Recap: This needless continuation of a TV show that was largely pointless to begin with opens with a voice-overed (by Carrie) recap of what's been going on with the gigolas since the series finale: Charlotte and Harry have become parents to an adorable Chinese girl named Lily, Miranda and her brood still live in exile in Brooklyn, and Samantha moved to what looks like Malibu to manage Smith's acting career. Carrie, meanwhile, is still in a relationship with Mr. Big...and she's somehow become a published author of three more books that I'll assume are filled with her schlocky I couldn't help but wonder type musings.
Carrie meets up with Big to go house-hunting on Fifth Avenue for "the perfect apartment" ... and we learn that this is the thirty-third place they've looked at. The realtor, who already got a quick look at the place, makes an ew face and tells them it's "the worst" ... and after they briefly check it out and concur about it being the worst, Carrie tells the selling agent to let them know if anything else opens up 'cause they're very interested in the building. The agent says in fact there is another apartment that just opened up...and they're welcome to look it over even though it's way beyond their budget. He presses the PH button inside the elevator (penthouse!) and they enter a spacious apartment that's bathed in sunlight and has elegant French doors leading to a private terrace. Carrie wanders around the apartment looking transfixed, pronounces that she's in "real estate heaven", then acts all weird as she stares vacantly into space and coos at no one in particular, "Helloooo. I live here." The selling agent chuckles and tells Big his wife has "quite a sense of humor", and Carrie breezily retorts that Big is merely her boyfriend. When they're shown to the master bedroom, Carrie scrunches her horsey face in disappointment at the teeny tiny adjoining closet. Big says he can build her a monstrous closet, then grins and says, "Welcome home, baby", which fuuuuuuuuuuuck...it makes me cringe every time Mr. Debonair McDouchewad refers to Carrie as baby. Carrie pretends to look concerned about the money he's going to have to shell out for what is surely a multi-million dollar property and asks, "Can we afford this?" and he's like, "If by we you mean me, then yeah."
Carrie is excitedly gabbling about the palatial penthouse to Charlotte and Miranda, and Miranda points out that since Big is paying for it he'll be the sole owner (assuming he doesn't put her name on the deed). Carrie says she's A-OK with that as long as her gal pals are green with envy that she gets to live in a fabulous Manhattan penthouse for no reason other than she managed to get her skanklet hooks into a bland rich guy who, after six looooong years, declared her "the one" so that the series could conclude with a contrived happy ending. A few seconds later, they meet up with Samantha, who flew into town so that the four could attend a special auction of jewelry owned by a scorned billionaire's girlfriend. Samantha has her heart set on acquiring a gaudily bejeweled flower ring...but when the bidding gets underway, she loses the ring to a mysterious over-the-phone bidder. The gals learn more about the sad tale of the billionaire's girlfriend from some random woman in the bathroom: apparently, she had been warned by her friends to get the billionaire to seal the deal and marry her...but she didn't listen and, without warning, got thrown out on the street when he tired of her. Yeesh. This billionaire sounds like a heartless assbag. Miranda shoots Carrie a this could happen to you too look, and Carrie stares concernedly into space.
That evening, Carrie tells Big she wants to sell her apartment and put the money towards the mortgage for their fancy new penthouse - presumably after she repays Charlotte the 30K she foolishly loaned her in Season 4, and whatever cash Misha threw her way to subsidize her mortgage payments so she'd be free to trail after him to Paris in the series finale. When Big seems confused by the notion of Carrie seeking to be an equal financial partner in their horrendous coupling, she points out that if he insists on paying for the penthouse himself, she'd have no legal right to it if he ever decides he's had enough of her shrill self-absorption and dumps her like yesterday's news. Big mulls that over and asks her if she wants to get married, and she pretends to contemplate what she's been yearning for since Season 1 and says she didn't think it was an option. He shrugs and says that marriage to her might not be the most horrific thing to happen in his life...and when she says she feels the same way, Big pronounces, "OK. We're getting married." Carrie squeals happily and says she doesn't need a huge diamond ring - just a huge walk-in closet to house her mountain of designer stilettos and fugly skankwear.
