Recap: Kelly is sniping at Matt about how her BFF nearly died 'cause he failed to alert anyone about Dylan's destructive heroin use. Matt points out that Donna is miraculously fine...then explains that Dylan is his client, which means he can't go around blabbing stuff about him behind his back. Kelly retorts, "Well, Dylan is my friend and needs help" and Matt's like, "Fuck off, I'm tired of having the same argument with you over attorney-client privilege" and refuses to accept the blame for his slouchy client's druggie behavior.
Over at Casa David, Noah, Steve, and David admonish Dylan for not finishing the job - I mean nearly drowning Donna - and Dylan hangs his head in shame and mumbles, "I get it" but then grunts at them to get off his back. He snaps that he'll deal with his shit in his own way, then slouches toward the door. David tries to stop him from leaving by offering to help him get clean, but Dylan declines and swings open the door and - ack! - is startled to see Donna standing on the doorstep, looking as meek and doe-eyed as she can muster. She sees the stricken look on his face and assures him she's fine...and when he mumbles that he'd never deliberately hurt her, she coos, "I know", hugs him, and implores him to let her and/or the 90210 gang help him through his tedious drug problems. He promises to give it a shot.
The Beverly Beat. Janet brings her new friend, Trey, to the newsroom, along with their two Dobermans. The subplot summary here: Janet is contemplating allowing his dog to mate with hers, and is also considering whether or not she's interested enough in Trey to want to mate with him. Janet asks Steve to dog-sit her Doberman while she and Trey go on a date.
Beach house. Kelly is calling various rehab facilities to determine the best place for Dylan to get his head screwed on straight, and when Gina overhears what she's doing she informs her that Matt has already found a rehab program. She then announces that she's headed over to her slouchy boyfriend's place right now, but Kelly haughtily says she's going over there and suggests that Gina open the boutique instead. Gina barks, "I think I should be with Dylan" and Kelly snaps back, "So do I" so then Donna interjects and suggests they all go over there together, needlessly hover over Dylan, then open the boutique later. Gina ignores her peacemaking attempt and snarkishly asks Kelly if there's something she wants to say to her, and Kelly bitchily replies, "You handled his addiction, let us handle his recovery", shoots her the stink-eye, and flounces out of the apartment.
After Dark. Noah is watching a singer named Clara who, for some reason, is performing just for him. He gushes about how great she is...but when she starts fretting about not having a thing to wear for the upcoming Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, Noah says he can put her in touch with a terrific giant-headed designer.
Steve takes Janet's Doberman - a gorgeous girl named Georgia - to the dog park. He quickly gets distracted from his dog-sitting duties when he meets a pretty dog owner named Mitzi...and as he's flirting with her, Georgia scampers off to sniff all the available male dogs milling about.
The 90210 gang (plus Gina) is gathered at Casa David for a half-hearted intervention to discuss which rehab program they should ship Dylan off to. Kelly favors one called Rapid Detox, but Gina argues that it sounds "too fast food". Kelly pulls out a pamphlet for the program that describes its detox method as "effective and safe" (it must be true if it's on their pamphlet), then smugly tells Gina she can suck on it 'cause she's already made all the arrangements. Matt reminds everyone that Dylan is due in court soon to face two felony counts related to his drug-induced break-in of the Marchette mansion, and points out that him being in rehab weakens his case. He adds that if Dylan is found guilty - fingers crossed! - he can get up to ten years.
Steve is still flirting with Mitzi when another dog owner drags Georgia over and yells at Steve for allowing his horny dog to get it on with his runty little mutt, Nipsy. Steve's all, "Ack!" and tells the guy that Georgia is supposed to be saving herself for a fellow Doberman. The guy refrains from pointing out that that would have been a good fucking reason to keep an eye on his dog. Or maybe not bring her to a dog park. Or maybe leave this incredible bore of a subplot on the editing room floor and come up with a less snorefesty way for Steve and Janet to interact.
Now Wear This. Noah brings Clara to the boutique to see if any of Donna's '90s style spaghetti string dresses appeal to her. An excited Donna covertly tells Noah that if Clara wears one of her dresses to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, it could create a buzz over her designs and start boosting her sales. After examining every rack of clothing, Clara finally ambles over and tells Donna she loooves her stuff and wants her to design a dress for her to wear to the awards show. As Donna stares at her in mute disbelief at the implausible request, Clara hints at Noah that she wants him to be her date for the big event.
