Recap: Brenda is hosting a slumber party, but it's very uncool in Beverly Hills to use the term slumber party, so she's referring to it as a night of female bonding. During the bonding, the gals will wear their pajamas, load up on empty calories, gab all night, and then doze off in sleeping bags. Like they would if they were at a slumber party.
The Blaze newsroom. Ahn-drea tells Brandon that she's attending "a women's conference" at his house that evening. Calling a sleepover a women's conference is stupid, but I'm going to let that one go because I'm far more troubled by how Ahn-drea suddenly became close enough friends with Brenda, Kelly, and Donna to be included in a sleepover. Also, what happened to Ahn-drea's peevish attitude toward just about everything, but in particular the vapid student body at West Beverly that, by default, includes Donna and Kelly? Four episodes ago, Ahn-drea would never have been invited to any sleepover at the Walsh house.
In the hallway at West Beverly, Kelly is gravely concerned that people might mistake Brenda's night of female bonding for a slumber party. And by 'people', she means her friend Amanda Peyser, a popular senior. Kelly had made plans to spend the evening with Amanda, but it appears as though she's simply blown off these plans to go to the slumber party. Brenda assures Kelly that Amanda is more than welcome to join their bedtime bonding session...and David Silver, who is doing his usual eavesdropping on Kelly's conversations, tells Scott that this girls only party is where he's going to need to be that evening.
The Walsh house. Brandon wisely plans to steer clear of the female bonding, so he's hanging out with Steve for the evening. On his way out, he lets in Kelly and Donna, who are carrying sleeping bags and have their sleeping attire in overnight bags. Kelly grumbles that she still thinks it's weird for them to be hanging around in their pajamas, and she informs everyone that Amanda Peyser will be stopping by a little later. Amanda is purposely bringing her own vehicle so she can make a run for it as soon as someone breaks out the s'mores.
Steve, Steve's Corvette, and Brandon go to an exclusive L.A. Club. Steve has high hopes of getting himself laid, while Brandon is mostly worried about how two very underage-looking guys will be able to get into the dance club.
The Walsh house. Ahn-drea has arrived, and the music is blaring. The girls are flailing around the living room when Mama Walsh brings in some snacks - and then she gets coerced into flailing around with them. She really busts a move, and after about thirty seconds of this enforced, girls only gaiety, I'm ready for it stop. So is Amanda Peyser, who has let herself into the Walsh house, and is standing in the doorway of the living room. Her expression is a funny mixture of amusement, distaste, and dismay. Kelly notices her standing there and rushes over to greet her. Amanda makes it clear she has no desire to stay at the Walsh house; she wants Kelly to leave with her so they can go to a frat party. Kelly turns her down, saying that she promised Brenda she'd stay for the sleepover. Grudgingly, Amanda agrees to stay for at least a few hours.
In the kitchen, everyone is loading up on junk food - except for Amanda, who's sitting at the table and glaring at them in disgust. When Brenda offers her some ice cream, she turns it down and bitchily implies that they all look like pigs at the trough. After an uncomfortable pause, Brenda responds with a good-natured oink and the girls continue with their pigfest.
Dance club. Steve and Brandon attempt to bribe their way into the club, but the bouncer wasn't born yesterday and correctly guesses they're teenagers and turns them away. Steve is disappointed and remarks to Brandon how much he hates being underage. They get back into the Corvette and spot two girls who've just exited the club. One is blonde, the other is brunette, and both are dressed like tacky hookers. They approach the Corvette and complain to Steve and Brandon about the deadness of the club. Blondie is overly impressed with the Corvette, and when she compliments Steve on its awesomeness, the girls are invited to cram themselves into the tiny car.
Blondie suggests that they drive to a secluded parking lot to hang out, which is a very weird suggestion coming from a young woman. But since the brains of Steve and Brandon are momentarily being overruled by their dongs, they agree that hanging out in a dark, deserted parking lot is a fabulous idea.
The Walsh house. After the junk food feast, the girls are too stuffed and bloated to move. They can't agree on what to do next - except for Donna, who wants to rent Pretty Woman. She admits to being inspired by the idea of running away and becoming a hooker on Hollywood Blvd, which reminds me of a shit-tastic made for TV movie I once saw called Co-ed Call Girl. It (funnily enough) starred Tori Spelling as a college student who becomes an escort and soon finds herself in peril. The movie's awfulness was fairly entertaining. Brenda puts the kibosh on any movie-watching, 'cause they're supposed to be spending the night bonding, not watching the glorification of hookers on TV. Amanda is sitting there brooding, hatred radiating from her narrowed eyes. When she manages to get a moment alone with Kelly, she begs her to leave so the two of them can go to the frat party. Kelly firmly declines, clearly determined to ride out the slumber party to its conclusion.
