Recap: Carrie voice-overs, "Some events come along so rarely that when they do, special attention must be paid." By some events, she means that all four Sex and the City gals are without a relationship at the same time...and by without a relationship, she means that none of them have knocked boots in the last twenty-four hours with a guy they rubbed up against at a party or in a bar. The gals are partying at a downtown salsa club, flailing around on the dance floor...and a sexy man sitting at a nearby table brazenly checks out Samantha, then raises his glass as if to toast her. The gals take a break and head over to the bar to do shots, and Samantha advises anxiety-ridden Charlotte to take a page out of her book: enjoy men, but don't expect them to fill you up (no pun intended). The sexy man who was checking out Samantha comes over and asks her to dance - but she declines and says, "Tonight it's just us girls." He introduces himself as William and says he's one of the club's owners, then leaves her his card. Carrie announces that she's off to go home and get some sleep, 'cause in the morning she's scheduled for a photo shoot for New York Magazine. Apparently, they're doing a profile piece on twenty Manhattan singles called "Single and Skanky"...hee, I mean "Single and Fabulous". She explains that the only reason she was chosen is 'cause Stanford's new boyfriend, Nevin, is the assistant photo editor for the shoot. Makes more sense now. The gals urge her to stay for one more drink, so she does - but then one drink turned into several, and one dance turned into staying out all night...and it isn't until until dawn when she decides it's finally time to drag her ass home. Carrie's plan was to stay awake until the shoot...but she ends up falling asleep while reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. A little while later, Stanford calls and leaves a panic-stricken message on her machine, telling her she's forty minutes late and that everyone at the shoot is freaking out. The message jolts Carrie into consciousness, and she snatches up the phone and barks, "I'll be there in twenty." Nevin is pacing the studio floor and looking really pissed off when Carrie bursts into the studio wearing a fugly poncho and puffing on a cigarette. Stanford's like, "Ack!" and tells her she looks even shittier than usual, so she explains that she was up all night and desperately needs a coffee. He introduces her to Nevin, who glares at her and snarls, "Hello. You're about a fucking month late" then hustles her over to the camera so the photographer can take some test shots. She starts snapping photos of Carrie, who continues to puff away on her cigarette and look grisly. Carrie asks the photographer if there's going to be time for hair and makeup, and she murmurs, "Mmm, yeah.." and continues to snap away. Carrie, Miranda, and Charlotte are out power walking in Central Park when Miranda runs into Josh, a cute doctor she knows. He jogs with them for a few minutes and invites Miranda to give him a call, then scampers off. When Carrie asks for the details, Miranda explains, "He's an ophthalmologist I once faked orgasms with." When Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" Miranda says she slept with him twice, faked orgasms on both occasions, then stopped returning his calls 'cause she strongly feels that not orgasming during intercourse is a relationship deal breaker. Carrie heads over to her favorite magazine stand to stock up on cigarettes...and as she's doing that, she catches her first glimpse of New York Magazine's latest issue. She's horrified to see her ugly mug on the cover - which was clearly one of the photographer's "test shots" - accompanied by the headline, "Single & Fabulous?" Bwahahahaha!! Carrie meets up with the gals at a diner to lament her public humiliation. She moans in bewilderment, "Single and fabulous - question mark?" and says she never would have agreed to participate in the photo shoot if she knew there was going to be a question mark at the end of Single & Fabulous. She says she feels set up, and Samantha concurs, "You're single, fabulous...and fucked." Carrie wryly retorts, "After that picture, I won't be." Charlotte leafs through the magazine and asks Miranda if they can sue, but Miranda just scrunches her face in puzzlement and goes, "For what? Mispunctuation?" Charlotte reads aloud bits of the article, which I thoroughly enjoyed.. Single was fun at twenty, but you want to ask these woman how fun will all night club-hopping be at forty. Charlotte indignantly asks, "Who's out all night?" [Carrie is - as evidenced by the first paragraph of this episode recap] and then Samantha snarks, "Who's forty?" [You were forty-three in 1999, Kim Cattrall. Deal with it.] Miranda gets fed up and snaps, "You know what I say? Fuck them. Exclamation point." She says that this type of article is designed to be a cautionary tale that scares young women into marriage. Charlotte kind of ignores her and continues to read the article aloud.. Filling their lives with an endless parade of decoys and distractions to avoid the painful fact that they’re completely alone. Miranda grabs the magazine from her and snaps, "How is that helping?" and protests too much that "this trash" has nothing to do with them. Samantha agrees and says, "That's right. We are single and fabulous" and she and Miranda high-five each other. Carrie voice-overs that despite their bravado, she had a sneaking suspicion that her three besties didn't totally believe in their fabulousness...and the camera pans over Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte as they contemplate their chronic dependance on men for validation (despite their haughty insistence to the contrary in every episode), and the general emptiness of their shallow lives. Carrie's ugly mug on the cover of New York Magazine cover spooked the gals, and within a week:
Carrie taps away at her computer while dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, which was a visual I could have done without. She remarks that women were no strangers to faking it (e.g. hair color, cup size, fur), but yet she couldn't help but wonder, "Has fear of being alone suddenly raised the bar on faking? Are we faking more than orgasms? Are we faking entire relationships?" She types: is it better to fake it than be alone? Carrie invites the gals to hang with her at her apartment 'cause she's too afraid to go out with that horrific New York Magazine cover circulating around Manhattan, and worries about being scorned and chased by people with sticks. As well she should be. Miranda says she's still seeing Josh and continuing to fake orgasms. She disdainfully recalls him telling her how much he digs it when she climaxes while they're in mid-doink, then wails, "How can he actually believe that that's all it takes?!" Carrie snaps, "Because you're faking it!" Miranda looks contrite and says he's a nice guy who means well, and that she hates herself right now. As well she should. Samantha announces that she has a date with William later...and judging by the way he dances, she doubts she'll have to fake anything. As Samantha and William dance together at his salsa club, he starts gabbling about his club in the Hamptons, then tells her he's planning to rent a house there this summer. In the next scene, he's continuing to coo at her while they're in her bed, saying, "We can spend weekends there...we can go sailing...we can walk on the beach." As Samantha dreamily stares into space, Carrie voice-overs how unusual it was for a man to use we so comfortably so early on. The next day, Samantha calls Carrie and goes, "Guess where I'm spending the summer?" then tells her about how William is renting a house in East Hampton and has asked her to spend the summer with him. Carrie scrunches her face in puzzlement and asks, "Isn't it a little early in the relationship?" and Samantha concurs and says he's been doing the we thing about everything. Miranda's in bed with Josh, who's moaning, "I'm getting close...come with me" but Miranda just lays beneath him like a skewered fish and stares. Josh deflates and asks her if everything is OK, and she confesses to not climaxing, then says she's pretty much been faking her orgasms all the other times. Josh looks mortified and wonders aloud if every woman he's ever been with was also faking. Miranda tells him that a woman's anatomy is a little complicated, and he perks up and asks her to give him some tips to get her off. She informs him that her clitoris is two inches from where he thinks it is, and he looks shamefaced and moans, "Oh my God.." Carrie drops by Charlotte’s apartment to check out all the home improvement projects she and Tom have been working on. Apparently, Tom decided not to move to Salt Lake City after all. When he leaves the room to find a tool, Charlotte tells Carrie that when Tom told her he was moving, she suddenly developed feelings for him. She adds that she looooves that he's a strong, masculine guy who can fix stuff around the house. Carrie chuckles and says, "You can't create a relationship with a guy just 'cause he can caulk your tub", but Charlotte nods furiously and insists, "Yes you can!" As Carrie ambles along the street, she couldn't help but wonder: when did being alone become the modern equivalent of being a leper? [It didn't, Carrie. It's all in your head.] She heads over to her favorite news stand to stock up on cigarettes again, and is dismayed to see that the current issue of New York Magazine is still the one with her ugly mug on the cover. The merchant shoots her a look of pity as he hands her her change, so she snaps, "Yes, it's me!" then two seconds later decides that nothing or no one is going to stop her being who she was: single and fabulous! That night, Carrie goes out for drinks with Stanford...and to her dismay, he brings along his boyfriend. When she sees Nevin, she snarls, "Hi. I hate you" and Nevin laughs heartily, apologizes for the cover photo, and assures her he had nothing to do with it. Samantha is in a fancy restaurant, waiting for William. A Pakistani waiter asks her if she wants to order anything, so she tells him she's waiting for someone...but after an hour, she finally realizes that We William wasn't ever going to show up. Apparently, he faked a future to get what he wanted in the present. In her flustered state, Samantha knocks over a glass of red wine and blubbers to the waiter, "I'm so embarrassed!" and hightails it to the ladies room. When she comes out, she finds him waiting for her...and he asks her if she's OK. She tells him he's very sweet and needlessly explains that she fell for some guy's line, then moans, "Sometimes you just need to hear we." The waiter leans in and plants a big smooch on her lips and begs her to take him home, but she sadly shakes her head, hands him a tip, and shuffles out. Carrie is clubbing and getting very drunk. She spills her drink on some guy sitting next to her, and when she tries to wipe his pants, he irritably says, "It's fine" and shoves her away from him. Haha! She gets insulted and yells, "Fuck you! Exclamation point!" An embarrassed Stanford tells her it's time to go, but she petulantly tells him to go, fluffs her mangy rat's nest, and chirps, "I wanna meet cute guys!" As she pulls out a cigarette, a not-yet-famous Bradley Cooper appears in front of her with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. He asks her if she needs a light, and she gazes up at his loveliness and instantly decides, "He was everything I was looking for that night." Miranda and Josh are going at it in bed again, but he's still not able to get her off. When he gets dangerously close to blowing his load, Miranda decides to throw him a bone (no pun intended) for all of his hard work and fakes a really fake sounding orgasm by bouncing up and down, shrieking loudly. Another visual I could have done without. Carrie is dancing drunkenly and falling all over people. When Bradley Cooper invites her to take a ride in his Porsche, she squeals, "Fabulous!" and exits the bar with him. They drive a few blocks to a nearby convenience store so he can buy more smokes, and Carrie suddenly grabs him and gives him a big smooch. She fluffs her hair again and stares at herself in the rear-view mirror, wondering what she was so afraid of all week. She deludedly pronounces, "I was still young, still desirable. I would never wind up alone." Bradley Cooper returns from the store with a copy of the offending New York Magazine and slaps it against the car window and asks, sounding incredulous, "Is that you?!" Carrie whirls around in slo-mo to look at what he's talking about, then stares grimly at the beastly photograph, rhetorically wondering, "Was that me?" She nonsensically decides, "If I went home with that man, it would be the only time I'd ever slept with a man to validate my life" [not counting every other time she's hit the sack with a bare acquaintance for no other reason than to validate her life]. She tells Bradley Cooper she's gotta go, but he says, "No way I'm letting you out" (mmm...that's hot) so Carrie escapes his sexy clutches through the Porsche's open sun roof and defiantly stalks off. Charlotte and Tom are laying in bed together, and both are fully aware that they've been faking their relationship. Tom says he's decided to move to Salt Lake City after all...and he and Charlotte pretend they'll miss each other while Carrie triumphantly voice-overs, "It was a perfectly timed double-fake!" After that, things got back to normal:
Carrie, meanwhile, faced being alone head on. And by head on, she means sitting by herself in an outdoor cafe like a lonely dullard with only a glass of wine to keep her company. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how the hopefulness of the immigrants who sailed across the ocean to start a new life in America during the early 1900s is somehow comparable to the desperate singles in Manhattan who spend their evenings trolling around bars and restaurants in the hopes of making it to their final destination: the state of matrimony. Case not in point ('cause she's not one of the hopefuls seeking marriage, just an endless string of meaningless one night stands): Samantha is out on a date with a hot lawyer named Harrison. He invites her to his swanky apartment...and in the next scene, the two are sprawled on his bed, going at it. As they exchange sexy banter, he makes a remark about her being an older woman, and she gets insulted and snaps, "Excuse me?" He's like, "Come on. What are you, like forty?" [Close, Harrison. In 1999, Kim Cattrall was forty-three.] Now that the mood has been ruined, Samantha coldly says she's going to freshen up and then haughtily storm out. After staring at herself in the bathroom mirror and desperately trying to smooth out the crow's feet, she reenters the bedroom but can't find Harrison. She hears his muffled voice coming from the closet, and when she opens it, she finds him naked and chained up with a collar around his neck, S&M style. He orders her to slap him hard, but she just stares at him in bewilderment and says, "You've got to be kidding." Samantha has invited the gals to a party she's hosting for the launch of a new coffee table book, and the four huddle together and discuss Harrison's disturbing S&M fetish. Miranda flatly states that men are freaks and declares, "If a man is over thirty and still single there's something wrong with him." Carrie points out the obvious when she asks, "What about us?" and Miranda says, "We're just choosy." Samantha fake chuckles and says that Harrison actually thought she was forty, then leans over to Carrie and anxiously asks her if she looks anywhere near forty. Carrie smiles thoughtfully at her friend, knowing she's just been put in a must lie situation, and unconvincingly bullshits, "You don't look a day over thirty-five." Charlotte arrives at the club and excitedly tells the gals that her newest beau is a delectable hunk named Mitch Saylor. Samantha smiles knowingly and says she knows all about him, and the four hustle over to the bathroom so they can dish in relative privacy. Samantha says that Mitch is known as "Mr. Pussy" 'cause he looooves to go down on women and has become kind of a legend in that area. Charlotte looks revolted and says she has no desire to date a man who's known as Mr. Pussy, but Samantha encourages her to go out with him and enjoy his expert tongue. Some random woman exits one of the stalls and shares that she dated Mitch Saylor for a month, and that his pussy-lapping talents are unbelievable. She motions toward Charlotte and chirps, "Enjoy!" Charlotte looks icked out...and then even more icked out when the four emerge from the bathroom and see Mitch sitting at the bar, creepily staring in their direction as he suggestively licks and sucks on an hors d'oeuvre. Somehow none of the gals remarks that it really does look like there's something seriously wrong with the guy. Carrie wasn't ready to accept that all single men were