Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how much she looooves spring, and that while it's easy to say, "I love you, New York" it's not so easy to say, "I love you, Mr. Big". The first time she realized she loved Mr. Big was over toast and coffee one morning...and we see them eating in his kitchen while Carrie stares over at him, grinning like an idiot. Big gets weirded out by her maniacal staring and goes, "What..?" and she pretends she's just staring at the crumbs that are stuck on his lip. In the next scene, Big and Carrie are on their way home from the ballet, and Big is whining about how much he hates ballet and that he suspects the dancers of using wires. Carrie flashes him another idiotic grin and says, "I love - " then musses up his hair and squeals, "Your hair like that!"
Mr. Big stops by Carrie's apartment to pick her up for dinner. As she peruses her closet for a pair of shoes, he hands her a gift bag and says, "I saw it and thought of you." Inside the bag is a glittery purse in the shape of a duck, which she hates on sight and whiningly voice-overs was "just wrong" - then suddenly decides it's the perfect time to blurt out, "I love you!" Uh boy..
At brunch the next day, Samantha chides Carrie for throwing out the first 'I love you' just 'cause Big gave her a fugly duck purse. Carrie, who's looking suitably mortified, says that Big reacted to her declaration by looking stunned and icked out as he mumbled, "You're welcome." He then kissed the top of her nose and beat a hasty retreat...and ever since that awkward exchange, they've both been pretending the 'I love you' never happened. As well they should. Carrie says she's either going to have to rescind the 'I love you' or dump Mr. Big...and Samantha clucks sympathetically and pronounces, "Telling a man 'I love you' means you may never see him again." Miranda, who's uncharacteristically chipper now that she's getting regularly boned by Steve, wonders aloud if perhaps Mr. Big is just trying to find his own way to reciprocate his feelings of love for Carrie. The other gals are like, "Mmm...no" and make it clear they don't believe that could be within the realm of possibility.
Miranda and Steve are out for pizza because it's the only type of eatery Steve can afford. As the two chow down on greasy slices, Miranda invites Steve to an annual dinner thing at her law firm...which she admits will be boring but fancy, so he'll need to wear a suit. Steve says he already has a suit: a gold colored corduroy number. Miranda gasps in horror and repeats, "Gold? Corduroy?" and when Steve non-jokingly asks her what's wrong with gold corduroy, she tells him she doesn't have enough time to explain how horrific it would be if he showed up at her law firm's dinner wearing gold corduroy. In the next scene, the two stop by his tiny dungeon-like apartment, which Miranda calls sweet while glancing around with utter disdain. Steve says he knows it's a scary shithole - but it's cheap and close to the bar. He promises her they never have to come here again...and the two hug while Miranda stares over at the offending gold corduroy suit that's hanging from the closet door.
The gals are sitting next to each other, getting pedicures from Asian women and gabbling about Steve. Charlotte tries to comfort Miranda by telling her that lots of talented artists start out by working as bartenders before they earn decent cash, and Miranda tells her that Steve is not an artist/bartender...he's happy just being a bartender and has no aspirations beyond serving drinks. Samantha asks how he is in bed, and Miranda gets all dreamy-faced, sighs, and says, "There are no words." Samantha nods approvingly and says, "Sounds like a dream relationship to me" and Carrie cackles and quips, "He can make you come and then make you a cosmopolitan." Charlotte scrunches her face disapprovingly and chides Miranda for getting serious about a guy "whose future is based on tips". Carrie's all, "Wha-a?" and points out that rich men date horsey-faced, not-so-rich women all the time...e.g. her and Big. Charlotte says it's much more acceptable for the man to make more money - but Miranda insists that none of this matters to her, and she doesn't want it to matter to Steve. Charlotte reminds her that Steve is a member of society's downtrodden "working class"...then subtly motions toward the four Asian women who are meticulously polishing the Sex and the City gals' toenails. The gals look sheepishly at each other and thank the women for doing a good job. Apropos of the American class system, Samantha remarks that she's currently doinking a man who's so rich he has a full time servant.
Samantha's latest hookup is a milquetoasty dud named Harvey Terkell, who made his fortune in real estate and employs an annoyingly subservient Asian servant named Sum. That night, Sum serves them dinner, bows her head, and fawningly addresses her boss as Mistah Hawwvee. Harvey gushes to Samantha about what a fantastic cook Sum is and says he couldn't live without her.
Carrie's in her apartment, tapping out the latest installment of her shittastic column. This week she ponders whether New York is really so different from New Delhi [it is], and asks herself if the American class system has been replaced by the Indian caste system [no...it hasn't] then runs with that dumb notion as she types: "And if so, can we date outside our caste?"
