Recap: The gals (minus Charlotte) are hanging at a pool hall with Aidan and Steve, celebrating the removal of Steve's diseased ball and subsequent remission from testicular cancer. It's Samantha's turn with the pool cue, and she's laying it on thick about how she only has one ball left to pocket - "It all comes down to just one little ball!" - and this causes Steve to stare sadly into space about his nut sack now being one testicle short. During a pause in the game, Miranda and Carrie discreetly tell Samantha to lay off the "one ball" talk...and Samantha sheepishly apologizes for not being more sensitive. Miranda asks Aidan what the big deal is about having only one ball, and he suggests that it might make Steve feel like less than a man. Samantha offers her expertise in the area and says that a lot of men are very much into their balls - and is about to tell the story about how she was barely able to stuff a particularly well-endowed man's balls in her mouth when Carrie orders her to shut it. One of Samantha's former fuck buddies (who she can't even vaguely remember) named Allan Jannis saunters over to brag to Samantha about how he was the architect who designed Richard Wright's newest hotel. Samantha perks up at that and says she'd be interested in doing the hotel's PR and asks Allan to get her a meeting with Wright, and he promises to do what he can.
Over on Park Avenue, Charlotte and Trey are having moo shu takeout for dinner when Charlotte mentions that her doctor suggested he get his sperm checked. Trey haughtily snaps, "I'm eating", points out that they've only been babymaking for a few months, then asks her why she's assuming that his sperm is the source of their fertility problems. Charlotte says she's not assuming that; it's just easier to test the sperm. Trey whines that all this talk of sperm has ruined his appetite, then throws down his napkin and storms away from the table like the uptight little bitch he is.
Carrie and Aidan are standing in front of her bathroom sink in their ratty looking underwear, brushing their teeth and discussing the pleasures of ball tugging. Carrie reaches out her hand in a cupping motion - but Aidan cringes and then doesn't let her hand near his crotch. As the two giggle at their silliness, the phone rings...and Aidan greets the caller with, "Bradshaw House of Pain. How can we hurt you?" but loses his humor once he realizes that Mr. Big is on the other end. He mutely hands the receiver to Carrie, who quickly tells Big it's not a good time 'cause she and Aidan are about to go to bed. Big doesn't care and starting moaning about how Willow Summers is fucking with his head - so Carrie discreetly tells Aidan that the oaf is having girlfriend problems and that she'll take the call in the other room. Big complains that Willow never answers his calls or returns his messages, then says, "She can reach me, but I can't ever get her!" and repeats that for unnecessary added emphasis. He says the problems all started after he flew to L.A. in order to take Willow to some MTV event, where she summarily 'dissed him. He plays the most recent phone message she left for him, in which she sings I'm In a New York State of Mind. After Carrie abruptly ends the call, Aidan asks her why she felt it necessary to take the phone into the other room...so she tells him she knows it makes him uncomfortable when her ex-lover calls and that she doesn't want him to feel threatened. Aidan assures her he's not threatened by that jerk and pronounces, "I can take him." He then compares himself and Mr. Big to the Green Hornet and Batman, and gabbles about how the Green Hornet is the superior of the two superheroes 'cause he has the moves. Plus he has Pete - who's like Kato - and Carrie looks on with dismay as Aidan and Pete start chasing each other around the apartment.
At brunch, Carrie tells the gals about Aidan's superhero analogy and says she hopes that he fully gets that he has nothing to worry about where Big is concerned...since, no doubt, it's always going to be in the back of his mind that she's a shameless cheater who jumped in the sack with Big while they were supposedly in a relationship. She wonders aloud if it might be a good idea for the three of them to get together so that Aidan could see for himself how much she loves him, and that she and Big are nothing more than friends (er, future spouses). The gals don't think that that's a good idea at all, and Samantha cautions, "These are guys. They don't talk, they fight." Charlotte changes the subject and tells the gals that Trey's sperm is being tested for its potency, and that he got all pissy when she brought it up during dinner. She says she's never seen this haughty side of him before (uh, yes she has), so Miranda reminds her that anything resembling criticism of "that area" is a minefield.
Carrie heads back to her apartment to ponder the neuroses of her male friends while she taps out her weekly dreck. She concludes that men and women are probably not so different that they're from different planets, but goes a bridge too far when she wonders aloud, "Are men just women with balls?" Nope. They're men. Who, unlike women, are born with testicles.
As Miranda and Steve amble along the street together, Steve bellyaches about his missing ball and says he's toying with the idea of filling the newly created vacancy in his nut sack with a prosthetic. Miranda assures him that women don't actually give much thought to men's balls - but Steve says he can't help but be bothered by his deficiency and that he now feels lopsided. He made an appointment with a doctor to see about getting a prosthetic and wants Miranda to come along for moral support.
Samantha is in a meeting with hotel magnate Richard Wright - played by actor James Remar, who I've always thought looks uncannily like Michael York. He glances at Samantha's resume of parties and social events and disparagingly calls it fluff, and Samantha sassily retorts, "What is it that you do in your hotels? Nuclear fission?" He admits to being intrigued by her [lack of style, class, or substance], then says he's been talking to another PR rep, Brad Rosen, who he's pretty much decided to hire. He suggests that she partner with Brad and share the workload...then makes it clear that her working alongside a man, i.e. "a partner who isn't so emotional", is the only way he'd ever consider putting a woman [with her low level of sophistication] on his PR payroll.
At the next brunch summit, Samantha rails to the gigolas about Richard Wright's criticism of women being overly emotional, which is code for I don't want to hire a woman. Though it could also have been code for I don't want to hire an unclassy cougar who thinks about sex 24/7. Miranda says her law firm is like that, and that everyone's always worried that a woman is going to cry over a legal brief. Charlotte says she cried at the gallery once in ten years and no one ever let her forget it...and then Carrie cackles about how she once fake cried to her editor when she missed a deadline 'cause she was partying too hard in the Hamptons. The four complain about being regarded as too emotional just 'cause they're women, and Miranda theorizes in her usual blanket statement kind of way that men who are threatened by strong businesswomen write them off as emotional. Samantha decides that she's going to demand a second meeting with Richard Wright...and that by the time she's convinced him how awesome she is at PR, he'll be begging her to take the job. Apropos of nothing, Carrie tells the gals that she's planning to spend the weekend with Aidan in the country. Meaning Suffern. Which I wouldn't classify as "the country" so much as a bedroom community located less than an hour outside of Manhattan.
Carrie is relaxing inside the Suffern cabin, reading InStyle - which, not coincidentally, features Willow Summers on the cover. A few seconds later, Big calls and says he got this number off of her answering machine...so Carrie explains that she and Aidan are spending a long weekend upstate. He tells her that Willow broke things off and said she never wants to see him again...and that he can't even get an adequate explanation for her change of heart 'cause she won't return any of his calls. He once again says, "She can reach me, but I can't get her" which...OK, we get it, Big. It's a cruel, one way communication system that the writers for some reason have decided is funny for you to repeat half a dozen times in the same episode. Carrie stares at the InStyle cover photo and remarks on how Willow has the eyes of a crazy person, and Big moans about what a chump he is for letting Willow break his heart. He sounds despondent when Carrie tells him she won't be back in the city until Monday, so she extends a half-hearted invitation for him to drive up to Suffern for a heart-to-heart, but then thinks better of it and tries to dissuade him by telling him what an unbearably looooong drive from Manhattan it is. Big perks up at the idea of dusting off his Jag and going for a ride, and pauses the call to get a pen and paper so he can write down directions to the cabin.
Aidan asks Carrie who she was talking to on the phone just now, and she sheepishly says, "Batman" and that he'll be dropping by to commiserate with her about his heartbreak over Willow Summers. When Aidan shoots her a WTF? look, she says she accidentally invited him to drive up 'cause she felt bad about him being so brokenhearted. She shoves her foot in her mouth when she stupidly asks Aidan if a girl has ever broken his heart...and after he shoots her a mute stink-eye, he makes it clear that he doesn't want that philandering douche in his house. Carrie says they're just going to have a quick talk, and after that he'll head straight back to the city. She gives him a from-behind hug and coos, "You're my man. And I love you" and says she's only indulging Batman 'cause he's a friend who's badly hurting. Aidan snarls, "He'd better be fucking upset when he gets here" then remarks on the ginormous balls he has in coming onto his turf.
Steve and Miranda are in the doctor's office, looking over the sample testicle prosthetics. The doctor says that the balls come in four sizes, so Miranda suggests that Steve try the medium - but he stares back at her with a hurt expression and says he was more thinking he was a large. The doctor informs Steve that the ball implant surgery is part of a clinical trial 'cause the prosthetics are still being tested for safety. Miranda looks alarmed and says no, reminds him about the false safety claims of the Ford Pinto, and forbids Steve from going the implant route.
Trey is having difficulty getting it up in order to give the fertility doctor a sample of his sperm, so Charlotte comes to the rescue with a stack of Juggs magazines. He tells her he's so distracted 'cause he can't handle having being told he has yet another problem in his nether regions - but Charlotte assures him that she's sure the tests will conclude that he's got very strong Scottish sperm...then reaches down to give his balls a little tug. Trey perks up at the pleasurable stimulation, grabs the sample cup, and we later learn that his sperm turned out to be potent and plentiful. Fantastic.
Richard Wright concedes to Samantha that it turns out she is the best person to be his PR rep - but that he still won't hire her. When Samantha presses him for a reason, he says it's 'cause she slept with his architect...along with more than half of the male population in Manhattan. Samantha gets indignant and says she slept with that flunky years ago, then unhelpfully snaps, "I barely know the guy!" She tells him that for a man with such an innovative vision he's very short-sighted, then gets up and storms towards the elevators. She struggles to keep herself from bursting into tears as Richard follows her, calling her name...and makes it behind the closed elevator doors seconds before the tears start spilling. Somehow, her outburst impressed Richard so much that he hired her the next day, and expressed his deep admiration for her balls.
Mr. Big arrives at the Suffern cabin after dark, in the rain. Carrie runs over to his car and climbs into the passenger seat, and Big suggests they go somewhere for a drink. Carrie says that Suffern doesn't have any kind of watering hole (which I find impossible to believe) and invites him to come inside. Big makes a face and says he can't possibly talk about his contrived lady problems in front of Aidan, but Carrie's like, "Yes, you can. And you'd better."
An hour later, Big is sitting inside the cabin, rambling incoherently about his Willow heartbreak while guzzling wine...and Aidan looks less than impressed. Big pulls out a cigarette - but Carrie stops him and says he's not allowed to light up inside the cabin. Big decides he's ready to head home, but it's obvious he can't move about without drunkenly stumbling around. Carrie tells Aidan they can't let him drive in this condition, so an irked Aidan gathers some bedding, throws it at Big, and barks at him to sleep on the couch.
Miranda and Steve stop in at her apartment so she can give him the book A Positive Outlook to Healing. When Steve just kind of grunts disinterestedly, Miranda snarls that she's starting to hit her limit with his mopy-ness. He sadly explains that he was really counting on getting a prosthetic ball to fill his void down there, then mumbles, "Who's going to fuck a uniball bartender?" Miranda takes that as a personal challenge and unzips his fly...and the two start going at it atop her bed.
Early the next morning, Aidan is bouncing a basketball against the cabin's exterior wall, all passive-aggressive-like to make it clear how annoyed he is at Big's presence in his cabin. A hungover Big wakes up and moans, "What's that pounding?" so Carrie tells him that Aidan is pretending to shoot hoops, and that he needs to go outside and make friends with him. Big dismissively says they're middle-aged men who have nothing in common - but Carrie points out that since she's ridden both of their baloney ponies, they have her in common. And that if he doesn't make an effort, she won't be able to stay in his life.
Big stumbles outside and apologizes to Aidan about getting drunk and rambling incoherently all evening about his broken heart. When he suggests they shoot some hoops, Aidan dribbles the ball in the mud for a few seconds, then throws it hard at Big. After Big makes the shot, Aidan grabs the ball, dribbles it in mud again, and throws it at him...and when Big throws it back at him, the two lunge at each other and start rolling around in the mud. Carrie goes outside to see what all the commotion is about and shrieks, "Stop it! You're middle-aged!" but the fighting continues until Pete gets in on the action and bites Big on the ass. Yay Pete!
Aidan and Big shower, change into clean clothes, and sit across from each other at the breakfast table. Big tells Aidan that Willow could always reach him, but that he could never get her...and Aidan looks entranced by the overplayed conundrum and is all, "Whoa, dude. That's fucked up" while Carrie reads her InStyle magazine and looks on in smug amusement.
Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how the more privileged Manhattanites have a second home in the country...and she's saying this as Aidan is showing her the before and after photos of his rustic Rockland County cabin. When Carrie refrains from pointing out that the photos look nearly identical, he acknowledges that you really have to be there in person to appreciate it. He invites her to come up with him next week, and she pretends to look disappointed when she declines 'cause of a meeting she has with her editor. Aidan's like, "No problem!" and tells her that the cabin is a mere forty minute train ride from Manhattan...which means she can zip back to the city for her meeting, then come right back to Hicksville. He giddily dances with joy, then lapses into a fake southern twang as he do-si-dos and sings, "You're comin' to the country with meeee!"
A few seconds later, Miranda drops by and tells Aidan that Steve still has her listed as his in-case-of-emergency person with his insurance company and huffily says, "He needs to update that whole file." Aidan tells her that Steve has some stuff he wants to talk to her about, and she snidely retorts, "What? That he wants to start seeing me again? That he can't stop thinking about me? That he's still in love with me?" and Aidan wryly informs her that Steve has testicular cancer and probably just needs a friend to talk to. Miranda looks suitably sheepish and mutters, "That I'm a horrible, selfish bitch?" - well d'yuh - and puts her stricken face on.
