Recap: The camera pans across Jane's living room, where Jane's and Robert's clothes are sexily strewn about while they go at it atop the couch. Robert asks if he can stay the night, and she tells him she's up for that...and leaps onto him and wraps her legs around him so he's forced to physically transport her to the bedroom. A few seconds later, Sydney knocks on the door and begs Jane to pleeeeeeease answer, so Jane pauses her foreplay action with Robert to tell Sydney it's a bad time and that [if it's absolutely necessary] they can talk in the morning. She then slams the door in her sister's face so that she and Robert can continue enjoying their sexy time.
Over at the beach house, Michael and Kimberly are going at it in bed when Sydney calls to giddily report to Michael that she just got a waitressing job at Shooters. She suggests he stop by during her lunch shift tomorrow , after which they could head over to her place for another romp. Michael grunts one word answers in response for Kimberly's benefit - but when he hangs up, an irate Kimberly tells him it's weird that Sydney calls him, and that he needs to end "this little friendship".
Matt is at an art exhibition when an attractive gay man approaches him to discuss the painting he's been gazing at. He introduces himself as Joel Walker, owner of the gallery, and says he's seen him at the gym. Mmm hmm.. Katya [fuuuuuuuck] appears out of nowhere to cock-blockingly gush about the art on display, then introduces herself to Joel as Matt's wife...and a confused Joel's all, "Er, OK..?" before ambling off. Matt chides Katya for scaring off a promising romantic prospect, and Katya smirkingly apologizes and says she had no way of knowing that Joel was trying to pick him up. The two bicker back and forth, blah blah, before Katya points out that he can always return to the gallery tomorrow and explain the wife-beard situation to Joel.
Jo is gabbling excitedly at Alison and Billy about her date with "perfect" Steve, during which they sat and talked for hours and hours. Alison grits her teeth as she says it looks like this budding romance is "really turning into something", then contorts her face into an expression of irate jealousy.
Sydney drops by Jane's apartment to inform her that she's now employed at Shooters. Robert emerges from the bedroom and gushes about how great that is and invites her to join him, Jane, and his parents for dinner this weekend. Sydney glances over at Jane, who somehow refrains from shrieking, "Noooooooooo!!", and wisely says she can't make it 'cause she's scheduled to work.
Matt stops in at the gallery to confirm to Joel that he's gay, eager to mingle, and faux married to a woman who's avoiding deportation to Russia. Joel beams and invites him to the theater on Saturday night, and Matt happily accepts.
Katya tells Matt she got a call from an INS agent who plans to conduct a home visit on Sunday...and Matt's all, "Wha-a-a?" and reluctantly agrees that she and Nikki will have to move into his apartment to pretend they've been living together as a happy heterosexual couple since their sham wedding.
Michael is drinking a beer on the deck of his beach house when Sydney flounces over. Michael's all, "Ugh" and tells her that their icky hookup is over, but an unfazed Sydney says she somehow knows that Kimberly is working an all-night shift at the hospital and asks him if he's in love with her. He shrugs and replies, "We're together" as Sydney strips off her dress and eagerly says she's willing to do anything he wants. Michael perks up at the sight of her bared naughties...and in the next scene, the two are going at it in his bed. Sydney breathily declares, "I love you" and asks if he loves her, and he grunts in the affirmative - just as Kimberly - ack! - arrives home from work earlier than expected. When she hears giggly sex noises coming from the bedroom, she braces herself before flinging the door open and getting an eyeful of a naked Sydney mounted atop Michael. Sydney openly grins as Kimberly snaps, "Michael!" before whirling around to flee the room, and he's all, "OMG!" and springs out of the bed to run after her. She slaps him hard across the face, shrieks, "You bastard!", and storms out the door.
Kimberly stops by Jane's apartment to tattle on Michael for doinking Sydney in their bed, then declares that she and Michael are Splitsville. Jane says she couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses about the status of their relationship, and also expresses skepticism that Sydney would actually jump into bed with her ex-brother-in-law. Kimberly assures her it's the grisly truth, given what a sick fuck Michael has turned out to be, then says that she (Kimberly) did her (Jane) a HUGE favor by wrecking their marriage in Season 1. No argument there.
