Recap: Carrie and Aidan are smooching in her doorway, and - OMFG - she's wearing a micro-mini with a wide slit up the side, giving Aidan barrier-free access to her bare buttocks. She voice-overs about how, after four dates, she's waited long enough to hit the sheets...but when she saucily asks Aidan if he wants to sleep over, he's like, "Nah. I have to feed Pete and get up early." Bwahaha! He then kisses her forehead and ambles off, leaving her staring after him in puzzlement.
A horny looking guy knocks on Samantha's door...and when she answers it, she strips off her robe and pulls him inside. The next morning on her way to work, she notices a group of elderly tenants gathered around the doorman's desk...and when she asks whassup, they tell her that one of their tenant friends - an elderly woman - was robbed early this morning. Samantha asks how the perp got in, and haughtily adds, "This is supposed to be a safe building." A police officer plays the surveillance footage, and it looks like the gunman entered the building right behind the man who boned Samantha. She's all, "Ack!", murmurs, "That's terrible..", and inches away. One of the women snaps, "Who has a guest at two in the morning?!" and Samantha wisely flees before anyone can deduce that the 2:00am guest couldn't have been anyone else's but hers.
During brunch, Miranda asks everyone what they did last night...and no one answers, except Charlotte who grumbles, "I don't want to talk about it" which is code for we're about to hear all about it. Apparently, Charlotte is currently bumping uglies with an investment banker...and the sex is great and all, except for one troubling thing. She stammers that when he...then makes a vague hand gesture, so Samantha fills in the blanks: "Came, orgasmed, shot his wad" and we get a flashback of the climaxing investment banker atop Charlotte shrieking, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" The gals point out that he blurted this out in mid-come, but Charlotte doesn't look comforted and wails, "Do you think I'm a whore?!" Samantha chuckles, "Oh please. If you're a whore, what does that make me?" and Carrie and Miranda avoid eye contact and somehow refrain from blurting out, "A mega, uber, jumbo, mammoth, gargantuan, stage four whore!" Charlotte miserably moans, "No one wants to marry a whore" and Carrie abruptly changes the subject to herself and complains about how she and Aidan are still not hitting the sheets. She says he keeps asking her out and smooching her goodnight...but for some unfathomable reason, he doesn't seem interested in going to bed with her. Samantha wonders aloud if he's gay or has a dick with a curve, and Miranda says perhaps he has mother issues. Samantha warns Carrie not to wait too long to mount his schlong, 'cause the relationship window could permanently close any day now.
Carrie and Aidan end another date with a long smoochfest at her door. She invites him inside...and when he says he'd better run along home, she snarkily mutters, "Yeah yeah" and storms inside. He knocks on the door and asks whassup with her bitchitude, so she asks him if he's only interested in being friends. He asks her if she smooches her friends like that, so she comes right out and asks him if he has any desire to bone her. He replies, "I do. Look at you" - ugh - then says he has a history of doinking women too early, as is evidenced by his still single status. He says it's his "new thing" to only sleep with women he truly cares about, and he thinks he might possibly be able to care about her. He then reminds her that they've only been going out for a week and a half, and bewilderedly asks, "Don't people date anymore?!" People do; the Sex and the City gigolas do not.
Carrie can't help but wonder why she expected to sleep with Aidan after only a week and a half. Had she become so slutty - I mean jaded that she couldn't even recognize romance anymore? She writes the word romance onto a post-it and slaps it onto her laptop screen.
Carrie and Miranda are ambling through Central Park together...and Carrie is gabbling about how it simply didn't occur to her that Aidan was romancing her. She calls it depressing, and Miranda pulls a Carrie and goes, "Speaking of depressing, let's talk about me now" and reports that her gynaecologist just informed her she has chlamydia. And since she's been indulging in one meaningless hookup after another (prior to her re-hookup with Steve), she hasn't the faintest clue who might have given her the STD. She complains about how judgey the doctor was about her slutty lifestyle when she advised her to inform all the men she's slept with lately, so they can all get tested. Well d'yuh, Miranda. No one held a gun to your head and forced you to doink a legion of men...but since you went ahead and did, they all do need to get tested now.
Carrie returns to her apartment to hammer out this week's instalment of her shittastic column. While voice-overing, she challenges viewers to ponder her scuzzy lifestyle choices: if you're a thirty-something skank living in Manhattan who enjoys whoring around with every available man in your orbit, how many notches on your bedpost is too many? As she chews on the gravity of the issue that she and her friends are wrestling with in this episode, she taps out on her computer: Are we simply romantically challenged? Or are we sluts?" Dunno and yes.
Charlotte is out to dinner with her investment banker beau, and he remarks on how quiet she is this evening. She tells him her mind is somewhere else, then has a flashback of him calling her a fucking bitch! a fucking whore! She decides to speak up and tells him she's bothered by what he said to her the other night...and he's all, "Wuh?" and wracks his brain to figure out what she's referring to. When it's clear he has no memory of blurting out insulting expletives at her while blowing his wad, Charlotte drops the issue and breezily says, "Never mind! It's not important!"
Later...the two hit the sheets, and once again he blurts out, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" - but this time Charlotte doesn't let it go and snaps, "That! That's what you said!" Once again he looks puzzled, so she repeats it back to him and he's like, "OMG! Are you sure?" and says it's a terrible thing to have said. He explains that he gets so lost in the ecstasy of the moment that he has no idea what is coming out of his mouth, and assures her that he thinks she's sweet, smart, lovely and kind...in fact, the kind of woman he hopes to marry one day. Squeal! He then promises her, from this point forward, to do his best to avoid blurting insulting expletives whenever he climaxes inside of her.