The next day at lunch, Carrie tells the gigolas that she and Big made a mutual decision to get hitched - and Charlotte shrieks with joy so loudly that everyone within hearing range in the restaurant glances over with annoyance in their direction. Charlotte explains to the hapless diners that her pathetic friend, who has been on a dysfunctional rollercoaster of a ride with her commitment-phobic boyfriend for the last ten years, is finally getting married...and the diners throw her a bone and explode into cheers.
Carrie calls Samantha in L.A. to let her know about her impending nuptials, and Samantha looks less than thrilled by the news. After abruptly hanging up, she calls Carrie back a few minutes later to explain that she was in shock 'cause she figured she'd never want to get married after the Aidan debacle. Carrie says it feels different this time, like she and Big are two grownups who made a decision to spend the rest of their lives together. Samantha grudgingly expresses happiness for her joy...then gets figuratively backhanded when Carrie appoints her to serve as maid of honor. Haha!
Anthony and Charlotte are over at Carrie's apartment to kick-start the wedding planning. Carrie announces that she already found her dress, then pulls out a label-less, boring looking creme colored skirt/blazer combo from her closet. Charlotte and Anthony look underwhelmed by her odd choice - but Carrie insists that she loves how "simple and classic" it is, and that it's definitely what she wants to wear when she ties the knot with Big. That seems completely out of character for someone who had no qualms about decking herself out in a ginormously layered ball gown for a mere dinner date with Misha when the two lived in Paris...but whatever, writers.
Charlotte is having dinner with her family when she sees a blurb about Carrie's impending wedding on Page Six of The New York Post. She immediately gets on the horn with Carrie and reads the blurb to her over the phone...and when Big asks what's going on, Carrie gleefully tells him that their wedding news made Page Six. He looks irked and asks how in blazes that happened, and she shakes her head and pretends to look utterly mystified.
Candice Bergen summons Carrie to her Vogue office to inform her that they're doing a spread on forty year old brides titled "The Last Single Girl", and for some God-only-knows-why reason, they want to feature Carrie in a multi-page spread decked out in bridal couture. When Carrie pretends to need time to think it over, Candice Bergen tells her to cut the shit and just nod for yes...and Carrie shuts her eyes and fake winces as she nods her agreement.
Photo shoot! We're subjected to a nauseating montage of Carrie mixing with famous photographers and the Vogue fashion elite (André Leon Talley!) wearing outlandish bridal gowns from all the top designers: Vera Wang, Carolina Herrera, Christian Lacroix, Oscar de la Renta, and Vivienne Westwood.
Not long after the shoot, Carrie receives a giant box in the mail...and inside is the poof-tastic Vivienne Westwood gown - sent from the designer herself. Vivienne gushes in a note about how the gown can only belong to Carrie given how faaaaaabulous she looked in it during the Vogue photo shoot - and Carrie squeals happily and immediately casts aside her boring skirt/blazer combo in favor of this '80s-esque monstrosity.
Carrie climbs into bed and reads her library book alongside Big. She natters about the book she's reading, which is called Love Letters of Great Men, then reads aloud some of the love letters and snarkishly asks Big why he's never written her anything resembling a love letter. Big says it's not his style...then points out that since he sees her every day, there isn't actually a need for him to write her letters. Fair 'nuff, I guess.
The following day, Carrie goes to the flagship branch of the New York Public Library to return her overdue books. When she sees flowers and catering arrive for a wedding, she perks up and decides that the building "that housed all the great love stories" would be the perfect venue for her and Big's wedding.
Miranda is out to dinner with her family (plus Magda), and Miranda bitchily tries to move dinner along so that she can hurry back home and work on a brief. When Magda and Brady go to the bathroom and are safely out of earshot, Steve tells Miranda to cool it with the bitchitude and let Magda finish her meal...and Miranda snappishly retorts that she's exhausted after Brady got her up at 5am. She takes a sip of whatever she's drinking and gets a foam mustache - and this prompts Steve to giggle and also take a sip so he gets his own foam mustache. Miranda manages a smile...but when she and Steve are going at in bed hours later, she gets impatient and barks, "Let's just get it over with!" Steve gives her a funny look, dismounts, and grumbles about the lack of sex in their soulless, deteriorating marriage.
