Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 9, Episode 21

"It's just that you're so uppity all the damn time."

"I Wanna Reach Right Out And Grab Ya"
Original airdate: 4/14/1999

Episode summary: Donna is crushed when her parents announce that they're separating. While under hypnosis, Kelly indicates a preference for Dylan over Matt. Steve and Janet hang out with a child prodigy named Peter. 

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Recap: At the Peach Pit, Dylan and Matt are regaling Gina and Kelly with the story of how they spent last night in a pool hall and beat a couple of hustlers at their own game. Kelly chides Dylan for being a bad influence on Matt, and Dylan's like, "Whatever" and proposes that the four of them go on a double date to the pool hall tonight so that he and Matt can hustle the hustlers some more. Gina says she prolly can't make it 'cause Oksana Baiul is in town, and the two have pretend plans to hang at Oksana's swanky beach house. She brags about how she used to train with Oksana shortly before Oksana won Olympic gold in Lillehammer - and Kelly's all, "Phew!" 'cause she's totes not into the idea of going on a double date that includes Gina. David, meanwhile, runs into Shadoe Stevens at the counter. He introduces himself to the legendary radio host and gushes that he's the reason he got into radio [damn you, Shadoe]. Shadoe mumbles something about currently having a temporary gig in Riverside, and David's like, "Kewl!" and invites him to be interviewed on his After Dark radio show later. Kelly tells Dylan it's weird that he and Matt are suddenly such great buddies...and the two stare at each other hungrily even when Matt returns to the table after paying the check.

Casa Martin. Felice bitches at Papa Martin about the mini marshmallows in the fruit salad as Donna tries to ignore their bickering and gabbles about the latest at the boutique. Papa Martin snaps at Felice to just pick the damn marshmallows out if she doesn't want to eat them - right? - and Donna hands him a repayment of the loan he floated to her and Kelly to renovate Now Wear This. I wondered where all that money had come from. He beams and gushes about how proud of her he is for being such an accomplished business woman...and then he and Felice stare at her sadly and remark on how their little baby is all grown up. And speaking of her being all grown up, they have some bad news to break to her: they're separating. 

The Walsh house. As Donna bustles around Noah's room and organizes his clothes, she explains that this is what she does whenever she's deeply upset. She moans about how her parents have been married for twenty-five years and assumes that it was her uppity mother who drove her father away. I'd definitely leap right to that assumption too. She tells Noah about the time she caught Felice having an affair at the Bel Age Hotel, then decides she's going to interject herself in her parents' failing marriage, starting with a stern talking-to with Felice at the Peach Pit.
 
The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are meeting with Peter the child prodigy and his mom in preparation for a feature story about the kid in the next issue of the Beat. Steve expresses concern that Peter is so focused on academia that he's missing out on all the fun of childhood. He asks Peter if he's a Lakers fan, and Peter rolls his eyes with disdain and tells Janet, "I'm sorry you have to work with such a dullard." Heh.

Gina meets with Oksana's assistant, who tells her that Oksana will be in Montreal while she housesits her beach pad. I guess all that talk about them being training buddies was bullcack - shocker. She snippily gives Gina a rundown of the housesitting rules: no guests, no joyriding in Oksana's Mercedes, and remember to feed the expensive fish. 

After Dark. David is interviewing Shadoe Stevens on the air and is visibly disappointed in Shadoe's lacklustre performance as an interviewee.

Gina arrives at the pool hall, sees Kelly shooting stick, and proposes that she and Kelly team up against Dylan and Matt. Suddenly, the two hustlers from last night stagger over and confront Dylan and Matt, then demand a chance to win their money back. When one of the men gets overly surly, Dylan punches him in the face, which seemed like a strangely disproportionate reaction. As Dylan and Matt engage in their contrived rumble, Kelly and Gina hide together under the pool table.

After Dark. David's station manager, Rick, drops by to loudly chastise David for playing outdated songs and interviewing a boring has-been like Shadoe Stevens...and he says this right in front of Shadoe to ensure maximum humiliation. Douchebag.  

The Peach Pit. Felice tells Donna that Papa Martin has found himself an apartment, then haughtily declares that the only way she's giving up her country club membership is if someone pries it out of her cold, dead hands. Donna calls her out on her cunty selfishness, then throws her extramarital affair from the Things To Do on a Rainy Day episode in her face and says it was the first nail in the coffin that is the current state of her dysfunctional marriage. Felice looks taken aback by Donna's frankness and tells her that lately she's been in this marriage by herself 'cause Papa Martin refuses to talk to her about anything, and that he initiated the separation completely out of the blue. Donna sheepishly mumbles, "I didn't know" and Felice says she should be pointing her finger at her father, and then huffily gets up and leaves. 

