Sex and the City - Season 2, Episode 5

"John John...Leonardo...is that you?"

"Four Women and a Funeral"
Original airdate: 7/4/1999

Episode summary: Charlotte has high hopes when she meets a handsome widower at a cemetery, but he turns out to be a philandering douchebag. Miranda starts having panic attacks after buying an apartment. Samantha is cast out from high society after groping a married man.

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Recap: According to Carrie, there are only ever two occasions on which a woman should be wearing a little black dress during daylight hours:

1. When she's left a party way too late
2. When she's attending a funeral

The camera pans over to a local newspaper that's laying around in her apartment, whose headline reads: Javier, Designer, Dead at 34. Carrie explains that Javier was a Cuban designer who died of a heroin overdose. Samantha arrives at her apartment dressed in a pale blue dress (one of Javier's designs) and a big floppy hat. When Carrie chides her for not wearing something in black or more somber, Samantha retorts, "I have to look fabulous! Everyone is going to be there." Charlotte arrives a few minutes later to accompany them to the funeral, and she's dressed in black. She gives Samantha a disapproving once-over and says, "That dress is really inappropriate."

A surprised Carrie reports that nearly everyone in attendance at the funeral is decked out in colorful outfits, essentially showcasing Javier's new spring line. Charlotte is now self-conscious in her frumpy black dress and asks Samantha to lend her her big floppy hat, which she reluctantly hands over. The woman giving the eulogy is Javier's sister Josefina - who, according to Carrie "went from ugly to hot" now that she's running her late brother's fashion house. Carrie voice-overs, "Death definitely became her" then lights up a cigarette and starts puffing away. Charlotte shoots her the stink-eye for polluting the air for everyone around her, but Carrie breezily says, "Javier would have wanted it that way." When Josefina announces the imminent launch of a new charity, Javier's House, which will help people with substance abuse problems, Samantha clutches her heart and pretends to be moved by the philanthropic gesture. She tells Carrie she's going to volunteer to help fundraise, then exclaims, "The client list will be great! I'll have every unlisted 212 number in Manhattan!" The big floppy hat that Charlotte is wearing suddenly blows off of her head, and she chases after it and ends up standing in front of a man (named Ned) who's visiting his late wife's grave. He picks up the hat and solemnly hands it to Charlotte, then points at his wife's headstone and sadly says, "She loved hats." Charlotte, who's clearly already getting ideas about the handsome, well groomed stranger, asks him if he has any children, and doesn't attempt to hide her relief when he shakes his head and goes, "Nope." 

"Can I assume that that headstone means you're currently single and available?"

"Single, available, and a philandering douchebag. Nice to meet you."

Later, in the cab, Charlotte tells Carrie and Samantha that she and Ned are getting together for drinks...and that he works on the same block as her gallery. Carrie's all, "Wha-a?! You picked up a man at a cemetery?!" and Charlotte grins and gushes about how handsome he is and that he went to Princeton. Samantha warns her she'll never be able to live up to his dead wife, but Charlotte argues that going through so much grief has made Ned incredibly sensitive and in touch with his emotions, then dreamily adds, "It's kind of romantic." Charlotte points out that since Ned's been married, it's proof he can commit - but Samantha advises her to date a divorced guy, 'cause that too proves he can commit...and everyone's still alive. Carrie puffs on her cigarette and invokes Mr. Big (fuuuuuuuck!!) when she says that marriage merely convinced him how much he hated committing. Charlotte reminds her that she broke up with him, and to shut her fucking trap about him for once and for all. [OK, that last part was me, unable to repress how much I fucking hate the 'will they/won't they?' type of relationship TV writers seem to love regularly boring viewers with.]  

Miranda is looking at an apartment she's interested in purchasing. The female realtor goes, "So...it's just you?" and Miranda curtly replies, "Yup. Just me." The realtor remarks that it's much too big of place for just her - which is stupid, since I'm sure she works on commission - and Miranda jokes that she has lots of shoes. The realtor looks hopeful and says, "Maybe the boyfriend will move in?" and Miranda says she doesn't have a boyfriend. The realtor perks up at that and says she has a son who owns his own business, then pulls out a photo of him from her wallet - but Miranda refuses to even look at it and says, "No thanks." She then glances around the living room and announces, "I'll take it!"

