Recap: Kelly and Matt are at the Peach Pit, on a double date with Donna and Noah, who are feeding each other ice cream and sucking face to an obliviously nauseating degree. Kelly stares at Matt with an icked out expression and urges him to get the check right now. As Matt's off doing that, a woman named Jeannine approaches Noah with a proposal to buy the Peach Pit/After Dark building so she can open a second restaurant in Beverly Hills. She hands him her card, and Donna and Kelly cluck their disapproval at Noah for even entertaining the idea of selling the Pit, since it would entail throwing Nat out on his arse...and they cluck as if nine long seasons with that obnoxious busybody hasn't been more than enough torture for the viewers who were already sick of his ugly mug back in Season 1.
After Dark. David urges Claudia to go with him to a movie 'cause apparently she has a screen credit in it for doing the makeup. She tells him she can't be late for her night job, mopping up the After Dark, but David promises he'll pitch in and help her out with the cleaning. Matt, meanwhile, tells Kelly he's not quite ready to go home with her 'cause his breakup with Lauren is still too fresh. But he expects to fully come around by the time the end credits start rolling.
Now Wear This. Kelly informs Donna that she's hired a PR consultant named Pia Swanson to promote the boutique. Donna scrunches her big face in irritation and tells Kelly she wishes she'd talked to her about it first, but Kelly says she was busy working on the fall line, which she didn't consult her about. Well, OK...but I think we can safely assume that Donna's "fall line" will feature an array of spaghetti string sack style dresses fashioned out of orange and black fabric. Pia arrives for their meeting and confidently tells the two she can put their boutique "on the map".
The Beverly Beat. Steve gabbles to Janet how super excited he is about St. Patrick's Day, 'cause it'll give him an excuse to scam their readership about a leprechaun and fake pot o' gold. He introduces her to Lou - a little person and the same actor who played Kramer's friend Mickey on Seinfeld - and giddily refers to him as The Leprechaun of Beverly Hills. Steve plans to run a story that will fake promise a pot o' gold to anyone who's able to capture the leprechaun. This harebrained scheme sounds so insulting and so wrong on so many levels, I just can't even.
Gina rushes over to Casa David after being summoned by Dylan, 'cause she can't seem to cut the cord with the moody slouchster and find someone who might actually care about her as a person. He asks her if she'd like to drive up the coast with him and go for a hike, and she reminds him that she has a job, as most people in the world do...and that it's necessary for people to work in order to have self respect. That's a bit funny, coming from someone who so gleefully celebrated scamming her aunt for $60,000 just one episode ago. She tells Dylan she has appointments with three more clients and will be done at around 5pm, then bitchily urges him to find some direction in his aimless, low energy life.
After Dark. Noah is meeting with a bank guy, who irritably tells him he's behind on his mortgage payments. Noah explains that the club business "runs hot and cold, and now it's cold", but the bank guy doesn't appear to give much of a rat's ass about the profit fluctuations of the nightclub business and says they're probably going to have to foreclose on him.
Matt is meeting with an engaged couple, both of whom are savvy brokers. They want him to draw up a pre-nup in order to protect themselves financially if the marriage turns sour. Matt cautions them against embarking on such an unromantic endeavor, which pretty much sums up what a shitty, misinformed hack of a lawyer he is.
Beach house. Kelly, for some inane reason, confides in Gina about how bummed she is that Donna doesn't approve of her hiring Pia. Gina snidely wonders if Donna's mad 'cause it was her idea, then suggests that maybe Donna doesn't like her being too involved in the business end of things. Donna returns home and tells Kelly she doesn't think they should hire Pia 'cause the store is doing pretty well the way it is. Kelly says "doing pretty well" is not rewarding enough for her, and that she feels like her only contribution to the business is cashing out the register at the end of the day. Donna says she worries that Pia could raise customers' expectations and promise more than they can deliver...and Kelly bitchily points out that since she runs the business side of things, she's making the executive decision to hire Pia. After she flounces off to her room to set up a meeting with Pia, Gina tells Donna that Kelly obviously doesn't appreciate her work if she's going ahead and hiring a consultant without her consent. Later that evening, Donna and Kelly get together to compare notes on the opposing opinions Gina has just expressed separately to each of them, and decide that they should never again give her the opportunity to pit them against each other. Haha! Naturally, I'm just kidding about that last thing occurring.
David walks Claudia back to her apartment, and the two chat about the movie they just saw. He gushes about her screen credit for doing the makeup, and she thanks him for his cheesy, overly effusive support. After a satisfying smooch, she mournfully tells DAH-vid that she has to leave the U.S. because her visa has expired, and he's all, "Wha-a?" and stares sadly into space.
