Recap: Carrie is decked out in a flimsy pink dress - which showcases the black bra she's wearing underneath - as she excitedly skips down the street to meet Big (fuuuuuuuuck) for dinner at the 21 Club. Carrie slips into her dumb sounding bantering voice as the two engage in their annoying flirty talk...then bursts into fake looking tears when Big tells her the reason he's in New York is 'cause he needs an angioplasty. Big gets wigged out by her tears and assures her he's fine, but this only makes her fake blubber even harder. Miranda returns home from work and finds Blair Underwood in her kitchen cooking up some delicious looking enchiladas. He gives her a quick taste of the spicy sauce by sexily hand-feeding her, then suggests she take a personal day tomorrow so they can enjoy an extended doinkfest. Miranda looks intrigued as she mulls over the naughty request. The next day, Miranda and Blair Underwood are in bed, enjoying their day-long doink, when Steve quietly slips into her apartment to get Brady's ear drops. When he walks past Miranda's bedroom and sees Blair Underwood's taut buttocks thrusting up and down, he's all, "Ack!", then bumps into the door frame in his desperation to flee. Blair Underwood dismounts Miranda, slips on his underwear, and offers to examine Steve's bloody nose. When Steve cringes away from him, Miranda smugly tells him it's all good 'cause Blair Underwood is a sports doctor for the Knicks...as well as her boyfriend. She then pauses and asks him if it was weird that she just said that - but Blair Underwood grins and says he definitely likes the sound of that. He then asks Miranda to get him a tampon so he can cut it in half and shove both pieces into Steve's nostrils to soak up his nose blood.
At the next gigola gabblefest, Miranda tells the gals about the mortifying circumstances under which Steve got his first introduction to Blair Underwood...and Samantha chuckles and declares her to be the hands-down winner of the Steve & Miranda Post-breakup Contest. An appalled Charlotte asks Miranda if she secretly planned Steve's tampon-up-the-nose humiliation, and Miranda insists she didn't - but admits she can't help but take a tiny bit of pleasure in how things worked out. Carrie informs the gals that Big (fuuuuuuuuck) is in town to remove a heart blockage...then bursts into faux tears and says this contrived breakdown also happened while she was having dinner with Big. Nathan Lane's beard from the Season 5 finale, Bitsy Von Muffling, waddles over and basks in the glow of what looks to be the last stages of pregnancy and gabbles about how the genius of Dr. Mao, acupuncturist/miracle worker, made it possible for her to get knocked up with her gay husband's sperm. Charlotte looks intrigued...and once Bitsy is safely out of earshot, she marvels about this fifty-something getting pregnant, then says she's going to make an appointment with Dr. Mao asap. Dr. Mao is sticking tiny needles into Charlotte's face as she natters incessantly about her pregnancy angst that's been boring SATC viewers since Season 4. When Dr. Mao finishes puncturing her face, he orders her to shut it and relax for the next twenty minutes. Carrie visits Big in the hospital wearing a sundress that reveals the bra she's wearing underneath almost in its entirety...and I really have to wonder if Pat Field was on a bizarre mission to make 'bra exposing' the next big fashion thing, but then had to admit it never caught on enough with even the most rabid of SATC fashion worshippers to become a mainstream trend. Big is lying in his hospital bed, pretending to be too weak to talk...but then suddenly his face gets all maniacal looking and he blurts out, "I'm alive!" which seemed like a weird thing to do. A startled Carrie shrieks, then admonishes him for freaking her out. A sassy nurse enters the room to take Big's blood pressure...and while she's doing that, Carrie bursts into faux tears again. The nurse remarks on how sweet it is for her to be so concerned about her husband - and Carrie immediately stops fake crying and pretends to be all indignant [at the thought of fulfilling her dream of one day becoming Mrs. Big] and unconvincingly snaps, "He's not my husband!"
