Recap: Dylan and Steve are chillin' in the hotel when an ashen-faced Josie drops by to inform Dylan that her deranged brother Shane may have done something crazy...and by crazy, she means he kidnapped Noah. Dylan doesn't seem to buy her tale and mumbles, "This isn't a good time", so Josie reminds him how desperate Shane was when he begged him for money to cover her 90K worth of flushed blow during the previous episode...then adds a veiled threat about how Shane is aware that he has a goddaughter. Steve pales at the mention of his infant daughter and is all, "Huh? What's that now?"
Dylan and Steve race over to the After Dark...and while they're en route, Steve calls Janet to make sure that she and Maddy are OK. He breathes a sigh of relief when she assures him that she and baby are both fine.
Beach house. Matt tells Kelly he wants them to be contestants on a game show called Lover's Lane 'cause apparently every Season 10 episode must have a mind numbing, useless subplot to serve as filler. Lover's Lane is like The Newlywed Game, where couples answer questions about each other and get points if the answers match up. Janet and Donna think it sounds like an awesome idea and urge the two to give it a go. While that's happening, Dylan calls the beach house to ask if anyone there has seen Noah lately...and of course no one has. Steve calls David to see if Noah made it home, but gets the same answer.
Dylan and Steve pull into the After Dark parking lot and find Noah's jeep with the smashed windshield, and his keys still in the ignition. Dylan rushes inside the After Dark to look around, then runs back out and reports that no one's inside. Steve stares at the jeep worriedly and says he hopes this is all just a silly prank.
Noah is in some kind of warehouse that has a gas pump out front (?), and he's handcuffed to a pipe. When Shane tells him he plans to extort $1 million from Dylan for his safe return, he stares at Shane incredulously and points out that it's an unlikely payout 'cause he and Dylan aren't even friends. Shane shrugs and says it's worth a shot, since Dylan is worth $200 million. He is? I thought his wealth was more in the $20 million range. Shane scrunches his face all sinister-like and says he's going to give Dylan an ultimatum: either he pays $1 million or he (Noah) dies. After that, he and his henchman set up a camera on a tripod so they can film a hostage video and get this ransom storyline moving.
Now Wear This. Donna tells David that Camille agreed to watch the store on Valentine's Day, and David says he'll hang around and give her a hand. He gabbles about wanting to buy Camille a cashmere sweater for the romantic holiday, but Donna suggests he keep it simple and just give her a hand-made card, like the fugly one he once gave her.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan finds Josie in the hotel bar and asks her if she's learned anything more about what her lunatic brother has gotten himself into, and reminds her that kidnapping is a serious felony offence. Josie insists she doesn't know anything...then starts gabbling about how Shane starred in a sitcom when he was fifteen, earned $10,000 a week, and was under the illusion that his acting career would last forever. He's now twenty-eight and fixes cars for a living. I guess he blew threw all that money like the dumbass he is, instead of choosing to invest it wisely. Josie pulls out her cell phone, and Dylan grabs it and dials Shane's number. When Shane doesn't pick up, he leaves him a message to call him back asap.
Now Wear This. Gina drops by to tell Donna that Papa Martin finally called her and invited her out to dinner...then realizes he was probably waiting for Felice to go out of town to connect with her. What a ball-less douche he is. Donna gushes about what a super awesome guy he is, and predicts what he'll order for dinner. Gina says that since she missed having a dad for so long, she's hoping he truly does turn out to be super awesome.
Beach house. Matt and Kelly are hanging with Donna and Janet as they watch Lover's Lane on TV...and it looks like a really stupid show. Kelly makes a face and says she has no desire to make a spectacle of herself on this inane freak show...but Matt's like, "Yeah, whatever", while Donna and Janet offer to coach them to success. When the couple on the TV wins the $25,000 grand prize, Kelly perks up and suddenly gets interested.
