Recap: Alicia Keys belts out the song Empire State of Mind while the camera pans over a very glittery looking Manhattan. Carrie reminisces about arriving in New York in the '80s...and we get a faux flashback of her [struggling to look like a decades younger version of herself] sporting a fuzzy '80s perm and wearing a Flashdance inspired outfit. She voice-overs about how she met each of the gigolas, and viewers get faux flashbacks of their horrendous '80s hairdos and clothes. After all that needless flashbacking, the gals converge in Midtown and head straight to Bergdorf-Goodman's to buy a wedding gift for Stanford and Anthony, whose happy ending is likened to musical chairs: "the music stopped and they were the last two left standing" ... 'cause apparently within the last two years, the entire New York gay community (in the SATC universe) either coupled up or fled the city altogether.
The SATC cast, along with their plus ones/families, gather at a charming Connecticut inn for Stanford's and Anthony's big day.
In one of the inn's rooms, we see that Carrie's hair is frizzed out in a 'do that makes her rat's nest look even fuglier than usual, and she's decked out in a tux 'cause Stanford appointed her his "best man". She gets all flirty with Big, who repeatedly asks her what to expect at this gay wedding...and Carrie repeatedly denies that it's a "gay" wedding, then decides that since she has an hour to kill before the ceremony, why not indulge in some marital hanky panky?
The guests make their way inside the wedding venue, and we see that - surprise! (not) - the event is an over-the-top affair featuring an orchestra and sixteen man choir dressed in white, as well as a pond filled with swans. Carrie looks around and grimly concedes to Big that, yep, it is a "gay" wedding after all. Har har. Anthony sidles up to where the SATC cast is milling about, glances around with his eyes rolled, and bellows, "It looks like the Snow Queen exploded!" He says he agreed to let Stanford plan the wedding of his dreams in exchange for him being allowed to cheat...and as everyone scrunches their faces confusedly [though it's unclear why, since unfettered raunch and infidelity was always at the heart of "the appeal" of this HBO series], Anthony "explains" that just 'cause he's getting married doesn't mean he has to stop being the man-whore he's always been. After he ambles off, Carrie shrugs and says that every couple has the right to make their own rules - but a horrified Charlotte argues, "Nuh uh. It's marriage."
Carrie checks on Stanford, who's doing some last minute primping inside a white tent. When she informs Stanford that his husband-to-be is going around telling everyone he's allowed to cheat, his face falls as he mutters, "I know", then brushes it off as Anthony's cunty way of resisting tradition.
Lily walks down the aisle, fulfilling her duties as flower girl by scattering petals behind her, and then Carrie takes her place at the faux altar. Liza Minnelli (!) appears from behind a giant curtain to perform the ceremony...and as everyone gasps in delighted surprise at the unexpected cameo, Samantha blurts out, "Why would Liza say yes to this?" It's anyone's guess - but I'll safely assume it's desperate times calling for desperate measures in the entertainment biz. Anthony tears up as he and Stanford exchange vows...and once the "brooms" are pronounced husband and husband, Liza takes the stage with two lookalikes to perform an energetic rendition of Beyonce's hit, All the Single Ladies.
At the SATC cast table, Charlotte gets irked at Harry for blabbing about what a fussy pain-in-the-ass little Rose is being...while Miranda and Steve exude marital bliss, no doubt from all the couples' counseling they got after Steve's infidelity during the first feature film. Miranda checks her phone and scrunches her face in misery when she gets a bitchy email from the senior partner at her law firm. She tells everyone he hates the sound of her voice so much - shocker - that he likes to hold up his hand near her face as a non-subtle message for her to shut it. Haha!
Some random woman and her husband are sitting next to Carrie and Big...and the woman gushes to Carrie about her books and raunch column and says that, over the years, they had very similar dating experiences. She reveals that she and her husband are expecting a baby via a surrogate, then asks Carrie about her baby plans...and Carrie just kind of shrugs and says that she and Big have no plans to become parents, like ever. The woman stares back at her in horror and asks, "So it's just going to be you two?" ... and when Carrie nods, the woman and her husband do their best to look as weirded out as possible before they hastily excuse themselves to find a more procreation-friendly table. As Carrie and Big stare after them in puzzlement, an order is given to the couples in attendance to join Anthony and Stanford on the dance floor. Across the room, Samantha ogles Anthony's hot brother Nicky, who tells her he lays concrete for a living. She cackles, "That sounds promising" ... and in the next scene, she's getting boned by Nicky so hard that every guest at the inn can hear her screechily bellowing, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Classy and discreet as usual, Sam.