After Dark. Noah tells Jeannine that he would feel really really bad about selling the diner, but will do it if the price is right. Jeannine's like, "Woo hoo!" and orders a martini.
Steve and Janet are parked on a city street with Lou, who's decked out in a leprechaun costume and ready to toss around gold coin chocolates and then dash back into the car without getting nabbed. Janet clutches her camera and says she's ready to document this idiocy, while Lou grumbles that he's not getting paid nearly enough to humiliate himself this badly in public. Steve offers him $200 extra, so Lou puts on his leprechaun hat and exits the car.
The Peach Pit. Noah asks Nat for advice on how he prefers to deliver bad news, and Nat says he favors the direct approach. Noah's like, "OK then" and blurts out that his lease at the Pit is up, and that he has an offer for double what he's getting now...and he's decided to take it. Nat stares back at him with a look of bewildered misery.
Pier. Claudia tells David that in order to stay in the country, she needs to find a job for which she is "uniquely qualified", and that seems like kind of a long shot. She tells him she's going to miss him and gives him a smooch...but David perks up as if he's suddenly had a brilliant idea. He tells her to meet him back at his place while he runs off half-cocked to try something.
Beach house. Pia comes over to meet with Kelly, and somehow Gina is able to insinuate herself into the meeting without Kelly telling her to take a hike 'cause this ain't any of her business. When Pia remarks that Donna isn't present, Kelly fibs and tells her that Donna's A-OK with whatever they decide. Pia says they're going to need a gala opening...and when Kelly says the store already had an opening, Pia accurately guesses that the guests consisted mainly of friends and family. The gala opening she wants to organize will be hyped in all the trades, and that they'll pay a bunch of hot celebs to attend. Kelly frowns and says she doesn't think Donna would go for that, and Gina advises her to just not tell her.
Dylan slouches into Noah's office at the After Dark, demanding to know what the hell he's doing, selling Nat "Sacred Cow" Bussichio out. Noah tells him it's a business decision, and Dylan accuses him of selling his hapless restauranteur friend to the highest bidder. He implores Noah not to do this, but Noah firmly retorts, "It's done." Hurray!
Matt tells Kelly about the couple he met with who want him to draw up a pre-nup. After mulling it over, he thinks it might possibly be a smart way to go - um, d'yuh - 'cause some people need a safety net. And protection of their financial assets. And an estate planning tool. And a means of avoiding costly litigation expenses in the future, should there ever be a divorce.
David returns home and tells Claudia he has great news: a movie producer, who's a big fan of his radio show (cut the shit, DAH-vid), might have a job for her and wants to meet with her this afternoon. Claudia gets all wigged out and says this doesn't give her enough time to prepare, but David assures her she'll do great, and that the movie producer fully understands her sitch.
Now Wear This. When Donna hears about the gala opening, she scrunches her big face and says they already had an opening and that she thinks it's a stoopid idea. Kelly snarks at her to respect the fact that it's her idea, then storms off. Noah asks whassup with her not wanting to do another opening, so Donna tells him the store is doing fine and that she doesn't want to risk what she has. He asks her, hypothetically speaking, what she'd do if the store was failing and Kelly was to blame...and Donna sanctimoniously says she'd do everything she could to save the friendship.
The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve that they got ridiculed in the Tribune as "hucksters", and Steve gets all jazzed by the free publicity for the Beat. Lou suddenly enters the newsroom, accompanied by a butcher named Todd, who claims he captured the leprechaun and now wants his pot o' gold. Steve's like, "Come on, dude, there's no such thing" and explains that it was just a promotional gag. Todd brandishes his long knife and says he's not leaving, so Janet unwraps the gold coins to show him that they're just candy. Lou starts bickering with Steve about what a stupid idea this whole thing was, and Todd snarls at them to shut up, then snaps, "I'm not an idiot." He says he's fully aware that there's no such thing as leprechauns and free pots o' gold...but insists that the Beat is still responsible for giving him a reward for finding and bringing Lou in. He then lets out a long sigh and explains that he needs the money to pay for his son's heart operation 'cause his fucktard of an insurance company doesn't cover preexisting conditions...and without the operation his son will die. As he talks about his son's dire situation, he gets choked up and puts down the long butcher's knife.
David brings Claudia to her job interview...but the movie producer pulls David aside and tells him that the job was given to the niece of the company's president. When a bummed David passes along the bad news to Claudia, she graciously thanks him for trying. David refuses to give up and tells her they'll figure something out.
