The Facts of Life - Season 1, Episode 10

"For all I know, I was hatched."

"Adoption"
Original airdate: 4/25/1980

Episode summary: When Natalie tells everyone she was adopted, Blair offers to help her find her birth mother...but the effort is quickly abandoned when Mrs. Garrett subtly guilts Natalie into abruptly ending the search. 

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Recap: The girls are in Mr. Bradley's social studies (or maybe history?) class, displaying their family tree projects. Tootie starts babbling about her ancestors and says her grandparents had nine children, then saucily over-enunciates, "I don't have to tell you, they dug each other!" Sue Ann earnestly tells her classmates that researching her family tree has made her appreciate the hardships her family had to endure in Kansas during the 1800s, and Blair wryly remarks, "Living in Kansas today is a hardship." Hee! Blair tells the class that she has elected to exhibit her family's history through fashion...though I don't really get what that means in a practical sense. Mr. Bradley notices that Natalie doesn't have a completed project in front of her, and she glumly tells him she lost it. He snarks that it's due today and that she could get an F, so she snaps, "Then give me an F! It was a dumb project anyway!" The girls start tittering just as Mrs. Garrett enters the classroom carrying a large piece of cardboard. She brings it over to Natalie and tut tuts her for forgetting her family tree project in the dorm. Natalie slumps in her chair and grumps about how lousy her project is, but both Mrs. Garrett and Mr. Bradley look it over and gush about how great it is. Nancy looks at it and remarks that Natalie doesn't look anything like her red-headed parents, and then Mr. Bradley notes that her eye color is also different from that of both of her parents, which he says is "very unusual". Tootie jokes that maybe they switched her at the hospital...and as everyone chortles, Molly gets in on that action and suggests that maybe the nurses got bored and played musical babies. Natalie springs out of her chair and bellows, "That's not funny - it's mean!" and Tootie tells her to lighten up and that they're just kidding. Natalie orders them to knock it off, then says she doesn't even know if she was born in a hospital. She then turns her attention to Mr. Bradley again and tells him that she didn't want to do this project, since the people included in her family tree aren't her real family because she was adopted. She then tearfully scurries out of the room and Mrs. Garrett rushes out after her. Across the classroom, Cindy scrunches her face in a funny mixture of confusion and distaste and exclaims, "Adopted?!" LOL.

"Based on these family tree photographs, you appear to be a genetic misfit."

"Freak of nature!"

"Pod!"

Mrs. Garrett asks Natalie why she never told any of them she was adopted, and she says she didn't want to face all the questions she has no answers to, such as: who are her real parents? what do they look like? why did they give her up? Mrs. Garrett reminds her that she does have a mother and father who love her very much, and Natalie's like, "Yeah, yeah" and insists that she still really wants to find her real mother. Mrs. Garrett puts on her most serious face and is all, "Whoa.." and tells Natalie she has a lot to sort through before she can go rushing off to find her birth mother. 

The rest of the girls burst into the room and start peppering Natalie with questions. She tells them she's known she was adopted since the age of five, but didn't say anything when she came to Eastland 'cause she was afraid people might treat her differently. The girls assure her they don't really give much of a rat's ass about her being adopted; however, Tootie looks slightly miffed and tells Natalie she should have at least told her. In a rare display of self-awareness she says, "I've probably been saying stupid stuff to you without knowing it." Well, d'yuh. There's not a whole hell of a lot that comes out of Tootie's mouth that can't be classified as "stupid stuff". Molly asks her if she knows who her real parents are, and Natalie says no. Blair says it must be hard walking around, not knowing if the person you bump into on the street is your real mother or father. Tootie concurs, but then falls back into her old pattern of blurting out stupid stuff and jokes, "Yeah, Nat. Try not to bump into people!" Blair says she saw something similar to this situation on The Dinah Shore Show: a woman wanted to find her real parents, but all the clues turned out to be dead ends...until one day all of her searching paid off and she found her real mother. Molly, who apparently also saw that episode, even though The Dinah Shore Show was waaay before her time, chirps, "On Skid Row!" Natalie looks downcast and says it would probably be too hard for her to track down her real mother, but Blair suddenly perks up and says, "Not if I were helping you" and proudly reminds her she has connections. She asks Natalie if she really truly wants to find her birth mother, and she replies, "Sure, I guess so." Blair tells her that her mom is currently dating a judge who apparently has access to all kinds of files, and Sue Ann suddenly interjects and chides Blair for acting like she's such a big deal...with her MILFY mom and her big shot boyfriend. Blair calmly explains that she's in a position to help Natalie, but Sue Ann tells her she shouldn't stick her nose in Natalie's personal bidness.

Mr. Bradley brings over the book Creative Adoption for Mrs. Garrett to pass along to Natalie. Mrs. Garrett chides him for thinking a book is going to solve the girl's problems, then explains to the nitwit that what Natalie needs most is to get more in touch with her feelings. She tries to give him his book back, but he insists she give it to Natalie. I notice that Mr. Bradley prefers to solve problems by giving the girls books to read instead of engaging in human-to-human interactions.
When the phone in the dorm rings, Mr. Bradley answers it and looks confused when the caller identifies himself as a judge. Blair tells him the call's for her and grabs the receiver...and Mr. Bradley hovers over her annoyingly, until she nicely tells him to get lost. Once Mr. Bradley is safely out of earshot, Blair tells the judge she's Monica Warner's daughter and needs a favor.

