Recap: Carrie runs into - ugh - Skipper, who bitches and moans to her about how women are always breaking up with him. We then get a needless series of flashbacks of his various breakups, including when Miranda told him she wanted to spend more time on her career. Skipper laments to Carrie about his horrible pattern of hooking up with women who are attracted to jerks, and speaking of horrible patterns... Miranda is dating Kevin, a perpetually angry lawyer who bitches and moans about everything all the time. As they stroll down the street together, he bitches about how much he hated the movie they just saw...then irritably hails a cab, and impatiently smacks Miranda's ass as she climbs into the back seat. When they get to Miranda's place and things take an implausibly romantic turn, he barks orders at her: put your hands above your head! Spread your legs! When he kisses her neck, she's somehow so turned on that she can't help herself from going wild...'cause while she generally hates being ordered around, she finds it hot when Kevin does it during sex. The next day, the gals get together for a picnic lunch in the park. Miranda tells them about how Kevin ordering her around is annoying except when they're in the sack, and exclaims, "It's totally hot!" Samantha suggests she limit her contact with him to just sex, and Miranda jokes, "Well there's a healthy relationship" as though she's ever actually embraced the notion of being in a healthy relationship. She explains that Kevin's going through a particularly stressful time 'cause he's trying to make partner at his firm - but Carrie insists she's just attracted to angry guys. Miranda counters by accusing Carrie of having an annoying pattern of expecting perfection from guys and having enormous expectations, and Samantha concurs and tells Carrie she wasted far too much time on Mr. Big, and that the most efficient way to find Mr. Right is to date a bunch of guys all at once. Carrie wryly says she'll know what to expect the next time she meets a forty-three year old emotionally unavailable man, and Miranda snaps, "Will you? Or will you just make the same mistake over again?" Carrie's in her apartment, contemplating whether or not they're all just victims of conditioned responses, doomed to repeat the same unconscious relationship dating patterns. She stares hopelessly into space for a few seconds, then types on her computer: Were we all, in fact, just dating the same person over and over again? Samantha hears her next door neighbors getting it on and is all, "Wha-a?" 'cause the idea that someone other than her having great sex and flaunting it was more than she could bear. She manages to get over it pretty quick, though, and decides, "If you can't join 'em, grin like an idiot, and start masturbating." 'Cause that's not weird at all. Carrie realizes that after her Big breakup, she was falling into some old patterns of her own: staying out until 3am, sleeping until noon, ordering greasy Chinese takeout...and calling a guy named John McFadden, aka her fuck buddy. She invites him out for "a drink", and he goes, "Great!" He arrives that evening, and they each down a glass of red wine before quickly hitting the sack. Post coitus, Carrie and John share small talk, which is awkward since they don't actually know a whole lot about each other. It suddenly dawns on Carrie that she has a "between relationships" pattern, meaning she always indulges in doinkfests with John after a breakup. She wonders why she never considered having a relationship with an easygoing guy like John, so she asks him out for dinner on Friday night, and he shrugs indifferently and goes, "Yeah, sure." An indignant Samantha tells Carrie it would be proposterous for her to turn her fuck buddy into a human being and go on dates with him. Charlotte scrunches her face in confusion and goes, "What's a fuck buddy?" and Samantha scrunches her face in disgust and goes, "Oh come on." Carrie explains that a fuck buddy is a guy with whom dating didn't go anywhere...but with whom sex is so great that you keep him on call. Turns out all the Sex and the City gals have one but Charlotte. Charlotte decides to buck her usual patterns and, for the first time in her life, asks a man she met in yoga class out to dinner. Carrie gets so inspired by Charlotte that she wonders whether or not she could break her bad patterns and have a meaningful relationship with a man she barely knows and has only ever had shallow sex with...'cause, yeah, that sounds like something worth pursuing. A few seconds later, John arrives at her apartment and starts smooching her - and she stops him and tells him she made reservations at a sushi restaurant. He stares down at her crotch and goes, "Cool!", and she's like, "No, we're really going out to an actual restaurant to eat sushi." He stares at her blankly with a discombobulated look on his face...and she awkwardly walks over to her bed to retrieve her purse. John isn't into sushi and orders chicken teriayki, then says he'll grab a burger if he gets hungry later. He and Carrie stumble through awkward banter, and then the two go back to his place for a quickie. She voice-overs that she needed a dose of good sex to erase the last two hours, then puzzles over how someone so stimulating in bed could be so tedious in life. Samantha is laying in bed with a glass of wine and a joint, waiting for her neighbors to start doing the wild thing. When the moaning starts on the other side of the wall, Samantha gets all into it and moans loudly...and when she taps the wall in the throes of masturbatory passion, her neighbors suddenly fall silent. The gals get together at a restaurant to meet Miranda's angry lawyer boyfriend and are waiting for him to arrive. Charlotte announces that she has a date with Yoga Guy later, and that she also has many other dates lined up...and Samantha nods approvingly and tells her she's starting to date like a man. A few seconds later, Kevin arrives, bitching about the incompetence of the cab driver. He barks at the waitress to bring him a beer, then excuses himself to make a phone call. Samantha says he seems tightly wound, and Miranda says she hopes he's able to unwind a bit once he makes partner, hopefully Tuesday. Kevin's beer arrives at the table, and Miranda carefully wipes it down so he won't "go off" on the waitress for daring to bring him a wet glass. Yikes. Charlotte is on her date with Yoga Guy, having fun banter about all the children they want to have someday. She suddenly checks her watch and realizes she's running late for date #2. She coughs and pretends she suddenly has a sore throat, and a concerned looking Yoga Guy asks for the check. Samantha gets a note from her horny neighbors, inviting her to "come over and say hello". She pokes her head in the hall and asks the custodian, Jesus, if he knows the couple who live next door...and if so, are they good looking. He nods and stammers, "Yes, very nice, very good." Sounds confidence inspiring. Charlotte returns to her building with Date #2 and kisses him good night...but while they're kissing, Yoga Guy exits her building and sees them kiss. He's all, "Wha-a?" and tells Charlotte he was just leaving her some chicken soup for her "sore throat". He sarcastically says, "I see you've healed" and tattles to Date #2 that he was the guy she had dinner with before him. Date #2 asks Yoga Guy if he'd like to share a cab, and as the two amble off together, Charlotte vows to never take dating advice from her idiot friends again. A scantily clad Samantha prances down the hall and knocks on her neighbors' door. When they answer, Samantha gasps at the sight of the portly, middle-aged uggos and pretends she came by to ask them if they'd mind keeping it down during their doinkfests, then rushes back to her apartment and moves her bed to the opposite wall. Miranda and Kevin are out, celebrating Kevin making partner at his law firm. She toasts his achievement, but he gets all snarky and bitchily retorts, "I'm falling all over myself with glee." He complains that he's now going to have to work harder for essentially the same pay - and a fed up Miranda snaps, "Can't we enjoy your success for one fucking second??" Kevin accuses her of living in Never Never Land, and doesn't get the kind of pressure he's under...then complains about suckiness of the champagne they're drinking. Miranda decides she's had enough of his bitchitude, tells him to never call her again, and walks out of the restaurant. Carrie voice-overs that in a weird twist, angry Kevin turned Miranda into a cock-eyed optimist. A few seconds later, Miranda runs into Skipper, who's like, "Ack!" and wisely breaks into a run. She calls after him, offering to buy him a drink, but he continues to hoof it. Carrie and John stroll back to her brownstone after going out to a movie. She wanted so badly to translate their passionate sex into at least a friendship, but when he leers at her and says, "Your tits look really great in that thing", it becomes painfully clear that a friendship between them is not to be. She declines to invite him in, and he's totally OK with that...and as the two kiss goodnight, Carrie voice-overs that she knew it was the last time they'd ever see each other. After that experiment gone awry, she throws herself back into her old patterns of staying out until 3am, sleeping until noon, eating greasy takeout...and feeling restless. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: I Will Survive plays in the background as Carrie voice-overs about how much she's pretending to loooove not being in a relationship - and that it frees her up to do other stuff, like clean her apartment and get caught up with friends. Unfortunately for her friends, getting "caught up" entails non-stop nattering from her about how faux sorry she feels for pitiful Mr. Big and that she was the best thing that ever happened to him, blah blah.. As Carrie continues to prattle endlessly to Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha about how Big "still has to be him" and will probably die old and alone, they stare at her piteously, clearly wondering when she might finally shut her pie-hole. When she notices their glazed-over expressions, she's like, "What?" so Samantha comes right out and says, "You're obsessed with talking about Big and frankly we can't take it anymore." Bwahaha! Carrie looks at them incredulously and asks if this is some kind of intervention...and when Miranda exclaims, "Yes!", Carrie poutishly says she figured that a breakup gave her free reign to whine to her friends about it with no end in sight. Miranda tells her there are numerous benefits to unloading on a shrink who gets paid to listen to this kind of nonsense, but Carrie wails, "I don't need professional help. I have you!" The gals set a firm boundary: she has ten more minutes to trashtalk Big before they cut her off for good. Carrie sulkily says she doesn't buy the whole "shrink thing" 'cause it seems so self-indulgent...but then agrees to consider getting the professional help she so desperately needs. Stanford, who has three shrinks of his own, tells Carrie it's no big deal to seek therapy, and quips, "Even the shrinks have shrinks." Carrie tells him that Miranda referred her to Dr. Ellen Greenfield, and Stanford squeals, "Dr. G!" and raves about how totes awesome she is. Miranda is relaxing at home, doing a crossword puzzle, when she notices a well proportioned man standing in front of the window in the building across the airshaft. She's all, "Ack!" and rushes into another room to hide. Two nights later, the two of them have another nocturnal rendezvous...and this time the guy waves at her. Soon this sexy stranger became a nightly playmate. A week later, Carrie goes to her first session with Dr. G. When the doctor asks her whassup, she sheepishly confesses, "My friends can't handle me anymore" and explains that she can't seem to stop herself from gabbling at them about her recent breakup. Dr. G asks her to talk about her ex-boyfriend, but Carrie smirks and says she's she's not sure she believes in therapy and has always been a solve-your-own-problems kind of gal. When an unimpressed Dr. G just stares at her expectantly, she gives in and describes Mr. Big as smart and sexy and a player of games she didn't know the rules of. Dr. G asks Carrie if this was the first time she ever dated a man who couldn't give her what she wanted - and Carrie admits that, nope, she frequently dates/hooks up with men who she well knows are ass-backwards wrong for her. Dr. G points out that the one thing all those men have in common is her, and suggests that she's the one who's making it a habit of picking the wrong type of man for herself. Carrie meets up with the gals and discusses her session with Dr. G. Samantha rolls her eyes and says, "Of course you're picking the wrong men. I could have told you that." Carrie mutters that she obviously picked the wrong therapist, 'cause Dr. G doesn't "get" her and thinks she's a game player. Well duh. Charlotte stupidly pronounces, "You have to be. It's the only way to deal with men" but Miranda argues that relationships are supposed to be about mature and honest communication. Carrie reminds her that indiscriminate male-bashing is what gives Sex and the City its edgy bitterness, then throws it in her face that she's currently playing peek-a-boo with her hot neighbor. Charlotte stupidly insists, "Games are empowering. If you know what you're doing, you can control the situation" but Samantha says the only place a woman can really control men is in bed, particularly via the blow job. Carrie looks exasperated and says, "I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me" and Samantha agrees that there are some pretty slim pickins' out there with so many losers in the dating pool. The gals enter a sports bar and stare in wonderment at all the heterosexual men loudly cheering at a televised basketball game. The four sit at a booth, and Samantha purrs about how she's getting a contact high from all the testosterone in the room. A waiter comes around and brings them a round of free beers and tells them that ladies drink for free on sports night. One of the men watching sports brazenly checks out Samantha, and she quickly makes a beeline over to him to see if he'd be up for a quickie. She joins him at the bar, motions to the TV and asks him who's playing, and he introduces himself as Don and says he's rooting for the Knicks. After that, he gets all in the game and cheers, and Samantha looks intrigued by his high level of passion and enthusiasm for the team. Eventually, the Knicks score and win the game...and in the next scene, Samantha and Don are in bed together, energetically bumping uglies. Back at her apartment, Carrie wonders if the games people play as children are primers for the games that adults play, which prompts her to ponder, "Was there such a thing as an honest relationship?" [Yes, Carrie. There was.] She then scrunches her face in deep contemplation as she taps out on her laptop: Do you have to play games to make a relationship work? [No, Carrie. You don't.] When Carrie shows up for her second appointment with Dr. G, she encounters a sexy young Jon Bon Jovi in the waiting room. They shyly say hi to one another...and then prior to her next appointment, Carrie gets all dolled up and arrives early. Jon Bon Jovi introduces himself to her and tells her he's been coming to Dr. G for a year, then asks her out to dinner. When Carrie accepts, he hands her his card and says, "Call me." Oh Jon.. Samantha is over at Carrie's apartment, watching basketball and cheering for the Knicks. When a puzzled Carrie asks Samantha when either of them started caring about sports, Samantha explains that Don is only up for sex when the Knicks win...and, unfortunately, they've been on a losing streak lately. A little while later the Knicks suddenly win, and Samantha lets out a whoop! and says she's off to Don's place to ride his baloney pony. Miranda is exhibiting herself to her sexy window pal. He motions at her to turn around, so she does her best to look seductive...and when he drops his pants to showcase his bare ass, she whips out a bare breast. Jon Bon Jovi and Carrie are out for dinner, having a great first date. She voice-overs