At brunch the next day, Miranda asks the gigolas how often they have sex...and Charlotte shoots her the stink-eye as she motions at Lily and orders her to substitute the s word with something else. Miranda sees that Lily is coloring and opts for the word color instead, then recounts hers and Steve's embarrassing interaction in the sack last night. The gals are aghast and giddily discuss their sex frequency levels - except Carrie, who will only reveal that "when Big 'colors', he rarely stays inside the lines". Blech.
Carrie arrives at Big's apartment...and he emerges from the terrace, presses her against the wall, and the two start going at it. Blech again.
In L.A., Smith surprises Samantha with the gaudily bejeweled flower ring that had been up for auction earlier. She tells him she had planned to buy it for herself - but Smith says he really really wanted to give it to her for their anniversary (apparently they met five years ago that day)...and at her panicked urging, he clarifies that it's not an engagement ring. When she offers to give him a thank you blow job, he declines 'cause he needs to squeeze in a workout before going to bed so he can get up early for whatever he's currently filming. Samantha gets irked about how his busy work schedule is starting to preclude them from hitting the sheets multiple times a day.
As Samantha lounges in the hot tub, she watches her vapid (but mega-hot) neighbor, Dante, get it on with one of his floozies. She's so enamored that, from that point on, she spends her sex-less nights watching Dante get it on with whoever he happens to bring home. Weird.
Big brings Carrie to the Fifth Avenue penthouse, which is still under construction. He shows her the new closet (with double doors!) he had custom built...and - yeesh - it looks like the builders had to take out a lot of square footage from whatever was on the other side of that wall to create such an insane amount of closet space. Carrie squeals with joy and places a pair of blue stilettos she just bought on the gleaming shoe rack.
Carrie's apartment has sold quickly, which means we get to endure a gathering of the gigolas to pore over her wardrobe and help her pack. The three weigh in on each outfit - which Carrie puts on and prances around in while '80s music plays in the background, OMFG - by using signage to indicate whether or not the item is worth packing and moving to Big's place. After a stupid amount of time is spent on that, the stuff eventually gets all packed up...and after the furniture is cleared out, Carrie glances around her apartment one last time before exiting for the last time. And by the last time, I mean until shortly after she's jilted at the altar by Big and has to re-purchase the apartment at an inflated price. Bwahahaha!!!!
Steve makes a stricken-faced confession to Miranda that he thrust his chubby inside another woman - but that it only happened once and didn't mean anything. Miranda glares at him for several seconds, shrieks, "Do not follow me!", then storms out of the kitchen. When she enters the bedroom, hours later, she stands beside the bed and stares daggers at Steve. He assures her, "It's still me" and she replies, "Is it..?" and stalks out of the room. Ouch.
At the next brunch summit, Miranda tells the gals that she and Steve are splitting up 'cause of his one-time infidelity. Samantha urges her to reconsider and says, "Anyone can have a slip" - but Miranda remains firm and bitchily says she's kicking him to the curb 'cause he violated her trust.
Carrie wants to discuss wedding planning with Big - but he's too distracted by an email chain from the contractor who's renovating the penthouse and has pushed back their move-in date even further. I'll bet that stupid closet ate up more of the renovation budget and timeline than was originally expected. Carrie ignores him and blathers on and on about the guest list, which is now approaching two hundred people. Big's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and says he thought they had agreed on a smallish wedding. Carrie tells him that when word of her poofy Vivienne Westwood gown reached the masses, it "upped the ante" for the wedding. Big gets irked and snaps, "It is a circus!" and reminds Carrie that having a huge wedding his third time around is going to make him look foolish, and that he would have much preferred quietly tying the knot at City Hall. Carrie hangs her head in shame and mutters that it's prolly too late to change the venue to City Hall and cancel all the arrangements...and Big's like, "Well duh" and says he had refrained from expressing his real feelings about the whole thing so he wouldn't have to look at her horsey face contorted into a sad expression.
Rehearsal dinner! Carrie and Big arrive at a restaurant and join their guests at a huge dining table. As maid of honor, Samantha gives an obligatory toast to the happy couple...and one of Big's colleagues mocks him for being a groom for the third time. Big looks less than amused and stares glumly into space.