Jane storms over to Shooters, where a frazzled Sydney is serving the lunch crowd. Jane pulls her aside and asks her if it's true that she hit the sheets with Michael, and Sydney responds by staring back at her mutely. Jane's like, "OMG" as Sydney fibs about Michael not leaving her alone and says that when she told him about her new waitressing job, he practically raped her. Jane asks if that's actually what happened, and Sydney back pedals and cries, "I dunno!" and whines that no one else was paying any attention to her when she simply "wanted to be wanted". Jane snarls, "You little bitch", disowns her as her sister, and stalks off.
Moving day! Katya and Nikki move their things into Matt's apartment...and when Amanda wanders over to ask Matt whassup, he explains that an INS agent will be conducting a home visit to verify that he and Katya live together, then asks if she'd mind vouching for them. Amanda's like, "I would, actually" and says she'd rather not supply false information to a government agent - which really isn't an unreasonable response - and a miffed Matt decides it's probably better if she steers clear of the INS agent. Katya, meanwhile, unpacks her things and tells Matt they should go over the finer details of their faux courtship so that they can keep their stories straight while being questioned.
Michael races after Kimberly in the halls of the hospital to offer a lame explanation of why he hit the sheets with Sydney, but Kimberly snarls at him not to touch her, and declares them through. Michael whines that Sydney was the one who came onto him and that he now feels disgusting, and Kimberly snappishly tells him he should 'cause of what a wretched pig he is...then orders him to be the hell out of her beach house by the time she gets off work.
Joel arrives at Matt's apartment to pick him up for their theater date, and Matt introduces him to Katya and Nikki, who's now sick with a fever. Joel tells Matt he's surprised to see that his wife-beard actually lives with him, but Matt breezily tells him it's a temporary, INS-related arrangement.
Jane stops by Amanda's apartment to demand that she evict Sydney after the skank did an awful thing she's not willing to elaborate on. Amanda says she can't evict someone who's been paying rent and has a co-signer for the lease...and Jane correctly assumes that Michael is the co-signer and storms out.
During intermission at the theater, Matt is on the pay phone with Katya, checking up on Nikki and telling her where he keeps his aspirin. Joel ambles over once Matt hangs up, says it's pretty clear he's too distracted to enjoy the show, and offers to take him home. Matt agrees that that's probably best.
Kimberly arrives home and finds Michael eating dinner while watching TV. She stares at him incredulously and reminds him that he was supposed to pack up his shit and get the hell out of her house, but Michael says he decided 'fuck that' and accuses her of blowing the whole thing out of proportion. Kimberly shuts off the TV and yells, "Get out!" - but he says he's tired of his scorned women kicking him out of their home and is refusing to leave. Kimberly's like, "Fine!", throws a few of her things into a bag, says she'll pick up the rest of her stuff later, and storms out.
Jane tells Robert that Michael and Kimberly have split 'cause she caught him doinking Sydney...and as he processes that disturbing visual, Jane sobs in his arms and calls the entire situation sick. That it is, Jane. That it is.
Kimberly enters the hospital's staff lounge and finds it filled with flower bouquets, along with a 'please forgive me, I love you' note from Michael. As she stares contemplatively at the flowers, Michael appears behind her and tells her he cleaned out four florists in order to create this floral spectacle, and she snarls, "Something stinks in here, and it isn't the flowers" before crumpling up his note and throwing it onto the floor.
The INS agent is conducting an awkward home visit with Matt and Katya. The two manage to stick to their story about meeting in the hospital's cafeteria line and falling in love in time for him to marry her days before her scheduled return to Russia. When Nikki unexpectedly ambles into the room, the agent asks her if she misses Russia, and she tells him she misses her grandmother and likes her house better than Matt's shitty little apartment. He asks her if she likes Matt...and when she says she likes him a lot, the agent shoots Katya the stink-eye and snaps, "Did you mom tell you to say that?" Matt and Katya exchange worried glances that the jig might be up, but the agent drops the issue and abruptly announces that he needs to get going.
Jane and Robert are having dinner with Robert's parents when Michael suddenly pounds on the apartment door, demanding to talk to his ex-wife. When Robert opens the door, Michael shoves his way inside, glares at Jane, and snarls, "Please keep your slut sister out of my life!" Robert responds by grabbing and physically throwing him out of the apartment while his poor parents look on in horror.