Charlotte is atop the bed performing pelvic fertility exercises when Trey enters the room, likes what he sees, and mounts her. She warns him that she's not scheduled to ovulate for another five days...and that she'd rather he conserve his sperm so that it'll be at its most potent on Ovulation Day. Trey reminds her that they're going to be in Connecticut on Saturday for Bunny's orchid show...and Charlotte shrugs and says they're just going to have to have sex under his mother's roof. Trey decides he can get into that action, and the two engage in some light smooching.
Miranda and Steve meet up in a park, and she peppers him with questions about the status of his diseased testicle. When he doesn't seem to have much in the way of information or knowledge of any kind of treatment plan in the works, she tells him she asked around at her firm and got the name of a specialist. Steve says he already has a doctor and that testicular cancer isn't such a big deal 'cause it's practically trendy nowadays - and a fed up Miranda screams, "It is a big fucking deal!" and says if he doesn't take his illness seriously, the cancer will start to spread and he will die. Steve stares back at her with a hurt, tearful expression on his face.
At brunch, a sheepish Miranda tells the gals she yelled at Steve and made him cry, but Samantha applauds her for giving him the kick in the ass he needed in order to properly deal with his cancer. Carrie tries to convince the gals that they could all use a relaxing weekend at Aidan's "country house" - but Samantha makes a blech face and says she's not remotely interested, Miranda claims she needs to stay in town to make Steve feel bad about himself, and Charlotte says that she and Trey will be bumping uglies while stuck at Bunny's Connecticut compound for the weekend. Samantha rhetorically asks whaddup with all the men she's been doinking lately asking her what she's doing on the weekend...then explains that her weekends are for meeting new guys so that she doesn't "have to keep fucking the old ones". I can't help but wonder why this old whore never worries about all the various STDs she could get...or, scarier yet, luring the wrong kind of dude up to her loft. Would it not be a fitting end to her life if some closet psychopath bludgeoned her to death after getting enraged over her no fucking on any upcoming weekend policy? Carrie whines about being "a hick town hostage", then decides she'll give the country a half-hearted effort for Aidan's sake...and this prompts a derisive eye roll from Miranda, who doesn't believe in compromise of any kind. She asks Carrie what hick town she's about to become a hostage of, and Carrie looks shamefaced and calls it "too awful for words", then tells them it's Suffern. The four cackle as Miranda mockingly advises her to "take some Buffern to Suffern".
Aidan, Carrie, and Pete arrive in Suffern in Aidan's pick-up truck...and Carrie looks dismayed by the dilapidated state of the cabin. She totters around in her stilettos as she drags her designer suitcase up the wooden steps and into the cabin...'cause why be practical and put on a pair of fucking flats for a change and transport a couple of pairs of t-shirts and jeans in a simple overnight bag? Aidan proudly tells her he just installed a new water heater...then pauses and asks her if she finds the place as scary as she thought she would. She nervously chortles and fake exclaims, "God no!" but then voice-overs that it was far scarier, and that she'd much rather be out cocktailing or sale-ing. When a squirrel suddenly appears on the window sill, Carrie acts as if she's never seen any of the hundreds of squirrels that regularly roam Central Park and screams bloody murder. Aidan comes running over, gives her a funny look when he sees what she's screaming about, then explains that this is his squirrel, and that he's been trying to coax it over with nuts so that it'll be more friendly. Carrie snarkishly retorts that a squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit.
After a quick doink, Aidan falls asleep at 8:30pm, leaving a restless Carrie wandering around the cabin. She makes herself a few too many Vodka Kool-Aids and uses the time to tap out her weekly nonsense. As she irritably swats at mosquitoes, she ponders whether relationships are a series of compromises, and can't help but wonder: in a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising? All I know, Carrie, is that the sooner you cut Aidan loose, the sooner he can start shopping around for a woman who would actually appreciate and deserve his sweet kindness.
Samantha has just wrapped up a bump and grind session with her latest hookup when the guy asks her what she's doing next weekend. She rolls her eyes in disgust, springs out of the bed, and throws his clothes at him. He just stares back at her in confusion, 'cause I guess she didn't make it clear that her interest in him wasn't going to extend past a one time fuckfest.
Steve is hanging with Miranda at her apartment, watching TV and eating Chinese takeout. Steve complains that he's getting creeped out by how uncharacteristically sweet she's being to him, e.g. offering him the last spring roll when she has a history of scarfing them all down herself. She explains that she's feeling very guilty and sheepish for bitching at him in the park...so he informs her that after that bitch-slapping, he went and called the specialist she recommended - which means that he now has a doctor who knows what he's doing, an operation scheduled, and insurance that's going to pay for it. He grins at her and adds, "So thank you for being a huge bitch."
Bunny gives Charlotte a tour of her greenhouse to proudly show off her prize-winning orchids. They are very lush and pretty, I'll give her that. Charlotte does her best to feign interest in the flowers as she periodically checks her watch. Bunny hands her a repotted orchid and pronounces that it's a gift for her - like the gift she's about to give the MacDougals. Which I'll take to mean that Trey blabbed to his mother about their baby making efforts.
Carrie is driving Aidan's pick-up truck to a fast food drive-thru while talking on her cell to Charlotte. She complains about the torture of having to spend any amount of time in Hicksville, while Charlotte complains that Bunny has already picked out names and private schools for hers and Trey's non-existent child.
Carrie decides to give her country getaway a chance, so she changes into a pair of overalls and offers to help Aidan with whatever he's puttering around with. He decides it's the perfect time for the two of them to transport railroad ties over to a mud hole...and we get to watch Carrie be all "fish out of water" as she repeatedly falls backwards into the mud and gets her clothes and hair all filthy. Once the hijinks have run their course, Carrie throws in the towel on giving Suffern a chance and tells Aidan she has to head back to the city for her editor's meeting.
Four hours later, Carrie is in a swanky Manhattan restaurant with Big, enjoying a steak dinner. She bitches and moans about having to spend time in the country despite how much she loooooves Aidan - then pauses and asks Big if it's OK to talk about this stuff. He shrugs and tells her that he too has met someone...but that she has to keep it on the down low 'cause the someone is actress Willow Summers. Apparently, he met her at a movie premiere, went out for drinks, then back to her hotel room for a romp. He starts to elaborate by saying, "The dress came off" - but Carrie stops him 'cause deep inside she still can't stand the thought of him bedding a woman who's not her. Big says he can't get Willow out of his head, and is giddy about how crazy she is about him. He solemnly says, "There's something here...a connection" and that he's pretty sure it's love.
After dinner, Carrie looks deep in thought as she wanders the streets of Manhattan in her ultra short skirt...which has some kind of strange looking tail sewn on the back of it - no doubt inspired by the fluffy white balls the Playboy Bunnies used to wear on the rump of their bodysuits.
Carrie has somehow roped Samantha into coming to Suffern with her so she can keep her company while she tries her hand at baking a pie. Samantha looks as bored as possible while fanning herself and complaining about the oppressive heat. She grumbles about what a dump the cabin is just as Aidan enters the room - which would have been awkward if Samantha had any ability to feel embarrassment - then looks out the window and is intrigued by the sight of a sexy, shirtless farmer riding around on a tractor. When she saucily asks, "Who's the farmer with the delts?" Aidan tells her his name is Luke Gilmore, and that he moved to Suffern shortly after the last market crash. Samantha fashions a crop top out of the loud pink blouse she's wearing, grabs a measuring cup from Carrie, and tells her they're going to need some milk for their pie.
Samantha coos, "Yoo hoo!" as she sashays into Luke's barn...and he stares at her quizzically and asks her if she's lost. She explains that she's from next door and was wondering if she could get some milk for her pie, so Luke motions at one of his cows, says, "Help yourself", and watches in amusement. Samantha totters over to the cow in her stupid high heels and seats herself on a tiny milking stool. She checks out the mammary glands on the cow's udder and cheekily remarks that something tells her she'd be very good at squeezing and rolling those dick-like appendages. On her first try she gets squirted in the face, then "jokes" about how she usually gets a little warning before that happens. The two ogle each other and look horned up enough to strip down and start going at it in the barn (spoiler alert).
Charlotte races up to the guest room and bellows at Trey (who's soaking in the tub) that she's about to ovulate. She barks, "Get in this bed and make love to me right now!" then bursts into the bathroom and is all, "Ack!!" when she finds Bunny sitting beside the tub, chatting with Trey while puffing on a cigarette. She tells Charlotte she was just telling her son how much she reminds her of herself at a young age...and Charlotte just stares at the disturbing sight with an expression of weirded out bewilderment.
Trey finds Charlotte milling around the greenhouse amid the orchids...and when she remarks on the weirdness of the bathroom scene she just walked in on, he explains that he was raised by his nanny and that the only time Bunny ever carved out time for him in her busy schedule of socializing and tennis matches was during bath time. Sounds like she was a pretty shit mother. Charlotte's watch alarm suddenly goes off...and when she tells him she's ovulating, the two decide to go at it right then and there and accidentally destroy a few of Bunny's prize winning orchids in the process.
Miranda is sitting at Steve's bedside when he wakes up from his operation. She tells him she spoke with the doctor, and that he told her everything "looks good down there" to which she jokingly replied she'd seen better. A nurse pokes her head in the room and tells Miranda she has to leave, but she refuses and haughtily informs her that she's Steve's in-case-of-emergency person. The nurse says she can stay for twenty more minutes, but after that visiting hours are over.
Over in the barn, Samantha is riding Luke as she loudly moans. The two climax at exactly the same time, then collapse on some hay. A satiated Luke asks her what she's doing next weekend, and she glares at him in disgust and storms off like the bizarre weirdo she is.
Carrie takes her pie crust out of the oven and proudly tells Aidan that they just need to peel some apples - but Aidan tells her she's on her own with that 'cause he needs to shower. A few seconds later, his pet squirrel makes a second appearance on the window sill...and once again Carrie screams bloody murder and drops the pie crust onto the floor, squealing from the pain of the hot pan burning her legs. She starts railing about how much she hates the cabin and doesn't belong in the country, while Aidan calmly applies ice to the burned parts of her legs and refrains from calling her out on her obnoxious bitchitude and contemplating what a soul-sucking relationship this is probably going to turn out to be in the long run. When she finally simmers down, she contritely apologizes for acting like such a big baby....and poutishly says she doesn't hate the cabin, just the squirrel. She agrees to compromise by spending just weekends at the cabin...and Aidan is agreeable to that, and the two start kissing and then going at it atop the kitchen counter.
Upon returning to civilization, Carrie and Samantha get fresh apple pies at McDonalds and then amble along the street. Carrie says she hates the country a little less than she did before - now that she's not expected to spend all of her time there. Also, Aidan agreed to install an air conditioner so that he'd no longer have to listen to her incessant bitching and moaning about the place being too hot.
Just run, Aidan. Run far and fast.
Recap: One "frazzled Friday", the gigolas meet up for lunch in a park, and we get to watch each of them arrive from their various corners of Manhattan. Carrie is decked out in one of Pat Field's stupider concoctions that she was no doubt trying to pass off as groundbreaking urban fashion: a tube top and scarily short shorts, a long overcoat, and a newsboy cap. Samantha gets distracted by a street vendor who's selling booklets that feature illustrations of 1001 sexual positions. Once the four converge in the park, they feast on the gourmet sandwiches that Charlotte brought - now that she's unemployed and has all kinds of time to make gourmet sandwiches for her friends - and get caught up on their lives. Miranda says that her life has been work work work, and Au Bon Pain, while Carrie's has been Aidan Aidan Aidan, and a pimple. Charlotte reports that redecorating the luxury apartment she's now lounging around in full time has been very stressful, not least 'cause there are over forty different kinds of dimmers. Egads! When Carrie accidentally drops her keys on the ground, Miranda picks them up and laughs at the large ring and jokes about them resembling janitor's keys. Carrie explains that she and Aidan exchanged house keys, and that it takes seven keys to get inside Aidan's building...which sounds like some made-up-for-no-reason bullshit, since any New York apartment I ever lived in [I was once a resident of the lovely borough of Queens] at most required three keys: front door, bottom lock, top deadbolt. Samantha shows the gals the 1001 Sexual Positions booklet that she bought on the corner for $1.50 and cackles, "I love this city!" She over-shares that Nick, the wrestling coach she's doinking this episode, is like an extra-strength rubber band and can contort his body into a lot of the implausible positions illustrated in her booklet. And I have no doubt we'll soon get an eyeful of the disturbing spectacle.
Carrie returns home to find Aidan listening to the oldies and cooking fajitas on his George Foreman grill. She jokingly accuses him of deflowering her kitchen, since it's not generally used to actually cook anything, then reaches into his pant pockets to fondle his balls. Aidan quickly gets turned on, and the two start going at it on the floor...which, blech, Aidan. Blech.
Later, Carrie is tapping out her weekly raunch when Aidan suddenly looms over her shoulder and starts reading aloud her 'I couldn't help but wonder' nonsense. She quickly covers her monitor and tells him it's not finished yet - when suddenly her computer makes a strange noise as a system error pops onto the screen. She's all, "OMG! Why is this happeninnnnnng?" so Aidan taps on the keyboard in an effort to reboot the thing...but then a sad Mac face appears before the screen goes blank altogether. Carrie stares at her dead laptop in horrified bewilderment, while Aidan's like, "Weird. That always works for me." When he starts indiscriminately tapping at keys again, Carrie snaps at him to stop, then moves the computer away from him so his fingers can't reach the keyboard.
Carrie bundles her computer in a purple pashmina scarf and rushes it over to the local computer repair shop. When her number is called, she babbles at the technician, Daily Show alum Aasif Mandvi, about how the computer went dead after Aidan tapped on some keys. When Aidan explains that he pressed ctrl alt del, Aasif says that that only works on PCs, then wryly adds, "You're not compatible." Heh. He asks Carrie how often she backs up her work, but she just stares at him blankly, says, "I don't do that", and describes the tiny sad face graphic that appeared on her screen just before it went blank. Aasif chides her for sad Mac'ing her computer, which could signal a problem with the motherboard or mean it has some bad RAM. He says he'll keep her laptop for a few days, run some tests and call her if he finds anything, then screeches, "Next!"
