Recap: Kelly returns from Matt's brother's funeral in New York and tells Donna that, yep, she's still committed to sticking it out with Matt, then tries not to look too dismayed when she adds, "It's right. For now." Donna clucks sympathetically for a few seconds, then flashes her engagement ring in Kelly's face and squeals, "David proposed!" and Kelly shrieks, "OMG!" and rushes Donna over to the couch and demands to hear all the details...then is all, "Wuh?" when Donna tells her that her response to David's proposal was, "I dunno." LOL. Kelly reminds her how terrific David is, and Donna concurs and says she knows he's the one (then accept his proposal, dimwit) and the two BFFs share a happy hug.
Beneath the beach house, Dylan is helping David shovel the message I love you Donna in the sand. Dylan mentions that he's graduating from CU tomorrow - but doesn't want any of his cast mates to be at the ceremony. Not sure why he's telling David then. Steve arrives and congratulates David for finally proposing to Donna, but David says the deal isn't yet sealed 'cause Donna hasn't said yes. Steve reminds him that Janet declined his initial proposal, then breezily assures him, "Eventually they come around."
The Walsh house. Steve and Janet are bickering about the Beat situation again when a grieving Matt enters the room and awkwardly stands in the doorway. Janet expresses her condolences about his brother's untimely demise, then heads off to work. Matt mumbles to Steve that his sister-in-law is pregnant, and Steve puts his concerned face on and says it's going to be tough on that baby, not having a father. Matt ponders the father-less fate of his bio fetus while staring contemplatively into space.
Kelly has rented small office digs in the same mall as Now Wear This for her little PR company and is putting the final touches on the decor when Dylan drops by. She proudly tells him she has three clients and that she staunchly believes in each of them, and Dylan praises her for following her heart, then asks her if she ever got around to talking to Matt about whatever she was babbling about in his hotel room at the end of the previous episode. She tells him she hasn't had a chance yet. Dylan tells her that earlier, David grumbled to him about how perplexed he is that two people - meaning himself and Donna - are so clearly meant for each other, but can't quite get it together as a couple. Dylan then shoots Kelly an intense stare and adds, "Neither can I" and slouches out.
Beach house. David finds Donna on the patio, staring out at the sand message he left her...which, for some reason has been shortened and now reads I love Don. Donna assumes that a girl wrote it for her boyfriend Don, so David tells her that it's his message to her, and that someone must have wiped out the last two letters of her name sometime during the night.
The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Yoffe that she has lots of clever ideas for Nouveau, the new magazine he's planning to launch, and that she's honored by his confidence in her. A few seconds later, a short woman named Ada bursts into the newsroom and barks at Yoffe, "I want to talk Nouveau!" so Yoffe hastily explains to Janet that - surprise! - he expects her and Ada to compete with each other for the editor-in-chief job by detailing what each of them believes should be the focus for Nouveau. What a dick. Janet follows him out to the elevator and is all, "Say what? I thought you wanted me to run the new magazine" so Yoffe nonchalantly tells her that Ada works out of his New York office and helps him out with all of his acquisitions. He tells Janet to submit her ideas by the end of the week, and she just stares after him looking visibly deflated.
Ellen's apartment. Ellen gabbles at Noah about how happy she is that she finally regained custody of Caitlin. She tells him that Caitlin asked her if Noah is her boyfriend, and that she didn't know how to answer. She says she knows it's too soon to talk about a commitment considering they barely know each other [and have absolutely zero chemistry on screen], but she doesn't want Caitlin to start getting attached to him if he's not willing to stick around. Noah mulls over the idea of shackling himself to a moody sourpuss drunkard and doesn't look overly enthused by the prospect.
The Walsh house. Donna drops by to bring Janet her bridesmaid dress for Kelly's soon-to-be-cancelled wedding and finds Ryan hanging in the kitchen with Steve. How adorbs! Both Spelling kids in the same scene. Steve grumbles about the boredom of being a stay-at-home dad, then says eventually he'll have to get a job once the money starts running out. Janet arrives home from work and gripes about what a disaster her day was. She and Donna go upstairs, where Janet vents at her about how mad at herself she is for thinking she wanted a challenging journalism career, but now realizes that she hates all the long hours she has to put in at the office - time that she's not spending with Steve and Maddy. Donna asks her if it bothers her that her marriage isn't perfect, and Janet tells her it's totes unrealistic to expect any relationship to be perfect...or, in her case, anything more than a barely tolerable existence while being married to a bonehead like Steve.
Beach house. Kelly arrives home and finds Matt sitting on the patio. He glumly tells her he's been thinking about his deceased brother, his sister-in-law, and her unborn baby who no longer has a father. He wails, "Things are sooooo complicated now!"
Donna joins David as he shovels more sand to complete the I love Donna message. She gabbles to him about her image of perfection, which Janet convinced her isn't actually possible. The two reminisce about when they first met and how they've grown up together over the last ten seasons, blah blah. He tells her that his love for her hasn't changed in all the years they've known each other, and she smugly says, "I know" and declares that she wants to be totally devoted to him...then finally gives him a yes to his marriage proposal. Yippee! Let the hasty wedding planning begin!
The Walsh house. Steve tells Maddy that while he loves hanging out with her, he also misses having a career. Maddy gurgles, then mumbles, "Dada.." and Steve perks up and gives his little daughter a happy squeeze for uttering her very first word.
Casa David. Donna and David are lounging in bed together, kissing and canoodling. Kelly calls David to tell him that his sand message is the sweetest thing ever, and that it made her smile when she saw it. He tells her he's available if she ever wants to talk about what ails her...then informs her that Dylan is graduating from CU today. She mulls that over and thanks him for letting her know.
The Walsh house. A chipper Steve wakes Janet, who looks like she spent the night sleeping on the couch in her work clothes. He tells her that Maddy said dada, and that he suddenly realized how lucky he is to have gobs of money, a wife, and cute baby.
Kelly drops by Dylan's hotel room as he's getting dressed for his graduation ceremony. She asks him if she can attend, but he tells her it's a private occasion...even though, as she points out, a graduation ceremony is the least private type of occasion there is. She invites him to a celebratory dinner afterwards, he accepts, and she marvels that for once in his aimless life he actually followed through with something. She coos, "I'm soooo proud of you!"
The Beverly Beat. Janet catches Ada bantering to Yoffe about her ideas for Nouveau and irritably reminds Yoffe that their ideas reports aren't due until the end of the week. Yoffe dismissively says that he and Ada were just shootin' the shit and just happened to start talking about the magazine. A few minutes later, Janet gets a call from Steve, who's spending the day at the amusement park with Maddy and Ryan. He emails her some cute photos of the three of them, and Janet stares in wistful sadness at her computer screen.
Pier. Matt meets up with Kelly and brings her a brown bag lunch. He gabbles about his pregnant sister-in-law and says he'd like to arrange for her favorite restaurant in New York to deliver food to her apartment a couple of times a week so she doesn't have to worry about cooking. Kelly remarks that he's always taking care of the people who need him, then cites his sister-in-law and schizophrenic Lauren. Matt says he'd really love to be a father figure for the baby, since his sperm did help create the tot, but knows that she (Kelly) wouldn't dig that very much. Kelly tells him she can't ask him to limit what he wants to do in his life, and he mulls that over and says he needs to have some alone time so he can fully ponder the notion of co-parenting his bio fetus.
Casa David. David orders in a pizza and brings it to the bed, where it looks like he and Donna have been spending the entire day. They talk about their future children, blah blah, and then David says he's glad he played the field for the last three years 'cause now he realizes how lucky he is to settle for her as the one. They soon abandon the pizza and start going at it again.
Kelly arrives at Dylan's hotel all fancied up for his celebratory CU graduation dinner. She snaps, "We have a problem!" and reminds him about what a thoughtless assbag he generally is and worries that he's going to let her down. Dylan promises her that things will be different this time, and that he'll do his best to not disappoint her. Kelly stares back at him in quiet contemplation.
Kelly and Dylan spend the entire night talking...and as the sun rises, she mournfully reminds him what a decent guy Matt is. Dylan says that decency isn't a reason to marry someone, and Kelly sighs deeply and declares that she wants peace more than anything...and somehow thinks it's possible for her to find lasting peace hooking up with an addiction-prone, self-centered rogue like Slouchy.
Kelly drops by Matt's office to tell him that she thinks he should go ahead and co-parent his bio fetus, and he's all, "Wuh? What about our wedding?" and she tears up and says, "I can't marry you" and wanks him by saying she's dumping him 'cause she knows he deserves better than a bitchy floozy like herself who can't stop mooning over her ex-boyfriend. Matt asks her if Dylan put her up to this, then bitches about how he just knew that Dylan would rat him out for doinking Amy in the desert during the Spring Fever episode. Kelly kind of perks up at this perfect excuse to finally extract herself from this dull-as-fuck relationship and is all, "Wuh?" so Matt rails about how Dylan finally found a way to break them up. Kelly tells him that Dylan didn't tell her anything, then looks faux stricken and backs away from him. Matt accuses her of being unfaithful to him in her own way - but Kelly denies that, says that breaking off their engagement is the right thing to do, and gives him back his teeny tiny engagement ring.
Ellen bursts into her apartment and apologizes for being late 'cause she wasn't able to get off work any earlier. Noah is there, coloring with Caitlin, and he assures her it was no problem to pick her up from school. Caitlin happily chirps to Ellen about how much she looooves Noah, then toddles off to her room. Ellen is overwhelmed by how happy her daughter is...but Noah makes a face and says that everything is happening too quickly and that he doesn't really want to commit to her right now. Ellen takes the news surprisingly well and thanks him for being upfront with her.
Beach house. Dylan slouches onto the patio, where Kelly is glaring out at the ocean. She asks him why he didn't tell her about Matt doinking Amy during their desert weekend, and Dylan mumbles that it was none of his business. Kelly rails that he lied to her...so he points out that if he had told her, she would have broken off her engagement and been with him purely out of anger at Matt...and he didn't want that. She cries, "You kept important information from meeeee!" but Dylan insists he acted like a friend, and that she'll realize that if she thinks about it hard enough.
The Peach Pit. David thanks Dylan for agreeing to be his best man and says he'd like him and Kelly to do special readings during the wedding ceremony. Oh joy.
Beach house. Donna, Kelly, and Felice are going over the plans for the wedding. Somehow they've managed to book the church, Beverly Hilton ballroom, and put in an order for flowers and a caterer. Felice is dismayed by the quickie-ness of the wedding and asks Donna if she's preggers. Hee! When Donna assures her that she has no bun in her oven, Felice asks what she's going to do about getting a wedding gown on such short notice, and Donna says that since she's been planning for her wedding her entire life [ugh - she's probably one of those obnoxious 'I want to be a princess for a day!' brides], she has a fancy boob-baring dress all custom sewn, tailored, and ready to go.
After Dark. Donna asks Nat if he would please do her the honor of walking her down the aisle, given that Papa Martin keeled over in The Final Proof episode. Nat looks touched and says it's the nicest favor anyone has ever asked of him.
The Beverly Beat. Yoffe offers Janet the editor-in-chief job for Nouveau and praises her proposal and says he chose it 'cause it had lots of heart. Steve, who has just dropped by, hugs Janet and tells her how proud of her he is...but Janet starts crying and says that running Nouveau means she's going to have to implement her many ideas, which means years of working long hours that will keep her too busy to spend any quality time with him and Maddy. Steve stares at her blankly and says, "I thought this was what you wanted" and she sniffles, "So did I."
Casa David. Donna and David are going through the guest list for the wedding. Donna remarks that Gina and Brandon (and Brenda!) won't be able to make it...and the two decide, "Screw the no-shows, this wedding needs to happen sometime during the series finale!" and start smooching.
Beach house. Steve and Kelly reminisce about the far-longer-than-necessary duration of Beverly Hills, 90210 and marvel about how they've managed to remain friends all these years. When Dylan slouches over a few minutes later, Steve beats a hasty retreat and says he's going to drop in on Janet to give her a secret surprise. Dylan gives Kelly a canoodle and asks her if she's still mad at him, and she chides him for keeping secrets from her and says that the breaking off of her engagement to Matt is going to hurt for quite some time...and by quite some time, she means she'll be totes over it in a day or so. She says that until she's ready to start things up with him again, he's going to have to be patient with her. He promises he will be and gallantly kisses her hand.
Steve brings Janet to a decrepit looking building and tells her he's been thinking very hard about everything she's been bellyaching about for the past two episodes...and that since she has too much work and he has none, they're going to need to find some balance. He opens a door and steers her inside what looks like a huge warehouse and calls it their next publishing adventure. He excitedly tells her they can work together and bring Maddy along...and Janet thinks it over, swiftly goes over all the pros and cons in her head, and agrees to give it a shot.
Beach house. The gals are gathered together for the obligatory bachelorette party, and for some reason Mrs. Teasley (what?) and Ahn-drea (blech) are in attendance. Brandon has a brief cameo appearance via videotape, and he gabbles about what a perfect couple Donna and David make and wishes them all the best. Kelly remarks that he still looks disgustingly cute, and then everyone pigs out on popcorn and ice cream, just like the gals did in Season 1's Slumber Party episode, aka the very first time Ahn-drea felt like she had friends among the A-listers. Felice rolls her eyes disinterestedly at all the reminiscing and barks at everyone to gather 'round for the toilet paper wedding dress contest...and Donna grumbles to Kelly that this party really blows. Valerie (yay!) arrives a few seconds later carrying a big box of condoms for Donna, sees Mrs. Teasley wrapping herself in toilet paper, and wryly says, "Looks like I got here just in time." Haha!
Over at the Walsh house, the guys are over-drinking and watching Brandon's best wishes videotape and his wistful declaration about how much he misses everyone. Steve (and the rest of the guys) read aloud a poem that Steve wrote called Ode to Silver about all the women David has doinked over the years...but that in the end "it was always Donna". Blech.
Beach house. Valerie tapes a Pin the Macho on the David poster on the wall, which is a large doctored photo of a naked David with a bullseye on his crotch. She explains that the objective of the game is to shoot a toy dart gun in the direction of the poster while blindfolded and aim for the bullseye. For some reason, Janet and Kelly take this opportunity to discuss their shared intimate knowledge of Steve...and Valerie also gets in on that action. A tipsy Felice, meanwhile, shoots a toy dart right at naked Davey's bullseye...and I found her glee at that accomplishment strangely disturbing.
The Walsh house. Ryan ushers a stripper into the house, and it turns out that the she is really a he...and even though all the guys gasp and shriek, "Wha-a-a-a??!", it wasn't much of a surprise to me 'cause I could spot that Adam's apple a mile away. It's too bad they didn't get Monika Schnarre to reprise her he-she role to more effectively insult the transgender community.
Church. Felice asks for a pre-wedding moment alone with her daughter so they can light a candle for Papa Martin. Donna says it feels like he's here, watching over her. Felice gushes about how proud she is to have such an amazing, cherubic, stunningly beautiful daughter.
The Walsh house. Valerie is hanging with the men and helping David put on his cufflinks. She tells everyone she has a great job in Buffalo and is seeing a guy she's pretty sure is a keeper.