Matt drops by the gallery to apologize to Joel for bailing out early the other night and to assure him he's very very interested in developing a budding romance. Joel tells Matt he's worried his life is too complicated right now, but Matt insists it really isn't and explains that Katya only became his wife-beard so she can legally stay in the U.S.
Later, Robert tell Jane that his father admonished him for getting himself tangled up with a divorced woman and her deranged ex, but that his reaction was, "To hell with you!" before explaining to his well-meaning pops he truly believes he found someone special. He then suggests to Jane they serve Michael with a restraining order, and Jane says she definitely likes the sound of that idea.
Katya tells Matt she heard back from the INS agent and is happy to report that he somehow believes that their marriage is on the up and up. Matt sourly replies, "That's nice. But I doubt Joel will want to date me anymore", and Katya scrunches her face concernedly and points out that from now on he has two people in his life - Nikki and herself - who will always love and care for him...and a still-sour Matt's all, "Yeah? Big whoop."
At D&D, Alison and Amanda are discussing various campaign ideas with Steve that include Jo's photography. Steve says that while he loves the photos and likes Jo, "she's no Alison, but what can you do?" Jo arrives a few seconds later to go to lunch with Steve...and once the two are out of earshot, Amanda tells Alison it's obvious to anyone with eyes that Steve has a hopeless crush on her, and that she doesn't seem to mind. Alison just shakes her head unconvincingly and half-heartedly denies that that's true.
Michael is paged to the hospital's reception area and finds Sydney waiting for him. She points out that since his relationship with Kimberly has fallen apart they no longer have to hide their unholy coupling, then coos, "I want to beeeeee there for you!" Michael stares back at her incredulously and tells her she was nothing more than a slutty diversion to him, and that after several romps, he really just wishes she'd get lost. Sydney contorts her face into a hurt expression and moans, "I love you", and he coldly replies, "That's your problem, isn't it?" and stalks off. Ouch.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Billy is nattering at Alison about a weekend trip to Santa Barbara they had planned to take, but she puts the kibosh on that and says she has to work all weekend to keep her high profile client happy. A vexed Billy's like, "Ooooh no. Not again!" and points out that she's entitled to a life outside of D&D. He poutishly says he thought they might celebrate his recent magazine article getting a three page color spread, and Alison exclaims about how wonderful that is, but that she still has to work all weekend. She then heads for the door and says she doubts she'll be home for dinner, but hopefully will be able to celebrate with him tomorrow night.
Papa Woodward is showing Amanda the vintage car he just bought - a '65 Avanti - when Jake happens to ambles by. Amanda introduces him to her dad, and then Jake announces he's off to a job interview.
Over at D&D, Alison, Amanda, and Steve McMillan are brainstorming various advertising ideas. Alison suggests using Steve to give "a human face" to his computers - but Amanda rejects the idea out of hand and snappishly says they need to move onto some fresher thinking. Steve argues that he actually looooves Alison's ideas and would like to explore them further, and a befuddled Amanda's like, "Whatevs. You two work it out. I've got other shit to do" and beats a hasty retreat. Steve contorts his face in a bewildered fuuuuuuuuuck expression and remarks on how competitive Amanda seems, and Alison quietly dishes, "You don't know the half of it." Steve grins and proposes she tell him all about it over dinner, and she non-commitally mutters, "Uh...yeah.."
At the hospital, Kimberly tells Michael she can't eat another meal in the hospital cafeteria and would like to go out for lunch later, but he declines and says that during lunch he has to rush over to Melrose Place to pick up some important papers he left behind. When she glares at him disapprovingly, he reminds her that he's doing this to cut off all old connections from the past, and promises to make it up to her tonight.
Michael arrives at Melrose Place and tiptoes up to Sydney's apartment. He gives her a smooch, then starts getting undressed...and Sydney giddily explains that her place is such a mess 'cause she hasn't yet had a chance to unpack all of her boxes, then incomprehensibly starts babbling about Puddles, aka the stuffed dog she's had since childhood and dragged along with her every time she's moved. A naked Michael's like, "I couldn't give the tiniest rat's ass about your stuffed toys" and gives her a tonguey smooch...and when she asks him if he remembered to bring along some protection so they can enjoy responsible icky sex, he mutters, "Uh huh" before the two start going at it.
