Recap: Matt warns David and Claudia that getting married to obtain a green card is illegal, and that the INS monitors this kind of thing very closely. They mete out harsh fraud-related penalties for the American involved, and deport the non-citizen with no hope for re-entry. On the other hand, if they're able to convince the INS that they're a legit couple, Claudia can get a green card in two years and live in the States happily ever after.
After Dark. Gina tells Noah how jazzed she is about the raffle for a "fantasy dinner" with fictional rock star Cole Younger...and gets even more excited about it when Noah tells her that Dylan is fixing it so that her name is called as the winner. When Dylan slouches over a few minutes later, Gina silently gives him a big thank you smooch. Kelly, meanwhile, gabbles to Matt about the UGE crush she used to have on Cole Younger, and that when she was a teenager, it was "Cole Younger this, Cole Younger that". Nope, don't recall her ever uttering a word about any Cole Younger during Seasons 1-3. Noah and Dylan take the stage to announce the winner of the raffle, and Dylan pulls out a ticket from the big bin, ignores the name of the actual winner, and chirps, "And the winner is...Kelly Taylor!" Noah's all, "Wha-a?" and tells Dylan he just told Gina he was fixing the raffle so she'd win, and a bemused Dylan is all, "I didn't know Gina liked Cole Younger." Gina storms over to where Matt and Kelly are sitting and snarks about how Dylan fixed the raffle in her favor...and Kelly grins smugly and tells her she's making too much of this.
Law office. Kelly is filming Matt as he advertises his legal services in order to promote his failing law practice. He tells Kelly it feels weird to be doing this, then whines about how he's not at all where he wants to be in his career. That's probably 'cause you're a very shitty lawyer, Matt. Kelly offers to take control of the operation and assures him that she can help him appear far more dynamic on film than he actually is.
The Beverly Beat. Steve fires the paper's psychic, Zoe, 'cause she hasn't been able to make any reliable predictions lately. She gets irked and delivers a prediction which sounds more like an evil witch's curse: by week's end, Steve won't be able to get it up, and will wear pink. Steve and Janet giggle at the outrageousness of her predications and stand firm in their decision to fire her.
The Walsh house. David drops by to tell Donna and Noah that he and Claudia are getting married so she won't get deported to Venezuela. Noah approves of the idea, since it'll take David off the market, but Donna thinks it's crazy to marry someone you hardly know. Noah asks David if he loves Claudia, and he's like, "Um...yeah, sorta" and asks Donna if she wouldn't mind making his bride a wedding dress.
Beach house. Dylan drops by looking for Gina, but instead runs into Kelly. She tells him that fixing the raffle probably wasn't a great idea, considering the fact that they're both seeing other people. But that said, she's super excited to have dinner with her fave rock star. As she gives him a thank you hug, Gina arrives home, scowls at the sight of them hugging, and snaps, "Ah, the happy couple!" then storms off to her room.
West Beverly High. Donna arrives (with Noah in tow) to meet with the head of drama, Mr. Bigelow, in order to show him her design sketches for the play's costumes. Sounds kind of extravagant for a high school play. Donna tells Noah that all the kids looooved Mr. Bigelow 'cause he's so super awesome at buoying the confidence of young people. One of the volunteers there is Ashley Reese, who Donna explains to Noah was her freshman "big sister" but then started hating her for no reason. (There are plenty of reasons to hate you, Donna.) Ashley, who looks a bit drunk, struts onto the stage and starts reciting lines from a past play, then rambles about how Mr. Bigelow repeatedly molested her when she was in high school. The bewildered students are all, "Wha-a?" ... and when Donna tries to get her to shut up, she runs off.
The Walsh house. Steve is mortified when he's unable to get it up, but Janet assures him she doesn't care, and also doesn't believe that his sudden flaccidity has anything at all to do with Zoe's prediction. As Steve gets dressed, Janet points at his boxers and remarks on their pinkness...and Steve, who was somehow unaware that he was putting on pink boxers, stares down at them in horror. Janet breezily says he obviously forgot to separate his reds from whites while doing laundry.
David brings Claudia to a photography studio, where there are all kinds of fake backdrops and outfits they can use to take photos of themselves on trips they never actually took. They put on parkas, grab a pair of skis, and stand in front of a fake wintery backdrop.
After Dark. Kelly arrives at the club, all dressed up for her fantasy dinner with Cole Younger. She runs into Dylan, who scrunches his face in confusion and informs her that Cole's limo has already left. The camera then pans over to the inside of the limo, where Cole is sitting next to Gina, who's decked out in a red leather vest top and pretending she's Kelly Taylor. Incidentally, Cole looks like a temperamental, disheveled creep.
