The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 3

Tootie opts to be deflowered in purple

"Ready or Not"
Original airdate: 10/4/1986

Episode summary: Tootie considers getting her cherry popped by her boyfriend, much to the disapproval of Beverly Ann.

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Recap: Blair and Jo return home after registering at Langley for the fall semester. When Jo chides Blair for registering herself for 37 courses (!), she likens course registration to shopping and just plans to return the courses she doesn't like. [Sounds ridiculously time consuming, but OK.] Natalie bursts into the room looking for her hard hat for her latest menial job: working with the highway construction crew. She groans, "Beverly Annnnnn" when she finds her hard hat, aka a repurposed plant holder hanging from the ceiling near the front door. After that, Tootie and her boyfriend Rudy arrive, looking all canoodley as they chuckle to each other about the improv class they both just skipped 'cause they found it too silly.

Beverly Ann mops the floor and passive-aggressively remarks that she couldn't help but notice how late Tootie and Rudy stayed out last night, and Tootie cheerfully reminds her that she must have been young once. Rudy tells Tootie he should get going...and the two gaze at each other with expressions of dreamy lovingness, prompting Jo to scrunch her face and complain about the nauseating PDA. As soon as Jo and Blair exit the room, Beverly Ann acknowledges to Tootie that what she's about to say is clearly none of her business, then comes right out and asks, "Aren't you seeing an awful lot of this fellow?" ... to which Tootie smilingly concurs that, yep, that is none of her business. Beverly Ann seats herself at the table across from Tootie and proceeds to tell her about Thor, a guy she was so sweet on that she knitted a cap for him...and apparently stalked him so relentlessly that one day he turned to her and asked, "Who are you and where did you learn to knit?" Tootie tells her that while she appreciates her concern (sorta), she doesn't feel as though she's seeing too much of Rudy - just as Rudy returns with the newspaper so that they can reconnect at the hip and look over all of the available movie showtimes for tonight.

"I don't want you to go the way of Thor and I."

"Since he had no idea who you were, I'm not sure that's actually possible."

As Beverly Ann ambles out of the room, Rudy drapes himself over Tootie's shoulders and asks her which movie she wants to see...and she responds by asking him if he thinks they're spending waaaay too much time together, given that they hum the same tunes, like all the same things, and finish each other's sentences. Rudy's like, "Er, no", then says he can't imagine loving her anymore than he does right now, and that very soon they're going to have to decide how far this relationship is going to go. Tootie's like, "Wuh? How far..?" then gets a clue that he's talking about the two of them knocking boots. She nervously starts nattering about important it is for couples to talk...and to talk a lot before making any sex-related decisions. She explains that she's new to this and asks what happens now, so he swaggers around all macho-like before sheepishly admitting that he really has no clue either 'cause his weasel has never been greased. He calls her his first love and suggest they seriously contemplate hitting the sheets in the very near future, and Tootie agrees...but then scrunches her face concernedly whilst staring contemplatively into space.

Natalie tells Beverly Ann et. al. that she's totes into her co-worker (Snake), who's in charge of the hot tar, then asks if a man could possibly find her attractive while dressed in her shapeless construction uniform...and when the consensus is 'not really', Beverly Ann suggests distracting from the unsexiness of her unisex onesie by putting a feathered barrett in her hair. She then broaches the subject of how she's been trying to show an interest in all of their lives and can't help but conclude that Tootie is seeing far too much of Rudy. Natalie dismissively tells her that that relationship is no big deal, 'cause if Tootie were truly serious about Rudy, she would have dished to her about it by now.

Natalie heads over to the living room, where Tootie is lounging after having indulged in a pre-sex shopping spree. Natalie tells her that Snake, with whom she's become smitten as of late, invited her to a road completion party...and when she asks Tootie if she thinks she should go, Tootie tells her that since they're not the Eastland kids of yore no 'mo, they really don't need to discuss every little detail of their lives and should be able to make their own dating/not dating decisions. Natalie chews on that snideitude for a few seconds, then says she's made her decision about Snake's invitation and asks Tootie if she's interested in knowing what it is...and when Tootie says she really couldn't give a rat's ass, Natalie saucily tells her she'll see her later - and by later she means when she gets home after the road completion party she's attending with Snake.

"We no longer have to discuss the most intimate decision-making processes of our young lives."

"Did someone change the general premise of this show and not tell me?"