Robert tells Jane he really really wants her to meet his friends, then informs her that one couple he hangs with has suggested going sailing this weekend and making the trip a foursome. Jane says she's not quite sure they're ready to spend an entire weekend together...but when he argues that she's in desperate need of some fun, she quickly thinks it over and is all 'ah, what the hell?'
Jake tells Amanda that he sailed through his job interview, was offered the job, and promptly accepted it. He admits that it pays crap, but that he took it 'cause he's just grateful to be employed so he can finally repay Jo the 15K he owes her. Amanda scrunches her face disapprovingly and says her dad is starting up a business in a swanky new garage and can pay him top dollar as head mechanic...and Jake says he's not sure that that's such a great idea, but agrees to at least call Papa Woodward. He then changes the subject and asks whassup with their budding romance, and she tells him she likes to take things slow...and he pretends he likes doing that too, then deflatedly heads back down to his place. Once he's fully out of earshot, Amanda calls her father and tells him she'd like to discuss a business proposition.
Jane is all packed for the sailing trip - but when Robert arrives to pick her up, she tells him she just can't bring herself to go away with him. An irked Robert says he wishes she'd told him prior to now, and she irritably suggests they "cool it" with their relationship 'cause she could really use a break. Ouch.
Jane laments to Alison about going off the deep end when she cancelled her plans to go sailing with Robert et. al. ... and explains that one minute she wants to be close to a guy, the next she prefers to live like a hermit. Alison assures her it's perfectly normal for her emotions to be out of whack so soon after a divorce, then suggests she go out with a fresh new guy who's not connected to her messy split from Michael. She adds that she has the perfect candidate - Russell, a hopelessly dorkish new account executive at D&D - and offers to set her up...and Jane mulls that over and decides 'what could possibly go wrong with that?'
Papa Woodward shows Jake the space he just leased for his new garage and says he needs a head mechanic who can supervise other mechanics and handle deliveries, etc. Jake says he's pretty sure he can manage that, so then Papa Woodward changes the subject and asks Jake if he's dating Amanda. Jake evasively says they're merely friends and that he thinks Amanda is great, and Papa Woodward sternly says she's the best thing in his life and that her happiness is the most important thing to him. He offers Jake a 15K advance atop a generous salary as his new head mechanic, and Jake reacts by getting all prickly-bitchy before growling, "I'm not looking for charity!" and storming off in a huff.
At D&D, Steve McMillan looks over a bunch of test photographs and tells Alison he likes Jo's work the best, then schmaltzily compliments Alison's pretty smile and says he'd looooove for them to get together outside of work. Alison declines and reminds him that she has a boyfriend, and Steve sheepishly admits to being pretty clumsy around women, then suggests calling up Jo to arrange a test shoot.
Sydney drops by Jane's apartment and offers to help with her design sketching, but an irritated Jane's like, "Get lost, I don't have time to be your babysitter." Sydney angrily snaps back that she isn't a kid, needlessly shares that she's currently seeing a hot guy who knows what she needs, and storms back up to her apartment.
Alison returns home late that evening and tells an irked Billy she got so consumed with her D&D work that she totally forgot about their plans to go out to dinner. Billy rolls his eyes and says he no longer wants to hear about anything D&D-related 'cause he's starting to suspect that she's attracted to Steve McMillan...then says she's going to have to put more quality time and effort into their relationship. Alison says it's ridiculous to suggest that she likes Steve and reminds Billy that he's merely her client, then wearily says she's much too tired to argue about this anymore.
Amanda drops by Jake's apartment to snarl about how ungrateful, insecure, and stubborn he is for turning down her father's job offer - and Jake denies her scathing critique of him and calls her out on enjoying intimidating people. Amanda's all, "Oh yeah? Well you're a moody rebel" ... and he responds by pulling her towards him, and smooching her all Neanderthal-like before ripping her blouse open in the heat of passion. Amanda counters by ripping off his t-shirt...and then Jake picks her up and slings her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes before depositing her atop the couch and mounting her.
The following morning, during a post-coitus canoodle, Jake asks Amanda what it means now that they've slept together. She's like, "I dunno" and says she has no interest in getting too seriously too quickly, and he's like, "Yeah, me neither" and tells her he's up for reconsidering her father's job offer.
