Recap: A couple of mischievous young boys are in the kitchen of the Beverly Royale Hotel, pranking Dylan with a series of early wake-up calls. Dylan gruffly tells them he's an FBI agent, and they freak out and abruptly hang up the phone. Gina grumbles about the rascally kids repeatedly phoning his room in the wee hours of the morning - but Dylan doesn't seem all that peeved and turns the lights on and starts doing what I assume is homework for whatever CU courses he's taking. Gina turns on the TV and happily notices that Gone With the Wind has just started - but Dylan tells her he prefers the quiet while he's working and suggests she go watch the movie in her own room. Gina bitchily snaps, "You had time for sex" then storms out. A man in the hall tells Gina he sees her hanging in the hotel at all hours and assumes she's a hooker, then gets all grab-handsy and invites her to give him an impromptu audition to see if she has what it takes to be an exotic dancer in his club. Gina growls at him to get his hands off of her, just as Dylan appears and slams him against the wall...and when he asks Dylan if he's finished being serviced by her, he gets a punch in the face. Dylan orders him to apologize to the lady, but a sad looking Gina self-piteously whimpers, "Why? He makes me feel the same way you do" then steps into the elevator. OMFG. Someone please explain to me how these two could still possibly be a couple. Steve and Janet are at a swanky restaurant, waiting to meet with Janet's parents. Mama and Papa Sosna arrive and are shocked by the sight of Janet's pregnant belly...then get even more shocked when the two announce they're getting married. Papa Sosna tells Janet she's too young, while Mama Sosna reminds her daughter of all the things she wanted to do with her life. Janet insists that what she wants to do is marry the man she loves and bear his spawn - but Papa Sosna sternly tells her she's disgracing the family, and then he and wife storm out of the restaurant in an uppity huff. Robin must have gotten over her anger at David for dishing about their first date to his radio listeners, 'cause he's blathering to her about how there are two Davids: Radio David and Regular David...both of whom looked as though a can of black shoe polish was just slathered into his greasy, spiky hair. He's really become an unsightly mess. He suggests that next time she hears Radio David spewing sexist bullcack on the air, she should turn the radio off...and she's like, "Yep. Can do." When the two enter the Peach Pit, Nat and the 90210 menfolk are cackling over the t-shirts they're wearing, and each of them has a slogan that reads 'If you're going to play, you might as well score' under a graphic of David's face. Robin's all, "Wha-a?", then glares over at David. He sheepishly tells her that that's just Radio David stuff, but she refuses to buy into his split personalities nonsense and storms out of the diner. The Walsh house. Steve tells Matt and Noah that Janet's parents walked out on them at the restaurant last night...and that he has to endure a lunch with Rush later. Noah and Matt offer for one of them to move out (they don't specify who) so they'll have room in the house for a nursery, and Steve thanks them for being so considerate. After he leaves, Matt and Noah complain about being broke, but agree to come up with a fair way to determine which of them will move out of Casa Walsh. I think they should all move out of Casa Walsh so that Mama and Papa Walsh can sell the property and finally liquidate what is probably their most valuable asset. Now Wear This. Matt drops by to see Kelly, who's sorting through various decorations for Steve's and Janet's upcoming Engagement Party Luau. He tells her that since he and Noah want to make room for Baby Sosna-Sanders, he may have to move out of Casa Walsh soon. He suggests they move in together, but she just scrunches her face and doesn't look too enthused. In the next scene, Kelly tells Donna that Matt or Noah will soon be moving out of Casa Walsh, and Donna assumes that Noah will want to discuss it with her, sparking another tedious round of conversations about their living situation. Beverly Royale Hotel. Noah drops by to give Dylan his rent check...but holds onto it when Gina tells him he isn't home at the moment. He mumbles that he hopes Dylan doesn't mind that he's a bit short this month. The guy that Dylan punched appears in the hall, and Gina perks up and tells Noah she just got a terrific idea on how they could double their money and not share any of it with Dylan: turn the After Dark into a strip club after it closes to the regular public. Noah says that that sounds like trouble, yet intriguing...and Gina cackles and exclaims, "Yeah!" Restaurant. Rush tells Steve and Janet that shotgun weddings don't work, and Steve reminds him that no one is forcing either of them to get married and that he could really use his support. Rush assures him he has it - then, for some weird reason, makes a point of repeatedly acting like a racist fuckbag to the Asian waiter. Rush advises Steve and Janet to shack up and remain unmarried so they can "see how it goes", but Steve says they genuinely love each other...then irritably gets up from his seat and tells Janet they're outa here. Beverly Royale Hotel. Gina snarks at Dylan again for making her feel like a whore...blah blah...then don't continue to live in the hotel room he's subsidizing, idiot. A housekeeper named Maria drags over her two boys, aka the pranksters who were repeatedly placing wake-up calls to Dylan's room. Maria explains that because the local Community Center cancelled its after-school programs, she has to bring her kids to her workplace (at all hours of the night, apparently) where they've been getting themselves into mischief. Dylan sternly tells the boys he wants a word with them...then pulls them aside, points at the man he punched the night before, and orders them to give him wake-up calls every fifteen minutes, starting at 6:00am. The two boys giggle and agree. The Walsh house. Donna tells Steve and Janet how puzzled she is that Noah hasn't yet mentioned his imminent move out of the Walsh house...then wanders off to continue planning the engagement party. A few seconds later, Samantha's girlfriend, Karen, drops by and perkily announces that she's in town to represent Samantha at the engagement party. Janet suddenly clutches her stomach and shrieks, "Something's wrong!" and Donna rushes over to the nearest phone to call the doctor. Beverly Royale Hotel. Noah and Gina covertly discuss their plans for an After Dark After Hours Stripper-o-rama. They agree on a cover charge of $30 and decide that the dancers can pocket their tips. Noah says that the extra dough will be welcome right now, 'cause he's planning to move in with Donna and doesn't want to freeload off of her...at least not indefinitely. He asks Gina why she's content to freeload off of Dylan, and she grimly tells him that her mom spent all the money they "scammed" from Felice in the Bobbi Dearest episode. She vows to make it all back and then some, then cackles maniacally. Hospital. The doctor assures Janet that the baby is fine, and that she just had a panic attack from all the stress she's been under. Mama Sosna suddenly rushes into the room, explains that Donna called her, and declares that the most important thing right now is the wellbeing of the baby. David and Robin return to her apartment after their date. He thanks her for giving him another chance, and the two kiss. She says she feels weird about inviting him in, then points out that it's already their third date...which usually means it's time to hit the sack. David chuckles and says he's willing to forgo that dating rule, then invites her to go with him to Janet's and Steve's Engagement Party Luau so she can meet his friends. Robin beams and says she likes the sound of that. The Walsh house. Matt tells Kelly he saw a fabulous townhouse they could move into, but Kelly just shrugs and says she prefers living with Donna 'cause she doesn't want to have to worry about looking cute and well-coiffed all the time. Noah, meanwhile, tells Donna he won't be able to make the luau 'cause he's too swamped with all the stuff he has going on at the After Dark. She tells him it's OK to tell her about his housing situation, and is aware that he might have to move out of Casa Walsh soon. Noah says that that's his problem, and that he'll just get his own place. Donna scrunches her big face disappointedly. Beverly Royale Hotel. Gina is using the contacts in the address book she stole from Pia to hustle business for the After Dark After Hours Stripper-o-rama. She cackles at whoever she's talking to and says it'll make every other club in L.A. look like a church picnic. Dylan suddenly drops by...along with a hotel manservant who wheels in a projector, movie screen, and popcorn maker. They set up a reel with Gone With the Wind, and Gina squeals with delight at the uncharacteristically thoughtful gesture and gives Dylan a big smooch. Beach house. Mama and Papa Sosna drop by to tell Janet that if she moves back in with them, they'll cover her expenses and help take care of the baby. Steve irritably asks them where he fits into this scenario, and Papa Sosna glares at him hatefully and grunts, "You can visit." LOL. Janet says she's fine hanging here with Steve, but that she would appreciate their support. Papa Sosna says he's not fine with that and gives her an ultimatum: raise the baby with them, or alone with Steve. As he heads out with his wife, he bitchily urges Janet to think about what he said. Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan goes down to the kitchen to see whassup with the two brats who gave him eight wake-up calls. He might want to consider turning off the ringer while he sleeps. A tearful Maria tells him she just got fired for her kids' disruptive antics...and Hector concurs and says that the hotel is not a daycare. Dylan implores him to reconsider, but he shakes his head and says he has no choice. After Dark. Matt makes a pissy remark about Kelly preferring Donna to him as a roommate, so Kelly later explains to Donna that she told him she wasn't interested in moving in together. Donna tells her that Noah is getting his own place...and the two chuckle about their inability to commit, while a bonehead like Steve is about to get married and become a father. Beach house. As the Engagement Party Luau gets underway, Steve explains to Karen how uptight Janet's parents are, and that he'd prefer to introduce her as his adopted sister...and she agrees to play along. Cue Rush, who is shocked to learn about Samantha's sexual orientation and that her lover, who he has to pretend is his daughter, is in attendance at this party. He loudly blurts out, "No wife of mine was ever gay!" and everyone stares over at him in bewilderment. Donna, meanwhile, implores Dylan to relieve Noah once in awhile at the After Dark so he can attend things like this Engagement Party Luau - and an alarmed Gina tries to prevent any more talk of Noah's work schedule by spilling wine everywhere. When Janet's parents arrive, Steve carefully introduces Karen as his adopted sister. A few seconds later, a busty stripper arrives to provide the entertainment, and Rush explains to Steve that he booked her 'cause he mistakenly thought this was going to be a bachelor party. Er...OK, but it probably still wouldn't be appropriate for the father of the groom to be the one lining up strippers. The stripper spots David, makes a beeline over to him, and gushes about how much she looooves his radio show. She asks him to sign his autograph on her hooters, then asks him how much sex he's getting on his dates with Robin...and he stupidly replies, "Tons of sex!" Naturally, Robin overhears the entire exchange and angrily storms out...and I can't hope hard enough that this is the last we'll ever have to see of this tiresome, 'David sucks at dating' subplot. Rush tells Karen that Samantha was always going through phases, then loudly suggests they hit the sack to see how staunch of a lesbian she really is. Papa Sosna looks horrified at the thought of Rush wanting to have sex with his own daughter and announces he's leaving. Steve stops him and explains that his mom is gay and that Karen is her lover, not his adopted sister - but Papa Sosna doesn't care and rails about how his tabloid newspaper is garbage. He says he wants Janet to move back home asap, then admonishes her for throwing her life away. Gina returns to the hotel with Dylan, then goes into the bathroom to warn Noah that stupid Donna guilted Dylan for making him work so hard every night...and so he's about to head over to the After Dark. Noah, who's in the middle of auditioning strippers, says he needs another half hour and tells her to do whatever she can to delay him. Gina's like, "I'm on it!" and hurriedly strips off her clothes, exits the bathroom naked, and sexily entices Dylan over to the bedroom. May this scene finally put to rest any further talk of how much like a prostitute Dylan makes Gina feel. Beach house. Steve is bummed by how badly things went with Mama and Papa Sosna, and he tells Janet how much he hates that she's being forced to choose between them and her baby daddy. In a moment of self-reflection, he wonders aloud if maybe her parents have a point about his unsuitable boneheadedness. Perhaps they do, Steve. Perhaps they do. Dylan summons Hector to the Community Center, which has resumed its after-school programs after receiving an "anonymous" donation to do so. Dylan tells Hector he wants him to hire Maria back, now that she can offload her spawn in this public space. The guy who runs the Community Center observes Dylan as he interacts with Maria's boys, tells him he likes the cut of his jib, and says he could definitely use a guy like him around. Now Wear This. Noah and Matt have decided to flip a coin in order to determine which of them will move out of Casa Walsh. Donna pulls Noah aside and says they should discuss this, 'cause she suddenly has a renewed interest in moving in with him. Kelly, meanwhile, tells Matt that while she'd love to live with him, she doesn't want to make such a drastic life change just 'cause she's worried that she's getting left behind by all the committed couples around her. Matt pretends to understand her nonsensical logic, and the two exchange I love yous. As Noah tosses the coin in the air, Donna grabs it and announces that they'll be moving in together. Noah beams happily and promises that they'll celebrate this milestone soon...and by soon he means once the After Dark After Hours Stripper-o-rama starts turning a profit. Beach house. Steve and Janet invite Mama and Papa Sosna and Rush over to make it clear that they love each other, want to get married, and consider the baby an added bonus. Janet sternly tells her parents that they can either be happy for them and share in the joy of being grandparents, or sit miserably on the sidelines and wait for them to fail. Steve concurs and solemnly says that he and Janet now have their own family to think about. Beverly Royale Hotel. Gina and Dylan enjoy some post-coital afterglow and discuss his very generous "anonymous" donation to the Community Center. After that, she gets out of bed and pretends she's heading back to her own room. The After Dark After Hours Stripper-o-rama already looks like a promising money-maker. Noah complains to Gina that he feels like a pimp...then hands her $6,000 in cash: her cut of the earnings. She fans the bills and squeals happily. David drops by Robin's apartment - gaaaaaaaa!!! - 'cause she refuses to take his calls. She bitches at him for continuing to tell people that they've slept together, and he sheepishly apologizes for repeatedly lying...and explains that when he was in high school, he was a major dork who had to wait many long years until Donna finally allowed him to pop her sainted maidenhood. An unimpressed Robin tells him she's wary of his loose lips and doesn't know who he is. When he weakly says, "It's just me", she tells him she has no idea what that means, and shuts the door in his face. Haha! Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: The 90210 guys are telling Steve that of course Janet retroactively turned down his marriage proposal, then point out that he didn't present her with a diamond ring or even get down on one knee. Dylan says that as a man who was once married [for five whole minutes], he knows of what he speaks and insists that a ring and the correct posture is important to elicit a yes. Beach house. Donna and Kelly urge Janet to overlook Steve's flaws and marry him, but she refuses and says that she and her baby have no use for his ambivalence. Matt concurs and says that marriage is hard, and that both people have to be absolutely sure it's what they both want before jumping into the lifelong commitment. Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" and shoots him the stink-eye for not falling in line with hers and Donna's opinion. The Walsh house. Steve shows the menfolk the large diamond ring he bought for Janet...then glumly wonders aloud if he should even bother proposing again, given that she's already turned him down. The guys suggest he rehearse the proposal ad nauseam, and then we get a lot of superfluous footage of him practicing baring his soul. Beach house. Janet shows Kelly and Donna the giant to-do list of tasks and appointments she needs to complete before the baby is born: ultrasounds, Lamaze class, cobbling together a nursery, etc. She adds that while she loves Steve, the baby can't live with his indecision...and so her answer to his marriage proposal remains a firm no. Matt finds Kelly drinking coffee in the mall courtyard and leans over to kiss her, but she rebuffs his kiss and says she's still miffed at him for what he said to Janet about marriage. Cue Matt's new client, Judy, who storms over to bitch about how her estranged husband wants full custody of their children. Matt sends her upstairs to wait in his office for a moment, then explains to Kelly that Judy and her husband were married for seventeen years before things started to go sour. As for his remarks to Janet the other day, he was merely urging her to exercise caution before entering into marriage. Kelly sneers that that's hardly a ringing endorsement of marriage, so he patiently points out to the thick-headed dolt that marriage doesn't always end up lasting forever. Kelly stubbornly refuses to concede that a marriage, however foolishly rushed into, could fall apart ever, and continues to glare at him, all judgey-like...even though she herself expressed the exact same sentiment in Season 4, when Brenda got engaged to Stuart Carson after barely knowing him a couple of weeks: Kelly remarks that she always thought Donna would be the first of them to get engaged...and Donna says she always thought Kelly would be the first. Kelly shakes her head and says if there's one thing that Jackie's many failed marriages has taught her, it's that marriage is something that should never be entered into lightly. David arrives at Radio Station headquarters to meet with the station manager, Rick Miller. Rick tells David he's delighted by all the attention his sexist, self-indulgent rants have provoked lately, then chuckles and jokes that he should prolly avoid dating feminists, and boorishly adds, "Who would?" The receptionist, Robin, looks unimpressed with both idiots, so David hangs back to tell her she's gotten the wrong impression of him. He asks for her phone number so he can ask her out and prove he's not the misogynist schmuck he's pretending to be for his listeners, and she easily caves and writes her number down...which means we're now stuck with this boring dud of a stupid subplot. Beverly Royale Hotel. Janet drops by after being summoned to the hotel by Dylan. He wastes no time in guilting her about declining Steve's proposal and sanctimoniously declares that what she's doing is ass-backwards wrong. Janet irritably snaps, "I don't need this!" just as Gina breezes in from a day of shopping, plops herself onto the couch beside Janet, and waxes on about how nice it is to be "home". Dylan politely asks her to scram so that he can continue to admonish Janet for being selfish. An increasingly irked Janet argues that she's looking out for her child, and Dylan insists that Steve has stepped up to face his responsibilities and growls, "You have no right to do this!" Janet throws those same words back in his face, then storms out. Gina, who's been enjoying the spectacle from across the room, is chomping on mixed nuts and making stupid faces at Dylan. The Walsh house. Donna drops by to bring Noah a music demo from a band she thinks he should hire to perform at the After Dark. He invites her to stay awhile and listen to it with him, and she beams and trails after him into the living room. Beverly Royale Hotel. Gina is gabbling on the phone to her mother, telling her she moved into a hotel room with Dylan 'cause things got too cramped at the beach house. After the call, she canoodles an annoyed looking Dylan, who's typing something on his chunky '90s laptop. He tells her that while he's happy they're a couple again, they never actually discussed moving in together. She giggles and chirps, "It just kind of happened" so he comes right out and tells her that this hotel room is his place and he doesn't think it's big enough for two people. She's all, "Wha-a?" and contorts her face all pouty-like. The Walsh house. Steve is practicing his proposal when Janet drops by and knocks on his bedroom door. She angrily tells him to stop siccing his idiot friends on her...then reminds him that her pregnancy is a personal, private matter, and that she doesn't need the added pressure of being guilted by a slouchy deadbeat. Steve apologizes for Dylan waaaay overstepping his boundaries...and then she thrusts a copy of her packed schedule of doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, and Lamaze classes at him, and storms out. Steve angrily whips the diamond ring across the room, then stares despondently into space. Beverly Royale Hotel. Gina wakes Dylan and excitedly tells him she ordered a large breakfast of eggs, sausages, and coffee. She then waves the newspaper around and asks him to read the article about the millennium to her...and a vexed Dylan mumbles, "This isn't going to work." She poutishly accuses him of not trying, and he tells her he doesn't want to mess with their relationship or anything, but can't fucking stand how on top of each other they are in his little hotel room. Gina barks, "Go to hell!", then flops down beside him on the bed and puts a pillow over her face...and Dylan somehow resists the urge to use the pillow to smother her to death and then later claim it was an accident. After Dark. Noah auditions the band that Donna recommended, and gets angry when the lead singer tells him he's Wayne's cousin. It's odd that Donna wouldn't have told him to keep his lip zipped about his familial connection to her past fling. Mall. Dylan, Donna and Kelly are discussing Steve's rejected marriage proposal. The three put their heads together and wonder what they can do to make the engagement happen, despite it being absolutely none of their business. Across the courtyard, Judy's estranged husband storms over to where Judy and Matt are talking, and a heated argument quickly erupts. Dylan hastily slouches over and urges him to calm down...and the estranged husband complains that he's been accused of being volatile and a threat to his children. He sadly says he misses his boys, and Kelly remarks on how depressing this family's situation has become. After Dark. Gina grumbles to David about how selfish and spoiled men are. David argues that her problems are Dylan specific - but she disagrees and says that Dylan could be a great guy if only he weren't such a self-absorbed assbag 90% of the time. Noah, meanwhile, acts all cold and bitchy to Donna...and when she asks him whassup, he retorts by asking her if Wayne was the one who told her about his cousin's band. She meekly admits that he did, but insists that her only motive here was to help him draw more people into the club. David calls up Robin from the DJ booth, lets her know she's on the air, and asks her out. For some insane reason she says yes, and then everyone in the After Dark busts into applause. Later in the show, David complains about how women like jerks...such as "Doug", for instance, who stole his roommate's girlfriend, and then kicked her out of his hotel room when he got sick of her. A few seconds later, Dylan storms into the DJ booth and orders David to stop discussing his personal life on his dumb radio show. David smugly retorts that somehow all of his incessant griping about his shitty love life has boosted his popularity, then sarcastically adds that he (David) should be thanking him (Dylan) for helping make his radio show such an implausible success. As Dylan shoots him the stink-eye, Gina sits at the bar and stares sadly into space. The Beverly Beat. Dylan urges Steve to forget about Janet (though not the baby) as he slouches in a chair and browses the latest issue of the Beat for apartment listings for Gina. He points out that single dads are like chick magnets - just as Janet enters the newsroom. After Dylan wisely beats a hasty retreat, Janet starts nattering at Steve about how she thrives on order and hates chaos...and chaos is what her life is at the moment. She admonishes Steve for how much his "messiness" freaks her out despite how in love she is with him...then bursts into tears and says that she and the baby can't be "surprised" by him right now. A sad and befuddled looking Steve backs away from her slowly. Donna ambushes Noah outside his health club and apologizes for not being upfront about the band's connection to Wayne. She explains that she kept mum about it 'cause she knew it would hurt his feelings, then sadly says she wishes the whole contrived Wayne subplot had never happened. She admits how much it hurt her to watch him parade around with Cherise, and would like it if they both wiped the slate clean of their respective flings and moved forward with their dismal relationship...including, if necessary, endless conversations about whether or not they should move in together. Dylan and Gina are house hunting, but Gina's not into it. She grabs the newspaper from Dylan and tells him she doesn't need his help...and he mumbles about how now isn't the right time for them to live together. She snaps, "Maybe I'm just not the right girl!" ... and when he just stares mutely into space, she tells him to get lost and that she'd prefer to find a place by herself. David and Robin are out at the After Dark on their first date...and they discuss David's shittastic radio show, then hit the dance floor. Across the room, Kelly tells Matt she continues to disapprove of his attitude toward marriage, so he explains that between Lauren's schizophrenia and his parents' divorce, his view of the institution has gotten somewhat marred. Kelly moans about how much she hates it that he doesn't believe in happily ever after, and accuses him of just waiting around to be unhappy. The two then spot Matt's client, Judy, dancing with a man who's not her estranged husband...and Kelly gets so dismayed by the sight, despite it having absolutely nothing at all to do with her, that she declares she's going home and angrily flounces toward the exit. Beach house. Janet and Donna are assembling a baby crib when Kelly enters the room and complains about how annoying Matt is. Steve drops by to tell Janet that he thrives on his messiness, and reminds her that life isn't tidy. He says he doesn't want to know the baby's gender ahead of time 'cause he'd like to have that be a surprise in the delivery room...then suddenly tears up and says he can't wait to trip over kids' toys and clean up their child's messes. That remark causes Janet to start weeping. Gina is on the phone in Matt's office, glumly making an appointment to see an apartment in Reseda. A few seconds later, Matt enters the office with Judy, who announces that she and her estranged husband are talking about reconciling. Apparently, she panicked when they began to grow apart, but suddenly believes that their marriage will last forever after all. Fantastic. I'm sure Kelly will be happy to hear it. Hospital. Janet is having an ultrasound when a giddy looking Steve enters the room. He gabbles about how excited he is about the baby, then presents Janet with the diamond ring he purchased and proposes to her all proper-like. Janet tearfully says yes and calls the ring perfect. The obstetrician asks them if they'd like to know the gender of their baby - but Janet declines, grins at Steve, and says they need to have this surprise in their lives. After Dark. Robin calls David to wish him good luck with his radio show. Rick smarmily tells David he's going to have to dish to his listeners about everything that happened on their date, now that he's made his personal life into a public spectacle. Donna arrives at the club and is relieved that Noah is acting less hostile. He tells her he hates being reminded of Wayne, and she assures him that her fling with the dumb looking jock is over. David, meanwhile, gets inundated with callers who are itching to know if he scored with Robin...and when he tries to stay mum on the subject, they taunt him about "crashing and burning". Eventually, he throws in the towel on being a mature, discreet adult and blabs about everything he and Robin said and did. Beach house. Matt tells Kelly that she shouldn't have to expect unhappiness in a marriage, then explains again that Lauren's illness made him feel like he had to protect himself from the pain that losing a spouse brings about. He informs her that Judy and her husband are patching things up and that Steve and Janet are getting married after all...and Kelly squeals happily about how totes awesome it is to be surrounded by happily ever after, and gives Matt a smooch. What a big baby she was this entire episode. Robin leaves David a phone message, admonishing him for humiliating her on the air. She calls it "just plain cruel". Beverly Royale Hotel. Gina angrily tells Dylan she found a place in Reseda...and he tells her he doesn't want her to live in Reseda. He says he'd like her to continue living in the hotel, and she perks up and tells him she's thrilled he finally came around...then quickly deflates when he tells her he booked a room for her that's one floor below his and registered her as his wife. Gina poutishly says she'd much prefer to live in his room, 'cause living one floor down makes her feel like a concubine. It should also make her feel like a freeloader, since I'm sure that Dylan is covering the cost of this ridiculous living arrangement. Beach house. Steve is on the patio, painting the crib, when Janet comes outside to see what he's doing. She apologizes for pushing him away for much of the episode, and explains that she was frightened he was marrying her for all the wrong reasons and would eventually leave her. Steve assures her that he loves her and jokes that she's stuck with him. He then hands her a present, which is a framed photograph of their unborn spawn...and the two tearfully gush about how beautiful he or she is. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly and Donna are rushing around the beach apartment, busily planning the imminent re-opening of Now Wear This. Kelly tells Donna she just got off the phone with some buyers from New York, who are going to be in L.A. in two days to check out her new men's line...'cause yeah that's remotely plausible. Kelly says that their re-opening needs to be super successful, not least because the boutique hasn't been making any money ever since the grisly shooting of Rapist Joe last season. She tells Donna to hurry up and finish sewing the suits for the men's line and that she'll sort out the business end of things. Steve gives Dylan a ride to the CU campus so he can find out whassup with his application to be reinstated as a full time student. Steve gabbles at him about how are penguins are great fathers...while lions, not so much. Dylan implores him to bore Janet with animal comparisons to his impending fatherhood, then slouches into the admissions office. When he asks about his application status, he's told by a haughty clerk that he's being denied because of how lame, poorly written, and nonsensical his essay was. Haha! Now Wear This. Kelly has rehired Pia Swanson to help with the boutique's re-opening, and Pia suggests they kick off the party with a fashion show. Fun! When Kelly reminds her that the re-opening is only two days away, Pia pulls out her "players book" and says she always has a slew of A-list invitees at her fingertips. They decide to rent out the space across the courtyard for the fashion show...then divide up the various tasks, including hiring male models to strut the catwalk. The Beverly Beat. Steve enters the newsroom clutching a large stuffed penguin, then explains to Janet that it's "a daddy penguin". She tells him she's annoyed that he hasn't spoken to her in days, and then breezes in with a stuffed toy. Steve explains that it's a symbol of how ready he is to be a father, and Janet tears up and goes, "Really?" and he nods, replies, "Really" and the two hug. After Dark. David asks Donna to shriek into the microphone 'cause apparently he's gathering various sound effects for his awful 'I'm a sad sack radio DJ bent on spreading my unhappiness to every listener' radio show. Noah enters the booth to deliver something that just arrived for David...and when Donna asks him how he's doing, he sullenly replies, "Good." He congratulates her on the re-opening of the boutique, then smugly says he can't make it 'cause he and his new lover Cherise have plans to go to Napa Valley. After he exits the booth, Donna releases her frustration with the Noah/Cherise hookup by doing a very loud re-take of her shriek. Matt's office. Kelly drops by to bring Matt some lunch, then babbles enviously about how he's in charge of his own destiny - while she, on the other hand, is stressed out about the upcoming fashion show/boutique re-opening and is thinking seriously about quitting the 'Donna Martin originals' business altogether. When Gina enters the office and exchanges snarly insults with Kelly, Matt forces the two to declare a ceasefire and promise to be civil to each other for the sake of his sanity. Kelly snaps, "Fine!" and flounces out, and Gina stares over at Matt in incredulity and points out how un-civil that snappish fine was just now. Hospital. Janet is getting a checkup from her obstetrician, while Steve carefully studies a plastic model of a fetus. The doctor puts a mic on Janet's belly so they can listen to the baby's heartbeat and declares that the baby is perfectly healthy. This causes Steve to silently wig out and stare into space looking horrified. Beach house. Janet tells Donna and Kelly that she and Steve listened to their baby's heartbeat and that Steve was soooo excited. She gushes about what a fantastic father he's going to be. Over at Casa Walsh, Steve is wailing, "I'm going to be a horrible father!" and tells the 90210 guys about what a boneheaded, immature goofball he is...and says this as though anyone needs reminding. He implores them for some helpful tips or advice, but they tell him that within their tiny man-clique, he's a trailblazer in the area of parental responsibility. They suggest he call Rush to get his wisdom and input, but Steve declines 'cause he doesn't want Rush to think he's in over his head. Matt enters his office to grab a file, and Gina dutifully reports that Kelly left a phone message, asking him to call her asap 'cause she's thinking seriously of making a life-changing decision. He thanks her and tells her she can leave work early - but only if she goes to the boutique to help Donna and Kelly with their re-opening. Gina tells him he can't force them to be friends, and he's like, "Well duh" but urges her to try. Gina enters the boutique and announces that she's here to work, and Pia immediately puts her on envelop-stuffing duty. Kelly blurts out something that I guess sounded PR savvy, and Pia compliments her on thinking like a PR exec and asks her if she's ever considered making a career change...and Kelly looks visibly intrigued by the possibility. Pia fiddles with the twinkle lights, which are flickering on and off because of some ongoing electrical problems...and this detail will be important to us later. As Kelly and Pia head out, Pia turns to Gina, calls her "Gidget" - LOL - and tells her to make sure that Christian Sutton's invitation to the re-opening is on the top of the pile. She needlessly explains