Big and Carrie are laying in bed, unable to sleep through Samantha's sex screeching and the non-stop crying of little Rose. Big gets the idea to put on "a little white noise" by turning on the TV and watching It Happened One Night...and by scripted coincidence, we see the scene when Claudette Colbert shows a little leg in order to stop oncoming traffic.
At breakfast the next morning, Samantha tells the gals she's on a daily regimen of vitamins, hormones, and estrogen creme in an effort to trick her aging body into thinking it's still pre-menopausal. Charlotte arrives at the table with her daughters...and when Samantha makes an ew face, Charlotte assures the gigolas that the pesky kids will only be in their presence until the nanny comes by to fetch them and whisk them away. A few seconds later, Charlotte's nanny - an Irish, bra-less young hottie named Erin - bounces over to collect the girls for some impromptu cartwheel practicing. Once the three are out of earshot, Samantha chides Charlotte for hiring someone so ridiculously good looking - and Charlotte explains that she barely noticed her hotness 'cause of her degree in child psychology and amazing rapport with the girls. But a few seconds later, she scrunches her face concernedly when she sees how brazenly the menfolk (including Harry) are checking out the buxomly bra-less Erin as she excitedly jumps up and down while Lily and Rose attempt cartwheels.
Carrie and Big return home...home being a fancy New York apartment that the two moved into after downgrading from the insanely huge Fifth Avenue penthouse that Big had purchased at the beginning of the first feature film. Big settles onto their navy blue designer couch to relax and read the paper - but is promptly given the stink-eye by Carrie when she notices that he still has his shoes on. She snarkishly reminds him that the fugly piece of furniture took her a year and a half to acquire (which seems weirdly excessive for a couch that looks unbearably stiff), and Big shoots her an irritated glare as he moves his feet so that his shoe soles aren't in danger of leaving scuff marks on Carrie's showpiece.
Brady is putting the last minute touches on his science fair project - a mouse running through a maze! - and is bummed when Miranda tells him it's highly doubtful that she'll be able to make the science fair 'cause she's too busy lawyering.
The senior law partner, who hates the sound of Miranda's voice, announces during a staff meeting that he's reassigning her case to a less experienced flunky. When she's all, "Wuh?" he lifts his hand up to shut her up...and Miranda finally gets fed up enough with his shitty treatment of her to tell him off in front of her colleagues - but, for some dumb reason, that juicy scene occurs off camera. Soon after, we see Miranda arrive at Brady's school just in time to see him win the blue ribbon for his mouse/maze science fair project. Hooray! Now release the poor mouse back into the wild, please.
Charlotte gets concerned again with the perkiness of Erin's hooters as she spies on Erin and Harry while they bathe the girls, then get into a friendly water fight that results in Erin's thin white tank top getting soaked.
Charlotte calls Carrie just as she and her daughters are about to do some elaborate looking cupcake decorating. Charlotte asks Carrie whether or not she needs to worry about Harry wanting to hook up with Erin (fuuuuuuuuuuck), and Carrie half-heartedly reassures her she has nothing to worry about. Then begs her to please shut up about it already 'cause it's too derivative of the first SATC movie when viewers were forced to suffer through Miranda's and Steve's marital problems that resulted from his infidelity. As the two continue to gabble, Lily gets so impatient that her mom isn't paying enough attention to her that she dips her hands in some vibrant red goo and slaps her hand prints on Charlotte's rear end. Charlotte shrieks, "Lily! This skirt is vintage!" and wails to Carrie about how her devil's spawn of a daughter just ruined her white vintage Valentino skirt...as well she deserves, 'cause who the hell totters around their own apartment in stilettos wearing vintage anything while decorating cupcakes with two small children? Charlotte abruptly ends the call with Carrie, barricades herself inside the pantry, and tearfully tells Lily she's looking for more sprinkles. Erin breezes in at that moment, finds a teary-eyed Charlotte hiding out in the pantry, and immediately hustles the girls to her room so they can spend the afternoon bonding with a well-adjusted adult.
