Recap: Charlotte drags Carrie (who's wearing an oversized handkerchief that she's trying to pass off as a sack dress, and which amply showcases her black bra) along to a gallery to see a weird exhibit. On display is a disheveled woman who's not talking or eating - just staring dully at the people who have dropped by to gawk at her - and apparently she's expected to mope around like this for the next sixteen days. It remains unclear how or why this is art - even classifying it as "live theater" seems a stretch - but since Charlotte seems utterly fascinated by the spectacle, I'll assume the gallery knew what it was doing when it decided its patrons would find it art-worthy to watch a starving woman loiter around a tiny space for two weeks. Carrie rolls her eyes and calls the exhibit stoopid, then jokes about how badly the disheveled woman needs to brush her hair. Bored, she glances around the gallery and spots Mikhail Baryshnikov (who will hereafter be referred to as Misha in my recaps) giving her an appreciative once-over. Carrie leans toward Charlotte and tells her that she's being ogled by a sexy older man...but when they turn around, there's no sign of him. When they exit the exhibit area, Carrie spots Misha and discreetly IDs him as the ogler, and Charlotte gasps and tells her that he's quite famous in the abstract art world. As he ambles over, Charlotte gushes over his artistic brilliance...and when he asks her what she thinks of Disheveled Woman on Display, she nods gravely and calls it moving and significant. LOL. Misha then turns his attention to Carrie and asks her what she thinks of it, and she just shrugs disinterestedly, says she's not very arty, and that Disheveled Woman looks no different than any other depressed woman living in New York...and predicts that at 3am (when no one's watching) she'll probably be chowing down on a burger. Misha looks charmed by her boorish cluelessness about art, asks what her name is, then states in a flat voice, "You are...comic." As Charlotte interjects to once again gush over the brilliance of Misha's artistic wonderfulness, he grunts at her and rudely wanders off.
Blair Underwood drops by Casa Hobbes with a pizza, along with a smaller box that contains a special surprise. After a long smooch, Blair's beeper goes off 'cause of a sports emergency that just occurred...and after he rushes off, Miranda takes a peek inside the smaller box. When she sees that it contains a large, delicious looking cookie decorated with the words I love you, she stares at it in horror for several seconds...then begins scarfing it down in earnest.
The following day, Miranda tells Carrie about the I love you cookie, and that she panicked and ate the entire thing...her inane logic being "if it wasn't there, I wouldn't have to deal with it". When Carrie asks her if it's the I love you part that bothered her the most, she breezily says it couldn't possibly be that 'cause of how perfect Blair Underwood is...instead of reasonably pointing out that it's ridiculously early in their dating timeline for either her or Blair Underwood to be throwing out I love yous. She says he's being very cute as he helps her plan Brady's first birthday party this coming Saturday...and Carrie looks fake concerned and says she'll only go if no clowns are present, then declares in a contrived sounding way, "Nothing's scarier than a clown."
At the next brunch summit, Carrie asks Samantha if she's ever heard of Misha, and Samantha's like, "Well d'yuh!" and dishes about how he used to party at Studio 54 in the '70s and hook up with supermodels. A beaming Charlotte arrives late and announces that she just learned she's three weeks pregnant...and a few seconds after that, Samantha scratches her cooch and over-shares to her icked out friends that she's growing out her hair down there 'cause Smith enjoys a full bush.
Misha calls up Carrie...but when he mutteringly takes too long to identify himself, she gets impatient and hangs up. On his third try, he manages to quickly blurt out his name, then invites Carrie to go see Disheveled Woman on Display at 3am to ensure that she's not taking a burger break. Heh. He proposes they get together for dinner at 1am, then head over to the gallery afterwards. Carrie blushingly accepts his invitation...and a few seconds after she hangs up, Harry calls her with sad news about his and Charlotte's newly conceived spawn.
When Carrie arrives at Casa York-Goldenblatt, Harry tells her "it just went away" and that Charlotte is sitting on the couch, staring despondently into space. Carrie joins her on the couch and coos about how sorry she is, while Harry tries to be upbeat about trying for a baby again in the near future...and if that doesn't work out, he'll rotate her in as the next Disheveled Woman on Display at the gallery and sell tickets. Charlotte tells Carrie she's much too sad to attend Brady's birthday party on Saturday, and Carrie assures her that Miranda will understand.
Blair Underwood asks Miranda how she liked the cookie he gave her - er, five days ago - then dejectedly adds that she hasn't yet brought it up. Miranda tells him she ate the entire thing...and when he comes right out and asks her what she thought of the I love you that was written atop it, she chirps, "Sweet! So sweet!" but then contorts her face into a troubled expression as they canoodle. Later, while watching Jules & Mimi, she calls Carrie to tell her how fucked up she is 'cause she was unable to return Blair's premature declaration of love. Carrie's like, "Well, do you love him?" and Miranda says that while he's perfect in so many ways, she's not sure if he's really the one.
Carrie taps out some drivel about how people are always waiting for the one thing that makes life complete, blah blah. I'm so looking forward to when she completely abandons her raunch column in favor in preparing to follow Misha to Paris (spoiler).
As Samantha blow dries her hair, she notices a grey pube...and naturally, this leads to an ill-fated decision to dye her pubes, which somehow end up as a bright red bush. That disturbing visual segue ways into the bushy red hair of the clown that Steve's ma hired to entertain Brady at his birthday party. Miranda snaps at her in annoyance for hiring the freakish looking clown without her permission, then looks dismayed when ma starts guzzling one of the beers she brought along. When Debbie and Steve arrive, Debbie warmly greets Steve's ma and gamely accepts one of her beers. Miranda spots Harry and gratefully excuses herself to ask him how Charlotte is doing. He just shakes his head and says, "The same" ... meaning she's continuing to mope on the couch and stare listlessly at the TV.
Charlotte is flipping through channels when she happens to come upon the E! network's True Hollywood Story about Elizabeth Taylor. She perks up and looks intrigued.
Carrie arrives at Miranda's apartment and is startled by the sight of the clown, since apparently nothing's scarier - just as Samantha rushes over and says she needs a private moment with her in the bathroom asap. Once they're behind closed doors, Samantha points to her crotch, says she found a grey hair down there, and that it's a disaster. Carrie shrugs and says it's just part of getting older - but Samantha uses both hands to motion toward her crotch and insists that this cannot get old. She says she considered tweezing the grey hairs, but knows it'll only result in more grey hairs sprouting up. She then confesses that she used hair dye in an attempt to get rid of the grey...but somehow it turned a bright shade of red. She then lifts her skirt to needlessly expose her well-worn cooch to Carrie and miserably calls herself Bozo the Bush.
Looking newly inspired by Elizabeth Taylor's E! True Hollywood Story, Charlotte shuts off the TV, decks herself out in a fabulous strapless pink dress with a sweetheart neckline, and sashays over to Miranda's apartment.
Debbie gushes to Miranda about how lovely the party is, and how pleased she is about the way that she/Steve and Miranda/Blair Underwood have coupled up. A few seconds later, Blair Underwood ambles over and gives Miranda a squeeze...but she squirms out of his grasp and rushes off to the laundry room to fetch the birthday cake. Steve enters the room after her and tells her he got a fancy 1 candle...and she stares at him with a stricken expression on her face before blurting out, "I love you" then apologizes for turning his life on its ass, pretty much since the day she met him. Steve perks up at her declaration, returns the I love you...and when Miranda asks about Debbie, he's like, "Meh. You're the one." What a hopeless sap.
The partygoers sing Happy Birthday - just as Charlotte arrives in her fabulous pink dress and coos, "Make a wish, Brady!" We then get a voice-over from Carrie, informing us that three weeks later, Miranda and Steve resumed their shitty relationship.
Carrie meets up with Misha for a late dinner...and he feeds her an assortment of blechy looking snacks, including veal in aspic. When he remarks about how he usually works all night, she proudly tells him she writes a raunch column for a tabloid rag, to which he dryly retorts, "Congratulations." Bwahahahaha!! She asks him about his partying days at Studio 54, but he looks put out by the question and says he rarely thinks about the past in favor of what can happen today, tonight, and tomorrow...and Carrie stares back at him, her horsey face contorted into an expression of intrigued fascination.
Samantha unveils her newly shaved cooch to Smith after declaring that she's a working woman and doesn't have time for him to be "down there", searching for it amid all the greyness and whatnot.
At 3am, Carrie and Misha arrive at the gallery...and when she accidentally leaves her purse in the cab, Misha shows off his athletic prowess by chasing the cab down the street and retrieving the purse. Inside the gallery, the disheveled woman is still glumly staring into space, which puts to rest Carrie's theory about her gobbling down a burger at 3am. Carrie thanks Misha for asking her out on this odd date, then turns down his saucy invitation to accompany him to his nearby apartment for a romp. He responds by pressing himself against her and giving her an intense smooch.
Nope. No chemistry there.
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Recap: Carrie is decked out in a flimsy pink dress - which showcases the black bra she's wearing underneath - as she excitedly skips down the street to meet Big (fuuuuuuuuck) for dinner at the 21 Club. Carrie slips into her dumb sounding bantering voice as the two engage in their annoying flirty talk...then bursts into fake looking tears when Big tells her the reason he's in New York is 'cause he needs an angioplasty. Big gets wigged out by her tears and assures her he's fine, but this only makes her fake blubber even harder.
Miranda returns home from work and finds Blair Underwood in her kitchen cooking up some delicious looking enchiladas. He gives her a quick taste of the spicy sauce by sexily hand-feeding her, then suggests she take a personal day tomorrow so they can enjoy an extended doinkfest. Miranda looks intrigued as she mulls over the naughty request.
The next day, Miranda and Blair Underwood are in bed, enjoying their day-long doink, when Steve quietly slips into her apartment to get Brady's ear drops. When he walks past Miranda's bedroom and sees Blair Underwood's taut buttocks thrusting up and down, he's all, "Ack!", then bumps into the door frame in his desperation to flee. Blair Underwood dismounts Miranda, slips on his underwear, and offers to examine Steve's bloody nose. When Steve cringes away from him, Miranda smugly tells him it's all good 'cause Blair Underwood is a sports doctor for the Knicks...as well as her boyfriend. She then pauses and asks him if it was weird that she just said that - but Blair Underwood grins and says he definitely likes the sound of that. He then asks Miranda to get him a tampon so he can cut it in half and shove both pieces into Steve's nostrils to soak up his nose blood.
At the next gigola gabblefest, Miranda tells the gals about the mortifying circumstances under which Steve got his first introduction to Blair Underwood...and Samantha chuckles and declares her to be the hands-down winner of the Steve & Miranda Post-breakup Contest. An appalled Charlotte asks Miranda if she secretly planned Steve's tampon-up-the-nose humiliation, and Miranda insists she didn't - but admits she can't help but take a tiny bit of pleasure in how things worked out. Carrie informs the gals that Big (fuuuuuuuuck) is in town to remove a heart blockage...then bursts into faux tears and says this contrived breakdown also happened while she was having dinner with Big. Nathan Lane's beard from the Season 5 finale, Bitsy Von Muffling, waddles over and basks in the glow of what looks to be the last stages of pregnancy and gabbles about how the genius of Dr. Mao, acupuncturist/miracle worker, made it possible for her to get knocked up with her gay husband's sperm. Charlotte looks intrigued...and once Bitsy is safely out of earshot, she marvels about this fifty-something getting pregnant, then says she's going to make an appointment with Dr. Mao asap.