Carrie's lounging around her apartment, puffing on a cigarette and contemplating her dismal future. She wonders how much time she has left, then thinks about all the things she hasn't yet done: travel to Greece, finish painting her bathroom, paying off her Visa card. She laments, "Sometimes I felt like I was barely living." Her melancholy mood prompts her to phone Big (fuuuuuuuck!!) and report to him that she just got home from a funeral. She asks him if he'd like to get together for dinner some time, and he accepts her invitation and suggests they eat at Robertos on Saturday night.

Samantha is doing her best to convince to convince Richard Cranwell, a senior partner at Bear Stearns, to join the board of the Javier House. When he compliments her "beauty", she smiles and seductively purrs, "Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Cranwell." He tells her to call him Dick (subtle, show), then suggests discussing the Javier House over dinner. She coos, "That could be arranged" and he leans in for a kiss and then mounts her. A few seconds later, his wife (Sandy) enters the room, glares (mostly at Samantha), and snaps, "Get. Out." Samantha hastily slinks out of the room, while Richard just shrugs and grins awkwardly at his wife as though he had absolutely nothing to do with climbing atop another woman in their living room seconds earlier.

"So...what kind of perks do I get if I agree to be on the board of this charity?"

"Unfettered access to my cootch."

Miranda is in a meeting with her mortgage officer, closing the deal on her new apartment. As they go over the paperwork, the officer says, "So...just you?" and Miranda grits her teeth and replies, "Yeah...just me." He hands her a document and instructs her to check the single woman box, then stupidly asks, "And the down payment's coming from your father?" She glares at him and says, "No...just me" and refrains from reminding him that she's a wealthy lawyer with a full time job who's more than capable of making mortgage payments. 

Later, the gals are out for lunch at a fancy restaurant, discussing the sexism Miranda just endured. She says if she were a single man, none of this would be happening...and that even though she has lots of money and a great job, she still gets, "It's just....you??" Carrie's theory is that the mortgage officer is threatened [yes Carrie, that has to be it], then adds, "Buying a place alone means you don't need a man." Miranda flatly declares, "I don't." Charlotte looks troubled by the staunchly feminist declaration and argues, "Everyone needs a man. That's why I rent. If you own and he rents, then the power structure is all off. It's emasculating. Men don't want women who are too self-sufficient." Samantha makes a face and jokes, "Did someone just order a Victorian straight up?" just as the waitress comes over to snarkishly inform her that her credit card isn't accepting. Samantha says that's not possible and urges her to try it again, so the waitress snootily says, "Let me make myself clear. Your card and you are not accepted here." Carrie voice-overs, "Samantha had messed with the wrong woman" and explains that Sandy Cranwell practically owned Manhattan - including restaurant waitresses, apparently - and had put out a "social hit" on Samantha, causing her to go "from A-list to blacklist". Please. I have a hard time believing that Ms. Slutty Pants could ever be considered "A-list" among Manhattan's elite.

"In order to attract a man, it's important to present yourself as a docile, financially dependent damsel who needs rescuing."

"I'd throw this cup at you if I weren't so desperately lonely and didn't secretly agree with everything you just said."

The next evening, Charlotte meets Ned the Widower for drinks. When he pulls out his wallet to pay for the drinks, Charlotte spots a photo of his late wife and exclaims, "Oooh, she was so pretty." Ned says it's awkward talking about Liz while on a date with another woman and invites her to leave with him. In the next scene, the two are strolling along the street together. He tears up and apologizes for the emotional reaction to his late wife's photo, then bursts into tears. Charlotte offers him a tissue, looks impressed with his emotional outburst, and tells him to take as much time as he needs. He leans in for a hug, a kiss, and soon the two are making out in earnest. Forty-five minutes later, they're having sex at his apartment under the watchful eyes of Liz's framed photo on the nightstand.  

