Recap: Gina and Dylan are sitting at a table in the After Dark, sucking face and doing some kind of weird role-play, pretending as though they just met each other for the first time. Gina suddenly gets cold and puts on Dylan's jacket, and is aghast when she finds a bag o' heroin in one of the pockets. David, meanwhile, is in his DJ booth, gabbling about what a date-less loser he is and invites his listeners to call him with suggestions as to how he can meet Ms. Right. That's...pretty fucking pathetic, Davey. Janet complains to Steve, Donna, and Noah about how pushy some men are when they're hitting on girls, and Noah explains that it's sometimes hard for guys to make the first move. A few seconds later, they all notice Gina storming out of the club and Dylan running out after her, and quietly mull over that spectacle. Apropos of nothing, Steve declares that he's mastered "the art of the pick-up" and brags that he could practically teach a class in it. Noah jokes that that dumb idea sounds like it could be a money-maker...and Steve perks up and goes, "It does, doesn't it?" No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't. The Walsh house. After a sumptuous dinner, Kelly tells Matt how impressed she is with his cooking skills, then gives him a long smooch. He tries to usher her upstairs - but she looks uneasy and says it's still weird for her to be all canoodley at Casa Walsh with someone who's not Brandon. She begs him not to hate her...and he assures her he doesn't, then announces that he's going to put on a pot of coffee. Dylan finds Gina sitting on his stoop looking sad. She tells him she has zero desire to date a druggie...and he mumbles something incoherent, then pulls out the bag o' heroin from his pocket. He says that part of him is glad she found it and urges her to follow him into the bathroom, where he empties the heroin down the toilet and flushes it away. Gina buys his horseshit and beams happily as he envelops her in a hug. Beach house. Kelly is gabbling to Donna about how bad she feels that Matt has to deal with her obnoxious love triangle, Dylan/Brandon baggage, when Gina bursts in and remarks on all the traffic she encountered while driving home from Dylan's place. As Kelly scrunches her face in jealous annoyance, Donna defuses the situation by urging her to go see Matt and quickly shoves her out the door. She then directs her attention to Gina and reminds her that they haven't had a chance to debrief since she blurted out all that harsh 'I hate you' stuff during her birthday party, and Gina breezily tells her she said a bunch of stuff she doesn't mean (even though she clearly really does mean it), and has to bounce 'cause she's suddenly a personal trainer and has an appointment with her first client: Felice. The Beverly Beat. Steve has decided to bring his boneheaded idea of teaching hapless men The Art of the Pick-up to fruition, and somehow believes it is reasonable to charge each pupil $250 for the privilege of listening to his worthless nonsense. Janet rolls her eyes derisively as David enters the newsroom and chuckles over Steve's over-the-top ad for the seminar. Steve then asks him if he wouldn't mind recording the seminar so he can increase his revenue by selling The Art of the Pick-up videotapes. OK. I think we have officially reached the point at which the Beverly Hills, 90210 writers stopped phoning it in and just began scribbling nonsensical plot ideas on scrap paper and then snail mailed them to the set. Gina is training Felice with hand weight exercises, then gets her to do some arm stretching. The two talk about Gina's figure skating career, and Felice grumbles about how she wishes her flaky daughter would commit herself to a long-term goal. She then complains about what a giant douchetard Noah is, and that she's pretty sure Donna chooses her boyfriends based on how much their coupling will annoy her...though, in fairness, Felice's uppity-ness probably makes it near impossible to avoid annoying her in the mate-choosing department. She changes the subject and tells Gina she's been invited to a luncheon hosted by the editor of George Magazine - JFK Jr.! - and has two tickets. She says she was planning to invite Donna, but Gina fake gossips about how she heard Donna make snarky remarks about the luncheon - which, of course, angers Felice, so she haughtily retorts, "In that case, I'd prefer to take you instead!" She offers Gina the extra ticket, which Gina is more than happy to snap up. The Walsh house. Kelly drops by to sheepishly apologize to Matt for all of her man baggage problems, and he's like, "Er...OK" just as a woman emerges from the kitchen to announce that their soufflé is rising. As Kelly scrunches her face in confusion, Matt explains that the woman, Marissa, is here to give him cooking lessons. Kelly continues to look weirded out and says she should probably go...and Matt hastily assures her that Marissa is just a friend and adds that he wishes she had wanted to stay over last night. Donna and Noah go on a double date with Gina and Dylan to a museum exhibit. Gina tries to sound nonchalant as she tells Donna that Felice gave her a ticket to attend the George Magazine luncheon, and Donna furrows her brows and looks miffed at Felice's overt snub. Dylan, meanwhile, is in the bathroom snorting heroin, then staggers out and over to where Gina is admiring a painting, and starts acting all weird. He gets really touchy feely with her and magnanimously offers to buy her any painting she wants, so she reminds the drugged out moron that this is a museum opening, not an art store. Across the room, Noah is shaking his head disapprovingly and telling Donna that Dylan is out of control...much like the obnoxious, drunken way he behaved shortly after his dad shot his head off. Gina stares at a messy looking painting called Tropical Tension, then reads aloud from the information card that it's on loan to the museum from the Marchette Collection. Uh oh. Dylan's all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" and starts to wig out at the mention of Marchette, then stomps off. When Gina looks at Donna in puzzlement, Donna explains that Anthony Marchette is the man who [unwittingly] killed Dylan's wife [of five minutes] ... and Gina and Noah cluck sympathetically and coo, "Oooooh." Dylan lays in bed, sweatily twitching. I guess he didn't snort enough heroin in the bathroom earlier. Gina assumes he's sick and in need of a doctor, then tells him that Donna told him about Anthony Marchette and expresses her condolences. He insists he's fine and kisses her - and she suddenly shoves him away from her and asks him if he's doing heroin again...and if so, does he use needles? He gets irked and barks no!, reminds her that they've never raw-dogged it in the sack, then snaps, "Is the interrogation over?!" Gina snaps back, "It's over! And so are we!" and storms out of the house. Sounds like a win-win type breakup, short-lived though it ends up being. Now Wear This. Kelly has been noticing a lot of leggy women heading upstairs to Matt's office, and sadly tells Donna she thinks it's a sign that Matt is moving on. David drops by the store to ask Kelly if she'd be willing to give his radio show listeners some on-air relationship advice, then mentions that he has plans later to videotape Steve while he teaches his Art of the Pick-up seminar. Kelly and Donna chuckle at the hilarity of Steve thinking he has any business teaching anyone anything, and agree that they're going to need to sneak into that seminar so they can enjoy some much needed comic relief. Dylan arrives at the graveyard clutching a bouquet of flowers to lay on Toni's grave, then has another flashback of her murder, and his hostile encounter with Tony during the funeral. He goes to where her grave is/should be and is befuddled when he sees that it's not there anymore. He marches over to the office, bursts in on some poor administrator, and demands to know whassup with his wife's disappeared grave. The bewildered man looks up Toni's name on his computer and tells Dylan that her family hasn't released that information, and Dylan snarls, "I am her family." He grabs the administrator by the collar and gets all in his face, but the frightened man just stares at him wide-eyed and says he has no further information. The Peach Pit. Donna and Kelly enter the diner and run into a morose looking Gina. They tell her they came by to eavesdrop on Steve's seminar next door and invite her to tag along, but Gina just shrugs and says she has no interest in that. She offers to give Donna her George Magazine luncheon ticket, then can't help herself from stirring the pot by remarking on all the bitchy things Felice is always saying about her, hastily adding, "I always defend you." Donna contorts her face into an expression of poutish hurt, but is forced to put a pin in Gina's mindfuckery when Kelly grabs her and steers her over to the After Dark so they can have a good laugh at Steve. Kelly and Donna sneak into the DJ booth and watch as Steve schools a group of halfwitted men who were dumb enough to shell out $250 to learn his 'tricks of the pick-up trade'. Steve plays a video in which Noah and Matt offer their words of wisdom regarding scoring with women...and Matt is seen discussing the merits of coming onto women in a more understated way, such as cooking her a nice meal. Kelly looks aghast and furrows her brows in irritation. Beach house. Dylan is slumped on a lounger on the patio when Gina exits the apartment to head to a training appointment. She tells him he needs to go 'cause she's meeting a client - but he just mumbles about how he went to the cemetery and learned that his wife's grave has been moved. Gina sits beside him and does her best to comfort him as he swigs from a beer bottle and wails, "They took her from meeee. I can't believe it's happening again!" OK, well...I can't believe we have to watch yet another of your drug-and-alcohol-induced downward spirals after suffering through your endless substance abuse debauchery during the first half of Season 5. Get your fucking shit together already, you self-destructive slouchy assbag. Kelly bursts into Matt's office and tells him they need to talk...and by talk she means snark at him about all the good looking women who have been streaming through his office all damn day. He explains that the women are actually going to the new nail salon next door, and Kelly looks sheepish and flatly goes, "Oh" - instead of, "Oops! Sorry about that." She tells him she saw him talking on Steve's video [which, pathetically enough, will feature a video within a video once the dumb thing is released on videotape] about how cooking a nice meal for a woman is a well proven technique to get her in the sack. She says she hates what how "thought out" it is, but he deftly avoids any further bickering by kissing her hand...and Kelly promptly forgets what she was irked about and leans in for a smooch. After Dark. Steve is now playing a portion of another video for his pupils in which he flirts with Janet by tearfully telling her about his poor grandmother, whose illness caused him to be sent to an orphanage. As he fake cries, Janet pretends to be sympathetic about his implausible childhood trauma. Steve tells his pupils that this is "the grandma approach". Beach house. Donna razzes Noah about participating in Steve's boneheaded video, then shows him she's totes A-OK with it by giving him a big smooch. Felice drops by with Gina, who's wearing a very Jackie O style fur trimmed outfit that Felice bought her for the upcoming luncheon. Seems like a very warm and wooly ensemble for L.A., but whatevs. Donna apologizes to Gina for getting dragged into her nasty family drama with her nasty mother...and Gina pretends to be put off by the hostility between the two and offers to give up her ticket. Felice admonishes Donna for ruining their lovely afternoon, and Gina puts on a faux sad face and covertly tells Donna she feels soooo bad about coming between her and her mother. That evening, Steve steers his male pupils into the After Dark to try out the pick-up techniques they learned in his seminar. He bellows, "Go get some!" as the guys stare around in bewilderment and nervously twitch. LOL. Inside the DJ booth, David and Kelly take calls from listeners who are seeking love connection advice. Kelly emphasizes to the female callers to go slow when considering hitting the sheets with a guy [especially the boneheads currently trolling at the After Dark] ... and while that's happening, Steve's pupils are getting slapped and shot down by the women they're attempting to flirt with. Steve races over to the booth and chides Kelly for "killing him" with her go slow sack time advice. Later, Kelly asks Matt to dance and tells him she's OK with not going slow...and that it was just advice she was giving to couples who don't know each other very well. He and his penis perk up, and Kelly presses herself against him for an intense smooch. Dylan is staggering down a dark road, looking to purchase a gun. What a hot mess he is. Beach house. Kelly and Matt are amorously going at it. They stumble into her bedroom, strip off their clothes, and hit the sheets. David's apartment. The next morning, Steve grumbles to David about how Kelly acted like such a schoolmarm on his radio show, urging women to go slow...and David agrees that it doesn't look like any of the pupils got lucky. He then picks up Dylan's jacket to move it out of the way and is startled when a gun falls out of the side pocket. He's all, "Wha-a?!" and storms over to Dylan's room, kicks him awake, and says he doesn't want guns in his house - largely 'cause of the time he himself went squirrelly after getting mugged at the ATM and accidentally shot Noah's friend during the Ricochet episode. Dylan irritably mumbles that the gun will be out of the apartment by tomorrow, then slouches out of the room. After Dark. Kelly drives Matt to the After Dark so he can retrieve his car. She invites him to go to breakfast with her, but he tells her he has too much work to do and promises to call her later. Kelly natters about how she really did mean it when she was advising women to take things slow, then says she really likes him and wants to "do this right". Matt's like, "Er...OK" and says he thought last night was "pretty right". Ugh. These two are the most chemistry-free couple the show has seen since Brandon and Susan Keats hooked up. Beach house. Gina and Donna discuss Felice's general cuntiness, and Donna says she hasn't called to apologize for the way she snarked at her yesterday - not that she expects her to, since usually she criticizes her, then acts as if nothing has happened. Gina asks her if the two of them are OK, and Donna assures her they are, particularly now that she's under the [false] impression that Gina repeatedly stands up for her against Felice. After Donna heads out, Gina immediately gets on the horn with Felice and apologizes for Donna's behavior yesterday, shuddering as she calls it "soooo embarrassing". After Dark. David decides to try out Steve's pick-up techniques and approaches a pretty blonde girl at the bar...but she just rolls her eyes at him and strolls off. Haha! A few seconds later, Steve sits beside him, and the two discuss Dylan and wonder how worried they should be about him being in possession of a gun. Um, probably a lot. A few seconds later, Steve's pupils stream inside the club and make a beeline over to Steve to tell him that they're dissatisfied with his class and want their money back. Haha! David, meanwhile, is attempting "the grandma approach" with a cute curly-haired brunette, and somehow she falls for his schtick and gives him a comforting hug. The Walsh house. Kelly drops by after being summoned by Matt. She sheepishly apologizes for nattering nonsensically in the car that morning, and explains that she was feeling nervous and insecure. He assures her it's all good, then suggests they order in dinner so it doesn't look like he's using any kind of technique to get her in the sack. The two start smooching, and this time she urges him to follow her upstairs for some lovin', which he's more than happy to do. David's apartment. Gina sternly tells Dylan he needs to stop doing drugs, like pronto. He mutters, "I know", then glances around shiftily, covertly ensures that his new gun is tucked into his pants, and says he's on his way out to see about his late wife's grave. That can't be good. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
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Recap: Kelly, Donna, and Gina are on their way to the boutique, chatting about the upcoming 'Fight AIDS Charity Dance-a-thon' at the After Dark. Kelly laughingly remarks on what a shitty dancer Matt is, and Gina perks up at that and asks, "You're not going with Dylan?" and Kelly says no. For some reason, Gina fibs and says she's going to the dance-a-thon with David - just as the new security guard, Stewart, ambles over to say hey. Donna explains to the gals that the jewelry store in the mall just got robbed, hence the added security. Gina says that the gangbangettes are probably responsible for the break-in and snarkishly tells Donna they need to do a better job of keeping those hooligans away from their merchandise. Donna argues that Sonia is doing great, then tells viewers that she employed her at Now Wear This so she could work off the money she cost them when she sliced up a dress during the previous episode. Dylan appears out of nowhere and invites Kelly to breakfast, but she declines and says they're too busy with the Christmas rush. Donna assures her it's totes OK if she bails on them, and Gina cheekily offers to take Kelly's place and have breakfast with Slouchy. Kelly sarcastically coos, "You are sooo thoughtful" then tells Dylan she's definitely in. After they leave, Gina grumbles that Kelly doesn't appreciate all the work she puts in at the store - but Donna insists that they're both very appreciative of her retail help during the holiday season. When they open up the store, they're shocked to find Sonia and a guy named Tony camped out in sleeping bags on the floor. When Donna's all, "Wha-a-at's going on here?" Sonia springs to her feet and earnestly explains that there was nowhere else for them to go. Dylan takes Kelly to the airport and tells her they're jetting off to Cabo San Lucas for some huevos rancheros. He points at the small plane they'll be taking, and she giggles with delight. Donna makes Sonia promise that there won't be anymore incidents at the store with the gangbangettes. Gina rolls her eyes in disgust at her lax attitude, then smirkingly asks her what Noah has planned for her birthday. Donna says she doesn't know, and that he's probably forgotten all about it, it being on Christmas Day and all. One of the gangbangettes suddenly storms into the boutique, gets all in Sonia's face, and barks, "Didn't I warn you about Tony?!" and Sonia pleads, "Not here!" The gangbangette shrieks, "He's mine!" and pulls out a knife, then says if she doesn't stop messing with Tony she'll be kicked out of the gang and very possibly end up in a body bag. Stewart ambles in and asks if there's a problem here, but then stares on uselessly as the gangbangette waves her knife and yells, "Body bag!" at a quivering Sonia. Cabo. Dylan and Kelly are sitting on an outdoor patio, chowing down on their heuvos rancheros. She asks him why he brought her to Mexico, and he says he's curious to know where he stands with her. (That doesn't really answer her question, but OK.) She's like, "I dunno" and tells him she's been seeing Matt...and Dylan pulls the plug on anymore relationship talk and suggests they just enjoy a fun day in Cabo. The Peach Pit. Matt advises Steve against publishing a celebrity news story he just paid $2,000 for 'cause he could end up with another lawsuit. Steve says it takes money to make money and anticipates that the salacious story will yield a good return for the Beat. Janet wearily points out that respectable newspapers don't buy their stories...but since Steve has long given up on living his life with any kind of respectability, he just shrugs in complete indifference. Noah comes over and asks Steve if he'd be interested in forking over a donation to the Fight AIDS dance-a-thon and make the Beat an official sponsor of the event...and Steve mulls that over, decides it would probably be a good opportunity to network among rich Hollywood types, and agrees to donate $1,000. Cabo. Dylan and Kelly are ambling around a flea market. They try on silly hats, and then Dylan buys a small sculpture and gives it to Kelly to hold onto while he excuses himself to transact with his drug supplier. When he returns, he covertly slips the heroin inside the sculpture and makes a point of telling Kelly that religious artifacts don't have to be declared at the border. I highly doubt that's true, but then I'm a recapper not a U.S./Mexico Border Inspection expert. David is the official DJ for the dance-a-thon ('cause who else but David is capable of MCing?), and publicly thanks The Beverly Beat for sponsoring $12,000 in the fight against AIDS. Steve pales and is all, "Wuh?" then rushes over to the booth to tell David there must be a mistake. He says he only agreed to pledge $1,000, so David explains that he pledged $1,000 per hour of dancing, and Steve looks confused, and then aghast at the misunderstanding that would have been easy enough for Noah to have clarified when Steve had agreed to pledge $1,000. David pretends to not notice his freakout, and Janet just stares into space looking increasingly despondent. In the mall, Noah and Gina are discussing Donna's surprise birthday plans, blah blah, and then she tells him that a gangbangette pulled a knife on them this morning. Noah's all, "Wuh?" and rushes over to the store to ask Donna if she's OK, and she assures him she's fine. He tells her they can't afford to have gang problems over the holidays, since it's their most profitable time of year...then turns to Sonia and tells her to do Donna a favor and take a hike. Sonia looks sad but agrees to leave, and Noah insists to a dismayed Donna that canning Sonia is best for everyone. Not sure where he gets off firing Donna's employee, but she just stands there mutely and doesn't utter a peep in Sonia's defence. Kelly and Dylan return to the beach house with bags of Mexican souvenirs. They laugh about the awesome day they just had, then press up against each other and start smooching. When Matt phones to see whassup, Kelly fibs and tells him she spent the day shopping with a friend...and while she's doing that, Dylan covertly pulls the bag o' heroin out of the sculpture and shoves it into his pocket. Kelly tells Matt they're still on for the dance-a-thon, and Dylan stands behind her and tries to distract her by nuzzling her neck. When she hangs up the phone, he smugly tells her he likes that she lied to Matt...but Kelly says she isn't happy 'bout that and insists she really cares for the hapless dolt. Now Wear This. Gina makes snarkish remarks to Kelly for ditching work all day yesterday so she could lollygag in Mexico. She pretends to not see Matt enter the store and loudly asks how long it took her to travel to Mexico, then looks faux surprised when Matt scrunches his face in confusion and goes, "Huh? Mexico?" Kelly admits that, yep, she went to Mexico with Dylan yesterday, and Matt looks hurt about being lied to and quickly hightails it back to his office. Kelly glares at Gina, who's smugly smirking to herself. After Dark. Janet urges Steve to withdraw the $12,000 pledge he unwittingly made, but Steve refuses 'cause he doesn't want to look grinchy in front of the other sponsors. He points out Muntz (and his wife Julie) and tells Janet he'd like to sponsor them for the dance-a-thon 'cause of how fat and out of shape Muntz is...meaning it's unlikely he'll last on the dance floor for more than a couple of hours. But when he goes over to chat with Muntz, he learns that Muntz has embarked on a healthy living campaign, lost thirty pounds, and he and Julie have been working with a trainer to get in shape for the dance-a-thon. Womp womp! Gina drops by Casa David...and when Dylan answers the door, she pretends she's looking for David. She asks him if he's going to Donna's birthday party, then snarks, "How was Mexico?" ... and when he declines to answer, she asks him if he's entering the dance-a-thon. He says he isn't, but that he overheard her tell Donna and Kelly that she's going with David, and this makes her wince sheepishly. David arrives home with a bag full of Chinese food, and Dylan tells him that Gina really wants to go to the dance-a-thon with him...even though he's MCing and won't actually be dancing. David refrains from pointing any of this out and is just like, "Er, OK..?" Now Wear This. Noah apologizes to Donna about kicking Sonia out of the store, but explains that he only did it to ensure her safety. Sonia suddenly bursts in and carries on about how one of the gangbangettes named Lucy is preggers with Tony's baby. She wails, "He was my ticket out!" Donna tells her to forget about the deadbeat, but Sonia explains that her master plan was for Tony to knock her up so she could escape gang life. Yikes. Sounds like an idea fraught with issues she hasn't even begun to think deeply enough about. Donna offers her her job back, which prompts Noah to be all, "Wha-a-a?" The Peach Pit. Kelly enters the diner and seats herself beside Matt. She explains that Dylan surprised her with his breakfast invitation, and had no idea they'd end up in Mexico. A few seconds later, Dylan slouches into the diner and hovers over the two, causing Matt to finally hit his limit. He tells Kelly he's no longer OK with "playing backup" and refuses to compete with someone so moody and slouchy. He then starts rambling about how much he loooooves the cheap burritos at a dive called Tommy's Tacos, and doesn't feel the need to fly to Mexico just to order a meal. After that, he gets his coffee to go and huffily exits the diner. Kelly shakes her head at Dylan and mutters, "I can't do this now" and rushes out after Matt. Gina, who has been sitting at a nearby table watching the embarrassing spectacle, shoots Dylan a smug grin. He lurches over to her table and says he's decided to move on from his Kelly fixation and invites her out for dinner. When he asks her what kind of food she likes, she chirps, "I like to fly!" ... and he perks up at the thought of smuggling in another heroin fix from Mexico and goes, "So do I." After spending the evening in Mexico, Gina and Dylan return to the boutique, where - ack! -Donna and Kelly are dealing with the aftermath of a robbery. Kelly glances over at Gina and notices that she's holding a religious artifact similar to the one Dylan bought her a day earlier. Gina places it on the counter, and Dylan stares at it longingly 'cause it's probably safe to assume it's stuffed with heroin...but he doesn't seem to want to risk the police seeing him extract his bag of drugs out of it, so he's forced to leave it behind. Kelly assures Matt that nothing happened between her and Dylan in Mexico, and that there's not going to be a next time. She wants to start seeing him again, but Matt says he's worried that Dylan might swoop in again with one of his grand gestures, which he can't compete with. Kelly assures him he doesn't need to compete, then urges him to enter the dance-a-thon with her. He laughs and warns her how terrible a dancer he is, and she promises to wear protective shoes. Dance-a-thon. Steve urges the Muntzes to throw in the towel at the first sign of fatigue, but the two look fired up and ready to dance the night away. LOL. Noah and Gina go over the last minute details of Donna's birthday surprise - bo-ring - and David kicks off the dance marathon by introducing Brian Setzer (the lead guy from the Stray Cats!) and his awesome orchestra. We then get a lot of superfluous footage of people boogying. Dylan is skulking around the mall, staring desperately at the sculpture inside Now Wear This. Unfortunately for him, the police are still hanging around investigating the crime scene, so he refrains from making a move. Three hours later, the dance-a-thon has raised $24,000 for the fight against AIDS. Steve pours the Muntzes a pair of stiff drinks in the hopes that they'll get too drunk to continue dancing. As Stewart locks up the boutique, Dylan creepily watches from a dark corner. Donna tells Noah she's worried about Sonia and her gang problems, then hints that she's bummed he forgot about her birthday. Noah ushers her toward the Peach Pit, giving her the excuse he wants to take her someplace quiet, then turns the lights on as her cast mates yell, "Surprise!" Donna beams happily, then hugs Noah and gushes, "I love you!" A giant cake is wheeled over, and Donna stares at it in a bemused way, then shrugs off whatever was bothering her about it and blows out the candles. An irked looking Noah pulls Gina into the back room and snarks about his how disappointed in her he is, then reminds her that Donna is allergic to chocolate and won't be able to eat her own birthday cake. Nope. Sorry, continuity challenged writers...but Donna is not allergic to chocolate. I doubted it so much I went so far as to do a chocolate keyword search of my past recaps and came up with two pieces of evidence that I believe refute this alleged allergy: Ahn-drea and Donna are the only two who have shown up to the pretend sorority meeting, and they're enjoying chocolate milkshakes. David lets himself in the apartment and bellows, "Happy Valentine's Day!" and enters Donna's room with roses, chocolates, and a teddy bear. Donna gives him a thank you kiss, then asks him to put the roses in some water...so David and Clare head off to the kitchen and discuss how alarmed they are at Donna's withdrawal from the world. So there. In hindsight, you maybe should have gone with a nut allergy instead. Gina gets angry and snarks back that she doesn't exist to serve Donna - yet her whole life has been "Donna this, Donna that". In the midst of railing about Donna, Donna suddenly appears in the doorway and overhears her, then contorts her ginormous face into a look of shocked poutishness and tells Gina she had no idea she hated her this much. Everyone hates you, Donna. With the intensity of a thousand suns. Gina's like, "Um, d'yuh" and says it's been super shitty to eat her crumbs all these years, then self-piteously complains that no one has ever thrown her a surprise birthday party. OK, well...I'm not a Donna fan, but that probably has a lot to do with Gina's chronic bitchiness and subsequent lack of friends. After Dark. A sweaty, twitchy, heroin craving Dylan tries to convince Kelly to go back to the boutique with him so he can retrieve something he desperately needs. Kelly is annoyed that he's bugging her after taking Gina to Mexico, and Matt is annoyed that she's even talking to the Slouchster. Kelly snarks, "It's over!" then storms away...and is dismayed when she sees that a fed up Matt has found another woman to dance with. Gina is at the bar, drinking, when Dylan slouches over to her. She tells him she saw him fighting with Kelly, and he mumbles, "Kelly who?" and tells her he really really needs to get his hands on the Mayan sculpture she left in the boutique, 'cause it'll bring him luck. Gina buys his nonsensical excuse and agrees to let him into the store. The dance-a-thon finally wraps up at daybreak. Everyone looks tired - except Muntz and Julie, who are still going strong...and Steve looks irked when the two are awarded the grand prize of $5,000, which they decline in favor of donating back to the charity. Kelly asks Matt if he would take her someplace, and he agrees and heads out with her. Janet tells Steve that because of his enforced generosity in donating $12,000 to the fight against AIDS, lots of other sponsors want to do business with the Beat...and during the dance-a-thon she was able to sell sell twice the normal amount of ad space. Steve's all, "Yay!" and the two start smooching. Donna runs into Sonia in the After Dark parking lot...and she's all beaten up from the ass-kicking she just got from the gangbangettes during the process of booting her out of the gang. She tells Donna they had ordered her to rob the boutique, but Stewart beat her to it. Donna's all, "Wha-a? Stewart?" then apologizes to Sonia for doubting her. Kelly gets Matt to take her to Tommy's Tacos, and the two enjoy cheap burritos and each other's company. Dylan and Gina are in bed together, enjoying some post-coital afterglow. He puts a pin in the canoodling to lumber into the bathroom and take a hit of heroin. Noah has another birthday present for Donna: lightly falling snow in the After Dark! He then presents her with a tacky piece of jewelry that his dad once gave to his mom...and she claps her hands together happily, kisses him, and the two finish up this pointless episode by dancing together underneath a fake snowfall. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Steve and David are hanging in Samantha's dressing room after a rehearsal of her new sitcom. David asks her if she'd be willing to give him a live air interview on his radio show, and she tells him she's flattered, but doesn't like the idea of being a spokesperson for the gay lifestyle. David's all, "Wuh?" 'cause I guess Steve didn't tell him about her startling confession during the previous episode. Samantha asks Steve if they can chat in private, then makes it clear that it's totes fine with her if he tells his friends about her newly proclaimed lesbianism. When she notices Steve's inability to stop cringing, she sadly asks him if he's ashamed of her...and Steve pretends he merely cares about protecting her privacy, but then stares into space with a stricken, holy-fucking-shit-my-ma's-gay expression on his face. Matt is smoking (in that awkward way non-smokers smoke when they want to pretend they're smokers) and staring at Kelly as she rings up customers inside the boutique. He puts out his barely puffed cigarette, then enters the store to ask Kelly if she wants to go for a drive to look at Christmas lights - but before she can answer, she gets a call from Jackie, telling her that Grandpa is so sick with pneumonia that he's having trouble breathing. The doctors want to put him on a ventilator - which goes against his explicitly stated DNR request - but Kelly says she doesn't want him to suffer anymore and asks to speak with the doctor. He quickly explains the situation and tells her he needs a decision asap, so she caves and authorizes him to do whatever is necessary to prevent the poor man from passing away with a scrap of dignity. Dylan goes to the auto storage facility where his Porsche has been sitting since Season 6. He takes off the tarp, washes off all the dust, then starts up the engine and squeals off. Hospital. Kelly tells Donna that Grandpa has stabilized since being hooked up to the ventilator - but, according to the doctor, he could be in a semi-vegetative state indefinitely. Nice going, dumbasses. Kelly and Jackie stare at Grandpa through his room window, and Kelly sheepishly remarks how hard it would suck if he's forced to spend whatever time he has left with a tube down his throat. Well duh. Jackie assures her she did the right thing. Now Wear This. Donna is helping a pretty blonde woman pick out several Donna Martin originals (bwahaha!) to try on when a teenager named Sonia enters the store, followed by a group of rowdy gangbangettes who pepper their conversation with a lot of "yos" and make hand signals at each other. Gina announces that they were just about to close for lunch, but Donna shuts her down, and then looks dismayed when the pretty blonde woman becomes so turned off by the presence of the gangbangettes that she hightails it out of the store without buying anything. When the gang departs a few minutes later, covertly shoplifting a pair of sunglasses on their way out, Gina tells Donna they should have closed the shop, then demonstrates one of the hand signals she saw the girls make and says it's obvious they're gang members. Donna bats her freakish Bambi eyes and puts on her meekest I'm-just-an-innocent-little-cherub-who-knows-nothing-of-L.A.'s-seedy-underbelly expression as she squeaks, "I didn't see it." A few seconds later, Sonia returns to the store with the stolen sunglasses and politely explains that they fell off of the display shelf while they were exiting. The Beverly Beat. David excitedly announces that Samantha has agreed to the radio interview and tells Steve he should be proud of his ma for so bravely coming out. Steve dismissively calls her a flake, but is most troubled that she has a lover who's a chick named Linda. A few seconds later, he gets a phone call from The National Whisperer asking him to comment on his mom's sexual orientation, and Steve snarks at the reporter to get a life and then wails, "I was adopted!" Well...OK. But Samantha still raised you, idiot. Matt runs into an old lawyer buddy at the hospital who's there to take a deposition for the tobacco company he represents. The buddy tells Matt he could use some help on the case if he's interested in earning a little cash. Kelly overhears the conversation and snarkishly asks Matt - in the usual judgey way she acts whenever he takes on a case that she finds to be morally suspect - if he's cutting a deal to work with a tobacco company. He's like, "Uh, maybe" and points out how hard it is for her to be impartial since her grandpa is dying of cigarette-related emphysema. Dylan pulls up to the After Dark in his Porsche. A group of young men admire the car and gush about how beautiful it is...and Dylan mumblingly agrees, then slouches towards the club. Gina asks Noah, who's tending bar for the evening, if he wants to go to a movie with her later, but he just kind of shrugs and says he's not into it. Dylan brusquely says, "He rejected you", and Gina pretends she's only interested in him as a friend...and Dylan smirks knowingly and barks, "Keep it that way." He then warns Noah to keep an eye on a drunk guy seated at the bar, 'cause he seems to have a short fuse and looks like he could be trouble. Sure enough, a few seconds later, Mr. Trouble turns his attention to Gina, notices her tattoo, and calls her a tattooed skank. She responds by throwing a drink in his face, which prompts Dylan to come to her aid and Noah to wave around a baseball bat to prevent any further rumbling. Mr. Trouble storms out of the club, while an aroused Gina gazes hungrily at Dylan. Unfortunately for Dylan, Mr. Trouble - who was one of the guys who was admiring his Porsche earlier - and his friends are in the parking lot, smashing up the car. Dylan races outside and is all, "Nooooo!", then pulls out a knife and says there's only one guy here who isn't afraid to die. Gina begs him to put the knife away, and Mr. Trouble and his friends fearfully scatter. Dylan growls at Gina to get away from his car, then stares despondently at the smashed windshield while flashing back to the episode when Toni was accidentally shot to death by her father's henchmen. Dylan is working on his car at Casa David when Noah drops by and offers to help...but Dylan declines 'cause having two broody, alcoholic-prone, emotionally damaged men on the same show (much less in the same scene) is fast becoming redundant. Noah points out that there are holes in the upholstery of the Porsche's seats, and Dylan gets all prickly at the mention of the bullet holes and grumbles at him to take a hike. Samantha is reading a tabloid rag (not the Beat) which features a snarkishly written story about her coming out. Steve enters her dressing room and calls the tabloid garbage while showing no sign that he grasps the irony of him being outraged at the fact that his mother's privacy has been violated via a trashy newspaper. Samantha asks him if he really told the reporter he was adopted and implied that she's not his real mother, and he doesn't answer and just starts whining about how weird it is for him to have to envision her sleeping with other women. Samantha explains to her horse's ass of a son that she always had feelings for women, but repeatedly squelched the desire to act on them. Steve implores her to continue squelching that desire, then despondently shuffles out of her dressing room. A few seconds later, Samantha gets word that her agent has just called an emergency meeting. Uh oh. Matt is at the hospital working on his deposition, and is called scum by one of the nurses. Kelly overhears the insult and says she wishes he wasn't working on behalf of the tobacco company, then asks him if he thinks her grandpa is to blame for his emphysema. Matt's like, "Well d'yuh" and points out that there are warning labels on cigarette packages, then pulls out the package in his pocket to needlessly demonstrate that point. Kelly says she does not get the draw of cigarettes, then snarks that with this current deposition, he's defending his own destructive habit. Yep, there's irony abound in this episode. Matt just shrugs and says he's open to representing all kinds of clients, mostly 'cause he's broke as fuck. Sonia returns to the boutique to check out a white dress that had caught her eye during her previous visit. She tells Donna she'd love to wear it for her fifteenth birthday party, so Donna takes it off the rack for her and directs her to a fitting room. Gina snarkishly asks Donna where the rest of the posse is, but Donna tells her she wants to give the girl a break. Sonia emerges from the fitting room with the dress on, and Donna gushes about how beautiful she looks. Sonia asks if she can pay her for the dress in instalments, and Donna caves and gets a pen and paper so she can get the contact information for her employer. Gina rolls her eyes and mutters, "You'll never see that money." Hospital. Jackie is alarmed when she sees that Grandpa is off the ventilator, but the doctor explains that Grandpa regained consciousness, pulled the tube out himself, and is now able to breathe on his own. Apparently, he no longer suffers from pneumonia and is doing as well as one can expect of a terminally ill man. Kelly tearily tells Jackie she betrayed Grandpa by defying the DNR order - well d'yuh - and when Dylan appears a few seconds later, she tearfully asks him to get her out of here. Dylan takes Kelly to a playground, where the two sit on swings and talk about life, Grandpa, and how Kelly wishes the doctors would just slip the poor man some morphine and let him