Over at the hospital, Kimberly remarks to Michael how happy he seems [now that he's doinking Sydney on the side], and Michael decides 'why not call Sydney from the doctors' lounge with Kimberly sitting here listening?' and pretends he's making another lunchtime appointment to deal with his important papers.
Photo shoot! Alison dishes to Jo what Steve is like beneath his computer-nerd exterior and admits that she finds him attractive - but is super committed to her relationship with Billy. As Jo starts photographing Steve, it becomes obvious that he's far too self-conscious with Alison watching, so Jo orders her to step out and then barks at Steve to loosen up.
Michael and Sydney get dressed post-doink - ew - and when Michael glances out the front window, he spots Jane swimming laps in the courtyard pool. He asks Sydney if she's still dating her lawyer, then mutters how much it pisses him off to see his ex-wife happy.
Jake returns to Papa Woodward's garage to sheepishly apologize for acting like such a rude dickwad the other day, and agrees to take the job and accept the 15K cash advance.
Jane is out with Russell, the account executive who Alison set her up with...and yeesh, he is one unappealing turd. He stupidly tells Jane he's been "kissing up" to Alison lately 'cause she has a fancy new client and is Amanda's "right hand girl" ... then asks Jane if Alison's "white bread, farm girl thing" is an act. Jane tells him that while Alison clearly sucks ass at match-making, she's genuinely a very nice person - just as Robert happens to enter the restaurant. When he glances around and spots her looking distressed, she mouths 'help me'. Robert chuckles to himself, then wanders over and fake admonishes Jane for going out on the town and leaving her mom to raise her large brood of kids for her. Russell gasps in horror at the mention of children and beats a hasty retreat, and Jane giggles amusedly and asks Robert if he wouldn't mind taking her home.
Jake drops by Jo's apartment to give her the 15K he owes. She tells him she doesn't want it and would prefer that he use the money to invest in another bike shop - but he insists he doesn't want to be in debt any longer, then forcibly hands it to her and bellows, "I don't want your money!" before fleeing.
Jane tells Robert she's definitely not ready for the blind dating scene, and he says he decided to not go sailing without her. She thanks him for his lack of jealousy when he "caught her" on a date with Russell, then invites him to dinner and a movie tomorrow night. He eagerly accepts and leans in for a goodbye smooch.
Michael finds Kimberly sleeping in the on call room at the hospital. He stares at her for several seconds and mutters, "I'm sorry" ... and when she wakes up and is all, "Wuh?", he pretends that what he's sorry for is getting all caught up with his divorce stuff lately, and says he hopes that his anger towards Jane hasn't harmed their relationship. Kimberly assures him it hasn't, and the two exchange I love yous.
Jake and Amanda return to Melrose Place after going out for a hearty breakfast - and the two run into Jo, who glares at them and snarls, "Now I get it" and accuses Jake of wanting to wipe the slate clean and start fresh with a new woman. Well duh. As Jake tries to half-heartedly deny any slate cleaning, Jo bitchily informs Amanda that Jake is awesome in bed, but has limited conversation skills...and Amanda refrains from looking fake shocked [at that tidbit that anyone who's known Jake for at least ten minutes could have safely assumed] before Jake snaps, "Are you done?" Jo says she's completely done with him, then storms up to her apartment to privately stew. A few seconds later, Steve McMillan calls to ask her out, and she starts laughing like a hyena before explaining that she's not laughing at him - but rather at the way her life is turning out, and that she'd loooooove to go out with him.
Alison tells Billy she'd like to make up for all the long nights at the office by spending the day together in Malibu - just as Jo calls to excitedly report that Steve McMillan asked her out. Alison exclaims, "That's terrific!" ... but when Billy remarks on what a cute couple he thinks Jo and Steve will make, Alison stares into space looking visibly miffed.
Michael meets up with Sydney at Shooters to tell her that while it's been great doinking her for a short time, he needs to break it off so he can focus exclusively on his hookup with Kimberly. He makes it clear that he doesn't anyone to know about their icky affair, and also doesn't want her dropping by the beach house anymore. He flatly states, "It's over", to which Sydney retorts, "No way!", insists that they belong together, then gets up and vows to make his life very uncomfortable if he tries to cut her loose. She then flounces out of the bar, leaving Michael staring after her concernedly.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Jane and Robert are parked in front of the Melrose Place complex, smooching and cooing at each other about how amaaaaazing last night's doinkfest was. Jane says she has to get changed for work...and Robert promises to call her later, then admires her backside as she climbs out of his car and sashays into the courtyard.
