The Facts of Life - Season 8, Episode 5

"I'm ready to give up my dream of being on Broadway before actually pursuing it."

"Off-Broadway Baby"
Original airdate: 11/1/1986

Episode summary: Tootie squanders an opportunity to audition for a Broadway show when she gives her spot to Stacey Q.

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Recap: Tootie is rehearsing a song for her upcoming Broadway audition while Beverly Ann accompanies her on the piano. Tootie abruptly stops singing to chide herself for not being good enough for Broadway, then admits that she's very nervous about auditioning for one of Peter Garland's shows. Beverly Ann points out that Peter, who's apparently one of Tootie's college professors, must have seen something special in her [or was simply wanking her for his amusement] when he suggested that she audition for his show, and encourages her to believe in herself and to treat this rehearsal as if she's at the audition (and enlists Andy to be the pretend director). When Tootie starts singing again, Andy abruptly cuts her off by barking, "Next!" ... and when Tootie shoots him the stink-eye, he sheepishly explains that he was merely trying to simulate the experience of a cutthroat Broadway audition. 

Beverly Ann gabbles about how excited she is to go to Manhattan for the first time (while she accompanies Tootie on the piano during her audition). Blair tells Jo she hopes to spend the bulk of their day giving Beverly Ann a tour of all of the swanky Fifth Avenue boutiques, while a grumbly Jo suggests they show her the real New York: Greenwich Village, Chinatown, and the Bronx...which kinda seems like a lot to squeeze into one day.

Natalie announces that she won't be able to make the trip to New York 'cause she's been tasked with writing an article for The Literary Monthly about a woman in flux. She wonders aloud where in blazes she's going to find a woman in flux...and somehow doesn't think to consider her own general state of flux and maybe writing about that. 

Tootie says that all her life she's dreamed of being cast in a Broadway musical, then nervously wrings her hands about whether or not she should drop out of college if she gets cast, and how she's going to handle all of the hateful critics. She then wails that everything is happening so fast that it's putting her into a contrived state of shock, and Natalie perks up at the impromptu meltdown and decides that Tootie's self-inflicted angst definitely translates to her being a woman in flux and announces that she's accompanying her to New York in order to fully document her audition. Beverly Ann, meanwhile, announces that she's going to be transporting everyone to Manhattan in her Winnebago [that I'll assume survived nearly careening off of a cliff in the season premiere], and Blair complains about how less-than-thrilled she is to be seen riding inside that ugly thing...while somehow refraining from pointing out how boneheaded it is to be driving a large motor home into the densest part of New York City instead of exercising the infinitely more sensible option of taking the train.

"What if my star rises faster than my ability to make life decisions?"

"How 'bout just focus on not completely blowing an audition for a role that seems like a pretty long shot to begin with."

Tootie arrives at the audition along with Natalie, who's narrating the experience in real time into her little tape recorder. Tootie checks in and learns that she's #316 in the queue...and when she's asked to provide a headshot, she whines that she doesn't have one 'cause she only found out about this audition yesterday [and says this as though her lack of preparation is somehow the casting director's problem]. She proceeds to rifle through her purse and finds a photo booth photo of her and Natalie, and scratches out Natalie's face before handing the photo over as her makeshift headshot. A few seconds later, Beverly Ann arrives and tells Tootie and Natalie that Blair and Jo are scouring the city for a parking space that's big enough to accommodate her Winnebago - good luck with that - and Natalie continues to narrate into her tape recorder the state of Tootie's 'in flux'-ness, while Tootie mulls over changing her stage name from Tootie to Coco Chanel to Ginger Curry. This, along with acquiring a proper headshot, really seems like something she should probably have sorted out well in advance of auditioning - but then I'm a recapper, not an expert in Broadway show casting calls.

Stacey Q (!), who ranks #314 in the audition queue, wanders over clutching a giant ghetto-blaster (how adorably '80s!) to ask Tootie if she can borrower her pencil, 'cause apparently she was so nervous that she ate hers. She then tells Tootie and Natalie that she's considering changing her stage name to Cinnamon...and Natalie amuses herself by introducing Tootie as Ginger and herself as Ground Clove. LOL.

