Beverly Hills, 90210 - Season 9, Episode 12

"Hand over my wife's grave...or I'll shoot."

"Trials and Tribulations"
Original airdate: 1/20/1999

Episode summary: Dylan gets arrested after he storms the Marchette mansion, then admits to Gina that he's a heroin addict. Steve goes on Judge Mary when his pupils want a refund after attending his terrible Art of the Pick-up seminar. Donna and Noah throw a barbecue at Casa Martin.

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Recap: Dylan pulls up to the Marchette mansion on his motorcycle. He slouches up to the front door, pulls the gun out of his pants, and knocks on the front door. When a woman answers, he points the gun at her and growls, "Don't say a word" and orders her into the study. He turns up the volume on the stereo that was softly playing classical music, then positions himself by the door...and a few seconds later, the woman's husband enters the room to see whassup with the music being so loud. Dylan looks perplexed when he sees that the man isn't Tony Marchette and demands to know where he is. The wife explains that they bought this mansion three years ago from Marchette's estate, and Dylan's like, "What do you mean estate?" so the husband informs him that Tony Marchette committed suicide three weeks after his daughter was killed. He begs Dylan not to hurt them, and Dylan stares at them while his brain discombobulates, then mutters, "I'm sorry" and runs out of the house. What a dumbass.

Kelly is sleeping over at Casa Walsh and asks Matt if she can use his toothbrush, and is taken aback when his reaction is, "Ew gross!" LOL. He tells her he's going to hop into the shower - just as Donna and Noah burst through the front door, vertically dry humping. Kelly goes downstairs to ask them if they want to join her and Matt for a snack, but Donna points at the woody straining against Noah's pants and says, "No can do." Janet appears out of nowhere and informs everyone that Steve is in a foul mood after learning how dissatisfied his Art of the Pick-up pupils are with his useless techniques. Shocker. Donna shrugs indifferently and tells Noah she's still up for a romp...but when they enter Noah's bedroom and start horizontally dry humping, Steve suddenly blasts his music in the room next door. Noah suggests they take a bubble bath...but when they enter the bathroom, they find a dripping Matt in there, finishing up his shower.

Gina is sitting on the front stoop of David's apartment when Dylan rides up on his motorcycle. She notices how much grislier than usual he looks from all the hard living he's been doing lately and tells him they need to head over to the beach house before anyone else sees him. David suddenly emerges from the apartment and is all, "Ack!" when he sees Dylan's ghastly appearance. Gina breezily "explains" that he has the flu and that she's going to nurse him back to health at her place. Dylan murmurs to Gina that he desperately needs to get high, then agrees to crash at the beach house.

Later, Dylan wakes up in Gina's bedroom and finds her holding his gun. She asks him if he was really going to kill Tony Marchette, and he's like, "Probably", then admits to being a full-on heroin addict who needs fixes a lot more frequently than just a couple of times a week. Gina offers to cancel her personal trainer appointments so she can help him through the stenchy withdrawal process, but Dylan doesn't like the idea of her seeing him be all sick and vomity 'cause she might get so turned off that she won't want to be with him. He tells her he really wants to be with her - now that Kelly is temporarily off the market - and the two clutch hands and stare solemnly into each other's eyes.

The Beverly Beat. Steve tells Janet that Kelly and Matt have been hitting the sheets, and attributes their sack action to the genius of his Art of the Pick-up techniques. A few seconds later, a uniformed man enters the newsroom to deliver a stack of subpoenas to Steve. Looks like his disgruntled Art of the Pick-up pupils are taking him to small claims court to get their $250 back. Haha! David, meanwhile, arrives with a box full of Art of the Pick-up videotapes. When he sees the subpoenas, he confirms to Steve that he didn't notice any of the pupils scoring with a woman. He, on the other hand, had success after using "the grandma approach" on a woman named Gertrude, who was clearly too dimwitted to see through such brazen nonsense. Steve perks up and says he considers that to be an Art of the Pick-up success story.   

