Sex and the City - Season 3, Episode 4

"Lemme see if I've got this straight...you've gone to bed with her, her, him, her, and him?"

"Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl.."
Original airdate: 6/25/2000

Episode summary: Carrie wigs out when her latest beau tells her he's bisexual. Miranda freaks out when Steve suggests moving into her apartment, and Charlotte agrees to be photographed dressed as a man.

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Recap: Carrie voice-overs about how New Yorkers are the most jaded people in the world...and then we get footage of a police officer beating a man on the street and is ignored by passersby, and gratuitous clip of a cocktail waitress who's serving drinks in her birthday suit. The gals (plus Stanford) are gathered at Charlotte's gallery, checking out an exhibit titled Drag Kings: A Collision of Illusion and Reality - aka a collection of grisly photos of women who are made up and dressed to look like men. The gals tell Charlotte that the photographs are amaaaaazing, and Samantha says she thinks it would be fun to be a drag king. The photographer, Baird Johnson, comes over to say hey to Charlotte and she introduces him to her skanky friends. Miranda asks Baird what [in the bloody hell could have possibly] inspired him to want to take these fugly photos, and he babbles some nonsense about the "dual powers" everyone has, e.g. women can be masculine and vice versa. He pronounces gender to be an illusion, then gazes at Charlotte and gushingly adds, "A very beautiful illusion" ... and a blushing Charlotte stammers something unintelligible and scampers off. The gals follow her and ask her whassup, and she whines about how she's too nervous to make the first move. Carrie's like, "OK, whatevs" and says she's off to meet up with her latest hookup: a twenty-six year old hottie named Sean.

Miranda returns home and finds Steve camped out in her living room watching basketball and eating Chinese food. He tells her he doesn't have to be at work until 10pm, so the two take the opportunity to indulge in an early evening doink.  

Sean has taken Carrie ice-skating, which may not have been the best idea 'cause she's clutching onto the boards for dear life while trying to puff on her cigarette. Sean credits himself with thinking of such a unique activity for their date, but Carrie argues that it's not an official date without cocktails. Sean opens his jacket and reveals several tiny liquor bottles tucked into a side pocket, and Carrie squeals happily and plants him with a big smooch.

After boozing it up with the tiny bottles, Carrie and Sean retire on an off-ice bench and continue to make out. He asks her when she was last in a serious relationship, and she grimly says she ended something a while ago and describes it as "two years of back and forth"...and by back and forth she means a one-sided clingy-fest with a man who repeatedly made it obvious that he was never that into her. She asks Sean about his relationship history, and he lists off a bunch of women's names before mentioning a Mark. Carrie's all, "Wha-a-a?" and Sean looks at her in surprise and goes, "Is that a problem?" and she just stares bewilderedly into space. I'll take that as a yes.

"Ahh, Mark. What a great lover he was."

"Did you say Mark? or Margaret? Please tell me I just heard you say Margaret."

At brunch the next day, Carrie grimly announces to the gals that Sean is bisexual...and Samantha nods knowingly and says she figured as much when he took her ice skating. Heh. Carrie is flummoxed about how open he dared be about about his sexuality, so Samantha explains that the younger generation is all about experimentation, then pronounces, "All the kids are going bi." Carrie can't help but wonder when the sexes got so confused, and Charlotte says doesn't approve of all this "bi-ness" 'cause it shrinks the pool of available heterosexual, marriageable men for desperate-to-be-married women like herself. Carrie says that when Sean asked her if his history of dating men was a problem, she told him it wasn't - but now realizes she's an old fart for whom it is a gigantic problem. Furthermore, she doesn't actually believe that bisexuality exists and considers the faux status to be "a layover on the way to Gay Town". Yeech. She's pretty judgey and uptight about this stuff, considering she makes a living writing raunch in a tabloid rag. Samantha argues that Sean is super evolved 'cause of how open he is to all sexual experiences - but Miranda jokingly (though not really) says he's a greedy bastard to be "double-dipping". Samantha reminds Carrie that she's dating - not marrying - Sean, and tells her not to stress too much about labels. Charlotte primly says she's very much into labels, then snarks, "Gay or straight. Pick a side and stay there."