Wedding time! Erin litters the church with flower petals as she walks up the aisle, and she's followed by bridesmaids Kelly and Janet before Donna makes her grand entrance with Nat. In hindsight, I wonder if Mel would have made a more sensible choice to fill in for Papa Martin. When Donna reaches the front of the church and stands beside David, Dylan and Kelly take turns with their poetry readings. Kelly chooses the lovely poem, How do I love thee...and while she's reading, Matt ambles into the back of the church, sees Kelly flashing periodic lovey gazes at Dylan, then looks dismayed and leaves. After that, David and Donna exchange custom vows...and they get tearily emotional, blah blah, and it seems to go on for a really looooong time. When they're finally pronounced husband and wife, everyone enthusiastically claps so they can move on to the fancy wedding reception at the Beverly Hilton.
David and Donna are summoned to the dance floor to press up against each other while singers Eric Benet and Tamia sing a pretty duet. Valerie tells Kelly that Matt is outside the ballroom and wants to talk to her, and Dylan scowls in irritation at the intrusion.
Kelly finds Matt standing by the gift table and tells him she figured he'd be in New York by now. He says he was on his way to the airport, but stopped himself 'cause he thinks they gave up on their relationship too easily. He then ponders whether or not their breakup was really about his desert doink with Amy, or - more likely - her unhealthy connection to Dylan. But when he lurked around the back of the church during the ceremony and saw the longing way she eyed Dylan during her poetry reading, he realized that maybe their connection wasn't so unhealthy after all. He tells her that deep down he knows that she never loved him as completely as she loves Dylan...then applauds her for making the right choice and wishes her much happiness. The two hug, and Kelly tells him that his sister-in-law's fetus is lucky to have a bio dad like him. Bye Matt!
Noah is dancing with Donna, gabbling about how Ellen wants a commitment, and that he now thinks it might be something he's willing to do. Ugh. Seems like a big mistake. Donna urges him to go for it, and he's like, "I think I will!" and rushes out. Kelly, meanwhile, returns to the ballroom and stares across the room at Dylan...and when he stares back at her, the two grin stupidly at each other.
Later, Donna and David cut the cake and feed pieces of it to each other. Kelly makes a speech about what a great brother David turned out to be, and also how grateful she is that he turned her BFF into her sister. When Donna tosses her bouquet a few minutes later, Kelly makes the lucky catch. Dylan slouches over to admire her bouquet and ask her if she'd like to dance, then hastily says it's not a one time offer and that he can wait as long as it takes. Kelly blurts out, "I don't wanna wait!" and the two share a long smooch.
As everyone hits the dance floor, we get a slo-mo montage of the cast mates laughing and gaily frolicking together...and then a slowed down version of the Beverly Hills, 90210 theme music starts playing as everyone clumps together for one last massive group hug.
And that's a wrap for the series! Thanks to all the readers out there for hanging in there to the bitter end.
Recap: David and Donna are hanging out in his apartment, watching TV and leg wrestling on the couch. As things start to get amorous - ew - Noah enters the apartment, is all, "Ack!" at the disturbing display, apologizes for interrupting, and beats a hasty retreat. Donna tells David that Camille is returning to L.A. after being on vacation for a week and reminds him that she doesn't yet know that they've re-hooked up...and David offers to break the news to her as gently as humanly possible.
The Peach Pit. Matt is gabbling at Kelly about how much he looooves the idea of the two of them moving to Seattle. A few minutes later, Dylan slouches into the diner...and when Kelly chirps, "Hi Dylan!" he glowers at her and tells Nat he'll take his food to go. After he stalks out of the diner, Kelly tells Matt that Dylan somehow got it into his head that he wants to be with her, and that he told her this "in his own way" way. Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but Matt doesn't seem to care enough to ask her to elaborate. She tries to sound all breezy when she says that Dylan's just stirring things up...and Matt furrows his brows and says he doesn't want to continue selling her on the idea of moving to Seattle if she doesn't actually want to go. Kelly pretends she's all into the idea and chirps, "Tell me more about Seattle!"
Now Wear This. Camille tells Donna that David left her two phone messages and wonders aloud what could be so urgent...a reconciliation perhaps? Donna avoids making eye contact like the cowardly turd she is and mumbles that she hasn't the faintest clue what David could possibly want to talk to her about. She reminds Camille that he broke up with her 'cause they were having lots of problems, and Camille argues that the breakup came totally out of the blue, then theorizes that maybe David freaked out 'cause their relationship was too perfect too fast - 'cause why else would he dump her? Donna just shrugs helplessly as if she couldn't be more clueless about what could possibly be going through David's head at the moment.
The Walsh house. Steve tells Janet that Maddy got her first tooth, and Janet is bummed that she missed this little milestone in her daughter's life 'cause of all the long hours she's been putting in at the Beat. She says she's going to talk to Yoffe about scaling back on her workload.
While shopping for lingerie, Donna asks Kelly how Dylan's doing, and she says he's not talking to her anymore, calls him obnoxious, and adds that his chronically mopey attitude is perplexing. Donna points out that he's only acting that way 'cause he doesn't want her to marry Matt, then mentions that she talked to the Slouchster earlier and that he told her he was planning to surf in Point Dume all day.
AA. Noah gives the group a testimonial about how much he loooooved Donna...and that losing her made him drink. He then frowns at the irony of what he just said and adds that the reason he lost her was 'cause he drank. Ellen arrives for the meeting and looks pissy when she hears Noah's declaration of love for Donna, and quickly scampers off. Noah excuses himself to chase after her to see whassup, and Ellen tells him it's not easy for her to hear about his great love for St. Donna...so to avoid having to listen to anymore of his nauseating testimonials, she's going to start attending AA meetings elsewhere. Yes please, Ellen. Attend them far, far away.
The Beverly Beat. Steve drops by with Maddy in tow to say hey to Janet. She excitedly tells him that Yoffe just offered her a job running a new magazine he's planning to launch...and Steve looks miffed and grumbles, "So much for scaling back your workload."
Casa David. Noah calls Ellen at work to check up on her, and she apologizes for her bitchitude earlier, especially after all the nice things he's done for her. She babbles about how helpful it is to have a to-do list to keep her mind off of dashing to the nearest bar, blah blah, then tells him to call her if he ever needs to talk.
Camille returns to the boutique after her post-breakup lunch with David. She starts wailing about how they're never going to get back together...then turns to Donna and marvels about how impossible it is to hate her, 'cause even though she's "the other woman", she's just so darn sweet, angelic, and lovable. Donna admits that her newly reignited relationship with David is going to make it difficult for the two of them to continue working together and offers to buy out her share of the store, but Camille declines and says she really needs to keep herself busy so she won't spend the entire day crying over losing David. That last thing probably shouldn't have made me burst out laughing.
Kelly and Matt are driving to yet another prospective wedding venue when they catch a news report on the radio informing listeners that a dead surfer was just fished out of the water in Point Dume. Kelly's like, "Ooh noooo! Dylan told Donna he was going to be surfing in Point Dume today!" but Matt just shrugs disinterestedly and glumly says that the odds of the dead surfer being Slouchy are slim to none. At Kelly's insistence, he agrees to nix their wedding venue plans and drive over to Point Dume so they can verify that Dylan is still among the living. As soon as they arrive, Kelly gasps when she sees the paramedics loading up a wrapped up corpse into the ambulance. Matt says it's likely not Dylan, and that she'll probably see him very soon, acting like his usual moody, mopey self. Kelly crosses her fingers and stares worriedly into space.
After Dark. Donna joins David in the DJ booth to sit on his lap and canoodle. After that nauseating PDA, she heads over to the bar and gabbles at Steve about how deliriously happy she is. He says he's kinda jealous of her and David 'cause he never sees Janet anymore, then sternly orders Donna to make "together time" with David a priority, and Donna's like, "Er...OK."
Kelly has dragged Matt to the county morgue and is trying to get the morgue clerk to reveal the identity of the dead surfer. She says that if it is Dylan, he has no next of kin who'd be available to take the call, then wails that his father is in witness protection [and, last she heard, is calling himself Eddie Waitkus], and that his mother can never be reached 'cause she's communing with nature on a Hawaiian mountain. Kelly's cell phone rings and - phew! - it's Dylan calling to return her many messages. He asks whassup, and she's all, "Where are you??!!" so he tells her he hopped a train, headed up north, and is now eating a room service dinner in a fancy hotel. She tells him how relieved she is that he's OK, then declares, "I was wrong about something" and abruptly ends the call. Matt chooses not to ponder aloud what that pronouncement could possibly mean for their relationship and ushers Kelly out of the morgue.
Casa David. Noah packs up and tells David he's moving out 'cause he doesn't want to feel like a third wheel now that he and Donna are hitting the sheets again.
The Peach Pit. Dylan slouches over to where Kelly and Matt are having lunch, and Matt gets all pissy at his presence and ambles off to pay the check. Kelly tells Dylan that yesterday a surfer died at Point Dume, and she was worried sick for hours that it was him. She explains that she rushed straight to the morgue and dragged Matt along with her, and Dylan shoots her a WTF? stare and croaks, "What are you doing with your life?" then makes a blech face and goes, "Matt..?" LOL. Kelly stares back at him sheepishly, then gets up and exits the diner.
The Walsh house. Steve tells Janet he misses publishing his own newspaper and hanging out with her all day, and Janet's like, "Thanks for sharing" and rushes off to work.
Casa David. Donna comes over to hang with David, but finds him comforting a tearful Camille. David pulls Donna aside and tells her that Camille showed up unannounced and starting sobbing uncontrollably, and Donna says it's totes fine with her if he spends the evening sorting out his post-breakup mess.
Noah is at a batting cage when Ellen shows up for some banal chit-chat, and I came pretty close to hitting the fast forward button.
Beach house. Donna tells Kelly that Camille is at Casa David right now, sobbing on his sofa. She wonders if David isn't really in love with her after all, and thinks that maybe he just cares for her in a sisterly kind of way. Kelly tells her that maybe David is just trying to take things slow...then changes the subject and tells her about the dead surfer at Point Dume, and that all she could think about was the devastation of never seeing Dylan again. Donna perks up at that and squeals, "It sounds like love!" and Kelly says she now knows it is, and that she's going to have to get around to doing something about it before the end credits of the series finale start rolling.
The Walsh house. Janet tells Steve she's thought about their work conundrum and decided that she doesn't want to pass up the opportunity to head up Yoffe's new magazine. Steve grumbles that her career choice may work well for her, but that it isn't working out very well for them. I can't decide which subplot bores me more: the Steve/Janet Beat conundrum or the Noah/Ellen AA snorefest.
Now Wear This. Camille apologizes to Donna for ruining her evening with David - but insists she had to see him 'cause she really really misses him. Donna winces and says it's prolly not appropriate for her to be listening to all this bellyaching about her and David and once again suggests she buy out her share of the boutique. Camille tearfully agrees, and wanks Donna in advance for being unfailingly fair and generous about the terms of the buyout 'cause she's just so darn awesome. Donna modestly concurs, then says she's going to miss her.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Kelly drops by to invite Dylan to go for a walk with her, but he declines and then flops onto his sofa, since by this point in the series it looked like he was barely able to even sit upright anymore. He says he's not interested in hanging with her as long as she's engaged to someone else, and that he can't bring himself to be happy for her. Kelly replies, "I'm glad" and says she can't imagine losing him, then talks in riddles for a few more minutes before heading out.
After Dark. Ellen drops by the bar in the middle of the afternoon to hang with Noah. She gabbles at him about how Caitlin's bio dad is now a happily married father of two, whines that she feels like she's being held back in her life, admits that she was upset about him professing his love for Donna during AA meetings, and says her to-do lists help distract her from drinking. I'm actually intrigued that Noah finds this dull-as-fuck, whiny pill of a woman remotely interesting.
Beach house. A despondent looking Matt drops by to inform Kelly that his brother Patrick was just killed in a car accident, and that he has to fly to New York asap to attend his funeral. A shocked Kelly murmurs obligatory words of support and offers to accompany him to New York.
Casa David. Donna comes over and finds David sitting on his front steps. She blurts out, "I love you" and says it's A-OK if he only has sisterly feelings for her. David makes a face and calls that gross, so she gleefully tells him she bought new underwear while lingerie shopping with Kelly. David pulls out her high school yearbook and reads the passage he wrote to her, which includes a paragraph about his desire to one day get her to marry him. He then ushers her inside, where candles are lit everywhere. He presents her with a diamond ring, drops to one knee, and proposes. Donna tears up and whimpers, "I dunno" - LOL - then says she needs a little time to think about it. David's like, "Er, OK..?" and it's at this very awkward moment that the episode abruptly ends.
Recap: Donna runs into David at the Peach Pit and tells him she's extra busy at the boutique 'cause ever since he gave Camille the heave-ho she's been useless at work...and so she gave her the week off to recover from being dumped. David complains that Mitch is now mad at him (not sure why, exactly), which means he's not getting the Macy Gray concert tickets and backstage passes he was promised...but when Donna offers to make it up to him with dinner and a movie, he happily chirps, "Sold!"
Matt and Kelly pull into the Peach Pit parking lot and gabble excitedly about their wedding day, which has been set sometime in August. When Dylan slouches toward them, Kelly tells him to save the date so he can attend their wedding, and he mumbles that whatever day they've chosen, he'll be too busy moping around his hotel room to attend. Kelly's like, "Whatever" and steers Matt toward the diner so they can share their exciting news with the rest of the 90210 gang.
The Beverly Beat. A man named Charles Yoffe meets with Steve and Janet to offer to buy the Beat for 750K 'cause for some reason he's interested in adding a shitty tabloid to his media conglomerate. He says he'll keep Janet on the payroll during the first year for the purpose of editorial continuity, but makes it clear that there will be no position for Steve. When Steve and Janet just stare back at him blankly, he urges them to think it over and that he'll be in touch soon.
Now Wear This. Kelly remarks to Donna how happy she and David looked this morning and reminds her that he's officially back on the market...but Donna says she doesn't want to risk ruining their friendship by indulging in a rebound hookup. Felice drops by the mall to inform Donna that she's putting the house up for sale 'cause it's too big for one person and also has too many memories of Papa Martin. Donna doesn't like the thought of her childhood home being sold to another family, but Felice clearly doesn't give a rat's ass and insists that it's what she wants to do.
Ellen is in a sullen mood 'cause her mom cancelled her visit with Caitlin. She grumbles that her mom doesn't trust her, but then concedes that she really can't blame her 'cause of how often she's witnessed her falling off the wagon. Noah asks her why she continues to binge-drink...and when she's like, "I dunno", he suggests that she focus all of her energy on Caitlin and use parenthood to distract herself from giving in to temptation.