Donna is closing up the boutique when Ashley stops by to tell her that she wasn't just rambling drunken nonsense earlier: Mr. Bigelow really did molest her when she was a teenager. She was too ashamed to step forward at the time, and of course assumed it was all her fault. She tells Donna that as a result of the molestation, she drinks too much, can't work, or function in a relationship. Yikes. She says she now wants justice for what he did and needs Donna to back her up - but Donna says she can't do that 'cause she only has good memories of the alleged perv.
After Dark. Steve is having problems flagging down a waitress to take their drink orders, so Janet suggests they go home, have some wine, and cuddle up together in front of the fire. She assures him that his flaccid penis problems don't matter to her - but he remains obsessed about his inability to "perform". When the waitress finally does come to their table, Janet orders a penis colada, then saucily adds, "Make it a stiff one." Bwahahahaha!
The Peach Pit. Donna is meeting with Mr. Bigelow, who insists that Ashley's molestation claims are false and that he's considering suing her for defamation. Donna's like, "Ewww...could we just talk about the costumes?" and Bigelow ignores her obvious discomfort and rails about obsessed Ashley was with him and bitter about not getting into Juilliard...so now, ten years later, she's taking it out on him by accusing him of molesting her, 'cause yeah that sounds reasonable. He says that the school board has scheduled a hearing to discuss the matter and asks Donna to sign a petition in support of his awesomeness, which of course she does.
After Dark. Cole Younger leaps atop the stage for his scheduled performance and dedicates his first song to Kelly Taylor - and then points over at Gina. Kelly storms over to Gina to give her the what-for for impersonating her, and an amused Gina says if she's nice, she'll introduce her to Cole as her homely cousin. As she's flouncing off, Dylan furrows his brows and tells Gina, "I hope it was worth it" and she snaps, "It was. Don't wait up" and turns her back on him. Someone please explain to me how these two could still possibly be a couple.
Bel Age Hotel. Dylan drops by Cole's hotel room, and Cole sneeringly asks him what the hell he wants now that he's fulfilled his obligation by performing at his "cheesy little club". Dylan explains that his girlfriend Gina is posing as Kelly Taylor...and then the camera pans over the bathroom, where we see Gina standing in the doorway, wet from a shower and wrapped in a towel. She and Dylan glare at each other hatefully until Dylan orders her to get dressed so he can take her home - but she declines and says she's off to the hotel spa. When Cole tells Dylan to get lost and advances on him, Dylan smacks him in the head with the door and knocks him out cold. Gina shrieks, "Are you insane?! You can't go around hitting people with doors!" - LOL - and Dylan wryly says that obviously he can, then asks her if she's coming with him. She snaps no, and he glares at her for a few more seconds, then slouches off.
Ashley drops by the boutique and tells Donna she saw the pro-Bigelow petition she signed, then asks her to please please give her the benefit of the doubt about her allegations. She explains that she was always so rude and bitchy to her in high school 'cause she knew that Bigelow was about to give her (Donna) a key to his apartment...and so she (Ashley) stepped in and used her bitchitude to distract Bigelow from defiling West Beverly's most sainted virgin by offering up herself as his next molestation victim. That's...kind of a nonsensical explanation, but OK.
Steve goes to the doctor to see about his Limp Dick Situation, and the doctor assures him it's perfectly normal for men to not be able to get it up from time to time. He urges Steve to chillax and maybe put on some Barry White next time he's in the mood - but Steve demands a prescription that is guaranteed to bring his pecker back to life. The doctor sighs wearily and writes him a prescription for sugar pills and tells him that this "medication" should do the trick.
Matt is shooting a second version of his promotional video, and this time his hair is all spikey greasy, and he's wearing a jazzy white suit. He complains to Kelly that he's a boring, incompetent lawyer - not a rock star, then accuses her of being infatuated with the idea of "the bad boy, the rebel" and cites her attraction to Dylan and Cole Younger as proof.
Casa David. David and Claudia are looking over their photos, trying to pick out the ones that look the least contrived. Dylan arrives home and tells them he'll move out asap so they can have their privacy - but Claudia tells him it's no rush 'cause her story arc is about to come to an abrupt conclusion. When she leaves the room, Dylan praises David for picking such a nice girl to jump headfirst into a relationship with, and David's like, "You don't know the half of it!" and tells him that they're planning to have a green card wedding and took a bunch of fake vacation photos in order to fool the INS.
