Sex and the City - Season 2, Episode 9

"Is that a Shar-Pei down there or are you just happy to see me?"

"Old Dogs, New Dicks; Old Dogs, New Tricks"
Original airdate: 8/1/1999

Episode summary: Charlotte is horrified by her beau's uncircumcised penis, but things go awry after he undergoes circumcision. Carrie gets so miffed when Mr. Big ogles other women that she punches him in the face. Miranda and Steve have opposite schedules and struggle to find common sack time.

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Recap: Carrie pronounces that "women in New York are the most beautiful women in the world"...and then we get lots of footage of beautiful women being ogled by horny men as they sexily sashay down the street. Carrie describes the volume of lovely ladies in Manhattan as "a playground for men's roving eyes" and then the camera pans over to Carrie and Mr. Big as they stroll down the street together. Big brazenly checks out an attractive woman as she peruses vegetables at an outdoor market, and a miffed Carrie grabs him by the arm and yanks him toward her.

Later, Samantha tells Carrie she's lucky if Big's roving eye is her biggest problem in the relationship. She breezily says it's part of a man's genetic code to ogle at women, and warns her that trying to change him will bring nothing but disaster.

Miranda, meanwhile, is enduring an inconvenient dating schedule with Steve. When he rings her doorbell in the wee hours of the morning, Miranda drags herself out of bed and sleepily staggers to the door to let him in. After a hello kiss, they retire to the couch...and Steve starts gabbling about a group of Japanese bankers that stumbled into the bar at 2:00am. When he looks over at Miranda, he sees that she's fallen asleep and is lightly snoring. He grins and whispers, "Never mind."

When the alarm goes off the next morning, Steve forbids Miranda from getting out of bed until he's gotten his cuddling fix. Miranda argues that she has to get up and get ready for work, but Steve says, "Not yet" and spoons her while she stares into space looking irked and stressed.

That night, Charlotte is hitting the sheets with her latest beau, an ugly restaurant critic named Mike. When she announces she's ready to ride his baloney pony, he eagerly unzips his pants and unwittingly gives her an unexpected, wrinkly surprise. She gasps, "Oh!" when she gets an eyeful of the wrinkled monster between his legs, and Mike sheepishly explains that he's uncircumcised. He asks her if that's OK, and she unconvincingly says, "Sure!" and pretends not to be grossed out by the repugnant shaft.

During brunch with the gals, Charlotte over-shares the intimate details of her romp with Mike: "There was so much skin, it was like a Shar-Pei!" Samantha gets a dreamy look on her face and says she looooves uncircumcised dicks 'cause they're like a Tootsie Pop: hard on the outside with a delicious surprise on the inside. Miranda says she prefers it when a man's penis is "all out there, where I can see it", and declares uncircumcised peckers abnormal - but Carrie has to disagree and informs her that 85% of all men are uncircumcised. Miranda perks up and translates this to mean that she's only slept with 15% of the male population tops, and Carrie cackles, "Wow! You're practically a virgin!" Miranda says if she ever has sons, she's getting them circumcised 'cause she can't stand the thought of a catty female foursome likening their dicks to a Shar-Pei. Samantha argues that uncircumcised men are a lot better in the sack than their snipped counterparts 'cause they try a lot harder. She then gets all braggy and says, "I should know. I've slept with five of them." LOL. Please. That has to be the biggest under-estimate in the history of under-estimates.

"It was like having sex with a wrinkly dog."

"Mmm...sounds hot."

Carrie and Big are out for dinner, and Carrie gets miffed once again when Big brazenly checks out an Asian woman's shapely ass as she struts past their table. He then lights up a cigar and starts puffing away - and a few seconds later, the waitress politely informs him he's not allowed to smoke inside the restaurant. Big launches into an annoying schtick about how he thought he was in "a cigar friendly zone", then gets up and roams around the restaurant, asking the other diners if they're bothered by the stench of his cigar smoke. When everyone just smiles and amiably shakes their heads no, he gives the waitress a "See..?" expression, then offers to buy the other diners a round of drinks. The waitress blushingly giggles and allows him continue to smoke, and Carrie voice-overs that the whole cigar schtick bugged her, then comes right out and tells Big he's very arrogant. After dinner, the two amble along the street, and when Big not-so-subtly ogles a sexy woman passing by, Carrie barks, "Hey!" then pauses and says, "I hate that cigar." Big's like, "Whatever" and promptly tosses the cigar on the ground. 