The Beverly Beat. Peter's mom drops by the newsroom to deliver a personalized calendar made up of various photos of Peter, which was kind of a weird gift. She tells Steve and Janet that she loooooved the article they wrote about her son, and that it's led to a lot of press attention. She asks them what they know about the upcoming magic show at the After Dark, and Steve tells her they're friends with the people organizing it. When Peter's mom hints that Peter really loooooves magic, Janet offers to take the lad to the show.

Casa Martin. Donna and Noah arrive at the house just as Papa Martin is loading his stuff into his swanky new convertible. Donna makes a blech face at his mid-life-crisis car and tells him he should probably go get himself some counselling. Papa Martin's all, "Wha-a?" so Donna admonishes him for keeping her and Felice in the dark about why he wants a separation. He just stares helplessly at her, unable to offer a reasonable explanation for wanting the little time he has left to be free of a judgey, domineering woman like Felice.

Gina is ferrying Matt, Dylan, and Kelly around town in Oksana's Mercedes. She brags that she and Oksana are such good friends that Oksana always lets her borrow the car for as long as she wants. When the foursome arrives at the After Dark, Oksana's assistant, who somehow knew she could find Gina there, gets all in her face about forgetting to feed the $3,000 fish, which died of starvation. She orders Gina to return the Mercedes by morning, then loudly rails about how Gina is mediocre at skating, housesitting, and probably everything else she does...and Gina just mutely stares into space looking mortified.

Beach house. Donna sneakily arranges for the family priest to drop by her apartment at the same time she invites her parents over. Papa Martin gets angry when he realizes he's been ambushed...and after bickering with Felice for a few minutes, he chastises Donna for not respecting his privacy, and storms out. Smooth, Donna.

After Dark. Shortly before the magic show, Steve and Janet take Peter backstage to meet Dr. Van Fertle, the magician/hypnotist. He swings a watch in front of Peter's face and for some reason takes a disliking to the boy and mutters, "You're nothing but a dumb kid" and from the glazed look on Peter's face, it looks like that negative message is starting to seep inside his gifted brain. Elsewhere in the club, David apologizes to Shadoe Stevens for Rick's bitchy outburst the other day...then tells him he looked into his temporary Riverside gig and found out he was bullshitting. When he asks him whassup with his lying, as if anything that goes on in Shadoe's life is any of his business, Shadoe bitterly retorts that he's just a washed up radio DJ. 

Gina is mortified by being publicly rebuked by Oksana's assistant - but Kelly tells her to not let it ruin her night and urges her to stay for the magic show. Gina agrees and gamely goes over to the bar to help Matt with the drinks...and while they're doing that, Noah goes on stage and welcomes everyone to Magic Night. He introduces Dr. Van Fertle, who bumbles his way through his introductory schtick, and then asks for a volunteer. Kelly is selected, and she goes on stage and agrees to be hypnotized. Van Fertle swings his watch in front of her face and asks her to count backwards...then gets her to do embarrassing stuff like cluck like a chicken. He then tells her he's going to ask her a question to which she must give him an honest answer, then asks her who she'd most like to be stuck on a desert island with. Would a hypnotist really ask that? She chirps, "Dylan McKay" ... and Matt and Gina are all, "Wha-a?!" while Dylan slouches in his seat and grins smugly. The magician then counts backwards and tells Kelly she will remember nothing of what has just happened, and then - poof! - the spell is broken. Kelly goes back to the table, bemused by how upset everyone looks. When she asks whassup, Matt replies, "Nothing. You just told the truth" then angrily stalks off.

As Matt broods at the bar, Kelly rushes over and explains that she probably just named Dylan as her most desired desert island mate 'cause he was the last person she saw before going on stage. Gina rails at Dylan about how Kelly is 'a fake bitch'...and when Kelly rushes over to explain, Gina smacks her across the face and storms out of the club. She really does seem to enjoy smacking the people who displease her.

Peter is suddenly acting like a babbling little fool. As he eats a delicious looking sundae with Steve and Janet, he announces that he's tired of his stupid sundae and wants to go to Burger World. An alarmed Janet senses something amiss and asks him the square root of something, and he just stares back at her quizzically and goes, "What's a square root?" Janet tells Steve that the hypnotist must have broken his brain down to Steve's mental capacity - and Steve's like, "Woo hoo!" and then he and Peter simultaneously chant, "Burger World! Burger World!"

In the After Dark parking lot, Gina is enraged when she notices that Oksana's Mercedes has a flat tire. A man comes rushing over and asks her if she's OK, then sees the tire and offers to help her out with that in exchange for a drink. Gina nervously starts babbling gibberish...and while she's doing that, the man pulls out a knife, grabs her, and orders her to get into his car. Gina shrieks and manages to fight him off, then races back towards the After Dark and runs straight into Dylan's arms. When she tells him that a strange, knife wielding man just tried to abduct her, Dylan runs over toward her car but can't find a trace of him. Kelly, who exited the club with Dylan, looks skeptical about the alleged attacker, then comes right out and accuses Gina of lying about being attacked 'cause she likes the attention.