Carrie gets on a pay phone to call Miranda on her cell and moan about how she might have just lost every piece of raunch she's ever written. Sounds like a public service. Thank you, laptop. When Carrie finally gets around to asking Miranda what she's up to, she tells her she's at a hospital in Philadelphia 'cause her mother had a heart attack last night. Carrie's like, "OMG!" and chides her for letting her yammer on and on about her stupid computer. She offers to hop on a train and keep her company - but Miranda tells her to hold off on that for now and insists that everything's A-OK.
Charlotte, meanwhile, is enjoying a quiet afternoon in her Park Avenue penthouse, tracking her monthlies and adjusting then re-adjusting the dimmer that's wired to the chandelier in her dining room. Carrie voice-overs how pleased Charlotte was with herself for becoming a "bona fide dimmer expert" ... even though the electrician who installed the thing would be the actual bona fide dimmer expert.
Samantha is having a sexy wrestling match with Nick, and both are decked out in blue spandex wrestling leotards. At one point, Nick throws Samantha onto the mat and thrusts his pelvis against her crotch until she screeches in ecstasy...and Carrie voice-overs, "One half-Nelson, one full orgasm." I call horseshit on that one, since the two are still fully dressed in their blue leotards with their genitals still securely tucked in the spandex. For shame, writers. That seemed very network TV-ish considering that that was a sex scene on an HBO show.
Miranda calls Carrie the next morning to tell her her mom died last night...and that, sadly, she started crashing after all the family members had unwittingly gone home for the night. She says the funeral is scheduled for Tuesday...and when Carrie offers to go to her apartment and get her something to wear, Miranda tells her not to bother 'cause she's just going to buy a shitty black dress she'll never wear again. When Carrie gets off the phone she tells Aidan whassup, and he says he'd like to attend the funeral to pay his respects. Carrie ambles over to her bathroom while mumbling, "You don't have to go...I don't really know.." leaving Aidan staring into space with a crestfallen look on his face.
Carrie meets up with Charlotte and Samantha at a diner and breaks the sad news about Mrs. Hobbes. She gets all teary and moans about how she doesn't think she said the right things to Miranda, and that she sounded so sad and alone. Charlotte ponders aloud if they should buy flowers, a fruit basket, or muffins - while Samantha stares despondently into space at the prospect of sitting through brunch without a side of tacky sex talk. When Carrie asks her if she's OK, she brightens and replies, "I'm fine. I'm just hungry."
Charlotte is overseeing the cellophane wrapping of a giant gift basket for Miranda while chatting on the phone to Samantha about their travel plans to Philadelphia. Samantha scrunches her face in disdain and says she didn't realize they were giving flowers and attending the funeral...and Charlotte's like, "Well duh" and urges her again to call Miranda to express her condolences. Samantha whines that she doesn't know what to say to her...then hangs up, dials Nick's number, and saucily asks, "Wanna wrestle?"
We get a disturbing montage of Samantha and Nick bumping uglies every which way...and it seems to go on for an interminably loooong time before it comes to a climax-less end for Samantha. Eventually she's forced to throw in the towel when Nick says he has to get to the cleaner's by 5pm [to get himself deloused].
Charlotte tells the local florist she needs to order a tasteful funeral wreath from their Philadelphia location, then snaps, "I don't want any crap!" ... and the saleswoman somehow refrains from telling her where she can shove her bitchitude. Samantha can't bring herself to get interested in the funeral arrangements of the mother of one of her BFFs and whines to Carrie and Charlotte that she just spent the last two hours "fucking with no finale". I don't say this lightly, but this has to be a new low in the old whore's sex-centric shallowness and soulless void of human empathy. Charlotte tells her she once heard a [made up] story about a woman who had orgasms all her life - but then one day they stopped for good, as if she had used them all up or something. Samantha shoots her the stink-eye and wails that that's the meanest thing she's ever said to her.
Miranda is at a department store, shopping for a shitty black bra to go with her shitty black funeral dress. A saleswoman named Lucille spots her browsing the racks, forcibly measures her bust, and tells her she's a 34B - not a 36A. While Miranda is in the fitting room trying on the 34B, Lucille asks her how everything is going, then barges in and starts adjusting her bra straps. Miranda snaps at her for her hands-on fussing...and when the woman assures her she's not being fresh and insists that she knows best, Miranda gets all in her face and shrieks, "I think that I know what's best for me!" but then immediately breaks down 'cause, as Carrie voice-overs, she just realized that she's never going to be able to spar with her mother this way ever again. She tearfully tells Lucille about her mom's death, apologizes for her bitchitude, and the two strangers hug it out.
When Carrie arrives home, Aidan presents her with a new Macbook and zip drive so she can start backing up her work. Instead of being appreciative of her kind boyfriend's thoughtfulness and generosity (that Carrie in no way deserves), she looks peeved and dismissively says she doesn't know how to use a zip drive (and has no interest in learning, apparently) and that she has her own system, which I guess is losing all of her work every time her computer crashes. She snappishly tells him she's not ready for a new computer 'cause she's still waiting to hear back about the old one, then wails, "My whole liiiife was on that computer!!" Aidan gets so irked about getting continually shut out of her life that he removes her house keys from his key chain, slams them on the table, and storms out. Hurray! Run fast and far, Aidan!
Samantha's in the bathtub, desperately trying to get herself off...but when her efforts aren't fruitful, she tries an assortment of dildos. Charlotte calls her during her quest for clitoral relief to ask her if she called Miranda yet, and she snappishly retorts that she doesn't want to bother [giving any comfort to] her grieving friend, then reminds her that she had announced that she'd be masturbating all day. By nightfall, Samantha "called off the search party" and gave up on her missing orgasm...and there's no shit small enough that I could possibly give about her "predicament".
Carrie returns to the computer repair place to pick up her laptop. Aasif shows her what he was able to recover...which is just a screen filled with gobbly-gook. He says he can replace her motherboard, and advises her to start backing up her weekly raunch.
Carrie calls Aidan as she's about to leave for Philadelphia. She apologizes for her cunty 'tude this episode, and lamely explains that she's afraid of getting too used to relying on him for stuff, which would suck if things between them fall apart...which they inevitably do 'cause of his trust issues and whatnot. Aidan just breezily jokes that if they split, they'd be a couple of sad Macs.
The gals arrive at the church in Philadelphia...and when Samantha gets brazenly checked out by a couple of mulleted uggos, she derisively grumbles, "I'm not going to find my orgasm in this town." The family of the deceased arrives in a small caravan of cars, and Miranda comes over to assure the gals she's fine...except that everyone is freaking out about the fact that a thirty-five year old, unmarried woman will be walking alone behind her mother's casket after the service. Seems unlikely that that would actually be on anyone's radar at this sad time, but OK. Charlotte, meanwhile, is horrified when she sees the wreath she ordered 'cause of its tacky ginormousness.
During the service, Charlotte continues to stew about the tacky wreath while the minister has problems keeping the names of the deceased family straight. When Samantha looks around in bewilderment at all the crying mourners around her, she too gets teary. She locks eyes with Miranda and mouths I'm sorry, and Miranda mouths thank you.
During the sad walk down the aisle after the service, Miranda breaks down and starts sobbing. Carrie rushes over to her and clutches her hand so she's not alone in the aisle...which was uncharacteristically thoughtful of her and, I'll grant, a little touching. Miranda is visibly touched when she sees Steve and Aidan, who also travelled from Manhattan to pay their respects. Samantha, meanwhile, has finally let the floodgates of her emotions break wide open and is sobbing in Charlotte's arms.
Carrie is in her apartment, typing up her column - but this time she's got a zip drive to back up her shittastic columns. Oh joy. She voice-overs about how "shit happens" in life, and that a zip drive can provide comfort...as can a boyfriend, if you can learn to not to treat him like a dead insect on the heel of your Manolos.
Recap: Aidan and Carrie are going at it in the sack when the phone suddenly rings...and as soon as the answering machine kicks in, we hear Mr. Big coo, "Call me, baby." [Have I mentioned enough in these recaps how much I fucking loathe Big and his obnoxious hey babys?] As Aidan glares over at the phone, Carrie starts stammering some kind of explanation...but he just ignores her and continues with his smooching.
At brunch, Carrie tells the gigolas that Big left her a message while she and Aidan were bumping uglies...but that Aidan just kept boning her. The next morning, however, she couldn't help but notice that Aidan had moved all to the way to the very edge of the bed, which was a total switch from their usual routine of her cuddling inside the nook of his arm. She glumly adds that she's afraid he'll never forgive her for her Big indiscretion last season. Charlotte mercifully changes the subject and announces that she's considering quitting her job at the gallery and explains that she wants to quit working altogether. Yeah, I'd love to quit working too; unfortunately, I don't have a rich doctor who's willing to pay my bills. When the gals stare back at her in stunned silence, she explains that she's been driving herself so crazy lately "just trying to get everything done" that Trey suggested she dump her career to become a full time lady of leisure. She dismissively remarks, "What has the gallery ever done for me?" Gee, I dunno...provided you with the ability to make a pretty easygoing living in New York City all these years?? Carrie reminds her that she loves her gallery job, but Charlotte says there's so much more she could be doing with her life, such as bear Trey's spawn, take Indian cooking classes, glaze bowls, and volunteer to help fundraise for the new pediatric AIDS wing at Trey's hospital. When Carrie gently asks if she just had a bad work week, Charlotte unconvincingly insists that she really really wants to quit. Samantha warns her to be very sure of her decision, 'cause once she gets off "the Ferris wheel", plenty of ruthlessly ambitious young women will be lining up to take her cushy job at the gallery.
Later, Carrie is sitting on her bed, tapping out her usual 'I couldn't help but wonder' bullcack on her laptop. In this week's shittastic instalment, she longs for a swift medical procedure - a lobotomy, to be specific - to erase all ugly memories and mistakes from her consciousness. She runs her hand along the side of the bed that Aidan usually sleeps on and voice-overs that from now on she only wants to experience fun times...then contorts her horsey face into an expression of wistfulness as she taps out: can you ever really forgive if you can't forget? I dunno, Carrie. How about avoiding the conundrum altogether by not sleeping around on a total keeper with your unhappily married ex?
Samantha is decked out in a fugly pink pantsuit and loaded down with shopping bags when she hails a cab. When one stops for her, she struts towards it - but then some random guy beats her to it and climbs into the back seat. Samantha's all, "Hey!", but then perks up when the cab stops at a nearby stoplight. She runs toward it, shoves her shopping bags into the back seat, and forces the cab thief to shove over. In the next scene the two are fervently doinking in Samantha's loft...'cause, yeah, why not spend the afternoon doinking a complete stranger you just met in the back of a cab, and then somehow equate it to an empowering tribute to feminism?
The following morning, Carrie once again finds Aidan huddled in the furthest corner of her bed. When she presses against him for a morning canoodle, he glances at his watch and says he needs to hit the gym pronto in order to ward off his Season 3 paunch. Carrie leans in for a kiss, but he cringes at her mouth stank and tells her to brush her teeth first. Ouch. And haha! Carrie poutishly voice-overs, "Well that settled it...he wasn't forgiving or forgetting."
Charlotte calls Miranda to admonish her for being "so judgemental" when she announced she was quitting her job...which is odd 'cause I don't remember Miranda doing anything during that conversation except stare dully into space. Miranda growls that it's 8:15am, she's busy getting ready for work, and that she (Charlotte) should take up whatever insecurities she has about quitting her job with her prissy dork of a husband. She's about to hang up when Charlotte rails about how there's nothing wrong with wanting to raise a baby and help cure AIDS, then orders Miranda to get behind her choice. Miranda barks, "You get behind your choice!" and hangs up the phone while Charlotte is repeatedly bellowing, "I choose my choice! I choose my choice!" An irritated Miranda jerks her head to the side...and the movement somehow results in her entire neck getting thrown out of whack.
Carrie brings Aidan a fresh glass of orange juice and acts all saucy and seductive when she tells him she just bought it from "the Korean" ... and is saying this while wearing a skirt and a flesh colored bra that makes it look like she's walking around topless. And since I highly doubt she went to "the Korean" without a top on, I can only assume she quickly stripped it off before performing her I'm-so-sexy schtick for Aidan's viewing pleasure, even though he looks completely disinterested in ogling her sinewy naked torso. She gabbles about how she has a tense meeting with her editor this morning and asks Aidan to help her stick on her nicotine patch. She fishes for a compliment about how great she's doing kicking the smoking habit, then declares herself to be "practically perfect". Aidan roughly smacks the patch onto her back...and when she yells, "Oww!" and stares at him in bewilderment, he snidely says he just wanted to be sure it was on good and tight. A few seconds later, he gets irritated at the curdled milk in her fridge...and when Carrie calls him out on his pissy attitude, he back pedals and says he's just stressed 'cause he needs someone to watch Pete for a few days while he strips some of his furniture pieces with toxic chemicals. Carrie says she'd be happy to dog-sit, despite her dislike of Pete and Pete's utter disdain for her, then offers to take him out to dinner tonight. Aidan declines and says he had plans to get together with the guys at Scout...then says she's welcome (though not really) to join them. Miranda calls to inform Carrie that her entire body is now out of whack because of the marathon (that must have taken place off camera). Carrie asks, "Is there anything I can do?" and Miranda barks, "Come over!" Carrie starts nattering about about her meeting with her editor, but Miranda doesn't give a rat's ass and snaps, "Thanks!" as the phone accidentally slips out of her hand. Carrie moans to Aidan that it's probably too late to cancel the meeting with her editor, so Aidan takes the hint and offers to check in on Miranda in her place. Carrie hugs him and gushes about what a great boyfriend he is.
