The Facts of Life - Season 7, Episode 24

"This intimate living arrangement is something I've been fantasizing about since Season 2."

"The Apartment"
Original airdate: 5/10/1986

Episode summary: Natalie and Tootie move into a cockroach-infested apartment, which they abandon soon after deciding that living in squalor isn't for them.   

---

Recap: Natalie and Tootie are all packed up and about to move out of the Over Our Heads residence. They invite Blair and Jo to come see their new place once they're settled in, and then the foursome clumps together in a group goodbye hug before Natalie and Tootie head off to their new life of grit and squalor.

Natalie and Tootie settle into their decrepit, cockroach-infested new studio apartment and quickly learn that the place has only one usable power outlet, on which Natalie calls dibs so she can plug in her typewriter. Their upstairs neighbor, a beefy bathrobe-clad cartoon of a woman named Estelle, lets herself in (!) to welcome the two to "Club Mess", explains that she can hear their every conversation through "the paper thin walls", and warns them about what a sleazeball the super is. After offering them tips on the nearest grocery store and laundromat, she heads back to her hovel, and Natalie dryly tells Tootie, "She'll be my first novel."

"If you need a new housemother, I'm available."

"We'll take our chances with Mrs. Garrett's sister."

Natalie is busily typing while Tootie does mouth warm-up exercises by annoyingly enunciating, "Mwua mwua.." over and over, and then practices a scene from Chekhov's The Seagull...and by practices, I mean she keeps repeating, "I'm an actress - no, I'm a seagull" to the point that Natalie accidentally incorporates the line into her manuscript. A few seconds later, Mrs. Garrett phones to ask how the new apartment is going, and Tootie tells her it has loads of charm - before handing the phone over to Natalie so she can spritz roach spray all over the walls. LOL. Blair and Jo drop by for a visit and get a tour of the dump from Natalie: her office space (the kitchen table), the sleeping area (the floor beside the kitchen table), and Tootie's rehearsal space (the floor beside the kitchen table). Blair tries not to look too icked out and says she really admires what they're doing: needlessly moving out of a comfy residence and into a fetid hovel inhabited by society's most unsightly dregs. Estelle, who's eavesdropping from her apartment, bellows, "Same to you, lady!"

Natalie and Tootie invite Blair and Jo to come over for dinner on Friday night...and after the two head out, an embarrassed Natalie grumbles about how much their ex-roomies hated the apartment. Tootie breezily retorts that they're just jealous 'cause they were the ones who had the guts to move out, then decides to take a break and make some tea. She unwittingly (or wittingly) unplugs Natalie's typewriter in order to plug in her tea kettle, and Natalie has a meltdown and rails about how she was on a roll just now. She angrily announces that she's moving out, then gathers up her typewriter and storms out.

"I'm moving to a new dump that has more than one outlet."

"Can I come along so I have somewhere to plug in my tea kettle?"

After the commercial break, Natalie bursts back into the apartment and says she shouldn't be the one to have to move out, given that her name is on the lease [and that Tootie presumptuously invited herself to move in without any kind of invitation]. Tootie huffily starts packing up her stuff and declares that she'll find her own apartment - but then Natalie has an abrupt change of heart and snarls that she has no intention of letting her stick her with all the work that entails hosting Blair and Jo for dinner on Friday night and barks, "You're not going anywhere!" ... and Tootie snaps back, "Fine!"

In the communal bedroom, Jo is working out on a rowing machine, while Blair is listening to classical music...and complaining about the lack of chit-chat in the house ever since Natalie and Tootie moved out. Jo sighs wearily, gets up and sits beside Blair on the bed [mmm hmm..], and says, "OK, let's chat." The two share awkward small talk before acknowledging that, despite the non-hetero vibe that just won't quit crackling between them, they really don't have anything to say to each other at the moment...then decide they should probably get ready to go to Natalie's/Tootie's place for dinner.

Estelle drops by to borrow a can of Raid - but Natalie tells her that Tootie used it all up. Lenny the Super stops in to inform them that their water is being shut off without warning, and grunts, "Pipes" before ambling away...and a panicked Tootie rushes over to the sink to fill the pasta pot with water to cook tonight's dinner, but is too late. 

Natalie and Tootie end up at the Over Our Heads residence for dinner and stare wistfully at the luxurious comfort they left behind. Tootie privately complains to Blair that everything she does annoys Natalie, in particular her "Mwua mwua.." mouth exercises...and Blair's like, "Well, no shit, that is annoying", then complains that Jo trails after her and turns off every light she turns on. In the next scene, Blair invites Tootie and Natalie to spend the night so the four of them can be under the same roof like old times, and they happily agree before Natalie bounds upstairs to take a shower...which she has refused to do in the new apartment 'cause of how disgusting the bathroom is.

Natalie gets inspired in the middle of the night and is tapping away at her typewriter in the living room...and Tootie soon joins her and asks if she thinks it's a good idea for them to continue living in their dump of an apartment, particularly when it's clear that neither of them is being inspired artistically. Natalie agrees that she's done with roughing it, and that there's a certain level of comfort in knowing if and when her next shower is going to happen.

"Whaddya say we move back home?"

"Turns out good hygiene is conducive to me being motivated to tap out my stories."

Blair comes downstairs and basks in the joy of hearing people conversing, then complains that Jo won't talk to her anymore and assumes she's bored with her. Jo appears on the staircase and explains that she's not so much bored with her as she is lousy at one-on-one small talk. Natalie asks if they can continue to stay if the water in their apartment doesn't get turned on, and Tootie decides she's "done grit" and is ready to re-embrace a life of comfort. Natalie concurs and says that not living in squalor for the last several hours has inspired her to write, and she begins to read aloud the story she's been working on, which appears to delight and intrigue the other Facts gals.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---