Samantha, who appears to have an office in Times Square, is sitting in her glassed-in office...and her panties are slid down to her ankles while she manually freshens up her well-worn cooch. You heard me. Smith calls her from a movie location in an Abu Dhabi desert to invite her to be his red carpet date for his upcoming film premiere, then gushes about how he still credits her for his successful movie career. She accepts his invitation, then pulls up her panties to head out for her lunch date...and I can only hope she stopped in at the ladies room to thoroughly wash her hands.
Big has prepared Carrie a home-cooked anniversary meal 'cause I guess they've been married for two whole years, and afterwards she hands him his gift: a vintage Rolex from 1968, inscribed with Me and You, Just Us Two. He tells her it's very nice and dutifully puts it around his wrist, then informs her that her gift is in the bedroom [insert obvious sex joke here - or not...blech], and the two amble over to the master suite. When he unveils the gift - a state-of-the-art flat screen TV - he explains that he bought it for her so they can lay in bed and watch black and white movies together, just like they did at the Connecticut inn. Carrie contorts her horsey face into a poutish expression to show her displeasure, then snidely remarks, "A piece of jewelry would have been nice" and Big visibly deflates and shakes his head incredulously. Or maybe that was me, projecting, 'cause of how much I looooooooove having a flat screen TV in my bedroom so I can relax on my comfy bed while bingeing on the Netflix.
Samantha drags Carrie along to shop for something extra sluttastic and age-inappropriate to squeeze herself into for Smith's movie premiere. Carrie asks her if she and Big can score tickets to the event, and Samantha's like, "Sure!" - then eyes a low-cut, thigh-baring glittery slip of a dress on a nearby mannequin. When she points it out to a salesgirl and says she'd like to try it on, the salesgirl frowns and delicately replies, "Isn't that...er...a little young?" - bwahahaha! yes! - to which Samantha snappishly bellows, "I am fifty-fucking-two and I will rock this dress!"
A tired looking Big arrives home from work with a bag of Japanese takeout. Carrie, who's decked out in a long evening gown, reminds him about Smith's movie premiere party that starts in an hour...and Big groans and goes, "Is that tonight?" and asks her if she'd mind going without him. She's like, "I would mind, actually", then fixes him a quick drink and barks him to get his keister off the couch and prepare for a long night out.
Ziegfeld Theatre. The SATC gals and their plus ones arrive at the premiere of Smith's cheesy looking flick, Heart of the Desert. By scripted coincidence, eighteen year old Miley Cyrus shows up at the premiere in the same glittery slip dress that Samantha's wearing. As everyone looks on in morbid anticipation, Miley decides to throw her elder a bone and gamely poses beside Samantha as the paparazzi snap away...and for some reason they don't think to ask Samantha to get out of the frame so they can take more sellable pics of the actual celebrity.
Inside the VIP room, Samantha and Smith are having a sit-down with the film's producer, Sheikh Khalid...and, yeesh, Samantha's boobs look painfully compressed in the low cut glitter dress. Smith gushes about how Samantha single-handedly made him the star he is today...and Khalid looks contemplative, then says he'd like Samantha to work her PR magic on his new luxury hotel in Abu Dhabi. To that end, he's willing to fly her there for an all-expense paid trip so she can luxuriate in the decadent luxuriousness of his hotel. Samantha squeals happily...and we later learn that she agrees to do it only if the rich Sheikh foots the bill for her three gigola friends as well, so that the film can focus on a glitzy girls' trip in a location that's far more exotic than Manhattan.
Elsewhere at the premiere party, Carrie complains to Stanford that Boring Big never wants to go out anymore. Stanford tells her to count her blessings, then reminds her that not so long ago, she could barely get Big to sleep over at her apartment. Carrie glances over at her husband, looks aghast when she sees that he's having an animated looking chat with the very striking Penelope Cruz, and makes a beeline over and bitchily introduces herself to Penelope as Carrie Preston. Carrie tells Big she's ready to head home now...and Big stares longingly at Penelope Cruz and blinks twice for help me.