Smith is back from filming the Van Sant movie...and he's in bed with Samantha, taking careful instructions from her on exactly how she wants him to pleasure her. Post-doink, the two amble down the street together...and when he reaches for her hand, she pulls away so forcefully that she trips and falls into an underground basement/cellar thing and lands atop a big pile of vegetables. Haha! The following day, Samantha hobbles around with a foot cast and complains to Carrie about "the perverse thing" Smith did to her...meaning, he tried to hold her hand. She grudgingly admits that she digs him enough that she refrained from whoring around with an orgy of other men while he was out of town, and Carrie says this is a pretty good sign that their relationship may have reached the hand holding stage. She then changes the subject to herself and tells Samantha that she blubbered in front of Big again...then pronounces that the blockage in his heart is a metaphor for all the feelings she has for him but has been blocking out. She then assures Samantha she's well aware that Big has shown every indication that he has zero interest in ever having a relationship with her [despite the stupid sellout of an ending in the upcoming series finale]. At Casa Bradshaw, Carrie taps out her column, nattering to herself about how people get hurt everyday, then rhetorically asks her readership just how dangerous is an open heart? After that, she phones the hospital to check in with Big and learns that he left the hospital that morning...and instead of taking that as any kind of hint to stay away and carry on with her life Big-free, she decides 'why not deck myself out in a candy striper's uniform and drop in on Big in his Four Seasons hotel room?'. Big chortles at her cleverness in tracking him down, along with her skimpy outfit - but warns her he's not allowed to do anything that over-stresses his heart. Carrie tells him she brought a bag full of PG fun, then pulls out two boxes of dominos - regular and day-glo - then holds them up and grins with an expression that screams, 'aren't I cute, clever, and impossible to resist?' &^%$@!! Across town, Miranda finally comes face to face with Steve's upgrade (Debbie)...and to make their first encounter as awkward as possible, Miranda trips on the wheels of Brady's stroller and takes a spill on the pavement. She scrambles to her feet as everyone's like, "OMG! Are you OK?" and breezily insists she's fine, then smugly introduces Blair Underwood to Debbie as a sports doctor for the Knicks. Debbie's all, "Wha-a?!" and giddily reminds Steve how much he looooooves the Knicks...but Steve sullenly retorts he follows all the New York teams. When Blair Underwood offers him and Debbie court side seats, Steve glumly insists he prefers his seats in the nosebleed section...then cringes as he recalls the humiliation of his earlier tampon-up-the-nose situation.
Charlotte's back at Dr. Mao's office with tiny needles stuck in her face...and despite being ordered to relax and center herself, she gets distracted by the loud Cuban Liberation Front protest on the streets outside. She runs into the waiting room and screeches for Dr. Mao to come pay attention to her...and Dr. Mao emerges from whatever exam room he was in, sighs in dismay, and tells her to do her best to block out the noise. Samantha and Smith are walking along the street...and when Smith once again tries to hold her hand, Samantha pulls it away. Smith irritably reminds her that they've established that they like each other and therefore has had enough of this horseshit. He barks, "Just fucking hold my hand!" and Samantha contritely gives in and agrees to walk hand in hand - but only until her foot heals. Carrie is setting up dominos on the floor of the Four Seasons hotel room while Big lounges nearby and natters nonsensically about the two of them growing old together. Carrie pretends to not be totally into the idea of living happily ever after with him, then stares over at him concernedly when he suddenly looks ill. She quickly determines that he has a fever, then calls the doctor for advice. After the doctor tells her to monitor his temperature and assures her he's likely going to be fine, Big clutches her hand, calls her an angel, and prattles some nonsense about how short life is. He squeaks, "What are we doing?" as Carrie crawls into bed with him and voice-overingly marvels about how it took a New York surgeon to unblock Big's grinchy heart. The next morning, Steve drops Brady off at Miranda's apartment...and the two agree that the people they've upgraded with since their breakup are super nice. After staring at each other longingly for several seconds, Steve opens his mouth to say something - but the moment gets interrupted when Blair Underwood bounds over to say hey. Carrie wakes up and finds Big staring dully at the ceiling. He tells her he feels much better...but when Carrie tries to feel his forehead, he scrambles out of the bed to use the bathroom, knocking over the elaborate row of dominos she had so carefully set up the night before. Carrie stares despondently into space, voice-overing that overnight Big's heart reverted to its default grinchiness...and that she's finally gotten it through her thick idiot skull that life is too short to wait around for it to ungrinch itself again. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee".
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