Recap: Alicia Keys belts out the song Empire State of Mind while the camera pans over a very glittery looking Manhattan. Carrie reminisces about arriving in New York in the '80s...and we get a faux flashback of her [struggling to look like a decades younger version of herself] sporting a fuzzy '80s perm and wearing a Flashdance inspired outfit. She voice-overs about how she met each of the gigolas, and viewers get faux flashbacks of their horrendous '80s hairdos and clothes. After all that needless flashbacking, the gals converge in Midtown and head straight to Bergdorf-Goodman's to buy a wedding gift for Stanford and Anthony, whose happy ending is likened to musical chairs: "the music stopped and they were the last two left standing" ... 'cause apparently within the last two years, the entire New York gay community (in the SATC universe) either coupled up or fled the city altogether.
The SATC cast, along with their plus ones/families, gather at a charming Connecticut inn for Stanford's and Anthony's big day.
In one of the inn's rooms, we see that Carrie's hair is frizzed out in a 'do that makes her rat's nest look even fuglier than usual, and she's decked out in a tux 'cause Stanford appointed her his "best man". She gets all flirty with Big, who repeatedly asks her what to expect at this gay wedding...and Carrie repeatedly denies that it's a "gay" wedding, then decides that since she has an hour to kill before the ceremony, why not indulge in some marital hanky panky?
The guests make their way inside the wedding venue, and we see that - surprise! (not) - the event is an over-the-top affair featuring an orchestra and sixteen man choir dressed in white, as well as a pond filled with swans. Carrie looks around and grimly concedes to Big that, yep, it is a "gay" wedding after all. Har har. Anthony sidles up to where the SATC cast is milling about, glances around with his eyes rolled, and bellows, "It looks like the Snow Queen exploded!" He says he agreed to let Stanford plan the wedding of his dreams in exchange for him being allowed to cheat...and as everyone scrunches their faces confusedly [though it's unclear why, since unfettered raunch and infidelity was always at the heart of "the appeal" of this HBO series], Anthony "explains" that just 'cause he's getting married doesn't mean he has to stop being the man-whore he's always been. After he ambles off, Carrie shrugs and says that every couple has the right to make their own rules - but a horrified Charlotte argues, "Nuh uh. It's marriage."
Carrie checks on Stanford, who's doing some last minute primping inside a white tent. When she informs Stanford that his husband-to-be is going around telling everyone he's allowed to cheat, his face falls as he mutters, "I know", then brushes it off as Anthony's cunty way of resisting tradition.
Lily walks down the aisle, fulfilling her duties as flower girl by scattering petals behind her, and then Carrie takes her place at the faux altar. Liza Minnelli (!) appears from behind a giant curtain to perform the ceremony...and as everyone gasps in delighted surprise at the unexpected cameo, Samantha blurts out, "Why would Liza say yes to this?" It's anyone's guess - but I'll safely assume it's desperate times calling for desperate measures in the entertainment biz. Anthony tears up as he and Stanford exchange vows...and once the "brooms" are pronounced husband and husband, Liza takes the stage with two lookalikes to perform an energetic rendition of Beyonce's hit, All the Single Ladies.
At the SATC cast table, Charlotte gets irked at Harry for blabbing about what a fussy pain-in-the-ass little Rose is being...while Miranda and Steve exude marital bliss, no doubt from all the couples' counseling they got after Steve's infidelity during the first feature film. Miranda checks her phone and scrunches her face in misery when she gets a bitchy email from the senior partner at her law firm. She tells everyone he hates the sound of her voice so much - shocker - that he likes to hold up his hand near her face as a non-subtle message for her to shut it. Haha!
Some random woman and her husband are sitting next to Carrie and Big...and the woman gushes to Carrie about her books and raunch column and says that, over the years, they had very similar dating experiences. She reveals that she and her husband are expecting a baby via a surrogate, then asks Carrie about her baby plans...and Carrie just kind of shrugs and says that she and Big have no plans to become parents, like ever. The woman stares back at her in horror and asks, "So it's just going to be you two?" ... and when Carrie nods, the woman and her husband do their best to look as weirded out as possible before they hastily excuse themselves to find a more procreation-friendly table. As Carrie and Big stare after them in puzzlement, an order is given to the couples in attendance to join Anthony and Stanford on the dance floor. Across the room, Samantha ogles Anthony's hot brother Nicky, who tells her he lays concrete for a living. She cackles, "That sounds promising" ... and in the next scene, she's getting boned by Nicky so hard that every guest at the inn can hear her screechily bellowing, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Classy and discreet as usual, Sam.
Big and Carrie are laying in bed, unable to sleep through Samantha's sex screeching and the non-stop crying of little Rose. Big gets the idea to put on "a little white noise" by turning on the TV and watching It Happened One Night...and by scripted coincidence, we see the scene when Claudette Colbert shows a little leg in order to stop oncoming traffic.
At breakfast the next morning, Samantha tells the gals she's on a daily regimen of vitamins, hormones, and estrogen creme in an effort to trick her aging body into thinking it's still pre-menopausal. Charlotte arrives at the table with her daughters...and when Samantha makes an ew face, Charlotte assures the gigolas that the pesky kids will only be in their presence until the nanny comes by to fetch them and whisk them away. A few seconds later, Charlotte's nanny - an Irish, bra-less young hottie named Erin - bounces over to collect the girls for some impromptu cartwheel practicing. Once the three are out of earshot, Samantha chides Charlotte for hiring someone so ridiculously good looking - and Charlotte explains that she barely noticed her hotness 'cause of her degree in child psychology and amazing rapport with the girls. But a few seconds later, she scrunches her face concernedly when she sees how brazenly the menfolk (including Harry) are checking out the buxomly bra-less Erin as she excitedly jumps up and down while Lily and Rose attempt cartwheels.
Carrie and Big return home...home being a fancy New York apartment that the two moved into after downgrading from the insanely huge Fifth Avenue penthouse that Big had purchased at the beginning of the first feature film. Big settles onto their navy blue designer couch to relax and read the paper - but is promptly given the stink-eye by Carrie when she notices that he still has his shoes on. She snarkishly reminds him that the fugly piece of furniture took her a year and a half to acquire (which seems weirdly excessive for a couch that looks unbearably stiff), and Big shoots her an irritated glare as he moves his feet so that his shoe soles aren't in danger of leaving scuff marks on Carrie's showpiece.
Brady is putting the last minute touches on his science fair project - a mouse running through a maze! - and is bummed when Miranda tells him it's highly doubtful that she'll be able to make the science fair 'cause she's too busy lawyering.
The senior law partner, who hates the sound of Miranda's voice, announces during a staff meeting that he's reassigning her case to a less experienced flunky. When she's all, "Wuh?" he lifts his hand up to shut her up...and Miranda finally gets fed up enough with his shitty treatment of her to tell him off in front of her colleagues - but, for some dumb reason, that juicy scene occurs off camera. Soon after, we see Miranda arrive at Brady's school just in time to see him win the blue ribbon for his mouse/maze science fair project. Hooray! Now release the poor mouse back into the wild, please.
Charlotte gets concerned again with the perkiness of Erin's hooters as she spies on Erin and Harry while they bathe the girls, then get into a friendly water fight that results in Erin's thin white tank top getting soaked.
Charlotte calls Carrie just as she and her daughters are about to do some elaborate looking cupcake decorating. Charlotte asks Carrie whether or not she needs to worry about Harry wanting to hook up with Erin (fuuuuuuuuuuck), and Carrie half-heartedly reassures her she has nothing to worry about. Then begs her to please shut up about it already 'cause it's too derivative of the first SATC movie when viewers were forced to suffer through Miranda's and Steve's marital problems that resulted from his infidelity. As the two continue to gabble, Lily gets so impatient that her mom isn't paying enough attention to her that she dips her hands in some vibrant red goo and slaps her hand prints on Charlotte's rear end. Charlotte shrieks, "Lily! This skirt is vintage!" and wails to Carrie about how her devil's spawn of a daughter just ruined her white vintage Valentino skirt...as well she deserves, 'cause who the hell totters around their own apartment in stilettos wearing vintage anything while decorating cupcakes with two small children? Charlotte abruptly ends the call with Carrie, barricades herself inside the pantry, and tearfully tells Lily she's looking for more sprinkles. Erin breezes in at that moment, finds a teary-eyed Charlotte hiding out in the pantry, and immediately hustles the girls to her room so they can spend the afternoon bonding with a well-adjusted adult.
Samantha, who appears to have an office in Times Square, is sitting in her glassed-in office...and her panties are slid down to her ankles while she manually freshens up her well-worn cooch. You heard me. Smith calls her from a movie location in an Abu Dhabi desert to invite her to be his red carpet date for his upcoming film premiere, then gushes about how he still credits her for his successful movie career. She accepts his invitation, then pulls up her panties to head out for her lunch date...and I can only hope she stopped in at the ladies room to thoroughly wash her hands.
Big has prepared Carrie a home-cooked anniversary meal 'cause I guess they've been married for two whole years, and afterwards she hands him his gift: a vintage Rolex from 1968, inscribed with Me and You, Just Us Two. He tells her it's very nice and dutifully puts it around his wrist, then informs her that her gift is in the bedroom [insert obvious sex joke here - or not...blech], and the two amble over to the master suite. When he unveils the gift - a state-of-the-art flat screen TV - he explains that he bought it for her so they can lay in bed and watch black and white movies together, just like they did at the Connecticut inn. Carrie contorts her horsey face into a poutish expression to show her displeasure, then snidely remarks, "A piece of jewelry would have been nice" and Big visibly deflates and shakes his head incredulously. Or maybe that was me, projecting, 'cause of how much I looooooooove having a flat screen TV in my bedroom so I can relax on my comfy bed while bingeing on the Netflix.
Samantha drags Carrie along to shop for something extra sluttastic and age-inappropriate to squeeze herself into for Smith's movie premiere. Carrie asks her if she and Big can score tickets to the event, and Samantha's like, "Sure!" - then eyes a low-cut, thigh-baring glittery slip of a dress on a nearby mannequin. When she points it out to a salesgirl and says she'd like to try it on, the salesgirl frowns and delicately replies, "Isn't that...er...a little young?" - bwahahaha! yes! - to which Samantha snappishly bellows, "I am fifty-fucking-two and I will rock this dress!"
A tired looking Big arrives home from work with a bag of Japanese takeout. Carrie, who's decked out in a long evening gown, reminds him about Smith's movie premiere party that starts in an hour...and Big groans and goes, "Is that tonight?" and asks her if she'd mind going without him. She's like, "I would mind, actually", then fixes him a quick drink and barks him to get his keister off the couch and prepare for a long night out.
Ziegfeld Theatre. The SATC gals and their plus ones arrive at the premiere of Smith's cheesy looking flick, Heart of the Desert. By scripted coincidence, eighteen year old Miley Cyrus shows up at the premiere in the same glittery slip dress that Samantha's wearing. As everyone looks on in morbid anticipation, Miley decides to throw her elder a bone and gamely poses beside Samantha as the paparazzi snap away...and for some reason they don't think to ask Samantha to get out of the frame so they can take more sellable pics of the actual celebrity.
Inside the VIP room, Samantha and Smith are having a sit-down with the film's producer, Sheikh Khalid...and, yeesh, Samantha's boobs look painfully compressed in the low cut glitter dress. Smith gushes about how Samantha single-handedly made him the star he is today...and Khalid looks contemplative, then says he'd like Samantha to work her PR magic on his new luxury hotel in Abu Dhabi. To that end, he's willing to fly her there for an all-expense paid trip so she can luxuriate in the decadent luxuriousness of his hotel. Samantha squeals happily...and we later learn that she agrees to do it only if the rich Sheikh foots the bill for her three gigola friends as well, so that the film can focus on a glitzy girls' trip in a location that's far more exotic than Manhattan.
Elsewhere at the premiere party, Carrie complains to Stanford that Boring Big never wants to go out anymore. Stanford tells her to count her blessings, then reminds her that not so long ago, she could barely get Big to sleep over at her apartment. Carrie glances over at her husband, looks aghast when she sees that he's having an animated looking chat with the very striking Penelope Cruz, and makes a beeline over and bitchily introduces herself to Penelope as Carrie Preston. Carrie tells Big she's ready to head home now...and Big stares longingly at Penelope Cruz and blinks twice for help me.
As Carrie gets undressed, she's annoyed that Big is lounging in bed watching TV. She complains that the TV is too loud, then bitchily reminds him that he supposedly bought it so they could watch black and white movies. Big sighs and shuts off the TV muttering, "You're not happy in, you're not happy out" and Carrie makes a poutish expression and asks, "What does that mean?" then reminds him that since it's just going to be the two of them trapped in this ill-fated marriage until one of them succumbs to the sweet release of death, they're going to have to work on the sparkle...and by "the sparkle", she means the flirty way in which he was chatting up Penelope Cruz earlier. She gives up on her bitchitude for the night and hands him the remote, and he happily turns the TV back on.
The next morning, Carrie leaves Big a note that she's off to her old apartment to get some raunch writing done for her next Vogue article. She explains to viewers the implausible reason she never re-sold the apartment - a bad selling market - which I downright refuse to believe considering this is Manhattan's Upper East Side. Big calls to ask whassup with her leaving so early in the morning, and she tells him she figured it would be easier to work in complete isolation, and that she may stay there for the next couple of days. OK - seriously? How long could a superfluous Vogue piece by a former raunch columnist possibly take to write? Based on past tidbits of her writing, I'm pretty sure that any quasi-literate person could bang that shit out in a couple of hours. Big tells her he's A-OK with living single for two days...and the next day Carrie decides to re-emerge among the living for some sustenance and sets up a brunch summit with the gigolas.
Samantha announces that she got an all-expense paid trip for the four of them to travel to Abu Dhabi, and that they'll be flying there on the Sheikh's private airline. Miranda gleefully accepts since she has no job...and since Carrie has never actually had a real job that would adequately explain how she's been able to make a living for the past eight years, she too is in. When Charlotte moans about having two small children and a husband who might be on the verge of doinking their hot nanny, Samantha guilts her for making her attend children's birthday parties over the years and says she desperately wants the four of them to flounce around someplace rich and ridiculously decadent.
Big calls Carrie just as she's printing out her article - and it seems a tad weird in 2010 that she'd need a printout instead of just emailing the thing to Candice Bergen. Big tells her he's waiting for her downstairs in his trademark black car and would like to take her to dinner...and Carrie changes into the dumb looking newspaper dress she wore in Season 3, when Big's second wife, Natasha, gave her a well deserved tongue lashing for being a slutty homewrecker. Carrie and Big smooch...and we later learn that they had a fabulous night out followed by a satisfying doinkfest. Fantastic.
As Carrie packs her stilettos and skankwear for Abu Dhabi, Big proposes they spend two days a week apart on more of a regular basis. He says he can get a place so he can lay around in peace, not worry about scuffing the couch with his shoes, and watch whatever he wants on TV without getting bitched out by his sinewy ball and chain. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" and asks him if he really feels like he needs a break from her every week, and he's like, "Well, d'yuh." She comes right out and asks, "Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?" ... and - bwahahaha! - I have no idea what Big's retort to that was, 'cause I was too busy laughing aloud, then shrieking, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at the TV.
The gals board an Abu Dhabi bound plane and excitedly gush about all the luxuriousness surrounding them, including their own private little sleeper cabins. Miranda waves around a gossip magazine she brought aboard so that the headline on the cover - Cheating with the nanny - can catch Charlotte's eye. She grabs the magazine from Miranda and shuts herself inside her little cabin so she can privately stew about Harry's non-existent affair with Erin.
When the plane reaches flying altitude, the gals head over to the bar. Carrie tells them that Big suggested they spend two days a week apart from each other...and Charlotte scrunches her face into a judgey expression, while Miranda concurs that marriage is hard work. Carrie explains to Charlotte that she and Big are making up their own marriage rules - but Charlotte can't bring herself to offer her approval and asks if Big wanting so much time away from her hurts her feelings. Carrie chuckles faux breezily and condescendingly says, "You just don't get it."
Eventually, the gals, along with their ridiculous amount of luggage arrive in Abu Dhabi. The customs officials confiscate Samantha's supply of vitamins and hormones, prompting Samantha to haughtily retort, "But they're all natural! They're made from yams!" and moans that without her anti-aging supplements, she'll ricochet back into menopause. After it's clear that the officials don't give a rat's ass about her menopause resurgence, the gals are greeted by a hotel flunky who motions toward four white luxury cars that will transport them separately to the hotel. Seems like a limo would have been a nicer and more convenient option, but OK. Miranda's all, "Wheeeee!" and urges everyone to step on it 'cause they have "a lot of Abu Dhabi to do" then races towards one of the white cars.
When the gals arrive at Sheikh Khalid's spectacular hotel, Samantha is greeted by the manager, Mr. Safir. He leads them up their private elevator and into the Jewel Suite that features a den, private bar, private kitchen, formal salon, multiple bedrooms...and four male butlers to tend to their every need.
After a clothing change into long flowy dresses, the gals head down to the pool area. Miranda, who has been immersing herself in Abu Dhabi travel guides, gives them a quick lesson on the niqab and abaya and adds that women in the UAE are required to dress in a way that doesn't attract sexual attention. She then glares disapprovingly at Samantha, who's shamelessly baring her arms and shoulders. Carrie says the niqab freaks her out, then stares with fascination at a niqab wearing woman as she eats fries by lifting her veil every time she takes a bite. Charlotte wails about how Harry hasn't responded to any of her texts, and Carrie snarks at her to stop obsessing about her husband's unlikely affair with the nanny - since there's no way Erin isn't fully aware that she can do a whole lot better than settle for an illicit affair with her married baldie employer.
Carrie gets up in the middle of the night to get herself a glass of milk, and shrieks when her butler, Gaurau, appears from out of nowhere. She asks him whassup with him hanging around so late, and he says it's 'cause she didn't dismiss him...even though no one at the hotel thought to inform her or the gigolas that they were required to dismiss their butlers at the end of every day. Gaurau offers to warm her milk and add a dash of cinnamon...then gabbles about his wife, who lives in India and who he can only see whenever he gets time off from his butler duties. Carrie asks him if it's difficult being apart for such long stretches, and he says that time doesn't matter 'cause every time they see each other it's super wonderful.