As Carrie gets undressed, she's annoyed that Big is lounging in bed watching TV. She complains that the TV is too loud, then bitchily reminds him that he supposedly bought it so they could watch black and white movies. Big sighs and shuts off the TV muttering, "You're not happy in, you're not happy out" and Carrie makes a poutish expression and asks, "What does that mean?" then reminds him that since it's just going to be the two of them trapped in this ill-fated marriage until one of them succumbs to the sweet release of death, they're going to have to work on the sparkle...and by "the sparkle", she means the flirty way in which he was chatting up Penelope Cruz earlier. She gives up on her bitchitude for the night and hands him the remote, and he happily turns the TV back on.
The next morning, Carrie leaves Big a note that she's off to her old apartment to get some raunch writing done for her next Vogue article. She explains to viewers the implausible reason she never re-sold the apartment - a bad selling market - which I downright refuse to believe considering this is Manhattan's Upper East Side. Big calls to ask whassup with her leaving so early in the morning, and she tells him she figured it would be easier to work in complete isolation, and that she may stay there for the next couple of days. OK - seriously? How long could a superfluous Vogue piece by a former raunch columnist possibly take to write? Based on past tidbits of her writing, I'm pretty sure that any quasi-literate person could bang that shit out in a couple of hours. Big tells her he's A-OK with living single for two days...and the next day Carrie decides to re-emerge among the living for some sustenance and sets up a brunch summit with the gigolas.
Samantha announces that she got an all-expense paid trip for the four of them to travel to Abu Dhabi, and that they'll be flying there on the Sheikh's private airline. Miranda gleefully accepts since she has no job...and since Carrie has never actually had a real job that would adequately explain how she's been able to make a living for the past eight years, she too is in. When Charlotte moans about having two small children and a husband who might be on the verge of doinking their hot nanny, Samantha guilts her for making her attend children's birthday parties over the years and says she desperately wants the four of them to flounce around someplace rich and ridiculously decadent.
Big calls Carrie just as she's printing out her article - and it seems a tad weird in 2010 that she'd need a printout instead of just emailing the thing to Candice Bergen. Big tells her he's waiting for her downstairs in his trademark black car and would like to take her to dinner...and Carrie changes into the dumb looking newspaper dress she wore in Season 3, when Big's second wife, Natasha, gave her a well deserved tongue lashing for being a slutty homewrecker. Carrie and Big smooch...and we later learn that they had a fabulous night out followed by a satisfying doinkfest. Fantastic.
As Carrie packs her stilettos and skankwear for Abu Dhabi, Big proposes they spend two days a week apart on more of a regular basis. He says he can get a place so he can lay around in peace, not worry about scuffing the couch with his shoes, and watch whatever he wants on TV without getting bitched out by his sinewy ball and chain. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" and asks him if he really feels like he needs a break from her every week, and he's like, "Well, d'yuh." She comes right out and asks, "Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?" ... and - bwahahaha! - I have no idea what Big's retort to that was, 'cause I was too busy laughing aloud, then shrieking, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" at the TV.
The gals board an Abu Dhabi bound plane and excitedly gush about all the luxuriousness surrounding them, including their own private little sleeper cabins. Miranda waves around a gossip magazine she brought aboard so that the headline on the cover - Cheating with the nanny - can catch Charlotte's eye. She grabs the magazine from Miranda and shuts herself inside her little cabin so she can privately stew about Harry's non-existent affair with Erin.
When the plane reaches flying altitude, the gals head over to the bar. Carrie tells them that Big suggested they spend two days a week apart from each other...and Charlotte scrunches her face into a judgey expression, while Miranda concurs that marriage is hard work. Carrie explains to Charlotte that she and Big are making up their own marriage rules - but Charlotte can't bring herself to offer her approval and asks if Big wanting so much time away from her hurts her feelings. Carrie chuckles faux breezily and condescendingly says, "You just don't get it."