Dr. Mao is sticking tiny needles into Charlotte's face as she natters incessantly about her pregnancy angst that's been boring SATC viewers since Season 4. When Dr. Mao finishes puncturing her face, he orders her to shut it and relax for the next twenty minutes.
Carrie visits Big in the hospital wearing a sundress that reveals the bra she's wearing underneath almost in its entirety...and I really have to wonder if Pat Field was on a bizarre mission to make 'bra exposing' the next big fashion thing, but then had to admit it never caught on enough with even the most rabid of SATC fashion worshippers to become a mainstream trend. Big is lying in his hospital bed, pretending to be too weak to talk...but then suddenly his face gets all maniacal looking and he blurts out, "I'm alive!" which seemed like a weird thing to do. A startled Carrie shrieks, then admonishes him for freaking her out. A sassy nurse enters the room to take Big's blood pressure...and while she's doing that, Carrie bursts into faux tears again. The nurse remarks on how sweet it is for her to be so concerned about her husband - and Carrie immediately stops fake crying and pretends to be all indignant [at the thought of fulfilling her dream of one day becoming Mrs. Big] and unconvincingly snaps, "He's not my husband!"
Smith is back from filming the Van Sant movie...and he's in bed with Samantha, taking careful instructions from her on exactly how she wants him to pleasure her. Post-doink, the two amble down the street together...and when he reaches for her hand, she pulls away so forcefully that she trips and falls into an underground basement/cellar thing and lands atop a big pile of vegetables. Haha!
The following day, Samantha hobbles around with a foot cast and complains to Carrie about "the perverse thing" Smith did to her...meaning, he tried to hold her hand. She grudgingly admits that she digs him enough that she refrained from whoring around with an orgy of other men while he was out of town, and Carrie says this is a pretty good sign that their relationship may have reached the hand holding stage. She then changes the subject to herself and tells Samantha that she blubbered in front of Big again...then pronounces that the blockage in his heart is a metaphor for all the feelings she has for him but has been blocking out. She then assures Samantha she's well aware that Big has shown every indication that he has zero interest in ever having a relationship with her [despite the stupid sellout of an ending in the upcoming series finale].
At Casa Bradshaw, Carrie taps out her column, nattering to herself about how people get hurt everyday, then rhetorically asks her readership just how dangerous is an open heart? After that, she phones the hospital to check in with Big and learns that he left the hospital that morning...and instead of taking that as any kind of hint to stay away and carry on with her life Big-free, she decides 'why not deck myself out in a candy striper's uniform and drop in on Big in his Four Seasons hotel room?'. Big chortles at her cleverness in tracking him down, along with her skimpy outfit - but warns her he's not allowed to do anything that over-stresses his heart. Carrie tells him she brought a bag full of PG fun, then pulls out two boxes of dominos - regular and day-glo - then holds them up and grins with an expression that screams, 'aren't I cute, clever, and impossible to resist?' &^%$@!!
Across town, Miranda finally comes face to face with Steve's upgrade (Debbie)...and to make their first encounter as awkward as possible, Miranda trips on the wheels of Brady's stroller and takes a spill on the pavement. She scrambles to her feet as everyone's like, "OMG! Are you OK?" and breezily insists she's fine, then smugly introduces Blair Underwood to Debbie as a sports doctor for the Knicks. Debbie's all, "Wha-a?!" and giddily reminds Steve how much he looooooves the Knicks...but Steve sullenly retorts he follows all the New York teams. When Blair Underwood offers him and Debbie court side seats, Steve glumly insists he prefers his seats in the nosebleed section...then cringes as he recalls the humiliation of his earlier tampon-up-the-nose situation.
Charlotte's back at Dr. Mao's office with tiny needles stuck in her face...and despite being ordered to relax and center herself, she gets distracted by the loud Cuban Liberation Front protest on the streets outside. She runs into the waiting room and screeches for Dr. Mao to come pay attention to her...and Dr. Mao emerges from whatever exam room he was in, sighs in dismay, and tells her to do her best to block out the noise.
Samantha and Smith are walking along the street...and when Smith once again tries to hold her hand, Samantha pulls it away. Smith irritably reminds her that they've established that they like each other and therefore has had enough of this horseshit. He barks, "Just fucking hold my hand!" and Samantha contritely gives in and agrees to walk hand in hand - but only until her foot heals.
Carrie is setting up dominos on the floor of the Four Seasons hotel room while Big lounges nearby and natters nonsensically about the two of them growing old together. Carrie pretends to not be totally into the idea of living happily ever after with him, then stares over at him concernedly when he suddenly looks ill. She quickly determines that he has a fever, then calls the doctor for advice. After the doctor tells her to monitor his temperature and assures her he's likely going to be fine, Big clutches her hand, calls her an angel, and prattles some nonsense about how short life is. He squeaks, "What are we doing?" as Carrie crawls into bed with him and voice-overingly marvels about how it took a New York surgeon to unblock Big's grinchy heart.
The next morning, Steve drops Brady off at Miranda's apartment...and the two agree that the people they've upgraded with since their breakup are super nice. After staring at each other longingly for several seconds, Steve opens his mouth to say something - but the moment gets interrupted when Blair Underwood bounds over to say hey.
Carrie wakes up and finds Big staring dully at the ceiling. He tells her he feels much better...but when Carrie tries to feel his forehead, he scrambles out of the bed to use the bathroom, knocking over the elaborate row of dominos she had so carefully set up the night before. Carrie stares despondently into space, voice-overing that overnight Big's heart reverted to its default grinchiness...and that she's finally gotten it through her thick idiot skull that life is too short to wait around for it to ungrinch itself again.
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Recap: Carrie meets up with her high school sweetheart, David Duchovny, and the two obligatorily gush about how awesome the other looks. David Duchovny says since last they spoke he's been married and divorced...and when Carrie tells him she's currently single, he shakes his head in faux disbelief and marvels, "How is that possible?" OMFG. After that nauseating wanking, the two reminisce about being a couple in high school, then agree that since neither finds the other completely repulsive now that they've hit middle age, they're A-OK with spending the next few hours having dinner together.
Blair Underwood drops by Miranda's apartment to give her a couple of court-side tickets to the upcoming Knicks game. He says he hopes she comes, and that he'll keep an eye out for her...and Miranda's like, "Er, OK" 'cause she isn't sure if this gesture in any way qualifies as him asking her out on a date.
While strolling on the Upper East Side, David Duchovny tells Carrie he's been taking some time off to sort through his various emotional issues...then leaves it at that for now. He says he really really wants to kiss her, and that his nervousness about it is weird 'cause they used to neck plenty in high school. Carrie gives him the green light to give her a smooch, and he leans in and plants one on her lips.
The next day, Samantha is ambling down the street, fanning herself 'cause of the extreme heat when she runs into Ginger Spice, who waxes on about the refreshing dip she just had in the nearby Soho House rooftop pool. Samantha's all, "Wha-a-a? Rooftop pool?" ... then at the next brunch summit, rails to the gigolas about how there's a fabulous swimming pool one block from her apartment - but she can't access it 'cause of the long waiting list for new members. Carrie changes the subject to herself and announces that she's renewed her interest in her high school boyfriend and thinks it's long past time they hit the sheets. Charlotte squeals for joy, then dreamily coos, "You're marrying him" - but Carrie says that that would be too troubling an outcome [not just for him, apparently], 'cause what if she had had the perfect guy in high school...then dumped him to move to New York and whore around with every Kurt, Gilles, and Big for the next twenty years?? Fair point. When the gals ask her why she dumped David Duchovny, she says she figured there had to be better guys out there, then laughs in bitter incredulity as she snarks, "Turns out there aren't."
Back at Casa Bradshaw, Carrie is glancing through her high school yearbook and grins nostalgically when she comes across the photo of a young David Duchovny. She then decides why not make my imminent hookup with David Duchovny the focus of my weekly dreck? and throws out to her tabloid rag readership whether they (meaning her) have graduated past their (meaning her) ability to find true love. She then taps out on her computer: when it comes to matters of the heart, did we have it right in high school?
Samantha is at the front desk of the Soho House, bitchily inquiring about how she might go about getting a membership. The snooty desk clerk tells Samantha that, unfortunately for her, the rooftop pool is so fabulous during this hot August weather that it's at full capacity every day...which means they can't admit any new members. Samantha haughtily snarks, "Do you know who I am?" - LOL - and the unimpressed desk clerk rolls her eyes and is like, "Uh, no", so Samantha slinks over to the nearest washroom to freshen up and gather the remaining scraps of her dignity. As she washes her hands, the attendant asks her if she mistakenly left her ID card on the counter, and Samantha perks up and says she did, then quickly notes that the name on the card is Annabelle Bronstein. The following day she uses Annabelle's card to sneak into the club, relaxes in the delicious looking pool on a floatie, and keeps suspicion to a minimum by paying cash for her drinks.
Stanford and Marcus are dining in a restaurant called Cafeteria (for those viewers who haven't yet grasped that the theme of this episode is 'a nostalgic trip down memory lane to the high school years') when they spot Charlotte and Anthony at a nearby table. Stanford drags Marcus over so he can once again rub his boyfriend's hotness in Anthony's face, then smugly announces that they're attending the upcoming LGBT Center prom and that he's on the decorations committee. Anthony (pot) disdainfully asks (kettle) if the theme is queer and queerer, and Charlotte shoots him the stink-eye before dreamily reminiscing about how she was prom queen and, generally, the belle of the ball in high school. Stanford says he missed his prom because - and Anthony bitchily interjects, "You were gay!" ... and after malevolently blurting that out a couple more times, Stanford leaves in a huff, dragging Marcus along with him. Charlotte glares disapprovingly at Anthony and chides his rudeness, and he retorts by passing along some dish about how Marcus used to be a gay escort, which he learned about after stumbling across an ad in a vintage issue of Honcho magazine. LOL. Charlotte's like, "I don't believe it!", but then doesn't seem disinterested enough in the boredom that is Marcus's past, so Anthony promises to send her his copy of the magazine asap.
While at the Knick's game, Charlotte and Miranda pore over the Honcho issue featuring gay escort "Paul" and both agree it's definitely Marcus. Ho hum. Miranda waves hello at Blair Underwood...and when he flirtily grins back at her, Charlotte gushes, "He totally likes you!" and Miranda decides that, yes, the court-side seats are far too impressive for his interest in her to be merely casual. At half-time, the sexy New York City Dancers burst onto the court and prance around in tank tops and black jeans...and Blair Underwood bobs his head to the beat while openly ogling a saucy looking blonde. Charlotte scrunches her face with disapproval and haughtily remarks to Miranda that the shameless hussy is flirting with her (maybe) boyfriend! After the game, Miranda is about to amble over to Blair Underwood - but when he starts chatting it up with the blonde and allows himself to be hugged by her, she loses her nerve, declares, "That's it. I'm out" and glumly exits the stadium with Charlotte.
Over at Casa Bradshaw, Carrie invites David Duchovny to stay the night so they can finally go all the way...and David Duchovny pauses for a moment - 'cause, ack - and says he needs to be honest about something. The something turns out to be that he's currently living in a mental institution 'cause of his need to sort through his various emotional issues...and Carrie scrunches her horsey face confusedly and is all, "Wha-a-a-a? Mental institution??"
