Recap: Molly's sitting on the couch with Mrs. Garrett, reading a magazine. She suddenly blurts out, "Sex! Sex! Sex! That's all the American public thinks about. It's disgusting" and then grumbles about how movie stars get themselves all sexed up in order to lure hapless people into paying good money to go see their films. Mrs. Garrett asks her who she's talking about. Robert Redford? John Travolta? Molly says she's talking about Dan Rather, then shows her the cover of the Time magazine she's reading, which features the journalist on the cover. She grins impishly and kisses the magazine...and the credits roll. Thanks, writers, for another nonsensical, pointless cold open that has absolutely nothing to do with the main plot of the episode.
Peekskill is getting battered by a violent thunderstorm, and inside the Eastland dorm the girls are watching the local news and learn that the governor has declared New York state a disaster area. Cindy complains that the baseball field has turned into a mud-pit and worries she'll turn to flab if she doesn't get some exercise soon. Blair wails, "Why doesn't it stop! Haven't we been through enough?!" and moans about how the horse riding trails are underwater and the April dance got cancelled. Egads! Tootie complains that if she doesn't get to skate on dry land soon, she'll have to learn how to walk, and Mrs. Garrett jokes that she may become the first person to roller skate on water. OMFG - it is so fucking dumb that the producers made this girl wear roller skates for an entire season just 'cause they thought she was too short. Wouldn't it have been easier to just hire a taller child actor to hammishly over-enunciate her lines?
Mr. Bradley enters the dorm, soaking wet in his bright yellow raincoat. He tells everyone he's been sandbagging all night, but doesn't know what he'll do if the creek rises another foot. He then says if it doesn't stop raining, like pronto, they could lose the stables. Blair suddenly looks alarmed and says her horse Chestnut is in the stables and could drown...and then Tootie reminds him that her rabbits, Romeo and Juliet, are also being housed there. The two girls rush/roll toward the door, but Mr. Bradley sternly tells them it's not safe and that they're not going anywhere. When they argue about the well-being of their pets, he snaps, "You're staying here! Is that clear?!" and the two girls meekly nod. He announces that he's going to check on the other dorms, then solemnly tells Mrs. Garrett, "It's very bad. The dam's about to go." Mrs. Garrett goes downstairs to see if there's any flooding in the basement, and as soon as she's out of earshot, Blair instructs Sue Ann to tell anyone who asks that she's upstairs studying...and then Tootie gets in on that action and tells her to tell people she's taking a very long shower. Sue Ann reminds them they just promised Mr. Bradley they wouldn't go near the stables, but Blair assures her they'll be back before they're missed. After they sneak out, Sue Ann turns toward the other girls and wails, "What are we gonna do now?" but no one else seems to really give a rat's ass. Natalie enters the room munching from a bowl of popcorn and just kind of shrugs about the possible danger that Blair and Tootie might find themselves in. Nancy scrambles down the stairs and tells everyone that Roger is coming by to drop off her raincoat, which she forgot in his car...and for some reason she's going to stand outside in the torrential downpour and wait for him to arrive. Mrs. Garrett, meanwhile, returns to the living room and is happy to report that there are no signs of flooding in the basement.
Molly enters the room clutching a hand radio and tells Mrs. Garrett she just heard from her radio contact that Stony Point has been evacuated - then reminds her that that's only five miles away. Mrs. Garrett asks the girls where Blair and Tootie are, and Sue Ann repeats verbatim exactly what Blair and Tootie instructed her to say. Nancy enters the dorm completely soaked after being unable to open her umbrella...and it remains unclear why she stood out there getting drenched for several long minutes before coming back inside. Mr. Bradley bursts in again to announce that the dam just broke, and water is pouring into Eastland Creek. Eeek! Sue Ann asks him if the stables are in danger, then rats out Blair and Tootie and tells him the two left awhile ago to check on their animals. Mr. Bradley shoots a wide-eyed look at Mrs. Garrett, then rushes out of the dorm.
Blair is petting and cooing at Chestnut while Tootie uselessly rolls around the stable. She looks out the window and says she doesn't like the look of that rising creek, but Blair continues to soothe and reassure Chestnut that everything's going to be all right. Tootie cheekily says she prefers to give her animals the straight truth, then stares inside her rabbit cage and barks, "Rabbits - you're dead!" Blair looks out the window and wails that the bridge they just came across on is washed out. She cries, "What are we going to doooo?!" Tootie's like, "Wuh? Eeek!" and the frightened girls cling to each other.