Steve wants to get it on with Miranda, but she shoves him away and goes, "Can we not?" and informs him that she has chlamydia. He says he has no idea what that is - but it sounds like a major problem. She explains [to her very kind, but somewhat dimwitted boyfriend] that it's an STD, and that he should probably get himself tested.
In the next scene, a humorless Asian doctor orders Steve to drop his pants so he can get a sample from inside his penis...and Steve stares back at him in horror.
Miranda is sitting at her coffee table, writing up an All the Men I Recently Fucked list and - holy crap! - the list is so long she's had to split the page into two columns. I can't even fathom how many columns Samantha's list would need to have.
Samantha steps onto the elevator of her building with one of the tenants. She shoots Samantha the stink-eye and snarls, "We know it was you who buzzed in the gunman" and Samantha feigns surprise and goes, "Excuse me..?" so the woman retorts that every time she's in the elevator she's dry humping a different man. Samantha weakly chuckles and says, "That's ridiculous.." but then has a shameful series of flashbacks of the various men she's invited to paw her scantily clad body while in full view of whichever tenant(s) had the misfortune of being trapped in the elevator at the time.
Miranda gets callbacks from the men on her All the Men I Recently Fucked list. She hears back from the perpetually angry lawyer she dated in the Fuck Buddy episode, and he admits that, yep, he had chlamydia, but didn't feel the need to tell her 'cause he figured it was none of her business. An astonished Miranda says he should have warned her to get tested, then angrily tells him she just remembered why she never wanted to call him again and slams the phone down.
Carrie answers the door for Aidan, and for some reason she's decked out in a shapeless sack-dress that looks like it's been spray painted with doodles. Aidan holds up a bag of Chinese takeout and a six-pack of beer and suggests they eat in, watch a movie, and get cozy.
Carrie calls Charlotte to glumly report that the verdict is in: she and Aidan are friends who kiss occasionally. Plus, he's been in the bathroom for half an hour, and she can't help but shudder at the icky possibilities of what that could mean. When Aidan summons her over, she quietly ends the call and heads to the bathroom. She's surprised to see that he ran a bubblebath for her and placed lit candles everywhere. She jokes, "It looks like a Danielle Steel novel in here" and he says he ran her a bath so she could relax from the stress of writing a raunchy sex column two days a week and somehow being able to make a living off of that. He emphasizes, "This is about you" and tells her he'll be heading home now...but assures her that they're more than friends 'cause he'll be [searing his brain cells] thinking about her naked. As he makes his way to the door, Carrie sits in the tub and invitingly says, "Big tub, little person" so Aidan throws all sense and good taste to the wind and replies, "You've talked me into it."
Carrie and Aidan sit in the tub together and giggle. She asks, "What now?" so he goes, "Ah fuck it - let's just do it" but then Carrie gets all demure and reminds him that this is strictly a bath, and pretends she suddenly cares about getting to know someone before mindlessly leaping into the sack.
Samantha enters the lobby of her building and sees that a number of the older tenants are clustered around the woman who was injured by the gunman. She hears them muttering shit about her, so she turns around and says, "If you want to say something, say it to my face" ... and none of them has any problem doing exactly that, which is awesome:
Samantha flees for the elevator...and when she reaches the safety of her apartment, she calls Carrie to complain that the jealous, dried up old farts in her building are targeting her 'cause she reminds them of what they can't have . I'm sure that's it. She then declares that it might be time to move elsewhere. Carrie once again changes the subject to herself and announces that she has another date with Aidan tonight, and that she got a preview of his awesome schlong.
Charlotte's in bed with the potty-mouthed investment banker...and he’s doing his best to not yell out any expletives in the heat of passion. When it looks like he's going to have a stroke by holding it in, Charlotte wearily gives him the go-ahead, so he blurts out, "You fucking bitch! You fucking whore!" as he releases. He then looks tortured and wails, "What's wrong with meeee?!" and soon after decides to start seeing a therapist and stop seeing Charlotte.
Steve tells Miranda he tested negative for chlamydia, and Miranda complains that she feels like a dirty, diseased whore. Well d'yuh. She tells him she had to write out a list of all the guys she slept with, then sheepishly confesses, "It's not short." He asks her the number, so she hangs her head in shame and says, "Forty-two." Steve says that's not so bad, then tells her he's well past sixty. When she stares at him in surprise, he adds, "I'm a cute bartender" and the two giggle about their promiscuousness and smooch.
Carrie and Aidan arrive at her apartment after their date. He asks if can stay the night, then smilingly says he arranged for someone to walk and feed Pete. Carrie looks delighted, then voice-overs that for the first time in awhile, she was nervous about sex, 'cause this time it was going to mean something. Welcome to adulthood, Carrie.
Carrie and Aidan wake up in bed together the next morning, and she gabbles in a voice-over about how much she loooooves that this new relationship is a clean slate. Don't get too used to it; you're going to fuck it all up soon enough.
Samantha moves into her new apartment, located in the hot and trendy meatpacking district. She sexily sashays past a row of scantily clad transgender floozies who are standing in front of her building, and looks delighted that she finally resides in a place where no one could give even the tiniest rat's ass about how gigantic a whore she is.