Steve arrives at the restaurant and asks Samantha - who's hanging out front, smoking cigars with the menfolk - if she could please go inside and fetch Miranda. When Miranda emerges, Steve explains that he crashed the party 'cause she refuses to answer his phone calls...and Miranda gets all snappish-bitchy and screeches, "You broke us!" which prompts laughter from a random group of young passersby. She growls at him some more about how she changed who she was for him (dunno what she's referring to with that) then storms back inside. A few seconds later, Miranda runs into Big and blurts out, "You two are crazy to get married. Marriage ruins everything!" and Big stares contemplatively into space as he mulls over that pearl of wisdom. Later, Carrie finds a mopey looking Big drinking alone at the bar and asks him if he's OK. He tells her he's just tired...and she obliviously gives him a big smooch and calls it her "last single-girl kiss".
The gigolas spend Carrie's "last night as a bachelorette" at Charlotte's apartment...and they all lounge around the master bedroom gabbling about Big's and Carrie's stoooopid relationship. Big interrupts when he calls Carrie on her cell and asks her if this is something they really want to do, then quickly adds that he's A-OK with their common-law arrangement and doesn't want to screw it up. Carrie assures him he won't, that they've both done everything humanly possible to screw up their turd of a relationship, and that he's marrying her - no one else. Big contemplates that and says goodnight while Carrie stares at the phone and scrunches her face concernedly.
Wedding day! Carrie emerges from Charlotte's bedroom decked out in her poofy designer gown...and for some unfathomable reason, she has an aqua-colored bird stuck to the side of her head. What in the fuckety fuck, Pat Field? As she's being fussed over by the gigolas, Big is frantically trying to reach her on her cell. Lily finds the ringing phone, hangs up on Big (hee!), and stuffs the phone into her little cupcake purse. Everyone heads outside to the waiting limos...and we hear Big leave Carrie several voicemail messages, then nonsensically explain, "I need to know that it's still us, you and me, like you said." [It is, idiot. She assured you of that less than twelve fucking hours ago.] In the next scene, his limo pulls up behind Carrie's limo in front of the library...and as he watches his non-bride-to-be exit the car, he murmurs, "Come on, baby. Turn around. Let me see you" - but gets visibly deflated when Carrie's veil obstructs her horsey face from view. When Carrie et. al. enter the library, Anthony and Stanford inform them that Big hasn't arrived yet...and Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and barks at no one in particular to give her a phone so she can call Big to find out whassup. Stanford hands her his phone...and when Carrie gets Big on the line, he tells her he was parked out front - but that he just left 'cause he can't bring himself to "do this". Carrie's all, "OMG!" and lets the phone slip out of her hand in dramatic slo-mo...and her face turns grey as she miserably blurts out, "He's not coming!" The gigolas gasp in shell-shocked horror and hustle Carrie out the back and back into the limo so she can flee in private...and as Big is being driven away from the library, he suddenly stares wild-eyed into space and exclaims, "What the fuck am I doing?!" and orders his driver to hit reverse so that his limo can intercept Carrie's limo. When Carrie's limo passes his, her driver quickly pulls over...and when an enraged Carrie bursts out of the car, Big tries to explain that he freaked out for a minute but now feels ready to exchange I dos - but Carrie ignores him and starts beating him with her bouquet while shrieking, "I. Am. Humiliated!!" as if a flower beating in the middle of the street isn't monumentally adding to her public humiliation. As the petals swirl around a bewildered Big, the gigolas steer Carrie back to her limo...and Miranda and Charlotte shoot Big an extra stinky stink-eye before they climb into the limo and drive off. Bwahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
Carrie retreats back to Charlotte's apartment and sips hard liquor while staring despondently into space and muttering to the gals about how numb she feels. Samantha wonders aloud what on earth got into Big and that he seemed fine at the rehearsal dinner, but Carrie says she knew that something contrived was taking shape when he called her last night. She sadly says she booked a honeymoon trip to Mexico and charged it to her credit card 'cause she wanted to surprise Big, and Samantha assures her she can get her out of that...and that if all else fails, she'll tell the travel agent that there was a death. Carrie self-piteously asks, "Wasn't there?" and resumes drinking.
Miranda pulls Charlotte aside and tells her she snapped at Big at the rehearsal dinner about how crazy he and Carrie were to get married, and can't help but wonder if that was the reason he ditched Carrie at the altar. Charlotte points out that Big has been weird about marriage for years, and that this would be a very bad time to mention any of this to Carrie. Samantha breezes into the room and says she couldn't get Carrie out of her expensive honeymoon - so instead she booked the three of them to join her in the luxury Mexican villa. Olé!