that he's a critic at The Chronicle who can "make or break" them, so it's super important that he attend the event. Gina absorbs this tidbit, no doubt thinking of the best way to ensure that his invitation somehow gets lost in the mail. Donna arrives at the boutique, wheeling in the rack of her men's line clothes. She makes a blech face when she sees Gina, and Gina hastily explains that Matt is paying her to help out with their re-opening. She then dishes to Donna that Kelly is thinking about quitting the store and going into PR, and Donna scrunches her ginormous face and looks gravely concerned. Kelly stops by the After Dark to pick up wine glasses for the party, and then is motioned over to the DJ booth by David. The two somehow get on the topic of Dylan, and Kelly tells him that Dylan's application to CU was rejected. David's like, "Oooh shocker" and sneers about how big a self-entitled screwup Dylan is. Suddenly, the two look over towards the doorway, where - ack! - Dylan is standing, glaring at David. Kelly orders David to apologize for his bitchitude, but David refuses...and then Dylan slouches up to his office, where he glumly stares at the CU course catalog. Cherise shows Noah a map of the route she wants to take for their Napa road trip and tells him she's very excited about their romantic getaway. Donna confronts Kelly about wanting to quit the boutique, and Kelly says she hasn't decided what fickle life's dream she wants to pursue next, and that right now they need to focus all of their energy on the store's fashion show and re-opening. Restaurant. Janet and Steve are out for dinner...and a few feet away from their table is a crying baby. Janet says that normally she'd be bugged by all the mewling, but now all she can think about is the preciousness of the child. Steve remarks that the non-stop crying is very loud, then stares into space with a troubled expression on his face. Gina finishes stuffing envelopes and hands the box of ready-to-mail party invitations to the delivery guy. At the last minute, she decides that she can't help herself from causing needless drama and grabs the invitation addressed to Christian Sutton. She tells the delivery guy she'll deliver this one herself...and by deliver this one herself, she means she's going to set fire to it then throw it into the nearby trash can, where a bunch of flammable cans were tossed earlier. The trash can quickly ignites, and within seconds the flames spread to the rack of men's wear that Donna had wheeled in earlier. Gina's all, "Ack!" and grabs the fire extinguisher and sprays it at the fire to prevent a store-wide blaze...but it's clear that the clothes are beyond salvaging. Kelly and Donna enter the boutique a few seconds later and gasp in horror at the charred mess. Gina fibs and says that the flickering twinkle lights sparked the fire, then breathes a sigh of faux relief and says, "Thank God I was here! You could have lost the store." The Walsh house. Matt tells Noah about the boutique fire and that he's going to do the right thing and help the ladies with their cleanup. Cherise, meanwhile, arrives ready to hit the road for Napa - but Noah tells her they're going to have to put a pin in that for the moment 'cause the boutique had a code red emergency and he wants to help out. Upstairs, Janet is struggling to fit into her clothes. She answers a phone call from Rush and tells him that Steve, who's sitting zombie-like on the bed, isn't home at the moment. When she hangs up, she asks Steve if Rush is happy about being a grandfather, and Steve says he hasn't told him yet...then admits that he's still wigged out about the crying baby in the restaurant and is getting increasingly scared that he's not ready for fatherhood. Janet chides him for saying that out loud, and says it makes her worry that he's going to disappear on her. He half-heartedly promises he won't, and she sternly tells him he needs to be totally on board with becoming her baby daddy. California University. Dylan returns to the admissions office and hands in his rewritten essay. When the clerk snarkishly informs him that he missed the deadline and classes are at full capacity, Dylan urges him to bend the rules...'cause, well, he's Dylan. The unimpressed clerk refuses and tells him to go pee up a rope. Now Wear This. Pia declares the burned clothes a non-disaster, and Donna perks up when the 90210 gang arrives with yards of fabric and several sewing machines. Gina, meanwhile, spots the half-burned invitation addressed to Christian Sutton on the floor and surreptitiously hides it under her shirt. Matt pulls her aside and says he finds her story about the twinkle lights sparking such a large fire to be a giant load of bullcack, then asks what she has under her shirt. She sheepishly pulls out the invitation and tells him the fire was an accident...and when she explains to Matt who Christian Sutton is, he orders her to find the critic and do everything possible to ensure that he attends the fashion show and after-party. Dylan slouches over to where David and Janet are looking over the set-up for the fashion show. He grumbles at David about how right he was about him being a self-entitled screwup, then dramatically tosses his essay into the trash can and says that re-applying to CU was a waste of time. As he slouches out, an intrigued David fishes the essay out of the trash and read it over. Just like, I'm sure, Dylan fervently hoped he would. Donna tells the gang they have seven hours to cobble together all the outfits in time for the fashion show. When she asks how many of them know how to sew, they all just stare back at her blankly. We then get a montage of Donna teaching each of them how to work with a pattern, cut the fabric into pieces, and sew them together in order to assemble a perfect recreation of her men's line. Gina arrives at Christian Sutton's house, but he's not interested in whatever she's selling and shuts the door in her face. Twice. Haha! She tricks him by bribing a Girl Guide who pretends to sell cookies, then leaps at him from out of nowhere and implores him to attend Donna Martin's upcoming fashion show. Naturally, he grins and says he wouldn't miss it. The gang finishes sewing all the outfits in the nick of time, and naturally the garments look professionally sewn, pressed, and - no doubt - are perfectly tailored to whoever will be modelling them. Pia informs everyone that the limo with the male models for the show is stuff in traffic, and then David brings added pressure to the tense moment when he announces that the guests are staring to arrive. Just as hope for a successful fashion show begins to fade, Noah suddenly brightens and says he has an idea that might just be crazy enough to work, then organizes an impromptu huddle with the 90210 guys. Christian Sutton arrives at the mall just as the fashion show is getting underway. In the absence of professional models, the 90210 men have stepped in and are strutting down the runway in the Donna Martin originals. Backstage, an annoyed Cherise tells Noah she's throwing in the towel on their budding romance 'cause it's obvious he's still in love with Donna...and who could blame him for still having feelings for the sweetest, most stunningly beautiful cherub the world has ever seen? Steve, meanwhile, apologizes to Janet for expressing his doubts about fatherhood and tells her they should get married. She's all, "Wuh? Are you sure?" ... and he says he is, so she lets out a happy woot and gives him a smooch. Beach house. The next morning, Kelly and Donna concur that the fashion show went amaaaazing. Janet excitedly announces that Steve proposed to her last night, and Donna and Kelly hug her and look happy for their boneheaded friend and his new fiancee. California University. David enters the admissions office to foist Dylan's essay on the beleaguered admissions clerk. He urges the clerk to not shortchange someone who deserves a chance...then babbles about the saintliness of Dylan's character, which he demonstrated years ago when he (David) was working too many shifts for the campus radio, which left him too little time for school. David claims that Dylan brought him books from the library every day and hovered over him until he got his work done. Nope, don't recall anything like that ever happening. In fact, the most that Dylan ever did for David during the university years was scare him straight from drugs by flushing them down the toilet in the Scared Very Straight episode. David tells the clerk that since Dylan is the one who needs help now, he's going to stick by him. He assures the clerk that his new essay is awesome...and that he should read it, be moved to tears, and welcome Dylan as CU's best and brightest addition to the student body. After David leaves, the clerk picks up the essay and stares at it contemplatively. Now Wear This. Christian Sutton wrote up a positive review of the fashion show for The Chronicle, and Kelly happily pays Pia for her services. Pia tells her that if she changes her mind about wanting a new and exciting career in PR to call her 'cause they currently have an opening...and Kelly thanks her, but says she's decided she's happy at the boutique after all. Pia glances around and remarks that she can't seem to find her address book of Hollywood players, then assumes that she must have left it in the car. Pia sees Gina sitting in the courtyard and smarmily thanks "Gidget" for her help. After she sashays out of the mall, Gina pulls Pia's missing address book out of her purse and smiles evilly to herself. The Walsh house. Janet tells Steve she's suddenly decided to turn down his proposal 'cause she thinks he's only doing it out of obligation. Steve insists he's no longer wigged out or confused about fatherhood, but she firmly tells him her answer is no. The Peach Pit. Donna is sitting at the counter, looking bummed 'cause apparently the New York buyers weren't interested in her new men's line. Noah spots her from his table and ambles over to report that he and Cherise broke up, then asks her if she'd like some company. She smiles and says yeah, and the two stare longingly at each other. Ugh. Casa David. Dylan drops by to tell David that - shock of all shocks - the admissions clerk from CU called to tell him he's been accepted, due to a pesky yet persuasive kid who intervened on his behalf. David reads his essay back to him, and it's a surprising self-reflection of what a thorough dickwad he is, and has always scraped by in life without giving a rat's ass about anything...but is finally out of options. He snarkishly challenges his slouchy frenemy to demonstrate that he's ready to not be such a douchetard anymore and to start acting like a contributing member of society. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: David is in his DJ booth, whining to listeners about his boring birthday plans despite probably none of them giving a rat's ass. Janet is at the bar and orders mineral water...and instead of twigging onto what that beverage choice could imply, the 90210 guys are lewdly checking out her abnormally ample cleavage. When she ambles away, Steve tells the guys he's pretty sure she just got a boob job, and is miffed that she didn't give him the 411 about it. Noah, meanwhile, flirts with Cherise - which makes Donna pout from across the room, but then she concedes to Kelly that she did sort of cheat on him. Matt asks Kelly to dance, and the two hit the dance floor and stiffly jig. She tells him she's not ready to spend the night together and needs him to give her some space...and by some space, she means she doesn't want him actually touching her until she figures out how to feel safe again. Casa David. Dylan delivers a check for his share of the utilities, but when David sees that it's for $1,000, he rips it up and angrily accuses Dylan of always trying to buy his way out of the messes he creates. Dylan points out that when he (David) walked in on Gina riding his baloney pony, she didn't exactly have a gun to her head...and that essentially all that happened was him getting back together with his girlfriend. His what now? I thought the consensus from the fairly recent Bobbi Dearest episode was that, in addition to being too individually toxic to couple up (like, in general), Dylan outright admitted to not giving a fuck about Gina as a person, a sentiment that resulted in her feelings of shamefulness: Gina drops by to hang with Dylan, and he starts rambling about how numb he's been feeling inside lately, and that he couldn't give a rat's ass about anything or anyone. [Well...except for Kelly, and his late wife of five minutes.] Gina gives him a sad nod and bitterly states, "Present company excluded, right?" and Dylan says they both know this is nothing more than a meaningless hook-up...and not something he's particularly proud of. Gina says she's not particularly proud of herself for knowing all this and continuing to stick around, then gets up and stalks out. Kelly calls David to dictate his birthday plans: she will pick him up in the early evening and and take him to Mel's and Jackie's condo, where they will enjoy a family dinner. David rolls his eyes and mumbles, "Can't wait" as Dylan writes him another $1,000 check, then slouches out of the apartment. After the call, Kelly chuckles to Donna, Steve, and Janet that David thinks he's spending his birthday having a boring family dinner, when in fact the 90210 gang has planned a very special surprise at the After Dark that involves showcasing a photo display of his dorkish teenage years. Janet excuses herself and rushes off to the spare bedroom...and once she's out of earshot, Steve asks Donna and Kelly if they have any idea whether or not she's planning to dump him. Kelly keeps mum, while Donna says she thinks they're perfect together. Kelly later slips into Janet's room to warn her that Steve knows something is up. Janet's like, "Yeah whatever" and excitedly tells her she just felt the baby move, and Kelly points out that this is the sort of thing she needs to be sharing with Steve. Donna enters the room and implores Janet to please not dump Steve, and Janet blurts out that she's pregnant...and also worried that Steve isn't up to the task of being a parent. Donna half-heartedly says he probably, maybe, could be up to it, and then she and Kelly invite her to move into the beach house permanently now that they finally had the good sense to kick Gina out. Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan is slouching to his room when he encounters a stoned young girl who's in the process of being arrested. We learn that her name is Lucy Wilson and that she and Dylan lived in this hotel when they were kids. She tells Dylan she's being arrested for drug possession, so he says he'll arrange for a lawyer to meet her at the police station. Gina emerges from the room to see what all the commotion is about, and Dylan mutters, "It's a filler subplot - I mean a drug bust." Picnic. Janet assures Steve that she still wants to be with him, then mournfully adds, "There's no going back now." Steve lets that odd remark blow by 'cause he's so distracted by her large hooters, and tells her how in the mood he is to get an unfettered gander at them in the sack. Janet gets enraged at his childish behavior, snaps, "Forget it!" and storms away. The Walsh house. Donna drops by to apologize to Noah again for hooking up with Wayne - but he just snarks at her about how incredulous he is that she hit the sheets with a guy she barely knows, then wails, "I thought we were happy!" I guess he keeps forgetting that he dumped her before she got it on with Wayne. He shuts the door in her face, and I can only hope (in vain) that this is her last infidelity apology. Matt's office. Dylan gives Matt the skinny on Lucy Wilson and tells him how the poor girl practically raised herself while being forced [by negligent parents who somehow couldn't bring themselves to rent or buy a suitable home] to live in a hotel. Matt informs him that the police caught her in possession of meth and pot, and that it's possible they're going to make an example out of her. Beach house. Janet is in the process of moving in when Gina comes over to return her keys. She makes a snarky remark at Janet for replacing her in the beach house so quickly, then says she's going to grab the rest of her stuff. After she huffily exits the apartment, Donna asks Kelly and Janet if she should exclude Gina from David's birthday party, and Kelly says she's being way too nice to even contemplate inviting the devious tart. Donna mulls that over, quickly concurs, and throws Gina's party invitation in the trash. Dylan has bailed Lucy out of jail and is urging her to turn her life around and attend college - but she makes a blech face and tells him she has no interest in that. The two reminisce about old times from when they lived in the hotel as kids, and she tells him she's always admired his brooding, slouchy manner. After Dark. Donna tells Noah about David's upcoming surprise party, but Noah snappishly tells her he already heard all about it from Kelly. She apologizes for her infidelity again (&^%$!!), but he says that her sorrys don't mean anything and stalks off. Over in the DJ booth, David bitches about the evils of rebound sex while glaring over at Gina, then mercifully puts a song on. Gina enters the booth to call him out for publicly airing his personal grievances to disinterested radio listeners...then points out that she made it perfectly clear to him that she only wanted him as a friend, and accuses him of pretending he was OK with that when really he was hoping to get something sex-related in return. She concludes that he's actually more fake and dishonest than she is. Beach house. Kelly and Matt have just finished a sumptuous dinner on the patio. Kelly tells him about the rape survivors therapy group she's been going to, but doesn't think it's helping. Matt says he wants to better understand her post-trauma feelings, so she tells him it's kind of like when his apartment in Brooklyn was robbed and how he experienced feelings of shitty vulnerability afterwards. The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are working late when Janet blurts out, "I'm pregnant!" Steve looks completely wigged out, but then hugs her and assures her that somehow they'll manage through this life-altering experience. Janet gets all teary and says she knows he doesn't