Donna tells Noah that her parents are going on a barn raising tour of Amish country - cool! - which means she's going to have to check on the house while they're gone. Noah suggests they get some much needed privacy by house-sitting Casa Martin, but Donna says the idea of getting doinked in her childhood home is too freakish for her. Noah wistfully says he misses his boat and the way they used to skinny dip together...and Donna mulls over that disturbing visual and points out that her parents do have a swimming pool with very high fencing around it, then barks, "Pack a bag!"

At the mall, Kelly informs Matt that she bought an extra toothbrush for future sleepovers...and he flatly says, "Oh. Great" just as one of his clients, Brian, ambles over to say hey. Matt introduces Kelly as his "friend", which causes her to visibly deflate. After Brian is sent upstairs to wait in Matt's office, Steve struts over with his stack of subpoenas. Matt looks them over and informs him that small claims court doesn't allow defendants to bring lawyers in with them, but suggests he turn the case into the most embarrassing spectacle possible by bringing the matter to Judge Mary, a TV reality show. Steve perks up at the prospect of making a giant arse of himself on national television, then gets all cocky about what he assumes will be his big win in court.

Now Wear This. Kelly tells Donna she's doinked Matt twice, but is worried that he's on the verge of dumping her 'cause of how unenthused he was when she told him about the extra toothbrush, and that he just introduced her to a client as his "friend". Donna urges her to play it cool, then laments how much she misses the excitement of having a new boyfriend. She abruptly decides she'd like to host a barbecue at Casa Martin while she and Noah are house-sitting, and invites Kelly and her plus one (assuming he doesn't dump her in the meantime).   

Beach house. Gina prepares a spaghetti dinner for Dylan, but he just picks at it and says he's not hungry. Gina gets angry and snarks at him for being wasted...and when he reaches out for her hand, she snaps, "Don't touch me!" and orders him to leave. He sighs wearily and slouches out of the apartment.

David is out to dinner with Gertrude. She gabbles to him about her job at the community center and that, like him, a lot of the kids who hang out at the center have no parents. She suddenly brightens and asks David if he'd be willing to talk to the kids and become a grown orphan role model for them, and he's like, "Er...OK. Sure." 

Dylan gets stopped by two policemen while riding his motorcycle. They points their guns at him and order him off the bike, then inform him that last night there was a report of a break-in by a slouchster madman riding a motorcycle with this license plate number. When the cops do a quick search of his bike, they find his bag o' heroin and promptly arrest him. Yippee! Lock him up and throw away the key, I beg of you.

Donna and Noah are at Casa Martin...and just as they're about to get it on, a couple of workmen suddenly appear carrying a roll of carpet. They explain that they somehow have the run of the house to replace all the carpets, and that the pool area also can't be accessed because of some unspecified harmful fumes. It's interesting that Felice never mentioned any of this when she asked Donna to look in on the house during their Amish country vacay. 

Gina visits Dylan in jail and stares at him sadly through the glass partition. He orders her to call Matt, drag his ass down here, and get him outa this hellhole. She glares at the uppity prick and retorts, "Why? So you can score?" and he's like, "Well d'yuh" and says he has zero desire to go through heroin withdrawal while in the clink.

Steve and the unhappy plaintiffs appear on Judge Mary. The plaintiff's main complaint is that after paying $250 to attend Steve's Art of the Pick-up seminar, which came with a satisfaction guarantee, they were unable to seduce women. Judge Mary chides the men for being gullible morons and shelling out money for such an obvious scam, then asks if this guarantee was in writing. Someone produces a copy of the flyer, and indeed the dumb thing includes the phrase "satisfaction guaranteed".