Eventually, the gals, along with their ridiculous amount of luggage arrive in Abu Dhabi. The customs officials confiscate Samantha's supply of vitamins and hormones, prompting Samantha to haughtily retort, "But they're all natural! They're made from yams!" and moans that without her anti-aging supplements, she'll ricochet back into menopause. After it's clear that the officials don't give a rat's ass about her menopause resurgence, the gals are greeted by a hotel flunky who motions toward four white luxury cars that will transport them separately to the hotel. Seems like a limo would have been a nicer and more convenient option, but OK. Miranda's all, "Wheeeee!" and urges everyone to step on it 'cause they have "a lot of Abu Dhabi to do" then races towards one of the white cars.
When the gals arrive at Sheikh Khalid's spectacular hotel, Samantha is greeted by the manager, Mr. Safir. He leads them up their private elevator and into the Jewel Suite that features a den, private bar, private kitchen, formal salon, multiple bedrooms...and four male butlers to tend to their every need.
After a clothing change into long flowy dresses, the gals head down to the pool area. Miranda, who has been immersing herself in Abu Dhabi travel guides, gives them a quick lesson on the niqab and abaya and adds that women in the UAE are required to dress in a way that doesn't attract sexual attention. She then glares disapprovingly at Samantha, who's shamelessly baring her arms and shoulders. Carrie says the niqab freaks her out, then stares with fascination at a niqab wearing woman as she eats fries by lifting her veil every time she takes a bite. Charlotte wails about how Harry hasn't responded to any of her texts, and Carrie snarks at her to stop obsessing about her husband's unlikely affair with the nanny - since there's no way Erin isn't fully aware that she can do a whole lot better than settle for an illicit affair with her married baldie employer.
Carrie gets up in the middle of the night to get herself a glass of milk, and shrieks when her butler, Gaurau, appears from out of nowhere. She asks him whassup with him hanging around so late, and he says it's 'cause she didn't dismiss him...even though no one at the hotel thought to inform her or the gigolas that they were required to dismiss their butlers at the end of every day. Gaurau offers to warm her milk and add a dash of cinnamon...then gabbles about his wife, who lives in India and who he can only see whenever he gets time off from his butler duties. Carrie asks him if it's difficult being apart for such long stretches, and he says that time doesn't matter 'cause every time they see each other it's super wonderful.
The next morning at breakfast, Samantha remarks to the gals that she's pretty sure her butler is gay 'cause he told her his name is "Abdul. Like Paula" - and she nicknames him Paula Abdul. Carrie changes the subject to Gaurau and his long distance marriage, then turns to Charlotte and smugly says, "See? There are all kinds of marriages" but Charlotte scrunches her face with disdain at any sort of non-traditional marital arrangement. Miranda says she'd like to spend the morning at a nearby souk in Old Abu Dhabi, and Carrie chirps, "I'm in!"
In the next scene, Carrie emerges from their suite dressed in one of her more stupid, Pat Field-inspired get-ups: a black J'adore Dior 8 shirt with a short grey sweater thing, a long and very poofy purple skirt, and bright pink stilettos. Gaurau bids her and Miranda adieu, but ominously warns them to not have "a forbidden experience" by illegally buying anything on the black market.
At the souk, Carrie makes a beeline over to a kindly shoe vendor and tries on a pair of white shoes with little horns. She's shocked when the vendor tells her they're the equivalent of $20, then needlessly empties everything out of her purse to fish around for her wallet. When the call to prayer is blared over the souk's loud speakers, Carrie glances around in wonderment and sees someone who looks like Aidan...and upon further inspection, she realizes - OMG! - it is Aidan! She contorts her horsey face into a stupid looking I'm so hot and sultry expression and inches toward him...and he spots her, is all "What the..?", and starts inching toward her. He gushes about how she's the best mirage ever (blech, Aidan), then hugs her and asks what in blazes she's doing in the outdoor market of the obscure Middle Eastern country he's currently in at this exact moment. She tells him she's here with the girls as part of Samantha's implausible, all expense paid PR trip, and he tells her he's now an importer of rugs that he sells along with his handmade furniture. He invites her to join him for dinner tomorrow night and gives her his card...and as she ambles away, he shouts, "How weird is this?" Very weird, Aidan. And utterly, utterly improbable - even by SATC standards.
