Sex and the City - Season 6, Episode 15

"Help! I have found a way to be miserable while on my honeymoon!"

"Catch-38"
Original airdate: 1/18/2004

Episode summary: Carrie is troubled when Misha makes it clear he doesn't want to have children with her. Samantha tries to get an appointment with a prominent oncologist. Miranda and Steve have a honeymoon in the woods.

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Recap: Misha is giving Carrie the security code to his fancy loft apartment, then tells her he also had a spare key made so that she can come and go whenever she wishes. He's mad as a hatter, this Russian. When Carrie is unable to recite Misha's security code back to him, he offers to write it down for her...and Carrie looks touched at how quickly and effortlessly he welcomed a high maintenance skank such as herself into his life and fancy home.  

Samantha is in a doctor's exam room, waiting for her lumpectomy results. Carrie distracts her from potential bad news by nattering about how Misha gave her his security code and spare key...a far cry from the embarrassment of Big refusing to give her a key to his apartment while they were on again during their obnoxious 'on again-off again' hookup/relationship/whatever the fuck during Season 2. A few seconds later, Dr. Pinkner enters the exam room, tells Samantha that the surgery went well, the margins are clean, and that her tumor was at Stage 1. When he recommends a course of chemotherapy as a precaution against any microscopically stray cancer cells, Samantha pales and is all, "Wha-a-a?" and asks him how in blazes a cancerous tumor could have sprouted within her. The doctor shrugs - 'cause, really, what can he say? - and tells her that, statistically speaking, women who have never had children can have an increased risk of getting breast cancer...and of course Samantha translates this to mean that he's accusing her of bringing the cancer on herself because of her deliberate barrenness. She snarkishly tells him that she's going to find herself "a hot woman doctor" who understands what this, then uses her hand to make a circular motion around her torso, is all about...and Dr. Pinkner just stares back at her in bewildered bemusement. 

At the next brunch summit, Samantha rails to the gals about how she should be rewarded for not having kids - not be blamed by some asshole doctor for bringing breast cancer on herself 'cause she never wanted to spawn. Miranda scrunches her face confusedly and asks her why she's even getting chemo if the cancer was removed, so Carrie chimes in and says that sometimes tumors can leave "something microscopic" ... and Samantha nonsensically blurts out, "Like his dick!" She says she's heard awesome things about a Dr. McAndrew who, according to New York magazine, has been a top-rated oncologist for the last four years. Miranda changes the subject and tells the gals that she has to get back to the office 'cause she's taking a long weekend with Steve to a mountain lodge...and the gals perk up and correctly assume that this trip is serving as their honeymoon. They ask her who will be taking care of Brady...and when she just kind of shrugs and says they're taking him with them, an aghast Charlotte points out that it's critically important that she and Steve have "a real honeymoon", and that she and Carrie would be more than happy to watch the little redhead.

Samantha arrives at Dr. McAndrew's office in the hopes of getting an appointment. The receptionist tells her that the doctor is fully booked for the next two months - but that she can knock herself out by taking a seat in the waiting room on the off chance that there's a cancellation. Samantha seats herself next to Julia Sweeney, who tells her that she's first in line after waiting around for the last two days hoping for an opening in the doctor's schedule. Samantha tells her she's determined to get an appointment, much like the way she got backstage at a Rolling Stones concert and blew Mick Jagger. Julie Sweeney looks a mixture of icked out and intrigued by the disturbing visual, then tells her she's a nun who's been celibate her entire life. Samantha mulls over the notion of celibacy and asks her if she's allowed to indulge in self-pleasure...and Julia Sweeney looks back at her in wonderment and says she's never thought to ask.  

"As a nun, I've lived a life of celibacy."

"That notion doesn't compute."

Carrie arrives at Misha’s loft with Brady...and he knocks over a glass vase while she's struggling to remember the security code. Misha comes running over from his studio across the hall...and when she hastily explains that Brady knocked over the vase, he jokingly admonishes her for blaming a toddler for her negligence. Carrie looks visibly charmed when she sees how kind Misha is in his interaction with Brady.

Miranda and Steve are lounging in their honeymoon bed, post-doink. Miranda springs out of bed in her usual restless fashion, then gets alarmed when she realizes that the cabin has no radio or TV. Ack! As she unpacks her bag a few seconds later, she snaps, "Shit!" 'cause apparently she forgot to bring along her cell phone charger.

Misha is teaching Brady to paint while Carrie looks on, grinning stupidly. She asks him if he's ever contemplated having children, and he tells her he has one child...then had a vasectomy soon after 'cause of zero desire to repeat the experience. He asks her if she's ever thought about reproducing, and she mutters that she hasn't gotten around to it yet. He's like, "And when are you planning to do this? You're thirty-eight" - bwahahaha! - and Carrie stares back at him with a hurt look etched across her horsey face.