After Dark. Janet and Steve are going over all the pros and cons of selling the Beat. Steve isn't wild about the idea of being a house husband, so Janet wanks him by reminding him that his decision to turn the Beat into a sleazy tabloid made it appealing enough for that Yoffe fool to want to pay 750K for it. She likes the idea of selling it and having financial security, but tells Steve that if he has doubts about the deal while they're still in the negotiating process, they can always keep the paper. Elsewhere in the club, Dylan tells Kelly and Matt that he cleared his schedule in August so he can attend their wedding, then tosses an envelop at Matt and mumbles that it's his wedding gift to them. After he slouches off, Matt eagerly opens it and finds a bunch of open-ended plane tickets. As he's all, "Wha-a?" Kelly explains that it's a trip around the world, then recalls the trip around the world that Dylan offered her in Season 5 while he was trying to woo her away from Brandon. She scrunches her face in irritation at the between-the-lines type message she assumes he's sending with this gift.
Beach house. Donna tells David that Felice is putting Casa Martin up for sale...and that while she's happy her mom is moving on, she's sad about losing her childhood home 'cause it holds so many memories of her dad. She moans about how she'll never be able to celebrate the holidays in that house ever again...and David tries to cheer her up by suggesting they order a pizza and watch TV. Donna perks up at that and claims the remote.
The Walsh house. Steve is cooing over Maddy in the kitchen while Janet gets ready to go to work. She hands Steve a to-do list for the day, and he grumbles about feeling like he's just been castrated. She reminds him that he still has time to change his mind about selling the Beat, then heads off to work.
Beach house. The next morning, Donna and David wake up on the living room couch after a night of channel surfing and pizza noshing. David tells her he declined the DJ job in New York 'cause he got to thinking about what he'd miss most about L.A. - which, naturally, was her - and she tells him she's glad he decided to stay. He leans in to kiss her, but she pulls away and says they shouldn't hook up again without thinking it through carefully. She says she depends on him for everything and doesn't want to risk wrecking their friendship over a rebound hookup. David pretends to agree, gives her a chaste cheek kiss, and heads home.
Playground. Ellen and Noah have been granted a visit with Caitlin under the watchful eye of Ellen's mother. Ellen proudly says she hasn't had a drop of alcohol in three weeks, but her mother doesn't look at all impressed...and looks even less impressed when Noah tells her he works in a bar. Caitlin asks Noah to push her on the swing, then asks him what AA is, and he cleverly tells her it's where adults go to talk about how much they love their kids.
The Peach Pit. Kelly admonishes Dylan for giving her and Matt the gift of a trip around the world and says she thought they were past that kind of BS, especially after the way she stood by him during the pointless Jack McKay Returns From the Dead story arc. She snarks, "If it's a reminder of the good ol' days, they weren't so good." LOL. That they weren't, Kelly. That they weren't. Dylan insists that the good ol' days were awesome, then tells her to not read so much into his gift. She snaps, "Leave me alone!" and flounces out of the diner.
Casa David. Steve and Maddy get bored at home and drop by to hang with David...and Steve explains that he's experimenting with this "stay at home dad thing". He tells David that Janet wants to fix him up with someone and adds that she's a real hottie, and David perks up and goes, "Mmm? How hot?"
Beach house. Kelly urges Donna to take a leap of faith and go for it with David, and Donna says she should take her own advice and do the same with Dylan. She reminds her that she proposed to him during the Sibling Revelry episode, then warns that she'll never be truly happy with Matt until she conducts an exhaustive self-examination of her feelings for the Slouchster.
Matt is trying on wedding tuxes while chatting with Kelly. She tells him she told Dylan that they're not interested in his stinking trip around the world and are turning it down - the way she turned it down in Season 5 when she nonsensically declared, "I choose me." A weary Matt says he'd like to start over - someplace where Dylan isn't looming over their relationship all the time, then tells her he applied for a job in Seattle.
David drops by the boutique to escort Donna to her mom's house so that she can tag all the stuff she wants to keep.
Noah arrives at Ellen's mom's apartment and tells her he's supposed to meet Ellen here. The mom tells him that Ellen isn't here, then snarkishly says she's probably passed out on a street corner somewhere and lectures him about how Caitlin needs consistency and a non binge-drinker as her primary caretaker. Noah says he's on the case and rushes out to search the local dive bars.
David and Donna arrive at Casa Martin...and Donna stares sadly at the house and says she hasn't been inside since her dad keeled over in The Final Proof episode. When she summons the courage to go back in, she's surprised by the sound of laughter, and is puzzled to see that Kelly, Dylan, and Matt are all there, decorating a Christmas tree. When she's all, "Wha-at's happening?" Felice smilingly explains that David planned this surprise so that she could celebrate one last Christmas in her childhood home...even though it's April and therefore kind of lame. Steve arrives with Maddy a few minutes later, and he's wearing a beer hat that's filled with baby formula so that Maddy can just help herself whenever she's feeling hungry. It's actually not the dumbest idea Steve has ever come up with. Matt privately tells Dylan that his gift of a trip around the world is "a little obvious" and that he knows he didn't tattle to Kelly about his doink with Amy 'cause he didn't want to hurt her...and also 'cause deep down he knows that they're happy together. He smugly adds that he and Kelly will probably be moving away from L.A. soon, which should make things easier for everyone. As Matt struts off, Dylan stares after him with his brows furrowed...and I notice that his forehead is looking wrinklier than it's ever looked before.
Kelly and Matt are strolling through a park, discussing wedding venues. She chides him for not showing enough of an interest in wedding planning, and he explains that he's bummed 'cause he didn't get the Seattle job. There's a shocker. Kelly pretends to look regretful, then reminds him that she had been totes willing to move. He says, "Good. 'Cause I think we still should", and Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" and says their lives are here, and that if they move to Seattle without having a job lined up it would feel like they were running away. Matt snaps, "From Dylan?" and she pretends that her reluctance to leave L.A. has nothing at all to do with her slouchy ex-soulmate. She says that this feels like a test and that she doesn't much like being tested, and Matt's like, "Whatever. I still want to move."
Noah finds Ellen sitting in the outdoor patio of a restaurant, then asks her why she didn't meet him at her mom's place like they planned. She tells him she stopped at a store to buy a coloring book for her daughter and was fifteen minutes late getting to her mom's...and Noah sheepishly admits that by that time he was already halfway through searching all the nearby dive bars, assuming the worst. Ellen says they should probably cut the cord so that she can focus solely on Caitlin, and I couldn't be happier with that news.
Felice is delighted when her house sells quickly. She tells Donna that a family with a couple of young kids will be moving in, and that she knows it's what Papa Martin would have wanted. Donna moans about how much she misses him, and that she wishes she could talk to him about all the stuff currently going on in her life. Felice says she's welcome to talk to her about that stuff...then tells her she has the perfect fix-up for her, and that he's expecting her to dine with him at the Green Terrace this very evening! She assures Donna they're sure to hit it off immediately, but Donna looks doubtful and starts twitching nervously.
The Walsh house. Janet arrives home and finds Steve and Maddy snoozing in the master bedroom. She picks up the baby, carries her to the nursery, and tells Steve she needs some extra cuddle time after missing an entire day with her little daughter.
Restaurant. Donna is waiting for her "blind date" to arrive when she notices David talking to the hostess. As he ambles over to her table, the two suddenly realize they've been set up by their family and friends. They stare into each other's eyes longingly, then start smooching in earnest so they can get the ball rolling on their end-of-the-series quickie engagement/wedding storyline.
Kelly summons Dylan for a one-on-one near the pier. He tells her not to leave L.A. 'cause it's not going to help her forget him - but she insists that her decision to move to Seattle has absolutely nothing to do with him. Dylan reminds her about her recent marriage proposal, then says, "I want to choose again" but Kelly says it's too late and turns to leave. Dylan grabs her arm, but she pulls away and snaps, "It's too late!" then stalks off...and Dylan stares after her, his forehead looking extremely wrinkly once again.
Recap: Donna and Mitch are on a dinner date at a Japanese restaurant. She tells him she's nervous about the launch of her online store in less than twenty-four hours, and he breezily assures her that everything will be in place before the website is scheduled to go live. He presents her with a gift: an electronic day planner, in which he's scheduled two future dates with him. He tells her he's so taken with her cherubic beauty and all-around awesomeness that he'd like to date her exclusively. Donna doesn't look remotely interested in that prospect and just stares back at him blankly.
Beach house. Kelly tells Matt she just got off the phone with her dad, and he told her he's coming to town tomorrow and wants to have dinner with the two of them. Matt furrows his brows worriedly and says he's afraid that her dad won't approve of him, and Kelly reminds him that her dad is a convicted felon and total douche...whereas he is honest, faithful, and reliable. Or so he's been leading her to believe. As the two get into some light canoodling, Matt stares concernedly into space.
The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet they're missing out on prime Internet investments, and Janet says she's OK with that 'cause she thinks it's a bad idea to put their hard earned cash into risky ventures. Steve tells her that Donna is taking her store online and has brought Dylan aboard as an investor...and Janet reminds him that they have Maddy to think about. She expressly forbids him to use their money to invest in Donna's online store, and he stares glumly into space.
The model for the DonnaMartinOriginals.com photo shoot has pulled a no-show, and Donna is concerned about paying for studio time and a $1000/hour photographer for no reason. Dylan, meanwhile, is chatting with his accountant, who leers at Camille and says he's really attracted to her, shorn 'do and all. Donna paces nervously, then tells Dylan they should cut their losses and call it a day, but Dylan tells her that his accountant just had a brilliant idea: get Camille to model the clothes. Donna loves the idea, but David does not and snarks that Camille isn't a model...even though she's pretty model-like. Camille says she has no problem filling in...and when David reminds her that she's a business woman and not eye candy, she says that the situation requires her to make a business decision.
After Dark. Everyone is busily setting up the club for the grand unveiling of DonnaMartinOriginals.com. As Noah blathers about what a mega-success Donna's store is going to be, Steve stares wistfully into space. Noah says he really misses being a rich Hunter, and Steve is like, "I hear that" and says he has frequent nightmares about running short of cash. A few seconds later, Noah gets a call from Ellen, who tearfully tells him she's just been arrested and needs his help.
Beach house. Donna complains to Kelly that Mitch has synchronized their dating schedule in their electronic organizers, and Kelly points out that she always gets critical of whoever she's dating whenever it looks like David might soon go back on the market. A few seconds later, Bill Taylor calls and tells Kelly he's not coming to L.A. after all and can't have dinner with her and Matt. Is there anyone out there who didn't see that cancellation coming?
The Peach Pit. Dylan runs into Janet and mentions that Steve wired $10,000 into his account a few hours ago 'cause he also wants to invest in Donna's online store. He warns her it could be risky, and Janet breezily pretends she knows all about it....but when Dylan slouches off, she contorts her face into an angry expression.
One of Amy's hippy friends who was at the desert rave two episodes ago drops by Matt's office to get legal representation, but Matt nervously tells him he can't take on anymore clients and gives him a referral. The hippy shrugs and says it's weird that a guy who was handing out business cards at a rave is suddenly too busy to take on a new client, then says, "I'll say hi to Amy for you" on his way out. Kelly arrives just as the hippy is leaving, and she tells Matt that her dad cancelled his visit, and now feels like an idiot for getting all excited about their once-every-five-years dinner. Matt assures her it's his loss and gives her a hug, and she thanks him for never doing anything to disappoint her. She then asks, "Who's Amy?" and Matt fibs and tells her that Amy is some skank who hooked up with Dylan in the desert. Kelly rolls her eyes with faux disdain and snarks, "He's such a dog!" while Matt stares sheepishly into space.
Casa David. Ellen is searching the wanted ads for another job, but Noah tells her to put the paper away so they can talk about what just happened. Ellen explains that she got behind on her rent, which meant she had to live in her car...and when her car broke down she thought it would be a good idea to get hammered, so while she was sleeping off her bender in the back seat, a cop came by and arrested her. Not sure what the charge would have been. Is it illegal in California to drunkenly sleep inside your car? Noah urges a teary Ellen to rejoin AA and start sorting out the hot mess her life has degenerated into.
The Peach Pit. When Mitch tells Donna he wants to "beam" her his itinerary for her electronic day planner, she tells him to not do that, and that mapping out all their time together is taking the fun out of dating...which she no longer wants to do anyway. She says she'd like to keep their relationship strictly professional...and Mitch gets irked, tosses her the packet of photos from the photo shoot, and tells her to pick out the ones she wants for the website. He says he won't be coming to the launch party tonight, but promises that the website will be ready as planned. As he heads out, he warns, "I don't give up easily." Elsewhere in the diner, Kelly asks Dylan to update her on his life, particularly as it pertains to Amy, his "desert princess". As an anxious looking Matt lurks nearby and eavesdrops, Dylan tells Kelly that Amy was nice, but it wasn't meant to be. Matt then comes over, steers Kelly toward the exit, and smugly tells Dylan they're off to look at wedding venues.
The Walsh house. Steve returns home after attending an alien/UFO conference for the past couple of days and encounters an angry Janet in the kitchen. She reminds him that they agreed to not invest in Donna's online store, so Steve says he didn't invest their money, he invested his money...then explains that he has $50,000 in a trust fund that was left to him by his grandfather. Janet's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and says she's livid that this is the first she's hearing about this money, and he lamely retorts, "Uh, I forgot..?"
AA meeting. As everyone mills around the front of the building, Ellen tells Noah she's not into group mentality today and doesn't want to attend the meeting. She ambles off, leaving Noah staring after her with a troubled look on his face.
Now Wear This. Donna and Camille are looking over the photo shoot photos when David enters. He glances at the photos and calls them cheesy...and Camille looks insulted and asks him whaddup with his chronic bitchitude. She says she doesn't want to hang around a miserable sad sack, and he snaps, "Don't then!" and storms off.
AA meeting. Noah tells the group how happy he is to have them all to lean on...and a few minutes later, Ellen appears in the doorway and introduces herself, "I'm Ellen. I'm an alcoholic" and gets the collective, "Hi, Ellen" reply. Noah looks happy to see that she changed her mind...which means we get to watch this tedious relationship drag on for at least another day.
Website launch party! Matt asks Dylan why they were talking about Amy earlier, and Dylan says that Kelly brought her up - but that he lied about being the one who doinked her, and urges him to come clean with Kelly about it. Camille complains to Donna about David's moody bitchiness, and Donna says he gets in these dark moods every now and again and advises her to give him space. Dylan takes the stage and says that in thirty seconds, DonnaMartinOriginals.com will be officially launched. Yippee! After a drumroll, Steve clicks something on the official launch laptop...but when he double-clicks, a big red message that reads Access denied until Donna Martin goes on another date with Mitch Field pops up. Donna's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and rushes over to Steve to ask what this means, and he growls, "It means we're screwed" and glares angrily at the laptop.
The next day, Donna storms over to Mitch's office and asks whassup with him fucking up her website launch. Mitch smarmily explains that he deliberately froze the website as a romantic plea (the fuckety fuck is wrong with this fuckwit??), and she snaps back, "Well that's just stupid." He tells her they're perfect for each other - but she makes it clear she's not into him, and that because of his immature idiocy, the investors' money and everyone else's hard work has gone to waste. He despondently mutters, "So sue me" (finally, a case for Matt!) then says he no longer thinks life is worth living if he doesn't have her to share his life with. OMFG, writers. Donna looks unmoved, orders him to make things right, then sashays out of his office.