want to be a baby daddy at this stage of his life...then admits that she's known about the pregnancy for three months. Steve is all, "Wha-a?!" and angrily accuses her of deliberately trapping him...and says this as though he's the kind of man a woman would actually aspire to entrap herself with. Beverly Royale Hotel. Steve is venting about Janet's pregnancy to the 90210 guys. Dylan tells him he can't just abandon Janet and his child, and David snarkishly advises Steve to stay out of the kid's life if he's not interested in being a parent, then turns to Dylan and snarks that he doesn't know what he's talking about and should just shut up. After he storms off, Noah reminds Dylan about David's surprise birthday party and says he booked a singer named Christina Aguilera. After everyone leaves, Gina emerges from the other room, having eavesdropped on the entire conversation, and asks Dylan whassup with him - but not her - being invited to attend David's birthday party. Dylan points out that he's known David for ten years, which I guess somehow trumps the fact that David now hates him. Gina shrugs and pretends she has no interest in going. Matt takes Kelly to a therapy group that's geared toward helping people recover from trauma. The extremely perky group leader makes the participants pass oranges to each other using just their necks. Very groundbreaking stuff. Kelly tries to pass her orange to Matt, but when she involuntarily cringes at his touch, the orange falls to the floor. The Beverly Beat. Janet explains to an irked Steve that she was scared when she learned she was pregnant, and contemplated whether or not she should have the baby. Steve says she should have told him months ago so they could have discussed all of the available options together. Fair point. And damn you, Janet, for making me side with a bonehead like Steve. After the seminar, Matt wants to try the passing-of-the-orange exercise again...and this time Kelly manages to do it. She tells him that ever since the assault, being touched anywhere near her neck creeps her out...but that some light, arm-over-the-shoulder cuddling makes her feel secure. The two sit down on a bench, and Matt indulges her with some unobtrusive cuddling. Beverly Royale Hotel. Matt manages to get all the charges dropped against Lucy, so Dylan invites Lucy to the hotel restaurant to celebrate. He lectures her about quitting heroin and applying to college - but Lucy gets all defensive and snarks about how he's the pot calling the kettle black. He tells her he regularly attends Narcotics Anonymous meetings and is welcome to go with him, so then she points out that he used to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but is now drinking beer. Yeah...I've been meaning to ask: whaddup with Dylan suddenly drinking beer and champagne since his Season 9 return? Dylan mumbles, "I can handle it", which is probably a strange message to be sending a drug-addicted person you're trying to convince should get clean. Gina plots to derail David's birthday party by calling him up and pretending she needs his help changing a flat tire. She says she's close to his apartment and is very skeered by the creepy darkness...and David agrees to help her out. Dylan delivers a CU course catalogue to Lucy, and she promises to take a look at it later. Casa David. Kelly comes by to pick up David for his "birthday dinner", and is confused when he's not there. She tries calling him on his cell - but Gina answers with a strange sounding hello? and promptly hangs up on her. When David asks her who called him, she fibs and says it was a wrong number. After Dark. Donna asks Kelly whassup with her arriving at the party sans David, so Kelly tells her she just got a phone message from David, telling her that he's fixing Gina's flat tire. As they grimace knowingly at each other, Steve sheepishly informs them that Gina must have overheard them talking about the party at the hotel and then hatched a sinister plot to ruin David's birthday evening for everyone. Gina thanks David for changing her tire, then offers to buy him dinner. When he declines, she begs him to go out with her for one drink...and after some annoying hemming and hawing about what a giant sucker he is to come running whenever she calls, he agrees to have one drink with her. After Dark. Christina Aguilera is performing Genie in a Bottle while the 90210 gang wonders where the birthday boy could be. Kelly declares the party "a disaster", then slow dances with Matt. Donna stares at them with longing sadness etched across her big face. Gina and David finally arrive at the After Dark. She calls him "the nicest guy I know" then tells him she'll meet him inside the club after she parks the car. He gives her an intense smooch for several seconds...and when their lips unlock she looks completely shocked by how pleasurable it was. David swaggers toward the club, and is baffled when Gina drives by him. When he enters the After Dark, the gang yells, "Surprise!" and asks him to make a few birthday remarks. David looks moved by all the trouble they went to, then gabbles about how the core 90210 cast mates have made every move together since Season 1, and that even though he's not dining with Mel, Jackie, and Erin, he's with family tonight. After that, we get a lot of superfluous footage of Christina Aguilera performing - which, I have to say, I quite enjoyed. Janet follows Steve into the men's room and gabbles about how everything is about to change. She denies planning the pregnancy, but that she wants to proceed with it nonetheless. She tells him she would fully understand if he didn't want to be a part of the child's life and that it's truly his choice. Lucy drops by Dylan's hotel room looking green around the gills from heroin withdrawal. She asks him if he would drive her to an out-of-town rehab center in the morning, and he says he'd be happy to, but that she should stay in his room for the night in order to avoid any drug-related temptations. The Walsh house. Matt finds Steve shooting hoops late at night. He asks him what he's going to do about Janet, and he mutters, "I dunno", then stares anxiously up at the night sky. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: The sound of bullets being fired prompts Matt to race down to the boutique, where a small crowd of gawkers has gathered. He asks Kelly what just happened, and she tells him that the cretin who raped her came into the store and threatened her with a knife, so she reacted by pumping him full of lead. Matt stares over at Rapist Joe, who appears to be very dead...and we hear the sound of approaching police sirens. A few seconds later, several cops burst into the store and order Matt and Kelly to lay face down on the floor. Kelly tries to explain that the deceased is the shitbag who raped her, and Matt adds that the shitbag rapist was his client. Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" as the cops handcuff them and march them out of the boutique. Beach house. Wayne happily reminds Donna that he gave up his volleyball career to be with her, and she looks sheepish that he made such a big life decision for her, but then lets out a contented hmm giggle. She says she's concerned he's going to expect a lot from her in return, and makes it clear that she's not ready to jump into another intense relationship - but he assures her that he's all about being casual and having fun. Donna looks relieved and lets out another hmm giggle and gives him a smooch...but her happy bubble suddenly bursts when Matt calls to inform her of the shooting. After Dark. Noah is revenge flirting with a pretty waitress named Cherise when Donna calls to try to tell him about the Kelly shooting. He snarls at her, refuses to listen to anything she has to say, and hangs up on her. He then doubles down on his revenge flirting with Cherise and asks her if she has plans tonight. Casa David. Gina assures Dylan that she and David were only ever platonic friends, but Dylan points out that David might not see it that way. Donna calls Dylan to inform him of the shooting and asks him to meet up with her and the rest of the 90210 gang at the police station. He's all, "Whoa" then hangs up and quickly informs Gina about what's going on, and invites her accompany him...'cause, yeah, that won't be a source of friction for any of the other cast mates. Police station. Kelly isn't holding up very well while being grilled by police. Out in the hallway, Dylan arrives with Gina, which of course raises David's ire, and he Dylan start shoving each other like unruly children. Inside the interrogation room, the cop tells Kelly that the gun she used to allegedly defend herself was unregistered and stolen - which is a felony - and Matt urges Kelly to exercise her right to remain silent. The gang is getting restless...and when a reporter shows up to get a statement, Dylan grunts, "No comment" and David grabs her microphone and throws it on the floor. Gina announces that she's going to the vending area to get some coffee, and the reporter perks up and follows her. Matt tells the cops that Rapist Joe was his client, and that he had sent him to Kelly's boutique to buy something for his girlfriend. I wonder who on earth this girlfriend is, and if she has any idea that she was dating a crackhead rapist. Matt tells the gang that Kelly is holding up reasonably well, and that the police will soon decide whether or not they're going to file criminal charges against her. He urges them to go home and promises to update them with any new information...then pulls Dylan aside and asks him if he knows where Kelly got the gun. Dylan admits that he bought it for her out of the trunk of some hoodlum's car, and that he should send the cops his way if they want further details. Matt warns him that he could go to jail for buying a stolen gun, but Dylan indignantly points out that Kelly, and not Rapist Joe, is the victim here. Matt somehow manages to refrain from sarcastically retorting, "Ooooh right. Thanks for setting me straight, assbag." After Dark. Donna is sitting at a table with Steve and Janet, moaning about how guilty she feels about leaving the store early last night. She then looks over at Noah, who's revenge kissing Cherise, and goes over to him to ask him if they can speak privately. She informs him about what happened with Kelly last night, and that it was the news she was trying to tell him when he so rudely hung up on her. He looks sheepish and asks her if Kelly is OK, and Donna tells him that, sadly, she is not. Casa David. Dylan apologizes to David for doinking Gina, then shrugs helplessly and says, "It just happened." David pissily says he wants him to feel very very bad about it, orders him to leave Gina alone, and to move out of his apartment pronto. Dylan says he'll be in a hotel room by tonight. Police station. The police have decided to not file murder charges against Kelly, but warn her that she could still be charged with illegal possession of a firearm (though not really, since the writers soon lose interest in that too). Kelly gets all snarky about being handcuffed and grilled in the interrogation room, then snarks at Matt for defending a shitbag like Rapist Joe. Donna asks one of the cops if he intends to clean up the boutique after the grisly shooting that just took place there, and he gives her a funny look and is like, "Uh, no" and says the most he's willing to do is give her a referral to people who do do that type of clean up work. The Beverly Beat. Janet is grumbling about the tabloid nature of the Beat, but Steve points out that it's a welcome distraction from all the tragic things that happen in life. Janet gets a call and asks Steve if she can have a little privacy, then starts railing about how she wants a partition, blah blah. Steve announces that he's off to the Peach Pit so she can have her private phone chat, and when Janet takes the call we learn that it's with someone at The Chronicle and that she's interviewing for a job tomorrow. Now Wear This. Donna, Matt, and David are cleaning up the broken glass and the unsightly stain that was made by Rapist Joe's bloody corpse. Noah arrives after being summoned by Donna, but says he can't stay long 'cause he's meeting Cherise for lunch. Donna tells him she's freaking out about the shooting and needs someone to talk to...but Noah says he can't be that guy for her anymore, mumbles, "Sorry about your store", and shuffles off. It remains unclear why Noah continues to even be on the show anymore - but at least he's stopped repeatedly asking Donna to move in with him. The Peach Pit. Nat assures Kelly that she did the right thing by taking Rapist Joe down, but still she continues to wring her hands about taking a human life, even if it was a vile sewer rat like Rapist Joe. A random extra comes over to ask Kelly if she's the shooter from last night, then gushes about how a chick defending herself is soooo cool. Beach house. David is hanging with Donna and Kelly when Steve drops by. Janet calls the beach house to tell Steve she loves him, and he gets all discombobulated about her bitchy 'tude one minute, and I love yous the next. He then turns on the TV, and the local news is airing a segment on the boutique shooting. There's footage of first responders wheeling Rapist Joe's body out of the boutique, and then an impromptu interview that Gina gave to the reporter who had followed her to the vending area. Gina tells the reporter how faux aghast she is at being roommates with a gun-toting loon - LOL - and Donna irritably orders David to shut the TV off. A few seconds later, Gina enters the beach house, bemused by the hostile way in which everyone is staring at her. Steve comes out and says they just saw her on TV, and David reminds her that they had all agreed they weren't going to talk to the media. Kelly wearily announces she's going to bed and goes to her room, and Donna pulls Gina aside and decrees, "I want you out of here." Gina giggles and tells Donna she's just jealous she was on TV, but Donna says she's serious, and that she wants her to pack her bags and move out asap. She smugly adds, "And take your skates with you." Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan chats it up with Hector, the hotel manager, 'cause apparently the two are old friends from when Dylan lived in the hotel as a young boy. Who the hell lives in a hotel?? Are there really no suitable apartments or houses to rent in all of Beverly Hills? As the two reminisce about old times, Gina enters the room and is wowed by the grandeur of the fabulous suite. After Hector leaves, she rubs up against Dylan with her scarily lithe body, enticing him to indulge in a mid-afternoon doink. He weakly protests and tells her he has to go meet Donna, but she continues tonguing him until he succumbs. Police station. The cop in charge of the shooting tells Matt that the DA is getting pressure to file gun charges against Kelly, then barks, "She broke the law!" Matt chides him for wanting to punish an innocent person and tells him he would like like it very much if he bent the rules in Kelly's favor. He implores the cop to resolve the 'Kelly Shoots her Rapist' storyline asap so that the writers can focus their full attention on some fresh new drudgery now that we're fully into Season 10 (aka, the light at the end of my recapping tunnel). The cop stares silently into space as he mulls that over. Now Wear This. Donna informs Dylan that she kicked Gina out of the beach house and isn't sorry about it in the least. She warns him that her cousin is evil to the core - just as Kelly arrives at the store, looking impressed with all the cleanup the 90210 gang has done. The Beverly Beat. Steve gets a call from The Chronicle to provide a recommendation for Janet. He processes that for a couple of seconds, then tells the caller that the paper would be lucky to get her...and then hangs up. Um, usually reference calls from prospective employers last longer than six seconds, but OK. Janet sheepishly tells Steve she's been thinking about applying to another news outlet for a long time, then apologizes and says she should have given him a heads up. She tells him she's been sooooo confused lately, and he snaps, "Me too" and stalks off. Farmer's market. Donna runs into Wayne on her way back to her car after grocery shopping. He invites her to go with him for a drive up the coast, but she declines and tells him that her best friend is going through hell right now. He's like, "Ugh. Major downer" so she invites him to come along to the beach with the 90210 gang in an effort to take Kelly's mind off of her troubles. Wayne declines and says he prefers for everything to be about fun all the time, then suggests that once she's done cheering Kelly up, she should come over to his pad. Donna finally looks suitably appalled by the vapidness of the mimbo she's been flinging with, tells him that Kelly needs her, and that their hookup was a gigantic mistake. She gets into her car and speeds away. After Dark. Gina drops by the DJ booth to apologize to David for going to bed with Dylan in his house...but David just coldly mutters that he has to get back to work. Gina exits the booth and notices Donna staring at Noah and Cherise canoodling, and bitchily remarks on how pretty Cherise is. Ouch. David goes on the air to bitch about all the women who don't like 'the nice guy', then calls all the nice guy listeners out there losers. I wonder why Rick, the station manager, doesn't ever rebuke David for using the radio station as a forum to unleash his bitchy frustrations about the pathetic state of his love life. Just put on a song, David. Or, if you must talk, stick to benign chit-chat. Beach house. Matt tells Kelly that the DA has decided against filing gun charges against her, and she thanks him for all of his help. He suggests they go on a long vacation together, and she purrs about how nice that sounds. Beverly Royale Hotel. Dylan tells Gina he's going to hang at the beach with Kelly and the rest of the 90210 gang. He half-heartedly invites her along, but she correctly assumes that her presence wouldn't be welcome by anyone. He tells her he found out that she got evicted from the beach house and asks her why she didn't mention it to him, and she says she didn't want him to feel obligated to ask her to move into his hotel room. After a quick smooch, he reminds her that Donna and Kelly are his friends, and urges her to do her best to get along with them...and she pretends to be interested in attempting that. The Walsh house. Janet apologizes to Steve for being so moody lately, then tells him she didn't get the job at The Chronicle. Steve tells her she's a great reporter and deserves a great job. She then tells him she's not sure if their relationship is working, and Steve stares at her in befuddlement. Beach. Donna and David are laughing about how boneheaded Wayne turned out to be - yeah, shocker - just as Matt, Dylan, and Steve arrive with food and drinks. Donna tells them that Kelly said she would meet them here. The Peach Pit. Kelly enters the diner and finds Janet seated at the counter. She wails to Kelly about how pathetic she, her job, her and Steve's storylines are...then blurts out, "I'm pregnant." She says she's four months along, is happy about having a baby, but hasn't told Steve 'cause she keeps sizing him up to determine how large a bonehead he really is and whether or not it's actually possible that he would be a good dad. Kelly says, "He'll be fine", which didn't really come across as much of an endorsement. Beach. The gang is about to give up waiting on Kelly, and they decide to pack up and go searching for her. But wait! A few seconds later, Kelly arrives for the beach outing and gives everyone a hug. Janet is eating ice cream and reading What To Expect When You're Expecting. Beach. Everyone is gabbling and laughing around a campfire. Kelly privately tells Steve that she talked to Janet today, says she's confident that things will work out for the two of them, and predicts that this will be a great year for him. When they return to where the rest of the gang is sitting, Kelly tells them she'd like it if they stayed a bit longer, then stares dreamily at the beautiful sunset and adds, "I want to stay like this as long as we can." Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Gina is being wheeled into the Emergency Room on a gurney, and she's bitching at the paramedics about how she's perfectly capable of walking and needs to return to the skating rink asap so she can perform at the audition. David reminds her that she just collapsed and looked pretty dead while she was unconscious...and when she lashes out at him in her usual snarly way, he tells her he's just trying to help. Now Wear This. A female customer tries on one of the skimpier Donna Martin originals and asks Kelly how it looks on her, and Kelly contorts her face all judgey-like and tells her it looks great if she's trying to "put that message out there". Donna takes offence to the insult Kelly just lobbed at her skankwear and reminds her that rape is a crime of violence - not sex - and that it's irrelevant what a woman is wearing when she's assaulted. She urges Kelly to tell Matt what happened and points out that he's not going to understand it when she won't want to canoodle, smooch, or go to bed with him. Kelly mumbles that she's going to take a solitary walk along the beach...and just as she exits the store, ominous music tinkles in the background as Rapist Joe dashes upstairs for a client-attorney meeting with Matt. Eeeeeek! Rapist Joe tells Matt he wants to sue the police department for the beating he was begging for - I mean received when he was being arrested under false pretences. He claims to suffer from terrible headaches ever since, then shoots Matt one of his obnoxious shit eating grins that makes me want to throw darts at his face. Casa David. Gina informs David of the doctor's diagnosis: years of upchucking has caused her to have an electrolyte imbalance. She's pretty damn lucky that's all she's suffering from, considering the horrible damage that bulimia can do to the human body. She then admits she has full blown bulimia, and that it started during adolescence when she desperately tried to keep her blossoming figure scarily trim so she could remain competitive in figure skating. She says she's never told anyone about her eating disorder, and David thanks her for confiding in him. Dylan is in the sketchy 'hood, stapling a bunch of signs offering a $100,000 reward for information that will result in the arrest and conviction of Kelly's rapist. A homeless woman reads one of the signs and tells Dylan she heard a girl screaming that night, but didn't actually see the assailant. OK, not helpful. Nearby, a twenty-something man reads one of Dylan's signs, looks intrigued, and rips it down. The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve they got a positive mention in one of the mainstream newspapers, and that some clueless reporter referred to their writing as good and crisp. Janet somehow concludes that this must mean they finally have a valid profession, and credits Steve for striking the perfect balance between salacious garbage and...well, I dunno, 'cause I've been starting to tune out whenever Janet and Steve are the only two people on camera. Matt follows Kelly while she's on her solitary beach walk, and she snarls at him to go away. He refuses to be rebuffed and says that nothing will keep from continually pestering her until she finally spills the beans about what's been troubling her, so she blurts out, "I was raped." Matt's all, "Say wha-a?!", assures her that it changes nothing about his feelings for her, then urges her to tell him everything. Now Wear This. Noah drops by and asks Donna where she was last night, and she evasively tells him she was busy and that, nope, she's still not remotely interested in moving in with him. Noah gets all pissy, says their relationship can't move forward if she continues to refuse to live under the same roof as him, then barks, "We're through!" Yippee! Hallelujah! Woot woot! After Dark. Matt drops by the office to tell Dylan that Kelly finally told him about the attack...and that it happened while she was on her way to persuade him to not fall back into his heroin snorting addiction. He says he can't help but be bugged that Kelly told him (Dylan) about the assault before she got around to telling him (Matt) - and Dylan gets out of having to answer for that when he gets a call from the guy who was looking at Dylan's reward sign earlier. He claims to know the man who was bragging about committing the rape and tells Dylan he can ID him. Casa David. Gina makes sandwiches for herself and David...and David asks her if he should worry about her purging the meal afterwards. Gina breezily promises not to do that, then explains that she became bulimic 'cause she's never felt good enough, pretty enough...or, with respect to Dylan, blonde enough. She tells him she always knew Dylan wanted to be with someone else, and David nods solemnly and says, "Dylan hurts people." Gina concurs, but at least has enough self awareness to admit that she too has been hurting herself by allowing herself to be in such a toxic relationship. Beach house. Kelly is all dressed up for an evening out with Matt, and is waiting for him to pick her up. She tells Donna she told him about the rape, and that he handled it very well. The phone rings...and Donna asks Kelly to not answer so she can screen the call, and the two listen as Wayne leaves Donna a message, asking her out to dinner. Donna then tells Kelly that she and Noah finally broke up, and Kelly nods distractedly while she stares down at the gun that's inside her purse. Casa David. Gina and David are having some good clean fun playing dominos when Dylan slouches in...and Gina lets out an anguished squeal and flees to David's room. ?? David smugly tells Dylan that Gina will be spending the night, then warns him to leave her alone. He saunters off to his room...and soon he and Gina are giggling while they chat. When Dylan slouches by to nosily peer inside, David bitchily shuts the door in his face. Haha! After Dark. Kelly is giving Matt shit about his latest client, who she ironically calls "a violent criminal" after learning what he's been charged with. Steve and Janet arrive, and Janet is in a morose mood 'cause she suddenly re-remembered that she works for a shitty tabloid rag and says a dumb job like that should be a stepping stone, not something any self-respecting person would want to do permanently. Well duh. But yet here you still are, employed by Steve. Beach house. Donna and Wayne are enjoying a romantic dinner, and Wayne lights up when Donna tells him that she and Noah broke up. The two enjoy some more flirty banter before heading to her bedroom, where candles are lit everywhere. Yikes. A room filled with unattended burning candles seems like a major fire hazard. The two strip off their clothes, flop atop her bed, and start going at it. After Dark. Some random guy asks Kelly if she'd like to dance, and she declines, then gets bumped into by another guy while carrying her drink. She freaks out and shrieks, "He's the rapist!" but when the guy turns around and goes, "Huh?" she realizes he's not actually Rapist Joe. Matt rushes over and envelopes her in a comforting hug while the rest of the 90210 gang looks on confusedly. Casa David. Gina and David wake up spooning, and a shocked looking Gina says she hadn't intended to sleep with him in the same room all night. She asks him if she can stay over again tonight, and he happily tells her she can stay at his place for as long as she wishes. Beach house. Donna is making breakfast when Wayne enters the kitchen wearing an unbuttoned shirt and canoodles her from behind. He coos about how amaaaazing last night's doink was, then reminds her again that he's about to head off to Acapulco for the summer to compete in a volleyball tournament. When Donna contorts her ginormous lips in a poutish frown, he says she's welcome to join him - but she declines and says she can't leave her boutique, home, and friends. There's a knock on the patio door, and it's Noah, who has dropped by unannounced to apologize for his bitchy behavior yesterday. Donna starts acting all skittish, clearly worried that he's going to see Wayne inside the apartment in his unbuttoned shirt. She tells Noah they can talk about this later...or maybe go to lunch right now - but then Wayne suddenly pokes his head out the door and goes, "Hey Donna! Oops!" and Noah's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and gets enraged at her for cheating on him (though technically they were broken up), then storms off. As Donna stares out at the ocean and weeps, Wayne re-enters the apartment smiling smugly to himself. Bar. Dylan meets up with Sean, the guy who claimed he has information on Kelly's rapist. Dylan gives him $300 as a downpayment to start talking, so Sean smirkily tells him he heard the buy bragging about how hot the girl he attacked was. Dylan gets prickly and warns him not to disrespect his beloved Kelly. Beach house. Steve drops by to get Kelly's input on which cover story he should feature in the next issue of the Beat. She makes her selection and thanks him for helping get her mind off the assault by focusing on something as stupid and pointless as the next Beat cover. Bar. Sean tells Dylan that the rapist is in the alley outside, so Dylan exits the bar with him...but as soon as he's outside, he's jumped by Sean and another guy. The tables quickly turn on the hooligans, however, when Matt suddenly bursts into the alley and launches a well-coordinated counter-attack. After the asses of Sean and his friend have been adequately kicked, Dylan compliments his brilliant foresight in arranging for Matt to be his undercover back-up for this futile mission. The two then swagger off together, not looking as if they fully grasp that they just accomplished absolutely nothing. Beach house. Kelly is having a nightmare about the attack and wakes up screaming. Donna runs in, gives her a comforting hug...and Kelly mutters about how she wants her attacker to pay for what he did. Casa David. Dylan enters the kitchen while Gina is eating breakfast. She tells him she's not hanging out with David to hurt him, but rather 'cause she needs a friend and David excels in the let's just be friends department. She then asks him how he's doing, and he grumbles about how hard things suck right now. She concurs, and then the two stare at each other longingly. Nooooooo!!! After Dark. Donna apologizes to Noah for hooking up with Wayne, even though she shouldn't feel all that guilty considering that Noah had declared, "We're through!" prior to her hitting the sack with the dumb-faced jock. She tells Noah she loves him and wants to work through this, but he just sneers at her and says he's going to find a cute girl, take her home, and do the same thing she just did with Wayne. Donna cries, "Please don't do that!" but Noah just glares at her and snaps, "You did this" and storms out of the office. Now Wear This. Kelly assures Donna that Noah won't really go through with a one night stand just to hurt her, but Donna doesn't look so sure 'bout that...and I'm pretty confident that Noah is full-on dickish enough to doink another woman purely out of spite. Wayne appears outside the store and waves at Donna, so she ambles over to see what he wants. He hands her a bottle of Tequila and says he decided to leave Mexico, give up his career as a professional volleyball player, and get a job in L.A. selling mountain bikes. That's...kind of a drastic life decision to make for someone he's known only a few weeks, but OK. Casa David. David returns home clutching a bouquet of flowers for Gina. He calls out her name and pokes his head in various rooms looking for her...then - ack! - finds her in the sack with Dylan. He glares at the two of them in stunned bewilderment, then whips the flowers against the wall causing the poor petals to go flying in all directions, angrily kicks at furniture, then storms out of the apartment. Matt's office. Rapist Joe wraps up his meeting with Matt and mentions that he needs to buy his girlfriend something nice...and Matt decides it's a good idea to send this creep down to the boutique to do his shopping, and tells him to ask for Kelly. A few seconds later, Rapist Joe enters the store and goes, "Kelly..?" so Kelly turns around and is all, "Aaaaaack!" when she recognizes him and shrieks at him to get away from her. Rapist Joe's like, "You..?" then creepily puts a finger to his lips and urges her to shush, locks the door, and pulls out his knife. While he's doing that, Kelly runs to where her purse is laying and pulls out her gun, aims it straight at him, and fires until she's out of bullets. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: A dazed, freaked out looking Kelly ambles into the hospital and is escorted to an exam room by a nurse and a female police officer, who relentlessly peppers questions at her about the attack. Beach house. Dylan drops by and asks Gina if she's seen Kelly...then explains that he had summoned her to meet up with him a couple of hours ago, but she failed to show up or call. He's very worried and asks Gina to tell Kelly he's looking for her, but Gina just makes a sneering noise and tells him she gives so little of a rat's ass about Kelly's whereabouts that she's not going to do so much as pass along his message to her. She then snarks at him for being insensitive to her and shrieks, "Get out!!" Hospital. Kelly tells the police officer everything she can remember about the attack, then consents to a rape kit. The nurse hands her a card for the local rape crisis center and tells her that she too was once a victim of sexual assault. Beach house. Noah drops by to ask Donna for the gazillionth fucking time if she wants to move in together, and she pretends to mull it over even though she clearly has zero interest in living with him. He looks put out and says if she continues to say no, they should just call it quits. Sounds like an awesome plan. After Noah shuffles off dejectedly, Kelly arrives home. Donna seems oblivious to her traumatized state of mind and starts babbling about not wanting to move in with Noah - OMFG - then pauses to ask Kelly what happened to her lip, and Kelly mumbles that she slipped on one of Erin's toys. Donna asks her if she could cover for her at the boutique 'cause she's too overwrought by having the exact same "let's move in together" conversation with Noah in every episode lately, then chirps, "Thanks Kel!" without waiting for a reply. A discombobulated Kelly heads straight for the shower to hose herself off and weep uncontrollably. After Dark. Gina babbles to David about wanting to make a figure skating comeback, and tells him she's auditioning for some kind of tour group. The Beverly Beat. A reporter from The Chronicle drops by to ask about a photograph that Steve took of an ex-porn star getting out of a limo 'cause he wants to include it in The Chronicle's next "Best Photos of L.A." feature. That seems completely random, but OK. Now Wear This. Donna gabbles at Kelly about her tedious Noah/Wayne conundrum and that she can't choose which of the two morons she'd rather date. An ashen-faced Kelly complains that the boutique was such a madhouse that she threw all the customers out and closed up, then asks Donna to take over for awhile. She ambles into courtyard, where she runs into Dylan. He asks her why she bailed on him last night, then chides her for not being there to talk him out of leaping back onto the heroin snorting wagon. She tearfully tells him what happened to her last night, and Dylan's all, "Wuh?" and asks her if she's been to a doctor, the police, etc. She says she has, and he hugs her and promises to see her through this terrible crisis. Police station. Matt is assigned to defend Joe Patch, a suspect who has just been arrested for robbery...and when he turns around while being led away by police to give Matt a shit eating grin, we see that - eeeeek! - it's Kelly's rapist. Casa David. David arrives home and sees Dylan hug Kelly, then slouch over to the kitchen to boil a pot of tea. David asks Dylan if he's cool with him hooking up with Gina, but Dylan says he may want to wait on that for Gina's sake...and also 'cause he'll want to tap that again during the season finale. He brings Kelly a cup of tea and tells her he blames himself for asking her to meet him in a sketchy 'hood at such a late hour 'cause he can't get a handle on his stupid drug addiction. As well he should. Kelly shrugs and says it's no one's fault...then wryly adds, "That's what I'm being told anyway" and lays atop his bed and stares despondently into space. Skating rink. David