The gigolas arrive in Mexico and confuse the resort's staff, who thought the reservation was for a honeymooning couple. Carrie retreats to the nearest bathroom to stare at her sad, bloodshot eyes, then splashes water on her face. The other three gasp in horror when they discover rose petals in the shape of a heart atop the bed in the master suite. After a quick sweep of the petals, Carrie lumbers into the room, collapses onto the bed, and orders someone to close the shutters.
After sleeping in the darkened room for the next two days, Carrie finally emerges as the gals are eating breakfast on the patio. Later, the four lounge in the sun and read magazines...and Samantha is aghast at the crotch bushiness bursting through Miranda's swimsuit. Miranda points out that she didn't know she'd be wearing a swimsuit, then says married working women have a set of priorities that doesn't involve regular waxing. Or a razor. Samantha quips that she could be on death row and "not have that situation" and Miranda gets all defensively bitchy and interprets this to mean that Samantha is blaming her for Steve's adultery. After she huffily storms off, Carrie suggests they all go out to dinner tonight 'cause she needs something to jolt her out of her Mexi-coma, and Samantha praises her for feeling cheered up enough to be able to make a cute word play.
At dinner, a glum Carrie self-piteously asks, "Will I ever laugh again?" and Miranda assures her she will when something is really really funny. Carrie recounts her disastrous wedding day, in particular how Big was unable to get out of the car, then chides herself for "throwing it all way" (it remains unclear exactly what it is) just so she could put his name on the honeymoon suite. Samantha changes the subject to herself and says she can't believe that her life currently revolves around a man, then complains about how Smith bought her the gaudily bejeweled flower ring that she had wanted to buy for herself. After that, the four mock a couple who's enjoying their honeymoon by brazenly tonguing each other at a nearby table.
During another lounging session in the sun, Miranda tells Carrie that the people who bought her apartment are willing to sell it back to her for an insanely inflated price. Sounds like a stupid financial decision, but it's Carrie, so..
After a workout and shower at the resort's gym, Charlotte heads back to the villa. As she walks, her stomach starts to make rumbling noises...and she clutches her abdomen and picks up the pace. When she finds the doors to the villa locked, the gigolas tell her that the housekeeper is inside vacuuming. Charlotte stares into space with a look of horror on her face when it's clear that she's unable to keep from taking a dump in her pants. The gigolas, including Carrie, laugh uncontrollably at the spectacle...which, I guess, means Miranda was right: Carrie would learn to laugh again when something was really really funny. Like pants pooping. Which, in the SATC universe, is really really funny.
Later, Carrie mopes on the beach by herself. She pulls out her cell phone and listens to a voicemail from Big saying he needs to talk to her, and she responds by angrily throwing the phone into the ocean...and that's the end of her iconic pink bejeweled phone.
Post honeymoon trip, Carrie stares with dismay at all the boxes stacked up in her apartment then decides, "Why not needlessly blow money on hiring an assistant to perform tasks that I could just as easily do myself?"
Carrie interviews various candidates who are woefully unsuited to be her assistant: a vapid blonde who panics when she suspects that non non-fat milk is in her coffee, an older woman who showed up to the interview visibly drunk, and an Asian man who favors pink pumps. Eventually she stumbles upon a normal candidate who originally hails from St. Louis - hooray, it's Jennifer Hudson...the only likable cast member in this shittastic movie! - and she has a degree in computer science and superb organizational skills. When Carrie asks her how she can afford the designer purse she's toting around, Jennifer tells her it's a rental from 'Bag, Borrow, Steal': the Netflix of purse rentals. Carrie's all, "Wuh? How can I not know about this?!" and Jennifer grins and retorts, "Stick with me. I'll hook you up." Carrie wisely hires her on the spot.
Jennifer Hudson hits the ground running as Carrie's superfluous assistant by answering phone calls, unpacking her many boxes, and returning the small mountain of wedding gifts. Carrie tiptoes around her and quietly goes about her business in the background.
Miranda drags Magda and Brady around lower Manhattan as she hunts for an apartment in Old Ukraine-ia. Ho hum.