The Walsh house. Steve now regrets investing in Donna's online store, and Janet is all smug that none of the money he just threw out the window was her money. She tells him she's still mad about his secret trust fund and thinks it means he doesn't trust her...and then the two bicker back and forth some more, blah blah.
Now Wear This. David drops by to express his condolences to Donna about her failed website launch, and she sadly says she should have heeded his warnings...even though he was the dolt who recommended Mitch to her in the first place. As the two share a gentle canoodle, he tells her he hasn't yet patched things up with Camille...and Donna perks up at that tidbit and murmurs, "You smell goooood." A few seconds later, Dylan and Camille enter the store to excitedly announce that the online store is now fully functional, and customers have been posting online messages! Apparently, some people are dying to know if there really is a "Mitch" and a "Donna", and one woman even offers to buy two skirts if Donna agrees to kiss Mitch. OK, weirdo. Camille says they should use Mitch's unprofessional conduct to their advantage, then cackles about how people are suckers for a happy ending.
Casa David. Noah presents Ellen with a lovely bouquet of flowers and a wrapped gift...and she gives him a thank you kiss. Her joy is short lived, however, when the gift turns out to be a blank journal, which Noah says she could use to write out all the shittiness going on in her life so she can work through the AA steps toward total recovery. Ellen irritably asks him if every conversation they have has to be about being in AA, then snappishly says she can't stand the way he's always breathing down her neck. You could easily remedy that problem by no longer hanging out together.
After Dark. Kelly notices a woman hitting on Dylan, giggles about it to Matt, then asks Dylan if he's already forgotten about Amy. She asks how he and Amy met, so Matt interjects with a fake story about how Amy came to be Dylan's desert hookup...and Dylan glares at him while he's telling it, then abruptly changes the subject and tells Kelly that Donna's online store has been fixed. Kelly squeals excitedly and leaps up to go call Donna...and as soon as she's out of earshot, Matt tells Dylan he's not going to do anything that will risk losing Kelly, and that of the two of them, he'd make a better husband for her. Dylan says he underestimated him, snarks, "I'll see you around", and shuffles off.
Casa David. Ellen comes over while Noah is reading the paper on the front porch. She tells him she'd like to show him something. ^%$#@!!
The Walsh house. Janet continues to snark at Steve, and accuses him of looking for an escape hatch. Steve's like, "Well d'yuh - for us!" and explains that he's afraid every day that he won't be able to provide for her and Maddy, and that the $50,000 trust fund was a safety net to protect them from his screwups. Janet reminds the dolt that when they got married, it was "for richer for poorer" and says he no longer has to go through anything alone, including the irrational fear of them living in poverty. Steve whispers, "Thanks."
The Peach Pit. Donna gabbles at David about all the clothing orders that are being placed online...then tells him that Camille really really misses him. David says he's irked that the two of them are talking about him, and tells her to leave him alone to sort out the dysfunctional relationship. Some random woman named Sheila comes over and excitedly tells Donna she recognizes her from the photo on her online store. She says she just ordered herself some Donna Martin originals, then assumes that David is Mitch. She gushes, "Good luck!" then scampers off as mysteriously as she appeared.
Ellen gives Noah directions to a playground...and when they're parked across the street, she points out a little girl playing on the slide and says she's her six year old daughter, Caitlin. She adds that the little girl's caretaker is her mother, who's raising the child until she gets around to straightening out her life. She explains that Caitlin's father was a drunken one night stand, and that he doesn't even know he has a child. Sounds classy all around. After staring over at Caitlin for a few seconds, she orders Noah to drive away.
Casa David. Camille comes over to see whassup with David and tells him how busy she's been processing all the online orders that have been flooding in. She asks him if she's done anything to upset him, and he says she hasn't and admits that he's been acting so dickish 'cause he was looking to pick a fight. He tells her she deserves better than him...and when she tells him they'll work it out, he says, "I don't think so." She shoots him an incredulous stare and asks him if he's really dumping her like this, and he's like, "Well d'yuh. We don't belong together" and Camille tearfully flees.
Beach house. Kelly is trying on one of Jackie's wedding dresses when Dylan drops by for no reason other than to ogle her and remark that this is now the second time he's looked upon her while in a wedding gown as she prepares to marry someone who's not him. She invites him in, but he says he has to go fax some papers to his accountant. He stares at her creepishly, tells her she looks beautiful, then slouches off...and Kelly stares after him longingly until she finally closes the door.
Recap: Camille arrives at Now Wear This carrying a large package of wool that Donna ordered and kisses David hello...and Donna watches their PDA with a pouty expression on her face. After that awkwardness, the three get into a conversation about how Donna buys a lot of her boutique supplies online, and Camille gushes, "She saves a fortune on sales tax!" David looks intrigued by Donna's utilization of the World Wide Web...and even more intrigued when Donna tells him she's thinking of creating a website for her boutique: DonnaMartinOriginals.com. David tells her he knows a great web designer, then jots down the guy's contact info. After Camille ambles off to run an errand, Donna asks David if everything is OK with them, and he's like, "Yeah, sorta" and explains that he's been keeping his distance 'cause Camille tends to get jealous whenever they hang out a lot.
Beach house. Kelly asks Matt why he's been so distant lately...then assumes it's 'cause she borrowed his car and damaged it when she accidentally side-swiped another car. Matt looks relieved that she hasn't twigged onto the real reason he's been acting so guilt-ridden, and breezily tells her he's just stressed out about the usual: his failing law practice and subsequent cash shortage. Kelly assures him that somehow everything is going to work out just fine...and when it looks like he wants to confess something, she shuts him up with a smooch.
Steve, Janet, and Maddy are visiting their next door neighbors, the Gundersons. Janet has brought along her Doberman, Georgia, and explains to the Gundersons that she and Steve are dog-sitting for her parents. The Gunderson's young daughter shows off her pet rabbit Fluffy, and Georgia stares hungrily at her and lets out a few barks. The Gundersons ask Steve what he does for a living, and he unashamedly tells them that he and Janet run The Beverly Beat, and that his latest project is an exposé on celebrity nose jobs. The unimpressed Gundersons stare at them disdainfully and promptly cut the visit short.
Casa David. Noah finds Ellen slumped on the bathroom floor wailing, "I can't dooooo this!" and says she's already convinced herself that her new boss is going to hate her. Noah assures her he won't (assuming she has the sense to knock off the whining, self-piteous routine while she's at work), and that everyone has jitters when they start a new job. Ellen says she feels pressured to not let him down, and Noah promises it'll all be OK, then offers to give her a lift to the office.
The Peach Pit. Kelly tells Matt she wants to start planning their wedding, then jokes about wanting to be safely wed to him before he realizes he could do a lot better. Dylan slouches over to their table and asks whassup, and Kelly smugly tells him that they were just talking about their wedding, which will likely take place in a church. Dylan gets all fake enthusiastic and says a church is a great idea...then reminds Matt that churches have "all that religious stuff", such as confessionals. He mumbles, "I'm sure you'll be very happy" as Matt shoots him the stink-eye.
Now Wear This. David's web designer friend, Mitch , is showing Donna and Camille various website prototypes, and gabbles about online purchases, promotion, and advertising. Donna says she's concerned that a website could bring more business than she can handle, so Camille says that that's what investors are for. Donna shakes her head and sanctimoniously says if she can't/won't invest in her own company, she can't expect others to. She then turn to Mitch and primly says, "The Internet revolution will have to go on without me" and Camille scrunches her face in befuddlement.
The Walsh house. Janet tells Steve she thinks the Gundersons are obnoxious snoots - but Steve says he doesn't want to alienate them 'cause the husband, Booth, is on the board of a great private school he wants Maddy to one day attend. The two suddenly gasp in horror when Georgia trots into the kitchen with Fluffy in her mouth...and by Fluffy, I mean a stuffed rabbit toy that the props people lamely tried to pass off as the Gunderson's deceased pet. Steve and Janet are all, "OMG, Georgia! Nooooo!!"
After Dark. Matt is sitting at the bar in the middle of the day, drowning his sorrows in a glass of ice water. I'm getting the sense that he's completely thrown in the towel on even attempting to revive his defunct law practice. Camille arrives unannounced to meet with Dylan, and tells him that she (meaning Donna) has a business proposition regarding an Internet company that she (meaning Donna) is thinking of starting. Dylan tells her he'll meet her in his office shortly, then slouches over to where Matt's sitting to ask him whassup. Matt bitchily accuses Dylan of enjoying watching him squirm after he unwittingly cheated on Kelly, and grumbles that she'll leave him if she ever finds out. Dylan says he doesn't know that for sure, but then back pedals and says, "Yeah, she probably would." Matt asks what he should do, and Dylan says if he were in his shoes, he'd keep his mouth shut about doinking Amy.
Matt gets all irritable as he and Kelly visit various churches and meet with ministers. Kelly asks him whassup with his chronic grumpiness...and when he pretends it's still the stress of work and money, she snaps, "Deal with it!" and stalks off.
Now Wear This. David asks Donna what she thought of Mitch, and she tells him she's terrified of the power of the Internet. She says she likes dealing solely with in-person shoppers, and doesn't want to screw with the boutique's (implausible) success. Camille enters the store with Dylan, and he excitedly announces to Donna that he'd like to invest in her online store, and that Camille's pitch convinced him that it'd be a good investment. Donna says she's not comfortable with bringing in investors yet, so Dylan suggests they all talk it out over dinner tonight. David chides Camille for blowing off their lunch date, so she explains she was so busy persuading Dylan to shell out money for DonnaMartinOriginals.com that she lost track of time.
The Walsh house. Janet tells Steve they're going to have to 'fess up to the Gundersons about Fluffy's demise, but Steve is still freaked out and suggests they dump Georgia at the nearest dog pound. Janet tells him to chillax, and says there's no way in hell she's giving up her childhood pet just 'cause she may have eaten the neighbor's rabbit. She then reminisces about the day she and her parents picked out Georgia at a pet store when she was just a tiny pup...and suddenly an awful idea begins to hatch in Steve's tiny brain.
Restaurant. Mitch is going over all the advantages of launching an online store with Donna, Camille, David, and Dylan. Camille excitedly gushes, "This could be huge!" but David says he's suddenly not so sure it's a good idea and urges Donna to be cautious. He gets up and wanders off, and a frustrated looking Camille excuses herself to scurry after him. Dylan urges Donna to take a risk, then bids her good night and leaves her alone at the table with Mitch. Donna tells Mitch that his pitch is very effective, and that he's very persuasive...and he gazes at her all smitten-like (because of course he does, it's Donna) and asks her out to dinner. David, meanwhile, admonishes Camille for taking it upon herself to go to Dylan after Donna told her not to...and Camille says she had every right to since she owns a small piece of the store, then gets annoyed at him for always siding with Donna. Dylan slouches over to where they're standing and mumbles, "Donna is thinking about it" then continues slouching in the direction of the exit.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Kelly drops by Dylan's room in the middle of the night to ask him if anything happened with Matt when the two of them went on their dirt biking weekend. Dylan fibs and says that absolutely nothing happened...and she's like, "OK, thanks!" and leaves. LOL. That seemed like an oddly brief conversation.
The Walsh house. Steve has gone to the pet store and bought a replica of Fluffy. He tells Janet he's going to need to add some hair dye to her all white fur so that she'll have the same black spots that the late Fluffy did. Janet implores him to abandon this horrible idea and just tell the Gundersons the truth, but Steve says he'd much prefer to install this changeling rabbit in the Gunderson's yard so they'll be none the wiser about Georgia killing the original. It's really hard for me to get my brain around 1) that a writer came up with this moronic subplot, and 2) whoever was in charge gave it the green light.
Beach house. Camille drops by to apologize to Donna for going to Dylan behind her back and asking him to invest in her online store. Donna tells her that after mulling it over for the last couple of days, she's glad she took the initiative...and the two hug out any bad blood and head to work.
Dylan runs into Matt in the mall courtyard and tells him that Kelly came to see him last night to ask him if anything happened during their weekend trip. He says he told Kelly nothing, but that clearly she senses that something is very wrong. He chides Matt for walking around looking totally guilt-ridden, and warns him that sooner or later the shit is going to hit the fan once Kelly figures out the truth.
The Walsh house. When darkness falls, Steve and Janet launch Operation Replace Fluffy. The two climb the tree that borders the two properties, and Steve jumps into the Gunderson's yard. Janet hands him the cage with Fluffy 2 in it, but Steve stupidly drops it, and the bunny gets loose and starts hopping into the nearby bushes. Steve's all, "Ack!" and chases after it...and in the process gets close enough to an open window to overhear the Gundersons talking shit about him and Janet. Fluffy 2 suddenly gets agreeable and goes willingly into the rabbit hutch - but when a dog (Georgia??) starts barking, the Gundersons peer out the window concernedly. Steve leaps back over to his side of the yard, narrowly escaping being spotted.
After Dark. Donna and Mitch are hanging together at the bar. He announces, "David's next" and says that every radio station nowadays is online, so why not David Silver: Live from the After Dark? 'cause, yeah, why shouldn't he have the opportunity to make an arse of himself internationally? Donna calls Mitch a true believer...and he gazes at her flirtily and schmaltzily replies, "I have a lot to believe in." David, meanwhile, bitches at Dylan for getting all cozy with Camille - but Dylan insists that his contact with her is strictly business. Plus her shorn 'do is a major turn-off. Across the club, a distressed Ellen tells Noah she screwed up royally her first day on the job and wails, "I wasn't ready for this!" She blames Noah for pushing her too hard, then storms off. She's quite the pill, this troubled AA gal.
Beach house. Out on the patio, Matt tells Kelly that a couple of things happened in the desert last weekend, namely that he unwittingly drank punch that had been spiked with acid. Kelly snarls, "You dropped acid??" and he corrects her by saying he accidentally consumed it when he drank some punch. She absorbs that tidbit, then snaps, "What else?" and says the alleged acid story doesn't match up with his weird behavior. Matt loses his nerve about coming clean about his doink with Amy and says that this is all he's willing to confess to at this time...then bitches about how there's no winning with her, even when he tries to be honest. He angrily stalks off, and Kelly stares after him with a quizzical expression on her face.
Casa David. Noah tells Ellen that he talked to her boss, Ben, and he assured him that mixups happen all the time...and that it's cool with him if she's a little late for work this morning. Ellen snaps that she doesn't want to go back there and hates all the pressure he's putting on her. She snarls at him to stop trying to give her a normal life, a job, and trying so hard to be her boyfriend. Noah says he can't stop doing those things if they're going to be together, and she bitchily retorts, "Then I guess we're not going to be together." Noah holds up both hands and walks out of the room. Please let this be the end of their unpleasant hookup.
Dylan slouches into Matt's office to tell him that the celebration party for Donna's impending online store is about to get underway. Matt snappishly predicts that the minute he and Kelly break up, he'll probably just slip right in. Dylan mumbles, "She's yours to lose" and adds that if he does lose her, he'll have no one to blame but himself.
