Recap: Carrie and Aidan are smooching in her doorway, and - OMFG - she's wearing a micro-mini with a wide slit up the side, giving Aidan barrier-free access to her bare buttocks. She voice-overs about how, after four dates, she's waited long enough to hit the sheets...but when she saucily asks Aidan if he wants to sleep over, he's like, "Nah. I have to feed Pete and get up early." Bwahaha! He then kisses her forehead and ambles off, leaving her staring after him in puzzlement. A horny looking guy knocks on Samantha's door...and when she answers it, she strips off her robe and pulls him inside. The next morning on her way to work, she notices a group of elderly tenants gathered around the doorman's desk...and when she asks whassup, they tell her that one of their tenant friends - an elderly woman - was robbed early this morning. Samantha asks how the perp got in, and haughtily adds, "This is supposed to be a safe building." A police officer plays the surveillance footage, and it looks like the gunman entered the building right behind the man who boned Samantha. She's all, "Ack!", murmurs, "That's terrible..", and inches away. One of the women snaps, "Who has a guest at two in the morning?!" and Samantha wisely flees before anyone can deduce that the 2:00am guest couldn't have been anyone else's but hers. During brunch, Miranda asks everyone what they did last night...and no one answers, except Charlotte who grumbles, "I don't want to talk about it" which is code for we're about to hear all about it. Apparently, Charlotte is currently bumping uglies with an investment banker...and the sex is great and all, except for one troubling thing. She stammers that when he...then makes a vague hand gesture, so Samantha fills in the blanks: "Came, orgasmed, shot his wad" and we get a flashback of the climaxing investment banker atop Charlotte shrieking, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" The gals point out that he blurted this out in mid-come, but Charlotte doesn't look comforted and wails, "Do you think I'm a whore?!" Samantha chuckles, "Oh please. If you're a whore, what does that make me?" and Carrie and Miranda avoid eye contact and somehow refrain from blurting out, "A mega, uber, jumbo, mammoth, gargantuan, stage four whore!" Charlotte miserably moans, "No one wants to marry a whore" and Carrie abruptly changes the subject to herself and complains about how she and Aidan are still not hitting the sheets. She says he keeps asking her out and smooching her goodnight...but for some unfathomable reason, he doesn't seem interested in going to bed with her. Samantha wonders aloud if he's gay or has a dick with a curve, and Miranda says perhaps he has mother issues. Samantha warns Carrie not to wait too long to mount his schlong, 'cause the relationship window could permanently close any day now. Carrie and Aidan end another date with a long smoochfest at her door. She invites him inside...and when he says he'd better run along home, she snarkily mutters, "Yeah yeah" and storms inside. He knocks on the door and asks whassup with her bitchitude, so she asks him if he's only interested in being friends. He asks her if she smooches her friends like that, so she comes right out and asks him if he has any desire to bone her. He replies, "I do. Look at you" - ugh - then says he has a history of doinking women too early, as is evidenced by his still single status. He says it's his "new thing" to only sleep with women he truly cares about, and he thinks he might possibly be able to care about her. He then reminds her that they've only been going out for a week and a half, and bewilderedly asks, "Don't people date anymore?!" People do; the Sex and the City gigolas do not. Carrie can't help but wonder why she expected to sleep with Aidan after only a week and a half. Had she become so slutty - I mean jaded that she couldn't even recognize romance anymore? She writes the word romance onto a post-it and slaps it onto her laptop screen. Carrie and Miranda are ambling through Central Park together...and Carrie is gabbling about how it simply didn't occur to her that Aidan was romancing her. She calls it depressing, and Miranda pulls a Carrie and goes, "Speaking of depressing, let's talk about me now" and reports that her gynaecologist just informed her she has chlamydia. And since she's been indulging in one meaningless hookup after another (prior to her re-hookup with Steve), she hasn't the faintest clue who might have given her the STD. She complains about how judgey the doctor was about her slutty lifestyle when she advised her to inform all the men she's slept with lately, so they can all get tested. Well d'yuh, Miranda. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to doink a legion of men...but since you went ahead and did, they all do need to get tested now. Carrie returns to her apartment to hammer out this week's instalment of her shittastic column. While voice-overing, she challenges viewers to ponder her scuzzy lifestyle choices: if you're a thirty-something skank living in Manhattan who enjoys whoring around with every available man in your orbit, how many notches on your bedpost is too many? As she chews on the gravity of the issue that she and her friends are wrestling with in this episode, she taps out on her computer: Are we simply romantically challenged? Or are we sluts?" Dunno and yes. Charlotte is out to dinner with her investment banker beau, and he remarks on how quiet she is this evening. She tells him her mind is somewhere else, then has a flashback of him calling her a fucking bitch! a fucking whore! She decides to speak up and tells him she's bothered by what he said to her the other night...and he's all, "Wuh?" and wracks his brain to figure out what she's referring to. When it's clear he has no memory of blurting out insulting expletives at her while blowing his wad, Charlotte drops the issue and breezily says, "Never mind! It's not important!" Later...the two hit the sheets, and once again he blurts out, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" - but this time Charlotte doesn't let it go and snaps, "That! That's what you said!" Once again he looks puzzled, so she repeats it back to him and he's like, "OMG! Are you sure?" and says it's a terrible thing to have said. He explains that he gets so lost in the ecstasy of the moment that he has no idea what is coming out of his mouth, and assures her that he thinks she's sweet, smart, lovely and kind...in fact, the kind of woman he hopes to marry one day. Squeal! He then promises her, from this point forward, to do his best to avoid blurting insulting expletives whenever he climaxes inside of her. Steve wants to get it on with Miranda, but she shoves him away and goes, "Can we not?" and informs him that she has chlamydia. He says he has no idea what that is - but it sounds like a major problem. She explains [to her very kind, but somewhat dimwitted boyfriend] that it's an STD, and that he should probably get himself tested. In the next scene, a humorless Asian doctor orders Steve to drop his pants so he can get a sample from inside his penis...and Steve stares back at him in horror. Miranda is sitting at her coffee table, writing up an All the Men I Recently Fucked list and - holy crap! - the list is so long she's had to split the page into two columns. I can't even fathom how many columns Samantha's list would need to have. Samantha steps onto the elevator of her building with one of the tenants. She shoots Samantha the stink-eye and snarls, "We know it was you who buzzed in the gunman" and Samantha feigns surprise and goes, "Excuse me..?" so the woman retorts that every time she's in the elevator she's dry humping a different man. Samantha weakly chuckles and says, "That's ridiculous.." but then has a shameful series of flashbacks of the various men she's invited to paw her scantily clad body while in full view of whichever tenant(s) had the misfortune of being trapped in the elevator at the time. Miranda gets callbacks from the men on her All the Men I Recently Fucked list. She hears back from the perpetually angry lawyer she dated in the Fuck Buddy episode, and he admits that, yep, he had chlamydia, but didn't feel the need to tell her 'cause he figured it was none of her business. An astonished Miranda says he should have warned her to get tested, then angrily tells him she just remembered why she never wanted to call him again and slams the phone down. Carrie answers the door for Aidan, and for some reason she's decked out in a shapeless sack-dress that looks like it's been spray painted with doodles. Aidan holds up a bag of Chinese takeout and a six-pack of beer and suggests they eat in, watch a movie, and get cozy. Carrie calls Charlotte to glumly report that the verdict is in: she and Aidan are friends who kiss occasionally. Plus, he's been in the bathroom for half an hour, and she can't help but shudder at the icky possibilities of what that could mean. When Aidan summons her over, she quietly ends the call and heads to the bathroom. She's surprised to see that he ran a bubblebath for her and placed lit candles everywhere. She jokes, "It looks like a Danielle Steel novel in here" and he says he ran her a bath so she could relax from the stress of writing a raunchy sex column two days a week and somehow being able to make a living off of that. He emphasizes, "This is about you" and tells her he'll be heading home now...but assures her that they're more than friends 'cause he'll be [searing his brain cells] thinking about her naked. As he makes his way to the door, Carrie sits in the tub and invitingly says, "Big tub, little person" so Aidan throws all sense and good taste to the wind and replies, "You've talked me into it." Carrie and Aidan sit in the tub together and giggle. She asks, "What now?" so he goes, "Ah fuck it - let's just do it" but then Carrie gets all demure and reminds him that this is strictly a bath, and pretends she suddenly cares about getting to know someone before mindlessly leaping into the sack. Samantha enters the lobby of her building and sees that a number of the older tenants are clustered around the woman who was injured by the gunman. She hears them muttering shit about her, so she turns around and says, "If you want to say something, say it to my face" ... and none of them has any problem doing exactly that, which is awesome:
Samantha flees for the elevator...and when she reaches the safety of her apartment, she calls Carrie to complain that the jealous, dried up old farts in her building are targeting her 'cause she reminds them of what they can't have . I'm sure that's it. She then declares that it might be time to move elsewhere. Carrie once again changes the subject to herself and announces that she has another date with Aidan tonight, and that she got a preview of his awesome schlong. Charlotte's in bed with the potty-mouthed investment banker...and he’s doing his best to not yell out any expletives in the heat of passion. When it looks like he's going to have a stroke by holding it in, Charlotte wearily gives him the go-ahead, so he blurts out, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" as he releases. He then looks tortured and wails, "What's wrong with meeee?!" and soon after decides to start seeing a therapist and stop seeing Charlotte. Steve tells Miranda he tested negative for chlamydia, and Miranda complains that she feels like a dirty, diseased whore. Well d'yuh. She tells him she had to write out a list of all the guys she slept with, then sheepishly confesses, "It's not short." He asks her the number, so she hangs her head in shame and says, "Forty-two." Steve says that's not so bad, then tells her he's well past sixty. When she stares at him in surprise, he adds, "I'm a cute bartender" and the two giggle about their promiscuousness and smooch. Carrie and Aidan arrive at her apartment after their date. He asks if can stay the night, then smilingly says he arranged for someone to walk and feed Pete. Carrie looks delighted, then voice-overs that for the first time in awhile, she was nervous about sex, 'cause this time it was going to mean something. Welcome to adulthood, Carrie. Carrie and Aidan wake up in bed together the next morning, and she gabbles in a voice-over about how much she loooooves that this new relationship is a clean slate. Don't get too used to it; you're going to fuck it all up soon enough. Samantha moves into her new apartment, located in the hot and trendy meatpacking district. She sexily sashays past a row of scantily clad transgender floozies who are standing in front of her building, and looks delighted that she finally resides in a place where no one could give even the tiniest rat's ass about how gigantic a whore she is. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: Charlotte is wrapping up a date with a guy named Brad. They both agree they had a fantastic evening, then lean toward each other for the obligatory good night kiss. After an acceptably traditional kiss, Brad goes down a strange path and starts licking Charlotte's lips, then laps away at her chin. She looks startled and makes a blech face, and he somehow remains oblivious to her weirded out reaction. The next evening, the gals are out for dinner at a hot new restaurant called Fusion. Charlotte describes in detail what a horrible kisser Brad is, and they all squeal, "Ewwww!!" then make fun of all the horrible kissing techniques they've had to endure over the years. Samantha pronounces that bad kissers are generally bad in bed, and urges Charlotte to dump the face licker asap... and the visual of his face licking prompts them to once again squeal, "Ewwww!!" All of their ewwwwing prompts the chef/owner of Fusion - a woman named Adeena who's also Carrie's only black acquaintance - to come over and jokingly order them to keep down the racket. As the gals gush over the scrumptiousness of her trendy soul food, her hot brother ambles over to see whaddup. He asks Samantha if she attended a recent party for Jennifer Lopez, and Samantha says she didn't, but that her PR firm handled the event. She then gives him an appreciative once-over and adds, "I'm sure I'd have remembered meeting you." He introduces himself as Chivon and tells her he's a rep for a recording company, and Samantha purrs seductively as she hands him her business card. Chivon politely wishes the gals a pleasant evening...and once he's safely out of earshot, they cackle about his extreme hotness. Samantha exclaims, "I'd like to get me some of that!" and Charlotte makes a face and chides her for her inappropriate "black talk". Samantha groans and tells her to "relax with the knee-jerk liberal reaction" and clarifies that her remark wasn't black talk so much as it was sex talk. Charlotte primly tells her she should be saying African-American instead of black, and that anything resembling black sex talk is rude and politically incorrect. Carrie and Miranda remind her that Samantha is rude, politically incorrect, and an equal opportunity offender [not to mention slutty, vulgar, feckless, contemptible, boorish, and just plain gross]...and Samantha concurs and proudly pronounces, "I don't see color. I see conquests." Stanford drops by Carrie's apartment to alert her about "a beautiful man downtown who's selling beautiful furniture", and suggests she go check him out. Carrie says she's not interested 'cause she was planning to spend the afternoon drinking coffee and salivating over the pages of Australian Vogue...but when Stanford shows her the beautiful man's photo in the New York Times Style section and adds, "He's straight", Carrie immediately jumps into action and chirps, "I'll get my purse!" Carrie and Stanford arrive at the furniture store and quickly scope out the owner whose name is Aidan Shaw, and who Carrie describes as "warm, masculine, classic American" [but with a bit of a ratty 'do...sorry Aidan, but you look a lot better in Season 4 when you cut off that rat's nest]. Carrie watches Aidan cuddle his dog, and snarks to Stanford about the whole dog thing being "overkill" [which I took exception