Miranda warns Charlotte that Ned is on the rebound - but Charlotte argues that their hookup can't be considered a rebound if the other person is dead. She insists she's helping him get over his wife, and Miranda sighs and derisively says, "This guy has project written all over him." Carrie asks how the sex was, and Charlotte dreamily replies, "It was amazing" and adds that she strongly felt Liz was looking over them, giving her blessing...and Carrie cackles and calls it "a threesome in absentia". Charlotte recalls how the big floppy hat she was wearing at the cemetery flew directly in front of Liz's headstone, and she's chosen to interpret this as a message to her and Ned. She then says that Ned has invited her to a memorial service at Liz's grave next week, and she's chosen to interpret that as a sign he's ready to move on.

As Carrie primps for her date with Mr. Big, she feels a wide range of emotions: fear, happiness dread. She asks, "Was I ready to jump back into a life with Big in it? Was seeing him again a huge mistake?" As she puffs on her cigarette, she voice-overs that she's never felt so confused, and wonders if Charlotte was right: "In a world where everyone's dying to make a connection, can a relationship bring you back to life?" For some reason, she opted not to type that question/pronouncement/pearl of wisdom on her laptop. Maybe she finished her column for the week.
 
Carrie prattles about the afterlife, which Big says he's never really thought much about. Carrie says she believes in reincarnation, so Big asks her who she's coming back as, and she leans in and sassily whispers, "Someone who knows better." She asks him if he believes in heaven, and he says he envisions heaven as a big welcoming bed, which appalls Carrie, and she declares, "I'm not sleeping with you tonight." Big shrugs and says, "I know. We're just having dinner"...but half an hour later, the two are rubbing up against each other at his front door. Carrie moans, "We can't do this" and says she has to go...then scampers off. As she walks home alone, puffing on her stupid cigarette, she decides that going on a date with Big had been a bad idea.

Samantha is having problems getting into clubs and restaurants because of her sordid history of whoring around with wealthy women's husbands. Bwahahaha!

Miranda is at her new apartment, taking measurements, when she meets one of her new neighbors. The neighbor, an elderly woman, gushes about how great it is to have a young person in the building who's sure to bring life to the place. She then puts her sad face on and says, "Ruthie kept to herself. Never married...died in there." She then explains that Ruthie, the previous occupant of Miranda's apartment, passed away and wasn't discovered for a week...and during that time, her cat ate half of her face. Shame shame. I guess that's what you get for being old and single.

In the next scene, Miranda overfeeds her cat with kibble (har har), then eats some Chinese takeout. As she's noshing, something gets lodged in her throat, and she wanders around, choking, until she barrels into a stack of moving boxes, causing whatever she was choking on to dislodge itself and pop out of her mouth. She immediately grabs the phone and calls Carrie, but Carrie's not answering 'cause she's screening for Mr. Big like the overdramatic baby she is. When Miranda starts to leave her a panic-filled message, Carrie snatches up the phone and asks whassup. Miranda tells her she almost choked to death, then cries, "I'm going to die alone, Carrie!" Carrie half-heartedly assures her she won't, then offers to come over, but Miranda declines and says she'll call her tomorrow.

After a week of being the social pariah she totally deserves to be, Samantha decided to go to the top of New York's social food chain: the queen of the 'ladies who lunch', Shippy Shipman. Shippy studies the skank sitting across from her with a mixture of disdain and amusement and says, "I know you from somewhere." Samantha suggests perhaps she's seen her at the Javier Foundation, but Shippy murmurs, "No...that's not it" then pretends to suddenly remember how she knows her and unleashes this delightful zinger: "I believe you're the whore who once groped my husband at a Whitney benefit." Bwahahaha! Samantha uncomfortably replies, "I don't really remember" then has the nerve to ask Shippy if she could speak to Sandy Cranwell about calling off the social hit. Shippy pretends to mull that over and says, "I think you've made your own bed and you need to lie in it. And you're good at that, aren't you, Samantha?" Samantha angrily blurts out, "What do you want me to say? That I'm a whore? That I've slept with every man in New York and some in Brooklyn?" She admits she has, then wails, "OK. I'm a big whore! Now will you help me?" Shippy gives her a tight smile and replies, "I don't think so" so Samantha gets up and heads to the door, then bitchily informs Shippy that she only groped her husband's flat ass 'cause she was drunk. Classy as always, Samantha.

