The Facts of Life - Season 4, Episode 8

"Watch how quickly I wrap this auditor around my pinkie."

"Daddy's Girl"
Original airdate: 12/1/1982

Episode summary: Blair becomes disillusioned with her father when she learns that he cheats on his taxes.

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Recap: Mrs. Garrett and the Facts girls are doing an inventory of all the food that's currently in the pantry. Mrs. Garrett says she "juggles" the budget so she can allocate money toward fruits and vegetables, 'cause apparently the board is weirdly stingy about feeding the Eastland girls fresh produce. Blair scrunches her face in puzzlement and asks her why she doesn't simply ask for more cash if she needs it - the way she asks her rich, overindulgent daddy - and Mrs. Garrett explains that she's filled out all the requisite forms, but the dickish headmaster refuses to budge. Jo changes the subject and announces that she and her felonious father are going to a ball game later, then lays it on thick about how much fun they have whenever they attend sporting events together. Blair's like, "That's nice, I have a meeting with an IRS auditor", 'cause apparently he has a few questions about her tax return...and she's unable to reach her father, who's in Nigeria on business. Mrs. Garrett asks her why an unemployed teenage girl would even need to fill out a tax return, so Blair explains that her father has given her a job as a pretend fashion consultant so he can get a tax break on her monthly allowance. Mrs. Garrett chuckles and says, "How much could your allowance possibly be?" and Blair says she gets about $10,000...and when Jo exclaims, "A year?!" Blair grins and clarifies, "A month!" (Holy crap!) She then says she doesn't actually keep all that dough, since most of it is put in the bank or invested. Mrs. Garrett warns her that IRS auditors take their work very seriously, but Blair says she's confident she can handle the situation with her charm, wit, and superior intelligence.

"Get this: my allowance is 10K a month!"

"Holy fucking shit!! In 1982 dollars??!"

Blair is decked out in a bright red blouse and pretty skirt and tells the gals she's looking forward to developing a flirty rapport with the IRS auditor, then breezily says their meeting is going to go just fine.  A few seconds later, a bespectacled nerd in a grisly plaid suit enters the cafeteria and says he's here to meet with Blair Warner...and she grins, stretches out her hand, and coquettishly says, "Hi there." He gets right down to business and pulls out her ginormous tax return from his file folder and starts off by asking her if she's employed at her father's company as a fashion consultant. Blair pretends she is...and when he asks her what the job entails, she tells him she watches for trends, gauges reactions to trends, and reads Cosmo. The auditor's like, "Mmm hmm" and asks her if she has any receipts for all the clothing that was itemized on her tax return, and she's like, "Oops! I threw them away!" - but says the ensemble she's wearing is part of that wardrobe, and springs up to briefly model it for him. LOL. The auditor's like, "Mmm hmm" and asks her where she stores all of her tax deductible equipment - e.g. the TV set, telex, and computer monitor - and she stares cluelessly into space and pretends she has no idea where on earth she put all that equipment. The auditor wryly asks her if it's possible that she leased the equipment to her father's company with an option to purchase...and she starts to look very sheepish and mumbles something unintelligible. The auditor tells her there are all kinds of irregularities with her foreign tax credits, schedules, and stock losses...then says it's painfully obvious that her father invented a job title for her in order to avoid paying taxes, and added a bizarre list of assets attributed to her ownership that no auditor with a half a brain would ever believe was on the up-and-up. He tells Blair he'll be back on Monday and advises her to revise her tax return. As he heads toward the exit, a panicked Blair wails, "I want my daddy!" and the IRS auditor cheekily retorts, "So do we." Heh.

"So tell me...what does a teenage fashion consultant actually do for 10K a month?"

"Shop for clothes and read Cosmo. Sometimes I even read Cosmo while I'm shopping for clothes."

Later, Mrs. Garrett and the Facts gals help Blair sift through her piles of tax papers. Blair soon realizes that, on paper, she's the owner of a bunch of weird stuff, like a pig farm in Arkansas and a cannery in Guam. Jo looks over a stack of papers and says it looks like her father has been writing off vacations as business trips, then rattles off a short list: Geneva, Rome, Madrid, Barbados. Blair pales and says that must be a mistake...and Natalie makes a face and chirps, "Sounds a little illegal." Tootie says, as a daughter of two attorneys, it's her professional opinion that her father could go to prison over this kind of thing...and Jo snarkishly asks Blair if it doesn't totally bug her that her father stuck her with this mess, then fucked off to Nigeria and left her holding the bag. She growls, "He's cheating the government!" and Blair nonsensically replies, "It's not cheating. It's business" and says it's no different from how Mrs. Garrett fudges the food budget in order to buy fresh fruits and vegetables. Jo says there's a big difference - but Mrs. Garrett interjects and admits that what she's doing is wrong, then is all, "Ah fuck it" and announces that she's going to amend her budget report to reflect the dietary needs of the students and continue fighting for what's right. Good luck making headway with your idiot headmaster, Edna.

Natalie tells Blair that her father called and said he's on his way to Eastland. Blair looks relieved and smugly tells Jo, "You see? Daddy will take care of everything." She condescendingly tells Jo she just doesn't understand, and Jo snarlishly points out that it was very very shitty of him to put his own daughter in a difficult spot with the IRS over a few lousy bucks.

"You father fudged your tax return, then left you holding the bag."

"It's what all the rich douchebags in his tax bracket do."

A vapid looking Papa Warner arrives at Eastland, coos at Blair, "Are you OK, princess?" and says he knows how distressing the pesky IRS can be. He assures her that his attorneys are doing their best to sort out his creative accounting, and Blair complains that the IRS auditor made her feel like a criminal - even though his curiosity was pretty reasonable, given that her tax return is as thick as a phone book. She asks him why he didn't tell her about all the assets that were listed in it, and he waves a hand in the air and says he didn't want her to worry her pretty little head about it. When she cites the strange assets that he attributed to her ownership - the pig farm in Arkansas and cannery in Guam - Papa Warner says they're terrific investments that save him a ton of cash in the long run. He then says he's thinking about making her into a corporation (the fuck?) and calling it Princess, Inc. - but Blair wails, "I don't wanna be a corporation! I just wanna be your daughter!" She complains about how he wrote off all of their vacations as business trips, and that everything they do together always has a price tag attached to it. Papa Warner looks befuddled and says that this reminds him a lot of the conversation he had with her mother before she dumped his ass and filed for divorce. He then avoids anything resembling self-reflection and asks Blair if he's such a terrible father, and she remembers how much she enjoys riding his 10K a month gravy train and quickly says no...then thinks back to the contrived gushing Jo's been doing about going to ball games with her fun, felonious father and asks Papa Warner if he'd take her to a baseball game sometime. He laughs and reminds her she hates sports, so she says she doesn't care what they do - she just wants them to spend time together without it being a tax write-off. Papa Warner pretends to consider the request, then says he'll get back to her after his upcoming business trip...and a visibly disappointed Blair says, "Sure, OK", then turns her back on him and stares mournfully into space. He pulls an envelop out of his front pocket and tells Blair it's her allowance check, then smarmily adds, "You've always been my best girl" ... and she takes the envelop ('cause d'yuh) and murmurs, "I know" as he casually saunters out of the room. 

"I've been trying to write you off as a fixed asset, but the IRS isn't buying it."

"I'm pretty sure that's hurtful."

Jo tentatively enters the lounge and asks Blair whassup with the envelop she's clutching...and Blair sadly replies, "It's my father..." then lets her voice trail off as she stares moodily into space.  

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