Recap: Carrie and Misha have been spending their evenings exploring various ethnic restaurants all over New York City...and we get a bunch of clips of them enjoying dinner in Italy (the Bronx) and Greece (Astoria). When he arrives at her brownstone for another evening of faux world travel, Carrie flounces down the front steps decked out in a stupid looking, long white ruffle skirt and chirps, "Where to tonight?" He says they'll be spending the evening in a mysterious place he's never been to before, then lifts up the grocery bags he brought along and says he'd like to cook dinner for them in her apartment. Carrie stares quizzically into space before slowly following him up the front steps.
In the next scene, the two are sitting on the floor in front of her coffee table, eating risotto. She sheepishly apologizes for the general shittiness of her apartment - but he tells her to stop, calls it "warm and lovely", and that it's "so you". He suggests they cap off their home cooked dinner with an espresso, but she tells him she doesn't have an espresso machine...and as they banter about how it's possible for a raunch writer to not own an espresso machine, a mouse suddenly scurries across her kitchen counter. Misha picks up a frying pan and flattens the rodent, then calmly suggests they go out for coffee...and Carrie cringes at the jarring rodent murder she just witnessed, then nods and agrees that, yep, they should probably go out for some coffee.
The gigolas are keeping Samantha company in the hospital, sucking popsicles, as she undergoes her round of chemo. Samantha notices the way Miranda is enthusiastically sucking her popsicle and cackles, "Steve is one lucky guy!" A nurse comes by and remarks on what a great time they're all having, and Samantha breezily retorts, "Cancer is hilarious!" then adds that she's going to Smith's upcoming movie premiere and plans to kick cancer's ass and that of the red carpet.
Carrie and Misha are out shopping for an espresso machine when Carrie tells him about Samantha's breast cancer - then hastily says she's definitely going to be A-OK. Misha glumly says that he once had a friend with breast cancer, and that she died...and Carrie stares over at him, her horsey face contorted in an expression of perplexed irritation.
Charlotte gets a call from her IVF doctor, who tells her that none of her latest eggs were viable. Harry sadly eavesdrops as she ends the call, then stoically tells him she's off to Central Park for a run.
Miranda and Steve are lounging in her bedroom, which is stuffed with clutter to demonstrate to viewers that they've suddenly outgrown her once spacious apartment. They're looking through the real estate listings in the newspaper in search of a bigger place - and Steve reads an ad for a three bedroom home that has outdoor space and a finished basement...but when he drops the bomb that it's a house in Brooklyn, Miranda calls herself a Manhattan girl and imperiously adds, "I don't like anything not Manhattan." This from a woman who derisively cut short a blind date in Season 2 'cause the guy stubbornly refused to experience anything of the world outside of Manhattan. Steve says they can't keep living like this - and to underscore the sudden crampedness of their living situation, Fatty and Scout let the fur fly in a contrived pet-on-pet fight, forcing a glum Miranda to agree to give the house in Brooklyn a once-over.
Misha makes Carrie an espresso...and she takes one sip, declares it far too strong for her delicate taste buds, and says it needs to be tempered with a bit of milk. Misha argues that milk will only ruin it and urges her to sip more slowly. Carrie complies, then invokes his callous reaction to her telling him about Samantha's breast cancer, and accuses him of being insensitive to her feelings by bringing up the story of his friend who died. Misha's like, "Er...OK, but my friend did die" and Carrie gets exasperated, snaps, "You're doing it again!", and insists that not everyone who has breast cancer dies. She natters about how Samantha's cancer was caught early, that she's having "the Cadillac of chemo", and is going to be OK...and him bringing up his dead friend is scaring her unnecessarily. When Misha retorts by once again bringing up his dead friend (!) Carrie angrily announces she's leaving and tries to quickly finish her espresso, but burns her mouth in the process. As she flounces toward the door, she suddenly whirls around and squeals, "All I can think about is your friend!" and Misha rolls his eyes and tells her she's acting like a child, to which she retorts, "And I think you're acting like an asshole!" Fuuuuuuuuuuck off, you two. Break up already.