Poolside, Carrie tells the gals about the Aidan sighting - but then gets interrupted by the arrival of the Australian rugby team that's staying at the hotel...and the camera pans over their hard, nearly naked bodies. Sam ogles them, but gets upset when she doesn't "feel anything down under" now that she's off her anti-menopause pill and creme regimen. When Charlotte snaps at her to shut up about her stupid hormones, Miranda stages an inter-fun-tion and says she's arranged for an entertaining outing for the four of them.
The gals are chauffeured down a desert highway, then brought to a makeshift camp for an afternoon of camel riding. When Charlotte's iPhone rings, she answers it...and is so overcome with joy at hearing Harry's voice that she falls off of her camel. Hilarity ensues when she pulls up her red camel-riding pants, and Samantha points at her crotch and laughs at her camel-toe...which was about as gut-busting as when the gals cackled at her pants pooping during the first movie. Later, when the ladies have changed into their leisure-wear and are noshing on the snacks that their poor butlers were forced to cart all the way to the desert, a jeep ferrying a sexy Danish architect suddenly zooms over. The architect asks Gaurau to please call the hotel to tell whoever that he's having such a blast sand dune surfing, aka standing on the back of a jeep while someone else drives (how is this a thing?) that he's going to be at least an hour late, and Gaurau dutifully replies, "My pleasure, sir." The Dane apologizes to the gigolas for disturbing their fun, then rides off...and Samantha cackles about how she suddenly feels "something down under", then giddily screeches in a sing-songy voice, "Lawrence of my laaaaaaaabia!" which - OMFG - made me cringe harder than usual and nearly hit the stop button on my remote.
The gals spend the evening at the hotel bar, where karaoke is on the entertainment menu. Miranda has signed them up for something they can bond over while embarrassing themselves - performing the song I Am Woman - and we're forced to endure them sing the entire fucking thing. The sexy Danish architect enters the club at that moment and stares smittenly at Samantha, and after the song winds down, she stares over at him and croons, "I am a woman...I'm at that table..." A few seconds later, the sexy Danish architect heads over to the gals' table and introduces himself as Rikard Spirt...and Samantha cackles like a twelve year old and asks, "So your name is Dick Spirt?" Rikard remarks on her American style boorishness - an insult that seemingly flies over all four gigolas' heads - then offers to buy Samantha a drink. She declines, but tells him she's free all day tomorrow, so he suggests they get together for a late dinner and maybe some...er, dessert.
The next morning, Carrie spots a copy of The New Yorker in a pile of magazines for Samantha's reading pleasure, notices that it's the issue that contains the review of her latest book, and takes it out to the terrace with her so she can read the review aloud to the gals. The reviewer - bless his heart, whoever he is - slams Carrie for lampooning traditional wedding vows and for not understanding the complexities of married life, then suggests she tape her mouth shut and "explore the vow of silence". Bwahahaha! I couldn't agree more. Carrie contorts her horsey face into an expression of misery and says how wrecked she is that the magazine she's been toting around in her purse for the last twenty years gave her latest book such a scathing review. Samantha tries to comfort her by saying that the reviewer is intimidated by her strong female voice, then changes the subject by asking the gals if they want to go shopping and/or spa-ing. Carrie declines, slams The New Yorker on a nearby table, and summons Gaurau to escort her on an impromptu walk. In the next scene, the two are ambling along the beach in the hot haze...and Gaurau is holding an umbrella over Carrie's head as she stares moodily into space.
That evening, Carrie decks herself out in a low cut top and thigh-high slit skirt and goes heavy on the eyeliner as she primps for her dinner date with Aidan...and when the camera zooms in for a close-up of her face, yeesh. I can't imagine why the film's editors didn't opt to leave that ack-tastic footage on the editing room floor. She runs into Miranda and Charlotte on her way to the elevator...and Charlotte gets all judgey about her having dinner with Aidan and warns her she's "playing with fire". Carrie snaps back that just 'cause she's suspicious of Harry possibly doinking the nanny doesn't mean everyone's going to cheat, then huffily exits the suite. Charlotte tears up and tells Miranda that she's retiring to her room for a nap.