The next morning at breakfast, Samantha remarks to the gals that she's pretty sure her butler is gay 'cause he told her his name is "Abdul. Like Paula" - and she nicknames him Paula Abdul. Carrie changes the subject to Gaurau and his long distance marriage, then turns to Charlotte and smugly says, "See? There are all kinds of marriages" but Charlotte scrunches her face with disdain at any sort of non-traditional marital arrangement. Miranda says she'd like to spend the morning at a nearby souk in Old Abu Dhabi, and Carrie chirps, "I'm in!"
In the next scene, Carrie emerges from their suite dressed in one of her more stupid, Pat Field-inspired get-ups: a black J'adore Dior 8 shirt with a short grey sweater thing, a long and very poofy purple skirt, and bright pink stilettos. Gaurau bids her and Miranda adieu, but ominously warns them to not have "a forbidden experience" by illegally buying anything on the black market.
At the souk, Carrie makes a beeline over to a kindly shoe vendor and tries on a pair of white shoes with little horns. She's shocked when the vendor tells her they're the equivalent of $20, then needlessly empties everything out of her purse to fish around for her wallet. When the call to prayer is blared over the souk's loud speakers, Carrie glances around in wonderment and sees someone who looks like Aidan...and upon further inspection, she realizes - OMG! - it is Aidan! She contorts her horsey face into a stupid looking I'm so hot and sultry expression and inches toward him...and he spots her, is all "What the..?", and starts inching toward her. He gushes about how she's the best mirage ever (blech, Aidan), then hugs her and asks what in blazes she's doing in the outdoor market of the obscure Middle Eastern country he's currently in at this exact moment. She tells him she's here with the girls as part of Samantha's implausible, all expense paid PR trip, and he tells her he's now an importer of rugs that he sells along with his handmade furniture. He invites her to join him for dinner tomorrow night and gives her his card...and as she ambles away, he shouts, "How weird is this?" Very weird, Aidan. And utterly, utterly improbable - even by SATC standards.
Poolside, Carrie tells the gals about the Aidan sighting - but then gets interrupted by the arrival of the Australian rugby team that's staying at the hotel...and the camera pans over their hard, nearly naked bodies. Sam ogles them, but gets upset when she doesn't "feel anything down under" now that she's off her anti-menopause pill and creme regimen. When Charlotte snaps at her to shut up about her stupid hormones, Miranda stages an inter-fun-tion and says she's arranged for an entertaining outing for the four of them.
The gals are chauffeured down a desert highway, then brought to a makeshift camp for an afternoon of camel riding. When Charlotte's iPhone rings, she answers it...and is so overcome with joy at hearing Harry's voice that she falls off of her camel. Hilarity ensues when she pulls up her red camel-riding pants, and Samantha points at her crotch and laughs at her camel-toe...which was about as gut-busting as when the gals cackled at her pants pooping during the first movie. Later, when the ladies have changed into their leisure-wear and are noshing on the snacks that their poor butlers were forced to cart all the way to the desert, a jeep ferrying a sexy Danish architect suddenly zooms over. The architect asks Gaurau to please call the hotel to tell whoever that he's having such a blast sand dune surfing, aka standing on the back of a jeep while someone else drives (how is this a thing?) that he's going to be at least an hour late, and Gaurau dutifully replies, "My pleasure, sir." The Dane apologizes to the gigolas for disturbing their fun, then rides off...and Samantha cackles about how she suddenly feels "something down under", then giddily screeches in a sing-songy voice, "Lawrence of my laaaaaaaabia!" which - OMFG - made me cringe harder than usual and nearly hit the stop button on my remote.
The gals spend the evening at the hotel bar, where karaoke is on the entertainment menu. Miranda has signed them up for something they can bond over while embarrassing themselves - performing the song I Am Woman - and we're forced to endure them sing the entire fucking thing. The sexy Danish architect enters the club at that moment and stares smittenly at Samantha, and after the song winds down, she stares over at him and croons, "I am a woman...I'm at that table..." A few seconds later, the sexy Danish architect heads over to the gals' table and introduces himself as Rikard Spirt...and Samantha cackles like a twelve year old and asks, "So your name is Dick Spirt?" Rikard remarks on her American style boorishness - an insult that seemingly flies over all four gigolas' heads - then offers to buy Samantha a drink. She declines, but tells him she's free all day tomorrow, so he suggests they get together for a late dinner and maybe some...er, dessert.
The next morning, Carrie spots a copy of The New Yorker in a pile of magazines for Samantha's reading pleasure, notices that it's the issue that contains the review of her latest book, and takes it out to the terrace with her so she can read the review aloud to the gals. The reviewer - bless his heart, whoever he is - slams Carrie for lampooning traditional wedding vows and for not understanding the complexities of married life, then suggests she tape her mouth shut and "explore the vow of silence". Bwahahaha! I couldn't agree more. Carrie contorts her horsey face into an expression of misery and says how wrecked she is that the magazine she's been toting around in her purse for the last twenty years gave her latest book such a scathing review. Samantha tries to comfort her by saying that the reviewer is intimidated by her strong female voice, then changes the subject by asking the gals if they want to go shopping and/or spa-ing. Carrie declines, slams The New Yorker on a nearby table, and summons Gaurau to escort her on an impromptu walk. In the next scene, the two are ambling along the beach in the hot haze...and Gaurau is holding an umbrella over Carrie's head as she stares moodily into space.
That evening, Carrie decks herself out in a low cut top and thigh-high slit skirt and goes heavy on the eyeliner as she primps for her dinner date with Aidan...and when the camera zooms in for a close-up of her face, yeesh. I can't imagine why the film's editors didn't opt to leave that ack-tastic footage on the editing room floor. She runs into Miranda and Charlotte on her way to the elevator...and Charlotte gets all judgey about her having dinner with Aidan and warns her she's "playing with fire". Carrie snaps back that just 'cause she's suspicious of Harry possibly doinking the nanny doesn't mean everyone's going to cheat, then huffily exits the suite. Charlotte tears up and tells Miranda that she's retiring to her room for a nap.
Carrie arrives at Aidan's hotel and sashays into the restaurant where Aidan is seated. She purrs, "Hi" as Aidan brazenly checks out her cleavage. Blech, Aidan.
Charlotte is escorted by her butler to the bar inside their luxurious suite, where Miranda is waiting for her. She pours Charlotte a drink and urges her to spill her guts about the challenges of SATC's version of motherhood - motherhood lite - and when Charlotte looks hesitant, Miranda kicks things off by saying that as much as she loooooves Brady, just being a mom isn't enough for her. Charlotte throws back some alcohol and says that she loooooves her girls but that she's enjoyed not having them around for the last couple of days on account of she was about to go postal from Rose's incessant crying and Lily's pesky insistence that she be raised. She then says her first thought after Samantha planted the seed in her head about Harry getting it on with Erin was: "I can't lose the nanny!" ... and the two giggle and continue to drink heavily.
Carrie and Aidan talk about their marriages...ho hum...and Aidan says his wife gleefully showed him her (Carrie's) wedding announcement 'cause apparently she was always concerned that Aidan would always consider his ex-skank to be "the one that got away" which, ick, is disturbing on so many levels. When he shows Carrie a photo of his three sons, Carrie says that she and Big decided to never have kids 'cause "that's not who we are". Aidan gazes at her lovingly and gushes about how hot she's looking - &%$#@! - and when the two stroll outside after dinner, he leans in and gives her a smooch. After enjoying the smooch for a few seconds, Carrie pulls away with a shocked look on her horsey face, then flees to her taxi as Aidan stares after her and mutters, "Ah fuuuuck." My sentiments exactly.
Carrie races back to the Jewel Suite and blurts out to the gigolas, "I kissed Aidan! I'm freaking out!" then says she needs to call Big and confess the sin, like pronto. Miranda says that when Steve cheated on her during the first feature film, she doesn't think the pain of knowing about it was worth enduring the tedious subplot. No fucking shit. Samantha points out it was just a kiss and advises her to sleep on it...or better yet, never speak of it again. Charlotte, meanwhile, just stares drunkenly into space and repeatedly mutters, "I dunno.." LOL.
Samantha is wearing a shoulder baring white dress while dining in an outdoor restaurant with Rikard...and from a table a feet away, an ultra conservative Muslim man and his wife are staring over at them in brazen disdain. Rikard tells Samantha he's perpetually aroused whenever he's in the UAE 'cause of how strictly PDAs are forbidden...and Samantha responds by fondling his upper thigh. When the two decide to take a walk on the beach, the ultra conservative Muslim man slams down his cutlery and calls over a security guard to report their public fondling.
Carrie calls Big on her cell phone to tell him "something's happened" and he's all, "Wha-a-a?! Are you OK?" She assures him she's fine...but that she ran into Aidan, met up with him for dinner and got caught up on their lives - blah blah blah - then accidentally smooched him and couldn't help but enjoy it. She says she feels awful and didn't want to carry around the secret...and Big stares blankly into space with his furry brows furrowed, then coldly retorts, "I'm at work. I have to go" and abruptly ends the call. Ouch. A few seconds later, Carrie's phone rings, and she's startled when it's Samantha, wailing that she's just been arrested.
Carrie wakes Miranda and tells her that Samantha needs a lawyer asap 'cause she got herself arrested for doinking Rikard on the beach.
At the police station, Samantha hotly explains that she and Rikard were merely kissing, and that the only reason she was arrested was 'cause an ultra conservative Muslim man complained to a security guard. The hotel manager, Mr. Safir, enters the room and asks Samantha for her passport so they can make a public record of the complaint...and Samantha mutters about the ridiculousness of the whole thing - but hands over her passport. Mr. Safir looks less than impressed when a condom falls out of it.
Carrie moans to Charlotte about what a big mistake it was to kiss Aidan...and that as soon as their lips locked, she realized that the only man she's ever wanted is Big. She now regrets being so bitchy to him about him being such a homebody, and now thinks it's prolly not that big of a deal that he wants to spend two days a week away from their marriage. Charlotte throws her a bone and says, "I think there's really something to it" and says that after being away from Harry and the girls for two days, she's gotten some sleep and is just now beginning to feel more like herself.
Samantha is released the following morning...and she and the gals quickly discover that they're suddenly persona non grata at the hotel. The front desk clerk informs Samantha that if she and her slutty friends don't check out within the next hour, they'll be on the hook for a 22K a night hotel bill. The gals pack as quickly as possible...and Carrie leaves Gaurau a giant tip along with a note that encourages him to use the cash to fly to India and visit his wife. As the gals are about to climb into a couple of decrepit looking cabs, Carrie realizes that her passport is missing...and that she's pretty sure she accidentally left it with the kindly shoe vendor in the souk several scenes ago.
The gals arrive in the souk...and Miranda chides Samantha for prancing around this socially conservative Muslim country in nothing more than a skimpy tank top and shorts. Carrie locates the kindly shoe vendor, who was nice enough to hold onto her passport, and she thanks him by buying a round of shoes for each of the gals.
A couple of fake merchants lure Charlotte and Samantha into a back alley to buy some black market merchandise...and when Carrie and Miranda get wind of what's happened, they chase after them and warn them that it's illegal in Abu Dhabi to have "a forbidden experience". The four flee the fake merchants, one of whom mistakenly thinks that Samantha stole one of their knock-off designer Birkins. They rush out after Samantha and grab her Birkin, which causes her stuff to go flying everywhere. She shrieks, "You broke my Birkin!" and bends down to gather up her stuff, which includes a small mountain of condoms. The ruckus attracts a stern looking crowd of Muslim men, and Samantha glares at them defiantly and screeches, "I have SEX!" and makes thrusting motions with her hips as they become even more enraged, which...holy fucking crap, writers. How did a scene so insultingly stupid make it through the script approval process?? The horrified gigolas hustle Samantha out of there as she continues to crazily rant and flip the Muslim men the bird - OMFG - and Miranda snaps at her to put her damn jacket on. They pick up the pace, hoping aloud that no one calls the authorities, and are suddenly approached by a group of veiled women who motion that they should follow them into a secret room hidden by a curtain. The veiled women giggle about how enraged the angry men will be over Samantha's sex thrusting for the foreseeable future. After that, they gush about how much they looooove America, in particular New York 'cause of the fashion, then remove their abayas and niqabs to reveal the designer clothes they're all wearing underneath. Miranda suddenly remembers that they have a flight to catch, but worries that the angry men mob is going to stop them. Solution: the Abu Dhabi women give the gigolas their abayas so they can slip past the mob and hail a couple of taxis. When taxi hailing proves to be a challenge, Carrie remembers the movie she and Big watched at the beginning of the movie and shows off her bare leg to stop the next available cab.
The gals make it aboard their flight...and when Carrie arrives home, she's bummed that Big didn't meet her at the airport as he promised. She also discovers that the TV in the bedroom is gone.
Carrie takes a shower, then leaves Big a message to let him know that she's back from Abu Dhabi...and sits in the dark until he finally returns home. He tells her he's been wandering the streets to kill time and torture her...and admits that the visual of her smooching Aidan really tore him up. He calls her "a bit of a rookie" when it comes to marriage, then pulls a small jewelry box out of his pocket and orders her to wear the giant rock on her finger as a constant reminder that she's married. The fuck?! What the hell kind of punishment is that? Carrie squeals, "Gladly!" and promises to never kiss a man who's not her husband, and to stop worrying about them becoming a boring married couple.
As the film mercifully wraps up and Cyndi Lauper croons True Colors in the background, we see that Miranda has gotten a job at a more female-friendly law firm, and Samantha met up with Rikard and is enjoying an enthusiastic boning on the hood of his car somewhere in the Hamptons. Charlotte happily discovers that Erin is a lesbian who's only into other hot nannies, and makes regular use of Carrie's vacant apartment so she can escape the tediousness of raising two young children - even though she has no job and employs a full time nanny. Carrie cuddles with Big on their uncomfortable looking designer couch while they watch a black and white movie...and are smooching when the delightful words The End appear on the TV screen.
That is a wrap for Sex and the City...and fingers crossed, there will never be a third installment. Hope you enjoyed the recaps!
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Recap: This needless continuation of a TV show that was largely pointless to begin with opens with a voice-overed (by Carrie) recap of what's been going on with the gigolas since the series finale: Charlotte and Harry have become parents to an adorable Chinese girl named Lily, Miranda and her brood still live in exile in Brooklyn, and Samantha moved to what looks like Malibu to manage Smith's acting career. Carrie, meanwhile, is still in a relationship with Mr. Big...and she's somehow become a published author of three more books that I'll assume are filled with her schlocky I couldn't help but wonder type musings.
Carrie meets up with Big to go house-hunting on Fifth Avenue for "the perfect apartment" ... and we learn that this is the thirty-third place they've looked at. The realtor, who already got a quick look at the place, makes an ew face and tells them it's "the worst" ... and after they briefly check it out and concur about it being the worst, Carrie tells the selling agent to let them know if anything else opens up 'cause they're very interested in the building. The agent says in fact there is another apartment that just opened up...and they're welcome to look it over even though it's way beyond their budget. He presses the PH button inside the elevator (penthouse!) and they enter a spacious apartment that's bathed in sunlight and has elegant French doors leading to a private terrace. Carrie wanders around the apartment looking transfixed, pronounces that she's in "real estate heaven", then acts all weird as she stares vacantly into space and coos at no one in particular, "Helloooo. I live here." The selling agent chuckles and tells Big his wife has "quite a sense of humor", and Carrie breezily retorts that Big is merely her boyfriend. When they're shown to the master bedroom, Carrie scrunches her horsey face in disappointment at the teeny tiny adjoining closet. Big says he can build her a monstrous closet, then grins and says, "Welcome home, baby", which fuuuuuuuuuuuck...it makes me cringe every time Mr. Debonair McDouchewad refers to Carrie as baby. Carrie pretends to look concerned about the money he's going to have to shell out for what is surely a multi-million dollar property and asks, "Can we afford this?" and he's like, "If by we you mean me, then yeah."
Carrie is excitedly gabbling about the palatial penthouse to Charlotte and Miranda, and Miranda points out that since Big is paying for it he'll be the sole owner (assuming he doesn't put her name on the deed). Carrie says she's A-OK with that as long as her gal pals are green with envy that she gets to live in a fabulous Manhattan penthouse for no reason other than she managed to get her skanklet hooks into a bland rich guy who, after six looooong years, declared her "the one" so that the series could conclude with a contrived happy ending. A few seconds later, they meet up with Samantha, who flew into town so that the four could attend a special auction of jewelry owned by a scorned billionaire's girlfriend. Samantha has her heart set on acquiring a gaudily bejeweled flower ring...but when the bidding gets underway, she loses the ring to a mysterious over-the-phone bidder. The gals learn more about the sad tale of the billionaire's girlfriend from some random woman in the bathroom: apparently, she had been warned by her friends to get the billionaire to seal the deal and marry her...but she didn't listen and, without warning, got thrown out on the street when he tired of her. Yeesh. This billionaire sounds like a heartless assbag. Miranda shoots Carrie a this could happen to you too look, and Carrie stares concernedly into space.
That evening, Carrie tells Big she wants to sell her apartment and put the money towards the mortgage for their fancy new penthouse - presumably after she repays Charlotte the 30K she foolishly loaned her in Season 4, and whatever cash Misha threw her way to subsidize her mortgage payments so she'd be free to trail after him to Paris in the series finale. When Big seems confused by the notion of Carrie seeking to be an equal financial partner in their horrendous coupling, she points out that if he insists on paying for the penthouse himself, she'd have no legal right to it if he ever decides he's had enough of her shrill self-absorption and dumps her like yesterday's news. Big mulls that over and asks her if she wants to get married, and she pretends to contemplate what she's been yearning for since Season 1 and says she didn't think it was an option. He shrugs and says that marriage to her might not be the most horrific thing to happen in his life...and when she says she feels the same way, Big pronounces, "OK. We're getting married." Carrie squeals happily and says she doesn't need a huge diamond ring - just a huge walk-in closet to house her mountain of designer stilettos and fugly skankwear.
