Recap: Carrie is futzing with her toilet, which has started to mysteriously flush itself for no reason. Aidan announces that he's finished packing up his shit and is ready to exit her life forever (yipppeeee!!)...but when he hears the flushing noises in her bathroom, he offers to take a look. He pokes around the tank part of the toilet and tells Carrie that the ballcock just needed adjusting...and Carrie stares back at him mournfully and says that their last words to each other can't be ballcock, and implores him to stay. He reminds her that they already hashed all this out at the end of the previous episode, and that he's sooooo ready to move on from this soul-sucking relationship. Carrie tells him she left her diamond engagement ring on the table...and when he graciously tells her she can keep it (crazy talk, in my opinion) she tearfully insists he take it and begs him to not say or do one more nice thing. She tells him she's going to stay in the bathroom so she doesn't have to watch him walk out the door for the last time...then lowers her keister onto the floor and somehow manages to languish there for the next three hours.
When she finally emerges from the bathroom, she sees that Aidan has left her a thick envelop with her name scrawled across it. Naturally, she assumes it's a heartfelt 'farewell, I shall always love ye, Carrie' letter...so she grabs a box of tissues and settles into her big leather chair in preparation for the tearful reading. I laughed out loud when the letter turns out to be legal documents from the law firm of Gold and Vogel regarding his ownership of her now co-op apartment.
At the next brunch summit, Miranda looks over the documents and explains to her nitwitted friend that Aidan is giving her thirty days to either vacate (so he can sell the apartment) or buy it from him for the exact price he paid. When Samantha snarls about how tacky it is for Aidan to be evicting Carrie, Miranda argues that he's not technically evicting her and that the request is more than fair...and therefore so much more than she deserves. Carrie bristles at the word vacate and self-piteously whines that she's about to become a Fendi bag lady. Charlotte suggests she buy her place, but Carrie nixes that idea (as if it's even an option with her finances being in the state they're in) and pronounces that New York is a city of renters...but then the gigolas point out that of the four of them, she's the only one who rents. Carrie points out to Charlotte that she snagged her multi-million dollar Park Avenue apartment by bullying Bunny into changing the prenup so she'd be a million dollars richer in the event of an inevitable divorce, but Charlotte insists, "Oh, I paid for that apartment" and widens her eyes as if spending a year and a half married to a dorkish but otherwise pleasant doctor who committed the sin of no longer wanting to try for a baby entitles her to a premium piece of Manhattan real estate she'd never be able to afford on her own. Miranda lets out a loud, stinky fart and says she can no longer hold it in - and Samantha holds her nose and tells her to try 'cause it's unappetizing. She then pulls out a lovely Chanel wallet to pay for the brunch...and when the gals oooh and awww over the elegant accessory, she tells them it was a gift from Richard. Charlotte chirps, "He is in love with you!" but Samantha argues he's not, and that he signed the card 'Style for style. Best, Richard'. She glumly adds, "It's like signing 'not love'" and says he's only ever generous with his money. Carrie shifts the conversation back to herself and says that Aidan wanted her to keep the diamond engagement ring...and Charlotte goes, "You did, didn't you?" but Carrie shakes her head. Samantha calls her a fool, but she insists it was the right thing to do and that if she'd kept it, it would have broken her heart every time she looked at it.
Charlotte brings her diamond ring to a jeweller to look into repurposing it. The overeager salesgirl tells her they could turn it into a necklace, pendant, or earrings...then shows off her earrings, which was once a baguette engagement ring given to her by her ex-husband, who she says turned out to be a "fag-uette". Yeesh, writers.
Carrie is at her bank to see about getting a loan for the downpayment of her apartment, which I thought was hilariously optimistic of her. The bank lady looks her up on the computer and quickly determines that she currently has $700 in her checking account and $957 in savings...and nothing else. Carrie tries to connect with her on a human level and tells her the sad story about how she just broke up with her fiancé and now has twenty-five days to either vacate her apartment or scrape together a downpayment out of thin air. The bank lady asks her if she has any other income besides whatever meagre salary she must be earning as a raunch columnist: stocks? bonds? property? and Carrie's like, "No, no, and no" but says she was once chosen as New York Magazine's Best Pick for City Columnist. Linda shoots her an incredulous, you shittin' me? stare, then comes right out and tells her she's not a desirable candidate for a loan. Carrie responds by shrugging in the annoyingly self-piteous way she continues to do throughout the rest of the episode.
Carrie ambles over to the nearest bus stop and asks a random woman how much bus fare is...and when she tells her it's a dollar fifty, Carrie says that for three more dollars she could hop into a cab. I cannot fathom how these SATC women get around in Manhattan completely shunning all forms of public transportation. A bus pulls up and just happens to have that grisly banner advertisement featuring Carrie contorting her horsey face in a sultry expression while wearing a pink underwear dress...and the random woman is all, "Wha-a? Why do you have to take the bus if you're on the bus? and Carrie nods and mumbles, "My thoughts exactly."