Kelly drops by Matt's office to suggest that they take a weekend trip to Santa Barbara, but he declines and says he's too busy with work to go out of town. Gina suddenly bursts in to inform Matt that Dylan was arrested for trespassing on the Marchette estate. Kelly stares at her blankly and says, "Marchette is dead" and Gina's like, "Duh" and snarkishly asks her why she never passed along this information to Dylan. Good question. I'm also wondering why this is the first viewers are hearing of Marchette's dramatic suicide, considering it must have occurred around the middle of Season 6. Kelly lamely says she thought Dylan knew, then gets all defensive about how anything related to Toni was always "off limits". Gina turns back to Matt and starts to tell him about Dylan's heroin use, but then pauses - and when Kelly stares at her expectantly and goes, "What? Spit it out!" Gina snappishly retorts that this really has nothing to do with her, so could she kindly get the hell out so she can talk to Dylan's lawyer in private? After Kelly poutishly slinks out of the office, Gina tells Matt that when Dylan was arrested, the cops found a bag o' heroin in his possession...and Matt refrains from moaning, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck."

Judge Mary watches a portion of Steve's The Art of the Pick-up videotape and looks less than impressed - unlike Steve, who mugs for the camera like the clown the writers have been slowly transforming him into and tells viewers it's available for just $29.95. Judge Mary barks at the bailiff to hit the stop button, then admonishes Steve for using her reality show to peddle his shitty wares. Janet has become so mortified by the absurdity of this storyline that she tries to sneak out of the courtroom - but is stopped by the judge and ordered to answer a few questions. She's forced to admit that her role (as a girl swooning over Steve's pick-up lines) in the video was entirely scripted. A few minutes later, David comes to the rescue as Steve's "star witness" and testifies that he was able to successfully hit on a girl using Steve's recommended "grandma approach".  

Jail. Matt solemnly tells Dylan he could be looking at serious prison time...and Dylan, who's hunched over in a ready-to-vomit position, dismissively says, "Make it go away" and asks if pleading guilty would help matters. Matt cautions him against doing that, since he might not be able to make bail. He informs him that the arraignment is scheduled for tomorrow morning, but Dylan says there's no way can he make it through another night being locked up. Matt promises to do his best to get him out on bail asap, but makes it clear that he needs to go straight to rehab. As he gathers up his papers and heads out, Gina enters the room and hugs Dylan...and as they're hugging, he whispers to her where he has his heroin stash hidden, then begs her to smuggle it to him. She shoots him a WTF? glare and refuses to do it, and he scrunches his face in misery and wails, "I won't make it in here!" then doubles over as if he's about to hurl. What a pathetic, slouchy mess he is. Gina sticks to her guns (for the moment, anyway) and firmly repeats, "I can't."

Steve makes his closing remarks to Judge Mary, which include a soliloquy about the sad, lonely world they live in and that his only crime was trying to pass along his nonexistent wisdom about women in order to improve the lives of lonely young men. Judge Mary wryly says she's ready to make her judgement, then rules in favor of the plaintiffs. Haha!
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Noah suggests to Donna that they romp in her parents' bedroom - but she doesn't like that idea, 'cause of how completely gross that would be on every level. She also doesn't want to have sex in her childhood bedroom 'cause she doesn't want to subject her teddy bear to the horror of watching her bump uglies. She says it would be OK to get busy in the hallway, and Noah is totes down with that...but when he presses her against the wall for a some smoochy foreplay, he inadvertently sets off the burglar alarm.

Beach house. Kelly tells Matt that Dylan never really got closure after Toni's death 'cause he left L.A. the day after her funeral, blah blah. Incidentally, I wonder what ever happened to the tiny black kitty named Trouble he took with him that day. Matt informs her that if all goes well, Dylan will be out on bail tomorrow...and she visibly perks up at that news and asks for all the deets. Matt looks perturbed by her obvious enthusiasm for Dylan's impending freedom and clams up...so she assures him that nothing is going on between her and the Slouchster and adds that she's not sure whaddup with their budding romance. Matt just shrugs and says he thinks it's going great...but when she reminds him that he introduced her to his client as a "friend", he decides to finally put an end to the ambiguous status of their hookup. He heads out to the patio and shouts to whoever has the misfortune of being within hearing range, "Kelly Taylor is my girlfriend!" Kelly giggles and gives him a happy smooch...and, nope, still no chemistry there.