A restless Dylan is unable to sleep, so he crawls out of bed and wakes up Gina in the process. She sleepily asks him whassup, so he tells her he's going to take a cold shower. He then slouches into the bathroom, turns on the water, then climbs out the bathroom window.
The next morning, Kelly snarks at Gina for letting Dylan escape and bitchily reminds her that she was supposed to be watching him. David points out that Dylan's a grown man, and therefore would have found a way to flee regardless of who was supposed to be babysitting him...then suggests they look for him where he likes to score his drugs. Everyone splits up into groups of two and embarks on The Amazing Race: Find Slouchy Edition before he gets a chance to stock up on more heroin and/or die in a puddle of his own vomit.
While driving around, Donna suggests to Noah that they check out the Bel Age Hotel 'cause it's where Dylan used to live. Noah snorts derisively and says that Dylan's problems are his own fault, and that she's such an awesome cherub to forgive him for nearly killing her in the previous episode. He then abruptly changes the subject and tells her that Clara really wants him to escort her to the awards show, and Donna says she's fine with that 'cause she totally trusts him.
Kelly and Matt are ambling around the beach where Dylan used to surf and, as Kelly explains, flee to whenever they felt angst-ridden about their privileged, pretty people lives. Matt remarks on how left out he's been feeling in this situation, and Kelly apologizes for repeatedly blaming him for Dylan's substance abuse issues. As the camera pans down, we see that Dylan is actually there, huddled behind a giant pile of rocks and looking green around the gills.
The Beverly Beat. A mystified Janet tells Steve that Georgia has no interest in mating with Trey's dog, so Steve sheepishly admits that he took her to the dog park, let her run around off-leash, and before he knew what was happening she was bumping uglies with a scrappy pooch named Nipsy. Janet's all, "Wha-a?!", gets enraged at Steve for not taking his dog-sitting duties more seriously, and storms out of the newsroom.
Beach. Dylan is leaning against a giant rock, dry heaving, then gets up and staggers around. He finds a small baggie of heroin in his pocket...then cries out in helpless anger as he dumps it on the ground, then collapses face-first onto the sand. LOL.
The Peach Pit. David and Gina enter the diner and ask Nat if he's seen Dylan, and he's like, "Nope. Better call the police." Gina half-heartedly blames herself for Dylan's escape, but David says he was determined to get high no matter what. Gina then comes clean and confesses that she reluctantly provided Dylan with drugs from his stash after twice refusing to do it, which explains why he was so high when he nearly killed Donna. David shoots her the stink-eye for so actively enabling her druggie boyfriend.
Kelly and Matt return to the beach house after having no luck finding Dylan. Matt says he's bummed about her past relationships with Brandon and Dylan, but Kelly makes it clear that they're both great guys, then solemnly adds, "If they ever need me, they have me." Matt applauds her for being such a great friend, but makes it clear how hard it sucks for him that she's chosen a side that isn't his. Kelly weakly denies choosing sides, but has to put a pin in that argument when she suddenly notices that Dylan is passed out on her patio. As she hovers over him anxiously, he weakly cries, "Hellllp me."
Hospital. The doctor tells the gang that Dylan's system will be heroin-free within four to six hours - and Donna's like, "Yay!" and rushes off to work on the design for Clara's award show dress. Matt tells Kelly it might be best for Dylan if he explored a plea agreement, though it could result in jail time. Kelly snaps, "You'll have to do better than that!" and Matt stomps away looking irked at her chronic bitchitude whenever it comes to his his lawyerly advice. Gina arrives at the hospital and sarcastically thanks Kelly for calling her and says she's been up all night worrying. When Kelly informs her that Dylan is currently under anesthesia, Gina mockingly calls her "a saint for taking care of other people's boyfriends". Kelly smugly tells her that Dylan showed up on her doorstep and was mumbling her name when she found him, then says they've been friends for nine years. Gina retorts that she's in Dylan's life now, isn't going anywhere, and that Kelly should get used to that. So there.
Janet drags Steve to the dog park with her so she can check out Nipsy. When she gets a look at the scrappy little mutt, she's horrified...and isn't consoled when Steve points out that Nipsy has character. Mitzi wanders over to say hey to Steve and that she's looking forward to their dinner date, and Janet shoots the stink-eye at Steve. Incidentally, whoever thought it was a good idea to have a Mitzi and a Nipsy in the same subplot had no idea how confusing it would be to recap.