The next day at lunch, Carrie tells the gigolas that she and Big made a mutual decision to get hitched - and Charlotte shrieks with joy so loudly that everyone within hearing range in the restaurant glances over with annoyance in their direction. Charlotte explains to the hapless diners that her pathetic friend, who has been on a dysfunctional rollercoaster of a ride with her commitment-phobic boyfriend for the last ten years, is finally getting married...and the diners throw her a bone and explode into cheers.
Carrie calls Samantha in L.A. to let her know about her impending nuptials, and Samantha looks less than thrilled by the news. After abruptly hanging up, she calls Carrie back a few minutes later to explain that she was in shock 'cause she figured she'd never want to get married after the Aidan debacle. Carrie says it feels different this time, like she and Big are two grownups who made a decision to spend the rest of their lives together. Samantha grudgingly expresses happiness for her joy...then gets figuratively backhanded when Carrie appoints her to serve as maid of honor. Haha!
Anthony and Charlotte are over at Carrie's apartment to kick-start the wedding planning. Carrie announces that she already found her dress, then pulls out a label-less, boring looking creme colored skirt/blazer combo from her closet. Charlotte and Anthony look underwhelmed by her odd choice - but Carrie insists that she loves how "simple and classic" it is, and that it's definitely what she wants to wear when she ties the knot with Big. That seems completely out of character for someone who had no qualms about decking herself out in a ginormously layered ball gown for a mere dinner date with Misha when the two lived in Paris...but whatever, writers.
Charlotte is having dinner with her family when she sees a blurb about Carrie's impending wedding on Page Six of The New York Post. She immediately gets on the horn with Carrie and reads the blurb to her over the phone...and when Big asks what's going on, Carrie gleefully tells him that their wedding news made Page Six. He looks irked and asks how in blazes that happened, and she shakes her head and pretends to look utterly mystified.
Candice Bergen summons Carrie to her Vogue office to inform her that they're doing a spread on forty year old brides titled "The Last Single Girl", and for some God-only-knows-why reason, they want to feature Carrie in a multi-page spread decked out in bridal couture. When Carrie pretends to need time to think it over, Candice Bergen tells her to cut the shit and just nod for yes...and Carrie shuts her eyes and fake winces as she nods her agreement.
Photo shoot! We're subjected to a nauseating montage of Carrie mixing with famous photographers and the Vogue fashion elite (André Leon Talley!) wearing outlandish bridal gowns from all the top designers: Vera Wang, Carolina Herrera, Christian Lacroix, Oscar de la Renta, and Vivienne Westwood.
Not long after the shoot, Carrie receives a giant box in the mail...and inside is the poof-tastic Vivienne Westwood gown - sent from the designer herself. Vivienne gushes in a note about how the gown can only belong to Carrie given how faaaaaabulous she looked in it during the Vogue photo shoot - and Carrie squeals happily and immediately casts aside her boring skirt/blazer combo in favor of this '80s-esque monstrosity.
Carrie climbs into bed and reads her library book alongside Big. She natters about the book she's reading, which is called Love Letters of Great Men, then reads aloud some of the love letters and snarkishly asks Big why he's never written her anything resembling a love letter. Big says it's not his style...then points out that since he sees her every day, there isn't actually a need for him to write her letters. Fair 'nuff, I guess.
The following day, Carrie goes to the flagship branch of the New York Public Library to return her overdue books. When she sees flowers and catering arrive for a wedding, she perks up and decides that the building "that housed all the great love stories" would be the perfect venue for her and Big's wedding.
Miranda is out to dinner with her family (plus Magda), and Miranda bitchily tries to move dinner along so that she can hurry back home and work on a brief. When Magda and Brady go to the bathroom and are safely out of earshot, Steve tells Miranda to cool it with the bitchitude and let Magda finish her meal...and Miranda snappishly retorts that she's exhausted after Brady got her up at 5am. She takes a sip of whatever she's drinking and gets a foam mustache - and this prompts Steve to giggle and also take a sip so he gets his own foam mustache. Miranda manages a smile...but when she and Steve are going at in bed hours later, she gets impatient and barks, "Let's just get it over with!" Steve gives her a funny look, dismounts, and grumbles about the lack of sex in their soulless, deteriorating marriage.
At brunch the next day, Miranda asks the gigolas how often they have sex...and Charlotte shoots her the stink-eye as she motions at Lily and orders her to substitute the s word with something else. Miranda sees that Lily is coloring and opts for the word color instead, then recounts hers and Steve's embarrassing interaction in the sack last night. The gals are aghast and giddily discuss their sex frequency levels - except Carrie, who will only reveal that "when Big 'colors', he rarely stays inside the lines". Blech.
Carrie arrives at Big's apartment...and he emerges from the terrace, presses her against the wall, and the two start going at it. Blech again.
In L.A., Smith surprises Samantha with the gaudily bejeweled flower ring that had been up for auction earlier. She tells him she had planned to buy it for herself - but Smith says he really really wanted to give it to her for their anniversary (apparently they met five years ago that day)...and at her panicked urging, he clarifies that it's not an engagement ring. When she offers to give him a thank you blow job, he declines 'cause he needs to squeeze in a workout before going to bed so he can get up early for whatever he's currently filming. Samantha gets irked about how his busy work schedule is starting to preclude them from hitting the sheets multiple times a day.
As Samantha lounges in the hot tub, she watches her vapid (but mega-hot) neighbor, Dante, get it on with one of his floozies. She's so enamored that, from that point on, she spends her sex-less nights watching Dante get it on with whoever he happens to bring home. Weird.
Big brings Carrie to the Fifth Avenue penthouse, which is still under construction. He shows her the new closet (with double doors!) he had custom built...and - yeesh - it looks like the builders had to take out a lot of square footage from whatever was on the other side of that wall to create such an insane amount of closet space. Carrie squeals with joy and places a pair of blue stilettos she just bought on the gleaming shoe rack.
Carrie's apartment has sold quickly, which means we get to endure a gathering of the gigolas to pore over her wardrobe and help her pack. The three weigh in on each outfit - which Carrie puts on and prances around in while '80s music plays in the background, OMFG - by using signage to indicate whether or not the item is worth packing and moving to Big's place. After a stupid amount of time is spent on that, the stuff eventually gets all packed up...and after the furniture is cleared out, Carrie glances around her apartment one last time before exiting for the last time. And by the last time, I mean until shortly after she's jilted at the altar by Big and has to re-purchase the apartment at an inflated price. Bwahahaha!!!!
Steve makes a stricken-faced confession to Miranda that he thrust his chubby inside another woman - but that it only happened once and didn't mean anything. Miranda glares at him for several seconds, shrieks, "Do not follow me!", then storms out of the kitchen. When she enters the bedroom, hours later, she stands beside the bed and stares daggers at Steve. He assures her, "It's still me" and she replies, "Is it..?" and stalks out of the room. Ouch.
At the next brunch summit, Miranda tells the gals that she and Steve are splitting up 'cause of his one-time infidelity. Samantha urges her to reconsider and says, "Anyone can have a slip" - but Miranda remains firm and bitchily says she's kicking him to the curb 'cause he violated her trust.
Carrie wants to discuss wedding planning with Big - but he's too distracted by an email chain from the contractor who's renovating the penthouse and has pushed back their move-in date even further. I'll bet that stupid closet ate up more of the renovation budget and timeline than was originally expected. Carrie ignores him and blathers on and on about the guest list, which is now approaching two hundred people. Big's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and says he thought they had agreed on a smallish wedding. Carrie tells him that when word of her poofy Vivienne Westwood gown reached the masses, it "upped the ante" for the wedding. Big gets irked and snaps, "It is a circus!" and reminds Carrie that having a huge wedding his third time around is going to make him look foolish, and that he would have much preferred quietly tying the knot at City Hall. Carrie hangs her head in shame and mutters that it's prolly too late to change the venue to City Hall and cancel all the arrangements...and Big's like, "Well duh" and says he had refrained from expressing his real feelings about the whole thing so he wouldn't have to look at her horsey face contorted into a sad expression.
Rehearsal dinner! Carrie and Big arrive at a restaurant and join their guests at a huge dining table. As maid of honor, Samantha gives an obligatory toast to the happy couple...and one of Big's colleagues mocks him for being a groom for the third time. Big looks less than amused and stares glumly into space.
Steve arrives at the restaurant and asks Samantha - who's hanging out front, smoking cigars with the menfolk - if she could please go inside and fetch Miranda. When Miranda emerges, Steve explains that he crashed the party 'cause she refuses to answer his phone calls...and Miranda gets all snappish-bitchy and screeches, "You broke us!" which prompts laughter from a random group of young passersby. She growls at him some more about how she changed who she was for him (dunno what she's referring to with that) then storms back inside. A few seconds later, Miranda runs into Big and blurts out, "You two are crazy to get married. Marriage ruins everything!" and Big stares contemplatively into space as he mulls over that pearl of wisdom. Later, Carrie finds a mopey looking Big drinking alone at the bar and asks him if he's OK. He tells her he's just tired...and she obliviously gives him a big smooch and calls it her "last single-girl kiss".
The gigolas spend Carrie's "last night as a bachelorette" at Charlotte's apartment...and they all lounge around the master bedroom gabbling about Big's and Carrie's stoooopid relationship. Big interrupts when he calls Carrie on her cell and asks her if this is something they really want to do, then quickly adds that he's A-OK with their common-law arrangement and doesn't want to screw it up. Carrie assures him he won't, that they've both done everything humanly possible to screw up their turd of a relationship, and that he's marrying her - no one else. Big contemplates that and says goodnight while Carrie stares at the phone and scrunches her face concernedly.
Wedding day! Carrie emerges from Charlotte's bedroom decked out in her poofy designer gown...and for some unfathomable reason, she has an aqua-colored bird stuck to the side of her head. What in the fuckety fuck, Pat Field? As she's being fussed over by the gigolas, Big is frantically trying to reach her on her cell. Lily finds the ringing phone, hangs up on Big (hee!), and stuffs the phone into her little cupcake purse. Everyone heads outside to the waiting limos...and we hear Big leave Carrie several voicemail messages, then nonsensically explain, "I need to know that it's still us, you and me, like you said." [It is, idiot. She assured you of that less than twelve fucking hours ago.] In the next scene, his limo pulls up behind Carrie's limo in front of the library...and as he watches his non-bride-to-be exit the car, he murmurs, "Come on, baby. Turn around. Let me see you" - but gets visibly deflated when Carrie's veil obstructs her horsey face from view. When Carrie et. al. enter the library, Anthony and Stanford inform them that Big hasn't arrived yet...and Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and barks at no one in particular to give her a phone so she can call Big to find out whassup. Stanford hands her his phone...and when Carrie gets Big on the line, he tells her he was parked out front - but that he just left 'cause he can't bring himself to "do this". Carrie's all, "OMG!" and lets the phone slip out of her hand in dramatic slo-mo...and her face turns grey as she miserably blurts out, "He's not coming!" The gigolas gasp in shell-shocked horror and hustle Carrie out the back and back into the limo so she can flee in private...and as Big is being driven away from the library, he suddenly stares wild-eyed into space and exclaims, "What the fuck am I doing?!" and orders his driver to hit reverse so that his limo can intercept Carrie's limo. When Carrie's limo passes his, her driver quickly pulls over...and when an enraged Carrie bursts out of the car, Big tries to explain that he freaked out for a minute but now feels ready to exchange I dos - but Carrie ignores him and starts beating him with her bouquet while shrieking, "I. Am. Humiliated!!" as if a flower beating in the middle of the street isn't monumentally adding to her public humiliation. As the petals swirl around a bewildered Big, the gigolas steer Carrie back to her limo...and Miranda and Charlotte shoot Big an extra stinky stink-eye before they climb into the limo and drive off. Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
Carrie retreats back to Charlotte's apartment and sips hard liquor while staring despondently into space and muttering to the gals about how numb she feels. Samantha wonders aloud what on earth got into Big and that he seemed fine at the rehearsal dinner, but Carrie says she knew that something contrived was taking shape when he called her last night. She sadly says she booked a honeymoon trip to Mexico and charged it to her credit card 'cause she wanted to surprise Big, and Samantha assures her she can get her out of that...and that if all else fails, she'll tell the travel agent that there was a death. Carrie self-piteously asks, "Wasn't there?" and resumes drinking.
Miranda pulls Charlotte aside and tells her she snapped at Big at the rehearsal dinner about how crazy he and Carrie were to get married, and can't help but wonder if that was the reason he ditched Carrie at the altar. Charlotte points out that Big has been weird about marriage for years, and that this would be a very bad time to mention any of this to Carrie. Samantha breezes into the room and says she couldn't get Carrie out of her expensive honeymoon - so instead she booked the three of them to join her in the luxury Mexican villa. Olé!
The gigolas arrive in Mexico and confuse the resort's staff, who thought the reservation was for a honeymooning couple. Carrie retreats to the nearest bathroom to stare at her sad, bloodshot eyes, then splashes water on her face. The other three gasp in horror when they discover rose petals in the shape of a heart atop the bed in the master suite. After a quick sweep of the petals, Carrie lumbers into the room, collapses onto the bed, and orders someone to close the shutters.
After sleeping in the darkened room for the next two days, Carrie finally emerges as the gals are eating breakfast on the patio. Later, the four lounge in the sun and read magazines...and Samantha is aghast at the crotch bushiness bursting through Miranda's swimsuit. Miranda points out that she didn't know she'd be wearing a swimsuit, then says married working women have a set of priorities that doesn't involve regular waxing. Or a razor. Samantha quips that she could be on death row and "not have that situation" and Miranda gets all defensively bitchy and interprets this to mean that Samantha is blaming her for Steve's adultery. After she huffily storms off, Carrie suggests they all go out to dinner tonight 'cause she needs something to jolt her out of her Mexi-coma, and Samantha praises her for feeling cheered up enough to be able to make a cute word play.
At dinner, a glum Carrie self-piteously asks, "Will I ever laugh again?" and Miranda assures her she will when something is really really funny. Carrie recounts her disastrous wedding day, in particular how Big was unable to get out of the car, then chides herself for "throwing it all way" (it remains unclear exactly what it is) just so she could put his name on the honeymoon suite. Samantha changes the subject to herself and says she can't believe that her life currently revolves around a man, then complains about how Smith bought her the gaudily bejeweled flower ring that she had wanted to buy for herself. After that, the four mock a couple who's enjoying their honeymoon by brazenly tonguing each other at a nearby table.
During another lounging session in the sun, Miranda tells Carrie that the people who bought her apartment are willing to sell it back to her for an insanely inflated price. Sounds like a stupid financial decision, but it's Carrie, so..
After a workout and shower at the resort's gym, Charlotte heads back to the villa. As she walks, her stomach starts to make rumbling noises...and she clutches her abdomen and picks up the pace. When she finds the doors to the villa locked, the gigolas tell her that the housekeeper is inside vacuuming. Charlotte stares into space with a look of horror on her face when it's clear that she's unable to keep from taking a dump in her pants. The gigolas, including Carrie, laugh uncontrollably at the spectacle...which, I guess, means Miranda was right: Carrie would learn to laugh again when something was really really funny. Like pants pooping. Which, in the SATC universe, is really really funny.
Later, Carrie mopes on the beach by herself. She pulls out her cell phone and listens to a voicemail from Big saying he needs to talk to her, and she responds by angrily throwing the phone into the ocean...and that's the end of her iconic pink bejeweled phone.
Post honeymoon trip, Carrie stares with dismay at all the boxes stacked up in her apartment then decides, "Why not needlessly blow money on hiring an assistant to perform tasks that I could just as easily do myself?"
Carrie interviews various candidates who are woefully unsuited to be her assistant: a vapid blonde who panics when she suspects that non non-fat milk is in her coffee, an older woman who showed up to the interview visibly drunk, and an Asian man who favors pink pumps. Eventually she stumbles upon a normal candidate who originally hails from St. Louis - hooray, it's Jennifer Hudson...the only likable cast member in this shittastic movie! - and she has a degree in computer science and superb organizational skills. When Carrie asks her how she can afford the designer purse she's toting around, Jennifer tells her it's a rental from 'Bag, Borrow, Steal': the Netflix of purse rentals. Carrie's all, "Wuh? How can I not know about this?!" and Jennifer grins and retorts, "Stick with me. I'll hook you up." Carrie wisely hires her on the spot.
Jennifer Hudson hits the ground running as Carrie's superfluous assistant by answering phone calls, unpacking her many boxes, and returning the small mountain of wedding gifts. Carrie tiptoes around her and quietly goes about her business in the background.
Miranda drags Magda and Brady around lower Manhattan as she hunts for an apartment in Old Ukraine-ia. Ho hum.
Carrie looks after Lily so that Charlotte can go to her doctor's appointment. Carrie reads Lily Cinderella, then warns her that life doesn't always have a happily-ever-after ending on account of so many men in the world are shitwads...and Lily's like, "Yeah, whatever. Read it to me again!" LOL. A few seconds later, a beaming Charlotte returns home after her appointment and tells Carrie that, against all odds, she is pregnant.
Samantha complains to Smith about how she has no connection to their life in L.A., and Smith says it prolly has something to do with the way she jets off to New York every chance she gets. Samantha poutishly says she's starting to resent being his manager, 'cause everything's always about him - and not her. The way she prefers.
Jennifer Hudson is going through Carrie's emails and sprucing up her website: carriebradshaw.com (no longer a URL - I checked). Jennifer asks about the emails from a certain Mr. Big...and Carrie contorts her face into a stricken expression and asks Jennifer if she would please redirect his emails to a cyberspace place she never has to visit 'cause she wants to permanently end all communication with the douchefuck. Jennifer clucks disapprovingly, but dutifully redirects his messages to a password protected folder.
Carrie and Miranda are out shopping for Halloween stuff when Carrie spots the Vogue issue that features her bridal couture spread. Miranda grabs a copy and reads aloud the footnote to the article, which states, "Bradshaw is still an unmarried single loser, still living in New York City". Carrie buys a copy of the magazine with the logic that there will be one less in circulation...then rushes home, her eyes darting around in paranoid fashion as if any New Yorker, in or out of her immediate orbit, could possibly give a rat's ass about her current marital status. She then flatters her self-importance further and goes "incognito" by getting her rat's nest dyed a mousy brown.