that he seems like a guy she talk to about anything, then comes right out and says, "I like you" and he replies with an I like you too return. Oh Jon.. Miranda is at her neighborhood supermarket buying groceries when she spots her sexy neighbor in one of the aisles. Her first instinct is to hide, but then she bravely approaches him and says, "I thought I'd be an adult and introduce myself" and tells him that she's the one who's been flashing her private parts at him in front of her apartment window. The guy shoots her a look of distaste and disdainfully says, "Oh yeah, right. You're the girl who lives above the guy I've been cruising." Bwahaha! A mortified Miranda backs away from him and scuttles off...and the next day calls her shrink for an emergency therapy session. Samantha and Don are watching the Knicks' final game of the season...and when the Knicks win, they excitedly cheer. As Samantha prepares to lube herself up for another post-game romp, Don changes the TV channel to a Mets baseball game and immediately becomes totally immersed. A dismayed Samantha is all, "Wha-a?", decides there's no way she can last through another sexless sports season, and beats a hasty retreat. Carrie and Jon Bon Jovi are making out in the foyer of her apartment...and when she invites him in, he saucily says, "I think I already am." He checks out her apartment, sees that she has Twister, and challenges her to the dumb game. For several minutes, they play and contort themselves in compromising positions...until they both throw in the towel and collapse to the floor. Jon Bon Jovi pulls Carrie atop him and the two start getting it on. Oh Jon.. Post-coitus, Carrie asks Jon Bon Jovi what Dr. G would have to say about the two of them hooking up, and he sleepily murmurs, "Very bad." She confesses that she thinks therapy is bullshit, and he jokingly threatens to tell Dr. G on her. She then asks him why he's in therapy, and he comes out right and says, "I'm really fucked up about women. After I sleep with them, I completely lose interest." Bwahaha! He idly asks her why she's in therapy, and she gets a stricken look on her face as she suddenly experiences what therapists call "a breakthrough" and says, "I pick the wrong men." She then turns her back on him in the bed, which doesn't seem to bother him since it's clear he's already lost interest. The next morning, Carrie changes her soiled bed sheets, then quit therapy 'cause she couldn't bear the embarrassment of running into Jon Bon Jovi in the waiting room...and apparently, her friends were A-OK with that decision. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how Manhattan restaurants are always bending over backwards to appeal to the jaded New Yorkers' palette...and apparently the newest thing in the Big Apple is hanging out in S&M themed eateries, 'cause yeah that's appetizing. Samantha's PR firm was hired to handle the opening of an S&M restaurant, and we get an eyeful of male waiters prancing around in studded leather jock straps, one of whom gets an ass whipping by Samantha when he messes up the girls' drink order. Charlotte is embarrassed that everyone around her is decked out in a risqué outfit...and when Samantha uses the butt end of her whip to caress Charlotte's face and asks her what her fetish is, Charlotte says she doesn't have one. Carrie, who's wearing a black crop top and hideous looking poofy skirt, announces that she's cutting out on them to go say goodbye to Mr. Big, then explains that he's flying to Paris on business tomorrow. Samantha hands her her whip and black top hat and tells her to "give him a goodbye he'll never forget". Ick. Carrie appears on Big's doorstep, dressed in her stupid outfit plus top hat, and she's holding Samantha's whip between her teeth. When Big just stares back at her with a dismayed, blank expression on his face, she pouts and says, "Well laugh. It's a joke." He murmurs, "Oooh.." and then pulls her inside and gives her an obligatory smooch. Stanford is at home cruising his favorite website, Sexpress, and exchanging in virtual sex banter with Bigtool4u. Carrie voice-overs that Charlotte has a secret shoe fetish - even though, of the four of them, I thought Carrie had the market cornered on wasting her earnings on ridiculously expensive footwear. Charlotte enters her favorite shoe store, where a salesman named Buster greets her, estimates her shoe size, and entices her with a pair of overpriced sandals. She coos, "You are baaaad!" but agrees to try them on. When she asks Buster how much they cost, he tells her $400...and when she remarks that that's way more than anyone in their right mind should ever spend on a pair of sandals, he offers to take 50% off. Miranda is browsing a shelf of historical biographies at a used bookstore when she spots an attractive man doing the same thing a few feet away. She chats him up about her favorite biographers...and the two start flirting and give each other the once-over. Carrie is kneeling on Big's bed, poutishly watching him pack his suitcase for Paris. She moans about how much she's going to miss him...and when he doesn't rejoin with, "Oooh, I'm really going to miss you too, Carrie!", she changes the subject and mentions that Charlotte is interested in renting a house in the Hamptons this summer. She asks him if they should get in on that, but Big says prolly not 'cause he may have to move to Paris for awhile. Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" then shakes her head in disbelief while stammering, "Wait wait wait wait wait wait..." and asks him how long he's known about this. He tells her that nothing is definite yet, that he'll know more after this trip, and to skedaddle 'cause he has a plane to catch. Carrie gets together with the gals for lunch and bitches and moans about Big's departure and how he acted like it was her problem. Charlotte just kind of shrugs and says it's no big deal that Big has to live in Paris for awhile, and points out that she can always fly over and visit him...so Carrie explains that what irks her about it is that she wasn't even a factor in his decision-making. Samantha clucks sympathetically and says that men do this sort of thing all the time, and nonsensically adds, "Their version of we is me and my dick." Carrie wails, "Just tell me what's going on! Is that too much to ask?!" She then stares into space with a bewildered expression on face, says she can't believe this is happening again, then slams both hands on the table, causing silverware to crash to the floor. Miranda urges her to chillax and not make an even more embarrassing spectacle of herself than she generally does whenever she's tormented by Big's obvious disdain for her. Carrie self-piteously whimpers, "I must be a masochist or something"...and by something she means a childish, insecure, self-centered, clingy bore who somehow fancies herself a feminist role model for women everywhere. Carrie channels the pain of her stupid relationship with Mr. Big by writing the latest instalment of her shittastic column. She types 'when it comes to relationships, how do we know when enough is enough?' and then stares contemplatively into space as if it's still an open question whether or not Big has had enough of her childish antics. Miranda and the bookstore guy, Jack, are wrapping up a great first date. As they amble along the street, he offers to show her Mark Twain's old house, then steers her into a private courtyard. She glances around nervously and tells him they're on private property, and he's like, "I know" and pushes her against a wall and smooches her...and Miranda quickly comes to the realization that Jack gets off on having sex in places where they're likely to get caught. How lovely for the people who inadvertently stumble upon them in mid-doink. Stanford is over at Carrie's apartment, and the two are drinking cocktails. He tells her he has a confession to make for which he doesn't want to be judged...then sheepishly says, "I have cybersex on the Internet...and my name is Rick9plus." He tells Carrie he's been sexing with Bigtool4u, and Carrie spits out her drink and starts giggling. Stanford says that he's been chatting with Bigtool4u, who now wants to meet him in person, and he's strongly considering it 'cause Bigtool seems hot and it's been a long time since he's had good sex. Carrie gives him her blessing to indulge in a naughty little adventure, and adds, "Be safe. Have fun." Carrie drunk dials Mr. Big in Paris...and after he sleepily checks his watch, he snarks that it's 5:30 in the fucking morning. She's like, "Whatever" and demands to know how he could even think about moving to Paris without discussing it with her first, then rambles incoherently about how she thinks about him all the time, blah blah, and refers to herself as a woooo-man. Big asks her if they could have this conversation another time - preferably never - and jokes (sort of), "Have another cocktail, woman." When he tries to tell her he's too tired to muster the energy to spar with her over the phone, she tells him to get used to this kind of verbal abuse - 'cause if he moves to Paris, this is what their relationship is going to degenerate into. When an irritated Big abruptly ends the call, Carrie curses as she spills cocktail juice all over her clothes. Jack wants to go down on Miranda while they're riding in the back seat of a cab...and Miranda's like, "Why not?" and agrees that it's a fab idea. As Jack buries his head between her legs and gets to work, Miranda starts moaning...and the icked out cabbie shoots them a confused look from the rearview mirror and somehow doesn't threaten to throw them out of his cab for public indecency. Charlotte returns to Buster's shoe store to try on more sandals...and Buster looks entranced with her "well formed" feet. He offers her a stupidly expensive pair of the latest arrivals free of charge, and Charlotte's all, "Wha-a? Why would you do that?" and Buster eyes her feet and suggests that perhaps they need a little rub..? Carrie is walking down the street with Charlotte and Miranda, gabbling about how she may have overreacted to the whole Paris Situation. She's suddenly optimistic about working it out, and says that visiting Big in Paris could be fun and romantic. Miranda changes the subject to announce that she and Jack have been having sex in public places all over Manhattan...and Charlotte's all, "Ewww.." and advises her to get the perve in a bedroom and find out "what's really there". I'm guessing not much. She bends down to adjust her new sandal to draw the ladies' attention to it, and Carrie gasps and asks her where those gorgeous shoes came from. Charlotte sheepishly says she got them for free 'cause the shoe salesman wanted her to have them...and when Carrie looks at her skeptically, Charlotte admits the embarrassing truth about bartering foot rubs for expensive shoes. Charlotte, who now feels icky about accepting free shoes in exchange for foot rubs, returns to the store and tells Buster she can't, in good conscience, keep the expensive sandals. Buster glances at the soles of the shoes and says she's already worn them on the street - therefore, he can't take them back...and will probably just throw them away. Charlotte pleads with him not to, then whines about how she can't afford to buy them. Buster offers a trade: if she tries on the store's latest arrivals and lets him fondle her feet and then sniff the shoes after she's worn them, she can keep the expensive sandals. Charlotte mulls that over and decides she's A-OK with that...even though she had seemed unsettled by the free shoe/foot rub arrangement fifteen seconds earlier. Carrie makes a dramatic arrival at Big's apartment clutching a bag of shitty McDonald's food and wearing a black beret on her head. She explains that Le Big Mac is her way of apologizing for her drunken lunacy during their recent phone call. She says she's totes fine with them carrying on a long distance relationship...then suggests she might move to Paris with him and write her shittastic column from there! Big looks aghast at the prospect, then shrugs indifferently and tells her not to expect anything if she uproots her entire life by moving to Paris. Ouch. Carrie finally gets a clue, then becomes so enraged that she whips the McDonald's bag at the kitchen wall where the TV is mounted, and screams, "I am such an idiot!" Haha...ya think?! Big glares over at his TV, which is now spattered with junk food, and barks, "What the fuck?!" Carrie starts bitching about how she's been running all over town with a fugly black beret on her head, getting Big Macs to go...yet he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about whether or not she's in his life. (Yep - I'm definitely getting that sense too.) Big urges her to calm down and reminds her that he's being sent to Paris for work related reasons - but she refuses to acknowledge that and accuses him of being so freaked out by their relationship that he has to put an ocean between them. She pouts for a few seconds, then squeaks, "Why is it so hard for you to factor me into your life in any real way?" and he mutters, "Old habits die hard." She tells him she can't do this anymore...and when he weakly (like, really weakly) professes his love for her, she cries, "Then why does it hurt so fucking much?!" and storms out. Carrie shuffles home in tears, berating herself for tying herself to a man who was terrified of being tied down. Stanford, meanwhile, enters a gay club that has a strict "underwear only" policy. Er...OK. Miranda and Jack are going at it at his place - and as Miranda starts to moan in pleasure, a woman knocks on the door and asks if everything is OK. When Miranda's all, "Wuh?", Jack explains that his parents are in town and staying at his apartment. Miranda tells him she's worried they're going to walk in on them...and Jack's like, "Fingers crossed 'cause nothing would make me hornier" and a few seconds later, his parents barge into the room and just stand in the doorway, mutely watching their son thrust in and out of Miranda. Stanford scans the underwear clad men in the gay bar, trying to guess which of them might be Bigtool4u. When an attractive young man eyes him and then walks over and compliments his underwear, Stanford goes, "Bigtool4u..?" The guy scrunches his face in confusion, so Stanford hastily asks, "Another beer for you?" Heh. Carrie is lying in bed looking miserable when Big drops by for one last romp. In the next scene, she's sitting in her chair near the window, voice-overing in her most contemplatively-sad voice, "After we made love, I knew it was over." Big wakes up and asks her what she's doing way over there, and she turns around to face him and solemnly retorts, "Go to Paris. I'm not going to come. Let's not pretend we're something we're not." Big represses the urge to cheerily high-five himself, and wisely beats a hasty retreat. Carrie glumly stares down at him from her window...and when he looks up at her, he smiles, then happily skips home. LOL. Carrie sighs, credits herself for untying herself from Big, then sums up the breakup by declaring, "But there was nothing exquisite about it." Well...maybe not from your end. