Sex and the City - Season 2, Episode 18

Why, Steve? Whyyyyyy?

"Ex and the City"
Original airdate: 10/3/1999

Episode summary: Carrie goes batshit when Big announces that he and Natasha are engaged. Miranda and Steve go out for dinner, then end up hitting the sheets. Samantha meets a cocky man with a giant member.

---

Recap: Carrie and Miranda are at an outdoor flower shop. Carrie is trying to decide which assortment to buy and asks Miranda's opinion, but Miranda's too busy fiddling with her phone to give a rat's ass. When she suddenly spots Steve heading in their direction, she freezes, grabs Carrie's arm and snaps, "Fuck. Steve." Steve smiles over at them, and instead of politely waving back and saying hello like a normal person would, Miranda decides it makes more sense to grab Carrie and drag her along as she makes a run for it. As they scamper off, a confused Steve is all, "Wuh?" and the flower shop guy yells at them for carelessly throwing his flowers on the ground.

Miranda debriefs the gals about her near run-in with Steve, and Carrie adds that Steve looked so hurt while they were running off.  Miranda says she can't be expected to stand around and chit-chat with a man who's been inside her, then says she doesn't get how people are able to remain friends with exes. Samantha concurs and says that she's such a childishly oversexed freak that she's never been able to maintain a friendship with a man, period, then makes one of her inane, man-hating Sex and the City pronouncements: "Women are for friendship, men are for fucking." Charlotte chimes in and says if a guy doesn't want a relationship with her, he doesn't get to retain her as a platonic friend. Miranda says she'd love to be a lot more gracious after a breakup - but anytime she splits with someone, she'd rather they stop existing. Carrie mutters, "It's so childish", and when Miranda's all, "Wuh?" Carrie hastily says she's not calling her childish (though sort of), but rather the way they all keep dresses they'll never wear again, yet throw away ex-boyfriends. She wails, "Where does the love go?!" and Samantha shoots her a bewildered look and snaps, "To his next girlfriend!" Carrie rejects that notion, as it pertains to hers/Big's situation, and says there's no way that the love she and Big shared is anything close to whatever he has with Natasha. Miranda snickers and remarks that this is the first time she didn't refer to Big's new woman as the idiot stick figure with no soul...which, incidentally, sounds more like a spot-on description of Carrie. Carrie sheepishly tells them she recently spotted Big and Natasha at a cafe and couldn't help but notice how happy they looked together...and seeing it first hand helped convince her that it's truly over between them, and that she's truly OK with that. A few seconds later, they all agree that Natasha is a "totally bullshit name".

"I can't be friends with a man after he's been inside me."

"I can't be friends with a man who might possibly ever be inside me. It's why I've never contemplated having male friends."

Carrie's in her apartment, sitting next to her laptop and puffing away on a cigarette. She vacantly stares into space, wondering how possible it is to transform a once passionate love affair into something resembling friendship. She mulls that over for a few seconds, then types, "I couldn't help but wonder, can you be friends with an ex?"

On Sunday afternoon, Steve drops by Miranda's apartment to give her the what-for for rudely running away from him the other day. He says, "It was a shitty, shitty thing you did" and Miranda tries to deny doing it, then tearfully admits that she wasn't expecting to run into him, and doesn't do well with ex-boyfriends. She then tells him how much she misses him and wails, "I'm a shitty, shitty person!" - no duh - but then Steve argues that he's the shitty, shitty person for coming over to her apartment to call her shitty. The two laugh at their collective shittiness, and Miranda says, "I miss you" and that whenever anything funny happens, she always wants to tell him about it. He says she still can, and that it's actually possible for them to forge a relationship that doesn't involve bumping and grinding. Miranda mulls over that foreign notion and tentatively agrees to give it a shot.

While out for a jog in Central Park, Charlotte sees a brown horse and stares at it nostalgically. It triggers a memory of the last time she was atop her horse Taddy...before he threw her and caused her to break her collarbone. Apparently, she hasn't been on a horse since, which...riveting.

Samantha sashays out of her building decked out in a bright red slinky dress. She passes a good looking man, and two lock eyes and stare at each other hungrily. She pauses in front of the nearest store to gather her sensibilities, and the good looking man approaches her and gushes, "You look amaaaazing." Samantha coyly clutches her chest and breathily asks, "Excuse me, but do I know you?" He says no, but figured that since she just brazenly checked him out with her tongue hanging out she'd be a super easy lay. Samantha applauds his directness, so he hands her his card, then grins and says, "Call me." Samantha purrs about his awesome cockiness, then promises to consider it.