Jane hears loud music coming from her apartment and rolls her eyes in annoyance as she storms inside, shuts off the stereo, and orders Sydney to pack up her shit and get the hell out. Sydney's all, "Wha-a-a?" and says she can't possibly be this angry about her going to Michael's party after pretending she was starting a new hostessing job, and Jane's like, "I can, actually" and says she no longer has the time or energy to deal with her stupid head games.
Over at D&D, Amanda summons Alison to her office and briefs her on MicroComp, a computer hardware company that's run by an eccentric rancher named Steve McMillan. She tells Alison that her assignment is to drive out to his ranch and pitch D&D as MicroComp's ad agency of choice - and to not be too disappointed if the effort fails, 'cause Steve McMillan has a reputation of being "a meeting whore" who's turned down every major agency.
Matt arrives at Katya's apartment, where Katya and Nikki are glumly packing for their return tip to Russia. Matt tells Katya he's been thinking about his refusal to leap into a green card marriage with her, decided it was selfish, and will marry her now if she's still interested. Katya lights up, exclaims, "Yes!", and rushes towards him for a grateful hug.
Michael laughs out loud when Matt, for some reason, confides in him about his plan to marry Katya. He goes on to share that the ceremony will take place tomorrow, and that they're having a reception to which the entire Melrose Place crew (including him) is invited - but Michael declines and says that he and Kimberly will be in San Francisco attending a medical seminar. Michael then runs into Kimberly, who informs him that he's been dis-invited from the San Francisco seminar 'cause he has a lot of hours he needs to make up, and a miffed Michael's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and gets even more miffed when Kimberly says that she's A-OK going to San Francisco without him.
Late that night, Billy is keeping Alison company at D&D as she works on her presentation and moans about the hopelessness of convincing an eccentric CEO like Steve McMillan to sign with D&D. Billy tells her not to stress out and try to develop more of an easygoing attitude about the pitch, like he did when he didn't do any prep for his SATs yet scored amazingly high. Given Billy's general boneheadedness, I find that impossible to believe...but whatever, writers.
Amanda finds Jake doing laps in the Melrose Place pool and flirtily remarks on how inviting the water looks, then compliments his "smooth stroke". Mmm hmm.. When Jake barely grunts in response, she asks him if he's still angry about the face slap she gave him during the previous episode, but he assures her he couldn't care less 'bout that and explains that he simply has no desire to flirt back with someone who's into cat and mouse games. He then climbs out of the pool, brusquely bids her good night, and disappears inside his apartment.
The next morning, Jane emerges from her apartment just as Amanda is handing Sydney the keys to a vacant second floor apartment across the courtyard. When an alarmed looking Jane asks whassup, Sydney waves her keys in the air and gleefully declares, "I'm moving in!" LOL. Jane warns Amanda that Sydney has no money or job - but Amanda seems oddly unconcerned about the possibility of not being able to collect rent from her newest unemployed tenant and says she doesn't discriminate based on sibling rivalry.
While en route to the McMillan ranch, Alison nearly plows into a man who's horseback riding...and she profusely apologizes and asks if he could give her directions. He points her in the direction of the ranch's main house...and when she informs a ranch hand that she's here to meet with Steve McMillan, he motions over at the horse-riding man she just nearly ran over. Steve graciously introduces himself and suggests they conduct their meeting on his swanky outdoor patio.
Alison makes her pitch, awkwardly nattering about computer stuff which she clearly knows nothing about. When she hands him a sample ad, he says that while her proposal isn't the worst thing he's ever had to listen to, it's not at all what he's looking for. He then shrugs and says, "Sorry you had to make the trip" and that he'll have someone bring her car around. As she drives down the winding path towards the main road, beating herself up about delivering such a lame pitch, her brakes suddenly fail and she crashes into a fence. She climbs out of the car unharmed and wails about the damage to the front end, then grabs her purse and hikes up to the ranch house.