is sitting in the bleachers, watching Gina's figure skating stunt double perform a breathtaking spin. David gushes about how awesome she looks out there, and she's like, "Right?!" and says she's super confident she's going to make the cut. David suggests they have dinner so she can give him a crash course on all things figure skating, and she teasingly asks him if he's asking her out on a date. David admits he is and that Dylan is totes cool with it (though not really), and Gina pretends to not be affected by that tidbit and assures David she'd looooove to go on a dinner date with him. The Peach Pit. Donna runs into Kelly and asks her if everything is OK with them...then starts babbling about wanting to have sex with Wayne. Not sure why - he's so dumb looking. She asks Kelly how many guys she's hit the sheets with and whether or not she thinks casual sex is wrong, and a startled Kelly tells her there's no such thing as casual sex. Dylan enters the diner and tells Kelly they need to go "meet a guy" and steers her towards the exit. He tells her that eventually she's going to have to tell her friends about the rape, but she just shakes her head and says she's not ready. Police station. Rapist Joe tells Matt he's innocent of the robbery charge, 'cause he obtained the stereo in exchange for crack. LOL. Elsewhere in the station, Kelly arrives to talk to the police officer in charge of her case. The officer hands her their Big Book of Sex Offenders and asks her to look through all the mug shots in case her attacker is in there. Steve is attempting to duplicate his photographic genius by taking photos of "the underbelly of L.A." and that's all I'm going to say 'bout that. Casa David. Gina and David arrive to pick up a pair of tickets. When Gina sees that Kelly is hanging with Dylan, she rolls her eyes and bitchily mutters, "Oh. What a surprise." Dylan urges David and Gina to leave asap, and Gina snarks, "You two deserve each other." After that ugly scene, Kelly tells Dylan she wants to go home. Donna is on the phone with Wayne, flirtily bantering with him and ignoring the incoming call from Noah. Matt drops by and asks Kelly whassup with her cut lip, and she tells him that Erin hit her by accident. He tries to kiss her, but she pulls away and tells him she's not really up for any canoodling. He gets miffed and asks her where she was last night, then correctly guesses she was with Dylan, and she wearily tells him he should leave. He snaps, "I'd be happy to" and bitchily storms off. Casa David. Matt brings in the mail and tries to sound all casual when he asks Dylan whaddup with him and Kelly hanging out so much lately. Dylan says, "We're not together in the way you think", but Matt snarkishly says he doesn't trust him, and is aware that he called her to talk him out of snorting heroin. He warns Dylan to not take advantage of Kelly's good nature. Skating rink. Gina tells David she's nervous about not making the cut and moans, "I hate to lose." She then decides she's in too prickly a mood to talk to him anymore and stalks off. It's amazing this girl has ever had a friend in the world. Now Wear This. Kelly gets uneasy when a man enters the store and browses the Donna Martin originals. She tells him they're closing for their annual inventory, and he just shrugs amiably and ambles out. Kelly grabs the phone, huddles in one of the fitting rooms, and calls the rape crisis hotline. Matt arrives at a hotel to investigate the alleged robbery committed by Rapist Joe. He brings Steve along to snap photos of the crime scene...and Steve wonders aloud why he's snapping photos when there's a video camera mounted on the wall. Matt perks up and calls him a genius...'cause, yeah, next to Matt, Steve looks like a professor. Donna is having a romantic dinner with Wayne on his living room floor. She bats her big doe eyes at him and demurely says that the notion of casual sex is a new thing to her. He gives her a heads up that soon he'll be heading to Acapulco to compete in a volleyball tournament, and Donna's all, "Wha-a?" and suddenly decides she's no longer down with casual sex. The Peach Pit. Gina is scarfing down some of Nat's greasy diner fare when Dylan slouches over to her table. Gina bitchily tells him that since Kelly hasn't been home for awhile, she figured the two of them are shacking up. Dylan tells her to look elsewhere for a relationship 'cause he's poison, and Gina wearily asks him to please stop repeatedly breaking up with her 'cause it repeatedly makes her feel like shit. Dylan shrugs and slouches out of the diner, while Gina goes into the ladies room to vomit up her dinner. Ew. Beach house. Donna finds Kelly in her bedroom, looking agonized and tearful. Donna asks her whassup, so she tells her about the attack...and then wails that the rapist, who had threatened to kill her, kind of did in a way. After Dark. Donna meets up with Wayne in the parking lot and apologizes to him for sending mixed signals. She says she needs time to endlessly mull over her dating options - Noah or Wayne? Wayne or Noah? - then flounces over to the club. Police station. Matt shows opposing counsel video proof that Rapist Joe carried the allegedly stolen stereo inside a plastic bag, which means that the police followed him without knowledge that he was in possession of the stereo when they jumped him. The opposing counsel concedes, so it looks like Rapist Joe will be getting off on a technicality. The Peach Pit. Noah gives Donna a box of wine glasses that she had once mentioned wanting if they ever moved in together. Donna says she can't talk about this now 'cause she's picking up some chicken soup for Kelly - who, she fibs, has the flu. She asks Noah to call her at home later, and he glumly says he will. Break up already. Matt's office. Rapist Joe insists he's innocent of the robbery charge, then chuckles as he tosses Matt's pen at him, which he stealthily stole from him a few minutes earlier. An irritated Matt tells him to get lost, so he exits the office and saunters past the boutique - ack! - while Kelly is talking to Dylan about the status of the police investigation. Matt enters the store and apologizes for assuming the worst about them...then asks Kelly if they're OK, and she just stares at him blankly. The Beverly Beat. Steve shows the Chronicle reporter his photos of L.A.'s underbelly. The reporter looks them over, then shakes his head and advises Steve to keep his day job. Haha! Skating rink. Dylan joins David in the bleachers to watch Gina audition for the skating tour group, but David points out how totally inappropriate and mixed messagey it is for him to be here. Dylan mulls that over, decides that that's a fair point, then leaves. A few seconds later, Gina's name is announced as the next competitor, but she fails to appear on the ice...and another skater suddenly rushes out to announce that a woman just threw up in the bathroom and fainted! David rushes over to the ladies room, finds Gina keeled over, and cradles her head in his lap. Beach house. Kelly tearfully tells Donna that the rapist took her wallet, which means he knows where they live...and she's deeply fearful he'll never be caught. A few seconds later, Dylan drops by to deliver a gun that Kelly had requested - and Donna looks alarmed and insists she doesn't need it. Kelly says that an attack could happen again, but this time she'll be ready...and while she's saying that, she's staring defiantly into space. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Gina is on the After Dark dance floor, seductively rubbing up against various men in an attempt to make Dylan jealous. When that fails to do anything, she comes up behind David, who's sitting at the bar with Dylan, and gives him a from-behind canoodle and pulls him onto the dance floor. She seductively rubs up against him - until David wryly informs her that Dylan isn't even looking in their general direction...and she lets out a frustrated yelp and storms off the dance floor. She stomps outside and sits on the hood of Dylan's Thunderbird...and when David rushes out after her to see whassup, she natters at him about how the car was a gift to Dylan from Kelly, and then starts pounding on the hood. David offers to give her a ride home...and she softly caresses his face and remarks on how fucked up it is that idiotic girls such as herself never go for the nice guys. She gives him a smooch, then giggles and admits she's drunk...but suddenly gets angry and accuses him of feeling sorry for her, and storms back into the club. That girl is one deeply troubled head-case. The Walsh house. Matt is in the kitchen eating breakfast when Noah enters the room. Matt tells him they need to talk, then gives him an environmental impact report that was commissioned by Hunter Oil & Chemical. Noah barks, "Talk to my lawyer!" so Matt patiently explains to the dimwit that this lawsuit isn't about him, it's about big companies who shamelessly put toxins into water supplies that end up poisoning innocent people. This fails to penetrate Noah's thick skull, and he glares at Matt and barks, "How much are you making on this?!" then accuses him of dragging his father's name through the mud. He admits that the man was a lousy father, but denies that he'd ever knowingly hurt anyone. Matt urges him again to read the report, then exits the room. The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are meeting with a couple who used the online match-making service the Beat is now providing to the loveless...which seems like an odd thing for a tabloid newspaper to be dabbling in, but OK. The lovebirds gabble about how happy they are to have found each other, blah blah. After they scamper off, Janet worries that this match-making service is selling false hope - but Steve disagrees and points out that they've had great successes, then announces that he's stepping out to get a bagel. Janet makes a beeline over to the computer, logs onto the match-making website, and creates an online profile for herself while grinning devilishly. OK...I don't even know where to begin with the nonsensical inanity of this scene, or what in the bloody hell the writers have been doing with these two characters throughout Season 9...so I'm just going to lay out a bunch questions I know I'm never going to get the answers to:
Matt's office. Gina tells Matt that the Environmental Protection Agency left a message to call him back, then said they're going to fax over some guidelines and whatnot. She then winces and touches her cheek with the palm of her hand and murmurs that she has a toothache. Kelly, who's lurking around the office for no real reason, says she knows a very good dentist and can offer to recommend her as a friend. Gina snaps, "We're not friends!" and Kelly says she's under no illusion that they're friends and says she's merely offering to recommend her to Mel as a friend. Now Wear This. Wayne drops by to say hey to Donna, and she tells him that since they're done with her men's line project she shouldn't see him anymore 'cause she's moving in with Noah...even though she's not entirely sure it's what she wants. Wayne cautions her against making this life decision and says she wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons. As he exits the store, Donna stares after him contemplatively. The Peach Pit. Noah meets with Adam, his dad's former colleague at Hunter Oil & Chemical. Noah is disgusted by the report that Matt told him to read, 'cause it proves that the company executives knew that dangerous toxins would seep into the ground and make people sick. Adam's like, "Well d'yuh. That's one of the reasons your father killed himself." Dylan and David take a trip to Vegas, and are hanging out in the hotel bar. They're pleasantly surprised when a group of pretty women sitting at a nearby table sends them free beers. David checks his phone messages and tells Dylan there are a bunch of hang-up calls which were probably Gina, and Dylan shrugs and says he hasn't talked to her since their most recent argument. He remarks that he doesn't think he can be friends with her 'cause they were never platonic the way he was with Kelly, and David gets irked at him for always invoking Kelly in the conversation. Dylan's like, "Whatever" and suggests that they go thank the ladies who gave them free beers, then gets up and slouches over to their table. Restaurant. Janet meets up with her computer generated love-match. They both admit they're committed to other people, but agree that perhaps there is such a thing as being matched with "the perfect person". Mel repairs Gina's broken filling, then tells her she's lost an alarming amount of enamel on her teeth and solemnly asks her how long she's been bulimic. Gina ignores the question and pulls out her check book to pay the bill - but Mel warns her that if she continues upchucking her meals she could end up with serious health problems and/or drop dead at any moment. Gina wearily jokes about what a relief that would be. No argument here. Vegas. David knocks on Dylan's hotel room door and is surprised when a woman answers. Dylan emerges from the bathroom, kisses the woman, and introduces her to David as Mary. When she steps out of the room, Dylan tells David that he and Mary are going hiking this afternoon, and that he told her he frequently travels to Vegas on business. He wants David to back up that fib. The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet he tried calling her last night, then looks hurt when she tells him she went out with someone she met through their online dating service. She says that her date was "by the numbers perfect" but boring as hell, so she's decided she has no interest in dating a male version of herself. She then gives him a quick hug and steps out of the newsroom...and Steve's like, "Turnabout is fair play!" and rushes over to the computer and creates a profile for himself on the dating website. OMFG. Matt's office. Gina leaves a few more hang-up calls for Dylan just before Kelly enters the office and tries to apologize to her again for the Mexico doink. Gina bitchily refuses to accept her apology and just snarks about her sluttiness, so Kelly suggests they "rethink the roommate situation". Amen to that. Gina says she's not up to doing any house hunting...and somehow Kelly refrains from reminding the self-absorbed tart that the beach house was her home first, and that if she wants to continue living there, she's going to have to commit herself to acting far less cunty toward her roommates and maybe not write descriptors like SLUT on the bathroom mirror. Kelly says she's genuinely sorry for her crime of hooking up with Dylan, and that she can accept her apology or not. After she flounces out, Gina binges on a delicious looking piece of pastry. The Peach Pit. Noah pesters Donna for the hundredth fucking time this season to go house hunting with him...and she babbles at him again about how it's such a big deal, and that he's pressuring her to move in with him for all the wrong reasons. Noah hands her the information about the listing and says he's leaving it up to her to call the realtor. Or not. Vegas. Dylan is packing up to head back to L.A. when Mary drops by his hotel room to say goodbye. She earnestly asks him if he'll call regarding his return trip to Vegas, and he's like, "Uh...sure." Matt's office. Noah informs Matt that he read the report that Hunter Oil & Chemical commissioned and says, "Let it come out in court." He then hands over a bunch of documents he found in his dad's office and says he's totes on board with getting to the bottom of all the water poisoning accusations. The Beverly Beat. Donna drops by and gabbles at Steve about how she's only ever been with David and Noah. Steve's like, "Yeah, that's nice" and logs onto the computer and learns that his perfect match is a pretty blonde woman. He calls her to set up a date and talks to her in a really creepy phone voice while he's doing that...and Donna calls Wayne and tells him she wants to see him asap. Casa David. David scolds Dylan for leading Mary on and says he's generally dismayed by how little he seems to care about the shitty way he treats people. Dylan shrugs and says it was just a one night stand, and that he'd be fine with never seeing Mary again. David snarks about how he just blew off the great thing he had going with Gina - LOL - and Dylan glares at him and accuses him of being interested in Gina, then slouches out the door while muttering, "I don't wanna live with a hall monitor." A few seconds later, Mary calls and tells David she just happens to be in L.A. and would love to see Dylan, and David's like, "What a great idea!" and gives her the address. Hee! Matt's office. Noah and Matt are going through Papa Hunter's papers when Noah finds a memo that looks to be important to the case. Donna drops by during this scene to tell Noah that she doesn't want to move in with him. Good. Don't. Shut up and continue to live at the beach house. After Dark. Steve is waiting at the bar to meet his computer generated love-match when Janet shows up unexpectedly and tells him that her plans with her mother fell through. The pretty blonde woman approaches Steve a few seconds later...and when Janet gets angry at Steve for doing exactly what she did to him a few scenes earlier, he cries, "I was curious!" Beach house. Gina is scarfing down some pasta salad...but when Kelly arrives home, she dumps the food in the trash can. Kelly's like, "I was going to eat that!" then tells her she talked to Mel, who wanted her to pass along the business card for a doctor who specializes in treating bulimia. Doesn't this violate dentist-patient confidentiality, assuming there is such a thing? Kelly tells Gina she knows first hand about eating disorders ever since she keeled over after taking one too many diet pills in the Perfectly Perfect episode. Gina denies she has an eating disorder, and that a lot of female figure skaters did some weird shit to lose weight. Kelly says that often an eating disorder is about controlling pain, and Gina once again throws it in her face that she doinked Dylan in Mexico. Kelly reminds her that she's apologized for that numerous times, and isn't going to keep repeating herself the way Noah and Donna keep having the same fucking conversation about house hunting and moving in together/not moving in together. The Walsh house. Noah shows Adam the memo he found in his dad's files. It