At 3am the following morning, Carrie is laying in bed, still stewing about her fight with Misha. My guess is that Misha is tucked in bed at his fancy loft, sleeping like a baby.
Charlotte is doing stretching exercises in Central Park when an adorable King Charles Cavalier [who - OMG! - looks sooooo much like my sweet King Charles Cavalier, Molly] bounds over to her. Charlotte pets her and coos over her extreme cuteness as her crotchety owner, Trudy Stork, barks at her to come back, using her full name - Princess Dandyridge Brandywine (yikes). Charlotte gently picks up the pooch and carries her over...and Trudy tells her that she used to enter Princess in dog shows until it was discovered that she kept losing 'cause one of her hind legs is too short. Egads! Charlotte just shrugs and says she's very cute nonetheless, then bids the dog adieu and continues on with her run.
Miranda hops into a cab and tells the driver she needs to get to Brooklyn - but he growls that he doesn't go to Brooklyn. Miranda ponders that for a few seconds, says "Neither do I", and exits the cab. Take the fucking subway, idiot. It's the cheapest, most convenient way to get around the city.
As Samantha is going down on Smith, he tugs on her hair and unwittingly pulls out a small tuft. He mutters, "Oh fuck", and an embarrassed Samantha takes the tuft from his hand and turns her attention back to his penis...which has gone flaccid in the meantime. Awkward.
Carrie and Miranda are ambling along the street when Carrie mentions that Samantha started losing her hair while she was giving Smith a blow job. Miranda glosses over the ickiness of that disturbing visual and insists that Samantha is going to be fine...and Carrie tells her that Misha thinks they're all in denial 'bout that, so she retaliated by calling him an asshole. Miranda points out that Samantha's cancer was caught early and that she'll be fine, and Carrie concurs, though points out how many times she's said that Samantha is going to be fine, but insists that it's their job as her BFFs to maintain a positive outlook. Miranda changes the subject to herself and says that Steve wants them to move to Brooklyn, then complains that cabs won't drive there. &^%$#@!! Even if it were true that New York City cab drivers were actually permitted to refuse service to Brooklyn, take the fucking subway, idiot.
Carrie stares glumly at her new espresso machine as she wonders aloud if living in reality means having to live in pain and fear. As she churns out her weekly raunch, she throws out to her readership: denial: friend or foe?
Charlotte finds Harry doing some research on his computer about adoption. He explains that it's just a backup plan to IVF...and that if they put their name on some lists and make it to the top, they'll have various choices. Charlotte nods in agreement as she stifles her sadness and heads out for another run.
Charlotte runs into Trudy Stork and her adorable brood of Cavies. She asks Trudy if it's OK for Princess Dandyridge to have some of the turkey bacon she brought along, and Trudy snidely retorts, "Whatever, it's not like she's a show dog." Charlotte scrunches her face in disapproval and snappishly says that just 'cause someone doesn't perform the way you want, doesn't mean you should give up on them. She tears up, then explains that she's such an emotional wreck 'cause her and her husband's babymaking efforts are not going well.
Samantha takes Carrie along wig shopping - and she proves to be difficult and finicky about the available choices. She explains to the sales guy that she needs a fabulous wig for an upcoming movie premiere...but when he picks out a long blonde wig named Candy, Samantha derisively says she doesn't want to don a second rate wig named after a hooker and wants to look more like herself: a well-used cougar. The sales guy says that a wig is never going to look exactly like a woman's natural hair, then tells her in a low voice that he's worked with many women who have cancer. Samantha snaps, "I don't have cancer, I have a premiere", then tears off the wig, calls it bullshit, and huffily tells Carrie they're leaving. Carrie mouths sorry to the bewildered sales guy and toddles out after her friend.
At a nearby restaurant, Samantha explains to Carrie that she's just so angry about the breast cancer storyline, losing her hair, etc. Carrie assures her it'll grow back, and that the tumor was just a blip of bad luck. Samantha argues that the cancer could come back and she could die...and when Carrie assures her she's not going anywhere, Samantha tells her to shut it and let her openly blather about what she's afraid of. Carrie contritely says, "I'm here" and Samantha decides it's probably best to just shave it all off, then sadly pronounces, "Cancer...turns out, not so hilarious."