die painlessly. Dylan stands behind her and gives her an awkward looking shoulder rub and mumbles about how some things in life are beyond their control. He says, yep, her Grandpa is dying all right...and all that remains is whether he's going to die on his terms or hers. Dylan is working on his Porsche when Gina drops by with beer and snacks as a thank you for so gallantly coming to her aid the other night. She jabbers about how figure skating was her whole life for many years, blah blah...and Dylan, who clearly doesn't give a rat's ass about her skating career, comes right out and asks her why she's trying to take what Donna has, meaning Noah. He tells her that Noah is the wrong guy for her to be focusing on, then invokes her tacky tattoo and says she can always get it removed if it's no longer working for her. Hospital. Kelly gabbles to Matt about how strong Grandpa used to be...and how weak he is now after a lifetime of cigarette smoking. Jackie rushes over to report that Grandpa isn't eating, and that the doctors want to torture him by shoving a feeding tube down his throat. Jackie doesn't like the sound of that, and Kelly concurs and says he's suffered enough. Now Wear This. Gina asks Donna and Noah whassup with Dylan, and Noah's assessment is that Dylan is a moody weirdo who's overly sensitive about the holes in his car's upholstery. Donna solemnly informs the two that Dylan's wife was shot to death in that car, and Gina's all, "Wha-a? He was married?" and Donna says that he and Toni were married (for about five minutes) before she was accidentally killed by henchmen employed by her mobster father. By scripted coincidence, she got caught in the crossfire and died in Dylan's arms. Gina's like, "Wow, that's intense" and Noah hangs his head shamefully and says he feels bad for drawing Dylan's attention to the bullet holes in the Porsche's seats. The Walsh house. Samantha drops by to visit Steve, who's taking a pretend sick day. He answers the door chowing down on popcorn and sheepishly tells his mom he miraculously started feeling better. Samantha says she knows how embarrassed he is by her I'm gay now announcement, then tells him she just got fired from her new sitcom and wryly adds, "It was a creative decision." Steve is all, "Wha-a?" and then two then start bickering about society's idea of what a mother should be, blah blah, and Samantha tells him that raising him from babyhood was the best job she ever had. Gina asks Donna why things never worked out between Dylan and Kelly, and Donna correctly assumes she's asking 'cause she's trying to size up the competition. Sonia and the gangbangettes enter the store to return the birthday dress...and Sonia takes it out of the bag, says it has a rip, then proceeds to slice it up with a knife. One of the gangbangettes snickers and sneers at Donna, "So she don't owe you nuthin'" ... and as the idiots start cackling at Donna's predicament, Donna shoots Sonia a stricken look and whimpers, "I trusted you" to which Sonia coldly retorts, "You screwed up." After the posse saunters out, Gina rolls her eyes and can't resist telling Donna, "I told you so." Kelly drops by David's apartment to tell Dylan that Grandpa is being released from the hospital so he can die at home...hopefully off camera, and never to be mentioned again. She laments how he was never able to quit smoking, then changes the subject to their obnoxious on-again, off-again relationship. She says they're definitely more than just good friends, but that she had been doing pretty good before he suddenly reappeared. Dylan mumbles about how bad for her he is, but she tells him she doesn't care and then leans in for a smooch. Dylan is having a nightmare about Toni's killing when Noah hears him moaning and pokes him awake. He apologizes for remarking on the holes inside the Porsche and says that Donna just enlightened him about his wife being shot to death in the car. He tells Dylan he knows all about bad dreams after witnessing the immediate aftermath of his dad's suicide...but Dylan isn't up for any male bonding, snaps something dickish at him, and rudely slouches out of the room. Dylan puts a for sale sign on his Porsche and stares sadly at his beloved car. The end of an era. Hospital. Jackie and Kelly find Grandpa chatting with Matt, who has just announced he's quitting his pretend smoking habit. Jackie tells her father he's being released, and the old man beams happily while Kelly congratulates Matt on his healthy life choice. He invites her out on a date, and she kind of winces...which prompts Matt to tell her that he's fully aware of how hung up she still is on Slouchy, but that there's this other, better guy she's likely missing out on. Kelly stares into space looking conflicted. Sonia enters the boutique and tries to give Donna $10, insisting that the gangbangettes made her destroy the dress, and threatened to kick her out of the gang if she attended her birthday party. That's pretty cold, yo. They now want her to do a drug run...and when Donna advises her to get out of this horrendous situation, Sonia explains that in her neighborhood, you're either a gangbangette or their target. Donna warns her that being in a gang will either get her arrested or killed. Kelly and Jackie bring Grandpa home to Jackie's and Mel's condo and help him get settled. Once they promise to not put him on a ventilator or stick a feeding tube down his throat, they surprise him with a Christmas tree and a stack of presents. Kelly hands him a large gift to unwrap, and he looks happy and excited to celebrate his final holiday. After Dark. Steve summons his mom to the club and tells her it's OK with him if she does an interview on David's radio show, and reminds her that her fans - and he - will always love her. She warns him that the interview will probably cover her firing from the sitcom and recently declared lesbianism, but Steve - who has come totally around (from less than a day ago) about her life choice - tells her to be proud of who she is. He ushers her over to the DJ booth, where David hands her a pair of headphones and gushes to his listeners about his excitement in landing this interview. Dylan sells his car to a middle aged man and stares sadly after it as the man drives off. Gina ambles over to say hey and asks him if was really ready to let the car go...and he looks tortured as he mutters, "Yeah." Gina offers to give him a ride, but he says he has something that needs doing...and that it's in a place she wouldn't want to be. Dylan shuffles over to an alley and starts burning the wad of the cash he just got for the Porsche. What a dumbass. Give it to a charity if you don't want to keep it. A shady looking guy asks him what the hell he's doing, and Dylan mutters, "Burning my wife's ashes." The guy mulls over that nonsensical response and says he has something to help him out...and by something, he means a supply of drugs. When he suggests heroin, Dylan visibly perks up, so the guy hands him a small stash, then helps himself to some of the cash that Dylan was about to set on fire. Dylan clutches his newly acquired bag o' heroin while staring into space with a tortured expression on his increasingly wrinkly face. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: David is at the After Dark, delivering another instalment of his shittastic radio show. He tells his listeners he just reconnected with his old friend Dylan, and that the rumor du jour for his return is ('cause apparently people have nothing better to do with their time than concoct theories about Dylan's sudden reappearance in Beverly Hills) that he's into diamond smuggling. David then cackles and adds that pretty much everything ol' Slouchy does is a mystery. Kelly, who's sitting at a table with Dylan a few feet away from the DJ booth, agrees that - yep - he is indeed a mystery wrapped in a riddle, then comes right out and asks him why he came back. Dylan sighs in his annoying I'm-sooooo-world-weary fashion and says he likes to keep people guessing about what he's been up to. He then proposes they blow this popsicle stand. Noah sends a bottle of champagne to Donna's table, but Donna refuses it and tells the waitress to tell Noah no thank you. Gina remarks on all the rebuffing Donna's been doing in response to Noah's gestures, including throwing away all the flowers he's been sending her. That seems bitchy and a waste of perfectly good flowers. Donna sanctimoniously replies, "He has a lot to make up for." A few seconds later, an anxious looking Noah rushes over and asks Donna if he did something wrong, and Donna says that his efforts are "all too much" and criticizes him for trying too hard. Dylan and Kelly swing by their table to announce that they're leaving, and Donna asks if she can get a ride home with them, then flounces past Noah as she flees the club. Outside the After Dark, Matt runs into Steve and starts bellyaching about how broke he is, and that living hand-to-mouth is an unusual feat for a lawyer. D'yuh, loser. Steve's like, "Sucks to be you" and warns him about how tiny a rat's ass he generally gives about other peoples' problems. Matt tells him that Kelly is inside the club with Dylan, then asks whassup with that whole thing...and Steve tells him that Dylan was once hypnotized [during a really stupid episode that time traveled to the Old West] into thinking that he and Kelly were soulmates. As a disheartened Matt chews on that, two police officers arrive at the club, head straight for the DJ booth, and inform David that he's under arrest for statutory rape. They read him his rights, cuff him, and march him for a walk of shame to the police car in full view of his 90210 cast mates and After Dark partiers. The next day, after bailing David out of jail, Dylan accompanies him to West Beverly High to have a chat with Denise, David's statutory rape accuser. Dylan encounters Mrs. Teasley in the hall and says he needs to have a quick chat with Denise...but she refuses and says it would be wrong for her to give him access to one of her students. Dylan implores her to remember what a good guy David is and that he wouldn't rape anyone, and Mrs. Teasley insists that she can't allow any of her students to be forcibly badgered, but then a few seconds later decides, "Aw, what the hell" and calls Denise over. When Dylan tells Denise he's a friend of David's, she snaps, "I have nothing to say to you!" and starts to walk off, so Dylan barks, "You're ruining my friend's life!" and tells her that if David gets hauled off to jail, it'll be all her fault. She shrugs and says there's nothing she can do 'bout that, then stalks off. Dylan slouches over to the corridor where David has been waiting and grimly tells him he's going to need a lawyer. The Beverly Beat. Samantha Sanders glances with disdain at the newly trashified cover of the Beat and tells Steve he should aim higher. Hee! Janet decides this is the ideal moment to come over and tell Steve about a bunch more leads she got of stories about celebrities they can pursue and sensationalize, and then the two briefly strategize about how to run headlines that will result in maximum embarrassment. Steve introduces her to his appalled mother, and Janet gushes about what a huge fan she is, and that she heard about her new sitcom and that she's dating her handsome young co-star. Samantha wryly retorts, "Don't believe everything you read." Gina tags along with Noah to Cartier to pick out a piece of jewelry for Donna. Gina starts in again with her drama-loving pot-stirring and tells him she has implored Donna to be a lot more understanding towards him, but Noah says he knows he's put her through a lot. She indignantly retorts, "You've been through a lot!" - but Noah tunes her out and picks out a silver angel pendant, remarking how much Donna would love it. Gina advises against buying it 'cause of how spoiled Donna is, and "what she wants, she gets". Noah quips that she hasn't been getting anything from him lately, and Gina warns him that Donna won't let him forget his past sins, no matter how hard he tries to make things right with her. Hospital. Jackie tells Kelly (and Matt, who spends most of the episode following Kelly around) that Grandpa needs to have a lung reduction operation in order to ease his emphysema-related pain. Kelly reminds her that Grandpa has made it clear he wants to refuse treatment, the doctors have given him only six months to live, and an operation will only prolong the inevitable. Jackie's just like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever" and then she and Kelly step into Grandpa's room for a visit so he can gush over his favorite granddaughter. Samantha is in a hotel, holding court with a handful of paparazzi, and then heads over to where Steve and Janet have been patiently waiting. Steve tells her he made lunch reservations for the three of them, and Samantha chirps, "Fabulous!" Her new sitcom co-star, a young hunk named Barry, suddenly appears and says hey, and Samantha introduces him to Steve...then snarkishly reminds Steve that Barry is one of the celebrities he's been writing shit about in his dumbass tabloid. Steve stares sheepishly at the floor as Samantha links her arm with Barry's and the two walk ahead. Beach house. Kelly tells her mom she's very sad about Grandpa...and Jackie concurs, but is nevertheless intent on forcing the old man to to squeeze out every breath out of his deteriorating body as is humanly possible. Kelly argues that the man just wants to die with dignity, but Jackie doesn't like the sound of that and snaps, "There's no such thing!" and refuses to pull the plug on her dad, despite his very clearly stated DNR request. Out on the beach house patio, Matt is about to light up a cigarette when Dylan suddenly slouches by and mutters, "Those things will kill you." He then turns around and tells Matt he should give him a call if David has problems paying his legal fees...and Matt perks up at that and goes, "OK." Dylan knocks on the door and asks Kelly if she'd like to go for a ride, and she shoots him a WTF? look, motions at Matt, and says, "You met Matt, right?" then says he can't just suddenly reappear in her life and expect everything to be the way it was pre Season 6. Matt indignantly informs him that Kelly is going through a family crisis at the moment, and Dylan's like, "Yeah whatever" and explains that he's better suited to helping Kelly forget about her problems than he is listening to her problems. Deposition. Matt grills Denise about having fake ID to get into the After Dark, pointing out that her very presence in the club deceived David into thinking she was at least twenty-one. Fair point. Matt also gets her to admit that she was the one who called David in his DJ booth, and then later showed up in person, uninvited, to give him that weird lap dance. Denise gets flustered at the tough line of questioning and cries, "You're twisting things around!", which prompts her lawyer to put an abrupt end to the deposition. David implores Denise to tell the truth about what happened that night, but her lawyer gets all in David's face and warns him that he's supposed to stay at least three hundred feet away from Denise. David scrunches his stubbly face in a look of torment and wails, "I could get three years!" and Denise's mom whirls around and retorts, "I wish it was thirty!" Now Wear This. Gina brags to Donna about how her new agent scored her an interview for a plum spokesperson job, and Donna congratulates her and offers to gift her a Donna Martin original - a tight blue sundress - to wear to the interview. Gina takes it into the fitting room just as Noah enters the store. Donna admonishes him for neglecting to call her, and he's all, "Wha-a?" and reminds her that a few scenes ago was criticizing him for being "too much" and trying too hard. Donna tells him it's going to take a loooong fucking time to regain her trust and make her feel secure in their relationship again, and he shakes his head and bitterly mutters, "You're not going to let me forget it." He says that a less spoiled girlfriend would have gotten over it by now and been more forgiving, and Donna's all, "Wha-a?!" and orders him out of her store. Gina, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation from the fitting room, tells Donna she's sorry about that horrible exchange, then shakes her head in fake dismay and exclaims, "I can't believe he called you spoiled." Dylan drops by David's apartment and assures him that since the writers are too lazy to bother with much in the way of multi-episode story arcs anymore, the tiresome statutory rape storyline should resolve itself by the time the credits roll. David laments how badly he feels about doinking a seventeen year old...and Dylan tells him to not feel that way 'cause it makes him sound guilty. David changes the subject and asks him what he's been doing for the past three years, and Dylan replies, "Feeling guilty mostly" and admits that he's still haunted by Toni's murder pretty much every minute of every day. The Beverly Beat. Janet urges Steve to try to act more like a grownup and be happy for his mom and her new romance, but Steve refuses to accept that Samantha is dating a much younger boyfriend. He complains that she's selfish and doesn't care about how her actions affect other people - and Samantha happens to enter the newsroom at that exact moment and retorts, "This isn't about other people. It's about me" then says he has no right to judge her. Yawn. Now Wear This. Kelly vents to Donna about how dickish her mom is being regarding Grandpa's terminal illness. The two then spot Dylan standing out in the mall, creepily staring at them inside the store, so Kelly steps out to have a coffee with him. He asks her why she and Brandon dumped each other at the altar last season, so Kelly explains that they were best friends, but lacked the special chemistry she once shared with him (Dylan). After smugly digesting that juicy tidbit, he tells her he sold his bungalow and is staying at the Peninsula Hotel, then invites her to call him sometime and invite him out to dinner. Kelly puts her conflicted face on and tells him that him being back in L.A. scares her, 'cause it wasn't something she had planned for. The Walsh house. Gina stands in the doorway of Noah's bedroom as he gets dressed and invites him to grab some dinner with her. He declines and says he has plans with Donna, then grumbles about how unforgiving she continues to be. Gina advises him to dump her asap and then criticizes her ridiculously high standards...but when Noah shoots her an are you serious? look, she half-heartedly chuckles and pretends she was totally kidding just now. Matt is evicted from his apartment after failing to pay rent for six weeks. I wonder if he's considering changing his career path. Hospital. Grandpa is going through a stack of old photos, identifying the people in them by writing their names on the back. He asks Kelly if she thinks he's doing the wrong thing by refusing the lung surgery, and she tells him there's no right or wrong decision here...then lets that sink into her own head for a few seconds. She perks up and says she needs to go tell her mom something. After Dark. David glumly tells Dylan that his trial date has been set for two weeks. Dylan points out that it's his word against Denise's, then asks him if he thinks Matt is up to the task of defending him. David just kind of shrugs and mumbles, "Kelly thinks so" and adds that Matt is a nice guy. Elsewhere in the club, Matt asks Steve if he'd be interested in putting him on retainer at The Beverly Beat, but Steve makes a blech face at the prospect and declines. Mrs. Teasley makes an unexpected appearance and further violates Denise's privacy by telling Dylan that the underage tart is regularly neglected by her shitty parents, and that she's had a particularly bad year - not counting her disastrous decision to ride David's balony pony and then blab all about it to her ultra-uptight parents. Dylan perks up at the inside dish, and a plan starts to hatch inside his muddled brain. Steve is bitching to Noah about his mom dating Barry - just as he spots Barry in the After Dark, canoodling with a sexy young woman. He storms over to the pair and demands to know whaddup, and Barry stares back at him blankly and goes, "Do I know you?" Haha! Ouch. Steve reminds him that his mother is Samantha Sanders, then punches him in the face. A couple of bouncers jump in to prevent the two from engaging in any rumbling, and then Mrs. Teasley gets all in Steve's face, glares at him disapprovingly, and snaps, "Some things never change." Beach house. Gina continues her mind fuckery and tells Donna she's letting Noah off too easily...but Donna insists he's changed, thinks he could finally be the guy she believes he can be, and has invited him over for dinner to try to prove himself to her once again. Whens she dashes into her bedroom to get some candles, the phone rings...and it's Noah. He leaves Donna a message on the answering machine, explaining that he got busier than expected at the club and will be an hour late for dinner. Gina quickly hits the delete button, then tells Donna the call was from a credit card solicitor. She then says she hopes Noah will be on time for dinner, then lays it on thick about what