Recap: Tootie and Blair arrive at Over Our Heads, gabbing about how Tootie was just awarded the role of juggler (?) in a production at the new theater that Blair's dad just donated to Langley College. Tootie is thrilled to have the opportunity to practice her craft so close to home, and Beverly Ann tells Blair she recently met her dad for the first time and briefly chatted with him and can't gush hard enough about his personableness and charm. Later, Blair receives a bouquet of flowers from her dad, along with a note that he won't be able to make the play's opening night to deliver the dedication speech for the new theater. Blair wearily groans, "I should have known.." and tells a perplexed looking Beverly Ann that her dickwad of an absentee father is always bailing out on her at the last minute. The next day, the Facts gals draw Blair's attention to the front page of The Peekskill Press, on which the headline 'David Warner Indicted' is splashed. Blair's all, "Wuh??" and then catatonically zones out until Beverly Ann smacks her back into consciousness. Blair insists that the article is totes ridic 'cause her sainted father would never dabble in something as sordid as insider trading, and can only assume that someone's out to get him...and makes this pronouncement as though Papa Warner doesn't have a history of being a tax cheat, as was documented in Season 4's Daddy's Girl episode. Blair vows to do all she can to prevent her father's good name from getting dragged through the dirt, and declares that she'll proudly step in for him and deliver the dedication speech during the opening night of Langley new College theater. Jo returns home and tells Tootie about all the gossip circulating on campus regarding Papa Warner's legal troubles - just as Natalie enters the room and rails about how the local newspaper wants to commission her to get the inside scoop on Blair and her dad. A few seconds later, Blair returns home and tells the gals she went to visit her stressed out father and bought him a tie to cheer him up. Later, Blair is packing a bag and explaining to the Facts gals that after delivering the dedication speech at the theater's ribbon cutting ceremony this evening, she's relocating to New York to support her father during his trial. A solemn looking Jo steps towards her and breaks the news that someone from the college just called to cancel the dedication ceremony 'cause on account of the embarrassment of their donor being a white collar criminal...and as Blair rails about what ungrateful cowards they are, Jo informs her that her father just pleaded guilty in exchange for a suspended sentence. Blair reacts to the news by staring back at her in disbelief and muttering, "That's impossible" instead of being relieved at the slap on the wrist he got as a "consequence" of this rich man crime. As Tootie heads out to star in the new theater's opening night of Woman Juggling, Beverly Ann wrings her hands about not knowing what to do about Blair's Papa's Indictment Situation. She natters that she wants to support Tootie as she practices her craft, but also wants to be on hand in case Blair needs an Edna-style heart-to-heart. Tootie's all 'whatever' and says she's totes OK with all of them staying home to support Blair - but when Blair finally emerges from her room and goes downstairs, she asks them what they're all still doing here and urges them to go to the show. A few seconds later, Beverly Ann answers the phone and tells Blair it's her dad calling, but Blair makes an ew face and says she has zero desire to speak to him and/or have anything more to do with the deadbeat. After everyone leaves for the play, Jo hangs back for a tête-à-tête...and Blair correctly guesses that she's about to chide her for acting like a pampered brat - but says, in her defence, that her dad has never let her down quite this badly before. Jo says she gets that, her dad being an ex-convict and all, but urges her to not turn her back on Papa Warner 'cause she's pretty sure he'd never turn his back on her. Blair stares contemplatively into space as she chews on that bit of life advice. The next day, Tootie is anxiously awaiting reviews of her play performance...and when Natalie arrives with the paper, Tootie can't bring herself to look and asks Beverly Ann to read the review aloud. Beverly indulges her and begins reading aloud that, according to the reviewer, the play was the most abominable play in the history of plays with a notably shittastic script and sucky direction...and that the only bright spot was Tootie Ramsey, whose juggling sequences were so comedically horrendous that it was impossible not to laugh at the unwittingly hilarious spectacle. LOL. Papa Warner drops by the store, is greeted by Beverly Ann, and is told that Blair went for a walk. He correctly guesses that she's not speaking to him, but insists on waiting for her to return...and Beverly Ann offers to make him a cup of coffee and pleasantly chat with him in the meantime. Over coffee, Papa Warner tells Beverly Ann he has no idea what to do about Blair, and she says there's not much he can do, other than wait for Blair to make the next move. Papa Warner grimaces at that prospect and says it's very frustrating for him to not be able to snap his fingers and tell people to react and behave exactly as he would like them to. Blair returns home, says hey to her dad, and tells him that she's been thinking a lot about the public shame of his indictment. She acknowledges that while he wasn't a perfect dad, he never deserted her whenever she got into trouble...and feels like it'd be shitty of her to abandon him in his time of need. Papa Warner says he's glad to hear that, then explains that his father - aka her grandfather - got so bored of being retired that he leaped back into "the excitement of the game" and took advantage of some inside information in order to reap the forbidden financial rewards. He tells Blair that since he couldn't allow the idiot to be carted off to prison at the age of eighty-seven, he stepped up and took the blame to protect him from prosecution. A stunned Blair's all, "Wha-a-a?", then beams admiringly at him as she reads aloud the dedication speech she had planned to deliver before it ended getting cancelled...and it includes a lot of wankery about how he likes to share his good fortune with others and looooves to help young people fulfill their dreams. She caps it off by telling him she's very proud of him and loves him, much like how he loves his felonious father, and Papa Warner reciprocates her I love you and gives her a grateful hug for her unconditional support. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: After returning from the grocery store, Tootie encourages Beverly Ann to start dating and "live a little", and Beverly Ann jokes that she has lived, finds life to be overrated, and has zero interest in starting up any kind of romantic liaison. Blair has enlisted Jo's help in finding her a job, which is apparently a requirement in order to pass a business course she's taking at Langley. As the two scour the scant wanted ads, Blair complains that all of the good menial jobs have been taken. When Beverly Ann gets a phone call from someone named Oliver Thompson, Tootie comes flying back into the room and asks her to put the call on hold so she can explain that Oliver is her sociology professor, and figured that since he's a nice guy 'why not set him up with my new housemother?' Beverly Ann reminds her about her having zero interest in dating and resumes the call with the intention of blowing Oliver off, but then chickens out and agrees to meet up with him at 8pm. Natalie rushes downstairs and tells the Facts gals that if Snake happens to call, they should tell him she's working a shift at Señor Sombrero's - but that he shouldn't phone her there 'cause the manager doesn't allow personal calls. Jo resumes checking the wanted ads and tells Blair that, by scripted coincidence, there's an opening for a student trainee at Señor Sombrero's. Natalie's all, "Whoa" and says she'd prefer to not screw up her current job by hiring a dilettante like Blair 'cause she's only interested in hiring someone who's familiar with the general concept of working for a living. Blair happily chirps, "Well, that leaves me out!" ... but when Andy points out that the job would translate to an easy A in her business class, Blair chews on that for a few seconds before gushing to Natalie about how much fun they'd have, working together to feed a hungry nation. Natalie reluctantly agrees to interview her for the job, with the understanding that she's not to expect any preferential treatment. Natalie is busily working at Señor Sombrero's, and is - for some unexplained reason - giving customers small flags of Utah along with their meals. Natalie tells her manager (Jerry Simmons) that she knows someone who's interested in applying for the student trainee program, and Jerry says, "If they're breathing, hire them." Blair enters the restaurant decked out in a red business suit and remarks on what "a quaint dump" the place is. Natalie insists on doing everything by the book and asks Blair to verbally answer every question on the job application, including 'Have you been sexually active lately?', which - har har, show - Natalie admits isn't really on the job application, and that she's only asking 'cause she's curious...even though she's the one who ends up being the first Facts gal who's willing to go on record as getting her cherry popped during the very special Natalie Deflowering episode in Season 9. Jo is showing Andy and Tootie all of the snacks she prepared for a long night of studying when Beverly Ann descends the stairs, decked out in a swanky red ensemble for her date with Oliver. She says she's soooo nervous about jumping back into the dating pool...and when Oliver arrives, she babbles nonsensically as the two are introduced. Oliver takes Jo's suggestion to go to a movie and then get a bite to eat at Señor Sombrero's, and Beverly Ann says she likes the sound of that, blurts out, "I'm easy!", then looks horrified by the gaffe. Back at Señor Sombrero's, Natalie orders her new employee onto the floor...and Blair emerges from the employees' room wearing a sombrero and a brightly colored poncho muttering, "I hate my life." When she tries to remove the sombrero, Natalie threatens to give her job evaluation performance a rating of poor, then starts training her on how to assemble a taco. Blair gets visibly grossed out by the unappetizing looking ingredients, then a few minutes later gets to wait on her very first next customer. She perkily offers to make the man a taco, but he says he's sick of tacos and wants a burrito. She reacts by staring cluelessly into space before claiming they're fresh out of burritos...along with every other menu item, except the one thing Natalie just showed her how to make. The customer finds that believable enough and decides 'ah, what the hell? I guess I'll order a taco after all.' Jerry emerges from his office to check out his newest employee, then watches disapprovingly as Blair overloads the taco and serves it to her first customer. Jerry chides her for being far too generous with the ingredients, and she's