Recap: Charlotte is wrapping up a date with a guy named Brad. They both agree they had a fantastic evening, then lean toward each other for the obligatory good night kiss. After an acceptably traditional kiss, Brad goes down a strange path and starts licking Charlotte's lips, then laps away at her chin. She looks startled and makes a blech face, and he somehow remains oblivious to her weirded out reaction.
The next evening, the gals are out for dinner at a hot new restaurant called Fusion. Charlotte describes in detail what a horrible kisser Brad is, and they all squeal, "Ewwww!!" then make fun of all the horrible kissing techniques they've had to endure over the years. Samantha pronounces that bad kissers are generally bad in bed, and urges Charlotte to dump the face licker asap... and the visual of his face licking prompts them to once again squeal, "Ewwww!!" All of their ewwwwing prompts the chef/owner of Fusion - a woman named Adeena who's also Carrie's only black acquaintance - to come over and jokingly order them to keep down the racket. As the gals gush over the scrumptiousness of her trendy soul food, her hot brother ambles over to see whaddup. He asks Samantha if she attended a recent party for Jennifer Lopez, and Samantha says she didn't, but that her PR firm handled the event. She then gives him an appreciative once-over and adds, "I'm sure I'd have remembered meeting you." He introduces himself as Chivon and tells her he's a rep for a recording company, and Samantha purrs seductively as she hands him her business card. Chivon politely wishes the gals a pleasant evening...and once he's safely out of earshot, they cackle about his extreme hotness. Samantha exclaims, "I'd like to get me some of that!" and Charlotte makes a face and chides her for her inappropriate "black talk". Samantha groans and tells her to "relax with the knee-jerk liberal reaction" and clarifies that her remark wasn't black talk so much as it was sex talk. Charlotte primly tells her she should be saying African-American instead of black, and that anything resembling black sex talk is rude and politically incorrect. Carrie and Miranda remind her that Samantha is rude, politically incorrect, and an equal opportunity offender [not to mention slutty, vulgar, feckless, contemptible, boorish, and just plain gross]...and Samantha concurs and proudly pronounces, "I don't see color. I see conquests."
Stanford drops by Carrie's apartment to alert her about "a beautiful man downtown who's selling beautiful furniture", and suggests she go check him out. Carrie says she's not interested 'cause she was planning to spend the afternoon drinking coffee and salivating over the pages of Australian Vogue...but when Stanford shows her the beautiful man's photo in the New York Times Style section and adds, "He's straight", Carrie immediately jumps into action and chirps, "I'll get my purse!"
Carrie and Stanford arrive at the furniture store and quickly scope out the owner whose name is Aidan Shaw, and who Carrie describes as "warm, masculine, classic American" [but with a bit of a ratty 'do...sorry Aidan, but you look a lot better in Season 4 when you cut off that rat's nest]. Carrie watches Aidan cuddle his dog, and snarks to Stanford about the whole dog thing being "overkill" [which I took exception to, being an insane dog lover myself]. Stanford advises Carrie to tell Aidan she's a designer (so she can get a discount if she wants to buy something), then gushes about how perfect he is for her and urges, "Go get him!" A few seconds later, he glances around the store and notices an appealing gay male designer...and takes his own advice and goes for it. Aidan's dog, whose name we later learn is Pete, scampers over to Carrie and starts humping her leg. Aidan quickly comes to her aid and jokes that Pete only does that to the pretty ladies...and Carrie blushingly says she's flattered, then looks fake surprised when he tells her he's the store's owner. She glances around at the store's inventory and admires a wide leather chair. Aidan tells her it's his favorite piece, and describes in detail how he stripped the leather off a railroad car seat...and while he's talking, he takes her hand and runs it across the old leather. Carrie gets so turned on that she blurts out, "I'll take it!" - and when she sees the hefty price tag she fibs and tells him she's a designer. Aidan agrees to slash the price even further, then says he can deliver the chair by the end of the week. He asks her where he should deliver it, then asks if he can take her out for dinner sometime. No, Aidan. Noooooooo!!!!
Miranda arrives home to an excited Steve, who explains that he's so excited 'cause he won the contest to try to make a half-court shot at the next Knick's basketball game for a prize of $1 million. Miranda tries to feign interest in this and goes, "Great!" and he corrects her by exclaiming, "It's fucking great!" She warns him not to get his hopes up, but Steve says she doesn't fully realize how awesome he is at basketball. He invites her to watch him practice his hoop shooting in the nearby park sometime, and she's just like, "Yeah, OK...whatever."
Carrie meets up with Miranda to eat cupcakes and gush about her new crush. She says she finds him to be very cute, and that she knows she's totally into him 'cause she bought a chair she can't afford simply because he made it. Miranda dreamily says she hasn't had a crush since Shaun Cassidy...and when Carrie goes, "What about Steve?", Miranda laughingly exclaims, "I forgot about my boyfriend! Is that normal?" She tells Carrie that Steve thinks he's going to win $1 million making a half-court shot at the next Knick's game...then says she's really really trying to be supportive, but finds it excruciating to support something so boneheaded.
