Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 5, Episode 30

"I'm still sad that you never wanted to doink me...even after I offered you my virgin vajayjay on that carousel."

"Hello Life, Goodbye Beverly Hills"
Original airdate: 5/17/1995

Episode summary: When Brandon and Dylan pressure Kelly to choose between them, she leaves them both hanging by nonsensically announcing, "I choose me." Papa Walsh is offered a major promotion if he's willing to relocate to Hong Kong. Ahn-drea and her brood leave Beverly Hills forever. Yiiipppeee!!!!

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Recap: Dylan's in a travel agency, booking a trip around the world for two. When the travel agent asks him the name of his traveling companion, he crisply replies, "Miss Kelly Taylor."

The Walsh house. Papa Walsh is on the phone with his boss, and it looks as if the two are having a very serious conversation. Mama Walsh tells Brandon that word got out he was threatening to quit 'cause of all the snubbing going on in his workplace, but Jim's problems don't appear to register with Brandon, and he starts whining about how he's been getting snubbed by the chancellor. Apparently, Chancellor Arnold blew off a meeting with him and no longer seems to have endless amounts of time to devote to him. Well d'yuh - he's no longer the student body president...why would the chancellor need to keep meeting with him? Papa Walsh enters the kitchen with a dazed expression on his face and tells Brandon and Mama Walsh that the company wouldn't accept his resignation...instead, they're offering him a major promotion at two and a half times his salary. The only catch [with this implausible career boost] is that the job is in Hong Kong.


Beach. Kelly is rollerblading on a beach path when she runs into Dylan (who appears to be creepily stalking her). She loses her balance and falls into his arms...and he quickly mounts her and the two start making out. He shows her the travel tickets he just booked, and she looks stunned and asks, "Are you serious?" and he tells her they can jet off as soon as she's done with her exams. Kelly reminds him that she can't just take off for the entire summer; she has responsibilities, a modeling contract (wait - wuh?), and a boyfriend. She points out that he may have regressed/time-traveled/whatever to the Old West and discovered that she was his soulmate, but she's living in present day California and is in a relationship with Brandon. Well, kinda. She also reminds him that the last time they traveled together, they fought like cats and dogs. Dylan says they fight because he makes her feel alive, then derisively tells her that she can always stay in L.A. and hang with "Uncle Minnesota". Hahaha!...and ouch. He insists that they belong together, and Kelly looks conflicted and tells him she doesn't know what to say...so he tells her to be ready to leave town when the airport shuttle arrives to pick her up.


Ahn-drea's/Jesse's apartment. Andrea and Jesse are moving to Connecticut - yiiiippppeeeee!!!!! - and are in the middle of packing up their stuff. As Ahn-drea cleans out her desk, she finds the last issue of The Blaze she edited and suddenly gets all sentimental. Jesse teases her about reminiscing over every item she packs, and then the two briefly discuss the special goodbye party the gang has planned for her the next day. Steve drops by to ask her how his paper is coming along, and she snarkishly retorts that she's been busy, and suggests he write it himself. Am I missing something here? Why in the hell would Ahn-drea (or anyone) agree to write a paper for Steve? And wouldn't the university consider that cheating? Ahn-drea agrees to help him work on the paper, but he says he can't do it right now 'cause he has a softball game to get to (interesting set of priorities, Steve), and hightails it out of there.


Beach house. Valerie drops by to pick up Kelly's psych notes, and Kelly declares that they're now even [from a previous favor]. Valerie notices the airline ticket Kelly just got from Dylan lying on a nearby table, opens the envelop, and asks her if she's planning a getaway. Kelly quickly snatches it out of her hands and snaps that it's none of her business, and Valerie looks fake contemplative and ponders aloud, "I wonder what Brandon's doing this summer." She thanks Kelly for the psych notes, shoots her a bitchy glare, and stalks out of the apartment.


The Peach Pit. Ray's annoyed that Donna is spending so much time studying for her finals instead of paying attention to him...because he's rapidly degenerating into a demanding three year old. He bitches that he should have just stayed on the road instead of returning to L.A. to be with her, and Donna insists she's happy he's home and that she loves him. He snarks that she always says that, but never shows him, and Donna wearily asks, "You mean sex?" and he just glares at her and retorts, "I need you. I need your time." She promises him that once finals are over, she'll have the whole summer to devote entirely to him, then throws him a bone and says they can go to Ahn-drea's goodbye party together. He spitefully grumps that he has zero desire to stroll down memory lane with her stupid high school friends, so Donna points out that Clare is going, and she didn't go to West Beverly High...and Ray says that Clare's presence is all the more reason he'd prefer to stay home. Donna scrunches her big face in confusion and says she thought he liked her friends, and he barks back that they're her friends and they don't have to pretend to like him any more that he likes them. He says he could ask her to make a choice, but won't...but in the next breath asks her who she'd choose. LOL. Donna looks distressed by his relentless douchenozzlery and whimpers, "That's not fair" and then pushes her plate away and says she just lost her appetite. Please break up.


