Recap: Charlotte is at the MacDougal compound in Connecticut, sitting on the sidelines of the tennis court with Bunny and her sister-in-law while Trey and his brother play. Bunny yammers something at Charlotte about how one marries history when one marries a MacDougal...and a disinterested Charlotte gets up and ambles off towards the house. She encounters a super hot gardener along the way and can't help herself from brazenly ogling his hard sweaty body. The two exchange good mornings, and she compliments the beautiful roses he's hoeing.
At the next skank summit, Charlotte tells the gigolas about the gardener's hotness and that his pungent sweatiness is soooo intoxicating...then quickly chides herself for lusting after a man who's not her husband. Samantha jokes (I'll assume) that there's no point in spending time in the suburbs if you're not going to fuck the gardener...and as the four cackle over the hilarity of indulging in some extramarital doinking, Miranda spots Natasha and a friend about to enter the restaurant. She discreetly murmurs to Carrie, "Whatever you do, don't look up" which naturally prompts all the gals look over to where Natasha and her friend are standing. Natasha looks shell-shocked to see her husband's skanky ex-mistress, says something to her friend, and they both shoot Carrie a searing stink-eye before turning around and exiting. Carrie scrunches her face with distress and wails, "OMG! I can't belieeeeeeve there's a person in New York that could hate me that much!" Please. Multiply that hatred by at least a million, and you'll get a sense of how the more dismayed Sex and the City viewership feels about you.
After lunch, Carrie is so distracted by Natasha's [completely justified] hatred of her that she somehow takes a wrong turn down an alley and gets lost. She approaches a man who happens to be hurrying in her direction and asks him if he knows how to get to West Broadway...and he pulls a gun on her and demands her bag. She stares at him in incredulity and goes, "Is this for real?" and he snaps, "Gimme your watch, ring, and Manolos too." Carrie cries that the shoes are her favorite pair...but when it's clear he doesn't give anything resembling a shit, she hands everything over. As he runs off with her stuff, she cries, "Ooooh! Stop him!" then runs into the nearest establishment, a hair salon, and shrieks, "I've been robbbbbed!" but none of the employees or customers look like they could give even the tiniest of rat's asses and just continue to go about their day. Bwahahaha!! Awesome.
The police have arrived at the scene, and Carrie gives her statement to an especially handsome cop named Detective Stevens. When Miranda arrives to bring her a pair of shoes and make sure she's OK, Carrie introduces her to the detective...and he looks implausibly smitten with Miranda. After the two flirt for several minutes, he asks for her number and she eagerly hands him her card.
Samantha's answering machine is flooded with calls for someone named Sam Jones...and the messages are from very young sounding men gushing about a party tonight. When another of Sam Jones' calls comes in, Samantha answers the phone, explains that she's a different Sam Jones, and purringly asks where this fabulous party is going to be held.
Miranda can't decide what to wear for her date with Detective Stevens...even though he has arrived at her apartment and is waiting in the living room. She calls Carrie to report her ill-timed anxiety attack and that looks-wise she thinks the detective is way too out of her league. Uh, yeah, I couldn't help thinking that too. Carrie tells her it's probably just good karma that her date is so hot, and that she's finally getting the great man she deserves. Miranda mulls that over and decides to just put on the first thing she grabs out of her closet so she can finally begin her date.
Carrie ponders the notion of karma and wonders if the universe punishes people after they cheat on a perfectly nice man by arranging for them to be treated badly in the next relationship. Deep in thought, she walks over to her laptop and taps out: is there such a thing as 'relationship karma'? In your case, Carrie, I sure as shit hope so.
Samantha takes Carrie along to the Sam Jones party and assures her that if the party's lame, she'll just inform Sam Jones that they both have the same name/phone number, then hightail it out of there. Carrie brings up the earlier Natasha sighting, and Samantha reveals a tidbit she learned from a guy she recently doinked who works with Natasha at Ralph Lauren: she left Mr. Big and filed for divorce. Carrie moans about what a wretched, loathsome, malevolent home-wrecker she is for contributing to the breakup of that marriage, and Samantha half-heartedly suggests that the marriage was probably in trouble, independent of her doinkfests with Big. A few seconds later, the two arrive at their party destination, and they're disappointed to see that it's a college dorm. Samantha is quickly able to track down Sam Jones, a dorky college kid who looks like he's barely out of his teens. She tells him about the same name/phone number situation...but he just looks enthralled by the possibility of a May-December hookup with the old broad and giddily informs her that he's a virgin.
Detective Stevens escorts Miranda back to her apartment after their date, and she's still so overcome by his hotness that she's babbling gibberish at him. He promises to call her, and she dreamily nods and fumbles with her keys as she lets herself into her apartment.
As Samantha and Carrie leave the dorm, a group of guys storm past them, which causes Carrie to stumble on the stairs. She decides it must be karma for when Natasha fell down the stairs during the Running With Scissors episode and knocked her tooth out. Mmm...nope, I think Natasha got a way rawer deal during her stairs mishap. Samantha turns the subject back to herself and says that maybe her karma is to "fuck that cute virgin" and give him the awesome first time she never had. No doubt.