Jennifer Hudson meets Carrie at a coffee shop, is startled by how unnoticeable she is in her shitty looking new 'do, and gives her her new cell phone that has area code 347. Carrie makes a weird deal about the new area code and snarks about how she's always been a 917 gal, and Jennifer tells her to buck up 'cause 917 no longer available.
An intrigued Samantha watches Dante sexily canoodle on the beach with yet another floozy, pulling off her bikini top in the process.
Samantha distracts herself from Dante's doinkfests by mindlessly shopping. She sees a little dog for sale...and is so charmed by his constant need to masturbate (despite being fixed) that she decides on the spot to become a pet owner.
Jennifer Hudson asks Carrie if she should get rid of the Vivienne Westwood monstrosity - but Carrie says the gown is far too beautiful to discard. She moans about missing Big every day, but that since she used up all of her tears on the fucktard, she's no longer able to cry about his jilting of her at the altar. When Jennifer tells her that she too is broken-hearted over an ex-boyfriend, Carrie decides that they need a cocktail...and the two head over to the nearest bar to bond over their loneliness.
Carrie decides, "Why not needlessly blow money on redecorating my apartment?" and takes Charlotte along when she goes desk shopping. She tells Charlotte that Harry called to report that she (Charlotte) has abandoned her running routine ever since becoming pregnant, and that he's concerned. Charlotte says she's afraid to run 'cause she's sure that something bad will happen, then reminds Carrie that it's a miracle she's even pregnant. She tears up and wails, "No one gets everything they want!" so Carrie reminds her that she shit her pants in Mexico...and that that is sure to cover all things bad in her life for the foreseeable future.
Charlotte brings her dog brood to Central Park and slowly breaks into a run...and once winter arrives, she's back to being in full-on jog mode. Fantastic.
Jennifer Hudson is finishing up going through a stack of Carrie's mail before she heads home to St. Louis for the holidays. She gives Carrie her Christmas gift - the DVD of Meet Me in St. Louis - and in exchange Carrie gives her a big Louis Vuitton box that contains her very own designer purse...and Jennifer Hudson squeals really loud with pure, unadulterated joy.
New Year's Eve! Carrie is passing the evening eating a cup of noodles while watching Meet Me in St. Louis. Downtown, Miranda gets Brady ready to spend the holiday with Steve...and when Steve arrives to pick him up, he and Miranda exchange awkward chit-chat. Ho hum.
Later, Miranda calls Carrie (who went to bed hours ago) to moan about how lonely she is...so Carrie puts on a tacky fur coat over her pajamas to dash out into the cold, hop on a subway, and arrives at Miranda's just as the clock strikes midnight. We also get a montage of Samantha and Smith celebrating the New Year in front of a cozy looking fire, Jennifer Hudson at a party and staring longingly at her ex-boyfriend, and Charlotte and Harry enjoying a night in with Lily.
Fashion week! The gigolas somehow get front row tickets to a fashion show and natter about the various relationship dysfunctions going on in their lives. Charlotte tells Carrie that if she ever runs into Big, she has the perfect zinger: I curse the day you were born! Carrie pretends to look impressed, but advises her to think up a hand gesture to go along with that. After the show, an animal rights protestor throws red paint on Samantha's white fur coat and chants, "Mur-der!" and Samantha tears up and says, "God I miss New York!" Har har.
Carrie meets up with Miranda for a Valentine's Day dinner in a restaurant that has an insane amount of balloons and streamers hanging from the ceiling. Carrie laments having done the Vogue shoot and is just noticing that throughout her interview for the magazine, she made the wedding all about herself - not her and Big - and now realizes that her self-absorption is the likeliest reason he didn't want to get out of the limo on their wedding day. Well duh. Miranda's like, "Uh, about that.." and finally confesses what she blurted out to Big during the rehearsal dinner party...and Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?!", abandons the theory she just formulated a minute ago, and blasts Miranda for ruining her marriage. Before she bitchily storms off, she tells Miranda she's been secretly thinking what a UGE mistake it was for her to separate from Steve 'cause of one extramarital doink, then barks, "There! How does it feel?!"
Samantha has spent Valentine's Day making sushi, and is now laying atop the kitchen table with sushi covering her naughty parts as she awaits Smith's arrival. A few seconds later, the phone rings...and it's Smith, telling her that filming is running late. Forty minutes later, Samantha gives up on her sushi sex romp and climbs off the table, leaving a trail of sushi behind her as she rushes over to the window so she can spy on Dante getting it on with two buxom women. For some reason, her voyeurism makes her hungry, and it's about this point in the movie that she starts snacking excessively while watching Dante.
When Smith arrives home, three hours late, Samantha snappishly tells him how hard she slaved away all day to make sushi for him. He shrugs and says it can't possibly be that big of a deal...and Samantha retorts by throwing a plateful of sushi at him and shrieking, "I am not the type of woman who sits home all day waiting for a man!" After she storms off, Smith pulls a heart shaped gift from his bag and stares despondently into space.
After three days of Carrie avoiding her phone calls, Miranda stubbornly camps out in front of her townhouse in a cab. When Carrie finally makes an appearance, Miranda urges her to get into the cab, apologizes for the whole Big mess, and implores her to forgive her. Carrie points out that she should probably follow her own advice and give Steve the chance to apologize for cheating on her. Miranda mulls that over...and in the next scene she and Steve are in couples' counseling.
Steve tells Miranda that the cunty way with which she regularly treats him makes it hard for him to trust her, and that he worries that she'll punish him for his infidelity for the rest of his life. The therapist suggests that they consider risking Miranda's never ending wrath for the sake of their family, and somehow find a way to move past it so that viewers won't have to watch them revisit their boring marital problems in the movie's sequel.
Miranda tells Carrie that the therapist ordered her and Steve to spend a couple of weeks apart in order to think over if they truly want to resume their marriage...and if the answer is yes, they'll meet at a mutually agreed upon time and place: the Brooklyn Bridge on a sunny afternoon.
Jennifer Hudson informs Carrie that the swanky penthouse Big bought for them has been sold...and in other more important news, she's suddenly engaged to her former ex-boyfriend. She excitedly says she's moving back to St. Louis and getting married in the fall. Hooray!
On Decision Day, Miranda takes a final look at her pros/cons list to help her decide whether or not she'll reconcile with Steve. She takes a last sip of whatever she's drinking, gets a foam mustache, then grins at herself in a nearby mirror. She heads over to the Brooklyn Bridge, and looks relieved and happy when she sees Steve bounding toward her. The two hug, kiss...then later enjoy an evening of hot, sweaty sex.
Samantha ambles on the beach with her dog, looking sad and dissatisfied with her aimless L.A. life. The dog runs up the stairs of Dante's beach house, and Samantha cries, "That's not our house!" and chases after him and - [no] surprise! - walks in on a naked Dante taking an outdoor shower. The camera zooms in on his taut hairless body as he leisurely rinses and lathers...and when he notices Samantha ogling him, he shoots her a vapid come hither look and invites her to join him. Samantha reluctantly declines, then picks up her pooch and beats a hasty retreat.
Carrie throws Charlotte a baby shower in her newly redecorated apartment - and Samantha flies to New York for the occasion with her pooch and faux stomach paunch. When Anthony and the gals are all, "Whaddup with the spare tire?" Samantha explains that she's been stuffing her face while watching Dante's sexcapades - a noble alternative to doinking him behind Smith's back. She admits that she hasn't felt happy in her relationship for the last six months...and when she returns to L.A. she informs a bummed Smith that she's leaving him to refocus 100% of her energy back onto herself.
Jennifer Hudson wraps up her superfluous job as Carrie's assistant and tells her where all her files are, etc. Carrie shakes her head sadly and squeaks, "You brought me back to life." The two hug goodbye, and Jennifer leaves her with her love key chain in the hopes that Carrie too will one day find love.
A very pregnant Charlotte takes a break from shopping to go out for lunch...and as soon as she's seated, she spots Big across the restaurant. She becomes so upset that she gathers her shopping bags and prepares to flee - but Big spots her and and follows her outside. She yells at him for breaking Carrie's heart and delivers her zinger - "I curse the day you were born!" - then promptly goes into labor after her water breaks on the sidewalk. Big quickly ushers her over to his town car and rushes her to the hospital.
Carrie arrives at the hospital to congratulate Charlotte and Harry and meet baby Rose. Harry tells her there was plenty o' drama surrounding Charlotte's water-breaking 'cause of Big's involvement...and that he hung around the hospital for hours, no doubt waiting for Carrie to show up. When Carrie feigns disinterest, Harry tells her that Big told him he's been writing love letters to her, but she never responds. Carrie scrunches her horsey face in confusion and says he's never a love letter to her ever.
Carrie searches through her mail packets and goes online, searching for Big's alleged love letters...then gets a clue when she sees the online folder that Jennifer Hudson created. It's password protected...and after leaving a message for Jennifer and trying various passwords, she notices the love keychain that Jennifer Hudson left for her - and voila! - love ends up being the password. Inside the folder is a long list of emails from Big, where he plagiarized from Love Letters of Great Men. That seems lame and unimaginative. The last email on the list is a message that states: I know I screwed it up. But I will love you forever. Ugggghhh. Jennifer Hudson returns Carrie's phone call and reminds her that today is final day that she and Big have possession of the Fifth Avenue penthouse, which means it's her last opportunity to fetch the over-priced blue stilettos she left in the mammoth closet and, for some reason, never thought to retrieve earlier. Carrie ends the call and rushes off.
Carrie races to the penthouse and into the closet - and we see that Big is there, holding the blue shoes. He says he was going to return them to her...and Carrie dramatically drops everything she's holding and runs into his arms. The two smooch, then end up rolling around on the floor together (?) where they pontificate the abysmal communication in their dysfunctional rollercoaster of a shittastic relationship. She remarks on how happy they had been before deciding to live happily-ever-after, and Big regrets the complete absence of romance in their decision to get married. He props himself onto one knee, calls her the love of his life, and asks her to marry him. She nods...and to seal the deal, he puts one of the blue stilettos on her foot.
Wedding Day: Take 2. Carrie dons her boring jacket/skirt combo and weds Big at City Hall. As they walk out, she gushes to him about how perfect it was, 'cause it was "just you and me". When Big opens the exit door, the three gigolas are there to surprise Carrie...and they all shriek happily and fall into a group hug. Afterwards, they all go out for a casual post-wedding meal (with their plus ones, plus Anthony and Stanford), and it looks like everyone is having a marvelous time.
The movie wraps up with Carrie doing a book reading at Barnes & Noble, gabbling about her and Big's failed library wedding...and I can't help but wonder how a private guy like Big feels about his personal life being the central fodder of Carrie's frothy books. After that, the gigolas go out on the town to celebrate Samantha's fiftieth birthday, then toast, "To us and the next fifty!" Carrie voice-overs about friends and life some more...blah blah blah...and we see the next generation of skankily clad women tottering on stilettos as they go club hopping.
Phew! Brace yourselves for the needless sequel.
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Recap: After bumming around Paris for two weeks, Carrie voice-overingly declares that "it was time for the ultimate in sophisticated French fare": meeting your lover and his ex-wife for lunch. Carrie arrives at a fancy restaurant, her dark-rooted hair looking ratty and unkempt, and is directed to a table where an elegant looking brunette named Juliet is sitting. Misha, naturally, has pulled another no-show and calls Juliette on her cell to let her know that he's too busy with museum stuff to make it to their lunch. She snidely relays the message to Carrie, then criticizes the chairs in the restaurant they're eating in to be "hideous, hideous". Seems like a weird thing to rag on, but...I'll give her that, they are a tad fugly.
Charlotte has taken Anthony with her to shop for a simple new outfit for when she and Harry meet birth parents who have promised to give them their baby. She giddily says they're from Charlotte, NC and considers it a hopeful sign. Anthony jokes that it's very "TV movie of the week" - a well to do couple opening their Park Avenue home to a child of dumb toothless yokels. Charlotte argues that to her knowledge they're not dumb or toothless, but Anthony waxes on about how in the made-for-TV version of events, Charlotte will be played by Barbara Perkins (circa Valley of the Dolls), while he'll be played by Colin Ferrell. Charlotte manages to keep a straight face as she asks, "Do you think you look like Colin Ferrell", then assures him that he'll still have a significant real-life role in her post-baby life.
Samantha and Smith are getting their cropped hair dyed ash blonde...and after they're done getting blonded, they enter the changing area to change back into their clothes. (I didn't know it was a thing to get undressed at beauty salons during a coloring - am I living under a rock?) Smith chooses that moment to bring up the fact that they never have sex anymore and that he's been so troubled by it that he started seeing a therapist...and a depressed Samantha tells him that chemo has completely sapped her sex drive.
Back at the sophisticated Parisian lunch, Juliette tells Carrie she's been dying to meet her (say wuh?) then talks trash about Misha some more, specifically how his favorite phrase is "as soon as" and that he's a major shitheel in the promise-keeping department. She says they had a wonderful marriage while it lasted, but that she got tired of always coming in second - behind his large scale light installation art. Incidentally, it sounds like an unwieldy type of art form for Misha to have transported across an ocean so quickly. Juliet asks Carrie about her writing, so Carrie tells her she used to write a raunch column for a tabloid rag that somehow became a bestselling book...and, even more implausibly, was translated and published in France. Juliette looks surprised and asks her if Misha is OK with her success...and when Carrie says he's very supportive, Juliette murmurs, "People change" and puffs away on her cigarette before offering one to Carrie.
Later, Misha tells Carrie, who's slipped back into her stinky cigarette smoking habit, that Juliette gave her a rave review...and by rave review, she reported that she found Carrie to be "beautiful, smart, and chic". Hmm...Juliette seems pretty astute; it must have been the wine talking. Misha gets a call on his cell, and it turns out there's yet another museum emergency he has to get to STAT! Carrie scrunches her horsey face in disapproval and whines that she thought they'd be spending the whole afternoon together. Misha wearily chides her for making him feel bad when he's under so much pressure, and promises that they'll spend lots more time together after his exhibit opens. As he hails a taxi, Carrie puffs on her cigarette and asks him what he thinks about her restarting the disgusting habit, and he says that everyone in Paris smokes, and that it's "very sexy", to which she shrieks, "It's killllllling meeeeee!" Fingers crossed. She then wanders into a nearby cafe, eats lunch next to a large wrinkly dog, then takes a lonely, leisurely walk on a cobblestone street and accidentally steps in a soft turd of horse-shit. Awesome.
Late that evening, Misha returns to the hotel room...and the show does the tired old thing where Carrie pretends to be asleep, but is really awake and staring unhappily into space.
Over in Brooklyn, Steve's ma seems more loopy than usual as she slurs her words and continually refers to Brady as L'il Stevie. Steve tells Miranda he's worried about her mental state and wants to swing her by the ER to make sure her that her brain is in reasonable working order.
Smith is packing for his upcoming movie production in Canada. Samantha is lounging on a chair, puffing on a reefer, and gives him permission to doink any hot actress who catches his eye. Smith gets annoyed and goes, "Are we here again? After everything?" and Samantha argues that she's doing her best to keep him by giving him permission to have sex while she's out of commission. Smith tells her her body just needs time to heal itself, and that by the time spring comes, her well-worn cooch should be back in business.
Steve and his ma return home from the ER, and Steve tells Miranda that the doctor deduced that she likely had a small stroke a week ago, which resulted in some memory loss. He wants her to stay with them tonight, and that he's going to swing by her place to pick up her nightgown and a change of clothes. Miranda contorts her face into a sympathetic expression and offers to go with him.
Steve is shocked by the filthy state of his ma's apartment. He starts cleaning up a stack of dirty dishes and natters about hiring a maid...and Miranda interjects to tell him that his ma can come live with them. He stares back at her, stunned, and goes, "She can?" and Miranda follows up her uncharacteristic kindness by rhetorically asking, "Why else do we have that big house?"
Carrie is ambling around Paris in a pretty blue coat when she comes upon a bookstore and sees her book on display in the front window (as fucking if), then excitedly goes inside. She's leafing through a copy of it looking confused when a bookstore employee comes over to ask her if she needs any help...then pauses as she stares at Carrie, then down at the book, and realizes she's in the presence of the author. She immediately calls her coworker friend over - a lanky dude named Paul who exclaims, "I 'ave zee zex! She 'as zee zex! We all 'ave zee zex!" - and the two nauseatingly gush over Carrie and the raunchy musings in her book. The two are so delighted at meeting Carrie in person that they offer to throw a party in her honor on Saturday night.
Carrie excitedly tells Misha about her Parisian fan base, and their offer of a party on Saturday night. He says he won't be able to make it 'cause he's unveiling his light show to the museum curator that night - but he urges her to go to her "throngs of screaming fans" and have fun. I'm not sure if, by that comment, Misha was being jokey or a sarcastic dick. It's a toss-up.
Charlotte and Harry host a 'meet and greet' at their swanky apartment for the yokelly North Carolina couple - and, hey, the wife is the original Becky from Roseanne! Becky tells them that the baby is a girl, and that she's been thinking over various names she likes. Charlotte's face falls as she flatly asks, "We're not getting the baby, are we?" and Becky sheepishly croaks, "We changed our mannnnds." Harry irritably asks them why in blazes they came all the way to New York and put them through this, and the husband shamelessly tells him they've never seen New York City and thought that an expense paid trip might be nice before they get too tied down with a new baby. In the next scene, Harry informs Charlotte that he's composing an angry email to their baby lawyer, and Charlotte reminds him that the lawyer warned them this could happen...and that their real baby will soon be en route from somewhere.
Samantha arrives at her office and is pleasantly surprised by a pretty bouquet of soon-to-bloom tulips that Smith had had delivered. She reads the note that came with it - Looking forward to spring - and promptly calls him to rescind her permission for him to have sex with hot actresses while he's filming.
Carrie is about to leave for her party in a flouncy ballerina dress when she notices that Misha is having trouble with his cufflinks due to a contrived wigout about his grand unveiling. Carrie urges him to breathe while he natters about how worried he is that everyone will think he's "an old man with silly light machines" ... and, well d'yuh, considering the high probability of this bizarre art form entering overlit and tacky territory, it's a definite possibility. He begs her to come along and give him moral support at the museum, and Carrie reminds him that she has her party and that she has no way to get in touch with the planners in order to cancel or postpone. Misha doesn't give a rat's ass and is like, "Pleeeeeease, I neeeeeeed you there" so Carrie reluctantly agrees to indulge his sudden bout of insecurity.