The Walsh house. Valerie is surprised by Jim's Hong Kong news. Brandon says he thinks his parents will go for it since they haven't traveled much, and Valerie snidely remarks that they're not the only ones with the travel bug. He asks her where she's planning to go, so she clarifies that she's talking about Kelly...then spills the beans about Dylan's plan to take her on a trip around the world. Brandon looks stunned, then furrows his brows and tells Valerie he'd like to mope in private please.


Dylan's house. Brandon stops by to ask Dylan whassup with him buying travel tickets for his woman. Dylan just shrugs and says he likes to travel, and that he and Kelly are connected in a way he'll never understand. (Ah yes, the "seminal link".) Brandon sneers at him and stalks out.


Beach house. Brandon arrives with a gift for Kelly, and she eagerly unwraps it and finds a new pair of rollerblades. The two head out to a nearby beach path to break them in...and as Kelly is putting them on, she notices that there's something in one of the boots. Brandon offers to check it out and sticks his hand inside the boot and - ta da! - pulls out a ring box. Kelly looks aghast and says, "What did you do?" then opens it and finds a diamond ring. She tells him it's beautiful, and he wryly retorts, "It's no trip around the world", which was a weird thing to say. She says she hasn't decided if she's going on the trip with Dylan, and admits to having feelings for her slouchy ex-beau. She tells Brandon he didn't have to buy her a ring to show her how much he loves her...plus it smacks of desperation. Brandon vows not to give her up without a fight and then proposes, and she just stares back at him mutely. That was painfully awkward.


After that troubling rejection, Brandon and Kelly stroll along the ocean. He tells her he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, and she says she loves him, but can't give him a definite yes. Unfazed, Brandon tells her that his parents are moving to Hong Kong and invites her to move into the Walsh house with him...and then reminds her of everything they've been through this season (Emily, Finley, the fire, her Florence Henderson hairdo). When that doesn't help, he changes tactics and tells her he'd love to see her wearing his ring - and nothing else - and the two start canoodling.


After Dark. Ray tells Valerie they have a problem - namely, David and Clare know about their hook-up and might blab about it to Donna. Valerie just shrugs and advises him to deny it and blame the "rumor" on the ravings of his drunk mother. She then tells him she couldn't care less/can't solve his personal problems, wishes him a good show, and saunters off.


Beach house. Kelly shows her diamond ring to Donna, who asks her why she didn't accept Brandon's proposal...so Kelly pulls out the travel ticket Dylan bought for her. Donna exclaims that that must have cost a fortune, and Kelly gets a nauseatingly dreamy look on her face and says she knows it's nutty, but even though she loves Brandon, Dylan will always have a piece of her soul. That's not just nutty - it's utterly fucked up. And speaking of the soul snatcher, Clare pokes her head inside the room to alert Kelly that Dylan has just slouched in.


Kelly goes out to the deck where Dylan is waiting, and he asks her if she's made up her mind yet. She's like, "Uh, no" so he tells her he wants her, needs her, and that their plane leaves in four days. She snaps at him to stop pressuring her...and then he notices that she's wearing a diamond ring and broodily asks, "What's that thing on your finger?" She's all, "Oops, I forgot I was wearing it!" and informs him that Brandon gave it to her this afternoon. Dylan says he doesn't need to know 'bout dat, but adds that he does need to know if she said yes. When she shakes her head, he smugly kisses her and gives her a longing stare. Meanwhile, Donna and Clare are watching the lovebirds through the window and wonder aloud which of Kelly's admirers they'd choose. Clare's like, "Duh - Brandon" and Donna reveals that she used to dig Dylan in high school - but then, all the teenage girls found his slouchy mellowness a huge turn-on. Clare theorizes that Donna gets off on melodrama, and Donna admits that that's probably true. This emboldens Clare to come right out and tell her that she could do so much better than Ray - well d'yuh, understatement - but this vexes Donna and she insists that Pumpkin Head is totes awesome and that they're very happy together, despite the sudden onset of his verbal abuse. Clare apologizes for interfering [and telling her the hard truth], and Donna stomps off to bed.


Brandon's laying on the couch, dejectedly staring into space. Mama and Papa Walsh enter the living room and convene an impromptu family meeting to announce that they're A-OK with being written off the show and will happily jet off to "Hong Kong". Valerie looks enthused about their Asian adventure - while Brandon, who's incapable of focusing on anything that doesn't revolve around his current misery, moans about how he gave Kelly an engagement ring...but she didn't say yes. They discuss living arrangements and possibly selling the house. Papa Walsh asks Brandon if he's really sure he wants to get married, and Brandon petulantly asks him if he's really sure he wants to move to Hong Kong. Grow up, idiot.


Beach house. Kelly puts on the engagement ring and stares at it...and then studies the plane ticket. After a few contemplative seconds, she takes the ring off and puts it back in the box and places it, along with the travel ticket, under her pillow and goes to sleep.