like, "So what? It all looks disgusting", prompting the customer she just waited on to spit out his food out and make a break for the exit. LOL. When Jerry irritably points out that she just lost a customer, she sassily retorts that someone really should talk to the manager - who she somehow doesn't think is Jerry, despite the fact that he's wearing a white shirt, apron, and has a general air of authority about him as he mills around behind the counter - about the piss-poor quality of the taco ingredients. When Jerry haughtily suggests that maybe the manager thinks they're fine, she breezily says that only an idiot would agree with that assessment...then is shocked - shocked! - when Jerry introduces himself as the restaurant manager. She sheepishly retreats to the employees' room as Jerry complains to Natalie about her new hire's attitude problem, and warns that if she screws up one more time, he's firing them both. Tootie tells Jo that Beverly Ann and Oliver are probably heading over to Señor Sombrero's right about now, and if they hurry they can spy on the lovebirds...and, more importantly, get a fun eyeful of Blair doing menial labor while wearing a giant sombrero. Jo perks up at that last thing and takes a study break so that she can witness the humiliation of her non-hetero bestie. Blair waits on a little old lady, who wants to substitute rice for beans...which Natalie later warns Blair is not allowed without charging extra. A few seconds later, the restaurant quickly fills up with the after-movie crowd, including Beverly Ann and Oliver. The two seat themselves at a table, and make small-talk and look as though they're enjoying a very pleasant evening - until Beverly Ann unwittingly eats some ultra-spicy salsa and waves her hands around while shrieking, "Haaaaat haaaat!", to which Oliver responds by doing the '80s sitcom tropey thing by pretending to be totally oblivious to her suffering and assuming that all of her haaaaat haaaat!-ing is somehow a normal part of the conversation they're having. When he finally gets a clue that his date's mouth is on fire, he hastily gets her a glass of water. Blair is screwing up all of her orders, getting run off of her feet, and has to break it to the little old lady that she'll be charged 25 cents extra for the rice substitution. As the little old lady self-piteously mutters about how this means she won't be able to afford bus fare as a result, Blair's all 'whatever' and dreamily stares over at Beverly Ann and Oliver - until Natalie yells at her to quit standing around and "serve the damn food!" Tootie and Jo arrive at Señor Sombrero's and enjoy the spectacle of Blair in the silly poncho/sombrero get-up. They then wave at Beverly Ann and Oliver, who are exchanging woeful stories about their failed marriages. The little old lady, meanwhile, has now become full on disgruntled, and complains to Blair that her food has gotten cold while waiting for the glass of water she ordered. Blair then gets so frazzled and irritated when the little old lady orders an entirely new meal with several substitutions that Natalie is summoned to mediate. Blair snappishly calls out the little old lady for being a troublemaker...and when the little old lady takes her complaint all the way to Jerry, he promptly fires Blair, and then Natalie. The next day, Natalie is glumly looking at the wanted ads and snarking at Blair for messing with the job and pay check she was relying on to earn a meagre living. She then leaves the room as Tootie and Jo come downstairs...and once she's out of earshot, Blair reveals that she used her family name and connections to convince Jerry to give Natalie her job back. She apparently fibbed about how her father is the chairman of Warner Industries and is looking for someone to head up his fictional ITD (International Taco Division). Beverly Ann announces to the Facts gals that she's off to meet Oliver for lunch, and Tootie cackles with delight about her great success as a matchmaker. Jerry drops by to talk to Natalie about offering her her job back, and she's all, "Hurray!" and rushes upstairs to get changed for the morning shift. Jerry then tells Blair he found out that there's no such thing as an ITD, but that he's rehiring Natalie regardless 'cause she's a good worker...and good workers are hard to find, as has ben evidenced by Blair's complete ineptitude as a waitress. Blair announces to Tootie and Jo that she got another crappy job at Far East Auto Imports, then saucily explains that she sweet talked the sales manager into giving her "an easy A" ... an arrangement I'm guessing was more than likely completely misinterpreted by a soon-to-be confused and disappointed sales manager. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: George Clooney (!) drops by Over Our Heads to say hey and to tell Natalie and Blair that he hasn't appeared on any episodes lately 'cause he's been on a construction crew that's putting up a new apartment building. Jo enters the room carrying a picnic basket and announces that she's off for another tutoring session/picnic with her illegal immigrant friend Enrico Quinterez, who, incidentally, is on the same construction crew as George Clooney. Natalie wonders aloud if there's more dating than tutoring going on between them - but Jo denies it and insists that they're just friends, and George Clooney confirms that and says he loooooves it when the three of them hang out together. A few seconds later, Enrico arrives at Over Our Heads to pick Jo up, and bitches about how his motorcycle never seems to run properly - except whenever it's in the presence of Jo. Mmm hmm.. Later, Blair takes what's clearly a disturbing phone message...and when everyone's all, "Wha-a-a-at is going onnnnn?!", Blair blabs that Jo's doctor just called to tell her that her blood test was fine, and that she can go ahead and get married. Seems like a brazen breach of doctor-patient confidentiality, but OK. Blair assumes that Jo and Enrico are planning to elope, while Tootie and Natalie wonder if Jo could be pregnant...despite Facts of Life not yet airing its very special episode centering around the first Facts gal (Natalie) to officially get her cherry popped. Beverly Ann chimes in and suggests that maybe Jo is deeply in love with Enrico. When Jo returns home, the other Facts gals stare at her expectantly...and when she asks them why they're all acting so weird, Natalie smilingly asks her if she and Enrico happened to make any future plans while they were picnicking. Jo pretends to look bemused by the question - until Blair finally comes right out and tells her her doctor called to tell her her blood test is fine and that she can go ahead and get married. Jo's like, "OK, thanks" and scampers upstairs. LOL. The Facts gals follow Jo upstairs and demand to know whassup, so Jo tells them it's none of their business...but then explains that Enrico can only continue to remain in the U.S. legally if he marries an American citizen. For some inane reason, Jo is under the impression that the marital union only needs to last a few days in order to give Enrico the chance to apply for citizenship...and within a couple of weeks they'll get a divorce and forever be done with the faux marriage. She also reveals that George Clooney knows about the situation and has misinformed her about how a lot of people get briefly fake married in order to help out their illegal alien friends. George Clooney drops by with Enrico in tow and reports that an INS agent was recently at the construction site, asking questions about Enrico's immigration status. A worried Enrico asks Jo if they could move up the wedding date, and Jo says they can do it first thing tomorrow morning at City Hall. Blair points out that not only is a City Hall wedding blech, it'll look to the authorities like "a sham, hurry up wedding" ... and Jo's like, "That's exactly what this is", but then concedes that if the wedding takes place in their residence, it'll appear more legitimate. She then decrees that there are to be no wedding guests, no lace wedding gown, and nothing stupid in her hair...and in the next scene we see that she's dressed head-to-toe in a lace wedding gown with a white flower/ribbon thing in her hair. LOL. When Jo complains that she's drowning in mounds of vintage lace, Beverly Ann explains that her grandmother's/mother's lace wedding gown is the best bridal get-up she could come up with within such tight time constraints. A few seconds later, the Justice of the Peace arrives to perform the ceremony...and Natalie delegates George Clooney best man and Andy the bride-giver-awayer. Enrico gushes about how lovely Jo looks in the hideous lace dress...and as everyone takes their places and Beverly Ann starts playing The Wedding March on the piano, the doorbell rings. INS Agent Arnold Jensen breezes in and says that word on the street is that a wedding's about to go down...and that he's inviting himself to hang around and intimidate the bride and groom. He tells Natalie he hopes Jo realizes that she needs to stay married to Enrico for two years before he's eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship...and that during those two years, he's going to make their lives as miserable as possible with constant check-ins and embarrassing inquisitions. As the Justice of the Peace commences the ceremony, Natalie rushes into the store part of the building and phones the living room phone. When Blair answers, Natalie tells her about the two year waiting period to which Jo is unwittingly committing herself...and Blair's like, "Uh huh" and tells Jo the call is for her. Jo takes the call, pretends it's her father on the other end, and does her best to not register a reaction when Natalie tells her about the two year marriage commitment. Jo then hangs up the phone and announces that the wedding is being postponed for an hour 'cause her father just got a flat tire. As the Facts gals flee upstairs, Agent Jensen correctly assumes that there isn't going to be a wedding after all, not least 'cause he suspects that Natalie tipped Jo off about the two year commitment to stay married to Enrico before he can apply for U.S. citizenship. A visibly dismayed Enrico's like, "Two years?" - LOL...subtle, Enrico - as the Justice of the Peace heads back to City Hall and George Clooney refuses to allow Agent Jensen to physically detain Enrico. Beverly Ann implores Agent Jensen to consider the plight of the pilgrims, who had a dream for a better life, then natters about how America is essentially a country of immigrants. When she begs him to pleeeeease give Jo and Enrico more time to decide their next move, Agent Jensen throws up his hands, says he doesn't have the heart for this job, and announces he's giving them all an hour to sort themselves out. Beverly Ann rushes upstairs and lets Jo know that she has an hour to decide if she wants to proceed with becoming Mrs. Enrico Quinterez or simply give up on the idea of entering into a sham marriage. Jo admits that she doesn't love the idea of being in a faux marriage for the next two years, and Beverly Ann wanks her about how she did everything possible to help Enrico...even though all she really did was believe George Clooney's nonsense about how she only needed to stay married to him for a few days so that he could secure citizenship. Jo returns to the living room and sheepishly tells Enrico they need to talk, and he tells her she really doesn't need to say anything 'cause he too has been enlightened about the two year waiting period. He tells her he's letting her off the hook, apologizes for putting her through this kind of turmoil, and thanks her for being a true friend to him. He tells her he's enjoyed their tutoring picnics, puts on some Latin music so that he and his non-bride can enjoy a quick non-wedding day dance, then chastely kisses her cheek before bidding a farewell 'hasta la vista, Jo'. Jo suddenly decides this isn't the way she wants Enrico's American dream to end and urges him to hang around long enough for her and the other Facts gals to come up with a half-baked plan in order to keep him in the country, then rushes upstairs. Later, Jo rushes back downstairs to tell him she's formulated a plan - but by this time Enrico has vanished after leaving her a note which says he's turning himself in so that she doesn't have to break the law, and that one day he'll find a way to return to America...but in the meantime has left her a gift by the fence. As Agent Jensen's car squeals off, Jo goes outside and is visibly saddened and moved to see that Enrico has left behind his motorcycle and helmet. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Andy is doing his best to teach Computers 101 to a clueless Beverly Ann, who's fretting about her ability to ever learn how to operate the magic e-box. Blair enters the store with a big box of files and announces that she's decided to throw out her paper files that document her rating system of the Langley College menfolk in favor of going digital, 'cause it'll be easier for her to look up potential dates and also share the data with other equally-as-superficial women. Jo is appalled at the notion of a ratings system for men, while Beverly Ann says it sounds like a far too complicated way to get dates. Blair argues that her ratings system is fairly simple and includes metrics such as..
Blair announces that she's going to try out her newly computerized men rating system in order to line up a date for tonight's mixer...and an unimpressed Jo says she prefers to mingle and just hang out with whoever happens to appeal to her. Natalie and Tootie are putting the finishing touches on the decorations in the living room for the mixer when two dorks, Ron and Don, arrive to help set up...and explain that they're wearing beanies (with propellers atop their heads) as part of a hazing ritual for the fraternity they're pledging. Jo answers the door for the next visitor, a hunky drink of water named Doug Larson, who also dropped by to help set up. An instantly smitten Jo introduces herself and is intrigued to learn that he too grew up in the Bronx, and that she knows his uncle who owns a convenience store in the old 'hood. As the mixer gets into full swing, Tootie gives a guy named Bob an appreciative once over...but when she sashays over and introduces herself, he assumes she's doing so so she can get his autograph ['cause apparently he's the local weatherman for Langley College's TV station]. He pulls out his notepad to scrawl his autograph, then cheerfully demonstrates her his trademark thumbs-up, prompting Tootie to rush back over to Natalie to grumble about what a pompous arse the guy is. Blair arrives at the mixer fashionably late, brags again to Jo about the infallibility of her computerized man rating system, and offers to prove it by setting her up with a two, while she (Blair) couples with a ten...for the purpose of comparing notes and getting Jo to admit that the rating system works. Jo agrees to hang out with a two for half an hour and decrees that if she proves the man rating system useless, she gets to dump the files from the Over Our Heads computer...where they probably shouldn't have been copied to in the first place. Doug Larson arrives at the mixer and gushes to Jo about how great she looks - just as Blair drags her away and ushers her over to her two (Bob the weatherman), who pulls out his little notepad and poises his pen to give her an autograph. Blair's like, "Good luck with that", then makes a beeline over to her ten for the night: Doug Larson. I find it interesting that Doug would rate so high on her man meter, given that he hails from the Bronx and clearly grew up in a poor-ish working class family. The next day, Andy gives Beverly Ann another computer tutoring session, and she happily reports that she's really getting the hang of computing. She then taps away on her own while telling Jo she's pretty sure she can handle doing the inventory herself, then gasps, "Oooooh nooooo!" and says she just unwittingly deleted Blair's man rating system from the hard drive. Jo assures her that the data is likely retrievable, then seats herself in front of the computer and cackles, "Yeah that's the ticket" as she gets to work wreaking havoc with Blair's man rating system. Blair tells Jo that she and Doug (the ten) had a fabulous time when they went dancing together last night, and wants Jo to sheepishly admit that she had a shitty time with Bob (the two). Blair then starts tapping away at the computer, suddenly cries, "That's impossible!", and bewilderedly tells Jo that, according to the newest computer reading, Doug is actually a two, while Bob is a ten. Egads! As Jo plays dumb about the suspicious score reversal, a deflated Blair declares that since she has zero interest in dating a two, she has no choice but to give Doug the heave-ho asap so she can take up with Bob and his autograph notepad. Jo overhears Blair leaving a message on Doug's answering machine cancelling their Saturday night date...then chides her for dumping a guy 'cause of an imaginary low rating. Blair insists that she and Doug are no longer compatible...and a few seconds later, Doug calls to ask whassup about their date being cancelled. Blair tells him she'll call him back as soon as she decides on the least insulting faux explanation for why she dropped him like a hot potato...then asks Jo for advice on how she should handle this contrived unpleasantness. Jo suggests fixing him up with someone he'd enjoy going out with, and Blair's like, "Good idea!" and tries to pawn Doug off on Natalie and then Tootie...but when neither are terribly interested, Blair asks Jo if she wouldn't mind trading Doug for Bob. Jo agrees and amusedly adds, "You owe me." Jo returns home with Doug after spending a wonderful evening at a concert. She comes right out and asks him why in blazes he would ask Blair out, so he explains that he assumed she (Jo) was dating Bob, and also figured that despite Blair's ridiculous level of shallowness, if a straight-shooter such as herself counts Blair as a friend, she couldn't be that bad. Blair returns home from her date with Bob...and when he puckers up in anticipation of a goodnight kiss, she tells him she doesn't make it a habit of going to first base after a first date. After he heads home, kiss-less, Jo pulls Blair aside to 'fess up about tampering with her computerized man rating system, which had originally accurately rated Bob a two and Doug a ten. Blair says she doesn't buy that - 'cause, yeah, it's really believable that a dork like Bob could possibly score a ten rating - and accuses Jo of wanting to dumping her two in order to reclaim Bob. Jo's like, "OK, have it your way" while Beverly Ann chuckles about how Operation Wreak Havoc With Blair's Man Rating System actually ended up working out for the best. Jo tells Doug that everything with Blair is A-OK, and that it looks as though she's somehow convinced herself that she and Bob are meant to be. Doug's all 'kewl!' and suggests they hop aboard his motorcycle and speed off to the Bronx for an impromptu visit to their old stomping grounds...and Jo beams and decides that some people (aka herself and Doug) are just made for each other. Even though, after he departs this episode, he's never seen on Facts of Life again. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: The Facts gals (minus Jo) are decorating the residence with balloons, streamers, and a sign reading Welcome back Nancy, Sue Ann & Cindy. Andy rushes in, gushes about how horny-excited he is to meet Cindy Webster (aka a real live cover girl!), then rushes off to splash on some aftershave [and mercifully not be seen for the rest of the episode]. Beverly Ann gabbles about how happy she is that they're reuniting with the old gang...then reminisces about her high school reunion, during which she disdainfully noted that the popular guys all got bald and fat and she pretended to be a nuclear physicist. Cindy, Nancy, and Sue Ann arrive, and everyone starts shrieking happy greetings at each other. When Blair compliments Sue Ann's chic brown suit, Sue Ann self-importantly explains it was a little something she picked up at Bergdorf 'cause she needs to look "a certain way" while hobnobbing at the elite levels of the corporate world. The gals then fuss and gush over Cindy's unexpected rise to fame as America's top fashion model, as well as Nancy's upcoming marriage to long-time boyfriend Roger. Natalie announces that she wants to introduce someone who's become very important in their lives...and as Jo blushes with an 'aw shucks, Nat' expression, Natalie ushers over Beverly Ann, who politely wishes Nancy the best of luck for her upcoming marriage. Jo coughs to catch Tootie's attention, so Tootie hastily introduces her to the former Facts gals, who promptly ignore Jo in favor of updates on..