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: As Miranda undergoes a gynaecological exam - thanks for that visual, show - she prattles to the doctor about her breakup with Steve, and how she doesn't want a daily reminder (in the form of the Pill) that she's not having regular sex. The doctor's like, "OK, whatever" and informs her that she has a lazy ovary, meaning that her right ovary has stopped producing eggs. Miranda meets up with the gals at a restaurant and jokes that clearly her ovary has given up hope that she'll ever get married and have kids, then grumbles, "I'm a biological underachiever." Charlotte tries to cheer her up by sharing that she has a tilted uterus, and that sperm has to jump over that hurdle to get to her eggs. Samantha says she needs a new gynaecologist 'cause lately she's been going to a male doctor...but because everything she ever experiences or talks about must be directly related to sex, it got too weird for her to have a man spend so much time on her cootch without it resulting in an orgasm. Carrie offers to pay the check and starts rifling through her purse...and as she's doing that, she accidentally flings a tiny pair of pink panties onto the table. She chuckles and goes, "Oops!" and explains that she's forced to carry her gitch around all day 'cause she's planning to spend the night at Big's. Samantha makes a face and asks her why she doesn't have any drawer space in his apartment, and Carrie shakes her head and says, "Big is weird about stuff." Miranda urges her to stake out some territory, while Charlotte thinks it's far better to remain a creature of mystery and continue to tote spare panties around in her purse. Samantha needlessly shares that she stopped wearing underwear on dates, 'cause if she ever forgot them at a guy's apartment, she'd never see them again...them being the panties and the guy. Classy lunch conversation, as always. The next morning, Carrie is at Big's apartment, blow-drying her hair, which she's now wearing straight. As she primps, she decides that if the things a gal leaves behind at a guy's place are "the archaeologic relics of their sexual history", then by golly she should be able to leave something at Big's! She opens Big's medicine cabinet and decides to store her little hair-dryer there...and then over the next several days, she uses it as storage for more of her toiletries. When Big eventually notices her stash, he stares at it perplexedly and is all, "Wha-a?!" Charlotte is out on the town with a pastry chef named Stephan who loves Betty Buckley...and who acts, talks, poses, and gestures like a man who's gayer than a Joan Crawford film festival. After an enjoyable evening, Charlotte thanks him for inviting her out and remarks how refreshing it is to spend time with a man she can actually talk to. She then hails a cab and says good night...and Stephan responds by pulling her close and giving her a long, hard smooch. Charlotte just stares back at him, stunned that her gaydar is suddenly all out of whack. The following night, while the gals are out at a bar, Charlotte expresses her confusion about Stephan: is he gay or straight? Carrie says the real question is: is he a straight gay man, or a gay straight man? then explains via voice-over that the gay/straight man hybrid developed as a result of New York men being over-exposed to fashion, theater, and antique furniture. Charlotte says she didn't think she was even on a date, evidenced by the fact that she didn't wash her hair and wore a pair of unfashionable eyeglasses. Carrie changes the subject by showing off her teeny tiny new purse, and Charlotte pouts and assumes this means she left her toiletries at Big's place and is no longer a creature of mystery. Carrie gleefully nods and lists all the stuff she left in his medicine cabinet...and, OMFG, there's something else she feels the need to share: the other day, she did #2 in his potty. Charlotte gasps in horror, while Samantha and Miranda salute their friend's liberating poop dump and high-five each other. Charlotte wails, "It's the end of romance!" and haughtily says she's never done a #2 at a boyfriend's place, and Samantha rolls her eyes and retorts, "You're so uptight, you need to do a #7." Heh. Suddenly, the bartender hands Samantha a drink and tells her that the man standing at the end of the bar sent it over. Samantha glances over, sees an attractive man, and gasps, "Oh my God, It's Dominic." Carrie voice-overs that Dominic was the first and only man Samantha had ever really loved...and that he wined and dined her, set the bar for hot sex, then dumped her like yesterday's news for an Icelandic supermodel named Anka (with whom he's currently embroiled in a messy divorce). Samantha assures the gals she's evolved past the heartache he caused her, then struts over to him to say hey. Mr. Big drops by Carrie's apartment and silently hands her a black Barney's bag. At first she looks excited at what she assumes is a surprise gift - but then her expression sours when she sees that the bag contains all the toiletries she's been storing in his medicine cabinet without authorization. She irritably tells him she meant to leave all that stuff at his apartment, and when he gives her a funny look and goes, "Why?", she motions to herself and says she doesn't wake up "looking like this" and that it'd be nice not to have to lug around hair care products in her purse all day. She then asks him what the ideal living situation is for a couple who lives apart, and he replies, "Exactly what we have"...meaning they can be together when they want to be, and apart when Carrie starts getting on his last nerve. The next morning, Carrie's working on her shittastic column, pontificating about all the modern conveniences to which women have access: food delivered at all hours, laundry service, dog walkers. She then springboards off of that notion and wonders, "Who needs a husband when you have a doorman?" and furrows her brows as she heads over to her computer and types: Are New Yorkers evolving past relationships? She then sits on her bed and stares mutely into space as she mulls over her latest nonsense. Samantha makes another of her stupid Sex and the City pronouncements to Carrie: "Relationships have been on the decline ever since women came out of the cave, looked around, and said this isn't so hard." Carrie concedes that women don't need men, but asks, "Should they want one?" Samantha saucily says she wants more than one, then tells her that seeing Dominic again reminded her of how needy she once was and how slutty she's become - oops, I mean, how far she's come. When she announces that she and Dominic have plans to go out on Friday night, Carrie reminds her that it took her a year to get over the scoundrel. Samantha explains that she's going out with him purely to exact revenge, and that's she's planning on dumping him exactly the way he dumped her. Samantha, who's decked out in a sexy backless dress, meets up with Dominic at a fancy restaurant. As he pulls out a chair for her, he leans in close and tells her she looks unbelievable. Charlotte is over at Stephan's place, and they're hanging in the kitchen while he makes gourmet pizza for the two of them. Charlotte glances around his kitchen and marvels about it being her fantasy kitchen, and Stephan retorts, "This is my fantasy" and plants a big smooch on her lips. He then studies the strapless grey dress she's wearing and asks her if it's a Cynthia Rowley...and Charlotte, who assumes that this is another clear indicator that's he's gay and therefore unavailable for her to date, deflates and sadly nods. Samantha and Dominic are at her place, stripping off their clothes. She had planned on dumping him by this time, but decides to postpone and asks herself, "What's another couple of hours?" The next morning, Samantha calls Carrie to report that she slept with Dominic in order to remind him of what he was missing. She stretches languidly on her bed and smugly declares, "I'm better than him in bed", which...OK, whatever. Charlotte drops by the pastry shop where Stephan works and brings along a "team of experts" (aka Carrie and Stanford) to help her figure out which team her faux gay beau plays for. Stephan brings over a plate of goodies, and Stanford exclaims, "Cannolis, cream puffs, and tarts! Oh my!" and gets an undecipherable reaction from Stephan. Stephan tells them to enjoy their treats, kisses Charlotte on the forehead, then rushes off to glaze a wedding cake. Charlotte asks Stanford if it's possible that Stephan is unaware of his gayness, and Stanford shakes his head and assures her, "We are aware" and concludes that while extraordinarily effeminate, Stephan is most likely a straight man. Miranda is out for dinner with a fellow lawyer who's sporting unsightly hair plugs, which she can't stop staring at. Now that she's down to one ovary, she figured she can't be so choosy anymore. Plugs tells her he was bald before artificially growing this fantastic head of of hair, and Miranda remarks that he seems very happy. She tells him that lately she's been considering doing things she never thought she would, then talks about her lazy ovary, shitty luck with men...blah blah...and that she's contemplating freezing her eggs. Plugs makes a blech face and goes, "Freezing your eggs?!" so Miranda explains that it takes the pressure off a woman's biological clock. Plugs suggests it raises other, more icky issues, and asks if society needs desperate women in their 50s having kids...when clearly their barrenness is nature's way of trying to weed out their potential spawn. He shakes his head and calls egg freezing "a ridiculous abuse of science" and goes on to deride "designer sperm" and "simulated wombs", then bitterly asks, "How about just eliminate men altogether?" Miranda finally has enough and shoots him the stink-eye while snapping, "I don't need a lecture from a man who's doing crop rotation on his forehead!" Charlotte finally throws all sexually ambiguous caution to the wind and hits the sheets with Stephan. As he gushes about how much he loves Cher, a newly confused Charlotte comes right out and asks him if he's ever been with a man. He gives her a funny look and goes, "No. Have you been with another woman?" and she shakes her head and apologizes, and informs him how really really really gay he comes across as. Stephan chuckles at her misinterpretation of his unmistakably gay aura and points out that he's a thirty-five year old pastry chef living in Chelsea. He says simply, "If I were gay, I'd be gay." Comforted by that declaration, Charlotte proceeds to get it on with him, and naturally he turns out to be super great in bed and gives her multiple orgasms. The next morning, Samantha realizes she no longer has a strong desire to exact revenge against Dominic. The two are in bed, spooning, when he tells her how beautiful she is...then nonchalantly says, "I'm really going to miss you." When Samantha's all, "Wha-a?!" he tells her he's going back to Anka 'cause he can't afford an expensive divorce. Samantha wails, "You can't doooo this to me! No no no no no no! I'm supposed to do this to you!" Dominic casually gets out of bed, gets dressed, and tells her he's heading out...and as Samantha yells, "Get out!" she realizes she hasn't evolved past her feelings after all. The morning after their doink, Charlotte purringly greets Stephan in the kitchen while he's cooking a gourmet breakfast. Suddenly, they hear a squeaking noise, which Stephan instantly recognizes as a mouse that's caught in a nearby glue trap. Charlotte quickly spots the mouse and kicks the trap in Stephan's direction...and Stephan wigs out and climbs onto a chair while flailing his arms about like a distressed 1950s housewife. Charlotte stares over at him in dismay, realizing that her masculine side hadn't evolved enough to date a man whose feminine side was as highly evolved as Stephan's. Oh well, I guess that's that. Carrie spent the night at Big's, and the two are in bed, spooning. When daylight breaks, she climbs out of bed and sourly tells him she has to trudge home 'cause that's where her hair-dryer is. As she gathers her stuff together from his drawers, she comes across a photo of herself and Big canoodling...and based on that, she decides she no longer has to worry about leaving something behind and smugly voice-overs, "Because I was there." When Big urges her to stay and canoodle a while longer, she agrees - but insists upon leaving a pair of her teeny tiny panties at his place. She takes pride in that "victory", considering how big a step it is for Big to not to freak out by the presence of her stuff whenever she's not around. What a shitty relationship. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how much she looooves spring, and that while it's easy to say, "I love you, New York" it's not so easy to say, "I love you, Mr. Big". The first time she realized she loved Mr. Big was over toast and coffee one morning...and we see them eating in his kitchen while Carrie stares over at him, grinning like an idiot. Big gets weirded out by her maniacal staring and goes, "What..?" and she pretends she's just staring at the crumbs that are stuck on his lip. In the next scene, Big and Carrie are on their way home from the ballet, and Big is whining about how much he hates ballet and that he suspects the dancers of using wires. Carrie flashes him another idiotic grin and says, "I love - " then musses up his hair and squeals, "Your hair like that!" Mr. Big stops by Carrie's apartment to pick her up for dinner. As she peruses her closet for a pair of shoes, he hands her a gift bag and says, "I saw it and thought of you." Inside the bag is a glittery purse in the shape of a duck, which she hates on sight and whiningly voice-overs was "just wrong" - then suddenly decides it's the perfect time to blurt out, "I love you!" Uh boy.. At brunch the next day, Samantha chides Carrie for throwing out the first 'I love you' just 'cause Big gave her a fugly duck purse. Carrie, who's looking suitably mortified, says that Big reacted to her declaration by looking stunned and icked out as he mumbled, "You're welcome." He then kissed the top of her nose and beat a hasty retreat...and ever since that awkward exchange, they've both been pretending the 'I love you' never happened. As well they should. Carrie says she's either going to have to rescind the 'I love you' or dump Mr. Big...and Samantha clucks sympathetically and pronounces, "Telling a man 'I love you' means you may never see him again." Miranda, who's uncharacteristically chipper now that she's getting regularly boned by Steve, wonders aloud if perhaps Mr. Big is just trying to find his own way to reciprocate his feelings of love for Carrie. The other gals are like, "Mmm...no" and make it clear they don't believe that could be within the realm of possibility. Miranda and Steve are out for pizza because it's the only type of eatery Steve can afford. As the two chow down on greasy slices, Miranda invites Steve to an annual dinner thing at her law firm...which she admits will be boring but fancy, so he'll need to wear a suit. Steve says he already has a suit: a gold colored corduroy number. Miranda gasps in horror and repeats, "Gold? Corduroy?" and when Steve non-jokingly asks her what's wrong with gold corduroy, she tells him she doesn't have enough time to explain how horrific it would be if he showed up at her law firm's dinner wearing gold corduroy. In the next scene, the two stop by his tiny dungeon-like apartment, which Miranda calls sweet while glancing around with utter disdain. Steve says he knows it's a scary shithole - but it's cheap and close to the bar. He promises her they never have to come here again...and the two hug while Miranda stares over at the offending gold corduroy suit that's hanging from the closet door. The gals are sitting next to each other, getting pedicures from Asian women and gabbling about Steve. Charlotte tries to comfort Miranda by telling her that lots of talented artists start out by working as bartenders before they earn decent cash, and Miranda tells her that Steve is not an artist/bartender...he's happy just being a bartender and has no aspirations beyond serving drinks. Samantha asks how he is in bed, and Miranda gets all dreamy-faced, sighs, and says, "There are no words." Samantha nods approvingly and says, "Sounds like a dream relationship to me" and Carrie cackles and quips, "He can make you come and then make you a cosmopolitan." Charlotte scrunches her face disapprovingly and chides Miranda for getting serious about a guy "whose future is based on tips". Carrie's all, "Wha-a?" and points out that rich men date horsey-faced, not-so-rich women all the time...e.g. her and Big. Charlotte says it's much more acceptable for the man to make more money - but Miranda insists that none of this matters to her, and she doesn't want it to matter to Steve. Charlotte reminds her that Steve is a member of society's downtrodden "working class"...then subtly motions toward the four Asian women who are meticulously polishing the Sex and the City gals' toenails. The gals look sheepishly at each other and thank the women for doing a good job. Apropos of the American class system, Samantha remarks that she's currently doinking a man who's so rich he has a full time servant. Samantha's latest hookup is a