freaks...and she had so much hope in her heart that she actually agreed to go out on a blind date. Her date turns out to be an ugly documentarian who tells her he's only filming documentaries as a springboard to feature films so he can make lots and lots of money one day. Carrie looks aghast and labels him "the man with no soul" as circus music starts playing in the background. In the next scene, she's on a date with a different guy, and the two are standing in line at the movies. Without warning or provocation, he starts screaming at the group of people behind them for leaning in too close...and as the circus music starts up again, Carrie brands him "the man with two faces". Following that disaster, she goes out with an investment banker, and while the two are browsing used books in an outdoor market, she notices him steal a tattered paperback. Cue the circus music as Carrie dubs him "the man who steals cheap used books for no reason". Back in her apartment, Carrie leafs through a book entitled Freak Shows and theorizes that since freaks are no longer confined to the circus, they now roam free among normal people. She worriedly asks, "Is it true?" then taps on her computer: "Are all men freaks?" No, Carrie. They are not. The three losers you just had dates with are in no way an accurate representation of the rest of the world's male population. Charlotte has decided to take the plunge and go to bed with Mitch...and Mitch eagerly tunnels under her bedsheets and gets busy...and soon he's making Charlotte come harder than she ever had before. Wow - really? Even harder than she did with The Rabbit? We then get an icky montage of her being pleasured by Mitch on various other occasions and climaxing multiple times. Incidentally, Mitch really looks like a demented troll, the way he ogles Charlotte from under the sheets. Carrie is hanging out by the fountain in Central Park when a nice looking man sits near her. They covertly check each other out, quietly wondering if the other is crazy or not. Carrie smiles at him and says she just had a bad date, and the guy nods sympathetically and says, "Been there" and says he's definitely had his share of those. They introduce themselves and we find out his name is Ben. Carrie carefully scrutinizes him and explains that she's trying to find out which part of him is freakish, and he tells her that women can be just as freakish - they just hide it well. He says he stopped dating 'cause "women are bizarre"...but then throws all caution and good sense to the wind and asks her if she'd like to have dinner with him sometime, but clarifies that it would be a non-date dinner. Carrie mulls that over and accepts, and the two exchange phone numbers. Samantha runs into a friend named Monica, who is looking fantastic after a procedure during which she got fat from her ass injected into her face. Er...OK. Samantha looks intrigued, and an hour later books an appointment for herself with a plastic surgeon. Carrie and Ben stroll along the sidewalk after their non-date dinner. When they reach her brownstone, he says that since this is a non-date, he's not going to try to wrangle an invitation to get upstairs. The two then share a non-kiss as Carrie breathlessly voice-overs, "There was nothing non about it" and then the two indulge in a full-on smoochfest. Samantha tells the gals that in three days she's having ass fat injected into her face, which will make her look even more fabulous than she thinks she looks now. She then needlessly lifts her skirt and shows them the girdle she has to wear to keep her ass fat tight. Charlotte gushes about how amazing Mitch is and thinks they have a chance at a future together. Samantha disapproves and decrees that Mr. Pussy belongs in the public domain; therefore, she should enjoy him for however long she can be in the same room with him and not be creeped out, then set him free. Miranda agrees and asks Charlotte what she even knows about the guy beyond his tonguing abilities...and Charlotte admits that all they ever seem to do is hit the sheets. Carrie and Ben try their luck at matchmaking and set up Miranda with Ben's friend, Luke. The four go on a double date and casually stroll through Central Park. Miranda mentions that she's spending the weekend in Connecticut, and Luke makes a blech face and says he hates the country and hasn't left Manhattan in ten years. Miranda stares at him incredulously and goes, "And you're proud of that?" and Luke's like, "Well, d'yuh" and says that everything he needs is right here. Miranda suggests he may want to experience the world outside of Manhattan, but he just scoffs and retorts, "There is no world outside of Manhattan." Miranda is visibly weirded out, says she likes the city and the country, then tells Carrie, "I have to go feed my cat" (which is code for "I'm cutting out on this bad date"). Luke rolls his eyes and mumbles, "Cat people are freaks" and Miranda pulls Carrie aside and says since Luke is obviously a giant freak, she should be concerned that Ben is one too, since freaks like to hang out together. Carrie worriedly stares over at Ben and murmurs, "I hope not." That night, Carrie and Ben are going at it in his apartment. She asks him if there's anything weird about him she should know before they get any more involved, and he says there is, then reveals a tattoo of Tweety that he got at a drunken bachelor party. Carrie, in turn, shows him a long red scar she got on her knee when she fought with a bully in the third grade. Ben smiles and calls her scrappy and says, "I like scrappy" and then the two start doinking. Charlotte is at a restaurant with Mitch, trying to get to know him as a person. She gabbles about how much she loved camp when she was a kid...but Mitch just fidgets and looks totally disinterested. She asks him what he's thinking 'bout, and instead of offering any kind of verbal response, he picks up a fig and laps at it with his tongue while eying her suggestively. Charlotte shakes her head sadly as she realizes that Mitch will never be anything more than an undateable nutcase who knows how to give really good head. Samantha's at the doctor's office, admiring her face after her ass fat has been injected into it. She coos about how fabulous she looks, then asks the doctor what else he could do for her. The doctor studies her for a few seconds, then starts marking her up with red ink, mapping out a possible breast augmentation, tummy tuck, and liposuction. When he steps out of the room to take a phone call, Samantha checks herself out in the full-length mirror and is aghast at how freakish she looks with all the red marks drawn all over her body. As the circus music plays in the background, she bursts into tears. The next morning, Carrie wakes up in Ben's bed. He tells her he has to go play a soccer game, but that he'll be back in about two hours - and until then she should just hang in his apartment and chill. After he leaves, Carrie decides that something has to be "sick and off" about him, and is determined to figure out what it is before she wastes any more time on this relationship. To that end, she starts ransacking the apartment, searching for any clue of Ben's inner freakiness. She rummages through his closets, boxes, and drawers until she finds a locked wooden box. A-ha! She looks frightened as she stares down at it, and is certain that what she's just uncovered is "his secret box of freakdom". She lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away as she forcibly pries it open...and just as she's doing that, Ben suddenly appears and asks her what the hell she's doing. She freezes (while standing on the bed), looks sheepish, and mutters, "I don't know." She tries to explain that she was looking for something...something freaky. Ben looks understandably weirded out and tells her that the wooden box contains his Cub Scout badges from when he was a kid. He then explains that he had decided to skip the soccer game to be with her 'cause he mistakenly thought she was "a normal one". She sadly replies, "I was" then says, "I'm gonna go." Ben stares back at her in disgust and says, "Good idea." Carrie voice-overs, "That was the day I came face-to-face with my freak" as she heads home, then promptly brushes off her insanity by pronouncing that anyone who's single in Manhattan can get freaky from time to time...but that somewhere is a freak who will love them. She then sums it all up by saying, "And in the meantime, we always have Manhattan." Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Two years ago, Carrie's nutty friend, Susan-Sharon [why does a person need two first names?], married an abusive dickwad named Richard. To demonstrate exactly how abusive a dickwad Richard is, the camera pans over to their apartment, where we see him berating his wife for putting a CD in the wrong CD case. Carrie voice-overs that lately she only sees Susan-Sharon a couple of times a year, and it's usually when Richard is out of town. Well, d'yuh. This episode, however, starts on the eve of Carrie's birthday, and she and Susan-Sharon have just spent a night out on the town together. Susan-Sharon tells Carrie she has a birthday gift for her and invites her up to her apartment...and as soon as they enter the apartment, she warns Carrie to keep the noise level down 'cause she doesn't want to wake her ogre husband, who has turned in for the night. She then presents Carrie with her gift - a lovely cashmere scarf - and Carrie exclaims, "You shouldn't have!" then promptly asks her if she'd mind it if she returned it in exchange for cash, which I thought was pretty fucking rude. Susan-Sharon breezily waves her hand in the air and goes, "Fine" then quips, "Why do you think they call it cash mere?" and the two start cackling. The cackling wakes up Richard, who storms into the living room in his robe and pajamas and barks, "What the hell is going on?!" and reminds his wife about their agreement to not to have people over after 9pm. Susan-Sharon tries to explain that it's Carrie's birthday, but he cuts her off and bellows, "I'm on London time! I gotta be up in three hours! When the markets open!!" then sarcastically says he'd really appreciate it if they could take the fucking noise somewhere else. Carrie quickly gathers her stuff, hugs Susan-Sharon goodbye, and tip-toes toward the door...and Richard glares hatefully at her and yells, "Get the fuck outa my house!!" When Carrie arrives home, she ponders, "Could Susan-Sharon's marriage be that bad? [um, clearly] Or was their fighting just a form of foreplay? [if by foreplay, you mean verbal abuse, then yes] Was I the catalyst to get things going? [the fuck are you talking about?]" A few seconds later, Carrie gets a call from an embarrassed Susan-Sharon, apologizing for Richard's bitchitude, but Carrie brushes it off and says he was probably just cranky and tired. Susan-Sharon bitterly says it was "classic Richard": tyrannical, and emotionally abusive. She wails, "I don't know what to do anymore!" so Carrie weakly suggests that maybe his shitty behavior tonight was an anomaly because of special circumstances. Susan-Sharon concedes that he works really hard and is often sleep deprived, but then blurts out, "I don't give a shit!" and asks Carrie if she'd leave the marriage if she found herself trapped in a loveless union with a domineering fuckbag. Carrie wishy-washily replies, "Well...if things didn't change" and Susan-Sharon says they likely won't, then abruptly hangs up the phone when she hears Richard stir in the bedroom. Carrie laments about how she's just been put in a classic no-win situation because somehow her hapless friend's marital problems are all about her. The next day, Carrie lunches with the gals and tells them about Richard's outburst. Miranda says that advising a friend to leave her husband is something one should never do, and Samantha says her friendship with Susan-Sharon is probably screwed, then pronounces that all relationships are founded in lies and deception. Case in point: her and James. She pretends to not notice that he has a teeny tiny penis, and he pretends not to notice they haven't had sex in three weeks. Miranda then chimes in, but only to shift the topic of conversation to her new beau, Aaron Pottymouth. Aaron likes to talk dirty in bed, and we get some grisly footage of him and Miranda going at it while he gabbles about her "wet pussy" and "beautiful tits". Miranda looks uncomfortable with the descriptors of her body parts and can only bring herself to grunt one syllable replies. Charlotte suggests complimenting his "big cock" and explains that sometimes men just need to hear a little encouragement. Miranda says she's not one to chitchat during sex, except to give an orgasm alert, but Charlotte gives her a disapproving look and says that if she likes Aaron, she's going to have to start talking dirty in bed. Since when is this Stepford wife wannabe such an advocate of raunchy sex talk? That seems way more up Samantha's alley. Carrie's in her apartment, tapping away on her computer. She thinks about what Miranda said at lunch, then types, "Are there still certain things in a relationship one should never say?" The question then segue ways into several testimonials from random people on the street, but I cannot stand these moronic testimonials that the show mercifully phased out at some point during Season 2, so I'm just going to pretend like they never happened and move on.. Susan-Sharon tells Carrie she told her abusive dickwad husband she can't spend another day with a gigantic asshole such as himself...and apparently this opened the floodgates of their dysfunctional marriage, and they had a terrible fight and said horrible things to each other. Richard said he'd pity her if they split up, since he'll be remarried within a year, while she'll be single for the rest of her life. Carrie didn't want to say it, but considering what a pathetic doormat of a loser Susan-Sharon is, it was probably a true statement. Susan-Sharon gushes to Carrie about how she owes her so much now that she's suddenly free...then asks her if she can crash at her apartment until she's ready to go crawling back to Fuckbag. Charlotte arrives home to the new male in her life. As she stares at herself in the mirror and sexily fluffs up her hair, Carrie voice-overs, "Fed up with lonely mornings and cuddle-less nights, she took matters into her own hands." Charlotte then heads over to her bedroom door and says in a sultry voice, "Henry. I'm home" and opens the door...and atop her bed is a cute little white dog. Apparently, he's a stand-in until she finds the perfect man. As a pet owner/extreme dog lover, I found this storyline obnoxious, and it really made me want to smack the Sex and the City writers. At bedtime, James asks Samantha why she's become so distant lately, and she fibs and insists she's not upset about anything, just tired. He says he'd like them to go to a counselor to work out their "intimacy issues", and she doesn't look thrilled, but agrees to go. As she rolls over and attempts to get some sleep, Carrie voice-overs about how much "Samantha missed the emotional unavailability and hot one night stands." It remains unclear why Samantha doesn't just dump Slim Dick and sniff out the nearest orgy. Miranda and her talkative-in-bed beau are going at it again. Miranda forces herself to take Charlotte's advice and reciprocates the dirty talk, referring to Aaron's cock as hot, big, hard, rock. Somehow this turns him on, and he urges her to continue, so she strings together a sentence with the one syllable words: "Your cock is a big hard rock." Carrie takes Susan-Sharon over to Charlotte's apartment to meet Henry, who's already falling short of Charlotte's high expectations. After a few minutes, an antsy Susan-Sharon tells Carrie she wants to head back to her apartment in case Richard calls. Carrie's like, "Aren't you leaving him?" and Susan-Sharon explains that she wants to be there to personally tell him she doesn't want to talk to him. Charlotte tut tuts her for being passive-aggressive and says she should only speak to Richard if she has something to say, but Susan-Sharon ignores that advice and grumbles, "I can't believe the prick hasn't called." She then gets a dreamy expression on her face and says the douchebag does have a sweet side, then leans toward Henry and asks him if she did the right thing. Henry retorts by baring his teeth and growling at her, and Charlotte irritably chides Susan-Sharon by saying, "He's a dog, not an oracle." The next morning, Carrie receives a unexpected delivery from Mr. Big: a bouquet of red roses and a card that reads, "Best wishes on your birthday." She quickly assembles an emergency summit with the gals to over-analyze the gesture and decide what she should do next. [Nothing. Put the roses in water, then go about your life.] Miranda orders her to rip up the card, while Charlotte thinks it's a grand gesture and that she should reconsider their breakup. Samantha looks unimpressed with the measly flower