Mr. Bradley bursts into the stables, looks visibly relieved to see both girls alive and well, then says, "Thank God you're safe." They ask him how he made it here, and he says he crossed at the shallowest point in the creek - though it's not so shallow anymore 'cause it's waist high. Tootie hammishly howls, "Wow! You got damp underwear for us!" Blair apologizes for making him come down to the stables and sheepishly says he must be furious - but surprisingly he's not, and he tells them he just wants to figure out a way to bring them all to safety. Blair suddenly has a meltdown and screams, "We can't! We're trapped!" and wails that they're all going to drown. Tootie wryly tells Mr. Bradley to slap the hysterical Blair like they do in the movies, but he calmly assures her that Blair will be just fine. He instructs Tootie to start filling sandbags and stack them outside, then tosses a large blanket to Blair and tells her to cover her horse. Blair's eyes suddenly shine with admiration, and she remarks, "You think of everything." Mr. Bradley goes outside to load up on sand to fill the empty bags, and Blair continues to look smitten and gushes, "Isn't he terrific?" Tootie just gives her a WTF? look and Blair continues with her insane babbling and says she just realized that Mr. Bradley is more than a just headmaster, then declares, "He's a man." (LOL. No. He's not). Tootie mugs for the camera as she delivers what the writers clearly hope will soon catch on as an adorable catchphrase, "Rabbits, we are in troouu-ble."
Nancy's gabbling on the phone to Roger when suddenly the line goes dead. She reports the outage to Mrs. Garrett, but she doesn't seem worried and reminds the girls they still have Molly and her hand radio. Sue Ann and Natalie run downstairs to announce that the roof is leaking in a bunch of places, and Mrs. Garrett directs them to get pots from the kitchen and place them under the leaks...and Nancy volunteers to do that now that she no longer has Roger to keep her entertained on the phone. Molly looks out the window and anxiously says that the water in the creek keeps rising, and she doesn't see how it's possible for Blair and Tootie to make it back to the dorm. Mrs. Garrett says they'll just have to trust that Mr. Bradley knows what he's doing, and urges them all to keep their cool. Nancy enters the room in a blind panic, screaming that they're all out of pots. Mrs. Garrett orders her to chill the fuck out, then check the pantry. Meanwhile, Cindy emerges from the basement, soaking wet and carrying a pair of spiked shoes. She says they're filled with water, then gives viewers an unnecessary demonstration of just how full of water her water-logged shoes are and flips them over and dumps water all over the floor. Mrs. Garrett wigs out 'cause the fuse box is located in the basement and cries, "Cindy! You could have been electrocuted!" She then sternly warns the girls to stay out of the basement. And just when they thought things couldn't get worse, a few seconds later, the storm causes the lights in the dorm to go out.
Mr. Bradley is stripped down to his dirty undershirt (OMFG), looking like a homely woman's Stanley Kowalski as he industriously fills the empty sacks with sand. When he goes outside to reload his wheel barrel with more sand, Blair gushingly tells Tootie that she's really seeing a different side of Mr. Bradley, and Tootie sassily retorts, "The sweaty side?" Blair gets a faraway look in her eyes and says she never thought an older man could be so exciting and interesting. Tootie tells her it's completely ridic to fall for "old man Bradley", but Blair just gives her a dopey smile. Mr. Bradley re-enters the stable and tells the girls that the water is coming in too fast, so they'll all have to make a run for it. He orders them to climb atop Chestnut and he'll lead them across the shallowest part of the creek. He lifts Tootie and her rabbit cage onto the horse, then holds out his arms to assist Blair, and she takes his hands in hers and gazes lovingly into his eyes and says, "I trust you completely." He's all, "Wuh?" and she solemnly tells him she knows what he's doing for them and how dangerous it is. As he attempts to lift her up, she throws herself at him in an awkward hug. He looks suitably weirded out, then tries to avoid any more inappropriate physical contact by cupping his hands together to give her a boost onto the horse. He tells the girls that if the horse falls over while they're crossing the creek, they should try to avoid drowning and swim to shore. He asks Tootie if she wants to ditch her roller skates, but she tells him she'd rather die with the stupid things on her feet, so he's just like, "Whatever". As he leads the horse toward the door, Blair suddenly calls out, "Steven!" then says, "If we don't make it..." then mouths I love you. Mr. Bradley just gives her a look of bewilderment, then slowly leads Chestnut out of the stable.
