Recap: Charlotte is in bed with her latest hookup (an orthopedic surgeon)...and in mid-doink he falls asleep atop her. When she hears him snoring, she gasps, "Oh my God!" and the surgeon explains that he's really tired from the long surgery he performed earlier that day. In the next scene, Charlotte's over at Carrie's apartment, wailing about the snooze-infused doink, and deduces that she must be very horrible in bed. Either that or the surgeon was genuinely very tired after performing a long surgery. Carrie winces sympathetically and offers to make her some tea.
Carrie blabs Charlotte's shameful secret to Samantha, and Samantha nods knowingly and says, "Of course she's bad in bed." She cites Charlotte's form on the stairmaster as proof and says, "Nothing happens below the waist." Samantha brags that, unlike Charlotte, she gets affirmations for her baloney riding abilities all the time. Case in point: just last week, her two gay friends, David and David, asked her to engage in a threesome with them 'cause they suddenly want to experiment with heterosexual sex. We then get a flashback of this nauseating conversation, which occurred when Samantha went out to dinner with the Davids. They ask her if she's seeing anyone special right now (very funny, Davids) and Samantha says no, then perks up and asks them if they have a hot guy for her. They simultaneously say, "Two", and then stare at her with creepish intensity. They tell her that of all the fuckable women they know, she undoubtedly has the most mileage in the sack, and is therefore as familiar with the male genitalia as a woman could possibly be. Carrie looks aghast and blurts out, "They're gay!" and Samantha shrugs and pronounces that soon everyone will be pan-sexual, and that "orientation" will no longer matter.
Carrie sits in her apartment, contemplatively staring into space as she wonders whether people are secretly being graded every time they hit the sack. As she starts tapping on her computer, she voice-overs a series of moronic questions for hapless Sex and the City viewers to chew on:
As Carrie struts around the Village in a tacky sundress, she gets hit in the arm by a lit cigarette and yelps in pain...and even though the guy who tossed the cigarette profusely apologizes for the unintended mishap, she goes on and on about it and at one point refers to herself as a burn victim. Eventually she notices how cute the cigarette thrower is...and when the two introduce themselves, she learns that his name is Patrick. He invites her out for coffee...and in the next scene the two are at an outdoor cafe, drinking coffee, puffing on cigarettes, and gabbling about their lives. After the conversation runs its course, Carrie says she has to get going...but as she's sashaying off, she thinks about how cute and funny Patrick is, then turns around and leaves him her phone number.
Three days later, Carrie is over at Miranda's place, helping her make up her bed with a new set of peach colored sheets. Miranda's theory is that if she makes a bed people want to be in, she might get laid a lot more frequently. Carrie complains that Patrick still hasn't called, then wonders if it's 'cause she's ugly...and even though it's entirely within the realm of possibility (I've never met a man who wasn't at least a little freaked out by SJP's looks), Miranda tut tuts her for putting herself down.
While shopping in the Village, Carrie spots Patrick chatting with a guy. She goes over and remarks on how he's standing in the street smoking, and he's all, "Wha-a?" and gives her a funny look, as does the guy he's talking to. Patrick brusquely says they're in the middle of something, so Carrie abruptly says goodbye and rushes off, suitably embarrassed. Patrick chases after her, and she moans about how she clearly just interrupted a conversation between him and his lover. Patrick tells her he's not gay - but confesses to being a recovering alcoholic...and explains that the guy he was talking to is a troubled friend he met at AA. He then explains that he never called her 'cause his sponsor told him he shouldn't get involved with anyone until after he's been sober for a year...and he's currently eleven months into the process. And instead of leaving it there, he decides to throw all caution and sensibility to the wind and goes, "Ah, what the hell!" and Carrie urges him to give her a call and ask her out sometime soon.
On their first date, Carrie and Patrick go for coffee, and as they stroll along the street afterwards, Patrick discusses his compulsive nature. He says when he eats potato chips he generally eats the whole bag (um, that's not compulsive behavior - but a testament to the deliciousness of potato chips), and Carrie says she's the same way about fugly, overpriced shoes. When they arrive at her apartment, she thanks him for the coffee and leans in for a smooch...but he jerks his head away from her and abruptly ambles off. Carrie scrunches her face in puzzlement, then goes upstairs. The same thing happens on their next date...and by the third date she's about to throw in the towel, but suddenly changes her mind and forcibly smooches him. After they make out for awhile, she invites him upstairs, and he confesses he's never actually had sex sober before, and has no idea how good it'll be. After mulling it over for a few seconds, he decides to give it a shot...and in the next scene, the two are in bed, where Patrick is orgasmically shrieking, "Sex is amaaaaaazing! Feels so fucking amaaaaaazing!" then stands up on the bed and jumps up and down while yelling, "Wooooooo!!" He tells Carrie she's the best, and she smugly retorts, "I aim to please." The two then share a cigarette, and Carrie giggles delightedly when Patrick asks her if she's up for another doink.