As Natalie heads upstairs, Tootie pulls a sexy purple negligee from one of her shopping bags - just as Beverly Ann enters the room, gets a gander at the slinky thing, and asks her if she bought the lovely nightie for her mom. Tootie curtly says she bought it for herself, so Beverly Ann puts her concerned face on and says that despite having zero authority in the show's now defunct housemother/underage schoolgirls dynamic, she's strongly urging her to think twice about getting deflowered by Rudy. Tootie angrily says that her cherry popping is no one's business but her own, insists that she doesn't need to talk about her sex decisions with anyone, then storms upstairs...and while she's doing that, Jo comes downstairs and asks Beverly Ann whassup with all the arguing. Beverly Ann tells her she's still recovering from the shock of seeing the purple negligee in which Tootie is planning to lose her maidenhead - but that since she's a grown woman, there's little to nothing she can do about it. A few seconds later, Rudy arrives with a bouquet of flowers for Tootie, and Beverly Ann offers to put it in water...then brings it into the nearest bathroom and somehow flushes the thick thing down the toilet. When Tootie rushes downstairs, Rudy tells her he found them a great apartment to serve as the venue for their maiden doinkfest, and coos about how special tonight is going to be for her and his penis. 

That evening, Tootie and Rudy are sitting side-by-side in the back seat of his car, and he grumbles about how bummed he is that the apartment fell through when his friend's parents unexpectedly showed up to throw him a surprise birthday party. He then switches gears and says he's sooo happy they're together, and opens a bottle of champagne so that they can toast each other. Rudy admits he's kinda nervous about doing the deed...but when Tootie points out that they don't have to go through with it, especially considering that they're in the back seat of his car, he cheekily promises, "I'll be brave." He turns on the radio, which kills the mood when That Lady is a Tramp starts playing, then kills it further when he unwittingly tunes in to a Dr. Ruth-esque talk show warning about the recent rise in teenage pregnancies. Rudy assures Tootie that he went and bought a giant package of them 'cause apparently he was too immature to ask the drug store clerk for a more reasonable quantity, and Tootie chuckles about his embarrassment about buying "the thing-a-mabobs" ... despite her own inability to utter the word condom [on a show that liked to regularly pat itself on the back for its progressive courage in tackling every social issue that could possibly have arisen during the '80s].

"I was too nervous to ask the drug store guy any questions, so I bought an entire box of the you know whats."

"I find it hilarious that you're so uptight about buying whatsehoozits."

When Blair asks Beverly Ann why she's worriedly wringing her hands, Beverly Ann says that while she totally gets that she hasn't been cast in a supervisory role like her predecessor was during The Edna Years, she strongly feels that they should all benefit from her wisdom. When a puzzled Blair asks what in blazes she's talking about, Beverly Ann explains she's very concerned that Tootie is becoming too serious about Rudy way too soon. Blair breezily assures her that nothing heavy is going on there - just as Natalie bursts in to exclaim that she now realizes Tootie had been hinting that she's preparing herself to imminently hit the sheets with Rudy. Egads! Beverly Ann's all, "Ack!" - then urges calm, given that Tootie is a grown woman and can therefore decide for herself whether or not she wants to engage in a sexual relationship with her boyfriend...and she, Blair, and Natalie fall silent and stare contemplatively into space.

Back in Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Tootie and Rudy start smooching...and when Rudy mounts Tootie (out of view of the camera), he accidentally kicks open the door, which triggers an implausible audio voice warning about the car door being ajar. Tootie gets freaked out by the voice and says she can't shake the feeling that they're being watched...and that she also doesn't want tonight's skin-on-skin action to purely be about sex. She announces that she's suddenly changed her mind and wants to wait for her deflowering until such time as it feels right, and a glum Rudy somehow interprets this to mean that she's intent on remaining chaste until her wedding night. He pissily says he has no intention of waiting that long, then seats himself in the driver's seat and stares despondently into space.

​Tootie storms home...and when Jo asks if she and Rudy just had a fight, she snappishly retorts that she doesn't need to discuss every personal problem that arises. A few seconds later, she decides 'ah fuck it' and complains that Rudy hates her...as is evidenced by the sound of his tires squealing off as she's talking. She explains that earlier things got hot and heavy between them, but that she suddenly got nervous and changed her mind about wanting to bump uglies. Natalie points out that she has every right to change her mind, and then Beverly Ann pointlessly compares this situation to when her husband Frank ran off with another woman (never to be seen again). She says if he had loved her he would have come back, then sadly adds, "Sometimes they don't come back." When the doorbell rings, Tootie perks up and happily remarks, "He does love me", and everyone clears out of the living room to give her and Rudy their privacy. Rudy coldly informs her that he only came back to get some books he left behind, then retrieves them before mumbling, "I'll see ya around." A sad looking Tootie closes the door behind the moody douchebag...and tells Beverly Ann (who has popped back into the room to comfort her) she really does like Rudy, but isn't quite ready to ride his baloney pony. Beverly Ann warns that getting serious with a guy too early can cause the relationship to turn ugly, then congratulates her on becoming a woman tonight...and by becoming a woman, she is crediting Tootie for having the class to not experience her first bout of penile pleasure in the back seat of a car. Tootie shoots her a grateful smile and thanks her for stepping in as Edna 2.0.

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