Chivon brings Samantha to an edgy, urban-type nightclub to check out a band he's considering signing...and she's decked herself out in a skanky tube top and fugly gold lamé jacket for the occasion. Chivon introduces her to his friends...and Carrie voice-overs that within minutes Samantha felt very at home in Chivon's world, listening to rap music and chillin' with the homies.
Later, Chivon and Samantha are spooning in her bed. He puts on a slow rap song and asks for her opinion, and she purrs in a high-pitched little girl voice about how the song is so soft...which is odd 'cause she thought that all rap had a hard edge. Chivon chuckles and says that that describes her perfectly, then points out all the attitude she gives out...but now she's nestled in his arms, looking and acting so soft and sweet. Uuuuugggghhh. Of all the retch-worthy Sex and the City moments I've recapped thus far, this one is by far the retch-worthiest.
Carrie and Aidan are sitting on the front steps of her building. He tells her that his dog is obsessed with her after the leg hump, and Carrie laughs and confesses that she's not actually a designer, and that she lied about it 'cause she wanted the discount. She then nonchalantly pulls out a cigarette and lights up, and Aidan stares at her in horror and goes, "You smoke?" Carrie looks startled by his reaction and mumbles, "Just a little" then tosses the cigarette on the ground as if to send the message that she can take or leave the habit whenever she chooses. She tells him she had a great time tonight, then leans in for a post-date smooch...but after leaning in closer, Aidan winces in revulsion and says he can still taste the cigarette on her mouth. And can probably smell it in her hair and on every fibre of her clothing. While a chastened Carrie fishes through her purse for a breath mint, Aidan says he doesn't want to be a jerk or anything, but makes it clear that he has zero desire to date a stinky smoker. She stares at him in complete incredulity and goes, "Really?" and he firmly retorts, "Yep. It's a thing I have."
Carrie is sitting in her apartment, puffing up a storm and writing the latest installment of her shittastic column. She wonders when dating became so "dump-friendly", calls the dating market volatile, and asks viewers to mull over how wise it is to "liquidate certain stocks the very first sign they might not perform as well as expected". She then taps out on her computer: are there certain things one should try and negotiate? In relationships, what are the deal breakers?
Charlotte is out with Brad the Bad Kisser again, doing her best to coach him into becoming a socially acceptable kisser. She gives him step-by-step instructions on what she likes - and it works for a little while...but then he goes off the rails and starts sucking areas of her face that are nowhere near her mouth. She finally throws in the towel and wails, "I can't do this!" and berates him for being a horrible, horrible kisser. Brad looks befuddled and tells her that kissing is his thing and Charlotte stares at him in bewilderment before fleeing.
Stanford goes home with his latest hookup, Marty Mendleson (the designer he met at Aidan's furniture shop). He's dismayed to discover that Marty is an avid doll collector, and that he keeps a large sample of his cherished collectibles carefully assembled atop his bed. Marty holds up two of his favorites and grins proudly, introducing Stanford to the Queen of Siam and Mary Queen of Scots...and a weirded out Stanford helps him clear off the bed so they can get strip down and get busy.
Chivon is treating Samantha to dinner at Fusion, and he gushes about how beautiful she looks in her tacky, glittery sleeveless top. Adeena comes over and tells Chivon that their aunt is dining at the restaurant and that he should probably go over and say hello, and he obediently gets up and toddles off. Adeena fake smiles at Samantha and asks her whaddup with her and her brother, and Samantha says, "We're dating. Why?" so Adeena snidely replies, "So...you're not just fucking?" Samantha confirms that no, they're not "just fucking" (even though "just fucking" is an apt description of how she generally relates to men) and tells her that they actually like each other. Adeena barks, "No!" and says she has YUGE problems with her only brother getting tangled up with a trashy white skank such as herself. She declares that she's never going to approve of the relationship, then smugly says her approval means a lot to Chivon. She fake smiles again and urges Samantha to save everyone a lot of time and trouble and get out of this thing now...and as a thank you she'll send over a complimentary dessert.