Samantha uses Annabelle Bronstein's ID card to smuggle the gigolas (and Standford) into the Soho House...and the five spend a lazy afternoon lounging by the rooftop pool. Carrie gabbles about the mental state of her boyfriend, while Miranda complains about having to compete for Blair Underwood's attention with a hot young cheerleader. Stanford brags about how happy he is with Marcus 'cause of there being no secrets between them - but once he dives underwater and is temporarily out of earshot, Charlotte spills the beans about Marcus's stint as a gay escort named Paul, then passes around Anthony's copy of Honcho. Samantha gasps and loudly blurts out, "Oh my! Is that Marcus?!" just as Stanford emerges from the pool and asks, "Is what Marcus?" - and Samantha reluctantly hands over the magazine. When he demands to know where it came from, Charlotte admits that Anthony gave it to her...and while Stanford's mulling over that humiliation, a waiter comes by to ask which one of them is [claiming to be] Annabelle Bronstein. Samantha says she is - but the waiter says that's impossible, since Annabelle is currently in London. And British. Samantha slips into a fake sounding British accent and starts prattling nonsense while the other gals wisely beat a hasty retreat. Samantha hangs in there, continuing to make a half-hearted effort to pretend to the waiter that she's Annabelle Bronstein...but after a few seconds, it's clear that the jig is up, and she gathers up her stuff and dashes out before security shows up.
Miranda's in her building's lobby, getting her mail, when she runs into Blair Underwood, who asks her where she disappeared to after the Knick's game. Miranda sullenly says he looked busy talking to that nubile cheerleader, then asks if he likes her. Blair Underwood chuckles and says he likes someone else...then leans in close and clarifies, "You." He plants a smooch on her lips, and the two get amorous until a crotchety looking woman enters the mail room and glares derisively at their PDA.
David Duchovny shows up at Carrie's apartment carrying a bag of marbles to illustrate what he lost when he dated her in high school...and then, more recently, when he decided to start seeing her again. He sheepishly says he probably should have told her about his mental problems sooner - but then insists that being in a mental institution isn't as bad as it sounds, and that he needs to be there 'cause of all "the heavy stuff" he's currently going through. Carrie contorts her horsey face into an expression of empathy...and a few seconds later the two start smooching and get it on.
Miranda is in bed with Blair Underwood, enthusiastically riding him while wearing her bra.
Stanford is over at Carrie's, telling her he confronted Marcus about his secret life as a gay escort named Paul...and that Marcus explained that he only did it to finance his dance classes. Stanford says he's so dismayed by the secrecy that he instantly dumped Marcus, which means he no longer has a date to the LGBT prom. He moans that it's like high school all over again, then begs Carrie to be his date - but Carrie says she can't 'cause she has to visit her boyfriend at the asylum. When she blushes all smitten-like, Stanford correctly guesses that she and David Duchovny finally hit the sheets.
When Carrie arrives at the asylum, David Duchovny waits for her in the lobby, holding up a sign with Bradshaw written on it, like limo drivers at the airport do. Har har. The two head outside and enjoy a picnic on the front lawn...and a few minutes into the scene, Michael Patrick King makes a needless cameo as a fleeing mental patient who's quickly subdued by the guards. David Duchovny tells Carrie there's no getting around the fact that this is a full-on psychiatric facility, so Carrie breezily says he's probably the sanest person here. He's like, "Uh, speaking of being sane..." then tells her it's probably not the best idea for them to start any kind of relationship 'cause he's going to be stuck in the asylum for the next 8-10 months. Very deft, David Duchovny.
Carrie and Stanford are dancing together at the LGBT prom when Marcus cuts in and begs Stanford to forgive his secret life as a gay escort. When Carrie wanders over to the punch table to give them their privacy, Stanford asks Marcus if he ever slept with Anthony...and when Marcus looks suitably horrified and exclaims, "God no!" the two quickly make up, press up against each other, and sway to the music. Carrie grins happily at her gay friends' happy ending and does a solo jig to the retro beat.
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Recap: The episode opens with a series of clips of Carrie shopping at fancy stores for wedding and baby shower gifts for her friend Tatum O'Neal...and after several clips of her settling for whatever's left on the registry - 'cause I'm going to assume that she waited until the last minute to do her gift shopping - she dramatically sighs in exhaustion. In the next scene, she and Stanford are on their way to Tatum O'Neal's third baby shower...and when they arrive at her spacious loft, Tatum's sister (Margot) snarkishly asks them to remove their shoes, 'cause apparently Tatum and her husband are ultra fussy about outside dirt coming into the apartment. Carrie tries to argue that her overpriced Manolo stilettos are a critical part of her strange-as-fuck outfit - a purple corset top that showcases the black bra she's wearing underneath, and a fugly lime green skirt - but Margot doesn't give a rat's ass and blithely chirps, "They'd really appreciate it."
Miranda is at a co-op board meeting to vote on a prospective new tenant: a sports doctor for the Knicks. Miranda implores the group to not prolong the decision 'cause she has to get back to Brady, who's sick with the chicken pox. When the sports doctor arrives - hey, it's hunky Blair Underwood! - Miranda perks up at his hotness and gets all giggly and flirty...and when one of the board members brings up his finances, Miranda shoots her the stink-eye and snaps, "We'll get to it" and resumes her gushy banter.
Harry is making himself at home in Charlotte's apartment...and by making himself at home, I mean he's leaving his used tea bags everywhere. Charlotte trails after him and gathers them all up, her face scrunched with irritation.
After Blair Underwood exits the meeting, Miranda turns toward the board and dreamily coos, "Well...he's perrrrrfect!" One of the more crotchety board members snarks how concerning it is that he's never owned property before and has high alimony payments - but Miranda tells her she's crazy and accuses the board of being biased: against Blair Underwood for being super hot, and her for suffering through a particularly horny patch.
Carrie and Stanford decide to call it a night, so they bid adieu to Tatum O'Neal et al. and head over to the foyer. Carrie's stilettos are nowhere to be found, and she stares around in puzzlement before she and Stanford head back into the living room to report that her Manolos seem to have gone missing. Tatum O'Neal's dorky husband takes a long drag from the joint he's smoking and goes, "That's craaaaazy", prompting a peeved stink-eye from Carrie. Tatum shrugs indifferently and says that maybe one of the guests wore her shoes home by mistake, then breezily adds that she's sure they'll eventually turn up. She loans Carrie a pair of sneakers...and as Carrie lumbers home, she contorts her horsey face into an expression of extreme displeasure.
At the next Gigola Summit at a fancy dessert place, Carrie moans about her missing Manolos after being pressured by Margot to take them off. Samantha wryly says the only place those expensive shoes are turning up in is a pawn shop in Brooklyn, and Miranda chimes in and says that legally Tatum O'Neal owes her for them. Samantha glares at an unruly young boy, who's running around the restaurant with chocolate smeared all over his face and starts railing about how sick she is of people bringing their kids to adult restaurants. She hastily apologizes to Miranda for her anti-child snarkitude - but Miranda concurs and says the only kid she can actually tolerate is Brady. Charlotte changes the subject and tells the gals that the transition of Harry's move into her apartment is going smoothly, except for the "tea bag situation" ... which Samantha naturally interprets as a "ball sucking" situation and offers her expert advice of "just breathe through your nose" and that's all I'm going to say 'bout that.
Back at Casa York-Goldenblatt, Harry gushes to Charlotte about how much he looooves living with her, then dumps his wet tea bag on the kitchen counter. Charlotte looks momentarily pained, then says she doesn't want to be a nag...but his annoying habit of leaving wet tea bags all over the apartment is driving her squirrelly. He looks sheepish and says he's been doing his best to be careful in her house - and she reminds him that it's their house and that he should be comfortable in it...but preferably without leaving wet tea bags everywhere.
Miranda runs into Blair Underwood in the elevator of her building, and he correctly assumes that she had something to do with the co-op board approving his application. He then leans in close and spots a red mark on Miranda's face - a sign she's about to get chicken pox - then offers to accompany her to her apartment so he can flirtily dab some lotion on her face. She explains that her son has chicken pox...and when Magda enters the living room to put Brady down for his nap, she glares disapprovingly at Blair Underwood 'cause I'm pretty sure she's staunchly Team Steve.
Carrie dons a sundress and wraps a stupid looking bow-tie around her neck to drop by Tatum O'Neal's place to return the sneakers she loaned her and to ask if there's been any word on her missing Manolos. Tatum stares at her blankly and goes, "No, it's weird" ... and during the awkward pause that follows, she apologizes for not offering to cover the cost of the shoes earlier than this moment and pulls out her check book. She asks Carrie how much the shoes cost...and when Carrie says she paid $485 for them (!), a disdainful Tatum tells her how fucking insane it is for someone in her economic bracket to spend that much dough on a single pair of shoes (especially considering that episode when Carrie faced near homelessness 'cause of her appalling financial irresponsibility) and offers to give her $200 instead. Carrie flinches at being admonished for her overpriced shoe fetish and reminds Tatum that she too used to wear Manolos when she was single - and Tatum's like, "Well duh, that was before I had a real life" and tells Carrie it was her choice to pay such an exorbitant amount of money for shoes. Carrie snidely retorts that it wasn't her choice to take the shoes off, and Tatum rolls her eyes and says, "They're just shoes" ... which was a pretty dickish retort, but since it's Carrie she's talking down to, I'm happy to let it go.
Carrie phones Miranda, who now has full blown chicken pox, to complain about how Tatum O'Neal "shoe-shamed" her - and Miranda rails that Tatum is "a fucking bitch" for making her feel that way. Buoyed by the support, Carrie later taps on her laptop as she ponders aloud, "When did we stop being free to be you and me?" and stares contemplatively into space.
Harry enters the kitchen in his birthday suit...yeech...then proudly demonstrates to Charlotte that he's now properly discarding his tea bags into the garbage can. Charlotte's all, "Wha-a-a?" as she worriedly watches him prance around, then lounge bare-assed on her pristine furniture.
Days later, Carrie calls up Tatum O'Neal in an effort to clear the air and tells her she feels weird about their last conversation. Tatum dismissively says she forgot about that days ago and bitchily remarks, "Man, you must have a lot of time on your hands." She then sets the phone down to deal with a baby emergency...and her young daughter picks up the phone, calls Carrie Santa, then hangs up on her. Carrie reacts by grimacing into space.
Carrie ambles down the street with Charlotte, complaining about all the money she's shelled out over the years to buy gifts for Tatum O'Neal in celebration of her various life choices - engagement, wedding baby showers - and is irked that Tatum had the nerve to shoe shame her. She points out that after graduation, there isn't a single occasion to celebrate an unmarried/childless person...and Charlotte tells her she's right, and that she probably shouldn't have hit up her friends for gifts for wedding #2. No duh.
Samantha's having a working lunch in a restaurant, talking to a client on her cell phone while glaring disdainfully at a kid who's messily eating pasta at the next table. When the waiter informs Samantha that they don't allow cell phones 'cause they're disruptive, she asks what he's doing about that noise and points at the kid. The waiter haughtily replies, "Nothing...that's a child" so Samantha ambles over to chide the mother for bringing her sloppy spawn to a grown up restaurant. The kid reacts by throwing pasta at Samantha, which gets caught in her hair and stains her fancy white suit...and the mother looks visibly amused as she pretends to rebuke her demon child. Samantha stiffly stalks exits the restaurant...and I was all, "Huh?" 'cause I was expecting a much different reaction, or at least some kind of reaction.
