Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how Manhattan restaurants are always bending over backwards to appeal to the jaded New Yorkers' palette...and apparently the newest thing in the Big Apple is hanging out in S&M themed eateries, 'cause yeah that's appetizing. Samantha's PR firm was hired to handle the opening of an S&M restaurant, and we get an eyeful of male waiters prancing around in studded leather jock straps, one of whom gets an ass whipping by Samantha when he messes up the girls' drink order. Charlotte is embarrassed that everyone around her is decked out in a risqué outfit...and when Samantha uses the butt end of her whip to caress Charlotte's face and asks her what her fetish is, Charlotte says she doesn't have one. Carrie, who's wearing a black crop top and hideous looking poofy skirt, announces that she's cutting out on them to go say goodbye to Mr. Big, then explains that he's flying to Paris on business tomorrow. Samantha hands her her whip and black top hat and tells her to "give him a goodbye he'll never forget". Ick. Carrie appears on Big's doorstep, dressed in her stupid outfit plus top hat, and she's holding Samantha's whip between her teeth. When Big just stares back at her with a dismayed, blank expression on his face, she pouts and says, "Well laugh. It's a joke." He murmurs, "Oooh.." and then pulls her inside and gives her an obligatory smooch.
Stanford is at home cruising his favorite website, Sexpress, and exchanging in virtual sex banter with Bigtool4u. Carrie voice-overs that Charlotte has a secret shoe fetish - even though, of the four of them, I thought Carrie had the market cornered on wasting her earnings on ridiculously expensive footwear. Charlotte enters her favorite shoe store, where a salesman named Buster greets her, estimates her shoe size, and entices her with a pair of overpriced sandals. She coos, "You are baaaad!" but agrees to try them on. When she asks Buster how much they cost, he tells her $400...and when she remarks that that's way more than anyone in their right mind should ever spend on a pair of sandals, he offers to take 50% off. Miranda is browsing a shelf of historical biographies at a used bookstore when she spots an attractive man doing the same thing a few feet away. She chats him up about her favorite biographers...and the two start flirting and give each other the once-over. Carrie is kneeling on Big's bed, poutishly watching him pack his suitcase for Paris. She moans about how much she's going to miss him...and when he doesn't rejoin with, "Oooh, I'm really going to miss you too, Carrie!", she changes the subject and mentions that Charlotte is interested in renting a house in the Hamptons this summer. She asks him if they should get in on that, but Big says prolly not 'cause he may have to move to Paris for awhile. Carrie's all, "Wha-a?!" then shakes her head in disbelief while stammering, "Wait wait wait wait wait wait..." and asks him how long he's known about this. He tells her that nothing is definite yet, that he'll know more after this trip, and to skedaddle 'cause he has a plane to catch. Carrie gets together with the gals for lunch and bitches and moans about Big's departure and how he acted like it was her problem. Charlotte just kind of shrugs and says it's no big deal that Big has to live in Paris for awhile, and points out that she can always fly over and visit him...so Carrie explains that what irks her about it is that she wasn't even a factor in his decision-making. Samantha clucks sympathetically and says that men do this sort of thing all the time, and nonsensically adds, "Their version of we is me and my dick." Carrie wails, "Just tell me what's going on! Is that too much to ask?!" She then stares into space with a bewildered expression on face, says she can't believe this is happening again, then slams both hands on the table, causing silverware to crash to the floor. Miranda urges her to chillax and not make an even more embarrassing spectacle of herself than she generally does whenever she's tormented by Big's obvious disdain for her. Carrie self-piteously whimpers, "I must be a masochist or something"...and by something she means a childish, insecure, self-centered, clingy bore who somehow fancies herself a feminist role model for women everywhere. Carrie channels the pain of her stupid relationship with Mr. Big by writing the latest instalment of her shittastic column. She types 'when it comes to relationships, how do we know when enough is enough?' and then stares contemplatively into space as if it's still an open question whether or not Big has had enough of her childish antics. Miranda and the bookstore guy, Jack, are wrapping up a great first date. As they amble along the street, he offers to show her Mark Twain's old house, then steers her into a private courtyard. She glances around nervously and tells him they're on private property, and he's like, "I know" and pushes her against a wall and smooches her...and Miranda quickly comes to the realization that Jack gets off on having sex in places where they're likely to get caught. How lovely for the people who inadvertently stumble upon them in mid-doink. Stanford is over at Carrie's apartment, and the two are drinking cocktails. He tells her he has a confession to make for which he doesn't want to be judged...then sheepishly says, "I have cybersex on the Internet...and my name is Rick9plus." He tells Carrie he's been sexing with Bigtool4u, and Carrie spits out her drink and starts giggling. Stanford says that he's been chatting with Bigtool4u, who now wants to meet him in person, and he's strongly considering it 'cause Bigtool seems hot and it's been a long time since he's had good sex. Carrie gives him her blessing to indulge in a naughty little adventure, and adds, "Be safe. Have fun." Carrie drunk dials Mr. Big in Paris...and after he sleepily checks his watch, he snarks that it's 5:30 in the fucking morning. She's like, "Whatever" and demands to know how he could even think about moving to Paris without discussing it with her first, then rambles incoherently about how she thinks about him all the time, blah blah, and refers to herself as a woooo-man. Big asks her if they could have this conversation another time - preferably never - and jokes (sort of), "Have another cocktail, woman." When he tries to tell her he's too tired to muster the energy to spar with her over the phone, she tells him to get used to this kind of verbal abuse - 'cause if he moves to Paris, this is what their relationship is going to degenerate into. When an irritated Big abruptly ends the call, Carrie curses as she spills cocktail juice all over her clothes.