Matt, Katya, and Nikki arrive at the L.A. County Courthouse to undergo the blandest wedding ceremony in primetime TV history. During a moment alone, Nikki asks Matt if he loves her mom despite never kissing her, and he says he does, and that he agreed to this charisma-free charade mostly 'cause he wants the two of them to have the chance to live a good life in America. A few seconds later, the three are called into an office, where the officiator looks over the marriage license, asks Matt and Katya if they take this woman/man to serve as one another's temporary wife-beard/ticket to citizenship, and each says, "I do." The two exchange rings, are declared husband and wife, and stiffly hug.
That evening, Alison and Steve McMillan sit on the patio and enjoy the star-filled evening. Alison blushingly says she's soooo embarrassed by her presentation and knows how badly she blew it, and Steve's like, "Well duh", but adds that she's not the first. She admits knowing zilch about computers, and he chuckles and says that that much was painfully obvious...but then explains that he's really not trying to be a dick about selecting an advertising campaign - he just doesn't quite know what he's looking for. Alison unwittingly resolves the issue when she remarks on how she generally lets her computer do her thinking for her: turn on, save, print. As far as she's concerned, the rest of the operating system is a mystery.
Wedding reception! Jane arrives with Robert and introduces him to the Melrose Place gang - except for Sydney, who's forced to introduce herself. Matt and Katya burst in a few seconds later...and after Katya proudly flashes her wedding ring at everyone and giddily announces that they're officially husband and wife, her Russian friend appears and urges everyone to do shots and start line dancing.
Amanda gets visibly drunk and openly flirts with Jake at the table, which prompts a bitter Jo to scrunch her face in an even more sour expression than her usual sour expression. Michael arrives carrying a gift, notices Jane and Robert hanging together, and mockingly accuses Robert of being "that distinguished counsellor who took me for all my money". He then turns his ire on Jane and marvels at the way she's paying off her legal fees: in the sack. An enraged Jane reacts by punching him in the face...and when he lunges in her direction, the Melrose Place gang springs into action and drags him away from her. Sydney pulls Michael aside and asks why in blazes he'd come to this reception...and he poutishly says that Matt invited him, and that since his San Francisco plans fell through he figured 'why not make a surprise appearance at Matt's wedding reception and accuse my ex-wife of prostituting herself with her divorce lawyer?' Sydney offers to lend a sympathetic ear if he needs someone to talk to, but he snarks, "I got enough problems" and dejectedly shuffles out of the restaurant. Sydney stares after him longingly and softly coos, "Good night, Michael."
Jake escorts an inebriated Amanda home as she rambles nonsensically about how Matt and Katya are the perfect couple, then remembers that Matt's gay and realizes 'er, not'. When they enter her apartment, she turns on some music and sexily sways...and Jake gives her a from-behind canoodle, picks her up and carries her over to the couch, then abruptly bids her goodnight. A miffed Amanda calls him a tease, so he explains that her decision making abilities are currently impaired, and that he'll call her when they're not.
Sydney drops by the beach house to check on Michael, who's still humiliated about getting that well-deserved punch in the face. Sydney informs him that Jane threw her out of her apartment, but that it's not a problem 'cause she got her own apartment across the courtyard...the only wrinkle being that Amanda wants her to get someone to co-sign for the rent. Michael asks if Jane is angry about her having an apartment in the same complex...and Sydney grins, confirms that her sister is indeed livid about it, and hands him the paperwork. He happily signs on as co-signer as Sydney disappears into his bedroom...and when he ambles over to see whassup, she unbuttons her top as he lustily stares at her. He then leans in for a smooch before steering her towards the bed and mounting her.
Alison returns home the following morning, climbs into bed with Billy, and tells him that Steve McMillan's ranch hands were able to fix her damaged car. She says she's exhausted 'cause she stayed awake all night worrying about how badly she screwed the pooch on her presentation, which Billy rightly points out shouldn't trouble her so much 'cause at best it was a long shot.
Michael's alarm goes off, and he looks outside his window and spots Sydney happily prancing on the beach. When he goes outside to get a better look, she barrels toward him and kisses him while cackling about how utterly delighted she is that they've finally bumped uglies. Michael agrees that last night's romp was fantastic - but also a one night stand...and now that it's over, she should probably be on her way now. She begs for permission to stay for one day given that Kimberly is in San Francisco, and he mulls that over and decides 'sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?'
