Recap: After bumming around Paris for two weeks, Carrie voice-overingly declares that "it was time for the ultimate in sophisticated French fare": meeting your lover and his ex-wife for lunch. Carrie arrives at a fancy restaurant, her dark-rooted hair looking ratty and unkempt, and is directed to a table where an elegant looking brunette named Juliet is sitting. Misha, naturally, has pulled another no-show and calls Juliette on her cell to let her know that he's too busy with museum stuff to make it to their lunch. She snidely relays the message to Carrie, then criticizes the chairs in the restaurant they're eating in to be "hideous, hideous". Seems like a weird thing to rag on, but...I'll give her that, they are a tad fugly.
Charlotte has taken Anthony with her to shop for a simple new outfit for when she and Harry meet birth parents who have promised to give them their baby. She giddily says they're from Charlotte, NC and considers it a hopeful sign. Anthony jokes that it's very "TV movie of the week" - a well to do couple opening their Park Avenue home to a child of dumb toothless yokels. Charlotte argues that to her knowledge they're not dumb or toothless, but Anthony waxes on about how in the made-for-TV version of events, Charlotte will be played by Barbara Perkins (circa Valley of the Dolls), while he'll be played by Colin Ferrell. Charlotte manages to keep a straight face as she asks, "Do you think you look like Colin Ferrell", then assures him that he'll still have a significant real-life role in her post-baby life.
Samantha and Smith are getting their cropped hair dyed ash blonde...and after they're done getting blonded, they enter the changing area to change back into their clothes. (I didn't know it was a thing to get undressed at beauty salons during a coloring - am I living under a rock?) Smith chooses that moment to bring up the fact that they never have sex anymore and that he's been so troubled by it that he started seeing a therapist...and a depressed Samantha tells him that chemo has completely sapped her sex drive.
Back at the sophisticated Parisian lunch, Juliette tells Carrie she's been dying to meet her (say wuh?) then talks trash about Misha some more, specifically how his favorite phrase is "as soon as" and that he's a major shitheel in the promise-keeping department. She says they had a wonderful marriage while it lasted, but that she got tired of always coming in second - behind his large scale light installation art. Incidentally, it sounds like an unwieldy type of art form for Misha to have transported across an ocean so quickly. Juliet asks Carrie about her writing, so Carrie tells her she used to write a raunch column for a tabloid rag that somehow became a bestselling book...and, even more implausibly, was translated and published in France. Juliette looks surprised and asks her if Misha is OK with her success...and when Carrie says he's very supportive, Juliette murmurs, "People change" and puffs away on her cigarette before offering one to Carrie.
Later, Misha tells Carrie, who's slipped back into her stinky cigarette smoking habit, that Juliette gave her a rave review...and by rave review, she reported that she found Carrie to be "beautiful, smart, and chic". Hmm...Juliette seems pretty astute; it must have been the wine talking. Misha gets a call on his cell, and it turns out there's yet another museum emergency he has to get to STAT! Carrie scrunches her horsey face in disapproval and whines that she thought they'd be spending the whole afternoon together. Misha wearily chides her for making him feel bad when he's under so much pressure, and promises that they'll spend lots more time together after his exhibit opens. As he hails a taxi, Carrie puffs on her cigarette and asks him what he thinks about her restarting the disgusting habit, and he says that everyone in Paris smokes, and that it's "very sexy", to which she shrieks, "It's killllllling meeeeee!" Fingers crossed. She then wanders into a nearby cafe, eats lunch next to a large wrinkly dog, then takes a lonely, leisurely walk on a cobblestone street and accidentally steps in a soft turd of horse-shit. Awesome.
Late that evening, Misha returns to the hotel room...and the show does the tired old thing where Carrie pretends to be asleep, but is really awake and staring unhappily into space.
Over in Brooklyn, Steve's ma seems more loopy than usual as she slurs her words and continually refers to Brady as L'il Stevie. Steve tells Miranda he's worried about her mental state and wants to swing her by the ER to make sure her that her brain is in reasonable working order.
Smith is packing for his upcoming movie production in Canada. Samantha is lounging on a chair, puffing on a reefer, and gives him permission to doink any hot actress who catches his eye. Smith gets annoyed and goes, "Are we here again? After everything?" and Samantha argues that she's doing her best to keep him by giving him permission to have sex while she's out of commission. Smith tells her her body just needs time to heal itself, and that by the time spring comes, her well-worn cooch should be back in business.