The next item on the party agenda is a seance. Ahn-drea brings over a ouja board so they can summon any spirits who have nothing better to do than be caught dead at this lame sleepover - pun intended. The girls put their hands on the ouja pointer thing, and it immediately spells I am here, which freaks them out. Ahn-drea is convinced that her dead grandmother is in the room, and I'm convinced that Amanda purposely spelled this phrase just to mess with their heads. Suddenly they see flashes of light being transmitted to them by Ahn-drea's granny's ghost! No, wait - it's just David Silver taking flash photos of the girls through the windows. Ew, David. Are you a creepy voyeur now?
Amanda is growing increasingly incensed about missing the frat party and tells the girls that since they've ruined her night, she's now going to ruin theirs. Because they've been holding a gun to her head all evening, forcing her to stay. Amanda wants to play Skeletons in the Closet, which is really just Truth or Dare without the dare part. One person sits in the center of a circle and has to answer all questions honestly. Ahn-drea immediately looks worried and says this game doesn't sound like a good idea. Um, no, it probably isn't a good idea - particularly if you're not planning to just lie about everything. Kelly volunteers to go in the center first, which is fair enough since she's the one who's responsible for bringing this gloomy gus to the slumber party.
Secluded parking lot. Steve has paired himself off with Blondie, while Brandon is getting cozy with Brunette. Both couples are simultaneously making out in the cramped Corvette, which is a very ew thing to do, even for horny teenagers. After Blondie's put in enough kissing time, she tells Steve she wants to drive his car. By this time, Steve's penis is ready to burn a hole through his pants, so he immediately orders everyone out of the car so that Blondie can take it for a spin. She motors around the parking lot very slowly at first, grinding the gears painfully before calling for Brunette to get in with her. She then burns rubber and squeals the hell out of there, leaving Steve and Brandon in the parking lot...staring in disbelief at the cloud of dust left by the tires of the Corvette. After an hour passes, the girls still haven't returned. Steve clings onto the futile hope that he might still receive some penile relief, and patiently awaits the return of Blondie and his car. Brandon, however, fully grasps that they've just been scammed and wants to report the theft to the police...but he only makes it a few feet before the sound of Steve's pitiful sniffling forces him to turn back. Steve accurately admits that he's a moron, but he's also terrified about what his father will say when he finds out about the stolen car. As the tears roll, he makes Brandon swear that he won't tell anyone at school what happened.
The Walsh house. Kelly is in the middle of the Skeletons in the Closet circle. Donna and Brenda ask her some easy-ball questions, which pisses off Amanda. She wants more intensity! More scandal! This girl has serious issues. Ahn-drea dutifully steps up to the plate and asks Kelly about her first sexual experience, and Kelly cheerfully tells them about the first time she and Steve exchanged bodily fluids. Ew. But this doesn't satisfy Amanda, who orders Kelly to talk about the real first time, not Kelly's re-written sexual history first time. And so begins Kelly's tearful monologue about a popular jock she had a crush on, who took her into the woods, doinked her without the courtesy of a blanket, and never spoke to her again. Talk about a party mood killer. It's fairly obvious that Amanda meant for this sad tale to embarrass Kelly - which in itself is very strange because we were led to believe that she and Kelly are old friends - but the incident says so much more about the heartless guy in the scenario. And I really don't get why the girls are passively allowing this malevolent creature to completely hijack their slumber party and order them around like a drill sergeant. Maybe Brenda should have let Donna rent Pretty Woman after all.
Now Ahn-drea is in the middle of the circle. Amanda immediately asks why everyone is forced to call her AHHHN-drea...and she pronounces it really sarcastically, which I have to admit is a little bit funny because I've always hated this way of pronouncing "Andrea". Even Kelly chimes in that it's pretty pretentious. Ahn-drea explains that the more common pronunciation, Anne-drea, is too boring, and she likes to be different. With that unsatisfactory answer under our belts, Amanda asks Ahn-drea if she's ever slept with anyone. After some nervous laughter, Ahn-drea admits that she hasn't yet had her cherry popped, so Kelly adds a little fuel to the fire and asks her if she could sleep with any guy in school, who would it be? Hmm, I wonder who it could be...is it someone whose name rhymes with Frandon?
Ahn-drea starts to ramble incoherently about some hunky lifeguard she met last summer that she'd totally do...a story that nobody buys. Finally, Kelly helpfully interjects with "Brandon?" Ahn-drea immediately looks embarrassed and insists she would not do it with Brandon, and that he's just a friend. Suddenly it registers to Amanda which guy they're talking about, and so she asks Ahn-drea if Brandon is the guy she's always walking down the hall with, batting her "big cow eyes" at. Hee! While Ahn-drea tries to play dumb, Amanda laughs and informs her that the whole school knows about her un-reciprocated infatuation with Brandon, which Kelly confirms. Red-faced, Ahn-drea finally admits that - yes - given the option, she would do the horizontal mambo with Brandon. Ew.