Charlotte finds a naked Harry sitting bare-assed on her white chaise lounge. She summons all of her diplomatic restraint and tells him she's doing her best to not be so rigid...but would greatly appreciate it if he could please put something between his bare ass and her white furniture. He cheerfully agrees to go put on a pair of shorts...and as he continues to sit there, smiling stupidly at her, she impatiently barks, "Now..?!" LOL.
Miranda is watching her favorite soapy trash, Jules & Mimi, when Blair Underwood drops by to check on her. He asks her what she's watching on TV...and when she gives him a summary of the show, he goes, "I'm intrigued" and invites himself to stay awhile and watch. By scripted coincidence, Jules and Mimi immediately start hitting the sheets in earnest.
Carrie leaves a phone message for Tatum O'Neal, announcing that she's getting married - to herself! - 'cause, no, that's not weird at all. She adds that she's registered at Manolo Blahnik, then hangs up while smiling smugly to herself. Subtle, Carrie.
At the Manolo store, Tatum O'Neal has dragged her kids along as she purchases a replacement pair of the shoes Carrie lost at her apartment. The saleswoman snarks at her to corral her kids, 'cause there'll be hell to pay if the rugrats so much as touch the overpriced merchandise. Take that, married mother of three.
After unpacking her replacement shoes, Carrie delightedly puts them on, then goes outside to skip around town and babble in a voiceover about how hard it is to walk in a single woman's shoes...or some such nonsense.
Recap: Carrie is climbing a rope ladder to get to a flying trapeze platform 'cause apparently an editor at New York Magazine wants her to take a break from her usual I couldn't help but wonder sexploity schlock to describe what it feels like to swing through the air. Two hours later, Carrie voice-overs that she's officially hooked on swinging...but when she's supposed to let go of her swing and grab the hands of her instructor who's on another swing, she's too afraid to do it. Ho hum.
Samantha's dress zipper gets stuck, so she phones Smith and summons him to come over so he can undo her, and then do her.
Over in Central Park, Charlotte and Harry are having official engagement photos taken 'cause Charlotte really really wants their photo and wedding announcement to be chosen for publication in The Sunday Times. She urges Harry to contort his face into a more natural looking expression...and for some reason he retorts by gushing about how excited he is to marry her.
Steve drops off Brady at Miranda's apartment and gives her an aromatherapy candle that Debbie bought for her. He says the two of them should probably meet one of these days - but Miranda makes an eww face and argues that they need not ever meet.
At the next brunch summit, Miranda complains to the gigolas about how Debbie bought her "a fucking candle" and that Steve wants them to meet. Carrie concurs about what a horrible idea that is, then admits she only said that just now as a show of support for her prickly friend. Charlotte points out that since there's a child involved, it's probably not the worst idea in the world for her to meet her baby daddy's girlfriend, but Miranda natters some nonsense about how Debbie is using Brady to get to her and that she's not "falling for it" , it being...well, who the hell knows? Harry and his best man Howie, who's in town from Portland, come by the restaurant to drop off the seating chart for the wedding...and also so Howie can take a gander at Carrie and decide if he'd be into tapping such a horsey faced gal. When Carrie seems oblivious to Harry's matchmaking attempts, Howie hands her his business card and invites her to call. Once he and Harry are out of earshot, the gals urge Carrie to go for it - but she pretends as though she has absolutely no interest in a meaningless romp with an out-of-towner.
Back at Casa Bradshaw, Carrie taps away on her computer and pontificates about there being no safety net in life, and that not everyone has someone to catch them when they fall. I can't help but wonder if this type of metaphor-laden crap was what the New York Magazine editor had in mind when he assigned her to swing around on a trapeze.
The next day, Carrie goes trapeze swinging again...but once again she's too afraid to let go of her swing and grab the hands of her instructor. Ho hum.
Anthony Marantino is over at Charlotte's apartment to help her with some last minute wedding planning. When she enters the room to give him a preview of her lovely wedding gown, he gasps and breathlessly compares her to Audrey Hepburn. Owitz. When the fact-checker from The Sunday Times calls to confirm the spelling of hers and Harry's names, the two shriek happily and giddily start dancing...and just as that's happening, Harry arrives home and accidentally gets a sneak peek of Charlotte's wedding gown. She shrieks, "OMG! It's baaaaaaad luck for you to see me in my dress!" and hides behind Anthony before she miserably flees the room.
Samantha is struggling to put on a pearl bracelet - but luckily Smith is over, and he offers to help her fasten it. He says he's bummed that they can't spend his last night (before leaving for Mexico for the Van Sant filming) doinking, but Samantha breezily points out that he'll only be away for two weeks and that he should feel free to not do anything she wouldn't do - which rules out exactly nothing.
Miranda is singing to Brady when she hears Steve and Debbie approach her apartment door. In a hushed voice she orders Magda to tell them she's not home, then rushes over to her bedroom and crawls under the bed with Fatty, who I guess is also resistant to meeting Steve's new gal. Steve and Debbie enter the bedroom to look for something of Brady's...and after they find it and exit the apartment, Miranda emerges from her hiding spot with dust all over her clothes. She tells an amused Magda that someone should probably vacuum all the dust bunnies that have accumulated under her bed.
At Charlotte's rehearsal dinner, Miranda tells Carrie that Debbie is so crazy that she had to hide under her bed to avoid meeting her. Carrie refrains from telling her that Debbie is definitely not the crazy one in this scenario, and that she should probably just meet the woman and get it over with. Miranda sullenly says if she does that, she'll finally have to face up to the reality that Steve has upgraded to a kinder, far more attractive woman. Samantha points at Howie across the room and urges Carrie to hit the sheets with him before he leaves for Portland...and Carrie decides why the hell not? and ambles over to him to engage in some cringeworthy flirty banter. In the next scene, she's in bed with him enduring frantic jackrabbit sex which she likens to teenage sex, meaning "he had no idea what he was doing, and I didn't say anything".
Samantha is having problems removing her pearl bracelet and gets frustrated when she suddenly remembers that she can't summon Smith to come over and undo it for her.
Charlotte is in bed with Harry when she detects the arrival of The Sunday Times as it lands with a thud at her doorstep...and she bolts out of bed to check out her marriage announcement. Her excitement turns to horror when an ink stain on the newspaper page makes it look like she has a Hitler-esque moustache. She calls up Carrie, who's stretching her neck - strained from a night of unwanted jackrabbit sex - to see if there's an ink stain on the engagement photo in her copy of The Times...and when Carrie's like yep, Charlotte wails about the horror of having a Hitler moustache in her engagement photo on the eve of her Jewish wedding.
Wedding day! Carrie arrives at the synagogue still suffering neck pain...and she's decked out in a fugly cleavage-baring dress with a dumb looking braid roped across the top of her head. She tells Stanford about the horrible sex she endured with Howie...and when Howie spots her, he makes a beeline over to her and saucily tells her he has a hotel suite with a king sized bed. Carrie mumbles, "I dunno" and says she's still tired from last night and figured it was a one night stand kind of thing. Howie gets insulted, accuses her of using him for sex, then says if he'd known she was going to dump him after one night he never would have made love to her like that. Carrie's all, "Wuh?" and stares perplexedly into space.
During the ceremony, an angry Howie mouths fuck you to Carrie while Harry accidentally spills wine on Charlotte's wedding gown as the two take sips from a chalice. Samantha struggles to unfasten her pearl bracelet and ends up spilling the pearls all over the floor, which causes Charlotte to trip on them after she and Harry are pronounced husband and wife. Fortunately, Harry catches her so she doesn't take an embarrassing spill in front of all the guests.
Over in the bathroom, Charlotte tearfully dabs at the wine stain on her dress. She tells Carrie that she and Harry are cursed 'cause of how big a disaster the wedding is turning out to be...and when she starts bellyaching about how perfect she wanted everything to be, blah blah, Carrie reminds her that hers and Trey's wedding was perfect - but that the actual marriage started sucking within a year. She then shares a theory that just popped into her head: the worse the wedding, the better the marriage! She urges Charlotte to buck up and stop missing her wedding by feeling sorry for herself in the bathroom...and to remember that she has a wonderful man who loves her enough to catch her when she falls. Charlotte mulls over that not-so-subtle tie-in to Carrie's trapeze swinging sub-plot and decides she's ready to resume celebrating her wedding and start wrapping up this dud of an episode.
When it's Howie's turn to make the best man's toast, he praises Charlotte and Harry for finding each other "despite all the bullshit", then goes off the rails about how people are a bitch who leave you hanging. A puzzled Stanford asks Carrie if this is a toast or a roast - just as Howie ends his nonsensical rant with, "Love means never having to say: you used me for sex!" LOL. When Miranda gets up to make her toast, she mumbles a few kind words about Charlotte going after what she wants - just as her speech catches on fire when she leans in too close to the candle. Anthony throws his wine at her to douse the flame...and Charlotte tells Harry about Carrie's wedding/marriage theory and the two agree that the awkward toasts have guaranteed that they'll make it to their gold anniversary. After that, dancing and merriment ensues...and when Charlotte throws her bouquet toward the single gals, it beans Miranda on the head. Haha!
Carrie takes one last crack at the trapeze - but she still doesn't have the courage to fly off her swing and catch the hands of her instructor. She caps off the episode by nattering about her "safety net" in the form of her three best friends...and we see that the gigolas are standing nearby, cheering her on.
Recap: Charlotte flashes her sparkly diamond engagement ring in the air as she cheerfully hails a cab. Just as she's about to climb inside, a woman rushes over to claim it for herself - and since Charlotte is in too much of a euphoric state to get irked, she happily gives up the cab and hails another. Across town, a businessman bumps into Carrie as she's stomping down the street while decked out in a baggy filmy white top with a purple bra underneath [whaddup with her always showcasing her bra??]. When the man continues walking without even grunting an apology, an enraged Carrie whirls around and shrieks, "You're SOOOO busy! You're SOOOO busy!" then ambles over to a nearby diner to meet the gigolas for brunch. She's about to blurt out the news of her post-it dumping when Charlotte interjects to report that she and Harry made up last night and got engaged. Squeal! The gals are all, "OMG!" and admire her princess cut diamond (I notice the writers seem strangely partial to the princess cut), and Samantha declares it even more fabulous than her first engagement ring, which prompts Charlotte to pause for a few seconds and put her pensively sad face on. She then turns to Carrie and asks what her big news is, so Carrie announces that Jack broke up with her on a post-it, then holds it up so they can read it - I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me. - and Samantha wryly remarks, "The motherfucker is concise." A confused Miranda says, "Um, I thought you were going to dump him" and Carrie says she was - but then foolishly abandoned that idea when Jack told her he wanted to try to work things out. She says she refuses to leave an angry message on his answering machine, then pronounces that their chemistry-free relationship was a colossal waste of a stupid storyline that sucked up waaaaay too much airtime of this show's final season.
After brunch, Carrie tells Samantha she's going to take a page out of her book and from now on just keep things light with men. I'll take that to mean she's planning to step it up with her one night stands. She then declares she's going to spend as much time mourning her relationship with Jack as he spent ending it...then stops walking, stares into space for three seconds, and chirps, "OK - I'm over it!" She moans about how desperately she needs for the four of them to go out tonight and have a fantastic time, so Samantha fishes around her purse and pulls out an invitation that reads Come to Bed, and explains that tonight is the grand opening of Bed: Manhattan's hottest, most aptly named new hookup joint.
Back at Casa Bradshaw, Carrie studies Jack's breakup post-it while tapping out her weekly column, nattering in a voice-over about how easy breakups are for men, while women are always expected to learn something, blah blah..