"I'm thinking of changing my name to Cinammon."

"We'd make a spicy trio."

Later, a haughty looking woman named Elayne seats herself beside Tootie and bitchily makes it clear that she has zero interest in exchanging friendly chit-chat of any kind. Beverly Ann pops back in to check on the status of Tootie's queue - and when she learns that Tootie still has hours to wait before her audition, she announces that she's off to go see the Statue of Liberty.

A police officer boards the Winnebago and tells Jo and Blair that this unfathomably large vehicle is blocking the alley and that he's going to have to issue them a ticket. When Beverly Ann appears a few seconds later, he asks for her driver's license and registration...to which she responds by imploring him to not give her a ticket 'cause it'll make her all stressed and flustered when she has to play the piano for Tootie's Broadway audition. The officer looks as if he's actually sympathetic to her plight - but when Blair needlessly chides, "And all to meet some stupid quota", he's like 'fuck it' and proceeds to issue the parking ticket.

Tootie is humming the song she plans to sing for her audition - Two of Hearts - as she wanders over to the water fountain. While she's doing that, Stacey Q ambles past her and into the ladies room, where a dismayed Tootie hears her singing the very same song with her super amazing voice.

A despondent Tootie tells Natalie that she just overheard Stacey Q practicing her song, and that she sounded phenomenal. She declares that, as a result, she's ready to give up her dream of being on Broadway and slink back to Peekskill with her tail between her legs and finish college...and Elayne, who's overheard the conversation, derisively snarls that she definitely should do that if she can't take the pressure of being in showbiz. When Tootie whines about how difficult it's going to be to audition with the same song after someone who's as talented as Stacey Q, Elayne eggs her on to do everything possible to psych the blonde twit out. Tootie argues that that would be a supremely dickish thing to do - but Natalie points out that auditioning for Broadway is akin to the jungle, where only the strongest survive, and urges Tootie to ruthlessly ensure that Stacey Q doesn't get in the way of her dream to perform on Broadway. A newly energized Tootie's all, "Lemme at her!" and rushes off to screw with Stacey Q's head while Natalie cackles to herself about being able to use the ruthless ambition angle for her 'woman in flux' article.

"Broadway is for ruthless bitches."

"Now amuse me by going over there and fucking with the head of your competition."

Jo re-parks the Winnebago in the same alley where Beverly Ann was just ticketed and tells Blair that, according to her street-smart logic, since they've already been ticketed, the alley can be considered a safe zone for the rest of the day. A few seconds later, the same police officer from earlier returns, looks incredulous at Jo's chutzpah in blocking the alley a second time with the monstrous camper and issues another parking ticket.

Tootie fibs to Stacey Q about how much Peter Garland haaaaates the song Two of Hearts [which seems far too random to be true, but OK] and when Stacey Q's number in the queue is called, she dejectedly says she has no choice but to cancel her audition 'cause Two of Hearts is the only song she prepared. She thanks Tootie for her kindness in giving her the inside scoop on what Peter Garland hates and remarks on how worried she's been that showbiz seems to be a place where no one cares about their fellow man. Tootie instantly looks shamed and sheepishly admits that she just made up the story about Peter Garland hating Two of Hearts ['cause...well duh] and laments how the pressure of auditioning on Broadway has turned her into a cunty backstabber. As #314 (Stacey Q's number in the queue) is called and then skipped over when she fails to announce herself, Tootie implores her to not give up her dream of performing on Broadway, gives her her #316 number in the queue, and selflessly tells her to go break a leg. 

Natalie narrates into her little tape recorder that she's saying goodbye to Ginger Curry, aka a woman who's no longer in flux. [And saying hello to the moron who squandered a Broadway audition for no good reason.]
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Stacey Q takes the stage and performs Two of Hearts, aka the only hit anyone remembers her singing in the '80s, while Tootie watches her through a window and smiles wistfully at her missed opportunity...and a few seconds later, Beverly Ann wanders over to give the dolt a comforting pat on the shoulder.

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