Steve and his ma return home from the ER, and Steve tells Miranda that the doctor deduced that she likely had a small stroke a week ago, which resulted in some memory loss. He wants her to stay with them tonight, and that he's going to swing by her place to pick up her nightgown and a change of clothes. Miranda contorts her face into a sympathetic expression and offers to go with him.
Steve is shocked by the filthy state of his ma's apartment. He starts cleaning up a stack of dirty dishes and natters about hiring a maid...and Miranda interjects to tell him that his ma can come live with them. He stares back at her, stunned, and goes, "She can?" and Miranda follows up her uncharacteristic kindness by rhetorically asking, "Why else do we have that big house?"
Carrie is ambling around Paris in a pretty blue coat when she comes upon a bookstore and sees her book on display in the front window (as fucking if), then excitedly goes inside. She's leafing through a copy of it looking confused when a bookstore employee comes over to ask her if she needs any help...then pauses as she stares at Carrie, then down at the book, and realizes she's in the presence of the author. She immediately calls her coworker friend over - a lanky dude named Paul who exclaims, "I 'ave zee zex! She 'as zee zex! We all 'ave zee zex!" - and the two nauseatingly gush over Carrie and the raunchy musings in her book. The two are so delighted at meeting Carrie in person that they offer to throw a party in her honor on Saturday night.
Carrie excitedly tells Misha about her Parisian fan base, and their offer of a party on Saturday night. He says he won't be able to make it 'cause he's unveiling his light show to the museum curator that night - but he urges her to go to her "throngs of screaming fans" and have fun. I'm not sure if, by that comment, Misha was being jokey or a sarcastic dick. It's a toss-up.
Charlotte and Harry host a 'meet and greet' at their swanky apartment for the yokelly North Carolina couple - and, hey, the wife is the original Becky from Roseanne! Becky tells them that the baby is a girl, and that she's been thinking over various names she likes. Charlotte's face falls as she flatly asks, "We're not getting the baby, are we?" and Becky sheepishly croaks, "We changed our mannnnds." Harry irritably asks them why in blazes they came all the way to New York and put them through this, and the husband shamelessly tells him they've never seen New York City and thought that an expense paid trip might be nice before they get too tied down with a new baby. In the next scene, Harry informs Charlotte that he's composing an angry email to their baby lawyer, and Charlotte reminds him that the lawyer warned them this could happen...and that their real baby will soon be en route from somewhere.
Samantha arrives at her office and is pleasantly surprised by a pretty bouquet of soon-to-bloom tulips that Smith had had delivered. She reads the note that came with it - Looking forward to spring - and promptly calls him to rescind her permission for him to have sex with hot actresses while he's filming.
Carrie is about to leave for her party in a flouncy ballerina dress when she notices that Misha is having trouble with his cufflinks due to a contrived wigout about his grand unveiling. Carrie urges him to breathe while he natters about how worried he is that everyone will think he's "an old man with silly light machines" ... and, well d'yuh, considering the high probability of this bizarre art form entering overlit and tacky territory, it's a definite possibility. He begs her to come along and give him moral support at the museum, and Carrie reminds him that she has her party and that she has no way to get in touch with the planners in order to cancel or postpone. Misha doesn't give a rat's ass and is like, "Pleeeeeease, I neeeeeeed you there" so Carrie reluctantly agrees to indulge his sudden bout of insecurity.
When the two arrive at the museum, they agree to hold hands all evening...but when the curator greets Misha with applause and barks, "Genius! Genius!" Misha promptly lets go of Carrie's hand and makes a beeline over to where the curator is standing to be further gushed over by him and his group of flunkies.
Steve's ma is continuing to call Brady Lil Stevie and is nattering about wanting to take him to the zoo. Miranda rolls her eyes at Charlotte, who dropped by for a visit, and complains that ma has several bad days for every one lucid day. A few minutes later, it dawns on Miranda that ma had her coat on, then sees that the front door is wide open. She snaps, "Shit!" and tells Charlotte to watch Brady while she goes out to look for the nutter.
Over in Paris, Carrie sits on a bench at the museum as Misha continues to be gushed over by the museum folk. Calm down, people. It's just light installation art. Out of boredom, Carrie digs through the contents of her purse and suddenly perks up when she finds her Carrie necklace, which had somehow slipped inside a hole in her purse's lining. Awww...I guess this means she "found herself" after living in servitude to Misha for the last two weeks. As the song La Belle et le Bad Boy starts up in the background, Carrie quietly squeals with joy, then rightly decides fuck Misha! and races off to see if she can still make her party. She tries to hail a cab but doesn't have much luck...and by scripted coincidence, Mr. Big is sitting in the back seat of a limo amid the traffic at that exact moment, but doesn't notice her. Meanwhile, over in Brooklyn, Miranda finds Steve's ma eating pizza out of a trash can. She snatches it out of her hand, steers her back home, and takes her straight to the bathroom for a badly needed hosing-off. Magda sees her sponging cleaning ma and looks impressed.