At home, Samantha takes a razor to her head to regain some control in her life...and as she's doing that, Smith drops by to see whaddup about her not wanting to attend his movie premiere. When he appears in the doorway of the bathroom, she tries to hide the side of her newly shaven head...but the jig is quickly up when he sees hair all over the sink. Samantha admits she's shaving her head, and that this whole cancer thing is scary and awful, and there's no possible way he can relate to what she's going through. Smith tells her he really wants to be there for her...and to demonstrate, he picks up the razor and - ack! - starts buzzing off his luxurious blonde locks. When Samantha stares at him, aghast, he grins and says that when he's done "cue balling here", he's moving on to her and she looks very touched...as well she should, since she in no way deserves a man who's this loyal, kind-hearted, and smokin' hot.
Miranda, Steve, and Brady (and Scout!) are looking over the house that's up for sale in Brooklyn. Miranda is visibly unimpressed by all the stuff that isn't in proper working order and snarks that there's no way the gigolas will ever be willing to cross the bridge and visit her in in this godforsaken borough. Steve urges her to take a serious look at the house, then reminds her that they're a family now, and not everything is about her 'I don't like anything not Manhattan' horseshit. He exits the house with Brady and Scout, leaving Miranda to amble from room to room with a contemplative expression on her pointy face. The owner tentatively comes over and asks her what she thinks of the place, and she tells him she's very interested, then snarkishly says she'll need to bring in an engineer, expect a new furnace to be installed if the existing one isn't up to code, and will require a long escrow. The bewildered owner refrains from telling her to pee up a rope about her cuntily expressed demands unless they're part of a formal written offer she's planning to submit on the property.
Samantha and Smith arrive at his movie premiere, and it looks like she decided on a hot pink Lil' Kim type wig, which is a far cry tackier than the blonde Candy wig she had tried on earlier. As the two exit the limo and walk up the red carpet, the fans shriek at Smith...but he just grins at Samantha and canoodlingly steers her toward the theater. That Smith is one hopeless sap.
Trudy Stork sends a special delivery to the York-Goldenblatt residence: Princess Dandyridge Brandywine in a wicker basket! OMG - the furry cuteness! As Charlotte coos over the precious pooch, a smiling but puzzled Harry asks, "Who is that?" and Charlotte says she's a present and asks him if they can keep her. Harry says he'll agree to anything that makes her smile this much, but tells her the dog's name is too much of a mouthful and needs to be snappier...so Charlotte changes it to Elizabeth Taylor 'cause of her odd worship issues with the legendary actress.
A mouse gallops through Carrie's rat's nest of a hairdo as she's lounging on her bed...and when she realizes what just happened, she shrieks in horror and flees to her bathroom. She calls Misha, who promptly comes over to lay down some traps. He says he was surprised to hear from her after being bitchily called an asshole for no reason...so she explains how important Samantha is to her, blah blah, and that she desperately needs him to blow sunshine up her ass about how Samantha is going to be just fine, post-chemo. Misha brings up his dead friend again - bwahahahahahaha! - making Carrie growl in exasperation, but he quickly explains that he was surprised by her unexpected death and also by the amount of pain he endured...and he doesn't want her to go through what he did. Carrie says he could have just said that, then tells him she needs their relationship to be diluted "with a little bit of milk." Misha looks impressed at her wordplay and gushes, "It's clear who the writer is here" ... which, blech, Misha. Blech! I frown on anything that validates Carrie's shittastic writing abilities. He then throws her a bone and assures her that Samantha is going to be A-OK - even though it's impossible for anyone to be making that kind of assertion - and Carrie thanks him and gives him a smooch, hug, and a chemistry-free canoodle.
The gals gather for drinks to toast the end of Miranda's life as a Manhattanite. They reminisce about all the awful apartments they've had over the years...and when Miranda mulls that over and asks why in blazes they've always insisted that Manhattan is so fantastic, Carrie smugly pronounces, "Because it is." The waitress arrives with another round of drinks, and once again the four toast Miranda's impending move.
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