was a written order by Papa Hunter, instructing Adam to stop the 'toxins seeping into the ground' project asap because it was going to result in poisoning people. Noah then blames Adam for selling his dad out and going ahead with the project and blaming him for the terrible outcome. He then gets all in Adam's face and snarls, "A dead man can't speak for himself!" Restaurant. Donna is out with Wayne, gabbling about how great it is to date a bunch of different people and see who best suits your fancy. Donna then decides that if fate has decreed she is meant to be with Noah, then no amount of recreational doinking with Wayne could ever change that. Interesting perspective. Casa David. Gina drops by and tells Dylan she just happened to be driving past his place, and he says he's A-OK with that and gives her a hug. As that's happening, Mary suddenly appears and goes, "Uh, hi" and Gina correctly assumes that she and Dylan recently bumped uglies, and snarks that he's "the scum of the earth". As she storms off, she angrily reminds Dylan that they haven't even been broken up a week. Has it really been that long? Mary just stands there awkwardly until she finally gets a clue and leaves. Dylan admonishes David for giving Mary his address, then accuses him again of wanting to hook up with Gina. David heads outside while sarcastically admitting that, yeah, he does want Gina, so Dylan bellows, "Take her!! You hear me?!" then looks sheepish when he sees Gina standing outside. She glares at him and quietly says, "Yeah, he heard you." The Beverly Beat. Steve apologizes to Janet for trying to hook up with the pretty blonde woman, then proposes they dump the online match-making service and just stick to fake news reporting. The Walsh house. Matt is on the phone, telling whoever he's talking to that he'll draw up a settlement agreement in the morning. After the call, he tells Noah that it looks like Hunter Oil & Chemical wants to settle out of court, and that Papa Hunter will be vindicated of any wrongdoing. Noah's all, "Woo hoo!" Beach house. Dylan drops by to apologize to Gina for what he bellowed at David earlier, and she tells him how demoralizing it is for him to talk about passing her around to his friends like an old sock. Dylan acknowledges that he's terrible, repugnant, soulless shell of a person for her to be dating, and she's like, "Yep, bye" and closes the door on him. She then goes into the bathroom and kneels in front of the toilet, carefully pulls her pretty hair over her shoulders, and vomits. Ick ick ick. Now Wear This. Donna natters at Wayne about how confuuuuuused she is about who she has stronger feelings for: him or Noah. Wayne's like, "You stress way too much" but then chuckles about how cute she looks doing it. Well, yes...because not only is Donna the world's most stunningly beautiful cherub, she is adorable even when hopelessly confused about which man she's contemplating hitting the sheets with next. Kelly is driving her BMW when she gets a call from Dylan. He tells her he's at a bar, about to snort some heroin, and needs her to talk him off the ledge. She asks him the address and promises to be there soon. A few minutes later, she arrives in a quiet, sketchy looking neighbourhood. As she ambles along the street, the camera pans down to the sidewalk...and we see the footage of a strange man's shoes while he creepily pursues her. A few seconds later, he grabs her and pulls her into an alley, knocks her onto the ground, and punches her. He then pulls out a knife, snarls at her to not give him a reason to kill her, and barks, "Shut up, you blonde bitch!" He sneers that she's going to enjoy this as much as he will...and then the screen ominously fades to black. Noooooo!!! Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: At the Peach Pit, Steve is reading the latest issue of the Global Enquirer with the headline 'Y2K, We're All Going to Die' - LOL - and assuring Janet, David, Gina, and Dylan that Y2K is nothing to worry about, and that entering a new millennium will be like any other New Year's. David tries to plant some doubt in Steve's pea-brain by reminding him about all the doomsday predictions out there, and Dylan gets in on that action and says that the banking system is likely to collapse on January 1 'cause bank software won't be able to make heads or tails of the number 2000. Dylan then stands up, pretends to ponder the looming disaster that is Y2K, and announces that he's going to start stockpiling food and supplies. As he and Gina leave the diner, softly giggling to each other, Steve stares into space with a concerned look etched on his face. Kelly and Matt are babysitting Erin, who they've just put to bed. The two return to the living room, where they start canoodling, kissing, and stripping off their clothes...and somehow a video camera that's placed on one of the shelves is turned on and filming what will soon become the blandest accidental porn that's ever been recorded on prime-time television: The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape. Now Wear This. Donna is sketching menswear fashions while ogling a dumb looking blonde guy who's sitting at a table in the courtyard. Kelly notices her checking the guy out and urges her to go talk to him...so Donna summons the courage to walk towards him, but then loses her nerve and rushes over to the magazine rack and pretends to be engrossed in the latest issue of a knitting magazine. She finally approaches the dumb looking blonde guy and introduces herself as a clothing designer and asks him if he'd be interested in being a fitting model for her new men's line. He introduces himself as Wayne and says he has to get going, but writes down his phone number and tells her to give him a call. Matt and Dylan have teamed up on a class action lawsuit involved various companies that are accused of contaminating drinking water. This is pretty lofty legal work for someone who couldn't bring himself to draw up a pre-nup. Matt reads over one of the documents and solemnly informs Dylan that one of the companies named in the suit is Hunter Oil & Chemical. Oh no! David and Erin are at Mel's/Jackie's condo playing cards. She accuses him of cheating, then pulls down the nanny-cam so she can prove it...and while she's doing that, David gets a call from Katie and saunters out of the room with his phone. Erin ejects the videotape from the machine, then places it in the packaging for There's Something About Mary in order to generate the maximum amount of contrived mayhem that will ensue from The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape falling into the wrong hands. Katie, meanwhile, is telling David that she's insanely horny and wants to doink him asap, and David tells her he's definitely into her nympho action. After Dark. Matt and Dylan drop by Noah's office to inform Noah that they're filing a lawsuit against several companies that illegally dumped toxic chemicals into a public water supply...and that one of those companies is Hunter Oil & Chemical. Noah says he no longer has anything to do with his family's company, but Matt tells him he's still going to need any of his father's business files he may have access to. Noah's all, "Wha-a?" then gets annoyed when Dylan chimes in to smugly inform him that he's covering the legal expenses for the plaintiffs. The Walsh house. As Steve natters about Y2K, Janet is busy booking their first vacation as a couple to Hawaii. Steve panics about the upcoming power grid meltdown and thinks they need to prepare themselves with a supply of dried goods, batteries, and a generator. Janet, on the other hand, doesn't feel the need to panic and refuses to indulge in any needless stockpiling. Matt is in Noah's room pretending to look for the CDs he loaned to Noah but never got back. Noah finds him snooping in his drawers and yells at him to get out, so Matt tells him he's so law savvy that he can get access to any of Papa Hunter's company documents he wants, then smugly adds, "It's called discovery" as he swaggers out of the room. What a dipshit. Casa David. Gina and Dylan have borrowed There's Something About Mary from David and put the videotape into the VCR. When Gina sees that the tape is a recording of Kelly and Matt getting it on, she's all, "Wha-a?" and starts laughing at the snorefest that is watching this chemistry-free couple have sex. Dylan comes over to see what she's laughing at, but finds no humor in watching his soulmate get doinked by another man. He presses stop, then ejects the tape from the VCR. Gina protests and laughingly says she was watching that - ew - but an enraged Dylan growls, "No.." The Peach Pit. Gina jokes to Dylan that Kelly and Matt, who are canoodling at a nearby table, should get into the porn business, but Dylan just glowers and snaps at her to drop it. Kelly and Matt amble over, and Matt says something to Dylan about them needing to get together later to discuss the results of the contaminated water tests. Dylan grimaces and says, "Fine." Gina says that Dylan is moodier than usual today, then explains that they rented a movie last night and have been arguing about whether it's a romance or the most boring sex tape that's ever been unwittingly circulated among a tight-knit clique. Dylan just glares at Gina and announces he's outa here. Restaurant. Donna is intrigued to learn that Wayne is a professional volleyball player...and she tells him he has the perfect physique to model for her new men's line. As the two banter flirtily, Wayne tells her he has a big secret to reveal...which is that he doesn't currently have a girlfriend. With that dumb looking face, I'm not surprised. Donna giggles in reply 'cause she's twenty-five going on thirteen. Katie drops by Casa David earlier than expected...and she's so crazy horny that she wants David to bone her immediately, if not sooner. The two start smooching intensely and stumble over to his bedroom. The Beverly Beat. Steve has gone out and purchased seven cases of Smeat (the show's equivalent to Spam), so that when the Y2K food shortage hits L.A., he can sell it to the starving masses at a huge markup. Janet doesn't want to talk about Smeat and asks him where they stand on their first vacation to Hawaii, then gets annoyed when he ignores her and continues to gabble about his Smeat collection. Now Wear This. Noah drops by to tell Donna again that he doesn't want to live at Casa Walsh anymore, and asks her if they can pleeeeeeease move in together. Donna silently retches to herself, but pretends to Noah that she thinks them living together is an awesome idea. Casa David. Post-coitus, Katie grabs the remote and says she wants to watch TV. David tells her he did a bit of research on sex addiction and knows that the hardest time for recovering addicts is the immediate aftermath of sex...but Katie breezily says it's only difficult for her after she's had meaningless sex. She then turns on the TV, while David stares over at her in dismay. He finally gives up on any afterglow canoodling and says he's going to take a shower - but first makes her promise not to bolt as soon as he leaves the room. She assures him she's not going anywhere...and by not going anywhere, she means she's going to hurriedly get dressed and flee the minute David steps into the shower. Bwahaha! After Dark. Dylan surprises Gina with a private performance by singer Monica. As they dance alone together, all close and romantic-like, Gina snidely asks Dylan if he's overcompensating for his overreaction to the The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape. Dylan snarks that he's not...but Gina proceeds to needle him about her theory that seeing Kelly and Matt doinking bugs him so much 'cause the doinking is based on love, aka the polar opposite of what they have: a relentlessly hate-filled lust that the writers are stubbornly refusing to extinguish for once and for all. A weary Dylan says it's her choice if she wants to ruin the beautiful moment he worked so hard to create, then turns and slouches toward the exit. Gina snaps, "Fine! Also, I know you slept with Kelly in Mexico!" and Dylan turns around and asks her how on earth she found out about that...and Gina tearfully replies, "You just told me." Sneaky! She then stalks out of the club, leaving a confused Monica wondering if she should continue singing now that zero people are watching her. After Dark. Katie drops by the DJ booth to apologize to David for running out on him so soon after sex. David says he doesn't think that a relationship with him is the best thing for her right now - but she disagrees and applauds his patience, to which he grimly replies, "I've had lots of practice." Hahaha! Katie says she's only ever hooked up with guys that wanted nothing more than sex from her - including her own father, which...yeesh. An icked out David mumbles, "I don't know what to say 'bout that" so Katie says she'd like it if he would be willing to date her, but without the hope of sex for at least a year. David stares back at her in mute horror, so I'm guessing not. Now Wear This. Donna is measuring Wayne for his first fitting, and the two indulge in some more flirty banter. She informs him she has a boyfriend and generally doesn't like to mix business with pleasure, and he says he respects that and has no problem waiting until she's available. Noah knocks on the store window to get Donna's attention...and when she goes over to talk to him, she nervously explains that Wayne is a fitting model for her new men's line. Noah's like, "Ooooh! Men's line! Exciting!" - LOL - then invites her to go house hunting with him this afternoon. She says she's too busy measuring Wayne, so the two agree to meet up later. Matt's office. Matt tells Dylan he's confident they'll win the water poisoning case, then thanks him for providing all the financial support he needs to bring the matter to court. Gina enters the office, sees Dylan, then mumbles that she'll eat her snack elsewhere. Dylan chases after her and warns her to keep her trap shut to Matt about his and Kelly's Mexico doink, which enrages Gina 'cause it's obvious he's only interested in protecting Kelly. She storms back into the office and orders Dylan to spill the beans to Matt - otherwise she's going to do it...and so Dylan looks Matt in the eye and calmly says, "I slept with Kelly in Mexico. There you have it - let the games begin." He then glares at Gina and goes, "Happy now?" A discombobulated Matt orders Dylan to take his money and get the hell out of his office, 'cause their arrangement on this case is officially over. Dylan shrugs disinterestedly and slouches out. Matt storms down to the boutique and barks at Kelly to tell him the truth about Mexico. When she just stares at him in stricken muteness, he declares their relationship done. Kelly races over to the After Dark to berate Dylan for blabbing about their Mexican doink to Matt. She calls him sick and vows to never forgive him. Dylan snarks that she's the sick one, videotaping herself having sex with Matt...and when she's all, "Wuh?", Dylan gives her a brief description of the tryst that took place in the living room of her mom's condo. She demands to know where he got that tape, and he whines, "Gina and I were just trying to watch a movie!" LOL. Kelly says she wants the tape back, but he angrily tells her he already smashed it to pieces with a pickaxe. The Walsh house. Steve goes over to the fuse box and, without warning to anyone, shuts off all the power for an unannounced Y2K drill. Matt leaps downstairs and angrily tells Steve he was in the middle of downloading documents he needs for his lawsuit, and a vexed Janet races downstairs and promptly turns the power back on. She asks Steve whassup with their Hawaii vacay...and when he ignores her and continues gabbling about the doomsday threat of Y2K, she says she's cancelling the trip and then storms back upstairs. Beach house. Gina is weeping in the bathroom when Donna pokes her head in and asks her if she's OK. Gina breezily says she's fine and that she just has allergies. A few seconds later, Kelly appears in the doorway and offers to explain the Mexico doink, then tells Gina she's sure there are things she'd like to say to her. Gina mutters, "Yeah..", then picks up a tube of lipstick and scrawls SLUT on the bathroom mirror, and then stalks out of the room. I think the time has officially come for Donna and Kelly to strongly urge Gina to find herself another place to live, 'cause how in the hell is this living situation even remotely tenable?? The Walsh house. Matt knocks on Noah's bedroom door and tells Noah that in his quest for the truth, he's going to need to examine whatever company papers of his dad's he has possession of...and if he refuses, he'll be forced to file a criminal motion against him. Noah growls, "Knock yourself out" ... and after Matt leaves, Noah tells Donna for the umpteenth time this episode that he doesn't want to live at Casa Walsh anymore. Casa David. Katie drops by to invite David to a movie, but he declines and tells her he can't be her boyfriend anymore 'cause sex is too important to him to have to abstain from in a relationship...and he refuses to go through another long sex drought like he did for Donna all those years. Katie accepts his decision, then thanks him for being honest and kind 'cause apparently it's a rare thing in L.A. The Walsh house. Kelly assures Matt she loves him and not Dylan, and reminds him that when she went to bed with Dylan, he had re-committed himself to Lauren. Matt insists that she still should have told him, but she argues that amid his grief about losing Lauren, there was never a good time. He mulls that over and asks her if she thinks she deserves to be forgiven...and when she says she does, he pulls her towards him for a hug. Gaa.. Casa David. Dylan is watching The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape again, staring daggers at the screen. When Gina knocks on the door, he quickly takes the videotape out of the VCR and conceals it in his jacket pocket. He chides Gina for not responding to his many messages, and she reminds him that the Mexico situation is his fault - meaning that he was the one who cheated on her and lied about it. She then grins evilly and says that Kelly was probably thinking about Matt while they were bumping uglies in Mexico, 'cause from what she could tell by watching The Kelly & Matt Sex Tape, he's pretty darn proficient in the sack. She then flounces out, leaving Dylan staring after her with a stricken look on his face. Someone please assure me that these two are now truly, absolutely, completely broken up with no hope of an attempt at a reconciliation. The Beverly Beat. Steve lights a bunch of candles to create a romantic ambiance while he explains his rude, nutty behavior of late to Janet. He tells her he's had a handful of serious relationships - Celeste, Clare, Hilary Swank - and each time he thought they were "the one" they ended up getting written out of the show. He tells her he gets scared whenever the two of them talk about their future (or trips to Hawaii), 'cause he assumes she's going to leave him too. Janet assures him that she's resigned herself to settling for a bonehead and isn't going anywhere. Steve sheepishly apologizes for ruining their Hawaii vacation, but Janet says it's probably better that they spend such a special occasion with the rest of the cast mates. Beach house. Dylan drops by to hand over the sex tape to Kelly, then tells her that since she and Matt love each other, there's nothing on the tape she should be ashamed of...the overwhelming blandness of their coupling excepted. He says it was difficult for him to see her connect with another man like that, 'cause he doesn't have any such feelings for Gina. [But that shouldn't matter 'cause you're broken up now...right? right?] He congratulates Kelly on finding someone she loves and who makes her happy, then mopishly says, "I wish it were me." The Walsh house. Noah is frying up his dad's diary on the barbecue...and when Matt steps outside to see what's cookin', Noah taunts him about never getting the chance to read it. What a malevolent arse-hole. Restaurant. Donna and Wayne are sitting in a dark corner of the restaurant, having a clandestine date. She tells him she prolly shouldn't see him again 'cause she and her boyfriend want to move in together - but an unfazed Wayne just shrugs and gushes about how much he likes her, and knows she likes him too. Donna admits she totally digs him, but doesn't want him to get the wrong idea 'cause she's definitely not, sort of, but perhaps available. He goes, "Really..?" and leans in for a smooch, and Donna smooches him back and looks all into it. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Matt is vacuuming his office when Kelly calls to say hey, and that he should hire a cleaning service so he can spend more of his free time with her. Matt says he's not so much hard up for a cleaning service as he is procrastinating getting his work done, which probably explains why his law practice is in the sorry state it's in. Kelly tells him she's out doing some shopping, then - ack! - unexpectedly runs into Dylan. She quickly wraps up her call with Matt, then greets Dylan in the coyly coquettish manner in which she always seems to greet him. Steve has joined the Beverly Hills chapter of Sex Addicts Anonymous and is pretending to be a sex addict in an effort to uncover delicious celebrity gossip that may arise during the sharing sessions. Yep, sounds about right. Dylan and Kelly sit inside her convertible in the parking lot as they chat and sip coffee. He admits that he was slouching around the grocery store, hoping to "accidentally" run into her. He says he likes hanging out with her alone, then cheekily hints that he's looking forward to the two of them hitting the sheets again sometime in the near future. As they chat, Dylan suddenly notices a shady looking guy approach a pregnant woman and her little son...then grab the little boy and order the woman to hand over her purse. Dylan leaps into action and shoves a shopping cart at the mugger, which knocks him down...and then Kelly runs over and steers the woman and her child to safety. The woman thanks her, then informs her that her water just broke and she's going into labor. Of course she is, this is a TV show. Kelly offers to drive her to the hospital, then runs over to where Dylan is standing to let him know what's happening. She asks if the mugger escaped, and Dylan points at the trunk of the woman's car...and the two laugh as they listen to the creep pounding on the car from inside, demanding to be let out. Hospital. Dylan calls Gina to let her know he'll be late for whatever plans they made...and Gina excitedly tells him she just got a job offer, and he's like, "That's nice, I gotta go" and abruptly hangs up on her. A reporter from the L.A. Tribune approaches Kelly to praise her for her good deed and asks for all the details, such as exactly who subdued the mugger? She glances over at Dylan, who is anxiously shaking his head no, so she fibs and says she was with Steve Sanders when the attempted mugging went down. The Beverly Beat. Katie, the group leader from Sex Addicts Anonymous, leaves a phone message for Steve that, for some reason, references his faux masturbatory issues. When Janet listens to the message and is all, "Wha-a?", Steve explains that he's attending Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings in order to mine for salacious stories they can publish in the Beat. An unwitting Katie has become his sponsor, and since she's slept around with a lot of celebrities during her sex addiction benders, he figures she's got some interesting stories that the Beat can exploit and profit from. David drops by the newsroom, looking odder than usual with a head of newly blackened hair, and drops off the ad copy for some radio spots. Shortly after that, Katie arrives to take Steve to lunch...and David looks instantly smitten with the blonde bombshell, while Janet is visibly miffed by how ridiculously hot she is. Donna ambles down a street that's in a way sketchier district that the ones she normally hangs out in...and she happens to look through the window of the Rose City Diner and sees Noah sitting in a booth. She enters and asks him whassup with him eating somewhere other than the clique-sanctioned Peach Pit, then explains that she sometimes comes to this 'hood to buy cheaply priced fabric. He acts all shifty and nervous and makes it a point to say he's never been to this diner before, then suggests they leave - but before they can make a break for it, a pretty young waitress emerges from the kitchen and tells Noah that the cook prepared his eggs just the way he likes them. Donna glares at Noah, then huffily storms out of the diner. Gina enters Matt's office clutching a manilla envelop and excitedly tells Matt that she just got a job offer from The Skating Channel, doing commentary on figure skating routines (e.g. "Clean landing on that triple Lutz!"). The form asks her to indicate her lawyer's name, and she didn't want to look unprofessional by leaving the space blank. Matt asks her if he can look over the offer, then tries to sound all savvy when he says that the first bid is always a bullshit, lowball offer. Gina makes it clear she doesn't want to do anything that could risk losing this job, and Matt points out that she's a national finalist who was hand-picked by a group of executives and therefore has nothing to worry about. Gina thinks that over, then throws all caution and good sense out the window and agrees to let Matt try to negotiate a better deal. The Beverly Beat. Kelly and Dylan tell Steve about the attempted mugging...and Kelly says that when she got to the hospital with the pregnant mom and found herself surrounded by reporters and photographers, she blurted out that she was with Steve Sanders. Dylan sheepishly adds that they didn't want Matt or Gina to know that they had been hanging out together. Steve chides Kelly for lying, so Kelly says she wanted to maintain the illusion that she was keeping the half-hearted promise she made to Gina about staying away from Dylan. Dylan tells Steve that the L.A. Tribune is going to need his photo for their feature article on the incident, plus the mayor will want a photo opp when he publicly thanks him for his heroic deed. Steve says he wants nothing to do with this deception - but then gets a phone call from someone who starts gushing about his courage and asks him how many times he struck the assailant. Steve pauses the call to ask Dylan for details of the attempted mugging so he can give the caller an accurate account of what happened, then gabbles to the caller about his awesome heroism. After Dark. Donna accuses Noah of cheating on her with the young waitress, so he explains to the imbecile that the waitress is his half-sister Renee, who he's been visiting with at the diner for the last couple of weeks. He clarifies that Renee doesn't know he's her half-brother...then kisses a dazed Donna on the cheek and says he has to get back to work now. The Walsh house. The gang is watching Steve on the local news as he waxes on about his faux role in the mugging rescue of a pregnant woman. Matt asks Kelly how she and Steve happened to be hanging out in the parking lot together, so she flusters her way through a fib about how her car was acting up, so she called Steve (of all people) to help her out. Donna arrives with flowers for Noah as a way of apologizing for doubting him and says she'd like to hear all about Renee. Noah explains that after his dad died, he found a bunch of photos and letters in his office...and it turns out he had a whole other life that included a mistress and a daughter. The Peach Pit. Katie tells Steve he has a spiritual void (among various other types of voids) and is concerned that he enjoys listening to her sex addiction testimonials a little too much. Steve comes clean and tells her that he's in the tabloid newspaper business, and that he only joined Sex Addicts Anonymous to get juicy stories about celebrities. Katie warns him not to exploit her support group, then angrily flounces towards the exit. On her way out she sashays past David, who gives her another appreciative once-over. Matt tells Gina he's quite confident he can score her a much better offer with The Skating Channel. He calls up the executive who made Gina the initial offer and rudely tells him that he used his piece of shit lowball offer to line the bottom of his bird cage, then terminates the call. That doesn't seem like actual negotiating, but OK. The Walsh house. Janet and Steve read about Steve's heroism in the newspaper and learn that the mom named her baby Steve. Good God. Steve looks all wigged out about his under-false-pretences namesake and pissily says he doesn't want to discuss the incident anymore. Janet scrunches her face in confusion at Steve's uncharacteristic modesty. Casa David. Gina is in a rare good mood as she and Dylan cook dinner and lightheartedly canoodle. She asks him why he's being so nice to her, and he grunts, "It happens." A panicked Steve calls Dylan to summon him to a meeting with himself and Kelly...and Dylan agrees and tells Gina that Steve and "Janet" have a sudden crisis they need his help with. Dylan, Steve, and Kelly meet in a remote spot overlooking L.A. Steve complains that all this heroism stuff is getting to be too much for him to reasonably explain, especially now that the rescued mom named her newborn son after him. He complains that he can't sleep at night and hates lying to Janet...then grumbles that if the two of them want to be together so badly, they should just dump their current squeezes and hook up so they can stop staring at each other with looks of wistful forlornness all the damn time. After Steve storms back to his car, Dylan tells Kelly that Steve makes a good point...and Kelly stares contemplatively into space as she mulls that over. The Peach Pit. David tells Steve that he has a lunch date with Katie, and Steve declines to reveal her sex addiction problems. Janet enters the diner and informs Steve that the police just called and want him to go downtown so he can look at a police lineup and ID the mugger. Steve pales and says he can't do that, then rushes over to the nearest phone to place an emergency call to Kelly. When David bugs Steve again about whassup with Katie, Steve throws all sense of discretion to the wind and blabs that she's a total nympho...and then David laughs to Janet about how Steve just said nympho like it's a bad thing. Noah drops by to take Donna to lunch, and Donna tells him she wants them to go to the Rose City Diner 'cause she took it upon herself to stick her big fat nose in his bidness and spent time at the diner chatting it up with Renee so she could get to know her a little. She tells Noah that Renee is planning to leave town soon, and urges him to introduce himself to her and tell her about her family while he still has the chance. Police station. Steve is nervously pacing the waiting area when a cop comes out and tells him that the line-up is ready. Steve clutches his stomach and says he suddenly feels ill - just as Kelly arrives. The cop says they only need one person to identify the mugger, so Kelly quickly offers to do it. Janet glares at Steve suspiciously and demands to know whassup with his weird behavior lately, so Steve cracks and admits that he wasn't anywhere near the scene of the attempted mugging. Restaurant. David scarfs down his lunch and suggests to Katie that they head over to his place, then saucily adds, "I have a cappuccino machine and my roommate isn't home." Subtle, David. Katie declines and says she has to get going 'cause she has an appointment to get her nails done. Haha! Casa David. Kelly drops by to inform Dylan that Janet knows Steve wasn't really the hero, and Dylan shrugs and goes, "So..?" She says she wants to come clean with Matt about everything - including their doink in Mexico. Dylan warns her that it'll probably mean the end of their relationship, then mumbles that he isn't proud of the way he's been treating Gina (behind her back) and is ready to dump her asap. Matt's office. Matt and Gina are awaiting a fax from The Skating Channel. Gina worries that they might have been too tough during the negotiation process, but Matt is confident that the counter-offer will include a lot more money. When the fax finally arrives, it's a "thanks but no thanks" letter from The Skating Channel, saying they've decided to stick it out with their tried and tested commentator, Kitty Shaver. Gina visibly deflates, then angrily berates Matt for destroying her job opportunity by playing hardball. She snarls, "You blew it!" and Matt hangs his head in shame. Donna and Noah enter the Rose City Diner and look around for Renee. The owner, Sal, tells them that Renee already finished her last shift and booked herself on a flight. Donna manages to sweet talk him into giving her Renee's contact information. Dylan lets himself inside the beach house and finds Gina sitting in the living room, tearfully staring into the dark. Apparently, he left her a bunch of phone messages saying "Call me, we need to talk", which...ouch. Gina tells him that her Skating Channel deal fell through, and that she's pretty sure they were just using her as leverage to get Kitty Shaver to renew her contract. She sadly remarks that, as usual, she's being treated as "the next to best thing". She asks Dylan if he's about to say something that is going to completely push her over the edge, and he's like, "Uh...nope" and gives her a comforting hug. After Dark. Renee drops by the club to see Noah after getting a message from Sal saying that he needed to see her. She tells him she's leaving for Florida in a few hours...and that she hopes he's not trying to ask her out 'cause she doesn't want him cheating on Donna, who - she can already tell - is the sweetest cherub the world has ever seen. Noah agrees that, yes, Donna is the most stunning angel he could ever hope to meet, then reveals that he recently discovered that they're brother and sister. As Renee stares at him in shocked silence, he assures her he doesn't want to mess with her life in any way...he just wanted her to know that she has a brother in L.A. who is more than happy to look out for her. As the two hug, Donna smiles at them in her most obnoxious, repugnantly sanctimonious manner from the doorway. Hospital. Steve tells the nearly mugged mom that he's not the hero everyone's been saying he is, and that she probably shouldn't be naming her son after him. The mom wryly informs him that she named the baby Steve 'cause it's her husband's name. Womp womp! Beach house. Matt drops by to see Gina. He produces a bottle of champagne and offers her a job at his law practice. It remains unclear how in the hell he's able to afford an employee when he can't even afford a place to live. He tells her he doesn't want her to think she's worthless, then suggests she ditch her slouchy beau and find someone who thinks of her as something more than a convenient hookup who has very, very pretty hair. The Peach Pit. Katie enters the diner and tells David she wants to explain why she cut their date short - and David says he knows why, then rats Steve out about how he blabbed to him all about her sex addiction problems. LOL. As she silently curses Steve's big mouth, David asks her out for a nice quiet dinner with no pressure to put out...and she says she likes the sound of that, and that ever since she's been abstaining from sex she feels healthy and ready to move forward with her life. Fantastic. The Walsh house. Kelly confesses to Matt that she was with Dylan on the day of the attempted mugging, and that they lied about it so he and Gina wouldn't get jealous and upset. Matt gets angry that she and Dylan dragged Steve and Janet into their web of lies, then asks Kelly why in the hell she holds onto Dylan so relentlessly. She just shrugs and says, "He's my friend" and Matt says that although he always wants her to tell him the truth, he really really hates the idea of her and Dylan ogling each other and spending time alone together. After Dark. Kelly drops by to tell Dylan that she told Matt they were together when the attempted mugging went down, then correctly guesses that he didn't dump Gina as he said he would. She wonders aloud why he's with someone he doesn't even like that much, and he just kind of shrugs and goes, "I dunno." She smugly tells him how awesome it is to be with someone she loves...and as she flounces out of the club in kind of an in-yer-face way, Dylan broodily stares after her. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
Beverly Hills, 90210 homepageRecapper: Isabel K. French
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