"Do I know you?"

"No. I was just thinking how astonishingly easy it would probably be to get you in the sack."

Carrie decides to give friendship with Mr. Big a try, so she dials his number...but when Natasha answers, she abruptly hangs up. When she remembers that Big has caller ID, she slaps her head for her childish stupidity and quickly dials his number again. This time Big answers and asks her if she just called, and she admits she did and pretends she somehow accidentally got cut off. She asks him how Natasha is doing, and he goes, "Great. How are you?" and she breezily says, "I am A-OK." Big says, "You sound a little nuts" - bwahahaha!! - and Carrie says it's 'cause it's weird being platonic with him...then proposes they go forth in life as friends. Big says he'd like that, especially since he didn't think she'd ever want to hear from him again. The two agree to meet for lunch the next day.

Carrie struts into a swanky restaurant wearing a form fitting pink dress. A nervous looking Big greets her with a kiss on the cheek, then trips on some steps as they're being led to their table...and Carrie delights in his obvious nervousness. After the initial awkwardness of trying to act like platonic friends, the two order drinks and spend the next hour exchanging fun banter about their time as a couple. When there's a break in the conversation, Carrie taps on her glass with a spoon and says, "Go ahead, friend. Tell me about the girl." Big looks pleasantly surprised and goes, "Really?" - but when he proceeds to tell her how sweet Natasha is, Carrie cuts him off and barks, "Okay, enough! Don't tell me about the girl. No can do." She suggests a pact: they refrain from telling each other about their relationships until they become serious. Big furrows his brows and replies, "It is serious. We're engaged." Carrie's despondently stares into space as she digests the shocking news, then drops her head in her hands and moans, "Aaahhhh...I just got a splitting headache." Big says he wasn't sure how to tell her the news without risking her going batshit, and she glares at him and snaps, "Engaged??!!" and reminds him that he has a problem with commitment and once declared he never wanted to get married again, ever. He mumbles, "Things change" and Carrie snaps, "What? You just didn't want to marry me!" Well, d'yuh. Big starts to say, "Natasha and I - " but Carrie cuts him off by screeching, "Don't you dare say her name to me!!" then leaps up from her chair and knocks it over when her purse straps get all tangled up. She accuses him of stringing her along for two years, only to run off to Paris to hook up with and propose to a twenty-five year old he's only known for five months. When Big tries to help her untangle her purse, she shrieks, "Don't you help me!" and storms off...and while she's doing that, she nearly trips on the same steps that Big stumbled on earlier. She bitchily admonishes the waitstaff for the dangerous stairs, then storms toward the exit. OMFG - what a deranged, self-absorbed, histrionic lunatic this woman is.

"Natasha and I are getting married."

"Oh my Goddddddddd. I just felt my heart shatter into thousands of tiny pieces."

Carrie goes to a horse stable with Charlotte...but she turns out to be lousy company: puffing on her stupid cigarette and bitching about getting horse poo on her tacky $300 shoes. Charlotte wanks her about how amazing she is in how she's handling the Big news (?) then says, "I would be in a hospital or something." When the stable guy brings over a gorgeous horse for Charlotte to ride, Carrie complains about his whinnying, then goes on a bitter, nonsensical rant about how she broke Big in, and the idiot stick figure with no soul gets to ride him. She then bitches again about getting horse poo on her shoes. I'm amazed that no one on staff at the stables didn't get fed up enough about her attitude or smoking to at least threaten to throw her out. Charlotte nervously tries to mount the horse, then decides she can't go through with the ride after all. She mutters, "No...can't..." and pulls Carrie with her as she flees the stable.

Samantha and Mr. Cocky are about to hit the sheets. She tells him she never picks up guys on the street (not counting the times she's streetwalking) unless they're very cute, then purrs at him to join her on the bed. Mr. Cocky says that before they proceed, he needs to warn her about the ginormous size of his penis. Samantha perks up and starts purring in earnest, so her warns her that he's very very huge, and most women can't handle his oversized meat. Samantha coos, "I'm not most women" then orders him to unzip his pants and bring his monstrous cock over to the bed. Mr. Cocky drops his pants, and Samantha's all, "Ack!" and looks aghast.