Carrie taps out her weekly dreck, pondering her status as a single, thirty-five year old woman who has zero financial security (due to years of reckless squandering that no one held a gun to her head and forced upon her), but many life experiences. She incredulously asks, "Did that mean nothing?" then natters about how heartbreak and breakups are hard work...and - without a scrap of common sense or self-examination - actually ponders aloud to viewers, "Shouldn't there be some sort of credit for enduring them?" As her possessed toilet starts self-flushing again, she reflects on her failed relationship with Aidan from which she only has "war wounds and self doubt" and wonders, "What's it all worth?", then stares contemplatively into space.
Charlotte is calling various art galleries to see if any of them are hiring - but none of them are. She then cheers herself up by putting on her diamond engagement ring and wandering around her apartment.
Richard presents Samantha with yet another trinket, but urges her to read the card before she rips the box open. She's less than thrilled when it reads 'Sexy for sexy. Best, Richard'.
Carrie, who's dressed in a see-through white sundress so we get an eyeful of the outline of her granny panties, is accompanying Miranda to a shoe store so she can find something that will accommodate her swelling feet. Carrie whines about it being torture to be in a shoe store and not be able to buy anything...so she gathers up a bunch of stilettos, hands them to a sales clerk, and says she'd like to try them on - but that he is not, under any circumstances, to allow her to purchase any of them 'cause she's just trying them on for fun. He glares at her with disdain and mutters, "How fun for me." Haha! Miranda lets out a muffled fart, apologizes for the stench, and tells Carrie that in addition to being a gassy, unsightly mess, she's never been so horny in her life...and that it's sucky she's not married to someone who's obligated to doink her. She calls herself an undesirable - but Carrie says, "No, I am" and tells her about how the bank lady told her she was not a desirable candidate for a loan...which I actually thought was a more than diplomatic way of chastising her for being an irresponsible moron who can't be trusted to pay back a loan. She scrunches her horsey face confusedly and wonders where all the money she's earned over the past ten years could have gone. Miranda points at the designer shoe she's clutching and says that at $400 a pair - and Carrie cheekily admits to owning over one hundred pairs (holy fucking crap) - so Miranda says, "A hundred times four hundred. There's your downpayment." Carrie can't do math in her head, so she thinks that that only equates to $4,000, but Miranda says it adds up to, uh, $40,000. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" as she finally confronts the horror of her pathological spending on frivolous shit and quips, "I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes." (Well, not literally.) Miranda responds by farting again, which I thought was a fitting way to end a scene that left me shaking my head in utter incredulity and muttering obscenities at the TV screen.
Carrie has hired a real estate agent to take her house hunting, and she's unhappy with the apartment she's currently being shown 'cause of the tiny closet and curry stench coming from the Indian restaurant directly below. She bewilderedly asks the agent how a dump like this could possibly cost $2,800 a month when she's currently paying $750 for a place that has no curry stench and is twice the size. When the agent crisply suggests she stay in her rent-controlled apartment, Carrie grumbles that it's not an option then bitchily asks, "What other shitholes are you showing me today?" The agent somehow refrains from smacking her and says that with her attitude and price limitations, she should look into Weehawken. Bwahaha!
Carrie puts on a white suit with a flouncy skirt and matching gloves and sashays over to Mr. Big's office to drop some not-so-subtle hints about how desperately she needs a cash infusion. After their usual obnoxious flirty repartee, Carrie tells him she's here "in an official capacity" and says she once read that he borrowed $3 million and used it to leverage a $100 million dollar building. She asks how he did that, 'fesses up about her breakup with Aidan, and informs him she's broke. When she pitifully squeaks, "I'm worth nothing", he retorts, "You're worth a million bucks, Bradshaw" and assures her she's going to be OK...and by OK, he means he's fully aware that she's here with her hand out, and since he's fabulously wealthy he's going to stroke her a check for $30,000 so she won't have to forlornly wander the streets while dragging along her belongings in a shopping cart.
While out for dinner in Chinatown, Carrie tells the gals that Big gave her a huge handout to use for her downpayment and asks if she should take it. Charlotte is shocked that Big would just hand over $30,000 no questions asked, but Miranda advises against keeping it 'cause it would give him all the control. (Not that I care, but I'm not sure that this theory applies if the two aren't in a relationship.) Miranda and Samantha offer to loan Carrie the money, but Carrie declines - not least 'cause Miranda is about to have a baby - and declares that she's going to figure her own way out of this self-inflicted mess...and says this while glaring at Charlotte, who's loudly sipping soda out of her straw and doing her best to avoid making eye contact. Carrie dramatically rips up Big's check, and then Charlotte changes the subject and announces that she just got a job as a docent at the Museum of Modern Art. Carrie perks up and asks what that pays 'cause she's pretty sure she can "docent", and Charlotte explains that it's a voluntary (but highly coveted) position at the museum.