A police officer warns Donna that this is the fourth false alarm the Martin residence has set off this month and urges her to be more careful. A few seconds after the cops leave, Noah offers to take Donna to dinner, then opens the front door, accidentally setting off the alarm again. Womp womp!

Dylan calls Gina from jail to tell her that his arraignment is at 10am tomorrow...and that he's in desperate need of some smack to take the edge off. He fake promises he'll go to rehab as soon as he makes bail, then throws her a bone by cooing about how great they could be together. A guard barks at Dylan that his time on the pay phone is up, and Dylan lays a guilt trip on Gina about how he hopes he didn't waste his only phone call. Gina refrains from calling him out for his manipulative bullcack and just stares contemplatively into space.

Donna and Noah are skinny dipping and smooching in the Martin's pool when Kelly arrives with groceries for the barbecue. She chats with them for a few minutes before noticing the lack of bathing suits, and asks, "Are you naked?!" When Donna blushingly nods, Kelly hightails it in the house to unpack the groceries.   

When Dylan is released on bail he asks Matt where Gina is, and Matt's like, "Dunno" and says their first stop on the sobriety tour will be a barbecue at Casa Martin. After that, it's off to rehab he goes. Again. Dylan scoffs at the notion of getting a handle on his drug problems and dickishly says if he wants to get high, no one's gonna stop him. Matt rolls his eyes and says he's nothing more than a weak addict, and that he shouldn't think of himself to be "a special case" just 'cause he's rich. Hee! You go, Matt. He also makes it clear that if he ends up in jail for something else in the near future, he can find himself another lawyer. Dylan finally looks suitably contrite and agrees to go with him to the barbecue.

Kelly and Donna are putting out the food when Dylan and Matt arrive. Dylan mumblingly asks where the nearest bathroom is...and when Donna points at the pool house, he mopishly slouches off towards it. Kelly remarks on how terrible he looks - just as Steve struts over and brags about his awesome appearance on Judge Mary. Despite losing the case, he's thrilled he was able to squeeze in some free advertising for his new Art of the Pick-up video. At some point, Steve is going to need to be put down.
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When Gina enters the kitchen, Kelly asks her if she's going to fill her in on the Dylan Situation...and Gina mulls that over for a few seconds and snaps, "No." LOL. The rest of the gang, meanwhile, settles into the living room to watch the Steve episode of Judge Mary.

Dylan staggers out of the pool house and spots Gina standing near the pool. She tells him she went by his apartment as ordered and retrieved his heroin stash...and he's like, "Woo hoo!" and violently searches her pockets during an obligatory hug. When he roughly rips the small bag o' heroin out of her pants pocket, she glares at him in disgust and snaps, "I really hate you."

Gertrude arrives for the barbecue and ambles into the living room where everyone's watching Judge Mary...and by scripted coincidence, she happens to catch the part where David is testifying about how he used "the grandma approach" to successfully pick up a girl at a bar. When David notices her standing there and sees the appalled look on her face, he assures her he likes her a lot and begs her to give him another chance, but she refuses and storms out of the house. Oh well. I guess that's that.

Dylan runs past the pool as he chases after Gina, who haughtily informs Donna that she's leaving. In his drugged out haze, Dylan stumbles over his feet and flails his arm about, accidentally striking Donna. This causes her to fall backwards, smack her ginormous head on the concrete deck, and land in the pool. Dylan collapses onto a lounger, too zonked to realize what he's just done. Fortunately (well...for Donna), Steve and David emerge from the house, notice Donna's lifeless body floating face down in the pool, and leap into the water to fish her out. They bark at Dylan to call 911, but by this time he's barely conscious. Janet comes outside to see what all the commotion is about, then runs back in the house to call 911...and when Noah gets wind of what just happened, he races over to where Donna's laying, checks her pulse, and starts administering CPR. 

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