The Beverly Beat. A horny Steve tries to seduce Janet in the newsroom - instead of waiting until they're at home like a civilized person might - but suddenly gets anxious about his ability to do the deed and goes soft. He wails that his penis has never failed him this badly before, then scrunches his face worriedly. This is...just so much more information than I ever wanted to have about the functionality of Steve's genitals.
West Beverly High. Donna is watching the kids rehearse Romeo and Juliet when Bigelow does a creepy demonstration of how to grab and kiss Juliet. After the scene, Donna approaches the actress playing Juliet and asks her if Bigelow has ever invited her back to his apartment to "practice", and the girl snarks that she's soooo sick of all the fake accusations about her beloved drama teacher, then storms off.
Casa David. Dylan arrives home and finds Gina sitting cross-legged on his bed. When she snidely tells him she enjoyed the spa, he snarks, "Don't forget your toothbrush" and makes it clear how pissed off at her he is for spending the night with Cole just to get a reaction out of him. She explains that her major personality dysfunction stems from her fear of not feeling safe and needing to know that if she gives of herself he won't just take it and run. He tells her for the umpteenth time that he can't/won't/doesn't want to promise anything, so she smacks him across the face twice while shrieking, "I hate you!!" and he shrieks, "I hate you back!!" Naturally, getting smacked in the face twice turns Dylan on so much that he pushes Gina up against the wall and starts roughly kissing her, and naturally she gets all into it and smooches him intensely before they strip off their clothes and headbutt each other as they make their way over to the bed. Of all the stupid TV tropes I've endured over the years, the 'I hate you so much I suddenly want to fuck your brains out' trope has to be the dumbest one to watch.
The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Zoe that her prediction didn't come true - but Janet lets it slip that he has been experiencing a Limp Dick Situation for the past week or so, but is much better now. Steve offers to hire Zoe back, and she's delighted to accept and grabs the check from Janet. A few seconds after she leaves, the doctor calls Steve to inform him that the pills he prescribed were nothing but sugar pills. Steve's all, "Wha-a?!!" and orders Janet to stop payment on Zoe's check.
Post-coitus, Gina tells Dylan she didn't do anything with Cole, then get miffed that he's not making any jealousy-induced demands for information about what did actually happen. Dylan grunts disinterestedly and tells her that she thinks too much, and advises her to let it go 'cause he gives far too little a shit about who she doinks to talk about it anymore. She asks him if he cheated on her with Kelly in Mexico, and he's like, "Nope." She says she still remains skeptical 'bout that, but is willing to let it go. For now.
After Dark. Claudia tells David she's decided to return to Venezuela, and David breathes a quiet sigh of relief and says he totally would have gone through with a green card marriage for her. She says, "I know", then tells him she was afraid that eventually he'd hate her for having to do it and that they'd both regret it. The two hug, and I guess that's that.
West Beverly High. Donna is hanging around backstage, watching as Ashley tries to get the Juliet actress to admit that Bigelow has been molesting her. Donna notices that the girl painting scenery a few feet away is actively eavesdropping and looking very upset. Donna goes over to her and asks her if she's OK...and when she starts crying, Donna asks her if Bigelow ever gave her a key to his apartment. The girl nods and pulls it out of her pocket...and Donna hugs her, then assures her (as well as Ashley) that Bigelow's creepy grab-handsy behavior is not their fault.
The Walsh house. Kelly arrives and finds Dylan sitting on the front porch. He admits that it was a dumb move to fix the raffle in her favor, and then the two reminisce about the summer they cheated on Brenda, aka back when Beverly Hills, 90210 was enjoying its heyday. The two go inside, and Matt looks less than thrilled to see them arrive together, but gets over it a few seconds later. Donna, meanwhile, brings Ashley to the party, who announces to everyone that the school board fired Bigelow and charges will be pressed. Hurray!
Kelly shows Matt the video she sent to the local TV stations to promote his lawyering, and it's the boring one of him in a sweater vest.
David and Claudia announce to the 90210 gang that they've decided to not go through with their green card wedding after all. Claudia is going back to Venezuela to renew her visa and will hopefully return shortly (note: we never see or hear from her ever again). She asks everyone to promise to keep DAH-vid's virginity intact, and everyone chortles at the oddness of that request.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Disclaimer: While reading these recaps, you may encounter spoilers of future episodes. If this matters to you in any way, shield yourself from reading this content.
If not, carry on..
Recapper: Isabel K. French
~ If you enjoy these recaps, thank me by buying me a "coffee"!