Recap: The Sex and the City gals are out at a club, watching Nathan Lane sing and play piano. During a short break, he gives a nauseating shoutout to his "celebrity friend", little Miss Carrie Bradshaw - blech - then starts belting out Is That All There Is? In the next scene, Nathan Lane comes over to where the gals are sitting and introduces them to his lady friend, Bitsy Von Muffling, who starts gushing about how madly in love she is and is looking forward to her big Hamptons wedding. When Samantha asks her who the lucky stud is, Nathan Lane proudly says, "Me" and Carrie starts laughing uncontrollably while he stares at her in quiet dismay. When she finally realizes he wasn't kidding, she pries her foot out of her mouth and squeaks, "You're getting married?" and he's like, "Yep" and says he finally found the right beard - I mean girl. After he and Bitsy saunter off, the gals exchange WTF? glances and cackle about how Nathan Lane is the equivalent of ten gay men...and Carrie declares, "This wedding will never happen."
The next morning at breakfast, Carrie has to concede, "It's happening" and Samantha holds up the wedding invitation and confirms that the Hamptons venue has been booked, which means they're now going to have to figure out how to best mooch their way into staying at someone's Hamptons house. Samantha chides herself for dumping Richard five episodes ago 'cause he's the owner of a fantastic Hamptons house, while Miranda snarks that Bitsy should just come out and admit that she's marrying a gay man purely for the companionship. Charlotte wonders if Nathan Lane and Bitsy are even having sex, and Samantha says it doesn't much matter, since all married couples stop having sex eventually. Carrie questions how a couple can possibly maintain a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu, aka that excited feeling of butterflies in your gut whenever you gaze upon your beloved. And speaking of zsa zsa zsu, Charlotte confesses to the gigolas that she's been seeing someone who's bald, short, and talks with his mouth full. She even hates his name - Harry - on account of he's hairy everywhere but on his head. Samantha makes an eww face and asks her if the sex is bad too, but Charlotte gets a dreamy expression on her face and says, "It's the best sex of my life" and looks slightly alarmed as she admits, "I think I might really like him."
Charlotte and Harry are in bed together, munching on pizza. Harry announces that he's been invited to Bitsy Von Muffling's Hamptons wedding 'cause apparently they became friends while he handled her divorce. Charlotte tries to pretend as if she can't possibly go 'cause she's not swimsuit ready for a Hamptons weekend - but when Harry presses her for a more believable excuse, she admits she's too embarrassed by his hairy back and urges him to get it waxed. Harry promises to get it waxed if she attends the wedding with him...and the two start going at it.
Carrie taps out her column, pondering the notion of people making a relationship work until death do them part, then decides it might actually be a good strategy to marry a gay/platonic friend. She taps out when it comes to saying 'I do', is a relationship a relationship without the zsa zsa zsu? then stares contemplatively into space as if the only two options that exist for marriage are a) a sexless friendship, or b) a passionate, but doomed-to-fail union.
Samantha leaves Richard a phone message which belatedly declares that their icky relationship needs an official settlement, aka a weekend at his home in the Hamptons. She smugly adds that he's not invited, then chirps, "It's Samantha! Call me!" It remains unclear why Richard didn't just hit the delete button when he received this message instead of graciously agreeing to loan out his luxury Hamptons pad.
Miranda arrives home and finds Steve napping in her bedroom while little Brady snoozes in his crib. She notices sweet smelling lilac on her night stand and asks Steve if Magda put it there, and he tells her he got it from a garden in Queens. The two gaze over at each other for a few seconds, then start going at it in earnest.
While at a rest stop en route to the Hamptons, Miranda tells Carrie she slept with Steve...and regrets it 'cause they're now in "a grey area" - and that prior to the doink, not having sex was the only thing that held their relationship together. Samantha gets off her cell and excitedly tells Miranda and Carrie that her party at Casa Wright is going to be amaaaazing: strictly A-list. She then frowns at Brady, who's sitting on Miranda's lap, and bitchily decrees that "shitty pants" will be barred from attending her party. A few seconds later, a man who looks like he doesn't have the minimum level of skill to be riding on a motorcycle rides up on a motorcycle. When he takes off his helmet, Carrie is pleasantly surprised to see that it's Jack Berger. As the two engage in their usual annoying flirty banter...blah blah...she invites him to Samantha's party at Casa Wright, and he says he's familiar with the lavish house and promises to drop by.
Over at Casa Wright, Samantha is directing various deliverymen to the pool area to set up tables and chairs when three busty young women arrive. When Samantha assumes they're part of the wait staff, they explain that they're part of Richard's harem of vapid tarts who have standing permission to hang by the pool whenever. Samantha haughtily says they can't pool-hang today 'cause she's having a big party at 3pm, but one of them assures her they'll be "fried" by 3pm...and then the three scamper inside to change into their bikinis.
Party time! Samantha scowls when she sees that Miranda defied her bitchy rule and brought Brady to the party...though I'm not sure what she expected Miranda to do with the tot for an entire afternoon. She haughtily snaps, "This is supposed to be an A-list party!" and Carrie's like, "Then whassup with the double Ds by the pool?" and points at the three tarts who are prancing around in skimpy bikinis and being salivated over. Samantha tells them they're freeloaders Richard lets use his pool on weekends, then complains that they refuse to leave. A few seconds later, the tarts strip off their bikini tops so that viewers can get a very long, gratuitous clip of their silicone hooters.