Beach house. Donna models a long grey sack of a dress for Noah and tells him it's the dress she designed for Clara. It seems kind of underwhelming to wear to a televised awards show, but OK. Noah gushes about what a brilliant designer she is, and she coquettishly asks him if he could help her out of the dress. He grins and coos, "With pleasure."
Courthouse. The DA tells Matt he's wasting his time trying to get a plea deal for Dylan, so Matt explains that on the night of the break-in, he was mostly assaulting the ghost of his dead wife's killer. The DA mulls that over and offers to drop the drug possession charge - but not the assault charge - so Matt tries to drum up more sympathy by adding that in Season 6, Dylan's wife (of five minutes) was killed before his eyes, and in Season 3 his father was (fake) blown up right in front of him. He pleads with the DA to give Dylan a second chance - and for some reason she softens enough to downgrade the charges to trespassing, which will entail a fine, probation, rehab, and community service. The two shake on it, and the DA reminds Matt that he owes her big time, and that she hopes his slouchy friend is worth it. Nope. He is not.
Beach house. Donna is watching the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards show with David and Steve, and is horrified when she sees that Clara has accessorized her sack dress with purple feather boas and other unspeakable accessories. When an entertainment reporter asks Clara who she's wearing, Noah proudly announces that it's a Donna Martin original. Bwahahaha! Donna cringes in mortification and moans that Clara has ruined her fugly outfit.
Hospital. Matt asks Gina how she's doing, and she tells him she's lonely, then lets out a bitter laugh and acknowledges that she doesn't have many friends. He asks her where Kelly is, and she wryly replies, "Take a wild guess" so Matt heads over to Dylan's hospital room and finds her standing over the Slouchster, staring down at him concernedly. He tells her he made a deal with the DA that will excuse Dylan from any jail time...and passive-aggressively grumbles about how owing the DA a favor will probably negatively affect his next client, then mutters, "But other people are always paying for Dylan's mistakes." He urges Kelly to let Gina hover over Dylan, but she refuses to budge...and then suddenly, Dylan starts to flatline (!), and a bunch of doctors and nurses rush around, desperately trying to shock his heart back to life.
Gina is pacing the waiting room as Matt sheepishly apologizes to Kelly for making that snarky remark about Dylan- instead of firmly standing by it like he has every right to. After about twenty minutes, the doctor comes out to tell them that Dylan's totes fine now that his heart has been shocked back into a normal rhythm...and that the only thing that ails him is the looming heroin withdrawal process. He urges them to go home and get some rest, but Gina insists on sticking around. As does Kelly, despite Matt's best efforts to get her to leave with him. He asks her to consider if there's more to her affection for Slouchy than that of a platonic friend, then dejectedly shuffles off like the spineless wussy little man he is.
Beach house. Noah finds Donna sitting in the living room, bummed about the scathing reviews her Clara dress has gotten, and its inclusion on fashion pages' Worst Dressed List. Noah apologizes for broadcasting to the world that she was the designer, but she assures him she understands that he was only trying to help, then gives him an impromptu cuddle.
Hospital. Gina opens up to Kelly about her portly mother, and how she always depended on Gina to do everything for her...and apparently this made Gina get used to feeling needed and important. She acknowledges how cunty she's been acting ever since her debut on Beverly Hills, 90210, and Kelly wryly says she's not the only one who's been behaving badly, and that Dylan's drug problems are solely his fault. Well duh. The doctor comes over to inform the two that Dylan is awake and can have visitors, so Kelly tells Gina, "Give him my best" and finally decides to abide by some reasonable boundaries and head home. Gina enters Dylan's room, and he tells her he's happy to see her, and she beams in response.
The Beverly Beat. Janet tells Steve that her dog didn't get knocked up by Nipsy after all...and that Trey invited her to dinner, but she turned him down. She's decided that Trey and his dog have zero personality - unlike Steve and Nipsy. Steve takes this as a hopeful sign and grins at her stupidly.
A group of young women stream inside Now Wear This and ask Donna if they have any dresses in stock like the one Clara wore to the Blockbuster Entertainment Awards. Apparently, they love whatever Clara wears, regardless of how fugly her choice in clothing is, or how relentlessly she's mocked on the various Worst Dressed lists.
Hospital. David drops by to see Dylan, who mumbles incoherently about not sweating the small stuff, but also not taking the important things in life for granted. David says he still wants them to be roommates, now that the heroin has worked its way out of his system. Dylan thanks him, and the two share a manly handshake.