Jo, who looks visibly miffed at being left out, announces to no one in particular that she's off to the library to study...and after she dejectedly shuffles off, Nancy remarks that Jo doesn't seem at all like the wildcat they've been led to believe she is. Natalie jokes about how they've managed to domesticate her, which segue ways into a flashback of when Blair met [and become instantly smitten with] a hot-headed Jo for the very first time. As the gals reminisce and look at old photos, Nancy asks Natalie how her writing career is going, and Natalie says she has a lot of unpublished stuff. Sue Ann condescendingly says it must be soooo frustrating to try to break into publishing, but Natalie just shrugs and says she has plenty of time...and, in the meantime, is working a lot of temp jobs to gain valuable life experience. After chewing on that for a few seconds, she bursts into fake tears and weeps about having to be a working stiff for the next twenty years. [Try the next forty years, Nat.] Cindy asks Tootie if she's landed any big acting gigs, and Tootie neglects to tell her about the Broadway audition she so stupidly squandered during the previous episode and says she thinks it's important to have a strong academic background before diving into acting...then circles back to actually answering the question by replying, "In other words: no." LOL. Jo returns home while everyone is cackling over an old photo of Roger and a shout-out to Season 1's Flash Flood episode. Jo attempts to laugh along...but when she gets confused by the reference to Tootie's pet rabbits, Sue Ann dismissively says, "Forget it, you had to be there." Cindy asks Jo where she was while they were all bonding during the wretched Season 1 episodes, and Jo replies, "Surviving in the Bronx." Sue Ann dickishly chuckles about how she once flew over the Bronx, and Jo shoots her a seriously? look and wryly says, "Next time be sure and drop in." Beverly Ann brings over a pitcher of lemonade and natters about how nostalgic she suddenly feels about her high school chums...and when the Facts and former Facts gals give her a 'the hell you sitting with us for?' look, she gets a clue and beats a hasty retreat. Sue Ann tells Cindy she wishes she had known she was modelling, then explains that she was recently tasked with finding an all-American face for a campaign and traveled as far as Sweden - first class! - to scour the Swedish countryside for the perfect model. Jo remarks on how amazing [and literally unbelievable] it is that a company would give someone fresh out of college that much responsibility, and Sue Ann haughtily retorts that no one gave her anything and that she had to claw her way to the top. Tootie says she's not at all surprised by Sue Ann's success, given that she always had the best grades...and Jo mutters under her breath, "And the sharpest claws." Blair gives the former Facts gals a tour of Over Our Heads and shows them the useless crap they sell...and while that's happening, Sue Ann boasts that she's about to be appointed her company's newest Vice President. Jo does her best to keep a straight face as she marvels how extraordinarily rare it is to be elevated to the VP level at the tender age of twenty-two, so Sue Ann faux explains that she single-handedly developed a shade called afternoon fawn, which became "color of the year" for the company's new clothing line. When Jo says she can't picture what afternoon fawn looks like [my guess would be light brown], Sue Ann compares it to a variety of other fake sounding colors, then tells a befuddled Jo, "You had to be there." Jo's all, "What? Again?" - but before the interaction can degenerate into a full-blown snipefest, Blair warns both Jo and Sue Ann that they don't want to mess with the other, a comment which superfluously segue ways into a flashback of when an emotional Sue Ann flailed her fists about and accidentally punched Blair in the face during the Running episode. Tootie says she tried to get Molly to attend their impromptu reunion, but her mom claimed she was too busy and didn't offer any specifics about what Molly is doing now [aside from establishing herself as a teen movie icon through her various John Hughes collaborations]. The gals laugh again about old times...and when Jo contorts her face into an expression of puzzlement, Sue Ann condescendingly says, "You had to be there." Jo responds by rolling her eyes and irritably announcing that she has to be someplace, then scuttles upstairs. Blair follows Jo to the bedroom to apologize for making her feel as though she's the odd man out, and explains that she, Tootie, and Natalie are just so darn excited to see their old friends and get caught up on each other's lives. Jo's like, "Whatever, get caught up" and says she's off to the library to hit the books...and as she leaves Blair stares after her concernedly. Later, the Facts and former Facts gals are in their PJs, scarfing down pizza and listening to music. Blair asks Nancy what she plans to wear on her wedding night, a question that unnecessarily devolves into a flashback of when Blair mistakenly got a package filled with kinky lingerie from her dad's company. As everyone chuckles at the nonsensical Season 1 subplot, the gals wonder aloud who's going to be next to walk down the aisle. Sue Ann calls marriage "a trap" and that she's seeking a man who can deal with a successful career woman...and an aghast Tootie asks where her sense of romance is, then reminds her that Nancy is about to get married and discover the sexy mystery of what it feels like to get boned for the first time. Nancy's all, "Um, about it being the first time" then admits that she and Roger have been hitting the sack for kind of awhile now...and that since he's apparently been raw-dogging it, she's now three months pregnant. Oops. After the commercial break, Nancy assures the gals that she and Roger are happy about his bun being in her oven - but that a baby on the way means that her aspiring career as a psychiatrist is out of the question. Natalie tells Sue Ann she's jealous of how swiftly she's managed to figure out her career path and wonders if working one dead-end temp job after another is really the best way to become a writer. Blair, meanwhile, admits to being envious of Cindy's modelling career - but Cindy quickly says that her life isn't perfect...and that she'd looooove to devour the pizza they've all been inhaling but has to refrain from eating anything resembling junk food if she wants to continue getting hired to model in jeans commercials. Tootie suddenly giggles and invokes the flashback memory of when Sue Ann dunked Blair's head in rice pudding after putting her on a silly starvation diet. As everyone is chortling, Sue Ann needlessly says she wants to come clean about her annual salary and says she's pulling down 50K, not 60K...and everyone's all, "Um, OK..?" Jo returns home from the library, hears all of the cackling coming from upstairs, and decides she'd much prefer to sleep on the couch. Beverly Ann enters the room and tells Jo there's a fun sounding pyjama party going on, but Jo says she's going to pass on that 'cause she has to get up early. Beverly Ann clucks sympathetically about how hard it can be to not be able to share the same memories with her friends' friends and have to smile stupidly and pretend it doesn't bother her. She then says she misses being near all of her friends in Appleton and often thinks wistfully about her ex...and Jo assures her that she's now part of their dysfunctional family and that she's actually starting to grow on them. Hours later, Sue Ann tiptoes downstairs to make a covert call to her coworker, imploring her to cover for her by fetching the company bigwigs their usual breakfast donuts and ensuring that the coffee urn is full. When she hangs up, she's all, "Ack!" when she notices that Jo is awake and shooting her the stink eye. When Jo calls her out for lying about her fabulous corporate career, Sue Ann admits to being a lowly gopher, then explains that in high school she was always considered the smartest girl who was most likely to rapidly climb the corporate ladder...and really really wants her friends to be proud of her. Jo asks if she thinks that lying to her friends is OK, and Sue Ann says she fully intends to actually be a Vice President by the time the next reunion rolls around...then glumly assumes that Jo is going to humiliate her by ratting her out. The next day, the former Facts gals are about to leave when Jo returns home. Tootie lays it on thick to Sue Ann about what an inspiration she is, a sentiment with which Natalie agrees and adds that she's seriously thinking about going to college. Sue Ann sheepishly says she owes them the truth and is about to 'fess up about her gopher status when Jo interjects and breezily says it's no big deal that her company didn't fly her to Sweden first class. When Sue Ann shoots her a grateful smile, a perplexed Blair wants to know what else the two of them have been talking about, and Jo replies, "You had to be there." The Facts gals gush about what a great reunion that was, and Natalie decrees that the four of them (plus Beverly Ann) must forever be part of each other's lives. Which - OMFG - they will, for at least another season and a half...when the producers finally get the good sense to pull the plug for good. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Tootie is rehearsing a song for her upcoming Broadway audition while Beverly Ann accompanies her on the piano. Tootie abruptly stops singing to chide herself for not being good enough for Broadway, then admits that she's very nervous about auditioning for one of Peter Garland's shows. Beverly Ann points out that Peter, who's apparently one of Tootie's college professors, must have seen something special in her [or was simply wanking her for his amusement] when he suggested that she audition for his show, and encourages her to believe in herself and to treat this rehearsal as if she's at the audition (and enlists Andy to be the pretend director). When Tootie starts singing again, Andy abruptly cuts her off by barking, "Next!" ... and when Tootie shoots him the stink-eye, he sheepishly explains that he was merely trying to simulate the experience of a cutthroat Broadway audition. Beverly Ann gabbles about how excited she is to go to Manhattan for the first time (while she accompanies Tootie on the piano during her audition). Blair tells Jo she hopes to spend the bulk of their day giving Beverly Ann a tour of all of the swanky Fifth Avenue boutiques, while a grumbly Jo suggests they show her the real New York: Greenwich Village, Chinatown, and the Bronx...which kinda seems like a lot to squeeze into one day. Natalie announces that she won't be able to make the trip to New York 'cause she's been tasked with writing an article for The Literary Monthly about a woman in flux. She wonders aloud where in blazes she's going to find a woman in flux...and somehow doesn't think to consider her own general state of flux and maybe writing about that. Tootie says that all her life she's dreamed of being cast in a Broadway musical, then nervously wrings her hands about whether or not she should drop out of college if she gets cast, and how she's going to handle all of the hateful critics. She then wails that everything is happening so fast that it's putting her into a contrived state of shock, and Natalie perks up at the impromptu meltdown and decides that Tootie's self-inflicted angst definitely translates to her being a woman in flux and announces that she's accompanying her to New York in order to fully document her audition. Beverly Ann, meanwhile, announces that she's going to be transporting everyone to Manhattan in her Winnebago [that I'll assume survived nearly careening off of a cliff in the season premiere], and Blair complains about how less-than-thrilled she is to be seen riding inside that ugly thing...while somehow refraining from pointing out how boneheaded it is to be driving a large motor home into the densest part of New York City instead of exercising the infinitely more sensible option of taking the train. Tootie arrives at the audition along with Natalie, who's narrating the experience in real time into her little tape recorder. Tootie checks in and learns that she's #316 in the queue...and when she's asked to provide a headshot, she whines that she doesn't have one 'cause she only found out about this audition yesterday [and says this as though her lack of preparation is somehow the casting director's problem]. She proceeds to rifle through her purse and finds a photo booth photo of her and Natalie, and scratches out Natalie's face before handing the photo over as her makeshift headshot. A few seconds later, Beverly Ann arrives and tells Tootie and Natalie that Blair and Jo are scouring the city