Carrie looks after Lily so that Charlotte can go to her doctor's appointment. Carrie reads Lily Cinderella, then warns her that life doesn't always have a happily-ever-after ending on account of so many men in the world are shitwads...and Lily's like, "Yeah, whatever. Read it to me again!" LOL. A few seconds later, a beaming Charlotte returns home after her appointment and tells Carrie that, against all odds, she is pregnant.
Samantha complains to Smith about how she has no connection to their life in L.A., and Smith says it prolly has something to do with the way she jets off to New York every chance she gets. Samantha poutishly says she's starting to resent being his manager, 'cause everything's always about him - and not her. The way she prefers.
Jennifer Hudson is going through Carrie's emails and sprucing up her website: carriebradshaw.com (no longer a URL - I checked). Jennifer asks about the emails from a certain Mr. Big...and Carrie contorts her face into a stricken expression and asks Jennifer if she would please redirect his emails to a cyberspace place she never has to visit 'cause she wants to permanently end all communication with the douchefuck. Jennifer clucks disapprovingly, but dutifully redirects his messages to a password protected folder.
Carrie and Miranda are out shopping for Halloween stuff when Carrie spots the Vogue issue that features her bridal couture spread. Miranda grabs a copy and reads aloud the footnote to the article, which states, "Bradshaw is still an unmarried single loser, still living in New York City". Carrie buys a copy of the magazine with the logic that there will be one less in circulation...then rushes home, her eyes darting around in paranoid fashion as if any New Yorker, in or out of her immediate orbit, could possibly give a rat's ass about her current marital status. She then flatters her self-importance further and goes "incognito" by getting her rat's nest dyed a mousy brown.
Jennifer Hudson meets Carrie at a coffee shop, is startled by how unnoticeable she is in her shitty looking new 'do, and gives her her new cell phone that has area code 347. Carrie makes a weird deal about the new area code and snarks about how she's always been a 917 gal, and Jennifer tells her to buck up 'cause 917 no longer available.
An intrigued Samantha watches Dante sexily canoodle on the beach with yet another floozy, pulling off her bikini top in the process.
Samantha distracts herself from Dante's doinkfests by mindlessly shopping. She sees a little dog for sale...and is so charmed by his constant need to masturbate (despite being fixed) that she decides on the spot to become a pet owner.
Jennifer Hudson asks Carrie if she should get rid of the Vivienne Westwood monstrosity - but Carrie says the gown is far too beautiful to discard. She moans about missing Big every day, but that since she used up all of her tears on the fucktard, she's no longer able to cry about his jilting of her at the altar. When Jennifer tells her that she too is broken-hearted over an ex-boyfriend, Carrie decides that they need a cocktail...and the two head over to the nearest bar to bond over their loneliness.
Carrie decides, "Why not needlessly blow money on redecorating my apartment?" and takes Charlotte along when she goes desk shopping. She tells Charlotte that Harry called to report that she (Charlotte) has abandoned her running routine ever since becoming pregnant, and that he's concerned. Charlotte says she's afraid to run 'cause she's sure that something bad will happen, then reminds Carrie that it's a miracle she's even pregnant. She tears up and wails, "No one gets everything they want!" so Carrie reminds her that she shit her pants in Mexico...and that that is sure to cover all things bad in her life for the foreseeable future.
Charlotte brings her dog brood to Central Park and slowly breaks into a run...and once winter arrives, she's back to being in full-on jog mode. Fantastic.
Jennifer Hudson is finishing up going through a stack of Carrie's mail before she heads home to St. Louis for the holidays. She gives Carrie her Christmas gift - the DVD of Meet Me in St. Louis - and in exchange Carrie gives her a big Louis Vuitton box that contains her very own designer purse...and Jennifer Hudson squeals really loud with pure, unadulterated joy.
New Year's Eve! Carrie is passing the evening eating a cup of noodles while watching Meet Me in St. Louis. Downtown, Miranda gets Brady ready to spend the holiday with Steve...and when Steve arrives to pick him up, he and Miranda exchange awkward chit-chat. Ho hum.
Later, Miranda calls Carrie (who went to bed hours ago) to moan about how lonely she is...so Carrie puts on a tacky fur coat over her pajamas to dash out into the cold, hop on a subway, and arrives at Miranda's just as the clock strikes midnight. We also get a montage of Samantha and Smith celebrating the New Year in front of a cozy looking fire, Jennifer Hudson at a party and staring longingly at her ex-boyfriend, and Charlotte and Harry enjoying a night in with Lily.