to, being an insane dog lover myself]. Stanford advises Carrie to tell Aidan she's a designer (so she can get a discount if she wants to buy something), then gushes about how perfect he is for her and urges, "Go get him!" A few seconds later, he glances around the store and notices an appealing gay male designer...and takes his own advice and goes for it. Aidan's dog, whose name we later learn is Pete, scampers over to Carrie and starts humping her leg. Aidan quickly comes to her aid and jokes that Pete only does that to the pretty ladies...and Carrie blushingly says she's flattered, then looks fake surprised when he tells her he's the store's owner. She glances around at the store's inventory and admires a wide leather chair. Aidan tells her it's his favorite piece, and describes in detail how he stripped the leather off a railroad car seat...and while he's talking, he takes her hand and runs it across the old leather. Carrie gets so turned on that she blurts out, "I'll take it!" - and when she sees the hefty price tag she fibs and tells him she's a designer. Aidan agrees to slash the price even further, then says he can deliver the chair by the end of the week. He asks her where he should deliver it, then asks if he can take her out for dinner sometime. No, Aidan. Noooooooo!!!! Miranda arrives home to an excited Steve, who explains that he's so excited 'cause he won the contest to try to make a half-court shot at the next Knick's basketball game for a prize of $1 million. Miranda tries to feign interest in this and goes, "Great!" and he corrects her by exclaiming, "It's fucking great!" She warns him not to get his hopes up, but Steve says she doesn't fully realize how awesome he is at basketball. He invites her to watch him practice his hoop shooting in the nearby park sometime, and she's just like, "Yeah, OK...whatever." Carrie meets up with Miranda to eat cupcakes and gush about her new crush. She says she finds him to be very cute, and that she knows she's totally into him 'cause she bought a chair she can't afford simply because he made it. Miranda dreamily says she hasn't had a crush since Shaun Cassidy...and when Carrie goes, "What about Steve?", Miranda laughingly exclaims, "I forgot about my boyfriend! Is that normal?" She tells Carrie that Steve thinks he's going to win $1 million making a half-court shot at the next Knick's game...then says she's really really trying to be supportive, but finds it excruciating to support something so boneheaded. Chivon brings Samantha to an edgy, urban-type nightclub to check out a band he's considering signing...and she's decked herself out in a skanky tube top and fugly gold lamé jacket for the occasion. Chivon introduces her to his friends...and Carrie voice-overs that within minutes Samantha felt very at home in Chivon's world, listening to rap music and chillin' with the homies. Later, Chivon and Samantha are spooning in her bed. He puts on a slow rap song and asks for her opinion, and she purrs in a high-pitched little girl voice about how the song is so soft...which is odd 'cause she thought that all rap had a hard edge. Chivon chuckles and says that that describes her perfectly, then points out all the attitude she gives out...but now she's nestled in his arms, looking and acting so soft and sweet. Uuuuugggghhh. Of all the retch-worthy Sex and the City moments I've recapped thus far, this one is by far the retch-worthiest. Carrie and Aidan are sitting on the front steps of her building. He tells her that his dog is obsessed with her after the leg hump, and Carrie laughs and confesses that she's not actually a designer, and that she lied about it 'cause she wanted the discount. She then nonchalantly pulls out a cigarette and lights up, and Aidan stares at her in horror and goes, "You smoke?" Carrie looks startled by his reaction and mumbles, "Just a little" then tosses the cigarette on the ground as if to send the message that she can take or leave the habit whenever she chooses. She tells him she had a great time tonight, then leans in for a post-date smooch...but after leaning in closer, Aidan winces in revulsion and says he can still taste the cigarette on her mouth. And can probably smell it in her hair and on every fibre of her clothing. While a chastened Carrie fishes through her purse for a breath mint, Aidan says he doesn't want to be a jerk or anything, but makes it clear that he has zero desire to date a stinky smoker. She stares at him in complete incredulity and goes, "Really?" and he firmly retorts, "Yep. It's a thing I have." Carrie is sitting in her apartment, puffing up a storm and writing the latest installment of her shittastic column. She wonders when dating became so "dump-friendly", calls the dating market volatile, and asks viewers to mull over how wise it is to "liquidate certain stocks the very first sign they might not perform as well as expected". She then taps out on her computer: are there certain things one should try and negotiate? In relationships, what are the deal breakers? Charlotte is out with Brad the Bad Kisser again, doing her best to coach him into becoming a socially acceptable kisser. She gives him step-by-step instructions on what she likes - and it works for a little while...but then he goes off the rails and starts sucking areas of her face that are nowhere near her mouth. She finally throws in the towel and wails, "I can't do this!" and berates him for being a horrible, horrible kisser. Brad looks befuddled and tells her that kissing is his thing and Charlotte stares at him in bewilderment before fleeing. Stanford goes home with his latest hookup, Marty Mendleson (the designer he met at Aidan's furniture shop). He's dismayed to discover that Marty is an avid doll collector, and that he keeps a large sample of his cherished collectibles carefully assembled atop his bed. Marty holds up two of his favorites and grins proudly, introducing Stanford to the Queen of Siam and Mary Queen of Scots...and a weirded out Stanford helps him clear off the bed so they can get strip down and get busy. Chivon is treating Samantha to dinner at Fusion, and he gushes about how beautiful she looks in her tacky, glittery sleeveless top. Adeena comes over and tells Chivon that their aunt is dining at the restaurant and that he should probably go over and say hello, and he obediently gets up and toddles off. Adeena fake smiles at Samantha and asks her whaddup with her and her brother, and Samantha says, "We're dating. Why?" so Adeena snidely replies, "So...you're not just fucking?" Samantha confirms that no, they're not "just fucking" (even though "just fucking" is an apt description of how she generally relates to men) and tells her that they actually like each other. Adeena barks, "No!" and says she has YUGE problems with her only brother getting tangled up with a trashy white skank such as herself. She declares that she's never going to approve of the relationship, then smugly says her approval means a lot to Chivon. She fake smiles again and urges Samantha to save everyone a lot of time and trouble and get out of this thing now...and as a thank you she'll send over a complimentary dessert. Over brunch, Samantha complains to the gals about being 'dissed by Adeena. Charlotte tells her that race is big issue for people and that she should probably break it off with Chivon asap and move on to her next meaningless hookup. Samantha says she refuses to obey Adeena's edict and walk away from a sweet man who has the biggest... and Charlotte, whose face is all red and blotchy from Brad's latest tongue assault, snidely interjects and snaps, "Big black cock?!" Miranda chides her for not using the more politically correct "big African-American cock" (bwahaha!), and Samantha pretends she was going to cap off the sentence with the word heart...but then cackles about how there's no denying that Chivon's cock is, indeed, big and black. Samantha says she's not backing down to Chivon's bossy sister, and Carrie's like, "Bravo!" and agrees that she shouldn't have to sacrifice who she is...then somehow likens this situation to how icked out Aidan was when he learned about her smoking habit. She stubbornly pronounces that Aidan is just going to have to accept her for who she is, and an incredulous Miranda asks her if she's truly choosing cigarettes over a cute guy. Charlotte jumps in and tells her how much they all hate her dirty, disgusting smoking habit, which is also killing her, and that they only put up with it 'cause they love her. Carrie gets annoyed at being "ganged up on", and insists that smoking is a part of who she is. She looks over at Samantha for support and goes, "Right..?" but Samantha tells her that, unlike her struggle to stand up to a bitchy woman so she can continue dating her hot brother, holding onto her nasty cigarette habit is "just whack". Carrie is hanging with Stanford at her apartment, drinking, smoking, and ranting that her friends' objections to her "fabulous" cigarette habit is total bullshit. Stanford, meanwhile, grumbles about Marty Mendleson's bizarre doll collection and thinks it's too freaky, even for him. Carrie mulls that over and urges him to reconsider giving Marty the heave-ho...then decides to follow her own advice, and announces that she's going to quit smoking to see if Aidan is worth going through nicotine withdrawal for. Steve reminds Miranda that she promised to come outside and watch him shoot hoops in preparation for the Knick's game half-court shot. Miranda irritably points at all of the boxes of legal documents her firm just couriered to the apartment and says she's too busy for his nonsense...and Steve throws a tantrum, drops a few f-bombs, and demands that she believe in him and in their relationship, regardless of how fucking stupid she thinks it is. In the next scene, Miranda has caved and finds Steve shooting hoops in a nearby park. She throws him a bone by loudly cheering him on...which makes him beam with pleasure. Carrie voice-overs that even though he missed the half-court shot on game day, Miranda's fake support made him "feel like a million bucks". I really like Steve, but he's definitely starting to venture into Man-child Territory. Carrie stops by Aidan's furniture store to announce that she's quitting cigarettes cold turkey, then pretends she was merely a casual smoker anyway. Aidan perks up at that and asks her if she'd like to go grab a coffee, and she accepts, but then tortures herself by thinking how great a cigarette would go with that coffee. After the coffee, Carrie and Aidan stroll along...and Carrie starts to twitch after several hours of nicotine withdrawal. An oblivious Aidan asks her if she'd like to get something to eat, and she agrees to a quick bite. Marty shows Stanford his newest dolly, and Stanford's like, "That's nice" then strips down to his underwear and steers Marty toward the bed. As the two roll around amorously, Stanford accidentally kicks one of the dolls off the bed, which results in its porcelain head getting smashed to pieces. Marty has a freakout and decides that doll breaking is a definite deal breaker. Samantha and Chivon are out at a club when they run into Adeena, who looks less than thrilled that Samantha chose to not obey her edict to get lost. When Chivon steps away to get them some drinks, Adeena glares at Samantha and makes her displeasure known. Samantha implores her to at least get to know her before she reaches the inevitable conclusion that she's an emotionally vacant and soulless hussy - but Adeena bluntly says, "It's a black thing", makes it clear she doesn't belong here, then again orders her to leave her brother the fuck alone. Samantha turns to leave, then rethinks that decision and gets all in Adeena's face and insults her cooking by sassily pronouncing, "Your okra wasn't all that!" An enraged Adeena grabs a handful of Samantha's hair...and eventually the bouncers rush over to break up the embarrassing girlie fight. Carrie is vibrating during dinner, unable to think of anything other than how desperately she wants to smoke the emergency cigarette she keeps hidden in her purse. Aidan asks her if she'd like some dessert, but she blurts out, "I have a deadline!" and springs up from her chair. Aidan offers to walk her home, but she cries, "No!" and scampers out of the restaurant, leaving behind her jacket. She fishes the emergency cigarette out of her purse, but then yelps when she accidentally drops it in the gutter. She carefully picks it up (gross) and lights it...and by this time Aidan is standing behind her, holding her jacket, and staring at her in dismay. As she looks up at him sheepishly, he sternly says, "We've got a little problem" and Carrie nods in agreement, unable to stop herself from puffing away. Chivon gives Samantha a lecture about how his sister is his blood and that she's always been there for him, blah blah...then admonishes her for the sin of insulting her okra. Samantha quietly decides that Chivon is nothing more than a big black pussy who is incapable of standing up to his sister, so she gives him a friendly goodbye kiss and sashays out of the bar in her age inappropriate Jennifer Lopez-esque get-up. Carrie decides she's going to choose the cute guy over her smelly addiction, and flushes her cigarettes down the toilet. She then stares at her horsey face in the mirror and voice-overs that she's really doing this for herself - then promptly contradicts that pronouncement when she expresses hope that Aidan will prove to be worth the effort. After that, she slaps a nicotine patch on her arm and goes off on her merry way. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how New Yorkers are the most jaded people in the world...and then we get footage of a police officer beating a man on the street and is ignored by passersby, and gratuitous clip of a cocktail waitress who's serving drinks in her birthday suit. The gals (plus Stanford) are gathered at Charlotte's gallery, checking out an exhibit titled Drag Kings: A Collision of Illusion and Reality - aka a collection of grisly photos of women who are made up and dressed to look like men. The gals tell Charlotte that the photographs are amaaaaazing, and Samantha says she thinks it would be fun to be a drag king. The photographer, Baird Johnson, comes over to say hey to Charlotte and she introduces him to her skanky friends. Miranda asks Baird what [in the bloody hell could have possibly] inspired him to want to take these fugly photos, and he babbles some nonsense about the "dual powers" everyone has, e.g. women can be masculine and vice versa. He pronounces gender to be an illusion, then gazes at Charlotte and gushingly adds, "A very beautiful illusion" ... and a blushing Charlotte stammers something unintelligible and scampers off. The gals follow her and ask her whassup, and she whines about how she's too nervous to make the first move. Carrie's like, "OK, whatevs" and says she's off to meet up with her latest hookup: a twenty-six year old hottie named Sean. Miranda returns home and finds Steve camped out in her living room watching basketball and eating Chinese food. He tells her he doesn't have to be at work until 10pm, so the two take the opportunity to indulge in an early evening doink. Sean has taken Carrie ice-skating, which may not have been the best idea 'cause she's clutching onto the boards for dear life while trying to puff on her cigarette. Sean credits himself with thinking of such a unique activity for their date, but Carrie argues that it's not an official date without cocktails. Sean opens his jacket and reveals several tiny liquor bottles tucked into a side pocket, and Carrie squeals happily and plants him with a big smooch. After boozing it up with the tiny bottles, Carrie and Sean retire on an off-ice bench and continue to make out. He asks her when she was last in a serious relationship, and she grimly says she ended something a while ago and describes it as "two years of back and forth"...and by back and forth she means a one-sided clingy-fest with a man who repeatedly made it obvious that he was never that into her. She asks Sean about his relationship history, and he lists off a bunch of women's names before mentioning a Mark. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a?" and Sean looks at her in surprise and goes, "Is that a problem?" and she just stares bewilderedly into space. I'll take that as a yes. At brunch the next day, Carrie grimly announces to the gals that Sean is bisexual...and Samantha nods knowingly and says she figured as much when he took her ice skating. Heh. Carrie is flummoxed about how open he dared be about about his sexuality, so Samantha explains that the younger generation is all about experimentation, then pronounces, "All the kids are going bi." Carrie can't help but wonder when the sexes got so confused, and Charlotte says doesn't approve of all this "bi-ness" 'cause it shrinks the pool of available heterosexual, marriageable men for desperate-to-be-married women like herself. Carrie says that when Sean asked her if his history of dating men was a problem, she told him it wasn't - but now realizes she's an old fart for whom it is a gigantic problem. Furthermore, she doesn't actually believe that bisexuality exists and considers the faux status to be "a layover on the way to Gay Town". Yeech. She's pretty judgey and uptight about this stuff, considering she makes a living writing raunch in a tabloid rag. Samantha argues that Sean is super evolved 'cause of how open he is to all sexual experiences - but Miranda jokingly (though not really) says he's a greedy bastard to be "double-dipping". Samantha reminds Carrie that she's dating - not marrying - Sean, and tells her not to stress too much about labels. Charlotte primly says she's very much into labels, then snarks, "Gay or straight. Pick a side and stay there." Carrie returns to her apartment to puff on a cigarette and contemplate whether or not "sexual flipping" was the wave of the future...and if so, was she too over-the-hill to play that game? She thinks back to the gender-bending exhibition at Charlotte's gallery, then scrunches her horsey face while she thinks deeply and taps out on her computer: if we can take the best of the other sex and make it our own, has the opposite sex become obsolete? Nope. No, it has not. A hot young man enters Samantha's office and applies for the job as her assistant, and she purrs appreciatively and hires him on the spot. Charlotte is doing paperwork at the gallery when Baird drops by to pick up his check...which I'll take to mean that people actually purchased at least some of his shittastic photography. He tells Charlotte he'd looove to photograph her posing as a man - but she argues that she's too much of a demure girlie girl who couldn't possibly present herself as butch. Baird argues that every woman has a male inside, then urges, "Come on. Be a man." Sean takes Carrie to a funky new club called Hair...and the two are sitting at a table and canoodling. When he glances in the direction of where a man and woman are standing, Carrie asks which of them he was checking out, and he gives her a funny look and says neither - he was just looking for the bathroom. She sheepishly apologizes and says that this whole "bi thing" is throwing her for a loop...so he assures her he digs her and that he isn't gay so much as just happened to once be in a relationship with a guy. An hour later, Carrie and Sean are going at it on the floor next to her bed. She asks him if she kisses better than a guy, and he indulges her and assures her that, yep, she kisses better than any guy he's ever made out with. When he asks her how he stacks up with all the men she's hit the sheets with, she says he's definitely in the top 2%. She then continues to beat this tedious topic to death and asks him if would prefer a hot guy to a hot girl, and he begs her to shut it and stop making everything about sex. Samantha overhears her hot new assistant rudely barking at someone on the phone, so she rushes over and abruptly ends the call, then admonishes him for talking to her clients like that and reminds him that she's the boss. She then goes back to her office and stares hungrily at him through her office window, thinking that while his boyish arrogance was annoying and unprofessional...it was incredibly hot. Miranda is sitting up in bed, stewing. She barks at Steve - who was asleep - to get away from her side of the bed, and Steve sleepily jokes that they should draw a line in the middle. When Miranda doesn't crack a smile, he stupidly suggests that she allocate a box or a spare drawer for him, and she glares incredulously and snaps, "You want a drawer?!" Steve, who can't seem to detect the brazen hostility that's being lobbed at him, replies, "Actually, I wanna move in." Miranda cringes in horror and asks him how that crazy idea popped into his tiny brain, and he points out that he practically lives at her apartment anyway. She huffily complains that this is all going at "warp speed" and doesn't think they're ready, then bellows, "You're here all the time!" Steve finally has the sense to be insulted by Miranda's bitchitude and jumps out of bed and gets dressed while she complains about how suffocated she feels. He snaps, "It's like you're the guy sometimes!" and storms off. Run far and fast, Steve. And don't ever come back. Miranda and Carrie attend a "Goddess Fitness" exercise class, which seems to entail sexily shaking one's hips and waving a scarf around. Miranda can't get the hang of the hip popping movement, so she and Carrie beat a hasty retreat. She whines to Carrie about how she can never be a girlie girl...and then the two derisively cackle at all the girlie girls out there [like their friend Charlotte, for example]. Miranda moans, "I really do love Steve" and Carrie says there's always one person in charge of a relationship...and in the sad case of her horribly dysfunctional relationship with Steve, that person is her. Miranda returns to an empty apartment and frowns unhappily. Charlotte is dressed as a man, about to be photographed by Baird. She giggles at her reflection and says she doesn't think she can pull this off - but Baird suggests she think of herself as a hot man who could get any woman "he" wants. She says she's going to need a bigger sock in her crotch, and Baird agrees and seductively shoves a sock down the front of her pants. As Charlotte initiates an intense smoochfest with Baird, Carrie voice-overs that Charlotte suddenly became "a chick with balls". Samantha orders her hot young assistant to deliver a bunch of invitations to the printer asap, and he dismissively tells her he'll get to it when he gets to it. Samantha orders him to do it now and then go pick up lunch, and he says it would make more sense to pick up lunch first 'cause the printer is on the opposite end of town. Samantha snaps, "No!" and tosses the invitations at him, then glares at him incredulously and says, "Do you realize you're my assistant? And that it's your job to do what I say?" Hottie gets all in her face and insists he knows what he's doing, and Samantha snaps back that she knows better...and the two start bickering like an old married couple. When the phone rings, Hottie picks it up and tells whoever's on the other end that they have a shitty attitude...which prompts Samantha to abruptly fire him. She then creepily ventures into Sexual Harassment Territory when she grabs him, forcibly smooches him, and orders him to fuck her atop the desk. Miranda arrives home late and apologizes to Steve - who she invited over for dinner - in a babbling manner about how her conference call went late and ruined their dinner plans. She then accidentally drops a jar of pasta sauce that splatters all over the floor, and despondently lets go of the rest of her groceries. She tearfully tells him she's very upset that he had to see that...and that she's freaked out about him discovering that she's stubborn, unable to cook, and doesn't do laundry frequently enough. She's oddly frightened that if her generally cunty disposition isn't enough drive him off, her inability to perform normal domestic chores will be the thing that comes between them. Steve hugs her and assures her that he's not going anywhere [you fool!]...and Miranda blubbers and suddenly realizes that perhaps she is the woman in the relationship after all. Charlotte's in her living room, hanging up the man photo that Baird took of her. We learn from Carrie's voice-over that she was so embarrassed by how forward she'd been that she didn't have the nerve to ever see Baird again. I'm surprised she'd be so willing to squander a possible relationship with a man who's even remotely marriageable. Carrie and Sean climb several flights of stairs to get to his friend's apartment, where there's a party in full swing. Note: Carrie has done her best to appear funktastic by dressing in a short, skin tight pleather dress with a fluffy white flower thing stapled on one side. Sean introduces her to Mark (his ex), and Mark's dorky new partner, Garth. Also in attendance is Alanis Morissette, who had been previously married to Garth and is now a lesbian...and Carrie looks as befuddled as possible as she struggles to learn all the various dating combinations of these people...as if any of this is going to matter once the end credits start rolling. Suddenly, one of the female partygoers holds a bottle in the air and squeals, "Time to play!" and a smiling Sean informs Carrie that they're all going to revert to thirteen year olds and play Spin the Bottle. Somehow Carrie, and the rest of the guests, refrain from fleeing the apartment. The first two kissers are boy/girl kissers...but when Alanis Morissette spins the bottle, it stops pointed at Carrie. Ew. When everyone stares at Carrie expectantly as she lights up a cigarette, she looks down at the bottle and breezily goes, "Whoops! It's a girl. Spin again" but Alanis Morissette says, "It's OK" then leans toward Carrie and gives her a mini-smooch while everyone ooooohs. Carrie decides that the lesbian kiss wasn't too bad - and was kinda like eating chicken. She then gathers her things, manages to get to her feet despite the awkwardness of wearing skimpy pleather, and announces that she's off to get more cigarettes. As she beats a hasty retreat out of the building, she explains via voice-over that she just wanted to take her "hot, old fart ass home"...and that it was the last night she saw Sean, who I'm sure wasn't impressed by the rude departure. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: As the gals enjoy one of their endless brunches, Charlotte is looking over wedding announcements published in the Sunday Times, sobbing on the inside 'cause she's not one of the brides being featured. She starts reading aloud one of the announcements, in which the bride says she quit her job once she got engaged. The gals laugh bitterly, then bitch about women who only pretend to care about their careers until they can find a rich man to support a more pampered lifestyle...which is funny 'cause that's pretty much exactly what Charlotte does after marrying Dr. Trey MacDougal. Charlotte turns the page, gasps, and folds the paper shut. The gals are all, "What..?" and as Charlotte weakly insists that there's nothing to see, Samantha grabs the paper from her and opens it to a photo of Mr. Big and Natasha. Carrie glances at it in an overly fake nonchalant manner, pretends as though she couldn't give a hoot about Big and his elegant new wife, and says, "Well, it's official. He's married." She then pretends to look around for the waitress and mutters, "Where are my home fries?" When the other three glance at each other warily, Carrie assures them she's fine, and that she was prepared for this news. Miranda then grumbles about how much she hates the Sunday Times, and says that the wedding announcement section is a conspiracy to make losers like her feel bad about their empty, shallow lives. Charlotte accompanies Carrie back to her apartment so they can read Big's wedding announcement together...after which she will cluck sympathetically while Carrie weeps dejectedly. Charlotte reads the announcement aloud, which describes how the couple met in Paris - and Carrie rolls her eyes derisively and snaps, "How original. They fell in love in Paris." After listening to Charlotte read the full account of how the two met/got engaged, Carrie says she doesn't "hear" Big anywhere in this article, and assumes that Natasha is bitchily calling all the shots. Charlotte remarks that the song When a Man Loves a Woman was played at the wedding, then makes a face and calls that tacky...but Carrie sadly replies, "No. That's Big" then buries her face in her hands and starts blubbering. Charlotte says he just wasn't the right man for her...and Carrie tearfully describes Natasha as "shiny hair, style section, Vera Wang" while she, in stark contrast, sports an over-processed rat's nest and routinely dresses like a cheap hooker. She buries her face in her hands again, and Charlotte does her best to murmur words of comfort. Miranda has hired a Ukrainian housekeeper named Magda, who keeps her supplied her with herbal teas, and gives her a rolling pin so she can make pies. While dress shopping the next day, Miranda asks Carrie if she has a rolling pin in her kitchen, and Carrie's like, "As if!" and jokes about how she uses her oven for storage. As Miranda stands outside the fitting room where Carrie is trying on a dress, still gabbling, she notices Natasha - aka Mrs. Big - exit the adjoining fitting room to check herself out in a lovely white frock. Carrie says she needs a smaller size, then comes out of the fitting room in her underwear - 'cause, yeah, that's normal - and comes face-to-face with Big's upgrade. Natasha sees her reflection in the mirror, gracefully whirls around, and smiling says, "Carrie!" and a wigged out Carrie goes, "Hey!" and stammers a half-hearted congratulations on "the thing". Natasha explains that she's shopping for a dress for the upcoming Women in the Arts luncheon she's helping organize - and Carrie reminds her that as a writer of a raunchy sex column, she considers herself a woman in the arts and will also be in attendance at the luncheon. Natasha smiles in response, then politely says, "See you there." Carrie hurries home and gets on the horn with Samantha to see if she can score her an invitation to the Women in the Arts luncheon. She complains that both times she's come face-to-face with Natasha she's been under-clothed, and desperately wants Natasha to see her looking effortlessly striking...even though it's highly unlikely that Natasha could give a rat's ass about what Carrie is wearing whenever they happen to run into each other. Samantha grumbles that it seems like a lot of trouble to go through for a woman, but agrees to get tickets and offers to accompany her to the luncheon. She snarks, "These bitches need to be put in their places." Not sure what the Women in the Arts ever did to 'dis Samantha...but whatever. Carrie later admits to herself that Natasha always makes her feel like a charity case, then wonders why she cares so much how she looks in front of her. Insecurity? Insanity? Low self esteem? Mental health problems? An annoying fixation on your ex's beautiful new wife? Carrie sits in front of her laptop and taps out: Are there women in New York who are just there to make us feel bad about ourselves? No, idiot. The angst is all in your head. Magda is putting away Miranda's laundry when she stumbles upon her goodie drawer, aka storage place for sex toys. A red-faced Miranda tries to explain why she needs the aid of a vibrator every now and again, despite having a boyfriend. Magda solemnly asks her if she likes her boyfriend and wants to marry him, and Miranda says she really has no idea if anyone would ever want to marry someone with as cunty a personality as she has. Magda seems OK with her uncertainty and exclaims, "God bless you!" and Miranda shoots her a dirty look and bitchily retorts that she doesn't need her or God to bless her, 'cause she's fine with her craptastic life just the way it is. What a surly bitch this woman is. While enjoying the day at a