Smith tells Samantha he doesn't like designer labels and would just prefer to wear jeans and a tank top for his upcoming MTV appearance. Samantha nods approvingly and coos, "That works too" and he cuddles her while rhetorically asking how he was able to hook himself up with "such an amazing girlfriend". Yeesh. He's madder than a hatter, this hottie. Samantha flinches at being given the girlfriend label and tells him that if he's asked on MTV whether or not he's dating, he should say he's still looking but hasn't found anyone special yet. She then hands him a pair of Dior sunglasses and says he should wear something overpriced so the kids will still know to look up to him.
Charlotte sorts through her closet and puts her pensively sad face on again when she comes across her wedding gown from her flaccid marriage to Trey.
Miranda, meanwhile, is searching her closet for an outfit to wear to the Bed opening...and looks intrigued when she comes across a long forgotten pair of skinny jeans. She's delighted to discover that they fit, and gives her taut bod a smug once-over in the mirror.
When Miranda struts over to Bed, she excitedly tells the gals that she managed to fit into her skinny jeans - and they applaud her for looking hot in her retro denim attire. Miranda explains that she's now able to fit into them 'cause she lost so much weight being a single working mother who has no time to eat...then jokingly tells Charlotte she loves herself in her skinny jeans so much that she wants to wear them to the wedding. Charlotte scrunches her face in distress and says she now feels dumb for making such a big fuss about her engagement ring, mostly 'cause she already did all this wedding stuff in Season 3. Fair point. She says it would probably be most appropriate to have a small, tasteful wedding...then promises to not torture them by making them be bridesmaids. The three perk up at that, then start wooting and cheering. Haha!
A few seconds after the gigolas enter Bed, Miranda struts her stuff toward the ladies room...and gets "accidentally" shoved onto a bed with a blonde dork named Peter. The two flirtily banter, and Peter invites her to stay awhile.
Carrie spots a group of Jack's friends (Billy et. al.) sitting a few feet away...and when Samantha tells her to ignore them, Carrie says she doesn't want it to get back to Jack that she was childish...even though childishness seems to be the least objectionable of her many undesirable traits I'm sure Jack has already twigged onto. Charlotte urges Carrie to be calm, classy and act like Jack is the last thing on her mind...and a few seconds later, Carrie ambles over to say hey to Billy. When Billy introduces her to the other two guys as "Berger's girlfriend", she needlessly stammers, "Er...uh...this is awkward, but Berger and I just broke up" and Billy nods knowingly and says he knew they had problems [plus the no chemistry thing]. Carrie nonsensically blurts out, "And he was bad in bed" ... and as Billy stares perplexedly into space, Carrie rushes back to where Samantha and Charlotte are sitting and tells them she just took the lowest road possible, and explains that the insult about Jack's doinkability just tumbled out of her mouth. Charlotte urges her to go back over there and explain - noooooooooooo, whyyyyyyyy?? - so Carrie throws back a drink and heads back for round 2. She tells Billy that what she just blurted out was terrible and not true...then needlessly back pedals about how generally OK Jack was in the sack, and that she merely said it 'cause she's hurt. Billy nods and says that breakups are tough...and Carrie's like, "And tougher in this case considering that Jack broke up me on a post-it." When Billy just kind of nods with his eyes looking glazed over at the growing tediousness of this increasingly awkward encounter, Carrie says she realizes that since Jack is his friend he can't have a normal reaction to a post-it breakup...then contorts her horsey face into a WTF? expression to demonstrate how most people have been reacting to her breakup story. Billy suggests that maybe Jack was afraid she's have an angry reaction - and one of Billy's friends chimes in and says that newly dumped women have a tendency to get all psycho-bitch. Carrie proves his point when she starts railing about how there are appropriate ways to end a relationship, then shrieks, "And it doesn't include a post-it!" Billy et. al. are like, "Er, OK..?" and Carrie rushes back over to Samantha and Charlotte and says they need to leave immediately, which...d'yuh.
Peter tells Miranda he's shocked that a hottie like her is single - just as the gigolas come over and tell her they're fleeing Bed. Miranda says bye to Peter and gives him a grateful smile for further buoying her skinny jeans inspired confidence.
After exiting Bed, Carrie gets a whiff of marijuana smoke from a couple of dorky hipsters who just happen to slouch by. She perks up and announces that she'd like to cloud her brain as thickly as possible, so Miranda eagerly sashays over to the hipsters to ask about their pot connection. She sashays back a few seconds later and says their dealer can usually be found hanging out in a dive bar around the corner.
Inside the dive bar, which Charlotte disdainfully calls Smell, Samantha spots a TV over by the bar and says she'd like to catch Smith's interview on MTV. Elsewhere, a group of women are celebrating their friend's engagement, which prompts Charlotte to once again put her pensively sad face on. When Carrie asks whassup with her deflated mood, she laments rushing head-first into an ill-fated marriage with Trey and doesn't feel like she deserves to celebrate her second wedding with any kind of fuss. I could get on board fully concurring with that. Carrie assures her she can celebrate however she wants, but Charlotte shakes her head and says it wouldn't be appropriate. One of the women celebrating her friend's engagement approaches to ask Charlotte if she wouldn't mind taking a photo of all of them - and Carrie gets in on that action and tells her that Charlotte too is engaged - and the bride-to-be gamely invites Charlotte to be in the photo as well...then gushes over her sparkly diamond ring. The hipsters - who, incidentally, look about half Miranda's age - tell Miranda that their pot dealer doesn't appear to be around tonight...and when they start arguing about who gets to buy her a drink, she blushes girlishly and is all, "Gentlemen, please." LOL. While watching MTV, Samantha catches the part where Smith tells the interviewer that he hasn't met anyone special and is still looking...and she looks miffed, despite him repeating the rehearsed answer word-for-word. She reacts by smooching the guy who's sitting next to her at the bar...and his scary Jersey Shore-esque girlfriend emerges from the shadows and is all, "The fuck?!" and she and her equally as scary friends threaten to kick Samantha's ass. Samantha and Carrie panic and flee the bar...and Carrie says she's ready to throw in the towel on the evening and calls it a total bust. Samantha gleefully says it's not a total bust, then pulls out a joint she was able to score from the bartender. The two start puffing away and bitch about men - just as a police car pulls up beside them, red lights flashing. The cop orders Carrie, who's in mid-inhale, to freeze - then puts her in the back of his car and threatens to haul her off to the station. Miranda pleads with him as "a lawyer and a mother" (?) to let her go...while the other two tell him that Carrie had a particularly difficult day after she was dumped via a post-it. The cop scoffs and says he doesn't believe that that actually happened - so Carrie slaps the post-it on the car window and tries to look as mournful as possible. The cop reads it aloud - bwahaha! - calls it brutal, then says in light of the callous dumping he'll downgrade her pot smoking charge to smoking inside a bar.
The gals top off the evening by going out for ice cream - and Carrie giddily recounts that this day won't be defined as the day she got dumped by a post-it, since it's also the day she "got arrested for smoking a doobie". Miranda points out that she didn't get arrested, then happily says she's rediscovering that Manhattan is filled with hot guys. Charlotte says she's changed her mind about her nuptials and wants to have bridesmaids after all...and when the other three stare back at her in horror, she quickly says they won't have to wear matching Vera Wang dresses like at her first wedding. The three cheer happily - then start laughing hysterically when the button on Miranda's skinny jeans can no longer hold everything in and pops open.
Recap: Jack is walking Carrie to the downtown courthouse where she's been called for jury duty. She asks him what his plans for the day are...and he just shrugs and says he'll probably look at some computer stuff, then tells her to call him when she's done at the courthouse so they can meet up. Carrie scrunches her face disapprovingly and asks him if he's planning on doing any writing today, and he gets all pissy 'cause he assumes she's implying that he's just going to sit on his ass all day...which, d'yuh. When Carrie stares despondently into space, Jack suggests they act out a Hollywood kiss...then bends her backwards and plants a smooch on her horsey face. The two exchange half-hearted I love yous before parting ways. Break up already.
Carrie tells the courthouse clerk she's not available to serve on a jury 'cause she's a freelance writer and doesn't have anyone to cover for her, but the weary looking clerk rolls her eyes and snarks, "Welcome to jury duty." Haha!
A frazzled Miranda is rushing to get ready for work when Magda arrives for another day of housekeeping/nannying. Miranda reminds her that she'll probably have to work late tonight...and Brady doesn't like the sound of that and mewls disapprovingly. Magda coos at him and remarks that he just misses his mama, and Miranda contorts her face with a guilt-ridden expression as she heads off to work.
Charlotte is at the synagogue, helping a gaggle of older Jewish ladies prepare for some event that the Synagogue Sisterhood Society is hosting. When the women are reminded that Charlotte is newly single, they cluster around her to tell her about their [dorky] eligible-for-marriage sons...and Charlotte looks visibly overwhelmed by all the cackly gushing.
Samantha and Smith are standing on Madison Avenue, looking up at a giant poster of Smith lounging sexily naked in front of an Absolut vodka bottle. Yummy. Smith is dismayed by the shameless exploitation of his chiseled hotness and mutters, "Fuck me" and Samantha concurs and chortles that every woman in New York is going to be saying exactly that.
Carrie is sitting in a waiting room with other prospective jurors. A portly man sitting beside her opens his briefcase and pulls out a mango...then just holds it in his hands while vacantly staring into space. Carrie later recounts this oddity to Jack while they're out for dinner - just as Charlotte darts over to their table and anxiously flails her hands about. She tells them she's on the worst date of her life with the dorky son of a pushy Jewish woman from the synagogue. She asks Carrie to call her cell phone to tell her that something bad happened so she can promptly end the date and then join the two of them for dinner. With that plan in motion, Charlotte returns to the table where Dork Son is sitting...and a few seconds later her cell phone rings. She tells unsuspecting Dork Son, "I hope nothing bad happened" ... but when Carrie delivers the faux news that something bad happened, Charlotte widens her eyes and unconvincingly wails, "Something bad happened?!" In the next scene, she's sipping a drink with Carrie and Jack, recounting how bad she knew the date was going to be when Dork Son presented her with a bouquet of carnations. When Jack scrunches his face confusedly, she explains that carnations are filler flowers - but then concedes that flower type doesn't matter if you're with the right man. Case in point Harry: who was bald and talked with his mouth full...but she loved him anyway. Jack gets all jokey about Harry and filler flowers, and Carrie bitchily chides him for being an insensitive lug. When the waiter comes by to take their order, she makes a big annoying point of not wanting parsley on her plate and fibs to the waiter that she has a deadly parsley allergy. Once the waiter is out of earshot, Jack calls her out for fibbing, and then the two start bickering like an old married couple, blah blah. Break up already. Charlotte looks aghast at the awkward turn the dinner has taken and stammers, "I have to...uh...go. Bye!" and wisely beats a hasty retreat.
Carrie and Jack keep up the pissy awkwardness during the cab ride home. He admonishes her for putting him down in front of her friend, then irritably asks, "When did you stop being on my side?" ... and Carrie unhelpfully retorts by repeating his question back at him. Jack tells he thinks they need some time apart asap, and Carrie looks implausibly shocked that he's even been entertaining the notion of a separation. When the cab pulls up to her brownstone, she looks even more put out when he tells her he's not staying over. She urges him to change his mind 'cause they have a lot to talk about - but he says he's off to the Hamptons to think hard about their miserable dysfunction of a relationship and promises to call when he returns.
