Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 9, Episode 15

"This suspicious mole is probably the result of prancing around shirtless for nine seasons."

"Beheading St. Valentine"
Original airdate: 2/10/1999

Episode summary: Matt finds it difficult to choose between Lauren and Kelly. Donna gets mad at Noah (again) and agrees to be David's date for a work party. Steve is alarmed when Janet spots a suspicious looking mole on his shoulder.

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Recap: Kelly puts her sad face on and tells Donna she hasn't talked to Matt since the end of the previous episode, when he was like, "Hey Kelly. Guess what? I'm married" then introduced her to his wife. Cue Matt, who is suddenly milling outside the boutique, so Kelly goes out to talk to him in the mall courtyard. He explains that he's been stashing Lauren at the Bel Age Hotel ever since she arrived in L.A. - but he can't afford to keep her there indefinitely, so he's going to have to move her into the Walsh house soon. He meekly adds, "I just want to do the right thing", and an irked Kelly points out that "the right thing" would have included him mentioning that he had a fucking wife sometime before they first hit the sheets. Word.

Gina is doing a training session at a client's house when Dylan drops by for lack of anything better to do with his day. When Gina answers the door, Dylan waves her day planner at her, then barges inside and runs up the stairs. Gina rushes back to the patio to instruct her client to do some stomach crunches, then goes upstairs to see what kind of mayhem Dylan is getting himself into. She finds him rifling through a chest of drawers and mumbling about how hard it is to fight his heroin cravings. He then gets all touchy feely with Gina and suggests he bone her right here and now...and Gina refrains from pointing out that they're in her client's house where she's right in the middle of a training session, and instead giggles and agrees to get it on with him.

The Beverly Beat. Janet arrives for work while Steve and David are interviewing hot women to be in the Beat's new "page three girl" feature, like they used to do in Britain. Janet rolls her eyes and calls the tactic sleazy, but then dutifully goes to her desk and starts her workday 'cause I guess the Beat pays enough to make it worth her while to continue the indignity of being employed by an assclown like Steve. 

Gina and Dylan are out jogging together...and he's all winded and out of shape. They take a break in front of an elementary school so that Gina can relive her childhood trauma of coming in second during a skating competition.

After Dark. David tells Donna he needs a date for a party that's being hosted by the station manager and his wife. Donna scrunches her giant face disapprovingly and declines 'cause she doesn't want to put Noah in an awkward position. Even though it was a total non-issue when Noah was Clara's date for the Blockbuster Entertainment awards. 

The Beverly Beat. Steve is tanning shirtless under a sun lamp while Janet continues to complain about the sleaziness of featuring "page three girls". Steve insists it could really boost their sales, and Janet grumbles about there being no dignity in her job. And speaking of which, Steve asks her if she wouldn't mind lathering suntan lotion on his shoulders. She complies and spots what is hopefully a stage four melanoma growth, and advises him to get the suspicious mole examined by a dermatologist. Steve breezily says he's sure it's nothing, but then stares worriedly into space.

Beach house. Donna is primping for a romantic night out with Noah when she asks to borrow something from Gina...then returns to the living room clutching the incriminating photo booth photos of Gina and Noah she must have found in her drawer. She sternly asks Gina whaddup with this, and Gina tells her they were just posing, while Noah unhelpfully chimes in about how drunk he was that night and doesn't remember what the hell he might have done. Donna becomes enraged, cancels their romantic night out, and storms to her room.

Matt tells Kelly - now that the cat is totally out of the bag - that he'd like to regale her with the complete story of his relationship with Lauren. He tells her they were high school sweethearts, got married at age twenty, and a year later she started to hear voices egging her on to do terrible things. After she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, she spent three years in a mental hospital until her doctor thought to prescribe clozapine, and then suddenly she got better and phoned him with the good news. He says he never wanted to give up on Lauren...and figured that being upfront with Kelly about the fact that he has a wife in a mental hospital would translate to 'giving up on Lauren'. He admits to loving both of them, then wails about how screwed up the situation [largely of his own making] is.