"OK, fine. I'm a skanky whore who has no common decency or compunction about fucking anything that moves, whether he be married or not."

"Yes. And..?"

As Miranda wanders around her new neighborhood, she suddenly feels faint and discombobulated and nearly gets hit by a cab. She manages to catch the next one that comes along without getting run over and heads straight to the nearest hospital. A $500 exam later (does her law firm offer no health insurance?), she learns she suffered a panic attack. Carrie rushes over to the hospital to see whassup, and Miranda nonsensically tells her that at her funeral, she'll probably only have half a face. Carrie orders her to breathe, and Miranda whimpers, "I'm all alone, Carrie." [So much for her "I don't need a man" pronouncement from a few scenes ago.] She natters about how her emergency contact people are her parents who live in Pennsylvania, and she doesn't even like them. Carrie offers to be her local emergency contact person, but Miranda wails, "You screen!" so Carrie promises she'll always pick up. She tells Miranda she did the right thing buying her apartment, and assures her she won't be alone forever...but as she wraps a comforting arm around Miranda, she voice-overs, "The truth was, I didn't know if any of us would end up alone."

"I'm so full of shit, Carrie! Despite my insistence in every episode that I'm a financially independent woman who doesn't need a man, I desperately need a man in my life."

"Who are we kidding? All four of us Sex and the City gals are full of shit...and we should stop pretending we're not all desperate for a man to complete us."

Charlotte arrives the cemetery carrying a beautiful bouquet of lilies. As she greets Ned, two attractive women carrying flowers also arrive and start walking over. Charlotte stares at them in puzzlement and says to Ned, "Please tell me they're your sisters." Ned smiles goofily and rejoins, "I don't have sisters" and happily waves at the two women. Charlotte is so appalled by his brazen womanizing that she repeatedly hits him with her flowers and storms off.

Samantha has hit rock bottom, otherwise known as the Javier House. Unable to raise money and get anyone to return her calls, she decided to work on the construction site, transporting loads of dirt with a wheelbarrow. After six hours of hard labor, Samantha experienced her own rebirth in the form of Leonardo DiCaprio (note: "Leonardo" is a glowy blob that the writers originally intended to be John F. Kennedy, Jr. - but then he tragically died after the episode first aired) extending his hand to her. On that day, Samantha and Leonardo became fast friends, and somehow their friendship convinced the ladies who lunch to stop shunning the shameless tramp.  

Miranda's mortgage officer made an error on her mortgage application by accidentally labeling her as separated instead of single. (Is this a real thing on a mortgage application?) The officer's error meant that Miranda had to write a humiliating letter stating, I am single. Egads! She can barely bring herself to type the words, but then realized she had a choice: panic or just type up the damn thing and move on with her life. She opts to type the letter, then toasts her laptop with a mug of coffee. As she unpacks her stuff, she finds a framed photo of her and the gals...and realized that she probably wouldn't die alone, but continued to overfeed her cat, just in case. I wonder if the overfeeding has anything to do with his eventual name: Fatty.

Mr. Big appears at Carrie's apartment, worried that she was laying in a ditch somewhere instead of rudely ignoring his phone calls. When she answers the door, he glares at her, says, "Good. You're alive" and turns to leave. Carrie urges him to wait, then apologizes for being such a rude turd. She then announces, "We're going out"...and the two end up at the most non-sexual place she can think of: a bowling lane. As Big jokes about wearing rented two tone shoes, Carrie giggles obnoxiously. When Big bowls a strike and wins the game, she bleats, "Two out of three!" They start to kiss, and Carrie voice-overs, "We didn't make it to the second game" 'cause apparently they rushed over to his place to have sex. She happily announces, "Big and I had been reincarnated, and I had never felt more alive." Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!