milquetoasty dud named Harvey Terkell, who made his fortune in real estate and employs an annoyingly subservient Asian servant named Sum. That night, Sum serves them dinner, bows her head, and fawningly addresses her boss as Mistah Hawwvee. Harvey gushes to Samantha about what a fantastic cook Sum is and says he couldn't live without her. Carrie's in her apartment, tapping out the latest installment of her shittastic column. This week she ponders whether New York is really so different from New Delhi [it is], and asks herself if the American class system has been replaced by the Indian caste system [no...it hasn't] then runs with that dumb notion as she types: "And if so, can we date outside our caste?" Two days after the embarrassingly un-reciprocated 'I love you', Big and Carrie go out for a romantic dinner. As they sip on Tuscan wine, Big tells her he once rented a house in Tuscany with his ex-wife...and that he always wanted to go back with someone he actually likes. He then puts his serious face on and says he's been meaning to tell her something since the night he gave her the fugly duck purse...and by something he means she can return it if she doesn't like it. A deflated looking Carrie puffs away on her cigarette and scowls across the table at him while voice-overing, "I wanted to tell Big: I hate you." Charlotte goes all groupie gaga when she notices actor Wylie Ford swagger into her gallery. She quickly gets off the phone, ditches her eyeglasses, and rushes over to where he's examining the fire extinguisher as though it's a rare artifact. He asks her how much it is, so she gently informs him that it's an actual fire extinguisher in case the gallery goes up in flames...and Wylie chuckles and says, "I guess I'm a total idiot." Well, d'yuh. Charlotte giggles and pretends that people make that mistake all the time, then jokes that he's welcome to take the extinguisher and tell people it's a Jeff Koons. Wylie brazenly checks her out, clearly likes what he sees, and asks her if she'd like to close up the gallery early so they can go somewhere for a meaningless romp. In the next scene, Charlotte and Wylie are driving around in his limo, making out. He coos, "Oooh Charlene, you're so hot. I can't wait to get you to bed." When she tells him her name's Charlotte not Charlene, he says he prefers Charlene, and she moans, "OK" and continues kissing him. Wylie orders the limo driver to pull over and tells Charlotte to sit tight while he takes a leak in the alley...and Charlotte takes the opportunity to call Carrie and inform her that she's - OMG! - in Wylie Ford's limo, waiting for him to finish urinating. She gushes, "Isn't it cute?!" but Carrie fails to see the cuteness in public urination and urges her to get out of there immediately. Charlotte ignores that advice and says her "rules" went right out the window, then marvels, "It's like he wants me and I have to obey." When she notices that Wylie is zipping up and heading back toward the limo, she abruptly ends the call and the two resume their amorous foreplay. After a morning doink, Harvey tells Samantha to stay in bed as long as she likes...and that whenever she decides to get up, Sum will make her some breakfast. In the hall, Harvey tells Sum to take good care of Samantha, and she obediently nods and says in her weird, halting fashion, "Bye bye, Mistah Hawwvee." As soon as he's out of earshot, Sum storms into the bedroom and barks at Samantha, "OK, lazy bones! Out of bed!" and starts grabbing at the pillows and sheets. A bewildered Samantha asks Sum if she'll be eating her breakfast in the dining room, but Sum just stares at her incredulously and says she's going to be too busy washing her soiled sheets to cook breakfast. Samantha looks put out as she gets out of bed, throws on her scanty-wear, and beats a hasty retreat. Miranda takes Steve to a fancy boutique to go shopping for a new suit. He tries on one he really likes, and Miranda beams at how dapper he looks and says they should definitely take it. Steve glances at the $1,800 price tag and gasps, but Miranda tells him not to worry 'cause it's her treat, which makes total sense since the only reason he's getting it is 'cause she invited him to her to her firm's fancy party. Steve nixes that idea 'cause it somehow threatens his masculinity, and the two head over to the sales desk, where Miranda insists again on letting her pay for it. When the sales clerk informs Steve his credit card was denied, he gets testy while scraping $1,800 together with a combination of a different credit card, a personal check, and cash. On Saturday night, Mr. Big takes Carrie to a cocktail party on the upper east side. When they enter the swanky apartment, Carrie rolls her eyes and grumbles, "God I hate Park Avenue" and notices with dismay that all the women in attendance have glittery purses in the shape of animals or fruit (much like her duck purse)...and she interprets this to mean that Big has absolutely no idea who she is. A manservant walks over and politely asks Carrie and Big what they'd like to drink - and when Carrie orders red wine, he tells her that the hostess doesn't like to serve brown colored food or drink. Carrie chews on that for a few seconds and orders a vodka on the rocks, then laughs to Big about how the no brown food/drink is "a mutant strain of upper east side anal". Big agrees that the hostess, a friend of his named Serena, is a little strange - but insists she's mostly OK. Carrie argues that Serena is clearly trying to cultivate an eccentric personality so that people won't notice she's devoid of one, and Big chides her for her judgey bitchitude. Carrie lights up a cigarette and haughtily insists she's just being herself...and a few seconds later, Serena - a well tended, middle aged socialite - glides over to greet Mr. Big and tells Carrie she's going to have to take her nasty cigarette out to the terrace. Charlotte is out partying with Wylie and his dead-eyed entourage. She looks stunned when they pass around a joint, and asks Wylie when pot became legal in restaurants. Wylie smirks and says, "It didn't" and offers her a toke. She prudishly says she doesn't smoke pot, so Wylie takes a deep drag and smooches her with his pot filled breath. When they come up for air, Charlotte starts hacking while the entourage heartily laughs. Samantha is having dinner with Harvey while Sum looms over them, doing her best to look as subservient as possible. When she briefly disappears into the kitchen, Samantha tells Harvey that Sum was very rude to her this morning and practically thew her out of bed. Harvey breezily says she must have misunderstood and reminds her that Sum's English isn't all that great. Sum re-enters the dining room and smirks at Samantha as she offers her some asparagus...and suddenly, Samantha realizes that "she wasn't so dim, that Sum". Carrie is puffing away on the terrace when an old friend, Jeremiah, appears out of nowhere. She voice-overs that Jeremiah is a performance artist/caterer flunky with whom she's had a mild flirtation over the years. Jeremiah makes an ew face and asks Carrie if she's friends with "these people", and she rolls her eyes and says, "God no" and the two laugh about the no brown food/drink edict. He asks her if she'd like to check out his new tattoo, which starts on his stomach and stretches down to his nether regions...and naturally she says she'd love to. Jeremiah unzips his pants while Carrie kneels down to check it out, unaware/unconcerned that from a short distance, it looks as though she's giving him a blow job. Cue Serena, who happens to step onto the terrace at that very moment, looks aghast at what she thinks she's witnessing, clears her throat and goes, "Excuse me..?" and then rejoins the party. Carrie murmurs, "Shit.." and rushes inside where she finds Serena tattling to Big about the alleged blow job...and Big is staring over at Carrie with a mixture of shock and incredulity. He asks her if she was really giving the caterer a blow job, and Carrie refuses to answer and calls his question offensive. He just shakes his head and tells her to stop whatever she's doing 'cause it's embarrassing him, so she snarks, "Maybe if you'd joined me on the terrace like a gentleman, we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation." By this time, Big has had enough of her boorish shit and says he wants to leave, but Carrie refuses and petulantly snaps, "You go. I'm having a good time." Go, Big, go! Run, Big, run! On the night of the annual dinner at Miranda's firm, Steve arrives at her apartment dressed in his usual t-shirt and jeans. He tells her he returned the suit 'cause he couldn't afford it...and that she needs to be with a guy who's more on her level. A stricken looking Miranda mutters, "Fuck the suit", but Steve says if they stay together there will always be things that are out of his reach. Plus, she can be unbearably cunty, even at the best of times. Miranda accuses him of punishing her for being successful in life, then bitterly says, "Thanks for the info and for standing me up" and slams the door in his face. In the next scene, Miranda is at her firm's party, mingling with her colleagues and glumly staring into space. Charlotte, meanwhile, is continuing to party with Wylie and his cronies. Wylie decides to amuse himself by ordering Charlotte to go to the ladies room, stick a finger in her honey pot, then come back to the table so he can smell it. Charlotte's all, "Wha-a?" as his lewd request finally knocks some sense into her. She scrunches her face with distaste, says, "I don't think so", and leaves the table. Carrie and Jeremiah are weaving drunkenly down the street as she sings "Jeremiah was a bullfrog.." Jeremiah laughs about getting fired from his catering job (which I'm sure he can ill afford), and the two slobber over each other on the street while Carrie steers him toward her brownstone. After Samantha and Harvey finish yet another doink, Harvey heads into the bathroom to take a shower. Sum bursts into the room and looks aghast when she finds Samantha afterglowing with a condom wrapper nearby. She calls her "a cock-sucking whore", and tries to pull the sheets away from her. Samantha wrestles with her as she struggles to keep the sheets on the bed...and then Sum pretends to be knocked off of her feet just as Harvey bursts in and asks whassup. Sum tearfully tells him she was just trying to strip the bed when Samantha cruelly struck her, and Samantha rolls her eyes and goes, "Oh come on!" Harvey tenderly comforts Sum as he glares at Samantha and snarls, "How dare you treat Sum that way." Samantha tries to explain what actually happened, but Harvey refuses to listen and continues to hug Sum, who smugly smirks at Samantha. Samantha throws in the towel and wryly concludes that there was only room for one woman in Mistah Hawwvee's life. Carrie is roused awake when the phone rings. It's Big, calling to tell her he knows why she's been acting so pissy lately...but that returning her 'I love you' has to be done on his own time. After a few seconds, he blurts out, "I fucking love you, all right?"...and the camera pans out a bit and we see that Jeremiah is laying on the bed next to Carrie. He starts to stir and mutter something, but Carrie quickly covers his mouth. Big tells her that saying 'I love you' is a tough thing to say 'cause it gets him into trouble, and Carrie assures him that things between them are great, and promises to call him later. After she hangs up, she asks Jeremiah if they doinked, then breathes a sigh of relief when he says, "Definitely not." Carrie voice-overs, "I felt like I was the lowest of the low" [you are, Carrie] but figures that whatever happens before the guy says 'I love you' doesn't count. Which is some pretty fucked up logic...not that Carrie, in general, tends to score high on the fidelity meter. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie pronounces that "women in New York are the most beautiful women in the world"...and then we get lots of footage of beautiful women being ogled by horny men as they sexily sashay down the street. Carrie describes the volume of lovely ladies in Manhattan as "a playground for men's roving eyes" and then the camera pans over to Carrie and Mr. Big as they stroll down the street together. Big brazenly checks out an attractive woman as she peruses vegetables at an outdoor market, and a miffed Carrie grabs him by the arm and yanks him toward her. Later, Samantha tells Carrie she's lucky if Big's roving eye is her biggest problem in the relationship. She breezily says it's part of a man's genetic code to ogle at women, and warns her that trying to change him will bring nothing but disaster. Miranda, meanwhile, is enduring an inconvenient dating schedule with Steve. When he rings her doorbell in the wee hours of the morning, Miranda drags herself out of bed and sleepily staggers to the door to let him in. After a hello kiss, they retire to the couch...and Steve starts gabbling about a group of Japanese bankers that stumbled into the bar at 2:00am. When he looks over at Miranda, he sees that she's fallen asleep and is lightly snoring. He grins and whispers, "Never mind." When the alarm goes off the next morning, Steve forbids Miranda from getting out of bed until he's gotten his cuddling fix. Miranda argues that she has to get up and get ready for work, but Steve says, "Not yet" and spoons her while she stares into space looking irked and stressed. That night, Charlotte is hitting the sheets with her latest beau, an ugly restaurant critic named Mike. When she announces she's ready to ride his baloney pony, he eagerly unzips his pants and unwittingly gives her an unexpected, wrinkly surprise. She gasps, "Oh!" when she gets an eyeful of the wrinkled monster between his legs, and Mike sheepishly explains that he's uncircumcised. He asks her if that's OK, and she unconvincingly says, "Sure!" and pretends not to be grossed out by the repugnant shaft. During brunch with the gals, Charlotte over-shares the intimate details of her romp with Mike: "There was so much skin, it was like a Shar-Pei!" Samantha gets a dreamy look on her face and says she looooves uncircumcised dicks 'cause they're like a Tootsie Pop: hard on the outside with a delicious surprise on the inside. Miranda says she prefers it when a man's penis is "all out there, where I can see it", and declares uncircumcised peckers abnormal - but Carrie has to disagree and informs her that 85% of all men are uncircumcised. Miranda perks up and translates this to mean that she's only slept with 15% of the male population tops, and Carrie cackles, "Wow! You're practically a virgin!" Miranda says if she ever has sons, she's getting them circumcised 'cause she can't stand the thought of a catty female foursome likening their dicks to a Shar-Pei. Samantha argues that uncircumcised men are a lot better in the sack than their snipped counterparts 'cause they try a lot harder. She then gets all braggy and says, "I should know. I've slept with five of them." LOL. Please. That has to be the biggest under-estimate in the history of under-estimates. Carrie and Big are out for dinner, and Carrie gets miffed once again when Big brazenly checks out an Asian woman's shapely ass as she struts past their table. He then lights up a cigar and starts puffing away - and a few seconds later, the waitress politely informs him he's not allowed to smoke inside the restaurant. Big launches into an annoying schtick about how he thought he was in "a cigar friendly zone", then gets up and roams around the restaurant, asking the other diners if they're bothered by the stench of his cigar smoke. When everyone just smiles and amiably shakes their heads no, he gives the waitress a "See..?" expression, then offers to buy the other diners a round of drinks. The waitress blushingly giggles and allows him continue to smoke, and Carrie voice-overs that the whole cigar schtick bugged her, then comes right out and tells Big he's very arrogant. After dinner, the two amble along the street, and when Big not-so-subtly ogles a sexy woman passing by, Carrie barks, "Hey!" then pauses and says, "I hate that cigar." Big's like, "Whatever" and promptly tosses the cigar on the ground. Carrie's in her apartment, puffing