When the two arrive at the museum, they agree to hold hands all evening...but when the curator greets Misha with applause and barks, "Genius! Genius!" Misha promptly lets go of Carrie's hand and makes a beeline over to where the curator is standing to be further gushed over by him and his group of flunkies.
Steve's ma is continuing to call Brady Lil Stevie and is nattering about wanting to take him to the zoo. Miranda rolls her eyes at Charlotte, who dropped by for a visit, and complains that ma has several bad days for every one lucid day. A few minutes later, it dawns on Miranda that ma had her coat on, then sees that the front door is wide open. She snaps, "Shit!" and tells Charlotte to watch Brady while she goes out to look for the nutter.
Over in Paris, Carrie sits on a bench at the museum as Misha continues to be gushed over by the museum folk. Calm down, people. It's just light installation art. Out of boredom, Carrie digs through the contents of her purse and suddenly perks up when she finds her Carrie necklace, which had somehow slipped inside a hole in her purse's lining. Awww...I guess this means she "found herself" after living in servitude to Misha for the last two weeks. As the song La Belle et le Bad Boy starts up in the background, Carrie quietly squeals with joy, then rightly decides fuck Misha! and races off to see if she can still make her party. She tries to hail a cab but doesn't have much luck...and by scripted coincidence, Mr. Big is sitting in the back seat of a limo amid the traffic at that exact moment, but doesn't notice her. Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, Miranda finds Steve's ma eating pizza out of a trash can. She snatches it out of her hand, steers her back home, and takes her straight to the bathroom for a badly needed hosing-off. Magda sees her sponging cleaning ma and looks impressed.
Carrie finally manages to catch a cab and arrives at the restaurant - but her party is no more...and a copy of her book has been abandoned on the table with a drink stain on the cover. Ouch. And haha! She gets visibly upset as she turns around and sadly exits the restaurant.
When Carrie returns to the hotel, she unleashes her anger on Misha for making her miss her party and then abandoning her at the museum. Misha rolls his eyes and says they can discuss this in the morning...and she glares at him incredulously and snarks, "I'm in this relationship too!" and reminds that she didn't give up her life in New York to wander the streets of Paris alone. Misha's like, "Whatevs. I'm taking a shower and going to bed" - but when Carrie tries to pull him toward her, he lifts his arm and inadvertently backhands her across the face, which snaps her diamond necklace and causes the gems to spill into her cleavage. She clutches her cheek and stares at him in self-piteous horror, and he insists he's pretty sure that the smack was an accident. He adds that he thought he had been clear about what a self-absorbed tool he is, and Carrie climbs atop her sassy horse and says it's time she was clear about what a self-absorbed tool she is. She then natters about how she's looking for love, as in "real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love". She adds that nothing resembling that kind of passion is in this expensive suite, blames herself for agreeing to move to Paris (as well she should) and admits that she never should have come (no fucking duh). Misha masks his relief at the bullet he's in the process of dodging, and just stares dully into space as Carrie gives him a goodbye kiss on the cheek and departs his life forever.
Carrie is downstairs at the front desk, picking the diamonds out of her cleavage as she explains in unintelligible French to the desk clerk that she needs to book her own room. When the diamonds scatter onto the floor, she crouches down to pick them up - just as Big enters the lobby. When he spots her he grins and says hi, and she says hi back and starts to tear up about what a [predictable] mess her [ill-fated] Parisian adventure turned out to be, and that she and Misha got into a fight, which involved her getting a face smack. Big gets incensed and says he's going to storm upstairs to give Misha the what-for, so Carrie chases after him, insisting that he got it completely wrong. She catches up to him and gets close enough to trip him...and the two land in a heap and start giggling and rolling around on the floor.
Later, Carrie and Big take an evening stroll and gabble about how surreal this series finale is getting. Big says it took him a long time to "get here", then declares, "Carrie, you're the one" and Carrie shoots him a smug grin, then orders him to kiss her and take her home.
Harry informs Charlotte that he just got word from an adoption agency that they've been approved to become parents to a little Chinese girl, and that they can have her in six months. He shows Charlotte a photograph of the child, and she tears up, nods fervently, and says, "That's our baby!"
Smith takes a break from filming in Canada to fly back to New York and declare his love for Samantha. He's one hopeless sap, that Smith. Samantha looks touched and tells him he's meant more to her than any man she's ever doinked. Ouch, I guess she couldn't bring herself to return his I love you. The two start going at it.
After a speedy Paris-to-New York flight, Big and Carrie arrive at her brownstone. As she's about to walk up the steps, he rolls down his car window and says that since he doesn't live in New York, he doesn't have anywhere to stay. She coyly asks him if he wants to come upstairs, and he flashes her a maniacal grin and coos, "Abso-fucking-lutely" which - yes, writers, we get it - is an obnoxious shout-out to the show's horrific pilot episode.
Carrie bursts into the diner where the gigolas are brunching - and they gush and carry on as if Carrie's been gone for years. She then wraps up this wretched series by voice-overing about relationships, old and familiar, which "bring you somewhere unexpected" - and we're subjected to a montage of Charlotte and Harry walking their dog brood, Miranda and her family gathered around the table, and a naked Samantha shrieking orgasmically as she bounces atop Smith. Yeesh. Carrie struts down the street in a tacky fur coat, bloviating about how "the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself" at the same time she gets a call from Big [the man she unhealthily obsessed over for the last six years despite the show marketing itself as a proud promoter of feminism], who informs her that he just put his California house on the market and is returning to New York to seal the show's happily ever after ending.
Brace yourselves for the feature films recaps. %$#@!!!
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Recap: Carrie is pantless in her apartment, busily packing for her imminent, ill-thought-out move to Paris. She hits play on her answering machine and listens to a message from Misha, who jokingly tells her to stop packing 'cause there are clothes in Paris. He wishes her a safe flight and that he'll see her tomorrow. She's then startled by the next message on the queue: Big informing her that he's in town and wants to see her. She retorts by hitting delete.
That evening, Carrie leaves her apartment decked out in a flouncy pink dress...and is aghast when she notices Big's black car parked out front. He rolls down the passenger window and tells her he wants to talk, and she glances around anxiously and says she's on her way to dinner with the gigolas...but after a few seconds of hemming and hawing, she agrees to a short chat and climbs into the back seat. She half-heartedly apologizes for not returning his many calls 'cause of how busy she's been with "stuff" ... and when he tries to apologize for acting like his typical douchebag self during the Domino Effect episode, she cuts him off and assures him, "It's all fine". Stupefied by her breeziness, he invites her out for dinner tomorrow night, but she declines and says she's jetting off to Paris in a few hours to shack up with the rich Russian artist who's currently boning her. Big raises his brows and quips, "You're moving to France with a Ruskie?" and Carrie haughtily exits the car and angrily accuses him of always swooping into her life at the most inopportune times to shit all over her happiness. Big retorts, "I made a mistake. You and I -" and Carrie shrieks, "You and I - nothing!!" and admonishes him for jerking her around for the past six seasons. She screeches at him to forget he knows her - and her name! - and that after tonight he can drive past her brownstone all he wants, then loudly screeches, "Because I don't livvvvvvve here anymore!!" As she totteringly breaks into a run on her stupid stilettos, Big stares after her with a dumbfounded look on his big dumb face.
During dinner with the gigolas, Carrie bitches about Big's contrived reappearance in the two-part series finale - but Charlotte looks intrigued and thinks that Big might have indirectly, inadvertently implied that he might possibly love her. Carrie says she's done with his mindfuckery and is most upset that he ruined her last night in New York, then blurts out, "Fuck him!" and reminds the gigolas that she doesn't normally throw f-bombs around. She then switches gears and thanks them for wishing her well on her upcoming Parisian adventure, then says she had a thought today: "What if I had never met you?" Egads! The four tear up at the thought of how different their lives would be had viewers not been tortured with six sluttastic HBO seasons of brunch summits that chronicled their sexploitive relationship angsts, despite insisting in every fucking episode that they're independent career women who only need men for clitoral pleasure. As they sniff into their hankies, Samantha changes the subject and says that her chemo treatments have kicked her into early menopause and that she's having frequent, insanely hot hot flashes.
Carrie heads back to her apartment, where she changes into an unspeakably fugly blue outfit with fugly competing geometric patterns. Yeesh. When the airport shuttle service calls to let her know that a car will be at her place asap, she fishes her Carrie necklace out of her jewelry box and leaves her apartment for the last time...and by the last time, I mean for the two week period it's going to take for it to sink in that quitting her high paying raunch column job and moving to Paris with someone she barely knows and has zero chemistry with was an idiotic mistake of gargantuan proportion.
Samantha is at a breast cancer benefit planning meeting. She's sweaty, bored, and chides the committee's tired old idea of offering "that fucking breast cancer cookie" instead of giving the suffering women something more inspirational to latch onto. The chairwoman agrees, then promptly ropes Samantha into making an inspirational speech before introducing her. Samantha's all, "Wha-a-a?" and looks less than thrilled by the task.
Carrie, who's decked out in her fugly blue outfit topped off with a stupid blue hat, arrives in Paris and her cab drops her off at the fancy hotel she'll be living in with Misha. She checks in with the front desk, needlessly identifies herself as a New Yorker, and is told that Misha is currently hanging in the salon. Carrie sashays across the lobby and looks put off when she sees Misha sitting cozily with a cigarette puffing young woman, his arm lazily draped over her shoulders. When Misha spots her, he cries, "Carrie!" and introduces her to his daughter, Chloe...and Carrie perks up at the word daughter and squeals, "Oooh!" and greets Chloe in some carefully practiced sounding French. When Chloe rattles something off (in French), Carrie scrunches her horsey face confusedly and says she didn't grasp much from that 'cause she's still learning the language. Misha translates that Chloe is having a bad day 'cause of boyfriend troubles, and Carrie giddily says that all things sex-related is her department, then adds, "Tell me about the bum." Chloe responds by shooting her a hostile stink-eye for several seconds (!), then abruptly changes the subject and asks Carrie if this is her first trip to Paris. Carrie says it is, and that she got super excited at her first sighting of the Eiffel Tower. Chloe makes a blech face and says the Eiffel Tower light show at night is "hideous, just hideous" and Carrie's horsey face falls as she murmurs, "Oooh..." Misha then tells her that the only time Chloe is able spend with him is a few hours this afternoon, so Carrie offers to leave them to their visit while she goes up to their room, unpacks, and takes a nap. Misha then informs her that he has an early dinner with the museum people, but that he can meet up with her later.
Carrie is escorted to hers and Misha's room by a bellboy...and after she tips him, she looks around the lovely decor in fascination. She steps out onto the balcony and squeals gleefully when she spots the Eiffel Tower, and jumps up and down while clapping.
Ten hours later, Carrie is decked out in an insanely voluminous feathery green gown and stares out the window, looking wistful as she waits for Misha to show up.
Back in New York, Harry and Charlotte are going over their application for private adoption. When Harry complains about the competitiveness of the adoption market, Charlotte assures him that surely God will send them a baby from some remote corner of the world.
Late that evening, Misha returns to the hotel room and finds Carrie asleep - still clad in her monstrous feathery gown. He pokes her awake and explains that the museum dinner thing turned into a long drawn out thing with various sponsors, blah blah. She poutishly asks him why he didn't call, and he says he did, but that she had put a do not disturb thing on her phone to prevent it from ringing and interrupting her nap. The two start smooching, then get amorous as he tries to find his way beneath her dress's many feathery layers...and, nope, still no chemistry there.
Samantha is clad in her bra and panties as she reads aloud her breast cancer speech to Smith. He looks unimpressed, calls it stiff, and says he was hoping it'd sound more like her: crass and unfiltered. He then tells her that the best testimonials at AA are from people "who keep it real".
After a week in Paris, Carrie feels confident enough to brave the ultimate test for a vapid ex-raunch columnist: spend the day shopping at Dior. On her way inside, she slips on her heel, takes a painful looking belly-flop spill across the floor, then scoops up everything that went flying out of her purse. Bwahaha!
Carrie returns to the hotel with many shopping bags - and Misha refrains from asking her how in blazes she has money for all of this French designer wear, considering she no longer has a job or any prospects for a job. He's on the phone with someone about something museum related, and is unable to help Carrie deal with her newly contrived crisis: her Carrie necklace has suddenly gone missing. Egads!
Carrie wanders the streets of Paris with sadness etched across her face. She peeks into a restaurant window and sees four friends indulging in a French brunch summit, chatting and giggling the way she and the gigolas used to. Eventually they notice her staring longingly at them and look wigged out by her horsey-faced mopiness...and she beats a hasty retreat.
Miranda is feeding breakfast to Brady when she gets a call from Carrie, who moans about losing her Carrie necklace, and that Parisians don't seem to appreciate her brand of skankitude. Miranda barks, "Come home!" and Carrie says she just arrived...then concedes that abruptly moving to a foreign country she's never even been to before isn't as easy as she thought it'd be, and that she feels "sort of lost". She then confides something in Miranda that will be important to the finale's contrived plot twist: she can't stop thinking about Big, and what it would be like to be in Paris with Big [instead of a dour Russian with whom she has zero chemistry]. A few seconds after that reveal, Carrie runs out of change for the overseas call and is disconnected.
Samantha gives her "inspirational" speech to a roomful of breast cancer survivors - but sweat is pouring down her face to the point of ridiculousness, and her speech is too stiff and generic to be of much inspiration to anyone. Eventually she throws in the towel on enduring her hot flash and is all, "Ah fuck it!" and rips off her wig. The audience is all, "Wha-a-a?" but then every cancer survivor in the room who's donning a wig does the same and gives Samantha a standing ovation.
Charlotte stops by Carrie's apartment to collect her mail and glance around wistfully. The phone happens to ring at that exact moment...and it's Big, who declares via phone to Carrie: "I love you." Charlotte perks up and hastily picks up the phone.
In the next scene, Big arrives at a diner to meet with the gigolas. He ignores the stink-eyes he gets from Samantha and Miranda and openly admits to royally fucking things up with Carrie on numerous occasions. He then says he really does love the unclassy skank, and if they think he has even the slightest chance to kick-start a relationship with her before the final credits roll, they need to speak up now. The gigolas glance at each other for a few seconds before Miranda leans over to him and commands him, "Go get our girl." Fuuuuuuuck.
Carrie is wearing a strapless feather top while she and Misha hang out in a fancy Parisian bar. He surprises her with a stunning diamond necklace to replace the Carrie necklace she lost, then kisses her and apologizes for being so busy with museum stuff. A few seconds later, Misha's best friend Andre and his lady happen to enter the bar, spot Misha, and join them at their table. The three start nattering away in French and are oblivious to an uncomprehending Carrie, who looks visibly uncomfortable and touches her new diamond necklace as if to find some sort of reassurance that moving to Paris wasn't the most boneheaded decision she's ever made in her life.
Recap: Carrie meets up with her past/current/dunno? Vogue boss, Candice Bergen, for lunch. Candice invites Carrie to a party, then explains that since the guest list consists mainly of people in the art world, she'd like Carrie to bring Misha...along with a dateable male friend. She flushes with embarrassment and explains that the party is shaping up to be mostly couples, and that since she currently has no man nor any man prospects on the horizon, she was hoping that Misha could bring someone who's comparably arty and sophisticated. She then stares down at her plate and mutters, "Please never mention this conversation to anyone." When Carrie scrunches her horsey face in contemplation and says she's not sure if Misha is a 'set people up' kind of guy, Candice sternly reminds her, "I got you a job. You get me a man."
Carrie and Misha are at his fancy loft, getting ready for a dinner party for the gigolas, Stanford, and all of their plus ones. Carrie asks Misha if he has any single friends he could set Candice Bergen up with, and he mulls that over for a few seconds and says he has a food critic friend she might not find totally repulsive. He then announces that he's going to be in Paris next week in advance of the grand unveiling of his solo exhibition...and isn't sure when or if he'll be returning to New York. Carrie contorts her horsey face into a sad expression - until he invites her to give up the life she's established in New York to join him there for an unspecified period of time.
During dinner, Samantha decides it's the perfect opportunity to share her theory that her maid has been using her vibrator...and Misha's all, "Ack!" and cringes at her crass talk. The gals gently chide Samantha for bringing up this kind of raunchy ickitude during a dinner party, but she chatters obliviously about how the batteries in her vibrator are now dead, which apparently can only mean that the maid has been using the device to pleasure herself...'cause, yeah, that seems like a fun, sanitary thing for a maid to want to spend her leisure time doing. Misha makes an ew face at the ew-inducing visual of that while an anxious looking Carrie shoots furtive glances in his direction. Steve notices Misha's piano and asks him if he knows any Billy Joel songs, and Misha just shrugs cluelessly...so Charlotte steps up to the plate and asks Misha about his upcoming sculpture exhibit in Paris. He tells her that technically they're not sculptures, and Carrie hastily explains that his "sculptures" are actually large scale light installations integrated with video images. Uh huh. Say wuh? Harry smack-talks Paris for its snooty 'tude, then mocks Parisian toilet paper...and Misha counters by pronouncing Paris the best city in the world - ignores Steve when he warns, "Easy fella, you're talking to New Yorkers here" - and turns to Carrie and smugly says, "You'll see." The gigolas exchange confused glances, so Carrie clarifies that, yep, Misha has invited her to trail after him to Paris.
After dinner, the gals go upstairs to Misha's bedroom, where they pepper Carrie with questions about Paris. Carrie says that Misha sprang this on her before dinner and that she's still mulling it over. Charlotte gushily calls it exciting, while Carrie concurs that it's definitely a very romantic invitation. A few seconds later, Stanford interrupts their gabfest and orders them to rejoin the party 'cause he's having too hard a time pretending to be "one of the boys".