Over brunch, Samantha complains to the gals about being 'dissed by Adeena. Charlotte tells her that race is big issue for people and that she should probably break it off with Chivon asap and move on to her next meaningless hookup. Samantha says she refuses to obey Adeena's edict and walk away from a sweet man who has the biggest... and Charlotte, whose face is all red and blotchy from Brad's latest tongue assault, snidely interjects and snaps, "Big black cock?!" Miranda chides her for not using the more politically correct "big African-American cock" (bwahaha!), and Samantha pretends she was going to cap off the sentence with the word heart...but then cackles about how there's no denying that Chivon's cock is, indeed, big and black. Samantha says she's not backing down to Chivon's bossy sister, and Carrie's like, "Bravo!" and agrees that she shouldn't have to sacrifice who she is...then somehow likens this situation to how icked out Aidan was when he learned about her smoking habit. She stubbornly pronounces that Aidan is just going to have to accept her for who she is, and an incredulous Miranda asks her if she's truly choosing cigarettes over a cute guy. Charlotte jumps in and tells her how much they all hate her dirty, disgusting smoking habit, which is also killing her, and that they only put up with it 'cause they love her. Carrie gets annoyed at being "ganged up on", and insists that smoking is a part of who she is. She looks over at Samantha for support and goes, "Right..?" but Samantha tells her that, unlike her struggle to stand up to a bitchy woman so she can continue dating her hot brother, holding onto her nasty cigarette habit is "just whack".
Carrie is hanging with Stanford at her apartment, drinking, smoking, and ranting that her friends' objections to her "fabulous" cigarette habit is total bullshit. Stanford, meanwhile, grumbles about Marty Mendleson's bizarre doll collection and thinks it's too freaky, even for him. Carrie mulls that over and urges him to reconsider giving Marty the heave-ho...then decides to follow her own advice, and announces that she's going to quit smoking to see if Aidan is worth going through nicotine withdrawal for.
Steve reminds Miranda that she promised to come outside and watch him shoot hoops in preparation for the Knick's game half-court shot. Miranda irritably points at all of the boxes of legal documents her firm just couriered to the apartment and says she's too busy for his nonsense...and Steve throws a tantrum, drops a few f-bombs, and demands that she believe in him and in their relationship, regardless of how fucking stupid she thinks it is.
In the next scene, Miranda has caved and finds Steve shooting hoops in a nearby park. She throws him a bone by loudly cheering him on...which makes him beam with pleasure. Carrie voice-overs that even though he missed the half-court shot on game day, Miranda's fake support made him "feel like a million bucks". I really like Steve, but he's definitely starting to venture into Man-child Territory.
Carrie stops by Aidan's furniture store to announce that she's quitting cigarettes cold turkey, then pretends she was merely a casual smoker anyway. Aidan perks up at that and asks her if she'd like to go grab a coffee, and she accepts, but then tortures herself by thinking how great a cigarette would go with that coffee.
After the coffee, Carrie and Aidan stroll along...and Carrie starts to twitch after several hours of nicotine withdrawal. An oblivious Aidan asks her if she'd like to get something to eat, and she agrees to a quick bite.
Marty shows Stanford his newest dolly, and Stanford's like, "That's nice" then strips down to his underwear and steers Marty toward the bed. As the two roll around amorously, Stanford accidentally kicks one of the dolls off the bed, which results in its porcelain head getting smashed to pieces. Marty has a freakout and decides that doll breaking is a definite deal breaker.
Samantha and Chivon are out at a club when they run into Adeena, who looks less than thrilled that Samantha chose to not obey her edict to get lost. When Chivon steps away to get them some drinks, Adeena glares at Samantha and makes her displeasure known. Samantha implores her to at least get to know her before she reaches the inevitable conclusion that she's an emotionally vacant and soulless hussy - but Adeena bluntly says, "It's a black thing", makes it clear she doesn't belong here, then again orders her to leave her brother the fuck alone. Samantha turns to leave, then rethinks that decision and gets all in Adeena's face and insults her cooking by sassily pronouncing, "Your okra wasn't all that!" An enraged Adeena grabs a handful of Samantha's hair...and eventually the bouncers rush over to break up the embarrassing girlie fight.
Carrie is vibrating during dinner, unable to think of anything other than how desperately she wants to smoke the emergency cigarette she keeps hidden in her purse. Aidan asks her if she'd like some dessert, but she blurts out, "I have a deadline!" and springs up from her chair. Aidan offers to walk her home, but she cries, "No!" and scampers out of the restaurant, leaving behind her jacket. She fishes the emergency cigarette out of her purse, but then yelps when she accidentally drops it in the gutter. She carefully picks it up (gross) and lights it...and by this time Aidan is standing behind her, holding her jacket, and staring at her in dismay. As she looks up at him sheepishly, he sternly says, "We've got a little problem" and Carrie nods in agreement, unable to stop herself from puffing away.
Chivon gives Samantha a lecture about how his sister is his blood and that she's always been there for him, blah blah...then admonishes her for the sin of insulting her okra. Samantha quietly decides that Chivon is nothing more than a big black pussy who is incapable of standing up to his sister, so she gives him a friendly goodbye kiss and sashays out of the bar in her age inappropriate Jennifer Lopez-esque get-up.
Carrie decides she's going to choose the cute guy over her smelly addiction, and flushes her cigarettes down the toilet. She then stares at her horsey face in the mirror and voice-overs that she's really doing this for herself - then promptly contradicts that pronouncement when she expresses hope that Aidan will prove to be worth the effort. After that, she slaps a nicotine patch on her arm and goes off on her merry way.