Carrie arrives at Aidan's hotel and sashays into the restaurant where Aidan is seated. She purrs, "Hi" as Aidan brazenly checks out her cleavage. Blech, Aidan.
Charlotte is escorted by her butler to the bar inside their luxurious suite, where Miranda is waiting for her. She pours Charlotte a drink and urges her to spill her guts about the challenges of SATC's version of motherhood - motherhood lite - and when Charlotte looks hesitant, Miranda kicks things off by saying that as much as she loooooves Brady, just being a mom isn't enough for her. Charlotte throws back some alcohol and says that she loooooves her girls but that she's enjoyed not having them around for the last couple of days on account of she was about to go postal from Rose's incessant crying and Lily's pesky insistence that she be raised. She then says her first thought after Samantha planted the seed in her head about Harry getting it on with Erin was: "I can't lose the nanny!" ... and the two giggle and continue to drink heavily.
Carrie and Aidan talk about their marriages...ho hum...and Aidan says his wife gleefully showed him her (Carrie's) wedding announcement 'cause apparently she was always concerned that Aidan would always consider his ex-skank to be "the one that got away" which, ick, is disturbing on so many levels. When he shows Carrie a photo of his three sons, Carrie says that she and Big decided to never have kids 'cause "that's not who we are". Aidan gazes at her lovingly and gushes about how hot she's looking - &%$#@! - and when the two stroll outside after dinner, he leans in and gives her a smooch. After enjoying the smooch for a few seconds, Carrie pulls away with a shocked look on her horsey face, then flees to her taxi as Aidan stares after her and mutters, "Ah fuuuuck." My sentiments exactly.
Carrie races back to the Jewel Suite and blurts out to the gigolas, "I kissed Aidan! I'm freaking out!" then says she needs to call Big and confess the sin, like pronto. Miranda says that when Steve cheated on her during the first feature film, she doesn't think the pain of knowing about it was worth enduring the tedious subplot. No fucking shit. Samantha points out it was just a kiss and advises her to sleep on it...or better yet, never speak of it again. Charlotte, meanwhile, just stares drunkenly into space and repeatedly mutters, "I dunno.." LOL.
Samantha is wearing a shoulder baring white dress while dining in an outdoor restaurant with Rikard...and from a table a feet away, an ultra conservative Muslim man and his wife are staring over at them in brazen disdain. Rikard tells Samantha he's perpetually aroused whenever he's in the UAE 'cause of how strictly PDAs are forbidden...and Samantha responds by fondling his upper thigh. When the two decide to take a walk on the beach, the ultra conservative Muslim man slams down his cutlery and calls over a security guard to report their public fondling.
Carrie calls Big on her cell phone to tell him "something's happened" and he's all, "Wha-a-a?! Are you OK?" She assures him she's fine...but that she ran into Aidan, met up with him for dinner and got caught up on their lives - blah blah blah - then accidentally smooched him and couldn't help but enjoy it. She says she feels awful and didn't want to carry around the secret...and Big stares blankly into space with his furry brows furrowed, then coldly retorts, "I'm at work. I have to go" and abruptly ends the call. Ouch. A few seconds later, Carrie's phone rings, and she's startled when it's Samantha, wailing that she's just been arrested.
Carrie wakes Miranda and tells her that Samantha needs a lawyer asap 'cause she got herself arrested for doinking Rikard on the beach.
At the police station, Samantha hotly explains that she and Rikard were merely kissing, and that the only reason she was arrested was 'cause an ultra conservative Muslim man complained to a security guard. The hotel manager, Mr. Safir, enters the room and asks Samantha for her passport so they can make a public record of the complaint...and Samantha mutters about the ridiculousness of the whole thing - but hands over her passport. Mr. Safir looks less than impressed when a condom falls out of it.
Carrie moans to Charlotte about what a big mistake it was to kiss Aidan...and that as soon as their lips locked, she realized that the only man she's ever wanted is Big. She now regrets being so bitchy to him about him being such a homebody, and now thinks it's prolly not that big of a deal that he wants to spend two days a week away from their marriage. Charlotte throws her a bone and says, "I think there's really something to it" and says that after being away from Harry and the girls for two days, she's gotten some sleep and is just now beginning to feel more like herself.
