Recap: At the Peach Pit, Dylan and Matt are regaling Gina and Kelly with the story of how they spent last night in a pool hall and beat a couple of hustlers at their own game. Kelly chides Dylan for being a bad influence on Matt, and Dylan's like, "Whatever" and proposes that the four of them go on a double date to the pool hall tonight so that he and Matt can hustle the hustlers some more. Gina says she prolly can't make it 'cause Oksana Baiul is in town, and the two have pretend plans to hang at Oksana's swanky beach house. She brags about how she used to train with Oksana shortly before Oksana won Olympic gold in Lillehammer - and Kelly's all, "Phew!" 'cause she's totes not into the idea of going on a double date that includes Gina. David, meanwhile, runs into Shadoe Stevens at the counter. He introduces himself to the legendary radio host and gushes that he's the reason he got into radio [damn you, Shadoe]. Shadoe mumbles something about currently having a temporary gig in Riverside, and David's like, "Kewl!" and invites him to be interviewed on his After Dark radio show later. Kelly tells Dylan it's weird that he and Matt are suddenly such great buddies...and the two stare at each other hungrily even when Matt returns to the table after paying the check. Casa Martin. Felice bitches at Papa Martin about the mini marshmallows in the fruit salad as Donna tries to ignore their bickering and gabbles about the latest at the boutique. Papa Martin snaps at Felice to just pick the damn marshmallows out if she doesn't want to eat them - right? - and Donna hands him a repayment of the loan he floated to her and Kelly to renovate Now Wear This. I wondered where all that money had come from. He beams and gushes about how proud of her he is for being such an accomplished business woman...and then he and Felice stare at her sadly and remark on how their little baby is all grown up. And speaking of her being all grown up, they have some bad news to break to her: they're separating. The Walsh house. As Donna bustles around Noah's room and organizes his clothes, she explains that this is what she does whenever she's deeply upset. She moans about how her parents have been married for twenty-five years and assumes that it was her uppity mother who drove her father away. I'd definitely leap right to that assumption too. She tells Noah about the time she caught Felice having an affair at the Bel Age Hotel, then decides she's going to interject herself in her parents' failing marriage, starting with a stern talking-to with Felice at the Peach Pit. The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are meeting with Peter the child prodigy and his mom in preparation for a feature story about the kid in the next issue of the Beat. Steve expresses concern that Peter is so focused on academia that he's missing out on all the fun of childhood. He asks Peter if he's a Lakers fan, and Peter rolls his eyes with disdain and tells Janet, "I'm sorry you have to work with such a dullard." Heh. Gina meets with Oksana's assistant, who tells her that Oksana will be in Montreal while she housesits her beach pad. I guess all that talk about them being training buddies was bullcack - shocker. She snippily gives Gina a rundown of the housesitting rules: no guests, no joyriding in Oksana's Mercedes, and remember to feed the expensive fish. After Dark. David is interviewing Shadoe Stevens on the air and is visibly disappointed in Shadoe's lacklustre performance as an interviewee. Gina arrives at the pool hall, sees Kelly shooting stick, and proposes that she and Kelly team up against Dylan and Matt. Suddenly, the two hustlers from last night stagger over and confront Dylan and Matt, then demand a chance to win their money back. When one of the men gets overly surly, Dylan punches him in the face, which seemed like a strangely disproportionate reaction. As Dylan and Matt engage in their contrived rumble, Kelly and Gina hide together under the pool table. After Dark. David's station manager, Rick, drops by to loudly chastise David for playing outdated songs and interviewing a boring has-been like Shadoe Stevens...and he says this right in front of Shadoe to ensure maximum humiliation. Douchebag. The Peach Pit. Felice tells Donna that Papa Martin has found himself an apartment, then haughtily declares that the only way she's giving up her country club membership is if someone pries it out of her cold, dead hands. Donna calls her out on her cunty selfishness, then throws her extramarital affair from the Things To Do on a Rainy Day episode in her face and says it was the first nail in the coffin that is the current state of her dysfunctional marriage. Felice looks taken aback by Donna's frankness and tells her that lately she's been in this marriage by herself 'cause Papa Martin refuses to talk to her about anything, and that he initiated the separation completely out of the blue. Donna sheepishly mumbles, "I didn't know" and Felice says she should be pointing her finger at her father, and then huffily gets up and leaves. The Beverly Beat. Peter's mom drops by the newsroom to deliver a personalized calendar made up of various photos of Peter, which was kind of a weird gift. She tells Steve and Janet that she loooooved the article they wrote about her son, and that it's led to a lot of press attention. She asks them what they know about the upcoming magic show at the After Dark, and Steve tells her they're friends with the people organizing it. When Peter's mom hints that Peter really loooooves magic, Janet offers to take the lad to the show. Casa Martin. Donna and Noah arrive at the house just as Papa Martin is loading his stuff into his swanky new convertible. Donna makes a blech face at his mid-life-crisis car and tells him he should probably go get himself some counselling. Papa Martin's all, "Wha-a?" so Donna admonishes him for keeping her and Felice in the dark about why he wants a separation. He just stares helplessly at her, unable to offer a reasonable explanation for wanting the little time he has left to be free of a judgey, domineering woman like Felice. Gina is ferrying Matt, Dylan, and Kelly around town in Oksana's Mercedes. She brags that she and Oksana are such good friends that Oksana always lets her borrow the car for as long as she wants. When the foursome arrives at the After Dark, Oksana's assistant, who somehow knew she could find Gina there, gets all in her face about forgetting to feed the $3,000 fish, which died of starvation. She orders Gina to return the Mercedes by morning, then loudly rails about how Gina is mediocre at skating, housesitting, and probably everything else she does...and Gina just mutely stares into space looking mortified. Beach house. Donna sneakily arranges for the family priest to drop by her apartment at the same time she invites her parents over. Papa Martin gets angry when he realizes he's been ambushed...and after bickering with Felice for a few minutes, he chastises Donna for not respecting his privacy, and storms out. Smooth, Donna. After Dark. Shortly before the magic show, Steve and Janet take Peter backstage to meet Dr. Van Fertle, the magician/hypnotist. He swings a watch in front of Peter's face and for some reason takes a disliking to the boy and mutters, "You're nothing but a dumb kid" and from the glazed look on Peter's face, it looks like that negative message is starting to seep inside his gifted brain. Elsewhere in the club, David apologizes to Shadoe Stevens for Rick's bitchy outburst the other day...then tells him he looked into his temporary Riverside gig and found out he was bullshitting. When he asks him whassup with his lying, as if anything that goes on in Shadoe's life is any of his business, Shadoe bitterly retorts that he's just a washed up radio DJ. Gina is mortified by being publicly rebuked by Oksana's assistant - but Kelly tells her to not let it ruin her night and urges her to stay for the magic show. Gina agrees and gamely goes over to the bar to help Matt with the drinks...and while they're doing that, Noah goes on stage and welcomes everyone to Magic Night. He introduces Dr. Van Fertle, who bumbles his way through his introductory schtick, and then asks for a volunteer. Kelly is selected, and she goes on stage and agrees to be hypnotized. Van Fertle swings his watch in front of her face and asks her to count backwards...then gets her to do embarrassing stuff like cluck like a chicken. He then tells her he's going to ask her a question to which she must give him an honest answer, then asks her who she'd most like to be stuck on a desert island with. Would a hypnotist really ask that? She chirps, "Dylan McKay" ... and Matt and Gina are all, "Wha-a?!" while Dylan slouches in his seat and grins smugly. The magician then counts backwards and tells Kelly she will remember nothing of what has just happened, and then - poof! - the spell is broken. Kelly goes back to the table, bemused by how upset everyone looks. When she asks whassup, Matt replies, "Nothing. You just told the truth" then angrily stalks off. As Matt broods at the bar, Kelly rushes over and explains that she probably just named Dylan as her most desired desert island mate 'cause he was the last person she saw before going on stage. Gina rails at Dylan about how Kelly is 'a fake bitch'...and when Kelly rushes over to explain, Gina smacks her across the face and storms out of the club. She really does seem to enjoy smacking the people who displease her. Peter is suddenly acting like a babbling little fool. As he eats a delicious looking sundae with Steve and Janet, he announces that he's tired of his stupid sundae and wants to go to Burger World. An alarmed Janet senses something amiss and asks him the square root of something, and he just stares back at her quizzically and goes, "What's a square root?" Janet tells Steve that the hypnotist must have broken his brain down to Steve's mental capacity - and Steve's like, "Woo hoo!" and then he and Peter simultaneously chant, "Burger World! Burger World!" In the After Dark parking lot, Gina is enraged when she notices that Oksana's Mercedes has a flat tire. A man comes rushing over and asks her if she's OK, then sees the tire and offers to help her out with that in exchange for a drink. Gina nervously starts babbling gibberish...and while she's doing that, the man pulls out a knife, grabs her, and orders her to get into his car. Gina shrieks and manages to fight him off, then races back towards the After Dark and runs straight into Dylan's arms. When she tells him that a strange, knife wielding man just tried to abduct her, Dylan runs over toward her car but can't find a trace of him. Kelly, who exited the club with Dylan, looks skeptical about the alleged attacker, then comes right out and accuses Gina of lying about being attacked 'cause she likes the attention. Noah and David take Shadoe Stevens backstage to look at Van Fertle's various magic accessories. David enters a large box to see if he can make himself disappear...then starts fake panicking and says he can't find the latch to let himself out. Noah fiddles with the box for a couple of seconds, then also fake panics and says he can't find the latch either! David urgently tells Shadoe he's going to have to rush back to the DJ booth to cover for him on the air, and Shadoe is all, "Egads!" and races to the booth to save the radio station from a dead air situation. Noah lets David out of the box via a back door...and then the two covertly watch Shadoe as he takes over for David, performing just as brilliantly as David predicted he would, once given the chance. Donna whines to Kelly that her parents' separation is breaking her heart, wah wah. She then asks Kelly what happened at the magic show last night, and Kelly furrows her brows and says she has no memory of hypothetically choosing Dylan over Matt if she were ever stuck on a deserted island. Donna suggests that maybe it reflects how she really feels, and Kelly mulls that over as she stares contemplatively into space. Noah interrupts Papa Martin's golf game to caution him against throwing his whole life away, the way his shitty parents did. Papa Martin explains that a friend of his recently died of a heart attack at the age of fifty-two, right here on the golf course...and that, plus his recent stroke, got him thinking about all the fun things he had planned to do during his retirement but hasn't yet gotten around to doing. He grumbles about how Felice has no interest in doing anything he enjoys, and that in general she's a prickly downer with an appalling lack of joie de vivre. Noah points out that he's never articulated any of this to her, and that maybe she'd want to do some of the stuff on his bucket list if she knew how important it was to him. Papa Martin mulls over that remote possibility as he stares contemplatively into space. Beach house. Dylan drops by to hug a teary looking Gina and inform her that he just heard on the news that there's a man on the loose in Beverly Hills who's been forcing women into his car and assaulting them. He moans, "I almost lost you" and she glares at him through her tears and snaps, "You did" and shuts the door in his face. OK, so...are they broken up now? Still not broken up? I'm just never sure. Janet and Steve take Peter to an arcade, since it appears as though his IQ is rapidly diminishing. But then - just when all hope is lost - Peter starts to spout mathematical theorems at another kid and begins to sound like his old self again. Steve scrunches his face in disappointment. Kelly drops by Matt's office with a brownie and calls it a peace offering. She apologizes for her under hypnosis faux pas last night - but he refuses to get upset, points out that they're not married, and that she should feel free to pursue a relationship with her slouchy ex if that's what she wants to do. He tells her he loves her, but that he's going to need some time to process her deeply rooted feelings for Dylan. A dejected looking Kelly heads toward the door, but then Matt decides he's had enough processing time, and pulls her towards him for a smooch. Casa Martin. Donna and Noah are about to take Felice out to a movie - but she lowers herself on the staircase and has a tearful breakdown. She tearfully laments how quickly everything has gotten out of control and wonders aloud what she did wrong. Papa Martin enters the house at that moment and says she did nothing wrong, and that she's not responsible for his unhappiness. He sits next to her and admits that he could have made it easier for her to listen when he needed to talk about his mortality...then gives a shout-out to Noah for making him realize that his marriage is worth fighting for. If you say so, John. The next morning, Gina is changing the flat tire in the After Dark parking lot when Kelly comes over to apologize for accusing her of lying about being attacked last night. Gina laments not having the glamorous life she figured she'd have by now, and Kelly advises her to let go of all of her disappointments. Gina bitchily asks her if she can promise to let go of Dylan, and Kelly firmly replies, "I promise" and saunters back to her car. The Beverly Beat. Peter admits to Steve, Janet, and his mom that he was just faking being hypnotized. He explains that he doesn't want to disappoint anyone - but isn't ready to go off to college and would prefer to experience the kind of "kid fun" that Steve has introduced him to. His mom is totes agreeable to that and tells him that college can wait...and then Steve offers to take the brainy imp to Magic Mountain. After Dark. Shadoe thanks David for the opportunity to jump back into DJing. A few seconds later, Rick drops by the DJ booth to compliment Shadoe for last night's performance, then says the station was immediately flooded with calls, gushing about how much they looooved listening to his raspy voice and amusing anecdotes. Rick offers Shadoe a permanent gig at the radio station, and explains that they're trying to broaden their audience base to include older listeners. Shadoe accepts the job, then thanks David for taking a nosy interest in his failing career. Beach house. Dylan tells Gina he's tired of pissed off people, then gives her a half-hearted apology for whatever she's been mad about during much of the episode. Gina forgives him and pulls him close for a smoochfest...and as they canoodle, Kelly peers out the window and stares longingly at Dylan while he stares longingly at her over Gina's shoulder. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
8 Comments
Recap: Matt warns David and Claudia that getting married to obtain a green card is illegal, and that the INS monitors this kind of thing very closely. They mete out harsh fraud-related penalties for the American involved, and deport the non-citizen with no hope for re-entry. On the other hand, if they're able to convince the INS that they're a legit couple, Claudia can get a green card in two years and live in the States happily ever after. After Dark. Gina tells Noah how jazzed she is about the raffle for a "fantasy dinner" with fictional rock star Cole Younger...and gets even more excited about it when Noah tells her that Dylan is fixing it so that her name is called as the winner. When Dylan slouches over a few minutes later, Gina silently gives him a big thank you smooch. Kelly, meanwhile, gabbles to Matt about the UGE crush she used to have on Cole Younger, and that when she was a teenager, it was "Cole Younger this, Cole Younger that". Nope, don't recall her ever uttering a word about any Cole Younger during Seasons 1-3. Noah and Dylan take the stage to announce the winner of the raffle, and Dylan pulls out a ticket from the big bin, ignores the name of the actual winner, and chirps, "And the winner is...Kelly Taylor!" Noah's all, "Wha-a?" and tells Dylan he just told Gina he was fixing the raffle so she'd win, and a bemused Dylan is all, "I didn't know Gina liked Cole Younger." Gina storms over to where Matt and Kelly are sitting and snarks about how Dylan fixed the raffle in her favor...and Kelly grins smugly and tells her she's making too much of this. Law office. Kelly is filming Matt as he advertises his legal services in order to promote his failing law practice. He tells Kelly it feels weird to be doing this, then whines about how he's not at all where he wants to be in his career. That's probably 'cause you're a very shitty lawyer, Matt. Kelly offers to take control of the operation and assures him that she can help him appear far more dynamic on film than he actually is. The Beverly Beat. Steve fires the paper's psychic, Zoe, 'cause she hasn't been able to make any reliable predictions lately. She gets irked and delivers a prediction which sounds more like an evil witch's curse: by week's end, Steve won't be able to get it up, and will wear pink. Steve and Janet giggle at the outrageousness of her predications and stand firm in their decision to fire her. The Walsh house. David drops by to tell Donna and Noah that he and Claudia are getting married so she won't get deported to Venezuela. Noah approves of the idea, since it'll take David off the market, but Donna thinks it's crazy to marry someone you hardly know. Noah asks David if he loves Claudia, and he's like, "Um...yeah, sorta" and asks Donna if she wouldn't mind making his bride a wedding dress. Beach house. Dylan drops by looking for Gina, but instead runs into Kelly. She tells him that fixing the raffle probably wasn't a great idea, considering the fact that they're both seeing other people. But that said, she's super excited to have dinner with her fave rock star. As she gives him a thank you hug, Gina arrives home, scowls at the sight of them hugging, and snaps, "Ah, the happy couple!" then storms off to her room. West Beverly High. Donna arrives (with Noah in tow) to meet with the head of drama, Mr. Bigelow, in order to show him her design sketches for the play's costumes. Sounds kind of extravagant for a high school play. Donna tells Noah that all the kids looooved Mr. Bigelow 'cause he's so super awesome at buoying the confidence of young people. One of the volunteers there is Ashley Reese, who Donna explains to Noah was her freshman "big sister" but then started hating her