Charlotte glares at the topless tarts and snarks, "That's so inappropriate!" and Harry jokes, "Greetings from Silicone Valley" then adds, "Everyone can see those tits are fake." Charlotte chides his crude language, then orders him to take off his ugly tropical/tiki shirt. He agrees, but then she gets icked out even more when she sees that his back has ugly red welts from his recent waxing.
Bitsy tells Carrie that sex with Nathan Lane is fantastic...then for good measure gives him an intense smooch. Stanford stares at the kissing couple with his face scrunched confusedly...and then scrunches it even more confusedly when Nathan Lane looks awed by Marcus's hot dancer's body and mimes grating cheese with his abs. After Nathan Lane saunters off, Carrie and Stanford chuckle about how absolutely, positively, undeniably gay the man is...and how ridiculous it is that he's marrying Bitsy. Marcus shrugs disinterestedly, as if to remind them it's really none of their business, and suggests, "Maybe he just makes her laugh."
Charlotte snipes at Harry for not putting his shirt back on and for walking around with sauce all over his face. He reacts by giving her a messy smooch, which surprisingly makes her giggle with delight.
Samantha asks Carrie if she thinks Richard doinked one or more of the topless tarts, and Carrie keeps a straight face and says she's sure they're just good friends. She then spots Jack Berger milling around, so she gives her fugly 'do a quick primping and sashays over to greet him.
Carrie and Jack find a quiet area on the front lawn and chat about their most recent breakups. Carrie prattles on for an uncomfortable amount of time about her Season 4 breakup with Aidan...and a few minutes in, Jack begins staring over at his motorcycle longingly. When Carrie concludes her bizarre rant by screeching about how many failed relationships a person is expected to survive, Jack's like, "OK then. I'll be going now" and flees to his motorcycle. Eventually he manages to get the thing running and hightails it out of there while Carrie stares after him looking a mixture of bewildered and mortified. Haha!
Samantha snaps at the tarts for eating so much of her food, then mocks their fake hooters which Richard, no doubt, paid for. When one of them accuses her of being jealous, Samantha picks up two melons, holds them in front of her chest, and snappishly says she's just dyyyyyyyying to have hooters this big and fake. One of the girls snidely retorts that if her hooters were the size of melons she'd probably still be with Richard...and for some reason this irks Samantha enough to throw a melon at her head - but when she ducks, the melon shatters the window she was standing in front of.
The following morning, Carrie and Miranda enjoy a yummy breakfast and commiserate over their self-inflicted man problems. Carrie kicks herself for revealing too much of her neuroses to Jack too soon, but says in her defence the zsa zsa zsu made her squirrelly. When Stanford ambles by for some coffee, Carrie tells him how envious she is of his perfect relationship with Marcus...and he grimly tells her she shouldn't be 'cause he and Marcus haven't had sex in a very long time. Carrie squeals with delight and shrieks, "Thank God! I am so relieved!"
Wedding! Nathan Lane and Bitsy exchange vows while the gigolas (along with Harry) make bitchy wise-cracks. Carrie voice-overs that she can't help but wonder if they're being much too cynical...and to that I would say probably - but that you're for sure being much too badly behaved at this very elegant Hamptons wedding.
At the reception, Harry sees Charlotte from across the dance floor and motions for her to join him on the dance floor. He then comes over and tells her there's nothing on his face, and that his red, waxed back is covered by his well tailored suit...then holds out his hand. She chuckles and agrees and joins him on the dance floor. Carrie, meanwhile, remarks to Miranda what a beautiful night it is, then ambles off to get herself another piece of cake...and Miranda spots some lilac on the table and cooingly asks Brady if they should call daddy to tell him they miss him. She pulls out her cell phone and dials Steve's number, but when his voicemail kicks in, she loses her nerve and hangs up.
Nathan Lane gabbles to Carrie about the journey of life and love...blah blah...then looks over at Bitsy and softly says, "There's my girl." He reminds Carrie about how he just followed through with the ceremony "in case you had any money riding on it" ... and Carrie pretends as though she hasn't spent the entire episode laughing at him behind his back with her girlfriends about his "non gay" wedding and solemnly replies, "Not a penny."
Samantha admits to Miranda that she might have gone a little nuts when she threw the melon through the window, and that it's probably due to zsa zsa zsu going bad, which Miranda jokes is known as zsa zsa eww.
Jack makes an unexpected appearance at the reception and explains to Carrie that technically he's not crashing the party 'cause for some reason the groom invited him when they ran into each other in town earlier. Ugh. Blech. Fine. Let's get this fleeting Berger romance over with so we can get on with Season 6's main event: the Baryshnikov Affair.
Over on the dance floor, Charlotte tells Harry she's falling in love with him, and he says he's been in love with her since the moment they met, but that - surprise! - this fling can't possibly go anywhere 'cause he's a Jewish man who's committed himself to marrying a Jewish woman. &^%$#@!!! Charlotte's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" but Harry brushes it off for now and urges her to focus on their dance until they can further explore the issue in Season 6.
Jack tells Carrie she's very quiet tonight, and she wryly says she's determined to stay that way. He chuckles and admits that, yep, when she was rambling like a crazy person earlier, he wasn't sure he was up to all that again - but has since changed his mind and suggests they at least go on a date before he dumps her via a post-it [spoiler]. Elsewhere on the dance floor, Samantha is boogying with Miranda and Brady as Carrie voice-overs that while some people settle for passionless marriages, others refuse to settle for anything other than excited butterflies in their gut. Despite having zero on-screen chemistry.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!