delivery and says if it had been jewelry, it would be another story. Carrie scrunches her horsey face and agonizes, "Is the ball in my court?" and both Miranda and Samantha agree that Big is being selfish by muddying the post breakup waters. Carrie's in her apartment, puffing on a cigarette and continuing to overthink the flower delivery. When she can stand it no more, she phones him up to thank him for his thoughtfulness. Big answers the call on his cell phone while he's ambling around Manhattan and looks perplexed to hear that she received a flower delivery from him, then remembers that it's on his secretary's annual "to do" list, 'cause apparently he didn't give her the memo that he and Carrie broke up. Haha! Big asks Carrie what she's doing on her special day, and she tells him that Stanford has invited her and her friends to have dinner at Layla's, a Moroccan restaurant. She blurts out, "You should come!" and he mulls that over for a few seconds and says that maybe he'll stop by, then adds that he'd like to bring someone. Carrie does her best to sound breezy and gracious as she reacts to that disturbing tidbit, then collapses on her bed after she hangs up. James and Samantha are in a therapy session with an older, gray haired woman, who asks the two how long it's been since they doinked. They tell her a month, so she chuckles and tells them not to take it so seriously and try to have fun with their sexuality. She suggests playing erotic games, but Samantha shakes her head and says, "I'm just not feeling very sexual these days." James is all, "Wuh?" and says he caught her masturbating the other day, then assumes she has intimacy issues. Samantha insists she doesn't, then clams up and says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. The therapist congratulates them on their "hard work" and says she'd like to schedule a second appointment - and Samantha looks so aghast at the thought of enduring another awkward session of trying to avoid blurting out the reason for their sexlessness that she turns to James and blurts out, "Your penis is too small!" and that it's incapable of pleasuring her. A mortified James snaps back, "Maybe your vagina is too big!" then gets up and storms out. The therapist shoots Samantha a sympathetic smile and agrees that she too prefers a large ding-dong. Miranda's in bed with Aaron, cuddling naked with him and chanting, "Cock cock cock cock." She so emboldened by her dirty talk that she starts telling him what she likes in bed, then unwittingly oversteps when she playfully remarks, "You really like it when I slip my finger in your ass." Aaron's all, "Wuh? Excuse me!" and looks totally icked out. And just like that, their meaningless hookup is over. At Carrie's Moroccan themed birthday dinner, Miranda discusses to all the party guests how her finger-up-the-ass remark appalled Aaron so much that they're no longer seeing each other. Stanford makes a face and says he doesn't like anything up his ass...and when everyone just stares at him in incredulity, he adds, "I realize this comes as a surprise." Classy dinner talk, as usual. Carrie's doing her best to get liquored up, in order to psyche herself up for the arrival of Mr. Big and his date. He arrives a few seconds later, grins at Carrie in his schmaltzy way and makes his voice sound gravelly as he says, "Happy birthday, baby." He introduces her to his friend, Jack, who Carrie soon realizes is his "date". Delighted by the lack of female competition for Big's affection, she jumps up, hugs Jack, and asks how he's doing...and he makes a face and grumbles about the bitch who broke his heart. Miranda leans toward Carrie and asks what her ex is doing at her birthday dinner...and then the camera pans over to Mr. Big, who's tipping one of the belly dancers. Susan-Sharon, meanwhile, is attempting to flirt with Jack by prattling endlessly about how she's newly single. Jack, who's clearly not into the nitwit, blurts out, "Do you ever shut the fuck up?!" and a red-faced Susan-Sharon stares off in the distance, suddenly realizing how desperately she misses being verbally abused by her douchewad of a husband. Charlotte comes home to an unpleasant surprise: Henry has crapped on the floor, and is in the process of chewing up her pillows. Heh. He's probably rebelling against being locked up in her bedroom all day. Charlotte decided that they had to part ways, so she fobs him off on Susan-Sharon and Richard, and somehow the poor pooch becomes "the glue" that keeps their dysfunctionally shitty marriage together. Cue Henry, who leaps into their living room, then onto their laps and barks, and Richard yells, "Shut the fuck up!" while Susan-Sharon vapidly smiles and pets him. Carrie voice-overs, "Neither could admit that a dog saved their marriage." (There's no mention of who's going to save Henry from all the emotional abuse he has coming.) After the dinner party, Carrie and Mr. Big stroll down the street together. He offers to give her a ride home, but she declines, then stares after him longingly as he walks over to his town car and climbs in. As he drives off, she voice-overs, "The one thing I couldn't say to him was: I'm still not over you" and sadly shuffles off. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie kicks off Season 2 by sadly moaning about her breakup with Mr. Big. She pronounces: "When you live on a tiny island like Manhattan, the odds of running into the person who broke your heart are incredibly high". We then see Carrie strolling along the street, puffing on a cigarette as she voice-overs, "And when you look like shit, the odds are even higher." She spots Mr. Big and starts to wig out...but when she takes a second look, she realizes she was just hallucinating and that the guy she thought was Big doesn't even remotely resemble him. She then bellyaches about how certain locations at certain times of day are off-limits, and describes Manhattan as "a deserted battlefield, loaded with emotional landmines" and that "you have to be very careful where you step, or you could be blown to pieces". She is really over-thinking this breakup. Carrie's in her apartment, still puffing away on her cigarette, when Miranda and Charlotte come over to take her out for a day of fun. Carrie agrees - but only if it's someplace she could never run into Mr. Big. Miranda looks annoyed and asks, "When are you going to be out of this hostage situation?" - hee! - and Charlotte chides her for saying that, since it's only been a month since Carrie and Big broke up. By Charlotte's estimation, Carrie is entitled to a six month period (half the time of the relationship) to grieve the breakup. Miranda rolls her eyes and advises Carrie to cut her losses and get back in the dating game, and urges her to take a page out of her book. Two years ago, she got dumped by some guy named Eric, who left her for another woman...but she refused to indulge in endless self-pity over the split. Carrie mulls that over as she puts on her dressiest hooker-wear - a skimpy dress and her tacky fur coat - and off the three of them go. On the street, Carrie bitterly gabbles about how if Big had any class he'd leave New York 'cause she was here first. Miranda reminds her that she was the one who broke up with him, then says she's giving him way too much power by continually nattering on and on about him. They hail a cab and head over to Samantha's building - and we see that she's smooching her tiny-penised boyfriend, James. I'm surprised that's still going on. As Samantha climbs into the cab, James tells the gals not to let anything bad happen to the slut...I mean, his princess, then gives her a goodbye kiss. As they drive off, Charlotte remarks that things seem to be going well for them, but Samantha contorts her face in disgust and makes a snarky remark about his slim dick. Apparently, she still hasn't accepted his shortcomings, even after two months of dating. A $55 cab ride later (have these people never heard of the subway?) they arrive at Yankee Stadium. Miranda, who's really into baseball, tells the others that The New Yankee is coming up to the plate...but they don't give a shit, and lazily lounge in their nosebleed seats as they drink beer and scarf down hot dogs. Samantha rants about how everything sucks: their seats, her hot dog...her life. Charlotte reminds her that she's with a man who really loves her, but Samantha says it's clear they're not understanding the seriousness of her situation. She pulls her tiny hot dog out of its bun, waves it in front of Carrie's face, and barks, "How would you like to make love to this every night?!" Miranda, meanwhile, is bellowing at The New Yankee and spouting statistics about him, which no one cares about. Carrie goes over her own dismal statistics: countless dates and one night stands, and a shittastic sex column...and she really has nothing to show for herself. Well, d'yuh. Suddenly, The New Yankee hits a foul ball, which flies in the direction of where they're sitting - and Carrie snatches it up when it lands on the floor near her seat. After the game, the gals wait by the men's locker room so that Carrie - who, by this time, is a little drunk - can get her baseball signed by The New Yankee. When he emerges from the locker room, Miranda gushes about what a UGE Yankee fan she is, then explains that her friend caught his foul ball and she'd like him to sign it. He smiles pleasantly and says, "No problem" and Carrie fishes it out of the pocket of her tacky fur coat. He asks her if she too is a baseball fan, and she sassily says she really just came for the beer, then describes the sport as "a little dull". He asks her what she does, and Charlotte and Samantha interject and inform him that she writes a sex column. He's like, "Er...OK", signs the ball and hands it back to Carrie - and she thanks him and drunkenly bellows, "Woooo!" As The New Yankee saunters off, Carrie decides she'd like to invite him to the upcoming Dolce & Gabbana party. Miranda's all, "Wuh?!" and tries to prevent her from potentially making a giant ass of herself - but Carrie's already running after him screeching, "Yankee! Yankee!" Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha watch in fascination as Carrie asks out The New Yankee, and seem mystified when she makes her triumphant return to where they're standing and announces that, as hard as it to comprehend why a baseball player would agree to go out with a cheap looking skank such as herself, he said yes! A bewildered Miranda exclaims, "Nobody rebounds with The New Yankee!" to which Carrie replies, "Well, maybe I'm The New Carrie." Samantha, meanwhile, is standing in front of the locker room door, hungrily staring inside so she can get an eyeful of the generously endowed, naked ball players. One of the players gives her a funny look and goes, "Can I help you?" but she just continues to stand there, mutely transfixed. Carrie's in her apartment, tapping away on her computer, shaking her head back and forth ever so slightly as she concentrates very hard on the next installment of her shittastic column. She recalls what Charlotte said about it being OK to get over your ex in a slow, painful manner...then wonders if it's a better approach to ignore the bad feelings and throw oneself back in the game. She types "what are the breakup rules?" and then stares into space as she contemplatively mulls over the geniusness of her musings. On Friday night, Carrie rushes around her apartment as she gets ready for the Dolce & Gabbana party with The New Yankee, whose name we learn is Joe. As she reaches for a necklace, she spots a photo of her and Mr. Big lying on the floor and picks it up and sadly voice-overs, "I thought I had destroyed all the evidence." She promptly makes up her first official breakup rule: destroy all photographs where Big looks sexy, and she looks happy. Why not just destroy them all, regardless? Charlotte and her date, Paul Erickson, are at the party with Carrie and Joe...and all four are hanging out, chit-chatting. Carrie voice-overs that Paul is the perfect match for Charlotte, except for one minor snag: he likes to adjust his crotch in public (and then demonstrates the behavior). Carrie glances around the room and thinks she sees Mr. Big again...but it ends up being another guy who doesn't remotely resemble him. Carrie voice-overs that when Big didn't make an appearance at the party (like I guess she was expecting), she decided to "make the best of it" and get to know Joe. As the two walk along the street, he tells her he had fun at the party and refers to it as "kinda cool"...and when she chuckles at his succinctness, he leans in and the two start smooching on the street. Run, Joe. Ruuuunnnnnn!!!!! The next morning, the gals gather together for breakfast at a diner. Charlotte excitedly squeals to Carrie that there's a photo of her and Joe on Page Six, and Samantha points out that Mr. Big is sure to see it and note how hot she was looking in her slinky blue dress and die. Miranda tries to get everyone interested in her new palm pilot, but they don't care and continue to talk about how Big's going to die when he sees how fabulous Carrie is looking. Miranda irritably asks why they're still talking about this and snaps, "He's out of the picture. It's over. Let's talk about something else." Amen to that. They all murmur, "OK" but then no one can think of anything to talk about that doesn't involve men or penises. After a few awkward seconds of silence, Charlotte blurts out, "I have a problem with my boyfriend" and a fed up Miranda throws down her napkin and leaves the table to go pay the check. Charlotte tells Samantha and Carrie that Paul is constantly touching his balls, so Samantha asks her if he has low hangers, and Charlotte just stares back at her blankly and says she has no idea. Samantha is aghast and in utter disbelief that she has been dating him for three weeks and hasn't yet gotten an eyeful of his gonads. She snaps, "Come on! Get with the program!" When Miranda returns to the table, Carrie informs her that they're now talking about Charlotte's boyfriend's low-hanging balls, and Miranda says, "OK, that's it. I'm outta here. All we talk about anymore is Big or balls or small dicks. How does it happen that four such smart women have nothing to talk about but boyfriends?!" She wonders what happened to them. What they think and feel. She barks, "Give me a call when you're ready to talk about something else besides men!" and storms off. That was weird. It's like she suddenly forgot the basic premise of Sex and the City. Samantha and James are going at it in bed. She barks, "Really give it to me!" and he dumbly nods and thrusts while she bellows, "Fuck me, you hot stud!" Despite his best efforts, there's just no getting around the reality that his penis is just too teeny tiny to ever satisfy Samantha. She finally throws in the towel and reaches for her vibrator, and James is all, "Wuh?!" and looks insulted. Charlotte and Paul are at her apartment, making out. She presents him with a gift from Barneys: briefs with extra support. Paul looks disgusted and snaps, "We haven't even made love yet and you're out shopping for me? Slow down!" Charlotte tries to explain why she made the purchase, but is unable to tell him that she can no longer bear the sight of him adjusting his balls in public. Paul barks, "It's way too fast!" and breaks it off with Charlotte right then and there. What a rude dickwad. Miranda's ambling around Manhattan, looking grisly in shapeless overalls. She spots her ex-boyfriend, Eric Asshole, walking hand in hand with the woman he dumped her for...and she wigs out and runs away with her arms flailing about. Carrie and Joe are out at a bar...and as she glances around the room, she spots Big. For real this time. He sees her staring over at him with her beady little eyes...and as he walks over, Carrie voice-overs that she was proud to run into him while she was looking so hot, and on the arm of The New Yankee. Big's like, "Hey, how's it going?" and the two have a pleasant but awkward chat - and when she starts to introduce him to Joe, he says he knows who he is and politely wishes the ball player good luck with the upcoming season. He tells Carrie he saw her photo on Page Six, then leans in and whispers, "You never looked better." He pats her on the shoulder, and we hear a baboom-baboom sound, which I guess is supposed to be her heart racing. Big bids Carrie and her beau adieu and casually saunters off, leaving Carrie staring mournfully after him. Clueless Joe asks her if she'd like another round of drinks, and she mutely nods. Joe and Carrie leave the bar and stroll along the street together. He invites her to go to another nearby bar where his buddies are currently hanging out, then leans in and kisses her - but she pushes him away and tearfully whimpers, "I can't. I'm not ready" and incoherently stammers, "That guy in the bar...that suit guy. Uh, I'd better go." Joe's like, "Huh?" and offers to take her home, but she says she's just going to get a cab and that he should leave. When he just continues to stand there, staring at her in bewilderment, she snaps, "All right, then. I'll go." What a rude fucking fucktard this woman is. Carrie makes a beeline over to the nearest pay phone and says to whoever she's talking to that she knows how weird things are between them at the moment, but could they meet up at their place in fifteen minutes? In the next scene, Carrie enters a diner and we see that Miranda is sitting there. Carrie sits across from her and wails, "I know you want me to be over Big!" but Miranda interjects, admits to being an insensitive jerk, and says, "It's my stuff. It's not you." She explains that she recently saw Eric and his girlfriend, and had a freakout and looked really dorky as she ran off...and says she's still hurt by the dumping even though it happened two years ago. She urges Carrie to take all the time she needs to get over her obnoxious Big fixation...and then the two eat, drink, and pretend to be merry. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs - while simultaneously tapping out the words on her computer - that her friend Miranda is currently doinking a dork named Thomas John Anderson, an up and coming playwright. (I wonder how Carrie's friends and their fuck buddies feel about their sexual exploits being exploited every week in Carrie's shittastic column.) The camera pans over to Thomas John's bedroom, where he and Miranda are going at it. We get a close-up of his face as he moans, "Oh God! Oh God!" and after he climaxes, Miranda purrs, "That was wonderful." Thomas John springs out of bed and runs into the bathroom and showers, which apparently he does every time they have sex. And just in case we needed proof of his post-doink routine, we get footage of various other times he's doinked Miranda and then rushed into the bathroom to hose off his genitals. One day, Miranda decided to confront him about it and asks, "What's with the showers? I feel like it's me." Thomas John assures her it isn't her, then explains that he grew up Catholic and the nuns told him that having sex was a sin...and so he's chosen to remain an emotionally stunted schoolboy and insists on cleansing himself every time he has sex. Miranda comes to the alarming realization that she's dating Catholic Guy. As Miranda and Carrie stroll along a Manhattan street, Miranda says she never would have gone out with Thomas John if she knew he was Catholic. She says he's rational and logical in every respect - except for the showering after sex thing. Back in her apartment, Carrie taps on her computer: Is religion the relationship of the 90s? As she ponders this previously unexplored [on Sex and the City] territory, she gets up early one Sunday, puts on a sweat suit and sneakers, and strolls over to a nearby church to view religious people in their natural habitat. She's impressed that everyone seems to be decked out in designer wear (it is the Upper East Side, so duh) and rhetorically asks, "What is it about God and fashion that goes so well together?" She's startled when she spots Mr. Big in an Armani suit escorting a woman out of the church and putting her into a cab. As he's doing that, he spots Carrie staring over at him then crosses the street to ask her whassup. She explains that she's doing research on closet Presbyterians for her next column...and by doing research, she means she's standing uselessly on the street and staring over at a group of people leaving church. She tries her best to sound breezy when she asks, "Who's the mystery woman?" and Big tells her she's his mother and that he takes her to church every Sunday. As Carrie lets out a huge sigh of relief, Big invites her to grab a cup of coffee with him, but she declines 'cause she has to finish this week's instalment of her shittastic column before the deadline. That evening, the gals gather in a bar to gabble about Mr. Big's churchgoing. Miranda says it can't possibly be a good thing that Big takes his mother to church every week, but Charlotte argues that a man who cares about his mother will probably make a wonderful husband. Carrie calls it sweet and says she really really wants to meet Mama Big, and Charlotte nods approvingly and says that getting on the good side of a boyfriend's mother is an important part of "closing the deal". Samantha arrives late and tells the girls she just had a five hour lunch with her new beau, James, and that she's fallen in love with him. The gals are all, "Wha-a?!" so Samantha recounts the love story.. A couple of weeks ago, Samantha was treating herself to a night of live jazz when a handsome lawyer named James came over to her table and told her how beautiful she looked as she swayed to the music. He asked if he could join her, and she said OK, and...blah blah, they ended up closing the jazz bar. After that, they walked and talked for blocks...and when they reached her building, she shook his hand and thanked him - which was shocking 'cause normally when she meets men in bars, she's fucking them in the men's room five minutes later. She and James gush to each other about the wonderful time they had and agree to see each other again. And just like that, Samantha became a convert and jumped head-first into a relationship. She credits her metamorphosis to Charlotte, who's always nattering about the importance of not sleeping with men so quickly. She says she doesn't know where she and James would be if they had hit the sheets, and a shocked Miranda goes, "You haven't had sex yet?" and Samantha gets a dreamy expression on her face and says, "I think he's someone I could actually marry." Charlotte suddenly looks troubled by the humiliation of Samantha beating her to the altar, so she quickly takes matters into her own hands and books an appointment with her psychic to find out exactly when she's getting married. The psychic lays out a bunch of tarot cards and tells her that they reveal a strong, independent woman who will have great success - but no husband. Charlotte gets upset and storms out. Carrie asks Mr. Big if she can tag along to church with him and his mother, and Big tries his best not to look horrified by the thought and says he didn't think she was the churchgoing type, but rather "the beautiful and intelligent type". (Nice pivot, Big.) Carrie says she's open to all religions, then asks, "How about this Sunday?" Big tells her that church is a private thing that he and his mother do, then pivots again and asks, "But how'd you like to fly to the Caribbean for a vacation?!" Carrie mumbles that she can't afford it, so he promises to pay for it. Miranda is in bed with Thomas John again...and after he blows his load, she puts her arms around him and coos, "Isn't this nice? Us together?" but Thomas John can't bear to lay atop her while his genitals are unclean and rushes toward the bathroom. Miranda irritably tells him there's nothing sinful about sex, and he shoots her the stink-eye and says, "That's a relief" and jokes that he's miraculously healed now. He sarcastically thanks her for saving his immortal soul, then orders her to get the hell out of his apartment. Haha! Samantha and James have finally decided to hit the sheets. After they declare their love for each other, Samantha hops onto her bed and orders him to "unzip and get over here" - so James unzips and mounts her. She excitedly says, "OK, I'm ready. Put it in" and James says, "It is in" and starts thrusting his tiny member. Samantha looks confused, then hopeful he was kidding...then finally just stares into space, looking puzzled and dismayed. The following Sunday, Carrie and Miranda put on fancy clothes, gloves, and stupid looking hats and sneak into Mr. Big's church and seat themselves in the balcony. When Carrie sees Mr. Big arrive and seat himself beside Mama Big, she voice-overs about how "respectful, tall, and proud he looked", which made her fall a little more in love with him. As everyone stands for the first hymn, Carrie accidentally loses her grip on her bible, and it flies off the balcony and lands on the floor with a loud thud. Mr. Big turns around, sees Carrie and Miranda sitting in the balcony, and shoots Carrie an irritable WTF? look. After the service, Carrie waits for Big and Mama Big near the exit. When they make their way over, Carrie puts on her best suck up face and says, "Good morning. Lovely church" and Big warily introduces her to his mother by saying, "This is my friend, Carrie." Carrie searches Mama Big's face for any flicker of recognition - but there's none. Carrie then tries to get across to the woman that she's the skank her son is currently boning and says, "Carrie Carrie" but Mama Big remains oblivious, pleasantly shakes her hand, and says, "It was lovely meeting you", then ambles off to chat with the pastor. Once she's out of earshot, Carrie glares at Big and mimics, "My friend, Carrie..?" and Big snarks at her for showing up at his church after he asked her not to, then asks, "What are you trying to do? Test me?" Carrie asks him if his mother has ever even heard of her, and Big replies, "My mother doesn't need to meet another girlfriend." Ouch...and haha! Carrie dejectedly stares at the floor and murmurs, "Oh" and Big explains that he needs to do "this thing" on his time-table. Carrie reminds him they've been dating for months, so he says, "We'll get there. Just have faith" then says he needs to get his mother home. Carrie pretends to be all breezy as she says, "Go...it's fine" then despondently stares into space. Carrie stays behind to mope in a pew, and Miranda returns, sits down beside her and remarks, "You didn't seem fine." Carrie tells her that Mr. Big introduced her to his mom as his friend, and that it was clear she had never heard of her...which can't be a good sign. She scrunches her horsey face in misery and wails, "I can't get inside!" That evening, Stanford hosts a party at the Limelight (Manhattan's church-turned-nightclub) to celebrate a new fragrance. Apparently, his boyfriend du jour, Allanne, was the perfume bottle designer. Stanford gushes to Carrie about how delighted he is with his new lover, but Carrie doesn't give a rat's ass about her friend's happiness and bellyaches about how Mr. Big refuses to introduce her to his mother. She then complains that she's not looking forward to their Caribbean vacation, and glumly refers to it as "a consolation prize for not really being in his life". Miranda runs into Skipper at the party...and instead of fleeing like his inner voice is probably begging him to, he tells Miranda that he's been thinking about her ever since they broke up. For some reason, this man really seems to get off on torturing himself. They tell each other they look great, then eye each other appreciatively. The gals track down Samantha in the ladies room to get the latest dish on her and James. A distraught looking Samantha says that she and James bumped uglies, refers to it as nice...then bursts into tears and runs into one of the stalls. The gals are all, "Wha-a?" and when they press her for the details, she says, "James has a small dick." Carrie assures her that one small dick does not the end of the world make, but Samantha argues, "It's really small." Carrie says that size isn't everything, but Samantha snaps, "It's three inches. Hard" and Carrie involuntarily gasps. Charlotte asks if he's a good kisser, and Samantha growls, "Who the fuck cares? His dick is like a gherkin." She then shakes her head and moans, "Listen to me. I'm a bad person" (bad, wretched, appalling, loathsome, shallow, coldhearted, etc. etc.). As the girls try to cheer her up, she cries harder, then wails about her vagina's strong preference for more generously sized pickles. Charlotte schedules an appointment with another psychic to find out when she's getting married. The psychic, who has a caged chicken in the room, cracks an egg, solemnly says, "No yolk" and tells Charlotte she's cursed and will never be married. However, if she's willing to shell out an additional $100, she can arrange for the curse to be removed. Charlotte glares at her and storms out. Back at the Limelight, Miranda asks Skipper if he wants to spend the night at her apartment, and he grins and says, "I knew we'd get back together!" and the two head for the exit. What a dumb sap. James and a tearful Samantha are going at it in the sack again. James asks her what's wrong, and she fibs and tells him she's crying 'cause she's sooo happy. It's interesting that he doesn't seem to be aware of how teeny tiny his penis is. Carrie's pacing in her apartment, voice-overing that she stayed up all night, stewing about Big's reluctance to fully integrate her into his life. Big arrives a few seconds later to pick her up for the airport and tells her they're running late and have to leave, like pronto, but Carrie tells him to stop, then says, "I need a sign. I'm losing faith in our relationship." Big's all, "Wha-a?" and asks her if she's expecting to hear a voice from above, so she says, "Just tell me I'm the one." Big shifts around uneasily, unable or unwilling to lie to her face as she stares at him expectantly with her beady little eyes. After a long, awkward silence, she throws in the towel and says, "I can't do this." He urges her to get into the car, but she cries, "I love you - but I can't!" Big stares back at her incredulously and goes, "So that's it?" and Carrie nods and casts her eyes down. Big mulls that over for a few seconds, looks thoroughly relieved (though maybe that's just me, projecting), then climbs into his town car and drives off, leaving Carrie and her luggage on the sidewalk. Carrie voice-overs that after Mr. Big left, she cried for a week - but then realized she had faith in herself, as well as in the certainty that one day she would meet someone who would be sure she was the one. Who, weirdly enough, ends up being Mr. Big in the series finale. Full circle and all that.. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs that New York City is all about sex - "people getting it, and people trying to get it" - and that Manhattan is like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked. Sorry, no...that's Tony Montana's assessment of Miami (I must have Scarface on the brain). Anyway, according to Carrie's latest stupid pronouncement, every person who lives on the island of Manhattan thinks of nothing but sex 24/7. The camera pans over to Mr. Big's apartment, where he and Carrie are lazing in bed together, reading and eating ice cream. Carrie voice-overs that after several weeks, they've gotten comfortable enough with each other to get a good night's sleep...and then we get needless footage of them in various positions as they spoon, canoodle, and lay curled up in each other's arms. Carrie gushingly voice-overs, "It was nice. The way I always dreamed it could be." The following morning, she wakes up and murmurs, "Good morning" and gives Mr. Big a big smooch...and then farts. Carrie covers her face in mortification as Mr. Big starts laughing and goes, "Was that you?" She crawls under the covers, but Big just laughs harder and says, "It might be worse under there." Bwaha! As Big continues to laugh, Carrie covers herself with the bulky comforter and stumbles into the bathroom, where she hurriedly gets dressed and beats a hasty retreat. Outside his front door, she stares into the camera, scrunches her face in misery, and tells viewers, "I was mortified!" Carrie returns to her apartment and tries to lose herself in her shittastic column...but the audio of her fart keeps ringing through her head, and she buries her head in her hands. The following day, Carrie realizes how childishly she's been behaving, so she's decided to simply ignore/deny the fact that she inadvertently passed gas. She goes to Big's place for dinner - and the two eat Chinese takeout and engage in civilized, non-fart-related conversation. After a few minutes, he asks her to get him some more sauce, and when she gets up to retrieve it, he slips a whoopee cushion on her chair. When she sits back down, the whoopee cushion lets out a loud fart noise...and hilarity ensues. Later that evening, Carrie climbs into bed and smothers Big with kisses...but he murmurs, "I'm exhausted" and rolls over and goes to sleep. Carrie looks dejected and voice-overs that this was the first night they'd ever slept together without bumping uglies first. Egads! The fart must have turned him off more than initially expected. The next day, Carrie and Miranda are getting manicures. She tells Miranda how worried she is about the doinkless night's sleep she just had with Mr. Big - but Miranda doesn't give a rat's ass 'cause she's got sex problems of her own: she hasn't been laid in three months. Egads! Carrie gasps and exclaims, "No!" and Miranda asks her to please wipe that horrified look off her face. Carrie tries to cheer her up while also steering the conversation back to herself by saying, "It's worse to not be having sex when you're with someone, than it is to not be having sex because you don't have a boyfriend." She adds that maybe things with Mr. Big have gotten too comfortable, then shamefully tells her about fart-gate. Miranda stares back at her blankly and goes, "And..?" so Carrie explains that she firmly believes that her passed gas is the reason why she and Big aren't having sex anymore. Miranda calls that insane, then steers the conversation back to her sexual drought. She says it's not normal for her to go without a dicking for three whole months and that the lack of penetration is driving her mad. Kind of like what the inane fart storyline is doing to me. Back at her apartment, Carrie sits in front of her computer and taps out: How often is normal? then stares into space contemplatively as viewers are subjected to awful testimonials from over-sharing extras:
During yoga class, Samantha declares to Carrie that the amount of sex a person considers normal is "the halfway point between what you want and what you can get". She also thinks there's definitely trouble between her and Mr. Big, 'cause it's unnatural for two people who are dating to not frantically hump each other every time they're in a room alone together. She solemnly pronounces, "Sex is a barometer for what's going on in the relationship." Carrie miserably blurts out, "I farted!" and Samantha scrunches her face in disgust and orders her to move her mat away. Carrie explains that she means she farted in front of Mr. Big the other day, and Samantha shakes her head disapprovingly and says, "Huge mistake." Carrie says she's human and that it was an accident, but Samantha offers no sympathy and says that men don't want to know women are human...which means they're not permitted to fart, douche, use tampons, or have hair in places they shouldn't. Case in point: a guy once dumped Samantha 'cause she missed a bikini wax. Since Samantha doesn't do relationships, I don't think that technically she can be dumped. That said, I highly doubt that her lapse in crotch grooming is the real reason the guy no longer wanted to see her. Samantha advises Carrie to fuck Big's brains out and hope he forgets about her embarrassing fart. Meanwhile, the hot yoga instructor suddenly takes a special interest in Samantha and presses his hands on her pelvis as he leads the class in breathing exercises. She sighs with exaggerated pleasure, then stares up at him suggestively and asks, "Wanna go for coffee sometime?" In the next scene, Samantha and the hot yoga instructor are enjoying tea at a nearby cafe. She coos about how amazing and horny she always feels after yoga...and the hot yoga instructor tells her he gave up sex three years ago and has been celibate ever since. Samantha gasps in horror and goes, "Why?! And more importantly, WHY?!" so he starts babbling about the orgasmic payoff of forcing oneself to get all backed up sexually and then recycling/not releasing that energy. Talking about pent up sexual energy gets Samantha all hot and bothered, and she purrs, "My apartment is just around the corner." He declines and replies, "The only thing hotter than sex is not having sex" and somehow Samantha continues to look intrigued by the yoga instructor's self-imposed no-sex regimen. The next evening, Carrie meets up with Charlotte for dinner and complains to her about the Big/No Sex Situation. Charlotte says that sleeping in a bed without having sex doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with the relationship, and Carrie nods in hopeful agreement - but can't bring herself to tell prim Charlotte about her passed gas. Charlotte makes a face and says that people put too much emphasis on sex...and by people she means the Sex and the City writers. She tells Carrie that she and her latest beau, Kevin, have been dating for several weeks and still haven't done the horizontal mambo; all they've done so far is hug and cuddle. A few seconds later, Kevin arrives at the restaurant to join them for dinner, and as soon as Carrie sees him, she's all, "Ack!" and voice-overs that she slept with him three years ago. Shocker. When Kevin excuses himself to make a phone call, Carrie tells Charlotte that she stopped seeing him 'cause he was a sex maniac...and Charlotte perks up (instead of being suitably icked out to learn that her boyfriend once doinked her friend) and looks deeply impressed by his self restraint. Later, in the cab, Charlotte is all over Kevin like white on rice and saucily tells the cab driver that there's only going to be one stop. Charlotte and Kevin are in bed, vigorously going at it until he abruptly stops, rolls over, and says, "I don't think this is going to work." Charlotte asks him if the problem is her, but he assures her she's great, then explains, "I'm just not that sexual a guy." She spills the beans on what Carrie told her about him being a sex maniac, and he nods and says, "That was before Prozac." The drug has been a life saver for his mood problems, but one of the side effects is that it makes his dick limp and unresponsive. Carrie's pacing in her apartment, voice-overing about how terrified she is of another platonic sleepover with Mr. Big. She glances toward her window and is startled to see that her neighbors are having sex. She decided there was only one thing to do: watch them finish, and then call up Mr. Big and invite herself over to his apartment. Samantha and the hot yoga instructor are sitting cross-legged on his bed while he reads aloud to her about the spiritual merits of celibacy. Samantha gets bored and glances down at his crotch and exclaims, "You're hard!" but he just casually replies, "It'll go down." Carrie arrives at Mr. Big's apartment, lunges at him, and aggressively smooches him. He extricates himself from her sinewy arms and tells her he's watching boxing. He steers her over to the living room, and she climbs atop him while he's trying to watch TV...and he finally gets exasperated and snaps, "Knock it off! I'm trying to watch the fight." Carrie pouts and childishly retorts, "Fine. I'll leave." Big asks her why she's acting so nuts, but she doesn't answer and flounces out of the apartment, then waits in the hall for him to run after her and beg her forgiveness. When he doesn't emerge 'cause he's too into the boxing match (haha!), she rushes home to check her voicemail for an apology...and looks miffed when she has zero messages. Samantha's lying alone in bed, looking horny and frustrated. She starts to put an end to her suffering, then stops herself so that she can continue to get all backed up and one day erupt like Mount St. Helens. Miranda's on her way to Blockbusters to return a stack of movies she just finished watching [in lieu of having sex]. A construction worker across the street starts cat-calling her, then grabs his crotch and barks, "I got what you want! I got what you need!" Miranda's all, "Wha-a?", gets flustered, and scurries off like a frightened mouse. Carrie's trying to take her mind off of her deteriorating relationship with Mr. Big by painting her apartment a grisly shade of yellow. While she's doing that, Miranda drops by to deliver her latest grim statistic: it's now been three months and one week since a man penetrated her. I don't know how she hasn't committed suicide yet. Carrie whines about how Big hasn't called her in two days and curses her fart, and Miranda snaps at her to shut up about "the fucking fart". Really. Carrie wails about how she's in love with Big and is terrified he's going to leave her 'cause she's not perfect like he is, and Miranda asks her when she became so obsessed with being perfect. Carrie explains that there's something about Big that makes her act like someone else whenever she's around him. She describes that person as "Together Carrie" and has actually caught herself posing while in his presence. That's pretty fucked up and insecure for a grown woman. She moans, "It's exhausting!" and Miranda barks, "Then stop!" - but then suddenly gets distracted by the sight of the couple in the adjacent building having sex. In the next scene, all four gals are over at Carrie's place, watching the neighbor's sex show. Charlotte expresses amazement at how long the man is able to continue thrusting and decides right then and there that she's going to try harder to get Kevin hard. Miranda asks Samantha why she hasn't been fulfilling her carnal desires lately, so Samantha explains that she's deliberately depriving herself of sex in anticipation of a huge orgasmic payoff. Miranda announces that if her sexual drought goes into month four, she's humping one of them. Off camera, hopefully. Miranda returns to Blockbusters to return/get more movies, and the same construction worker once again bellows, "I got what you want! I got what you need!" Miranda starts to scurry off, but then stops herself and defiantly marches over to him. She barks, "You got what I want? You got what I need?" and he just kind of nods and goes, "Uh huh" so she shrieks, "What I want is to get laid!!" The construction worker looks horrified at the thought of actually doinking Miranda, and slowly backs away as he says, "Take it easy, lady. I'm married." Miranda scoffs and sassily retorts, "All talk and no action, huh? What a Gavone!" Samantha's back in yoga class, and when the hot yoga instructor puts his hands on her shoulders to adjust her position, she snarls, "Unless you're planning to do me, keep your hands off of me." He immediately backs off, and Samantha quickly scans the room for a fuckable man. She makes eye contact with a dorky looking guy and mouths, "Wanna fuck?" and he just laughs and wisely shakes his head. She looks over at another guy and mouths wanna fuck? and he scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "Huh?" so she just comes right out and asks, "Wanna fuck?" He's like, "Yeah" and the two rush off to the nearest men's room to fornicate. Charlotte does her best to pleasure Kevin with a hand job, but his penis stubbornly refuses to harden so she finally throws in the towel. She asks him if he'd ever consider going off Prozac and he says nope and asks, "Wouldn't you rather be with a guy who's kind and giving, but not that interested in sex - versus a crazy, unstable guy who constantly wants to get laid?" Charlotte mulls over those two choices - as though all men can only fit into one of the two categories - and goes, "Nope" and Kevin shrugs indifferently, gets dressed, and heads home. It's Saturday night, and Carrie is painting her apartment when Big rings her doorbell. He's all, "Whassup?" so she invites him inside and tells him she's painting. She asks him why he hasn't called, and he asks her why she didn't call, then glances around the apartment and says, "So...this is where you live." He tells her it's a very nice place, but she argues that it's a mess and that she'd like to completely change it. He seats himself in a sofa chair, pretends he doesn't get that Carrie's criticisms about her apartment are really about her shitty self, and says, "I dunno. I like it the way it is." He asks what her problem was the other night when he was trying to watching boxing, so she says, "That was me, having a meltdown." Big is like, "Er, OK" and glances out the window and notices her naked neighbors going at it. I wonder if they've considered getting window blinds. Big asks Carrie if she's aware that her neighbors are bumping uglies in full view of everyone who faces that side of the building, and she says, "Really? I never noticed" then voice-overs that all she could think was, "Why aren't we having sex?" Big watches the show for a few more seconds, then sexily says, "We can do better than that" and leans toward Carrie for a smooch...and she's so overcome with relief and desire that she breathily voice-overs, "And then he kissed me.." And then I retched. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: The Sex and the City gals each receive a baby shower invitation as Carrie voice-overs, "Sometimes there’s nothing harder in life than being happy for someone else." The invitation comes from someone named Laney...and in the next scene, the four are lounging around Carrie's apartment, bitching about the nerve of Laney to get pregnant and host a baby shower. Samantha snarks about how sad it is, the way she's using a child "to validate her existence", and when Miranda bitchily concurs, Carrie asks them if they're bugged because it's a baby shower, or because it's Laney's baby shower. All four stare blankly into space as they silently mull this over. We get a flashback sequence of hard-partying Laney from eight years ago. She's at a dance club, flirting and kissing everyone in her orbit - while Carrie, Samantha, and Miranda (who's sporting a grisly pageboy 'do) huddle together in a doorway. Some guy yells at Laney, "Show us your tits!" and Laney laughs and sassily retorts, "Give it a rest. You've all seen enough of my tits!" A group of men start chanting, "Tits! Tits! Tits! Tits!" so Laney indulges them and starts dancing provocatively while stripping off her clothes. Carrie makes a bitchy remark about all the men Laney's slept with (like she's one to talk), while Miranda shakes her head in dismay as Laney shakes her naughties and says, "Those things make so many public appearances, they need a booking agent." Samantha lets out a disdainful snort at Laney's slutty antics (as though she's not just as brazenly slutty herself), then clucks about how sad it is and calls her "the poster girl for low self esteem." Carrie voice-overs that Samantha (pot) and Laney (kettle) have a long-standing rivalry, 'cause they're both "wild, sexy, and incredibly insecure". But after years of bed-hopping and shameless boob-baring, Laney did something that shocked everyone to the core: she married an investment banker and moved to Connecticut. Egads! Charlotte suggests it might actually be fun to go to the baby shower, but Miranda growls, "It's a cult" and declares that all women who live in the suburbs talk and dress the same, and surrender to the same cause: babies. She wryly adds, "I've lost two sisters to the motherhood." Carrie says that attending the shower would be the right thing for them to do, and Samantha gleefully remarks that Laney must be really fat now. Carrie consults her calendar and notices that her period is four days late. And three days after that, we're informed that she's seven days late...but she has to put a pin in that potential crisis 'cause she has a baby shower to get to. She meets up with the gals, who have rented a convertible for the drive to Connecticut, then suddenly goes, "Ack! I totally spaced on a shower gift." Samantha (who's wearing an alarmingly skimpy, belly baring red top) tells her she bought Laney a bottle of scotch, and Miranda wryly says she bought her a box of condoms. Both are bitchy, inappropriate gifts for a mother-to-be...so kudos, ladies. A few seconds later, Charlotte arrives carrying a huge Bellini Baby Basket, grinning with excitement. The four arrive in Connecticut, and when Laney opens her front door, they all scream fake happily at each other. Samantha blurts out, "Look at you! You're huge!" and an unfazed Laney counters with, "I'm soooo happy! I can eat anything I want. Jealous?" Samantha hands Laney the bottle of scotch and says, "I'm going to have a big drink. Jealous?" and saunters off. Laney makes a WTF? face and asks Miranda and Carrie if Samantha still bed and bar-hops, then clucks sympathetically and says, "It's so sad, isn't it? When that's all you have." It's equally as sad when it's the entire premise of a TV show. Laney introduces the gals to her snooty suburban friends, then starts opening her gifts...and Charlotte gushes over the cuteness of the baby clothes. Miranda discreetly grumbles to Carrie about how cult-like these women are, then says the two of them need to stick together or risk being drawn into the cult. Carrie morosely stares into space, wondering if she'll be the next woman in this room to have a baby...then flees to the bathroom and asks herself if this baby shower is a preview of a life she's not ready for. As she stares at a giant framed photo of a naked, pregnant Laney, she couldn't help but wonder "what untapped dreams were deeply buried inside all the mommies downstairs". We then get stupid testimonials, which are supposed to serve as proof that every woman who makes the decision to get married and have kids is selling out and/or secretly regrets her decision. One woman says, "Before I got married, I slept with everyone. Now I have an Internet lover no one knows about." Another woman wistfully says, "I used to be a senior vice president. Now I yell at the gardener", while a third woman stares contemplatively into space and murmurs, "I still think about Lisa.." Charlotte gushes to Laney about how beautiful her home is, and Laney nods and condescendingly replies, "At some point you have to get serious and settle down." The topic of baby names comes up, and one of the shower guests announces that Laney has already chosen names for her unborn child: Todd for a boy, Shayla for a girl. Charlotte's all, "Wha-a?! That's