for no reason. (There are plenty of reasons to hate you, Donna.) Ashley, who looks a bit drunk, struts onto the stage and starts reciting lines from a past play, then rambles about how Mr. Bigelow repeatedly molested her when she was in high school. The bewildered students are all, "Wha-a?" ... and when Donna tries to get her to shut up, she runs off. The Walsh house. Steve is mortified when he's unable to get it up, but Janet assures him she doesn't care, and also doesn't believe that his sudden flaccidity has anything at all to do with Zoe's prediction. As Steve gets dressed, Janet points at his boxers and remarks on their pinkness...and Steve, who was somehow unaware that he was putting on pink boxers, stares down at them in horror. Janet breezily says he obviously forgot to separate his reds from whites while doing laundry. David brings Claudia to a photography studio, where there are all kinds of fake backdrops and outfits they can use to take photos of themselves on trips they never actually took. They put on parkas, grab a pair of skis, and stand in front of a fake wintery backdrop. After Dark. Kelly arrives at the club, all dressed up for her fantasy dinner with Cole Younger. She runs into Dylan, who scrunches his face in confusion and informs her that Cole's limo has already left. The camera then pans over to the inside of the limo, where Cole is sitting next to Gina, who's decked out in a red leather vest top and pretending she's Kelly Taylor. Incidentally, Cole looks like a temperamental, disheveled creep. Donna is closing up the boutique when Ashley stops by to tell her that she wasn't just rambling drunken nonsense earlier: Mr. Bigelow really did molest her when she was a teenager. She was too ashamed to step forward at the time, and of course assumed it was all her fault. She tells Donna that as a result of the molestation, she drinks too much, can't work, or function in a relationship. Yikes. She says she now wants justice for what he did and needs Donna to back her up - but Donna says she can't do that 'cause she only has good memories of the alleged perv. After Dark. Steve is having problems flagging down a waitress to take their drink orders, so Janet suggests they go home, have some wine, and cuddle up together in front of the fire. She assures him that his flaccid penis problems don't matter to her - but he remains obsessed about his inability to "perform". When the waitress finally does come to their table, Janet orders a penis colada, then saucily adds, "Make it a stiff one." Bwahahahaha! The Peach Pit. Donna is meeting with Mr. Bigelow, who insists that Ashley's molestation claims are false and that he's considering suing her for defamation. Donna's like, "Ewww...could we just talk about the costumes?" and Bigelow ignores her obvious discomfort and rails about obsessed Ashley was with him and bitter about not getting into Juilliard...so now, ten years later, she's taking it out on him by accusing him of molesting her, 'cause yeah that sounds reasonable. He says that the school board has scheduled a hearing to discuss the matter and asks Donna to sign a petition in support of his awesomeness, which of course she does. After Dark. Cole Younger leaps atop the stage for his scheduled performance and dedicates his first song to Kelly Taylor - and then points over at Gina. Kelly storms over to Gina to give her the what-for for impersonating her, and an amused Gina says if she's nice, she'll introduce her to Cole as her homely cousin. As she's flouncing off, Dylan furrows his brows and tells Gina, "I hope it was worth it" and she snaps, "It was. Don't wait up" and turns her back on him. Someone please explain to me how these two could still possibly be a couple. Bel Age Hotel. Dylan drops by Cole's hotel room, and Cole sneeringly asks him what the hell he wants now that he's fulfilled his obligation by performing at his "cheesy little club". Dylan explains that his girlfriend Gina is posing as Kelly Taylor...and then the camera pans over the bathroom, where we see Gina standing in the doorway, wet from a shower and wrapped in a towel. She and Dylan glare at each other hatefully until Dylan orders her to get dressed so he can take her home - but she declines and says she's off to the hotel spa. When Cole tells Dylan to get lost and advances on him, Dylan smacks him in the head with the door and knocks him out cold. Gina shrieks, "Are you insane?! You can't go around hitting people with doors!" - LOL - and Dylan wryly says that obviously he can, then asks her if she's coming with him. She snaps no, and he glares at her for a few more seconds, then slouches off. Ashley drops by the boutique and tells Donna she saw the pro-Bigelow petition she signed, then asks her to please please give her the benefit of the doubt about her allegations. She explains that she was always so rude and bitchy to her in high school 'cause she knew that Bigelow was about to give her (Donna) a key to his apartment...and so she (Ashley) stepped in and used her bitchitude to distract Bigelow from defiling West Beverly's most sainted virgin by offering up herself as his next molestation victim. That's...kind of a nonsensical explanation, but OK. Steve goes to the doctor to see about his Limp Dick Situation, and the doctor assures him it's perfectly normal for men to not be able to get it up from time to time. He urges Steve to chillax and maybe put on some Barry White next time he's in the mood - but Steve demands a prescription that is guaranteed to bring his pecker back to life. The doctor sighs wearily and writes him a prescription for sugar pills and tells him that this "medication" should do the trick. Matt is shooting a second version of his promotional video, and this time his hair is all spikey greasy, and he's wearing a jazzy white suit. He complains to Kelly that he's a boring, incompetent lawyer - not a rock star, then accuses her of being infatuated with the idea of "the bad boy, the rebel" and cites her attraction to Dylan and Cole Younger as proof. Casa David. David and Claudia are looking over their photos, trying to pick out the ones that look the least contrived. Dylan arrives home and tells them he'll move out asap so they can have their privacy - but Claudia tells him it's no rush 'cause her story arc is about to come to an abrupt conclusion. When she leaves the room, Dylan praises David for picking such a nice girl to jump headfirst into a relationship with, and David's like, "You don't know the half of it!" and tells him that they're planning to have a green card wedding and took a bunch of fake vacation photos in order to fool the INS. The Beverly Beat. A horny Steve tries to seduce Janet in the newsroom - instead of waiting until they're at home like a civilized person might - but suddenly gets anxious about his ability to do the deed and goes soft. He wails that his penis has never failed him this badly before, then scrunches his face worriedly. This is...just so much more information than I ever wanted to have about the functionality of Steve's genitals. West Beverly High. Donna is watching the kids rehearse Romeo and Juliet when Bigelow does a creepy demonstration of how to grab and kiss Juliet. After the scene, Donna approaches the actress playing Juliet and asks her if Bigelow has ever invited her back to his apartment to "practice", and the girl snarks that she's soooo sick of all the fake accusations about her beloved drama teacher, then storms off. Casa David. Dylan arrives home and finds Gina sitting cross-legged on his bed. When she snidely tells him she enjoyed the spa, he snarks, "Don't forget your toothbrush" and makes it clear how pissed off at her he is for spending the night with Cole just to get a reaction out of him. She explains that her major personality dysfunction stems from her fear of not feeling safe and needing to know that if she gives of herself he won't just take it and run. He tells her for the umpteenth time that he can't/won't/doesn't want to promise anything, so she smacks him across the face twice while shrieking, "I hate you!!" and he shrieks, "I hate you back!!" Naturally, getting smacked in the face twice turns Dylan on so much that he pushes Gina up against the wall and starts roughly kissing her, and naturally she gets all into it and smooches him intensely before they strip off their clothes and headbutt each other as they make their way over to the bed. Of all the stupid TV tropes I've endured over the years, the 'I hate you so much I suddenly want to fuck your brains out' trope has to be the dumbest one to watch. The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Zoe that her prediction didn't come true - but Janet lets it slip that he has been experiencing a Limp Dick Situation for the past week or so, but is much better now. Steve offers to hire Zoe back, and she's delighted to accept and grabs the check from Janet. A few seconds after she leaves, the doctor calls Steve to inform him that the pills he prescribed were nothing but sugar pills. Steve's all, "Wha-a?!!" and orders Janet to stop payment on Zoe's check. Post-coitus, Gina tells Dylan she didn't do anything with Cole, then get miffed that he's not making any jealousy-induced demands for information about what did actually happen. Dylan grunts disinterestedly and tells her that she thinks too much, and advises her to let it go 'cause he gives far too little a shit about who she doinks to talk about it anymore. She asks him if he cheated on her with Kelly in Mexico, and he's like, "Nope." She says she still remains skeptical 'bout that, but is willing to let it go. For now. After Dark. Claudia tells David she's decided to return to Venezuela, and David breathes a quiet sigh of relief and says he totally would have gone through with a green card marriage for her. She says, "I know", then tells him she was afraid that eventually he'd hate her for having to do it and that they'd both regret it. The two hug, and I guess that's that. West Beverly High. Donna is hanging around backstage, watching as Ashley tries to get the Juliet actress to admit that Bigelow has been molesting her. Donna notices that the girl painting scenery a few feet away is actively eavesdropping and looking very upset. Donna goes over to her and asks her if she's OK...and when she starts crying, Donna asks her if Bigelow ever gave her a key to his apartment. The girl nods and pulls it out of her pocket...and Donna hugs her, then assures her (as well as Ashley) that Bigelow's creepy grab-handsy behavior is not their fault. The Walsh house. Kelly arrives and finds Dylan sitting on the front porch. He admits that it was a dumb move to fix the raffle in her favor, and then the two reminisce about the summer they cheated on Brenda, aka back when Beverly Hills, 90210 was enjoying its heyday. The two go inside, and Matt looks less than thrilled to see them arrive together, but gets over it a few seconds later. Donna, meanwhile, brings Ashley to the party, who announces to everyone that the school board fired Bigelow and charges will be pressed. Hurray! Kelly shows Matt the video she sent to the local TV stations to promote his lawyering, and it's the boring one of him in a sweater vest. David and Claudia announce to the 90210 gang that they've decided to not go through with their green card wedding after all. Claudia is going back to Venezuela to renew her visa and will hopefully return shortly (note: we never see or hear from her ever again). She asks everyone to promise to keep DAH-vid's virginity intact, and everyone chortles at the oddness of that request. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly and Matt are at the Peach Pit, on a double date with Donna and Noah, who are feeding each other ice cream and sucking face to an obliviously nauseating degree. Kelly stares at Matt with an icked out expression and urges him to get the check right now. As Matt's off doing that, a woman named Jeannine approaches Noah with a proposal to buy the Peach Pit/After Dark building so she can open a second restaurant in Beverly Hills. She hands him her card, and Donna and Kelly cluck their disapproval at Noah for even entertaining the idea of selling the Pit, since it would entail throwing Nat out on his arse...and they cluck as if nine long seasons with that obnoxious busybody hasn't been more than enough torture for the viewers who were already sick of his ugly mug back in Season 1. After Dark. David urges Claudia to go with him to a movie 'cause apparently she has a screen credit in it for doing the makeup. She tells him she can't be late for her night job, mopping up the After Dark, but David promises he'll pitch in and help her out with the cleaning. Matt, meanwhile, tells Kelly he's not quite ready to go home with her 'cause his breakup with Lauren is still too fresh. But he expects to fully come around by the time the end credits start rolling. Now Wear This. Kelly informs Donna that she's hired a PR consultant named Pia Swanson to promote the boutique. Donna scrunches her big face in irritation and tells Kelly she wishes she'd talked to her about it first, but Kelly says she was busy working on the fall line, which she didn't consult her about. Well, OK...but I think we can safely assume that Donna's "fall line" will feature an array of spaghetti string sack style dresses fashioned out of orange and black fabric. Pia arrives for their meeting and confidently tells the two she can put their boutique "on the map". The Beverly Beat. Steve gabbles to Janet how super excited he is about St. Patrick's Day, 'cause it'll give him an excuse to scam their readership about a leprechaun and fake pot o' gold. He introduces her to Lou - a little person and the same actor who played Kramer's friend Mickey on Seinfeld - and giddily refers to him as The Leprechaun of Beverly Hills. Steve plans to run a story that will fake promise a pot o' gold to anyone who's able to capture the leprechaun. This harebrained scheme sounds so insulting and so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even. Gina rushes over to Casa David after being summoned by Dylan, 'cause she can't seem to cut the cord with the moody slouchster and find someone who might actually care about her as a person. He asks her if she'd like to drive up the coast with him and go for a hike, and she reminds him that she has a job, as most people in the world do...and that it's necessary for people to work in order to have self respect. That's a bit funny, coming from someone who so gleefully celebrated scamming her aunt for $60,000 just one episode ago. She tells Dylan she has appointments with three more clients and will be done at around 5pm, then bitchily urges him to find some direction in his aimless, low energy life. After Dark. Noah is meeting with a bank guy, who irritably tells him he's behind on his mortgage payments. Noah explains that the club business "runs hot and cold, and now it's cold", but the bank guy doesn't appear to give much of a rat's ass about the profit fluctuations of the nightclub business and says they're probably going to have to foreclose on him. Matt is meeting with an engaged couple, both of whom are savvy brokers. They want him to draw up a pre-nup in order to protect themselves financially if the marriage turns sour. Matt cautions them against embarking on such an unromantic endeavor, which pretty much sums up what a shitty, misinformed hack of a lawyer he is. Beach house. Kelly, for some inane reason, confides in Gina about how bummed she is that Donna doesn't approve of her hiring Pia. Gina snidely wonders if Donna's mad 'cause it was her idea, then suggests that maybe Donna doesn't like her being too involved in the business end of things. Donna returns home and tells Kelly she doesn't think they should hire Pia 'cause the store is doing pretty well the way it is. Kelly says "doing pretty well" is not rewarding enough for her, and that she feels like her only contribution to the business is cashing out the register at the end of the day. Donna says she worries that Pia could raise customers' expectations and promise more than they can deliver...and Kelly bitchily points out that since she runs the business side of things, she's making the executive decision to hire Pia. After she flounces off to her room to set up a meeting with Pia, Gina tells Donna that Kelly obviously doesn't appreciate her work if she's going ahead and hiring a consultant without her consent. Later that evening, Donna and Kelly get together to compare notes on the opposing opinions Gina has just expressed separately to each of them, and decide that they should never again give her the opportunity to pit them against each other. Haha! Naturally, I'm just kidding about that last thing occurring. David walks Claudia back to her apartment, and the two chat about the movie they just saw. He gushes about her screen credit for doing the makeup, and she thanks him for his cheesy, overly effusive support. After a satisfying smooch, she mournfully tells DAH-vid that she has to leave the U.S. because her visa has expired, and he's all, "Wha-a?" and stares sadly into space. After Dark. Noah tells Jeannine that he would feel really really bad about selling the diner, but will do it if the price is right. Jeannine's like, "Woo hoo!" and orders a martini. Steve and Janet are parked on a city street with Lou, who's decked out in a leprechaun costume and ready to toss around gold coin chocolates and then dash back into the car without getting nabbed. Janet clutches her camera and says she's ready to document this idiocy, while Lou grumbles that he's not getting paid nearly enough to humiliate himself this badly in public. Steve offers him $200 extra, so Lou puts on his leprechaun hat and exits the car. The Peach Pit. Noah asks Nat for advice on how he prefers to deliver bad news, and Nat says he favors the direct approach. Noah's like, "OK then" and blurts out that his lease at the Pit is up, and that he has an offer for double what he's getting now...and he's decided to take it. Nat stares back at him with a look of bewildered misery. Pier. Claudia tells David that in order to stay in the country, she needs to find a job for which she is "uniquely qualified", and that seems like kind of a long shot. She tells him she's going to miss him and gives him a smooch...but David perks up as if he's suddenly had a brilliant idea. He tells her to meet him back at his place while he runs off half-cocked to try something. Beach house. Pia comes over to meet with Kelly, and somehow Gina is able to insinuate herself into the meeting without Kelly telling her to take a hike 'cause this ain't any of her business. When Pia remarks that Donna isn't present, Kelly fibs and tells her that Donna's A-OK with whatever they decide. Pia says they're going to need a gala opening...and when Kelly says the store already had an opening, Pia accurately guesses that the guests consisted mainly of friends and family. The gala opening she wants to organize will be hyped in all the trades, and that they'll pay a bunch of hot celebs to attend. Kelly frowns and says she doesn't think Donna would go for that, and Gina advises her to just not tell her. Dylan slouches into Noah's office at the After Dark, demanding to know what the hell he's doing, selling Nat "Sacred Cow" Bussichio out. Noah tells him it's a business decision, and Dylan accuses him of selling his hapless restauranteur friend to the highest bidder. He implores Noah not to do this, but Noah firmly retorts, "It's done." Hurray! Matt tells Kelly about the couple he met with who want him to draw up a pre-nup. After mulling it over, he thinks it might possibly be a smart way to go - um, d'yuh - 'cause some people need a safety net. And protection of their financial assets. And an estate planning tool. And a means of avoiding costly litigation expenses in the future, should there ever be a divorce. David returns home and tells Claudia he has great news: a movie producer, who's a big fan of his radio show (cut the shit, DAH-vid), might have a job for her and wants to meet with her this afternoon. Claudia gets all wigged out and says this doesn't give her enough time to prepare, but David assures her she'll do great, and that the movie