Recap: Carrie voice-overs that everyone has a worst nightmare...and as Miranda works out, we learn that her worst nightmare is family hour at the gym. While she's lifting weights, a little boy runs over and tickles her abdomen, then runs off giggling...and when the camera pans out, we see that there are tiny children everywhere, playing amid all the weights and exercise equipment. A vexed Miranda stomps toward the elevator, in which a father and son are standing. The father asks Miranda to refrain from pushing the button 'cause his kid likes to do it, and Miranda crustily tells the kid, "OK, but push 1 'cause I'm kind of in a rush." Naturally, the kid pushes all the buttons (pun intended), and Miranda pretends to not be annoyed 'cause of how cute the father is. He sheepishly jokes that his kid's brattiness is probably a phase caused by an over-indulgent divorced father. The two introduce themselves, and Miranda learns that his name is Roger Cobb, that he's single and looking, and that his brat's name is Simon. Roger asks Miranda for her phone number...and as she flirtily gives it to him, Simon wets his pants in protest.
Later, Miranda laments to the gals about how her latest hookup is used goods, then says she generally doesn't like things that aren't brand spanking new. Samantha nods sympathetically and says that divorced men do come with baggage - and Miranda says she doesn't mind the baggage as much as she does the kid part. Charlotte says that just 'cause a man is divorced, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with him, then cites her brother Wesley as an example. Apparently, Wesley is separated from his wife Leslie...and the gals start cackling and punning at the rhyming names. Charlotte gets miffed and says if they don't stop mocking Wesley and Leslie, she's not going to introduce them to her sainted brother...and Carrie half-heartedly promises that they'll do their best to stop their ridiculing.
Carrie meets up with her current fling, Justin Theroux, who guest stars as a fiction writer. He tells her he needs to drop of some books at his parents' place...and a few minutes later, the two arrive at a lovely townhouse. Carrie's like, "Ack! I'm not dressed appropriately for family", which...well d'yuh, but Justin's like, "You look fine...whatever" and ushers her up the stairs. He introduces her to his extraordinarily friendly sisters and mother, Valerie Harper. When Valerie learns that she's in the presence of Carrie Bradshaw, she gasps and exclaims, "Oh my God!" and yells at her husband, Duncan, to get his ass in here and meet the slutty sex columnist their son is dating. She gushes to Carrie about how she loves loves loves her column, and suggests that she devote a column to re-virginization. [Sorry, Val - but Carrie's column is devoted to raunchiness for raunchiness's sake and nonsensical pronouncements that pertain only to her and her friends.] Duncan lumbers into the room, calls Carrie "an icon" (which was nauseating), and invites her to speak at a seminar he's currently teaching. As the family prepares to sit down and eat, they urge Justin and Carrie to join them...and Carrie grins at Justin and tells him she'd really like to stay.
Central Park. Miranda is strolling with Roger while Simon scampers about. The two talk about the various kinds of people they've dated in the past, blah blah...and as they're doing that, Simon races by and whacks Miranda in the head with a tree branch, which made me laugh out loud. Roger tells Miranda that it's hard to date much as a single parent, then lays it on thick about how he's one of those rare men who prefers being married and likes stability and routine. Miranda stares at him dreamily and says she definitely likes the sound of that...and then Simon interrupts the tender moment to give Miranda the gift of a worm.
Charlotte has just baked a batch of oversized muffins for Wesley, but he grumbles that he'd much prefer a cocktail. Charlotte urges him to work things out with Leslie, but he ignores that suggestion and sourly asks her when she last had a long-term relationship...and this is effective in shutting Charlotte up.
Carrie and Justin Theroux burst into her apartment and start going at it, tearing off each other's clothes until they're both stripped down to their underwear. When Carrie pins Justin against the wall and canoodles him, he begins thrusting his pelvis and prematurely ejaculates in his boxers...and Carrie's like, "Oh..? Eww.." and awkwardly hands him a tissue.
When Carrie blabs to the girls about Justin's exploding penis, Samantha orders her to dump him immediately...and Carrie says she'd consider it if she weren't falling so deeply in love with his family. Samantha perks up at that and inquires, "Anyone there you can fuck?" as if that's not a completely deranged thing to ask. Miranda, meanwhile, is perplexed that there's a precedent for a boyfriend's family members to not be an obstacle to a relationship.
Carrie is back in her apartment, writing this week's installment of her shittastic column. She ponderingly wonders how many people become emotionally involved when two people start dating, then taps out: "When you sleep with someone, are you screwing the family?"
Carrie meets up with Valerie Harper at a restaurant...and when Valerie gabbles on and on about her adventurous life, Carrie goes, "Wow!" and says she barely has a life. Valerie wanks Carrie about how her column is an important contribution in terms of relentlessly dialoguing about sex, and that she's really "putting it out there". She credits Carrie for being "frank and honest about sex", and says it's the way she raised her children to be so they'd feel as though they could talk to her about anything. Carrie beams at all the nauseating praise and says, "May I just say, I like you very much" and Valerie looks touched and goes, "Oooh...that's dear."