Gala opening. Pia has organized a glitzy affair with photographers, celebrities, and various other hangers-on. Donna, who's wearing an unspeakable red bustier which scarily showcases her fake hooters in the most unflattering manner possible, excitedly tells Kelly she feels like she's at a movie premiere, then thanks her for all of her hard work. Pia comes over to gush at Donna about how much the celebrities love her designs - bwahaha! - and then she and Kelly exchange a conspiratorial smile.
The Beverly Beat. Janet gives Steve a kiss for the very moving editorial he wrote about Todd and everything he's going through with his sick child. Steve says he also laments the way he treated Lou and now regrets thinking of him as solely a little person instead of a person.
Gala opening. Gina indulges in her two-faced backstabbing schtick that somehow no one seems to be fully onto yet and asks Donna if she's OK with celebrities being paid to attend the party. Donna's all, "Wha-a? They're being paid?" then storms over to Kelly and asks her if it's true that these celebrities are being paid to be here. Kelly sheepishly tells her they are indeed, and Donna screeches that the event is a fraud. Kelly says it doesn't matter why the celebrities are here as long as they're creating a buzz over the store, and Donna says they can't earn respect by paying people to attend their opening, and accuses her of putting the business before their friendship. She then turns her rabid gaze to Pia and bellows, "Get out!! And take everyone with you!" and all the guests turn around and stare over at her in bewilderment. LOL. What a nutter.
After Dark. David grumbles to Dylan about how Claudia's visa has expired, and that she's going to have to leave the country soon. Dylan urges him to try harder to make something happen with that, otherwise he'll always regret it. He then slouches over to where Noah is sitting and tells him that the deal he cut to sell the Peach Pit has been "uncut", meaning he bought the mortgage for the Peach Pit/After Dark building. He snidely tells Noah he now owes him his mortgage payments...but that it's a moot point 'cause he's foreclosing on him.
The Beverly Beat. Janet and Steve arrive at the newsroom and are shocked to see the large pile of mail they've gotten overnight. When they open several of the cards and letters, they're stunned that each one contains a cash donation for Todd's son's heart operation. Steve chuckles and then joyfully exclaims, "It's a pot o' gold!" That it is, Steve. That it is.
Now Wear This. Pia drops by to gush about how successful last night's gala opening was, and that it was an even bigger smash hit than expected because of Donna's embarrassing outburst. Donna frowns and says that people aren't liking the store for the right reasons...and Kelly agrees and fires Pia. With that settled, Kelly and Donna agree to never ever fight like that again, and then hug it out. Kelly also agrees to let her know if she's ever unhappy with their business venture.
Matt tells the engaged couple that he won't draw up a pre-up for them 'cause he doesn't think they should be protected from each other. He urges them to "bet the farm" on their marriage, since there's never a guarantee against failure. Matt should maybe consider studying up a bit more on matrimonial law.
The Peach Pit. Noah tells Dylan he's going to need some extra time to come up with the past due mortgage payments, then whines about how his dad recently blew his head off and left his family with zero dollars. Nat interrupts the conversation to bitchily tell Noah that no way in hell is he serving him a mega-burger after selling him down the river - LOL - and Dylan tells him to stand down, then explains that he just bought the building and is going to be making all the decisions from now on. He barks at Noah to run the After Dark and at Nat to run the Peach Pit, and hopefully never the twain shall meet from this moment hence.
After Dark. Todd thanks Steve and Janet for all the donation money he received, and apparently it's more than enough to pay for his son's operation. David, meanwhile, is on the dance floor with Claudia, who gushes about how sweet he was to help her mop up the club the other night. He moans about how he'd do anything to help her stay in the U.S., so she's like, "Marry me, DAH-vid" and explains that she'd then be able to get a green card and stay put. David's like, "Sure, why the hell not?" and the two grin at each other stupidly and kiss.
Casa David. Dylan and Gina are enjoying a bubble bath together. She coos approvingly about him finally doing something constructive with his money by buying the Peach Pit/After Dark building, and he says he rather likes the idea of owning something. Gina sassily retorts that she thinks he likes the idea of being in charge...and the two start sucking face amid the many bubbles.
Beach house. Matt drops by to tell Kelly he's still scared of jumping into a relationship with her because of his feelings for Lauren...blah blah...but then says he really really loves her, and that he's hers if she's willing to settle for a medium functioning dullard lawyer such as himself. Kelly coquettishly asks, "What are you waiting for?" and he says, "I'm not" and pulls her close for a long smooch.
Nope, still no chemistry there.
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Recapper: Isabel K. French
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