for a parking space that's big enough to accommodate her Winnebago - good luck with that - and Natalie continues to narrate into her tape recorder the state of Tootie's 'in flux'-ness, while Tootie mulls over changing her stage name from Tootie to Coco Chanel to Ginger Curry. This, along with acquiring a proper headshot, really seems like something she should probably have sorted out well in advance of auditioning - but then I'm a recapper, not an expert in Broadway show casting calls. Stacey Q (!), who ranks #314 in the audition queue, wanders over clutching a giant ghetto-blaster (how adorably '80s!) to ask Tootie if she can borrower her pencil, 'cause apparently she was so nervous that she ate hers. She then tells Tootie and Natalie that she's considering changing her stage name to Cinnamon...and Natalie amuses herself by introducing Tootie as Ginger and herself as Ground Clove. LOL. Later, a haughty looking woman named Elayne seats herself beside Tootie and bitchily makes it clear that she has zero interest in exchanging friendly chit-chat of any kind. Beverly Ann pops back in to check on the status of Tootie's queue - and when she learns that Tootie still has hours to wait before her audition, she announces that she's off to go see the Statue of Liberty. A police officer boards the Winnebago and tells Jo and Blair that this unfathomably large vehicle is blocking the alley and that he's going to have to issue them a ticket. When Beverly Ann appears a few seconds later, he asks for her driver's license and registration...to which she responds by imploring him to not give her a ticket 'cause it'll make her all stressed and flustered when she has to play the piano for Tootie's Broadway audition. The officer looks as if he's actually sympathetic to her plight - but when Blair needlessly chides, "And all to meet some stupid quota", he's like 'fuck it' and proceeds to issue the parking ticket. Tootie is humming the song she plans to sing for her audition - Two of Hearts - as she wanders over to the water fountain. While she's doing that, Stacey Q ambles past her and into the ladies room, where a dismayed Tootie hears her singing the very same song with her super amazing voice. A despondent Tootie tells Natalie that she just overheard Stacey Q practicing her song, and that she sounded phenomenal. She declares that, as a result, she's ready to give up her dream of being on Broadway and slink back to Peekskill with her tail between her legs and finish college...and Elayne, who's overheard the conversation, derisively snarls that she definitely should do that if she can't take the pressure of being in showbiz. When Tootie whines about how difficult it's going to be to audition with the same song after someone who's as talented as Stacey Q, Elayne eggs her on to do everything possible to psych the blonde twit out. Tootie argues that that would be a supremely dickish thing to do - but Natalie points out that auditioning for Broadway is akin to the jungle, where only the strongest survive, and urges Tootie to ruthlessly ensure that Stacey Q doesn't get in the way of her dream to perform on Broadway. A newly energized Tootie's all, "Lemme at her!" and rushes off to screw with Stacey Q's head while Natalie cackles to herself about being able to use the ruthless ambition angle for her 'woman in flux' article. Jo re-parks the Winnebago in the same alley where Beverly Ann was just ticketed and tells Blair that, according to her street-smart logic, since they've already been ticketed, the alley can be considered a safe zone for the rest of the day. A few seconds later, the same police officer from earlier returns, looks incredulous at Jo's chutzpah in blocking the alley a second time with the monstrous camper and issues another parking ticket. Tootie fibs to Stacey Q about how much Peter Garland haaaaates the song Two of Hearts [which seems far too random to be true, but OK] and when Stacey Q's number in the queue is called, she dejectedly says she has no choice but to cancel her audition 'cause Two of Hearts is the only song she prepared. She thanks Tootie for her kindness in giving her the inside scoop on what Peter Garland hates and remarks on how worried she's been that showbiz seems to be a place where no one cares about their fellow man. Tootie instantly looks shamed and sheepishly admits that she just made up the story about Peter Garland hating Two of Hearts ['cause...well duh] and laments how the pressure of auditioning on Broadway has turned her into a cunty backstabber. As #314 (Stacey Q's number in the queue) is called and then skipped over when she fails to announce herself, Tootie implores her to not give up her dream of performing on Broadway, gives her her #316 number in the queue, and selflessly tells her to go break a leg. Natalie narrates into her little tape recorder that she's saying goodbye to Ginger Curry, aka a woman who's no longer in flux. [And saying hello to the moron who squandered a Broadway audition for no good reason.] Stacey Q takes the stage and performs Two of Hearts, aka the only hit anyone remembers her singing in the '80s, while Tootie watches her through a window and smiles wistfully at her missed opportunity...and a few seconds later, Beverly Ann wanders over to give the dolt a comforting pat on the shoulder. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Beverly Ann is stripping the bedsheets in the Facts gals' bedroom and is getting so into the task that she's dancing around the bedroom, clutching a bedsheet as if it's her dance partner, when a grumbly Jo enters and shoots her a WTF? glare. Beverly Ann explains that she likes to put a little fun into everything she does, and Jo's like, "Yeah, whatever" and crashes atop her bed and says she stayed up all night studying for her poli-sci exam and wants to get some sleep before the rest of the gals get home. Beverly Ann ignores that plainly stated need and starts nattering about how crazy it is that everyone's on such a different schedule, and Jo concurs and says that the constant chaos is the main reason she's been thinking about getting her own place. Beverly Ann says it's totes understandable, given that for the past several years she's been living in the same communal bedroom for the last six years with the same three friends from boarding school, then shrieks, "I'm outa here!" and runs for the door...before she hastily returns to strip the very bed Jo's trying to nap in. As a vexed Jo stares into space with a look of incredulity on her face instead of telling the nitwit to get lost and that she's a grown ass woman who's fully capable of laundering her own bedding, Beverly Ann delays Jo's much needed nap even further by showing her a postcard she just received from Edna, who's apparently teaching sewing classes to Africans and has requested that her giant vintage sewing machine be shipped to her from across the ocean. When Beverly Ann says she can't seem to find the thing anywhere, Jo suggests she try looking in the attic, as in right now, and Beverly Ann finally gets a clue and hastily exits the bedroom. A few seconds later, Natalie bursts into the bedroom, wearing earphones as she loudly sings. Jo throws a shoe at her and tells her to shut it - just as Tootie returns with her dry cleaning...followed by Blair and her ironing board. Jo snarlingly tells her roommates that she's trying to get some sleep before she has to hit the books again...and if she doesn't get the rest she needs, she's going to fail tomorrow's exam and possibly lose her scholarship. The gals promise to keep it down while quietly going about their business - but when Blair's ironing board loudly crashes to the floor, Jo snaps, "That's it! I'm moving out!" and says she saw an ad at the university for a room for rent above a pizza parlor. A few seconds later, Beverly Ann reenters the room to ask the Facts gals (sans Jo) to help carry Edna's sewing machine out of the attic. As everyone files out, Tootie urges Jo to diffuse the rage she's currently feeling by writing an angry letter directed at whoever she's mad at, but without the intention of actually mailing it...and Jo responds by snapping at her to get the hell out so she can finally get some shut-eye. Over in the attic, Tootie, Natalie, and Blair mill around the dusty, decrepit room, which houses Edna's vintage sewing machine, Tootie's old roller skates, and one of Jo's old motorcycle helmets. Tootie and Natalie wonder aloud if Jo is really, truly, actually serious about moving out, and Blair places the blame squarely on the two of them for driving Jo to the point of wanting to get her own place. Beverly Ann's like, "Have fun arguing 'bout that", and leaves the three of them with the task of transporting the very large vintage sewing machine down the attic stairs and into the dining area. Beverly Ann then eavesdrops on Jo, who's making arrangements on the phone with someone to go look at the room for rent. After she hangs up, Beverly Ann tells her that before she heads off, she'd like them to sit together and discuss this life change that would put a wrench in the show's "winning" formula of the four Facts gals living together in perpetuity under the same roof as their superfluous housemother/shop partner. As that's happening, Tootie, Natalie, and Blair are pressing themselves against the wall that separates the attic from the bedroom, straining to eavesdrop on Jo's/Beverly Ann's conversation. As Jo complains about what a circus it is to share a bedroom with three other people, Beverly Ann points out how quiet the room is at this moment and wanks it for being "an oasis of friendship and trust." A few seconds later, Blair comes crashing through the adjoining wall and lands atop Jo's bed, prompting an incensed Jo to snarl, "Yep, I'm definitely outa here." As Natalie and Tootie peer through the hole of what must be some pretty flimsy drywall separating the attic from their bedroom [which I guess is sort of an attic in its own right], Jo announces that she's firmly made up her mind to move out. Tootie and Natalie point out that they know from the experience of the Season 7 finale how challenging it can be to move into a decrepit apartment - just as Beverly Ann suggests to Jo, instead of moving out and risking Edna's off-camera disapproval, she take up residence in the adjoining attic. When Jo points out that it's a cramped, dusty space, Beverly Ann chirps, "Think artist loft!" and suggests hiring a contractor to fix it up to her liking. When Jo says that contractors can be expensive, Natalie offers to chip in by putting in more hours at her various temping jobs and says she too likes the idea of sharing a bedroom with fewer people. Jo mulls that over, says she'll agree to contribute to the renovation costs, provided the contractor's fee isn't too high...and Blair somehow translates Jo's change of heart to a consensus that Tootie and Natalie will be the ones moving into the attic. The two are all, "Wha-a-a?" ... but then are easily talked into it when they're assured that they'll be allowed to fix up the space exactly the way they want. Beverly Ann is hemming Andy's pants with the vintage sewing machine while Andy waits pants-less on the sofa. After droning on and on about how