away on her cigarette as she silently ponders why change seems so hard for Mr. Big. She wonders if she's just banging her head against a wall, trying to get him to notice her. She then ponders the notion of changing her expectations, then types, Can you change a man? and continues to puff on her cigarette while contemplatively staring into space. Charlotte and Mike stroll along the street after a dinner date. He asks her if he can come upstairs for another romp, and she tells him she has to get up really early and that her place is a mess. Ouch. Mike nods sadly and says, "I understand" and explains that she's not the first woman to react with horror after getting an eyeful of his Shar-Pei pecker. He announces that he's finally going to take the bull by the horns and do something about it...and by do something about it he means get himself circumcised. Charlotte perks up and goes, "Really?!" and he says that even though the operation hurts and the recovery period is long and painful, he's willing to do it to please her in the sack. Charlotte's like, "Whatever! Great!" and promises to abstain from doinking anyone else until his dick has been successfully de-Shar-Peied. Miranda and Steve are in bed going at it...and when they finally climax, Miranda immediately climbs out of bed to begin her day. Steve asks her where she's going, then and reminds her it's Saturday...so she allows him to pull her back into bed and spoon her. She stares into space and asks, "How long are we going to do this?" and he incredulously asks, "You want a timeframe for cuddling?" Miranda says she needs an end point, then explains that Saturday is her "free day": a day to run her errands and go to spinning class. Steve laughs and says, "You're not sounding very free to me", and Miranda lets out a deep sigh, gets back into bed, and says she's willing to lay beside him like a corpse for an hour and a half tops. The gals are out at Drag Queen Bingo, which I had no idea was a thing. Miranda is complaining that she and Steve only ever have sex in the morning...and afterward "he just wants to lie there". Charlotte tells her that everyone wants a guy who enjoys cuddling, and Carrie concurs and sadly shares that Big won't even spend the night at her place. Miranda says she doesn't want to have to change her routine - but Charlotte says she probably should 'cause women are generally more adaptable than men, then advises Miranda to come up with a workable sex schedule. She then changes the subject and announces that Mike has agreed to get his penis de-Shar-Peied, and the gals are all, "Woo hoo!" Suddenly, one of the drag queens comes over to the table, looks at Samantha, then squeals, "Samantha?! It's me, Brad!" Apparently, Brad is a semi-professional hockey player she doinked a few years ago. He tells Samantha he started dressing like a woman right after hitting the sheets with her...and that his chosen 'lady name' is Samantha. After he ambles off, Samantha stares into space, not sure if Brad's metamorphosis is an insult or a compliment. She scrunches her face in confusion and moans, "I am so much prettier than him." Big is a half hour late for a date, and Carrie is angrily pacing the lobby of his building. When he finally arrives, he apologizes for keeping her waiting, and she snarls that his doorman thinks she's a hooker [d'yuh...if it looks like a duck and dresses like a duck]. She snaps, "I hate waiting. Here. For. You" so Big shoots back with, "There's a coffee shop. Around the corner. You could have waited in." Carrie snarls, "I'm pissed!" and threatens to leave, but for some God-knows-why reason, Big urges her to come upstairs. She suggests that if he were to give her a key to his apartment, she could go up and wait for him there - but Big looks icked out by the prospect and mutters, "A key..?" Carrie says another option is that he could spend the night at her place sometime, but he makes a blech face and stubbornly says, "I like my bed." That night, neither Big nor Carrie felt much like bumping uglies - and at 3:00am something very awesome happens. Big rolls over and unintentionally (we're led to believe, anyway) knocks Carrie off the bed. Bwahaha! As she flails around on the floor, Big stares down at her and asks if she's OK, and she shrieks, "NOOO!" and punches him in the face. Big yells, "What the fuck??! What the hell was that?" and Carrie wails, "You knocked me out of bed! You didn't even know I was here!" She then looks contrite and tries to apologize, but Big irritably gathers a blanket and pillow and announces he's sleeping on the couch...and when Carrie protests, he warns, "Don't talk now, bad to talk now" and exits the room. At 4:00am, Carrie creeps into the living room to bring Big some ice wrapped in a dripping towel. She admits that punching him in the face was probably a bad idea (!) - but she's been so pissed at him lately for constantly checking out other women when he's with her. She also hates that she doesn't have a key to his apartment, and that he refuses to ever spend the night at her place. She moans, "I feel like I'm back in your life, and nothing has really changed." She says she knows she can't change him...but needs something to change, even if it's a minor thing. Big wryly says, "Physical violence is never the answer" and a deflated Carrie says she's throwing in the towel and heading home. Before she leaves she says there must be [a ginormous list of] things about her he doesn't like - but Big wisely replies, "I'm not falling for that one." Charlotte and Mike are on another date shortly after his de-Shar-Peiing. He tells her the operation hurt a lot, and that he has another week to undergo in the healing process. Charlotte excitedly says, "I can't wait!" and the two start kissing amorously. Mike is like, "Ouch!" and explains that getting aroused hurts his boner, so he's going to have to cut the evening short and de-harden himself. After drinking five cups of coffee, Miranda is wide awake and lighting candles in her living room when Steve arrives at 2:00am. They make out for a few minutes in the foyer before she breathily says, "I'll meet you in the bedroom." A few minutes later, she enters the bedroom carrying a bottle of wine, and gets irked when she finds Steve asleep on her bed. She snaps at him to leave, then bitchily says she wants to catch up on her sleep and not have sex at dawn, which always causes her to lay there and worry about being late for work. Steve says they can have sex right now, but she tells him that that window had been open a half hour ago - but is firmly closed now. Charlotte and Mike are about to break in the new penis. She gives it a once-over and coos, "It's perfect!" and he jokingly says, "You realize this makes me a virgin." Charlotte promises to be gentle, and the two start getting it on. Post coitus, Charlotte purrs, "That was wonderful" and asks him what he'd like to do on Saturday. He's all, "Wuh? Did we have plans?" and she says they don't, but lists a variety of ways they could pass the evening. Mike chooses that moment to tell her he's not ready for this to be "a big thing" and doesn't want to be tied down, now that his penis has been de-Shar-Peied. He's eager to get out there and share it with as many women he can convince to sleep with an uggo such as himself. Charlotte looks at him with incredulity and asks, "You want to share your penis?" and Mike confirms he does and says he feels like he owes it to himself to "take the doggie out for a walk around the block". Needless to say, Charlotte never saw the cheeky uggo again. Carrie is laying around her apartment, depressed that Big hasn't called her several days. Cue a knock on the door - and when Carrie answers, she finds Big on her doorstep, glaring at her with a big bruise on his face. She reaches out to touch him, but he flinches and orders her to keep her fists far away from him. Heh. He tells her he's given five keys to his apartment to various women, but never got any of them back. He admits to hogging his bed, but reminds her that it's his bed - and he likes her in it. That said, he blurts out, "The oranges have to go" and Carrie's all, "Wuh?" so he tells her that one thing he dislikes about her is that she eats oranges in his bed, and they make the sheets all sticky. He says if she's willing to lay off the oranges, he'll agree to spend the night at her place. Carrie smilingly agrees...and the following day her bed sheets stunk of cigar smoke. Mmm hmm.. Miranda is laying in bed at 2:00am, wide awake and looking forlorn. The phone rings, and it's Steve calling from a pay phone. He tells her to look out the window so she doesn't miss the blue moon - and Miranda's all, "Oh my God!" and they both agree that it's an amazing and rare sight to behold. Miranda saucily invites him to come over when he's done his shift at the bar, and he blushes and mutters, "Yeah." Late that night, Steve and Miranda bumped uglies...and then again in the morning. Carrie voice-overs that all of their ugly bumping caused Miranda to be an hour late for work - but she was suddenly so enamored of Steve she didn't even notice. (I'm guessing her boss and colleagues did, though.) Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Mr. Big takes Carrie to a fancy Italian restaurant where he's clearly a regular. As the maître d' seats them with great gushing and fanfare, Big introduces Carrie to him as his girlfriend...and the official pronouncement makes Carrie giddily blush and beam with pent-up delight. After a sumptuous dinner, Big gets up and sings along with the maître d', then dedicates the next song to Carrie...and she glances around the restaurant to make sure that everyone knows to stare enviously at her, then breathlessly voice-overs, "I felt like I was in heaven." Miranda, meanwhile, is across town at a comedy club, where she and her date (Allan) are being entertained by a terrible comedian. Allan momentarily leaves the table to get the check...and while he's gone, his cell phone rings. The comedian gets irked by the intrusive ringing and berates Miranda for disturbing his shitty act and barks, "Answer your fucking phone!" then starts chanting, "Answer it! Answer it! Answer it!"...and soon the audience is chanting along with him. A red-faced Miranda answers the phone, and the comedian grabs it out of her hand and starts talking to the person on the other end...and learns it's Allan's wife, which makes the audience erupt with laughter. When Allan reappears with the check, Miranda glares at him and snaps, "You told me you were divorced!" He sheepishly murmurs, "Separated" and a mortified Miranda storms out. The gals convene for brunch the next day, and Miranda tells the gals about The Allan Situation. She grumbles, "Guys are such liars" and Samantha concurs and adds, "And 97% of them can't fuck you worth a damn." Charlotte insists that not all men are bad, then regales the gals with the story about her friend Amanda's friend Ashley, who was dating a guy who actually did divorce his wife...and now he and Ashley are happily living in Connecticut and he's an amazing husband and father. Miranda lets out a derisive grunt and snaps, "Never happened" and tells Charlotte her story is nothing more than "an urban relationship myth". She then bitterly recounts the urban myth that women frequently tell in an effort to bring hope to their empty, loveless lives: a woman moves away from New York and is soon followed by her hopelessly in love boyfriend, who proposes to her in the rain...and the two get married and live happily ever after. Charlotte points out there are men and women in the world who do get married and live a happy life together, but Samantha rolls her eyes and says these things always seem to happen to "a friend of a friend", never an actual person anyone knows. She asks Charlotte if she's ever known anyone whose relationship magically changed overnight, and Charlotte motions toward Carrie and triumphantly replies, "Carrie and Big!" She reminds everyone that their Season 2 relationship is totally different than it was in Season 1...and Carrie blushingly nods and concurs that, indeed, something has shifted between Big and herself, and that they've come together again for a reason. Carrie's in her apartment, puffing on a cigarette as she labors over the latest installment of her shittastic column. She pontificates about how the Greeks needed myths in order to endure their miserable lives, then contorts her face in a tortured expression as she ponders: do modern day singles need modern day myths? She then ponders her stupid relationship with Mr. Big, and that after an eternity (six episodes of Season 1) of not quite fitting together, suddenly they fit. Or did they? Perhaps they didn't, and she desperately needed to believe the myth. She scrunches her face in deep contemplation as she types: are we willing to believe anything to date? Apparently, since the two of you break up again, five episodes from now. Samantha's enjoying a cocktail at a swanky Midtown bar when she catches the eye of an older gentleman who's - ack! - sitting at a table with Donald Trump. A few seconds later, The Donald stiffly exits the bar and the older gentleman approaches Samantha and tells her he was so distracted by her beauty that he just agreed to finance The Donald's new project (nooooo...don't do it!!) and she now owes him $150 million. Samantha coquettishly asks, "Will you take a check?" and he chuckles and introduces himself as Ed, then offers to buy her a drink...and an island. He asks, "Do you come here often?" and she gives him a fake wary glare and sassily replies, "Honey - that line's older than you are." Ed laughs and calls her a pistol...and as they engage in some get-to-know-you chit-chat, Samantha is pleased to learn that he's a single, available multi-millionaire. Samantha asks Carrie what her age ceiling with men is, and Carrie mulls that over and says, "Fifty." Samantha tells her to factor in millions and millions of dollars, but Carrie still sticks at fifty. Samantha tells her she just met the cutest older man...and Carrie tries to guess his age and goes, "Fifty..? Sixty..?" and starts to look icked out, so Samantha tells her her new beau is seventy-two. She hastily adds, "A young seventy-two" and when Carrie makes a blech face, Samantha calls her an ageist. She recounts how exhilarating it is to be able to get into swanky restaurants with no reservation, and describes Ed as "a vibrant, powerful, and generous man who's just looking for someone to have a little fun with". They haven't discussed hitting the sack yet, but Samantha says she's definitely up for it, then cackles, "All cats look the same in the dark!" Carrie's over at Big's apartment, and he's cooking up some veal chops while they sip wine and puff on her cigarette. She says she really wants him to get to know her friends better - meaning she wants him to join her and the gals for dinner this weekend at a hotspot called Denial. He just kind of shrugs and says, "OK" and Carrie gushes about what a cute and agreeable boyfriend he suddenly is. Her cell phone rings, and it's Miranda, calling to berate her for keeping her waiting while she sits alone in a bar. Carrie tells her she's at Big's, and that he's cooking up veal...and Miranda bitchily reminds her that they had dinner plans, and grumbles, "Your relationship is the same as always. It's all about him." She snaps, "Enjoy your veal!" and abruptly hangs up. She orders another glass of wine from the bartender (Steve!), and he tells her to add please to that request. She glares at him with incredulity and haughtily asks, "Um, are you allowed to talk to me that way?" and he says he is. (Haha! You go, Steve!) When Miranda brusquely thanks him for the wine, he cheekily retorts, "Steve. Thank you, Steve." Miranda says that's really cute and all, but she's not in the mood. She tells him she's not a total bitch [yes you are]...and that she's upset 'cause she just had a fight with someone. He goes, "Who? Your boyfriend?" and she snaps, "That's none of your business" so Steve asks, "Your girlfriend? Your butcher?" and when she's all, "Wha-a? Butcher..?", he reminds her that she snapped enjoy your veal! to whoever was on the other end. He shrugs and says, "I took a shot" and Miranda can't help