producer fully understands her sitch. Now Wear This. When Donna hears about the gala opening, she scrunches her big face and says they already had an opening and that she thinks it's a stoopid idea. Kelly snarks at her to respect the fact that it's her idea, then storms off. Noah asks whassup with her not wanting to do another opening, so Donna tells him the store is doing fine and that she doesn't want to risk what she has. He asks her, hypothetically speaking, what she'd do if the store was failing and Kelly was to blame...and Donna sanctimoniously says she'd do everything she could to save the friendship. The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve that they got ridiculed in the Tribune as "hucksters", and Steve gets all jazzed by the free publicity for the Beat. Lou suddenly enters the newsroom, accompanied by a butcher named Todd, who claims he captured the leprechaun and now wants his pot o' gold. Steve's like, "Come on, dude, there's no such thing" and explains that it was just a promotional gag. Todd brandishes his long knife and says he's not leaving, so Janet unwraps the gold coins to show him that they're just candy. Lou starts bickering with Steve about what a stupid idea this whole thing was, and Todd snarls at them to shut up, then snaps, "I'm not an idiot." He says he's fully aware that there's no such thing as leprechauns and free pots o' gold...but insists that the Beat is still responsible for giving him a reward for finding and bringing Lou in. He then lets out a long sigh and explains that he needs the money to pay for his son's heart operation 'cause his fucktard of an insurance company doesn't cover preexisting conditions...and without the operation his son will die. As he talks about his son's dire situation, he gets choked up and puts down the long butcher's knife. David brings Claudia to her job interview...but the movie producer pulls David aside and tells him that the job was given to the niece of the company's president. When a bummed David passes along the bad news to Claudia, she graciously thanks him for trying. David refuses to give up and tells her they'll figure something out. Gala opening. Pia has organized a glitzy affair with photographers, celebrities, and various other hangers-on. Donna, who's wearing an unspeakable red bustier which scarily showcases her fake hooters in the most unflattering manner possible, excitedly tells Kelly she feels like she's at a movie premiere, then thanks her for all of her hard work. Pia comes over to gush at Donna about how much the celebrities love her designs - bwahaha! - and then she and Kelly exchange a conspiratorial smile. The Beverly Beat. Janet gives Steve a kiss for the very moving editorial he wrote about Todd and everything he's going through with his sick child. Steve says he also laments the way he treated Lou and now regrets thinking of him as solely a little person instead of a person. Gala opening. Gina indulges in her two-faced backstabbing schtick that somehow no one seems to be fully onto yet and asks Donna if she's OK with celebrities being paid to attend the party. Donna's all, "Wha-a? They're being paid?" then storms over to Kelly and asks her if it's true that these celebrities are being paid to be here. Kelly sheepishly tells her they are indeed, and Donna screeches that the event is a fraud. Kelly says it doesn't matter why the celebrities are here as long as they're creating a buzz over the store, and Donna says they can't earn respect by paying people to attend their opening, and accuses her of putting the business before their friendship. She then turns her rabid gaze to Pia and bellows, "Get out!! And take everyone with you!" and all the guests turn around and stare over at her in bewilderment. LOL. What a nutter. After Dark. David grumbles to Dylan about how Claudia's visa has expired, and that she's going to have to leave the country soon. Dylan urges him to try harder to make something happen with that, otherwise he'll always regret it. He then slouches over to where Noah is sitting and tells him that the deal he cut to sell the Peach Pit has been "uncut", meaning he bought the mortgage for the Peach Pit/After Dark building. He snidely tells Noah he now owes him his mortgage payments...but that it's a moot point 'cause he's foreclosing on him. The Beverly Beat. Janet and Steve arrive at the newsroom and are shocked to see the large pile of mail they've gotten overnight. When they open several of the cards and letters, they're stunned that each one contains a cash donation for Todd's son's heart operation. Steve chuckles and then joyfully exclaims, "It's a pot o' gold!" That it is, Steve. That it is. Now Wear This. Pia drops by to gush about how successful last night's gala opening was, and that it was an even bigger smash hit than expected because of Donna's embarrassing outburst. Donna frowns and says that people aren't liking the store for the right reasons...and Kelly agrees and fires Pia. With that settled, Kelly and Donna agree to never ever fight like that again, and then hug it out. Kelly also agrees to let her know if she's ever unhappy with their business venture. Matt tells the engaged couple that he won't draw up a pre-up for them 'cause he doesn't think they should be protected from each other. He urges them to "bet the farm" on their marriage, since there's never a guarantee against failure. Matt should maybe consider studying up a bit more on matrimonial law. The Peach Pit. Noah tells Dylan he's going to need some extra time to come up with the past due mortgage payments, then whines about how his dad recently blew his head off and left his family with zero dollars. Nat interrupts the conversation to bitchily tell Noah that no way in hell is he serving him a mega-burger after selling him down the river - LOL - and Dylan tells him to stand down, then explains that he just bought the building and is going to be making all the decisions from now on. He barks at Noah to run the After Dark and at Nat to run the Peach Pit, and hopefully never the twain shall meet from this moment hence. After Dark. Todd thanks Steve and Janet for all the donation money he received, and apparently it's more than enough to pay for his son's operation. David, meanwhile, is on the dance floor with Claudia, who gushes about how sweet he was to help her mop up the club the other night. He moans about how he'd do anything to help her stay in the U.S., so she's like, "Marry me, DAH-vid" and explains that she'd then be able to get a green card and stay put. David's like, "Sure, why the hell not?" and the two grin at each other stupidly and kiss. Casa David. Dylan and Gina are enjoying a bubble bath together. She coos approvingly about him finally doing something constructive with his money by buying the Peach Pit/After Dark building, and he says he rather likes the idea of owning something. Gina sassily retorts that she thinks he likes the idea of being in charge...and the two start sucking face amid the many bubbles. Beach house. Matt drops by to tell Kelly he's still scared of jumping into a relationship with her because of his feelings for Lauren...blah blah...but then says he really really loves her, and that he's hers if she's willing to settle for a medium functioning dullard lawyer such as himself. Kelly coquettishly asks, "What are you waiting for?" and he says, "I'm not" and pulls her close for a long smooch. Nope, still no chemistry there. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly meets up with Matt at the Peach Pit, and the two discuss how he just spent the last week or so getting Lauren situated in the institution. Matt then wanks Kelly about how great she was with Lauren and that she acted like a true friend when she risked arrest by smuggling clozapine into the U.S. Kelly blushingly says that any friend would have done that, and Matt blushingly gushes that she's modest, funny, and that he thinks about her all the time [now that his sick wife is safely tucked away in a mental hospital]. He tells Kelly he simply can't get his brain around what an amaaaaaazing person she is, and Kelly insists she's no saint. Of course she's not. That title belongs to St. Donna Martin, the most sweetly doe-eyed angelic lass whose delicate feet ever walked on God's green earth. At another table, Gina faces off with Felice over the "criminal mismanagement" of her trust fund - a term she says her lawyer has used in reference to her case. Felice looks put out by the accusation, so Gina snappishly reminds her that she was the trustee, so there really isn't anyone else to blame...except perhaps her sloppy turd of a mother who was ultimately responsible for the looting of her trust fund. Felice weakly explains that Bobbi asked for the money to be withdrawn for various expenses, and Gina points out that stuff like a bathroom remodel and new appliances aren't legitimate expenses and should never have been approved. Felice haughtily replies that she had no idea what the money was being appropriated for, and Gina's like, "Exactly! You didn't care enough to ask", which is kind of a fair point. Gina becomes so exasperated by the fruitless conversation that she exits the diner and squeals off in her car...and Donna goes rushing after her, but isn't able to catch her. Noah appears out of nowhere, and Donna whimpers to him about her family problems and how much she hates being caught in the middle. He caresses her ginormous face and gives her a comforting smooch...and while he's doing that, David pulls up in his jeep and shoots them both the stink-eye. Donna sighs and tells Noah she should prolly go see whassup with David - but when she pops into the DJ booth, David snarls at her for canoodling with Noah in the parking lot, barks, "Live with your choice!" and tells her to go pee up a rope. Dylan is out jet skiing when another jet skier (who's guzzling beer) suddenly appears, cuts him off, and causes him to wipe out. When Dylan comes up for air, he grumbles, "What's your problem?" and the guy laughingly retorts, "No problem" then challenges Dylan to a race to the pier. We get several minutes of superfluous footage of the two racing alongside each other on their jet skis - and the guy cuts Dylan off again, causing him to fly in the air and land face down into the water. When the camera pans in close, we see that Dylan is floating about lifelessly, perilously close to drowning. Oh no! After the commercial break, the mysterious jet skier has pulled Dylan to shore and is administering mouth-to-mouth...and as soon as Dylan regains consciousness, he sprints away, accidentally leaving behind one clue: a hospital bracelet. Now Wear This. Kelly asks Donna if she and Noah are back together, and Donna reminds her that they were never officially broken up...and she's now going to have to figure out what the heck to do about David. Gina enters the store and announces to Donna that she's not going to sue Felice for 60K...and when Donna's all, "Phew! What a relief!", Gina says she's suing her for $1.1 million 'cause of all her pain and suffering. LOL. Donna is aghast and reminds her that she'd be suing family, and Gina snarls that her "family" did fuck all to look out for her best interests. After Donna storms off, Kelly tells Gina she's being very insensitive, and Gina laughs bitterly about how rich that is, coming from someone who's "not even letting Lauren's side of the bed get cold". She then tells Kelly she was worried when she and Dylan went off to Mexico together, but is somewhat relieved to see that she's clearly still pursuing Matt. Kelly keeps mum about her horizontal Mexican mambo with Dylan and refrains from setting her straight about that flawed assumption. Courthouse. Matt is defending his latest client: a student named Linda who was approached by drug dealers while studying in the Beverly Hills Public Library and somehow got charged with a drug offence. Matt tries to reason with the Deputy DA, a guy named Jay, about how Linda is obviously being railroaded because she's African-American. Jay shuts him down and says if she pleads guilty, she probably won't get any jail time...and when Matt relays this advice to Linda and her mom, the two adamantly refuse to enter a guilty plea. Casa David. Dylan greets Gina with a big smooch and tells her that a stranger saved his life today after he wiped out on his jet ski. He babbles about wanting to find the guy so he can issue him a proper thank you...and it remains unclear why he's not at least a little ticked off at the guy for causing the accident in the first place. The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet he paid a hooker for the little black book she lifted from her madam...and as he glances through it, he marvels about how it's a veritable Who's Who of Hollywood Movie Stars. Janet reminds him that publishing anything from the book could result in a bunch of movie stars filing lawsuits, which could bankrupt the Beat. What a damn shame that would be. Dylan is trying to track down Patrick Farrell - the name written on the hospital bracelet - but when he phones the hospital, he learns that a person by that name died last December. Kelly drops by and moans about how guilty she feels about Lauren leaving, and for cheating on Matt in Mexico. Dylan, on the other hand, isn't bothered in the least by the fact that he cheated on Gina, then reminds Kelly that they have a history of cheating on people, e.g. Brenda and Brandon. He smugly says he's pretty sure she'll want to be with again someday...and Kelly stares into space contemplatively as she mulls over that disturbing prospect. After Dark. Donna drops by the DJ booth and tells David she doesn't want their recent flirtiness to ruin their friendship, and he agrees. When he whines about how lonely he is, she advises him to bare his lonely soul to his female listeners and see if anything useful comes of that. David perks up at the inane idea, then goes on the air and lays out a challenge for all the single ladies: prove to him that there's a woman out there for him. And by prove, he invites them to call, write, or send photos. Some of the women partying at the After Dark edge toward the DJ booth, looking intrigued by David's desperate plea, then giggle coquettishly in his direction and nod approvingly. LOL. Hospital. Dylan meets with the doctor who treated Patrick Farrell, and she tells him that Patrick was a seven year old boy - but that he had an older brother named Tim who sat vigil by his bed. The two then look over at a bunch of sad looking child patients hanging out in a run-down playground, and the doctor grumbles about the lack of funds to provide them with a decent place to play...and I foresee a brand spanking new playground getting built before the end of the episode. Matt drops by the boutique to ask Kelly if their conversation yesterday was as awkward for her as he assumed it was, and she assures him that they have lots of time to develop a relationship, and that he shouldn't feel pressured to rush into anything. He offers to take her and Dylan out to dinner tomorrow night to say thank you for the last episode's mission of mercy, and won't take Kelly's "Nah, not interested" reply for an answer. Steve and Janet stop by to ask Matt to weigh in on the little black book Steve just acquired from the hooker, and he tells them they can't be sued for libel if what they write is true, but that it's very important to independently corroborate everything they publish. He then browses through the book, looks mildly intrigued by something he comes across, then says he's going to need to borrow the book to do some additional research. Beach house. Much to Donna's dismay, Gina continues to insist on suing Felice. Donna tells her that what she's doing is wrong, and that her mom did the best she could as trustee. Gina argues that she used to have a secure future, but that it's been shot to shit because of Felice's negligence. Donna proposes that they go out to dinner with their moms to again try to work this out...but Gina just grumbles at her for her unwillingness to stand up for her. Matt tells Jay that a certain Deputy DA is listed inside the little black book of a Hollywood madam, and makes it clear that he's shamelessly using that information as leverage to get him to drop the charges against Linda. Jay admonishes him for attempting to blackmail a Deputy DA, then storms off. After Dark. David is going through the giant stack of mail he's gotten from his most doting female listeners. A Venezuelan woman calls his radio show and orders him to stop sifting through all the photos and letters, 'cause she's throwing her hat in the ring...and David looks intrigued by the sassy caller and asks her to stay on the line so they can continue their conversation in private. Unfortunately, when he puts her on hold, he accidentally hangs up on her. Or she purposely hangs up on him. Not sure which. Restaurant. Felice, Donna, Bobbi, and Gina once again discuss the lawsuit. Felice makes it known that she can afford pricey representation, then tells Gina that her lawyer has told her the case doesn't stand a chance in court. Bobbi starts rummaging through her purse for her pack of cigarettes, and everyone simultaneously tells her she's not allowed to smoke inside the restaurant. She rolls her eyes, then grabs her purse and lumbers toward the exit. Felice stares after her sister with undisguised disdain and remarks on the lack of self control she's demonstrated her entire life. Dylan tracks Tim down at his residence, but Tim isn't very receptive to the unexpected pop-in. Dylan expresses his condolences for the loss of his brother, and an anguished Tim says that the accident that killed Patrick was his fault: the poor lad was killed by an airbag while sitting on Tim's lap when they were struck by another car. Tim reveals to Dylan that he had planned to kill himself the day he was jet skiing...and Dylan points out that if he had really wanted to die, he would have gotten back into the water. Tim wryly retorts, "The night is still young." Steve and Janet are tailing a celebrity who's listed in the little black book and keeps a hotel suite booked in his name. They watch from across the street as he kisses his kids goodbye, then gets into his car and drives off. Steve suddenly decides it's more than likely that the guy stays in a hotel 'cause he and his wife are separated and haven't yet told the kids. This scenario hits home for Steve, and he stares sadly into space as he recalls the divorce announcement of his parents. After Dark. David gabbles to Noah about the sassy Venezuelan gal he talked to on the phone...and while he's doing that, the blonde young woman who's part of the After Dark clean-up crew (and is currently mopping the floor) makes an extra special effort to eavesdrop on what he's saying. Gee, I wonder what that could possibly mean. Restaurant. Matt profusely thanks Dylan and Kelly for everything they did to get Lauren's meds, even though it was all for nothing 'cause she didn't end up taking them. With that settled, Dylan starts babbling about Tim Farrell, a guy who saved his life but wants to end his own. The Peach Pit. Donna asks Felice why they never visited her side of the family, and Felice tells her that she and boorish Bobbi have nothing in common and snidely refers to Gina as "a taker". Donna says she knows how devious and cunty Gina can be...but points out that she (she meaning Felice) did kind of screw the pooch by allowing such a large amount of her trust to be withdrawn for frivolous purposes. She chides her for neglecting her responsibility as trustee and advises her to just give Gina the 60K and wrap up this increasingly tedious storyline. Casa David. Gina drops by to hang with Dylan, and he starts rambling about how numb he's been feeling inside lately, and that he couldn't give a rat's ass about anything or anyone. [Well...except for Kelly, and his late wife of five minutes.] Gina gives him a sad nod and bitterly states, "Present company excluded, right?" and Dylan says they both know this is nothing more than a meaningless hook-up...and not something he's particularly proud of. Gina says she's not particularly proud of herself for knowing all this and continuing to stick around, then gets up and