Noah and David take Shadoe Stevens backstage to look at Van Fertle's various magic accessories. David enters a large box to see if he can make himself disappear...then starts fake panicking and says he can't find the latch to let himself out. Noah fiddles with the box for a couple of seconds, then also fake panics and says he can't find the latch either! David urgently tells Shadoe he's going to have to rush back to the DJ booth to cover for him on the air, and Shadoe is all, "Egads!" and races to the booth to save the radio station from a dead air situation. Noah lets David out of the box via a back door...and then the two covertly watch Shadoe as he takes over for David, performing just as brilliantly as David predicted he would, once given the chance.

Donna whines to Kelly that her parents' separation is breaking her heart, wah wah. She then asks Kelly what happened at the magic show last night, and Kelly furrows her brows and says she has no memory of hypothetically choosing Dylan over Matt if she were ever stuck on a deserted island. Donna suggests that maybe it reflects how she really feels, and Kelly mulls that over as she stares contemplatively into space.

Noah interrupts Papa Martin's golf game to caution him against throwing his whole life away, the way his shitty parents did. Papa Martin explains that a friend of his recently died of a heart attack at the age of fifty-two, right here on the golf course...and that, plus his recent stroke, got him thinking about all the fun things he had planned to do during his retirement but hasn't yet gotten around to doing. He grumbles about how Felice has no interest in doing anything he enjoys, and that in general she's a prickly downer with an appalling lack of joie de vivre. Noah points out that he's never articulated any of this to her, and that maybe she'd want to do some of the stuff on his bucket list if she knew how important it was to him. Papa Martin mulls over that remote possibility as he stares contemplatively into space.

Beach house. Dylan drops by to hug a teary looking Gina and inform her that he just heard on the news that there's a man on the loose in Beverly Hills who's been forcing women into his car and assaulting them. He moans, "I almost lost you" and she glares at him through her tears and snaps, "You did" and shuts the door in his face. OK, so...are they broken up now? Still not broken up? I'm just never sure.

Janet and Steve take Peter to an arcade, since it appears as though his IQ is rapidly diminishing. But then - just when all hope is lost - Peter starts to spout mathematical theorems at another kid and begins to sound like his old self again. Steve scrunches his face in disappointment. 

Kelly drops by Matt's office with a brownie and calls it a peace offering. She apologizes for her under hypnosis faux pas last night - but he refuses to get upset, points out that they're not married, and that she should feel free to pursue a relationship with her slouchy ex if that's what she wants to do. He tells her he loves her, but that he's going to need some time to process her deeply rooted feelings for Dylan. A dejected looking Kelly heads toward the door, but then Matt decides he's had enough processing time, and pulls her towards him for a smooch. 

​Casa Martin. Donna and Noah are about to take Felice out to a movie - but she lowers herself on the staircase and has a tearful breakdown. She tearfully laments how quickly everything has gotten out of control and wonders aloud what she did wrong. Papa Martin enters the house at that moment and says she did nothing wrong, and that she's not responsible for his unhappiness. He sits next to her and admits that he could have made it easier for her to listen when he needed to talk about his mortality...then gives a shout-out to Noah for making him realize that his marriage is worth fighting for. If you say so, John.

The next morning, Gina is changing the flat tire in the After Dark parking lot when Kelly comes over to apologize for accusing her of lying about being attacked last night. Gina laments not having the glamorous life she figured she'd have by now, and Kelly advises her to let go of all of her disappointments. Gina bitchily asks her if she can promise to let go of Dylan, and Kelly firmly replies, "I promise" and saunters back to her car.

The Beverly Beat. Peter admits to Steve, Janet, and his mom that he was just faking being hypnotized. He explains that he doesn't want to disappoint anyone - but isn't ready to go off to college and would prefer to experience the kind of "kid fun" that Steve has introduced him to. His mom is totes agreeable to that and tells him that college can wait...and then Steve offers to take the brainy imp to Magic Mountain.

After Dark. Shadoe thanks David for the opportunity to jump back into DJing. A few seconds later, Rick drops by the DJ booth to compliment Shadoe for last night's performance, then says the station was immediately flooded with calls, gushing about how much they looooved listening to his raspy voice and amusing anecdotes. Rick offers Shadoe a permanent gig at the radio station, and explains that they're trying to broaden their audience base to include older listeners. Shadoe accepts the job, then thanks David for taking a nosy interest in his failing career.

Beach house. Dylan tells Gina he's tired of pissed off people, then gives her a half-hearted apology for whatever she's been mad about during much of the episode. Gina forgives him and pulls him close for a smoochfest...and as they canoodle, Kelly peers out the window and stares longingly at Dylan while he stares longingly at her over Gina's shoulder. 

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