but chuckle at his adorableness. He then (God only knows why) urges her to drink her wine more slowly so she'll stick around the bar longer and keep him company. Miranda brings Steve home with her, and the two have sex so amazing that Miranda has two orgasms. I find it hard to believe a perpetually miserable wretch like Miranda is actually capable of having orgasms. As Steve gets dressed, he says, "That was really special" and asks Miranda for her phone number - but she just shoots him a cold stare and asks why. He says he'd like to (God only knows why) call her up and ask her out, but she tells him it's not necessary to go through the motion of pretending he's going to call, and that they should just call this what it was: a one night stand. Steve shakes his head in bewilderment and calls her "a real pisser", then gives her a goodbye kiss and invites her to stop by the bar sometime. She dismissively says, "Sure, OK, whatever" then tells him he was awesome in the sack. Ed has invited Samantha to his fancy townhouse, and the two are having dinner in his dining room. She finds a diamond bracelet under her napkin, and when he presents her with a necklace and matching earrings, she gleefully starts clapping...prompting a jaded looking maid to roll her eyes in disgust at the brazen gold digger. After dinner, Ed puts on a vinyl record, then puts some old fashioned moves on Samantha. As they enjoy a brandy, he lays his cards on the table: he knows he only has a handful of good years left and is looking for someone to have fun with. He says he's well aware that a gorgeous woman such as herself can get any man she wants (kind of an overstatement, but whatever), so he's willing to make it worth her while. He tells her he has a pocket full of Viagra, and to prove it he grabs her hand and places it on his crotch. The two quickly head over to the bedroom and, through the power of Viagra, Ed is able to doink the much-doinked Samantha like a much younger man. Afterward, he gets up and walks bare-assed to the bathroom, and Samantha gets an eyeful of his saggy, wrinkly rump...and gasps in horror and immediately decides to make a run for it. She mutters something about having a bad reaction to the shellfish, throws her clothes on, then rushes toward the door - where the maid, who has anticipated her hasty departure, is waiting to hand her her purse and coat and slam the door behind her. Steve drops by Miranda's apartment to tell her he likes her, and she bitchily interprets that as: I think you're an easy lay and I'd like to have sex again. Steve denies he's into her just for the sex and invites her out to dinner. She looks befuddled and exclaims, "You don't even know me!" so he reminds her she felt comfortable enough with him to go to bed with him the other night...but she dismissively replies, "That's a different thing." He asks her out for tonight, but she tells him she's having dinner with friends at Denial. Steve perks up and says he has a buddy who works there, and invites himself to have before-dinner drinks with her and her friends...and Miranda looks less than thrilled. Run, Steve, ruuuuunnnn!! Carrie arrives at Mr. Big's apartment, where the two will have a quick drink before meeting up with the gals at Denial - but the plan goes to shit when Big answers the door dressed in boxers and an old t-shirt, Carrie's all, "Wuh?" and orders him to get dressed, like pronto, but he makes a face and asks her if she'd mind if he bailed on dinner 'cause it looks like it might rain. She puts her sad face on and whimpers, "But...my friends are expecting you" and he waves a hand dismissively and tells her they'll be fine with just her and asks her if it's OK. She stares at the floor and mumbles, "Sure" then shuffles toward the door, voice-overing that she was afraid if she looked into his eyes she'd turn to stone. Ack! Look away, Carrie! No one wants that face immortalized in a statue. As Carrie heads to the restaurant, she berates herself for foolishly believing that things with Big would be different the second time around. She arrives at Denial, but can't bring herself to tell the gals the truth about Big's sudden no-show. Steve appears with a tray filled with cocktails, and Samantha and Charlotte thank him for his thoughtfulness, and he jokes, "If you want good service, send a bartender"...and Miranda bitchily adds, "And if you want a good fuck, go home with one." The gals each shoot her a bewildered, WTF? look, while Steve just stares into space looking hurt. After a few seconds of awkward silence, Miranda lets out a strained chortle and goes, "Hello..? It was was funny." and Steve quietly asks if he can speak with her in private. Steve says he has one quick question: "Why do you hate guys so much?" and Miranda stares back at him in shock and goes, "Excuse me?" Considering they just met, he gets that her cuntiness isn't all about him...but for some God only knows why reason, he wants to get to know her better. He asks if it's possible for her to believe he's not some full-of-shit guy and to realize that what they shared the other night was special, but she says she can't, then snarks, "Maybe I've just slept with too many bartenders" and heads back to the table. Steve follows her a few seconds later and politely tells the gals it was nice meeting them, then sadly exits the restaurant. Carrie finally comes clean and admits that Big isn't coming and that they should just get a table for four. Miranda smugly declares, "I knew it! Big's not coming. Men are shit." Charlotte looks sympathetic and asks if he's really not coming, and Carrie just stares shamefully at her feet, voice-overing that she didn't have the heart to tell her optimistic friend that "happily ever after" is nothing but a myth [for needy sluts such as themselves]. Charlotte suddenly exclaims, "There he is!" and Carrie whirls around in slow motion and sees Big enter the restaurant and urgently wave at her. Miranda suddenly looks all discombobulated, then excuses herself to run after Steve in the rain...and unfortunately for him, she's able to catch up to him and apologize. She concedes, "Maybe I can believe" and the two start smooching...which segue ways into Carrie's second last voice-over/pronouncement of the episode: "From that night on, women would tell the tale of a one night stand that turned into a relationship...[and the genesis of Steve's personal hell]." Inside Denial, Mr. Big engages Samantha in conversation by asking her if she ever got it on with "the old coot", and she stares back at him in bewilderment while Carrie snickers, then voice-overs, "That was the night we stopped being a myth and started being real." Until the two of you break up again, five episodes from now. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Miranda is in the process of moving into her new apartment...and to ensure that her Manhattan pad is furnished as stylishly as possible, she's hired Charlotte's perky friend Madeline, an up-and-coming interior designer. As the movers go about their work, Miranda tells Carrie that her old friend Jeremy is considering making the move from London to New York. She's invited him to be her house guest while he scopes out the job situation, and hopes that their flirtatious emails will eventually blossom into something of the wedded bliss variety. Carrie, meanwhile, has become a frequent house guest at Big's apartment. When she forgets to bring along her toiletries one night, she asks him if he has a spare toothbrush, and he presents her with a never-been-used pink colored head for his electric toothbrush. She's overly thrilled by the gesture and voice-overs that she found it to be a very encouraging sign. Jeremy arrives in the U.S. and is crashing at Miranda's apartment. As they relax on her new couch and enjoy a bottle of wine, Jeremy moans about how tired he is of dating and would love to be married...and Miranda grins and takes that as a very encouraging sign. Madeline suddenly drops by unexpectedly to deliver an end table - and Jeremy looks instantly transfixed by the cute blonde and starts chatting her up. Miranda says that she and Jeremy were about to go get dinner, and looks dismayed when Jeremy invites Madeline to join them...and even more dismayed in the next scene, when she finds herself third-wheeling it on their first date. When they finish eating, she suggests to Jeremy that they head back to the apartment 'cause he's gotta be jet lagged - but Jeremy says, on the contrary, he feels great and that he got a lot of sleep on the plane. Miranda says she's beat, so Jeremy tells her to go on home and assures her that he can find his own way back. She points out that he doesn't have a key to get into her apartment - but then Madeline offers him the use of hers...and Miranda has no choice but to throw in the towel and slink home by herself, unloved and alone. One week later, Miranda throws Jeremy a going away party...which quickly becomes an engagement party when he makes an impromptu announcement that Madeline has agreed to marry him. Charlotte shrieks happily and hugs the happy [but insane] couple, while Miranda shoots them the stink-eye and announces that she needs to go out and get some fresh ice. As the gals sit on the stoop outside, Miranda tells them how bummed she is about not being Jeremy's fiancee. Charlotte finds the super speedy engagement encouraging, and points out that Jeremy and Madeline have proven that it's possible for any of them to be engaged within a couple of weeks. Samantha makes a blech face and says she doesn't get why everyone wants to be married so badly, since all married people just want to be single again. She coos, "If you're single, the world is your smorgasbord." Cue a handsome man, who ambles over and asks the gals if this is the building where Jeremy's engagement party is being held. Miranda snaps, "It's a going away party!" and Samantha offers to escort him there and rubs herself against him as they enter the lobby. Miranda grumbles at Charlotte for making her hire Madeline instead of a gay designer, 'cause surely if she'd gone that route, Jeremy would have fallen in love with her. She wails, "Why not me? What am I doing wrong? Am I invisible?" As proof of how completely invisible she is to men, when she and the gals re-enter her building, the doorman just stares at her blankly and asks if he can help her, and she rudely snaps, "I live here!" and storms inside the lobby. When Carrie returns to her apartment, she decides she needs "a reality check" and calls up Mr. Big. She tells him she was just at a party where two people who met a week ago announced their engagement. He goes, "And..?" and reminds her that they live in New York, where nothing is shocking. Carrie says that the couple thinks they're each others' soulmate, and Big wryly says he gives that marriage three months. Carrie asks him if he believes in love at first sight, and he says he believes in lust at first sight and asks her to describe what she's wearing [a strapless, hideous thing]. She then apologizes for waking him up in the middle of the night to prattle her usual nonsense and ends the call. She then stares thoughtfully into space as she continues to think about the evening's events, then taps out on her computer the latest thing she couldn't help but wonder about: In a city as cynical as New York, is it still possible to believe in love at first sight? Madeline is now in wedding planning mode, and for some reason Carrie joins her for one of her appointments. She voice-overs that Charlotte will be a bridesmaid, while Miranda has been put in charge of the guest book. Madeline gushes to Carrie about what a huge fan she is of her column (er, OK..?), then asks her if she could please write a love poem and read it aloud during the ceremony. As the Sex and the City gals have brunch, Carrie laments agreeing to write a love poem and says her expertise is writing about raunchy one night stands. Samantha shifts the topic to herself and tells the gals that she hit the sheets with the guy she picked up at the engagement party - shocker - and was dismayed when she realized, in mid-fuck, that she's already fucked him. Apparently, they bumped uglies fifteen years ago. Charlotte asks her how she could forget someone she slept with, and Carrie reminds her that they're "not talking single digits anymore". And probably not double digits either. An exasperated Samantha declares, "I'm officially out of men to fuck. I have to get married or move." Yay! Move! Charlotte, meanwhile, happily announces that Madeline is letting all the bridesmaids choose their own dresses, so she bought a sexy, black, backless satin number. She says that for too long she's been tasteful and appropriate at weddings - but no more! She barks, "This time people are going to look at me!" and pounds the table with her fist for added emphasis. Carrie is working on her love poem as she and Big cuddle in bed together. He says he definitely wants to attend the wedding so he can watch the spectacle of her reading her poem aloud, and Carrie pretends to be horrified by the idea and playfully hits him with a pillow. Wedding Day! Mr. Big arrives at Carrie's apartment to escort her to the big event. He looks very dapper in his tuxedo, while she looks blech in a flesh colored, shapeless sack of a fugly dress. She asks him to sign the congratulations! card since he's on the guest list, and he seems really put off by that and irritably asks, "How'd they get my name?" Carrie cagily replies that Madeline must have gotten it from Charlotte, then tries to sound all breezy and says it's no big deal if he doesn't want to sign the card, and licks it shut. Miranda is standing beside the guest book, trying to entice people to sign it, but no one seems interested. Samantha, meanwhile, is decked out in a low cleavage strapless dress and checks out the male guests as they arrive. She tells Miranda how annoyed she is that her "re-run" is in attendance and decides she needs to start drinking heavily, and heads over to the bar. Carrie arrives carrying a big wrapped box and asks Miranda if she should be irked at Mr. Big for refusing to sign the card. Maybe...probably...I dunno. Who the hell cares; your relationship is stupid. Charlotte sashays over wearing her sexy backless dress, looking smugly pleased with her hotness. She's greeted by a cute-ish guy who asks her if she's with the bride or groom, and she lights up and tells him she's a bridesmaid. He introduces himself as Martin the best man and says, "I'll be walking you down the aisle" and Charlotte follows him while beaming. Miranda scowls and complains about how invisible she feels standing beside the guest book...and Carrie glances at the program and doesn't like that her love poem reading has been included on the agenda. She mutters that she barely even knows the bride and groom. Well, no duh, but this is the storyline we've been given, so.. After the short ceremony, the newly married couple is introduced and everyone claps. Martin performs his best man duties and delivers a speech, and Charlotte stares at him, transfixed by his cuteness and wit. Madeline announces that Carrie Bradshaw will now read aloud a custom written love poem, and Carrie mutters, "Shitttt" as she makes her way over to the mic. As she begins reading, Mr. Big's phone rings, and he rushes out of the room to take the call. Carrie looks devastated by his abrupt exit and voice-overs how hard it just hit her: two people were committing to a life together, while she couldn't even get a guy to be on a card with her. She continues to read her poem, her voice quivering with emotion...and when she finishes, everyone claps, thinking her tears were that of joy - not sadness because her stupid relationship with Big is so chronically fraught with angst and insecurity. As the guests dance, Charlotte and Martin discuss their future as a happily married couple...then hit the dance floor. Mr. Big returns to the table and asks if he missed anything, and Carrie snarks, "You missed my poem and most of the reception" and asks him if he'd like to dance. He makes a face and says he hates dancing while people are still eating, so Carrie bitchily retorts that she'll be at the bar, "where people are drinking". Over at the bar, a dorky man is telling