an utter catastrophe it would be if he were to show up late tonight, 'cause it would demonstrate that he's not truly serious about their relationship. Matt has degenerated into an ambulance chaser, but his half-hearted cold calling isn't going well. Kelly stops by his office to tell him that she blabbed to her grandpa about Jackie refusing to allow him to honor his living will...and Matt concurs on the dickishness of that and says that disregarding a person's will is against the law, and that she's right to want to ensure that it's honored. Kelly thanks him for clarifying that point...and then the subject drifts to Dylan's surprise return to Beverly Hills, 90210. Matt tells her to go ahead and pursue whatever emotional carnage she feels she needs to work through with the Slouchster, 'cause whatever the two of them may one day have together can wait. Beach house. Donna is staring despondently at the table she set for her romantic dinner with Noah. When Noah arrives at 10pm and asks her if she got his message, she snaps, "Loud and clear!" and reminds him that he's supposed to be trying to make her feel important and secure. She then barks, "Goodbye!" and slams the door in his face. Flee, Noah!! Run far and fast! Dylan goes to Denise's parents' house to lecture the two about their shameful neglect of Denise, and explains that when a teenager feels like her parents aren't paying enough attention to her, she'll do crazy shit to get noticed - like hit the sheets with a failed man-child musician who has no better job prospects than DJing inside a booth at the After Dark, for example. Dylan then tells them the sad tale of when he used to live in a hotel - and that it caused him to do all sorts of reckless things, like drink heavily and destroy potted flowers. He tells them that, at the end of the day, Denise's actions are their fault, and that they need to own up to that for their daughter's sake. The Beverly Beat is getting sued for libel for their fake celebrity news reporting, so Steve agrees to put Matt on retainer in exchange for letting him bunk, free of charge, at the Walsh house. Samantha storms into the newsroom to yell at Steve for punching Barry the other night, and Steve explains that he was defending her honor after seeing him canoodle with another woman. Samantha tells him she's not dating Barry, then reveals, "The person I'm dating...her name is Linda" and an aghast Steve looks even more aghast when Samantha blurts out, "I'm gay." Um...OK. I guess I can buy that. Beach house. Donna bitchily erases all of the phone messages Noah has been leaving on her machine, then tells Gina he keeps insisting he left her a message about being an hour late for dinner. Gina shrugs and says, "Obviously he didn't" then says she's off to stroll along the beach. When the phone rings again, Donna answers it...and a few minutes later, she rushes out after Gina to inform her that the call was for her. The guy Gina has been claiming is her new agent called to make it clear that he's not interested in representing her - haha! busted! - and Gina looks sheepish at finally being caught in a lie. She whines about how hard it sucks being surrounded by people who have everything, while she has nothing. Donna wanks her about how smart and talented she is, but Gina snaps that she's not in the mood for her pity and stalks off. Hospital. Jackie is irked at Kelly for tattling to Grandpa about her staunch refusal to honor his DNR request. An unrepentant Kelly goes into Grandpa's room to discuss the issue, then exits a few minutes later looking tearful and distraught. She tells Matt that she's now been saddled with the responsibility of taking him off life support if his lungs start failing...even though I'm pretty sure the doctors will be doing the actual unplugging - as they should, since it's what the poor man wants. Denise drops by David's apartment to admit that the unholy act that happened between them was wrong, gross on every level - but not a crime. Well, sort of not. She has informed the DA that she won't be testifying, so the DA agreed to drop the charges. Denise then says that her parents have promised to be more involved in her life...even though she's seventeen and almost an adult - but better late than never, I guess. She tells David she's sorry, and he replies, "I'm sure you are" then closes the door and asks Dylan what on earth he said to Denise's parents. Dylan says he told them about his miserable childhood, and how he hated living in a hotel as a teenager and still hates it, even though he's rich enough and has more than enough time on his hands to remedy the situation by buying himself a house or at least getting a rental. David takes that as a cue to invite him to crash in his apartment, and Dylan happily replies, "Can do!" then gets a call from Kelly, asking him to please come over and help her forget about her Grandpa problems. Now Wear This. Noah tells Donna he wants to continue bending over backwards in an effort to earn back her trust, and implores her to give him another shot. When she says yes, Noah presents her with the angel pendent he bought earlier in the episode...and she coos about how much she looooves it. As the two smooch, Gina glares at them unhappily from inside the store. She really is in desperate need of a life. Kelly and Dylan stroll along the beach as she gabbles about her beloved Grandpa and how he fought in World War II...blah blah. Dylan changes the subject to his extended hiatus from the show, and tells her he went on a dangerous mountain expedition shortly after dumping Brenda. After that, he learned to fly planes and raced motorcycles...but mostly tried to forget about the trauma of holding his murdered, dying wife in his arms. Eventually, he decided to return to L.A. 'cause it's his home and he missed his friends. Kelly says she likes that answer, so he clarifies, "I came back because I missed you" and the two hug. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: David is doing another instalment of his shittastic radio show in the After Dark DJ booth, while a drunk Noah gets egged on by a crowd of people at the bar to get even drunker by chugging shots. Bel Age Hotel. Kelly and Donna meet up with new series regular, Gina Kincaid, who's Donna's cousin and the show's official bitchy brunette now that Valerie has abruptly decided to move back to Buffalo (spoiler). Donna gushes to her figure skating cousin about her awesomeness and hands her a bouquet of roses...then introduces her to Kelly, who says she's heard lots of nice things about her. Gina's ice show manager, Arty, comes over to give her crap about her haughty attitude and complains that it's affecting her performance. Gina retorts by bitching about not getting a lead role in the show, and a fed up Arty fires her. Gina's all, "Wha-a?" but then puts on a fake smile, flounces back over to Donna and Kelly, and announces that she just quit the ice show. After Dark. David gets an on-air call from a young blonde named Denise, who says she's bummed 'cause her parents made her break up with her boyfriend...and now he's dating someone else. David clutches a Where's Sophie? poster, then crumples it up and advises Denise to move on. Noah, meanwhile, is listening to David's radio show in his jeep as he drunkenly weaves all over the road. He soon falls asleep at the wheel, and we hear an ominous crashing noise as the screen fades to black, and then the sound of da na na na...da na na na...cha cha as the opening credits roll. After Dark. Valerie pokes at Noah, who's slumped over the bar. He mumbles that he barely remembers last night, and Valerie says it's a good thing he spent the night at the club, 'cause there was a hit and run about a mile away and some kid on a bicycle got badly injured. Noah's all, "Ack!" and rushes outside to the parking lot to check on the state of his jeep...while an oblivious Valerie follows him out and tells him she's hosting Thanksgiving dinner at the Walsh house this year and hopes he can make it. She then hops into her car and drives off. Noah examines his jeep and sees that the front part is all twisted and crumpled, and his face turns ashen as he mutters, "Oh God...oh man..." The Peach Pit. Gina asks Donna if she knows of a fun venue to meet with her agent, and Donna suggests the After Dark next door, and smarmily adds that it's her boyfriend's nightclub. Steve and Janet enter the diner looking more touchy-feely than usual, which prompts Donna to ask whassup with all the intimacy. Steve pulls her aside and admits that, yep, they knocked boots, but would like to keep it on the down-low. After he heads out again, Noah stumbles in with a visible bruise on his forehead. Donna's like, "Ew, what happened?" then tries to introduce him to Gina, but he moodily snaps, "Not now!" and stalks off. What a rude douche. Valerie drops by Now Wear This to return the slinky red rave dress she shoplifted, and Kelly sarcastically compliments her on having the courtesy to return the item she stole. She then tells her she needs to come by the Walsh house sometime soon to pack up and mail the rest of Brandon's stuff, and Valerie's like fine, and invites her to Thanksgiving dinner...and when Matt ambles in, she invites him too. Matt asks Kelly if she wouldn't mind reminding Donna that she agreed to teach him how to dance so he doesn't look too dorky on the dance floor at his grandparents' upcoming anniversary party. He then says he hopes she comes to Valerie's Thanksgiving dinner, 'cause it would be nice to see her there. Mmm hmm.. Janet pitches a dopey story idea about a wife who's allergic to her husband - but Steve is too distracted by all the sex they've been having and wants to sort through the fuzziness of their commitment issues. Janet says they should just stick to being bed buddies, and reminds him that in all other areas of life, they find each other to be highly annoying. The two then start bickering, and - naturally - head over to the nearest closet to rip their clothes off and get it on. After Dark. Gina complains to her agent Chris about getting fired from the ice show, and a weary looking Chris concurs with that decision and tells her she's gotten a bad rep 'cause of her unrelenting bitchitude. He reminds her that there aren't a lot of options for washed up figure skaters...and speaking of her being a washed up figure skater, he informs her he's dropping her as a client, effective right now. As Gina's brain gets all discombobulated, Donna suddenly appears and asks her if everything OK...and Gina shrugs it off and fibs about how she just had to fire Chris 'cause of how burned out she is from skating. A few seconds later, Noah comes over to tell Donna that he blacked out during his stupid drunken joyride last night and is pretty sure he hit someone. Denise, David's caller from last night, stops by the DJ booth to flirt and perform a PG-rated lap dance. The Walsh house. Kelly and Valerie are boxing up Brandon's stuff. Kelly starts browsing through some old letters and cards and just happens to come across one that Valerie wrote to Brandon, telling him that marrying Kelly was a bad idea. Valerie looks sheepish and apologizes for what she wrote, but Kelly gets furious and accuses her of giving Brandon the idea of calling off the wedding. She angrily storms off without giving Valerie a chance to explain...even though, according to my Season 8 finale recap, the decision to scrap the marriage was initially suggested by Kelly, which Brandon then agreed with. To the continuity challenged writers, I submit Exhibit A: By scripted coincidence, Brandon and Kelly exit their dressing rooms at the exact same time. They have awkward chit-chat and exchange wedding gifts...and he reads her a poem entitled Somewhere I've Never Travelled. Kelly gets teary and tells him it's beautiful...then finally comes right out and says she no longer has any desire to become his missus. Brandon's like, "Phew! Me neither!" Noah goes to the police station and tells the first cop he sees that he's pretty sure he's the hit and run driver that injured the boy cyclist. David wakes up, catches Denise trying to sneak out of his bedroom, and blurts out, "Busted!" She promises to call him sometime, then gives him a quick kiss and leaves. A few seconds later, David sees that she left her beeper behind, so he phones the number on it and - ack! - ends up calling Denise's mother. She correctly assumes that he and her daughter hit the sheets, and angrily warns him to stay away from her seventeen year old child. Yuck, David. While folding clothes at Now Wear This, Donna tells Kelly that the cops questioned Noah for hours about his possible involvement in the hit and run. Stupid moron. Valerie drops by to try to apologize again for her don't marry Kelly letter to Brandon, but Kelly refuses to hear her out and self-righteously flounces out of the store. When Valerie tries to appeal to Donna for mercy and kindness, Donna sanctimoniously tells her that the letter was a needlessly cruel thing to do...and that ever since Season 5, Brandon had worked overtime to smooth out her mistakes...but now that he's no longer on the show, she's going to have to either shape up or find a new group of friends. Or move back to Buffalo. Valerie stares into space with a stricken look on her face. Matt is in his office, stiffly swaying to muzak when Kelly enters and watches him in amusement for a few seconds. She finally knocks on his desk and tells him that Donna won't be able to make their dance lesson...but that she'd be more than happy to give him some tips on how to boogie. Janet and Steve interview the woman who's allergic to her husband but insists on staying married to him 'cause they're deeply in love. Steve isn't into the story at all ('cause it's boring and stupid), so he cuts the interview short and hustles the old couple out of the newsroom. Janet tells him she thinks it's romantic and promises to make the story as sensationalistic as possible, and Steve's like, "Whatever" and invites her to dinner. Janet declines 'cause she has a date tonight, and reminds him that their off-hours contact is supposed to be limited to between the sheets...then offers to meet up with him for a quickie after her date. David runs into Valerie at the grocery store while she's stocking up for Thanksgiving dinner. He informs her that everyone has decided to ditch her dinner in favor of Kelly's dinner at the beach house...and that it's 'cause of the don't marry Kelly letter she wrote to Brandon that everyone is simultaneously appalled by. Valerie says she was only telling the truth, then gets upset and starts tossing all of her grocery items into his shopping cart while sadly mumbling, "I hate her." After Dark. Noah informs Gina that her credit card was rejected, but says it's all good 'cause her drinks are on the house. Gina says the ice show must have cancelled her expense account, then heads over to the nearest pay phone to pretend to sort out her finances. Noah gives Donna an update on the hit and run and tells her that the police are still investigating him to determine if he was the jerk-off responsible for injuring that poor boy. Denise is waiting for David in front of his apartment, and he stonily tells her he'll go get her pager so she can be on her way. She apologizes for not telling him she's a minor before hitting the sheets, and he shakes his head in bewilderment and says, "You don't look seventeen." Denise tells him they're in big trouble, then explains that after their doink she got into a big fight with her parents, for some reason admitted what she did and with whom, and now they're refusing to let this blow over. And by refusing to let this blow over, she means that they intend to report David to the police for committing statutory rape. Noah drops by the hospital to visit the boy who was injured in the hit and run. He fibs to the nurse and tells her he's the boy's brother, and the nurse informs him that he hasn't regained consciousness. Noah steps inside the room, sits by the lad's bedside, and puts his tortured face on. Beach house. As David and Kelly unpack their groceries, David mentions that he ran into Valerie at the supermarket. He says she's very hurt by the gang's abandonment 'cause of a stupid letter that had no actual part in cancelling Kelly's/Brandon's marriage, but Kelly just rolls her eyes and says that Valerie is always playing the victim. David says she kinda is a victim, then tells her about the molestation at the hands of Papa Malone, and that Valerie was eventually driven to shoot him. Kelly pales and mutters, "I didn't know.." and after David leaves, she stares contemplatively into space. The Walsh house. Steve tells Janet, post coitus, that he'd like to make some adjustments to their bed buddy agreement...but Janet says she likes the status quo and reminds him that she's still dating Andy. Steve gets annoyed at how casually she's treating their romps, and she accuses him of being jealous, which he denies...blah blah. Just get married, have your baby, and shut up forever. David goes to Denise's house in an attempt to explain to her mom that he had no knowledge that Denise was underage pre-penetration. Her mom glares at him and sneers, "How dare you come to our home!" and reminds him that sex with a minor is a felony. David implores her to let him explain his side of the story, but she angrily slams the door in his face. The Walsh house. Kelly drops by with a bag of groceries and breezily tells Valerie she's here to help out with Thanksgiving dinner. Valerie glares at her and shuts the door...but then Kelly runs around to the back of the house and enters through the kitchen. Valerie growls in frustration and asks whassup with the sudden change of heart, and Kelly says that David blabbed to her about her pedophile father and his provoked killing. Valerie snaps, "I don't need your pity!" and Kelly says she's merely trying to be a friend. Valerie opens the kitchen door and coldly says goodbye...and when Kelly refuses to leave until she agrees to let her help out with dinner, Valerie grabs the turkey from her grocery bag, tosses it outside, and snarls, "What dinner?" A dismayed Kelly finally throws in the towel and leaves. After Dark. A drunken Noah is once again getting more drunk on shots. When Donna rushes over to ask whassup with his constant binge-drinking, he tells her that the hit and run victim died today. Donna gasps and wails, "I can't look at you!" and he shamefully staggers to the other end of the bar. When Gina saunters over to ask Donna if everything's OK, Donna tells her she can't deal with her mess of a boyfriend - but at the same time is worried he's going to do something crazy. Gina offers to babysit the drunkard, then makes a beeline over to the bar where Noah is slumped. Steve runs into Janet at Blockbusters while they're picking out movies to watch. She pretends she had to cancel her date with Andy...and the two spend a few annoying minutes babbling nonsense without actually listening to what the other is saying. Steve sees that she's renting Dave and suggests they watch it together, but she makes a blech face and says she'd rather not. Steve puts his hurt face on and asks her why she hates him so much, but then doesn't wait for an answer and dejectedly shuffles out of the store. Gina and Noah amble around a boardwalk/fair thing...and when Noah spots a photo booth, he urges Gina to follow him inside. The two cram themselves inside the little booth...and when the camera is ready to shoot, they start smooching. David tells Matt he needs some legal assistance defusing a sex-with-a-minor situation, then explains how he met Denise and didn't realize until after consensually doinking her that she's only seventeen years old. Matt scrunches his face concernedly and says that the fact that the sex was consensual is meaningless if she's a minor. Kelly, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation, points out that since Denise managed to get into the After Dark, she must have done so with fake ID, which proves she was lying about her age. Matt thinks that over and goes, "True" but warns David that he could still be looking at jail time. The Walsh house. Gina drives Noah home and deposits him atop his bed. She then lays next to him and tells him about a boy she once liked...and that she only liked him 'cause Donna liked him first. Uh oh, unhealthy cousin rivalry alert. Noah grunts something unintelligible and passes out...and then Gina puts the strip of photo booth photos on top of him for Donna to find, smiles evilly, and leaves the room. The next morning, Donna and Gina bound into Noah's room to give him the good news that the hit and run driver was actually a woman from Pasadena. Noah's all, "Wha-a?" and gives Donna a relieved thank you hug. Gina spots the photo booth photos and grabs them, prompting Donna to ask what those are. Gina, who has decided to delay her psychological game-playing, says she'll show them to her later (meaning never), then hightails it out of the room. Noah promises Donna that his binge-drinking days are over and gives her another relieved hug. Janet shows Steve her article about the allergic wife, then hands him the Dave movie. He tells her he'd like to watch it together, but Janet says she's concerned that if they start acting like a couple, they'll be a couple...and that it will lead to one of them, probably her, getting hurt. The Walsh house. Valerie is sitting home alone, sadly eating a TV dinner when the 90210 gang suddenly barges in with a Thanksgiving feast. Kelly apologizes to Valerie for treating her so shittily, and Valerie concedes that she's done her share of shitty things to her too...and the two hug it out. Kelly then notices a cluster of boxes stacked up in the dining room and says she needs to ship those to Brandon...but Valerie puts her solemn face on and replies, "They're not Brandon's." David freaks out to Matt about possibly going to jail, while Noah tells Donna he's pretty sure that the thing he smashed into the other night was a dumpster. Everyone gathers in the living room where all the food is being served...and Valerie announces that she's thought it over carefully and has decided to finally abandon the sinking ship that is Beverly Hills, 90210, Season 9. Apparently, Michelle Phillips has asked her to move back home, and she's taking her up on the offer and leaving tonight. She admits she's hurt people during her 4+ seasons on the show, but is thankful to have such forgiving friends. She then raises her glass and chirps, "Cheers!" and forbids any sappy goodbyes. After dinner, David walks Valerie to her cab and tells her how much he'll miss her. She says she'll miss him also, tells him to never look back, then gives him a teary hug before climbing into the cab and forever disappearing from the Beverly Hills, 90210 universe. Bye-bye Val! Gina slips away to call her mom, who refers to Felice as a "rich bitch" I guess 'cause she's always been jealous of her sister for landing a doctor. Gina tells her mom that Donna has her own boutique and smarmily announces that she's decided to stay in Beverly Hills for awhile. Matt helps Kelly clean up the dishes, then tells her he had a great time tonight. She gives him a cheek kiss, and then he leans in and gives her a full on lip kiss. Mmm hmm.. Steve gathers up the garbage and opens the door to take it outside and - ack and double ack!! - runs straight into Dylan McKay, whose sweaty forehead is looking more wrinkly than ever. Steve squeals with delight and gives his friend a manly hug, and then everyone else rushes over to the foyer to welcome ol' Slouchy back to 90210. Hurray! Donna asks him how Brenda is doing, and he smirks and says, "Why don't you call and ask her?" Heh. Kelly and Matt emerge from the kitchen and are all, "Wha-at's going on?" and then Kelly looks shocked at the sight of Dylan. She asks him how long he's in town for, and he says he doesn't know, then says he's waiting for his Kelly hug. She indulges him, and then Steve pops open a bottle of champagne - a dumbass move considering Dylan is a recovering (I will assume) alcoholic. A confused Matt asks Kelly who the brooding hipster is, and she vaguely says, "Just an old friend" then stares intently at Dylan as he creepishly leers back at her with a strangely demonic look in his eyes. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Sophie meets up with David at the Peach Pit and tells him that the porn director she schmoozed with during the previous episode has offered her a [topless] modelling job. David makes a face and says he doesn't think it's a good idea, then wanks her about how pretty, smart, and talented she is, and urges her to not waste herself on soft porn photo shoots. Sophie calls him sweet, then argues that she really really needs the money. Valerie enters the diner and tells Sophie there's a guy sitting in her convertible, and Sophie's all, "Ack!" and rushes outside. The guy sitting in her driver's seat informs her he's repossessing the vehicle due to non-payment. She implores him to let her keep it 'cause she's a budding actress and needs to be able to drive to her auditions, but he's like, "Nah, don't give a rat's ass" and drives off. Sophie stomps back to the diner and defiantly tells David she has a naked photo shoot to get to. Court house. Lenny thanks Matt for helping him win unsupervised visitation with his baby daughter, Allison. A despondent Leah tells Kelly the judge ordered her to stay within the county now that Lenny has has been given full rights to her daughter. Lenny saunters over and acts all smarmy about his court win, and Kelly glares at Matt, snaps, "You're a credit to your profession!" and stalks off. Valerie shows David a mansion in Bel Air she's currently housesitting and says she's planning to throw a "killer rave" with an admission fee. David scrunches his face in disapproval and tells her he thinks it's a bad idea...and I'm sure the hapless homeowners would agree. Leah's apartment. Kelly is cooing at Allison while Leah weeps in frustration at the judge's ruling. She tells Kelly she hates the idea of being separated from her baby, even just for the afternoon. A few minutes later, Lenny knocks on the door and then barges into the apartment. He tells Leah he's taking the baby to a playground at the racetrack, which prompts Kelly to raise her eyebrows all judgey-like and go, "The racetrack?" Leah reminds her douchebag ex-husband to have their daughter home by 6pm...and when the baby starts crying from all the palpable hostility in the room, Kelly asks Lenny if he's capable of coping with a crying baby. He glares at her and bellows, "Yesss!" but then storms over to the kitchen and angrily kicks over a chair...so, nooo, probably not. The Beverly Beat. Steve and Janet are going through the last of the articles that Brandon wrote, and deduce that they only have enough material for one more issue. Steve looks freaked out and cries, "We're dead!" and Janet assures him they're not, and that she believes in him. Sort of. Photo shoot. A sleazy looking photographer snaps a few photos of Sophie, then asks her to lose the fugly pink feather-boa monstrosity of a top she's wearing. When she refuses, he threatens to withhold her pay check and then badmouth her among other photographers so she won't be able to get future modelling gigs in L.A. ever again. Sophie mulls that over, then strips off her boa top and poses for the camera. She looks sad and starts crying, but her tears don't seem to bother the photographer, who purrs, "Yeahhh! Aww right!" as he cheerfully snaps away. LOL. Donna asks Matt how Lenny's court hearing went, and Matt says he was able to score unsupervised visitation for Lenny. Donna scrunches her big face in disapproval and says that Lenny is a very bad guy, but Matt argues that Allison needs her father, however large an abusive assfuck he might be. Donna's like, "OK, whatever" and invites him to join her for dinner, which prompts him to ask whassup with Noah. She shrugs and says she hasn't seen him lately and doesn't even know if they're still dating. She adds that she could use a friend, and the two just stand and smile at each other. Peach Pit. Steve and Janet enter the diner and catch sight of a tabloid newspaper that just happens to be laying around: The Hollywood Eye with the headline "Martians Land in Beverly Hills". Janet tells Steve that, on the bright side, they're not publishing garbage like this...but Steve stares at the tabloid in fascination and marvels, "People really read this stuff!" Janet's like, "Whatever, let's talk about the Beat" then says they have a much harder job than the slack-ass publishers of Hollywood Eye, who are free to publish whatever shit they've made up. Steve perks up at the idea of making shit up and says it's a skill he's rather adept at. Janet reminds him that they have a paper they can be proud of, but Steve can't seem to let go of the idea of turning the Beat into a shitty supermarket tabloid. After Dark. For whatever reason, there's a ginormous lineup to get into the club. Noah steps outside to chat with the bouncer...and when he spots Donna arriving with Matt, he instructs the bouncer to not allow Matt inside the club. Beach house. Kelly and Leah meet with a social worker who has a history of helping battered women escape their abusive spouses. The woman warns the two that child stealing is a felony and that she can't directly help them 'cause she's currently under investigation for her role in helping other women circumvent the law. She does, however, offer to guide Leah through the process - but warns Kelly that she could be charged with aiding and abetting. Kelly shrugs indifferently and chirps, "Where do we begin?" Valerie shops at Now Wear This for something to wear to her "end of the world" rave party. Donna shows her a slinky red dress, and Valerie looks impressed and blurts out, "It's not dreadful!" - LOL - then takes it into the fitting room. Noah, meanwhile, enters the store to tell Donna that he has an AA meeting later, then asks if she's dating Matt now...but she just shoots him the stink-eye and says she's still pissed off that he refused to let Matt into the After Dark last night. Valerie stuffs the red dress into her purse, emerges from the fitting room, and gives Donna and Noah directions to her rave. She then follows Noah after he storms out of the store and the two talk about their need to do something reckless: her desire to throw a rave, and his desire to go drag racing. Seems random, but OK. David's apartment. Sophie gives David a twelve-pack of music CDs for his shittastic radio show. She says it's a thank you for the great advice he gave her to not take soft porn modelling jobs, and doesn't admit that she actually did take it. David, who doesn't seem curious about where she got the extra money to buy him CDs, suggests she wait tables at the Peach Pit while waiting for Hollywood to come knocking, and she takes him up on his offer to call Nat. Ugh, Nat. The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve that tabloids are an embarrassment to humankind, but Steve argues that they're also very profitable. She asks him what Brandon would say 'bout that, and Steve reminds her that Brandon left the show long after his character had run its course several times over [much like the way this entire show ran its course by the end of Season 4, yet here I am recapping Season 9]. Janet wants no part of turning the Beat into a tabloid and starts to storm out of the newsroom - but Steve tells her they could make a ton of money, and offers to let her be a feature writer and get a huge pay raise. She pauses in the doorway and mulls that over...and he tells her that their first assignment will be to write about a local haunted hotel. Beach house. Matt drops by to ask Donna if she'd like to grab some dinner, but Donna acts all skittish and weird and tells him she has "work plans" and will need to take a rain check. After Matt leaves, she goes back inside, and we see that Kelly and Leah are busily strategizing Leah's escape from dorkboy Lenny. Peach Pit. Sophie is proving to be a horrible waitress. She ambles around the diner with a mega-burger and serves it to a young man (Tom) who's seated at one of the tables, but he tells her he, uh, hasn't actually ordered yet. When he expresses an interest in hardening his arteries, she offers the burger to him on the house and jokingly says he'd better give her a big tip. David enters the diner, and Nat grumbles to him about what a sucky waitress Sophie is...but when Nat walks away, David fibs to Sophie and says he heard she's doing a marvellous job. He tells her he got her an audition with the film director he used to write jingles for [funny...I didn't think that guy would ever want to talk to David again], then says they can talk more about it after his radio show. Sophie heads back to Tom's table to clean it up and finds a $100 tip...then spots him at the door and rushes over. She says she can't accept such a large tip, and he tells her to keep it...then hands her his card and urges her to give him a call. She stares after him looking intrigued. Noah and Valerie sit in her fancy sports car, waiting for the drag race to begin. Noah revs the engine for a few seconds, then squeals off. As they speed along, Valerie tells Noah she's decided to turn herself in for killing her father and wanted someone to know that in case they're about to die in a fiery crash...but Noah's not really listening to her, 'cause it looks like he's headed straight for a head-on collision with the car that's headed straight for them. Valerie panics and grabs the steering wheeling, forcing the car off to the side of the road. She angrily admonishes Noah for playing a scary game of chicken, orders him to get the hell outa her car, then snarks that he needs professional help. She then drives off, leaving him standing alone on the side of the road, staring sadly into space. Sophie is at a fancy restaurant with Tom. She pretends to have no interest in his money or that of his rich family, tells him she has a boyfriend, and that she's only out with him 'cause she's trying to expand her circle of friends. He's like, "Yeah whatever" and asks her if she's ever been to Paris, then tells her he's jetting there tomorrow on his dad's plane and would like her to come along for his amusement. She exclaims, "I don't even know you!" but he says he saw her inane Where's Sophie? billboard and figured why the hell not try to tap that? He then asks her what else she has to do with her aimless life...and she mulls that over, clearly thinking the man has a point. Donna drops by Matt's office to explain that she couldn't really talk last night, then assures him that it had nothing at all to do with Noah. Matt's like, "OK" and says that since he makes a living arguing in court, he doesn't like to argue about dumb shit like this in his spare time. Donna is pleasantly surprised at his uncomplicated 'tude and invites him to escort her to Valerie's party. Beach house. Kelly and Leah return home after a day of trying to secure fake IDs, and complain to Donna about how hard it is to set up a fake identity. A few minutes later, Lenny storms onto the patio and snarkishly says he's been following them all day and knows what they're up to. As a freaked out Leah flees inside the apartment, Kelly quickly calls 911. Lenny follows Leah, grabs at her, then leans in real close and menacingly says he won't ever let her go. It's really too bad that Joe Bradley isn't around to give Lenny the kind of well-deserved ass-kicking he gave Pumpkinhead Ray in Season 6's Gypsies, Cramps and Fleas episode. Steve and Janet arrive at an abandoned hotel that's rumored to be haunted. They pretend to be city inspectors and convince the security guy to give them access to the kitchen, where one of Marilyn Monroe's lovers allegedly choked on a chicken bone and whose ghost allegedly haunts the area. Valerie's rave party attracts a huge crowd of attractive twentysomethings. Sophie finds David and fibs about how great the audition went, and that she got the role! She adds that the filming will take place in Paris, and that she has to fly out tomorrow. He gushes about how proud of her he is and says he's totes prepared to keep a long distance relationship going. Donna arrives at the party with Matt, gabbling about Lenny's mental instability...and Matt promises to call his idiot client and ask whassup with his trespassing and generally shitty behavior. Donna then asks Matt if he wouldn't mind helping Leah flee the situation by getting her some fake IDs, and Matt looks appalled and cries, "That's illegal!" Valerie makes her grand entrance in the slinky red dress she shoplifted from Now Wear This. She runs into Matt and tells him she's decided to turn herself in to the authorities for murder and sanctimoniously says it's the right thing to do. Hotel. Steve and Janet are skulking around the empty hotel kitchen with flashlights, looking for any ghosts that might be lurking around...or perhaps a shark they can waterski over. They enter a walk-in refrigerator, and suddenly the door closes behind them and locks them in. When Janet realizes what just happened, she's all, "Ack!" and snappishly tells Steve she's claustrophobic. Steve responds by giving her a big smooch, and then the two start going at it. Rave. Noah is drinking heavily and babbling incoherently to Donna. Matt sees Donna hovering worriedly over the drunkard, gets miffed, and heads toward the door. Donna rushes after him and says she's going to have to take Noah home...and Matt just nods in response and dejectedly shuffles off. Two police officers arrive at the mansion to respond to a complaint from a neighbor regarding the noise. Valerie eyes the officers and tells Matt she's going to go ahead with her confession, like right now. [Yes, pleeeeease...for the love of all that is holy...just do it so they can lock you up, throw away the key, and we never have to hear about this icky fucking storyline ever again.] Matt warns her that she could potentially spend the rest of her life in jail, and she sullenly retorts, "I'm in jail now." But then, just as she approaches one of the cops and opens her mouth to confess, she quickly loses her nerve and merely apologizes for any inconvenience. *&^%$@!!! The Walsh house. The next morning, Donna hangs out with a hungover Noah in the kitchen. I guess this means Noah finally sold his boat and then decided to move in with Steve. He tells her that his first AA meeting is tonight, and Donna's like, "Whatever" and says she needs to get going. She urges him to take his AA meetings seriously, and he stares sheepishly into space and unconvincingly mumbles, "Sure." Matt's office. David tells Matt that Valerie is hell-bent on confessing to killing her father, despite talking endlessly about it with no action to back it up, and then chickening out at the last minute. Matt just shrugs and says that turning oneself in for a crime one actually committed isn't illegal (and should probably be encouraged), but then asks if there's anyone she would listen to who could convince her not to do it. David stares contemplatively into space, then asks to use his phone. The security guy arrives in the hotel kitchen to let Steve and Janet out of the refrigerator. He correctly assumes they got it on last night...and the two make a feeble attempt to deny it, then bicker at each other about how the unplanned doink didn't mean anything. Tom takes Sophie shopping at Now Wear This, and Sophie gabbles to Donna about her impending European adventure with her new fella. David suddenly appears in the doorway, overhears the conversation, and sadly says, "I thought you were doing a movie." He asks Tom who the hell he is, and Tom looks amused and remarks, "You must be the boyfriend" then tells Sophie he'll wait for her in the car. When David calls Sophie out on lying to him, she explains that the Beverly Hills, 90210 writers - who, by Season 9, were pretty much phoning it in - had no real idea what they were doing when they cast her as a superfluous character whose only purpose was seeking fame and fortune. Since she didn't succeed at the fame part, she's taking her chances at fortune by glomming onto a rich guy she barely knows. David calls it prostitution, and she poutishly replies, "I'm sorry you see it that way", then kisses him goodbye and leaves the show forever, bringing a merciful end to her pointless arc. Police station. Valerie is looking around for a police officer to confess her crime to when Michelle Phillips suddenly enters the station and cries, "Don't!" She explains that David called her and told her about her intention to confess...and when Valerie miserably wails, "I have to!" Michelle Phillips admits that the unholy grisliness that was going on under her roof was something she should have stopped. Fucking duh. She fully accepts the blame for the actions of her pedophile husband and tells Valerie that none of it was her fault. The two tear up and hug, and Michelle Phillips urges her to forgive herself and wrap up this grisly storyline and then never ever speak of it again. Ever. Please. Beach house. Matt comes over and tells Kelly and Leah that he has a former client who's an expert forger and can help Leah disappear. Kelly asks him if he could get disbarred for doing this, and he's like, "Yep", but says he also likes to sleep at night. That said, he says he'll deny that he was ever here, offering them this service. Kelly chirps, "Let's pack!" and she and Leah rush over to the bedroom. Donna arrives home and apologizes to Matt for ditching him in favor of Noah last night. He says, "You should be" and that even though he totally gets that she's very confused about who she should be dating, it's still hurtful to him. Janet is in the newsroom, writing up the hotel ghost story. Steve asks her if she's OK with their refrigerator sex, and she just kind of shrugs and goes, "Yeah, it was just one of those freak things" and says it's instinctive to want to reproduce in the face of death. When the room suddenly starts shaking, the two assume an earthquake has just hit - even though it's just a couple of construction men jackhammering outside. Womp womp! Steve and Janet drop to the floor and crawl under the desk, where they start going at it again. Kelly stops by Matt's office to tell him that Leah got her fake IDs...and to admit to being wrong about him. Matt says he never took it personally 'cause he knows how passionate she is about helping others...and Kelly stares at him longingly, thinking she might like to treat herself to Donna's slightly nibbled sloppy seconds. Noah arrives at the doorway of the room where his AA meeting is taking place. He watches part of a testimonial...then puts his tortured face on, walks away from the room, and starts chugging from a flask. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! Recap: Brandon drops by the beach house while Kelly and Donna are bustling about, gabbling about Matt (squeal!) and getting everything ready for the opening of their boutique. Brandon's all, "Wha-a? Matt?" when Kelly shows no interest in chit-chatting with him, then finally blurts out that he was offered a job at a major newspaper in Washington D.C. Kelly pauses what she's doing to stare at him in surprise, goes, "Wow.." as she mulls over the life-changing news, then breezily says it'll be a good thing for him. Brandon stares back at her with his furry brows furrowed, clearly put out by how indifferent she is about him moving across the country. Valerie stops by Matt's office, hands him a small wad of cash, and says she'd like to retain his services so she can speak to him in confidence. She confesses to shooting her rapist/pedophile father while they struggled over a gun that just happened to be in the room at the time. The details of this killing continue to remain fuzzy. She tells Matt that her mother has threatened to turn her in, even though it was justifiable homicide - but Matt's all, "Whoa...a jury might not agree" and tells her that this beyond tedious, fraught-with-ick storyline could get wrapped up a lot quicker if her mother simply agrees to keep her mouth shut. As Valerie mulls that over, the opening credits roll...and for some reason Nat is still getting top billing as a series regular. Whaddup with the stubborn resistance to pulling the plug on that superfluous character? The Beverly Beat. David tells Steve he's worried about Sophie 'cause he hasn't seen her for several days, but Steve's just like whatever and makes it clear he doesn't give a rat's ass where she is. Janet says she's been finding Where's Sophie? posters (that include a phone number) all over Beverly Hills...and when Steve continues to snark about what an opportunistic vixen Sophie is, David snaps at him for being a jerk. Kelly, Donna, and Matt are setting up all the clothes, etc. in the boutique when Noah drops by. He snarks at Matt about something or other, then moans to Donna that he wishes it were him, not Matt, helping out with their new venture. Donna tells him how much it sucks when she reaches out to him and he responds by running away, so he agrees to get together later and promises to not flee her presence the moment things get uncomfortable. The Peach Pit. Kelly meets with Leah, who tells her she had enough of getting smacked around by Lenny, but soon after she decided to leave him discovered she was pregnant. When she delivered her baby girl a month ago, she and Lenny got into a fight about custody...and he smacked her around some more and told her that if she tries to take his baby away from him, he'll kill her. Brandon tells Steve that he called Jim and Cindy regarding his new job in D.C., and they told him they'd like to sell Casa Walsh so they can finally cash in on that valuable piece of real estate. Steve looks momentarily stricken, then pretends he was considering moving out anyway. He asks Brandon if Kelly knows he's leaving town forever, and Brandon sourly says, "Yeah, she was real busted up about it" then asks whassup with a guy named Matt. Steve puts his somber face on and says it appears he's not the only one moving on, and Brandon responds by staring contemplatively into space. Bel Age Hotel. Valerie tells Michelle Phillips that she spoke to a lawyer, and Michelle Phillips says she hates the fact that she has to be the one to decide her daughter's fate. When Valerie says she's fairly certain that her decision will be to turn her in, Michelle Phillips tells her to back off, then stomps away. Brandon drops by the new boutique and tells Kelly he's impressed, surprised, and confused by how she and Donna were able to pay for the lease, get the renovations done in under a week, and have the place fully stocked with merchandise one day after that. Lenny suddenly storms in without warning and angrily warns Kelly to stay away from Leah...and Brandon puffs up his little chest and orders him to leave, which he promptly does. Kelly glares at Brandon and says she doesn't need his help anymore, then wearily orders him to go away. Restaurant. Sophie meets up with David, who pulls out a Where's Sophie? poster and asks her where she's been. She coyly says, "Around" and tells him she managed to score an audition for a soap commercial...then stares admiringly at her photo on the poster. She asks David to accompany her to the audition so he can say he knew her when, and he looks fake exasperated and coos, "Oh boy, you scare me!" He tells her he was doing just fine without her, and she says, "I'm not" and takes his hand and kisses it...and the two stare mutely at each other. Beach house. Donna is laying in bed with Noah, and he indulges her by attempting to explain how he's feeling: walking on quicksand. He whines about how it's soooo hard to get anyone to understand his pain, then abruptly gets out of bed and pulls his clothes on. He promises to call her later, and Donna sadly whispers, "No you won't." The Peach Pit. Brandon is meeting with Matt, fishing for some inside info on Leah so he can include her story in his article about dramatic custody cases. He's miffed when he learns that Kelly has never mentioned him to Matt, or the fact that she just went through a breakup. Valerie suddenly storms over to their table and asks Brandon if it's really true he's leaving, then says his departure is really sucky timing for her. She eyes Matt suspiciously and asks him what they were just talking about, and Matt's like, "Nuthin'" and beats a hasty retreat. Valerie tells Brandon she's irked that he's not making her the center of his world and self-piteously says she won't bother him with her life anymore, and flounces off. Sophie and David arrive for her audition. She hands her Where's Sophie? poster to the receptionist, who haughtily tells her it's not a professional headshot. Sophie haughtily retorts that the casting director personally asked her to audition, and the receptionist does her best not to laugh and says, "So...you're doing her a favor?" Sophie pulls out a $50 bill and asks her if she wouldn't mind putting her at the top of the audition list, then does her tired old flip-the-bill-over-so-she's-only-handing-her-a-$10-bill trick. Sophie giggles to David and says she feels sorry for all the poor saps auditioning, 'cause none of them stands a chance against her awesomeness. David points out that these poor saps probably have agents and resumes and are dutifully taking acting classes as they make the rounds...but Sophie just rolls her eyes, unimpressed by the notion of making an effort. Kelly and Donna watch as their boutique sign, Now Wear This, is officially etched onto their store window. Kelly giddily calls their implausible business idea an adventure, and says she's extremely proud that they were able to pull this off themselves...glossing over the fact that a team of ex-convict construction workers did all the hard work of renovating the space in record time. Donna sadly remarks that Noah missed the etching of their sign after promising to stop by...and Kelly says if he keeps pushing her away, she may have to let him go 'cause sometimes love just ain't enough. After Dark. Noah is boozing it up in the office when Valerie enters with some contrived work related questions. Noah's like, "Blah, whatever" and says he wants to take her someplace...and she agrees to go with him, but insists on doing the driving. Sophie is glumly posing for headshots, grumbling to David that she didn't get cast for the soap commercial. Apparently, the casting director didn't think she was wholesome or fresh enough. Well d'yuh. David says it's probably for the best, then tells her that he once lowered his dignity and wrote commercial jingles before fancying himself too good for that kind of work, then urges her to celebrate her escape from mediocrity. He then puts on some sexy muzak, and Sophie gets all into it and poses sexily for the photographer, who tells her and David about a party he's attending tomorrow where a bunch of Hollywood big shots will be in attendance. Sophie perks up and says that she and David would be delighted to go. Noah directs Valerie to the Hunter estate, which is currently up for sale. As the two amble from room to room, Noah tells her how, in each of these rooms, his father told him he'd never amount to anything...and then moans about how he's struggling to erase all the bad memories. Valerie makes a weird segue way into a murder she may or may not have committed, but Noah just laughs 'cause he assumes she's kidding, even though she's staring at him with her not-fuckin'-around somber face on. The Beverly Beat. Kelly drops by the newsroom after being summoned there by Brandon. He comments on how hot she's lookin', then tells her he's writing a story about outrageous custody battles...and panders to her hatred of abusive men by calling Lenny an animal. Kelly insists she doesn't need his help and that, in general, he needs to stop paying her compliments and constantly trying to help her out with stuff. Brandon stubbornly insists on writing the story, and Kelly's like, "Whatever" and says she has no desire to work with him on it. As she heads toward the exit, Brandon whines that this isn't easy on him, and she glares back at him and says it doesn't give him the right to make it hard on her. Stop dragging out this departure and just leave already, Brandon. Go. Pleeeeeease. The 90210 gang has gathered for the grand opening of Now Wear This. Steve runs into Sophie and says he's glad that David was able to track her down 'cause of how worried he was...then adds that he knows she can handle herself, being the cold, cunty wretch she is. Matt tells Kelly he ordered Lenny to stay away from the boutique, but Kelly remains unimpressed and orders him to fire Lenny as his client - which he's unwilling to do, since he's a self-employed lawyer and doesn't fucking answer to Kelly. Kelly shoots him the stink-eye, then graciously thanks everyone for coming to the party...and Brandon stands outside the store, broodily staring at everyone through the window. Steve spots him and steps out to see whassup...and Brandon gets a faraway, nostalgic look on his face and recalls the first time he stepped into West Beverly High and tripped in the main hall in front of everyone, dropped all of his books, and cut his chin. Steve smiles at the faux memory, since none of that actually happened in the pilot episode, and goes along with this dumb re-writing of history and says, "I remember." Brandon recalls how Donna rushed over to him and introduced herself, and then introduced him to everyone as Greg Louganis. Nope. That didn't happen either. He grins and remarks, "She really saved my butt" and credits the 90210 gang with making him feel right at home. Steve says he has a few leads on where he might move to, but Brandon tells him it won't be necessary 'cause he's changed his mind about moving and has decided, "This is home." Say what?? Steve's like, "Er...OK" and goes back into the store to make the startling announcement. When Kelly hears about Brandon's change of plans, she looks less than thrilled...as does Brandon when he sees her reaction. Sophie and David are mingling with the glitterati at the Hollywood party. The host, a film director, tells Sophie she's just what he's looking for, and she's all, "Oooh...hee hee, really..?" David, meanwhile, is mistaken for a porn actor and quickly gets a clue that everyone at the party is part of the adult film industry...and that the director Sophie is talking to directs naked flicks. David rushes over and discreetly gives Sophie a heads up, and the two make a beeline for David's car. The Beverly Beat. Brandon meets with Kelly and Leah to discuss his article, and he promises to paint Leah as the victim. Leah seems satisfied with that and heads out...but Kelly hangs back to tell Brandon she knows full well that he wants the D.C. job, and that if he doesn't take it, he'll always regret it. Brandon refuses to discuss the issue and stonily tells her he has work to do. Sophie and David are looking over her headshots from the photo shoot...but Sophie isn't impressed, then says she's broke enough to throw all caution to the wind and call the porn director to see if he has a role for her in his next nudie film. David urges her to be patient and assures her that her chance will come. Beach house. Brandon comes over to whisk Kelly down to the beach. He tells her that during Seasons 1-8 he was always so frightened of night swimming, then strips off his clothes and runs into the water. Kelly's like, "Aw, what the hell" and strips off her clothes and runs after him shrieking, "Brannnnndon! Wait for me!" After the night swim, Brandon and Kelly huddle under a blanket and warm themselves by a fire. Kelly admits to being afraid of the unknown in the water at night, while Brandon says he's most frightened of the tide, particularly how everything - including all traces of him - get washed away. Kind of like what happened to Shannen Doherty after she got fired in Season 4. He says he's reluctant to become a responsible adult, but Kelly reminds him that they all have to grow up and follow their own paths in life. Brandon apologizes for not being a good enough friend to let her move on from their relationship, then decides he wants to plunge into the ocean a second time. Kelly approves of the metaphoric swim and tells him she's very proud of him. Sophie asks David to drive her someplace so she can show him something...and that something turns out to be a billboard version of the nonsensical Where's Sophie? poster. She plops herself onto David's lap and tells him she hopes it leads to something, then thanks him for worrying about her...but assures him she'll make it in showbiz. But if not, she can always crash at her sister's Melrose Place apartment and take up with her brother-in-law. Heh. Steve brings Brandon to the Peach Pit for a Surprise! You're moving away! party. Brandon argues that he's not going anywhere, but Valerie firmly retorts, "Yes you are" and says he needs to get out there and live his life, however much it hurts them to watch him go. Brandon's like, "Yeah, OK" and makes a beeline to the nearest pay phone to grovel to The Chronicle for his job back. Noah, meanwhile, apologizes to Donna for being so out of touch lately. She tells him she understands his daddy death problems, but says at some point he has to give something back so he's not just a broody regurgitation of Dylan, circa Season 5. Matt tells Kelly that he read Brandon's article and found it to be very fair, but Kelly snarks that she's less interested in Lenny's rights than those of his infant daughter, and barks at him to protect that baby. What an insufferable bossy boots she is to him. Over in the After Dark, David admits to Steve that he prolly should have been more open about hitting the sheets with Sophie, but assures him that he doesn't like her enough to blow an eight year friendship. Steve concurs, and the two share a man hug. Michelle Phillips shows up at the Peach Pit to inform Valerie that she won't be turning her in to the authorities after all. She makes it clear that she doesn't forgive her for shooting her husband, but is keeping quiet about it 'cause she doesn't want people to know about the unholy acts that were repeatedly occurring right under her nose. Valerie snarks at her for keeping the secret just to keep up appearances, and that she's tired of feeling dirty and afraid and wants closure. Yes, it would be nice to get closure from his awful, awful storyline. Across the diner, Brandon tells Kelly he got his Chronicle job back...and the two agree that neither has regrets about anything, then hug. Donna tries to call Noah...and when she's unable to reach him, she scrunches her big face in disappointment. Noah is at the Hunter estate, staring at a framed photo of his father. He smashes it against the wall, then bursts into tears as he tosses his father's things into the fireplace. The Walsh house. Brandon has finally finished packing his stuff, then tells Steve that he spoke to his parents, and they decided they're A-OK with Steve living in their house indefinitely...'cause, yeah, that's plausible for homeowners who live on the other side of the world. Steve thanks him for not uprooting him, then looks anguished as he says how tough it is to say goodbye. As Brandon packs up his car and leaves the 90210 zip code for the last time, David bids him farewell from his DJ booth at the After Dark, while Kelly sadly stares out at the ocean from her balcony, wondering how on God's green earth this show continued to hobble along for another two seasons. Sorry, that was me, projecting. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly is sitting in the dark in the beach house living room, brooding because it's been three days since Brandon left for New York...and he hasn't called her to let her know how his job interview went. Not sure why this would be an issue now that these two have decided to definitely, absolutely, for sure split up - move on! Donna helps her analyze the possible reasons he couldn't get to a phone...blah blah...then shifts the subject to tomorrow's memorial service for Papa Hunter: another snorefest of a storyline. Kelly turns on the TV and moans about how she doesn't know what to do with her life...and Donna advises her to consider all of her options and assures her that sooner or later she's likely to stumble upon something she likes. Sophie is quietly getting dressed in the dark when David wakes up and calls her out on how she's always sneakily leaving his bed in the middle of the night. She tells him that their hookup is moving so fast, and that sneaking back to the Walsh house before dawn is her way of slowing things down. She bullcacks about how she's on the waiting list for a UC dorm room, and that she'd prefer to not alienate Steve, the only guy dumb enough to not see through her con artist ways and offer her a place to live. David goes, "What if I did?" ... but when Sophie asks him if he's really inviting her to move in with him, he just stares back at her blankly. She rolls her eyes at his non-answer, snaps, "I'm outa here" and heads out. At the grave-side funeral, Mama Hunter is speaking on behalf of her late husband while Noah stares stonily into space. When Mama Hunter finishes her speech, Noah takes her place in front of the mourners but can't bring himself to read his prepared eulogy. He mumbles something about how his father liked martinis, then leaves it at that and hightails it across the cemetery while chugging from a flask. That scene probably shouldn't have made me laugh out loud. The Beverly Beat. Steve has installed Sophie as the Beat's newest columnist - a decision that fails to impress Janet. Janet tells Steve she's been working on an online version of the Beat, then shows him the homepage of beverlybeat.com...and that if all goes well, the website could result in more readers and paying subscribers. Sophie stares at the homepage with disdain and haughtily says that a website is a great idea, "just not this one" as if a self-involved airhead like herself is any kind of web expert. She suggests they install a live webcam to capture all the "hustle and bustle of the newsroom", and Janet looks around at the nothingness currently going on in the newsroom and mutters, "Yeah, that's happening" - LOL - while Steve perks up at the bonehead idea and promises to pick up a webcam asap. Bel Age Hotel. Carl is having lunch with Valerie at the hotel restaurant, gabbling excitedly about how much he digs her ever since they doinked the night before his wedding. Valerie's like, "Gross" and admonishes him for calling her while on his honeymoon with her mother, then tells him she considers their doinkfest in Las Vegas a huge mistake. Michelle Phillips enters the restaurant, cluelessly suspects nothing when she sees the two sitting together, and gaily joins them for lunch. Beach house. Donna and Kelly return home after Papa Hunter's funeral...and Donna moans about all the work on her Donna Martin originals she has ahead of her. Kelly tells her she was doing a lot of thinking during the funeral and that she's finally decided what to do with her life and pronounces, "I'm going to live it." Er...OK. Seems about as dumb and vague as when she declared I choose me when both Brandon and Dylan were vying for her affections, but whatever. She manages to persuade Donna to put off working on her designs for a few hours and join her for coffee and a leisurely walk. The Beverly Beat. David installs a webcam so that the viewers of beverlybeat.com can keep up with all the non-existent hustle and bustle of the newsroom. Janet stands in front of the camera and hands Sophie her article with red edits scribbled all over it (haha!) and Sophie responds by shooting her an angry stink-eye. David tells