swanky spa, Miranda complains to the gals that she feels like she just hired her mother. She tells them about how Magda found her goodie drawer...and Charlotte scrunches her face with distaste and says she doesn't have such a thing in her apartment. The four enter the steam room where several women are lounging seductively in their birthday suits...and Carrie, Miranda, and Samantha nonchalantly take off their towels. Charlotte looks tortured by the thought of unveiling her naughties, complains she's too hot, and scurries out. Carrie chases after her to ask whassup, so Charlotte explains that she's not comfortable being naked in public and that she didn't grow up in "a naked house". She dejectedly tells Carrie she doesn't have a perfect body like she does [ugh - that sinewy bag of bones??], and Carrie calls her deluded - which, d'yuh - and assures her that she has a beautiful figure. Charlotte miserably retorts that if that were true, a woman in the steam room wouldn't have looked at her like her thighs were too big. After a relaxing massage, Samantha runs into a woman who claims that her masseur, Kevin, just went down on her. Samantha looks intrigued...and after she catches a glimpse of the young, hot looking Kevin, she immediately books an appointment with him. Miranda settles into bed, decides she's in the mood for some vibrating genital action, and opens her goodie drawer. She's all, "Ack!" when she sees that her sex toys have been replaced with a statue of the Virgin Mary. Haha! Carrie meets up with Charlotte for dessert after spending an exorbitant amount of money on a new pair of shoes. She orders chocolate cake, while Charlotte orders a fruit cup and bitches about her thunder thighs again. Carrie rolls her eyes and says the problem is all in her head...and speaking of problems that are all in one's head, Carrie tries on her overpriced new heels and tells Charlotte that they give her enough height to put her face-to-face with Natasha...providing Natasha wears flats. She admits to having a "Natasha specific obsession" that she believes will come to an end once Natasha sees her looking fabulous at the luncheon. Charlotte decides to face her fear of sitting naked in a steam room. She returns to the spa, sneaks around the locker room with her hands over her boobs, and slinks inside the steam room. When she uncovers herself and stares around nervously, a topless woman sitting across from her brazenly checks her out and says, "I'd kill for your breasts" and Charlotte looks delighted that a complete stranger has validated her mammaries. Samantha is being massaged by Kevin...and she's purring seductively as he rubs her back, legs, and arms. When she checks her watch and realizes that the appointment is almost over, she takes matters into her own hands - no pun intended - and grabs his crotch...and Kevin's all, "Wuh?" and shoots her a dirty look. In the next scene, Samantha is being admonished by the spa's manager for sexually harassing her employee. Samantha explains that she only booked the appointment 'cause she heard that Kevin had gone down on another customer...and the owner glares at Kevin, who stares sheepishly at the floor. At the Women in the Arts luncheon, Samantha is complaining to Carrie about being discriminated against by Kevin. She wails, "He can't just go down on one woman and not another. I paid good money expecting to be eaten out!" Carrie tells her to shut it 'cause she doesn't want to be overheard participating in so raunchy a conversation when she's supposed to be showcasing her "most amazing self". When they check in at the registration desk, Carrie is dismayed to learn that Natasha is under the weather and won't be attending after all. She's all, "Wha-a-a?!" while Samantha growls, "I can't believe that bitch is a no show!" Carrie slaps her forehead and moans about how she just bought a dress that cost her a month's rent and probably bounced a check to a charity to prove she's amazing. She tells Samantha she just wants to go home - but Samantha refuses to leave before they get their complimentary drinks. She grabs the drink tickets from Carrie and heads to the bar. Miranda bitches at Magda for putting a Virgin Mary statue in her goodie drawer and demands to know where her sex toys are. Magda disapprovingly retorts that keeping sex toys in the house sends the message that she doesn't need a man - and Miranda snaps, "What I don't need is another mother" and says if she can't deal with the stuff in her goodie drawer, she'll find another housekeeper who can. Run far and fast, Magda. A woman sitting beside Carrie asks her if she'd be willing to mentor kids who want to become writers, and Carrie bitchily reminds her that she writes about cocks, jizz, and blow jobs...so it's doubtful she'd be any kind of positive role model. Samantha ambles over to her table with a woman named Jenna, who went to college with Natasha. At Samantha's prompting, she tells Carrie that Natasha once showered with a guy in a community bathroom, then gained ten pounds during their sophomore year. Carrie thanks Samantha for trying to cheer her up by envisioning Natasha as a porker, but says she's ready to go home and sulk now. On their way out, they run into the woman on whom Kevin went down at the spa - and she points at Samantha and tells her friends, "This is the woman who got Kevin fired!" One of them miserably blurts out, "Who's gonna fuck me now?!" and the other women are like, "Wuh? Kevin fucked you?" and Samantha and Carrie beat a hasty retreat. When Miranda settles into bed for the evening, she's pleased to see that Magda has placed a platter filled with condoms on her night stand and returned her sex toys to their rightful place in her goodie drawer. Carrie gets a thank you card in the mail from Natasha for attending the luncheon. Upon close inspection, she notices that Natasha misspelled there (by using their) - and she cackles with delight at the grammar error, then immediately calls up Miranda to snidely report, "It's a good thing she got married. The woman's an idiot!" That's right, Carrie. She's the idiot. Not the person who blew her rent money on a new dress and shoes, desperately trying to impress a woman who probably never gives her husband's ex-skank a fleeting thought. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how she’s been dating Mad Men's Roger Sterling for the past three weeks…and that she's been accompanying him to his various speeches and rallies on the campaign trail. She thinks they make a good match ‘cause of how adept he is at politics and she is at fashion [even though her fashion choices frequently scream I like to dress like a cheap hooker]. Carrie and Roger Sterling burst into her apartment, amorously smooching. He tells her he’s totes up for a doink, then picks her up like a sack of potatoes and carries her over to the bed. Elsewhere in Manhattan, Miranda and Steve stroll down the street together after a night out. He tells her he'd like to get together with her sometime this week, and she bitchily says she can't commit to "just being available whenever". Steve is like, "Why not?" and says he's not dating anyone else because, for some God-only-knows-why reason, he wants to date only her...and a perplexed Miranda mutters, "I see" and says she hadn't considered the possibility of dating him exclusively. Steve insists that they have to be willing to commit to each other in order to see if things can work out between them, and Miranda agrees - but only 'cause she didn't want Steve to know that she doesn't actually have any other prospects. Run far and fast, Steve. The gals are having brunch on an outdoor patio, and Carrie is gabbling at them about her budding romance with Roger Sterling. Charlotte says she's suddenly interested in politics 'cause it's a great way to meet men...and that because of who Carrie is currently dating, they now have access to the inner circle - which Miranda accurately translates to mean "men who are single and rich". Carrie jokingly reminds the gals that Roger isn't running for president, and Samantha says he should and adds that she always votes for candidates based on their looks 'cause "the country runs better with a good looking man in the White House". Charlotte chirps (twice), “I used to have a crush on Dan Quayle!” and when the other three twitch with revulsion, she gets a dreamy look on her face and declares that no president was hotter than JFK. Miranda wryly says it's a good thing that the four of them weren't around during the time of the Thirteen Colonies 'cause they prolly wouldn't have found the founding fathers very fuckable. As the nitwits cackle at their collective wit, Carrie happily voice-overs, "There we were. Just four girls talking politics." [Except that you're not girls talking politics - you're grown women who, instead of discussing politics in a manner that would befit mature adults, are babbling superficial nonsense like the vapid dinkwhistles you are.] Miranda tells Carrie that Steve essentially asked her to go steady...and that she'd prefer to not make that kind of commitment 'cause she'll always be left wondering, "What if somebody better comes along?" She then moans about how she has no clue how to treat Steve with human decency - I mean be political in a relationship, and Carrie suggests she write up a pro/con list. Later, Carrie goes back to her apartment to tap out her column and contemplate the link between sex and politics. She wonders if the two are inextricably linked, then types: And if so, can there be sex without politics? Yes, Carrie. There can. Samantha is sitting at a bar when the man seated next to her calls her damned attractive and asks if he can buy her a drink. She bats her eyes coquettishly and remarks on how forward he is...and he introduces himself as Jeff Fenton, says he's [a] naturally aggressive [munchkin man] and that he runs a successful hedge fund. He invites her to go on a ski trip with him (which was weird), then suddenly gets an alert from his beeper. He tells Samantha he has to rush back to the office, but would like to lock down a dinner date before he leaves. Carrie voice-overs how special Samantha felt, being hit on by Jeff when plenty of gorgeous women were in her orbit. As the two exchange business cards, Samantha agrees to a Friday night dinner....and then Jeff hops off of his bar stool - a move that reveals his extreme shortness. He pretends to be oblivious to the mute horror that is etched on Samantha's face, and promises to give her a call soon. While attending a political fundraiser, Samantha asks Carrie and Charlotte what they think the height difference between a short person and a little person is. Carrie guesses five feet, and Samantha mulls that over and says she unwittingly agreed to go on a date with a very short man. Charlotte pronounces that it's unacceptable to date a man who's shorter than five feet, then excuses herself to mingle with rich single men - 'cause, as Carrie explains in a voice-over, "she was determined to be elected wife before the year was out." Godspeed, Charlotte. When Miranda arrives at the party with Steve, Carrie introduces them to Roger Sterling...and Steve jokes to Roger that if he wins the election, maybe he could fix some parking tickets for him. Miranda stares at him looking completely aghast, but Steve just laughs it off and says he's kidding...and Roger forces a smile and gives him a thumbs-up. A few seconds later, Miranda pulls Carrie aside and says that one of Steve's cons are his dumb jokes - but on the pro side, he does have a great butt. Samantha declares to some unfortunate person who's locked in conversation with her that she doesn't believe in the Republican party or Democratic party. Just parties. Charlotte, meanwhile, is chatting with a man she assumes is single and free to mingle...but is disheartened when his fiancee suddenly strolls over. Stanford tells Carrie he likes the cut of Roger's campaign manager's jib and asks her if she wouldn't mind setting him up. Carrie reluctantly agrees, then goes over to attempt a love match - but it turns out that the campaign manager is more into blonde muscular types. Carrie fibs to Stanford and tells him that, despite the alarm bells of his normally reliable gaydar going off, the campaign manager isn't actually a gay man. Charlotte bellyaches to the engaged couple about how she really wants to settle down...and that it seems like a miracle whenever two nice people meet each other and fall in love. The fiancee tells her that they met at a party her friend threw, where women were asked to bring a man they were no longer interested in romantically. Charlotte loves that idea and exclaims, "One woman's trash is another woman's treasure!" As Carrie and Roger Sterling canoodle in bed together post coitus, he tells her he hasn't been this intimate with a woman in a long time...then wanks her about how beautiful, funny, and all-around awesome she is, and that he looooves doinking her. He asks her if there's anything she'd like him to do that he's not currently doing, and she goes, "Nope. You?" ... and he pretends to think that over and says he'd love it if she gave him a golden shower. Carrie widens her eyes in horror and stares up at the ceiling. The next day, Carrie meets the gals for a movie and tells them about Roger's pee fetish. She says she managed to put him off last night, but knows she can't keep that up forever. Samantha needlessly says she once peed on a guy, but doesn't think he noticed, then advises Carrie to suck it up and give this hot political prince what he wants, since "with a guy, there's always something". Charlotte tells her that if things don't work out, she can always bring Mr. Pee Fetish to her Used Date party on Friday night...and Samantha perks up and says she'd like to use the party to try to offload her munchkin beau. Carrie and Roger Sterling are having dinner at an Indian restaurant. Carrie is chowing down on spicy food, but refuses to drink water so that her kidneys won't produce the urine that is needed to indulge Roger's pee fetish. When he mentions that he won't be able to stay over at her apartment tonight 'cause he has an early meeting tomorrow morning, Carrie grabs her glass of water and starts gulping. Har har. Used Date party! When Carrie and Stanford arrive, Charlotte gushes to Carrie about all the eligible men that are in attendance, then privately asks her why the hell she brought Stanford...and Carrie jokes that technically he's a man she's not romantically interested in. Samantha and Jeff arrive, and when he offers to hang up her coat she urges him to take his time, mingle among all the single women, and not hurry back. Carrie and Charlotte get a good look at him and agree that, yep, he's unacceptably short. A woman approaches Jeff and asks him if he's having any luck meeting someone...and when he tells her he's here with a date, she enlightens him about the purpose of the party. He stomps over to Samantha and asks her if she brought him here to dump him, and she's like, "Yeah, kinda" and says she thought maybe he could meet someone his own size. Jeff challenges her to an hour in the sack, guaranteeing that it'll be the best romp she's ever had. Samantha mulls that over, is like, "What the hell?" and the two head out. Carrie tells Stanford she's outta here, and he says he'd like to stay in case the men turn gay after suffering rejection from all the single women. Charlotte is having a delightful time chatting with a guy named Greg - until his ex-girlfriend, Melinda, ambles over. Charlotte thanks her for bringing this wonderful man to her party, but Melinda looks less than thrilled at seeing her ex getting so cozy with another woman...and a few minuter later, the two are making out in Charlotte's bedroom. Samantha and Jeff strip down to their underwear...and as Samantha gets boned by what she later describes as a "horny smurf", she discovers that his abilities in the sack more than made up for his shortcomings. Miranda and Steve are also hitting the sheets...and as they enjoy some post-coitus spooning, he tells her that she's the best woman he's