Carrie's in her apartment, puffing away on her cigarette as she silently ponders why change seems so hard for Mr. Big. She wonders if she's just banging her head against a wall, trying to get him to notice her. She then ponders the notion of changing her expectations, then types, Can you change a man? and continues to puff on her cigarette while contemplatively staring into space.  

​Charlotte and Mike stroll along the street after a dinner date. He asks her if he can come upstairs for another romp, and she tells him she has to get up really early and that her place is a mess. Ouch. Mike nods sadly and says, "I understand" and explains that she's not the first woman to react with horror after getting an eyeful of his Shar-Pei pecker. He announces that he's finally going to take the bull by the horns and do something about it...and by do something about it he means get himself circumcised. Charlotte perks up and goes, "Really?!" and he says that even though the operation hurts and the recovery period is long and painful, he's willing to do it to please her in the sack. Charlotte's like, "Whatever! Great!" and promises to abstain from doinking anyone else until his dick has been successfully de-Shar-Peied.

Miranda and Steve are in bed going at it...and when they finally climax, Miranda immediately climbs out of bed to begin her day. Steve asks her where she's going, then and reminds her it's Saturday...so she allows him to pull her back into bed and spoon her. She stares into space and asks, "How long are we going to do this?" and he incredulously asks, "You want a timeframe for cuddling?" Miranda says she needs an end point, then explains that Saturday is her "free day": a day to run her errands and go to spinning class. Steve laughs and says, "You're not sounding very free to me", and Miranda lets out a deep sigh, gets back into bed, and says she's willing to lay beside him like a corpse for an hour and a half tops.

"Are we done cuddling yet?"

"How about now?"

The gals are out at Drag Queen Bingo, which I had no idea was a thing. Miranda is complaining that she and Steve only ever have sex in the morning...and afterward "he just wants to lie there". Charlotte tells her that everyone wants a guy who enjoys cuddling, and Carrie concurs and sadly shares that Big won't even spend the night at her place. Miranda says she doesn't want to have to change her routine - but Charlotte says she probably should 'cause women are generally more adaptable than men, then advises Miranda to come up with a workable sex schedule. She then changes the subject and announces that Mike has agreed to get his penis de-Shar-Peied, and the gals are all, "Woo hoo!" Suddenly, one of the drag queens comes over to the table, looks at Samantha, then squeals, "Samantha?! It's me, Brad!" Apparently, Brad is a semi-professional hockey player she doinked a few years ago. He tells Samantha he started dressing like a woman right after hitting the sheets with her...and that his chosen 'lady name' is Samantha. After he ambles off, Samantha stares into space, not sure if Brad's metamorphosis is an insult or a compliment. She scrunches her face in confusion and moans, "I am so much prettier than him."

Big is a half hour late for a date, and Carrie is angrily pacing the lobby of his building. When he finally arrives, he apologizes for keeping her waiting, and she snarls that his doorman thinks she's a hooker [d'yuh...if it looks like a duck and dresses like a duck]. She snaps, "I hate waiting. Here. For. You" so Big shoots back with, "There's a coffee shop. Around the corner. You could have waited in." Carrie snarls, "I'm pissed!" and threatens to leave, but for some God-knows-why reason, Big urges her to come upstairs. She suggests that if he were to give her a key to his apartment, she could go up and wait for him there - but Big looks icked out by the prospect and mutters, "A key..?" Carrie says another option is that he could spend the night at her place sometime, but he makes a blech face and stubbornly says, "I like my bed."

That night, neither Big nor Carrie felt much like bumping uglies - and at 3:00am something very awesome happens. Big rolls over and unintentionally (we're led to believe, anyway) knocks Carrie off the bed. Bwahaha! As she flails around on the floor, Big stares down at her and asks if she's OK, and she shrieks, "NOOO!" and punches him in the face. Big yells, "What the fuck??! What the hell was that?" and Carrie wails, "You knocked me out of bed! You didn't even know I was here!" She then looks contrite and tries to apologize, but Big irritably gathers a blanket and pillow and announces he's sleeping on the couch...and when Carrie protests, he warns, "Don't talk now, bad to talk now" and exits the room.