she and Edna used to watch their grandmother sew their dresses with this very machine, she asks Andy to dash into the kitchen and turn down the stew that's on the stove...and he agrees before awkwardly covering his lower half with couch pillows - just as Jo returns home and gets a gander at the pre-pubescent lad's uncovered backside. [It remains unclear why Andy wouldn't have put on a pair of pants prior to bringing over the pair that's in need of a hem.] Jo tells Beverly Ann that she's looking into getting a bank loan to pay her quarter of the contractor's fee, and Beverly Ann's like, "Yeah whatever" and changes the subject to how sad she is about having to ship the antique sewing machine to Africa 'cause of all the pleasant memories of grandma that have suddenly come flooding back. She's really not much of an empathetic listener, that Beverly Ann. Natalie and Tootie accompany the contractor (Virgil) downstairs after checking out the attic. He says he can definitely improve the space, then needlessly compares a room in need of a reno with a naked woman - in that they all look the same until you dress them up. Blair's all, "OK, ew" [no wait - that was me] and warns that they can't actually afford to dress it up too much - but Natalie reminds her that, in just the previous scene, she and Tootie were given carte blanche to make whatever changes they want...which apparently include a skylight and brand new wall-to-wall carpeting. The contractor quotes a price of 16K...but when Blair says that that's way too ridiculously expensive, he lowers it to 4K for the most basic of upgrades. Everyone seems OK with this new reno plan and price point - except for Jo, who has no idea how in blazes she's going to come up with her share of $1,000. As Virgil gets started with the attic reno, Natalie and Tootie head over to see how construction is going, while Andy emerges from the attic to boast about his new gig as Virgil's construction assistant - just as Virgil orders him to go out and buy him a snack. Jo returns home and glumly tells Blair that she wasn't approved for her bank loan, so Blair offers to loan her the money at 22% interest if, in exchange, she can move her bed to the plum spot by the window. Jo declines to accept her money under any terms and insists on somehow finding a way to pay for her share of the renovation costs. Jo stares contemplatively at her motorcycle helmet, then calls someone named Hank to let him know she's open to selling him her motorcycle. He offers to pay her just under $1,000, and she's like, "Deal!" and promises to deliver the bike pronto. Blair asks Beverly Ann if she knows where Jo went, so Beverly Ann tells her she heard Jo say something to someone on the phone about selling her motorcycle. Blair says she can't possibly believe that Jo would ever sell her most cherished possession - but then a few seconds later, Hank calls back to inquire about whether the purchase price of Jo's motorcycle includes her helmet. Blair reacts by staring contemplatively into space, her face scrunched concernedly. A sad looking Jo returns home...and when Blair asks her where she's been, she replies, "None of your business." Jo then notices that Blair has moved her bed to the plum window space she (Blair) had wanted and asks whassup with that, and Blair says she changed her mind for no particular reason, then smiles sanctimoniously when Jo looks pleased with her new bed location. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Blair and Jo return home after registering at Langley for the fall semester. When Jo chides Blair for registering herself for 37 courses (!), she likens course registration to shopping and just plans to return the courses she doesn't like. [Sounds ridiculously time consuming, but OK.] Natalie bursts into the room looking for her hard hat for her latest menial job: working with the highway construction crew. She groans, "Beverly Annnnnn" when she finds her hard hat, aka a repurposed plant holder hanging from the ceiling near the front door. After that, Tootie and her boyfriend Rudy arrive, looking all canoodley as they chuckle to each other about the improv class they both just skipped 'cause they found it too silly. Beverly Ann mops the floor and passive-aggressively remarks that she couldn't help but notice how late Tootie and Rudy stayed out last night, and Tootie cheerfully reminds her that she must have been young once. Rudy tells Tootie he should get going...and the two gaze at each other with expressions of dreamy lovingness, prompting Jo to scrunch her face and complain about the nauseating PDA. As soon as Jo and Blair exit the room, Beverly Ann acknowledges to Tootie that what she's about to say is clearly none of her business, then comes right out and asks, "Aren't you seeing an awful lot of this fellow?" ... to which Tootie smilingly concurs that, yep, that is none of her business. Beverly Ann seats herself at the table across from Tootie and proceeds to tell her about Thor, a guy she was so sweet on that she knitted a cap for him...and apparently stalked him so relentlessly that one day he turned to her and asked, "Who are you and where did you learn to knit?" Tootie tells her that while she appreciates her concern (sorta), she doesn't feel as though she's seeing too much of Rudy - just as Rudy returns with the newspaper so that they can reconnect at the hip and look over all of the available movie showtimes for tonight. As Beverly Ann ambles out of the room, Rudy drapes himself over Tootie's shoulders and asks her which movie she wants to see...and she responds by asking him if he thinks they're spending waaaay too much time together, given that they hum the same tunes, like all the same things, and finish each other's sentences. Rudy's like, "Er, no", then says he can't imagine loving her anymore than he does right now, and that very soon they're going to have to decide how far this relationship is going to go. Tootie's like, "Wuh? How far..?" then gets a clue that he's talking about the two of them knocking boots. She nervously starts nattering about important it is for couples to talk...and to talk a lot before making any sex-related decisions. She explains that she's new to this and asks what happens now, so he swaggers around all macho-like before sheepishly admitting that he really has no clue either 'cause his weasel has never been greased. He calls her his first love and suggest they seriously contemplate hitting the sheets in the very near future, and Tootie agrees...but then scrunches her face concernedly whilst staring contemplatively into space. Natalie tells Beverly Ann et. al. that she's totes into her co-worker (Snake), who's in charge of the hot tar, then asks if a man could possibly find her attractive while dressed in her shapeless construction uniform...and when the consensus is 'not really', Beverly Ann suggests distracting from the unsexiness of her unisex onesie by putting a feathered barrett in her hair. She then broaches the subject of how she's been trying to show an interest in all of their lives and can't help but conclude that Tootie is seeing far too much of Rudy. Natalie dismissively tells her that that relationship is no big deal, 'cause if Tootie were truly serious about Rudy, she would have dished to her about it by now. Natalie heads over to the living room, where Tootie is lounging after having indulged in a pre-sex shopping spree. Natalie tells her that Snake, with whom she's become smitten as of late, invited her to a road completion party...and when she asks Tootie if she thinks she should go, Tootie tells her that since they're not the Eastland kids of yore no 'mo, they really don't need to discuss every little detail of their lives and should be able to make their own dating/not dating decisions. Natalie chews on that snideitude for a few seconds, then says she's made her decision about Snake's invitation and asks Tootie if she's interested in knowing what it is...and when Tootie says she really couldn't give a rat's ass, Natalie saucily tells her she'll see her later - and by later she means when she gets home after the road completion party she's attending with Snake. As Natalie heads upstairs, Tootie pulls a sexy purple negligee from one of her shopping bags - just as Beverly Ann enters the room, gets a gander at the slinky thing, and asks her if she bought the lovely nightie for her mom. Tootie curtly says she bought it for herself, so Beverly Ann puts her concerned face on and says that despite having zero authority in the show's now defunct housemother/underage schoolgirls dynamic, she's strongly urging her to think twice about getting deflowered by Rudy. Tootie angrily says that her cherry popping is no one's business but her own, insists that she doesn't need to talk about her sex decisions with anyone, then storms upstairs...and while she's doing that, Jo comes downstairs and asks Beverly Ann whassup with all the arguing. Beverly Ann tells her she's still recovering from the shock of seeing the purple negligee in which Tootie is planning to lose her maidenhead - but that since she's a grown woman, there's little to nothing she can do about it. A few seconds later, Rudy arrives with a bouquet of flowers for Tootie, and Beverly Ann offers to put it in water...then brings it into the nearest bathroom and somehow flushes the thick thing down the toilet. When Tootie rushes downstairs, Rudy tells her he found them a great apartment to serve as the venue for their maiden doinkfest, and coos about how special tonight is going to be for her and his penis. That evening, Tootie and Rudy are sitting side-by-side in the back seat of his car, and he grumbles about how bummed he is that the apartment fell through when his friend's parents unexpectedly showed up to throw him a surprise birthday party. He then switches gears and says he's sooo happy they're together, and opens a bottle of champagne so that they can toast each other. Rudy admits he's kinda nervous about doing the deed...but when Tootie points out that they don't have to go through with it, especially considering that they're in the back seat of his car, he cheekily promises, "I'll be brave." He turns on the radio, which kills the mood when That Lady is a Tramp starts playing, then kills it further when he unwittingly tunes in to a Dr. Ruth-esque talk show warning about the recent rise in teenage pregnancies. Rudy assures Tootie that he went and bought a giant package of them 'cause apparently he was too immature to ask the drug store clerk for a more reasonable quantity, and Tootie chuckles about his embarrassment about buying "the thing-a-mabobs" ... despite her own inability to utter the word condom [on a show that liked to regularly pat itself on the back for its progressive courage in tackling every social issue that could possibly have arisen during the '80s]. When Blair asks Beverly Ann why she's worriedly wringing her hands, Beverly Ann says that while she totally gets that she hasn't been cast in a supervisory role like her predecessor was during The Edna Years, she strongly feels that they should all benefit from her wisdom. When a puzzled Blair asks what in blazes she's talking about, Beverly Ann explains she's very concerned