Charlotte is in bed with Trey snoring beside her, and she's having a horny dream about the hot gardener. As the two get it on in her subconscious with Scottish bagpipe music screeching in the background, she unwittingly starts pounding her head against the headboard. The commotion wakes Trey, and he pokes her awake and scrunches his face in stupid confusion about her sweatiness and why in blazes she was moaning, "Harder...harder..."
Carrie calls Natasha's office at Ralph Lauren - but is put on permanent hold 'cause Natasha has zero desire to spend a minute of her time talking to the skank who helped blow up her marriage. Instead of leaving the poor woman alone, Carrie mulls over the "tough karma" she's going to have to drag Natasha into helping her overcome.
Charlotte encounters the hot gardener again and flirtily asks him where he got his green thumb, and he tells her he comes from a long line of gardeners, blah blah. Charlotte introduces herself, compliments his roses again...and then the two press against each other and start smooching in earnest. Charlotte's sister-in-law happens to walk by at that moment, sees them kissing, and files it away until she can spill the beans about it in front of Trey's family to inflict maximum humiliation.
Sam Jones (the dork) drops by Samantha's loft with a rose, and tells her that he's been waiting for a well-used cougar like her his whole life. He then grabs her and plants a forcible smooch on her lips, steers her over to the bed, and pounces atop her. After that, we get a painfully long montage of the two Sams grinding, thrusting, and loudly wooting before they flop atop the bed in exhaustion and declare the doinkfest awesome. Sam Jones tells Samantha he's in love with her, but she just chuckles and breezily says it was merely sex, and that it's time for him to go away now.
Back in Connecticut, the MacDougal clan is gathered in the sitting room, listening to Trey and his brother bicker about their tennis game. The sister-in-law tells everyone she had an interesting day...and adds that while she was taking a walk, she spotted Charlotte making out with the gardener. Bunny lets out a chuckle and cackles, "Charlotte, you're a MacDougal now!" - which wasn't at all the reaction I thought the family matriarch would have had, but OK - while Trey just stares at the floor, no doubt shamefaced because of the lacklustre performances his penis has been putting in ever since his and Charlotte's wedding eve.
Samantha gets several phone messages from Sam Jones, each more frantic than the last. When it sounds like he's having a complete meltdown on the other end of the line, Samantha stares into space with a concerned, yet somewhat spacey expression.
Miranda and Detective Stevens are out for dinner...and as Miranda looks around the restaurant, she notices that all of the women and gay men sitting nearby are flashing appreciative glances at the detective. Miranda takes it all in, decides, "Hey, I should start drinking heavily!" and orders another vodka martini. Later, when she and the detective arrive at her apartment, she drunkenly pulls off his belt and shoves him into her bedroom...and somehow he doesn't flee the apartment in horror.
Late that night, Charlotte finds a despondent Trey on the tennis court, practicing his serves. She apologizes for smooching the gardener, and he bitterly says it's understandable and that he's willing to look the other way whenever she feels the desire to indulge in something extramaritally juicy. Charlotte insists that she doesn't want him to look the other way...but then concludes that since they're barely doinking, they can no longer have a real connection . She tells him that when they return to the city, they should separate for awhile...and he nods and mutters, "Alrighty."
Carrie puffs on her stupid cigarette and stares out of her apartment window, pondering the seven phone messages she left on Natasha's work voicemail. And instead of taking a fucking hint to let the woman be so she can live the rest of her life in peace, Carrie continues to be driven mad by Natasha's unwillingness to let bygones be bygones.
The next morning, a hungover Miranda tiptoes out of her bedroom looking for Detective Stevens. She finds a note that he left for her, which includes the contact info for the local AA chapter. Haha!
Sam Jones appears on Samantha's doorstep, leans on the doorbell, and shrieks about how in loooove with her he is. Samantha stands on the other side of the door, looking wigged out at she stares back at him through her peephole.
Charlotte moves back to her old apartment, which I guess she was only subletting. I'm surprised she held onto it, given how desperately eager she was to tie the knot and live the leisurely life of a doctor's wife.
Carrie arrives at a restaurant decked out in a fugly tight dress with newspaper print fabric. Her mission: to hijack Natasha's lunch date and get a forcible declaration of forgiveness out of her. She plops herself on the chair opposite Natasha...and a repulsed Natasha murmurs, "I'm going to scream." Carrie natters about how she heard that her marriage is ending, and that despite carrying on a clandestine affair with her husband over the course of three episodes in many cheap motel rooms, she never meant to ruin her marriage. She then moans about how deeeeeeply sorry she is for her shititude. Natasha, whose facial expression thus far has been completely inscrutable, retorts, "I'm sorry too" ... then gives Carrie a much deserved, well delivered verbal smackdown about all the stuff she's "sorry" for:
Carrie just stares at her, suitably aghast, and quietly slinks off when Natasha's sexy lunch date arrives. As she glances over at Natasha one last time, it suddenly dawns on her that karma had just meted out the worst punishment she could ever have imagined: having to compete in the same dating market with an elegant woman she could never ever hope to hold a candle to.
After that understated, yet fantastic spectacle, we're forced to watch Carrie as she ambles along a busy New York street in slo-mo with her pensive face on and the over-processed rat's nest atop her head blowing in the wind. She whines in a voice-over that while the universe doesn't play fair, it definitely has a sense of humor.