Fashion week! The gigolas somehow get front row tickets to a fashion show and natter about the various relationship dysfunctions going on in their lives. Charlotte tells Carrie that if she ever runs into Big, she has the perfect zinger: I curse the day you were born! Carrie pretends to look impressed, but advises her to think up a hand gesture to go along with that. After the show, an animal rights protestor throws red paint on Samantha's white fur coat and chants, "Mur-der!" and Samantha tears up and says, "God I miss New York!" Har har.
Carrie meets up with Miranda for a Valentine's Day dinner in a restaurant that has an insane amount of balloons and streamers hanging from the ceiling. Carrie laments having done the Vogue shoot and is just noticing that throughout her interview for the magazine, she made the wedding all about herself - not her and Big - and now realizes that her self-absorption is the likeliest reason he didn't want to get out of the limo on their wedding day. Well duh. Miranda's like, "Uh, about that.." and finally confesses what she blurted out to Big during the rehearsal dinner party...and Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?!", abandons the theory she just formulated a minute ago, and blasts Miranda for ruining her marriage. Before she bitchily storms off, she tells Miranda she's been secretly thinking what a UGE mistake it was for her to separate from Steve 'cause of one extramarital doink, then barks, "There! How does it feel?!"
Samantha has spent Valentine's Day making sushi, and is now laying atop the kitchen table with sushi covering her naughty parts as she awaits Smith's arrival. A few seconds later, the phone rings...and it's Smith, telling her that filming is running late. Forty minutes later, Samantha gives up on her sushi sex romp and climbs off the table, leaving a trail of sushi behind her as she rushes over to the window so she can spy on Dante getting it on with two buxom women. For some reason, her voyeurism makes her hungry, and it's about this point in the movie that she starts snacking excessively while watching Dante.
When Smith arrives home, three hours late, Samantha snappishly tells him how hard she slaved away all day to make sushi for him. He shrugs and says it can't possibly be that big of a deal...and Samantha retorts by throwing a plateful of sushi at him and shrieking, "I am not the type of woman who sits home all day waiting for a man!" After she storms off, Smith pulls a heart shaped gift from his bag and stares despondently into space.
After three days of Carrie avoiding her phone calls, Miranda stubbornly camps out in front of her townhouse in a cab. When Carrie finally makes an appearance, Miranda urges her to get into the cab, apologizes for the whole Big mess, and implores her to forgive her. Carrie points out that she should probably follow her own advice and give Steve the chance to apologize for cheating on her. Miranda mulls that over...and in the next scene she and Steve are in couples' counseling.
Steve tells Miranda that the cunty way with which she regularly treats him makes it hard for him to trust her, and that he worries that she'll punish him for his infidelity for the rest of his life. The therapist suggests that they consider risking Miranda's never ending wrath for the sake of their family, and somehow find a way to move past it so that viewers won't have to watch them revisit their boring marital problems in the movie's sequel.
Miranda tells Carrie that the therapist ordered her and Steve to spend a couple of weeks apart in order to think over if they truly want to resume their marriage...and if the answer is yes, they'll meet at a mutually agreed upon time and place: the Brooklyn Bridge on a sunny afternoon.
Jennifer Hudson informs Carrie that the swanky penthouse Big bought for them has been sold...and in other more important news, she's suddenly engaged to her former ex-boyfriend. She excitedly says she's moving back to St. Louis and getting married in the fall. Hooray!
On Decision Day, Miranda takes a final look at her pros/cons list to help her decide whether or not she'll reconcile with Steve. She takes a last sip of whatever she's drinking, gets a foam mustache, then grins at herself in a nearby mirror. She heads over to the Brooklyn Bridge, and looks relieved and happy when she sees Steve bounding toward her. The two hug, kiss...then later enjoy an evening of hot, sweaty sex.
Samantha ambles on the beach with her dog, looking sad and dissatisfied with her aimless L.A. life. The dog runs up the stairs of Dante's beach house, and Samantha cries, "That's not our house!" and chases after him and - [no] surprise! - walks in on a naked Dante taking an outdoor shower. The camera zooms in on his taut hairless body as he leisurely rinses and lathers...and when he notices Samantha ogling him, he shoots her a vapid come hither look and invites her to join him. Samantha reluctantly declines, then picks up her pooch and beats a hasty retreat.