Natalie's on the phone, pretending to flirt with Roger. Nancy overhears her and snatches the receiver out of her hands, and Natalie bursts out laughing and says she was just kidding around - the phone's still dead! Cindy grimly reports that the water is getting higher outside, and Mrs. Garrett says it's rising in the basement as well. Sue Ann wails that they still don't know the fate that might have befallen Blair and Tootie and wants to go out and look for them, but Mrs. Garrett sternly forbids her from leaving the dorm, and insists/hopes/prays that Mr. Bradley knows what he's doing. Nancy, who's standing by the front door, suddenly exclaims, "Tootie is back!" and sure enough, Tootie rolls into the dorm with her rabbits. Mrs. Garrett hugs her, and Tootie tells everyone that Blair is lagging behind 'cause of a sprained ankle...and a few seconds later, we see that Blair is helping an injured Mr. Bradley. Apparently, he hurt his ankle and knee crossing the creek. Blair looks up at him reverently and says, "Steven is the bravest man I have ever seen" and Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in revulsion. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door, and Nancy bellows, "It's Roger!" but when she answers it, it's Blair's horse Chestnut, sticking his beautiful brown head inside the dorm. [Cue predictable jokes about how "horsey" Roger is looking these days.]
Mr. Bradley says he feels like such a dumbass for getting hurt, but Blair says that since he took care of them in the stables, he should now let them take care of him. Mrs. Garrett assures him that they can deal with the flooding situation just fine, but he argues that there's no way she and a bunch of girls will be able to handle the rising waters. Mrs. Garrett argues that they can, and reminds him that Eastland teaches its girls self reliance and independence. Molly runs downstairs and announces to everyone that her radio friend is sending someone over from the National Guard to evacuate them, and Mrs. Garrett goes, "What about this place? We could all save it if we pitched in!" Mr. Bradley orders the girls to go upstairs and pack a bag, and when they brazenly ignore him, he yells, "I mean now!!" and they instantly scramble upstairs. Blair stays behind and asks him if he needs a knee massage and then starts fondling his leg, and the studio audience goes bananas at the disturbing visual. He tells her they need to have a serious talk, and she solemnly replies, "Yes. It is serious." She says at first she thought it was a crush...but soon realized it's much more than that. He explains that it's a normal thing for a student to think she's in love with her headmaster, especially when he's so handsome...then gets back to reality and points out that he's old enough to be her father and that she should be interested in more age appropriate young men. She argues that age doesn't mean anything when two people are as close as they are and then tries to caress his face, but he pushes her hand away and explains that what she's feeling right now isn't love; it's hero worship. He recounts that when she and Tootie were trapped in the stable, she was like a little girl, helpless and terrified of drowning - until he swooped in and saved them. Blair gets mad and hotly denies that. She also takes issue with being called "a little girl" and insists that she and Tootie would have somehow been able to save themselves from the rising flood waters. She glares at him and declares that whatever she saw in him is now over. And thank goodness for that.
Mrs. Garrett enters the room and asks what all the shouting is about, so Blair tells her that Mr. Bradley was just going on about how helpless women are and how they have to wait to be saved by men. Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a?" and Mr. Bradley denies saying anything like that. The girls all tumble down the stairs with their suitcases just as he puts his foot in his mouth and declares that women have to be aware of their limitations...and Mrs. Garrett and the girls loudly admonish him all at the same time for being a sexist pig.
A National Guardsman with a wretched sounding New Yawk accent enters the dorm, and all the girls oooh and awww at him appreciatively, and he tries his best not to look flattered at being salivated over by a group of teenage girls and goes, "Oooh..! At ease." He tells them to load themselves in his truck, and Mrs. Garrett snarks back, "Not on your life!" She asks him if all the schools in the area are being evacuated, and he confirms that the ones on lower ground are. She asks about Bates Academy (the nearby private boys' school), and he tells them they're toughing it out and sandbagging. Mrs. Garrett asks him if they're in any real danger, and he says no, not as long as there are some "real men" around who know how to shovel. This causes the girls to mutter unhappily, so he impatiently asks if anyone's getting into his truck or what. They tell him they're not; however, Mrs. Garrett asks him to take Mr. Bradley with him, since his ankle is probably broken. Mrs. Garrett assures Mr. Bradley that she and the girls can handle the flood, and the Guardsman advises him, "You listen to huh - she's toughuh than my suhgeant." Mr. Bradley finally agrees to leave the fate of the school in the house-mother's hands, so the Guardsman scoops him up in his arms, then tells the girls that after he drops him off at the nearest hospital, he'd like to come back and help them out. Blair assures him that they'll be fine on their own, but Sue Ann pokes her and says, "Definitely come back" then giggles flirtatiously.
After the two men leave, Mrs. Garrett launches Operation Save Eastland and barks out a "to do" list: get the shovels out of the shed, check the drain pipe on the front porch, and pump the water out of the basement. She asks Blair to get a plunger, and Blair stares back at her blankly and goes, "What's a plunger?" and Mrs. Garrett pretends to give her a kick in the rear, but I'm pretty sure she wanted to do it for real.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!