Post dinner party, Carrie forwards along to Misha the gals' various questions about Paris: how long would we stay? Where would we live? Would I be able to work there? Will my cell phone work there? Misha offers nothing in the way of coherent responses, except to tell her that since his left bank apartment is undergoing renovations, they'd temporarily live in a swanky hotel. When she asks him what she should do about her New York apartment, he says he'll happily pay for it...and when Carrie half-heartedly insists that she couldn't possibly let him do that, he says, "I have plenty of money, but I don't have plenty of Carrie Bradshaws." And thank goodness for that, 'cause one fictional Carrie Bradshaw is more than the world needs.
At the next brunch summit, Carrie gushes to the gals about the excitement of moving to Paris with her Russian luvuhh...and a disapproving Miranda asks her how long she's planning on being there, then gets all judgey about letting Misha pay for her apartment. Charlotte asks what he's promising, since her general life philosophy about men is if you like it then you should put a ring on it, and Carrie retorts, "The world!" and gets visibly annoyed when it's clear that her friends aren't more excited about her ill-thought-out plan to just pick up and move to France. Miranda says she simply wants her to think this decision through, and Carrie sourly says it'd be nice if her friends could be happy for her, then bitchily adds, "Especially when I've always been happy for them." After an awkward silence, Samantha invites anyone to engage in conversation about her tedious breast cancer storyline - but thankfully no one takes her up on it.
Carrie types up her column for the week, pontificating about over-examining an over-examined life. Or some such nonsense. Thankfully this turns out to be the series' last Sex and the City raunch column...to which I say hurrrrrrrrrrray!!
That evening, Charlotte, Elizabeth Taylor, and Harry are watching TV when Harry remarks, "Think someone's getting a little chunky..?" Charlotte assumes he's talking about her and moans, "Harrrrrrry!", but he clarifies that he's talking about the dog. Charlotte weighs her pet in the bathroom, and becomes alarmed when her eight pound dog has suddenly put on four pounds. The following morning she rushes Elizabeth Taylor to the pet store to buy some diet dog food...and the store clerk, who professes how much he loooooves Cavies, asks to hold her. When Charlotte tells him that she needs diet dog food 'cause her dog is getting too fat, the clerk feels around her abdomen and informs her that Elizabeth Taylor isn't fat - she's pregnant!
Harry rushes home after Charlotte left him a cryptic message about Elizabeth Taylor getting herself knocked up after her slutty dog park outing. Charlotte grumbles about how everyone around her is getting pregnant...and when Elizabeth Taylor trots into the room, Charlotte turns away and tells the pooch, "Mommy can't look at you right now" so she sadly trots back out.
Carrie and Samantha are hanging at a bookstore when Carrie complains about Miranda's open dislike for Misha...so Samantha explains that they're all just bummed about her imminent departure from New York. Carrie asks her if she likes Misha, and Samantha says that while he's an arrogant douche, he has the goods to back it up...which, I dunno 'bout that, but OK. Carrie wrings her hands about how she'd do someplace other than New York, and Samantha manages to keep a straight face as she assures her, "Believe me, your fabulousness will translate."
In the next scene, Carrie is ambling down the street with a pair of headphones on, listening to a French language learning CD.
As Carrie primps for Candice Bergen's party, Misha asks her if she's made up her mind yet about moving to Paris. Carrie says she still has plenty more questions on account of her entire life being in New York...and Misha gets bored by her endless hand-wringing and idly leafs through a book that's sitting atop her coffee table. She asks him if he'd be open to a long distance relationship, and he says that definitely wouldn't work for him, and adds, "I'm finished with New York. It's time for Paris." Carrie flinches at what she interprets to be an ultimatum and shoots a stink-eye at her reflection in the mirror.
Carrie and Misha arrive at Candice Bergen's party, along with Misha's food critic friend, a stumpy uggo named Martin Grable. As he heads over to the coat check, Candice Bergen glares at Carrie and admonishes her for pairing her up with a hobbit. Across the apartment, Kristen Johnston (one of Carrie's pre-SATC party friends), spots her and shrieks, "Carrie Bradshaw! Where the fuck have you been hiding?!" and Carrie looks less than thrilled about her hard partying past catching up with her.
Miranda trash-talks Misha to Steve, calling him pretentious. She remarks that Carrie acts all hoity-toity whenever he's around, and Steve chides her for not thinking any man is good enough for her friends. Miranda rhetorically asks him what the fuck large scale light installations are, and Steve chuckles and concedes that, yep, Misha is kinda full of himself...to which Miranda barks, "Thank you!" She then wagers that Carrie won't end up moving to Paris 'cause of everything she has going on in New York.
Over at Casa Bergen, Martin Grable is boring the shit out of Carrie with a discussion about New York state dairy products, and she politely excuses herself to make a beeline over to where Misha is sitting. She finds him being fawned over by a smitten looking Candice Bergen...and after Misha ambles off to get them some drinks, Candice comes right out and asks Carrie, "Why aren't I with him?" Carrie's like, "Uh, 'cause I am..?" then condescendingly adds, "What are you doing?" Candice Bergen starts babbling about how shallow the pool is for dateable men in her age range...and Carrie quickly bails on the awkward conversation and excuses herself to use the bathroom, where she finds Kristen Johnston snorting coke and lamenting being a forty year old party girl. She complains about the lameness of Candice Bergen's party, further laments about how they're the only single gals here...then tells Carrie to fuck herself when Carrie hastily points out that she's no longer a pathetic loser 'cause she's currently coupled up.
An irritated Charlotte is cleaning up a pee stain that Elizabeth Taylor left on the carpet, and is grumbling about how the dog is too pregnant to hold her bladder. Harry interrupts her bitching to tell her that the pooch is about to give birth in the bathroom [that was one speedy gestation period], and Charlotte perks up and rushes past Harry shrieking, "Elizabeth Taylor! Mommy's coming!"
Carrie and Misha chat with a power couple who makes documentaries and splits their time between India and L.A. Carrie points out to Misha that they seem happy with their long distance relationship - but he makes a face and says he much prefers having a lover available to him locally. Kristen Johnston, meanwhile, stumbles around the room asking if anyone has a light - and Candice Bergen tells her she doesn't have one, and that she can't smoke inside the apartment anyway. Kristen Johnston staggers over to the floor-to-ceiling windows and manages to pry one open, which seems like an improbably dangerous thing to be able to do in a high rise building. She starts railing about the recent no-smoking bylaws and how New York has ceased to be fun for washed-up single party gals such as herself. She moodily pronounces, "I'm so bored I could die", then promptly trips on her heel and falls out the window...and that puts a quick end to Candice Bergen's boring party.
That evening, the snow begins to falls...and continues to fall for many hours. Carrie stares wistfully out the window of Misha's loft, then turns to him and poutishly announces, "I want to go to Paris." Misha turns around and grins happily.
Elizabeth Taylor, meanwhile, has given birth to small litter of pups, and Charlotte holds two of the tiniest babies to the window so that they can see what snow looks like.
A few days later, the gigolas arrive at Kristen Johnston's funeral...and they all gabble about how the party girl's death is officially the end of an era. Carrie tells them she's decided to move to Paris, isn't taking anymore questions about her ill-fated decision, and that she quit her column (hurray!) 'cause her editor didn't like her American gal in Paris angle. The gigolas, except for Miranda, pretend to be thrilled by the news.
After Kristen Johnston's funeral, Carrie and Miranda amble down the street together. Miranda tells her that moving to Paris without any kind of long-term plan with a man she's known for little more than a month is a gigantic fucking stupid mistake, as was quitting her job 'cause being a New York raunch columnist is who she is. Carrie argues that it isn't who she is, but rather what she did. Miranda chides her for giving up her entire life to live in the shadow of Misha, and this prompts Carrie to nonsensically bellow, "I cannot stay in New York and be single for you!!" As she huffily storms off, Miranda screeches after her, "You're living in a fantasy!"
The episode ends with Misha taking Carrie on a romantic sleigh ride through snowy Central Park...and, nope, still no chemistry there.
Recap: Carrie and Misha are indulging in an amorous (but chemistry-free) canoodle in a restaurant when three of Misha's colleagues spot him and make a beeline over. Misha introduces them to Carrie: John Paul (hey, it's creepy Alberto from Scarface!), Lee (one of Misha's flunkies), and Audra (a snooty magazine editor sporting a tight bun). Audra pompously pronounces to Misha that "the world is waiting with breath that is bated" for his upcoming solo exhibition in Paris, then asks Carrie how his pieces are coming along. Carrie stares back at her blankly and says she knows nothing of these pieces or that he was even preparing for an exhibition...and when John Paul asks her if she's also an artist, she replies while keeping a straight face, "No, I'm a writer." As Audra peruses the menu, she asks, "Novels? New York Times?" - bwahahahaha! no! - and Carrie seems far less embarrassed than she should be when she says she's a raunch columnist for the fictional tabloid rag The New York Star. As Audra shoots her an incredulous you shittin' me? look, Misha chides her snideitude and tells her that Carrie's column is a witty regurgitation of her and her slutty friends' weekly sexploits and sex-related angsts...and Audra tries her hardest to not laugh and murmurs, "I'm sure." Misha grabs a nearby copy of The Star and starts reading aloud Carrie's most recent dreck, which is some superfluous raunch about how the last time anyone enjoyed the 69 sex position was in 1969. Audra looks aghast and this time shoots Misha her you shittin' me? look.
Charlotte and Anthony take Elizabeth Taylor for a walk, and the adorable pooch is repeatedly cooed over by complete strangers. Anthony remarks on all the action she's been getting on her short walk, then agrees with Charlotte that she's a very prancy little dog. Charlotte somehow deduces that this pranciness must mean that Elizabeth Taylor misses dog show competitions and is desperate to hit the circuit again.
Miranda arrives home to her unfinished Brooklyn house, looks around, and rolls her eyes with disdain. She bitches to Steve about how much her feet hurt after having to walk all the way home from the subway station...and when Steve suggests she slip into a pair of sneakers for that torturous walk, she snarls, "You can take me out of Manhattan, but you can't take me out of my shoes." She asks him if he installed her DSL line yet, but he tells her he was too busy putting up sheet racks in Brady's room 'cause he figured that giving their child walls would be more of a priority than Internet access. He hands her the stack of mail that came...and she gets giddily excited when she sees that the newest issue of her favorite gossip rag Tattle Tale has arrived.
Stanford and Marcus spot Smith and Samantha (who's sporting a long, dark haired wig in this scene) sitting together in a restaurant...and when they amble over, Smith invites them to join their twosome. A few seconds later, an admirer of Smith's gushes about how much his girlfriend loooooves him and asks for permission to take a picture...and Smith agrees, but only if the photo includes his friends. Marcus and Stanford lean towards him and smile for the camera.
While canoodling (spark-free) in bed, Carrie asks Misha for the deets on his upcoming exhibition, but her blows off her questions and calls any talk of his always off camera art installations "so fucking boring", which...yep, I can only assume. Carrie tells him she needs to get started on her very busy day of brunching and mindless shoe shopping, but Misha urges her to vegetate with him in his loft...and she agrees and ends up staying there for the next four days.
The gigolas, meanwhile, are at the brunch summit, waiting for Carrie to arrive. Miranda holds up her copy of Tattle Tale and tells Samantha (who's now donning an unflattering severe blonde wig) she has some disturbing news to break: Smith is a newly outed gay man. She hands Samantha the magazine, which features the photo that was taken by the gushy fan with the headline Boys-s-s night out? LOL. Samantha was cropped out of the photo, and Marcus looks very canoodly with Smith and is assumed to be his lover...while Stanford is referenced as "an unidentified older gay gentleman". LOL. Samantha just shrugs disinterestedly and says that ever since the genesis of her tedious cancer storyline, she refuses to sweat the small stuff. Charlotte gets a call from Carrie on her cell phone to tell them she's cancelling her appearance at today's brunch summit 'cause she's too lazy and inconsiderate to leave Misha's cosy loft. Miranda grabs the phone and barks at her to get her ass uptown pronto, but then Samantha takes the phone from her and assures Carrie they're fine, and that she should stay put with her hot man. After she hangs up, the three glance over at Carrie's empty chair...and then the camera pans over to the loft, where - blech - Misha is giving Carrie a foot rub.
When Carrie returns to her apartment, she hits play on her answering machine and is startled by several phone messages from Mr. Big, who urges her to call him asap. In the last message he whiningly asks her if she's not phoning him back 'cause he did something to tick her off, and she responds by hitting the delete button.
Carrie drops by Miranda's Brooklyn home-in-progress and proudly announces that she "deleted Big". Miranda looks impressed and says, "Wow, that's new" ... and Carrie explains that sometime after his snubbing of her during The Domino Effect episode, it finally penetrated her thick skull that nothing was ever really going to happen between them ($#@! if only)...but that she's A-OK with it 'cause of how serious things are getting with Misha. She describes their chemistry-free hookup as grown up, with no fuss or confusion about how he feels about her. She then pauses and scrunches her horsey face concernedly and says the only thing she's mildly [but should be far more] concerned about is that they have absolutely nothing in common [no zsa zsa zsu to speak of - which somehow was so crucial in the Season 5 finale] and that he doesn't seem to want to share anything with her about his work. A few seconds later, Steve arrives home, warmly greets Carrie, and says he brought them some dessert. He then kisses Miranda on the forehead and says he loooooves it when her gigola friends come over to hang...and Carrie grins stupidly and tells Miranda she wants them all to meet her Russian squeeze.
Carrie invites Misha to drinks Sunday night so he can meet her fabulous friends, and he pretends to be intrigued by the proposition and accepts. He tries to lure her back to bed, but she tells him she needs to get home to her computer 'cause she has a raunch column to finish before her looming deadline. Misha offers her the use of his fancy multi-monitor computer in exchange for one hour in bed. Carrie agrees, and the two smilingly sashay upstairs...and that's all I'm going to say 'bout that.
Post-doink, Carrie sits in front of Misha's large computer monitors and churns out her weekly drivel, nattering in a voice-over about sizzling romances, and whether even the hottest relationship can stop cold if the couple don't share their worlds with each other. Yawn.
Sam is treating herself to a pedicure when she overhears a couple of catty women discussing Smith's gayness, then cackle about Samantha being a fag hag. Samantha glares defiantly into space.
At the dog show (where Charlotte has entered Elizabeth Taylor), Samantha is complaining to Carrie, Miranda, and Stanford about being faux outed as a fag hag. Stanford sullenly says it's better than being referred to as "an unidentified older gay gentleman", then haughtily asks, "How can they just assume I'm gay?" and the gals stare over at him in bemusement and refrain from pointing out the obvious about the obvious. Carrie excuses herself to head backstage and check up on how Charlotte and Anthony are doing in preparing Elizabeth Taylor for the show...and things are not so great ever since Elizabeth Taylor got her period and started dripping blood all over the grooming table.
During the toy dog category judging, Charlotte bounds around the show ring with Elizabeth Taylor and makes it to the finals. During the final round of judging, the judge looks over the well coiffed pooches, flirtily checks out Charlotte, and likes what he sees so much that he awards the top prize to Elizabeth Taylor despite her blood dripping. As Charlotte and her sweet pooch skip around the show ring for their victory lap, the judge stares over at her dreamily.
While exiting the dog show, Samantha runs into a gay PR flunky named Tom who asks her for Smith's number. She's like, "Nice try, I'm fucking him" and Tom just laughs and goes, "Sure you are" ... and Samantha gets enraged at being a faux fag hag laughingstock.
Samantha ropes Smith into making a sex tape that will get "accidentally" leaked to certain media outlets and go viral on the Internet. The two doink doggy style, and Smith dutifully sticks to Samantha's script and "blurts out" what a fine piece of ass she is.
Charlotte and Harry take Elizabeth Taylor to the neighborhood dog park...and Harry urges Charlotte to let her off leash so she can make some dog friends. Charlotte agrees, but then immediately regrets it when Elizabeth Taylor is promptly humped by several little mutts.
During Sunday night drinks, the gigolas chuckle about Elizabeth Taylor's promiscuousness during her first dog park outing. Misha calls Carrie on her cell and tells her he's too wrapped up in his art work to come out tonight...and Carrie moans about how disappointed she is. After their call, he arranges for the restaurant to send their table an expensive bottle of champagne...and after the gals ooh and aww at his classy generosity, Carrie remarks that Misha is always encouraging her to be more spontaneous, then suggests that after they polish off the champagne, they should all stop by his loft so she can introduce them to her luvuhh.
The gigolas arrive at Misha's loft, giggling drunkenly. Carrie smugly points out that Misha's studio and apartment take up the entire floor of the building, and the gals look exaggeratedly impressed. Carrie bangs on the studio door...and an irked Misha answers and asks her why in blazes she's interrupting his work. She chirps that she's being spontaneous, then introduces him to each gigola. Misha nods hello at them, then turns back to Carrie and impatiently snaps, "When I say I'm working, I'm working. OK?" and slams the studio door shut in her horsey face. Haha! Awesome. A mortified Carrie turns around to face her friends, who all pretend as if they're suddenly tired and need to head home. Carrie opts to stay over at Misha's place for the night, and shoots the studio door the stink eye as she crosses the hall toward the apartment.
Miranda arrives home and canoodles with Steve, who's already in bed. She tells him she loves him for loving her friends and for doing all the home renos...and when he tells her he installed her DSL line, she lets out an excited squeal and mounts him.
Post-doink, Miranda visits Tattle Tale online and stumbles upon the sex tape that Samantha and Smith had made earlier. She stares at it in horror for a few seconds, then shuts down her computer, flees back to bed, and tries to erase the disturbing visual that's been seared onto her brain.
Carrie is so upset over the icy treatment Misha meted out to her friends that she marches over to his studio, all prepared to give him the what-for. When she finds him despondently slumped at his desk, she asks him whassup...and he mumbles that he's getting freaked out about all the expectations regarding his solo exhibition, and worries that it won't be enough for his art adorers. Carrie assures him he's brilliant and offers to be a sounding board for his angst-filled rambling if he thinks it would help. He agrees to open up and tells her that when he looked at his art today, he thought it looked stupid and flat...and mercifully the camera pans out as he natters on and on.
Recap: Carrie and Misha have been spending their evenings exploring various ethnic restaurants all over New York City...and we get a bunch of clips of them enjoying dinner in Italy (the Bronx) and Greece (Astoria). When he arrives at her brownstone for another evening of faux world travel, Carrie flounces down the front steps decked out in a stupid looking, long white ruffle skirt and chirps, "Where to tonight?" He says they'll be spending the evening in a mysterious place he's never been to before, then lifts up the grocery bags he brought along and says he'd like to cook dinner for them in her apartment. Carrie stares quizzically into space before slowly following him up the front steps.
