Sex and the City - Season 3, Episode 3

"Natasha will never know how fabulous I looked in this party dress I can't afford."

"Attack of the Five-Foot-Ten Woman"
Original airdate: 6/18/2000

Episode summary: Carrie attends a luncheon in the hope of looking fantastic in front of Natasha, but is disappointed when Natasha cancels due to illness. Miranda hires a Ukrainian housekeeper who disapproves of her sex toy collection.

---

Recap: As the gals enjoy one of their endless brunches, Charlotte is looking over wedding announcements published in the Sunday Times, sobbing on the inside 'cause she's not one of the brides being featured. She starts reading aloud one of the announcements, in which the bride says she quit her job once she got engaged. The gals laugh bitterly, then bitch about women who only pretend to care about their careers until they can find a rich man to support a more pampered lifestyle...which is funny 'cause that's pretty much exactly what Charlotte does after marrying Dr. Trey MacDougal. Charlotte turns the page, gasps, and folds the paper shut. The gals are all, "What..?" and as Charlotte weakly insists that there's nothing to see, Samantha grabs the paper from her and opens it to a photo of Mr. Big and Natasha. Carrie glances at it in an overly fake nonchalant manner, pretends as though she couldn't give a hoot about Big and his elegant new wife, and says, "Well, it's official. He's married." She then pretends to look around for the waitress and mutters, "Where are my home fries?" When the other three glance at each other warily, Carrie assures them she's fine, and that she was prepared for this news. Miranda then grumbles about how much she hates the Sunday Times, and says that the wedding announcement section is a conspiracy to make losers like her feel bad about their empty, shallow lives.

Charlotte accompanies Carrie back to her apartment so they can read Big's wedding announcement together...after which she will cluck sympathetically while Carrie weeps dejectedly.

Charlotte reads the announcement aloud, which describes how the couple met in Paris - and Carrie rolls her eyes derisively and snaps, "How original. They fell in love in Paris." After listening to Charlotte read the full account of how the two met/got engaged, Carrie says she doesn't "hear" Big anywhere in this article, and assumes that Natasha is bitchily calling all the shots. Charlotte remarks that the song When a Man Loves a Woman was played at the wedding, then makes a face and calls that tacky...but Carrie sadly replies, "No. That's Big" then buries her face in her hands and starts blubbering. Charlotte says he just wasn't the right man for her...and Carrie tearfully describes Natasha as "shiny hair, style section, Vera Wang" while she, in stark contrast, sports an over-processed rat's nest and routinely dresses like a cheap hooker. She buries her face in her hands again, and Charlotte does her best to murmur words of comfort.

"Today I'm declaring that dream weddings to rich, attractive men are tacky and stupid."

"I'd sell my soul to the devil if it meant I could be Mrs. Big right now.

Miranda has hired a Ukrainian housekeeper named Magda, who keeps her supplied her with herbal teas, and gives her a rolling pin so she can make pies.

While dress shopping the next day, Miranda asks Carrie if she has a rolling pin in her kitchen, and Carrie's like, "As if!" and jokes about how she uses her oven for storage. As Miranda stands outside the fitting room where Carrie is trying on a dress, still gabbling, she notices Natasha - aka Mrs. Big - exit the adjoining fitting room to check herself out in a lovely white frock. Carrie says she needs a smaller size, then comes out of the fitting room in her underwear - 'cause, yeah, that's normal - and comes face-to-face with Big's upgrade. Natasha sees her reflection in the mirror, gracefully whirls around, and smiling says, "Carrie!" and a wigged out Carrie goes, "Hey!" and stammers a half-hearted congratulations on "the thing". Natasha explains that she's shopping for a dress for the upcoming Women in the Arts luncheon she's helping organize - and Carrie reminds her that as a writer of a raunchy sex column, she considers herself a woman in the arts and will also be in attendance at the luncheon. Natasha smiles in response, then politely says, "See you there."

"I'll be attending the upcoming luncheon for Women in the Arts."

"In that case, I will show up and make a feeble attempt to outshine you."

Carrie hurries home and gets on the horn with Samantha to see if she can score her an invitation to the Women in the Arts luncheon. She complains that both times she's come face-to-face with Natasha she's been under-clothed, and desperately wants Natasha to see her looking effortlessly striking...even though it's highly unlikely that Natasha could give a rat's ass about what Carrie is wearing whenever they happen to run into each other. Samantha grumbles that it seems like a lot of trouble to go through for a woman, but agrees to get tickets and offers to accompany her to the luncheon. She snarks, "These bitches need to be put in their places." Not sure what the Women in the Arts ever did to 'dis Samantha...but whatever.

Carrie later admits to herself that Natasha always makes her feel like a charity case, then wonders why she cares so much how she looks in front of her. Insecurity? Insanity? Low self esteem? Mental health problems? An annoying fixation on your ex's beautiful new wife? Carrie sits in front of her laptop and taps out: Are there women in New York who are just there to make us feel bad about ourselves? No, idiot. The angst is all in your head. 

Magda is putting away Miranda's laundry when she stumbles upon her goodie drawer, aka storage place for sex toys. A red-faced Miranda tries to explain why she needs the aid of a vibrator every now and again, despite having a boyfriend. Magda solemnly asks her if she likes her boyfriend and wants to marry him, and Miranda says she really has no idea if anyone would ever want to marry someone with as cunty a personality as she has. Magda seems OK with her uncertainty and exclaims, "God bless you!" and Miranda shoots her a dirty look and bitchily retorts that she doesn't need her or God to bless her, 'cause she's fine with her craptastic life just the way it is. What a surly bitch this woman is.