At the next brunch summit, Carrie tells the gigolas she's pretty sure that this could be the end of her chemistry-free fling with Jack, which...hallelujah. Samantha tells Carrie to stop her incessant frowning 'cause it'll make her horsey face looks wrinklier than it currently does, then says that the test of a good relationship is if it makes you smile. She then hands out Absolut postcards featuring naked Smith - yummy! - but Carrie barely glances at it and continues to moan about stupid Jack. An exasperated Miranda urges her to use this enforced timeout to think about what she wants.
Carrie brings her laptop to the jury duty room and writes some drivel about whether or not couples need distance to get close. It doesn't matter in your case. Break up already.
Miranda arrives late to a work meeting and is surprised to learn that she's been summoned so that one of the partners (Maurice) and some flunky named Fern can admonish her about arriving to work late/leaving early and struggling to handle her caseload. Miranda snarkishly argues that she's actually kicking ass on the McKenzie brief...then reminds them that when her mom died, she was back in the office on Monday.
Smith meets up with Samantha in a bar as she enjoys a shot of Absolut. She giddily says, "You're a drink!" - but a despondent Smith grumbles that his AA friends are accusing him of being a sellout for advertising liquor, and his family is so embarrassed by his naked poster that they're hiding all copies of it from his faint-hearted grandmother. Samantha dismisses them as "drunks, nobodies, prudes" ... and just when he complains that he hasn't gotten any auditions out of it, an unmistakably gay guy comes over to gush about how he and the gay men he hangs with are huge fans of his Absolut hunkiness. Samantha nods knowingly and pronounces, "First come the gays, then the girls, then the industry."
Charlotte is out on a date with Dork Son #2. He comes right out and tells Charlotte there's just no hiding the fact that he's a gay man who brazenly burst out of the closet long ago - and that his mother is the only person who seems unwilling to face reality 'bout his sexuality. He then sees a copy of the Absolut poster of Smith and says he'd looooove to meet that hottie. Charlotte squeals, "I know him!" then breaks the disappointing news to Dork Son #2 that Smith is hetero.
At the synagogue the next day, Charlotte runs into yet another woman who wants to set her up with her son David - and when she flashes a photo of him, it looks like he's actually good looking.
Miranda rushes home from work, but is disappointed when Magda tells her she already put Brady to bed. Miranda scrunches her face with disappointment and gets back to work on her brief.
Carrie is clothes shopping at Century 21 when she gets a call on her cell from Big. The two (ugh) engage in their usual annoying flirty banter...and when he asks how things are going with "hot dog", she says that she and Berger are currently taking a break from each other. Big points out that they haven't been dating long enough to need a break from dating...and Carrie mulls this over and decides that Big may have a point. Later, she makes a beeline to the nearest car rental place to speed over to Jack's Hamptons house - but then abruptly slams on the brakes as it dawns on her what a needy and stupid idea it would be to chase her soon-to-be ex to the Hamptons. Especially when he's a day away from dumping her via a post-it.
Carrie drops by Miranda's apartment to moan about her deteriorating relationship with Jack and decides she'll probably break up with him. Magda brings Brady over for some mommy cuddle time - and when he immediately starts crying, Miranda wryly tells Carrie that he misses his "mommy" Magda, then scrunches her face in distress.
Miranda has a follow-up meeting with Maurice to tell him that she's going to have to cut back to fifty-five hours a week tops. [Yeesh. I put in a thirty-six hour work week and by Friday it feels like I've been at the workplace for an eternity.] Later, when Miranda puts Brady to bed, we see that she's taped photos of herself on the little mobile above his crib.
Smith gets upset when he sees that someone spray painted asshole on one of the Absolut posters in a bus shelter. Samantha tells him he's going to need a thicker skin, then assures him that everything is going to work out A-OK. When he asks, "What if you're wrong?", she stares into space looking momentarily worried - but then a crowd of schoolgirls spot Smith, shriek, "OMG! There he is! The Absolut hunk!" and rush toward him. Samantha looks on smugly...and Carrie voice-overs that a week later Gus Van Sant offered Smith a role in his latest film.
Charlotte is at a Jewish mixer with David...and she tells him that while he's super hot and gainfully employed, she's just not into meeting anyone new on account of she's still getting over the baldy who dumped her like yesterday's news after he twigged onto what a shallow gold digger she is. David's like, "OK. Wanna go back to my place for a doink?" - but Charlotte turns him down.
Charlotte overhears a woman complain that the only hot guy at the mixer just left...and that they're left with a bunch of fatties and baldies. At the mention of baldies, Charlotte glances around hopefully and spots a sad looking Harry milling around. When she ambles over to him, he wryly says, "Of all the synagogues and all the cities, you had to walk into mine." Charlotte tells him she's been mega depressed lately 'cause she finally realized how much she loves him and now knows how lucky she'd be if she were his gal. She says she no longer cares if he ever marries her and that all she really wants is to be with him. She asks him if he'd call her some time to ask her out again, but he says that that wouldn't be good enough, then - squeal! - lowers himself on one knee and proposes. Charlotte tearfully croaks yes! before giving him a smooch...and the Jewish woman who was complaining about the fatties and baldies tells her friend she's definitely coming back next week. Heh.
At jury duty, the man with the briefcase pulls out a coconut...and Carrie voice-overs that she knew Jack is the one person in the world who would find this oddity amusing.
Later, Jack comes over to Carrie's apartment clutching a bouquet of carnations. Hee! He squeezes out an I love you and says he'd like to try to somehow make their chemistry-free, dysfunctional relationship work. Go figure. Carrie hugs him and tells him about the weird jury duty guy pulling a coconut out of his briefcase.
The next morning, Carrie wakes up to an empty bed...and an empty apartment. She gets out of bed and wanders around with her face scrunched confusedly, then spots the post-it note on her laptop that reads 'I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me'. Bwahahahaha!!! Carrie stares at it in disbelief for a few seconds, then takes an angry swing at the vase containing the carnations Jack brought over the night before. The scene gets dramatically quiet as the camera slowly pans out...and all we can see and hear is the drip drip drip of the water dribbling out of the vase and onto the floor. Bwahahahaha!!! Awesome.
Recap: Carrie takes Jack to Prada so she can introduce him to the people in her world...such as Tony, the Prada salesclerk who routinely gushes over her "beauty" so that he can upsell her on overpriced designer wear. Jack glances around the giant warehouse-like store and mutters, "Holy shit." He receives cheek kisses by Tony, then is offered champagne by a pretty saleswoman so he can kick back and dull his senses while Carrie tries on the latest fashions.
Post-doink, Samantha asks Smith if he's free for their regular Friday night romp, but he has to decline 'cause he's appearing in a play called Full Moon. He hands her a sad looking postcard that serves as the only promotion for the play...and Samantha looks it over, makes a blech face when she sees it's in Brooklyn, and snarks, "I don't do borough." Smith leans in real close and seductively purrs, "You come see me in Brooklyn - afterwards, I'll make sure you come and come in the bedroom" and Samantha perks up at the promise of a marathon doinkfest with her hot boy toy and says she'd be more than happy to attend.
Jack is guzzling champagne when Carrie exits the fitting room in an overpriced Prada dress she's considering adding to her wardrobe. Tony struts over carrying a dark red men's shirt to peddle to Jack - but Jack gasps when he sees the ridiculous price tag and declines. Tony tells Carrie he just broke up with his girlfriend Claudia, then asks her if she she has any single gal pals who are as fantastic as she is - OMFG - and Carrie grins and says indeed she does have someone in mind.
At the next brunch summit, Carrie tells Charlotte to cheer up 'cause she'd like to set her up with Tony from Prada. Charlotte asks if he's Jewish...and when the gigolas shoot her a look of bemused incredulity, she irritably asks if they thought she'd simply discard her new religious beliefs two seconds after Harry dumped her like yesterday's news. Miranda's like, "Uh, yeah..?" and Charlotte haughtily insists she's no fair-weather Jew, despite her sadness about about Harry giving her the heave-ho. She says she's deeply embarrassed about having to tell prospective new boyfriends about her marriage/dating history...as well she should be, since no one put a gun to her head and forced her to marry Trey only a few months after they met, and then jump into the sack with Harry five minutes after signing divorce papers. Carrie suggests she keep it casual by bringing Tony along for drinks on Friday - but when Samantha checks her day planner, she lets out a string of expletives and says she can't come on Friday night 'cause she promised Smith she'd go see his play.
Miranda is watching TV when Steve drops off Brady. He gives her some leftover birthday cake from the moms at the playground, then says he needs to rush home to catch the Knicks game. Miranda invites him to stay and watch the game at her apartment...and he mulls that over and decides why the hell not? Later, after the game goes into overtime, Steve ends up falling asleep on the couch...and Miranda stands a few feet away, staring sadly at his sleeping form, no doubt kicking herself for treating him like a pile of garbage when she so callously dumped him soon after he adopted that cute puppy.
Carrie is loaded down with shopping bags when she meets up with Jack, and he jokes about her Prada abuse problem. She retorts by presenting him with the dark red shirt that Tony had recommended...and Jack says she can't afford to blow good money on an overpriced Prada shirt, but she's like, "Uh, I can actually" and giddily flashes him the $25,000 advance check she received for her book. Apparently, her 'I couldn't help but wonder' schlock is all the rage in Paris. Go figure. She then natters about how fabulous he is and that she's not taking no for an answer about him accepting the red shirt into his wardrobe...and he gives in, but looks less than thrilled.
Carrie and Miranda are ambling along the street, pushing Brady in his stroller. They run into Courtney, who tells Carrie she just got fired by Clearwater Press 'cause of disappointing sales in her sector. She adds that Jack must also be bummed 'cause Clearwater dropped the option to publish his second book. Once Courtney is out of earshot, Carrie moans to Miranda about how stupid she now feels for waving her 25K check around and buying Jack that ridiculously expensive shirt...even though she should have felt stupid about doing all that independent of Courtney's bombshell. Miranda tells her she should be able to celebrate her success and not worry about how it affects Jack...but then advises her to stay mum on the subject until Jack brings it up. Excellent advice which, naturally, Carrie ignores.
Over in Central Park, Anthony is checking out hot straight guys on Charlotte's behalf - but she tells him she's not into man-trolling 'cause she's still getting over Harry. Anthony dismissively tells her her it's been two weeks and that she has to move on, but Charlotte moans about losing the love of her life and says she can't get herself interested in any other man.
Samantha is visibly bored by Smith's badly attended play - but she perks up when Smith enters the stage and silently takes off his overalls and bares his naughties. When the two go at it, later at her apartment, he asks her if she liked his monologue...and she's like, "Monologue..?" - LOL - and and says her mind went blank as soon as he "dropped trou". Smith says he had to quit his restaurant job 'cause they refused to give him time off for the play...and Samantha scrunches her face with an expression of empathy and says she's going to do him the favor of helping him become a big star by donating her expert PR services to the theatre in better promoting Full Moon.
Carrie and Jack are sitting in bed reading when Carrie asks him if anything's wrong...then spills the beans about running into Courtney and hearing all about how his option for a second book got dropped by the publisher. Jack scrunches his face in mortification and says he didn't want anyone to know - then half-heartedly assures her he's still happy for her implausible success as a published author. Carrie offers to put in a good word for him with her editor, but he snarkishly declines the offer and curls up on his side of the bed. Carrie tells him that things are going to work out A-OK 'cause he's a super great writer, but he just grunts in response and stares dully into space.