Jesse is driving a blindfolded Ahn-drea to the secret location of her goodbye party, which ends up being the campus of West Beverly High: the place where it all began. The gang is already there, setting up the food...and a student approaches Donna and asks her if she's Donna Martin of the hilarious "Donna Martin graduates!" fiasco. Donna confirms she is, and the girl says she'll always remember her as the senior who threw up at prom...but Donna corrects her and clarifies that she was the senior who passed out at prom, 'cause yeah that's less embarrassing. After that, Mrs. Teasley comes over to say hello, and there's a lot of gushing and nostalgic hugs...and then Gil Meyers makes a brief, pointless appearance to coo over Hannah and congratulate Ahn-drea on finally becoming a Yalie. Donna, meanwhile, wonders aloud where Brandon and Dylan are, and Kelly tells her that since they're both in a foul mood due to the current battle for her affection, it's doubtful either of them will show.


Ray makes an unexpected appearance, which pleases Donna but irks David and Clare. David snidely jokes that maybe Pumpkin Head brought along his guitar and will serenade them. Hee! The gang greets Ray with half-hearted enthusiasm, and Kelly offers him a piece of cake, but he tells her that he and Donna can't stay long. Donna's like, "Wuh?" and tells him she just arrived, and that she and the girls were going to hang at Ahn-drea's place after the party. Ray scowls and mutters, "Busy schedule" and storms off like the baby he is. Donna runs after him, to the dismay of everyone witnessing the embarrassing spectacle, and begs him - begs him! - not to be angry with her. OMFG. He snaps back, "But I am angry!" and she tells him she hates it when he gets like this, so then he calls her selfish and spoiled. She tears up and says she won't go to Ahn-drea's place after all, and he spits back, "Don't do me any favors." There's really no way to win with such an angry Pumpkin Head. Ray snarls that he's sick of her and her spoiled rich friends, so she gets angry and shrieks, "Don't call me!" and he vows not to, then squeals off in his dilapidated red truck.


The Walsh house. Valerie brings Brandon a sandwich to munch on while he studies for his finals. She asks him if Kelly has responded to his proposal yet, and he says no...and freely admits that it's killing him. Valerie tells him that Kelly is just stringing him along and that she hopes Kelly chooses Dylan 'cause he (Brandon) deserves a lot better. I don't know 'bout that.


Beach house. Donna's on the beach house deck, staring contemplatively out at the ocean. Kelly comes out to join her and she laments, "Why does it always have to be so hard?" and Kelly says it's 'cause they fall in love with real (also dickish) people, not fantasies. Donna complains that everything is always about what Ray needs or wants...and Kelly says that that describes the men she generally finds herself hooked up with, even St. Brandon. Case in point: he skipped Ahn-drea's goodbye party 'cause he was feeling bummed about their non-engagement. As for Dylan, his self centeredness knows no bounds and has been repeatedly documented and referenced throughout dozens of my recaps. Donna asks Kelly if Brandon or Dylan were ever mean to her, and Kelly just says that Dylan can be a moody prick, but usually only when he's drunk. Donna says that Ray often hurts her feelings and puts her down...and when she's with him she doesn't know who she is or what she wants. Sounds like Pumpkin Head is in desperate need of a dumperoo. Kelly tells her it's perfectly natural to let go of a part of herself to be with someone else (um...it's not, actually) but advises her not to completely lose her own identity. Well d'yuh - that kind of goes without saying.


The Peach Pit. Jesse and Ahn-drea stop by their favorite diner one last time before hitting the road forever. Yiiiippppeeeee!!!!! Ahn-drea is stunned to find the whole gang waiting - and this time Brandon and Dylan are there. Ahn-drea tears up and starts babbling to Hannah about how she's going to tell her stories about the many good times she had with the gang...and then Hannah will be expected to pass along the stories to her children, and her children's children. She then pulls a term paper out of her diaper bag and hands it to Steve. (I still don't get that whole thing.) Steve, however, didn't think she'd have to time to do his homework for him, so he actually wrote the paper himself. Hurray for Steve for figuring out how to function like a grown-up university student. Nat presents Ahn-drea with a framed original menu as a memento, and Ahn-drea gets choked up and tells everyone she'll miss them. She then addresses each person individually - in Wizard of Oz style - to say a few special, customized words. She credits Dylan with saving her marriage (kind of a stretch), quietly urges Kelly to marry Brandon (definitely not her business), and tells Donna she's the closest thing to a saint she knows (so utterly vomit inducing). Finally, it's time for her and her brood to leave, and everyone heads out to the parking lot as the Zuckerman-Vasquez clan climbs into their car and hits the road forever. As Jesse pulls away, Ahn-drea has a series of flashbacks and stares out the window sadly.


Back at the Pit, Steve sanctimoniously declares that he's turning in the paper he wrote, even though Ahn-drea's is probably better...and after he ambles off, Kelly is left alone with her two boneheaded admirers. She chastises them for making her life very difficult lately, but assures them she loves them both. She returns the engagement ring to Brandon and tells him she can't accept it, then gives Dylan back the travel ticket and says she can't/won't go on the trip. She announces, "I choose me" - which is nonsensical, as it clarifies nothing - and says she'll love them both until her dying day, and then strolls off.


Um, Ok then.

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