that Tootie is becoming too serious about Rudy way too soon. Blair breezily assures her that nothing heavy is going on there - just as Natalie bursts in to exclaim that she now realizes Tootie had been hinting that she's preparing herself to imminently hit the sheets with Rudy. Egads! Beverly Ann's all, "Ack!" - then urges calm, given that Tootie is a grown woman and can therefore decide for herself whether or not she wants to engage in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend...and she, Blair, and Natalie fall silent and stare contemplatively into space. Back in Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Tootie and Rudy start smooching...and when Rudy mounts Tootie (out of view of the camera), he accidentally kicks open the door, which triggers an implausible audio voice warning about the car door being ajar. Tootie gets freaked out by the voice and says she can't shake the feeling that they're being watched...and that she also doesn't want tonight's skin-on-skin action to purely be about sex. She announces that she's suddenly changed her mind and wants to wait for her deflowering until such time as it feels right, and a glum Rudy somehow interprets this to mean that she's intent on remaining chaste until her wedding night. He pissily says he has no intention of waiting that long, then seats himself in the driver's seat and stares despondently into space. Tootie storms home...and when Jo asks if she and Rudy just had a fight, she snappishly retorts that she doesn't need to discuss every personal problem that arises. A few seconds later, she decides 'ah fuck it' and complains that Rudy hates her...as is evidenced by the sound of his tires squealing off as she's talking. She explains that earlier things got hot and heavy between them, but that she suddenly got nervous and changed her mind about wanting to bump uglies. Natalie points out that she has every right to change her mind, and then Beverly Ann pointlessly compares this situation to when her husband Frank ran off with another woman (never to be seen again). She says if he had loved her he would have come back, then sadly adds, "Sometimes they don't come back." When the doorbell rings, Tootie perks up and happily remarks, "He does love me", and everyone clears out of the living room to give her and Rudy their privacy. Rudy coldly informs her that he only came back to get some books he left behind, then retrieves them before mumbling, "I'll see ya around." A sad looking Tootie closes the door behind the moody douchebag...and tells Beverly Ann (who has popped back into the room to comfort her) she really does like Rudy, but isn't quite ready to ride his baloney pony. Beverly Ann warns that getting serious with a guy too early can cause the relationship to turn ugly, then congratulates her on becoming a woman tonight...and by becoming a woman, she is crediting Tootie for having the class to not experience her first bout of penile pleasure in the back seat of a car. Tootie shoots her a grateful smile and thanks her for stepping in as Edna 2.0. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Natalie is sitting in front of her typewriter in the dining room area of the Facts of Life set, trying to come up with something interesting to write...and after a few 'it was a dark and stormy night' type attempts, she eventually decides to write about the Facts gals' return from summer vacation for the eighth - OMFG, retire this show already - season. Earlier.. Jo remarks to the other Facts gals how unusual it is that Mrs. Garrett hasn't yet made an appearance to shriekily greet them now they've all returned to Peekskill from being on vacation all summer, then asks Tootie if she happens to know anything 'bout that. Tootie dishes about the big change in Mrs. Garrett's life: she has a serious boyfriend named Bruce Gaines, who she met in Africa when the two were in the Peace Corps twenty years ago. [Which doesn't quite square with the timeline of Edna's marriage to her first husband Robert...and/or when she would have been caring for her two sons, who were both young children at the time she was supposedly a single, carefree woman working overseas.] Mrs. Garrett arrives with Bruce in tow and introduces him to Blair and Jo...and when Jo asks him if he's dating Mrs. Garrett, he chuckles about what an old fashion notion dating is, then deadpans, "We're going steady." Tootie informs Mrs. Garrett that her sister, Beverly Ann, called to report that she and her Winnebago are lost somewhere in Connecticut, then chuckles about how she'd probably like them to clear out of the living room so that she and her new boyfriend can be alone. Mrs. Garrett's like, "You got that right, get the hell out", and the Facts gals scurry upstairs. Mrs. Garrett and Bruce reminisce about their time in Africa, and Bruce recalls the first time he saw her, which he describes as "love at first sight". He then leans in for a smooch and abruptly proposes marriage...and when Mrs. Garrett reminds him that he proposed to her while they were in Africa all those years ago, Bruce says he meant it then as much as he means it now. Mrs. Garrett looks overcome by the prospect of marriage, then blurts out, "Yes!" - but Bruce says that before she accepts - womp womp! - she should prolly be aware that marrying him entails shipping off to Africa in two weeks 'cause he just rejoined the Peace Corps. Mrs. Garrett mulls over the prospect of abruptly pulling up stakes and moving overseas, then firmly says she can't 'cause she's built a life here and can't possibly leave her shop or her gig housemothering four fully grown women. She sadly says, "No, sorry", and Bruce says he too is sorry and dejectedly shuffles towards the door. She asks him if she's going to see him again before he sails for Africa, and he wistfully smiles and says, "Sure. It was a wonderful dream" with which she can only concur. Mrs. Garrett naps on the couch as the audio of her screeching 'I built a life here!' swirls around her head while she has a dream about her own funeral. As Tootie presides over the grim event, Blair wanders in late, and Natalie writes the obituary about "a woman of no importance". Bruce gets up to make a few remarks, including how he almost married the deceased, who surely would have been known as Edna of Africa. Blair then makes a dramatic confession: she killed Mrs. Garrett after she bored her to death with her constant cookie baking. As they close the over-the-face part of the casket, a dead/alive Mrs. Garrett panics and shrieks, "Wait! My life had meaning!!" ... and the Facts gals come running into the living room to see what the ruckus is all about. Mrs. Garrett tells the gals that Bruce just proposed to her, but that marrying him means she'd have to rejoin the Peace Corps and live in Africa. Jo looks aghast at that prospect and reminds her that that's at least a two year committment, and Mrs. Garrett says she's well aware of that, but that she felt soooo good about herself when she was allegedly in the Peace Corps twenty years ago. Blair cautions, "Africa's a rough town" [though...more like a giant, non-monolithic continent], while Tootie urges her to go for it if she thinks it'd give her life new meaning. Mrs. Garrett chews on that for a few seconds before declaring that she's made up her mind to marry Bruce and move to Africa. After she scampers off to give Bruce the good news, Jo, Tootie, and Natalie grumble about how she didn't even ask them what they thought of this drastic life decision...so Blair points out that, at some point, one or more of the foursome is eventually going to want to pull the plug on this unnatural living arrangement and move on with life. Tootie agrees and says that they should be happy for the old lady - but Jo glumly remarks that it's hard to imagine life without Mrs. Garrett...then has flashbacks of the various times she's been a supportive tower of strength for the four of them. The camera pans back to the present, where Natalie is applauding herself for constructing flashbacks within a flashback. Back in time.. Mrs. Garrett scampers back into the room and says she can't possibly make this kind of life decision without first talking to them...then natters that if she were to leave Peekskill, they'd have to find someone else to..
Natalie continues to tap out her story on her typewriter, and begins telling the tale of Mrs. Garrett's big day. Back in time.. Blair is on the phone with Beverly Ann, who's inching closer to Peekskill, but is now lost in New Jersey. I wonder if it's ever occurred to the imbecile to chart her cross country journey with the aid of a road map. Mrs. Garrett tells the gals that Bruce's departure date to Africa has been moved up to tomorrow morning - ack! - which means she barely has time to pack and will have to have her wedding on the boat or in Africa once they arrive. The Facts gals nix those options and remind her that they've waited seven long years to be her bridesmaids, and Blair decrees that anything is possible and promptly takes charge of Operation Quickie Wedding. Blair is on the phone with the city clerk, offering monetary bribes in order to speed up the marriage license process, while Tootie and Jo help Mrs. Garrett pack her suitcase. She thanks them for all their help, tells them how important they are to her, and hopes they always felt love in between her tough love judgemental stink-eyes whenever they got on the wrong side of acceptable behavior. Wedding day! Tootie enters the living room bearing pretty tulip bouquets, while the only guests other than the Facts gals - two little old ladies - arrive. Mrs. Garrett, who's chosen to wear a powder blue dress for her big day, frets about what could be keeping her sister, so Jo heads out to see if she can spot the halfwit's Winnebago. A few seconds later, Beverly Ann makes a grand entrance with her arms dramatically outstretched, rushes into her sister's arms for a hello hug, then is introduced to her brother-in-law-to-be. After that, she pulls Mrs. Garrett aside and asks her if she's absolutely sure about having so quickie a wedding...and Mrs. Garrett says she had to make up her mind quickly, but is fairly certain she wants to board a boat and sail to Africa with Bruce, never to be seen on Facts of Life again. Beverly Ann wishes her well, then scampers back out to properly park her Winnebago. Mrs. Garrett is telling the Facts gals how overwhelmed she is by the speed at which her wedding is taking place when Jo bursts in to inform everyone that Beverly Ann just ran over the minister with her Winnebago. As Natalie reads through her typewritten story, she assures viewers that the paramedics were called...and since Beverly Ann only ran over the minister's feet, his injuries were not life-threatening. Back in time.. As Bruce helps the traumatized minister hobble into the living room, Beverly Ann profusely apologizes for the mishap while Mrs. Garrett calls an ambulance. She then wails at Bruce that she can't do this...this meaning all of the "winging it" that's been going on with respect to their wedding plans, and that she much prefers to take her time before making major life decisions. When the paramedics arrive and wheel off the injured minister, Mrs. Garrett