Recap: As Maddy cries pitifully from her crib, Steve tells Janet he wants to wean her off of expecting one of them to pick her up every time she makes a fuss. He then tells her how bummed he is about his idiot brother who went from being a straight A student in high school [which I find utterly laughable, considering how hard the writers have worked to convince viewers of how stupid and buffoonish Steve's halfwit, half-brothers are] to being a college dropout. Steve and Janet enter the kitchen, where Ryan is eating, and urge him to return to Amherst College. Steve suggests he write a letter to the dean to explain the situation...which is what, exactly? Sorry I partied so hard I couldn't attend any of my classes. Please reinstate me. Ryan refuses to talk about it and stalks out of the room.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Jack tells Dylan he's been in the witness protection program for the last seven years, and describes it as "being under the thumb of a U.S. Marshal". He then recounts the Season 3 episode where he fake died, and explains that after the car exploded and Dylan was screeching either "Jaaack!" or "Daaad!" (couldn't tell which), an FBI agent pulled him into a van, drove him to an undisclosed location...and then the process of giving him a new identity began. Jack tells Dylan that Kelly called him after they tracked him to Tolleson (nice job hiding him, FBI) and that he can only stay in L.A. for a few days. Dylan glares at him hatefully and barks, "Get out!" and Jack stops babbling and silently exits the room.
Now Wear This. Kelly is gabbling to Donna and Camille about the press kits she sent to various fashion publications in advance of the boutique soiree she's planning to help promote the merchandise. Camille tells Kelly she should sweeten the deal for the press with some extra perks and favors, but Donna and Kelly insist that the Donna Martin originals are more than enough to attract them. David enters the store to excitedly announce that he has an interview with a radio station in New York. Apparently, someone found his self-piteous nattering about his women problems from the After Dark DJ booth entertaining and thought he'd be a good addition to their team. He gives Camille a quick kiss, then rushes home to pack. Camille stares after him and glumly mutters, "If he gets the job, we're finished."
Matt has finally scored a client, and it's an unfunny comedian named Stuart who was fired by a club manager after performing only one night despite being hired for a six week stint. As Matt explains the legal process and tells him it looks like a simple case of breech of contract, Stuart is nervously blurting out a series of badly delivered one-liners. Matt tries not to cringe and says, "Talent is subjective" ... though in this case it appears to not be.
Beach house. Kelly arrives home and finds Dylan waiting for her on the patio. He snarks at her for going behind his back and calling Jack...and she concedes that she may have overstepped, but urges him to go to Jack and tell him everything he's ever wanted to say, even if it's just, "Goodbye forever, ya jerk."
After Dark. A pretty young woman sitting at the bar tries to get Noah's attention so she can order a drink...and he only gives her the time of day after Ryan chirps, "Yo, Noah! Over here!" The young woman thanks Ryan, introduces herself as Sheila, and invites him to join her and her friends at their table. After she sashays off, Noah asks Ryan how things are going at Amherst College, and Ryan grimly retorts, "It's not." He says he'd be totes into getting a bartending gig, and Noah invites him to hop over the bar and begin his new career. Matt, meanwhile, tries to entertain Donna and Kelly with one of Stuart's jokes...but when it goes over like a lead balloon, Matt throws in the towel and steers Kelly over to the dance floor. David joins Donna and asks her if Camille said anything to her about his New York interview, and Donna blabs that Camille said she's worried that it's too soon for their relationship to survive being long distance. A few seconds later, Camille comes over and smooches with David...and Donna stares over at them wistfully.
Dylan goes to Jack's motel room to tell him how pissed off he is at him for letting him believe he's been dead all these years. In the middle of his rant, Jack's wife Lisa calls to say hey, and he assures her that everything's A-OK on his "business trip". Jack tells Dylan that Lisa knows he's in witness protection (otherwise it'd be too hard to explain why a U.S. Marshal keeps hanging around) but that he hasn't told her anything about his previous life, e.g. the existence of his eldest son. Dylan self-piteously snarks about being low on his list of priorities and storms out of the room.
The Walsh house. Ryan announces to Janet and Steve that he just got a job at the After Dark and that he's going to start crashing at Noah's place. Steve's all, "Wha-a?" and scrunches his face in disapproval.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Kelly drops by to ask Dylan how things went with Jack, so Dylan pissily tells her that Jack hasn't acknowledged his existence to his new family, then admonishes her for forcing this father-son reunion on him. A few seconds later, Jack calls and tells him he urgently needs to talk to him tonight.
David calls Now Wear This from his hotel room in New York and tells Donna that his job interview got postponed to tomorrow. He then asks to speak with Camille so she can coo about how much she misses him...and while she's doing that, Donna stares sadly into space.
Court room. The prosecutor orders Stuart to deliver a joke so that the jury can determine how unfunny he is and call it a day with this dumb case. Stuart starts to tell a joke about peanuts but forgets the punchline, and a weary looking Matt requests a continuance.
Steve drops by the After Dark to admonish Ryan for his shitty life choices and that he doesn't want him to end up like Noah, who passed up attending Harvard to serve drinks to spoiled rich kids...and he says this with Noah standing a few feet away. Steve orders Ryan to get his stuff and return to Casa Walsh with him, but Ryan tells him to go pee up a rope and says he's happy at the After Dark.
Beach house. Kelly bitches to Donna about Camille's haughty 'tude, and Donna concedes that she can be very pushy. Kelly then remarks that she's noticed that she and David aren't hanging out as much as they used to, and Donna says they've cooled things off with their friendship 'cause Camille didn't like her hovering over David so much...and Kelly scrunches his face with disdain.