Carrie paces around her apartment, miffed about having to vacate the apartment she's lived in for the last ten years. She suddenly gets irrationally angry - not at herself for spending money like a drunken sailor for an entire decade - but at Charlotte for not offering to loan her the 30K.
Carrie storms over to Charlotte's apartment and blurts out, "Why didn't you offer me the money?" then immediately claims she wouldn't have accepted it and sanctimoniously says that if the situation were reversed she would have offered it to her. When Charlotte says that money and friendship don't mix, Carrie admits she's aware that she has some "financial messiness" which needs to get mopped up asap, which is why she's actively looking into getting some freelance work at Vogue...'cause, yeah, that's plausible. She admonishes Charlotte for avoiding making eye contact with her at the Chinese restaurant while she was bellyaching about her money woes, then bitches about how annoying it is that she's volunteering as a docent when she doesn't even have to work. Charlotte shoots her a hard stare and says it's not her job to fix the clusterfuck of a financial turdpile she's created for herself by binge-shopping, and points out that she's a thirty-five woman who should learn to stand on her own, especially since the writers are constantly trying to pass the four of them off as independent, smart, savvy women. Carrie suddenly notices that Charlotte is wearing her engagement ring and chides her for having the gall to lecture her about being independent...and Charlotte barks back that it's her ring and she can wear it if she wants to. (Actually, it's Trey's ring, since he was the one who went to Tiffany's and shelled out his hard earned cash for the overpriced thing...but that's a whole other can of worms). Charlotte says the only reason she's volunteering at the museum is 'cause no one will hire her, and that apparently she has too much experience. Carrie back pedals and mutters about how she got herself all worked up on the way over, then whines about how the stilettos she stupidly wore to storm over to Park Avenue are too tight and pinch her feet. She grumbles, "I'm in a financial cul-de-sac" then self-piteously adds that she's going to take the bus, and just hopes the giant ad with her ugly mug and pink underwear dress isn't on the side of it. Well duh. That's an eyesore none of us needs to see again.
A naked Samantha is strutting around Richard's apartment when she encounters his assistant in the living room. They both get startled and scream...and Samantha modestly wraps a towel around herself as if for the last four seasons she hasn't been totally comfortable parading around nude in front of whoever might be remotely interested in getting a long gander of her naughties. The assistant introduces himself as Roger, tells her he's gay, and that he's Richard's personal shopper...which means he spends his days running errands and buying trinkets for the various women his boss is boning. He confesses to being the one who's been buying her gifts and signing the cards. He stares at her sheepishly and begs, "Please don't have me fired" and she agrees to forget she ever saw him if the next card "Richard" writes to her includes the word love.
That evening, Richard presents Samantha with a glittery bracelet. She tears open the card, which reads 'Gorgeous for gorgeous. Love, Richard'...and Samantha shrieks the word love. Richard chews on that sentiment for a few seconds, then declares, "I love you, Samantha" and she excitedly replies, "I love.." then holds up her new bracelet and squeals, "This!"
Steve and Miranda are going over the contract agreement for custody of their spawn...and Steve laughs and tells her that at some point things are going to get off schedule. When he offers to give her a much needed foot rub, she asks him if he finds her ugly - and he assures her she has a healthy, attractive pregnancy glow. She's like, "But would you want to have sex with me?" and he mulls that over and decides he might be into tapping that again. He jokingly asks her if sex is allowed in the contract, and she tells him to fuck the contract and to fuck her...but makes it clear that it's just a mercy fuck.
Carrie meets up with Charlotte at a fancy restaurant to apologize for her nutty behavior the other day. Charlotte tells her she was right (say wuh?) and that she hasn't wanted to let go of being Mrs. Trey MacDougal. No duh. You're currently squatting in his family's multi-million dollar apartment with no intention of going out into the world and earning your own living anymore. Carrie wanks her by telling her she's coping amazingly well...so then Charlotte places her ring box on the table and tells Carrie she'd like to offer it to her for her downpayment. Carrie pretends she couldn't possibly accept it 'cause it would "make things too complicated" but Charlotte tells her it's a business proposal, "clean and simple", and ponders why she looted all this money from the rich MacDougal clan if she can't help out a friend. Carrie accepts the ring, assures her she'll pay her back, and tells her she somehow got Vogue to pay her $4.50 a word for her raunch writing.
Carrie signs her mortgage papers as a plumber comes by her apartment to fix her possessed toilet. She natters about how securing the money for the downpayment wasn't quite as easy as clicking her Manolos three times, but that "it was worth it. I was home". LOL. From where I'm sitting, it looked pretty darn easy for her to snap up Charlotte's ring money in order to keep herself from getting kicked out of her apartment and ending up on the streets. Or in Weehawken.