ever met, then adds, "I love you." [He's mad as a hatter, this man.] According to Carrie's voice-over, Miranda counted the I love you as a big pro that outweighed all the cons. Samantha and Jeff are out to dinner...and they're having a marvelous time until Jeff toddles off the bathroom and Samantha notices that the blazer he left on his chair has a tag that reads Bloomingdale's Boy's Department. She gasps in horror and flees the table...and when she runs into Jeff on her way out, she admits she can't get past the fact that he shops in the boy's department. Jeff explains that little boys' clothes fit him better, plus they're cheaper...then snarks, "Where do you shop? The Big and Tall Whore Store?" Samantha chuckles at being called a whore [OK??] then decides that she genuinely enjoyed being with a man who was able to make her laugh. They ended up dating for two weeks - which, in Samantha's world, is the equivalent of a long-term relationship. Carrie and Roger Sterling are in bed together when he asks her if she'd like to take a shower, then heads over to the bathroom. A troubled looking Carrie wraps herself up in her bedding [a TV behavior that no one in real life ever does] and tiptoes in after him and says they should probably talk about the Pee Fetish Situation. She says it's totally fine if he's into something so gross...and that she's willing to go as far as simulate a golden shower by dribbling warm tea on him, or leave the water running while they have sex. She offers to also leave the bathroom door open when she's using it, but then immediately backtracks and says it's probably not something she'd ever be comfortable doing. Roger says he has something to talk to her about as well, then tells her that people connected to the campaign have been reading her shitty column and complain that it's way too raunchy...and that they don't think he should be dating a skanky sex columnist so close to the election. Seems like a reasonable complaint. Carrie argues that she only writes about sex, whereas he wants people to pee on him...and Roger smugly retorts, "Yeah, but nobody knows about that." After getting the dumperoo, Carrie writes the week's installment of her shittastic column and titles it To Pee or Not to Pee: That is the Question, but stops short of naming names. Roger is reading it with a look of horror on his face, while Carrie closes her laptop, looking smug and very pleased with herself. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: The gals are on the Staten Island Ferry, en route to a competition among New York City firemen to be in the latest beefcake calendar. As a minor New York celebrity (with a huge emphasis on minor), Carrie has been invited to be a judge on the panel. Charlotte complains about how far away Staten Island is...and the gals nostalgically stare back at Manhattan as the ferry speeds away. Miranda remarks on how small it looks - but yet is somehow still big enough to house all the various men they've doinked with since the pilot episode. Sexy firemen are stripping off their shirts, gyrating, and flexing their ripped bods as the panel somehow rates each of them. The "token male" on the panel is Roger Sterling from Mad Men, and he's flirtily consulting with Carrie on how to most accurately score muscular, scantily clad firemen. He introduces himself as a divorced politician who's currently campaigning to become New York City's next Comptroller. Charlotte and Miranda, meanwhile, are drinking Staten Island ice teas (Staten Island bars aren't advanced enough to be making Cosmopolitans) and complaining about the lack of dateable men...and Samantha is salivating over the beefy fireman who's currently strutting across the stage, shirtless. After the competition, the gals hit the dance floor. Carrie describes Staten Island as "a quaint European country" where the music was twenty years behind, and there were no rules against smoking wherever you liked. Samantha sashays over to the beefy fireman and seductively asks him if there are any Fire Department shirts (like the one he's wearing) available...and it's clear from the doltish look on his face and the rambley answer he gives that he's more than a few clowns short of a circus. Samantha interrupts his nattering and introduces herself, then learns that the oaf's name is Ricky. Roger Sterling joins Carrie at the bar, bums a smoke, and the two joke about their firemen scoring practices. He asks her what voting district she lives in, and she flippantly retorts, "Whichever one is near Barney's" then admits - without a shred of embarrassment or shame - that she's never actually voted in a New York election. Somehow, Roger Sterling remains intrigued and asks for her phone number, but she rebuffs him by saying she's here with her friends and not interested in dating anyone. He goes, "Ahh. Bad breakup..?" and instead of answering or even nodding in the affirmative, she moodily stares into space with that stupid faraway expression she likes to put on her horsey face. Carrie tells Miranda she wants to leave asap 'cause "the politician" is getting too persistent. Miranda informs her that Samantha went home with the beefy firefighter - shocker - and a few seconds later they find Charlotte standing in the middle of the dance floor, drunkenly lip synching to disco. In the next scene, the three are on the ferry headed home, and Charlotte is wooting and swinging around on a pole. She drunkenly gabbles about how smart, nice, and pretty she is, and declares that Season 3 is the year she's going to meet the perfect man and get married [yep, spoiler]. She then leans over the railing and shrieks, "I'm getting married this year!" and Miranda wryly tells Carrie that if Charlotte falls overboard, she'll never stop laughing. Heh. Me too. Samantha's in the sack with Ricky, moaning very loudly...and that's all I'm gonna say 'bout that. At brunch the next day, Charlotte is in misery with a hangover, and Samantha is gabbling on and on about how wet Ricky got her. She loudly cackles, "Ladies, let me tell you about his cock!" and Charlotte irritably tells her to shut it, and points out that the people at the next table have a child. Samantha makes a face and snarks, "That's their choice" - but Carrie concurs with Charlotte and urges her to "light up on the cock talk until cocktail time". Samantha rolls her eyes and says she merely wanted them to be fully aware that Ricky was every bit the fantasy she had imagined. Charlotte says it's wrong to doink a man just to fulfill a fantasy - which sounded weird coming out of her mouth - but Samantha argues that they pretty much all do that every time they hit the sheets with a man. The gals then start bantering about how irresistible the "hero thing" is, and how sexy firemen always are, blah blah. Charlotte then does a reversal on what she just said five seconds earlier and pronounces, "Women just want to be rescued." They all stare at her in mute faux shock, and she insists it be true...then wails about how exhausted she is from dating losers since the age of fifteen and how ready she is for Mr. Right to stroll into her life, sweep her off her dainty feet, and start financing her much desired luxurious, pampered existence as a rich person's wife. Carrie suggests that perhaps women have to save themselves, and that they're "the white knight"...and Charlotte holds her head in her hands and moans about what a depressing thought that is. Back in her apartment, Carrie ponders the notion of a fairy tale and can't help but wonder if there's a delicate, fragile princess inside every confident single woman just waiting to be saved. Could Charlotte be right? she wonders bewilderedly, then taps out on her computer: Do women just want to be rescued? Yes, Carrie, I'm sure they do. No doubt every woman in New York is mirroring your friends' current crisis of trying to balance a need for independence with a conflicting need to have a man in her life. Miranda is getting a consultation about her upcoming laser eye surgery. The doctor tells her she'll need to enlist the help of a friend to pick her up after the surgery and take her home. She is then to take two sleeping pills, sleep for twelve hours, and will wake up to perfect vision. Miranda insists she'll be fine without the aid of a friend, but the doctor insists she'll need someone. That night, Miranda tells Steve all about the surgery, and he offers to be her aide. She says she's already asked Carrie, and he looks hurt and insists, "But I'm offering." When she invites him up to her apartment, he asks whassup with their doinking, and she answers him by giving him a big smooch. Carrie and Charlotte are at an upscale bar on the East Side of Manhattan, searching for a white knight. Charlotte spots a preppy looking blonde man and giddily tells Carrie she has to meet him. An annoying, boorish uggo suddenly appears in front of them, ogles Charlotte, and chirps, "Hi beautiful! I'm JJ. Can I buy those sweet lips a drink?" Charlotte says they were just leaving...and then she and Carrie relocate to the opposite end of the bar. When JJ returns a few minutes later and hits on Charlotte again, she outright tells him she's not interested...and the blonde preppy guy overhears the exchange and tells JJ to stop harassing the pretty lady. When JJ persists, the blonde guy punches him and knocks him to the floor. He apologizes to Charlotte for having to witness that unpleasantness, and she stares at him, looking helplessly entranced. When they introduce themselves, she learns that his name is Arthur and that he's an investment banker. Carrie struts down the street, looking like a cheap hooker in her tacky fur coat, thigh high boots, and mini skirt...voice-overing about how she just maxed out her credit cards buying Jimmy Choo shoes. Considering the pittance she has to be making as a sex columnist for a shitty tabloid rag, she really is an irresponsible moron with money. She finds Roger Sterling waiting on her front steps clutching a voter registration form and snarks, "You're not seriously here." He counters her bitchitude by asking for a favor: accompany him to a fundraising schmoozefest in Staten Island tonight. He says he'll come by around seven...but there's absolutely no pressure if she doesn't want to come. Carrie has to back out of being Miranda's aide after her laser eye surgery 'cause she suddenly has a deadline (sounds like bad time management skills) - but, for some reason, Miranda still doesn't call Steve to help her out. Charlotte is out for lunch with Arthur, and the two chat about Harvard, mutual acquaintances, and the importance of well-pedigreed, pretty white people hooking up. Some guy sitting behind Charlotte accidentally bumps her chair, and Arthur confronts him, wigs out, and punches him for his impudence...and then threatens the waitress when she comes over to ask whaddup with him punching another customer. A horrified Charlotte quickly realizes that her white knight is just an off-kilter bully who likes to start fights...and she beats a hasty retreat. Steve arrives at the doctor's office after Miranda's eye surgery, explains to an irked Miranda that Carrie called him, then takes her home and puts her to bed...and, naturally, she bitchily snaps at him the entire time. Twelve hours later, Miranda wakes up to perfect vision...and the vision of Steve sleeping in bed beside her. Ricky invites Samantha to hang with him and his firemen buddies at the station, and she flounces over in a ridiculous feathered blue thing over a tacky, skin tight dress. When she makes her grand entrance in the TV room, the firemen all turn around at once and stare at her in weird fascination, then shrug disinterestedly and resume watching their basketball game. Bwahahaha!!! A miffed Samantha soon realizes that this isn't at all the "firehouse fantasy" she had in mind [can't imagine what that would be, exactly]. Ricky appears and invites her have a seat...and as the firemen continue to ignore her, all she could think about was how desperate she was to be rescued from this situation. But apparently not desperate enough to make up an excuse and leave. Carrie is in her apartment, all dressed up and puffing away on a cigarette. Roger Sterling calls to let her know that he has arrived, but she doesn't answer the phone...and eventually he drives off. She then calls Miranda and wails about how she doesn't know what she's doing, and explains that she's all dressed up to go out with the politician, but didn't have the courtesy to answer the phone when he came by to pick her up. Miranda pretends to give a rat's ass about Carrie's dating angst and correctly guesses that she's terrified of getting hurt again, and Carrie mulls that over and abruptly says, "OK, gotta go!" In the next scene, she's on the Staten Island ferry, thinking about how "burned" she got from Big [even though it was always pretty clear he was never that into her] and is now acting like an annoying drama queen about the prospect of getting into another relationship. Carrie arrives at the fundraising schmoozefest...and Roger Sterling greets her with a happy grin. She makes it clear that she's merely here as a concerned citizen, aka not as a date. She then admits that, yeah, she did just endure a bad breakup and will need to take things slow. Fire station. Samantha slides down the fire pole, which amuses doltish Ricky...and in the next scene, they're both naked and frenetically bumping uglies against a fire truck. Afterwards, Samantha slips into a pair of fireman pants and poses sexily for Ricky - just as all hell breaks loose when the alarm suddenly goes off and all the firemen rush downstairs. One of the men yells at Samantha, "Get the fuck outa my fucking gear!" and Samantha hastily slips out of it, carefully covering her privates with her hands as though she's a woman with a single scrap of modesty. Carrie tells Roger Sterling she wants to leave the schmoozefest, but urges him to stay and do his thing. A few seconds later, the two start smooching in the coat check...and then Carrie rushes out to catch the last ferry, which she ends up just missing. She shrieks, "WAIT!" but the ferry continues to float away. Roger pulls up in his black BMW and asks her if she needs a ride, and she accepts by voice-overing/conceding that "sometimes a woman absolutely has to be rescued". She snappishly clarifies to Roger Sterling that he's just driving her home...and he nods in agreement, then scrunches his face in confusion and asks, "Do you have any idea how the fuck we get off this island?" Bwahahaha! Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Carrie and Miranda are at an outdoor flower shop. Carrie is trying to decide which assortment to buy and asks Miranda's opinion, but Miranda's too busy fiddling with her phone to give a rat's ass. When she suddenly spots Steve heading in their direction, she freezes, grabs Carrie's arm and snaps, "Fuck. Steve." Steve smiles over at them, and instead of politely waving back and saying hello like a normal person would, Miranda decides it makes more sense to grab Carrie and drag her along as she makes a run for it. As they scamper off, a confused Steve is all, "Wuh?" and the flower shop guy yells at them for carelessly throwing his flowers on the ground. Miranda debriefs the gals about her near run-in with Steve, and Carrie adds that Steve looked so hurt while they were running off. Miranda says she can't be expected to stand around and chit-chat with a man who's been inside her, then says she doesn't get how people are able to remain friends with exes. Samantha concurs and says that she's such a childishly oversexed freak that she's never been able to maintain a friendship with a man, period, then makes one of her inane, man-hating Sex and the City pronouncements: "Women are for friendship, men are for fucking." Charlotte chimes in and says if a guy doesn't want a relationship with her, he doesn't get to retain her as a platonic friend. Miranda says she'd love to be a lot more gracious after a breakup - but anytime she splits with someone, she'd rather they stop existing. Carrie mutters, "It's so childish", and when Miranda's all, "Wuh?" Carrie hastily says she's not calling her childish (though sort of), but rather the way they all keep dresses they'll never wear again, yet throw away ex-boyfriends. She wails, "Where does the love go?!" and Samantha shoots her a bewildered look and snaps, "To his next girlfriend!" Carrie rejects that notion, as it pertains to hers/Big's situation, and says there's no way that the love she and Big shared is anything close to whatever he has with Natasha. Miranda snickers and remarks that this is the first time she didn't refer to Big's new woman as the idiot stick figure with no soul...which, incidentally, sounds more like a spot-on description of Carrie. Carrie sheepishly tells them she recently spotted Big and Natasha at a cafe and couldn't help but notice how happy they looked together...and seeing it first hand helped convince her that it's truly over between them, and that she's truly OK with that. A few seconds later, they all agree that Natasha is a "totally bullshit name". Carrie's in her apartment, sitting next to her laptop and puffing away on a cigarette. She vacantly stares into space, wondering how possible it is to transform a once passionate love affair into something resembling friendship. She mulls that over for a few seconds, then types, "I couldn't help but wonder, can you be friends with an ex?" On Sunday afternoon, Steve drops by Miranda's apartment to give her the what-for for rudely running away from him the other day. He says, "It was a shitty, shitty thing you did" and Miranda tries to deny doing it, then tearfully admits that she wasn't expecting to run into him, and doesn't do well with ex-boyfriends. She then tells him how much she misses him and wails, "I'm a shitty, shitty person!" - no duh - but then Steve argues that he's the shitty, shitty person for coming over to her apartment to call her shitty. The two laugh at their collective shittiness, and Miranda says, "I miss you" and that whenever anything funny happens, she always wants to tell him about it. He says she still can, and that it's actually possible for them to forge a relationship that doesn't involve bumping and grinding. Miranda mulls over that foreign notion and tentatively agrees to give it a shot. While out for a jog in Central Park, Charlotte sees a brown horse and stares at it nostalgically. It triggers a memory of the last time she was atop her horse Taddy...before he threw her and caused her to break her collarbone. Apparently, she hasn't been on a horse since, which...riveting. Samantha sashays out of her building decked out in a bright red slinky dress. She passes a good looking man, and two lock eyes and stare at each other hungrily. She pauses in front of the nearest store to gather her sensibilities, and the good looking man approaches her and gushes, "You look amaaaazing." Samantha coyly clutches her chest and breathily asks, "Excuse me, but do I know you?" He says no, but figured that since she just brazenly checked him out with her tongue hanging out she'd be a super easy lay. Samantha applauds his directness, so he hands her his card, then grins and says, "Call me." Samantha purrs about his awesome cockiness, then promises to consider it. Carrie decides to give friendship with Mr. Big a try, so she dials his number...but when Natasha answers, she abruptly hangs up. When she remembers that Big has caller ID, she slaps her head for her childish stupidity and quickly dials his number again. This time Big answers and asks her if she just called, and she admits she did and pretends she somehow accidentally got cut off. She asks him how Natasha is doing, and he goes, "Great. How are you?" and she breezily says, "I am A-OK." Big says, "You sound a little nuts" - bwahahaha!! - and Carrie says it's 'cause it's weird being platonic with him...then proposes they go forth in life as friends. Big says he'd like that, especially since he didn't think she'd ever want to hear from him again. The two agree to meet for lunch the next day. Carrie struts into a swanky restaurant wearing a form fitting pink dress. A nervous looking Big greets her with a kiss on the cheek, then trips on some steps as they're being led to their table...and Carrie delights in his obvious nervousness. After the initial awkwardness of trying to act like platonic friends, the two order drinks and spend the next hour exchanging fun banter about their time as a couple. When there's a break in the conversation, Carrie taps on her glass with a spoon and says, "Go ahead, friend. Tell me about the girl." Big looks pleasantly surprised and goes, "Really?" - but when he proceeds to tell her how sweet Natasha is, Carrie cuts him off and barks, "Okay, enough! Don't tell me about the girl. No can do." She suggests a pact: they refrain from telling each other about their relationships until they become serious. Big furrows his brows and replies, "It is serious. We're engaged." Carrie's despondently stares into space as she digests the shocking news, then drops her head in her hands and moans, "Aaahhhh...I just got a splitting headache." Big says he wasn't sure how to tell her the news without risking her going batshit, and she glares at him and snaps, "Engaged??!!" and reminds him that he has a problem with commitment and once declared he never wanted to get married again, ever. He mumbles, "Things change" and Carrie snaps, "What? You just didn't want to marry me!" Well, d'yuh. Big starts to say, "Natasha and I - " but Carrie cuts him off by screeching, "Don't you dare say her name to me!!" then leaps up from her chair and knocks it over when her purse straps get all tangled up. She accuses him of stringing her along for two years, only to run off to Paris to hook up with and propose to a twenty-five year old he's only known for five months. When Big tries to help her untangle her purse, she shrieks, "Don't you help me!" and storms off...and while she's doing that, she nearly trips on the same steps that Big stumbled on earlier. She bitchily admonishes the waitstaff for the dangerous stairs, then storms toward the exit. OMFG - what a deranged, self-absorbed, histrionic lunatic this woman is. Carrie goes to a horse stable with Charlotte...but she turns out to be lousy company: puffing on her stupid cigarette and bitching about getting horse poo on her tacky $300 shoes. Charlotte wanks her about how amazing she is in how she's handling the Big news (?) then says, "I would be in a hospital or something." When the stable guy brings over a gorgeous horse for Charlotte to ride, Carrie complains about his whinnying, then goes on a bitter, nonsensical rant about how she broke Big in, and the idiot stick figure with no soul gets to ride him. She then bitches again about getting horse poo on her shoes. I'm amazed that no one on staff at the stables didn't get fed up enough about her attitude or smoking to at least threaten to throw her out. Charlotte nervously tries to mount the horse, then decides she can't go through with the ride after all. She mutters, "No...can't..." and pulls Carrie with her as she flees the stable. Samantha and Mr. Cocky are about to hit the sheets. She tells him she never picks up guys on the street (not counting the times she's streetwalking) unless they're very cute, then purrs at him to join her on the bed. Mr. Cocky says that before they proceed, he needs to warn her about the ginormous size of his penis. Samantha perks up and starts purring in earnest, so her warns her that he's very very huge, and most women can't handle his oversized meat. Samantha coos, "I'm not most women" then orders him to unzip his pants and bring his monstrous cock over to the bed. Mr. Cocky drops his pants, and Samantha's all, "Ack!" and looks aghast. Samantha tells Carrie that the sight of Mr. Cocky's cock was shocking, and that it looked like a wall of flesh coming at her. She adds she's definitely going to have to psych herself up before trying to impale herself with that thing again. Steve and Miranda hang out at her apartment after going out for dinner. He insists on getting his FDNY t-shirt back, and Miranda whines about how she really loves it, but then reluctantly gives it back to him. He thanks her for going to dinner with him, then leans in and gives her a cheek kiss...which leads to a neck kiss...which then leads to them rolling around on her peach colored bed sheets. In the next scene, they're both sitting in her bed, post coitus, looking bewildered. They discuss their reasons for breaking up, and Steve seems to now regret that decision and asks Miranda to clarify what they are to each other now. Miranda tells him they're friends...who just happen to have sex. Samantha psychs herself up for Mr. Cocky's cock by smoking a joint and doing lamaze style breathing exercises. She tells him he may begin doinking her now...but before he's able to do any penetrating, she chickens out and asks him if they could just be friends. Mr. Cocky grunts sadly and collapses on top of her. Charlotte is in Central Park, walking a horse and feeding him carrots. When she finally feels brave enough, she mounts him and starts trotting through the park. Thank goodness that pointless subplot has been resolved. For some God-only-knows-why reason, Mr. Big calls up Carrie...and looks dismayed when he gets her answering machine. He gabbles about how bad he feels about what happened at lunch, and that he didn't mean to break the news about his engagement like that. Please. Carrie would never not have gone ape-shit, regardless of how the news was delivered. Carrie, meanwhile, is standing in her apartment, hovering over the phone as she carefully listens to Big. He tells her he's sorry and wouldn't deliberately hurt her, and she snatches up the receiver and says, "I know you wouldn't." She apologizes for behaving like a total lunatic in the restaurant, then concedes that maybe it really is time to move on. Ya think?? She wishes him all the best and hopes that someday they can all meet for a drink and be great friends...like people do in the movies. Carrie is sitting on her bed, going through a stack of mail. One of the items is an invitation to Big's and Natasha's engagement party. She glares at it hatefully and shoves it off of her bed with her foot. Carrie is out for drinks with the gals, rambling on and on about how her ex is at the Plaza Hotel, six blocks away, enjoying his engagement brunch. She glumly says she can feel them over there as they eat shrimp (?), then moans, "Why her???" Miranda brightens as though she just stumbled onto a brilliant theory and says, "One word: Hubbell." When Samantha scrunches her face in confusion, Miranda elaborates, "Hubbell Gardiner in The Way We Were", then explains that in the famous movie he dumps the curly haired girl, Katie, to marry a much prettier, more elegant girl with straight hair. Carrie gasps and shrieks, "I'm a Katie girl!" and Charlotte chimes in and says she always cries at the last scene when Katie says, "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell." The three then sing Memories, which goes on way too long and becomes tedious to watch. Samantha glances around, hoping that the other customers aren't laughing too hard at the embarrassing spectacle...and then, out of nowhere she cries, "I miss James!" Er...OK, but didn't you dump him 'cause his dick was too small? Carrie struts over to the Plaza and watches as Big gets Natasha settled into the limo. Before he can climb inside, he spots Carrie and ambles over to her, saying, "The party's over." Carrie mutters, "I'll say it is" then pretends that she just happened to be walking by on her way home. She stares at him mournfully and asks, "Why wasn't it me?" - OMFG - and Big winces and stammers, "I dunno. It just got so hard. And she's - " and Carrie quickly says, "Yeah." As Natasha stares over at her fiance and his stalker, Carrie touches Big's face and smarmily says, "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell." A confused Big goes, "I don't get it" and Carrie retorts, "You never did", then whirls around on her tacky heels and struts off, smirking stupidly. She then caps off Season 2 by spouting the most pitifully self-serving, delusional nonsense yet to be uttered on Sex and the City: "Maybe I didn't break Big. Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me. Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they need to run free until they find someone...just as wild to run with." Or maybe Big just dumped you for a nicer, more mentally stable woman, asshole. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Charlotte is offered the chance to take over a Hamptons share from a group of dysfunctional friends...but when she excitedly floats the idea to the Sex and the City gals over brunch, they look less than enthused. Miranda says it's pathetic to share a house with your friends once you hit your thirties, and Samantha makes a face and says she concurs. She tells them that her twenty-something assistant, Nina, has a Hamptons share with eighteen other girls...and their sleeping quarters are so tight that they have to sleep (and fuck) in shifts. Charlotte reminds them how dead New York gets in August, and that this summer might be the last time they're all unmarried and childless and have time to hang with each other. Her sweet hopefulness is so endearing that the gals agree to spend what's left of their summer in the Hamptons together. Samantha returns to her PR office and finds Nina loudly talking on the phone to one of her friends. Samantha barks at her to confirm the guest list for an upcoming event...and when Nina rudely ignores her and continues her conversation, Samantha hovers over her and irritably orders her to get back to work. Nina ends the call and haughtily tells Samantha she has personal relationships she needs to maintain during the workday. Plus, she has her career to think about. Samantha tells her that her career is being her assistant...and when Nina responds by rudely joking about the vast difference between their ages, Samantha fires her. Samantha, Miranda, and Carrie are packed up for the beach and ambling over to the Hamptons Jitney. Samantha grumbles about her spoiled, ungrateful ex-assistant who stole her Rolodex after being fired. Carrie reminds her of how skanky, annoying, and self-entitled they all were in their twenties (and will continue to be in their thirties and forties), and urges Samantha to have a little compassion for the younger generation. Charlotte meets up with them at the Jitney pickup place with her flavor of the week: an extremely wet-behind-the-ears looking twenty-six year old named Greg. She covertly tells the gals he thinks she's twenty-seven, and asks them to please help her keep that illusion going. When the gals arrive at their Hamptons share, Samantha glances around with a look of distaste and says it's less shabby chic than it is shitty chic. Miranda complains that the towels, not to mention the entire house, stinks of mildew. Greg drops by to invite the gals to a bonfire on the beach later, and Charlotte grins and exclaims, "Excellent!" At the bonfire that evening, Samantha glances around with dismay and says that while she digs bedding younger men, most of these guys don't even have chest hair. When a girl starts vomiting a few feet from where they're standing, Carrie and Miranda decide they've had enough and want to head back to the house. On their way out, a pretty young brunette named Laurel asks Carrie if she's the Carrie Bradshaw, then gushes about how much she worships her and her shittastic column. She gabbles about how she wants to be a writer and would loooove to get some mentoring from her. She asks Carrie if she could call her up sometime, and a weirded out Carrie's like, "Uh, yeah...sure, OK." She tells Laurel that even though she'll be really busy this summer (tapping out raunchy nonsense on her laptop), she'd be willing to devote some time trying to pass herself of as an appropriate mentor for an impressionable, twenty-something girl. The following morning, Miranda opens the front door and gets angry when she sees vomit on the porch. She's like, "What the fuck?!" so Charlotte, who spent the night on the couch, sleepily explains that Stacy and Holly did too many jello shots last night. Miranda snaps, "What are you, twenty-five now?" and when Greg's head pops up from behind the couch, Charlotte glares at Miranda and sternly retorts, "No. Twenty-seven." Carrie is back in her apartment, perusing photos of herself when she was a twenty-something...which, yikes. She then sits at her computer desk, and can't help but wonder a couple of things:
Carrie stares at her computer screen, thinking so deeply about her contrived "them versus us" brand of idiocy that she subtly shakes her head from side to side as she taps out, "Twenty-something girls...friend or foe?" That evening, Carrie begins her mentoring of Laurel by letting her tag along to a book party. Laurel lays it on thick about how she can't belieeeeeeve she's out with Carrie Bradshaw and chirps, "It's too cool!" Carrie tells her to stop (yes, Laurel...PLEASE STOP) otherwise her head is going to swell. Laurel asks her if she thinks it's completely ridiculous to write a personal memoir when you're only twenty-five (yes, it is), then explains that her memoir will focus on the trend among a growing number of twenty-something girls to save themselves for marriage. Carrie stares at her in bewildered disbelief and says, "You mean to tell me you're a virgin???" then asks if her definition of virginity includes giving blow jobs, hand jobs, receiving anal penetration, etc. Laurel gets irked and makes it clear that she hasn't yet engaged in any of that stuff either...and Carrie is so flummoxed by the notion of a cute, twenty-something girl not hopping into bed with every available cocksman within a twenty mile radius that she faintly declares, "I need a drink." Laurel eagerly offers to get it for her and chirps, "Cosmopolitan, right?" A dorkish looking man with a friendly disposition approaches Carrie, introduces himself as Dr. Bradley Meego (the author's doctor), and then goes on and on about how thrilled he is to meet the Carrie Bradshaw....'cause, yeah, I'm sure her sex column is something all the Manhattan doctors know about and clamber to read every week. The two chat about summering in the Hamptons (turns out Bradley has a house there), and he asks if he can call her some time. She hesitates for a few seconds, then gives him permission to drop by the beach tomorrow, where she and her friends will be sunning themselves under a huge yellow umbrella. Bradley asks, "What if it rains?" and a perturbed Carrie calls him persistent and reluctantly writes down her number and hands it to him. As he says goodbye and ambles off, Laurel returns with Carrie's Cosmopolitan, marvels at her ability to attract such a fox at a book party, and gushes about how she's "got it goin' on'". [Correction: Carrie's got exactly nuthin' goin' on...and while Bradley seems like a very nice man, there's nothing remotely foxy about his dorkishness.] The next day, Samantha, Miranda, and Carrie are sitting in beach loungers under the huge yellow umbrella, watching with dismay as a nearby row of sexy twenty-something girls tan their lithe bodies under the blazing sun. Bradley spots the yellow umbrella, jogs over, and politely says hello, and Carrie introduces him to the gals. After a quick chat, Bradley announces he's going for a quick dip and then runs off. As Carrie stares after him, she tells the gals he's cute and all, but isn't sure if she's really all that interested. Samantha tells her she shouldn't discount him so quickly, given that he's OK looking, polite, and has a house in the Hamptons...but then agrees he could end up being one of those men who looks good on paper, but is bad in bed. [Keep running, Bradley, runnnnnnnnnnn!!!] Charlotte and Greg, who were frolicking together in the ocean, scamper over...and Charlotte excitedly gabbles about how awesome the water is. Carrie urges her to put on some sunscreen 'cause her skin is starting to look lobster-like, but Charlotte breezily insists she never burns. Miranda decides she's had enough of the beach and announces that she's off to the market. During a walk along the beach, Bradley invites Carrie to dinner, and when she bitchily snaps, "I can't abandon my friends", he politely suggests she stop by his house after dinner so they can shoot the breeze on his front porch. It's a mystery why a nice doctor, dorkish though he is, would want to waste any amount of time trying to woo a prickly skank like Carrie. When the gals reconvene at the house, Miranda happily announces that she picked up fresh corn and seafood for dinner...then tells Carrie in a hushed tone that her groupie can't stay 'cause she only bought enough food for the four of them. Carrie's like, "Laurel is here??" and rushes upstairs to see whassup with the needy girl. Samantha wigs out when she receives an invitation in the mail from "Nina G" (her ex-assistant). Apparently, she's hosting a hoe-down that's being financed by a group of local millionaires, and used Samantha's stolen Rolodex to put together the guest list. Upstairs, Laurel is polishing Carrie's toe nails - someone please get this girl a life or friends her own age - and gabbling to her about how women in previous generations (e.g. Carrie and her gal pals) have cheapened and devalued sex to the point that they doink every man who crosses their paths, and then talk about them disparaging over brunch the next day. She says she's devoted to remaining a virgin until Mr. Right comes along, then mocks women (e.g. Carrie and her gal pals) who "wag their pussy at every good looking stud who walks by". Bwahahahaha!! Carrie stares back at her in perplexed bewilderment and goes, "And what is it you like about my column?" (right??)...but before Laurel can respond, Charlotte rushes in to show Carrie the "tick" on her stomach, which turns out to be crabs. Ew. Carrie flees the crab infestation by rushing over to Bradley's house. He happily tells her she may have to spend the night, and she haughtily replies, "I'm just going to sleep." Bradley jokes about how all the women say that...but as soon as the lights are off, they go straight for his pajamas. Carrie forces out a weak chuckle and agrees to not rape him. The gals arrive at Nina G's Hampton's hoe-down. Samantha looks around and is dismayed to see all the A-listers in attendance she's never able to get to come to her various PR events. She then sighs and says she'd better go congratulate Nina, since she's resigned to the possibility that she may need to be hired by her someday. Charlotte, meanwhile, confronts Greg about giving her crabs...and he retorts by admonishing her for lying about her age - something he discovered when he sneaked a peek at her driver's license. He says in a faux hurt voice, "You deceived me!" and she shoots him the stink eye, snarks, "Oh, grow up", and stalks off. Samantha congratulates Nina on her new gig and wishes her best of luck in her PR career. A few seconds later, one of the millionaires paying for the party comes over and rebukes Nina for not doing a better job of keeping the young people from the older guests...and then a bunch of other people come over with other bitchy complaints. Suddenly, fireworks start to go off, and Nina hears them and wails, "That wasn't supposed to happen until midnight!" She begs Samantha to help her through this First World crisis, so Samantha loudly claps her hands to get everyone's attention, announces the start of the fireworks, and herds everyone outside...then needlessly introduces Nina to Greg. Laurel runs into Carrie and shows her the necklace she just got that features her name - just like Carrie's Carrie necklace! Yay! Now you're both tacky freaks. Carrie murmurs, "That's nice", tells her she's off to find her date, then beats a hasty retreat. While she's fleeing Laurel, she spots - ack! - Mr. Big standing several feet away, chatting with a gorgeous brunette. Carrie stumbles toward them and spacily asks, "Is it you?" and Big is like, "Ack!" then tries to look all nonchalant and casual as he goes, "Oh...hey. What are you doing here?" Carrie widens her eyes and goes, "What am I doing here? What are you doing here?" so he explains that he just returned from Paris this week, and then introduces her to Natasha, the gorgeous brunette standing next to him. Natasha politely says hello and that she's heard so much about her, and Carrie stares at the ground and mutters, "Oh, really..?" Big tells Carrie that Natasha's parents have a house in the Hamptons, which is where they're staying for the weekend. When Carrie just continues to stare at him with a sad, mournful expression on her horsey face, Natasha deftly excuses herself, and says, "It was nice to meet you." Once she's out of earshot, Carrie unloads to Big about how stunned and confused she is, then asks him who the hell Natasha is. Big tells her she's a girl he met in Paris, is everything Carrie isn't (lovely, classy, elegant), and works for Ralph Lauren in New York. He then breaks the news that he's back in New York permanently 'cause the Paris deal fell through. He claims he had planned on calling her so she wouldn't find out about his new relationship in an awkward manner - but Carrie just continues to glare at him and asks him how old Natasha is. Big's like, "I dunno...twenty-six, twenty-seven." Carrie nods bitterly, says, "See ya" and abruptly stalks off...and Big weakly promises to call, though I'm not sure why that's necessary anymore. As the fireworks light the sky, Carrie runs onto the beach and glares into space. Miranda runs after her and asks her if she's OK, and Carrie wails, "Noooo! I just ran into Big. He's back from Paris with his new twenty-six year old girlfriend." Bwahahahahahahaha!!! In yer face! As Miranda digests that delightful nugget, Carrie bends over and vomits...then caps off the episode with the sad voice-over: "Twenty-something girls are fabulous...until you see one with the man who broke your heart." Bwahahahaha!! Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Charlotte is in bed with her latest hookup (an orthopedic surgeon)...and in mid-doink he falls asleep atop her. When she hears him snoring, she gasps, "Oh my God!" and the surgeon explains that he's really tired from the long surgery he performed earlier that day. In the next scene, Charlotte's over at Carrie's apartment, wailing about the snooze-infused doink, and deduces that she must be very horrible in bed. Either that or the surgeon was genuinely very tired after performing a long surgery. Carrie winces sympathetically and offers to make her some tea. Carrie blabs Charlotte's shameful secret to Samantha, and Samantha nods knowingly and says, "Of course she's bad in bed." She cites Charlotte's form on the stairmaster as proof and says, "Nothing happens below the waist." Samantha brags that, unlike Charlotte, she gets affirmations for her baloney riding abilities all the time. Case in point: just last week, her two gay friends, David and David, asked her to engage in a threesome with them 'cause they suddenly want to experiment with heterosexual sex. We then get a flashback of this nauseating conversation, which occurred when Samantha went out to dinner with the Davids. They ask her if she's seeing anyone special right now (very funny, Davids) and Samantha says no, then perks up and asks them if they have a hot guy for her. They simultaneously say, "Two", and then stare at her with creepish intensity. They tell her that of all the fuckable women they know, she undoubtedly has the most mileage in the sack, and is therefore as familiar with the male genitalia as a woman could possibly be. Carrie looks aghast and blurts out, "They're gay!" and Samantha shrugs and pronounces that soon everyone will be pan-sexual, and that "orientation" will no longer matter. Carrie sits in her apartment, contemplatively staring into space as she wonders whether people are secretly being graded every time they hit the sack. As she starts tapping on her computer, she voice-overs a series of moronic questions for hapless Sex and the City viewers to chew on:
As Carrie struts around the Village in a tacky sundress, she gets hit in the arm by a lit cigarette and yelps in pain...and even though the guy who tossed the cigarette profusely apologizes for the unintended mishap, she goes on and on about it and at one point refers to herself as a burn victim. Eventually she notices how cute the cigarette thrower is...and when the two introduce themselves, she learns that his name is Patrick. He invites her out for coffee...and in the next scene the two are at an outdoor cafe, drinking coffee, puffing on cigarettes, and gabbling about their lives. After the conversation runs its course, Carrie says she has to get going...but as she's sashaying off, she thinks about how cute and funny Patrick is, then turns around and leaves him her phone number. Three days later, Carrie is over at Miranda's place, helping her make up her bed with a new set of peach colored sheets. Miranda's theory is that if she makes a bed people want to be in, she might get laid a lot more frequently. Carrie complains that Patrick still hasn't called, then wonders if it's 'cause she's ugly...and even though it's entirely within the realm of possibility (I've never met a man who wasn't at least a little freaked out by SJP's looks), Miranda tut tuts her for putting herself down. While shopping in the Village, Carrie spots Patrick chatting with a guy. She goes over and remarks on how he's standing in the street smoking, and he's all, "Wha-a?" and gives her a funny look, as does the guy he's talking to. Patrick brusquely says they're in the middle of something, so Carrie abruptly says goodbye and rushes off, suitably embarrassed. Patrick chases after her, and she moans about how she clearly just interrupted a conversation between him and his lover. Patrick tells her he's not gay - but confesses to being a recovering alcoholic...and explains that the guy he was talking to is a troubled friend he met at AA. He then explains that he never called her 'cause his sponsor told him he shouldn't get involved with anyone until after he's been sober for a year...and he's currently eleven months into the process. And instead of leaving it there, he decides to throw all caution and sensibility to the wind and goes, "Ah, what the hell!" and Carrie urges him to give her a call and ask her out sometime soon. On their first date, Carrie and Patrick go for coffee, and as they stroll along the street afterwards, Patrick discusses his compulsive nature. He says when he eats potato chips he generally eats the whole bag (um, that's not compulsive behavior - but a testament to the deliciousness of potato chips), and Carrie says she's the same way about fugly, overpriced shoes. When they arrive at her apartment, she thanks him for the coffee and leans in for a smooch...but he jerks his head away from her and abruptly ambles off. Carrie scrunches her face in puzzlement, then goes upstairs. The same thing happens on their next date...and by the third date she's about to throw in the towel, but suddenly changes her mind and forcibly smooches him. After they make out for awhile, she invites him upstairs, and he confesses he's never actually had sex sober before, and has no idea how good it'll be. After mulling it over for a few seconds, he decides to give it a shot...and in the next scene, the two are in bed, where Patrick is orgasmically shrieking, "Sex is amaaaaaazing! Feels so fucking amaaaaaazing!" then stands up on the bed and jumps up and down while yelling, "Wooooooo!!" He tells Carrie she's the best, and she smugly retorts, "I aim to please." The two then share a cigarette, and Carrie giggles delightedly when Patrick asks her if she's up for another doink. The next day at brunch, Carrie orders a huge breakfast and explains that she's super hungry 'cause she and Patrick went at it all night. Charlotte sighs deeply and tells the gals not to mind her depression about being lousy in the sack, and Miranda half-heartedly assures her she's probably just fine in bed. Charlotte