Twenty minutes later, a naked Miranda is laying face down atop a bathmat on her bathroom floor 'cause apparently it's the only position that eases the pain in her neck. When she hears someone enter the apartment, she weakly calls out, "Carrie..?" but Aidan identifies himself. Miranda panics and warns him to not come into the bathroom - but he bursts in anyway, looks startled by the sight of her naked backside, and exclaims, "Oh Jesus!" Miranda attempts to get up on her own - but can't do it and cries out in pain. Aidan discreetly covers her naked parts with a towel, lifts her up, and carries her out of the bathroom.
Charlotte is interviewing for her gallery replacement...which seems like kind of a strange hiring practice, but maybe the gallery doesn't have anything resembling a Human Resources manager. She interviews a grisly looking young woman who reminds her of a younger version of herself and hires her on the spot...which seems pretty rash, but OK. The young woman asks her why she's leaving this fantastic job, and Charlotte dreamily retorts, "I'm marrrrried" as if that alone is any kind of explanation for exiting the workforce, then adds that she's planning on starting a family soon, and also wants to do her part to cure AIDS.
Carrie drops by Scout decked out in a crop top and long skirt so that we can get another long look at her bare torso. She spots Aidan sitting at the bar, then struts over and exclaims, "My hero!" and thanks him for being great - not only to her - but also to her friends. She's startled when an attractive waitress named Shayna suddenly pops up from behind the bar and asks Aidan if they're still on for a game of jacks (played with peanuts). Carrie introduces herself, then asks Aidan where the guys are...and he grunts that they all blew him off. Carrie tells Shayna about how totes awesome Aidan was to her injured friend (in other words: back off my man!), and Shayna flirtily grins at Aidan and replies, "We got us a nice guy here." Carrie pulls Aidan aside and discreetly asks him whassup with him getting all cozy with Shayna, and Aidan's all, "Wha-a?" and pretends he has absolutely no clue what she's talking about. Carrie tells him to go ahead and do his thing, but that he should come by her apartment whenever he's done with his jacks/peanuts game.
By 3:00am, it becomes clear to Carrie that Aidan was blowing her off...and she sadly blows out the romantic candles she had surrounded her bed with and voice-overs that she's definitely being punished for her "Big mistake".
The next morning, Carrie checks in on Miranda, who stiffly answers the door wearing a neck brace and informs Carrie that she had to sleep sitting up. Like the Elephant Man. Carrie holds up the bag of bagels she brought over to cheer her up, then starts yammering about how Aidan never came over last night. Miranda gets irked and bellows, "This is bullshit" ... and when Carrie assumes she's referring to Aidan's behavior and is all, "Right..?", Miranda clarifies, "No, you! You are bullshit!" and accuses Carrie of using the bagels as a decoy so that she could go on and on about Aidan. She then angrily rails about how Aidan saw her naked butt when he unexpectedly came over, and Carrie sheepishly apologizes for sending him in her place...but then continues to yammer about how she's pretty sure Aidan is hitting the sheets with Shayna to torture her for her sleazy affair with Big.
Samantha's cabbie hookup is getting dressed after another doinkfest. Samantha lays on the bed, stares at him dreamily, and coos, "You're a wild man" and he's like, "Uh, speaking of wild.." and tells her she needs to get her pubes waxed, asap. As he strides out of the loft, Samantha stares after him in bewildered mortification.
Samantha accompanies Carrie as she walks Pete, bitching about the criticism she just got about her pubes. She snappishly says that her cabbie hookup isn't exactly one to talk, since she'd need a weed whacker just to find his dick...and says this really loud so that all the elderly Upper East Side ladies who are walking nearby can listen in on her raunch. Pete halts the walk to pinch out a loaf, and Samantha glares down at the pup with disgust and asks, "Why are you even walking this mongrel?" Carrie explains that she's doing it to prove to Aidan that she's loving and trustworthy [in lieu of any genuine affection for the poor dog] in order to worm her way back into "the nook". Samantha warns that she may never get back there, then is all, "Ew!" when Pete's poop starts coming out as diarrhea. She grumbles, "This is not my scene" and flees, leaving Carrie to crouch walk behind Pete with an open magazine as a means of capturing his runny poop. She somehow manages to diaper the poor pooch...then takes a cab to Aidan's furniture store, where she's vexed to find Aidan sitting out front, chatting it up with Shayna. She hauls Pete over to him, snaps, "Your dog got sick. I'm leaving!" and storms back to the cab. Aidan comes running over to ask whassup with her bitchitude and to explain that he's just taking a work break with Shayna, who just happened to stop by. Carrie haughtily retorts, "I diapered your dog!" as if it was some great sacrifice on her part, then asks him whassup with his flirtation with Shayna. He mumbles that they're just friends, so she snarks, "Then why don’t you just fuck her, then we can both be bad!" and takes off in the cab.
Later, Aidan drops by Carrie's apartment with a grim look on his face and assures her that nothing happened with Shayna - but admits to seriously contemplating it. Carrie invites him in, but he poutishly says, "I'm too pissed to come in" and adds that he hates the fact that Big calls her. She assures him that the writers are content to not repeat her cheating story arc a second time, but refuses to cut Big out of her life. She admits to making a horrible mistake by cheating on him, but insists that he can't keep punishing her and that he has to forgive her. She gets all teary and cries, "You have to forgive me...you have to forgive me..." and keeps repeating that phrase in a dramatically acted loop that goes on for what seems like a really looooong time. Aidan finally shuts her up by coming inside and hugging her.
Samantha chides her cabbie hookup for talking shit about her pubes, then calls out his thick ball of genital fur. He apologizes for his insensitivity and asks how he can make it up to her...then agrees to let Samantha shave his hairy genitals. In the next scene, he looks delighted at going bare down there 'cause of how much bigger his dick looks. Fantastic.
It's Charlotte's last day at the gallery...and she gets into a brief scrap with her replacement, then apologizes and explains that she's still a bit wigged out at transitioning to a life of unemployment. She takes one last look around, says, "I think I'm done", and struts out to pursue her new life's objectives:
Miranda, meanwhile, calls her secretary (or whoever) to push back her meetings 'cause she's not quite fully recovered from her neck injury - even though she's no longer wearing the neck brace and is lounging on the couch watching TV. Carrie voice-overs, "She'd have to go back eventually, just to prove Charlotte wrong" Well...that and to continue making a living, since she's not the one who's married to a rich doctor who's willing to pick up the tab for her life of sloth.
And while Carrie and Aidan were not quite back where they were pre-shitty affair, they were in a more honest place. We then see the two cuddling in bed, with Carrie having successfully wormed her way back into the nook.
Why, Aidan? Whyyyyyyy??
Recap: Carrie is staring at her phone, trying to muster the courage to call Aidan. Eventually she forces herself to dial his number...but then hangs up when his answering machine kicks in.
In the next scene, Carrie attends an African dancercise class with Charlotte, looking ridic in a head kerchief and dorky glasses. As she makes a half-hearted effort to follow along with the dance moves, she tells Charlotte she's been faux calling Aidan, then asks her to keep it on the down-low 'cause she's kind of embarrassed by her immature behavior, as well she should be.
At drinks that evening, Charlotte orders Carrie to tell Miranda and Samantha what she admitted to her during the African dancercise class...and Carrie chides her for blabbing what she told her in confidence, then confesses to wanting Aidan back. Miranda warns her to be prepared for Aidan not wanting to hear her half-assed apology, while Samantha calls Aidan granola and makes an ew face as she adds, "Soooo not you." Charlotte, however, thinks Aidan's the perfect guy 'cause he once stripped Carrie's floors and is generally a handy man's man to have around. Miranda suggests a safe approach in her attempt to rekindle their relationship, such as email...while Samantha giddily suggests she show up at Aidan's furniture store wearing a set of prosthetic nipples, then holds up a pair she just happens to be toting around and excitedly pronounces, "Nipples are huge right now!" Miranda looks intrigued and says she'd like to test them out with the men in their immediate orbit. She discreetly slips them on, wanders around the bar with her tiny chest thrust out, and looks pleasantly surprised when men start to ogle her. Samantha looks put out by the attention Miranda (and not she) is getting and grumbles, "I want my nipples back!"
Miranda is at Central Park, training for an upcoming marathon in the slowish "ten minute mile group". She initiates flirty banter with a cute guy and saucily asks him why he's in such a slow group, so he explains that he's still recovering from knee surgery. He suggests they get together to train during the week, and Miranda chirps, "Sure!" but remains uncertain if he's just into getting some extra training, or is interested in her in a let's jump in the sack type way.
As the MacDougal apartment undergoes Phase I of its redecorating transformation, Trey compliments Charlotte for her choice of wallpaper in the dining room. The two then move into the next room on their redo list: the study. Charlotte points out that it's right off the bedroom, then asks him what he thinks they should do with it...and Trey gets a faraway look on his face and suggests turning it into a nursery. Charlotte pretends to be unexpectedly delighted by the answer she was secretly hoping would come out of his mouth, and the two start hugging and smooching.
Samantha's hookup du jour is a Harvard MBA named Warren, and he's barking at someone on his cell phone while staring at Samantha's prosthetically enhanced nipples. He abruptly ends his call, and then he and Samantha start grinding against each other in earnest.
Carrie is in her apartment, agonizing about what to write to Aidan on her newly created AOL account. She finally decides on I miss you, hits send, then squeals like an overexcited schoolgirl.
Samantha is dismayed when Warren demonstrates a penchant for slipping into some strange sounding baby talk during sex.
While out shopping, Samantha commiserates to Carrie and Charlotte about Warren's baby talk, and they're all, "Ewww!" and concur that it is, indeed, strange behavior from a grown man. Charlotte checks out a rack of baby clothes and breaks the news to the gals that she and Trey have decided to try for a baby. Samantha stares at her in bewilderment and goes, "Why??" - LOL - and Carrie reminds Charlotte that she just formally reconciled with her prissy husband just two short episodes ago. Charlotte doesn't want to wait any longer to have a baby 'cause she's getting a bit long in the tooth to conceive, then ambles off to browse more baby clothes. While she's doing that, she runs into an old friend named Tricia, who's a married mother of three. After the two catch up, Charlotte invites Tricia and her brood to her Park Avenue penthouse for a small dinner party.
In the next scene, Charlotte informs Trey that she invited Tricia and her family over for dinner...and she tells him this as she's bouncing atop him in an overly frenetic fashion that doesn't look as though it would be remotely pleasurable for her. Trey replies, "Alrighty."
Thirty-six hours after sending Aidan the I miss you email, Carrie decides she can't wait another minute to call the poor sod and ask whassup with him not sending her a reply. When she starts prattling into the phone as soon as he answers, he scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "Who is this?" - bwahaha!! - so Carrie identifies herself and natters about the ignored email, which apparently he deleted 'cause he assumed it was junk mail. She asks him if he'd be interested in getting together for a group night thing with herself, Steve, and Miranda, and he murmurs, "Yeah, yeah...sounds good" but doesn't look particularly enthused about the idea.
After a marathon training session, Miranda is in the sack with Marathon Man, 'cause heaven forbid she spend more than five minutes getting to know him on a human level. He peels off her running clothes and licks her sweaty back...then for some reason decides to dip his tongue inside her anus.
Carrie asks Miranda if she got her email about going on a group date, and Miranda grumpily says she's not interested in going on any kind of date with Steve. Carrie explains that he's only there to serve as an airbag while she tries to insidiously worm her way back into Aidan's life...but Miranda is concerned about Steve getting the wrong idea, 'cause at the moment she's intrigued by the anus licking she's receiving from her current hookup. She asks the gals if it's a normal type thing for guys to be doing...so Samantha says she's definitely game for whenever a guy isn't grossed out by the idea of tonguing her butthole, and Charlotte tells her that Trey likes to do it, then demurely bats her doe eyes and adds, "We're married." Samantha says there's been an upward trend in the number of men who have shown an interest in pleasuring a woman's anus, which makes Miranda regret cringing away from Marathon Man when he suddenly stuck his face in her ass crack. Samantha advises her to lean into it, which will give him a clear signal that it's a turn on for her - but doesn't recommend ever reciprocating, 'cause ew.
Charlotte and Trey are hosting dinner for Tricia, Cliff, and their three children...and things quickly turn awkward when Tricia and Cliff start bickering about their bratty kids' behavior. Charlotte and Trey get so turned off by the idea of procreating that, at bedtime, they sleep with their backs facing each other, on opposite sides of the bed.
While on the group date, Carrie is nervously prattling about something or other...and Aidan attempts to chill her out by putting a calming hand on her hand. Incidentally, Aidan has decked himself out in a white blouse with some fancy sixties style embroidery across the front - and I'll assume that this wardrobe choice came from the crazed mind of Patricia Field, whose aesthetic sensibilities the Sex and the City producers have repeatedly fallen all over themselves gushing about...and I'm just going to leave it at that. When Steve and Aidan double up on an impromptu bathroom visit, Carrie asks Miranda if she wouldn't mind leaving and taking Steve with her so that she can get some alone time with Aidan.
Carrie walks Aidan to his building, then blurts out that she wants to get back together. He blurts out an expletive in response - bwahaha!! - and says he was afraid she might suggest that, and that he'd really prefer to keep things platonic [or, better yet, non-existent]. Carrie stares at him in befuddlement and says she read waaaay too much into the way he put his hand atop hers in the restaurant, so he explains that he was merely trying to ease her obvious discomfort 'cause she seemed so nervous, the way she was prattling on and on. Carrie moans about how stupid she feels - as well she should - then gets a really awkward looking cheek bone kiss from Aidan.