Now Wear This. David tells Donna he hates that Camille and the others are pressuring her to launch an online store, and Donna says she doesn't want to be the cause of problems between him and Camille. Dylan enters the store carrying a bottle of champagne...then opens it, pours some for everyone, and makes a toast. Camille gets in on that action and squeals, "Look out, America!" and Mitch assures Donna that her online store is going to do great, then leans in to give her a cheek kiss. Dylan tells a mopish looking David he should be happy for Donna, then slouches over to Camille, calls her a crazy kook, and gives her a celebratory hug. David shoots him a hateful glare.
The Walsh house. Steve tells Janet he now agrees with her that Booth Gunderson is a pompous windbag, and that he's willing to come clean about Fluffy's fate. When they arrive at the Gundersons for an Easter gathering, a small group of kids are clustered around Fluffy 2 while Booth mutters unintelligibly. Janet asks him if anything is wrong, so he explains that Fluffy died on Friday after choking on a carrot - but yet here she is, alive and well! He adds that when Fluffy died, they buried her in a nearby flower bed...and when Janet and Steve amble over to the flower bed and see the open, empty grave, they put two and two together and deduce that Georgia must have dug up Fluffy's corpse. Steve suddenly gets a brilliant idea for the next Beat headline: Easter Bunny Rises From the Grave!
The Peach Pit. Donna joins Noah at the counter and tells him about her new Internet venture. He's like, "That's nice" and tells her how bummed he is about screwing things up with Ellen...then remembers that when he was going through his binge-drinking phase, he expected Donna to save him. Eventually he realized he had to save himself, and hopes that Ellen will come to the same conclusion asap. Donna tells him he's done all he can for Ellen, and that at some point she's going to have to stop her endless complaining and sort out her life like a mature adult. Noah wails, "What if she caaaan't?" and Donna just shrugs disinterestedly and makes a half-hearted attempt to comfort him.
Casa David. Camille notices that David is mopier than usual and asks him whassup. He tells her he's annoyed at Dylan 'cause he thinks he's into her, and Camille denies that anything resembling hanky panky is going on and says she doesn't deserve this kind of accusation. She reminds him that he expects her to accept his friendship with Donna...but yet he's getting his panties in a twist about accepting her non-existent relationship with Dylan. David says she's not aware of Dylan's sordid history, including the way he overstepped with his most recent ex-girlfriend (Gina), and she snaps, "That's your problem" and heads off to bed.
The Walsh house. Kelly apologizes to Matt for acting so snarky the other night when he confessed drinking acid. She admits that she can be a harsh, judgey bitch even at the best of times...and Matt quickly forgives her and gives her a hug. She tells him she wants to put all the unpleasantness of the dirt biking/acid dropping weekend behind them, and he's like, "Sounds great!" and the two share another hug.
Recap: Donna is staying in on a Saturday night, eating ice cream and chatting with Felice over the phone. Felice tells her she should be spending her weekends “where the boys are”, then asks her how David's doing. Donna tells her he’s dating Camille...and Felice makes a blech face and asks if she’s the one with the “too short hair”, which gets a giggle out of Donna...and also me 'cause I just can't get into the messy shorn look that Josie Davis has been sporting in her role as Camille. Kelly and Matt arrive home, so Donna cuts the call short and hides behind the couch ‘cause she’s dressed in nothing more than skimpy baby doll pajamas and for once doesn't want to parade around the set half naked. Fortunately, Kelly and Matt are too busy being enamored of each other to notice Donna...and the two make a quick beeline to Kelly’s bedroom. Donna then scurries to her bedroom, and makes an eww face when she’s forced to listen to Kelly's and Matt's extra loud, contrived sounding foreplay. She turns on the radio to drown them out, but then ends up listening to David’s radio show, where the topic du jour is sexual fantasies. Camille calls in to sexily inform David that she likes getting it on in public places, and David perks up at that and calls her suggestions “totally doable”. An icked out Donna shuts off the radio, then puts a pillow over her ears to drown out the amorous squealing coming from the room next door.
The Peach Pit. Kelly tells Steve and Janet that her newest PR client is a sausage maker named Mr. Borst. He wants to create a marketing campaign that features cute tots in hot dog costumes, so Kelly invites Janet to bring Maddy to the photo studio tomorrow and says she'll be paid $500 for one hour of work. Steve is wary of Maddy getting into showbiz, but Janet likes the idea of easy money and says they can bank the dough for Maddy's college fund. Kelly runs into Dylan in the parking lot just as Matt rides over on Dylan's dirt bike after a test drive. Dylan says he’s going dirt biking in the high desert this weekend...and when Matt looks envious and says he used to go dirt biking when he was a kid and looooved it, Dylan suggests he rent himself a bike so the two of them can make a male bonding weekend out of it. Kelly says she’s wary about the two of them comparing notes about her - ew - but then decides she's good with it and tells them to have a good time.
Now Wear This. Camille giggles to Donna about her risqué call to David over the radio last night, then gets a call from David inviting her to go with him to the Santa Monica pier later. She tells him to pick her up when the boutique closes...and an eavesdropping Donna scrunches her big face with displeasure.
Photo shoot. A group of mothers are milling around the set holding their infants who are all outfitted in tiny hot dog costumes. Mr. Borst looks over each of the babies and selects Maddy to be “lead bun”, and this makes Janet burst with pride.
After Dark. A pretty brunette sitting at the bar orders a vodka martini from Noah...and he studies her for a few seconds, then pours her a glass of water and says he's seen her at AA. He offers to talk through whatever problems are driving her to drink, and she accepts his help.
Now Wear This. Camille glumly tells David she can’t go to the Santa Monica pier ‘cause they just received a large shipment of Donna Martin originals from the manufacturer...and Donna suddenly wants her to do an inventory of the fall line. David gives her a smooch, then shuts off the lights and suggests they enjoy some sexy time right here and now...'cause no sense in waiting for an appropriate time or more comfortable place to bump uglies. Camille's into it, the boutique being a quasi-public place and all, and the two strip off their clothes and hit the floor.
Noah drives Ellen home, and she calls him a lifesaver, then complains about how hard it sucks to come home to an empty apartment at the end of the day. She wistfully tells him how much she likes going to the beach, and he’s like, “Me too!” and says he used to live on a boat and loved falling asleep to the sound of the waves. He suggests they take a late night drive to Malibu, and she says she definitely likes the sound of that impulsive idea.
Donna arrives at the boutique, turns the lights on, and - ack! - sees David and Camille on the floor, enjoying some post-coital afterglow with clothing strategically draped over their naughty parts. David chuckles nervously and asks Donna how it’s going, and she turns around and shrieks, “OMG! OMG!” while dramatically covering her eyes.
The Walsh house. Steve bitches at Janet for getting behind on Beat work, but she snarks back that she’s busy doing alterations on Maddy’s hot dog costume while baking homemade cookies for the props guy at the photo studio. Steve's all, "Wha-a?" and tells her she's out of control.
As Noah walks Ellen up the sidewalk to her door, he tells her about his relationship with St. Donna...and Ellen reminds him that perfect human beings like his ex-girlfriend often find it difficult to understand weaknesses, e.g. coping with stress by getting shitfaced. She tells him she had a great time and thanks him for listening, and he responds by leaning in for a smooch. She invites him up to her apartment for a romp, and he eagerly bounds up the stairs.
Now Wear This. Donna is on all fours, scrubbing out the sex stains she's imagining that David and Camille left behind on the boutique floor. Camille sees what she's doing, gives her a funny look, and points out that there are no actual sex stains on the floor...and Donna snappishly asks her why the hell she's here right now 'cause she's not scheduled to work until 1pm. When David drops by a few seconds later, Camille tells him that Donna's being a prudish, snarky bitch...but David just clucks sympathetically and says it's a pretty traumatic thing to walk in on your ex having sex. Camille points out that Donna is overreacting ‘cause she wants him back, but David breezily tells her she’s being ridic...and Camille gets irked and accuses him of being blind to Donna's feelings for him.
Mr. Borst changes his mind about wanting babies in hot dog costumes for his marketing campaign and scraps that whole concept. Kelly breaks the news to a crushed Janet and says her client is very fickle.
The Peach Pit. Donna tells Kelly she caught David and Camille doing the nasty on the boutique floor, and Kelly says that while it's gross and uncomfortable to have sex on one's workplace floor, she has no right to get angry at David as long as she continues to keep her feelings about him a secret. Noah enters the diner and introduces Kelly and Donna to Ellen, and happily tells them they have plans to go on a picnic. Ellen compliments Kelly on her fabulous jacket, and Kelly tells her it’s a Donna Martin original, then gestures at Donna and lays it on thick about what an amaaaaazing designer she is. After Kelly flounces out, Donna looks fake modest and tells Ellen that Kelly was only gushy ‘cause they’re best friends. She asks Ellen what she does, and a shamefaced Ellen tells her she’s just a temp...then pretends that she left her purse in the car and flees the diner.
Desert. Dylan and Matt are suited in helmets and riding gear and are speeding around the high desert their dirt bikes...and we get a lot of superfluous footage of the two revving their engines and performing aerial leaps over ditches and ravines. Matt takes a tumble during one of the leaps and injures his leg...and a few seconds later, a cute blonde biker named Amy rides up, asks him if he's OK, then invites the two of them to join her and her hippy friends at their makeshift musical festival campsite.
The Peach Pit. Noah asks Donna where Ellen went off to, and she tells him she went to get her purse from the car and then never returned. She tells Noah that Ellen seems really nice, and he concurs and says he feels a real connection with her.
Desert. Matt puts an ice pack on his injured leg, then limps around the campsite. Amy asks him if he and Dylan are planning to spend the night...and when he thinks it over and says yes, she pours him a tall drink of punch, which - spoiler - we soon learn is spiked with acid. Matt drinks up, oblivious to how high and dorky looking he's about to get.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Noah finds Ellen sitting at the hotel bar with a drink in front of her. He tells her he remembered that she had once told the AA group it was her favourite place to go whenever she feels like going on a bender. Ellen tears up and tells him he should go on a picnic with “super successful Donna” instead of “Ellen, the loser typist” ... then moans about how befuddling it is that he'd be remotely interested in her after dating “a clothing big shot” like Donna...not to mention that she's clearly the most flawlessly stunning cherub who's ever walked the earth. Noah, of course, can't argue with that, but assures Ellen she's not a loser, then offers to help get her a job with a distributor friend of his. She perks up and takes him up on it.
Kelly calls Janet to inform her that Steve dropped by the photo studio to pick up Maddy’s check...and that she really really needs to come to the studio in person to see for herself what in blazes he's gotten himself involved in now.
Desert. Amy and her hippy friends are dancing around a bonfire looking visibly stoned. Matt staggers over to where Dylan is sitting, gabbles at him incoherently, then says he feels so good it’s scary. Amy sashays over and asks Matt to dance, and Matt says he doesn't dance, then giddily turns to Dylan and cackles, “It doesn’t hurt to watch!” and thanks him for inviting him along on this trip. Dylan cautions Matt to go easy on the desert juice...and just as Matt starts leaping about in a hilariously uninhibited fashion, a sultry looking woman struts over to Dylan and says hi, and he grins back and says hello.
Photo shoot. Steve is decked out in a Viking costume clutching a giant sausage with one hand...and a couple of viking-ettes are lounging at his feet and staring up at him adoringly. When the photographer takes a break from snapping the disturbing spectacle, Steve rushes over to Janet and excitedly tells her that Mr. Borst just appointed him Sausage King. Mr. Borst concurs about his sudden royal status, then compliments Steve’s Nordic good looks and says he's thinking of possibly taking his campaign national.
Now Wear This. David apologizes to Donna for bumping uglies with Camille on her boutique floor...and then the two reminisce for several minutes about the holiday dance they went to together in Season 2, when she told him how proud she was to be going with the best dancer at West Beverly. LOL. He apologizes again for the floor doink, bids her good night, and heads out...and Donna stares after him looking wistful and sad.
Desert. Matt is flailing about without a shirt on, shrieking to everyone, "I'm Matt Durning, lawyer at a rave party!" Amy 'fesses up and tells the dork she spiked his drink with acid, and he shoots her a vacant smile and replies, “I don’t do drugs”, then resumes his flailing. Dylan tells the sultry looking woman he’s about to hook up with that he and Matt are in love with the same woman, and that Matt's prolly the one she's going to marry. Sultry's like, "That's nice. Wanna come to my tent?" ... and as the two amble off together, we see that Matt is amorously smooching with Amy.
The next morning, the campsite is littered with trash and the hippies are all a-snooze in their tents. Dylan finds Matt sharing a sleeping bag with Amy...and when Dylan pokes him awake, he looks over at Amy, who's naked in the sleeping bag beside him, then stares up at Dylan with a stricken look on his face.
The Walsh house. Steve is reading the paper and wearing his viking helmet when Kelly lets herself in. She informs Steve that Mr. Borst changed his mind about the sausage campaign again and decided to scrap the whole viking theme. He's definitely one fickle sausage maker. She then tells Steve she needs to return the helmet he's currently wearing...and he reluctantly hands it over and grumbles about how difficult it's going to be to give up his two minutes of stardom.
While en route back to Los Angeles, Matt tells Dylan he doesn't remember much from the night before...just a lot of punch drinking and dorkish flailing. He glumly adds that Amy told him this morning that their hookup was no big deal.
When Matt arrives at the beach house, he tiptoes into Kelly's bedroom...and she sleepily urges him to come to bed. He climbs into bed, spoons her from behind, and says he missed her all weekend. He coos at her to go back to sleep and mutters, "Everything is fine" while staring worriedly into space.
Recap: As Maddy cries pitifully from her crib, Steve tells Janet he wants to wean her off of expecting one of them to pick her up every time she makes a fuss. He then tells her how bummed he is about his idiot brother who went from being a straight A student in high school [which I find utterly laughable, considering how hard the writers have worked to convince viewers of how stupid and buffoonish Steve's halfwit, half-brothers are] to being a college dropout. Steve and Janet enter the kitchen, where Ryan is eating, and urge him to return to Amherst College. Steve suggests he write a letter to the dean to explain the situation...which is what, exactly? Sorry I partied so hard I couldn't attend any of my classes. Please reinstate me. Ryan refuses to talk about it and stalks out of the room.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Jack tells Dylan he's been in the witness protection program for the last seven years, and describes it as "being under the thumb of a U.S. Marshal". He then recounts the Season 3 episode where he fake died, and explains that after the car exploded and Dylan was screeching either "Jaaack!" or "Daaad!" (couldn't tell which), an FBI agent pulled him into a van, drove him to an undisclosed location...and then the process of giving him a new identity began. Jack tells Dylan that Kelly called him after they tracked him to Tolleson (nice job hiding him, FBI) and that he can only stay in L.A. for a few days. Dylan glares at him hatefully and barks, "Get out!" and Jack stops babbling and silently exits the room.
Now Wear This. Kelly is gabbling to Donna and Camille about the press kits she sent to various fashion publications in advance of the boutique soiree she's planning to help promote the merchandise. Camille tells Kelly she should sweeten the deal for the press with some extra perks and favors, but Donna and Kelly insist that the Donna Martin originals are more than enough to attract them. David enters the store to excitedly announce that he has an interview with a radio station in New York. Apparently, someone found his self-piteous nattering about his women problems from the After Dark DJ booth entertaining and thought he'd be a good addition to their team. He gives Camille a quick kiss, then rushes home to pack. Camille stares after him and glumly mutters, "If he gets the job, we're finished."