Samantha he knows her from somewhere, and she glares at him disdainfully and blurts out, "It's very possible we fucked." Unfazed, he says he thinks he knows her from college, so she snaps, "Then we probably fucked in college." Damn, she is one classy wedding guest. Carrie joins her at the bar and whines about how troubled she is that Mr. Big took a phone call during her poem...and then Miranda ambles over with an armful of wedding gifts and asks her if they could help her load up the van. She explains that the guest book person is also the load-up-the-wedding-gifts-in-the-van person. Samantha lets out a delighted shriek when she notices Charlotte and Martin heading upstairs together, hand in hand, and Miranda sourly declares that if those two get married in less than a month, she's refusing to attend the wedding. Charlotte and Martin enter the honeymoon suite to make it more honeymoonish for the bride and groom. She tosses rose petals all over the bed and he spreads silly string around - and a few seconds later they start kissing, and then get it on atop the bed, 'cause yeah that'll be fun and sanitary for Madeline and Jeremy. Twenty minutes later, they return to the reception, pulling silly string out of their hair. Martin introduces Charlotte to his parents, and his father looks charmed by his son's possible new lady and asks Charlotte to dance. She grins and says, "That would be great" - but as soon as they start dancing, he rests his hand on her rump and then gooses her. She shrieks just as Martin cuts in and gushes about how super awesome his dad is, and Charlotte blurts out, "He just felt me up!" Martin immediately gets furious and rails about how his parents have been married for fifty years, and that his dad wouldn't cop a feel "just 'cause some girl is wearing a slutty dress". He then storms off, leaving Charlotte staring after him, bewildered. She bellows, "Did the last four and a half hours mean nothing to you?!" Carrie and Miranda amble down a corridor and run into Mr. Big, who's sitting on a table and looking bored. He jokingly asks if anyone has seen his date, and Carrie explains that she was helping Miranda load up all the gifts in the van. After Miranda wisely heads off, Big says he really really wants to leave...and Carrie poutishly says, "If you want to go, go." He asks her whassup, so she wails, "You wouldn't even sign the card!" and he rolls his eyes derisively. She sadly tells him they don't want the same things, and says she wants to be with someone who's going to be with her until the end..."of a wedding". Big reluctantly agrees to stay if it'll stop her from her endless whining, and she perks up at that and goes, "You will?" but then deflates when they hear Madeline announce the tossing of the bouquet. She agrees that since the reception is wrapping up, they can leave. None of the single women attempts to catch the bouquet, and it lands on the floor in front of Carrie. She glances down at it for a second, then bids the gals adieu and heads home with Big to eat wedding cake at his apartment. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Charlotte's gallery is hosting an art opening for a lesbian painter from Brooklyn Heights, a gathering Carrie describes as "lesbian chic meets art world cool". Charlotte, who is in charge of the exhibit, is in attendance with her latest beau: an uggo named Gareth, who brazenly ogles attractive women when Charlotte's not looking. Carrie's date is Samantha, who's grumbling about the lack of men at the gallery...and when Carrie reminds her that they're at a lesbian art opening, Samantha quips, "Don't straight guys follow them around to see what they're going to do?" Samantha suddenly spots a tall, muscled man and recognizes him as a trainer at her gym, and is about to make a beeline over to him when Carrie suddenly pretends she has a debilitating headache and needs to go home immediately. Samantha's like, "Yeah, OK, whatever" and sashays over to the muscled man, while Carrie slips out of the gallery and heads straight to Mr. Big's building. She voice-overs, "Sure I knew it was wrong, seeing an emotionally unavailable man I had sworn off months earlier." A minute after she enters his apartment, the two strip off their clothes and head for the sack...and while they're in mid-doink, Carrie purringly voice-overs, "I had never felt sexier or more alive in my entire life." Back at the gallery, the power lesbians are flaunting their enormous disposable incomes as they admire the fugly art. One of the servers informs Charlotte that they're out of champagne, so she heads over to the storage room to bring out an extra case...and is shocked to find Gareth locking lips with a blonde woman he had checked out earlier. She makes a WTF? face and goes, "Excuse me..?" and Gareth turns, smiles at her, and says, "Relax. We're just kissing. I'll see you in there." Charlotte chews on that for a few seconds, then shoots him a look of disgust and stalks off. While browsing at a flea market the next day, Charlotte complains to the gals about how Gareth didn't even act like he had been caught cheating. Carrie suggests that perhaps the uncouth douchebag doesn't consider kissing to be an act of cheating, and Samantha whitewashes his boorish behavior further by condescendingly chuckling, "Oh come on. It was only your second date." Miranda then throws a red herring onto the pile and says she once knew a guy who "didn't consider fucking below 23rd Street cheating". Samantha urges the gals to "get in line with reality" then makes one of her dumb, all-encompassing pronouncements: "Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls. Because they can. It's part of their biology." Carrie reminds her that women also cheat, but Charlotte argues, "Women don't generally go around attacking every man they're attracted to." Samantha chuckles at the notion of not attacking every man she finds attractive and cackles, "Speak for yourself!" To summarize the idiotic conversation thus far, Carrie states that Charlotte and Samantha have different definitions of what constitutes cheating. Charlotte concurs and snaps, "I don't tolerate it!" while Samantha boasts that she's much more realistic about human nature, and this prompts Miranda to bellow, "That's because you cheat!" Carrie suggests that perhaps there's a cheating curve, then can't help but wonder if the level of tolerance toward cheating is in direct proportion to how much cheating a person wants to indulge in. Miranda, who's pretending as though they're actually having a coherent discussion about infidelity, looks aghast and cries, "That's moral relativism!" and then Samantha unleashes her most nonsensical pronouncement to date: "The act of cheating is defined by the act of getting caught. One doesn't exist without the other." Back at her apartment, Carrie ponders Samantha's muddle-headed logic and rhetorically asks herself if cheating is like the proverbial "tree in the forest". [No, Carrie. It is not. Being caught cheating occurs in addition to cheating, meaning the cheating has occurred independent of being caught cheating. Arrrrrggggg. Am I really trying to knock sense into a fictional skank who's on a TV show that's been off the air for more than a decade??] Carrie stares thoughtfully at her laptop, then taps out this week's moral mind-bender: In a gravity free world of anything goes, what constitutes cheating? Over at the gym, Samantha's trainer, Thor, leans right up to her ear and declares, "Everybody cheats...that's the great thing about having a trainer." Under his tutelage, Samantha is working out in a way that looks a lot more like private foreplay than cardio in a gym. Afterwards, he asks her how she feels, and she purrs, "You got me all wet...I mean sweaty." Hmm...I can't help but wonder if these two are going to hit the sheets in the next half day or so. Charlotte is at the gallery, on the phone with Gareth as he weakly tries to explain his reasons for making out with the blonde woman. Charlotte notices the arrival of two power lesbians and cuts the call short. They tell her they're there to pay for and retrieve the fugly painting they purchased during the opening. After some pleasant chit-chat, blah blah, the lesbians invite her to join them and some additional lesbians for a drink. Charlotte couldn't think of a reason to decline...and then "a drink" turns into dinner and some late night, inhibition-free dancing at a hot nightclub. Miranda and her latest beau, a dorky documentarian named Ethan, are strolling together after watching a Holocaust film. After a smooch, he invites her to his place...and once they're in his apartment, they immediately strip off their clothes and get it on, 'cause why get to know someone on a human level before whipping out your genitals? While they're making out, he turns on the TV and asks Miranda if she minds watching a little porn to help them (meaning him) get in the mood. Miranda just kind of shrugs...but when the same thing happens a few nights later, she starts to get irritated. She asks him if the TV really needs to be on while they doink, and he responds by asking her to move her head slightly so he can get a better view of the TV screen. So, um, yes. Carrie is spending the evening with Mr. Big, cooking terrible tasting fondu. When they both agree it's too awful to eat, he asks her if they can go eat at a restaurant now. She agrees, gives him a smooch, and says she hasn't told anyone they've been hitting the sheets again. He says he hasn't either, and they agree to keep the reigniting of their shitty relationship quiet. Early the next morning, Carrie quietly gets dressed and beats a hasty retreat from Big's apartment. As she makes the walk of shame while dressed in evening wear and puffing on a cigarette, she voice-overs about how their relationship somehow felt illicit. She runs into Miranda, who's headed to a breakfast meeting, and says she's on her way to the dentist. She then quickly deflects from the fib and asks, "How's Ethan?" Miranda says it's become borderline humiliating when he puts porn on every time they doink and thinks he's more interested in the girls in the video. Well, d'yuh. Carrie clucks sympathetically and agrees that she deserves a man's full attention. Samantha - shock of all shocks - is doinking her trainer, Thor. Afterwards, they go into the shower together, and he offers to shave her legs...then asks her if she's a dirty girl. [Dirty? Dunno. A brazenly lewd, conscienceless slut-bag? Bingo.] Samantha purrs, "It depends on your definition of dirty" so Thor takes this as an invitation to shave her nether regions and gets all bonsai with it. Later, the gals gather at Carrie's apartment. Samantha asks, "What is this thing guys have these days about wanting to shave your pubic hair?" Miranda jokes that maybe Thor wanted a little girl, but Samantha argues that in her case it was like being branded; apparently Thor shaved her pubes into the shape of a lightning bolt. Charlotte arrives, decked out in fancy-wear 'cause she's meeting up with the power lesbians later. Miranda remarks that she's been out with them three times this week, and Charlotte says they're interesting, cultured, and don't drone on endlessly about their insecure need for men to fill any kind of void in their lives. Samantha asks her if the lesbians know she's straight, and Charlotte just sort of stares off into the distance. Miranda advises her to tell them, and Samantha concurs and adds, "Otherwise you're nothing but a big clit tease." She then calls to Carrie, who has locked herself in the bathroom for the entire scene, and asks her if everything is OK. Carrie comes out and sheepishly tells them her new diaphragm is stuck, and that one of them is going to have to dig around her cootch to help pry it loose. An icked out Miranda backs away and motions at Charlotte and says, "You're the lesbian. Go in there!" but when Charlotte looks ill at the thought, Samantha rolls up her sleeves and brashly announces that she'll do it. The gals are out on the town, strolling along a busy Midtown street. They ask Carrie exactly why she's on birth control, so she admits that she and Mr. Big have resurrected their obnoxious hookup. All three are appalled, berate the nitwit for getting back together with someone who treated her so shabbily, and demand to know why she's been sneaking around. Carrie gets miffed by the inquisition and storms off in a huff. Carrie paces the length of her apartment, furiously puffing on a cigarette and overthinking her reignited relationship with Mr. Big. She agonizes about how she doesn't know where it's going, and worries it might be a mistake. The next morning, Charlotte attends a brunch with the power lesbians and is introduced to the Queen Bee Lesbian: a woman named Patty, who owns a fabulous house in Telluride. After some benign chit-chat, Patty comes right out and asks Charlotte if she's gay, and Charlotte admits she's not - but hastily adds that she greatly enjoys the company of smart, funny women and feels a strong connection to the female spirit. Patty wryly replies, "Sweetheart, that's all very nice. But if you're not going to eat pussy, you're not a dyke." And that, I guess, is that for the lesbian contingent on Sex on the City until Samantha briefly becomes one in Season 4. Samantha is taking a relaxing steam after her workout...and as she lounges naked in the sauna, the naked woman beside her gets an eyeful of her lightning bolt pubes, then huffily stands in front of Samantha to show her her lightning bolt pubes and barks, "That asshole!" Right - 'cause it's such a huge surprise to discover that Thor turned out not to be monogamous dating material. Miranda and Ethan are once again doinking while Ethan watches porn. Miranda finally gets fed up with the humiliation and grabs the remote and snarks, "This is not a synchronized event!" She gives him an ultimatum: the women in the video or her. He weighs the two options carefully, then explains that while she's a real live woman he's known for several weeks, the TV porn women have kept him company for years. An appalled Miranda glares at him, throws the remote at him, and snaps, "I am sooooo outa here!" Carrie and Mr. Big are out together, ballroom dancing. She asks him if they're officially seeing each other now, and he just shrugs disinterestedly and mutters, "If you say so." She calls him infuriating and keeps pressing the issue, but he remains stubbornly vague. She cocks her head to the side like a puppy and asks, "Why did we break up?" and he answers her question with the question, "You tell me" and reminds her that she was the one who dumped him. She says it was 'cause he didn't tell her what she wanted to hear - but stops short of admitting that she was afraid he wouldn't love her the way she wanted, nay needed to be loved. She wisely decides against baring her soul and breezily replies, "I guess I was afraid" and he flashes his annoying shit-eating grin and says, "I sure did miss you. Officially." As he envelopes her in a hug, Carrie decides that, yes, they were officially back together. And that's her story and she's sticking to it. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: According to Carrie, there are only ever two occasions on which a woman should be wearing a little black dress during daylight hours:
The camera pans over to a local newspaper that's laying around in her apartment, whose headline reads: Javier, Designer, Dead at 34. Carrie explains that Javier was a Cuban designer who died of a heroin overdose. Samantha arrives at her apartment dressed in a pale blue dress (one of Javier's designs) and a big floppy hat. When Carrie chides her for not wearing something in black or more somber, Samantha retorts, "I have to look fabulous! Everyone is going to be there." Charlotte arrives a few minutes later to accompany them to the funeral, and she's dressed in black. She gives Samantha a disapproving once-over and says, "That dress is really inappropriate." A surprised Carrie reports that nearly everyone in attendance at the funeral is decked out in colorful outfits, essentially showcasing Javier's new spring line. Charlotte is now self-conscious in her frumpy black dress and asks Samantha to lend her her big floppy hat, which she reluctantly hands over. The woman giving the eulogy is Javier's sister Josefina - who, according to Carrie "went from ugly to hot" now that she's running her late brother's fashion house. Carrie voice-overs, "Death definitely became her" then lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away. Charlotte shoots her the stink-eye for polluting the air for everyone around her, but Carrie breezily says, "Javier would have wanted it that way." When Josefina announces the imminent launch of a new charity, Javier's House, which will help people with substance abuse problems, Samantha clutches her heart and pretends to be moved by the philanthropic gesture. She tells Carrie she's going to volunteer to help fundraise, then exclaims, "The client list will be great! I'll have every unlisted 212 number in Manhattan!" The big floppy hat that Charlotte is wearing suddenly blows off of her head, and she chases after it and ends up standing in front of a man (named Ned) who's visiting his late wife's grave. He picks up the hat and solemnly hands it to Charlotte, then points at his wife's headstone and sadly says, "She loved hats." Charlotte, who's clearly already getting ideas about the handsome, well groomed stranger, asks him if he has any children, and doesn't attempt to hide her relief when he shakes his head and goes, "Nope." Later, in the cab, Charlotte tells Carrie and Samantha that she and Ned are getting together for drinks...and that he works on the same block as her gallery. Carrie's all, "Wha-a?! You picked up a man at a cemetery?!" and Charlotte grins and gushes about how handsome he is and that he went to Princeton. Samantha warns her she'll never be able to live up to his dead wife, but Charlotte argues that going through so much grief has made Ned incredibly sensitive and in touch with his emotions, then dreamily adds, "It's kind of romantic." Charlotte points out that since Ned's been married, it's proof he can commit - but Samantha advises her to date a divorced guy, 'cause that too proves he can commit...and everyone's still alive. Carrie puffs on her cigarette and invokes Mr. Big (fuuuuuuuck!!) when she says that marriage merely convinced him how much he hated committing. Charlotte reminds her that she broke up with him, and to shut her fucking trap about him for once and for all. [OK, that last part was me, unable to repress how much I fucking hate the 'will they/won't they?' type of relationship TV writers seem to love regularly boring viewers with.] Miranda is looking at an apartment she's interested in purchasing. The female realtor goes, "So...it's just you?" and Miranda curtly replies, "Yup. Just me." The realtor remarks that it's much too big of place for just her - which is stupid, since I'm sure she works on commission - and Miranda jokes that she has lots of shoes. The realtor looks hopeful and says, "Maybe the boyfriend will move in?" and Miranda says she doesn't have a boyfriend. The realtor perks up at that and says she has a son who owns his own business, then pulls out a photo of him from her wallet - but Miranda refuses to even look at it and says, "No thanks." She then glances around the living room and announces, "I'll take it!" Carrie's lounging around her apartment, puffing on a cigarette and contemplating her dismal future. She wonders how much time she has left, then thinks about all the things she hasn't yet done: travel to Greece, finish painting her bathroom, paying off her Visa card. She laments, "Sometimes I felt like I was barely living." Her melancholy mood prompts her to phone Big (fuuuuuuuck!!) and report to him that she just got home from a funeral. She asks him if he'd like to get together for dinner some time, and he accepts her invitation and suggests they eat at Robertos on Saturday night. Samantha is doing her best to convince to convince Richard Cranwell, a senior partner at Bear Stearns, to join the board of the Javier House. When he compliments her "beauty", she smiles and seductively purrs, "Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Cranwell." He tells her to call him Dick (subtle, show), then suggests discussing the Javier House over dinner. She coos, "That could be arranged" and he leans in for a kiss and then mounts her. A few seconds later, his wife (Sandy) enters the room, glares (mostly at Samantha), and snaps, "Get. Out." Samantha hastily slinks out of the room, while Richard just shrugs and grins awkwardly at his wife as though he had absolutely nothing to do with climbing atop another woman in their living room seconds earlier. Miranda is in a meeting with her mortgage officer, closing the deal on her new apartment. As they go over the paperwork, the officer says, "So...just you?" and Miranda grits her teeth and replies, "Yeah...just me." He hands her a document and instructs her to check the single woman box, then stupidly asks, "And the down payment's coming from your father?" She glares at him and says, "No...just me" and refrains from reminding him that she's a wealthy lawyer with a full time job who's more than capable of making mortgage payments. Later, the gals are out for lunch at a fancy restaurant, discussing the sexism Miranda just endured. She says if she were a single man, none of this would be happening...and that even though she has lots of money and a great job, she still gets, "It's just....you??" Carrie's theory is that the mortgage officer is threatened [yes Carrie, that has to be it], then adds, "Buying a place alone means you don't need a man." Miranda flatly declares, "I don't." Charlotte looks troubled by the staunchly feminist declaration and argues, "Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he rents, then the power structure is all off. It's emasculating. Men don't want women who are too self-sufficient." Samantha makes a face and jokes, "Did someone just order a Victorian straight up?" just as the waitress comes over to snarkishly inform her that her credit card isn't accepting. Samantha says that's not possible and urges her to try it again, so the waitress snootily says, "Let me make myself clear. Your card and you are not accepted here." Carrie voice-overs, "Samantha had messed with the wrong woman" and explains that Sandy Cranwell practically owned Manhattan - including restaurant waitresses, apparently - and had put out a "social hit" on Samantha, causing her to go "from A-list to blacklist". Please. I have a hard time believing that Ms. Slutty Pants could ever be considered "A-list" among Manhattan's elite. The next evening, Charlotte meets Ned the Widower for drinks. When he pulls out his wallet to pay for the drinks, Charlotte spots a photo of his late wife and exclaims, "Oooh, she was so pretty." Ned says it's awkward talking about Liz while on a date with another woman and invites her to leave with him. In the next scene, the two are strolling along the street together. He tears up and apologizes for the emotional reaction to his late wife's photo, then bursts into tears. Charlotte offers him a tissue, looks impressed with his emotional outburst, and tells him to take as much time as he needs. He leans in for a hug, a kiss, and soon the two are making out in earnest. Forty-five minutes later, they're having sex at his apartment under the watchful eyes of Liz's framed photo on the nightstand. Miranda warns Charlotte that Ned is on the rebound - but Charlotte argues that their hookup can't be considered a rebound if the other person is dead. She insists she's helping him get over his wife, and Miranda sighs and derisively says, "This guy has project written all over him." Carrie asks how the sex was, and Charlotte dreamily replies, "It was amazing" and adds that she strongly felt Liz was looking over them, giving her blessing...and Carrie cackles and calls it "a threesome in absentia". Charlotte recalls how the big floppy hat she was wearing at the cemetery flew directly in front of Liz's headstone, and she's chosen to interpret this as a message to her and Ned. She then says that Ned has invited her to a memorial service at Liz's grave next week, and she's chosen to interpret that as a sign he's ready to move on. As Carrie primps for her date with Mr. Big, she feels a wide range of emotions: fear, happiness dread. She asks, "Was I ready to jump back into a life with Big in it? Was seeing him again a huge mistake?" As she puffs on her cigarette, she voice-overs that she's never felt so confused, and wonders if Charlotte was right: "In a world where everyone's dying to make a connection, can a relationship bring you back to life?" For some reason, she opted not to type that question/pronouncement/pearl of wisdom on her laptop. Maybe she finished her column for the week. Carrie prattles about the afterlife, which Big says he's never really thought much about. Carrie says she believes in reincarnation, so Big asks her who she's coming back as, and she leans in and sassily whispers, "Someone who knows better." She asks him if he believes in heaven, and he says he envisions heaven as a big welcoming bed, which appalls Carrie, and she declares, "I'm not sleeping with you tonight." Big shrugs and says, "I know. We're just having dinner"...but half an hour later, the two are rubbing up against each other at his front door. Carrie moans, "We can't do this" and says she has to go...then scampers off. As she walks home alone, puffing on her stupid cigarette, she decides that going on a date with Big had been a bad idea. Samantha is having problems getting into clubs and restaurants because of her sordid history of whoring around with wealthy women's husbands. Bwahahaha! Miranda is at her new apartment, taking measurements, when she meets one of her new neighbors. The neighbor, an elderly woman, gushes about how great it is to have a young person in the building who's sure to bring life to the place. She then puts her sad face on and says, "Ruthie kept to herself. Never married...died in there." She then explains that Ruthie, the previous occupant of Miranda's apartment, passed away and wasn't discovered for a week...and during that time, her cat ate half of her face. Shame shame. I guess that's what you get for being old and single. In the next scene, Miranda overfeeds her cat with kibble (har har), then eats some Chinese takeout. As she's noshing, something gets lodged in her throat, and she wanders around, choking, until she barrels into a stack of moving boxes, causing whatever she was choking on to dislodge itself and pop out of her mouth. She immediately grabs the phone and calls Carrie, but Carrie's not answering 'cause she's screening for Mr. Big like the overdramatic baby she is. When Miranda starts to leave her a panic-filled message, Carrie snatches up the phone and asks whassup. Miranda tells her she almost choked to death, then cries, "I'm going to die alone, Carrie!" Carrie half-heartedly assures her she won't, then offers to come over, but Miranda declines and says she'll call her tomorrow. After a week of being the social pariah she totally deserves to be, Samantha decided to go to the top of New York's social food chain: the queen of the 'ladies who lunch', Shippy Shipman. Shippy studies the skank sitting across from her with a mixture of disdain and amusement and says, "I know you from somewhere." Samantha suggests perhaps she's seen her at the Javier Foundation, but Shippy murmurs, "No...that's not it" then pretends to suddenly remember how she knows her and unleashes this delightful zinger: "I believe you're the whore who once groped my husband at a Whitney benefit." Bwahahaha! Samantha uncomfortably replies, "I don't really remember" then has the nerve to ask Shippy if she could speak to Sandy Cranwell about calling off the social hit. Shippy pretends to mull that over and says, "I think you've made your own bed and you need to lie in it. And you're good at that, aren't you, Samantha?" Samantha angrily blurts out, "What do you want me to say? That I'm a whore? That I've slept with every man in New York and some in Brooklyn?" She admits she has, then wails, "OK. I'm a big whore! Now will you help me?" Shippy gives her a tight smile and replies, "I don't think so" so Samantha gets up and heads to the door, then bitchily informs Shippy that she only groped her husband's flat ass 'cause she was drunk. Classy as always, Samantha. As Miranda wanders around her new neighborhood, she suddenly feels faint and discombobulated and nearly gets hit by a cab. She manages to catch the next one that comes along without getting run over and heads straight to the nearest hospital. A $500 exam later (does her law firm offer no health insurance?), she learns she suffered a panic attack. Carrie rushes over to the hospital to see whassup, and Miranda nonsensically tells her that at her funeral, she'll probably only have half a face. Carrie orders her to breathe, and Miranda whimpers, "I'm all alone, Carrie." [So much for her "I don't need a man" pronouncement from a few scenes ago.] She natters about how her emergency contact people are her parents who live in Pennsylvania, and she doesn't even like them. Carrie offers to be her local emergency contact person, but Miranda wails, "You screen!" so Carrie promises she'll always pick up. She tells Miranda she did the right thing buying her apartment, and assures her she won't be alone forever...but as she wraps a comforting arm around Miranda, she voice-overs, "The truth was, I didn't know if any of us would end up alone." Charlotte arrives the cemetery carrying a beautiful bouquet of lilies. As she greets Ned, two attractive women carrying flowers also arrive and start walking over. Charlotte stares at them in puzzlement and says to Ned, "Please tell me they're your sisters." Ned smiles goofily and rejoins, "I don't have sisters" and happily waves at the two women. Charlotte is so appalled by his brazen womanizing that she repeatedly hits him with her flowers and storms off. Samantha has hit rock bottom, otherwise known as the Javier House. Unable to raise money and get anyone to return her calls, she decided to work on the construction site, transporting loads of dirt with a wheelbarrow. After six hours of hard labor, Samantha experienced her own rebirth in the form of Leonardo DiCaprio (note: "Leonardo" is a glowy blob that the writers originally intended to be John F. Kennedy, Jr. - but then he tragically died after the episode first aired) extending his hand to her. On that day, Samantha and Leonardo became fast friends, and somehow their friendship convinced the ladies who lunch to stop shunning the shameless tramp. Miranda's mortgage officer made an error on her mortgage application by accidentally labeling her as separated instead of single. (Is this a real thing on a mortgage application?) The officer's error meant that Miranda had to write a humiliating letter stating, I am single. Egads! She can barely bring herself to type the words, but then realized she had a choice: panic or just type up the damn thing and move on with her life. She opts to type the letter, then toasts her laptop with a mug of coffee. As she unpacks her stuff, she finds a framed photo of her and the gals...and realized that she probably wouldn't die alone, but continued to overfeed her cat, just in case. I wonder if the overfeeding has anything to do with his eventual name: Fatty. Mr. Big appears at Carrie's apartment, worried that she was laying in a ditch somewhere instead of rudely ignoring his phone calls. When she answers the door, he glares at her, says, "Good. You're alive" and turns to leave. Carrie urges him to wait, then apologizes for being such a rude turd. She then announces, "We're going out"...and the two end up at the most non-sexual place she can think of: a bowling lane. As Big jokes about wearing rented two tone shoes, Carrie giggles obnoxiously. When Big bowls a strike and wins the game, she bleats, "Two out of three!" They start to kiss, and Carrie voice-overs, "We didn't make it to the second game" 'cause apparently they rushed over to his place to have sex. She happily announces, "Big and I had been reincarnated, and I had never felt more alive." Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!! Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
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