Carrie returns to her apartment to puff on a cigarette and contemplate whether or not "sexual flipping" was the wave of the future...and if so, was she too over-the-hill to play that game? She thinks back to the gender-bending exhibition at Charlotte's gallery, then scrunches her horsey face while she thinks deeply and taps out on her computer: if we can take the best of the other sex and make it our own, has the opposite sex become obsolete? Nope. No, it has not.

A hot young man enters Samantha's office and applies for the job as her assistant, and she purrs appreciatively and hires him on the spot.

Charlotte is doing paperwork at the gallery when Baird drops by to pick up his check...which I'll take to mean that people actually purchased at least some of his shittastic photography. He tells Charlotte he'd looove to photograph her posing as a man - but she argues that she's too much of a demure girlie girl who couldn't possibly present herself as butch. Baird argues that every woman has a male inside, then urges, "Come on. Be a man."

Sean takes Carrie to a funky new club called Hair...and the two are sitting at a table and canoodling. When he glances in the direction of where a man and woman are standing, Carrie asks which of them he was checking out, and he gives her a funny look and says neither - he was just looking for the bathroom. She sheepishly apologizes and says that this whole "bi thing" is throwing her for a loop...so he assures her he digs her and that he isn't gay so much as just happened to once be in a relationship with a guy.

An hour later, Carrie and Sean are going at it on the floor next to her bed. She asks him if she kisses better than a guy, and he indulges her and assures her that, yep, she kisses better than any guy he's ever made out with. When he asks her how he stacks up with all the men she's hit the sheets with, she says he's definitely in the top 2%. She then continues to beat this tedious topic to death and asks him if would prefer a hot guy to a hot girl, and he begs her to shut it and stop making everything about sex.

"So...how do I stack up against your male lover?"

"About as well as you stack up against my female lovers."

Samantha overhears her hot new assistant rudely barking at someone on the phone, so she rushes over and abruptly ends the call, then admonishes him for talking to her clients like that and reminds him that she's the boss. She then goes back to her office and stares hungrily at him through her office window, thinking that while his boyish arrogance was annoying and unprofessional...it was incredibly hot.

Miranda is sitting up in bed, stewing. She barks at Steve - who was asleep - to get away from her side of the bed, and Steve sleepily jokes that they should draw a line in the middle. When Miranda doesn't crack a smile, he stupidly suggests that she allocate a box or a spare drawer for him, and she glares incredulously and snaps, "You want a drawer?!" Steve, who can't seem to detect the brazen hostility that's being lobbed at him, replies, "Actually, I wanna move in." Miranda cringes in horror and asks him how that crazy idea popped into his tiny brain, and he points out that he practically lives at her apartment anyway. She huffily complains that this is all going at "warp speed" and doesn't think they're ready, then bellows, "You're here all the time!" Steve finally has the sense to be insulted by Miranda's bitchitude and jumps out of bed and gets dressed while she complains about how suffocated she feels. He snaps, "It's like you're the guy sometimes!" and storms off. Run far and fast, Steve. And don't ever come back.

"How would you feel if I moved in?"

"Judging from my current facial expression...I would say, utterly miserable."

Miranda and Carrie attend a "Goddess Fitness" exercise class, which seems to entail sexily shaking one's hips and waving a scarf around. Miranda can't get the hang of the hip popping movement, so she and Carrie beat a hasty retreat. She whines to Carrie about how she can never be a girlie girl...and then the two derisively cackle at all the girlie girls out there [like their friend Charlotte, for example]. Miranda moans, "I really do love Steve" and Carrie says there's always one person in charge of a relationship...and in the sad case of her horribly dysfunctional relationship with Steve, that person is her.  

Miranda returns to an empty apartment and frowns unhappily.