Carrie rushes home and places a desperate call to Miranda to discuss Aidan's non-interest in reviving their shitty relationship, and says she wants to go back to his apartment for another forcible discussion of the matter...but Miranda cuts her off and complains that Steve tried to kiss her after they left the restaurant. Carrie glances at her computer, notices that Aidan is online, and is all, "Ack!" and asks Miranda if he can somehow spy on her through his computer screen. Miranda advises the dimwit to pace herself and just send Aidan another email, but Carrie vetoes that sensible advice and says she's going back to his place to make a giant arse of herself 'cause she's pretty sure that Aidan's mouth was saying no while his blouse bedecked body was saying yes.
Carrie arrives at Aidan's building and throws pebbles at his apartment window. A few minutes later, his light comes on and he pokes his head out to see whassup...and when he sees it's Carrie, he puts on his white blouse (OMFG) and rushes downstairs. Carrie tells him she's pretty sure there's still a scrap of affection between them - but he disagrees and says they had a nice time on the group date and would like to leave it at that. Carrie insists that she's a totes different person than the cigarette puffing, cheating slutbag she was in Season 3...then fishes out the pack of cigarettes from her purse, dramatically throws them onto the street, and says that all of her bad habits are gone. Though, if her smoking habit was truly gone, she probably wouldn't have had the pack of cigarettes in her purse in the first place. She starts nattering about how much hotter he is now than he was last season and how much she misses him - and when he can take her shrill voice no more, he screeches, "You broke my heart!!" Bwahahahaha!! Carrie's horsey face contorts in an expression of stricken mortification, and she scampers down the street in her stupid high heels.
Samantha decides that she can no longer tolerate Warren's baby talk during their romps, so she tells him that while he's a good solid fuck, it wigs her out whenever he refers to her breasts as "titty-witties". A mortified Warren responds by climbing off the bed and stalking into the bathroom. Samantha knocks on the door and tells him they can discuss this like adults - but Warren gets dressed, tells her he has an early day tomorrow, and leaves, never to be seen on Sex and the City again.
Trey has jumped the gun on baby making for the second time this episode by getting a silver rattle engraved, and arranging for it to be delivered to the apartment. Charlotte sits up in bed and clutches it lovingly, but reminds her sissy husband that they pretty much stopped doinking ever since the disastrous dinner party with Tricia, Cliff, and their repugnant spawn. They decide to take safeguards, such as stopping at one child, and ensuring that their son or daughter will be different than every other bratty kid on the planet. That settled, the two get into some heavy smooching action.
Miranda is in the sack with Marathon Man again...and apparently he pleasured her so thoroughly that she offers to repay the favor by giving him a massage. As she sits behind him, he angles his butt so that it's inches from her face, which...subtle, dude. Miranda stares at it in horror and finally cries, "I don't want to do that!" and Marathon Man gets irked and admonishes her for not making her ass aversion clear before she started talking into it...and I have no idea what in the hell that's supposed to mean.
Carrie is laying in bed, looking despondent, when she hears pebbles being thrown against her window. She leaps up and sees Aidan standing in front of her building...and the two stare hungrily at each other before the camera goes into slo-mo mode as Aidan runs up the front steps and Carrie runs over to her door to unlock it. A few seconds later, Aidan bursts into her apartment, still in slo-mo, and the two start going at it. Ugh.
After the unspeakable has happened, Aidan asks Carrie if she's trying to make up for the past and/or relieve her conscience, but she says no...and that she really truly wants to be his girlfriend again. He kisses her forehead, says he needs to mull over that disturbing prospect, and heads home.
Miranda is at another marathon training session, and pushes herself hard enough to make it into the "nine minute mile group" so that she won't have to spend anymore time in the company of the grumpy anus licker.
Aidan stands in front of Carrie's building and shouts up at her window...and when she pops her head out to see whassup, he says, "OK, let's give it a shot." Nooooooo!!! He then tells her he's taking Pete for a walk and invites her along, and she eagerly accepts, tells him she'll be right down, then rushes around her apartment to get ready. Ugh and double ugh.
Recap: Miranda runs into Steve and his dog Scout while she's exiting a coffee shop. Steve gushes about how great she's looking, then excitedly says he has big news and that he just sent out the invitations. Miranda eyes him warily, afraid he's about to announce his impending nuptials to a woman who's likely treating him a whole lot nicer than she did while they were together - then breathes a sigh of relief when he tells her he's opening his own bar and that he'd like her to come to the grand opening. Miranda congratulates him - just as his girlfriend Jessica (who we met in the Season 3 finale) appears out of nowhere and chirps, "We'd love to see you there!"
Miranda calls Carrie from her office to grumble about how Jessica "we'd" Steve right in front of her. She's also annoyed that Steve was never ambitious while they were a couple, and that it's doubly annoying 'cause she was always harping on him to open his own bar. Carrie suggests that perhaps her constant nagging to be all that he could be inspired him to name the new bar after her, but Miranda glumly says he named it Scout, after his dog. [LOL. As an insane dog lover, I applaud this excellent decision.] Carrie urges her to suck it up and attend the opening...and Miranda says she'll consider it, but only if she agrees to go with her.
At the next brunch, Carrie slaps down her Scout invitation on the table and snaps, "Not going!" 'cause the invitation lists Aidan as the bar's co-owner. While Samantha studies the invitation in stunned silence, Carrie scrunches her face in misery and wails, "How did this happpppen? Why are they even friennnnnds?" so Miranda informs her that, according to Jessica - who answered the phone while Steve was in the shower - Aidan is Steve's silent partner. Carrie whines that the bar opening is going to be a sad parade of hers and Miranda's failed relationships - though I'd interpret the bonding of Aidan and Steve as more of a shameful statement of how cuntily Carrie and Miranda treated them before giving them the dumperoo. Miranda points out that Aidan has obviously forgiven her for repeatedly screwing around on him with her married ex and is now somehow OK with being friends. Samantha says she'd like to attend the opening - but not with the ol' ball and chain (Maria) who only ever wants to take long baths and talk about their feelings. How relationshippy!
That evening, Samantha goes out on the town with Maria, who grumbles about how she'd much rather stay in and enjoy a relaxing soak. Samantha runs into various men she's hit the sheets with...and a particularly horny looking one - Shawn - asks her what she's doing Saturday night. Maria interjects and gruffly tells him they have plans that night, so Shawn leans toward Samantha and tells her he'll call soon. After he ambles off, the bartender brings them free drinks and suggestively informs Samantha that he gets off work at 4:00am.
Charlotte is waiting for Trey at a furniture store when - ack! - Bunny appears out of nowhere. She says that when Trey told her they were shopping for a new bed, she figured she'd need to stick her nose into that situation to ensure that they buy a bed which meets with her approval. She starts nattering about the importance of a firm mattress and a high quality dust ruffle - but Charlotte points out that the modern type beds don't actually need dust ruffles. Bunny looks aghast at the notion of a dust ruffle-less bed and and snootily decrees, "It's unsightly" then sits on one of the beds to test its firmness and calls it divine. When Trey arrives, Bunny urges him to try it out by laying next to her...and he dutifully complies and agrees that, yep, it's comfy alrighty. The two urge Charlotte to also test out the bed, and when she reluctantly stretches out next to Trey, he lets out a happy sigh and coos, "This is heaven" ... which prompts an icked out Charlotte to spring up from the bed and stare down at her weird husband with disgust. Bunny not-so-subtly sticks it to Charlotte by reminding Trey about the importance of a dust ruffle, and he nods and amiably replies, "You know best."
Miranda is in bed with her cat Fatty when the two hear creaking noises coming from the apartment above them...and Miranda glances around looking freaked out.
The next day, Miranda tells the gals about her ghostly visitation, and Carrie breezily suggests that the person who lives above her was probably creeping around in the middle of the night. Miranda says she thought so too, but when she inquired with the building manager she found out that the unit directly above hers is vacant - plus, she sensed the presence of a ghost. Samantha advises her to address the ghost, release it to the heavens, and hope to hell it doesn't turn out to be a poltergeist.
Carrie sits in her apartment, puffs on a cigarette, and types up her column. She pronounces New York City to be haunted 'cause of how inevitable it's going to be for her to run into the boyfriend she cheated on with her married ex last season, which led to the breakup of that marriage. She voice-overs that receiving the invitation to Scout has suddenly brought Aidan back into her life (though not exactly), then asks her readership to chew on the following: when a relationship dies, do we ever really give up the ghost, or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past? Let's see, Carrie...if a person treats someone in the stone-cold, shitty way you treated Aidan in Season 3, then yeah, you probably deserve to be forever haunted for your self-indulgent behavior.
The lesbians are enjoying yet another soak in the bathtub when Maria asks Samantha why she didn't get introduced to Shawn, and Samantha shrugs and says he's just a guy she used to fuck...and ditto for the bartender who gave them free drinks. Maria gets irked at Samantha for not telling these men she's with someone now, so Samantha jokingly asks if she should make a formal declaration to all of her past and future hookups about "being done with dick". Maria coos, "Oooh, do you miss the dick?" then suggests they cuddle together amid a dozen lit candles and thoroughly discuss the conundrum. Samantha says she's all talked out with her on every subject, then leans in for some lesbian sex action - but Maria snaps at her to not always use sex to connect with her. Annoyed at being rebuffed, Samantha snaps, "I think I'm clean now" and abruptly climbs out of the tub.
Charlotte wanders into the bedroom clutching a wooden mallard and asks Trey if Bunny is the one responsible for the apartment's grisly decor. Trey's like, "Well duh" and says that his mother decorates all their homes...and Charlotte makes an ew face and wails about how it feels as though they live in "the museum of natural ugliness". Trey says his mother spent a lot of time and money on all the duck decoys and plaid wallpaper, but Charlotte reminds him that she's his wife and that she plans to have a chat with Bunny about her need to redecorate. Trey says that things might run smoother if he talks to Bunny, and promises to [half-heartedly] make it clear that her [hideous] interior design choices are going to have to go.
The next morning, Trey wakes up with a bad cold...which means that his decor discussion with Bunny is temporarily on hold. Bunny, who has rushed right over upon hearing of Trey's congestion, announces to Charlotte that she'll be staying in their guest room until her mama's boy has fully recovered.
Carrie drops by Scout with a housewarming plant. She runs into Steve and explains that she came by for a sneak peek and also to thank Aidan for inviting her to the opening. Steve sheepishly confesses that it was him (and not Aidan) who sent her the invitation, and that he only did it 'cause he figured Miranda would be more comfortable if she had a friend to attend the opening with her. When Aidan suddenly calls out to Steve from the back room of the bar, Carrie's all, "Ack!" and flees before he sees her there.
At bedtime, Miranda hears the ceiling above her creaking again, and she gets so freaked out that she calls Carrie to keep her company while they ghost watch. In the next scene, Carrie arrives with a bag of Oreos.
Bunny creeps into the master bedroom in the middle of the night to rub cold medicine on Trey's chest. Charlotte wakes up and is all, "Wha-a?" then grabs the bottle from Bunny, snarks at her for being inappropriate, and haughtily says that she should be the one rubbing Vicks on her husband's chest. Bunny looks insulted and starts to stalk off, so Charlotte half-heartedly apologizes - but makes it clear to her meddling mother-in-law that this is their home, and that they're going to redecorate it as they see fit. (Er...OK, but I thought she just agreed to let Trey discuss the issue of redecoration with his mother??) Bunny smugly reminds Charlotte that she's been in this house far longer, never left for a trial separation (as Charlotte did), weirdly threatens, "I'm going to be here forever" and then wanders off. That was kind of nonsensical. Since Bunny doesn't actually live in the apartment, wouldn't she consider her Connecticut estate the home she'll "be in forever"?
Samantha and Maria are fast asleep when Shawn starts pounding on the door for a late night booty call. Samantha sleepily answers the door and tells him he can't be here...and a few seconds later, Maria appears next to her and introduces herself to Shawn as Samantha's girlfriend. Shawn perks up and compliments Samantha on her newly uncovered lesbianism, then suggests he come in for "a sandwich or something". Samantha tells him that tonight isn't going to work for them - them meaning Maria, 'cause no doubt she'd be up for an impromptu doink - then shuts the door and apologizes to Maria for the unexpected intrusion. When Shawn raps on the door again, Maria yells at him to go away and threatens to call the cops...then directs her wrath onto Samantha for her history of indulging horny men to come to her door in the middle of the night. An irritated Samantha reminds her that she used to have sex with men before entering into this dismal relationship, then screeches, "The talking in our relationship has replaced the fucking in our fucking relationship!" She whines about how she wants passion and fireworks, and Maria takes this to mean that Samantha wants her to flail her arms about, shriek angrily, and start smashing dishes all over the kitchen floor.
Carrie wakes up in Miranda's bed after comforting her through the scary ghost visitation. Carrie remarks on how amazing Scout looked when she dropped by, and Miranda says she's doing her best to be happy for Steve and his exciting new life...even though she's kinda depressed that she's stuck in her rut of working at the same firm and jumping into the sack with every Doug, Dave, and hot police detective she meets. She then urges Carrie to attend the opening of Scout, and points out that Steve wouldn't have invited her if he didn't think Aidan would be totes OK with it. Carrie mulls that over as she munches the last Oreo.
Trey wakes up feeling better...and he and Charlotte engage in some sexy foreplay just as Bunny bursts into the room with a basket of muffins. She gasps at the sight of Charlotte riding her son and beats a hasty retreat, shaking her head all flustered like and muttering unintelligibly.
Two days after the dish smashing incident, a sheepish looking Maria drops by Samantha's loft with a gift. Samantha wryly jokes that it better be dishes...then opens the box and is delighted to find a strap-on. She mulls over the prospect of one last romp with the volatile lesbian and says, "I guess we could give it a try."