Dylan and Jack are ambling along the beach under the careful watch of Jack's U.S. Marshal minder. Jack urges him to join him and his family in witness protection...and when Dylan declines, Jack says he's going to abandon government protection so they can be together. A car suddenly drives by, and the U.S. Marshal tells Jack they're going to have to move along 'cause it could represent a threat. Jack asks Dylan to think about what he said, then climbs into the car and is driven off to safety.
Casa David. Noah is browsing through one of Ryan's chemistry textbooks...and when Ryan staggers into the kitchen a few minutes later, Noah tells him he's heard all about what a smart kid he's suddenly being passed off as. He cautions the lad about lost opportunities and tells him the sad tale of how he gave up an Ivy League education to slog it out behind the bar at the After Dark. He's kind of compressing the timeline on how his life as a bartender came to be, but whatever. He tells Ryan he doesn't want him to make a similar mistake, and Ryan stares contemplatively into space.
Beverly Royale Hotel. Jack drops by Dylan's room with coffee and apple fritters. Dylan chides him for not being more careful and worries that he could be recognized by whoever ordered the hit on him. Jack waves off his concern and says his enemies are either dead or in jail, and that he can afford to pay for a private security firm after he leaves the witness protection program.
After Dark. Matt is coaching Stuart on how to not totally suck as a comedian...and he's enlisted Kelly, Noah, and Ryan to serve as an audience. Stuart suddenly gets really nervous and chokes...and when Ryan delivers the punchline that Stuart appears to have forgotten, he miserably tells Matt he wants to drop the case 'cause he knows he has no future as a comedian. Good call.
The Walsh house. Steve is railing to Janet about Ryan again, and she reminds him that he too was on "the idiot track" while he was a student at CU...and has pretty much remained on that train ever since.
Beach house. David calls Donna to tell her that he got the DJ job in New York, and she says she's very happy for him...but then he suddenly gets all quiet and sad and says it just hit him that he's going to be moving across the country. He whimpers, "I'll miss you" and adds that he hasn't yet told Camille. Donna urges him to call her, and he assures her he will...after they chat some more.
Dylan stops by the beach house to tell Kelly that things are going much better with Jack, and thanks her for reuniting him with his dad. He tells her that Jack is planning to leave witness protection and hire a private security firm - and that for the first time in his life he doesn't feel the need to mope around in his usual morose, slovenly fashion. He stares at her creepily and leans in for a cheek kiss...but restrains himself from going further and mumbles, "Matt's a lucky guy." As he slouches off into the night, Kelly stares after him longingly.
Steve drops by Casa David to apologize to Noah for talking trash about his aimless life as a bartender...and Noah resists the urge to remind him that he writes fake tabloid trash for a living and is in no position to be judgey. When Ryan sleepily staggers into the room, Steve tells him it's A-OK with him if he makes his own decisions about whatever dead end job he wants to spend his life doing...and the two hug and exchange I love yous.
An FBI agent drops by Dylan's hotel room to ask him to please come with him. That can't be good.
Court room. Stuart is called to the stand, but Matt tells the judge he doesn't want to 'cause he's too intimidated. Matt then starts performing Stuart's standup routine...and even though it's just as lame and unfunny as if it were Stuart himself doing it, the judge, jury, and observers all bust a gut laughing. Amid the gales of laughter, Matt shocks everyone by revealing that he was merely delivering Stuart's material...and they gasp in surprise and are all, "Ooooh! Wha-a-a..?!" LOL.
Dylan is brought to the Federal Building to meet with Christine Pettit. She warns him that Jack is in imminent danger, and that she knows this 'cause she heard his name come up in surveillance chatter from two men he testified against. She sternly tells Dylan that it would be irresponsible for Jack to come out of witness protection, and that he needs to convince him to stay in the program for his own safety.
The Walsh house. Janet picks up a crying Maddy and defiantly tells Steve she's going to rock her to sleep from now on...and that if he doesn't like it he can suck on it. Ryan enters the nursery to announce that he's off to Europe. He's going to do some travelling, get some much needed perspective, then come back to L.A. and enrol himself in CU. I will assume that Rush is going to be financing this journey of self discovery. Janet congratulates him on his decision, and then Steve and Ryan head to the After Dark to party together one last time.
Motel. Jack is packing his suitcase when Dylan slouches into his room. He tells Jack that he just spoke to Christine, and she told him that two of the men he testified against now know he's in L.A. and are trying to find him so they can put a bullet in his brain. Jack looks defeated and says if he goes back into witness protection, the two of them will never see each other again...and Dylan's like, "Can do" and assures him he now has full closure and no longer feels any hatred toward him. He declines Jack's invitation to join him in witness protection, and the two share one last tearful hug.
Now Wear This. It's the night of the big publicity party, and the store is filled with a gaggle of fashion editors who have nothing better to do with their time than mill around racks of Donna Martin originals. Camille grumbles to Donna about David accepting the DJ job 'cause it means he'll be leaving town, and Donna points out that she's only known David a month - whereas his cast mates have known him his entire life and will have a much more difficult adjustment to make when he leaves. David, meanwhile, arrives at the mall and finds Dylan standing a few feet away from the store, creepily staring at Kelly. David chuckles knowingly and remarks, "You just can't shake some people" then stares at Donna and says he's decided not to take the job in New York after all. Dylan's like, "OK, whatever" and slouches off...and Camille spots David and makes a beeline over to him for a canoodle. As Donna watches the two rub up against each other, she tells Kelly that her latest breakup with David was stupid...and now knows this 'cause she's spent the last few years looking everywhere for a boyfriend and managed to find nothing better than the slim pickens she had in high school. She has suddenly come to the realization that David is all she's ever wanted, and moans, "I'm still in looooove with David.." while Kelly just stares at her vacantly.