Two days after the embarrassingly un-reciprocated 'I love you', Big and Carrie go out for a romantic dinner. As they sip on Tuscan wine, Big tells her he once rented a house in Tuscany with his ex-wife...and that he always wanted to go back with someone he actually likes. He then puts his serious face on and says he's been meaning to tell her something since the night he gave her the fugly duck purse...and by something he means she can return it if she doesn't like it. A deflated looking Carrie puffs away on her cigarette and scowls across the table at him while voice-overing, "I wanted to tell Big: I hate you."
Charlotte goes all groupie gaga when she notices actor Wylie Ford swagger into her gallery. She quickly gets off the phone, ditches her eyeglasses, and rushes over to where he's examining the fire extinguisher as though it's a rare artifact. He asks her how much it is, so she gently informs him that it's an actual fire extinguisher in case the gallery goes up in flames...and Wylie chuckles and says, "I guess I'm a total idiot." Well, d'yuh. Charlotte giggles and pretends that people make that mistake all the time, then jokes that he's welcome to take the extinguisher and tell people it's a Jeff Koons. Wylie brazenly checks her out, clearly likes what he sees, and asks her if she'd like to close up the gallery early so they can go somewhere for a meaningless romp.
In the next scene, Charlotte and Wylie are driving around in his limo, making out. He coos, "Oooh Charlene, you're so hot. I can't wait to get you to bed." When she tells him her name's Charlotte not Charlene, he says he prefers Charlene, and she moans, "OK" and continues kissing him. Wylie orders the limo driver to pull over and tells Charlotte to sit tight while he takes a leak in the alley...and Charlotte takes the opportunity to call Carrie and inform her that she's - OMG! - in Wylie Ford's limo, waiting for him to finish urinating. She gushes, "Isn't it cute?!" but Carrie fails to see the cuteness in public urination and urges her to get out of there immediately. Charlotte ignores that advice and says her "rules" went right out the window, then marvels, "It's like he wants me and I have to obey." When she notices that Wylie is zipping up and heading back toward the limo, she abruptly ends the call and the two resume their amorous foreplay.
After a morning doink, Harvey tells Samantha to stay in bed as long as she likes...and that whenever she decides to get up, Sum will make her some breakfast. In the hall, Harvey tells Sum to take good care of Samantha, and she obediently nods and says in her weird, halting fashion, "Bye bye, Mistah Hawwvee." As soon as he's out of earshot, Sum storms into the bedroom and barks at Samantha, "OK, lazy bones! Out of bed!" and starts grabbing at the pillows and sheets. A bewildered Samantha asks Sum if she'll be eating her breakfast in the dining room, but Sum just stares at her incredulously and says she's going to be too busy washing her soiled sheets to cook breakfast. Samantha looks put out as she gets out of bed, throws on her scanty-wear, and beats a hasty retreat.
Miranda takes Steve to a fancy boutique to go shopping for a new suit. He tries on one he really likes, and Miranda beams at how dapper he looks and says they should definitely take it. Steve glances at the $1,800 price tag and gasps, but Miranda tells him not to worry 'cause it's her treat, which makes total sense since the only reason he's getting it is 'cause she invited him to her to her firm's fancy party. Steve nixes that idea 'cause it somehow threatens his masculinity, and the two head over to the sales desk, where Miranda insists again on letting her pay for it. When the sales clerk informs Steve his credit card was denied, he gets testy while scraping $1,800 together with a combination of a different credit card, a personal check, and cash.
On Saturday night, Mr. Big takes Carrie to a cocktail party on the upper east side. When they enter the swanky apartment, Carrie rolls her eyes and grumbles, "God I hate Park Avenue" and notices with dismay that all the women in attendance have glittery purses in the shape of animals or fruit (much like her duck purse)...and she interprets this to mean that Big has absolutely no idea who she is. A manservant walks over and politely asks Carrie and Big what they'd like to drink - and when Carrie orders red wine, he tells her that the hostess doesn't like to serve brown colored food or drink. Carrie chews on that for a few seconds and orders a vodka on the rocks, then laughs to Big about how the no brown food/drink is "a mutant strain of upper east side anal". Big agrees that the hostess, a friend of his named Serena, is a little strange - but insists she's mostly OK. Carrie argues that Serena is clearly trying to cultivate an eccentric personality so that people won't notice she's devoid of one, and Big chides her for her judgey bitchitude. Carrie lights up a cigarette and haughtily insists she's just being herself...and a few seconds later, Serena - a well tended, middle aged socialite - glides over to greet Mr. Big and tells Carrie she's going to have to take her nasty cigarette out to the terrace.
Charlotte is out partying with Wylie and his dead-eyed entourage. She looks stunned when they pass around a joint, and asks Wylie when pot became legal in restaurants. Wylie smirks and says, "It didn't" and offers her a toke. She prudishly says she doesn't smoke pot, so Wylie takes a deep drag and smooches her with his pot filled breath. When they come up for air, Charlotte starts hacking while the entourage heartily laughs.