Charlotte is dressed as a man, about to be photographed by Baird. She giggles at her reflection and says she doesn't think she can pull this off - but Baird suggests she think of herself as a hot man who could get any woman "he" wants. She says she's going to need a bigger sock in her crotch, and Baird agrees and seductively shoves a sock down the front of her pants. As Charlotte initiates an intense smoochfest with Baird, Carrie voice-overs that Charlotte suddenly became "a chick with balls".

Samantha orders her hot young assistant to deliver a bunch of invitations to the printer asap, and he dismissively tells her he'll get to it when he gets to it. Samantha orders him to do it now and then go pick up lunch, and he says it would make more sense to pick up lunch first 'cause the printer is on the opposite end of town. Samantha snaps, "No!" and tosses the invitations at him, then glares at him incredulously and says, "Do you realize you're my assistant? And that it's your job to do what I say?" Hottie gets all in her face and insists he knows what he's doing, and Samantha snaps back that she knows better...and the two start bickering like an old married couple. When the phone rings, Hottie picks it up and tells whoever's on the other end that they have a shitty attitude...which prompts Samantha to abruptly fire him. She then creepily ventures into Sexual Harassment Territory when she grabs him, forcibly smooches him, and orders him to fuck her atop the desk.

Miranda arrives home late and apologizes to Steve - who she invited over for dinner - in a babbling manner about how her conference call went late and ruined their dinner plans. She then accidentally drops a jar of pasta sauce that splatters all over the floor, and despondently lets go of the rest of her groceries. She tearfully tells him she's very upset that he had to see that...and that she's freaked out about him discovering that she's stubborn, unable to cook, and doesn't do laundry frequently enough. She's oddly frightened that if her generally cunty disposition isn't enough drive him off, her inability to perform normal domestic chores will be the thing that comes between them. Steve hugs her and assures her that he's not going anywhere [you fool!]...and Miranda blubbers and suddenly realizes that perhaps she is the woman in the relationship after all.

Charlotte's in her living room, hanging up the man photo that Baird took of her. We learn from Carrie's voice-over that she was so embarrassed by how forward she'd been that she didn't have the nerve to ever see Baird again. I'm surprised she'd be so willing to squander a possible relationship with a man who's even remotely marriageable.

Carrie and Sean climb several flights of stairs to get to his friend's apartment, where there's a party in full swing. Note: Carrie has done her best to appear funktastic by dressing in a short, skin tight pleather dress with a fluffy white flower thing stapled on one side. Sean introduces her to Mark (his ex), and Mark's dorky new partner, Garth. Also in attendance is Alanis Morissette, who had been previously married to Garth and is now a lesbian...and Carrie looks as befuddled as possible as she struggles to learn all the various dating combinations of these people...as if any of this is going to matter once the end credits start rolling. Suddenly, one of the female partygoers holds a bottle in the air and squeals, "Time to play!" and a smiling Sean informs Carrie that they're all going to revert to thirteen year olds and play Spin the Bottle. Somehow Carrie, and the rest of the guests, refrain from fleeing the apartment. The first two kissers are boy/girl kissers...but when Alanis Morissette spins the bottle, it stops pointed at Carrie. Ew. When everyone stares at Carrie expectantly as she lights up a cigarette, she looks down at the bottle and breezily goes, "Whoops! It's a girl. Spin again" but Alanis Morissette says, "It's OK" then leans toward Carrie and gives her a mini-smooch while everyone ooooohs.

"Yay! Carrie's my kissee."

"Pucker up, bitch."

Carrie decides that the lesbian kiss wasn't too bad - and was kinda like eating chicken. She then gathers her things, manages to get to her feet despite the awkwardness of wearing skimpy pleather, and announces that she's off to get more cigarettes. As she beats a hasty retreat out of the building, she explains via voice-over that she just wanted to take her "hot, old fart ass home"...and that it was the last night she saw Sean, who I'm sure wasn't impressed by the rude departure.

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