Restaurant. Gina and Papa Martin are out for their dinner, and Papa Martin gushes about what a talented figure skater she is. Gina changes the subject and tells him that Bobbi told her it was his idea to keep her paternity a secret...and Papa Martin explains that he told Bobbi he'd support any decision she made, which apparently was to keep quiet about the whole blechy thing. Gina tells him that lots of dads used to come to the ice rink to watch their daughters skate and always looked so proud, then sadly says she used to pretend that one of them was her proud dad. She complains that she doesn't know what she's supposed to call him, so he suggests John...and she bobs her head in agreement as the waitress arrives with their food.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Shane calls Dylan to inform him that he's going to need to pony up $1 million in exchange for Noah's life, and that he just sent him an email. Dylan rushes over to his laptop and opens an email titled Noah's immediate future, which contains the hostage video featuring a handcuffed Noah, along with Shane barking instructions about when and where to deliver the cash. After that, he references The Deer Hunter and points a pistol at Noah's head and pulls the trigger. When a bullet doesn't blow Noah's head off, the camera zooms in on his face, and he looks extremely wigged out by his bewildering predicament.
The next morning, Dylan and Steve rewatch the hostage video. Dylan says he's decided to do the right thing and make a million dollar withdrawal - but doesn't want to go to the police. He nods in his annoying world weary manner and says, "I know guys like Shane. I can deal with him." Steve scrunches his face concernedly and warns him that his "superhero complex" is going to get someone killed.
Lover's Lane. Kelly, Matt, Donna, and Janet are hanging out in a waiting room when a production assistant enters and gives them tips on how to interact in front of the camera. Kelly says she suddenly feels ill and dashes to the nearest bathroom to throw up...and Janet rushes out after her. Donna impulsively decides why not fill in for Kelly?, then fake canoodles Matt and tells the production assistant she's Kelly. Incidentally, the couple they'll be competing against - Judy and Ron - are wearing matching sweater vests and look extremely perky and perfectly in sync with one another.
Warehouse. Shane announces that he's leaving to briefly run an errand, and Noah snarls, "Go to hell." After he leaves, Noah asks the henchman who's guarding him to turn up the volume on the TV he's watching...and the henchman's like, "Sure, no problem", then settles back into his La-Z-boy recliner. Noah uses the loudness of the TV to try to wiggle the pipes in an effort to break free.
Martin house. Gina drops by to deliver a stack of frozen dinners for Papa Martin to eat while Felice is away...and is dismayed when she sees that the freezer is already filled with a dozen of his favorite frozen dinners. Papa Martin thanks her and says he'd really like their relationship to work, and she gets strangely prickly and snarks, "Then maybe call me more than just once every two months!" and storms off.
Lover's Lane. Judy and Ron are doing well, as are Donna and Matt. Donna correctly guesses that, aside from their bed, the favorite place for Matt and Kelly to doink is his law office, which is kind of ew for his clients. If he had any.
Now Wear This. Camille's ex-boyfriend, a hottie named Rick, comes by for a private talk with Camille. The two step out into the courtyard...and David watches them from inside the store and gets all distracted as he rings in customers. Rick presents Camille with a watch, but she declines to accept it, then returns to the store to tell David that she needs to spend more one-on-one time with Rick. As the two saunter off together, David stares after them forlornly.
Lover's Lane. Ron is asked about the one thing he'd change about Judy, so he says, "The mole on her face" which seemed like a really bad answer. When Judy is asked the question, she guesses her sense of humor...and when she finds out what Ron said, she shrieks, "It's a beauty mark!" This setback means that if Matt and Donna can get the next question right, they'll win the $25,000. The host asks Matt who Kelly's best friend is, and he proudly says, "Me!" ... but, unfortunately, Donna's answer is, "Donna Martin!" Matt glares at the camera in annoyance, while Kelly (who's watching in the waiting room) mutters, "Oops."
Beverly Hotel Royale. Dylan has been to the bank and now has a large duffel bag filled with cash. He grumbles that he doesn't even like Noah - but that several people he cares about seem to like the guy, so it's probably worth the trouble to save his life. Josie arrives to accompany Dylan to Las Vegas, where Shane claims he's holding Noah...but as soon as they reach the underground parking lot, Josie pulls a gun on Dylan and coldly says, "Sorry." A van pulls up and Shane jumps out the back, points his gun at Dylan, and orders him into the vehicle. He then tells Josie to grab the bag o' money and cackles, "We're all going for a ride!"
On the way home from the Lover's Lane taping, Kelly and Matt are glum 'cause all they won was a bread maker. Donna apologizes for not giving the correct answer to the best friend question, but Kelly points out, "You are my best friend" and Matt scrunches his face angrily and mumbles something bitchy 'cause he's a big stupid baby.