Carrie, Miranda, and Samantha arrive at the opening of Scout. Carrie instructs them to be on the lookout for Aidan...and when Samantha maneuvers around in a weird, robotic looking way, Carrie asks whassup with her stiffness. Samantha explains that she threw her back out while doinking Maria with a strap-on...then says that they broke up 'cause the writers wanted her to get back to her normal regimen of bumping uglies with every man she happens to rub up against in the street. Carrie voice-overs that she suddenly felt a ghostly presence, and then turns around and sees Aidan standing across the bar, looking hot with a more muscular form and a short new 'do. She cocks her head at him coquettishly and mouths hi, and he gives her what looks like a slow head bow...to which she retorts, "That's all I get?" Samantha and Miranda eye him appreciatively and remark on how much better Season 4 Aidan looks compared to the paunchy, scraggly haired mess he was in Season 3. Miranda, meanwhile, runs into Steve and congratulates him on the opening of the bar, and he credits her for being his inspiration and says he never could have done it without her incessant bitching about his lack of ambition - I mean encouragement.
An hour later, Carrie slips out the side door to puff on a cigarette and eat a slice of cake...and she's startled to find Aidan there, smoking a cigar. As she awkwardly balances her a plate, she drops her fork...and Aidan grabs her cake and takes a bite, then saucily asks her if she wants it. She cleverly replies, "I never not wanted it" so he feeds her a piece, which...blech, Aidan. Steve pops his head out the side door to tell Aidan that it's time for their toast, and Aidan tells Carrie it was nice seeing her again, heads toward the door, then turns around and says, "See ya, Carrie." She stares longingly after him and voice-overs that she suddenly felt more haunted than ever 'cause of the non-ghostly, very real feelings she realizes she still has for him.
Recap: Carrie is on her second date with Ray King, a frenetic jazz musician who resides in Queens. The two have just been to three jazz clubs, and yet Ray still can't seem to shut up about how much he looooooves jazz...and flits about the apartment as he puts a vinyl jazz record on his turntable while grooving to the non-beat. Carrie says that this is probably as good a time as any to tell him she can't stand jazz 'cause of how screechy and "all over the place" it is. I would tend to agree. Ray pretends to collapse at the shock of someone not liking the kind of music he's obsessed with, and urges Carrie to do her best to appreciate jazz for what it is. Carrie glances around the apartment and remarks on all the instruments he has laying around, so he explains that his attention span is so short that he can only handle playing a few notes on one instrument before moving onto the next. Yikes. Carrie completely ignores that weird red flag as he looms behind her as if she's a giant cello and suggestively offers to "play" her...and the two start going at it in earnest.
While having drinks the next evening, Miranda asks Carrie what she did last night, and Carrie says she listened to jazz...then blushes and starts giggling like a schoolgirl. The puzzled gals ask her why that's funny, so she explains that while she was riding Ray's baloney pony she experienced the most earth-shattering orgasm in the history of earth-shattering orgasms. Samantha clutches her chest and gushes about how awesome that is, while Miranda wryly retorts, "That's nice. I did my laundry." Carrie muses about how odd it is that her clitoris reacted like that, since usually she has to know the guy for more than ten minutes to enjoy such a high level of orgasmic pleasure. Charlotte giddily suggests that maybe Ray is the one - but Carrie thinks it's far more likely that the super satisfying orgasm was some kind of a fluke, but then saucily adds, "I'm going back tomorrow night to find out for sure." Miranda, meanwhile, reports that she's launched a sex strike until conditions improve, then wails about how she'd rather sit home alone than go out on dates with the shitty caliber type men she tends to attract. After that, Samantha turns the focus on herself as she breaks the news that she's currently dating someone...and by someone she means Maria, the Brazilian artist she met during the previous episode. The other three stare at her in bewilderment and are all, "Wha-a-a?" so Samantha proudly declares, "Yes ladies. I'm a lesbian." She then promptly asks them to please get those WTF? expressions off of their faces asap 'cause Maria has just entered the bar and is on her way over to their table.
Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte are ambling along the street, dishing about Samantha's out-of-left-field lesbianism that seems suspiciously like a story arc the writers wanted to check off before the series concludes its six season course. Charlotte jokes (sort of) that since Samantha has worked her way sexually through every man in the tri-state area, she's had no choice but to direct her rabid sex cravings toward the female population. Carrie says she's kinda miffed 'cause she was supposed to be the one with the big news tonight, then grumbles about how Samantha managed to upsex her.
Charlotte and Trey are standing in their bedroom, staring ominously at the bed on which Trey's dick has had a limp track record. He gives Charlotte a long smooch...and a few seconds later, the two fall atop the bed in slo-mo and start going at it.
Miranda is at a bakery, staring hungrily at a chocolate eclair. In the next scene, she's in her living room, scarfing down the eclair while watching The Daily Show...which made me sad 'cause damn it I really miss Jon Stewart being on the air.
Charlotte and Trey are enjoying some post-coital canoodling...and Trey is basking in the joy of being able to get it up, pretty much on command now. Charlotte breathes a sigh of relief that they're able to doink like regular couples do...and we learn from Carrie's voice-over that she's now directing all of her anxiety towards hoping that Trey will invite her to move back into the apartment. But of course, when Trey comes right out and asks her what she's thinking, she just smiles passively and hopes he's able to mind-read...but Trey hornily suggests they enjoy another romp.
Samantha calls Carrie while she's getting dressed for her date with Ray and asks her if she and the other gals were dishing about her behind her back the other night. Carrie's like, "Well d'yuh" and says she totally caught them off guard with her I'm suddenly gay announcement - and Samantha gets all defensive, then gushes about how she wants her first time with Maria to be special, blah blah...just as Ray arrives at Carrie's apartment with a bottle of bourbon. He tells her he wants to drink bourbon and go down on her - or go down on her and then drink bourbon - and the two start making out. Somehow Samantha fails to get a clue that Carrie is barely engaged in their conversation anymore and is still on the other end of the line, prattling about her sudden foray into lesbianism. For some equally inane reason, Carrie doesn't just end the call so that she can focus 100% of her attention on her imminent cunnilingus situation.
The next day, Carrie sits at her desk and puffs on her cigarette while pondering the irony of Samantha having a relationship without sex, while she's having sex without a relationship. She wonders which of their hookups will have a better shot of survival (my guess is that neither 'multi-night stand' will survive past the next episode) and "can't help but wonder" what comes first, the chicken or the sex? Considering it's this show, I'm going to go with the sex comes first...second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on.
Later that night, Carrie makes it her mission to "catch the relationship up to the sex" and try to get to know Ray on a human level, which she might have accomplished by not jumping in the sack with him on their second date. She makes a half-hearted effort to ask him where he grew up...but when he remains mute and starts tonguing her, she throws in the towel on anything deeper than experiencing another mind-blowing orgasm.
Samantha and Maria are canoodling amid lit candles and feeding each other strawberries. Samantha brags about all the rave reviews she's received from various men she's been boned by...but a few seconds into some clitoris action, she gets the tap from Maria, who tells her, "It's not really working for me." She tells Samantha that she needs to make more of an effort to connect...and by connect, she'd like Samantha to put her face right up to her muff and stare thoughtfully at it.
Miranda is at the bakery again, salivating over another chocolate cake...but when she learns it costs $70, she's like, "Never mind" and heads to the nearest grocery store to buy a box of Duncan Hines cake mix.
As Carrie experiences another mind blowing orgasm, Miranda is nibbling at her newly baked chocolate cake, while Samantha is staring with intense fascination at Maria's muff and is all, "Hmm...interesting."
At the next brunch summit, Charlotte complains to Carrie and Miranda that Trey hasn't asked her to move back in yet - despite the fact that they've been having sex everywhere - and that she's reluctant to bring up the topic for fear of scaring the penis. Carrie's like, "OK, whatever" and warns the gals that Samantha is a bit miffed that they don't seem to be taking her relationship with Maria seriously enough and tells them they need to pretend to be at least quasi-supportive of her latest hookup. A few seconds later, Samantha enters the diner, looking especially chipper. Charlotte dutifully obeys Carrie's decree and asks Samantha how her new relationship with Maria is going...but when Samantha goes into grisly detail about how engorged vaginas get during arousal and describes the three holes that they all "have down there", Charlotte begs her to stop talking. Samantha holds up her hands, wiggles her fingers, and cackles about how Maria "has ten dicks" - and that she's getting quite the education about all of the intricacies of the female genitalia.
When Carrie arrives at Ray's apartment, he's blending margaritas with no shirt on. Carrie holds up a small shopping bag and tells him she just bought her first jazz CD - and Ray suddenly goes ape-shit cuckoo and grabs it from her, tells her she has to hear the album for the first time on vinyl, then rushes over to his record collection to locate it. An irked Carrie tells him to stop, sit, and try to talk calmly for awhile...but Ray remains frenetic and continues to babble incoherently while he puts the vinyl record onto his turntable. As Carrie studies him for a few seconds, she voice-overs that it suddenly occurred to her that he wasn't so much spontaneous and unpredictable as he was someone who suffers from ADD...which, in turn, means she's probably not going to be able to have any kind of meaningful relationship with him. Before officially ending their hookup, she decides to enjoy one last mind-blowing romp and seductively says, "Ray, wanna play me?" and he perks up, looks totally into it, and rushes over to where she's standing and pretends again that she's a giant cello.
As Trey and Charlotte canoodle in bed together, Trey waxes on and on about his penis, and how much he'd appreciate it if Charlotte would measure his erection with a ruler. Charlotte shoots him the stink-eye and snaps that she's taking a shower now...and as the water runs over her, she gets angrier and angrier about his one-track horniness. She storms out of the shower without even fully rinsing the shampoo out of her hair and yells at Trey about how tired she is of being married to his penis, and that she's been [passively] waiting for him to invite her to move back into his apartment [instead of just taking the bull by the horns and bringing up the topic herself]. When he just stares back at her in stunned silence so that he can drag out this contrived conflict closer to the end of this episode, she tearfully announces that she's going home.
Miranda is so fed up with herself for bingeing on chocolate cake that she throws it in the trash can...but then returns to the kitchen a few seconds later to reach into the trash can to scarf down another piece. Looking shameful, she dials Carrie's number and reports to her answering machine that she's suffering from an addiction to chocolate cake...then pours dish soap atop the cake inside the trash can to avoid any further temptation.
In the next scene, Miranda finally twigs onto the fact that she's been using chocolate as a substitute for sex...so she pulls out her vibrator for a little self pleasuring.
Samantha achieves the holy grail of lesbian sex: the female ejaculation. Maria stares dreamily into space at the expert pleasuring while Samantha smugly smirks.
Ray canoodles with Carrie in bed before slipping away to get some water. Carrie decides she's just going to just appreciate Ray for what he can offer: mind-blowing sex. She suddenly hears the sound of an instrument playing...and when she gets out of bed and tiptoes around, she finds a naked Ray sitting cross-legged on a chair and strumming a banjo - and something about the way he's doing that reminded me of Kermit the Frog in The Muppet Movie when he performed The Rainbow Connection. Carrie stares at him in bewilderment and voice-overs that it looks like he'd gotten tired of "playing" her and moved on to another instrument.
The next morning, Trey stops by Charlotte's apartment to drop off her wedding ring, which she "accidentally" left at his place. He then formally invites her to move back in with him, and wants her to get rid of her apartment so they can live together as husband and wife. Until the inevitable divorce. Charlotte beams happily as he slides the ring onto her finger.
Carrie is tottering around Queens in her stilettos, voice-overing about how she's decided to revert back to her original position of disliking jazz...and informs viewers that she broke things off with ADD Ray after three satisfying doinks. Presumably so that she can be free to pursue Aidan again - who makes his Season 4 reappearance in the next episode. Nooooo, Aidan!! Runnnnnn!!
Recap: Carrie and Big are out on the town together at Monkey Bar, exchanging annoying repartee and looking like a full-on couple again...which, blech.
And speaking of two blechy people who are looking like a full-on couple again..
Charlotte and Kyle are at a fancy house party looking very cozy...which I found odd, since last we heard (during the season premiere), Charlotte barked at Kyle to not call her until she figured out whether or not she wanted to trudge ahead with this dull-as-fuck marriage. Kyle compliments Charlotte's firm derriere, but she urges him to keep his over-excited penis under control until they get to his place...and Trey responds by pulling her into the nearest bedroom and shutting the door so the two can start getting it on atop the hosts' bed. Classy.
Big drops Carrie off at her apartment and offers to walk her to her door...and makes the offer while suggestively moving his eyebrows up and down. Carrie firmly declines his suggestion of hanky panky, says goodnight, and goes inside.
At brunch the next day, Charlotte asks the gigolas if they've ever had sex in a restaurant bathroom...and naturally they have all done that at one time or another, as well as in various other public places. Charlotte cackles about how she and Trey have been bumping uglies everywhere they go...but is troubled about it 'cause they haven't officially reconciled (and not 'cause of how traumatic it would be for hapless passersby to stumble upon them in mid-doink). Samantha waves a dismissive hand in the air and tells her to just enjoy the illicit sex and not try to put a label on it. Carrie changes the subject and tells the gals she went to Monkey Bar with Big last night...and when everyone falls silent at the grisly prospect of Carrie starting up her obnoxious Big Fixation again, she assures them that they're merely enjoying each other's company in the platonic sense. Miranda reminds her that she has no sense...or sense of boundaries when it comes to that arsehole, and Carrie snarks at her to lay off the boundaries talk and declares that she's not considering sleeping with Big anytime soon...and hallelujah for that.
Carrie returns to her hovel to ponder the blurring of the lines between friendship and sex, then starts tapping out some superfluous nonsense on her laptop about "what really defines a relationship".
Miranda is in bed with her latest hookup: Doug, a bespectacled cartoonist who works for the New Yorker. In the next scene, she's brushing her teeth in the bathroom when Doug lumbers in and pees right in front of her. She stares at him looking icked out...but when he glances over at her, she pretends she's totes comfortable with watching him urinate a couple of feet away from her.