While out for drinks that night, Carrie complains to Samantha that Jack grunted at her when she was trying to stroke his ego, then chides herself for stupidly telling him she heard all about his failed book deal. Samantha says that sometimes men who are flailing about need a strong woman to charge in and help - like the way she just did with her boy toy. She pulls out a newspaper and shows Carrie the article she helped cobble together that promotes Full Moon. The fluff piece labels Smith "the next it boy" and declares that "the glitterati are migrating to Brooklyn to see him act" ... and by glitterati she means the SATC gals, who are being ordered to show up 'cause she bought them all tickets for opening night. When an incredulous Carrie asks her if Smith was OK with her doing all of this free publicity on his behalf, Samantha happily says he's of the generation where men aren't threatened by a woman's power and connections.
Carrie mulls over that notion and goes home and taps on her computer about whether men in this new era of gender equality are no longer threatened by a woman's power. Or some such shit. Maybe Smith is just a chill, secure guy.
Steve is baking cupcakes when Miranda drops by to pick up Brady. She acts all flirty and offers to finish decorating the cupcakes so that Steve can head off to work - right before her tells her that the cupcakes are for Debbie's birthday. Haha! As soon as Steve leaves, Miranda calls Carrie and tearfully tells her she somehow roped herself into decorating Debbie's birthday cupcakes...and Carrie's all, "Wuh?" and orders her to step away from the icing and decrees, "Debbie cannot have your tears." OK...though I'm pretty sure that Debbie, who's oblivious to Miranda's sudden change of heart about her feelings for Steve, wasn't expecting to have her tears.
Carrie exits her apartment after Jack rings her doorbell...and is less than thrilled to see that he's on his motorcycle. She says she's not dressed for a motorcycle ride and would prefer to not have helmet hair - but he insists he really really wants to ride over the Brooklyn Bridge. Carrie gives in, but asks him to please not ride too fast.
When Jack and Carrie arrive at the theatre, which is surrounded by paparazzi 'cause it must be a really slow day of celebrity sightings in New York, Carrie leaps off of the motorcycle and yells at Jack for riding too fast. She snarks that her hands were digging into him as a plea to slow down, and he says he thought she was just doing that 'cause she was so excited by being on a bike. LOL. She yells that she's not willing to die in a motorcycle accident just 'cause he's bummed about his failure as a writer, and he admits that he's annoyed that a shittastic columnist such as she could possibly be more successful at writing than he is. He then dials it back and says he doesn't want to be an angry jealous guy, gushes nauseatingly about how magnificent she is, then holds his arms wide open as a hug invitation. [OMFG, break up.] Carrie walks over to hug him, then grins when she sees that he's wearing the red Prada shirt she gave him earlier.
Carrie and Jack walk across the red carpet, and somehow the paparazzi knows who Carrie is and starts excitedly calling out her name. OMFG. She explains to a puzzled Jack (and the puzzled viewers) that she used to be "a party girl" ... and things get really awkward when the paparazzi complain about wanting just her in the shot. Carrie refuses to ditch Jack...and when the paparazzi ask who in blazes this loser is, she spells out his name and gushingly tells them he's a writer. Jack gets irked by that, being the moody baby he is, and pulls away from Carrie, then tells her he just wants to hightail it outa here. Carrie nods sadly...and when Stanford and Tony magically appear, they head inside to where Charlotte is sitting...and everyone settles in for the opening act of Full Moon. Within seconds, Smith steps onto the stage, gets naked, and does a pretty good job delivering his monologue. Samantha appears intrigued by his acting abilities and actually seems touched by his performance. Stanford leans over to her and giddily remarks, "A stud is born!" ... and after the play wraps up, the cast gets a standing ovation.
As everyone starts to file out of the theatre, Carrie ambles toward the exit alone, looking as pitiful as she can muster that her about-to-be-ex bailed out on her so abruptly.
Recap: As Samantha vaccums her apartment, Carrie voice-overs that every seven minutes in New York City, an unsuspecting woman [pause for dramatic effort] dates an actor...and then Smith commits a faux break-in and pretends to attack Samantha. When Samantha gushes about how great his acting skills are getting, he stays in character and barks at her to shut the fuck up! ... and she responds by ordering him to fuck her before her non-existent husband comes home. At dinner, Samantha gives the SATC gals, along with Jack Berger, a full account of hers and Smith's rape fantasy sexploits and says it's sooooo refreshing to be with someone who likes to "fuck outside the box". After a brief pause, Carrie says to Jack, "And this is my friend, Samantha." Haha! Charlotte scrunches her face disapprovingly and tells Samantha she's offended by her rape fantasy doinkfest and reminds her that violence against women is a serious issue. Samantha argues that fantasies can't be censored, and that all the weird shit she and Smith have been engaging in lately is harmless stuff. When she asks Jack for a male's perspective, he carefully replies that any type of act "in the rape family" is probably not a good idea, then turns to Carrie and jokingly (sort of) asks if he can go home now. After the gals chortle approvingly and Samantha leaves the table to take a call from Smith, Carrie asks Miranda how her first date with the real estate guy went. Miranda recounts that he told her he had an early morning meeting, gave her a quick goodnight kiss, and promised to call. Carrie and Charlotte applaud the real estate guy's gentlemanly restraint, and Miranda asks Jack for his take...and he prefaces his comments by telling her he's not going to sugarcoat it, then blurts out, "He's just not that into you." When Carrie and Charlotte gasp and stare at him in horrified bewilderment, he explains that if the guy had really been into Miranda, he definitely would have tried to extend the date instead of pretending he had an early morning meeting, which is generally code for I'm just not that into you. He says men aren't complicated, and that when a guy is genuinely into a woman, he'll do whatever's necessary to book date #2. As Carrie and Charlotte struggle to wrap their brains around this theory, Miranda stares contemplatively into space for a few seconds, then decides that this type of brutal honesty is possibly the most liberating thing she's ever heard. Jack's like, "Well d'yuh", then predicts that she has an uncomfortable email from the real estate guy coming her way, and Miranda chuckles and mouths I love him to Carrie.
Carrie and Berger return to her apartment, both of them giddily gushing about how awesome they thought the evening went. Carrie gets two different ice cream treats out of her freezer and squeals joyously when Jack chooses the one she didn't want to eat - and then Jack tells her to shut it so he can dramatically blurt out, "I love you." Carrie squeals, "I love you too!" and insists that she had every intention of saying it regardless of whether he was going to or not...and the two start smooching.
Carrie and Charlotte meet up at Zabar's to squeal about how in love they are. Charlotte says she loves Harry "so much it hurts", then says that now that she's officially a Jew, she's been spending much of her leisure time preparing an elaborate Shabbat dinner for her beloved. To underscore her newly Jew status, she glares disapprovingly at the brisket the deli guy tries to pass off to her and barks, "I said lean!" then grins gleefully at Carrie.
Carrie arrives home wearing fugly shorts and what look like small patches strapped across her knees, which I can only assume is another of Pat Field's brain-farted fashion don'ts that had no possible chance of being replicated by even the wackiest of SATC "fashion trend" worshippers. Carrie gets a package from Jack that contains a copy of his book, and she eagerly cracks it open.
Over at Casa Jones, Smith, who's naked with a tie slung around his neck, is pretending to be an IRS auditor who has to break the news to Samantha that she owes the government 300K. Samantha poutishly says she can't afford to pay, then asks him if he's going to take the shirt off her back...and he obliges her by ripping it off so the two can start going at it.
Jack drops by Carrie's apartment just as she finishes reading his book. She gushes about how much she looooooooved it - except for one ginormous problem: his leading lady was seen gallavanting all over Manhattan wearing a hair scrunchie. Jack's all, "Wuh?" and says he's seen plenty of women in New York with scrunchies in their hair, but Carrie argues that no self-respecting woman who works at W Magazine with even minimal fashion savvy and who lives on Perry Street would ever be caught dead wearing a scrunchie. She hastily back tracks and says she'd like to read aloud her favorite paragraph...but Jack has already checked out of the conversation and says he's done talking about the book, then picks up the phone receiver and asks if they're ordering in. Carrie stares back at him with a put out expression on her horsey face.
The next day, Carrie meets up with Miranda and laments getting on her sassy horse and insulting Jack with the scrunchie remark. Miranda orders Carrie to work things out with Jack 'cause of how much she still appreciates the 'he's just not that into you' advice he gave her the other night...then says it's the reason she's A-OK with the real estate guy never calling her back.
Carrie labors over her shitty column, nattering about how quickly constructive criticism can become destructive. She taps out: are there times the ladies should just shut the fuck up? In your case, Carrie: YES, use that as a general rule of thumb.
Charlotte is causing a ruckus in the hallway of her building as she nails a mezuzah on her doorpost. When her prickly neighbor sticks her head out to see what all the banging is about, Charlotte shoots her a demonic smile and says, "Oh, good morning, Mrs. Collier! I'm a Jew now! How are you?" and Mrs. Collier looks startled by Charlotte's newly Jew status and quickly shuts her door.
As Miranda eats her brown bag lunch on the steps of a building, she overhears a young woman telling her friend about the guy she's been seeing, and that he hasn't called her in awhile - but that it's totes fine 'cause he's been sooooo busy. A few seconds later, Miranda gets the uncomfortable email from the real estate guy that Jack predicted, and it emboldens her to approach the young woman to tell her something that will hopefully save her a lot of time and energy: "He's just not that into you. So move on. Have a great day!" As she proudly struts off, the girl's friend calls Miranda a bitch and growls, "Who the hell asked her?" and the two adamantly agree that the overly busy guy will one day call.
Samantha is in a bar, decked out in a flimsy gold sequined dress, when Smith saunters in pretending to be a police detective from the 1940s. Samantha orders them two martinis, but Smith changes his order to a seltzer...and when Samantha insists on the martini, he breaks character and tells her he's in AA 'cause he got "totally fucked up for eight years in Seattle". Samantha looks aghast at Smith for injecting reality into their weird fantasy world, tells him she has a presentation in the morning, and hightails it out the bar.
Charlotte invites Carrie and Miranda over to her apartment to help her prepare her first Shabbat dinner. When Miranda consults Charlotte's cookbook, she notices some doodling that Charlotte has done, combining her maiden name with Goldenblatt...the way I used to do when I was twelve. Miranda asks whassup with assuming that she and Harry are getting married, so Charlotte says that marriage is definitely where she and Harry are heading...and speaking of which, would they be able to make her November wedding? Miranda asks her if Harry has even proposed yet, and Charlotte gets defensive and insists that she and Harry have an understanding about their future...and that she never would have gone through the hassle of converting to Judaism if she wasn't going to get a marriage to a well-to-do lawyer out of it. When Carrie orders Miranda to zip the lip, Miranda softens and tells Charlotte she just doesn't want to see her get hurt again.
Samantha's decked out in a trench coat and pretending to be a spy when she meets up with her "Secret Service Agent" fuck buddy. A few seconds in, Smith drops the act and says he'd like it if they could just be themselves...and Samantha contorts her face in her most bored expression. When he calls her out on bolting after learning he was in AA, she says that that's exactly the kind of personal info that spoils the fantasy. Smith chews on that for a few seconds and says, "That's harsh" and Samantha agrees that, yep, she is harsh...as well as stubborn, demanding, and about as classy as a five dollar whore.