In the next scene, the two are sitting on the floor in front of her coffee table, eating risotto. She sheepishly apologizes for the general shittiness of her apartment - but he tells her to stop, calls it "warm and lovely", and that it's "so you". He suggests they cap off their home cooked dinner with an espresso, but she tells him she doesn't have an espresso machine...and as they banter about how it's possible for a raunch writer to not own an espresso machine, a mouse suddenly scurries across her kitchen counter. Misha picks up a frying pan and flattens the rodent, then calmly suggests they go out for coffee...and Carrie cringes at the jarring rodent murder she just witnessed, then nods and agrees that, yep, they should probably go out for some coffee.
The gigolas are keeping Samantha company in the hospital, sucking popsicles, as she undergoes her round of chemo. Samantha notices the way Miranda is enthusiastically sucking her popsicle and cackles, "Steve is one lucky guy!" A nurse comes by and remarks on what a great time they're all having, and Samantha breezily retorts, "Cancer is hilarious!" then adds that she's going to Smith's upcoming movie premiere and plans to kick cancer's ass and that of the red carpet.
Carrie and Misha are out shopping for an espresso machine when Carrie tells him about Samantha's breast cancer - then hastily says she's definitely going to be A-OK. Misha glumly says that he once had a friend with breast cancer, and that she died...and Carrie stares over at him, her horsey face contorted in an expression of perplexed irritation.
Charlotte gets a call from her IVF doctor, who tells her that none of her latest eggs were viable. Harry sadly eavesdrops as she ends the call, then stoically tells him she's off to Central Park for a run.
Miranda and Steve are lounging in her bedroom, which is stuffed with clutter to demonstrate to viewers that they've suddenly outgrown her once spacious apartment. They're looking through the real estate listings in the newspaper in search of a bigger place - and Steve reads an ad for a three bedroom home that has outdoor space and a finished basement...but when he drops the bomb that it's a house in Brooklyn, Miranda calls herself a Manhattan girl and imperiously adds, "I don't like anything not Manhattan." This from a woman who derisively cut short a blind date in Season 2 'cause the guy stubbornly refused to experience anything of the world outside of Manhattan. Steve says they can't keep living like this - and to underscore the sudden crampedness of their living situation, Fatty and Scout let the fur fly in a contrived pet-on-pet fight, forcing a glum Miranda to agree to give the house in Brooklyn a once-over.
Misha makes Carrie an espresso...and she takes one sip, declares it far too strong for her delicate taste buds, and says it needs to be tempered with a bit of milk. Misha argues that milk will only ruin it and urges her to sip more slowly. Carrie complies, then invokes his callous reaction to her telling him about Samantha's breast cancer, and accuses him of being insensitive to her feelings by bringing up the story of his friend who died. Misha's like, "Er...OK, but my friend did die" and Carrie gets exasperated, snaps, "You're doing it again!", and insists that not everyone who has breast cancer dies. She natters about how Samantha's cancer was caught early, that she's having "the Cadillac of chemo", and is going to be OK...and him bringing up his dead friend is scaring her unnecessarily. When Misha retorts by once again bringing up his dead friend (!) Carrie angrily announces she's leaving and tries to quickly finish her espresso, but burns her mouth in the process. As she flounces toward the door, she suddenly whirls around and squeals, "All I can think about is your friend!" and Misha rolls his eyes and tells her she's acting like a child, to which she retorts, "And I think you're acting like an asshole!" Fuuuuuuuuuuck off, you two. Break up already.
At 3am the following morning, Carrie is laying in bed, still stewing about her fight with Misha. My guess is that Misha is tucked in bed at his fancy loft, sleeping like a baby.
Charlotte is doing stretching exercises in Central Park when an adorable King Charles Cavalier [who - OMG! - looks sooooo much like my sweet King Charles Cavalier, Molly] bounds over to her. Charlotte pets her and coos over her extreme cuteness as her crotchety owner, Trudy Stork, barks at her to come back, using her full name - Princess Dandyridge Brandywine (yikes). Charlotte gently picks up the pooch and carries her over...and Trudy tells her that she used to enter Princess in dog shows until it was discovered that she kept losing 'cause one of her hind legs is too short. Egads! Charlotte just shrugs and says she's very cute nonetheless, then bids the dog adieu and continues on with her run.
Miranda hops into a cab and tells the driver she needs to get to Brooklyn - but he growls that he doesn't go to Brooklyn. Miranda ponders that for a few seconds, says "Neither do I", and exits the cab. Take the fucking subway, idiot. It's the cheapest, most convenient way to get around the city.
As Samantha is going down on Smith, he tugs on her hair and unwittingly pulls out a small tuft. He mutters, "Oh fuck", and an embarrassed Samantha takes the tuft from his hand and turns her attention back to his penis...which has gone flaccid in the meantime. Awkward.
Carrie and Miranda are ambling along the street when Carrie mentions that Samantha started losing her hair while she was giving Smith a blow job. Miranda glosses over the ickiness of that disturbing visual and insists that Samantha is going to be fine...and Carrie tells her that Misha thinks they're all in denial 'bout that, so she retaliated by calling him an asshole. Miranda points out that Samantha's cancer was caught early and that she'll be fine, and Carrie concurs, though points out how many times she's said that Samantha is going to be fine, but insists that it's their job as her BFFs to maintain a positive outlook. Miranda changes the subject to herself and says that Steve wants them to move to Brooklyn, then complains that cabs won't drive there. &^%$#@!! Even if it were true that New York City cab drivers were actually permitted to refuse service to Brooklyn, take the fucking subway, idiot.
Carrie stares glumly at her new espresso machine as she wonders aloud if living in reality means having to live in pain and fear. As she churns out her weekly raunch, she throws out to her readership: denial: friend or foe?
Charlotte finds Harry doing some research on his computer about adoption. He explains that it's just a backup plan to IVF...and that if they put their name on some lists and make it to the top, they'll have various choices. Charlotte nods in agreement as she stifles her sadness and heads out for another run.
Charlotte runs into Trudy Stork and her adorable brood of Cavies. She asks Trudy if it's OK for Princess Dandyridge to have some of the turkey bacon she brought along, and Trudy snidely retorts, "Whatever, it's not like she's a show dog." Charlotte scrunches her face in disapproval and snappishly says that just 'cause someone doesn't perform the way you want, doesn't mean you should give up on them. She tears up, then explains that she's such an emotional wreck 'cause her and her husband's babymaking efforts are not going well.
Samantha takes Carrie along wig shopping - and she proves to be difficult and finicky about the available choices. She explains to the sales guy that she needs a fabulous wig for an upcoming movie premiere...but when he picks out a long blonde wig named Candy, Samantha derisively says she doesn't want to don a second rate wig named after a hooker and wants to look more like herself: a well-used cougar. The sales guy says that a wig is never going to look exactly like a woman's natural hair, then tells her in a low voice that he's worked with many women who have cancer. Samantha snaps, "I don't have cancer, I have a premiere", then tears off the wig, calls it bullshit, and huffily tells Carrie they're leaving. Carrie mouths sorry to the bewildered sales guy and toddles out after her friend.
At a nearby restaurant, Samantha explains to Carrie that she's just so angry about the breast cancer storyline, losing her hair, etc. Carrie assures her it'll grow back, and that the tumor was just a blip of bad luck. Samantha argues that the cancer could come back and she could die...and when Carrie assures her she's not going anywhere, Samantha tells her to shut it and let her openly blather about what she's afraid of. Carrie contritely says, "I'm here" and Samantha decides it's probably best to just shave it all off, then sadly pronounces, "Cancer...turns out, not so hilarious."
At home, Samantha takes a razor to her head to regain some control in her life...and as she's doing that, Smith drops by to see whaddup about her not wanting to attend his movie premiere. When he appears in the doorway of the bathroom, she tries to hide the side of her newly shaven head...but the jig is quickly up when he sees hair all over the sink. Samantha admits she's shaving her head, and that this whole cancer thing is scary and awful, and there's no possible way he can relate to what she's going through. Smith tells her he really wants to be there for her...and to demonstrate, he picks up the razor and - ack! - starts buzzing off his luxurious blonde locks. When Samantha stares at him, aghast, he grins and says that when he's done "cue balling here", he's moving on to her and she looks very touched...as well she should, since she in no way deserves a man who's this loyal, kind-hearted, and smokin' hot.
Miranda, Steve, and Brady (and Scout!) are looking over the house that's up for sale in Brooklyn. Miranda is visibly unimpressed by all the stuff that isn't in proper working order and snarks that there's no way the gigolas will ever be willing to cross the bridge and visit her in in this godforsaken borough. Steve urges her to take a serious look at the house, then reminds her that they're a family now, and not everything is about her 'I don't like anything not Manhattan' horseshit. He exits the house with Brady and Scout, leaving Miranda to amble from room to room with a contemplative expression on her pointy face. The owner tentatively comes over and asks her what she thinks of the place, and she tells him she's very interested, then snarkishly says she'll need to bring in an engineer, expect a new furnace to be installed if the existing one isn't up to code, and will require a long escrow. The bewildered owner refrains from telling her to pee up a rope about her cuntily expressed demands unless they're part of a formal written offer she's planning to submit on the property.
Samantha and Smith arrive at his movie premiere, and it looks like she decided on a hot pink Lil' Kim type wig, which is a far cry tackier than the blonde Candy wig she had tried on earlier. As the two exit the limo and walk up the red carpet, the fans shriek at Smith...but he just grins at Samantha and canoodlingly steers her toward the theater. That Smith is one hopeless sap.
Trudy Stork sends a special delivery to the York-Goldenblatt residence: Princess Dandyridge Brandywine in a wicker basket! OMG - the furry cuteness! As Charlotte coos over the precious pooch, a smiling but puzzled Harry asks, "Who is that?" and Charlotte says she's a present and asks him if they can keep her. Harry says he'll agree to anything that makes her smile this much, but tells her the dog's name is too much of a mouthful and needs to be snappier...so Charlotte changes it to Elizabeth Taylor 'cause of her odd worship issues with the legendary actress.
A mouse gallops through Carrie's rat's nest of a hairdo as she's lounging on her bed...and when she realizes what just happened, she shrieks in horror and flees to her bathroom. She calls Misha, who promptly comes over to lay down some traps. He says he was surprised to hear from her after being bitchily called an asshole for no reason...so she explains how important Samantha is to her, blah blah, and that she desperately needs him to blow sunshine up her ass about how Samantha is going to be just fine, post-chemo. Misha brings up his dead friend again - bwahahahahahaha! - making Carrie growl in exasperation, but he quickly explains that he was surprised by her unexpected death and also by the amount of pain he endured...and he doesn't want her to go through what he did. Carrie says he could have just said that, then tells him she needs their relationship to be diluted "with a little bit of milk." Misha looks impressed at her wordplay and gushes, "It's clear who the writer is here" ... which, blech, Misha. Blech! I frown on anything that validates Carrie's shittastic writing abilities. He then throws her a bone and assures her that Samantha is going to be A-OK - even though it's impossible for anyone to be making that kind of assertion - and Carrie thanks him and gives him a smooch, hug, and a chemistry-free canoodle.
The gals gather for drinks to toast the end of Miranda's life as a Manhattanite. They reminisce about all the awful apartments they've had over the years...and when Miranda mulls that over and asks why in blazes they've always insisted that Manhattan is so fantastic, Carrie smugly pronounces, "Because it is." The waitress arrives with another round of drinks, and once again the four toast Miranda's impending move.
Recap: Misha is giving Carrie the security code to his fancy loft apartment, then tells her he also had a spare key made so that she can come and go whenever she wishes. He's mad as a hatter, this Russian. When Carrie is unable to recite Misha's security code back to him, he offers to write it down for her...and Carrie looks touched at how quickly and effortlessly he welcomed a high maintenance skank such as herself into his life and fancy home.
Samantha is in a doctor's exam room, waiting for her lumpectomy results. Carrie distracts her from potential bad news by nattering about how Misha gave her his security code and spare key...a far cry from the embarrassment of Big refusing to give her a key to his apartment while they were on again during their obnoxious 'on again-off again' hookup/relationship/whatever the fuck during Season 2. A few seconds later, Dr. Pinkner enters the exam room, tells Samantha that the surgery went well, the margins are clean, and that her tumor was at Stage 1. When he recommends a course of chemotherapy as a precaution against any microscopically stray cancer cells, Samantha pales and is all, "Wha-a-a?" and asks him how in blazes a cancerous tumor could have sprouted within her. The doctor shrugs - 'cause, really, what can he say? - and tells her that, statistically speaking, women who have never had children can have an increased risk of getting breast cancer...and of course Samantha translates this to mean that he's accusing her of bringing the cancer on herself because of her deliberate barrenness. She snarkishly tells him that she's going to find herself "a hot woman doctor" who understands what this, then uses her hand to make a circular motion around her torso, is all about...and Dr. Pinkner just stares back at her in bewildered bemusement.
At the next brunch summit, Samantha rails to the gals about how she should be rewarded for not having kids - not be blamed by some asshole doctor for bringing breast cancer on herself 'cause she never wanted to spawn. Miranda scrunches her face confusedly and asks her why she's even getting chemo if the cancer was removed, so Carrie chimes in and says that sometimes tumors can leave "something microscopic" ... and Samantha nonsensically blurts out, "Like his dick!" She says she's heard awesome things about a Dr. McAndrew who, according to New York magazine, has been a top-rated oncologist for the last four years. Miranda changes the subject and tells the gals that she has to get back to the office 'cause she's taking a long weekend with Steve to a mountain lodge...and the gals perk up and correctly assume that this trip is serving as their honeymoon. They ask her who will be taking care of Brady...and when she just kind of shrugs and says they're taking him with them, an aghast Charlotte points out that it's critically important that she and Steve have "a real honeymoon", and that she and Carrie would be more than happy to watch the little redhead.
Samantha arrives at Dr. McAndrew's office in the hopes of getting an appointment. The receptionist tells her that the doctor is fully booked for the next two months - but that she can knock herself out by taking a seat in the waiting room on the off chance that there's a cancellation. Samantha seats herself next to Julia Sweeney, who tells her that she's first in line after waiting around for the last two days hoping for an opening in the doctor's schedule. Samantha tells her she's determined to get an appointment, much like the way she got backstage at a Rolling Stones concert and blew Mick Jagger. Julie Sweeney looks a mixture of icked out and intrigued by the disturbing visual, then tells her she's a nun who's been celibate her entire life. Samantha mulls over the notion of celibacy and asks her if she's allowed to indulge in self-pleasure...and Julia Sweeney looks back at her in wonderment and says she's never thought to ask.
Carrie arrives at Misha’s loft with Brady...and he knocks over a glass vase while she's struggling to remember the security code. Misha comes running over from his studio across the hall...and when she hastily explains that Brady knocked over the vase, he jokingly admonishes her for blaming a toddler for her negligence. Carrie looks visibly charmed when she sees how kind Misha is in his interaction with Brady.
Miranda and Steve are lounging in their honeymoon bed, post-doink. Miranda springs out of bed in her usual restless fashion, then gets alarmed when she realizes that the cabin has no radio or TV. Ack! As she unpacks her bag a few seconds later, she snaps, "Shit!" 'cause apparently she forgot to bring along her cell phone charger.
Misha is teaching Brady to paint while Carrie looks on, grinning stupidly. She asks him if he's ever contemplated having children, and he tells her he has one child...then had a vasectomy soon after 'cause of zero desire to repeat the experience. He asks her if she's ever thought about reproducing, and she mutters that she hasn't gotten around to it yet. He's like, "And when are you planning to do this? You're thirty-eight" - bwahahaha! - and Carrie stares back at him with a hurt look etched across her horsey face.
Carrie and Charlotte take Brady to the playground...and Carrie starts moaning about Misha's vasectomy. Charlotte stupidly urges her to maintain a futile sense of hope that he might want to one day reverse his vasectomy - but Carrie points out that if she had really wanted a baby, she would have had one by now ... 'cause she somehow always finds a way to get the things she wants (like the newest designer shoes or all the pricey flimsywear outfits she fills her closet with and can ill afford).
Miranda and Steve are soaking in a giant bathtub with rose petals scattered about. He offers to wash her hair 'cause it would be romantic - like in Out of Africa - but the romantic mood quickly gets squashed when Miranda gets soap in her eye and loudly screeches in pain while he's lathering her up.
Miranda tells Steve she's off to get some ice...then runs into the woods with her cell phone so she can Carrie to complain about the romance overload that is her honeymoon. She laments not being allowed to be her usual bitchy, sarcastic self for an entire weekend.
Carrie types up the week's installment of her raunch column, wondering aloud if women only think they want babies and a perfect honeymoon. She types why are we 'shoulding' all over ourselves? then stares contemplatively into space at the clever, thought-provoking nature of her writing...the way she does every single time she voice-overs while churning out her superfluous schlock.
Samantha is at a movie premiere party with Smith - but she tells him she's not into it and wants to go home. When he asks her whassup with her mopyness lately, she breaks down and tells him about the cancerous lump in her breast - just as a door opens and a crowd of paparazzi appear and start shooting photos of Smith, who now has an ack! expression on his chiseled face.
Carrie asks Misha about his spawn, so he tells her that his daughter, Chloe, is twenty-two and lives in Paris...as does her mother. He shows Carrie photos of Chloe at various ages, then once again emphasizes that having one child is more than enough for him.
In the next scene, Carrie is bellyaching to Samantha about how she'll never have a family with Misha 'cause he already had that kind of life with someone else...then self-piteously moans, "Whyyyy meeee?" Shut up, Carrie. Samantha just rolls her eyes while grunting, "Bye bye, baby" and points out that there is plenty that life has to offer that doesn't include having a baby. Carrie admits that if she couples with Misha she can travel, have sex, love, and adventures...and Samantha nods approvingly and says, "Not too shabby" which I'd totally agree with if there was even a scintilla of sexual chemistry between Carrie and Misha.