Miranda tells the gals about Doug's uninhibited urination as they mill around Charlotte's gallery for the opening of a Brazilian artist named Maria. Samantha is admiring one of the paintings when Maria approaches her and introduces herself. Samantha tells her she's miffed that all of her pieces appear to be sold...so Maria invites her to come by her loft sometime to take a look at the pieces she has there. Samantha says she's game, then asks her why there aren't any hot guys at her opening...and suddenly a woman comes over, tenderly kisses Maria on the lips, and calls her art stunning. After she saunters off, Maria explains to Samantha that the woman's her ex...and that since she's a lesbian, no heterosexual men were deemed necessary to attend her art opening.
The next evening, Carrie and Big are slumming it at a jazz club in the East Village. Carrie and the attractive musician on stage lock eyes and start ogling each other...and when Big heads over to the bar for more drinks, the musician uses the opportunity to quickly hand her a note: is that oaf you're with your boyfriend? Carrie smilingly shakes her head no, and the musician looks intrigued.
After the set, the musician saunters over to introduce himself (Ray King) and flirtily banter with Carrie while Big refuses to take a hint and continues to just stand there and brazenly eavesdrop. Carrie announces that she needs to get going, so Big offers to call his car service - but Ray suggests they split a cab...and Big somehow assumes that Ray is including him in the they part of that sentence and toddles along. As the three sit scrunched together in the back of the cab, Big mutters, "Cabs are bullshit" while Ray does his best to ignore him and asks for Carrie's phone number. She fishes for a pen in her purse...and when she can't find one, Big mutely hands her his. When the cab pulls up at her brownstone, both Carrie and Big exit the cab...and Carrie admonishes him for getting out with her 'cause she's afraid that Ray is going to get the wrong idea. She says they should figure out what they're doing with their platonic get togethers, then climbs up the front steps while Big mocks Ray's jazz playing 'cause in this episode he suddenly has the emotional maturity of a ten year old.
Later that night, Carrie gets a call from Ray, who plays jazz music into her phone...then also gets a call on the other line from Big, who has called for no other reason than to make fun of Ray's jazz playing again. Carrie hangs up on Big and returns to Ray's call, and he asks her out for Saturday night but specifies, "Don't bring the angry guy." After that, Big calls again to ask Carrie what she could possibly see in Ray and she snaps, "He knows how to say goodbye" and slams the phone down.
Miranda decides to loosen up and take a page out of Doug's book...and sits on the toilet with the bathroom door wide open. While she's urinating, Doug wanders into the bathroom, loudly blows his nose, and asks her if she has any bagels. She replies to him in a very strained sounding voice...then throws in the towel on implementing an 'open door peeing policy' and goes back to peeing in private.
Samantha is at Maria's loft, being schooled in the art of creating Brazilian art. Maria explains that she always puts her guests to work creating masterpieces, then helps Samantha wash the paint off of her hands. While doing that, she stares longingly at Samantha...and Samantha gives her a wary glance and asks, "Do we need to talk about this?" then says she's tried "the girl thing" a few times - but at the end of the day she simply isn't a relationship person. She tells Maria she can only commit to being friends...and Maria jokes that that's fine, as long as she buys some of her art pieces.
The gigolas are out clothes shopping when they notice a hickey on Charlotte's neck. Charlotte blushes and says that she and Trey made out at the movies...and that she went down on him in the theater. She decides she's happy to not have to define their relationship...for the duration of this episode, anyway.
Later, Trey and Charlotte are going at it in the back of a cab. Charlotte suggests they go to his place and have sex in his bed like civilized people...but when he ignores her and continues to be all grab-handsy, she gets angry and storms out. And somehow the cab driver doesn't seem icked out enough by their public lewdness to order Trey to get the hell out of his cab.
Trey calls Charlotte later and sheepishly agrees to have sex in his bed...then asks her if they can still have sex in a cab as a special bonus doink. Charlotte smiles into space and says, "We'll see." Please don't. New York cab drivers have tough enough lives already.
Miranda gets up early to make coffee when Doug lumbers into the bathroom with the newspaper, plops himself onto the toilet and starts taking a loud, farty dump. Miranda glares at him in horrified disdain as he waves at her from the toilet - LOL - then storms down the hall and closes the bathroom door.
Carrie and Ray arrive at the opening of a fancy restaurant and run into Big and his date, a vapid young model who introduces herself as Shay (?) - pronounced Shaw 'cause apparently the y is silent. Samantha greets Carrie and Ray and ushers them over to her table...and for some reason Big and Shay follow and join them. Ray looks visibly miserable to be sitting at a crowded table with "the angry guy" and promptly excuses himself...and Carrie follows him to the bar a few seconds later. He tells her he has no desire to return to the table and calls it baaad, and Carrie tries to sound cool as she retorts, "Yeah maaan."
Back at the table, Shay excuses herself to powder [the inside of] her nose, and Samantha takes the opportunity to ask Big whaddup with all the airtime he's getting this episode, and if he and Carrie are really "just friends". She tells him that Carrie is her BFF and is fragile where he's concerned, then orders him to back the hell off. Big scrunches his face into a pouty expression and jokingly asks, "Can't we all just get along?" and Samantha excuses herself to take several dramatic breaths to compose herself. Maria follows her and gushes over how magnificent she was at "kicking ass" just now (??) then says she has too many feelings of unbridled passion for her to continue to be just friends. She points at the nearby bathroom and says she's going to go in there, and then be on her way. Samantha mulls that over, decides, "Why not mix it up and become a lesbian for the next two episodes?", and joins Maria in the bathroom where she plants a big smooch on her lips.
Carrie enters the bathroom and walks in on Shay snorting a line of coke. She's all, "Ack!" and is about to scoot back out when Shay tells her it's not necessary for her to run off. She tells Carrie that Big talks about her a lot then asks her if they used to go out, and Carrie mutters, "Something like that" and quietly slips out of the bathroom.
A glum looking Big informs Carrie that he and Shay are heading out now, and Carrie's like, "Whatever. There wasn't a point to the two of you being here in the first place."
Ray walks Carrie home and gabbles incessantly about jazz...how much he looooves jazz, and how he hears jazz in everyday noises. Carrie tries to feign interest in that for a few seconds, but finally admits that she doesn't know the first thing about jazz. And wishes he would stop waxing on endlessly about it. Oh wait - that was me, projecting. When the two arrive at her brownstone, they share a sultry kiss goodnight as Carrie voice-overs that she really likes this guy and that she's decided sometimes "what defines a relationship" is another relationship.
Recap: Carrie and Stanford are lounging by the bar of a happening nightclub, leering at prospects for Stanford, when Margaret Cho and her gay "boy friend" Damian make a beeline over to where they're sitting. Margaret Cho tells Carrie she really really wants her to be in the charity fashion show she's producing, and says it's going to feature a mix of professional models and "regular people with style". She wanks, "No one is more New York or has more style than you" which is such crazy talk considering the Madonna-trash get-up Carrie left the house in this evening: a black top with what appears to be a strapless white bra layered over top of it, accessorized by several rungs of junky pearls wrapped around her neck...and her mangy hair is twisted in a girlish looking ponytail with a thick black scrunchie thing. Carrie shakes her head in faux modesty and insists she's a writer (er...raunch columnist) not a model - but Margaret Cho refuses to take no for an answer and threatens to call her next week with all the details.
At brunch, Samantha says she's on an all-organic diet and admits she's having issues fully satisfying her hunger. Carrie says that whatever she's doing must agree with her 'cause she's looking very svelte these days. Samantha announces that she scheduled a nude photo shoot for herself, 'cause when she's old and saggy she wants to be able to look back and say, "Damn I was narcissistic" ... I mean hot. Carrie admires her for being "able to put it out there" since she can't even bring herself to commit to being in a charity fashion show...and Samantha perks up at the mention of the charity fashion show and tells her that all the top designers are taking part. Charlotte urges Carrie to do it and reminds her that she "lives for fashion" - at least that's the message the Sex and the City writers are constantly beating us over the head with. That and how DE-lighted these four are when they pretend to be independent career women who don't need men for anything other than sex, but then bitch and moan about being lonely whenever they're not in a relationship. Carrie argues that as a raunch columnist, not to mention a person who has zero taste, style, or class in general, she has absolutely no business strutting on a runway - but Charlotte points out that she has no compunction about strutting down Fifth Avenue in her unspeakable, bra-baring ensembles and stupid stilettos. Carrie whines about being judged and worries that people will think that she thinks she's model material. Samantha chides her for giving a shit about what people think and urges her to do the show.
At the gym, Miranda is looking sweaty and disheveled after an intense workout when she notices a dorky guy goofily smiling at her. He flirtily chastises her for breaking the gym's rules by working out longer than thirty minutes on the treadmill, so she explains that she's training for the marathon...and he's all, "Wow!" and introduces himself as Dave. She's like, "OK then, have a good workout" and he scrunches his face in disappointment and goes, "Is that it?" and tells her he's been ogling her for months and thinks she's extremely sexy, which results in looks of utter bafflement from Miranda and me.
Miranda calls Carrie to tell her about her gym admirer and how puzzling she and I both find it that a guy could possibly find her sexy in her sweaty workout garb.
Carrie sits in front of her laptop, puffing on a cigarette and pondering the mythology of Narcissus...and also why she and her friends are less judgey about each other's looks than they are about their own. Sounds like this week's installment of her shittastic column is set to be a real snorefest.
Samantha arrives on the set of her nude photo shoot, brusquely disrobes, and tells the bewildered photographer and his assistant that she has absolutely no need for them to play any background music to ease her into being photographed in her birthday suit.
Carrie asks Charlotte for help in setting up Stanford, so she calls up her sole gay friend and wedding planner: Anthony Marantino. When she offers up Stanford as a prospective blind date, he asks her who'd play him in the movie...and she stretches the truth by a few miles when she replies, "A young Ed Harris." Anthony perks up and mutters, "That's hot."
Miranda is wrapping up her first date with Dave. After he escorts her to her apartment, he calls her sexy again and the two get into some intense smooching action.
Margaret Cho calls Carrie to verbally bitch-slap her for not returning any of her calls, asks her if she's in or out of the charity fashion show, and adds that Dolce & Gabbana are totes interested in dressing her. Carrie perks up at the mention of Dolce & Gabbana and asks Margaret Cho if she knows whether or not she'd be able to keep the outfit...and the camera cuts away to the next scene, but we can safely assume that the answer is yes.
Carrie is trying on a form-fitting black and floral Dolce & Gabbana dress while a quirky platinum blonde stylist named Oscar oversees the operation. He asks Carrie to walk down the makeshift runway, then trot (!) back - just as an attractively disheveled photographer named Paul enters the room snapping some candid shots of Carrie. He explains that he's putting together a behind-the-scenes collection of photographs of Fashion Week...and after a few minutes of flirting, he invites Carrie out for a drink. Oscar decides that Carrie lacks the requisite height for the form-fitting dress, so he holds up a short dark blue glittery number and asks if she likeys it, and she excitedly squeals, "Me likey!"
Charlotte senses that something is off with her vajajay so she makes an appointment with a gynecologist to look into whassup. The doctor informs her that she has vulvodynia, tells her her vagina is depressed, and prescribes it an anti-depressant...'cause yep, that really sounds like a reasonable medical approach.
At lunch, Charlotte tells Carrie and Miranda about her depressed vagina and that her doctor ordered her to keep a vagina journal - I guess to unearth the source of its depression. After the obligatory jokes about what a journal entry from a vagina might sound like, Samantha rushes into the diner, apologizes for being late, and excitedly tells them she just picked up her nude contact sheets. She asks Charlotte to check them over and give her professional "art eye" opinion...so Charlotte takes a quick glance with the magnifier, immediately looks icked out, and prudishly tells Samantha she can see her everything. Samantha explains that she did a full frontal to warm up, but Charlotte is too appalled by the sight of her friend's magnified muff to offer her professional opinion. She says she's never even looked at hers that closely 'cause she thinks it's ugly, and Miranda wryly suggests that this is probably why her vajajay is so depressed.
Miranda has psyched herself up for her second date with Dave, and is brimming with over-confidence as the two hang in her apartment and drink wine. She lays it on thick about how much she looooooves her job, her friends, and her life...and when she closes her eyes and puckers her lips expectantly, Dave makes an ew face and takes a sip of wine. Ouch.
Samantha goes to a framing store to get one of her nudes framed. She proudly holds up the black and white photo of her naked backside with side boob peeking out and is clearly expecting the portly clerk to hornily gush over it...but he isn't remotely interested in feeding this grown woman's narcissism and just gives her an estimate of when he thinks the frame will be ready. An irked Samantha snaps, "Whatever" and storms off in a huff.
Paul is hanging with Carrie at her apartment...and she's looking through an old book she owns of supermodel photographs he published years ago. She gushes about how much she looooves looking at all the pretty models - but Paul says he actually prefers peoples' flaws 'cause it makes them more beautiful. He then pulls out a photograph he took of Carrie during her fitting earlier and calls her very alive and beautiful, which I found utterly nauseating.
Fashion show! An excited Carrie and Stanford arrive backstage, and some flunky directs them over to where the "regular people with style" are supposed to congregate. Carrie gets upset when she sees name cards for Frank Rich and Fran Lebowitz and moans about what an idiot she feels like, being included with such drab, un-model-like New Yorkers. Stanford points out that she's likely the model-iest of the regular people, which is probably highly debatable.
Oscar's assistant tells Carrie there's been a last minute change, and that instead of the blue glittery dress she'll have to prance the length of the runway in jeweled granny panties. Carrie stares at the panties in horror and says she's going to need to speak with someone. In the next scene, Oscar explains that he had to lose the blue dress from the rotation 'cause he just learned that Dior is showcasing something similar. Carrie cries, "Me no likey!" but Oscar says he'll give her a coat to cover her mammaries, and that his stylist will transform her mangy rat's nest into a ginormous blowout to distract the fashion show audience from the sight of her naked torso.