Steve he's not thrilled about him giving Sophie her own column, so Steve explains that he mostly did it so he can spend more time with her...'cause why hire columnists on the basis of their writing abilities? David asks him if he's ever considered the possibility that she's not interested in him, and Steve says he's considered that...but then quickly puts the thought out of his mind 'cause he prefers living in a fantasy world. During all this, the webcam is capturing the riveting footage of Sophie sitting at her desk, putting on lipstick. Kelly and Donna amble into a small shopping center, where Kelly spots a cute blonde guy - it's our first sighting of Matt! - sitting at a table in a coffee shop. She rushes over to a magazine stand so she can more covertly ogle him. After he leaves, she notices an empty store space that's available for lease, then announces to Donna, "We just found our new workplace!" and whips out her cell phone and calls the number on the for lease sign. Donna just stares at her in bewilderment and is all, "Wha-at's going on?!" After Dark. Sophie stands in front of the glass DJ booth, dancing sexily for David while he broadcasts his shittastic radio show. Michelle Phillips arrives at the club to inform Valerie that Carl wants an annulment and asks her daughter if she has any clue as to what may have happened there. Valerie dismissively tells her that Carl's a jerk - but Michelle Phillips ignores the insult and continues to ponder her marriage mess, noting that Carl seemed happy at lunch, and that she deludedly thought he was the one. Valerie gives her a comforting hug while staring sheepishly into space. Noah is driving his jeep and chugging from his flask. A police officer spots him weaving in both lanes and pulls him over and orders him to step out of the vehicle. He asks Noah to count backwards from 100, then recite the alphabet...and Noah giggles stupidly and mumbles about how "D is for death". The unimpressed police officer arrests him for driving under the influence and being in possession of an open container of alcohol while driving. Sophie drops by David's apartment to show him the latest issue of The Beverly Beat, which somehow features her mug on the lower left corner of the cover. David asks her if Steve has any clue that she's only pretending to be friends with him simply to get whatever she can out of him, and she angrily snaps, "Take that back." David retorts, "I wish I could" and the two mutely glare at each other. A realtor is showing Kelly and Donna the vacant store space when Matt drops by. He tells them he's a lawyer and has an office upstairs, then asks if they're the new tenants...and if so, he has a list of ex-convict clients who could help them with any renovations or construction work they need done. Donna briefly steps away to take a phone call and learns that Noah has been arrested for DUI. Matt asks her if her drunken friend has an attorney - but before Donna can answer, Kelly chirps, "He does now!" After Dark. Carl corners Valerie in the parking lot, and she irritably snaps, "Leave me alone!" Carl complains about her not returning his calls, and that he annulled his marriage 'cause he thought they might start something. What a dumbfuck. Valerie makes it clear that she hates him, along with herself for ruining her mother's life...especially when she was supposed to be living a life of decency after her recent AIDS scare. She snarls at him to go away, then flounces into the club. The Beverly Beat. Janet continues to be justifiably annoyed by Sophie's presence in the newsroom, particularly the way she strategically places herself in front of the webcam. Sophie tells Steve she's working on a column about David to generate some much needed publicity for his new radio show, and Steve tells her he thinks that that kind of brazen nepotism is an excellent idea for the Beat. He then gushes about what a huge hit she is with webcam viewers - LOL - and wanks her about how she's going to be a big star. Matt accompanies Noah to court...and when Noah is called before the judge to enter a plea, he blurts out, "Not guilty!" before Matt has a chance to speak on his behalf. After they leave the courtroom, Matt warns Noah that he could get probation or lose his license if he's found guilty...which he is 'cause he was definitely driving drunk, the dumbfuck. He then hands Noah his business card and says to give him a call if he actually wants legal representation. After Dark. Michelle Phillips appears and asks Valerie if she's heard from her soon-to-be ex, and Valerie blurts out, "I slept with Carl!" Michelle Phillips stares at her in stunned horror, then shrieks, "You are sooo sick!" and Valerie angrily retorts, "Yeah, well, sleeping with your father will do that." Ew. Michelle Phillips puts her sad face on and says she had no idea she hated her so much, so Valerie snarks at her for knowing about the abuse, but doing nothing about it. She then informs her mother that her incest-loving pedophile pop didn't actually commit suicide and snarls, "I killed him." Michelle Phillips looks shocked and appalled, then closes her eyes in order to let the horror of Valerie's admission sink in. Kelly and Matt are watching a group of ex-convicts fix up their new store. Matt tells her he's waiting for a client who's going through a divorce and custody battle...and when the client arrives a few minutes later, it's - ack! - wife-beater Lenny from last season's The Elephant's Father episode. Kelly scrunches her face in confusion and says he looks familiar, but that she can't quite place him. Kelly and Donna start stocking their newly renovated store space with Donna Martin originals - those ex-convicts are extremely speedy workers - and Matt drops by and compliments Donna's shittastic designs. He tells her that Noah hired him as his attorney, then offers to help her transport the rest of their boxes. Kelly returns to the store after having stepped out for a few minutes and notices that Matt left behind his files, then gets nosy and snoops through the file on top. She sees a photo of Lenny and his wife Leah, and suddenly remembers that Leah came to the Wyatt Clinic for treatment after being domestically abused. After Dark. David sees Sophie enter the club, hand in hand with Steve. He makes a beeline over to their table and tells the two he just got a call from a listener who isn't sure if his girlfriend is really interested in him. Sophie quickly informs David that they're here to interview him for the Beat in order to generate publicity for his radio show...but David just shrugs disinterestedly and continues to gabble about his caller's predicament. Steve says he thinks the caller's girlfriend should just tell the truth about whether or not she's into the guy...and while he's saying that, Sophie is shooting the stink-eye at David. A drunken Noah arrives at the beach house to bare his soul to Donna - but she refuses to listen to him natter about his problems while in a drunken state. She reminds him he's due in court tomorrow and offers to call him a cab. The Beverly Beat. David drops by the newsroom at 3:00am after being summoned there by Sophie. He tells her that this sneaking around crap is over...starting now, I guess. She cocks her head coquettishly and asks, "Are we?" and I guess the answer to that is no, 'cause the two start rubbing up against each other and then earnestly smooch. When David realizes they're making out directly in front of the webcam, Sophie tosses her sweater over it...but as they continue to smooch and then strip off their clothes, the sweater slips off the camera and captures their ugly bumping in all of its glory. The Walsh house. Steve happens to be in the kitchen at that moment, fixing himself a snack. He logs onto beverlybeat.com - I guess to catch all the hustle and bustle of the newsroom at 3:00am - and sees the grainy footage of Sophie and David getting it on. Kelly barges into Matt's office and bitchily asks him how he sleeps at night, then snarks about what a monster his client Lenny is. She explains that she met Lenny's wife at a medical clinic she worked at last season and learned that he's a chronic wife-beater. Matt reminds her that he's a lawyer and that just 'cause he represents clients doesn't mean he condones their behavior. Kelly glares at him and sanctimoniously snarls, "I'm sure battered women across the U.S. will be moved." Steve storms over to David's apartment with several boxes of Sophie's stuff. When David answers the door, Steve throws the boxes at him and barks, "She's moving out!" Bwahaha! Sophie rushes over in her t-shirt and pajama bottoms, and Steve glares at her with disgust and yells at her to have the decency to at least put a robe on (!) then calls her an opportunist and a selfish bitch. He angrily tells David that he saw the two of them going at it on the Internet, then storms back to his car. Sophie grabs her boxes and snappishly tells David that an invitation to move into his place would be really nice right about now - but David just glares at her and accusingly retorts that Steve wouldn't be so upset if he thought he had some kind of chance with her. He then calls her out on her bullcack about being on the waiting list for a UC dorm room, remarking that she hasn't been to class in weeks, and also knows that she's been spending all of her student loan money on frivolous crap. Sophie meekly says she has other spending priorities - LOL - and when David accuses her of being deceptive, she grabs her boxes and storms off to God knows where, given that she's just alienated the two people she's been able to freeload off of since her arrival in Beverly Hills. The Walsh house. Michelle Phillips is railing at Valerie for doinking Carl, and Valerie explains that the sole reason she had invited her to fly out to L.A. was to beat the dead horse's head that is the incest storyline involving her dead father by hashing the whole dumb thing out again...and was miffed that she dragged Carl along. Michelle Phillips stares at her incredulously and barks, "You staged a suicide!" and Valerie stonily retorts, "He got what he deserved." Michelle Phillips scrunches her face angrily and gives her an ultimatum: either she turns herself in or she'll tattle on her to the authorities. Court house. Matt is delivering a vigorous defence of Noah's DUI charge, accusing the police officer of using an unreliable breathalyzer. The judge reminds Matt that Noah was driving erratically...then goes, "Whatever" and fines him $1,000 along with an order to attend AA meetings. The Beverly Beat. With no one left to sponge off of, Sophie crashes on the couch in the newsroom - in full view of the webcam. She snuggles under a blanket and tries to look as sad and pitiful as possible. After Dark. David gets a call on his radio show from a listener who found his girlfriend in bed with another guy. Yeesh. David urges him to dump her like yesterday's news, then bloviates about how this kind of thing happens to a lot of people. Kind of like the time he cheated on Donna by doinking Ariel Hunter in the back of a limo during the Season 4 finale. Donna's at home, reading aloud the eulogy that Noah wrote for his father but was unable to deliver during the funeral...and as she's reading it, we see that Noah is driving his jeep - hopefully not while under the influence - and weeping. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Kelly ambles into the kitchen at the beach house and remarks to Donna that Noah has slept over the last three nights in a row. She asks if he'll be moving in, and Donna shrugs and says she has no idea what his plans are. Donna's assistant, Carrie, drops by to pick up a stack of designs that need revisions, and Carrie lays it on thick about how super talented Donna is. Brandon arrives with coffees and tells Kelly he can give her a job recommendation, but she tells him she's actually OK being unemployed for awhile. Noah emerges from the bedroom and grunts at Donna that he and Brandon are going down to the police station to pick up his dead dad's things. After they leave, Donna tells Kelly she really really hopes Noah moves in, and Kelly urges her to come right out and tell him that...then notices that Brandon left his cell phone behind. Police station. Noah asks Brandon to write an obituary for his father and publish it in the Beat, but Brandon says he's too busy chasing human interest stories about undocumented pregnant ex-convicts who work in sweatshops. When Noah gets the packet of his father's things, he's aghast that it includes the gun he used to blow his head off. The cop shrugs and tells him this ain't no warehouse and that he has to take it along with the rest of his stuff. When Noah continues to bitch and moan at the injustice of being forced to take possession of the gun, Brandon grabs the packet and heads outside. Valerie cooks breakfast for her mom and Carl, and they thank her for her hospitality over the last few days. David drops by for a needless visit and remarks to Valerie that she's suddenly a lot more upbeat than she's been lately, and that he's glad she didn't spill the beans to her mom about killing her father 'cause no good could possibly come of that. Michelle Phillips tells Valerie that she and Carl are getting married in Las Vegas in a couple of days, and wants her to be her maid of honor. Valerie gives her a hug and squeals, "I'd love to!" then gives Carl a creepy, lingering hug. Sophie stands in the Walsh driveway, looking over her to-to list and checks off 'get start in the business'. Did I miss something? Did she suddenly get a movie role, or a Keeping Up with Sophie reality show we don't know about? Steve toddles behind her and carries her school books, staring admiringly at her new '65 Mustang. It's unclear who she hustled to afford that lovely classic. Sophie tells him he shouldn't have to sleep on the couch anymore and suggests they share the bed in his room - but only as platonic bedmates, of course. Steve grunts something unintelligible to that and invites her to go with him to Donna's parents' 25th wedding anniversary. She chirps, "Sure!" then drives off without taking her books. After Dark. Donna meets with prospective client Paul Jankowski, who remarks that her partner delivered a very impressive presentation to him the other day. Donna's all, "Wha-a?" and scrunches her big face in confusion and says she doesn't have a partner. Paul's like, "Yeah, whatever" and tells her that the home office in Chicago is eager to see her designs...and if all goes well, her clothing line could go national. After the meeting, Donna finds Noah slumped in his jeep, shooting stink-eyes at his father's gun. When Donna asks whassup with him clutching the weapon, he retorts by aiming it at the sky and firing. Donna wigs out and tells him his tough guy act is starting to wear thin. Steve chases after Sophie to bring her her school books. He's behind her in traffic and calls out to her, but she doesn't hear him and keeps driving along in her '65 Mustang. Brandon drops by the Hunter estate to interview Mama Hunter about her late husband. I guess he decided to write the obituary after all. Mama Hunter tells him that her husband loathed the company and eventually became numb to his life of being an uber-rich businessman...and when the company collapsed, he collapsed along with it. She then instructs Brandon to include in the obituary that Papa Hunter had always aspired to be an artist [but went into business regardless, even though no one put a gun to his head - pardon the expression - and forced him to live a life he didn't want]. Steve tails Sophie to a cafe, where she meets up with David. She gives him a playlist for his KVIB audition, and the two smile flirtily at each other...while Steve watches, crestfallen, through the cafe window. The Walsh house. Valerie is in her room getting dressed...and when she hears Carl approach, she unzips the back of her dress so she can ask him to zip her up. She has some serious issues, that Val. Carl flinches at the request since he's about to become her stepdad, but Valerie breezily says her dad always used to zip her up. Gross, Valerie. Kelly drops by the house to return Brandon's phone, and Valerie grimly tells her they're all going to Vegas, where her mom will marry her moron boyfriend. Brandon's phone rings, and Kelly answers and talks to someone named Suzy, who wants to know if she and the male owner of the phone are on for tonight. Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" then decides she too needs an out-of-town vacay. She begs Valerie, "Take me with you!" and Valerie agrees, but makes clear that it doesn't mean they're friends. Kelly makes a blech face and mutters, "God no." Boat. Brandon tells Noah about the chat he just had with his mom, and learned about all the pressures his father was under, along with the interesting tidbit that he always wanted to be a sculptor. Noah stares broodily at his father's gun and mutters about how the jerk ruined their lives when he shot himself. Brandon agrees that, yeah, he was a miserable sad sack - but on the upside, he loved his family. Noah snappishly disagrees. The Walsh house. Steve walks Sophie to her car as she performs her usual morning routine of pretending to head off to campus. He tells her she forgot her books yesterday, and she deflects the issue by chiding him for not sleeping with her in his bed, as she had weirdly suggested. Steve says he got home too late and didn't want to disturb her, then bullcacks about how he totally lost track of time last night while he was out romancing his new starlet friend. Sophie looks intrigued by Steve's showbiz connections. Las Vegas. Valerie and Kelly are at the casino, having a fun time gambling. Michelle Phillips says she's tired and is going up to her room to sleep, and Valerie overhears the exchange and offers to keep Carl company. As Kelly continues to gamble, she gets hit on by a cute guy named Henry. Boat. Donna helps Noah pack up his things, and he's being a sullen, snappish prick. She tells him she's very worried about him...and he tears up and says he thinks about his father every night, specifically what a selfish douchewad he was. He then turns down Donna's offer to move into the beach house and tells her he'll just crash inside his After Dark office. The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Brandon that there's no room for Papa Hunter's obituary on page three, but Brandon doesn't want to hear it and bitchily barks, "Make it fit." Steve argues that an obituary of a riches to rags businessman is not what their readers want, so Brandon sanctimoniously says he's taking it upon himself to give the readers what they need. He then gabbles about Papa Hunter's legacy, and how important it is for people to do something meaningful with their lives and not just settle for being average. Janet and Steve look unimpressed with his nonsensical rambling and just stare at him blankly. Las Vegas. Valerie and Carl have fun bantering as they people watch in the casino. Carl yawns and says he's finally ready to hit the sack, and Valerie follows him into the elevator. As they mill around in front of his room, she tells him she's not tired yet, then leans in for a smooch...but breaks away when - ack! - Michelle Phillips comes out and says she thought she heard familiar voices. She canoodles with Carl and thanks Valerie for taking such good care of her fiance. Back in LA, the rest of the 90210 gang has gathered to celebrate the Martins' 25th wedding anniversary. Noah is drunk to the point of stumbling around and slurring his words, and Donna just stares at him from several feet away, frowning in disapproval. Brandon and Steve talk about Steve's imaginary starlet, and when David arrives at the party, Steve makes a beeline over to him and gives him shit for hanging with Sophie at the cafe the other day without his authorization. Papa Martin introduces Brandon to reporter Lou Jessop from The Chronicle, and he pretends to be a fan of The Beverly Beat and an avid admirer of Brandon's writing. Brandon, who is also visibly drunk, babbles nonsensically about how he's not a real journalist, then stomps off. Donna gets up in the front of the room and thanks everyone for coming to her parents' party - but before Papa Martin can make a toast, Noah staggers over and rambles incoherently at the crowd for several minutes, then raises his glass to "the Martians". LOL. After Dark. The next morning, David chuckles at Noah, aka "the toastmaster" and tells him he made quite a giant arse of himself in front of Donna's family and friends. Noah is mortified at his drunken behavior, which he doesn't even remember, and stumbles up to his office to find an aspirin. Sophie drops by to flirt some more with David, and he firmly tells her they have to stop whatever it is they've started 'cause Steve is his friend and doesn't deserve to get hurt. He then urges her to find somewhere else to crash and stop leading Steve on. Sophie puts her pouty face on and quietly whimpers, "You don't want me?" Donna arrives for a meeting with Paul Jankowski and is shocked to learn that Carrie is now employed at his firm. She accuses Carrie of taking all the credit for her designs and threatens to blow the whistle on her. The Beverly Beat. Brandon is annoyed