While enjoying the day at a swanky spa, Miranda complains to the gals that she feels like she just hired her mother. She tells them about how Magda found her goodie drawer...and Charlotte scrunches her face with distaste and says she doesn't have such a thing in her apartment. The four enter the steam room where several women are lounging seductively in their birthday suits...and Carrie, Miranda, and Samantha nonchalantly take off their towels. Charlotte looks tortured by the thought of unveiling her naughties, complains she's too hot, and scurries out. Carrie chases after her to ask whassup, so Charlotte explains that she's not comfortable being naked in public and that she didn't grow up in "a naked house". She dejectedly tells Carrie she doesn't have a perfect body like she does [ugh - that sinewy bag of bones??], and Carrie calls her deluded - which, d'yuh - and assures her that she has a beautiful figure. Charlotte miserably retorts that if that were true, a woman in the steam room wouldn't have looked at her like her thighs were too big.

"One of the women in the steam room stared at my thighs with a clear look of disgust."

"Don't feel bad. I get the same reaction when people get a gander at my horsey face."

After a relaxing massage, Samantha runs into a woman who claims that her masseur, Kevin, just went down on her. Samantha looks intrigued...and after she catches a glimpse of the young, hot looking Kevin, she immediately books an appointment with him.

Miranda settles into bed, decides she's in the mood for some vibrating genital action, and opens her goodie drawer. She's all, "Ack!" when she sees that her sex toys have been replaced with a statue of the Virgin Mary. Haha!

Carrie meets up with Charlotte for dessert after spending an exorbitant amount of money on a new pair of shoes. She orders chocolate cake, while Charlotte orders a fruit cup and bitches about her thunder thighs again. Carrie rolls her eyes and says the problem is all in her head...and speaking of problems that are all in one's head, Carrie tries on her overpriced new heels and tells Charlotte that they give her enough height to put her face-to-face with Natasha...providing Natasha wears flats. She admits to having a "Natasha specific obsession" that she believes will come to an end once Natasha sees her looking fabulous at the luncheon.

Charlotte decides to face her fear of sitting naked in a steam room. She returns to the spa, sneaks around the locker room with her hands over her boobs, and slinks inside the steam room. When she uncovers herself and stares around nervously, a topless woman sitting across from her brazenly checks her out and says, "I'd kill for your breasts" and Charlotte looks delighted that a complete stranger has validated her mammaries.

Samantha is being massaged by Kevin...and she's purring seductively as he rubs her back, legs, and arms. When she checks her watch and realizes that the appointment is almost over, she takes matters into her own hands - no pun intended - and grabs his crotch...and Kevin's all, "Wuh?" and shoots her a dirty look. In the next scene, Samantha is being admonished by the spa's manager for sexually harassing her employee. Samantha explains that she only booked the appointment 'cause she heard that Kevin had gone down on another customer...and the owner glares at Kevin, who stares sheepishly at the floor.

At the Women in the Arts luncheon, Samantha is complaining to Carrie about being discriminated against by Kevin. She wails, "He can't just go down on one woman and not another. I paid good money expecting to be eaten out!" Carrie tells her to shut it 'cause she doesn't want to be overheard participating in so raunchy a conversation when she's supposed to be showcasing her "most amazing self". When they check in at the registration desk, Carrie is dismayed to learn that Natasha is under the weather and won't be attending after all. She's all, "Wha-a-a?!" while Samantha growls, "I can't believe that bitch is a no show!" Carrie slaps her forehead and moans about how she just bought a dress that cost her a month's rent and probably bounced a check to a charity to prove she's amazing. She tells Samantha she just wants to go home - but Samantha refuses to leave before they get their complimentary drinks. She grabs the drink tickets from Carrie and heads to the bar.

"Natasha fell ill and won't be attending."

"But I bought this dress and got my hair done so I could look effortlessly striking in front of her!"

Miranda bitches at Magda for putting a Virgin Mary statue in her goodie drawer and demands to know where her sex toys are. Magda disapprovingly retorts that keeping sex toys in the house sends the message that she doesn't need a man - and Miranda snaps, "What I don't need is another mother" and says if she can't deal with the stuff in her goodie drawer, she'll find another housekeeper who can. Run far and fast, Magda.

A woman sitting beside Carrie asks her if she'd be willing to mentor kids who want to become writers, and Carrie bitchily reminds her that she writes about cocks, jizz, and blow jobs...so it's doubtful she'd be any kind of positive role model. Samantha ambles over to her table with a woman named Jenna, who went to college with Natasha. At Samantha's prompting, she tells Carrie that Natasha once showered with a guy in a community bathroom, then gained ten pounds during their sophomore year. Carrie thanks Samantha for trying to cheer her up by envisioning Natasha as a porker, but says she's ready to go home and sulk now.

On their way out, they run into the woman on whom Kevin went down at the spa - and she points at Samantha and tells her friends, "This is the woman who got Kevin fired!" One of them miserably blurts out, "Who's gonna fuck me now?!" and the other women are like, "Wuh? Kevin fucked you?" and Samantha and Carrie beat a hasty retreat.

When Miranda settles into bed for the evening, she's pleased to see that Magda has placed a platter filled with condoms on her night stand and returned her sex toys to their rightful place in her goodie drawer.

Carrie gets a thank you card in the mail from Natasha for attending the luncheon. Upon close inspection, she notices that Natasha misspelled there (by using their) - and she cackles with delight at the grammar error, then immediately calls up Miranda to snidely report, "It's a good thing she got married. The woman's an idiot!" That's right, Carrie. She's the idiot. Not the person who blew her rent money on a new dress and shoes, desperately trying to impress a woman who probably never gives her husband's ex-skank a fleeting thought.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---