Charlotte introduces Stanford to Anthony...and Anthony looks disgusted by how not even close Stanford measures up to a 'young Ed Harris' and starts acting all frosty bitchy. A dejected Stanford mutters something about needing to check on Carrie then slinks backstage, and Anthony snappishly informs Charlotte that he can do a whole lot better than that uggo.
Carrie is in the process of getting her hair bouffant-ified when Stanford arrives backstage to complain about Anthony's rudeness. Carrie, who's distraught about having to strut the runway in jeweled granny panties, wails that right now she has no room in her head for his dating woes. Oscar saunters over with Kevyn Aucoin, assures Carrie she looks fabulous, and tells her that Kevyn will use all of his makeup artist powers to try to make her horsey face look less horsey. Carrie implores Stanford to summon Samantha backstage so she can get an honest opinion of how she looks...and when Stanford returns to his seat, he notices that Anthony is no longer there. Charlotte sheepishly explains that he had a decorating emergency and had to rush off. LOL.
As the fashion show gets underway, Samantha arrives backstage and stares in speechless wonderment at Carrie, who's decked out in a long blue coat over the granny panties. Carrie orders her to tell her the truth about what an embarrassing spectacle she's about to make of herself, but Samantha just clutches her chest and breathlessly coos, "Honey, you're a model!" A few seconds later Heidi Klum, who's wearing the black floral dress Carrie tried on earlier, appears behind Carrie to check herself out in the mirror. The two compliment each other's outfits and get ready to hit the runway.
Carrie makes her runway debut...and a few seconds into it she goes from looking unbearably cocky to completely mortified when she trips on her stilettos and falls flat on her face. Bwahahaha!!! Margaret Cho, who's up in the control area with a headset on, barks, "Fuck. Me. Hard!" and orders whoever she's got running things backstage to send out Heidi Klum so the show doesn't fall behind schedule. As Heidi steps over Carrie to get to the end of the runway, Stanford gasps about how she's being treated like "fashion roadkill". Carrie informs viewers via voice-over that she decided to get through the embarrassment by picking herself up and strutting the runway as planned. As she climbs to her feet, the Sex and the City gals loudly cheer her on...and Carrie gets all into it and smugly twirls at the end of the runway and high fives Heidi Klum. Carrie mouths sorry to Margaret Cho, but Margaret Cho shakes her head as if to say, "You got this, girrrl!" and gives her a smile of approval.
Carrie's "act of bravery" inspired Miranda to confront Dave at the gym and ask whassup with him not calling her after their second date, so he comes right out and tells her he got turned off 'cause she suddenly seemed so full of herself. A mortified Miranda squeaks, "Glad we cleared that up" and slinks away...and I guess that's that.
Samantha gives up on her organic-only food regimen and gets a big bag of junk food delivered for dinner. The deliveryman checks out the framed nude photo she decided to hang in the foyer ('cause, yeah, why wouldn't Samantha hang that up near the front door) and compliments her tight ass...and Samantha perks up at having her naked physical attributes validated by a slovenly deliveryman and gives him a huge tip.
Charlotte uses a mirror to examine her vagina...and is so mesmerized by the sight of it that she gets distracted and falls off the bed.
Carrie - ugh - struts around her apartment in a pair of men's underwear and a tank top as she tucks away the jeweled granny panties in a drawer and voice-overs about her relief at going back to her life as a regular person...even though a "regular person" would never be able to scrape by on whatever a raunch columnist who writes as shittily as she does would earn, much less have the financial resources to afford a spacious studio apartment on the Upper East Side, and buy Manolos and fugly designer outfits whenever the mood strikes.
Recap: The Sex and the City gigolas meet up on a Saturday night to attend an engagement party, which none of them except Charlotte seems all that interested in attending. They mock the cheesiness of the invitation's theme - two souls, one thought - and reminisce about how each of them has shared some type of intimate moment with the groom-to-be. Shocker.
As the gals mingle among the guests, one random partygoer notices Charlotte's wedding ring and asks her if her husband is at the party, and Charlotte starts nattering about how she and Trey are currently separated after rushing headfirst into a marriage that's gone dudsville 'cause of all the penile stamina type problems Trey's been having. The woman, whose eyes have widened in horror from all the TMI, warns another partygoer to steer clear of starting up a conversation with Charlotte. Across the room, the bride-to-be is gushing to everyone about how lucky she was to find the perfect man, then condescendingly asks Carrie and Miranda if they're seeing anyone special. Carrie says she isn't at the moment, while Miranda launches into a stand-up routine about how she's only seeing unspecial guys, and that if anyone knows of any dinkwhistles they could hook her up with they should let her know. Later, Carrie asks Miranda whassup with the self-deprecating comedy schtick, and Miranda points out that as the only single people at the party she decided to go on the offensive and avoid the inevitable pity party. Carrie wonders if married people actually envy their single, footloose and fancy free lives...but Miranda's like, "Nope" and says their single status makes married people uncomfortable. I'm sure their uncomfortableness has nothing at all to do with the gals' general aura of skank and/or tendency to fixate on sex 24/7.
Charlotte frantically knocks on Trey's door...and when he finally gets out of bed, puts his robe on, and answers, she stares at him in crazed bewilderment and wails, "What are we doing?!" and bursts inside while maniacally shaking her head. She tells him she can't go to anymore parties until they've decided what they're doing about their marriage, then pulls out some notes she prepared and reads two points aloud:
Trey reacts to her talking points by popping an involuntary boner, then rubs up against her and prematurely blows his wad. He scrunches his face in mortification for a few seconds, then apologizes and offers her a hanky. Charlotte cries, "It's too late for hankies!" and sadly tells him that "this" isn't working. She asks him to stop calling her until she's decided whether or not to continue with this dull-as-fuck marriage she never should have initiated out of a desperate need to no longer be single. Trey wistfully reminds her he loves her, and to please send him her dry cleaning bill for the soiled skirt.
Carrie gets a dating service brochure in the mail and brings it to the next brunch summit for a superfluous in depth discussion. Miranda mocks the questionnaire, which warns "Don't let your soulmate slip away!" and pooh poohs the very notion of a soulmate. Charlotte says she truly believes there's one perfect person out there who can complete you - and Miranda looks aghast as she barks, "And what if you don't find him? You're incomplete? It's soooo dangerous!" LOL. It's positively perilous! Carrie thinks that the idea of having only one soulmate in the world is ridic, and Samantha agrees and calls it out as being unattainable. Charlotte insists she can't help but completely buy into it - but is starting to rethink whether Trey is her soulmate, especially after the boorish way he ejaculated on her leg the other night. Miranda starts to fill out the questionnaire on Carrie's behalf...and when they get to the age section, they cackle about how Carrie is turning thirty-five next week.
Carrie goes home to smoke her stupid cigarettes and stare contemplatively into space as she ponders the notion of a soulmate. She rhetorically asks herself what it means if you've met your soulmate - but then cheat on him with Big, ruin his marriage to Natasha, and then get dumped like yesterday's news by the cuckolded soulmate after admitting to the infidelity. She caps off her brain-twisting by tapping out soulmates: reality or torture device?
As Carrie and Samantha amble around Manhattan together, Samantha offers to plan a small birthday dinner party to celebrate her thirty-five useless years on the planet...and Carrie chews on that for a few seconds before agreeing. Samantha asks if she should invite Mr. Big, but Carrie decides she'd rather stick to low maintenance friends she hasn't defiled a marital bed with - plus, he's currently in London on business. Samantha suddenly spots a hunky priest standing in front of his church and looks intrigued by his implausible good looks. She cackles to Carrie about his hotness and dubs him Friar Fuck 'cause she has the maturity of a fourteen year old.
The following Sunday, Samantha returns to the church to see if Friar Fuck would be up for a meaningless romp. She flirtily tells him she's in PR and offers to put together a fundraising benefit for the church - but Friar Fuck tells her that the church is too low key for that and that he prefers to do things like collect canned goods in order to feed the poor and needy. When Samantha ogles what she imagines he looks like under his robes, he hastily tells her he lives according to the values of St. Francis, aka poverty and chastity. At the mention of chastity, Samantha looks disappointed, but decides to give it a shot anyway and hands him her business card. She urges him to call her if he changes his mind about the fundraising benefit...or anything else, then sexily sashays off.
When the gals get together for drinks that evening, Charlotte remarks on Samantha's healthy glow, so she needlessly shares that she spent the afternoon pleasuring herself while imagining herself repeatedly impaled by Friar Fuck's penis. Charlotte is appalled that Samantha would stoop so low as to have impure thoughts about a priest (uh, she's met Samantha, right?) but Samantha reminds her it's just a fantasy she conjured up to help her get off. She asks the gals who they masturbate to, and Miranda and Carrie simultaneously chirp, "Russell Crowe!" while a deflated Charlotte whimpers that lately she's just been fantasizing about Trey whenever she feels urges emanating from her nether regions. She says her ultimate fantasy is of her and her husband having perfect sex, then scrunches her face worriedly and asks, "What does that mean?" Let's see...I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that it probably means you wish you could have satisfying sex with the prissy man you dove into an ill-fated marriage with.
Carrie is sitting up in her bed as the clock strikes 12:00am. She picks up the phone, dials Big's number, and leaves him a message inviting him to her birthday dinner party. So much for just sticking to low maintenance friends. She tells him that the dinner party will be at Il Cantinori - in case he returns from London in time and has any desire to attend.
Miranda runs into a friend we've never seen named Sheila, who comes right out and asks Miranda if she's dating anyone special. Miranda decides to forgo her usual I only date unspecial guys schtick and says she currently has no plus one in her life, and that since she refuses to buy into the whole soulmate theory, there's a strong possibility she could die old and alone. She swiftly changes the subject and asks Sheila how she and her husband Joe (of five years) are doing, and Sheila frenetically gabbles about how everyone is wondering where the babies are. Miranda chuckles at the self-deprecating schtick she's being treated to and suddenly realizes that everyone has a soft spot about what they perceive as the deficit in their lives.
Samantha drops by the church to make one last ditch effort to get Friar Fuck to change his mind about violating his vow of chastity. She proudly presents him with three cans of gourmet peas she's donating to the poor, then confesses that she's been having impure thoughts about him. He makes it clear that his life will never be about the joys of the flesh, gathers up the cans, and flees the pew where he was praying. Haha!
Carrie is the first to arrive at her birthday dinner at Il Cantinori. She's decked out in a red crop top with matching long skirt and voice-overs that she spent the entire day shopping...no doubt racking up more credit card debt she can't afford. When the waiter comes by to take her drink order, she requests a Shirley Temple and promises that once everyone arrives they'll be ordering lots of bubbly.
Twenty minutes later, she hears Happy Birthday being sung and smiles with excited anticipation...but her smile quickly fades when she realizes that the cake is for the woman sitting at a nearby table. To add insult to injury, the woman cackles, "Twenty five! Fuck I'm old!"
After more time passes with no one showing up for Carrie's party - bwahahaha! - the hostess comes by the table to inform Carrie that a woman baker just delivered her birthday cake and needs to be paid. Carrie glumly nods and mutters, "I'll get my purse."
After paying $70 for her own birthday cake - bwahahaha! - Carrie decided to call it a night and head home. When she accidentally steps onto a road that's in the process of being paved, she gets yelled at by a group of irate construction workers to get off their wet asphalt. Flustered, she drops the cake onto the asphalt...and the men continue to yell at her as she tries to scoop it up.
Carrie arrives home in a deep state of depression. She hits play on her answering machine, which has fourteen messages from the gals who called to tell her they're running late 'cause they're stuck in traffic. A confused Stanford left a message to inform her that he went to the wrong restaurant: El Cantinero [an awesome Mexican place near Union Square I've actually frequented on many fun occasions]. Carrie slinks into her bathroom and climbs into the shower - just as Charlotte lets herself into the apartment to forcibly take Carrie out to a coffee shop in an effort to salvage what's left of her birthday evening. When Carrie hears what she assumes is an intruder skulking about, she shrieks in terror...then wraps herself in a towel as a thick coat of eyeliner runs down her face. She wryly tells Charlotte she just aged thirty-five more years.
At the coffee shop, Carrie sadly tells the gals that as she sat alone in Il Cantinori, it hit her hard that she's thirty-five and alone. Miranda quickly retorts, "You're not alone" and Carrie breezily says, "Yeah, yeah...I know I have you guys" but acknowledges that despite the writers' best efforts to portray these over-sexed nitwits as staunchly independent women who feel empowered every time they leap into the sack with whatever random men happen to be guest starring that week, she can't deny being unbearably sad about not currently having a boyfriend in her life...much less a soulmate. Charlotte suggests that perhaps they could be each other's soulmate and that men could simply be "great guys to have fun with". Samantha gives her a wink and a nod and says, "Well...that sounds like a plan" while Carrie scrunches her face in misery and laments turning thirty-five. Samantha rolls her eyes and wearily replies, "Ah shut the fuck up. I'm a hundred and forty." Haha!
Miranda returns to her empty apartment with her sad face on...but perks up slightly when she hears her cat Fatty meowing from another room.
As Carrie walks home, she sees Big's black limo parked in front of her building. %$#@! She excitedly knocks on his window...and when he opens it, several balloons pop out, and he flashes her his ob-fucking-noxious shit eating grin and coos, "Happy birthday, baby." Carrie climbs into the limo and fake gushes about the fabulous day she had, and also how surprised she is that he went through the trouble of preparing this birthday surprise for her. As he cracks open a bottle of champagne and pours it into two plastic cups, Carrie asks him how he feels about the notion of soulmates. He mulls that over for a few seconds and says he likes the words soul and mate...then suffers a sudden brain-fart and adds, "Other than that, you got me." After Big's limo pulls away, Carrie stares after it wistfully while clutching her balloons and voice-overing that now that she has three soulmates nailed down, it'll be much easier to spot the "great guys to have fun with".
Whatever you say, Carrie.