Matt has finally scored a client, and it's an unfunny comedian named Stuart who was fired by a club manager after performing only one night despite being hired for a six week stint. As Matt explains the legal process and tells him it looks like a simple case of breech of contract, Stuart is nervously blurting out a series of badly delivered one-liners. Matt tries not to cringe and says, "Talent is subjective" ... though in this case it appears to not be.
Beach house. Kelly arrives home and finds Dylan waiting for her on the patio. He snarks at her for going behind his back and calling Jack...and she concedes that she may have overstepped, but urges him to go to Jack and tell him everything he's ever wanted to say, even if it's just, "Goodbye forever, ya jerk."
After Dark. A pretty young woman sitting at the bar tries to get Noah's attention so she can order a drink...and he only gives her the time of day after Ryan chirps, "Yo, Noah! Over here!" The young woman thanks Ryan, introduces herself as Sheila, and invites him to join her and her friends at their table. After she sashays off, Noah asks Ryan how things are going at Amherst College, and Ryan grimly retorts, "It's not." He says he'd be totes into getting a bartending gig, and Noah invites him to hop over the bar and begin his new career. Matt, meanwhile, tries to entertain Donna and Kelly with one of Stuart's jokes...but when it goes over like a lead balloon, Matt throws in the towel and steers Kelly over to the dance floor. David joins Donna and asks her if Camille said anything to her about his New York interview, and Donna blabs that Camille said she's worried that it's too soon for their relationship to survive being long distance. A few seconds later, Camille comes over and smooches with David...and Donna stares over at them wistfully.
Dylan goes to Jack's motel room to tell him how pissed off he is at him for letting him believe he's been dead all these years. In the middle of his rant, Jack's wife Lisa calls to say hey, and he assures her that everything's A-OK on his "business trip". Jack tells Dylan that Lisa knows he's in witness protection (otherwise it'd be too hard to explain why a U.S. Marshal keeps hanging around) but that he hasn't told her anything about his previous life, e.g. the existence of his eldest son. Dylan self-piteously snarks about being low on his list of priorities and storms out of the room.
The Walsh house. Ryan announces to Janet and Steve that he just got a job at the After Dark and that he's going to start crashing at Noah's place. Steve's all, "Wha-a?" and scrunches his face in disapproval.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Kelly drops by to ask Dylan how things went with Jack, so Dylan pissily tells her that Jack hasn't acknowledged his existence to his new family, then admonishes her for forcing this father-son reunion on him. A few seconds later, Jack calls and tells him he urgently needs to talk to him tonight.
David calls Now Wear This from his hotel room in New York and tells Donna that his job interview got postponed to tomorrow. He then asks to speak with Camille so she can coo about how much she misses him...and while she's doing that, Donna stares sadly into space.
Court room. The prosecutor orders Stuart to deliver a joke so that the jury can determine how unfunny he is and call it a day with this dumb case. Stuart starts to tell a joke about peanuts but forgets the punchline, and a weary looking Matt requests a continuance.
Steve drops by the After Dark to admonish Ryan for his shitty life choices and that he doesn't want him to end up like Noah, who passed up attending Harvard to serve drinks to spoiled rich kids...and he says this with Noah standing a few feet away. Steve orders Ryan to get his stuff and return to Casa Walsh with him, but Ryan tells him to go pee up a rope and says he's happy at the After Dark.
Beach house. Kelly bitches to Donna about Camille's haughty 'tude, and Donna concedes that she can be very pushy. Kelly then remarks that she's noticed that she and David aren't hanging out as much as they used to, and Donna says they've cooled things off with their friendship 'cause Camille didn't like her hovering over David so much...and Kelly scrunches his face with disdain.
Dylan and Jack are ambling along the beach under the careful watch of Jack's U.S. Marshal minder. Jack urges him to join him and his family in witness protection...and when Dylan declines, Jack says he's going to abandon government protection so they can be together. A car suddenly drives by, and the U.S. Marshal tells Jack they're going to have to move along 'cause it could represent a threat. Jack asks Dylan to think about what he said, then climbs into the car and is driven off to safety.
Casa David. Noah is browsing through one of Ryan's chemistry textbooks...and when Ryan staggers into the kitchen a few minutes later, Noah tells him he's heard all about what a smart kid he's suddenly being passed off as. He cautions the lad about lost opportunities and tells him the sad tale of how he gave up an Ivy League education to slog it out behind the bar at the After Dark. He's kind of compressing the timeline on how his life as a bartender came to be, but whatever. He tells Ryan he doesn't want him to make a similar mistake, and Ryan stares contemplatively into space.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Jack drops by Dylan's room with coffee and apple fritters. Dylan chides him for not being more careful and worries that he could be recognized by whoever ordered the hit on him. Jack waves off his concern and says his enemies are either dead or in jail, and that he can afford to pay for a private security firm after he leaves the witness protection program.
After Dark. Matt is coaching Stuart on how to not totally suck as a comedian...and he's enlisted Kelly, Noah, and Ryan to serve as an audience. Stuart suddenly gets really nervous and chokes...and when Ryan delivers the punchline that Stuart appears to have forgotten, he miserably tells Matt he wants to drop the case 'cause he knows he has no future as a comedian. Good call.
The Walsh house. Steve is railing to Janet about Ryan again, and she reminds him that he too was on "the idiot track" while he was a student at CU...and has pretty much remained on that train ever since.
Beach house. David calls Donna to tell her that he got the DJ job in New York, and she says she's very happy for him...but then he suddenly gets all quiet and sad and says it just hit him that he's going to be moving across the country. He whimpers, "I'll miss you" and adds that he hasn't yet told Camille. Donna urges him to call her, and he assures her he will...after they chat some more.
Dylan stops by the beach house to tell Kelly that things are going much better with Jack, and thanks her for reuniting him with his dad. He tells her that Jack is planning to leave witness protection and hire a private security firm - and that for the first time in his life he doesn't feel the need to mope around in his usual morose, slovenly fashion. He stares at her creepily and leans in for a cheek kiss...but restrains himself from going further and mumbles, "Matt's a lucky guy." As he slouches off into the night, Kelly stares after him longingly.
Steve drops by Casa David to apologize to Noah for talking trash about his aimless life as a bartender...and Noah resists the urge to remind him that he writes fake tabloid trash for a living and is in no position to be judgey. When Ryan sleepily staggers into the room, Steve tells him it's A-OK with him if he makes his own decisions about whatever dead end job he wants to spend his life doing...and the two hug and exchange I love yous.
An FBI agent drops by Dylan's hotel room to ask him to please come with him. That can't be good.
Court room. Stuart is called to the stand, but Matt tells the judge he doesn't want to 'cause he's too intimidated. Matt then starts performing Stuart's standup routine...and even though it's just as lame and unfunny as if it were Stuart himself doing it, the judge, jury, and observers all bust a gut laughing. Amid the gales of laughter, Matt shocks everyone by revealing that he was merely delivering Stuart's material...and they gasp in surprise and are all, "Ooooh! Wha-a-a..?!" LOL.
Dylan is brought to the Federal Building to meet with Christine Pettit. She warns him that Jack is in imminent danger, and that she knows this 'cause she heard his name come up in surveillance chatter from two men he testified against. She sternly tells Dylan that it would be irresponsible for Jack to come out of witness protection, and that he needs to convince him to stay in the program for his own safety.
The Walsh house. Janet picks up a crying Maddy and defiantly tells Steve she's going to rock her to sleep from now on...and that if he doesn't like it he can suck on it. Ryan enters the nursery to announce that he's off to Europe. He's going to do some travelling, get some much needed perspective, then come back to L.A. and enrol himself in CU. I will assume that Rush is going to be financing this journey of self discovery. Janet congratulates him on his decision, and then Steve and Ryan head to the After Dark to party together one last time.
Motel. Jack is packing his suitcase when Dylan slouches into his room. He tells Jack that he just spoke to Christine, and she told him that two of the men he testified against now know he's in L.A. and are trying to find him so they can put a bullet in his brain. Jack looks defeated and says if he goes back into witness protection, the two of them will never see each other again...and Dylan's like, "Can do" and assures him he now has full closure and no longer feels any hatred toward him. He declines Jack's invitation to join him in witness protection, and the two share one last tearful hug.
Now Wear This. It's the night of the big publicity party, and the store is filled with a gaggle of fashion editors who have nothing better to do with their time than mill around racks of Donna Martin originals. Camille grumbles to Donna about David accepting the DJ job 'cause it means he'll be leaving town, and Donna points out that she's only known David a month - whereas his cast mates have known him his entire life and will have a much more difficult adjustment to make when he leaves. David, meanwhile, arrives at the mall and finds Dylan standing a few feet away from the store, creepily staring at Kelly. David chuckles knowingly and remarks, "You just can't shake some people" then stares at Donna and says he's decided not to take the job in New York after all. Dylan's like, "OK, whatever" and slouches off...and Camille spots David and makes a beeline over to him for a canoodle. As Donna watches the two rub up against each other, she tells Kelly that her latest breakup with David was stupid...and now knows this 'cause she's spent the last few years looking everywhere for a boyfriend and managed to find nothing better than the slim pickens she had in high school. She has suddenly come to the realization that David is all she's ever wanted, and moans, "I'm still in looooove with David.." while Kelly just stares at her vacantly.
Recap: Donna calls David from the ER to let him know that Noah got himself so tanked that he crashed through her living room window and then got beaten up by a baseball bat wielding Matt, who assumed he was an intruder. Donna tells David she's planning to take Noah home with her so she can nurse him back to health, and he tells her it's a horrible idea that's going to send the wrong message. She snappishly retorts that she's merely informing him whassup with Noah 'cause he's his roommate...and that he can shove his well meaning advice 'cause she's going to do whatever the hell she wants. A nurse emerges from the exam room to inform Donna, Matt, and Kelly that Noah will be fine and that he suffered no permanent brain damage from getting his head smashed in. Donna tells Matt and Kelly that she's planning to take Noah back to the beach apartment so she can play nursemaid, and Kelly scrunches her face in disapproval. Donna says she knows she hates Noah, but that she's letting him stay with her 'cause right now he needs a friend, as well as enough air time to stay relevant on the show. Kelly points out that she's never going to be able to move on from Noah if she keeps letting him sleep on her couch, and Donna wearily tells her she already got that lecture from David, and that there's no reason for any of them to worry. Kelly just kind of shrugs and is like, "Yeah OK, whatever."
Beverly Royale Hotel. Kelly drops by as Dylan is sifting through stacks of documents that are strewn around the room. He ushers her over to his laptop and tells her that he and Steve have been poring over the passenger list she scored for him during the previous episode, then points at the name Eddie Waitkus and says he's pretty sure it's Jack's fake name. He tells her he hasn't yet been able to find any contact information on Eddie Waitkus, so Kelly suggests he talk to the flight crew and see if they know anything that might be helpful. Dylan likes the sound of that idea and picks up the phone to call the airline.
Beach house. Donna brings Noah a tray of food, then sits at his bedside and smiles sweetly at him. He tells her he's not hungry - but she urges him to eat, then starts spoon-feeding him. He says he hates that she now has to take care of him, and apologizes for crashing through her window. She tells him that once he's well enough, he's going to have to start up with his AA meetings again...then makes it clear that if he falls off the wagon one more time, he's on his own.
The Walsh house. One of Steve's half-wit half-brothers, Ryan (the one played by Randy Spelling), arrives for a week-long visit and meets Janet and Maddy for the first time. When Janet politely asks him how he likes Amherst College, he grunts, "Fine" but doesn't look at all enthused. Janet tells him that she and Steve have made lots of fun plans for them, e.g. the beach, museums, etc. but Ryan makes it clear that he's only interested in going to bars, over-drinking, and partying. Steve overhears that last part and squeals, "Parrrrrty!" and Janet stares at the two boneheads with open disdain and volunteers to stay home with Maddy while they enjoy their evenings of debauchery.
Matt is on the phone in his office, doing his best to rustle up clients...or a client. He should maybe consider hanging out at a jail, where the newly arrested in need of representation tend to be most heavily concentrated. Kelly laments quitting her PR job after one day and says it feels weird that she suddenly has nowhere to be. Matt says he feels like that too, but that it's extra embarrassing in his case 'cause he's sitting in his office. No duh. He urges Kelly to start up her own PR firm, but she says she's too mentally zapped to think 'bout that right now...then tells him that Dylan believes his father is alive and is going by the name Eddie Waitkus. She tells Matt she agreed to accompany Dylan to LAX later to talk to the flight crew to see if they can figure out where Jack McKay has been in hiding for the past seven years. Matt points out that exposing a man who the world is supposed to believe is dead could be dangerous, but Kelly says that Dylan's life has gone off the rails so badly since Jack's faux death...that his desperate need for the truth outweighs Jack's safety. Matt offers to come along to LAX, since clearly he's got nothing better to do.
Casa David. Donna calls to apologize to David for snapping at him the other night. She tells him she's watching an old horror classic on TV, Slumber Party Massacre...and David thanks her for the tip and tells Camille they have a horror movie to watch. She does not look enthused.
LAX. Dylan, Matt, and Kelly are in a huddle in the airport terminal, deciding on the best strategy to extract information from the flight crew about Eddie Waitkus. Dylan approaches the first class flight attendant and pretends he has a business deal pending with Eddie Waitkus and asks her if there's anything she can tell him about where the guy lives. She tells him she has no contact information for the man - 'cause why in the hell would she? - but moves the plot forward when she quietly reveals on the down-low that she once heard him mention that he lives in Tolleson, a small town just outside Phoenix.
The Walsh house. Steve and Ryan are sacked out on the couch in the living room, and there's leftover junk food and garbage strewn around the room. Janet stares at the mess in dismay, then pokes Steve awake and reminds him that he has a business meeting in an hour. Ryan snarks at her to be quiet, and Janet reacts to his snotitude by grabbing Steve by the ear and pulling him across the room. She tells him to stop showing off in front of Ryan and set a better example of how an adult man should behave. Ryan, meanwhile, has gotten off the couch and is clowning around and making faces at Janet behind her back...and naturally Steve can't keep from giggling at the immature hilarity. He tells Ryan he's going to make them Bloody Marys to soothe their hangovers, and two happily scamper over to the kitchen.
Beach house. Donna arrives home and is pleasantly surprised to see that Noah has cleaned and tidied the entire apartment. She gently chides him for not spending the day resting, and he stares at her longingly, caresses her hair, and says he just wanted to help out. He brings up his captivity during the Final Proof episode and says that his terror of dying a grisly death at the hands of a deranged former child actor was nothing compared to the sad horror of never seeing her again. He leans in and kisses her...and she looks all into it for a few minutes, but then stops him. She reminds him that after they broke up, he was out whoring and drinking - while she, on the other hand, was dealing with the heartbreak...and eventually she got over him. She urges him to do the same now that he's back on the wagon - fingers crossed - and Noah stares sadly into space and agrees with her wise words. He says he's going to call a cab and finish recuperating at Casa David.