reminds her that a guy fell asleep while they were in mid-doink and that she's accepted her shortcomings...which is why she registered herself (along with the three of them) for a tantric sex workshop. They reluctantly agree to accompany her, and Samantha lets out a guffaw and quips, "I could teach the class!" As Samantha primps for her threesome with the Davids, she wonders if she truly is capable of being this sexually free. She decides she wants to discuss it some more, so she heads to the bedroom - and is stunned by the sight of two very toned Davids in matching tighty whities, staring at her expectantly. They ooh and aww and compliment her beauty, and she grins smugly and says, "What the hell" and the three climb into bed and begin foreplay. As the Davids' tongues work their way down Samantha's scantily clad body, they suddenly stop and decide they can't bring themselves to do it after all. Samantha's all, "Wuh? We were just getting started" but the Davids are no long into it and offer to take her out for dessert instead. Samantha stares worriedly into space, suddenly doubting her sex appeal to men. Carrie tells Patrick she has to take a break from their doinkfest in order to attend a tantric sex workshop with her friends. Patrick jokes that she doesn't need any training, and wants to have another quick romp. Carrie remarks that they've been having a lot of sex lately...then couldn't help but wonder if his compulsive nature was driving him more than his attraction to her. That would be my guess, yes. As the gals wait for the tantric sex class - which is being held in a private apartment - to begin, Carrie tells Miranda she suspects that Patrick has replaced drinking with sex. Samantha, meanwhile, is bummed that the Davids had no interest in penetrating her after all, and Charlotte shushes them as she prepares to take notes on how to please a man. The female instructor demonstrates how to massage a man in a manner that awakens his root chakra...and when the gals burst into giggles at the term root chakra, the instructor snaps at them to compose themselves. As she intensifies her massage and brings the man to the cusp of orgasm, an intrigued Miranda gasps and murmurs, "Oh my God...he's going to..." and then dickspit squirts in her direction and - ewwww!! - gets all in her face and hair. As Samantha and Carrie laugh hysterically, Miranda looks at them blankly and goes, "What..?" and somehow doesn't notice that she's covered with jizz splatter. Patrick declares his love for Carrie as they stroll to her place after seeing a movie. She makes a face and goes, "Wow.." so he asks if it's too soon for declarations of love. She reminds him they've only been going out "for a minute", but he insists it's definitely love. She suggests they spend a couple of nights apart...and Patrick immediately gets twitchy and uncomfortable. She firmly says, "Call me tomorrow" and heads up the stairs to her apartment, and he stares up at her in bewilderment and asks what he's supposed to do now. She suggests that he attend an AA meeting, then assures him she'll see him next week. Charlotte is performing a tantric penile massage on her orthopedic surgeon lover, and he shrieks about how awesome she is in bed. Kudos, Charlotte! A+! Miranda, meanwhile, is relaxing on her bed, going through a box of tissue as she compulsively wipes at the area of her hair where the tantric sex demonstrator's jizz squirted. Carrie wakes up to the sound of a very drunk Patrick screaming obscenities outside her apartment. She rushes over to the window and asks whassup, and he yells, "You bitch! I loved you! You didn't love me!" He then strips off all his clothes and takes off down the street to eventually start his 12-step program all over again. Weeks later, Patrick wrote Carrie an apology letter to make amends. She never saw him again - as usually happens with the males who guest star on Sex and the City - but couldn't help but wonder if he managed to stay sober...and if she was really that good in bed or if it was the temporary sobriety talking. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Carrie voice-overs that everyone has a worst nightmare...and as Miranda works out, we learn that her worst nightmare is family hour at the gym. While she's lifting weights, a little boy runs over and tickles her abdomen, then runs off giggling...and when the camera pans out, we see that there are tiny children everywhere, playing amid all the weights and exercise equipment. A vexed Miranda stomps toward the elevator, in which a father and son are standing. The father asks Miranda to refrain from pushing the button 'cause his kid likes to do it, and Miranda crustily tells the kid, "OK, but push 1 'cause I'm kind of in a rush." Naturally, the kid pushes all the buttons (pun intended), and Miranda pretends to not be annoyed 'cause of how cute the father is. He sheepishly jokes that his kid's brattiness is probably a phase caused by an over-indulgent divorced father. The two introduce themselves, and Miranda learns that his name is Roger Cobb, that he's single and looking, and that his brat's name is Simon. Roger asks Miranda for her phone number...and as she flirtily gives it to him, Simon wets his pants in protest. Later, Miranda laments to the gals about how her latest hookup is used goods, then says she generally doesn't like things that aren't brand spanking new. Samantha nods sympathetically and says that divorced men do come with baggage - and Miranda says she doesn't mind the baggage as much as she does the kid part. Charlotte says that just 'cause a man is divorced, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, then cites her brother Wesley as an example. Apparently, Wesley is separated from his wife Leslie...and the gals start cackling and punning at the rhyming names. Charlotte gets miffed and says if they don't stop mocking Wesley and Leslie, she's not going to introduce them to her sainted brother...and Carrie half-heartedly promises that they'll do their best to stop their ridiculing. Carrie meets up with her current fling, Justin Theroux, who guest stars as a fiction writer. He tells her he needs to drop of some books at his parents' place...and a few minutes later, the two arrive at a lovely townhouse. Carrie's like, "Ack! I'm not dressed appropriately for family", which...well d'yuh, but Justin's like, "You look fine...whatever" and ushers her up the stairs. He introduces her to his extraordinarily friendly sisters and mother, Valerie Harper. When Valerie learns that she's in the presence of Carrie Bradshaw, she gasps and exclaims, "Oh my God!" and yells at her husband, Duncan, to get his ass in here and meet the slutty sex columnist their son is dating. She gushes to Carrie about how she loves loves loves her column, and suggests that she devote a column to re-virginization. [Sorry, Val - but Carrie's column is devoted to raunchiness for raunchiness's sake and nonsensical pronouncements that pertain only to her and her friends.] Duncan lumbers into the room, calls Carrie "an icon" (which was nauseating), and invites her to speak at a seminar he's currently teaching. As the family prepares to sit down and eat, they urge Justin and Carrie to join them...and Carrie grins at Justin and tells him she'd really like to stay. Central Park. Miranda is strolling with Roger while Simon scampers about. The two talk about the various kinds of people they've dated in the past, blah blah...and as they're doing that, Simon races by and whacks Miranda in the head with a tree branch, which made me laugh out loud. Roger tells Miranda that it's hard to date much as a single parent, then lays it on thick about how he's one of those rare men who prefers being married and likes stability and routine. Miranda stares at him dreamily and says she definitely likes the sound of that...and then Simon interrupts the tender moment to give Miranda the gift of a worm. Charlotte has just baked a batch of oversized muffins for Wesley, but he grumbles that he'd much prefer a cocktail. Charlotte urges him to work things out with Leslie, but he ignores that suggestion and sourly asks her when she last had a long-term relationship...and this is effective in shutting Charlotte up. Carrie and Justin Theroux burst into her apartment and start going at it, tearing off each other's clothes until they're both stripped down to their underwear. When Carrie pins Justin against the wall and canoodles him, he begins thrusting his pelvis and prematurely ejaculates in his boxers...and Carrie's like, "Oh..? Eww.." and awkwardly hands him a tissue. When Carrie blabs to the girls about Justin's exploding penis, Samantha orders her to dump him immediately...and Carrie says she'd consider it if she weren't falling so deeply in love with his family. Samantha perks up at that and inquires, "Anyone there you can fuck?" as if that's not a completely deranged thing to ask. Miranda, meanwhile, is perplexed that there's a precedent for a boyfriend's family members to not be an obstacle to a relationship. Carrie is back in her apartment, writing this week's installment of her shittastic column. She ponderingly wonders how many people become emotionally involved when two people start dating, then taps out: "When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family?" Carrie meets up with Valerie Harper at a restaurant...and when Valerie gabbles on and on about her adventurous life, Carrie goes, "Wow!" and says she barely has a life. Valerie wanks Carrie about how her column is an important contribution in terms of relentlessly dialoguing about sex, and that she's really "putting it out there". She credits Carrie for being "frank and honest about sex", and says it's the way she raised her children to be so they'd feel as though they could talk to her about anything. Carrie beams at all the nauseating praise and says, "May I just say, I like you very much" and Valerie looks touched and goes, "Oooh...that's dear." Charlotte takes Wesley out to a bar to meet the gals...and when she sees that Carrie has brought along Samantha, she pulls Carrie aside and demands to know why in the hell she let that cheap whore tag along. While that's happening, Wesley and Samantha start chatting, hit it off, and decide to go to a more happening club...and when Charlotte and Carrie decline to go along, Wesley's like, "Yay! We'll go by ourselves!" and Charlotte scrunches her face disapprovingly. Miranda and Roger are canoodling naked in bed, post-coitus. Miranda announces she has to pee and heads down the hall to the bathroom...and is sitting on the toilet, staring dreamily into space, when Simon suddenly bursts in. Miranda shrieks, "NOOO!" and slams the door in his face, and he yelps and then screeches, "Daddeeeee!!" Miranda mutters, "Shit.." and wraps herself in a towel before checking out the aftermath. Simon has a nasty gash on his forehead and is hugging his dad. Miranda profusely apologizes and explains to Roger that she was peeing naked and didn't want to traumatize the kid by allowing him to get an eyeful of that disturbing visual. Roger angrily tells her that Simon probably needs a stitch, so Miranda offers to go to the ER with them. Simon yells, "NOOO!" and hugs his dad tighter, and Roger glares at Miranda and tells her it would be best if she left. Charlotte enters her kitchen and finds Samantha - ack! - dressed in nothing but a t-shirt, standing on a chair as she searches the cupboards for coffee filters. Charlotte gasps in justifiable horror and wails, "You slept with my brother?!" and Samantha purrs about what an absolute doll he is. Charlotte stares at her in bewildered disgust and blurts out, "Is your vagina in the New York City guidebooks?! Because it should be! It's the hottest spot in town. It's always open!" Samantha glares back at her, clearly unable to fathom why it would ick her friend out that she bumped uglies with her brother and is now standing half naked in her kitchen. When Wesley tentatively enters the kitchen and asks whassup, Samantha storms out...and Charlotte tries to explain to her brother why it's gross that he would doink a prostitute-level whore like Samantha. Carrie and Justin Theroux are laying on her bed, chillin' in their underwear. She gabbles about the lovely lunch she had with his mom - and he wryly says he's not in the mood to talk about his mom...or anything at all. Carrie's hand travels below his waist - no, Carrie, noooo! - and he cries, "Don't touch it!" then prematurely blows his wad once again. Carrie's like, "Oh..? Eww.." and hands him a tissue. Wesley snipes at Charlotte for driving Samantha away, so she explains that her slutty friend has more notches on her bedpost than any woman in history, and urges him again to work things out with Leslie. Wesley snaps, "No!" and says his wife is so frigid that she refused to hit the sheets with him for two years - and Charlotte gasps at the horror of two years of sexlessness and cries, "Oh my God!" Wesley says he desperately needed a night of mindless sex...and reminds her that Samantha, while obnoxiously oversexed, is still her friend. Charlotte seeks Samantha's forgiveness by bringing a basket of oversized muffins over to her apartment. Samantha glares at her and makes snide jokes about her vagina expecting a tour group soon - which...well, d'yuh - but then is quickly won over by the freshly baked muffins, and she and Charlotte hug it out. On the following Sunday, Miranda does her best to avoid the hordes of screaming children at her gym. She enters the elevator with a mother and son...and when the mother asks her to refrain from pushing the buttons 'cause her son really likes doing it, Miranda snarls, "Yeah? So do I" and pushes the "1" button. Justin Theroux checks out Carrie as she sits on her bed in a cleavage-baring tank top and reads his latest book. He tells her she looks extremely sexy, then sits beside her and leans in for a smooch. She cautions him to slow down so he doesn't squirt in his usual premature fashion...and he gets annoyed by her asexual coddling. When she urges him to talk about his penis problems, he grumbles about how sick he is of talking about sex all the time. He then gets up and snaps that they should get going, 'cause his parents are expecting them. At the family townhouse, Justin moodily storms around, acting pissy and irritated by the spread laid out in the kitchen. Duncan quietly asks Carrie why he's being so edgy, but she just shrugs helplessly. When his snappishness hits a breaking point, Carrie says she suddenly remembered that she has a deadline and needs to be going. She thanks them for lunch (and everything), then gets up and sashays out of the room in a jarringly skin-tight dress. Valerie Harper rushes after her and asks her what happened...then comes right out and says she's well aware of her son's premature ejaculation issues. Apparently his last girlfriend wasn't the discreet type. Carrie looks horrified and mutters, "This is too weird.." but Valerie insists that it's best to just laugh in a situation like this. She advises Carrie to work things out with Justin, and Carrie says she'd be willing (sort of) - but he refuses to talk about his penile shortcomings. Valerie tells her there are much more important things in life than a great sex life...like being part of a really cool family, for example. Carrie stares back at her blankly...then mulls that over and realizes it was going to be very hard to break up with Justin's family. Valerie says they can still be friends - like, for real - and sadly predicts that her next hookup won't have as awesome a mother as she is. The two hug, and Valerie pleads with Carrie to give her a call sometime. As Carrie strolls along, looking like a cheap street hooker in her skin-tight dress, she finds the other Sex and the City gals eating together at a restaurant. She knocks on the window and waves at them, and they hoot at her and motion for her to come inside and join them - which she does...and the episode ends happily ever after. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
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