Mrs. Garrett enters Natalie's room as the girls continue to overwhelm Natalie with their endless questions. Natalie tells them that Blair's going to help her find her real mother, and Mrs. Garrett scrunches her face in confusion and shrieks, "How?!" Blair swivels her head cockily and says, "It was easy" and Mrs. Garrett gets all vexed and snarks at Blair that what she's doing is very dangerous and that she needs to stop it right now. Blair says that Natalie is her friend and that she wouldn't do anything to hurt her...and Natalie earnestly concurs and reminds Mrs. Garrett that it's her life and that Blair is doing her a huge favor by helping her find her birth mother. Mrs. Garrett waves her hands dismissively and orders Natalie to head over to the headmaster's office with her so they can talk all this over with her [adoptive] mom and Mr. Bradley. It remains unclear why any of this is Mrs. Garrett's or Mr. Bradley's business.

"You shouldn't be insinuating yourself into your schoolmate's private life, Blair."

"Uh, isn't that the general premise of the show?"

Nancy's on the phone with Roger when Blair comes downstairs to yell at her to get off 'cause they're waiting for the judge to phone, and then loudly "jokes" to Nancy about what a creep Roger is. Apparently, Roger likes the sound of Blair's voice and tells Nancy whoever just called him a creep sounds really cute...and Nancy goes completely apeshit and widens her eyes dramatically. She and Roger are just...weird. Blair calls up the judge and gives him details about Natalie's birth date and location, and he tells her he'll call back as soon as he finds something. Molly bursts into the room and says she just found out about an organization that helps kids track down their birth parents...but unfortunately you have to be eighteen to use their services, so it's a completely useless tidbit. Sue Ann gets all judgey and admonishes Blair about her foolhardy plan to find Natalie's real mother, then wails about how opening sealed records is against the law, but Blair just shrugs and tells her there are always loopholes. The judge calls back to give Blair an update on the status of his research, which is that he's still looking. Um...OK, that was pointless. Sue Ann tells Blair that what she's doing is wrong, then suddenly back pedals and concedes that she was able to get further along in the search than she thought she would. Blair radiates in her smugness and snaps her fingers as she boasts, "All it took was a little Warner magic." 

"What you're doing is morally wrong - but I do think it's awesome that your MILFY mom is dating a judge."

"It's all part of the Warner magic."

"I wish there was such a thing as Weaver magic."

Cindy enters the dorm carrying a big box and tells Blair it's from Warner Fashions. Blair opens it excitedly, but is dismayed to discover that it's just filled with lacy negligees. She wails that this is some kind of a mistake, then stuffs the lingerie back in the box. Nancy grabs a black teddy and holds it against herself and tells the girls she'd like to model it for Roger. That douchebag?

Mr. Bradley is mad at Mrs. Garrett for giving Blair permission to search for Natalie's real mother, even though she never gave any such permission. He then gets distracted by the sight of the risque negligees and asks the girls what the hell is going on. Molly explains that they're Blair's father's kinky clothes...and after the laugh track dials itself down, Cindy clarifies that he doesn't wear them - he manufactures them. Mrs. Garrett asks them why they're talking about underwear when there's a serious issue that needs to be wrapped up with a big bow before the end of the episode. Mr. Bradley regains his focus and accuses Blair of opening up a can of worms for Natalie, and Blair's like, "Too late!" and tells him the judge will be calling any minute with the name of Natalie's birth mother. Mr. Bradley petulantly says he's not letting Natalie anywhere near that phone - 'cause, yeah, that's a sustainable solution. Mrs. Garrett points out to Natalie that she already has two families who love her: her adoptive parents at home, and the one at Eastland. Natalie looks contemplative and wonders aloud if she should be looking for her real mother and father, and Mrs. Garrett says she has a real mother and father who lovingly chose her to be their very own. Natalie explains that there's an empty space inside of her, which apparently needs to be filled with information about her biological parents, then moans, "I'm incomplete." Mrs. Garrett theorizes that she probably doesn't feel incomplete because she's adopted, but because she's an awkward, insecure thirteen year old girl...and feeling incomplete is all part of growing up. Cindy concurs and says, "You don't have to feel adopted to feel weird about yourself. I'm not adopted, and I feel weird" and Sue Ann chimes in and says, "Sometimes I look in the mirror and start to cry." Blair cheekily agrees that sometimes the sight of Sue Ann makes her want to cry too, and that line actually got a genuine laugh out of me. 

"Maybe you feel incomplete because you're at that awkward pre-pubescent stage everyone always just wants to forget once they're past it."

"I feel weird all the time...but maybe that's 'cause I'm still exploring my ambiguous strangeness."

Mrs. Garrett challenges the girls to admit that they all look in the mirror from time to time and ask themselves, "Who am I?" then says she did it a lot when she was a young lass. Molly and Nancy admit they do it too, and Blair reluctantly confesses to having an insecurity or two of her own. Mrs. Garrett suggests to Natalie that perhaps now is not the time for her to seek these kinds of answers, and to pursue finding her adoptive parents once she's done a bit more growing. In the meantime, she has a mother at home who loves her (even though she dumped her at a boarding school and rarely sees her). Mrs. Garrett pulls out a poem about how much adoptive parents love their children, and Natalie looks touched and says she likes it. Suddenly, the phone rings, and Tootie announces in her usual cheesy manner, "Here comes the judge!" Natalie looks contemplative as Mrs. Garrett nods at her and ominously says, "It's for you. Are you ready for it?" Natalie gets up and starts to walk over to the phone, stares down at it for a few seconds, then turns around and exuberantly invites everyone up to her room to polish off the rest of her [adoptive] mom's layer cake. The girls are like, "Hurray!" and Mrs. Garrett pulls her into a hug...and the poor judge, who generously took time out of his day to do Blair a favor, is rudely ignored on the other end of the line.

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