Jack and Carrie are in line at a trendy restaurant...and the two just happen to be standing behind a woman who's wearing a scrunchie in her hair. Jack smugly points out the scrunchie sighting to Carrie...to which Carrie mutters under her breath, "She's not from New York." Jack taps the woman on the shoulder and asks her what part of New York she's from, and the woman cackles gleefully for a few seconds before shrieking in a heavy southern drawl, "Aaaam from Macon, Georgiaaaaa!", then beams at her husband 'cause someone actually thought a yokel like her could be a New York City resident. Carrie wisely resists the urge to say, "I told you so" while Jack stares despondently into space.
Miranda is out on a blind date with a friend of Harry's. After a spicy meal at an Indian restaurant, she suggests they get a coffee, but he declines. She chuckles knowingly, says, "You're just not that into me. It's OK, I get it" and he's like, "Actually, I'm about to diarrhea in my pants after eating all that curry" and rushes off to find the nearest toilet. LOL.
As Carrie and Jack eat dessert, Carrie babbles on and on about how much she loooooves his book, and Jack glowers at her and takes big forkfuls of her tiny chocolate souffle. For some reason, Carrie continues her incessant prattling while ignoring his openly hostile vibe.
Charlotte is ready to serve Harry the elaborate Shabbat dinner. When she goes into the kitchen to get candles, he turns on the TV in the dining room so he can get caught up on the baseball game - but when Charlotte reenters the room, she orders Harry to turn off the TV (he just mutes it so he can keep watching). Charlotte lights the candles and says the prayer...and when she finally notices Harry peeking around her while she's talking so he can watch the game, she wigs out and snappishly reminds him, "I gave up Christ for you!" Harry snaps back that she can't invoke her conversion to Judaism every time he annoys her, so she starts railing about how much work she put into this dinner...blah blah...then screeches, "Set the date! Set the daaaaaaate!!" When he tells her how batshit crazy she's acting, she bitchily/rhetorically asks, "Do you know how we look together?!" translation: people out in the world are astonished to see a hot woman such as herself voluntarily coupling with a short baldy who's nowhere near being in her league [then come to the inevitable conclusion that it's prolly 'cause he has a lot of money]. Harry glares back at her and says he's well aware of what people are thinking, then adds that he didn't think she was one of them. Ouch. He throws down his napkin, says, "I don't need this" and hightails it to the door. Before storming out, he turns around and says, "And to think, I bought a ring." Double ouch. Charlotte stares after him looking like she knows how royally she just screwed the pooch on this high-stakes relationship.
Carrie and Jack are ambling down the street on the way to her brownstone, and she's continuing to lay it on thick about how much she looooooooves his book. Jack comes right out and tells her how lame her over-gushing is - but Carrie insists she really does love the book, and apologizes for muddying everything up with the scrunchie remark. Jack just kind of shrugs and says he'll be heading home now, and she's like, "Nooooo!" and chases after him. She says she gets that he's pissed off, but insists that they be able to say what's on their mind. He stares disdainfully at the blue, fascinator type hat she's wearing and goes, "Nice hat." Carrie flushes with embarrassment, rips off the hat, and accuses him of saying that purely to hurt her feelings. Jack explains that the scrunchie remark bugged him so much 'cause there's no possible way he can fix it now that the book is published. He adds that his book sales have been slumping, which makes his book a failure...then snarks that her efforts to pump him up all night aren't doing anything to boost his self-esteem. Carrie tells him to shut it so she can assure him that he's a beautiful writer, that she truly loved his book, loves him, and finds him very sexy. She plants a smooch on his lips, and it looks like he's finally feeling agreeable enough to let her lead him up the stairs to her apartment.
Charlotte returns home with her glum face on while Carrie voice-overs that Harry hadn't called her in two days...and that he sent someone to her apartment to pick up his TV. Ouch.
As Carrie brushes her teeth the next morning, Jack enters the bathroom with a scrunchie in his hair...and the two giggle and clown around 'bout that until the end credits start rolling.
Recap: Carrie flounces into Jack's building decked out in a red cleavage baring dress and voice-overs about how it's the first time she's ever been to her new boyfriend's place. When she enters his apartment, she glances around, phews with relief that it's not a messy disaster, and says one never knows what to expect from a bachelor's pad. She compliments his choice of wall color, and he says he has to give credit to Lauren (his ex) for picking it out...and Carrie looks visibly uncomfortable as she tries to shake off the mention of his ex.
At bedtime, Jack turns on a sound machine that plays Frogs in the Rain Forest...and when Carrie looks startled by the croaking noises, Jack explains that he's a troubled sleeper and needlessly mentions that the machine was a gift from Lauren. Carrie once again looks visibly uncomfortable at the mention of his ex.
The following evening, the gals attend a party for a friend we've never heard of - hey, it's Stiffler's Mom from American Pie! - who recently suffered a horrible breakup and tried to kill herself by swallowing six Advils on an empty stomach. Stiffler's Mom giddily greets the SATC gals, tells them she has a newly discovered talent for designing handbags, and squeals, "It's a purse party!" and the gals look faux excited about spending the evening pretending to be enamored of her handmade concoctions.
As the gals browse the fugly purses, Samantha disdainfully mutters that someone should tell crazy that owning a glue gun doesn't automatically make her a hot purse designer. She perks up when she notices that the hot waiter from Raw (Smith!) is working as a waiter for the caterer, then cackles that this dull-as-fuck party suddenly got a lot more interesting. Miranda reminds them that they have dinner reservations, and Charlotte says she can't stay out too late 'cause she has Jewish conversion class in the morning, then needlessly explains that she got special permission from the rabbi to accelerate her studies.
Stiffler's Mom goes to the kitchen to tell the caterers that the guests need more tuna tartlets...and while she's there she hears a banging noise coming from the back room. When she investigates, she finds Smith boning Samantha, the sight of which wigs her out to the point that she cries, "I'm way too fucking fragile to see this!", fires Smith, then storms back to the living room where she throws her purses around and shrieks at everyone to leave. Awesome.
During conversion class, Charlotte quickly proves herself to be the smartest pupil with the quickest answers to all of the rabbi's questions. As the class wraps up, the rabbi reminds the Jews-in-training that they're going to have to let go of every aspect of their Christian traditions...and that people often find Christmas the hardest to give up. Charlotte's like, "Egads!" and scrunches her face concernedly.
Steve is twenty minutes late picking up Brady and explains that his girlfriend Debbie had car trouble, and Miranda gets all snarky-bitchy at the mention of her arch rival's name and warns him to not be late again.
After class, Charlotte asks the rabbi if new Jews really really have to give up Christmas, and he's like, "Well d'yuh" and sternly tells her that the whole point to converting to Judaism is to embrace new traditions and let go of past attachments. She mulls that over and asks if she could still put up a Christmas tree, and he sighs and says there can be no tree, presents, caroling, or anything else that resembles Christmas.
Late that night Carrie gets a call from Mr. Big, and the two engage in their usual obnoxious flirty banter. He asks about a red dress she once wore, then coos about how much it once turned him on...and from there the conversation degenerates into phone sex, which eww 'cause I've always thought that these two make a horrible, horrible couple.
At the next brunch summit, Carrie tells the gigolas she has accidental phone sex with Big, and that she couldn't come up with a polite excuse to hang up. Samantha perks up at the mention of phone sex and cackles, "Brunch is suddenly looking up!" while Charlotte scrunches her face in disapproval and tells Carrie she needs to tell Big she's in a relationship and not drag her stupid Big baggage (aka Biggage) into her short lived relationship with Jack. Carrie breezily insists (a little too breezily, in my opinion) that it's all in the past and that Big isn't a threat to Jack any more than Lauren is to her...which seemed like a weird thing to say considering how bugged she gets every time Jack mentions Lauren's name. When Brady suddenly starts fussing, Miranda reaches into her diaper bag for a pacifier and is shocked when she pulls out a string of condoms that Steve must have slipped into the bag. She stares at them in annoyance as the other three giggle with delight.
Carrie taps out her shittastic column, pondering aloud if it's possible to get to a future if your past is present. Or some such shit. These scenes with Carrie tapping out her column in every episode seem annoyingly obligatory now that we're in Season 6.
As soon as Samantha finishes doinking Smith, she tells him how badly she feels about getting him fired from his catering gig and offers him the $300 he would have earned if Stiffler's Mom hadn't caught him boning her at the party and fired him. He gives her a funny look, tells her she's out of her mind, and stalks out.
Carrie's hanging at Jack's apartment as he gets ready to go to a breakfast with "a pretty pathetic bunch" of writer friends. When the phone rings, he assumes it's a telemarketer and lets the machine pick it up...but it ends up being Lauren, who insists she needs to talk to him. Jack glares at the machine, gives it two middle fingers, and shouts, "Fuck you and fuck you!" He then pleasantly says bye to Carrie and heads out, leaving her staring confusedly into space.
Carrie tells Samantha about the double middle fingers Jack flipped to his answering machine and worries he might have an anger management problem. Samantha doubts it's anything to worry about, then changes the subject to herself and says she got a strange reaction from Smith when she gave him $300, post sex, 'cause she was the reason he got fired from his catering gig. Carrie's like, "Well duh" and reminds her that, as a general rule of thumb, you should probably only ever give money to prostitutes after a doink.
Steve arrives to pick up Brady and proudly points out that he's on time...and Miranda snarkishly tells him she found his condoms in Brady's diaper bag and accuses him of not taking his parental responsibilities seriously enough. She haughtily tells him he can't take his eyes off of little Brady for a moment...and she's saying this as Brady crawls off the couch, falls down and bumps his head, and starts wailing. Oh the irony that was telegraphed a mile away.
Charlotte is at home, decorating a Christmas tree while Christmas music plays in the background when Harry arrives and asks whassup with Christmas in July. She sadly tells him she wanted to put up her tree one last time before becoming a full-fledged Jew...then admires an ornament that was passed down to her by her grandmother. Harry tells her that lots of Jews celebrate Christmas, but Charlotte pooh poohs that idea and says she wants to do Judaism right.
Samantha is decked out in a French maid's uniform and is pretending to wait on Smith, who's stretched out on her bed, shaking his head and calling her "fucking crazy". As she squirts whipped cream onto his naughties, he confesses that he's not just a waiter, he's an actor...and Samantha makes a blech face and jokes that she just lost her hard on. Smith says it's a good thing he still has his...and the two start going at it.
At bedtime, Carrie has problems falling asleep to the frog noises and tells Jack she would have preferred to skip over the conversation about their exes...but in light of his double fuck yous at Lauren's phone message, she can't help but wonder whassup with his anger. Jack sheepishly says that Lauren has been driving him nuts 'cause she wants them to go to lunch and get closure. He then explains that Lauren cheated on him, broke his heart...and that he was "dead" until he met Carrie, whose skankitude somehow revived him enough to want to leap back into the dating pool. As the two cuddle, Carrie voice-overs that she thinks this relationship might really turn into something great...which I found funny, considering how quickly he dumps her via a post-it.
Carrie calls up Big while he's hot-tubbing...and when he tries to steer the conversation into phone sex territory, she stops him and decrees that they won't be having anymore of those calls 'cause she's seeing someone and is quasi-serious about him. She says they'll have to leave their naughty calls in the past, but insists that they're still good friends...and firmly nods as she says good friends. Big looks less than thrilled about her new no phone sex policy and cuts the call short.
Charlotte immerses herself in a ritual bath and is officially reborn a Jew. That was one speedy conversion.
Carrie presents Jack with the gift of a new sound machine which features many sounds besides frogs in the rain forest. The two fall asleep to the sounds of the ocean...and Carrie remarks via voice-over that she slept more soundly than she has in a long time.