Tolleson, AZ. Kelly is in the local cable company office, pretending to be Mrs. Eddie Waitkus. After a few minutes, she emerges from the office and smugly tells Dylan and Matt, "It worked like a charm!" and shows them the billing statement she was able to con the clerk into handing over. The three pile inside their rental car and head over to Casa Waitkus.
Restaurant. David and Camille are out for a romantic dinner. She tells him she feels a little bad about raving on and on to Donna about how perfect her life is, and feels like she stole everything from Donna's world: her store and boyfriend. David clarifies, "Ex boyfriend" but Camille continues to pretend to worry that she may have rubbed it in too much. David tells her she's being too sensitive and that Donna is far too sweet and angelic to ever hold a grudge. Camille makes a face and is like, "Uh, speaking of your over-the-top worship of Donna.." and says she finds it odd that he's such close friends with her, and describes her as a shadow over their budding romance. She says she wouldn't mind having a little distance from Donna, and David applauds her for having the courage to come right out and say something. A few seconds later, David's cell phone rings and, of course, it's Donna calling. Over Camille's fake protests to go ahead and answer it, David declines and hits the ignore button.
Casa Waitkus. Dylan and Kelly are parked across the street in the rental car, and it looks like they've been staking out Jack's house for the last several hours, waiting for him to show himself. Apparently, Matt didn't want to endure the boredom of a stakeout and hung back at the motel. Eventually, a car pulls into the driveway...and Dylan and Kelly look on with anxious anticipation as Jack steps out of the driver's side. The front door of the house opens, and a little boy rushes out and exclaims, "Daddy!" and he's followed by his mother, who greets Jack with a kiss. Dylan glares broodily at the contrived, end-of-day kissy hugging...and when Kelly urges him to go to Jack, he mumbles, "There's no place for me here."
Now Wear This. Donna chides David for not calling her back last night, and he tells her that since he's now dating Camille, she's going to have to cool it with the multiple late night calls. Donna sheepishly says she totally gets it...and a few minutes later, Camille arrives at the boutique with fresh coffee for everyone.
Tolleson, AZ. Dylan tells Kelly that Jack's new life looks a whole lot better than his old one, especially now that he has a young son. Kelly reminds him that Jack has two sons, but Dylan mutters that he's ready to throw in the towel on the caper and fly back to L.A. to resume his aimless life of slouching around a hotel room.
After Dark. Steve, Janet, and Ryan are sitting at a table together...and Ryan is brazenly checking out a hot blonde waitress. As Janet and Steve gabble about the challenges and joys of parenthood, Ryan rolls his eyes and snarks at Steve, "Is this your life now?" then accuses him of being baby-whipped. Janet politely asks the tool how he likes college, and he says the only thing he's interested in at the moment is hittin' it with the hot blonde waitress. After he ambles off in pursuit of an implausible hookup with a woman who looks to be waaaay out of his league, Janet tells Steve that his rude douchewad of a brother is starting to get on her last nerve.
Casa Waitkus. Dylan is staking out Jack's house again, but this time he's doing it solo. Eventually, he gets out of the car, crosses the street, and stares through the living room window at Jack as he relaxes in his easy chair and reads the newspaper. After a few minutes of wistful staring, Dylan turns around and slouches back to the car.
After Dark. David is in the DJ booth, looking very discombobulated. When he sees Donna enter the club, he throws out the topic du jour for listeners to chew on: the rules of relationships with exes and new lovers...discuss. Donna heads over to the bar where Noah is working and asks him how he's doing, and he assures her he's resisting downing any booze. He adds that his over-drinking isn't her problem anymore and is sorry he took advantage of her angelically charitable nature. David sees them talking and makes a beeline over to the bar and asks Donna if everything is OK here, and she tells him it's all good. He invites her to go with him next door to get a bite to eat, and she says she'd like to accept, but doesn't want to overstep his newly laid out boundaries. He's like, "Give me a sec" and whips out his cell phone to make a quick call to Camille, who's sexily lounging in her bed. He tells her he's going to be delayed coming over 'cause he's stopping off at the Peach Pit for a bite to eat, and Camille looks irked as she correctly assumes he's hanging with Donna, and tells him she'll just talk to him tomorrow and abruptly hangs up. Donna asks David if everything is OK, and he's like, "Yep" and ushers her over to the diner.
The Peach Pit. Kelly shows Matt the stack of business cards she just had printed...and it looks like she's taken his advice and started her own PR firm, despite having no real PR credentials or the ability to be non-judgey about stuff she doesn't personally agree with. She proudly tells him she even has a first client: the owner of Now Wear This! When Dylan slouches into the diner to pick up a food order, Kelly rushes over and asks him what happened with Jack in Tolleson. He tells her he stayed on for another day to creepily stare at Jack through his living room window...then decided it would be best to leave him alone 'cause he's a happy man now. Kelly follows him out to the parking lot and argues, "What about you?" and Dylan agrees that the trauma of his father's faux death has made him push people away, not finish anything he starts, and uselessly wander the earth. He declares that Jack is still dead to him, then slouches over to his motorcycle and rides off.
Casa David. David enters the kitchen where Noah is eating breakfast. He calls Noah out on kissing Donna the other day and orders him to give her her space 'cause she's doing her best to move forward in life. Noah snarks at him of all people for lecturing him about not letting Donna move forward...and David denies doing anything to hold her back. Noah accuses him of still being in love with Donna, difficult as that is for any man to resist, then stalks off.
Now Wear This. Camille is busy helping customers when Donna enters the store. She apologizes to Camille for getting in the way of her relationship with David, and explains that they're old friends and that she's used to monopolizing his time without anyone objecting. Camille pretends she's not at all bugged by it, and remarks that she doesn't usually fall so fast and hard for such a total dork. Donna pretends to be thrilled that two such great people found each other, and needlessly gives them her blessing. The two hug...and when Camille heads out for lunch, Donna stares sadly into space.
The Walsh house backyard. Steve irritably tells Janet that Ryan didn't come home last night, and that he's worried 'cause the dumbfuck almost died of alcohol poisoning once. A few seconds later, Ryan saunters into the backyard and smugly informs Steve that he spent the night doinking the hot blonde waitress. Janet says she wishes he would have called, and Ryan derisively refers to her as mom and says he didn't know he was obligated to check in with her. Steve admonishes him for lipping off at his wife and calls him a jerk, then asks how it's possible for him to be keeping up his grades if he's so into partying. Ryan admits it's not...and that he's been slacking off so much that he's currently on academic probation. He sadly recalls what a brain he was in high school and was bound for med school - LOL...say what?! - but is now a college dropout. As he angrily storms into the house, Steve wryly tells Janet they're stopping at one child.
Casa David. David is canoodling with Camille in bed when the classic horror Mummy's Ghost comes on the tube...and over at the beach house, we see that Donna is also watching it. She picks up the phone, but then resists the urge to call David and puts it back down. Over at Casa David, David is staring longingly at his phone.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan is broodily sitting in front of the fireplace, drinking. When he hears a knock on the door, he barks, "Leave it outside!" - but when the knocking persists, he slouches over to the door and answers it. He's stunned to find Jack McKay standing before him and squints in incredulity as Jack says, "Hello son."
Recap: Janet tells Donna that she has the perfect guy to set her up with: Irv, the poor sod at the printing press who does the actual churning out of The Beverly Beat. Donna says she's not sure she's ready for another dating disaster, especially with a guy who's partially responsible for that dreck being on newsstands. And speaking of dating disasters, Noah drunkenly stumbles into the Walsh house and mumbles that he wants to play pinball. Janet asks him not to 'cause she just put Maddy down...and when Noah ignores her and starts fumbling around with the controls, David swiftly unplugs the machine. Donna offers Noah a lift home, and he's like, "Er...OK" and trots out the front door behind her. It's a real shame that Gina didn't invite this drunken loser to accompany her on her cross-country tour.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan and Steve are hanging out, watching Jeopardy. During the commercial break, Dylan shuffles off to do something and Steve channel surfs and comes across a local news report about an emergency landing at LAX. The footage includes passengers ambling around the airport, and Steve does a double-take when he spots a man who looks exactly like Jack McKay. He quickly calls Dylan's attention to it, and a puzzled Dylan watches the footage and is all, "Wha-at's going on?"
Beach house. Kelly is dressed in a corporate-y looking outfit for her first day of work at Pia's PR firm. She stares with disdain at Noah, who's sacked out on the living room couch...and Donna explains that she didn't want him driving drunk. Kelly says she hopes she's not putting Noah's needs above her own, and Donna assures her she's not...then scrunches her giant face concernedly.
LAX. Dylan asks a ticketing agent if a passenger named Jack McKay was on the earlier flight that got diverted to LAX, but the agent says he's not at liberty to give out passenger information. Dylan stabs his index finger at him and snarkishly orders him to look it up on his computer, and the annoyed agent tells him where he can shove his rude, self-entitled bitchitude.
PR firm. Kelly tells Pia that the ballot initiative they're working on is a violation of gay kids' civil rights, and Pia's like "Yeah whatever" and orders her to draft a speech that will convince voters that gay kids have no right to their own high school clubs. Kelly stares worriedly into space.
The Walsh house. Steve arrives home and tells David, who's there babysitting Maddy, about the possible Jack McKay sighting at LAX. As Steve puts Maddy down, David mills around the upstairs hallway and eavesdrops on Camille, Donna, and Janet. They're talking about fur - real or fake? - and David somehow assumes that they're taking a page from the Sex and the City playbook and talking about orgasms...and looks alarmed when he hears Camille exclaim, "I've only ever had fake ones!" LOL. A few minutes later, Irv arrives...and naturally he's completely staggered by Donna's cherubic sweetness and stunningly flawless beauty. As everyone sits down to dinner, Noah staggers in through the front door, drunk as usual, and sarcastically thanks Janet for inviting him. He sits in David's vacant chair, scowls at Donna and Irv, and starts gulping wine. Donna quietly asks Irv if he's had a good time so far, and he tells her it would be impossible for any man to resist becoming hopelessly smitten with her at the moment of first contact. With that settled, Donna explains that drunken Noah is a good friend who's been going through a hard time lately. As Noah chides Donna for whispering at the table, Irv tells her he'll definitely give her a call, then politely excuses himself from the table and heads out. Janet glares at Noah for ruining her dinner party, but he seems oblivious to her scorn and throws back some more wine.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan is rewatching the news footage with Jack McKay ambling around LAX, making no attempt to hide from the news cameras despite him being in Witness Protection (spoiler). Dylan hits the pause button, glares at the TV screen, and mutters, "You son of a bitch."
The Peach Pit. David tells Steve and Matt that he and Camille are going out tonight, and that he's worried about satisfying her in the sack 'cause of what he misheard her say about only ever having fake orgasms. He pleads for their best sex advice, but Steve just giggles like a schoolgirl while Matt smiles vacantly into space.
PR firm. Pia chides Kelly for writing a flat, boring, uninteresting speech about the gay club ballot initiative. She reminds her that the firm was hired to sway the populace against wanting gay kids to have their own school clubs, and that she's supposed to do their bidding, not get all judgey if she personally disagrees with their stance. The way she does every time Matt takes on a client she disapproves of. Pia orders Kelly to redo the speech within the hour.
Dylan and Steve arrive at Dylan's storage unit. Dylan is alarmed when he sees that the lock to the unit has been broken...and inside, his boxes of papers are messily strewn about. Steve mutters, "Wow" and assumes that someone didn't want them to find whatever secrets were buried in the boxes of papers. Dylan tells him that the task du jour is to sift through the paperwork to see if they can figure out what Jack's FBI ex-girlfriend's last name is. Which is completely nonsensical, since he seemed to know that her name was Christine Pettit during Season 5's Christmas episode, when he showed up at her FBI office unannounced to ask for her help capturing Kevin and Suzanne after they scammed him out of his millions...and she dispatched Jonesy. Not to mention that he called Christine again during the Season 5 finale while he was scoping out mobster Tom Rose.
Now Wear This. Donna tells Janet that Camille has become partners with her in the boutique, and that she (Camille) and David are love birds. Janet tells her she assured Irv that there's nothing going on between her and Noah, and that she was merely helping a friend who's still traumatized from being abducted by a deranged former child actor. Janet says she thinks that Noah needs professional help, but Donna sanctimoniously refuses to abandon a friend in need.
Dylan slouches into the Federal Building...which means he must have found some papers that had Christine's last name and contact info written on them. He barks at the receptionist to summon Agent Pettit...and when Christine appears in the doorway a few minutes later, Dylan blurts out, "He's alive, isn't he?" Christine hustles him into her office and sticks to the official story that Jack McKay died seven years ago. Dylan tells her he saw Jack on the local news a few days ago, then hands her the videotape of the LAX footage. He adds that it's extra suspicious 'cause his storage unit was just burglarized, but Christine says she knows nothing 'bout that and insists again that Jack is dead.
Casa David. David and Camille are sexily lounging on his living room floor among lit candles. She tells him that dinner was great, and saucily adds that her expectations for "dessert" are extremely high. David perks up at that, and the two start going at it.
The Peach Pit. Steve finds David seated at the counter and demands to be regaled with the sordid details of his night with Camille. David proudly says that his performance was an A+, and that Camille "enjoyed herself" several times. Steve chuckles giddily, but can't help wonder if Camille was faking...having only experienced fake orgasms up until now. That would be my guess. Kelly enters the diner to get coffee, and Steve tells her he heard about the ballot initiative her firm is working on. Steve compliments her speech, which was read aloud on the local news, and says it totally changed the way he's planning to vote. Kelly stares unhappily into space.
Federal building. Christine summons Dylan to her office to tell him that she obtained the passenger list for the re-routed flight and says that Jack's name wasn't on it. Dylan's like, "Well, d'yuh" and says that Jack McKay wouldn't be on it, but rather his new fake name. He recalls the explosion that supposedly killed Jack in Season 3 and realizes that he never actually saw him get into the car, and never saw a charred body or any part of a charred body afterward. Christine stubbornly says that all he's accomplishing right now is reopening emotional wounds, and strongly urges him to stop searching for answers before he stumbles onto something that's going to blow this poorly maintained FBI operation wide open.
Now Wear This. David tells Janet and Donna that he overheard them talking the other day and heard Camille say she's only ever had fake orgasms. Donna chuckles and informs him that they were discussing fur coats, not sex. Noah, meanwhile, calls the store and leaves Donna another 'pleeeeease call me' message. Donna says she feels bad 'cause Noah has no other friends...or any real purpose on the show anymore.
After Dark. David and Camille are flirtily bantering in the DJ booth. He tells her he totally misheard the conversation about orgasms/fur she was having with Janet and Donna at the Walsh house a few nights ago and freaked about it to Steve and Matt - but that it's all good now 'cause Donna set him straight about what they were really talking about. Camille gets irked at him for discussing their intimate moments with Donna, Steve, and Matt and storms out of the booth in a huff. Donna and Irv, meanwhile, are sitting at a table together...and for some reason she's telling him about the parade of losers she's dated over the years. Irv moves his chair to sit right next to her and assures her it's totes OK if she's not OK. She tells him she knows she should be happy to be out with him tonight...but, unfortunately, she can't help feeling like she belongs elsewhere. Irv apologizes for making the assumption that she was available, and she apologizes for giving him that very strong impression.