that Steve approved the placement of Papa Hunter's obituary on page six instead of page three. He then starts bitching about his own "legacy of nothing", and Steve tells him he's slowly turning into a bitter, middle-aged man. Brandon snarks back that he's no one to talk since he invented a starlet girlfriend to make Sophie jealous. Steve ignores the jab and urges him to call Lou Jessop asap and show him the kind of writing he's capable of. Beach house. A sheepish Noah drops by to apologize to Donna, and she angrily replies, "Apology not accepted" then admonishes him for ruining her parents' anniversary party. He says he called her dad to apologize and he seemed cool about the whole thing - but Donna says she's mostly vexed that he won't let her help him work through his pain...and then the topic somehow shifts to Carrie's betrayal of Donna by lying to Paul Jankowski in order to get a job, blah blah. After Dark. Sophie, who's sitting at a table with Steve, eyes David while he DJs on stage and nervously delivers his "yo yo bro" awkward white man urbanspeak. Sophie heads over to a pay phone and calls David's cell to surreptitiously tell him he's doing great, and that he just needs to keep his cool. She then makes her voice all husky sounding and tells him he's exciting...and that she doesn't want to hurt Steve, but can't stop herself from thinking about him whenever she's with Steve. Las Vegas. Kelly continues to hang out with Henry and play craps. She tells him she came to Vegas to forget her troubles...then gets distracted by the sight of a bride walking by. Kelly wanders away from the craps table and stares wistfully at the poofy white gown. Valerie and Carl have just finished hitting the sheets - ew, gross, blech - and both look guilty and sheepish. Carl quickly gets dressed and flees - just as Kelly walks by the room and puts two and two together. She glares at Valerie and coldly announces that she's flying home in the morning, and Valerie hangs her head in shame and starts weeping. Wedding chapel. The next morning, Michelle Phillips and Carl say their I dos and are promptly pronounced husband and wife. Valerie pretends to be happy for them and gives her mom a hug, and then her mom urges her to also give her official stepdad a hug too. The two do their best to avoid eye contact as they lean forward and awkwardly embrace. Beach house. A contrite Carrie comes by to tell Donna she got fired because Paul hated her designs. I guess they weren't up to the high standard of Donna Martin originals. She apologizes for her deceptive douchebaggery, but Donna just eyes her coldly and says that what she did was not OK, even if she feels like shit about it now. Donna then gets a phone message from Paul Jankowski, telling her he'd like to get together again to further discuss her clothing line. Brandon meets with Lou Jessop, and is stunned when Lou makes it clear that he's the one trying to impress him. Lou tells him that the Chronicle bigwigs are very impressed with his Beat writing, and would like him to go to headquarters in New York to interview for an available job in the LA office. Boat. Donna is doing her best to cheer up Noah, but he remains sullen and quiet. When she invites him once again to move into the beach house, he tells her to leave him alone 'bout that. He tells her that his mother found a letter that his father had left for her, and it expressed much regret for making too little time for his family over the years. He asks his family to forgive his weakness, but Noah tearfully says he can't do that. Donna hugs him. The Walsh house. Brandon is packing an overnight bag when Kelly drops by, tells him he forgot his phone at her place, and accusingly asks who Suzy is. Brandon's like, "I dunno" ... and somehow Kelly figures out that the phone she found at the beach house isn't Brandon's, but that of a car leasing guy who stopped by the beach house a few days earlier. Brandon tells her he's off to New York for a job interview...and the two sit on the bed to contemplate the writers' inability to cut the damn cord on this relationship. Steve drops by David's apartment and tells David his DJing last night was awesome...then gets to the real reason he came over: to find out if Sophie is here. David says he hasn't seen her, and Steve seems convinced, apologizes for acting so nutty lately, and heads back to his car. David returns to his bedroom, where Sophie is lounging, naked under the covers. She murmurs, "Do you think he knows?" and David's like, "I dunno, maybe" then mounts her so the two can get it on. Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: One of the Wyatt Foundation bigwigs, Audrey, informs Kelly that the board chair has lost interest in health care and wants to focus on her new pet project: illiteracy. In other words, the clinic will be losing its funding. Sounds irresponsible and dickish, if you ask me. Kelly's all, "Wha-a?" and points out that poor, sick people won't be able to get the care or treatments they need, but Audrey just shrugs disinterestedly and blithely suggests she apply for grants...but only after she fires the clinic's nursing staff. The Walsh house. David advises Valerie to not spill the beans to her mother about murdering her father, but Valerie moans about how tired she is of lying. She wants to tell her mom that she had threatened her father with calling the police, and that when she later shot him she was only protecting herself. Michelle Phillips arrives at the house a few minutes later, and Valerie hugs her and gushes about how happy she is to see her...but is visibly dismayed when she sees that her mom has brought along her latest boy toy: a youngish looking police officer named Carl. Valerie poutishly tells her mom they need to have a heart-to-heart, but Michelle Phillips breezily says the three of them will go out to dinner, and she can talk about whatever she wants [with the exception of her dead, pro-incest husband]. Donna returns to the boat after an early hair appointment - she's now sporting bangs! - and Noah tells her he's been spending the morning brooding about being broke and wondering if his father squirrelled away any emergency funds. He's been trying to get in touch with him to find out, but he won't return his calls. Donna suggests he drop by his office and talk about it in person. University of California. Steve keeps Sophie company while she pretends to get herself organized for a semester of studying biology. She finally tells him to get lost 'cause she needs to focus on her academics, and finds his presence to be too much of a distraction. Steve agrees to give her some space and asks her if she'd like to do something tonight, and she deftly avoids answering by chirping, "See you at home!" then makes a beeline over to the financial aid office to cash in her $5,000 student loan check. The Beverly Beat. Kelly drops by to tell Brandon that the Wyatt Foundation has slashed its funding for the clinic, and doesn't think it can survive for more than a few weeks. She wants to call out the shitty foundation on its unwillingness to fund its own clinic, and asks Brandon if he wouldn't mind publishing a story about it in the Beat. Brandon says he's game, but makes it clear that they're going to have to work together on the story. Kelly makes a yeech face...but then decides it's reasonable, considering she came to him for help. With that settled, she, Steve, and Janet discuss the upcoming charity auction to raise funds for the clinic, which Noah has agreed to host at the After Dark. Steve suggests they ask David to be the auctioneer, since he's got nothing better to do after stupidly getting himself fired from his sweet jingle writing job. Sophie is enjoying a leisurely day of shopping with her tuition money when she "accidentally" runs into David at a cafe. She fibs and tells him she's taking a break from classes, then flashes him a dazzling smile and says her greatest dream in life is to be famous. David asks her what kind of showbiz skill set she has - acting? singing? dancing? producing? directing? - and Sophie's like, "No, no, no, no, and no" then grins stupidly and says, "I want to be famous for being me!" and saucily tells David she wants him to show her everything. While waiting for a table at the Bel Age Hotel restaurant, Valerie tells her mom she wants to do some more rehashing about her dad [OMFG nooooooooo], and Carl interjects and says how sad it is that he died in a car accident. After he ambles off to see about their table, Michelle Phillips explains to a bewildered Valerie that she was too embarrassed to tell Carl that her husband killed herself, 'cause she didn't want him to start asking questions about why he killed himself...and figured it would be easier all around if he believes he died in an accident. She then announces that she and Carl are engaged, and that she's thrilled to have the chance at a fresh start in life with a young hot man. Carl returns to the bar and announces that their table is ready, and Valerie glares at him and blurts out, "Have you ever killed anyone?" but doesn't give him a chance to answer as she flounces past him to the dining room. Weird. Elsewhere at the Bel Age, Sophie steals two bathrobes from a housekeeper's cart. She and David then strip off their clothes, put the robes on, and fool the housekeeper into giving them access to the hotel pool. David takes off his robe and dives into the water naked, but Sophie refuses to do the same and creepily stares at him while he swims alone. Noah drops by his dad's office and interrupts him while he's having a meeting. He tells his dad he just needs five minutes of his time, then asks what he can do to help out with the No 'Mo Money Situation. Papa Hunter snarks that he had urged him years ago to learn the ropes of his business, but he continually refused...then glares at Noah in annoyance. The Beverly Beat. Kelly reads over Brandon's first draft of the 'clinic funding cuts' article, and laments how lost she'll be without the clinic if it goes belly-up. Brandon assures her she'll be fine doing whatever else comes along...and she jokingly admonishes him for always being so kind, helpful, and flattering. She leans in and gives him a smooch...then says she figured this would happen if they worked together. She suddenly looks horrified at her brashness and rushes out of the newsroom, and Brandon stares after her with the same spaced-out expression he's been regularly sporting thus far in Season 9. The Walsh house. Sophie brings Steve a breakfast tray and joins him on the couch. He tells her he's miffed that they didn't get together last night, but she points out that she didn't actually stand him up, then pretends to be all confused about whether or not they had plans to hang out. She tells him she was on campus all day, then spent the better part of the afternoon looking for a job. Steve comes right out and tells her he wants the two of them to go out on dates...and Sophie makes a blech face and says they can only ever be friends 'cause there's a [non-existent] guy in Boston she's still hung up on. Steve buys the fib and asks her how she got home last night, and she tells him that a friend gave her a ride. Steve mulls that over and remarks, "You make friends fast." Beach house. Brandon drops by to remind Kelly that they still have work do on the article...and Kelly tells him that due to the awkwardness of yesterday's kiss, she's decided to bring the plight of the de-funded Wyatt Clinic to Los Angeles Chronicle reporter John Wakefield. She asks Brandon to please pass along his notes to John, tosses John's phone number at him, then shuts the door in his face. After Dark. The 90210 gang is setting up for the charity auction. Sophie tells David that so far she loooves LA...then asks him if he told Steve about their date, which would be a bad idea 'cause he has a huge crush on her...and she's not quite done taking advantage of his hospitality letting her crash in his bedroom. David shrugs and says he didn't mention anything to Steve 'cause there isn't anything going on between them. Papa Hunter shows up at the After Dark and apologizes to Noah for behaving like such a rude dickwad yesterday. He explains that his unexpected appearance in his office caught him off-guard...then suggests they go for a drive and indulge in some way overdue father-son bonding. The Beverly Beat. Steve asks Janet what it means when a girl says she just wants to be friends, and Janet tells the clueless nitwit it pretty much means she has no desire to ever hit the sheets with him. Steve asks her if this also applies when the girl claims she just broke up with someone, and Janet wryly says, "It's a variation on the same theme." John Wakefield drops by the newsroom to discuss the 'clinic funding cuts' article with Brandon...then comments on Kelly's smokin' body and asks if she's single. Brandon irritably gathers up his notes about the clinic and tries to hand them to John, but John doesn't seem too into the idea of saving the clinic and says that those sorts of poor people places are always getting shut down. Noah and his dad go to a nearby park and reminisce about his shitty upbringing. Papa Hunter finds a baseball laying in the grass and suggests they throw it around, the way he promised to but never did throughout his son's childhood. Bel Age Hotel. Valerie tells her mom they need to talk in private and brusquely asks Carl to leave, which he is more than happy to do. Valerie starts gabbling about her father, and an irked Michelle Phillips snaps, "Stop this right now!" and begs her to pleeeeeease, for the love is all that is holy, put this tedious storyline behind her and never ever speak of it on camera again. Valerie ignores her plea and says she threatened her father by telling him she was going to the police...and Michelle Phillips reacts by giving her a smack across the face. She admits she knew about the abuse and shrieks, "He was getting help!"and Valerie stares at her incredulously and barks, "You knew?!" Michelle Phillips moans about how she had the sickening job of asking her own husband if he was sexually abusing their daughter, then tearfully says he was all set to get some counselling so the three of them could live happily ever after. She then scrunches her face in confusion and wonders aloud, "Why did he kill himself?" and Valerie just stares back at her mutely. Charity auction. David is acting as auctioneer, taking bids for a trip to New York, then MCs a fashion show featuring Donna's craptastic designs. Brandon spots John Wakefield across the bar and snarks to Steve about what a jerk the guy is, then goes backstage to tell Kelly that her "Chronicle guy" is here and that he's only interested in getting a date with her. After he saunters off, Kelly stares at her wedding gown that is soon to be bid on...which is weird 'cause I thought Donna gave it to a store in an attempt to sell it. Sophie urges Kelly to put it on and show Brandon what he's missing. The camera then pans over to the makeshift runway, where Donna is modelling a tacky purple leopard skin dress and Sophie is modelling a snug fitting skirt and top. Steve motions at Sophie and remarks to David, "Pretty girl, total innocent" and David agrees she's pretty but somehow keeps from laughing out loud at Steve for using the phrase "total innocent" to describe such a brazen, self-involved hustler. Steve asks him if he's seen much of Sophie lately, and David mutters, "Regular amounts" ... and Steve gives up on being coy and asks David if he gave her a ride home a couple of nights ago. David shakes his head and fibs, "Nope. Wasn't me." Carl tells Valerie that Michelle Phillips got very upset after their last chat and assumes it's because the two of them are getting married...and Valerie rolls her eyes and sneers that he's barely a speck in her universe. An unfazed Carl says that, in answer to her earlier question, he has in fact killed someone. It happened in the line of duty, and the guy was someone he knew from the old neighborhood who went the criminal route. He jumped Carl while trying to flee the scene of a crime, so Carl shot him to death. He insists to Valerie that the whole horrible incident was all the guy's fault, and he doesn't feel a shred of guilt about it. Charity auction. Rick Miller, of KVIB Radio, interrupts David's MCing to tell him he's doing great, and - if he's interested - they might have a slot for him at the station. He then hands him his card and tells him to give him a call. David wraps up the charity auction's fashion segment by bringing out the pièce de résistance: Kelly decked out in her wedding gown. Brandon stares at her wistfully, and she responds by sassily throwing her bouquet at John Wakefield, who bids $500 - not for the dress, but for a date with the model wearing the dress. Rick Miller gets in the game and bids $600 - which seemed kind of random, but OK - but then Brandon shuts them all down by bidding $1,000. Kelly stares over at her ex-fiance in smug satisfaction. Noah drops by his dad's office and urges him to accept that his company is kaput and to walk away...and Papa Hunter jokes about how kids today just don't get capitalism. Noah tells him he sold his boat in order to generate some much needed dough for the family, and Papa Hunter snarls about how insignificant that is, considering the many millions he lost. Noah gets angry and swipes at the martini that was sitting on the middle of the desk, sending it crashing to the floor...and Papa Hunter sadly says that that was the only thing left he had to look forward to. Noah bellows, "You have no one to blame but yourself!" and Papa Hunter retorts, "Words to remember." Noah storms out and heads over to the elevators...and a few seconds later he hears a gunshot. He races back to his dad's office and finds him crumpled on the floor with a bullet in his head. Farewell, Papa Hunter. We hardly knew ye. Valerie is at an outdoor cafe with David, blathering about how her mom knew about her dad's abuse...blah fucking blah. David stifles a yawn and says it stands to reason that a mother would sense something gross like that happening under her roof. Valerie needlessly reminds him that she killed her father, and David throws in the towel on feigning anymore interest in this revolting storyline and wearily says, "I don't know what to do for you." Valerie assures him it's all good 'cause she just found a fresh new person - meaning Carl - who might be willing to listen to her natter endlessly about her dead dad problems, and tells David he's off the hook. David's like, "Yippee!" and bolts out of the cafe before she can reconsider. LOL. Audrey tells Kelly she read the article in the Chronicle, which ignited public outrage at the foundation and resulted in the board chair reversing her fickle decision to slash the clinic's funding. She wryly says that Kelly didn't leave them much choice, but insists she'll still have to reduce staffing by 20%. Kelly tells them to cut her position, since she wants to move on to a better run workplace anyway...and Audrey credits her for all the great work she did during her time at the clinic. David arrives home and finds Sophie sitting on his doorstep. He tells her he got an audition for KVIB radio, and she's like, "Woo hoo!" but laments the fact that she's not famous yet. He tells her he lied to Steve about them seeing each other...and she teasingly says she thought that nothing was going on between them. She cocks her head to the side and coquettishly tells him that sometimes things just happen and end up turning out great, then leans in for a smooch. Kelly and Brandon take a stroll along the beach. He suggests they grab some dessert, but she declines. He admits getting jealous during the 'wedding dress/date with Kelly' bidding war 'cause he doesn't like the thought of her going out with another guy. Kelly assures him she wouldn't move on so quickly...but he says she will eventually, and that he hates the thought that it won't be with him. (Dude...if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it...and then followed through with marrying it.) Kelly gives him a quick kiss, thanks him for [what we all hope is] their last date, and scampers in the direction of the beach house. Bel Age Hotel. Valerie drops by her mother's room to babble for the hundredth fucking time this episode about how crappy and powerless she felt when her father was abusing her. After the two rehash the whole horrible, sordid thing, Valerie says she knows that her father was the enemy in this scenario, and urges her mom to stay in LA a few more days. Michelle Phillips mulls that over and happily agrees. A brooding Noah is in the park, hitting balls with a baseball bat. Donna ambles over and tells him his family has been looking for him, and Noah tearfully whimpers about how much his father loved the perfect martini...and that he really loooooved the baseball he got autographed by Reggie Jackson. He then holds up the signed baseball, tells Donna he's wanted to play with it his whole life, then hits it hard with the bat and watches it sail across the park. He bitterly snarls, "Too late now." Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"! |
Beverly Hills, 90210 homepageRecapper: Isabel K. French
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