Samantha is released the following morning...and she and the gals quickly discover that they're suddenly persona non grata at the hotel. The front desk clerk informs Samantha that if she and her slutty friends don't check out within the next hour, they'll be on the hook for a 22K a night hotel bill. The gals pack as quickly as possible...and Carrie leaves Gaurau a giant tip along with a note that encourages him to use the cash to fly to India and visit his wife. As the gals are about to climb into a couple of decrepit looking cabs, Carrie realizes that her passport is missing...and that she's pretty sure she accidentally left it with the kindly shoe vendor in the souk several scenes ago.
The gals arrive in the souk...and Miranda chides Samantha for prancing around this socially conservative Muslim country in nothing more than a skimpy tank top and shorts. Carrie locates the kindly shoe vendor, who was nice enough to hold onto her passport, and she thanks him by buying a round of shoes for each of the gals.
A couple of fake merchants lure Charlotte and Samantha into a back alley to buy some black market merchandise...and when Carrie and Miranda get wind of what's happened, they chase after them and warn them that it's illegal in Abu Dhabi to have "a forbidden experience". The four flee the fake merchants, one of whom mistakenly thinks that Samantha stole one of their knock-off designer Birkins. They rush out after Samantha and grab her Birkin, which causes her stuff to go flying everywhere. She shrieks, "You broke my Birkin!" and bends down to gather up her stuff, which includes a small mountain of condoms. The ruckus attracts a stern looking crowd of Muslim men, and Samantha glares at them defiantly and screeches, "I have SEX!" and makes thrusting motions with her hips as they become even more enraged, which...holy fucking crap, writers. How did a scene so insultingly stupid make it through the script approval process?? The horrified gigolas hustle Samantha out of there as she continues to crazily rant and flip the Muslim men the bird - OMFG - and Miranda snaps at her to put her damn jacket on. They pick up the pace, hoping aloud that no one calls the authorities, and are suddenly approached by a group of veiled women who motion that they should follow them into a secret room hidden by a curtain. The veiled women giggle about how enraged the angry men will be over Samantha's sex thrusting for the foreseeable future. After that, they gush about how much they looooove America, in particular New York 'cause of the fashion, then remove their abayas and niqabs to reveal the designer clothes they're all wearing underneath. Miranda suddenly remembers that they have a flight to catch, but worries that the angry men mob is going to stop them. Solution: the Abu Dhabi women give the gigolas their abayas so they can slip past the mob and hail a couple of taxis. When taxi hailing proves to be a challenge, Carrie remembers the movie she and Big watched at the beginning of the movie and shows off her bare leg to stop the next available cab.
The gals make it aboard their flight...and when Carrie arrives home, she's bummed that Big didn't meet her at the airport as he promised. She also discovers that the TV in the bedroom is gone.
Carrie takes a shower, then leaves Big a message to let him know that she's back from Abu Dhabi...and sits in the dark until he finally returns home. He tells her he's been wandering the streets to kill time and torture her...and admits that the visual of her smooching Aidan really tore him up. He calls her "a bit of a rookie" when it comes to marriage, then pulls a small jewelry box out of his pocket and orders her to wear the giant rock on her finger as a constant reminder that she's married. The fuck?! What the hell kind of punishment is that? Carrie squeals, "Gladly!" and promises to never kiss a man who's not her husband, and to stop worrying about them becoming a boring married couple.
As the film mercifully wraps up and Cyndi Lauper croons True Colors in the background, we see that Miranda has gotten a job at a more female-friendly law firm, and Samantha met up with Rikard and is enjoying an enthusiastic boning on the hood of his car somewhere in the Hamptons. Charlotte happily discovers that Erin is a lesbian who's only into other hot nannies, and makes regular use of Carrie's vacant apartment so she can escape the tediousness of raising two young children - even though she has no job and employs a full time nanny. Carrie cuddles with Big on their uncomfortable looking designer couch while they watch a black and white movie...and are smooching when the delightful words The End appear on the TV screen.
That is a wrap for Sex and the City...and fingers crossed, there will never be a third installment. Hope you enjoyed the recaps!
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