declines to go along with Bruce to the hospital...and once he's out of earshot, she informs Beverly Ann and the Facts gals that she's decided to not move to Africa after all. Beverly Ann laments ruining an important milestone for her the way she's ruined all of her past milestones: her last wedding anniversary, senior prom, a kindergarten incident. Mrs. Garrett says she's forgotten about all that, but that she can't help noticing that the man she loves just walked out the door the moment she (Beverly Ann) walked in. Ouch. When she storms off to the store part of the set, Tootie and Jo rush after her and do their best to convince her to follow through with her plans to go to Africa with Bruce - but Mrs. Garrett says she's suddenly decided that she really doesn't want to leave Peekskill after all. A sheepish Beverly Ann tells Blair and Natalie that she did her best to make a good impression on her future brother-in-law, then glumly adds that she really screwed the pooch for the happy couple...and Blair and Natalie are like, "Yeah, no shit." Jo and Tootie tell Mrs. Garrett she's a fool to give up her dream of living in Africa with the man she loves, and she barks at them to leave her alone, then returns to the living room and is told that Beverly Ann and her Winnebago have left the premises. Alone in a trailer park, Beverly Ann mutters to herself about spending another lonely night in her Winnebago, then self-piteously adds, "At least out here I can't hurt anyone." A few seconds later, the Facts gals drop by after being tipped off about her whereabouts from a map (she left behind to serve as an unmissable clue) to apologize for not giving her a fair chance. They assure her they like her, and she thanks them and says that after all the Eastland stories Mrs. Garrett has told her over the years, she kinda thinks of them as her extended family. Soon after, Mrs. Garrett arrives at the Winnebago, wryly explains that someone left a map directing her to the trailer park hanging on the chandelier, and apologizes for her bitchitude earlier. She then says that if Bruce really truly loved her he'd show up in the next few seconds...and, sure enough, he drops in with the minister in tow to profess his love for Edna and offer to cancel his Africa plans if she agrees to marry him. She squeals delightedly, says she'd loooooove to marry him and follow through with their original plan to move to Africa, then offers to drive the Winnebago back home so she can pick up all of her wedding stuff. She seats herself behind the wheel and hits the gas pedal...and somehow collides with a guardrail that borders a dangerous cliff (?!). As everyone inside the trailer panics at the implausible turn this season premiere has suddenly taken, they hold on for dear life as each Facts gal escape certain death by slipping out the main door, one by one, onto a nearby ledge. When the ledge gives way, effectively trapping Mrs. Garrett and Bruce inside, Beverly Ann climbs atop the roof of the Winnebago and helps lift the two to safety through the top hatch. Phew! As Natalie continues to tap out her story, she reveals that everyone made it out safely, and that Mrs. Garrett decided since time was of the essence she wanted to have her wedding in the trailer park. Back in time.. Blair fluffs Mrs. Garrett's hair while pinning a sprinkling of tiny flowers into the red rat's nest, Tootie produces a blueberry bridal bouquet she managed to cobble together, and Natalie brings over some candles she just happened to stumble across. A touched Mrs. Garrett tells them she's learned sooooo much from each of them, will miss them all terribly, then channels her inner Dorothy Gale as she addresses each of them to gush about their best qualities. Beverly Ann assures her sister she'll do her very best to serve as the Facts gals' superfluous new mother figure and wishes her well in her African life with Bruce...and when the wedding ceremony finally gets underway, a random camper sitting off to the side starts playing The Wedding March on his harmonica. Beverly Ann interrupts the proceedings to order Bruce to take good care of her sister...and that if he doesn't, she'll hunt him to the ends of the earth. With that threat uttered, the happy couple exchanges vows, rings, and are pronounced husband and wife. After a quick group photo, Bruce reminds his bride that they have a boat to catch, and Mrs. Garrett...er Gaines rushes off after tossing her blueberry bouquet...and the bundle is caught by Jo, who looks less than thrilled to suddenly have her hands stained by the messy concoction. Natalie finishes tapping out her story, concludes with "and that's how Beverly Ann came to live with us" just as Beverly Ann comes downstairs to bossily remind Natalie that it's 3am, which - she can only assume - is well past her bedtime. Oh dear, Beverly Ann. You're not starting out very well. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Natalie and Tootie are all packed up and about to move out of the Over Our Heads residence. They invite Blair and Jo to come see their new place once they're settled in, and then the foursome clumps together in a group goodbye hug before Natalie and Tootie head off to their new life of grit and squalor. Natalie and Tootie settle into their decrepit, cockroach-infested new studio apartment and quickly learn that the place has only one usable power outlet, on which Natalie calls dibs so she can plug in her typewriter. Their upstairs neighbor, a beefy bathrobe-clad cartoon of a woman named Estelle, lets herself in (!) to welcome the two to "Club Mess", explains that she can hear their every conversation through "the paper thin walls", and warns them about what a sleazeball the super is. After offering them tips on the nearest grocery store and laundromat, she heads back to her hovel, and Natalie dryly tells Tootie, "She'll be my first novel." Natalie is busily typing while Tootie does mouth warm-up exercises by annoyingly enunciating, "Mwua mwua.." over and over, and then practices a scene from Chekhov's The Seagull...and by practices, I mean she keeps repeating, "I'm an actress - no, I'm a seagull" to the point that Natalie accidentally incorporates the line into her manuscript. A few seconds later, Mrs. Garrett phones to ask how the new apartment is going, and Tootie tells her it has loads of charm - before handing the phone over to Natalie so she can spritz roach spray all over the walls. LOL. Blair and Jo drop by for a visit and get a tour of the dump from Natalie: her office space (the kitchen table), the sleeping area (the floor beside the kitchen table), and Tootie's rehearsal space (the floor beside the kitchen table). Blair tries not to look too icked out and says she really admires what they're doing: needlessly moving out of a comfy residence and into a fetid hovel inhabited by society's most unsightly dregs. Estelle, who's eavesdropping from her apartment, bellows, "Same to you, lady!" Natalie and Tootie invite Blair and Jo to come over for dinner on Friday night...and after the two head out, an embarrassed Natalie grumbles about how much their ex-roomies hated the apartment. Tootie breezily retorts that they're just jealous 'cause they were the ones who had the guts to move out, then decides to take a break and make some tea. She unwittingly (or wittingly) unplugs Natalie's typewriter in order to plug in her tea kettle, and Natalie has a meltdown and rails about how she was on a roll just now. She angrily announces that she's moving out, then gathers up her typewriter and storms out. After the commercial break, Natalie bursts back into the apartment and says she shouldn't be the one to have to move out, given that her name is on the lease [and that Tootie presumptuously invited herself to move in without any kind of invitation]. Tootie huffily starts packing up her stuff and declares that she'll find her own apartment - but then Natalie has an abrupt change of heart and snarls that she has no intention of letting her stick her with all the work that entails hosting Blair and Jo for dinner on Friday night and barks, "You're not going anywhere!" ... and Tootie snaps back, "Fine!" In the communal bedroom, Jo is working out on a rowing machine, while Blair is listening to classical music...and complaining about the lack of chit-chat in the house ever since Natalie and Tootie moved out. Jo sighs wearily, gets up and sits beside Blair on the bed [mmm hmm..], and says, "OK, let's chat." The two share awkward small talk before acknowledging that, despite the non-hetero vibe that just won't quit crackling between them, they really don't have anything to say to each other at the moment...then decide they should probably get ready to go to Natalie's/Tootie's place for dinner. Estelle drops by to borrow a can of Raid - but Natalie tells her that Tootie used it all up. Lenny the Super stops in to inform them that their water is being shut off without warning, and grunts, "Pipes" before ambling away...and a panicked Tootie rushes over to the sink to fill the pasta pot with water to cook tonight's dinner, but is too late. Natalie and Tootie end up at the Over Our Heads residence for dinner and stare wistfully at the luxurious comfort they left behind. Tootie privately complains to Blair that everything she does annoys Natalie, in particular her "Mwua mwua.." mouth exercises...and Blair's like, "Well, no shit, that is annoying", then complains that Jo trails after her and turns off every light she turns on. In the next scene, Blair invites Tootie and Natalie to spend the night so the four of them can be under the same roof like old times, and they happily agree before Natalie bounds upstairs to take a shower...which she has refused to do in the new apartment 'cause of how disgusting the bathroom is. Natalie gets inspired in the middle of the night and is tapping away at her typewriter in the living room...and Tootie soon joins her and asks if she thinks it's a good idea for them to continue living in their dump of an apartment, particularly when it's clear that neither of them is being inspired artistically. Natalie agrees that she's done with roughing it, and that there's a certain level of comfort in knowing if and when her next shower is going to happen. Blair comes downstairs and basks in the joy of hearing people conversing, then complains that Jo won't talk to her anymore and assumes she's bored with her. Jo appears on the staircase and explains that she's not so much bored with her as she is lousy at one-on-one small talk. Natalie asks if they can continue to stay if the water in their apartment doesn't get turned on, and Tootie decides she's "done grit" and is ready to re-embrace a life of comfort. Natalie concurs and says that not living in squalor for the last several hours has inspired her to write, and she begins to read aloud the story she's been working on, which appears to delight and intrigue the other Facts gals. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
The Facts of Life homepageSeason 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7 Season 8 Season 9 The Facts of Life Goes to Paris The Facts of Life Down Under Recapper: Isabel K. French
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