Carrie finally manages to catch a cab and arrives at the restaurant - but her party is no more...and a copy of her book has been abandoned on the table with a drink stain on the cover. Ouch. And haha! She gets visibly upset as she turns around and sadly exits the restaurant.
When Carrie returns to the hotel, she unleashes her anger on Misha for making her miss her party and then abandoning her at the museum. Misha rolls his eyes and says they can discuss this in the morning...and she glares at him incredulously and snarks, "I'm in this relationship too!" and reminds that she didn't give up her life in New York to wander the streets of Paris alone. Misha's like, "Whatevs. I'm taking a shower and going to bed" - but when Carrie tries to pull him toward her, he lifts his arm and inadvertently backhands her across the face, which snaps her diamond necklace and causes the gems to spill into her cleavage. She clutches her cheek and stares at him in self-piteous horror, and he insists he's pretty sure that the smack was an accident. He adds that he thought he had been clear about what a self-absorbed tool he is, and Carrie climbs atop her sassy horse and says it's time she was clear about what a self-absorbed tool she is. She then natters about how she's looking for love, as in "real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love". She adds that nothing resembling that kind of passion is in this expensive suite, blames herself for agreeing to move to Paris (as well she should) and admits that she never should have come (no fucking duh). Misha masks his relief at the bullet he's in the process of dodging, and just stares dully into space as Carrie gives him a goodbye kiss on the cheek and departs his life forever.
Carrie is downstairs at the front desk, picking the diamonds out of her cleavage as she explains in unintelligible French to the desk clerk that she needs to book her own room. When the diamonds scatter onto the floor, she crouches down to pick them up - just as Big enters the lobby. When he spots her he grins and says hi, and she says hi back and starts to tear up about what a [predictable] mess her [ill-fated] Parisian adventure turned out to be, and that she and Misha got into a fight, which involved her getting a face smack. Big gets incensed and says he's going to storm upstairs to give Misha the what-for, so Carrie chases after him, insisting that he got it completely wrong. She catches up to him and gets close enough to trip him...and the two land in a heap and start giggling and rolling around on the floor.
Later, Carrie and Big take an evening stroll and gabble about how surreal this series finale is getting. Big says it took him a long time to "get here", then declares, "Carrie, you're the one" and Carrie shoots him a smug grin, then orders him to kiss her and take her home.
Harry informs Charlotte that he just got word from an adoption agency that they've been approved to become parents to a little Chinese girl, and that they can have her in six months. He shows Charlotte a photograph of the child, and she tears up, nods fervently, and says, "That's our baby!"
Smith takes a break from filming in Canada to fly back to New York and declare his love for Samantha. He's one hopeless sap, that Smith. Samantha looks touched and tells him he's meant more to her than any man she's ever doinked. Ouch, I guess she couldn't bring herself to return his I love you. The two start going at it.
After a speedy Paris-to-New York flight, Big and Carrie arrive at her brownstone. As she's about to walk up the steps, he rolls down his car window and says that since he doesn't live in New York, he doesn't have anywhere to stay. She coyly asks him if he wants to come upstairs, and he flashes her a maniacal grin and coos, "Abso-fucking-lutely" which - yes, writers, we get it - is an obnoxious shout-out to the show's horrific pilot episode.
Carrie bursts into the diner where the gigolas are brunching - and they gush and carry on as if Carrie's been gone for years. She then wraps up this wretched series by voice-overing about relationships, old and familiar, which "bring you somewhere unexpected" - and we're subjected to a montage of Charlotte and Harry walking their dog brood, Miranda and her family gathered around the table, and a naked Samantha shrieking orgasmically as she bounces atop Smith. Yeesh. Carrie struts down the street in a tacky fur coat, bloviating about how "the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself" at the same time she gets a call from Big [the man she unhealthily obsessed over for the last six years despite the show marketing itself as a proud promoter of feminism], who informs her that he just put his California house on the market and is returning to New York to seal the show's happily ever after ending.
Brace yourselves for the feature films recaps. %$#@!!!