my secret baby name!" and Laney just kind of shrugs and says she had no idea. Carrie voice-overs that Charlotte invented the name Shayla when she was eleven (even though the name had already been invented), then made her adult friends all swear they'd never use it to name their female spawn. An enraged Charlotte snarls, "You stole my baby name!" and Samantha overhears her, glares at Laney, and snaps, "You bitch! Let's go!" and the Sex and the City gals rush over to the door and beat a hasty retreat. The gals stop at a bar on the way home, and Charlotte bitches and moans about how the name Shayla would be her daughter's if she weren't still waiting for some guy to fall in love with her, propose, and impregnate her with a girl. Carrie assures her that she has lots of time to squeeze out a few kids, but Charlotte shakes her head miserably and says, "I don't want to be one of those forty year old moms" then looks sheepishly over at Samantha, the group's elder. Samantha protests really hard about how much she loves her life of regularly whoring her way through Manhattan, and refuses to feel inadequate by all this baby talk. Miranda wanks her by telling them she talked to one of the women at the shower who has a master's in finance, but all she wanted to talk about was her diaper genie. Carrie says you don't necessarily have to lose yourself when you have a child, then breaks the news that her period is ten days late...but she doesn't want to tell Big (or whoever else she's been sleeping with) anything until there's something to tell. Why the hell is this woman not on the pill? Charlotte pulls out her wish box, which is filled with reminders of all the thing she hoped for in life: a pillow for Shayla, photos of a Manhattan townhouse and her dream man. She angrily rips up the photos and tosses the Shayla pillow across the room, then hugs the empty wish box. What a nitwit. Carrie and Miranda are at the drug store, pregnancy test shopping. Carrie says she doesn't think she'd be very good at motherhood and asks Miranda if she thinks she's maternal, and Miranda half-heartedly says, "Uh...I guess." LOL. Laney calls up Carrie to tell her it was great seeing the four of them at her shower 'cause it reminded her of how much fun they all used to have. Weird. Does she not remember Charlotte and Samantha bitchily storming out of her house? She says they should get together more often...but actually do it, not just pretend they're going to do it. Carrie breezily promises they'll get together soon (even though we never see Laney on the show again), then tells her she's off to Samantha's party. Laney perks up at that and goes, "Hmm...Samantha's having a party?" The theme of Samantha's party is I don't have a baby, and she's dressed in a slinky strapless dress, gleefully pouring classes of champagne for her guests. Laney suddenly bursts into the apartment and announces, "The entertainment has arrived!" and Samantha scowls at her and snaps, "What are you doing here?" so Laney replies, "What I do best! Party!" and demands a drink. Charlotte storms over and demands to know what Laney's doing here, then bitches at her again for killing her dream of naming her non-existent daughter Shayla. Laney retorts, "You're lucky, 'cause I have no idea what happened to my dream." An investment banker friend of Carrie's asks her if Charlotte is available, and Carrie smiles and says, "Wide open" so he brings Charlotte a drink, and the two start chatting it up. Laney ambles over to the bar and grumbles, "This party sucks" and tries to pour herself a drink, but Carrie stops her and suggests she go home. Laney responds by bellowing, "Hey, you fuckers! Who wants to see my tits?!" and when everyone just sort of stares at her in bemused horror, she climbs onto an ottoman in the center of the room and begins to remove her shirt, which prompts Samantha to cluck in fake sympathy and say, "It's so sad...and the most fabulous validation I've ever gotten in my life!" That in itself is sad, Samantha. Fortunately, Laney finds it too awkward to strip off her maternity top, looks bewildered as she mutters, "This is weird", and decides that she doesn't want to show a group of strangers her hooters after all. Carrie walks Laney to a cab and says that a hard-partying floozy just isn't who she is anymore. Laney whines, "No one warned me this was going to happen!" then turns to Carrie and says, "One day you’re going to wake up and you’re not going to recognize yourself." She climbs into the cab, and Carrie knocks on the front window and orders the driver, "Take her to Connecticut." Say what?! From Manhattan?? Carrie spends the next day sitting on a park bench, watching cute kids play. She stares into space and silently wonders, "Could I do this? Would I be any good? Would I manage to stay me?" [No. No. Hopefully not.] After that, she ambles in the direction of her home...and during the walk, she gets her period. TMI, Carrie. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs, "In a city of perfect people, there was no one more perfect than Brooke"...Brooke being an attractive, successful interior designer who exclusively dates A-list guys. We then get footage of Brooke out on the town, getting in and out of limos with various gorgeous men while looking glamorous and smug about her fabulousness. Eventually she decided to settle down...and, naturally, the Sex and the City gals were anxious to see who made the cut. They're mystified when the groom turns out to be a balding dork who Brooke once referred to as "more boring than exposed brick". Brooke and her dork throw themselves a lavish, 100K wedding and invite everyone in Manhattan who's considered rich and high society...and, for some reason, include Carrie and her three slutty friends on the guest list. The gals get stuck at the least desirable singles' table with a balding dork (not to be confused with the groom) who Carrie dubs "The Turtle" and says was known for good investments but bad breath. The Turtle is immediately wowed by Samantha, but she's so turned off by his bad breath and dorkiness that she rudely flees the table. He cluelessly sits beside Carrie and gushes, "Your friend is gorgeous!" and Carrie shoves flower petals up her nostrils to keep from having to smell his foul breath. As the evening wears on, The Turtle continues to make a nuisance of himself...and the gals get bored by the wedding festivities. When it's finally goodbye time, Brooke hugs them each of them. She excitedly tells Charlotte, "You're next! Alan has great single friends!" but then grimly confides to Carrie, "It's better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them." Later, Carrie's in her apartment, typing what Brooke just said to her. She voice-overs that people are always telling her things she doesn't want to hear, and thinks that Brooke's revelation "crossed the line". She calls up Mr. Big and asks, "Why do people get married if they're not in love?" and he's like, "I dunno. Companionship...guilt." She asks him why he got married, and he says, "I was a fool in love...then a fool in divorce court" and staunchly declares that he never ever wants to get married again. Ever. [Bwahahaha! In your face, Carrie!] Carrie's all, "Wha-a?" and asks him if he's currently in bed with someone (which was weird 'cause I thought they more or less decided to be exclusive), and he goes, "No. You?" and she quips, "Just three slices of wedding cake." After hanging up, a troubled looking Carrie ponders the notion/purpose/benefit of continuing to date a man who has zero desire to ever marry her. [Even though he does eventually marry her in the Sex and the City movie...and learned too late what it means to be saddled with a naggy, controlling, insecure shrill girl-child 24/7.] The next day, the gals are at lunch, analyzing Mr. Big's statement about never wanting to remarry. Miranda and Samantha aren't at all surprised, but Charlotte is aghast and thinks that being in a relationship with a man who refuses to make the ultimate commitment is a major bummer. Carrie wails, "I wasn't even thinking about marriage - but now it's all I can think about!" Samantha advises her to be cool about it, 'cause if Big thinks she's indifferent about the issue of marriage, it'll make her seem more attractive. Charlotte argues that a healthy relationship should be based on honesty and communication, and Samantha rolls her eyes and says that actually believing that at the age of thirty-two is just stupid. Carrie asks them if she should just ignore Big's declaration about marriage, and Samantha and Miranda (and me) bark, "Yes!" and then Miranda makes one of those dumb Sex and the City-type proclamations that the writers insist on slipping into their scripts: "What's the big deal? In fifty years, men will be obsolete anyway." She explains that women no longer need men to have kids or enjoy sex with...as she happily discovered the other night. Samantha cackles and says, "Sounds like someone just got her first vibrator!" and Miranda blushes and calls her new sex toy the ultimate and says she's in love. Charlotte shakes her head in dismay and says she finds this conversation sad [and deeply insulting to decent people everywhere]...and Carrie concurs. Miranda argues, "You haven't met The Rabbit" but Charlotte insists that a vibrating, inanimate object can't possibly replace a human male. Miranda smugly retorts, "I know where my next orgasm is coming from. Who here can say as much?" and Carrie and Charlotte stare sheepishly at the floor 'cause, yeah, it's reasonable to dismiss all men as nothing more than deliverers of sexual pleasure to women. The gals (sans Samantha) head over to the nearest sex store to check out The Rabbit. Carrie pulls the purple dong out of its packaging and examines it...and Charlotte squeezes it and squeals, "It's cute! Like Peter Rabbit!" and says she doesn't find it at all scary or weird. Carrie's in her apartment, assembling The Rabbit, when Samantha calls to tell her about her evening. She went out with Jerry, a guy she met at Brooke's wedding. He brought her to a swanky restaurant, then told her he knew from the moment he saw that they'd be having dinner together. She grins and replies, "Well aren't you cocky?" and he says, "I'm the sort of guy who sees something he likes" - then pauses to eye a pretty woman as she walks by - "and goes after it." Samantha smiles and coos, "You sound like my kinda guy" and he stares after the pretty woman and abruptly excuses himself. Several minutes later, Samantha decides to see what's keeping Jerry, so she heads toward the back of the bar and is dismayed to see him leaning against the wall, canoodling with the pretty woman. Samantha looks sad and dejected, then turns toward the exit - when suddenly The Turtle, who's sitting at a table alone, stands up and calls out, "Samantha!" He invites her to join him, then gushes about how great she looks. Samantha absorbs the much needed compliment, then decides to sit with him. He tells her he was just thinking about her and asks, "Hey, do you like my shirt?" and she makes a blech face and tells him his breath reeks. He explains that he's taking Chinese herbs so he'll live longer, so she tells him he may live longer, but he'll be living alone. Back to the phone call: Samantha tells Carrie that once she gets The Turtle's breath under control, she's going to help him shop for a whole new wardrobe. Later, Carrie mulls all this over and taps on her computer, "In a city with great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?" Carrie meets up with Brooke, who's back from her honeymoon. As she returns undesirable wedding gifts, she waxes on about how fabulous marriage is, and that an enormous weight has been lifted from her shoulders. Carrie says she's happy for her and Alan and all that, but can't help noticing that she doesn't seem genuinely happy. Brooke admits that she has, indeed, settled for a rich dorky guy in exchange for the security of marriage. A few seconds later, the two run into Samantha and The Turtle, who's stylishly dressed in Helmut Lang. Brooke gushes, "You look great!" and Samantha smugly calls him "a whole new person" then announces that they're off to get him a facial. Brooke stares after them and remarks that Samantha seems really happy, which prompts Carrie to wonder if everyone in Manhattan is settling. No, Carrie. Not everyone in Manhattan is settling just 'cause two of your shallowest, most insecure friends hooked up with balding dorks. Carrie and Charlotte are in a torture yoga class, sitting on the floor as they stretch and pull on each other's arms. Charlotte quietly exclaims, "I broke my vagina!" and Carrie apologizes for stretching her too hard. Ew. Charlotte explains that The Rabbit was the thing that broke her vagina, and she's afraid that if she keeps masturbating with the purple vibrator, she'll never be able to enjoy sex with a man again. She says she's able to climax with The Rabbit every time, then widens her eyes and over-shares, "Once I came for five minutes!" Carrie refrains from calling her out on that completely implausible bullshit and suggests she find a way to enjoy sex with men and The Rabbit. Charlotte makes a face and goes, "Noooo" and insists she's done with the vibrator...then, in the next breath, tells Carrie she's cancelling on the ballet tonight 'cause she's, uh, expecting a long distance call. Carrie eyes her suspiciously, but doesn't call her out on the obvious fib. Carrie ends up taking Stanford Blatch to the ballet...and after the performance she happily twirls along the street while gushing about how much she loves Sleeping Beauty. Stanford grumbles that he's had it with the gay scene and complains that it's too competitive. Case in point: he recently placed a personal ad in the paper and was standing on the street, waiting to meet the only guy who answered it. The guy arrived twenty minutes late, gave Stanford a disdainful once-over, then backed away, said, "Sorry, it's not going to happen" and rushed off. Ouch. Stanford moans, "It's so brutal out there!" and says that fifteen years of rejection is no longer a phase; it's a lifestyle. He says he should probably just get married so he can collect his inheritance, then explains that his rich grandmother gives each grandchild a big pile of cash when they wed. When Carrie points out the obvious, he says, "She doesn't believe in gay." Carrie jokingly suggests he propose to her, since Mr. Big is never going to, and Stanford's like, "Hey, that's actually a good idea!" Carrie's in bed, post coitus, with Mr. Big. She tells him she received a marriage proposal last night from a handsome, witty man - Stanford Blatch - who's about to come into his inheritance. Big furrows his brows and goes, "I thought he was gay" and Carrie's like, "Well, d'yuh." Big asks her what she plans to do about sex, and she lights up a cigarette, takes a puff, and saucily replies, "I have you." He chuckles and looks as though he's thinking it's actually not that bad of an arrangement for himself, then says, "I guess you've got it all figured out." Carrie's about to leave her apartment to meet up with Miranda and Charlotte at a gallery opening in Chelsea when she gets a call from Charlotte, who says she has to cancel. The camera then pans over to Charlotte, who's lounging on her bed, clearly enjoying the effects of afterglow from The Rabbit. She tells Carrie she's too wiped out to leave the house, and Carrie voice-overs that she knew this was code for I'm spending the night with my vibrator. In the next scene, she and Miranda march over to Charlotte's apartment for A Rabbit Intervention, and burst in and confiscate the sex toy. Charlotte blames Miranda for her five minute orgasm addiction, since she's the one who urged her to buy The Rabbit...and Miranda goes, "I thought you could handle it." Charlotte says she'd much rather stay home with The Rabbit than go out and deal with men...then realizes how crazy that sounds and hands over her vibrator to Miranda, who shoves it in her purse. Ick. I hope it's been sterilized since her last use. Samantha and The Turtle are at a restaurant together, and he's examining the mushrooms in his pasta, trying very hard to figure out exactly which kind of mushrooms they are. Samantha gets annoyed and says, "Maybe it doesn't matter", but when he continues to scrutinize the mushroom on his raised fork, she throws in the towel and concedes that he's always just going to be a turtle in a designer outfit. She tells him she doesn't feel well and is going home, then unconvincingly says, "I'll call you." The Turtle, who's at least smart enough to get that this is the last he'll ever see of Samantha, starts flirting with the women seated next to him. Stanford brings Carrie to visit his grandmother at her lavish estate. Grandma Blatch is decked out in a lovely Chanel suit, which she and Carrie agree will never go out of style. Carrie tells her she's a columnist, blah blah...and Grandma Blatch says she gave up her writing career to raise her children. She asks Carrie if she wants to have a family, and after a few seconds of careful thought, Carrie says she definitely does. Grandma Blatch sends Stanford to another room to get some matches, then tells Carrie she loves Stanford but grimly adds, "But he is a fruit." Er...OK. I guess that means no inheritance for Stanny. Carrie and Big are making dinner at his apartment. She tells him she definitely wants to get married someday - not today, but someday - then asks, "What's the point of dating, otherwise?" Big motions toward the tomato sauce he's stirring and says something like, "It's all in the timing...when you add each ingredient. Know what I mean?" When she just stares back at him blankly, he says, "I thought we were having fun." Carrie nods and grins at him, then voice-overs that she suddenly decided to live in the moment and not worry so much about the future...and then she and Big start making out - just in time for the credits to start rolling. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how a young woman from Manhattan had just fallen in love...and the camera quickly pans over to Charlotte, who meets Jack at a black tie benefit for Epstein-Barr. After hitting it off immediately, the two were inseparable over the next several weeks...attending fundraisers for various other ailments and entering rollerblading races together. Carrie gushingly voice-overs, "Jack was perfect for her: architect, philanthropist, amazing sex." As Charlotte and Jack lay in bed one night, he asks about her fantasies, and Charlotte interprets the question in the vein of what are your hopes and dreams? so she tells him she'd love to own her own gallery and buy a little cottage in Maine. Jack chuckles and tells her he was thinking more along the lines of "screwing in a plane's lavatory" 'cause clearly he's a classy guy. Charlotte mulls that over and says she's always wanted to do it in her parent's bed, and Jack tries not to roll his eyes at the lameness of her odd fantasy and murmurs, "Wild.." then tells her his fantasy: "You, me, and another woman." Charlotte looks appalled and shrieks, "Jack!" but he insists he's totally serious, waxes on about how super sexy she is, then says the mere thought of her touching another woman gives him a stiffy. Over lunch, Charlotte tells the gals that Jack wants to have a threesome...and an unfazed Samantha nods and says, "Of course he does. They're huge right now. They're the blow job of the '90s." Well...I guess she'd know. Miranda warns Charlotte not to let herself be pressured into a threesome, 'cause it might just be a cheap ploy for Jack to watch her be a lesbian for a night. Samantha says, "Don't knock it 'til you try it" and tells Charlotte that the best way to indulge in a threesome is to be the guest star, then says, "That way you can have great sex without worrying about what it will do to your relationship." When Charlotte points out that to Samantha that she doesn't actually have relationships, Samantha cackles, "That's why I have great sex!" She advises against including a friend in the threesome, but Charlotte argues that she'd feel safer with someone she trusts - like Carrie, for example. Carrie says that while she's flattered to be considered, Samantha would be a much better choice 'cause of all her experience in the sack. Miranda just stares back at the three of them, insulted that none of them mentioned wanting her to be included in their three-ways. She petulantly snarks, "I'd do it with you!" Carrie's in her apartment, tapping away on her computer as she ponders the notion of the threesome. She types, "Were threesomes the new sexual frontier?" and remarks that wherever she looked now, everything seemed to come in threes! We then get some carefully contrived footage of three people riding a tandem bicycle (didn't know they made those for three), a guy walking three dogs, and three old people strolling together in Central Park. As Carrie continues to tap out her nonsense, lightly shaking her head from side to side to demonstrate how deeply she's pondering this shit, she writes, "Maybe threesomes were the relationships of the future." Or maybe they're not. Maybe not everyone in Manhattan is hooking up in threes just 'cause you and your slutty friends had a conversation at lunch about it. Samantha's bumping uglies with some married guy named Ken. When they climax and collapse on the bed, sweaty and exhausted, Ken lets out a satisfied, "Woo!" and declares, "I love that you're not my wife" and Samantha wryly replies, "I love that too." He sighs happily and says he loves "that thing you do with your hips" and complains about how his frigid wife won't even get on top. We then hear Carrie voice-over about how Ken was an unhappily married man, and that his affair with Samantha was the most exciting thing to happen in his life in a long time. He should probably just get out more. After a fabulous evening of "dancing for dyslexia", Charlotte and Jack retreat to a bar for a nightcap. He starts harping about his three-way fantasy again, then points out an Asian woman and asks Charlotte if she thinks she's hot. Charlotte prudishly exclaims, "Jack!" so he motions toward a woman who's standing behind him and says that she's probably more her taste. A blonde woman suddenly comes over and asks Charlotte if she has a light, and Charlotte politely tells her she doesn't smoke. The blonde gives her an appreciative once-over, says, "That's a shame", and sashays off. Jack's all, "Oooh! She was flirting with you!" then feeds her some nonsense about how she's constantly giving off a sexual vibe, and looks as though she has a fire burning inside of her all the time. Charlotte smiles mischievously and says, "I think she put her hand on my leg." Jack and his penis immediately perk up, and he asks her if he should go ask the blonde woman to join them...and Charlotte just eyes him sexily but doesn't answer. I fucking hate it when TV characters don't answer a direct question, and instead stare mutely at the person asking the question while the scene fades out. Later that night, Charlotte had "an eye opening experience". She wanders into a room where Jack is getting it on with the blonde woman, and when the two notice Charlotte walking toward them, they both reach out to her invitingly. At that moment, the alarm goes off - it was all a dream! - and Charlotte wakes up with a happy smile. Miranda was apparently so troubled that none of her friends wanted to include her in their imaginary three-ways, that she's seeking counselling from a therapist. What an insecure moron. She's telling her therapist about the dream she just had: she's in a sandbox with Carrie, Charlotte, and Samantha - and none of them will play with her. The therapist asks her what she thinks it means, and she rolls her eyes and says, "Please. It's obvious" then admits she knows it's juvenile to be insulted over something so stupefyingly inane, even for this show. The therapist wonders aloud if she's attracted to her girlfriends, and Miranda wails, "No! But if your friends won't go down on you - who will?" I hope to hell this therapist is overcharging the shit out of her. Carrie and Charlotte are walking down the street together, discussing Charlotte's threesome dream. She says it was so real, and that she's pretty sure she enjoyed the three-way sex. Carrie says that dreams are a good way to experiment, then likens sex dreams to "buying a dress and keeping the tags on". Charlotte asks her if she thinks this means she should go through with the threesome, then mentions the bullcack line Jack fed her about how she has a fire burning inside of her all the time. Carrie says it's her call, but that she shouldn't just do it just to make Jack happy. Charlotte argues that it could bring them closer together, so Carrie points out how boneheaded it is that she's thinking of sleeping with a stranger to get closer to Jack. Charlotte retorts, "But how well do we ever know the people we sleep with?" Let's see...if we're talking about women who indiscriminately hope into bed with every loser they ever rub up against, I'm guessing not very well. Carrie marvels about how "right on" on that statement was, and compares Charlotte's profound insights to the wisdom of the Dalai Lama. Carrie buys herself a copy of the Village Voice and wonders, "If Charlotte was actually considering a threesome, who wasn't?" Millions, surely. She browses through the classifieds of the paper and notices that the Voice has more ads looking for threesomes than it did apartment rentals. Carrie's all, "Wha-a? Who actually answers these ads?" and to answer that question, we get a series of awful testimonials from awful, random people on the street. The most charming of the group tells viewers he's "a Wall Street honcho who's seeking two women for South Hampton fuckfest" then specifies, "No fatties." Carrie voice-overs that unlike all the kinky people in Manhattan indulging in threesome orgies, she and Mr. Big had settled into monogamous domesticity. Case in point: she's over at his apartment one morning, helping him pick a tie. He asks her if she's available for a nooner later, but she declines and says she interviewing someone about threesomes. She then asks him if he's ever had one, and he goes, "Sure. Who hasn't?" Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" so he explains that he had a threesome once when he was married...and Carrie's all "Wha-a?! You were married?" Carrie tells Miranda and Samantha that Big has an ex-wife with whom he used to have wild sex. The two of them, on the other hand, don't have wild sex - they have sweet sex. Gross - even that is too much information. Samantha chimes in to needlessly announce that Ken is fucking her because his wife won't even give him a blow job, and Miranda warns her that Ken is probably never going to leave his wife for her. (Um, has she met Samantha?) The two then urge Carrie to sneakily check out the ex-Mrs. Big 'cause, yeah, that's something a mature person who's secure in her relationship would want to spend her time doing. Not surprisingly, Carrie puts on her serious face as she mulls over that idea. Carrie is strutting down the street, voice-overing about how on-the-nose Charlotte was when she said, "We don't really know the people we sleep with." She then wonders what she really knows about Mr. Big - except that he has an ex-wife named Barbara who's an editor in a publishing house...which, of course, is where Carrie is headed right now. Her plan is to get some face-to-face time with Barbara by pitching a steamy, bodice-ripping romance novel she's sure to reject. After a few minutes of waiting, Carrie is ushered in to see Barbara - and she's a gregarious, stylishly attractive brunette who gushes to Carrie about what a huge fan she is of her shittastic column. A dismayed Carrie voice-overs, "Good taste and beautiful - could it get worse?" Barbara tells her she's dying to hear her pitch, then says she had no idea she was into writing children's books. Carrie suddenly looks bewildered and tells viewers that since she had no idea Barbara exclusively published children's books, she had no choice but to pull a pitch out of her ass. She tells Barbara that her story is about a little girl named Cathy - then glances over at her purse and sees her package of smokes - who has magic cigarettes. Barbara looks at her like she's nuts and goes, "You want to write a children's book about smoking?" so Carrie "elaborates" and says that whenever little Cathy lights up a cigarette, she's able to travel anywhere in the world. She quickly adds that it's really a children's book for adults. Barbara chuckles with delight, calls her stupid idea outrageous and says she loves it. Carrie voice-overs that that was the last straw: "She was smart, beautiful, and she got me. I'd have to kill her." Or you can just focus on living your own life and not bother a busy editor at her place of business. Samantha bumps into Ken and his wife, Ruth, while she's out shopping. Ken awkwardly introduces the two women to each other...and when Ruth begins to put two and two together, Ken quickly hustles her out of there. Miranda's having another therapy session, once again babbling about her sandbox dream. I can't believe this is even a sub-plot. The therapist says he thinks she's upset about being sexually rejected by her friends, but Miranda rejects that theory and asks him if he'd be into the idea of having a threesome with her. He stares back at her grimly and says they should probably explore why she's asking him that, and Miranda says, "I'll take that as a no." As I'm sure it was meant. Carrie and Mr. Big are in his bed, getting it on. She hallucinates that Barbara is in bed with them, showing Carrie how best to excite Big...and she gets so weirded out by the voices in her head that she quietly lays down on her side, her back facing Big. He scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "What just happened? Where did you go?" She tells him she's preoccupied with her column, and he rolls his eyes at the obvious fib and explains that he was married a long time ago and doesn't want to talk about the past. He then spoons her, and Carrie imagines that Barbara is spooning along with them. The next day, Barbara asks Carrie to lunch - God knows why - and the two meet in a swanky restaurant. She tells Carrie that her boss didn't go for the Cathy/cigarettes book - shocker - but says that she still loves the project. She adds, "I'd like it if we became friends" and the two linger at the restaurant for several hours, sipping wine. Barbara tells her she was married once, and that her shitty husband had a wandering eye...which wandered right over to her best friend. Yikes. She then asks Carrie if she's seeing anyone, but Carrie just waves her hand in the air and says, "No one special." Ken calls up Samantha and excitedly declares, "It's over! I told my wife!" and Samantha looks horrified and goes, "Who is this?" LOL. Ken tells her he loves her, and that they can be together and have awesome, guilt-free sex all the time now. Samantha panics and murmurs, "No no no no no no!" just as she gets an incoming call from Ruth, who wails, "Ken and I love each other very much!" and insists that their marital bond is unshakable. Samantha assures her that their affair didn't mean anything; it was just sex...so Ruth tells her she'll reluctantly agree to a threesome, if it'll save her marriage. Samantha looks icked out at the prospect. Charlotte and Jack are at an ADD masquerade ball. Once again, Jack gets all pushy about choosing a guest star for their threesome and asks Charlotte if she sees anyone at the party who's her type. Charlotte obediently scans the room and starts eyeing a pretty blonde woman who eyes her back. Charlotte musters up her courage and winks at the woman...and when the woman winks back, Charlotte excitedly tells Jack, "OMG! She winked back!" then flees upstairs to the nearest bedroom. Jack follows her and asks her if she's OK, and she nods and admits she's a little weirded out by this tedious threesome storyline. She tells him about another fantasy she's always had: to do it upstairs at a party. How lovely for the homeowners, and the occupant of that bedroom who's going to have to launder the sheets. As the two start kissing, the blonde woman Charlotte winked at enters the room and asks if she can join them. Charlotte and Jack nod, and the three sit on the bed together. Blondie and Jack lean behind Charlotte and kiss...then start getting it on so feverishly that Charlotte gets edged out of the action and tumbles off the bed. She gets up, looking bewildered and pouty, then stalks out of the room. A dolled up Miranda enters a downtown bar and sits at a table across from a couple. The woman looks Miranda over and blurts out, "What a relief!" and says that most of the women who answered their ad were grisly uggos, "Nothing like you!" Miranda too looks relieved and gratefully replies, "Thanks." The couple tells her they've never done anything like this before, and the man asks her if she's busy tonight. Miranda says she wants to be clear about what they're talking about and asks, "So...you're saying you want to do a threesome with me?" The two eagerly nod, and Miranda happily grins and says she has to make a quick phone call...then quietly slips out of the bar while they're not looking. She strides down the street, smug about finally getting her much needed validation...clearly unconcerned with the two people she so dickishly deceived and abandoned inside the bar. Carrie and Mr. Big get together after spending eight days apart. As they stroll down the street together, Carrie tells him she's still really thrown about him having an ex-wife, along with the "big bomb" he dropped about having a threesome. She asks him why they split up, so he says, "Because I cheated on her" and she goes, "I know" and he goes, "I know you know." Heh. Apparently, he and Barbara still keep in touch, and she told him all about her lunch date with Carrie Bradshaw. Big explains that he and Barbara had a threesome 'cause they were both looking for someone else...and then puts his arm around Carrie and rhetorically asks her if she happens to know anyone who's right for him. As they start kissing, Carrie hallucinates that Barbara is standing on the street, watching them from a few feet away. But after a few seconds, she strolls off...most likely 'cause a woman like her would not give a flying fuck about what her ex-husband and his skanky girlfriend are doing. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs that Manhattan is a cozy village that's home to seven million people...but that lately it seemed as though it had been reduced to two people: her and Mr. Big. She gushes about how rapidly time flies by whenever they spend time together, and then we see footage of the two of them on a busy Manhattan sidewalk, staring lovingly into each other's eyes and smooching. Blech. Miranda calls Carrie to bitch at her for spending so much time with Mr. Big lately. Carrie explains that she's been hit hard by this romance, blah blah...and the two friends make plans to get together for dinner, along with Samantha and Charlotte. She needlessly adds that Big has "a dinner thing" tonight and isn't available anyway, and Miranda snorts derisively and says, "God - will you listen to yourself?" Carrie sheepishly replies, "Yeah...I know. I've become one of those women we hate." Oh, Carrie. You've never not been the kind of woman I hate...loathe...can barely look at without wanting to throw things at the TV. At dinner, Carrie sheepishly acknowledges that she's been forsaking her girlfriends to hang with her new boyfriend. They tell her how hurt and offended they are - but then Charlotte lightens things up when she grins and exclaims, "You've missed a lot!" and we get a brief recap of everything that's been going on in their lives: Miranda has been busy with a successful merger at her law firm, Samantha is on the hunt for a new apartment, and Charlotte is practically engaged. Her new beau's name is Michael Conway, and he's from a good (meaning rich) New York family who adores Charlotte. She excitedly gushes, "This might be it! The one!" Samantha attests that she and Miranda have met Michael and think he's perfect...and even think his dog (a gorgeous Golden Retriever) is perfect. There is, however, one tiny snag...and then we get a flashback of Charlotte and Michael as they make out, then transition to a "blow-job tug of war". Michael keeps trying to steer Charlotte's head in the direction of his crotch, but she's not into it and keeps popping her head back up. He's like, "Aw come on!" so she gives him a vague promise of blow-jobs to come. Back at dinner, she declares to the gals that she hates giving head. An appalled Samantha gasps in horror, while Miranda registers surprise. Charlotte wails, "I don't like putting it in my mouth!" and adds that her sensitive gag reflex makes it impossible for her to a blow a guy without wanting to puke. Miranda needlessly remarks that she prefers not to swallow, and Carrie's assessment of oral sex is: "It's not my favorite thing on the menu, but I'll order it from time to time." She then grins at Samantha and adds, "With the right guy...it can be niiice." Samantha smiles approvingly and says she loves the sense of power it gives her. Charlotte stubbornly insists that she doesn't like it, and therefore doesn't expect Michael to go down on her. Miranda lets out a bitter sounding guffaw and says, "Well, forget it! I only give head to get head" and the four start cackling at their collective wit. As always, nice, classy dinner conversation, ladies. A few hours later, the gals head out...and on their way towards the exit, Samantha notices Mr. Big sitting at a table with an attractive brunette and points him out to Carrie. Carrie says she's just going to say a quick hi, and walks over. Mr. Big looks startled when Carrie suddenly appears and hovers over him while grinning like an idiot. He awkwardly introduces her to his dinner companion...and she suddenly looks suspicious and asks him if they can speak privately. After they step a few feet away from the table, Carrie comes right out and asks, "Are you on a date?" He goes, "Sorta" so she says she thought he had a business thing tonight, and he corrects her and says it's a dinner thing. Carrie calls his date "stunning", then adds, "Because she stunned me." Looking completely deflated, Carrie wishes him a nice dinner and turns to head back to her friends - but Big stops her and asks if she's OK. She sadly replies, "Sure. I just didn't realize you were dating other women." He tells her he's not dating a lot of women, then asks if they can talk about this another time - as in, when he's not on a date. Hee! She says, "Sure" and walks over to where the gals are sympathetically staring at her, then throws up her arms in frustration and wails, "I can't believe it! He's seeing other women!" Carrie has gone home, and is now pacing the length of her apartment while frantically puffing on a cigarette. She acknowledges that even though she and Mr. Big never actually discussed exclusivity, she has no desire to date other men...but it's clear that Big is enjoying dating other women. She starts tapping away on her computer and asks viewers to contemplate her current relationship quandary: "Did men have an innate aversion to monogamy - or was it more than that? In a city like New York, with its infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect?" To help viewers wade through Carrie's Big Crisis, we get a testimonial from a dorky water delivery guy, who says he's been in a monogamous relationship for over a year and that it's been very fulfilling...but adds that his definition of monogamy includes sex with prostitutes. How lovely for your partner, asshole. A woman standing in her kitchen rolls her eyes as she declares, "Monogamy is just so incredibly dull" while a gay guy in Central Park tells viewers that he and his partner have sex with other people; however, they don't exchange fluids or phone numbers. A young woman who's sunbathing calls monogamy fabulous and says, "It gives you a deep and profound connection to another human being...and you don't have to shave your legs as much." I really can't wait until these stupid testimonials are a thing of the past on this show. Samantha is checking out an apartment with a female realtor. She loves the fantastic view of the city, but says it's way out of her price range. The realtor says she just wanted her to see it so she'd know what's out there, then makes her promise not to work with any other broker. Samantha looks faux shocked that she'd even suggest such a thing and says, "Of course!"...and in the very next scene Samantha's checking out a different apartment with an attractive male realtor. Carrie voice-overs that this realtor gave Samantha the opportunity to combine her two greatest loves: sex and real estate. Carrie drags Stanford out for a drink, and he makes one of those dumb kinds of pronouncements we're frequently tortured with on Sex and the City: "Monogamy is on the way out again. It made a brief comeback in the '90s - but as the millennium approaches, everyone's leaving their options open." Carrie asks him if he's not interested in committing to a nice guy, but he jokes that he can't even commit to a long distance carrier. An attractive young guy named Jarrod, who Stanford knows, approaches them at the bar, and Stanford introduces him Carrie. Jarrod tells Carrie he reads her column, and then wanks her further by saying, "Nice shit" - LOL - and Carrie breezily replies, "Thanks." Stanford tells Carrie that Jarrod is a novelist, and that New York Magazine just named him one of the coolest people under thirty in the city. Jarrod declares to Carrie that she's one of the sexiest women in the city - he's mad as a hatter, this boy - then invites her and Stanford to a fabulous New York Magazine party tomorrow night at the Luna Park Cafe. Carrie cocks her head to the side and coyly says, "I'll do my best." Carrie returns to her apartment, voice-overing that she used to get a rush whenever good looking men hit on her...but today it just felt exhausting. Mr. Big calls to confirm their date tomorrow night and says he'll pick her up at 8pm. He coos, "I miss you baby", which...gross. I really can't stand it when he calls her baby. Carrie goes out to eat with Miranda, and the two sit in an outdoor patio. Carrie babbles incessantly about the phone conversation she just had with Mr. Big, while Miranda does her best to pretend she gives a tiny shit. Suddenly, Skipper and a pretty woman happen to walk by, and they stroll over to the outdoor patio. Skipper says hey, then introduces his girlfriend, Alison, to Carrie and Miranda. As they chit-chat, Alison mentions that she works at Vogue, and that she's a big fan of Carrie's shittastic column. Miranda quietly scowls at her...and as soon as she and Skipper amble off and are out of hearing range, she cattily snarks, "Who was that self-important bitch?" Carrie tells her she's Skipper's new girlfriend, and Miranda grumps that she didn't think that was his type and looks peeved. Carrie reminds her that she's his type, but that she broke up with him. Miranda suddenly gets a dreamy expression on her face and stares after Skipper, then remarks that something about him looks different. Skipper and Alison are bumping uglies when his phone rings. It's Miranda, and she starts to leave him a message about how great it was to run into him. Skipper fumbles, in mid-doink with Alison, to answer the phone. Miranda tells him she misses him and that she'd love to have dinner with him some night, and Skipper happily says he'll call her later. After he hangs up, Alison stares up at him concernedly and asks him if everything is OK, and he tells her she's great and everything...but the woman he really loves just called and gave him the impression that she might possibly want to get back together. Alison stares at him, incredulously, and goes, "You're breaking up with me while you're still inside of me?" Sadly...yes. And ew. Charlotte and Michael are out together, strolling and holding hands. He tells her he'd like for them to be exclusive, and she likes the sound of that and gives him a smooch. Carrie and Mr. Big arrive at a private party, and she's decked out in a slinky dress that showcases her sinewy arms, and she also has tacky round rouge spots on her cheeks. (Who on earth did the make up for this show?) Big tells her that his friend, Max, is the host of the party...and a few seconds later, a beautiful woman greets Big warmly and plants a kiss on him. He hastily introduces her to Carrie, and she gushes about how much she loves her Sex and the City column, then chides Big for still having her passport. After she saunters off, Carrie gives him a WTF? look, so he sheepishly explains that they used to travel together. Mmm hmm.. Big finally locates Max, and the two men hug hello. Big motions toward Carrie and tells him he wants to introduce him to someone special, and Max grins and blurts out, "Julia!" Bwahaha! Carrie deflates and says, "Actually, it's Carrie" and Max looks momentarily puzzled and goes, "Carrie..?" then shakes off the awkward scene he just created and says, "Well...welcome!" Big explains to Max that Carrie writes a shittastic sex column in the New York Star, so Max tells her she's definitely dating the right man for juicy material. Carrie turns to Big and bitchily retorts, "Are we dating? I thought we were just sleeping together." Big chuckles uncomfortably and jokes that after tonight they probably won't be doing much of either. Oh please don't get my hopes up. Carrie brusquely excuses herself, and Big trails after her. She asks him how many women he's currently dating, and he declines to answer and asks her if they can just enjoy the party. She says she doesn't think she can, so he goes, "What do you want from me?" and she stares back at him with a hurt expression, somehow manages to hold back her tears, and replies, "Nothing. I don't want anything from you." She leaves the party alone and heads over to the Luna Park Cafe, where she lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away. She quickly finds Jarrod, who's wearing shades even though it's night time. He offers to get her a drink of her choice - a cosmopolitan, please - and she flippantly voice-overs, "I began to think that monogamy was just a quaint notion." Skipper and Miranda are lying in bed together, post coitus. He tells her he broke up with Alison when she called him in mid-doink, and Miranda calls that crazy and says, "You didn't have to do that" but he insists he did. Miranda tells him she's not really ready for a "full blown relationship thing", and he scrunches his face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a?!" She says she still wants to see other people, but he says he doesn't and is angry that she called him and turned his pathetic life upside down to start things up again. He wails, "I'm not your private stud horse! I'm tired of being jerked around!" then gets out of the bed and storms out. Please let this be the last time we ever see this loser. Over at Michael's apartment, Michael tells Charlotte she's amazing, sweet, sexy, and smart - in other words, everything he's looking for in a future mate. They start kissing...and as things get more amorous, he shoves her head toward his crotch. When she resists, he's all, "Whassup?" so she finally comes right out and says she really really hates giving head. He stares at her in surprise, so she asks, "Is it a big deal?" and he's like, "Um, sorta" so she asks him if he'd really want her to do something she doesn't want to do, and he's like, "Um, sorta" and assures her she'll get used to it. She says she can't, won't, never has, and isn't willing to try. Michael tells her he plans to have lots of blow-jobs in his life - and that if he doesn't get them from her, he'll seek them elsewhere. Charlotte asks him if he'd really give up on her awesomeness for a measly blow-job...and he mulls that over and asks her if she'd be willing to at least lick his balls. She stares back at him with dismay, says, "Good night" and leaves. And that's the end of that. At half past midnight, the male realtor is showing Samantha an apartment that's about to hit the market. Samantha looks impressed and then gushes about how much she loves it. She chirps, "Let's celebrate!" (Shouldn't they maybe close the deal first?) The realtor shuts off the lights, and they start to make out and get undressed just as the female realtor [Samantha was seeing apartments with earlier in the episode] enters with a client. They gasp at the sight of a topless Samantha, and the male realtor tries to protect Samantha's non-existent dignity by reaching his hands around from behind to cover her bare breasts. The female realtor is miffed that Samantha enlisted another realtor for her quest to find a new home, and an unapologetic Samantha tells her she's miffed she didn't show her this apartment. Back at the Luna Park Cafe, Carrie and Jarrod are flirting with each other in a truly nauseating fashion, and Jarrod suddenly declares, "I'm fucking in love with you!" He invites her to go home with him [for what I'll assume is a meaningless one night stand], and she stares at him contemplatively for a few seconds and says she has to go make a phone call. She heads over to the phone on the bar and calls up Mr. Big to saucily inform him that she's at a very cool party for very cool people...and a very cool novelist wants to take her home with him. Big's all, "Wha-a?" so she tells him that Jarrod is very cute and right now he has his arms around her. Instead of abruptly hanging up the phone and thanking his lucky stars that he discovered what an immature, manipulative turd Carrie is before their relationship got too far afield, Big tells her to get over to his place. She petulantly retorts, "You come over here" and he says, "I can't. I don't know where you are" so she tells him she's at the Luna Park Cafe and orders him to meet her out front. Forty-five minutes later, Carrie is still standing on the street, waiting for Big to show up. She's about to throw in the towel and hail a cab when he finally shows up. He explains that he's been waiting out front for the last twenty minutes, then asks her what she's doing in the back of the cafe. She insists that this is the front, and...blah blah, they bicker back and forth as they sort out the confusion of what constitutes the front of the Luna Park Cafe. He asks her whassup, so she says she finally found a man she wants to "stand still" with, then asks him he if wants to stand still with her. He stares at her in faux confusion, then responds by putting an arm around her and staring deeply into her eyes...and the two stare up at the stars as the camera pans upward. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
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