Charlotte takes Wesley out to a bar to meet the gals...and when she sees that Carrie has brought along Samantha, she pulls Carrie aside and demands to know why in the hell she let that cheap whore tag along. While that's happening, Wesley and Samantha start chatting, hit it off, and decide to go to a more happening club...and when Charlotte and Carrie decline to go along, Wesley's like, "Yay! We'll go by ourselves!" and Charlotte scrunches her face disapprovingly.
Miranda and Roger are canoodling naked in bed, post-coitus. Miranda announces she has to pee and heads down the hall to the bathroom...and is sitting on the toilet, staring dreamily into space, when Simon suddenly bursts in. Miranda shrieks, "NOOO!" and slams the door in his face, and he yelps and then screeches, "Daddeeeee!!" Miranda mutters, "Shit.." and wraps herself in a towel before checking out the aftermath. Simon has a nasty gash on his forehead and is hugging his dad. Miranda profusely apologizes and explains to Roger that she was peeing naked and didn't want to traumatize the kid by allowing him to get an eyeful of that disturbing visual. Roger angrily tells her that Simon probably needs a stitch, so Miranda offers to go to the ER with them. Simon yells, "NOOO!" and hugs his dad tighter, and Roger glares at Miranda and tells her it would be best if she left.
Charlotte enters her kitchen and finds Samantha - ack! - dressed in nothing but a t-shirt, standing on a chair as she searches the cupboards for coffee filters. Charlotte gasps in justifiable horror and wails, "You slept with my brother?!" and Samantha purrs about what an absolute doll he is. Charlotte stares at her in bewildered disgust and blurts out, "Is your vagina in the New York City guidebooks?! Because it should be! It's the hottest spot in town. It's always open!" Samantha glares back at her, clearly unable to fathom why it would ick her friend out that she bumped uglies with her brother and is now standing half naked in her kitchen. When Wesley tentatively enters the kitchen and asks whassup, Samantha storms out...and Charlotte tries to explain to her brother why it's gross that he would doink a prostitute-level whore like Samantha.
Carrie and Justin Theroux are laying on her bed, chillin' in their underwear. She gabbles about the lovely lunch she had with his mom - and he wryly says he's not in the mood to talk about his mom...or anything at all. Carrie's hand travels below his waist - no, Carrie, noooo! - and he cries, "Don't touch it!" then prematurely blows his wad once again. Carrie's like, "Oh..? Eww.." and hands him a tissue.
Wesley snipes at Charlotte for driving Samantha away, so she explains that her slutty friend has more notches on her bedpost than any woman in history, and urges him again to work things out with Leslie. Wesley snaps, "No!" and says his wife is so frigid that she refused to hit the sheets with him for two years - and Charlotte gasps at the horror of two years of sexlessness and cries, "Oh my God!" Wesley says he desperately needed a night of mindless sex...and reminds her that Samantha, while obnoxiously oversexed, is still her friend.
Charlotte seeks Samantha's forgiveness by bringing a basket of oversized muffins over to her apartment. Samantha glares at her and makes snide jokes about her vagina expecting a tour group soon - which...well, d'yuh - but then is quickly won over by the freshly baked muffins, and she and Charlotte hug it out.
On the following Sunday, Miranda does her best to avoid the hordes of screaming children at her gym. She enters the elevator with a mother and son...and when the mother asks her to refrain from pushing the buttons 'cause her son really likes doing it, Miranda snarls, "Yeah? So do I" and pushes the "1" button.
Justin Theroux checks out Carrie as she sits on her bed in a cleavage-baring tank top and reads his latest book. He tells her she looks extremely sexy, then sits beside her and leans in for a smooch. She cautions him to slow down so he doesn't squirt in his usual premature fashion...and he gets annoyed by her asexual coddling. When she urges him to talk about his penis problems, he grumbles about how sick he is of talking about sex all the time. He then gets up and snaps that they should get going, 'cause his parents are expecting them.
At the family townhouse, Justin moodily storms around, acting pissy and irritated by the spread laid out in the kitchen. Duncan quietly asks Carrie why he's being so edgy, but she just shrugs helplessly. When his snappishness hits a breaking point, Carrie says she suddenly remembered that she has a deadline and needs to be going. She thanks them for lunch (and everything), then gets up and sashays out of the room in a jarringly skin-tight dress. Valerie Harper rushes after her and asks her what happened...then comes right out and says she's well aware of her son's premature ejaculation issues. Apparently his last girlfriend wasn't the discreet type. Carrie looks horrified and mutters, "This is too weird.." but Valerie insists that it's best to just laugh in a situation like this. She advises Carrie to work things out with Justin, and Carrie says she'd be willing (sort of) - but he refuses to talk about his penile shortcomings. Valerie tells her there are much more important things in life than a great sex life...like being part of a really cool family, for example. Carrie stares back at her blankly...then mulls that over and realizes it was going to be very hard to break up with Justin's family. Valerie says they can still be friends - like, for real - and sadly predicts that her next hookup won't have as awesome a mother as she is. The two hug, and Valerie pleads with Carrie to give her a call sometime.
As Carrie strolls along, looking like a cheap street hooker in her skin-tight dress, she finds the other Sex and the City gals eating together at a restaurant. She knocks on the window and waves at them, and they hoot at her and motion for her to come inside and join them - which she does...and the episode ends happily ever after.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!