Matt is on the phone when Kelly drops by his office to tell him she's officially decided she only likes Dylan as a friend. For the moment, anyway. She apologizes for her annoying relationship baggage, and he tells her she's not the only one with baggage...and speaking of baggage, could they please talk about this later so he can finish the phone conversation he's right in the middle of? She chirps, "Sure!" and gives him a quick peck before leaving. Once she's out of hearing range, he resumes his conversation with Lauren - spoiler: his wife! - and tells her how happy he is to hear her voice. On the other end of the line, in New York City, Lauren coos, "I love you sweetheart" and Matt dutifully returns her I love you as the scene fades to black.
Boring love triangle alert. Fuck.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
6/14/2018 11:19:33 am
I love your recaps, they make me laugh! Also, my favorite is when you add "LOL" at the best times! Haha! Thanks for these, even though I have no idea how old they are or if you're even still reading replies! Hulu is annoying and skips episodes and I think I look forward to your recaps more so than I do the actual episodes that they air! :)
Isabel K French
6/14/2018 11:23:55 am
Cindy: Thanks for the kind words. I have heard that Hulu doesn’t air every episode, so I am happy to hear that my recaps are filling the void. 🙂
8/2/2018 02:30:04 pm
I totally agree with this!! These recaps are my FAVORITE!! :)
8/16/2019 08:25:06 am
Yes! These are hilarious and get me through the gaps in Hulu.
1/27/2021 06:52:10 am
Same here. I 💘 his funny comments. And how he calls everyone like it is. So hilarious. Like Big headed Donna and Bitchy Kelly. Loooove it
11/12/2018 03:56:10 pm
I agree with everyone else. I love your recaps! Donna’s giant head and Kelly’s bitchitude and Dylan’s “slouchy” make me laugh the most! 😂😂 The way you describe everyone I can perfectly imagine as if I had been able to see the episodes that are missing. You are hilarious!
Isabel K. French
11/12/2018 05:00:47 pm
I aim to please. :)
4/1/2019 12:38:27 pm
"then says they've been friends for nine years"
12/3/2019 10:34:58 pm
I was cracking up when I read this too!!! Find Slouchy Edition 🤣🤣🤣
7/18/2020 10:16:54 am
Jenny B-I agree with the 9 year comment...it should have said good friends or something because a few times the do talk about elementary school. I thought the same thing...umm they have know each other longer than that.
7/22/2022 12:02:15 am
Oh my god do these writers even read their own stuff Kelly and Dylan have known each other since kindergarten I think that's a little bit longer than 9 years
5/14/2019 07:24:45 pm
Thank You for all the missing info needed due to Hulu’s lost files !!
7/3/2019 09:34:09 pm
(Matt) dejectedly shuffles off like the spineless wussy little man he is... dying!!! LO! I love reading your recaps, they are more enjoyable than watching these last few awful seasons! Thank you for many laughs.
7/4/2019 06:00:38 pm
Love the recaps! Currently binge watching on Hulu and you fill in all the missing episodes which I think your re caps are better than the actual episode. Thanks!
7/21/2019 06:00:18 pm
Thank God for you and your wonderfully written recaps. I was totes bummed when I saw that in later seasons more and more episodes were slipped. Until I found you, my love. After I finish the last season and a half of this horrid show I will go back and read ALL of your recaps. They're so much better than the actual show.
7/21/2019 06:01:58 pm
Terrific giant headed designer 😂😂😂
11/28/2019 08:37:49 am
I started watching 90210 when I saw "90210 - Look, They're Old" was coming out and was livid when I saw that Hulu skips many episodes! Your fill in the blank commentaries are hilarious and keep me up to date on what's going on. Thanks!
12/3/2019 10:26:03 pm
"Over at Casa David, Noah, Steve, and David admonish Dylan for not finishing the job - I mean nearly drowning Donna ".... Hahaha I died when I read this!!! 🤣
11/8/2020 05:54:10 pm
Your recaps are SOOO hilarious and literally the only reason I’m still watching this show since the end of season 8. 🤣🤣🤣 This episode was really the worst I watched so far. Haha Dylan on the big rock LOL 😂 The detox storyline starts to be a bit “used” and OMG yes boring love triangle alert 🚨 f*@&k 😭
7/15/2021 10:00:54 pm
Your recaps kill me! Thank you for filling the void for the skipped episodes on the streaming apps. Your comments especially make me giggle- most recently the ‘slouchy’ nickname for Dylan. You are so spot on with your commentary. Very entertaining!
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Television of Yore
Snide recaps of television's most entertaining classics