Jack wants to go down on Miranda while they're riding in the back seat of a cab...and Miranda's like, "Why not?" and agrees that it's a fab idea. As Jack buries his head between her legs and gets to work, Miranda starts moaning...and the icked out cabbie shoots them a confused look from the rearview mirror and somehow doesn't threaten to throw them out of his cab for public indecency. Charlotte returns to Buster's shoe store to try on more sandals...and Buster looks entranced with her "well formed" feet. He offers her a stupidly expensive pair of the latest arrivals free of charge, and Charlotte's all, "Wha-a? Why would you do that?" and Buster eyes her feet and suggests that perhaps they need a little rub..? Carrie is walking down the street with Charlotte and Miranda, gabbling about how she may have overreacted to the whole Paris Situation. She's suddenly optimistic about working it out, and says that visiting Big in Paris could be fun and romantic. Miranda changes the subject to announce that she and Jack have been having sex in public places all over Manhattan...and Charlotte's all, "Ewww.." and advises her to get the perve in a bedroom and find out "what's really there". I'm guessing not much. She bends down to adjust her new sandal to draw the ladies' attention to it, and Carrie gasps and asks her where those gorgeous shoes came from. Charlotte sheepishly says she got them for free 'cause the shoe salesman wanted her to have them...and when Carrie looks at her skeptically, Charlotte admits the embarrassing truth about bartering foot rubs for expensive shoes. Charlotte, who now feels icky about accepting free shoes in exchange for foot rubs, returns to the store and tells Buster she can't, in good conscience, keep the expensive sandals. Buster glances at the soles of the shoes and says she's already worn them on the street - therefore, he can't take them back...and will probably just throw them away. Charlotte pleads with him not to, then whines about how she can't afford to buy them. Buster offers a trade: if she tries on the store's latest arrivals and lets him fondle her feet and then sniff the shoes after she's worn them, she can keep the expensive sandals. Charlotte mulls that over and decides she's A-OK with that...even though she had seemed unsettled by the free shoe/foot rub arrangement fifteen seconds earlier.
Carrie makes a dramatic arrival at Big's apartment clutching a bag of shitty McDonald's food and wearing a black beret on her head. She explains that Le Big Mac is her way of apologizing for her drunken lunacy during their recent phone call. She says she's totes fine with them carrying on a long distance relationship...then suggests she might move to Paris with him and write her shittastic column from there! Big looks aghast at the prospect, then shrugs indifferently and tells her not to expect anything if she uproots her entire life by moving to Paris. Ouch. Carrie finally gets a clue, then becomes so enraged that she whips the McDonald's bag at the kitchen wall where the TV is mounted, and screams, "I am such an idiot!" Haha...ya think?! Big glares over at his TV, which is now spattered with junk food, and barks, "What the fuck?!" Carrie starts bitching about how she's been running all over town with a fugly black beret on her head, getting Big Macs to go...yet he doesn't seem to give a rat's ass about whether or not she's in his life. (Yep - I'm definitely getting that sense too.) Big urges her to calm down and reminds her that he's being sent to Paris for work related reasons - but she refuses to acknowledge that and accuses him of being so freaked out by their relationship that he has to put an ocean between them. She pouts for a few seconds, then squeaks, "Why is it so hard for you to factor me into your life in any real way?" and he mutters, "Old habits die hard." She tells him she can't do this anymore...and when he weakly (like, really weakly) professes his love for her, she cries, "Then why does it hurt so fucking much?!" and storms out.
Carrie shuffles home in tears, berating herself for tying herself to a man who was terrified of being tied down. Stanford, meanwhile, enters a gay club that has a strict "underwear only" policy. Er...OK. Miranda and Jack are going at it at his place - and as Miranda starts to moan in pleasure, a woman knocks on the door and asks if everything is OK. When Miranda's all, "Wuh?", Jack explains that his parents are in town and staying at his apartment. Miranda tells him she's worried they're going to walk in on them...and Jack's like, "Fingers crossed 'cause nothing would make me hornier" and a few seconds later, his parents barge into the room and just stand in the doorway, mutely watching their son thrust in and out of Miranda. Stanford scans the underwear clad men in the gay bar, trying to guess which of them might be Bigtool4u. When an attractive young man eyes him and then walks over and compliments his underwear, Stanford goes, "Bigtool4u..?" The guy scrunches his face in confusion, so Stanford hastily asks, "Another beer for you?" Heh. Carrie is lying in bed looking miserable when Big drops by for one last romp. In the next scene, she's sitting in her chair near the window, voice-overing in her most contemplatively-sad voice, "After we made love, I knew it was over." Big wakes up and asks her what she's doing way over there, and she turns around to face him and solemnly retorts, "Go to Paris. I'm not going to come. Let's not pretend we're something we're not." Big represses the urge to cheerily high-five himself, and wisely beats a hasty retreat. Carrie glumly stares down at him from her window...and when he looks up at her, he smiles, then happily skips home. LOL. Carrie sighs, credits herself for untying herself from Big, then sums up the breakup by declaring, "But there was nothing exquisite about it." Well...maybe not from your end. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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