"You're kind of long in the tooth to still be considering motherhood, aren't you?"

"I prefer to deludedly think of myself as ageless."

Carrie and Charlotte take Brady to the playground...and Carrie starts moaning about Misha's vasectomy. Charlotte stupidly urges her to maintain a futile sense of hope that he might want to one day reverse his vasectomy - but Carrie points out that if she had really wanted a baby, she would have had one by now ... 'cause she somehow always finds a way to get the things she wants (like the newest designer shoes or all the pricey flimsywear outfits she fills her closet with and can ill afford). 

Miranda and Steve are soaking in a giant bathtub with rose petals scattered about. He offers to wash her hair 'cause it would be romantic - like in Out of Africa - but the romantic mood quickly gets squashed when Miranda gets soap in her eye and loudly screeches in pain while he's lathering her up.

Miranda tells Steve she's off to get some ice...then runs into the woods with her cell phone so she can Carrie to complain about the romance overload that is her honeymoon. She laments not being allowed to be her usual bitchy, sarcastic self for an entire weekend.   

Carrie types up the week's installment of her raunch column, wondering aloud if women only think they want babies and a perfect honeymoon. She types why are we 'shoulding' all over ourselves? then stares contemplatively into space at the clever, thought-provoking nature of her writing...the way she does every single time she voice-overs while churning out her superfluous schlock. 

Samantha is at a movie premiere party with Smith - but she tells him she's not into it and wants to go home. When he asks her whassup with her mopyness lately, she breaks down and tells him about the cancerous lump in her breast - just as a door opens and a crowd of paparazzi appear and start shooting photos of Smith, who now has an ack! expression on his chiseled face.

Carrie asks Misha about his spawn, so he tells her that his daughter, Chloe, is twenty-two and lives in Paris...as does her mother. He shows Carrie photos of Chloe at various ages, then once again emphasizes that having one child is more than enough for him.  

In the next scene, Carrie is bellyaching to Samantha about how she'll never have a family with Misha 'cause he already had that kind of life with someone else...then self-piteously moans, "Whyyyy meeee?" Shut up, Carrie. Samantha just rolls her eyes while grunting, "Bye bye, baby" and points out that there is plenty that life has to offer that doesn't include having a baby. Carrie admits that if she couples with Misha she can travel, have sex, love, and adventures...and Samantha nods approvingly and says, "Not too shabby" which I'd totally agree with if there was even a scintilla of sexual chemistry between Carrie and Misha.

Charlotte and Harry are getting it on in their bedroom when Charlotte suddenly realizes that Brady is awake and gazing over at them from his playpen. Charlotte shrieks in horror and runs to the phone to report the troubling development to Miranda, who reminds Charlotte that Brady is one year old and couldn't possibly know what he's looking at. Miranda suddenly perks up and offers to cut her drag of a honeymoon short so she can personally soothe whatever tension Charlotte is enduring - but Charlotte declines and abruptly ends the call. When Steve urges Miranda to come back to bed, she throws in the towel on curbing her bitchitude and snappishly tells him she can't just lay around and have sex 24/7 and that she's not "the honeymoon type". Steve agrees to head home in the morning, but sadly tells her that sometimes he likes being in a quiet environment and reminds her that this trip is his honeymoon too. Miranda sheepishly apologizes, then mounts Steve for one last honeymoon doink.

"Don't mind me. I'm a thoughtless asshole."

"Don't go putting my words in your mouth."

Samantha returns to Dr. McAndrew's waiting room, where Julia Sweeney is already camped out...and this time she's decked out in her nun's habit. Samantha wryly remarks, "Pulling out all the stops, huh?" then heads over to the receptionist just as she's leafing through a tabloid magazine and happens to come across a paparazzi photo of Smith and Samantha at that exact moment. She's all, "Wha-a-a-a?! Are you Smith Jarrod's girlfriend?!" then says she looooves him so much that she made a beefy pic of him her computer screen-saver (though I think she meant computer wallpaper, not that it's a professional thing to be displaying in any manner on a work computer in an upscale doctor's office). Samantha says that Smith is such a loyal boyfriend that he'd prolly accompany her on an appointment if only she could be accommodated...and the receptionist agrees to squeeze her in early one morning. At Samantha's insistence, the receptionist also agrees to squeeze in Julie Sweeney, which I thought was uncharacteristically kind and considerate of Samantha.

Carrie and Misha are strolling along the South Street Seaport. She asks him if his vasectomy is, uh, reversible and he's like, "Nope. Next question" so Carrie says that while she could "really be" with him, she's simultaneously tormented by the notion of living her life without ever having children. Misha says he could "really be" with her too - but that he's definitely too old for babies and has no intention of ever changing his mind 'bout that. He says he wouldn't want her to miss out on motherhood if that's what she really wants in life - turns out it isn't - and she silently mulls that over as the two canoodle and stare down at the water below.

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