Storage facility. Kelly shows up as Dylan is sorting through his strewn-about papers. He tells her about seeing Jack on the news, and that he's felt worse about his "death" with every passing year...hence his ever-present slouchy aura of moody hopelessness. He picks up a photo of himself and Jack from when he was a kid and stares at it sadly, and Kelly's all, "Awwww.." and gives him a hug.
Kelly tells Matt she hates that the speech she wrote for the firm's client is changing people's minds about gay students' high school clubs. She wants to quit the firm, which seems pretty dramatic considering she's been on the job for one day, but Matt urges her to stick it out.
Now Wear This. Donna tells David she did her best to smooth everything over with Camille...and David admonishes her for spending her spare time playing nursemaid to Noah instead of hanging with nice guys like Irv. She admits that Noah has already called her four times today, and David cautions her about continuing to lose nice guys 'cause of her time being monopolized by her troubled drunkard of an ex-boyfriend who really should have been written off the show long before now.
PR firm. Pia tells Kelly she's pleased that the ballot initiative is doing so well, but Kelly says she's deeply unhappy about "selling" something she doesn't believe in. Pia tells her that a good publicist can sell something without bringing her personal feelings into it...and Kelly retorts by telling her that she's about to be married and might one day have a child who could turn out to be gay - and what if that child wants to commit suicide 'cause he/she feels too much on the fringe of society?? She says she can't do a job where she doesn't passionately believe in whatever she's doing every second of the day, and dramatically announces, "I quit!"
Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan is watching the LAX footage again when Kelly drops by. She pulls out a wad of paper from her purse and tells him she used Pia's connections at the airline to request a copy of the passenger list of the re-routed flight he's pretty sure Jack was on. Dylan takes it, thanks her, and goes back to staring broodily into space.
Casa David. Camille comes over wearing a full length fake fur coat. David apologizes for blabbing to the 90210 gang about their sexing...then explains that he got so nervous about performing, he felt he needed all the support he could get in order to be spectacular. When he offers to take her coat, she disrobes, revealing that she was wearing nothing underneath but lacy black underwear. She jokes about being the only one who gets to judge his performance, and the two start getting it on.
Beach house. Kelly and Matt are in bed canoodling when they hear a ruckus on the patio. Donna bursts into their room and says there's definitely someone out there. Matt picks up a baseball bat and tiptoes out into the hall, while Kelly and Donna call 911 to report an intruder. Just as Mat enters the living room, a man crashes head first through the window. Matt starts beating him with the baseball bat - at the same time Kelly and Donna turn on the lights and shriek at Matt to stop beating the intruder 'cause it's Noah: the idiot dumbfuck drunkard who just crashed through their living room window instead of ringing the damn doorbell.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Steve drops by to check in with Dylan regarding the Jack McKay sighting. Dylan stares morosely out the window and gabbles about all the stuff that he and Jack used to do together when he was a kid...including reading The Natural, which featured a character named Eddie Waitkus. He was a young man full of promise who gets shot, disappears, then later returns from the dead. Dylan tells Steve that Kelly got him the passenger list of the re-routed flight...and the name Eddie Waitkus is on it. As Steve looks discombobulated and is all, "Wha-a-a?" Dylan says he's sure that the man they saw on the TV is his father.
Recap: The ambulance arrives at the Martin house...but there's nothing the paramedics can do for Papa Martin, other than cover him up with a sheet 'cause, yep, he's definitely a goner. Donna tearfully tells the first responders that her dad suffered a stroke two years ago, then gives them the name of his physician. Gina stands around looking dazed and says she figured something was wrong when he didn't respond to her after she screeched at him to answer the door. Donna hears a car pull into the driveway and cries, "My mom!" and runs outside. An ashen faced Felice rushes toward her and asks, "How is he?" and when she sees the heartbreak etched across Donna's face, she shrieks, "Noooooo!!" then rushes into the house, snarking at the paramedics that she wants to see her husband before they cart him off to the morgue.
Noah's jeep is in the process of being towed when Steve arrives at the After Dark and informs Noah and Dylan that Papa Martin died of a stroke last night. Noah scrunches his face concernedly and asks Dylan to not tell Donna about last episode's bizarre abduction storyline 'cause he doesn't want her to stress about it while she's coping with the loss of her father.
Beach house. The 90210 gang is over, murmuring words of support to Donna. She tells them there's a lot to take care of before the funeral, then sadly remarks on how surreal it is that her dad was fine yesterday, but is suddenly gone today. Kelly asks if he was supposed to be exercising, and Gina shoots her the stink eye and says, "Meaning..?" and Donna says she's not exactly sure how bad off his bum heart was. Gina dashes out onto the patio and is followed by David. She complains to him that she feels invisible and is not allowed to be sad about losing her father, and David just kind of shrugs and says that people (meaning Kelly) are wondering if something more could have been done to prevent him from stroking out. Gina tearfully moans about how hard it sucks that everyone thinks she's to blame for her father's death.
While ambling down the street after a dinner out, Kelly asks Matt if one needs a special license to be a personal trainer, and Matt chides her for her snideitude and says that asking stuff like that when Papa Martin just died isn't making things easier for Donna. She wisely changes the subject and tells him she had an interview with Pia Swanson for a PR job, and adds that it's a big agency which pays well. When the two arrive at the spot where Matt parked his car, he looks around worriedly and says it looks as though his car has been stolen. A valet, who happens to be standing nearby, tells him it was taken by a repo guy. Matt laments how much time and energy he spent on law school, only to end up being a broke loser with zero clients.
Beach house. Dylan drops by to see Gina and express his condolences about Papa Martin. She says, "I screwed up" but Dylan tells her he doesn't buy that, and points out that she always made sure her dad wasn't overexerting himself. He also points out that Papa Martin was happy working out 'cause he enjoyed spending time with her, and that it must have meant a lot to him that she forgave him for being such a dickwad for colluding with Bobbi to keep her paternity a secret her entire life.
Martin house. Donna asks Felice if she looked into the life insurance policy info so she can use it to cover the funeral costs, and Felice says she just can't deal with anything finance-related and wails, "I don't even know if the mortgage is paid!" Donna hugs her and says she'll help her through her startling-for-a-grown-woman helplessness. A few minutes later, David and Camille arrive with flowers and add them to the pile that's stacked up in the foyer. Donna moans about how lost she feels, and that her mom is freaking out about all the day-to-day stuff that Papa Martin took care of. Considering the precariousness of his health during the last two years of his life, he probably should have clued in his hapless wife about how to cover the mortgage and pay the electric bill.
Matt grumbles to Kelly about having to start at ground zero with clients after being suspended for so long. He wonders if maybe he should consider joining a law firm so he has more in the way of financial security, then tells her he doesn't want her to take the PR job for the sole purpose of supporting him financially. She assures him that she's genuinely interested in the job, and that they're going to be A-OK.
Martin house. Gina asks Felice if she's OK, and Felice says no, and snippily adds that she knows it's not the answer she's looking for. She starts nattering about various memories she shared with her husband...and that after reading his obituary, she actually learned a couple of things she didn't know about him. Gina's like, "Uh, speaking of the obit.." and says she was miffed that it said he was survived by a wife and one daughter. Felice rolls her eyes and snaps, "What difference does it make now?" and Gina's like, "Uh, he was my father" and Felice retorts, "He was my life" and that if the news broke that he had fathered an illegitimate daughter, his reputation would be destroyed. Felice snarks at Gina for not doing a better job of monitoring Papa Martin's blood pressure during their workouts, and Gina wails, "Don't dooooo this!" and flees the house in tears.
After Dark. Janet takes pity on sad Noah and invites him over to Casa Walsh for dinner, but he tells her she doesn't have to worry about him. He then looks all spacey as he recalls the previous episode's abduction storyline and remembers thinking how easily he could have died at the hands of a deranged former child actor. Kelly chides Dylan for risking his life by getting involved with a head case like Shane, and he snarls that he was trying to save Noah's life, and that no part of it was fun, sexy, or remotely interesting for viewers to watch. Kelly suddenly looks sheepish and goes, "Oh. I had no idea you were trying to save a life" and Dylan admonishes her for bitchily lecturing him, then stalks off.
Martin house. Donna summons David over to keep her company while she grieves and tries to get some much needed sleep. She gabbles about her dad while they canoodle on the couch...and within a few minutes, she starts to nod off and then falls asleep in his arms.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Gina tells Dylan that Felice blames her for Papa Martin's death, and Dylan says she shouldn't take it personally 'cause clearly the woman's not in her right head. I dunno 'bout that; her cruel words seemed pretty consistent with her bitchy personality. Gina shakes her head and complains that L.A. is a tough town, then shrugs helplessly and says, "You just are what people say you are." Dylan concurs about the crappiness of La La Land and says he just got a taste of that this evening and didn't much like how it felt. He suggests the two of them pull up stakes and go somewhere else, and Gina perks up at that and goes, "For good?" ... and when he nods, she happily chirps, "Count me in!"
The Peach Pit. Pia offers Kelly the job, and welcomes her to the wonderful world of PR. She tells Kelly that her first order of business will be working on a ballot initiative involving gay public high school students wanting to set up their own clubs. Kelly says she can definitely get passionate 'bout an issue like that, and Pia's like, "Great!" and promises to messenger the details about the campaign to her apartment asap. Interestingly, she leaves out the part about how it's a ballot initiative against gay students getting to have their own clubs. Kelly runs into Dylan and apologizes for calling him reckless, and Dylan grumpily mumbles that after Papa Martin's funeral, he's leaving town for good. Again. He glares at her and snidely sneers, "What I'm looking for isn't here anymore."
Martin house. Gina drops by to inform Donna - along with David, who's hanging with Donna - that she's decided to leave this sinking ship of a been-on-the-air-for-waaaay-too-long TV series for greener pastures. Donna's like, "Wuh? Now?" and Gina thanks her for everything, but adds how bummed she's been that people are subtly casting blame on her for Papa Martin's death. Donna snarls that right now she doesn't have the emotional capacity to comfort her, and Gina snaps, "Sorry, but he was my father too" and Donna bitchily retorts, "And if you hadn't found that out, maybe he'd still be alive" ... which, OK, but weren't you the idiot who insisted on going down that rabbit-hole when you insisted on telling Gina about her secret paternity? Gina glares at her and asks her if she really thinks that their father's death is her fault, and Donna back pedals and says she doesn't know whose fault it is, then stalks off.
After Dark. Dylan tells Kelly he's thinking of slouching off to South America with Gina for an undetermined period of time. Kelly snorts derisively and snarks, "She didn't grieve long" and says she wants to be happy for him, but can't help herself from being all judgey about the way he always seems to be running away from his problems. He nonsensically snarks, "How's Matt?" and she snaps, "Go to hell!" and Dylan world-wearily mutters that that location is definitely on the itinerary.
Casa David. David arrives home and finds Noah drinking from a bottle of Scotch while music blares in the background. David shuts the stereo off and asks him whassup with his self-medicating...and Noah pours himself another drink and recalls the grisly manner in which his dad blew his brains out, and whines about how cursed he is. David tells him to cut the shit with his annoying self-pity, and that doesn't have a curse so much as the choice to not kill himself...but that if he truly wants to end it, Dylan's gun is prolly laying around the apartment somewhere. Noah mulls that over while staring contemplatively into space, no doubt thinking that David would make a terrible suicide prevention counsellor.
Martin house. Dylan finds Donna sitting by the pool and tells her he dropped by to say goodbye. He tells her that when he left Beverly Hills, 90210 in Season 6, she was a shy, sweet, indescribably lovely cherub...and when he returned in early Season 9, he found that she was still a shy, sweet, indescribably lovely cherub - but also a capable successful business woman who's well prepared for whatever lies ahead. Donna wryly tells him she was just in a panic about what she's going to say during her father's funeral service, but he assures her she's probably way more prepared than he was when Jack (fake) blew up...then remarks that he's been running away from stuff ever since that traumatic event. She tells him she's sad he's leaving, and says that during hard times she gathers strength from their incestuous, tight-knit clique of hometown friends. Dylan says that for him L.A. is "a love-hate thing", but then looks contemplative when Donna tells him that they all need help and support from friends and family from time to time.
Beach house. Kelly tells Matt she accepted the PR job, then asks him to look over the ballot initiative paperwork that Pia had messengered. As the two look it over, Kelly realizes that the firm has been asked to convince ballot voters to oppose gay high school students from starting up their own clubs. She looks miffed and is all, "Aw shit."
Funeral. Felice and Donna are sitting in the front pew, staring sadly at Papa Martin's flag draped coffin. When Gina arrives and makes a beeline for the front pew, David blocks her path and tells her that Felice haughtily requested that she not be seated with immediate family. Gina shoots him the stink-eye and seats herself beside Dylan and unhappily mutters, "We cannot leave soon enough." Donna goes to the front of the church to eulogize her father and gabbles about being a daddy's girl, blah blah. She then pulls out a letter that Papa Martin wrote to her while he was recovering from his stroke two years ago. In it, he wrote about what truly matters in life: love, faith, and family. She breaks down in tears about halfway through, and Gina springs up from her pew and goes up to the front and finishes reading the letter for her. Afterwards, she and Donna hug...and as they step down to re-take their seats, Felice tells Gina that that was beautiful, and that she'd like her to sit with them. Hurray!
After the funeral, Kelly compliments Donna and Gina on the letter reading and suggests they all meet up at the beach house to decompress. Gina goes over to Dylan, who breaks it to her that he's changed his mind about running off...and that since he's decided to take a page out of Papa Martin's book, he suddenly wants his life to be all about love, faith, and family and is going to stick around and wait out Kelly's inevitable breakup with Matt.
Casa David. David and Camille are flirtily bantering when Noah arrives home with a bag of groceries. After searching the bag for booze (and finding none), David tells Noah they're off to the beach house to comfort Donna and invites him to come along, but he declines and grunts, "Maybe later." After David and Camille leave, Noah pulls a bottle of booze from his inside jacket pocket and takes a long swig.
Martin house. Gina tells Donna she's decided to drive across the country and figure out her aimless life while on the road. The two reminisce about playing together as kids, blah blah...and Donna says she's sad to see her go. After the two hug for the last time, Gina says, "Well, see ya" and slips out of the room, never to be seen on Beverly Hills, 90210 again. Bye-bye Gina!
Beach house. Kelly and Dylan agree that they don't want to be in a weird place with each other, and he tells her he wants to get out of it, and that it's one of the reasons he's decided to continue sticking it out on the show. Donna, meanwhile, is standing on the patio, staring out at the ocean. David joins her and asks her if she's OK, and she says no...but knows that losing a loved one is a part of life. He tells her she was there for him when his beloved grandfather died, and that he wants to be there for her now...and gives her a chaste forehead kiss.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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