Charlotte and Harry are getting it on in their bedroom when Charlotte suddenly realizes that Brady is awake and gazing over at them from his playpen. Charlotte shrieks in horror and runs to the phone to report the troubling development to Miranda, who reminds Charlotte that Brady is one year old and couldn't possibly know what he's looking at. Miranda suddenly perks up and offers to cut her drag of a honeymoon short so she can personally soothe whatever tension Charlotte is enduring - but Charlotte declines and abruptly ends the call. When Steve urges Miranda to come back to bed, she throws in the towel on curbing her bitchitude and snappishly tells him she can't just lay around and have sex 24/7 and that she's not "the honeymoon type". Steve agrees to head home in the morning, but sadly tells her that sometimes he likes being in a quiet environment and reminds her that this trip is his honeymoon too. Miranda sheepishly apologizes, then mounts Steve for one last honeymoon doink.
Samantha returns to Dr. McAndrew's waiting room, where Julia Sweeney is already camped out...and this time she's decked out in her nun's habit. Samantha wryly remarks, "Pulling out all the stops, huh?" then heads over to the receptionist just as she's leafing through a tabloid magazine and happens to come across a paparazzi photo of Smith and Samantha at that exact moment. She's all, "Wha-a-a-a?! Are you Smith Jarrod's girlfriend?!" then says she looooves him so much that she made a beefy pic of him her computer screen-saver (though I think she meant computer wallpaper, not that it's a professional thing to be displaying in any manner on a work computer in an upscale doctor's office). Samantha says that Smith is such a loyal boyfriend that he'd prolly accompany her on an appointment if only she could be accommodated...and the receptionist agrees to squeeze her in early one morning. At Samantha's insistence, the receptionist also agrees to squeeze in Julie Sweeney, which I thought was uncharacteristically kind and considerate of Samantha.
Carrie and Misha are strolling along the South Street Seaport. She asks him if his vasectomy is, uh, reversible and he's like, "Nope. Next question" so Carrie says that while she could "really be" with him, she's simultaneously tormented by the notion of living her life without ever having children. Misha says he could "really be" with her too - but that he's definitely too old for babies and has no intention of ever changing his mind 'bout that. He says he wouldn't want her to miss out on motherhood if that's what she really wants in life - turns out it isn't - and she silently mulls that over as the two canoodle and stare down at the water below.
Recap: Miranda and Steve are sitting in an outdoor cafe, enjoying $3 beers. When a miserable looking old couple ambles by in mid-argument, Miranda tells Steve she doesn't want to become that in thirty years...then adds that she also doesn't want to become his mother, or be so damn moody. No doubt that last thing would be a welcome change. Steve says the biggest thing he doesn't want is to lose her again...and she concurs and smilingly asks, "Will you marry me?" He stares back at her in surprise and goes, "Are you serious?" and when she assures him she is, he's like, "Hell yeah!" and the two start smooching.
That evening, Misha is playing a song on his piano and urges Carrie to sit next to him...and she sashays over to him, bringing along her glass of wine. After playing for several more seconds, Misha tells her that the piece is a little tune he wrote for her, and that he titled it The Woman With Luminous Eyes That Sparkle. Ick. Carrie looks overcome as he hand feeds her fruit and gives her a sexy smooch.
At brunch, Carrie tells the gigolas about Misha's customized piano playing, and Miranda disdainfully calls it the cheesiest thing she's ever heard. Charlotte dreamily says it sounds like eighteenth century Russia and wants to hear more about the old world romance...and when Carrie tells them what Misha named the song, Miranda and Samantha shriek, "Ick!" Miranda snarls about how much she hates that kind of "artificial hoo hah", which is precisely why she proposed to Steve over $3 beers. The gals stare at her in stunned silence...and then Samantha disdainfully asks, "You proposed...marriage?" LOL. Miranda says she did, but that it's no big deal 'cause she has zero desire to do "the big circus wedding" with bridesmaids, posed photos, etc. Ugh - amen to that. She snaps, "I hate all that shit" and Charlotte, who does live for that kind of shit, looks quasi-insulted and mumbles something about how every bride needs to find her own style. Miranda says she's currently looking for a wedding venue that doesn't make her hurl, and that the wedding barely matters to her 'cause she really just wants to be with Steve. When the gals get tearfully emotional about her impending nuptials, she tells them they're freaking her out, admonishes Samantha about how she expected more from her, and huffily exits the diner.
That evening, Charlotte gabbles to Harry about Misha's romantic piano playing, and Harry reminds her that he's no slouch in the romance department and, to demonstrate, will take her out for a romantic dinner.
Miranda and Steve are ambling down the street while loaded down with shopping bags and discussing their wedding. Miranda says she definitely doesn't want to make a big entrance or have people staring at her. When one of her bags rips open, she yells, "Shit!" and bends down to pick everything up...and as she's doing that, she notices that they're crouched in front of a community garden. She remarks on how it's pretty but not corny...and both she and Steve agree that it's a venue that makes neither of them hurl.
Carrie, Samantha, and Charlotte are out shopping for a wedding gift for Miranda...and Samantha chooses the occasion to announce that she's decided to enhance her boob size. She pulls out the current issue of In Touch magazine, which contains several photographs of her from when a photographer followed Smith around all day. She points out how teeny tiny her boobs look in virtually every photo - and when Carrie tries to talk her out of needless plastic surgery, she promises not to get the "watermelon freak show kind", but rather something tasteful. Like Carrie's rack, for example.
Carrie is once again hanging at Misha's spacious loft on a rainy night...and the two are sitting by the fire as he reads poetry to her. Carrie says she'd like to read him her version of poetry, then pulls out a copy of Vogue and reads aloud a description of a pink Oscar de la Renta dress. Misha tells her that Oscar is a friend of his...and Carrie looks impressed by his personal connection to the famous designer and admits that no boyfriend has ever read her poetry or written songs about her or her sparkly eyes, 'cause...well, duh.
Miranda gets a call from Carrie while she's wedding dress shopping...and she makes it snarkishly clear to the salesgirl that she doesn't want anything white or poofy - the jig being up once she had Brady. She advises Carrie to tell Misha that all of his schmaltzy romantic gestures are giving her the icks...so then Carrie asks her why she's even having a wedding if she's so anti-romance. Miranda says that, surprising as it might be to fathom, she really does want to exchange vows with Steve in front of their closest friends.
Carrie writes her column while nattering in a voice-over about how no one in New York sugarcoats their feelings...then muses that when women - meaning herself - are faced with real romance, they can't seem to stomach it. She then types have we become romance intolerant? for her readership to chew on.
Harry treats Charlotte to dinner at a fancy French restaurant. He orders a cheese plate among other delectables...which will later prove to be an unfortunate choice for both of their digestive systems.
Samantha is in a downtown bar, checking out the sizes of various women's hooters alongside two male oglers. When she notices the bosomy bartender, she asks which plastic surgeon is responsible for her impressive rack, and the bartender tells her she went under the knife for Dr. Bevel and raves about how he's the best.
Carrie arrives at Misha's for what she assumed would be another ick-tastic night in, but finds him decked out in a tuxedo. When he announces that he's taking her to the opera, she offers to go home and change...but he says it would be quicker if she opened the large gift box on the table behind him. Carrie excitedly opens it and finds the pink Oscar de la Renta dress she read to him about in Vogue...and naturally the designer frock ends up fitting her perfectly.
Charlotte and Harry are canoodling in bed when Harry's stomach starts to make rumbley noises...and a few seconds later he races to the bathroom. Charlotte's stomach gets upset a few seconds later...and soon the two are coping with the after-effects of food poisoning from the cheese plate.
Carrie skips along in her annoying I'm so delicate fashion while wearing stilettos as she and Misha head to the Met. When background music suddenly emerges from out of nowhere, Misha declares it a perfect night, remarks on Carrie's stunning beauty, and asks her to dance. Carrie gets overwhelmed by all the romance and faints in a really fake looking way...and Misha hovers over her and worriedly asks her if she's OK. When she "comes to", she tells him that his romanticness is too much...and that since she's a boorishly tacky American with no class or good taste to speak of, he's going to have to take it down a notch. In the next scene, the two are at McDonalds, ordering fast food. She apologizes to him for ruining their night at the opera, but he just shrugs and says, "Another time." As their order is being assembled, they smooch and slow dance beneath the golden arches.
Samantha is having her breasts examined by Dr. Bevel. As she natters her excitement about her impending enhancement, he finds a lump in one of her breasts and says that before he can perform any kind of needless plastic surgery, she's going to have to get the lump checked out. Samantha pales and goes, "Are you kidding?" and he breezily says it's probably just a cyst, but that she needs to be sure before he's willing to proceed. Samantha stares worriedly into space.
Wedding Day! Samantha picks up Carrie in a cab so she can tell her all about her breast lump, which - yeesh - turned out to be cancer. The doctors told her that the tumor is very small, that she's having it removed next week, and that's all the information she currently has at this time. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!", but Samantha assures her that she'll be fine (well, hopefully)...and that she doesn't want to lose her breasts 'cause of how fabulous they are, their teeny-tinyness notwithstanding.
As Miranda and Steve exchange wedding vows in the community garden, Charlotte holds Brady and coos, "Look, mommy and daddy are getting married." When the ceremony concludes, Magda starts clapping and cheering about it being "happy time". LOL.
At the reception (held at a nearby restaurant), Charlotte compliments Samantha on how pretty she looks, and she responds with, "Thank you, I have cancer." As Charlotte scrunches her face with alarmed befuddlement, the camera cuts over to the bar, where Steve's ma is oversharing to Miranda about how she wore white on her wedding day despite being secretly knocked up. Miranda's fake smile masks her horror at being overshared with with zero provocation, and she urgently summons Steve to come over and stage an immediate rescue.
Miranda heads over to where the gigolas are sitting and moans about how she's now legally bound to Steve's ma. The gals try to hard to act breezy, but Miranda demands to know why they're behaving so weird...so Samantha tells her about her breast lump. Charlotte urges Miranda to go back to her people and enjoy her special day, but Miranda says that the three of them are her people and that she wants to talk about this right now. After Carrie chides her for being the world's bossiest bride, Samantha starts telling Miranda the full details about her current cancer scare as the camera slowly fades out.
Recap: Carrie browses through a stack of mail and finds a handwritten letter from Misha, who has just returned from a business trip to Holland and is inviting her out for a walk. In the next scene, she meets up with him in Central Park...and the two stroll around, sit on a bench and eat Dutch chocolate, and get into some heavy canoodling. Nope, still no chemistry there.
The gigolas go perfume shopping in an effort to mix it up from their usual brunch summits. Carrie announces that she's considering taking a luvuhh, and Miranda looks over at her with with a mixture of surprise and icked-outness and goes, "The old guy?" LOL. Carrie brushes off the insult and says she prefers to think of Misha as worldly, wise, and sexy. Charlotte dreamily suggests that her hookup with Misha could become something more than him just being a luvuhh - but Carrie says it's unlikely for anything meaningful to come out of their romps, since 1) she can barely understand what the hell he's saying half the time, 2) they have absolutely nothing in common...and 3) the two have zero on-screen chemistry.
Miranda and Steve arrive at her building and canoodle in the elevator - until Blair Underwood gets on, shoots them both the stink-eye, and sarcastically mutters, "Well, if it isn't the happy couple." Miranda and Steve both wince, then exchange sheepish glances.
Charlotte and Anthony stroll through Central Park...and she's babbling about whether or not she should pretend to want fulfillment from a career instead of continuing to live off the wealth of her ex-husband's family. Anthony complains that this conversation is boring the shit out of him and begs her to say something bitchy about someone they both know - but when Charlotte continues to babble about her "new direction in life", he cuts her off and urges her to look around at the beauty that is autumn. Charlotte stares at the nearby trees in wonderment...then notices a blind person shuffling along and remarks on how hard it must be to navigate New York City without the benefit of sight. She then decides to devote the next fifteen minutes of this episode to faux serving the blind.
Prior to entering Luvuhh-ville, Carrie undergoes a bikini wax from a no-nonsense Russian woman. She learns a few basic words in Russian to use on Misha next time she sees him.
To avoid running into Blair Underwood in the elevator of their building, Miranda takes the stairs - but since Blair Underwood also had the same idea, the two end up running into one another. As he glares hatefully at her, she tries to explain that she never expected to fall back in love with Steve - and Blair goes full-on dickish and bitchily snarls about how he should charge her for a stud fee 'cause of how long, slow, and deep he doinked her over the course of two episodes. Miranda's face turns crimson as she races up to her apartment and tells Steve she gave Blair custody of the elevator...and overshares about Blair invoking their long, slow, deep doinkfests. A disturbed looking Steve reminds her that he needs the elevator this weekend 'cause he's moving in his stuff...and Miranda beats herself up about shitting where she eats. As well she should...though Blair Underwood really needs to chillax about Miranda ending their barely-one-month-long relationship.
After a night out, Carrie - decked out in more bra-baring flimsywear - accompanies Misha to his fancy loft in a building which apparently used to be a sewing factory. She checks out the amazing view of Manhattan from his living room, then saucily asks him to show her the upstairs.
The next morning (post-doink), Carrie wakes up in Misha's bed and finds a note on the pillow next to her informing her he's downstairs making breakfast. She puts on Misha's big white shirt and heads down the stairs, and is startled by the presence of several flunkies who, I'll assume, are Misha's New York staff and who've set up a small office in his living room. One of them points toward the kitchen, where Misha is making pancakes. A self-conscious Carrie tells him she feels like she's in the way, so he introduces her to the flunkies, who just stare at her disinterestedly for a few seconds, then go back to whatever they were doing. Misha informs Carrie that he's off to Amsterdam for a few days.
Carrie tells Samantha that Misha's staff didn't seem to give a rat's ass that she had stayed over at his apartment and emerged from his bedroom wearing nothing but a long shirt...and Samantha nods knowingly and says they've probably seen countless women parading around Misha's loft half-naked the morning after. She tells Carrie she's jealous of her for dating "a real power player", and that Smith's youth and the May-December nature of their relationship is starting to grate.
Carrie Googles Misha and finds photos of the many women he's hooked up with over the years. She scrunches her horsey face concernedly, then voice-overingly natters about how women attempt to keep things light with men despite the tendency to emotionally attach once they've hit the sheets...but still wind up in the dark. Or some such muddled nonsense.
Smith shows Samantha an invitation he got to a party titled The Top 30 Under 30. Samantha has zero interest in attending - until she notices on the invitation that the event is being hosted by Richard Wright at one of his fancy hotels. She urges Smith to attend and promises to tag along as his date.
Charlotte is meeting with someone in a cubicle about her sudden desire to help the blind...and is nattering about how she needs something to fill her days until she has a baby and/or gets bored of being altruistic. The woman emphasizes to Charlotte that signing on with their organization to help the blind is a major commitment...and to easily weed out flighty halfwits like herself, all prospective volunteers are required to get a sense of what it's like to be blind by putting on a blindfold and getting someone to steer them around the city.
In the next scene, Charlotte and Carrie arrive at a department store...and Charlotte puts on a blindfold so that Carrie can walk her around in a blind-leading-the-blind type fashion. A few seconds later, Carrie gets a call on her cell from Misha...and when she momentarily steps away from Charlotte to get better reception, Charlotte gets swept into the opposite direction by a large group of people who just happened to breeze into the store at that exact moment. She quickly gets lost and stumbles around for a few minutes before throwing in the towel on her short-lived desire to dive head-first into volunteer work. She quickly finds Carrie in the shoe department, trying on a pair of designer stilettos she doesn't need...but yet continues to indulge an irresponsible habit that almost resulted in her homelessness in Season 4.
Samantha and Smith arrive at The Top 30 Under 30 party and run into Richard Wright (after Samantha makes Smith cut to the front of the line). The youngsters at the party take photos of each other with their phones and snort pretzel out of their noses, while the elders - Samantha and Richard - flirtily chat and agree that they're both looking fantastic.
Steve and Miranda are alarmed when they find Steve's television set, which was temporarily placed in the lobby with the rest of his boxes, smashed up. Miranda says she's pretty sure that Blair Underwood did it out of rage because of how "crazy in love" with her he still is. Steve storms up to Blair's apartment to give him the what-for - but when he sees that a shirtless Blair is sexily entertaining two scantily clad women, he meekly apologizes for any hurt feelings he and Miranda may have caused him. Blair shrugs indifferently and is all, "OK, whatevs" ... and Steve heads back down to the lobby and fibs to Miranda about how upset Blair still is about the jilting.
Carrie arrives at Misha's apartment, where he gives her a pair of wooden shoes he brought back from Amsterdam. She giggles, thanks him in Russian, and the two get into some heavy smooching action.
Samantha decides why not callously rip out Smith's heart? by sneaking off to an upstairs suite with Richard...and as she and Richard are striding toward the elevator, Smith bounds over and asks if he can come with them. Samantha coldly retorts, "You go play with your friends, and I'll go play with mine" ... and in the next scene, Richard is boning her from behind while nattering about how he's had to lower himself to host parties for twenty-somethings who sport six pack abs. Samantha stares despondently into space...then looks even more stricken as she rides the down elevator afterwards. She's stunned (as was I) to find Smith waiting for her in the lobby...and he explains that [for some unfathomable reason] he wanted to ensure that she got home OK. She moans about how much she hates herself for cheating on him in so brazen and shitty a fashion, then bursts into tears as [I blurted out incredulously, "Seriously??? You gotta be shitting me!!!!!" and] he sweeps her into his arms and escorts her toward the exit. Smith, Smith, Smith...you deserve so much better.
Across town, Misha tells Carrie, post-doink, that he's off to his studio across the hall to work on his light art installation thingy. Carrie lounges on the bed until she suddenly realizes she was no longer comfortable in Luvuhh-ville. She gets dressed, heads over to his studio, and tells him that while this chemistry-free hookup has been lovely, she's not "cut out" for the pancakes and being one of his many ladies. Misha stares at her quizzically and assures her he's not currently doinking anyone but her...and that, implausible as it may seem, he genuinely likes her. Carrie scrunches her horsey face in wonderment and asks, "Why me?" and Misha shrugs and retorts, "Why me?" ... and the two stare over at the brightly lit art contraption that Misha is in the midst of cobbling together.