The Walsh house. Lauren cooks breakfast while grumbling about everything she's missed out on while languishing in the hospital for three years. When she serves Matt his French toast, she's startled when she looks down at the plate and sees that it's still raw 'cause she forgot to turn the stove on. She cries, "What did I dooo?" and Matt assures her it's OK, and that eventually she'll relearn how to operate large appliances. She suddenly laments losing her wedding ring, but he tells her he took it off her finger for safekeeping. She points at his ring finger and sadly remarks that he no longer wears his either. No duh. If he had kept the damn thing on, we probably wouldn't be suffering through his dull-as-fuck wife/girlfriend love triangle storyline right now.

Steve is being examined by Bernie Kopell, the Love Boat doctor, to see if his mole is cancerous. Doc also examines other areas of Steve's pasty white skin and chides him for sitting under a heat lamp. He calls the mole in question irregular and says, yep, it definitely could be a carcinoma. Steve looks panicked and goes, "Cancer?" and Doc nods and advises him to stop needlessly exposing his skin to harmful UV rays, and urges against going outside shirtless without sunscreen.

The Peach Pit. Noah gives Gina shit for not throwing away the photo booth photos, and accuses her of enjoying making Donna miserable. Gina tells him that Donna deserves to know the truth, then implies that the two of them did, in fact, bump uglies on that fateful night. She looks faux insulted and says it hurts her feelings that he has no memory of the beautiful grinding that occurred in his bedroom that night...and Noah furrows his brows and contorts his face, looking angry and perplexed.

Gina meets up with Dylan, and the two head out to the Peach Pit parking lot. He tells her that since he has community service at 7am, he'll just drop her off at home and get a good night's rest. Gina poutishly asks him if he's sick of her already [even if he's not, I'm definitely getting there], then starts unbuttoning her top and threatens to continue until he declares his immediate need to doink her. When he remains stubbornly mute, she removes her top...then has to hide behind Dylan when Nat exits the diner to gabble about something pointless. While Nat and Dylan are talking, Gina strips off her bra - which essentially means she's now topless in a public parking lot - and after Nat goes back inside, Dylan hastily covers her up and agrees to spend the night at her place. Girl has some serious issues that will need to be unpacked in a future recap.

The Walsh house. Kelly is packing up her remaining stuff from Matt's room when Matt suddenly appears in the doorway and uselessly moans about how much he hates this situation. Kelly snappishly asks him what he wants, so he says, "I want to help Lauren, but go home to you every night" and she just stares at him in mute bewilderment. Cut the cord already, dullards.   

Noah drops by Now Wear This with a bouquet of flowers as a peace offering, and Donna snarks, "They make you look guilty." He explains for the umpteenth time that he was drunk on the night he and Gina took the photo booth photos, and definitely wasn't looking to hook up with her. Donna remains stone-faced and declares that she's decided to accompany David to the station manager's party tomorrow after all, and smugly describes the favor as "helping out a friend". Noah says he doesn't like the sound of that one bit, but Donna sassily retorts that she really doesn't give a rat's ass.

The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet he's been spending time at the public library reading up on skin cancer. He adds that he went to the Love Boat doctor, who's currently testing his mole for cancer. He hangs his head shamefully and laments how he's done nothing with his life except party and act like a boneheaded halfwit. He worries what people will say about him after he's dead - e.g. "here lies a boneheaded halfwit" - then frets that he's blown it...and also that he's blown it with her. Janet clucks sympathetically and gives him a squeeze.

Beach house. Kelly is standing on the patio, sadly staring out at the ocean when Dylan and Gina arrive...and Dylan promptly sends Gina inside so that he can have a tender heart-to-heart with Kelly. She whines to him about The Matt and Lauren Situation, and Dylan reminds her about Matt's timeline: he lost his wife to a mental illness, put himself through law school, hit the relationship jackpot when he met Kelly, but now has to contend with an only somewhat recovered schizophrenic wife. Kelly smiles at him tearfully, then cries, "I want Matt baaaaaack." OMFG - whyyyyyyyy??? 

The Walsh house. After spending the night together, Steve glumly tells Janet that last night's doink was probably nothing more than a mercy fuck for someone who might be dying...and she's only half-heartedly able to deny it. He says he's been thinking about what's been missing from his life (substance, a purpose) and decides he'd like to do more volunteer work. Janet applauds him for being so selfless, and urges him to focus on all the positive changes he could be making.

