The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 7

"I'm pretty sure it was my visceral reaction to Blair's man rating system that caused me to accidentally hit the delete button."

"The Ratings Game"
Original airdate: 11/15/1986

Episode summary: Jo messes with Blair's computerized man rating system so she can hook up with a Bronx hunk named Doug.

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Recap: Andy is doing his best to teach Computers 101 to a clueless Beverly Ann, who's fretting about her ability to ever learn how to operate the magic e-box. Blair enters the store with a big box of files and announces that she's decided to throw out her paper files that document her rating system of the Langley College menfolk in favor of going digital, 'cause it'll be easier for her to look up potential dates and also share the data with other equally-as-superficial women. Jo is appalled at the notion of a ratings system for men, while Beverly Ann says it sounds like a far too complicated way to get dates. Blair argues that her ratings system is fairly simple and includes metrics such as..

• Height
• Weight
• Car make/model
• Financial status
• Family background

An aghast Tootie asks Blair how she'd feel if men rated her, and Blair grins and says she'd friggin' looooove it...and when Tootie points out how dehumanizing and disturbingly immature it is to rate people on the sole basis of appearance and wealth, Blair smugly retorts, "Not when you're a ten" - a retort that prompts Jo to mutter, "If you're a ten, I'd hate to see a one."

"How would you feel if men objectified you?"

"Totally validated to be receiving the kind of high ratings my good looks and family money deserve."

Blair announces that she's going to try out her newly computerized men rating system in order to line up a date for tonight's mixer...and an unimpressed Jo says she prefers to mingle and just hang out with whoever happens to appeal to her.

Natalie and Tootie are putting the finishing touches on the decorations in the living room for the mixer when two dorks, Ron and Don, arrive to help set up...and explain that they're wearing beanies (with propellers atop their heads) as part of a hazing ritual for the fraternity they're pledging. Jo answers the door for the next visitor, a hunky drink of water named Doug Larson, who also dropped by to help set up. An instantly smitten Jo introduces herself and is intrigued to learn that he too grew up in the Bronx, and that she knows his uncle who owns a convenience store in the old 'hood.

As the mixer gets into full swing, Tootie gives a guy named Bob an appreciative once over...but when she sashays over and introduces herself, he assumes she's doing so so she can get his autograph ['cause apparently he's the local weatherman for Langley College's TV station]. He pulls out his notepad to scrawl his autograph, then cheerfully demonstrates her his trademark thumbs-up, prompting Tootie to rush back over to Natalie to grumble about what a pompous arse the guy is.

Blair arrives at the mixer fashionably late, brags again to Jo about the infallibility of her computerized man rating system, and offers to prove it by setting her up with a two, while she (Blair) couples with a ten...for the purpose of comparing notes and getting Jo to admit that the rating system works. Jo agrees to hang out with a two for half an hour and decrees that if she proves the man rating system useless, she gets to dump the files from the Over Our Heads computer...where they probably shouldn't have been copied to in the first place.

Doug Larson arrives at the mixer and gushes to Jo about how great she looks - just as Blair drags her away and ushers her over to her two (Bob the weatherman), who pulls out his little notepad and poises his pen to give her an autograph. Blair's like, "Good luck with that", then makes a beeline over to her ten for the night: Doug Larson. I find it interesting that Doug would rate so high on her man meter, given that he hails from the Bronx and clearly grew up in a poor-ish working class family.

"Jo has expressed an interest in dating a clueless dork for the next thirty minutes."

"Nice to meet you, Jo. I'm going to take a giant leap and assume that you want my autograph."

The next day, Andy gives Beverly Ann another computer tutoring session, and she happily reports that she's really getting the hang of computing. She then taps away on her own while telling Jo she's pretty sure she can handle doing the inventory herself, then gasps, "Oooooh nooooo!" and says she just unwittingly deleted Blair's man rating system from the hard drive. Jo assures her that the data is likely retrievable, then seats herself in front of the computer and cackles, "Yeah that's the ticket" as she gets to work wreaking havoc with Blair's man rating system.

Blair tells Jo that she and Doug (the ten) had a fabulous time when they went dancing together last night, and wants Jo to sheepishly admit that she had a shitty time with Bob (the two). Blair then starts tapping away at the computer, suddenly cries, "That's impossible!", and bewilderedly tells Jo that, according to the newest computer reading, Doug is actually a two, while Bob is a ten. Egads! As Jo plays dumb about the suspicious score reversal, a deflated Blair declares that since she has zero interest in dating a two, she has no choice but to give Doug the heave-ho asap so she can take up with Bob and his autograph notepad.

"I can't be seen around town with a two!"

"While I have no problem downgrading to an arbitrarily rated two."

Jo overhears Blair leaving a message on Doug's answering machine cancelling their Saturday night date...then chides her for dumping a guy 'cause of an imaginary low rating. Blair insists that she and Doug are no longer compatible...and a few seconds later, Doug calls to ask whassup about their date being cancelled. Blair tells him she'll call him back as soon as she decides on the least insulting faux explanation for why she dropped him like a hot potato...then asks Jo for advice on how she should handle this contrived unpleasantness. Jo suggests fixing him up with someone he'd enjoy going out with, and Blair's like, "Good idea!" and tries to pawn Doug off on Natalie and then Tootie...but when neither are terribly interested, Blair asks Jo if she wouldn't mind trading Doug for Bob. Jo agrees and amusedly adds, "You owe me."

Jo returns home with Doug after spending a wonderful evening at a concert. She comes right out and asks him why in blazes he would ask Blair out, so he explains that he assumed she (Jo) was dating Bob, and also figured that despite Blair's ridiculous level of shallowness, if a straight-shooter such as herself counts Blair as a friend, she couldn't be that bad.

"I came to the conclusion that any gal indulging in an unrequited non-hetero crush on you can't possibly be all bad."

"Sounds like a reasonable conclusion."

Blair returns home from her date with Bob...and when he puckers up in anticipation of a goodnight kiss, she tells him she doesn't make it a habit of going to first base after a first date. After he heads home, kiss-less, Jo pulls Blair aside to 'fess up about tampering with her computerized man rating system, which had originally accurately rated Bob a two and Doug a ten. Blair says she doesn't buy that - 'cause, yeah, it's really believable that a dork like Bob could possibly score a ten rating - and accuses Jo of wanting to dumping her two in order to reclaim Bob. Jo's like, "OK, have it your way" while Beverly Ann chuckles about how Operation Wreak Havoc With Blair's Man Rating System actually ended up working out for the best.

Jo tells Doug that everything with Blair is A-OK, and that it looks as though she's somehow convinced herself that she and Bob are meant to be. Doug's all 'kewl!' and suggests they hop aboard his motorcycle and speed off to the Bronx for an impromptu visit to their old stomping grounds...and Jo beams and decides that some people (aka herself and Doug) are just made for each other. Even though, after he departs this episode, he's never seen on Facts of Life again.

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