stalks out. Jay tells Matt he's dropping the charges against Linda 'cause if it gets around that he doinks prostitutes, it could be detrimental to his law career. He chides Matt for holding this over him, which is both illegal and unethical. Kelly lurks by the door of Matt's office and overhears that last part...and Matt explains to her that he did something kinda shady in order to save his client - but fortunately, Kelly is far less judgey of his career-related decisions these days and doesn't seem remotely upset. A few minutes later, Lauren's best friend from New York (Anna) appears to hand deliver a manilla envelop...and when Matt opens it, he's stunned to learn that Lauren has filed for divorce. The Beverly Beat. Steve has decided to shred the contents of the little black book. He tells Janet that when his parents announced their divorce, he later realized that his dad had been living apart from his mom for a very long time...they just put off telling him. He sadly says that the little black book has unwittingly opened up old wounds. Beach house. Felice admits to Gina, Bobbi, and Donna that she made a mistake allowing Bobbi to loot Gina's trust fund...and that she and Papa Martin have agreed to pony up 60K in exchange for Gina dropping the lawsuit. Bobbi advises her daughter to hold out for more money, but Donna interjects and implores Gina to accept the offer, and that convincing Felice to pay up was her way of sticking up for her. Felice apologizes to Gina for not being available when she most needed her, and Bobbi blurts out how sorry she is for openly calling her terrible names in front of Gina, such as stuck up bitch. Felice is all, "Wha-a?" as the other three chuckle at the hilarity of describing one's own sister with an expletive. Hospital. Dylan has purchased playground equipment for the hospital grounds, and the doctor he spoke to earlier in the episode thanks him for his generosity. Tim Farrell arrives at the hospital after being summoned there by Dylan...and Dylan shows him the equipment and decrees that they will spend the day putting it together so that the sick kids have a decent place to play on hospital grounds. Tim looks perked up by the task at hand, and rolls up his sleeves and gets to work. Suicidal tendencies averted. Linda gives Matt a happy hug and thanks him for getting the bogus charges against her dropped. Matt later tells Kelly he feels bad about blackmailing the Deputy DA, but Kelly waves a hand dismissively and says he deserves the best in life, and that Lauren wanted him to have the kind of life he couldn't have if he were burdened with her pesky schizophrenia. Gina and Bobbi are out at a swanky restaurant to celebrate Gina's windfall. Gina hands her mom a first class plane ticket, and then a second envelop with her cut of what they "scammed from Felice". As the two cackle at their collective resourcefulness, I remain confused about what "scam" actually occurred here. Wasn't Felice merely replacing the money that Bobbi looted from her own daughter? And why is Gina cackling with the thief as if she's a co-conspirator, and then giving her a cut of the dough?? After Dark. David goes on the air to publicly thank all of the women who answered his desperate plea for a girlfriend...but then grumbles about how he's just decided to throw in the towel on finding love and will leave it all up to fate. Suddenly, a pretty blonde girl stands in front of the DJ booth and stares at him...and David quickly exits the booth to see whassup with this attractive stranger. When she speaks in her Venezuelan accented voice, he correctly assumes it's the girl he spoke to earlier. She introduces herself as Claudia, the nondescript janitor who mops up the After Dark after hours. Kelly runs into Matt outside the club, just as she's about to leave. He tells her he decided at the last minute he was ready to go out clubbing with her, then gabbles about how Lauren was a big part of his life - but suddenly that chapter of his life is over and he has a new main squeeze. Kelly looks thrilled that they're officially a couple, and the two embrace as the scene fades to black. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: At the counter of a pharmacy, Matt makes a lame attempt to get Lauren's prescription of clozapine refilled. Lauren whispers to Matt that the pharmacist is going to see the no refills message on the bottle - and sure enough he comes back to the counter and points this out. Matt tells him he had called earlier to explain that Lauren's doctor is out of town, so the pharmacist offers to call his service - and Matt loses his composure and barks, "No! We need the pills now!" The pharmacist says there's nothing he can do, so then Matt swipes a full bottle of clozapine that, for some reason, was sitting on the counter...but a few seconds later, he and Lauren are stopped by a security guard before they can exit the store. Smooth, Matt. After Dark. David tells Donna that the two of them being together feels right to him, but Donna's like, "Me not so much" and says she regrets all the shady stuff they've being doing lately to get closer to each other...and that the only reason it's been happening is 'cause they're both going through a rough patch. When he asks her out again, she grudgingly admits that part of her really wants to get back together with him. She then glances out the booth window and notices Noah glaring over at them, so she slips out of the booth and tries to make a break for it. Noah blocks her escape and offers to buy her a drink, but she declines and tells him she's not yet ready to talk about their rollercoaster of a stupid relationship. He asks her if their breakup is because of someone else, then snarks about how cozy she and David looked in the booth just now...so then she snarks back that he and Gina looked cozy in the photo booth photos. Noah insists for the hundredth fuuuuuuucking time that nothing happened with Gina - but Donna sanctimoniously argues that what happened is he lost her trust. She then flounces off, leaving Noah to stare after her dejectedly and then glare over at the DJ booth to shoot David the stink-eye. Matt tells Kelly about his lame attempt to steal clozapine from the pharmacy, and she tells him she knew of patients at the Wyatt Clinic who would get their contraband drugs from Mexico and smuggle them into the United States. Matt mulls over this idea, but quickly realizes he can't take Lauren to Mexico with him, and nor can he leave her alone at Casa Walsh 'cause her schizophrenia is starting to creep back in. He thanks Kelly for the drug/Mexico information...and she stares contemplatively into space for a few seconds and murmurs, "Maybe there's something I can do." Beach house. Gina gabbles at Donna about her dream to open her own gym, and that she's going to use the figure skating dough that's collected in her trust fund as collateral. She snidely remarks, "It's not much by Beverly Hills standards, but I did OK for trash" and Donna immediately looks red-faced and apologizes for calling her trash at the end of the previous episode and explains that she was just angry about the Noah thing. Gina insists that nothing happened between her and Noah - but, of course, neglects to confess her relentless manipulation of Noah into thinking he doinked her during his drunken haze. Gina's white trash mom, Bobbi, drops by for a visit and gushes about how awesome the beach house is. Gina asks her if she brought the information about her trust, and Bobbi's like, "Oops, I forgot" and an annoyed Gina reminds her how important this is to her. When Donna learns the name of the bank where the trust is being held, she tells Gina that her dad does some of his banking there, and that she'd be happy to take her there later and hold her hand while she explores her loan options. Janet has brought Steve along to have lunch with her parents. Papa Sosna scrunches his face with disdain when he learns how sleazy a tabloid the Beat is...and Steve doesn't help matters when he describes their process of targeting a celebrity, which includes sifting through their trash and publishing whatever sensationalized tidbits they happen to find. Janet lets out a weak laugh and tells her father that Steve is just kidding, then shoots Steve a death glare in the faint hope that he'll get a clue and shut his pie hole. An oblivious Steve gushes about what a great reporter Janet is, and is about to gabble about them being boyfriend and girlfriend when Janet cuts him off and tells her father that Steve is a great boss and nothing more. LOL. Papa Sosna says he doesn't care for the type of content that gets published in the Beat and insists that people deserve their privacy - but Mama Sosna disagrees and says some people hide way too much. Interesting. I wonder whaddup with the disharmony there. The Peach Pit. Gina reminds Donna about taking her to the bank to see about her trust, but Donna's barely listening 'cause she's staring over at David, who's chatting with a pretty brunette. Donna soon learns that the woman's name is Deborah Fowler and that she's a sex therapist who's considering doing a radio show with David. After she exits the diner, Donna tells David she's changed her mind about them going out and would like to after all. After she scampers off to the boutique, David blabs to Gina about how he and Donna went out on Valentine's Day and ended up having a sexy smoochfest...and I'm pretty sure he's telling this to the biggest blabbermouth in Beverly Hills so that the news will quickly reach Noah. The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve she probably should have gone to lunch with her parents alone. Well duh. Steve asks her if she's ashamed of him, and she explains that her father is very "traditional" and doesn't approve of her dating non-Japanese boneheads. Bank. The banker informs Gina that her trust has 14K in it, and Gina's all, "Wha-a?!" and says there's supposed to be around 75K in the account. The banker snippily retorts, "That's all there is" which seemed pretty bitchy and unhelpful for a bank employee. Casa David. Kelly implores Dylan to go to Mexico on her "mission of mercy" to clandestinely obtain clozapine pills for Lauren. She says they'd make a good team 'cause she has the contacts to score the meds, while he has the money to pay for them. Dylan easily agrees to the favor and says that hopefully they can also indulge in some sack time, I mean have a fun time while they're south of the border. A few seconds later, Gina unexpectedly drops by to invite Dylan to dinner...but when she sees that Kelly's over and learns that the two have plans to go to Mexico to buy drugs for Lauren, she snarls at Dylan that she just lost her appetite and storms off. The Walsh house. It's the middle of the night, and Lauren is blaring music on the stereo in the living room - which sends Matt, Noah, and Steve rushing downstairs to see whassup. Lauren cries that she couldn't find her headphones to drown out the voices...and Steve scrunches his face in confusion and is all, "Huh? Voices?" An equally confused Noah hands a pair of headphones to Matt, who puts them on Lauren's head and coos at her that everything's going to be OK. He then explains to his bewildered roommates that Lauren is schizophrenic - and that she sometimes hears voices, which eventually become nefarious commands. Mexico. Kelly is having trouble get a hold of her drug contact, and abruptly changes her mind about the mission of mercy she instigated less than a day ago and tells Dylan it's probably not such a great idea. That seems oddly fickle of her, considering Lauren's dire state. Dylan just shrugs and says it's always a good idea to spend the day in Mexico...then somehow the conversation shifts to Toni. Dylan gets a faraway look on his face and says he'd love the chance to see her again and say all the things he never got a chance to say, like, "What the hell were we thinking, getting married after knowing each other for less than two months??" Beach house. Bobbi tells Gina she dipped into her trust fund 'cause she had to pay for coaches and other skating related expenses - but Gina waves her bank statements in the air and points out that some of the cash was spent on remodelling the master bathroom, and buying a new car and various home appliances. Bobbi whines about giving up her life for her, and Gina accuses her of robbing her of her childhood and - literally - robbing her as an adult. She narrows her eyes and vows to get her money back somehow. Janet and Steve are stealing bags of a celebrity's trash and talking about her strict father. Steve calls him a bigot, but Janet says he's not so much a bigot as someone who feels strongly about preserving his Japanese heritage. She then informs him that he's arranged for her to meet a Japanese man he has vetted and approves of, and that they're all having dinner tonight. Noah drops by the mall with flowers, but Donna refuses to accept them and flounces into the boutique. As soon as she's out of earshot, Gina blabs to Noah that Donna was dating David before the two of them were officially broken up...and that this dating included smooching. An angry Noah storms into the boutique and tells Donna they need to forgive each other, but she reminds him of what a sweetly doe-eyed lass she is and could never have anything to apologize for ever...and that whatever she's been doing with David doesn't excuse what he did. Noah says they broke each other's trust, snaps, "Hypocrite!" and stomps off. Break up already, you idiots. Steve shows up unannounced at the Sosna residence to size up his competition. Janet's all, "What are you doing here?", then points out Bob, who's Japanese, high on the hotness scale, and loaded financially. She then assures Steve she's just humoring her father by hanging with Bob for the evening...but then tells him he should go, and he stares back at her with a hurt expression. Mexico. Dylan drops by Kelly's hotel room with a bag of toiletries. She tells Dylan she really doesn't think she can go through with smuggling drugs into the U.S. Dylan urges her to sleep on it, then says he'll be across the hall if she needs anything. He slouches over to the door, but then turns around and leans in for a smooch...and Kelly remarks on how different things feel on this trip than they did the last time they came to Mexico together. The two then decide 'ah what the hell' and throw all caution to the wind and start kissing, then collapse atop her bed and earnestly get it on. Noah barrels into Casa David and bellows, "I can't believe you!" at David, then admonishes him for pretending to be his friend while going after Donna. David weakly denies doing any such thing, but then quickly clams up. Noah snaps, "I thought we were friends!" then storms out as quickly as he burst in. Weird. Mexico. The next morning, Kelly pokes Dylan awake and tells him she really really wants to go home now, and says that coming to Mexico was wrong. She whines about how shitty she feels for cheating on Matt, but Dylan points out that Matt's a married man - plus he thought that last night's doink was fantastic. Kelly concedes that it was, but asks, "What about Gina?" so Dylan jokingly promises to repent once the two of them have indulged in a morning romp. Kelly declines and insists on leaving now, and tells him she'll meet him downstairs in the lobby. The Beverly Beat. Steve is wearing a pair of rubber gloves as he sifts through the celebrity's trash. He and Janet bicker again about her father's dislike for him...with no hint of self-reflection while he's sifting through trash bags. A few seconds later, Papa Sosna drops by the newsroom, glances in Steve's direction with disdain, and tells Janet he really really liked the cut of Bob's jib. Janet agrees that Bob is great, but that she's not looking for a boyfriend 'cause she already has one. She then motions over at Steve, and her father stares back at her in horror. U.S./Mexico border. Kelly tells the border agent she has nothing to declare...and when she gets rattled by his many questions, Dylan starts nattering at the agent about how the two of them just doinked after many years of being apart, and were pleased to discover that they still really dig each other. The border agent rolls his eyes with distaste at the TMI and urges Kelly to move her car along. Kelly glares at Dylan and asks him what that was all about, so he tells her he started chatting nonsense 'cause he feared the agent was about to search their car and didn't want him to find any drugs. He then smiles devilishly as he pulls a bottle of clozapine out of his pocket. Apparently, he took the initiative and arranged a "meet and greet" with one of his drug connections, but didn't tell her 'cause he knew she wouldn't approve. Restaurant. David and Donna are out for dinner. She tells him about Gina's money woes and that she's planning on suing the trustee who was responsible for the trust. She then starts moaning about how bad she feels about hurting Noah and totally gets why he's upset with her...blah blah, I don't care. The Walsh house. Kelly and Dylan drop by to deliver the bottle of clozapine pills. Lauren clutches the bottle gratefully and says they'll give her more time to enjoy with Matt. As her organs slowly shut down. The next morning, Steve tells Janet he's proud of her for standing up to her father yesterday, and she glumly says she's going to have to go home for a change of clothes and knows her father is going to be waiting so he can admonish her for her objectionable taste in men. Steve starts nattering nonsensically and natters the words, "I love you" and Janet perks up and is all, "You do?!" and Steve's like, "Well d'yuh" and assures her that somehow everything is going to work out A-OK. Run, Janet! You can do better! Beach house. Kelly apologizes to Gina for asking Dylan to accompany her to Mexico, but that it's all good 'cause they fulfilled their mission of mercy and got Lauren her meds. Gina snappishly accuses her of wanting to "kill the competition" - just as Dylan slouches onto the patio. Gina stomps past him and says she has to get to work...and once she's out of earshot, Dylan tells Kelly he has absolutely no intention of telling his bitchy quasi-girlfriend about them hitting the sheets in Mexico. Kelly says she has no intention of telling Matt either. The Walsh house. Lauren enthusiastically greets Matt when he returns home from work and tells him it's nice to have things to look forward to, 'cause they make life worth living. She then tosses her bottle of clozapine into the nearest trash can...and Matt's all, "Wha-a?" and asks her if this is really what she wants. She tells him she's not sure, but that since her sad story arc is about done here, it's what she's going to do. Matt promises to support her decision and says he'll happily move back to New York so they can face her schizophrenia together. Lauren perks up and goes, "Really..?" and when he says yes, she gives him a happy hug. The Peach Pit. David runs into Donna and tells her that their dinner date last night was nice...and she agrees, but says she still has stuff she wants to work out with Noah. Across the diner, Janet tells Steve that her dad asked her to move out 'cause he can't support her decision to hook up with a bonehead like Steve. Plus, he's not Japanese. Donna runs into Noah in the Peach Pit parking lot and admits that, yeah, she's a total hypocrite. She confesses that she and David kissed at the station manager's party after being egged on by a photographer...and when Noah asks her if it was a meaningless kiss, she says no - but that she has no idea what this means for their tedious on again/off again relationship. Fuuuuuuuuuck. Kelly rushes over to Casa Walsh after being summoned by Lauren. Lauren thanks her for going through the trouble of smuggling clozapine into the country, but has decided not to take any of the pills. She knows it means she'll get sick again, but is optimistic for a cure for her disease and would prefer to stick around in case it happens. She asks Kelly to take care of Matt and make him happy, then adds how obvious it is that he loves her. Kelly half-heartedly tries to get her to change her mind about giving up on her marriage, but Lauren insists that she do this "favor" for her - just as Matt arrives home and asks whassup. Lauren tells him she's decided to return to New York alone, and is giving him her blessing to move on with his life. Matt weakly offers to move with her to New York and continue in their marriage, but she firmly declines and orders him to promise that he'll pursue a happy life with Kelly. A promise he breaks, since eventually he and Kelly break up anyway. Beach house. Donna arrives home, where Gina is in the kitchen making herself a sandwich. She tells Donna that her mom is in her bedroom and wishes to make an announcement regarding the name of the trustee who's responsible for the looting of her trust fund. She asks Donna to stand next to her when the name is blurted out for maximum dramatic effect, and Donna's like, "Sure thing", so the two head over to Gina's bedroom, where Bobbi has just finished up a phone conversation. Gina's like, "OK, mom. We're ready", but Bobbie seems reluctant to name this person. Donna urges her to speak out and not protect this scoundrel, so Bobbi tells her that the guilty party is ... Felice! Donna scrunches her big face in confusion and is all, "Wha-a-a-a??!" and then she and Gina stare at each other in complete befuddlement. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Gina needles Noah about how "impressed" she is that he feels no guilt about what happened between them on the night of the photo booth photos. Or didn't happen. She won't say for sure if they bumped uglies, and somehow Noah refrains from smacking her smug mug for keeping this maddening did we?/didn't we? subplot going for so long. Over in the kitchen, David tells Donna he's glad that she and Noah worked things out, and Donna says she's choosing to believe that the photos of Noah and Gina kissing don't mean anything. Lauren and Matt come downstairs and start regaling everyone with the story of their wedding - snorefest - and while that's happening, Kelly comes over to drop off a sleeping bag for Steve, who needs it for an upcoming camping trip. She looks sad and left out when she sees everyone gathered around, happily chatting. Lauren invites her to come in, have some food and stay awhile, but Kelly mumbles that she has to go, and then flees - which naturally prompts Dylan to run after her. He acknowledges that this is an uncomfortable situation for everyone, and she's like, "No duh" and nonsensically accuses him of not being on her side. The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are partnering with the Super Brothers and Super Sisters charity to mentor two teenagers during a weekend camping trip. Janet reminds Steve that camping means they're going to have to rough it in the woods...and a few seconds later, the two teenagers - a stoner dude named Stewart and a Goth chick named Marianne - arrive at the newsroom. They appear to dislike each other intensely. Casa David. Gina overhears Dylan reserve the Presidential Suite at the Bel Age Hotel, and smiles when she assumes that he's planning a romantic night for the two of them...but then gets pissy when she hears him put the reservation in Matt's/Lauren's name. Dylan explains that he owes Matt for defending him in court, and wanted to do something nice for him, like give him and his wife the honeymoon they were never able to have. Gina snarls that if he were booking a room for the two of them, he'd probably just rent it by the hour...and Dylan looks bewildered by her constant fucking bitchitude about everything all the time, and refrains from bringing up her sex-crazed behavior during the 'topless in a public parking lot incident' that occurred in the previous episode. She glares at him hatefully as she storms out of the apartment. After Dark. Noah thanks David for convincing Donna to forgive him for the photo booth photos...and explains again that he was so drunk he doesn't remember what happened that night, but is pretty sure he might have possibly doinked Gina. David cuts him off and says he doesn't want to get involved in their tedious drama, but promises not to tell Donna what he just told him and will let him worry about confessing his sins. Campsite. Marianne is slicing her arm and licking her blood - gross - when Janet suddenly spots a black bear ambling towards them. Everyone quickly retreats to the car as the bear waddles behind them, delighted to find the big bag of food that Steve left on the hood of the car for "safe keeping". Well done, bonehead. After Dark. David and Kelly are in the DJ booth, taking calls from listeners who have love-related questions...and Kelly's answers are tinged with the bitterness she's currently feeling over the Matt and Lauren Situation. It remains unclear why this would be considered entertainment for the After Dark club goers who I'm sure would rather they just played some music. Donna discusses the Matt and Lauren Situation with Noah, and remarks how hard it would be for her to be very forgiving about lying and cheating. Noah files that tidbit away, decides against confessing, and asks her if she'd be interested in moving in with him. She cries, "Yes!" and gives him a big smooch. The Walsh house. Matt is playing Hawaiian music as he packs his bags for his and Lauren's romantic getaway to the Bel Age Hotel, courtesy of Dylan. Lauren sadly shuffles into the room and tells him she was just at the doctor's. Apparently, her white blood cell count is way down, and the doctor has ordered her to stop taking her medication, which means that her schizophrenia will quickly re-surface. She starts crying as Matt stares quizzically into space. Campsite. Janet and Steve wake up in the car and are alarmed when Stewart and Marianne are nowhere to be found. They search the campsite and breathe a sigh of relief when they find the two sitting in some tall grass, making out. Kelly and Dylan are ambling around town, gabbling about the emptiness that is their lives when they come upon a '59 Thunderbird with a for sale sign on it. Dylan gives the car an appreciative once-over and says he has an uncle who owned a car exactly like this. He mumbles about how he needs something to get him up in the mornings...other than his regular grinding sessions with Gina, which seem to be getting old fast. David drops by the beach house looking for Kelly, and Donna says she's out. She tells him she's still waiting for his invitation to join him on his radio show, then reminds him how great they were together when they DJed at West Beverly High. He asks her how she's doing after her talk with Noah, and she chirps, "Great!" and talks in riddles for a few seconds until it becomes clear that she's referring to her and Noah moving in together. David quickly deduces that Noah hasn't yet confessed his "cheating", and congratulates her on their relationship's milestone. Steve takes Stewart aside and tells him he'll meet lots of great women in his life, and that they'll probably all drive him crazy. Janet, meanwhile, warns Marianne to beware of hooking up with the wrong guys 'cause they'll bring her nothing but heartache. Steve tells Stewart he's in love with someone who thinks he's a moron, and Janet moans to Marianne about how in love with a moron she is. Casa David. Dylan finds a red note from Kelly that has been placed under the front door and is attached to a giant ribbon that leads to the nearby garage, where the '59 Thunderbird is parked. Dylan looks touched by the insanely extravagant gesture and murmurs, "Thank you." Who the hell buys their friend a car for no real reason? And with what money did Kelly buy it? I figured she would have sunk all of her cash into the boutique, which can't be doing that well just selling Donna Martin originals. Matt and Lauren are meeting with her doctor. He warns her that if she continues taking clozapine, she'll go septic and her organs will start to shut down - probably in as little as two to three weeks. And unfortunately, once she goes off the meds, she'll likely suffer a schizophrenic episode within a week [and start acting like Gina]. Lauren insists on continuing with the medication, but the doctor refuses to prescribe anymore of the pills to her...and when Matt asks him what their options are, he doesn't really get anything in the way of a helpful answer. After Dark. Noah is doing some paperwork at the bar when Gina slithers up to him and says she heard from Donna that they're looking at apartments together, and he snarls back that everything that comes out of her mouth always sounds like a threat. She warns him against telling Donna about "what really happened" between them that night - just as Donna enters the club. Noah shoos Gina away and gives Donna a kiss, tells her he cancelled their house-hunting appointments for the night, and that he has reason to believe he boned Gina the night they took those photo booth photos. Bwahaha! Donna glares at him, barks, "We're over!" and storms away. Beach house. Donna returns home looking for Gina, and Kelly tells her she's not home. She asks Donna if she wouldn't mind filling in for her on David's radio show, then tells her that Noah left lots of messages to call him back. Donna informs her that she and Noah just broke up, and that she needs to get in touch with her slutty cousin asap. After Dark. An anguished Noah tells Gina he couldn't stand not being honest with Donna, so he told her about their ugly bumping, and - no surprise - she promptly dumped him. Gina gleefully cackles and tells him they didn't actually have sex, but rather "an intense night together". Noah's all, "Wha-a??" and accuses her of playing mind games with him because of how jealous she is of Donna. Gina snaps back that she never actually used the word sex when describing their activities that night, and smugly adds, "Your subconscious desires are your problem!" and flounces off. The Peach Pit. Matt and Lauren are sitting at a table, mulling over their glum situation. Matt mumbles that he doesn't want to lose her again, and she tells him he's going to have to move on once she's re-institutionalized. Dylan enters the diner and asks them how their stay in the Presidential Suite went, and Lauren tells him they weren't able to go, but is grateful for the offer...then tearfully flees to the ladies room. Matt explains to Dylan that they just learned from the doctor that Lauren's meds are killing her, and that her schizophrenia will most certainly return after she stops taking them. He refers to her schizophrenic episodes as "a fate worse than death" ... and Dylan stares solemnly into space, no doubt thinking about Toni's bullet-riddled body, and mutters, "There's no such thing." Campsite. As Steve tries to light the barbecue, Janet calls him dense for wasting so many matches and he snaps back at her to cut him some slack. When he finally gets the barbecue lit, it starts raining heavily and the two flee to the car. The Peach Pit. Kelly seats herself beside Dylan at the counter and smugly tells him she heard that Matt's and Lauren's romantic Bel Age getaway didn't go as planned. Dylan tells her the two have a lot going on right now, then spills the beans about Lauren's med problems. Kelly stares dully into space as she processes that, then says she feels really really bad about her bitchy smugness just now. Gina flounces over and tells Dylan she needs to talk to him, so Kelly gets up and sits elsewhere. Gina asks him what they were just talking about, and he mutters, "Personal stuff", and Gina gets all riled up about how he's a confidante to Kelly and cupid to Lauren and Matt - but nothing to her. She then pulls out Kelly's red note and asks him if there's something blossoming between the two of them she needs to know about...and if so, she'll accept it and walk away. Yippee!! But instead of taking this golden opportunity to put a merciful end to this toxic hookup, Dylan shrugs and says, "It's just a note" then urges her to come outside with him. He shows her his new Thunderbird and says it's just the thing he needs to help him get his life on track. He then dangles the keys in front of her and invites her to go for a ride, and she gets behind the wheel, snaps up the keys and races off, leaving him eating her dust in the parking lot. After Dark. Donna is in the DJ booth with David, answering listener calls instead of just playing some damn music that the bored looking clubbers milling around the dance floor could boogy to. They answer a call from a woman who gets butterflies every time she runs into her ex, and Donna coyly glances over at David and agrees that that happens [to her] a lot. After the call, Donna recounts to David that time in high school when she got so nervous she started hyperventilating on the air, and everyone thought they were "doing it", and tells him she appreciated how sweet he was about protecting her reputation as a sainted virgin. Mmm...nope, don't recall that happening during Seasons 1-3. David gets back on the air and throws out this nugget for his listeners to chew on: "Can ex-lovers remain friends?" then gives his opinion on the matter: when it's over, it's over. Steve and Janet have given up on camping in the rain and are parked at a nearby motel, inside which Stewart and Marianne are fast asleep. Janet is irked at Steve for insisting they take the easy way out by driving to the motel, then criticizes him for always taking the easy way out. Steve looks hurt and tells her she's being harsh, and she snarks back that she has to be 'cause it's hard for her to get over him when he's always in her face...then looks momentarily horrified that she just said that out loud. As the two swig booze from mini bar bottles, Janet mellows and tells Steve that he's really good with the teenagers...and Steve explains that he's always in her face 'cause he likes it so much. The two stare at each other in wonderment, then start going at it. Beach house. Donna arrives home and finds Noah waiting on the patio for her. He tells her there's been a misunderstanding and that he didn't doink Gina after all...then begs her to confirm this with Gina herself. Donna coldly says she doesn't believe him, doesn't care, and doesn't want to rehash this tiresome subplot anymore...and then storms inside. Steve and Janet wake up the next morning, spooning in the back seat of the car. He tells her that when they get home he wants them to officially be a couple, then starts smooching her again. A few seconds later, Stewart and Marianne knock on the window, give them a congratulatory thumbs-up at the sight of their canoodling, and tell them they had a great weekend. Kelly finds Matt sitting in the mall courtyard, and apologizes for being so selfish and cunty lately. She tells him that Dylan clued her in regarding Lauren's health problems, and that she wants to be a friend. She asks him if there's anything she can do, and he clutches her hand and says, "You're already doing it." Beach house. Gina sneaks into the apartment to retrieve her pager - and Donna, who's been waiting out her return, confronts her about the Noah debacle. Gina tells her that the whole thing was just a misunderstanding, but Donna accuses her of purposely misleading Noah in order to hurt her. Gina just shrugs and grabs her pager and heads for the door...and Donna cackles bitterly about how she was always taught to pity her, then blurts out, "Lying bitch!" and calls her "nothing but trash". Gina shoots her the stink-eye as she storms out. The Walsh house. Matt and Lauren sit outside and stare up at the stars. She says she's so tired of being filled with anger and frustration, then tells him she only has three pills left. Matt suggests they find a way to get her the meds she needs without going through official channels...but then has to admit he has no idea how to go about doing that. He pulls out a set of plane tickets to Venice so they can celebrate a second honeymoon in Europe, and she woots happily as the two exchange I love yous. Casa David. Kelly and Dylan are sitting on the front porch playing Battleship. She tells him she offered her help and friendship to Matt during this very dark time, then asks him where Gina is. He grimaces and says they're taking a much needed break, then starts nattering about how badly he needs some focus on his life. He then declares that he's only ever been able to connect with two people in his life: Kelly and Toni. Not Brenda? Ouch. Kelly smiles smugly, and then sinks one of his battleships. Beach house. David drops by to check on Donna, and she assures him she's fine...then cancels that and says it's just what she's been telling herself. He brings up his on air question about ex-lovers being friends, says, "I lied", then plants a big smooch on her. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly puts her sad face on and tells Donna she hasn't talked to Matt since the end of the previous episode, when he was like, "Hey Kelly. Guess what? I'm married" then introduced her to his wife. Cue Matt, who is suddenly milling outside the boutique, so Kelly goes out to talk to him in the mall courtyard. He explains that he's been stashing Lauren at the Bel Age Hotel ever since she arrived in L.A. - but he can't afford to keep her there indefinitely, so he's going to have to move her into the Walsh house soon. He meekly adds, "I just want to do the right thing", and an irked Kelly points out that "the right thing" would have included him mentioning that he had a fucking wife sometime before they first hit the sheets. Word. Gina is doing a training session at a client's house when Dylan drops by for lack of anything better to do with his day. When Gina answers the door, Dylan waves her day planner at her, then barges inside and runs up the stairs. Gina rushes back to the patio to instruct her client to do some stomach crunches, then goes upstairs to see what kind of mayhem Dylan is getting himself into. She finds him rifling through a chest of drawers and mumbling about how hard it is to fight his heroin cravings. He then gets all touchy feely with Gina and suggests he bone her right here and now...and Gina refrains from pointing out that they're in her client's house where she's right in the middle of a training session, and instead giggles and agrees to get it on with him. The Beverly Beat. Janet arrives for work while Steve and David are interviewing hot women to be in the Beat's new "page three girl" feature, like they used to do in Britain. Janet rolls her eyes and calls the tactic sleazy, but then dutifully goes to her desk and starts her workday 'cause I guess the Beat pays enough to make it worth her while to continue the indignity of being employed by an assclown like Steve. Gina and Dylan are out jogging together...and he's all winded and out of shape. They take a break in front of an elementary school so that Gina can relive her childhood trauma of coming in second during a skating competition. After Dark. David tells Donna he needs a date for a party that's being hosted by the station manager and his wife. Donna scrunches her giant face disapprovingly and declines 'cause she doesn't want to put Noah in an awkward position. Even though it was a total non-issue when Noah was Clara's date for the Blockbuster Entertainment awards. The Beverly Beat. Steve is tanning shirtless under a sun lamp while Janet continues to complain about the sleaziness of featuring "page three girls". Steve insists it could really boost their sales, and Janet grumbles about there being no dignity in her job. And speaking of which, Steve asks her if she wouldn't mind lathering suntan lotion on his shoulders. She complies and spots what is hopefully a stage four melanoma growth, and advises him to get the suspicious mole examined by a dermatologist. Steve breezily says he's sure it's nothing, but then stares worriedly into space. Beach house. Donna is primping for a romantic night out with Noah when she asks to borrow something from Gina...then returns to the living room clutching the incriminating photo booth photos of Gina and Noah she must have found in her drawer. She sternly asks Gina whaddup with this, and Gina tells her they were just posing, while Noah unhelpfully chimes in about how drunk he was that night and doesn't remember what the hell he might have done. Donna becomes enraged, cancels their romantic night out, and