Carrie throws Charlotte a baby shower in her newly redecorated apartment - and Samantha flies to New York for the occasion with her pooch and faux stomach paunch. When Anthony and the gals are all, "Whaddup with the spare tire?" Samantha explains that she's been stuffing her face while watching Dante's sexcapades - a noble alternative to doinking him behind Smith's back. She admits that she hasn't felt happy in her relationship for the last six months...and when she returns to L.A. she informs a bummed Smith that she's leaving him to refocus 100% of her energy back onto herself.
Jennifer Hudson wraps up her superfluous job as Carrie's assistant and tells her where all her files are, etc. Carrie shakes her head sadly and squeaks, "You brought me back to life." The two hug goodbye, and Jennifer leaves her with her love key chain in the hopes that Carrie too will one day find love.
A very pregnant Charlotte takes a break from shopping to go out for lunch...and as soon as she's seated, she spots Big across the restaurant. She becomes so upset that she gathers her shopping bags and prepares to flee - but Big spots her and and follows her outside. She yells at him for breaking Carrie's heart and delivers her zinger - "I curse the day you were born!" - then promptly goes into labor after her water breaks on the sidewalk. Big quickly ushers her over to his town car and rushes her to the hospital.
Carrie arrives at the hospital to congratulate Charlotte and Harry and meet baby Rose. Harry tells her there was plenty o' drama surrounding Charlotte's water-breaking 'cause of Big's involvement...and that he hung around the hospital for hours, no doubt waiting for Carrie to show up. When Carrie feigns disinterest, Harry tells her that Big told him he's been writing love letters to her, but she never responds. Carrie scrunches her horsey face in confusion and says he's never a love letter to her ever.
Carrie searches through her mail packets and goes online, searching for Big's alleged love letters...then gets a clue when she sees the online folder that Jennifer Hudson created. It's password protected...and after leaving a message for Jennifer and trying various passwords, she notices the love keychain that Jennifer Hudson left for her - and voila! - love ends up being the password. Inside the folder is a long list of emails from Big, where he plagiarized from Love Letters of Great Men. That seems lame and unimaginative. The last email on the list is a message that states: I know I screwed it up. But I will love you forever. Ugggghhh. Jennifer Hudson returns Carrie's phone call and reminds her that today is final day that she and Big have possession of the Fifth Avenue penthouse, which means it's her last opportunity to fetch the over-priced blue stilettos she left in the mammoth closet and, for some reason, never thought to retrieve earlier. Carrie ends the call and rushes off.
Carrie races to the penthouse and into the closet - and we see that Big is there, holding the blue shoes. He says he was going to return them to her...and Carrie dramatically drops everything she's holding and runs into his arms. The two smooch, then end up rolling around on the floor together (?) where they pontificate the abysmal communication in their dysfunctional rollercoaster of a shittastic relationship. She remarks on how happy they had been before deciding to live happily-ever-after, and Big regrets the complete absence of romance in their decision to get married. He props himself onto one knee, calls her the love of his life, and asks her to marry him. She nods...and to seal the deal, he puts one of the blue stilettos on her foot.
Wedding Day: Take 2. Carrie dons her boring jacket/skirt combo and weds Big at City Hall. As they walk out, she gushes to him about how perfect it was, 'cause it was "just you and me". When Big opens the exit door, the three gigolas are there to surprise Carrie...and they all shriek happily and fall into a group hug. Afterwards, they all go out for a casual post-wedding meal (with their plus ones, plus Anthony and Stanford), and it looks like everyone is having a marvelous time.
The movie wraps up with Carrie doing a book reading at Barnes & Noble, gabbling about her and Big's failed library wedding...and I can't help but wonder how a private guy like Big feels about his personal life being the central fodder of Carrie's frothy books. After that, the gigolas go out on the town to celebrate Samantha's fiftieth birthday, then toast, "To us and the next fifty!" Carrie voice-overs about friends and life some more...blah blah blah...and we see the next generation of skankily clad women tottering on stilettos as they go club hopping.
Phew! Brace yourselves for the needless sequel.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!