"Most women can't handle the size of my...member."

"Ack! I have doubts that even my well worn cooch would be able to accommodate something that large."

Samantha tells Carrie that the sight of Mr. Cocky's cock was shocking, and that it looked like a wall of flesh coming at her. She adds she's definitely going to have to psych herself up before trying to impale herself with that thing again.

Steve and Miranda hang out at her apartment after going out for dinner. He insists on getting his FDNY t-shirt back, and Miranda whines about how she really loves it, but then reluctantly gives it back to him. He thanks her for going to dinner with him, then leans in and gives her a cheek kiss...which leads to a neck kiss...which then leads to them rolling around on her peach colored bed sheets. In the next scene, they're both sitting in her bed, post coitus, looking bewildered. They discuss their reasons for breaking up, and Steve seems to now regret that decision and asks Miranda to clarify what they are to each other now. Miranda tells him they're friends...who just happen to have sex.

Samantha psychs herself up for Mr. Cocky's cock by smoking a joint and doing lamaze style breathing exercises. She tells him he may begin doinking her now...but before he's able to do any penetrating, she chickens out and asks him if they could just be friends. Mr. Cocky grunts sadly and collapses on top of her.

Charlotte is in Central Park, walking a horse and feeding him carrots. When she finally feels brave enough, she mounts him and starts trotting through the park. Thank goodness that pointless subplot has been resolved.

For some God-only-knows-why reason, Mr. Big calls up Carrie...and looks dismayed when he gets her answering machine. He gabbles about how bad he feels about what happened at lunch, and that he didn't mean to break the news about his engagement like that. Please. Carrie would never not have gone ape-shit, regardless of how the news was delivered. Carrie, meanwhile, is standing in her apartment, hovering over the phone as she carefully listens to Big. He tells her he's sorry and wouldn't deliberately hurt her, and she snatches up the receiver and says, "I know you wouldn't." She apologizes for behaving like a total lunatic in the restaurant, then concedes that maybe it really is time to move on. Ya think?? She wishes him all the best and hopes that someday they can all meet for a drink and be great friends...like people do in the movies.

Carrie is sitting on her bed, going through a stack of mail. One of the items is an invitation to Big's and Natasha's engagement party. She glares at it hatefully and shoves it off of her bed with her foot.

Carrie is out for drinks with the gals, rambling on and on about how her ex is at the Plaza Hotel, six blocks away, enjoying his engagement brunch. She glumly says she can feel them over there as they eat shrimp (?), then moans, "Why her???" Miranda brightens as though she just stumbled onto a brilliant theory and says, "One word: Hubbell." When Samantha scrunches her face in confusion, Miranda elaborates, "Hubbell Gardiner in The Way We Were", then explains that in the famous movie he dumps the curly haired girl, Katie, to marry a much prettier, more elegant girl with straight hair. Carrie gasps and shrieks, "I'm a Katie girl!" and Charlotte chimes in and says she always cries at the last scene when Katie says, "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell." The three then sing Memories, which goes on way too long and becomes tedious to watch. Samantha glances around, hoping that the other customers aren't laughing too hard at the embarrassing spectacle...and then, out of nowhere she cries, "I miss James!" Er...OK, but didn't you dump him 'cause his dick was too small?

Carrie struts over to the Plaza and watches as Big gets Natasha settled into the limo. Before he can climb inside, he spots Carrie and ambles over to her, saying, "The party's over." Carrie mutters, "I'll say it is" then pretends that she just happened to be walking by on her way home. She stares at him mournfully and asks, "Why wasn't it me?" - OMFG - and Big winces and stammers, "I dunno. It just got so hard. And she's - " and Carrie quickly says, "Yeah." As Natasha stares over at her fiance and his stalker, Carrie touches Big's face and smarmily says, "Your girl is lovely, Hubbell." A confused Big goes, "I don't get it" and Carrie retorts, "You never did", then whirls around on her tacky heels and struts off, smirking stupidly. She then caps off Season 2 by spouting the most pitifully self-serving, delusional nonsense yet to be uttered on Sex and the City:

"Maybe I didn't break Big.
Maybe the problem was he couldn't break me.
Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.
Maybe they need to run free until they find someone...just as wild to run with."

Or maybe Big just dumped you for a nicer, more mentally stable woman, asshole.

Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

---