storms to her room. Matt tells Kelly - now that the cat is totally out of the bag - that he'd like to regale her with the complete story of his relationship with Lauren. He tells her they were high school sweethearts, got married at age twenty, and a year later she started to hear voices egging her on to do terrible things. After she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she spent three years in a mental hospital until her doctor thought to prescribe clozapine, and then suddenly she got better and phoned him with the good news. He says he never wanted to give up on Lauren...and figured that being upfront with Kelly about the fact that he has a wife in a mental hospital would translate to 'giving up on Lauren'. He admits to loving both of them, then wails about how screwed up the situation [largely of his own making] is. The Walsh house. Lauren cooks breakfast while grumbling about everything she's missed out on while languishing in the hospital for three years. When she serves Matt his French toast, she's startled when she looks down at the plate and sees that it's still raw 'cause she forgot to turn the stove on. She cries, "What did I dooo?" and Matt assures her it's OK, and that eventually she'll relearn how to operate large appliances. She suddenly laments losing her wedding ring, but he tells her he took it off her finger for safekeeping. She points at his ring finger and sadly remarks that he no longer wears his either. No duh. If he had kept the damn thing on, we probably wouldn't be suffering through his dull-as-fuck wife/girlfriend love triangle storyline right now. Steve is being examined by Bernie Kopell, the Love Boat doctor, to see if his mole is cancerous. Doc also examines other areas of Steve's pasty white skin and chides him for sitting under a heat lamp. He calls the mole in question irregular and says, yep, it definitely could be a carcinoma. Steve looks panicked and goes, "Cancer?" and Doc nods and advises him to stop needlessly exposing his skin to harmful UV rays, and urges against going outside shirtless without sunscreen. The Peach Pit. Noah gives Gina shit for not throwing away the photo booth photos, and accuses her of enjoying making Donna miserable. Gina tells him that Donna deserves to know the truth, then implies that the two of them did, in fact, bump uglies on that fateful night. She looks faux insulted and says it hurts her feelings that he has no memory of the beautiful grinding that occurred in his bedroom that night...and Noah furrows his brows and contorts his face, looking angry and perplexed. Gina meets up with Dylan, and the two head out to the Peach Pit parking lot. He tells her that since he has community service at 7am, he'll just drop her off at home and get a good night's rest. Gina poutishly asks him if he's sick of her already [even if he's not, I'm definitely getting there], then starts unbuttoning her top and threatens to continue until he declares his immediate need to doink her. When he remains stubbornly mute, she removes her top...then has to hide behind Dylan when Nat exits the diner to gabble about something pointless. While Nat and Dylan are talking, Gina strips off her bra - which essentially means she's now topless in a public parking lot - and after Nat goes back inside, Dylan hastily covers her up and agrees to spend the night at her place. Girl has some serious issues that will need to be unpacked in a future recap. The Walsh house. Kelly is packing up her remaining stuff from Matt's room when Matt suddenly appears in the doorway and uselessly moans about how much he hates this situation. Kelly snappishly asks him what he wants, so he says, "I want to help Lauren, but go home to you every night" and she just stares at him in mute bewilderment. Cut the cord already, dullards. Noah drops by Now Wear This with a bouquet of flowers as a peace offering, and Donna snarks, "They make you look guilty." He explains for the umpteenth time that he was drunk on the night he and Gina took the photo booth photos, and definitely wasn't looking to hook up with her. Donna remains stone-faced and declares that she's decided to accompany David to the station manager's party tomorrow after all, and smugly describes the favor as "helping out a friend". Noah says he doesn't like the sound of that one bit, but Donna sassily retorts that she really doesn't give a rat's ass. The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet he's been spending time at the public library reading up on skin cancer. He adds that he went to the Love Boat doctor, who's currently testing his mole for cancer. He hangs his head shamefully and laments how he's done nothing with his life except party and act like a boneheaded halfwit. He worries what people will say about him after he's dead - e.g. "here lies a boneheaded halfwit" - then frets that he's blown it...and also that he's blown it with her. Janet clucks sympathetically and gives him a squeeze. Beach house. Kelly is standing on the patio, sadly staring out at the ocean when Dylan and Gina arrive...and Dylan promptly sends Gina inside so that he can have a tender heart-to-heart with Kelly. She whines to him about The Matt and Lauren Situation, and Dylan reminds her about Matt's timeline: he lost his wife to a mental illness, put himself through law school, hit the relationship jackpot when he met Kelly, but now has to contend with an only somewhat recovered schizophrenic wife. Kelly smiles at him tearfully, then cries, "I want Matt baaaaaack." OMFG - whyyyyyyyy??? The Walsh house. After spending the night together, Steve glumly tells Janet that last night's doink was probably nothing more than a mercy fuck for someone who might be dying...and she's only half-heartedly able to deny it. He says he's been thinking about what's been missing from his life (substance, a purpose) and decides he'd like to do more volunteer work. Janet applauds him for being so selfless, and urges him to focus on all the positive changes he could be making. David and Donna arrive at the station manager's party and quickly get on the same page about what they'll say when someone asks them how they met. They greet the host and his wife, engage in idle chit-chat, then get asked to pose/kiss for a photo. The two stare longingly at each other and kiss in slo-mo while the photographer snaps away. Kelly drops by Matt's office to tell him that she received the present he mailed to her (an engraved keychain to put his spare key on) before all the Lauren baggage hit the fan. She promises to move on if he can definitively declare that he loves Lauren more than her...but the dolt refuses to utter those simple words. Kelly storms out of his office and shoots Lauren the stink-eye when she passes her on her way back to the boutique. Steve is at the beach, covered from head to toe to avoid sun exposure, and is surrounded by bikini clad women as he sells the latest copies of the Beat. Janet arrives and asks him whassup with this latest spectacle, so he explains that he's using the women as advertisement for selling papers while lecturing passersby on the dangers of skin cancer, pointing out that each of the shapely, half naked women is wearing sunscreen. Er, OK..? He thanks Janet for her concern about his suspicious mole, then urges everyone within earshot to check their bodies for any skin irregularities. Janet says she's proud of him for doing something quasi-charitable and gives him a kiss. After Dark. David and Donna pull up in the club's parking lot and agree that they had a lovely time at the party. They gabble about their dating history...blah blah...and then David leans in for a smooch. A slightly discombobulated Donna then enters the club and makes a beeline over to Noah. She apologizes to him for suspecting the worst about his night with Gina...then wryly asks him if they can just burn the photo booth photos. Yes please. Restaurant. Dylan and Gina are out for dinner...and she tells him she'd like them to take a night off from pawing each other and instead enjoy a nice meal while acting like civilized adults. Dylan's like, "Noooooo waaaaaaay!" and starts loudly singing When the Saints Go Marching In. The waiter comes over and asks him to keep his voice down, but Dylan is having too much fun indulging in his loopy behavior that appears to be functioning as an antidote to his smack cravings...so he continues singing in an even louder voice, and carries a giggling Gina out of the restaurant. Kelly is closing up the boutique when Lauren comes by to ask a favor. Kelly warns her that she's not feeling very charitable at the moment, but Lauren presses ahead and asks her to please not fight for Matt. Kelly whines, "It's not fair!" and Lauren points out that she lost three years in a mental hospital and now wants her life back...and has to rely on Kelly's kindness to get it back. She snaps, "That's not fair either" then stalks off. After Dark. Bernie Kopell calls Steve to let him know that the mole came back all clear: no cancer. Steve tells Janet the good news, and she squeals happily and gives him a hug. He then spots the group of page three girls gathered on the other side of the dance floor and says he's going to go over and say hi to them...and Janet stares after him looking dismayed. Dylan and Gina are strolling outside when a frenetic Dylan suggests they have sex on the side of the road like a couple of dogs in heat. Gina suddenly gets prudish and says she doesn't want to, then accuses him of treating her like a sex object. Or like a woman who wantonly strips topless in a public parking lot to convince her sort-of boyfriend to spend the night romping with her in the sack. She scrunches her face in contrived misery and says what she really wants is for him to tell her how much he cares about her...and he just kind of rolls his eyes thinking, "As if", and suggests they head home. After Dark. Noah has arranged for the band, Wild Orchid, to perform for him and Donna...while David creepily watches them slow dance from the DJ booth. Donna forgives Noah for his drunken antics on the night of the photo booth photos, then stares over his shoulder to gaze longingly at David. Beach house. Gina tells Noah she heard that he and Donna worked things out...then hints again that they most definitely hit the sheets that night. He demands to know the truth, so she smugly says, "Nothing happened that you haven't already done tonight" then laughs and flounces off. After Dark. David is still in the DJ booth, giving his listeners his sad commentary about how romantic Valentine's Day is for couples, but a sad reminder of loneliness for single people. The Walsh house. Kelly comes over to tell Matt that she totally gets that he loves her...but that she's saying goodbye despite how hard it is. She kisses his cheek, tells him he's made her very happy over the past six or so episodes, then strides away from the house with a mournful expression on her face. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: The 90210 gang (minus Matt) is gathered at Casa Walsh and playing strip poker - a visual I really didn't need right out of the gate, not to mention that it seems like a totally weird thing to be doing with a group of your platonic co-ed pals. Kelly excuses herself to call Matt, who fibbed to everyone that he had to go to New York on business. New York. Matt is dining out with Lauren, who informs viewers that she just spent the last three years of her life in an institution because of her schizophrenia. Apparently, she woke up one day after taking some magic pills her doctor prescribed and feels totally normal again. She tells Matt how excited she is to move to L.A., resume their marriage, and put her illness behind her. Matt flatly replies, "That's great" and when she looks put out by his unmistakable lack of enthusiasm, he assures her he really does want to be with her. Sort of. But not really so much. The Walsh house. Strip poker has deteriorated to the point where Steve is forced to strip naked...and he stands proudly in front of his friends, his naughties bared. Dylan is carrying out his community service sentence as part of a chain gang construction crew, and naturally the foreman is an abusive asshole who calls them dirtbags and threatens them with jail time if they misbehave. As the demoralized men obediently shovel rocks, a Hispanic man (Ramon) who's working alongside Dylan warns the douchebag foreman that any more digging of the rocks could cause a dangerous slide if they don't shore up the hill first - but the douchebag foreman barks at him to shut up and keep shovelling, and that if he refuses to follow orders he'll boot his ass over the Mexican border. Dylan advises Ramon to get back to work and not cause anymore trouble for himself. The Walsh house. Steve is miffed at losing the strip poker game so badly to Noah, so out of curiosity he puts on the glasses that Noah was wearing all evening and discovers that they're some kind of trick glasses he used in conjunction with a deck of marked cards. He informs Donna of her boyfriend's duplicity, and she agrees that they're going to need to formulate a revenge plot, like pronto. The Peach Pit. David spots a pretty blonde woman sitting at a table, reading a book and crying. He goes over and asks her whassup with her sadness, so she explains that her job is to read unpublished novels to see if they'd make good movies, and she's tearing up over the book she's currently reading 'cause it's a bittersweet romance. David looks intrigued by this sensitive stranger - but then gets interrupted by Steve and Donna, who pull him away to forcibly involve him in the Revenge Against Noah subplot. Matt drops by the boutique to see Kelly, who chides him for not calling her back during his "business trip". He fibs and tells her he unplugged his phone so he could work uninterrupted all night, then got up at dawn to catch his plane back to L.A. She tells him she made plans for the two of them to spend the weekend canoodling in Santa Barbara...and when he tries to turn the invitation down, she chirps, "My treat!" He tells her he might not be able to get away 'cause of work, so she's like, "Ooh" and tells him to let her know if he can't make it so she can cancel their reservation. After Dark. David, Donna, and Steve are tampering with Noah's CO2 canisters, cranking up the pressure so he'll get sprayed whenever he pours drinks to customers. Donna remarks on how petty and juvenile the prank is. And only slightly less mind numbing than last episode's Georgia/Nipsy dog mating caper. Matt shows Lauren his office, and she marvels at the fabulousness of his California life, and the two engage in some boring chit-chat that my brain involuntarily tuned out. Eventually she turns glum and asks him if he has a girlfriend, and he admits he does and cares about her a lot. She asks him if he loves this woman, and he dodges that minefield by saying, "It doesn't matter. Your being here is what matters" and Lauren doesn't bother challenging the vagueness of that lame non-answer. After Dark. Gina teases Dylan about being part of a chain gang, then asks him to tell her all about his day when they're suddenly interrupted by Dylan's Narcotics Anonymous sponsor, a shapely woman named Linda. Gina looks put out by her hotness, but agrees to leave the table so the two can talk in private. Noah runs out of CO2 and has to change tanks...and while he's doing that, David, Donna, and Steve sit at the bar and anxiously await the hilarity that's about to ensue. As soon as Noah pours his next drink, he gets sprayed on...and the three idiots laugh and declare this their revenge on him for cheating during the strip poker game. Kelly calls Matt's office, but gets his voicemail. She scrunches her face in perplexed irritation. Bel Age Hotel. As Matt escorts Lauren to her hotel room, she laments the various stimulus problems she had while driving to the hotel, such as processing the difference between a red and green light - a clear indication that she probably shouldn't be behind the wheel. She brushes off her concerns and kisses Matt, then looks put out when he involuntarily cringes. She says she merely wanted him to hold her...then asks if it would have been so terrible if she'd wanted some penetration. She asks him if he's been so standoffish because of his girlfriend, then makes it clear how dismayed she is at having to stay in a hotel room instead of with him at his home. Matt explains what a zoo Casa Walsh is, and that he enjoys spending time with her at the Bel Age 'cause it gives them a chance to have their privacy... and Lauren seems reasonably placated by that. Kelly phones Matt again, but keeps getting his voicemail. She lets out a big sigh, then calls up the hotel in Santa Barbara and cancels the weekend reservation. Steve gets out of the shower and notices that his hair has turned a neon shade of green. Bwahaha! As Steve gasps at his reflection in the mirror, an amused looking Noah cackles with pride at his latest prank. Matt drops by the boutique to apologize to Kelly for not calling her back. She tells him that something feels different between them, and he's like, "Uh huh", but continues to keep mum about Lauren, 'cause why clear up the situation when Kelly can find out about Lauren in a far more confusing, painful fashion? She tells him she went ahead and cancelled their hotel reservation in Santa Barbara, and he says that was probably a good idea 'cause something has come up. The Peach Pit. David runs into the pretty blonde woman again...and when the two introduce themselves, he learns that her name is Carol. The two start chatting about their favorite films...blah blah...and he musters the courage to ask her out to a movie. She agrees to meet him at the theater and gives him her number. Steve, meanwhile, enters the diner with a carrying case and snarls at David, "Noah's a dead man." By scripted coincidence, it's the day of the After Dark's annual health inspection. As Noah greets the health inspector, Steve sneaks into the club with the carrying case, then sets it on the floor and releases a little mouse. The inspector finds the mouse trap that Steve planted and asks Noah whassup with that...and suddenly Steve and Donna appear, giggling at the genius of their counter-prank. Noah snaps at the two idiots for messing with his business...and as he's doing that, the inspector collapses. Noah rushes over to him, checks his pulse...and when he can't find one, he orders Donna to call 911. As she scampers off to do that, Steve starts freaking out and tells Noah that the unconscious guy isn't actually the health inspector - just an actor named Hal he hired to pretend to be the health inspector. A few seconds later, the real health inspector arrives, and Noah and Steve shove Hal into an old refrigerator to hide the evidence of their moronic shenanigans. Chain gang. During lunch, Ramon tells Dylan he works two jobs and goes to night school so he can get his contractor's license. The douchebag foreman snatches the study book Ramon is holding and laughs at his future aspirations, and Dylan gets all in his face and growls at him to stop ridiculing his new friend. After Dark. The health inspector gives Noah a glowing review...but by the time Noah, Steve, and Donna race to the back room to check on dead Hal, they're aghast when the refrigerator they shoved him into is gone. Nat saunters in and informs them that the salvage guys left with it a little while ago. After that, two paramedics arrive and say they got a call about a reported dead person, and the three idiots deny that any of them would dare waste the valuable time of first responders, and tell them it was probably a crank call. Out in a park somewhere, Gina is strolling with David and complaining to him about all the time Dylan is spending with his hot NA sponsor instead of opening up to her. David shrugs disinterestedly and tells her to "follow Dylan's lead" - otherwise their fragile hookup could rapidly fall apart. Gina is about to let out a haughty retort - but puts a pin in that when she suddenly spots Matt openly smooching Lauren. She's all, "OMG!" and doesn't bother hiding her delight at seeing first hand evidence that Matt is stepping out on Kelly. Donna, Noah, and Steve arrive at the salvage yard and ask if the refrigerator that was brought over from the Peach Pit is still intact. The salvage yard guy answers by pointing at a compressed heap of metal and proudly tells them it's ready for recycling. Lauren tells Matt how delighted she is to be out and about, shopping and canoodling with her man. She then turns glum and asks about his girlfriend, and sadly adds that she doesn't want her contrived story arc to ruin his happiness. Matt just mutely stares into space. Gina heads straight over to Now Wear This and reports to Kelly that she thinks Matt might be seeing someone else, and gives her the deets of what she witnessed in the park. Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" and stares into space with a stricken expression on her face. Chain gang. Dylan tells Ramon that he's doing community service 'cause he stormed the Marchette mansion while armed and hopped up on heroin. A few seconds later, large boulders from the top of the hill come crashing down, nearly killing them...and the douchebag foreman yells at them for not shoring up the hill like he ordered them to. Dylan bellows back that Ramon was the one who had suggested the shoring up of the hill - but Ramon admonishes him for dragging him into a pointless altercation and messing with his life's goal of becoming a contractor. After Dark. Steve wails to Donna and Noah about how wrecked he is that Hal dropped dead, got shoved into a fridge, which was then compressed like a tin can. David arrives at the movie theater, but there's no sign of Carol. He tries calling her on his cell, but it looks like she gave him a fake number. Haha! Casa David. Gina lights a bunch of candles to create a romantic ambiance for an evening with her slouchy beau. He grumbles about how exhausted he is - but then perks up when she smoochingly offers to run him a bath. Post-coitus, Dylan gets a call from Linda and asks Gina to vacate the room so he can speak privately to his hot sponsor. Ouch. Gina stares at him in incredulity, then growls, "Go to hell!" as she storms out. An oblivious Dylan starts gabbling to Linda about his day with his new chain gang friends. Beach house. Kelly is leaning against the patio railing, looking as surly as possible when Matt drops by. She snarks about not being able to trust him, and expresses utter disbelief that he didn't even try to hide whatever he has going on the side with his other girlfriend. He weakly tries to explain the situation, but Kelly refuses to hear him out and storms inside. Chain gang. The douchebag foreman warns Dylan that if he continues to sass him in front of the crew, he'll end up serving jail time. Dylan says he doesn't care what happens to him, but urges him to lay off Ramon 'cause he's a far better man than either of them. The douchebag foreman lets that uncomfortable truth sink in for a few seconds, then gruffly orders Dylan to get back to work. Beach house. Kelly tells Donna that she and Matt are dunzo, and Donna's all, "Wha-a? I thought you two were doing great!" but then is forced to excuse herself from being Kelly's sounding board when Steve arrives and solemnly announces, "It's time." Kelly stares in bewilderment at Steve's green follicles and asks, "What's on your head?" Haha! Beach. Dylan finds a conch and wants to throw it into the ocean - but Ramon stops him, says it's too beautiful to throw away, and urges him to hold onto it. He thanks Dylan for putting in a good word for him with the douchebag foreman after his outburst and is grateful that he wasn't given any additional community service. Steve and Donna arrive at Hal's house to inform his wife that her husband is no more. When she answers the door and gets the first part of the news - that he had a heart attack - she lets out a sharp cry, then collapses onto the floor. Steve and Donna are like, "Ack!" and flee the scene. Beach house. Dylan drops by to see Gina, and she greets him with a slap on the cheek...and instead of ending the toxic horror show this relationship has rapidly become, he hands her the conch and gabbles about what a powerful thing revenge can be, and that he got lost in his desire to lash out at Marchette. And by lash out, he means shoot to death. He says he's happy to be doing his community service while free of drugs, and Gina assures him he'll get through it OK, then gives him a thank you hug for the pretty shell. After Dark. Carol drops by the DJ booth to explain to David that her mom got into a car accident right before she was supposed to meet him at the movies. David snappishly asks her to explain why the phone number she gave him was a fake, so she checks the number he had dialled and determines that he wrote her number down wrong. She then says she's leaving L.A. to fly to Chicago to take care of her injured mother, and that this scene officially marks the end of this utterly pointless sub-subplot. After Dark. Steve moans to Donna that he hopes Hal's wife didn't just die...and a few seconds later they see her enter the club. Donna slinks over to her and sheepishly extends her condolences for her husband's untimely demise, and the wife breezily says it's all good 'cause Hal wasn't a very nice guy...and a few seconds later, Hal and Noah enter the club, looking amused and smug. Steve and Donna are all, "Wha-a?" then quickly deduce that Noah has somehow tricked them. When Donna tells Noah that they hired Hal to prank him, Noah laughingly explains that he happened to answer the phone when Hal called her back, quickly figured out what she was up to, and paid him double to trick the two of them. He then goes behind the bar, pours a drink, and gets sprayed with water from the tampered CO2 tank that I guess he forgot to fix...and everyone chuckles merrily. Kelly drops by Matt's office to tell him she doesn't want to break up with him. She says they get along great and are good together, and Matt agrees that even though they're the show's most boring-as-fuck couple since the snoredom that was Brandon and Susan Keats, what they had was terrific. Kelly's like, "Wuh? Then why end it?" and Matt says, "Because of Lauren" ... and suddenly Lauren appears behind him in the doorway. Matt introduces her to Kelly as his wife, and Kelly stares back at the two of them with a tearful look of shocked bewilderment. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly is sniping at Matt about how her BFF nearly died 'cause he failed to alert anyone about Dylan's destructive heroin use. Matt points out that Donna is miraculously fine...then explains that Dylan is his client, which means he can't go around blabbing stuff about him behind his back. Kelly retorts, "Well, Dylan is my friend and needs help" and Matt's like, "Fuck off, I'm tired of having the same argument with you over attorney-client privilege" and refuses to accept the blame for his slouchy client's druggie behavior. Over at Casa David, Noah, Steve, and David admonish Dylan for not finishing the job - I mean nearly drowning Donna - and Dylan hangs his head in shame and mumbles, "I get it" but then grunts at them to get off his back. He snaps that he'll deal with his shit in his own way, then slouches toward the door. David tries to stop him from leaving by offering to help him get clean, but Dylan declines and swings open the door and - ack! - is startled to see Donna standing on the doorstep, looking as meek and doe-eyed as she can muster. She sees the stricken look on his face and assures him she's fine...and when he mumbles that he'd never deliberately hurt her, she coos, "I know", hugs him, and implores him to let her and/or the 90210 gang help him through his tedious drug problems. He promises to give it a shot. The Beverly Beat. Janet brings her new friend, Trey, to the newsroom, along with their two Dobermans. The subplot summary here: Janet is contemplating allowing his dog to mate with hers, and is also considering whether or not she's interested enough in Trey to want to mate with him. Janet asks Steve to dog-sit her Doberman while she and Trey go on a date. Beach house. Kelly is calling various rehab facilities to determine the best place for Dylan to get his head screwed on straight, and when Gina overhears what she's doing she informs her that Matt has already found a rehab program. She then announces that she's headed over to her slouchy boyfriend's place right now, but Kelly haughtily says she's going over there and suggests that Gina open the boutique instead. Gina barks, "I think I should be with Dylan" and Kelly snaps back, "So do I" so then Donna interjects and suggests they all go over there together, needlessly hover over Dylan, then open the boutique later. Gina ignores her peacemaking attempt and snarkishly asks Kelly if there's something she wants to say to her, and Kelly bitchily replies, "You handled his addiction, let us handle his recovery", shoots her the stink-eye, and flounces out of the apartment. After Dark. Noah is watching a singer named Clara who, for some reason, is performing just for him. He gushes about how great she is...but when she starts fretting about not having a thing to wear for the upcoming Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, Noah says he can put her in touch with a terrific giant-headed designer. Steve takes Janet's Doberman - a gorgeous girl named Georgia - to the dog park. He quickly gets distracted from his dog-sitting duties when he meets a pretty dog owner named Mitzi...and as he's flirting with her, Georgia scampers off to sniff all the available male dogs milling about. The 90210 gang (plus Gina) is gathered at Casa David for a half-hearted intervention to discuss which rehab program they should ship Dylan off to. Kelly favors one called Rapid Detox, but Gina argues that it sounds "too fast food". Kelly pulls out a pamphlet for the program that describes its detox method as "effective and safe" (it must be true if it's on their pamphlet), then smugly tells Gina she can suck on it 'cause she's already made all the arrangements. Matt reminds everyone that Dylan is due in court soon to face two felony counts related to his drug-induced break-in of the Marchette mansion, and points out that him being in rehab weakens his case. He adds that if Dylan is found guilty - fingers crossed! - he can get up to ten years. Steve is still flirting with Mitzi when another dog owner drags Georgia over and yells at Steve for allowing his horny dog to get it on with his runty little mutt, Nipsy. Steve's all, "Ack!" and tells the guy that Georgia is supposed to be saving herself for a fellow Doberman. The guy refrains from pointing out that that would have been a good fucking reason to keep an eye on his dog. Or maybe not bring her to a dog park. Or maybe leave this incredible bore of a subplot on the editing room floor and come up with a less snorefesty way for Steve and Janet to interact. Now Wear This. Noah brings Clara to the boutique to see if any of Donna's '90s style spaghetti string dresses appeal to her. An excited Donna covertly tells Noah that if Clara wears one of her dresses to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, it could create a buzz over her designs and start boosting her sales. After examining every rack of clothing, Clara finally ambles over and tells Donna she loooves her stuff and wants her to design a dress for her to wear to the awards show. As Donna stares at her in mute disbelief at the implausible request, Clara hints at Noah that she wants him to be her date for the big event. A restless Dylan is unable to sleep, so he crawls out of bed and wakes up Gina in the process. She sleepily asks him whassup, so he tells her he's going to take a cold shower. He then slouches into the bathroom, turns on the water, then climbs out the bathroom window. The next morning, Kelly snarks at Gina for letting Dylan escape and bitchily reminds her that she was supposed to be watching him. David points out that Dylan's a grown man, and therefore would have found a way to flee regardless of who was supposed to be babysitting him...then suggests they look for him where he likes to score his drugs. Everyone splits up into groups of two and embarks on The Amazing Race: Find Slouchy Edition before he gets a chance to stock up on more heroin and/or die in a puddle of his own vomit. While driving around, Donna suggests to Noah that they check out the Bel Age Hotel 'cause it's where Dylan used to live. Noah snorts derisively and says that Dylan's problems are his own fault, and that she's such an awesome cherub to forgive him for nearly killing her in the previous episode. He then abruptly changes the subject and tells her that Clara really wants him to escort her to the awards show, and Donna says she's fine with that 'cause she totally trusts him. Kelly and Matt are ambling around the beach where Dylan used to surf and, as Kelly explains, flee to whenever they felt angst-ridden about their privileged, pretty people lives. Matt remarks on how left out he's been feeling in this situation, and Kelly apologizes for repeatedly blaming him for Dylan's substance abuse issues. As the camera pans down, we see that Dylan is actually there, huddled behind a giant pile of rocks and looking green around the gills. The Beverly Beat. A mystified Janet tells Steve that Georgia has no interest in mating with Trey's dog, so Steve sheepishly admits that he took her to the dog park, let her run around off-leash, and before he knew what was happening she was bumping uglies with a scrappy pooch named Nipsy. Janet's all, "Wha-a?!", gets enraged at Steve for not taking his dog-sitting duties more seriously, and storms out of the newsroom. Beach. Dylan is leaning against a giant rock, dry heaving, then gets up and staggers around. He finds a small baggie of heroin in his pocket...then cries out in helpless anger as he dumps it on the ground, then collapses face-first onto the sand. LOL. The Peach Pit. David and Gina enter the diner and ask Nat if he's seen Dylan, and he's like, "Nope. Better call the police." Gina half-heartedly blames herself for Dylan's escape, but David says he was determined to get high no matter what. Gina then comes clean and confesses that she reluctantly provided Dylan with drugs from his stash after twice refusing to do it, which explains why he was so high when he nearly killed Donna. David shoots her the stink-eye for so actively enabling her druggie boyfriend. Kelly and Matt return to the beach house after having no luck finding Dylan. Matt says he's bummed about her past relationships with Brandon and Dylan, but Kelly makes it clear that they're both great guys, then solemnly adds, "If they ever need me, they have me." Matt applauds her for being such a great friend, but makes it clear how hard it sucks for him that she's chosen a side that isn't his. Kelly weakly denies choosing sides, but has to put a pin in that argument when she suddenly notices that Dylan is passed out on her patio. As she hovers over him anxiously, he weakly cries, "Hellllp me." Hospital. The doctor tells the gang that Dylan's system will be heroin-free within four to six hours - and Donna's like, "Yay!" and rushes off to work on the design for Clara's award show dress. Matt tells Kelly it might be best for Dylan if he explored a plea agreement, though it could result in jail time. Kelly snaps, "You'll have to do better than that!" and Matt stomps away looking irked at her chronic bitchitude whenever it comes to his his lawyerly advice. Gina arrives at the hospital and sarcastically thanks Kelly for calling her and says she's been up all night worrying. When Kelly informs her that Dylan is currently under anesthesia, Gina mockingly calls her "a saint for taking care of other people's boyfriends". Kelly smugly tells her that Dylan showed up on her doorstep and was mumbling her name when she found him, then says they've been friends for nine years. Gina retorts that she's in Dylan's life now, isn't going anywhere, and that Kelly should get used to that. So there. Janet drags Steve to the dog park with her so she can check out Nipsy. When she gets a look at the scrappy little mutt, she's horrified...and isn't consoled when Steve points out that Nipsy has character. Mitzi wanders over to say hey to Steve and that she's looking forward to their dinner date, and Janet shoots the stink-eye at Steve. Incidentally, whoever thought it was a good idea to have a Mitzi and a Nipsy in the same subplot had no idea how confusing it would be to recap. Beach house. Donna models a long grey sack of a dress for Noah and tells him it's the dress she designed for Clara. It seems kind of underwhelming to wear to a televised awards show, but OK. Noah gushes about what a brilliant designer she is, and she coquettishly asks him if he could help her out of the dress. He grins and coos, "With pleasure." Courthouse. The DA tells Matt he's wasting his time trying to get a plea deal for Dylan, so Matt explains that on the night of the break-in, he was mostly assaulting the ghost of his dead wife's killer. The DA mulls that over and offers to drop the drug possession charge - but not the assault charge - so Matt tries to drum up more sympathy by adding that in Season 6, Dylan's wife (of five minutes) was killed before his eyes, and in Season 3 his father was (fake) blown up right in front of him. He pleads with the DA to give Dylan a second chance - and for some reason she softens enough to downgrade the charges to trespassing, which will entail a fine, probation, rehab, and community service. The two shake on it, and the DA reminds Matt that he owes her big time, and that she hopes his slouchy friend is worth it. Nope. He is not. Beach house. Donna is watching the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards show with David and Steve, and is horrified when she sees that Clara has accessorized her sack dress with purple feather boas and other unspeakable accessories. When an entertainment reporter asks Clara who she's wearing, Noah proudly announces that it's a Donna Martin original. Bwahahaha! Donna cringes in mortification and moans that Clara has ruined her fugly outfit. Hospital. Matt asks Gina how she's doing, and she tells him she's lonely, then lets out a bitter laugh and acknowledges that she doesn't have many friends. He asks her where Kelly is, and she wryly replies, "Take a wild guess" so Matt heads over to Dylan's hospital room and finds her standing over the Slouchster, staring down at him concernedly. He tells her he made a deal with the DA that will excuse Dylan from any jail time...and passive-aggressively grumbles about how owing the DA a favor will probably negatively affect his next client, then mutters, "But other people are always paying for Dylan's mistakes." He urges Kelly to let Gina hover over Dylan, but she refuses to budge...and then suddenly, Dylan starts to flatline (!), and a bunch of doctors and nurses rush around, desperately trying to shock his heart back to life. Gina is pacing the waiting room as Matt sheepishly apologizes to Kelly for making that snarky remark about Dylan- instead of firmly standing by it like he has every right to. After about twenty minutes, the doctor comes out to tell them that Dylan's totes fine now that his heart has been shocked back into a normal rhythm...and that the only thing that ails him is the looming heroin withdrawal process. He urges them to go home and get some rest, but Gina insists on sticking around. As does Kelly, despite Matt's best efforts to get her to leave with him. He asks her to consider if there's more to her affection for Slouchy than that of a platonic friend, then dejectedly shuffles off like the spineless wussy little man he is. Beach house. Noah finds Donna sitting in the living room, bummed about the scathing reviews her Clara dress has gotten, and its inclusion on fashion pages' Worst Dressed List. Noah apologizes for broadcasting to the world that she was the designer, but she assures him she understands that he was only trying to help, then gives him an impromptu cuddle. Hospital. Gina opens up to Kelly about her portly mother, and how she always depended on Gina to do everything for her...and apparently this made Gina get used to feeling needed and important. She acknowledges how cunty she's been acting ever since her debut on Beverly Hills, 90210, and Kelly wryly says she's not the only one who's been behaving badly, and that Dylan's drug problems are solely his fault. Well duh. The doctor comes over to inform the two that Dylan is awake and can have visitors, so Kelly tells Gina, "Give him my best" and finally decides to abide by some reasonable boundaries and head home. Gina enters Dylan's room, and he tells her he's happy to see her, and she beams in response. The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve that her dog didn't get knocked up by Nipsy after all...and that Trey invited her to dinner, but she turned him down. She's decided that Trey and his dog have zero personality - unlike Steve and Nipsy. Steve takes this as a hopeful sign and grins at her stupidly. A group of young women stream inside Now Wear This and ask Donna if they have any dresses in stock like the one Clara wore to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards. Apparently, they love whatever Clara wears, regardless of how fugly her choice in clothing is, or how relentlessly she's mocked on the various Worst Dressed lists. Hospital. David drops by to see Dylan, who mumbles incoherently about not sweating the small stuff, but also not taking the important things in life for granted. David says he still wants them to be roommates, now that the heroin has worked its way out of his system. Dylan thanks him, and the two share a manly handshake. Matt is on the phone when Kelly drops by his office to tell him she's officially decided she only likes Dylan as a friend. For the moment, anyway. She apologizes for her annoying relationship baggage, and he tells her she's not the only one with baggage...and speaking of baggage, could they please talk about this later so he can finish the phone conversation he's right in the middle of? She chirps, "Sure!" and gives him a quick peck before leaving. Once she's out of hearing range, he resumes his conversation with Lauren - spoiler: his wife! - and tells her how happy he is to hear her voice. On the other end of the line, in New York City, Lauren coos, "I love you sweetheart" and Matt dutifully returns her I love you as the scene fades to black. Boring love triangle alert. Fuck. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Dylan pulls up to the Marchette mansion on his motorcycle. He slouches up to the front door, pulls the gun out of his pants, and knocks on the front door. When a woman answers, he points the gun at her and growls, "Don't say a word" and orders her into the study. He turns up the volume on the stereo that was softly playing classical music, then positions himself by the door...and a few seconds later, the woman's husband enters the room to see whassup with the music being so loud. Dylan looks perplexed when he sees that the man isn't Tony Marchette and demands to know where he is. The wife explains that they bought this mansion three years ago from Marchette's estate, and Dylan's like, "What do you mean estate?" so the husband informs him that Tony Marchette committed suicide three weeks after his daughter was killed. He begs Dylan not to hurt them, and Dylan stares at them while his brain discombobulates, then mutters, "I'm sorry" and runs out of the house. What a dumbass. Kelly is sleeping over at Casa Walsh and asks Matt if she can use his toothbrush, and is taken aback when his reaction is, "Ew gross!" LOL. He tells her he's going to hop into the shower - just as Donna and Noah burst through the front door, vertically dry humping. Kelly goes downstairs to ask them if they want to join her and Matt for a snack, but Donna points at the woody straining against Noah's pants and says, "No can do." Janet appears out of nowhere and informs everyone that Steve is in a foul mood after learning how dissatisfied his Art of the Pick-up pupils are with his useless techniques. Shocker. Donna shrugs indifferently and tells Noah she's still up for a romp...but when they enter Noah's bedroom and start horizontally dry humping, Steve suddenly blasts his music in the room next door. Noah suggests they take a bubble bath...but when they enter the bathroom, they find a dripping Matt in there, finishing up his shower. Gina is sitting on the front stoop of David's apartment when Dylan rides up on his motorcycle. She notices how much grislier than usual he looks from all the hard living he's been doing lately and tells him they need to head over to the beach house before anyone else sees him. David suddenly emerges from the apartment and is all, "Ack!" when he sees Dylan's ghastly appearance. Gina breezily "explains" that he has the flu and that she's going to nurse him back to health at her place. Dylan murmurs to Gina that he desperately needs to get high, then agrees to crash at the beach house. Later, Dylan wakes up in Gina's bedroom and finds her holding his gun. She asks him if he was really going to kill Tony Marchette, and he's like, "Probably", then admits to being a full-on heroin addict who needs fixes a lot more frequently than just a couple of times a week. Gina offers to cancel her personal trainer appointments so she can help him through the stenchy withdrawal process, but Dylan doesn't like the idea of her seeing him be all sick and vomity 'cause she might get so turned off that she won't want to be with him. He tells her he really wants to be with her - now that Kelly is temporarily off the market - and the two clutch hands and stare solemnly into each other's eyes. The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet that Kelly and Matt have been hitting the sheets, and attributes their sack action to the genius of his Art of the Pick-up techniques. A few seconds later, a uniformed man enters the newsroom to deliver a stack of subpoenas to Steve. Looks like his disgruntled Art of the Pick-up pupils are taking him to small claims court to get their $250 back. Haha! David, meanwhile, arrives with a box full of Art of the Pick-up videotapes. When he sees the subpoenas, he confirms to Steve that he didn't notice any of the pupils scoring with a woman. He, on the other hand, had success after using "the grandma approach" on a woman named Gertrude, who was clearly too dimwitted to see through such brazen nonsense. Steve perks up and says he considers that to be an Art of the Pick-up success story. Donna tells Noah that her parents are going on a barn raising tour of Amish country - cool! - which means she's going to have to check on the house while they're gone. Noah suggests they get some much needed privacy by house-sitting Casa Martin, but Donna says the idea of getting doinked in her childhood home is too freakish for her. Noah wistfully says he misses his boat and the way they used to skinny dip together...and Donna mulls over that disturbing visual and points out that her parents do have a swimming pool with very high fencing around it, then barks, "Pack a bag!" At the mall, Kelly informs Matt that she bought an extra toothbrush for future sleepovers...and he flatly says, "Oh. Great" just as one of his clients, Brian, ambles over to say hey. Matt introduces Kelly as his "friend", which causes her to visibly deflate. After Brian is sent upstairs to wait in Matt's office, Steve struts over with his stack of subpoenas. Matt looks them over and informs him that small claims court doesn't allow defendants to bring lawyers in with them, but suggests he turn the case into the most embarrassing spectacle possible by bringing the matter to Judge Mary, a TV reality show. Steve perks up at the prospect of making a giant arse of himself on national television, then gets all cocky about what he assumes will be his big win in court. Now Wear This. Kelly tells Donna she's doinked Matt twice, but is worried that he's on the verge of dumping her 'cause of how unenthused he was when she told him about the extra toothbrush, and that he just introduced her to a client as his "friend". Donna urges her to play it cool, then laments how much she misses the excitement of having a new boyfriend. She abruptly decides she'd like to host a barbecue at Casa Martin while she and Noah are house-sitting, and invites Kelly and her plus one (assuming he doesn't dump her in the meantime). Beach house. Gina prepares a spaghetti dinner for Dylan, but he just picks at it and says he's not hungry. Gina gets angry and snarks at him for being wasted...and when he reaches out for her hand, she snaps, "Don't touch me!" and orders him to leave. He sighs wearily and slouches out of the apartment. David is out to dinner with Gertrude. She gabbles to him about her job at the community center and that, like him, a lot of the kids who hang out at the center have no parents. She suddenly brightens and asks David if he'd be willing to talk to the kids and become a grown orphan role model for them, and he's like, "Er...OK. Sure." Dylan gets stopped by two policemen while riding his motorcycle. They points their guns at him and order him off the bike, then inform him that last night there was a report of a break-in by a slouchster madman riding a motorcycle with this license plate number. When the cops do a quick search of his bike, they find his bag o' heroin and promptly arrest him. Yippee! Lock him up and throw away the key, I beg of you. Donna and Noah are at Casa Martin...and just as they're about to get it on, a couple of workmen suddenly appear carrying a roll of carpet. They explain that they somehow have the run of the house to replace all the carpets, and that the pool area also can't be accessed because of some unspecified harmful fumes. It's interesting that Felice never mentioned any of this when she asked Donna to look in on the house during their Amish country vacay. Gina visits Dylan in jail and stares at him sadly through the glass partition. He orders her to call Matt, drag his ass down here, and get him outa this hellhole. She glares at the uppity prick and retorts, "Why? So you can score?" and he's like, "Well d'yuh" and says he has zero desire to go through heroin withdrawal while in the clink. Steve and the unhappy plaintiffs appear on Judge Mary. The plaintiff's main complaint is that after paying $250 to attend Steve's Art of the Pick-up seminar, which came with a satisfaction guarantee, they were unable to seduce women. Judge Mary chides the men for being gullible morons and shelling out money for such an obvious scam, then asks if this guarantee was in writing. Someone produces a copy of the flyer, and indeed the dumb thing includes the phrase "satisfaction guaranteed". Kelly drops by Matt's office to suggest that they take a weekend trip to Santa Barbara, but he declines and says he's too busy with work to go out of town. Gina suddenly bursts in to inform Matt that Dylan was arrested for trespassing on the Marchette estate. Kelly stares at her blankly and says, "Marchette is dead" and Gina's like, "Duh" and snarkishly asks her why she never passed along this information to Dylan. Good question. I'm also wondering why this is the first viewers are hearing of Marchette's dramatic suicide, considering it must have occurred around the middle of Season 6. Kelly lamely says she thought Dylan knew, then gets all defensive about how anything related to Toni was always "off limits". Gina turns back to Matt and starts to tell him about Dylan's heroin use, but then pauses - and when Kelly stares at her expectantly and goes, "What? Spit it out!" Gina snappishly retorts that this really has nothing to do with her, so could she kindly get the hell out so she can talk to Dylan's lawyer in private? After Kelly poutishly slinks out of the office, Gina tells Matt that when Dylan was arrested, the cops found a bag o' heroin in his possession...and Matt refrains from moaning, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck." Judge Mary watches a portion of Steve's The Art of the Pick-up videotape and looks less than impressed - unlike Steve, who mugs for the camera like the clown the writers have been slowly transforming him into and tells viewers it's available for just $29.95. Judge Mary barks at the bailiff to hit the stop button, then admonishes Steve for using her reality show to peddle his shitty wares. Janet has become so mortified by the absurdity of this storyline that she tries to sneak out of the courtroom - but is stopped by the judge and ordered to answer a few questions. She's forced to admit that her role (as a girl swooning over Steve's pick-up lines) in the video was entirely scripted. A few minutes later, David comes to the rescue as Steve's "star witness" and testifies that he was able to successfully hit on a girl using Steve's recommended "grandma approach". Jail. Matt solemnly tells Dylan he could be looking at serious prison time...and Dylan, who's hunched over in a ready-to-vomit position, dismissively says, "Make it go away" and asks if pleading guilty would help matters. Matt cautions him against doing that, since he might not be able to make bail. He informs him that the arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow morning, but Dylan says there's no way can he make it through another night being locked up. Matt promises to do his best to get him out on bail asap, but makes it clear that he needs to go straight to rehab. As he gathers up his papers and heads out, Gina enters the room and hugs Dylan...and as they're hugging, he whispers to her where he has his heroin stash hidden, then begs her to smuggle it to him. She shoots him a WTF? glare and refuses to do it, and he scrunches his face in misery and wails, "I won't make it in here!" then doubles over as if he's about to hurl. What a pathetic, slouchy mess he is. Gina sticks to her guns (for the moment, anyway) and firmly repeats, "I can't." Steve makes his closing remarks to Judge Mary, which include a soliloquy about the sad, lonely world they live in and that his only crime was trying to pass along his nonexistent wisdom about women in order to improve the lives of lonely young men. Judge Mary wryly says she's ready to make her judgement, then rules in favor of the plaintiffs. Haha! Noah suggests to Donna that they romp in her parents' bedroom - but she doesn't like that idea, 'cause of how completely gross that would be on every level. She also doesn't want to have sex in her childhood bedroom 'cause she doesn't want to subject her teddy bear to the horror of watching her bump uglies. She says it would be OK to get busy in the hallway, and Noah is totes down with that...but when he presses her against the wall for a some smoochy foreplay, he inadvertently sets off the burglar alarm. Beach house. Kelly tells Matt that Dylan never really got closure after Toni's death 'cause he left L.A. the day after her funeral, blah blah. Incidentally, I wonder what ever happened to the tiny black kitty named Trouble he took with him that day. Matt informs her that if all goes well, Dylan will be out on bail tomorrow...and she visibly perks up at that news and asks for all the deets. Matt looks perturbed by her obvious enthusiasm for Dylan's impending freedom and clams up...so she assures him that nothing is going on between her and the Slouchster and adds that she's not sure whaddup with their budding romance. Matt just shrugs and says he thinks it's going great...but when she reminds him that he introduced her to his client as a "friend", he decides to finally put an end to the ambiguous status of their hookup. He heads out to the patio and shouts to whoever has the misfortune of being within hearing range, "Kelly Taylor is my girlfriend!" Kelly giggles and gives him a happy smooch...and, nope, still no chemistry there. A police officer warns Donna that this is the fourth false alarm the Martin residence has set off this month and urges her to be more careful. A few seconds after the cops leave, Noah offers to take Donna to dinner, then opens the front door, accidentally setting off the alarm again. Womp womp! Dylan calls Gina from jail to tell her that his arraignment is at 10am tomorrow...and that he's in desperate need of some smack to take the edge off. He fake promises he'll go to rehab as soon as he makes bail, then throws her a bone by cooing about how great they could be together. A guard barks at Dylan that his time on the pay phone is up, and Dylan lays a guilt trip on Gina about how he hopes he didn't waste his only phone call. Gina refrains from calling him out for his manipulative bullcack and just stares contemplatively into space. Donna and Noah are skinny dipping and smooching in the Martin's pool when Kelly arrives with groceries for the barbecue. She chats with them for a few minutes before noticing the lack of bathing suits, and asks, "Are you naked?!" When Donna blushingly nods, Kelly hightails it in the house to unpack the groceries. When Dylan is released on bail he asks Matt where Gina is, and Matt's like, "Dunno" and says their first stop on the sobriety tour will be a barbecue at Casa Martin. After that, it's off to rehab he goes. Again. Dylan scoffs at the notion of getting a handle on his drug problems and dickishly says if he wants to get high, no one's gonna stop him. Matt rolls his eyes and says he's nothing more than a weak addict, and that he shouldn't think of himself to be "a special case" just 'cause he's rich. Hee! You go, Matt. He also makes it clear that if he ends up in jail for something else in the near future, he can find himself another lawyer. Dylan finally looks suitably contrite and agrees to go with him to the barbecue. Kelly and Donna are putting out the food when Dylan and Matt arrive. Dylan mumblingly asks where the nearest bathroom is...and when Donna points at the pool house, he mopishly slouches off towards it. Kelly remarks on how terrible he looks - just as Steve struts over and brags about his awesome appearance on Judge Mary. Despite losing the case, he's thrilled he was able to squeeze in some free advertising for his new Art of the Pick-up video. At some point, Steve is going to need to be put down. When Gina enters the kitchen, Kelly asks her if she's going to fill her in on the Dylan Situation...and Gina mulls that over for a few seconds and snaps, "No." LOL. The rest of the gang, meanwhile, settles into the living room to watch the Steve episode of Judge Mary. Dylan staggers out of the pool house and spots Gina standing near the pool. She tells him she went by his apartment as ordered and retrieved his heroin stash...and he's like, "Woo hoo!" and violently searches her pockets during an obligatory hug. When he roughly rips the small bag o' heroin out of her pants pocket, she glares at him in disgust and snaps, "I really hate you." Gertrude arrives for the barbecue and ambles into the living room where everyone's watching Judge Mary...and by scripted coincidence, she happens to catch the part where David is testifying about how he used "the grandma approach" to successfully pick up a girl at a bar. When David notices her standing there and sees the appalled look on her face, he assures her he likes her a lot and begs her to give him another chance, but she refuses and storms out of the house. Oh well. I guess that's that. Dylan runs past the pool as he chases after Gina, who haughtily informs Donna that she's leaving. In his drugged out haze, Dylan stumbles over his feet and flails his arm about, accidentally striking Donna. This causes her to fall backwards, smack her ginormous head on the concrete deck, and land in the pool. Dylan collapses onto a lounger, too zonked to realize what he's just done. Fortunately (well...for Donna), Steve and David emerge from the house, notice Donna's lifeless body floating face down in the pool, and leap into the water to fish her out. They bark at Dylan to call 911, but by this time he's barely conscious. Janet comes outside to see what all the commotion is about, then runs back in the house to call 911...and when Noah gets wind of what just happened, he races over to where Donna's laying, checks her pulse, and starts administering CPR. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
Beverly Hills, 90210 homepageRecapper: Isabel K. French
Your contributions help keep the site ad-free
|
Television of Yore
Snide recaps of television's most entertaining classics recapper@televisionofyore.com |
|