The police station. Steve and Brandon report the Corvette stolen, but the officer handling this incident isn't too impressed with their story. He tells them it sounds like Blondie had consent to take the car, and so Steve will have to wait forty-eight hours to report it officially stolen. A short while later, Brandon is just about to call Mama Walsh for a ride home when the officer tells him and Steve that his Corvette has just been found. Blondie was picked up for speeding...and a bunch of other stuff. They'll be arriving at the police station soon.
Donna is now in the circle, but she's proving to be a giant bore. She can't think of anything dishonest or remotely scandalous she's ever done, and Amanda accuses her either of lying or being a total zero. It's the latter. Donna is pretty much a total zero during a good chunk of the series. Amanda's remark raises the ire of Brenda's inner bitch, who finally finally! joins the slumber party and snaps at her for insulting her friend.
The police station. Blondie and Brunette were pulled over, and are now being brought in by the cops. Blondie explains to Steve that they got lost and couldn't find their way back to the parking lot. Steve is still holding out hope for a little boner action and desperately wants to believe this obvious lie - but Brandon is no longer horny and knows the girl is lying. They learn from the officer that Blondie has a warrant out for her arrest, and like the moron Steve knows he is, he pays her bail. Outside the police station, Blondie doodles some gibberish on a piece of paper and hands it to Steve as though it's her phone number. When she runs off into the night, he finally realizes that he's been scammed. By roaming free, Steve is surely depriving some village of its idiot.
The Walsh house. Brenda is now in the center of the circle. She recounts a story from her previous life in Minnesota when she and her friends stole swimming trunks from some skinny dipping boys. Amanda laughs, but only because she considers the story boring and lame. Inner Bitch snaps at Amanda to shut up, and tells her she's been acting like a total bitch since the minute she got there. Amanda fake apologizes, but makes it clear she wants to know a whole lot more about Brenda's shameless secrets. And so Brenda feels compelled to obey, and tells everyone about how she kissed the guy her best friend was dating and how it immediately ruined their friendship. Kelly then starts to look sheepish, and sees this as an opening to admit that soon after Brenda started seeing Dylan, she tried to get a date with him. Wait - really? When did that happen? And more importantly, why didn't the Beverly Hills, 90210 cameras capture that juicy moment for all of us to enjoy? Brenda (pot) starts freaking out that Kelly (kettle) put the moves on her boyfriend. So then Kelly's hackles get raised and she bluntly informs Brenda that ever since she's been dating Dylan, she's developed a side of her personality that's completely unbearable. You go, girl! Donna, the Total Zero, chimes in to agree that Brenda is a bit stuck up. Oh girls, you're so right - but 'twas ever thus. Brenda's bitchy stuck-uppedness has been around long before she started dating Dylan...it's just taken you this long to notice.
Stupid Ahn-drea then ruins a perfectly dishy snipe-fest to tell them how disgusted she is with their gossiping. Hey dummy, you're a teenager at a slumber party, where gossip is currency. If you don't like it, go home and sleep in your own bed. Ahn-drea starts sniffling and whining that she wants to leave, which prompts Kelly and Donna to say that they're ready to leave also. But Brenda urges them to stay, and points out that Amanda still has to sit in the center and reveal her skeletons in the closet. Amanda just chuckles in response, snarking that she wouldn't tell any of them anything private about herself. Exactly. Kelly, Donna, Brenda and Ahn-drea should feel very dumb about revealing all that personal mush, but somehow it's brought the four of them closer and they all hug it out.
The touching moment only irritates Amanda further, and she stalks out of the house. The girls eventually notice her disappearance along with the purse she left behind. Donna picks it up, clumsily drops it, and a small pharmacy of diet pills spill out and scatter across the carpet. They're staring at the pills in shock when Amanda returns for her purse. She's angry and embarrassed that her pill popping habit is now quite literally out of the bag. Defensively she tells the girls that she takes them because she used to be an unsightly chubbo when she was younger and, after she lost weight, she vowed never to be unsightly or a chubbo again.
Kelly tells her that the pills have altered her personality and turned her into a total bitch. I guess we'll have to take her word for that, since we really don't know what Amanda's personality was like in her pre-pill popping days...though something tells me she had a cunty attitude before starting on her journey of drug abuse. The discovery of her secret has softened Amanda, and she admits to being a bitch. This in turn softens Brenda, who urges her to stay, as do the rest of the girls.
And then what happened in Beverly Hills, they say
Is that Amanda's grinchy heart grew three sizes that day!
And when Donna gets up and heads toward the kitchen to find some more cookies, Amanda smiles and asks her to bring the whole box. Comfort food that will go straight to her thighs.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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