David and Donna arrive at the station manager's party and quickly get on the same page about what they'll say when someone asks them how they met. They greet the host and his wife, engage in idle chit-chat, then get asked to pose/kiss for a photo. The two stare longingly at each other and kiss in slo-mo while the photographer snaps away.

Kelly drops by Matt's office to tell him that she received the present he mailed to her (an engraved keychain to put his spare key on) before all the Lauren baggage hit the fan. She promises to move on if he can definitively declare that he loves Lauren more than her...but the dolt refuses to utter those simple words. Kelly storms out of his office and shoots Lauren the stink-eye when she passes her on her way back to the boutique.

Steve is at the beach, covered from head to toe to avoid sun exposure, and is surrounded by bikini clad women as he sells the latest copies of the Beat. Janet arrives and asks him whassup with this latest spectacle, so he explains that he's using the women as advertisement for selling papers while lecturing passersby on the dangers of skin cancer, pointing out that each of the shapely, half naked women is wearing sunscreen. Er, OK..? He thanks Janet for her concern about his suspicious mole, then urges everyone within earshot to check their bodies for any skin irregularities. Janet says she's proud of him for doing something quasi-charitable and gives him a kiss.

After Dark. David and Donna pull up in the club's parking lot and agree that they had a lovely time at the party. They gabble about their dating history...blah blah...and then David leans in for a smooch. A slightly discombobulated Donna then enters the club and makes a beeline over to Noah. She apologizes to him for suspecting the worst about his night with Gina...then wryly asks him if they can just burn the photo booth photos. Yes please.

Restaurant. Dylan and Gina are out for dinner...and she tells him she'd like them to take a night off from pawing each other and instead enjoy a nice meal while acting like civilized adults. Dylan's like, "Noooooo waaaaaaay!" and starts loudly singing When the Saints Go Marching In. The waiter comes over and asks him to keep his voice down, but Dylan is having too much fun indulging in his loopy behavior that appears to be functioning as an antidote to his smack cravings...so he continues singing in an even louder voice, and carries a giggling Gina out of the restaurant.

Kelly is closing up the boutique when Lauren comes by to ask a favor. Kelly warns her that she's not feeling very charitable at the moment, but Lauren presses ahead and asks her to please not fight for Matt. Kelly whines, "It's not fair!" and Lauren points out that she lost three years in a mental hospital and now wants her life back...and has to rely on Kelly's kindness to get it back. She snaps, "That's not fair either" then stalks off.

After Dark. Bernie Kopell calls Steve to let him know that the mole came back all clear: no cancer. Steve tells Janet the good news, and she squeals happily and gives him a hug. He then spots the group of page three girls gathered on the other side of the dance floor and says he's going to go over and say hi to them...and Janet stares after him looking dismayed.

Dylan and Gina are strolling outside when a frenetic Dylan suggests they have sex on the side of the road like a couple of dogs in heat. Gina suddenly gets prudish and says she doesn't want to, then accuses him of treating her like a sex object. Or like a woman who wantonly strips topless in a public parking lot to convince her sort-of boyfriend to spend the night romping with her in the sack. She scrunches her face in contrived misery and says what she really wants is for him to tell her how much he cares about her...and he just kind of rolls his eyes thinking, "As if", and suggests they head home.

After Dark. Noah has arranged for the band, Wild Orchid, to perform for him and Donna...while David creepily watches them slow dance from the DJ booth. Donna forgives Noah for his drunken antics on the night of the photo booth photos, then stares over his shoulder to gaze longingly at David.

Beach house. Gina tells Noah she heard that he and Donna worked things out...then hints again that they most definitely hit the sheets that night. He demands to know the truth, so she smugly says, "Nothing happened that you haven't already done tonight" then laughs and flounces off.

After Dark. David is still in the DJ booth, giving his listeners his sad commentary about how romantic Valentine's Day is for couples, but a sad reminder of loneliness for single people.

The Walsh house. Kelly comes over to tell Matt that she totally gets that he loves her...but that she's saying goodbye despite how hard it is. She kisses his cheek, tells him he's made her very happy over the past six or so episodes, then strides away from the house with a mournful expression on her face.

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