Van. Josie and Shane open the duffel bag and salivate over the bundles of cash. Dylan snarks that they're going to get caught and demands that he and Noah be released, but no one replies.
Now Wear This. Gina drops by to talk to Donna, but David tells her she's currently tied up with the inane Lover's Lane subplot. He asks her what she thinks it means if a woman saunters off with her hot ex-boyfriend for longer than two hours, and Gina tells him that Camille and her ex-hottie are probably going at it in the sack right now. She then asks David to pass along a message to Donna about Papa Martin: "I tried and I failed, as usual."
Beach house. Kelly tells Donna that Matt is irked about how she confides in her about everything all the time, then wails, "You're my safety net!" and says she doesn't know how to function without a female BFF. Donna suggests she sort it all out with Matt...and Kelly grumbles that being married-to-be has its drawbacks.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Papa Martin drops by Gina's room to tell her he thought about what she snarked at him earlier. Gina complains that she feels like he has no room in his life for her, and adds that she hates calling him John. He says he'd be honored if she called him dad, and Gina tears up and says she would definitely like that.
The van arrives at the warehouse, and Dylan hops out, his hands cuffed behind him. Shane orders his henchman to cuff Dylan onto the pipes beside Noah, then decides they're probably both going to need killing 'cause he'd rather not face a prison term for kidnapping. Dylan and Noah are all, "Wha-a-a?!" and Josie scrunches her face concernedly at the prospect of committing a double murder.
Now Wear This. Camille returns from her lengthy tête-à-tête with Rick. She apologizes to David for taking so long, then explains that they broke up a long time ago and that Rick insists on giving her lavish gifts, which she hates. David glances over at the Valentine's Day gift he was just about to give to her and tells her it's for little Erin, and Camille's all, "Awww! How sweet!"
Martin house. Papa Martin is on the phone with Donna, panting and looking unhealthily sweaty as he explains that he's in the middle of a workout with Gina. He invites Donna to join them for dinner so he can spend Valentine's Day with both of his daughters, and Donna says she's game. Papa Martin tells her to swing by at 6pm, and they'll all head out together.
Josie, Shane, and the henchman load up the van with the cash filled duffel bag, and then Shane starts gassing up the tank. Inside the warehouse, Noah and Dylan have wiggled the pipes enough to free themselves...then attack the henchman, and find the keys to uncuff their wrists. Shane, meanwhile, tells Josie they're definitely going to have to kill Dylan and Noah, and Josie makes a face and says she doesn't approve. Dylan and Noah suddenly burst out of the warehouse and attack Shane, and he's all, "What the..?" and drops his cigarette near the gasoline pump. Noah punches the henchman a second time, while Josie lifts her gun in the air, fires a shot, and yells, "Stop it!" She reminds Shane that they're not killers...and while she's saying that, gasoline is seeping to where Shane's still-lit cigarette is smoldering. When the gasoline reaches the cigarette and bursts into flames, Dylan uses the distraction to grab the gun from Josie while everyone else flees the blaze. Noah runs back to the van to retrieve the duffel bag, then leaps super high in the air to escape the explosion. He throws the bag at Dylan, who has the gun pointed at the three kidnappers.
The Walsh house. Kelly tells Matt that Lover's Lane is an idiotic show, and he's like, "Well d'yuh" then tells her he respects her friendship with Donna. Kelly says she totally gets that things have to change now that they're getting married, then presents him with a Valentine's Day gift: her private journal. That's kind of a dumb gift. He declines the offer to read her innermost thoughts 'cause he doesn't want to violate her privacy, and she's like, "OK, you just passed up gold" and he pretends to change his mind, and chases her around the living room to get it back. Nope, still no convincing chemistry there.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan and Noah debrief Steve about the weird shit that happened to them this episode, then say they're going to have to testify at the kidnappers' trial. Noah is still wigged out from the traumatic experience and stares out the window at the city lights.
Martin house. When the doorbell rings, Gina yells at Papa Martin to answer it...and when he doesn't respond, she rushes over to the foyer and finds him unconscious on the floor. She screams, "Nooooo!" and checks for a pulse, then runs and answers the door and finds Donna standing there. She shrieks that Papa Martin isn't breathing, then runs to the nearest phone to call 911. Donna races to where her dad is laying and hovers over him while tearfully crying, "Stay with me!"