Samantha is having dinner with Harvey while Sum looms over them, doing her best to look as subservient as possible. When she briefly disappears into the kitchen, Samantha tells Harvey that Sum was very rude to her this morning and practically thew her out of bed. Harvey breezily says she must have misunderstood and reminds her that Sum's English isn't all that great. Sum re-enters the dining room and smirks at Samantha as she offers her some asparagus...and suddenly, Samantha realizes that "she wasn't so dim, that Sum".
Carrie is puffing away on the terrace when an old friend, Jeremiah, appears out of nowhere. She voice-overs that Jeremiah is a performance artist/caterer flunky with whom she's had a mild flirtation over the years. Jeremiah makes an ew face and asks Carrie if she's friends with "these people", and she rolls her eyes and says, "God no" and the two laugh about the no brown food/drink edict. He asks her if she'd like to check out his new tattoo, which starts on his stomach and stretches down to his nether regions...and naturally she says she'd love to. Jeremiah unzips his pants while Carrie kneels down to check it out, unaware/unconcerned that from a short distance, it looks as though she's giving him a blow job. Cue Serena, who happens to step onto the terrace at that very moment, looks aghast at what she thinks she's witnessing, clears her throat and goes, "Excuse me..?" and then rejoins the party. Carrie murmurs, "Shit.." and rushes inside where she finds Serena tattling to Big about the alleged blow job...and Big is staring over at Carrie with a mixture of shock and incredulity. He asks her if she was really giving the caterer a blow job, and Carrie refuses to answer and calls his question offensive. He just shakes his head and tells her to stop whatever she's doing 'cause it's embarrassing him, so she snarks, "Maybe if you'd joined me on the terrace like a gentleman, we wouldn't be standing here having this conversation." By this time, Big has had enough of her boorish shit and says he wants to leave, but Carrie refuses and petulantly snaps, "You go. I'm having a good time." Go, Big, go! Run, Big, run!
On the night of the annual dinner at Miranda's firm, Steve arrives at her apartment dressed in his usual t-shirt and jeans. He tells her he returned the suit 'cause he couldn't afford it...and that she needs to be with a guy who's more on her level. A stricken looking Miranda mutters, "Fuck the suit", but Steve says if they stay together there will always be things that are out of his reach. Plus, she can be unbearably cunty, even at the best of times. Miranda accuses him of punishing her for being successful in life, then bitterly says, "Thanks for the info and for standing me up" and slams the door in his face.
In the next scene, Miranda is at her firm's party, mingling with her colleagues and glumly staring into space.
Charlotte, meanwhile, is continuing to party with Wylie and his cronies. Wylie decides to amuse himself by ordering Charlotte to go to the ladies room, stick a finger in her honey pot, then come back to the table so he can smell it. Charlotte's all, "Wha-a?" as his lewd request finally knocks some sense into her. She scrunches her face with distaste, says, "I don't think so", and leaves the table.
Carrie and Jeremiah are weaving drunkenly down the street as she sings "Jeremiah was a bullfrog.." Jeremiah laughs about getting fired from his catering job (which I'm sure he can ill afford), and the two slobber over each other on the street while Carrie steers him toward her brownstone.
After Samantha and Harvey finish yet another doink, Harvey heads into the bathroom to take a shower. Sum bursts into the room and looks aghast when she finds Samantha afterglowing with a condom wrapper nearby. She calls her "a cock-sucking whore", and tries to pull the sheets away from her. Samantha wrestles with her as she struggles to keep the sheets on the bed...and then Sum pretends to be knocked off of her feet just as Harvey bursts in and asks whassup. Sum tearfully tells him she was just trying to strip the bed when Samantha cruelly struck her, and Samantha rolls her eyes and goes, "Oh come on!" Harvey tenderly comforts Sum as he glares at Samantha and snarls, "How dare you treat Sum that way." Samantha tries to explain what actually happened, but Harvey refuses to listen and continues to hug Sum, who smugly smirks at Samantha. Samantha throws in the towel and wryly concludes that there was only room for one woman in Mistah Hawwvee's life.
Carrie is roused awake when the phone rings. It's Big, calling to tell her he knows why she's been acting so pissy lately...but that returning her 'I love you' has to be done on his own time. After a few seconds, he blurts out, "I fucking love you, all right?"...and the camera pans out a bit and we see that Jeremiah is laying on the bed next to Carrie. He starts to stir and mutter something, but Carrie quickly covers his mouth. Big tells her that saying 'I love you' is a tough thing to say 'cause it gets him into trouble, and Carrie assures him that things between them are great, and promises to call him later. After she hangs up, she asks Jeremiah if they doinked, then breathes a sigh of relief when he says, "Definitely not."
Carrie voice-overs, "I felt like I was the lowest of the low" [you are, Carrie] but figures that whatever happens before the guy says 'I love you' doesn't count. Which is some pretty fucked up logic...not that Carrie, in general, tends to score high on the fidelity meter.