At 4:00am, Carrie creeps into the living room to bring Big some ice wrapped in a dripping towel. She admits that punching him in the face was probably a bad idea (!) - but she's been so pissed at him lately for constantly checking out other women when he's with her. She also hates that she doesn't have a key to his apartment, and that he refuses to ever spend the night at her place. She moans, "I feel like I'm back in your life, and nothing has really changed." She says she knows she can't change him...but needs something to change, even if it's a minor thing. Big wryly says, "Physical violence is never the answer" and a deflated Carrie says she's throwing in the towel and heading home. Before she leaves she says there must be [a ginormous list of] things about her he doesn't like - but Big wisely replies, "I'm not falling for that one." 

"Whaddya say you give me a key to your apartment?"

"Whaddya say I don't, and we never speak of it again?"

Charlotte and Mike are on another date shortly after his de-Shar-Peiing. He tells her the operation hurt a lot, and that he has another week to undergo in the healing process. Charlotte excitedly says, "I can't wait!" and the two start kissing amorously. Mike is like, "Ouch!" and explains that getting aroused hurts his boner, so he's going to have to cut the evening short and de-harden himself.

After drinking five cups of coffee, Miranda is wide awake and lighting candles in her living room when Steve arrives at 2:00am. They make out for a few minutes in the foyer before she breathily says, "I'll meet you in the bedroom." A few minutes later, she enters the bedroom carrying a bottle of wine, and gets irked when she finds Steve asleep on her bed. She snaps at him to leave, then bitchily says she wants to catch up on her sleep and not have sex at dawn, which always causes her to lay there and worry about being late for work. Steve says they can have sex right now, but she tells him that that window had been open a half hour ago - but is firmly closed now.

Charlotte and Mike are about to break in the new penis. She gives it a once-over and coos, "It's perfect!" and he jokingly says, "You realize this makes me a virgin." Charlotte promises to be gentle, and the two start getting it on. Post coitus, Charlotte purrs, "That was wonderful" and asks him what he'd like to do on Saturday. He's all, "Wuh? Did we have plans?" and she says they don't, but lists a variety of ways they could pass  the evening. Mike chooses that moment to tell her he's not ready for this to be "a big thing" and doesn't want to be tied down, now that his penis has been de-Shar-Peied. He's eager to get out there and share it with as many women he can convince to sleep with an uggo such as himself. Charlotte looks at him with incredulity and asks, "You want to share your penis?" and Mike confirms he does and says he feels like he owes it to himself to "take the doggie out for a walk around the block". Needless to say, Charlotte never saw the cheeky uggo again.

Carrie is laying around her apartment, depressed that Big hasn't called her several days. Cue a knock on the door - and when Carrie answers, she finds Big on her doorstep, glaring at her with a big bruise on his face. She reaches out to touch him, but he flinches and orders her to keep her fists far away from him. Heh. He tells her he's given five keys to his apartment to various women, but never got any of them back. He admits to hogging his bed, but reminds her that it's his bed - and he likes her in it. That said, he blurts out, "The oranges have to go" and Carrie's all, "Wuh?" so he tells her that one thing he dislikes about her is that she eats oranges in his bed, and they make the sheets all sticky. He says if she's willing to lay off the oranges, he'll agree to spend the night at her place. Carrie smilingly agrees...and the following day her bed sheets stunk of cigar smoke. Mmm hmm..

Miranda is laying in bed at 2:00am, wide awake and looking forlorn. The phone rings, and it's Steve calling from a pay phone. He tells her to look out the window so she doesn't miss the blue moon - and Miranda's all, "Oh my God!" and they both agree that it's an amazing and rare sight to behold. Miranda saucily invites him to come over when he's done his shift at the bar, and he blushes and mutters, "Yeah."

"Check out the blue moon."

"For some reason that blue moon made me super horny. Get over here pronto and do me."

Late that night, Steve and Miranda bumped uglies...and then again in the morning. Carrie voice-overs that all of their ugly bumping caused Miranda to be an hour late for work - but she was suddenly so enamored of Steve she didn't even notice. (I'm guessing her boss and colleagues did, though.) 

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