The next day at brunch, Carrie orders a huge breakfast and explains that she's super hungry 'cause she and Patrick went at it all night. Charlotte sighs deeply and tells the gals not to mind her depression about being lousy in the sack, and Miranda half-heartedly assures her she's probably just fine in bed. Charlotte reminds her that a guy fell asleep while they were in mid-doink and that she's accepted her shortcomings...which is why she registered herself (along with the three of them) for a tantric sex workshop. They reluctantly agree to accompany her, and Samantha lets out a guffaw and quips, "I could teach the class!"
As Samantha primps for her threesome with the Davids, she wonders if she truly is capable of being this sexually free. She decides she wants to discuss it some more, so she heads to the bedroom - and is stunned by the sight of two very toned Davids in matching tighty whities, staring at her expectantly. They ooh and aww and compliment her beauty, and she grins smugly and says, "What the hell" and the three climb into bed and begin foreplay. As the Davids' tongues work their way down Samantha's scantily clad body, they suddenly stop and decide they can't bring themselves to do it after all. Samantha's all, "Wuh? We were just getting started" but the Davids are no long into it and offer to take her out for dessert instead. Samantha stares worriedly into space, suddenly doubting her sex appeal to men.
Carrie tells Patrick she has to take a break from their doinkfest in order to attend a tantric sex workshop with her friends. Patrick jokes that she doesn't need any training, and wants to have another quick romp. Carrie remarks that they've been having a lot of sex lately...then couldn't help but wonder if his compulsive nature was driving him more than his attraction to her. That would be my guess, yes.
As the gals wait for the tantric sex class - which is being held in a private apartment - to begin, Carrie tells Miranda she suspects that Patrick has replaced drinking with sex. Samantha, meanwhile, is bummed that the Davids had no interest in penetrating her after all, and Charlotte shushes them as she prepares to take notes on how to please a man. The female instructor demonstrates how to massage a man in a manner that awakens his root chakra...and when the gals burst into giggles at the term root chakra, the instructor snaps at them to compose themselves. As she intensifies her massage and brings the man to the cusp of orgasm, an intrigued Miranda gasps and murmurs, "Oh my God...he's going to..." and then dickspit squirts in her direction and - ewwww!! - gets all in her face and hair. As Samantha and Carrie laugh hysterically, Miranda looks at them blankly and goes, "What..?" and somehow doesn't notice that she's covered with jizz splatter.
Patrick declares his love for Carrie as they stroll to her place after seeing a movie. She makes a face and goes, "Wow.." so he asks if it's too soon for declarations of love. She reminds him they've only been going out "for a minute", but he insists it's definitely love. She suggests they spend a couple of nights apart...and Patrick immediately gets twitchy and uncomfortable. She firmly says, "Call me tomorrow" and heads up the stairs to her apartment, and he stares up at her in bewilderment and asks what he's supposed to do now. She suggests that he attend an AA meeting, then assures him she'll see him next week.
Charlotte is performing a tantric penile massage on her orthopedic surgeon lover, and he shrieks about how awesome she is in bed. Kudos, Charlotte! A+!
Miranda, meanwhile, is relaxing on her bed, going through a box of tissue as she compulsively wipes at the area of her hair where the tantric sex demonstrator's jizz squirted.
Carrie wakes up to the sound of a very drunk Patrick screaming obscenities outside her apartment. She rushes over to the window and asks whassup, and he yells, "You bitch! I loved you! You didn't love me!" He then strips off all his clothes and takes off down the street to eventually start his 12-step program all over again.
Weeks later, Patrick wrote Carrie an apology letter to make amends. She never saw him again - as usually happens with the males who guest star on Sex and the City - but couldn't help but wonder if he managed to stay sober...and if she was really that good in bed or if it was the temporary sobriety talking.
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