At D&D, Alison is summoned to Amanda's office and is stunned to see Steve McMillan in the room. Amanda announces that MicroComp is coming aboard, and Steve explains to Alison that after their conversation last night he got to thinking that when it comes to marketing his computers, simplicity is the answer. He tells Amanda he'd like for Alison to be his liaison, and she assures him she's A-OK with that, and Steve and Alison make arrangements to start brainstorming that afternoon. Once he's out of hearing range, Amanda nods approvingly at Alison and gushes, "You did it!" and smilingly adds, "You've officially arrived." Hurray!
Jake is fixing his motorcycle in front of Melrose Place when Amanda returns home from work and wanders over to ask him if anything naked-related happened between them last night. Jake plays dumb, asks her what she thinks might have happened, then makes it clear that, no, he didn't take advantage of her while she was drunk. Amanda says she's never drinking "that Russian poison again", and Jake looks wistful and says it was actually nice seeing a less uptight side to her. Amanda snaps, "If I were you I wouldn't expect to see it again anytime soon" and sashays into the courtyard.
The next morning, Jane is washing her car when Robert drops by to nonsensically admit that he's been avoiding her lately 'cause it dawned on him that, despite all of the complications in her life right now, he's totes in love with her. Jane looks pleasantly surprised by the declaration, suggests taking things with their blossoming romance one day at a time, then presses herself against him for a hug and a smooch.
Alison and Steve are in a D&D conference room, brainstorming and sharing personal tidbits about themselves. Alison tells him she has a roommate-turned-boyfriend, while Steve says that he's too single-minded and career-driven to maintain any kind of relationship. He then stares at her all smitten-like and says he predicts that their partnership is going to work out just fine.
Matt tags along with Katya when she's paged to the hospital's reception area, where the two are confronted by an agent from Naturalization and Immigration. He says he's making an official field visit, then shakes his head dismayingly as he says, "You wouldn't believe how many scams people run these days" aka marriages of convenience with money involved...and Matt and Katya nervously assure him that that isn't the case with their marriage 'cause of how "madly in love" they are. The agent glares suspiciously at Katya and says she neglected to indicate on her form where she's going to be living, and Matt stammers that of course Katya and Nikki will be living with him in his tiny rental apartment. The agent makes note of that and announces that he'll check in with them again...and once he's out of earshot, a rattled Katya and Matt agree that he seemed really suspicious.
Billy arrives at D&D and wanders around looking for Alison...and eventually finds her in the conference room, giggling with Steve McMillan. When Alison spots him peering at them through the window, she excuses herself to tell Billy that they're in the middle of something and to please wait for her in the lobby. As a displeased Billy makes a mental note of Steve's good looks and undeniable sex appeal, Alison promises to wrap up the meeting pronto.
Over at the beach house, Sydney is on the phone with her mother, fibbing that Jane is strapped for cash and too proud to ask for help. She directs her mother to send money to a "neighbor" in the Melrose Place complex (aka her new apartment) so that Jane isn't the wiser when she (Sydney) finds sneaky ways to slip some cash into her wallet without her knowledge. After she hangs up, she notices Kimberly striding up to the front door, cries, "Ack!" and quickly gathers her clothes and sneaks out the side door before leaping off the balcony. An oblivious Kimberly heads straight for the bathroom, where a startled Michael has just gotten out of the shower. As he glances around to see if Sydney is lurking around, Kimberly coos about how much she missed him this weekend and gives him a smooch...and outside Sydney is happily skipping along the beach.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Billy pours the last of the orange juice for Alison and suggests they take a break from their respective jobs at lunchtime and meet up for a romantic picnic in the park. Alison says she's definitely up for that - just as Jake bursts in [without bothering to knock] to ask if he can help himself to some breakfast. He explains that he hasn't yet gotten the hang of living on his own again and didn't think to do any grocery shopping. Alison asks him if he misses Jo, and he firmly says no...and when Billy tries to offer him relationship advice, he makes it clear he's not open to it.
Jo arrives at D&D to tell Amanda that since things are so tense and awkward with Jake, she no longer wants to work on the Sage Brush Beer campaign. Amanda tells Jo that while she sympathizes with whatever post-breakup emotional turmoil she's currently enduring, she expects her to be an adult with respect to her professional obligations and honor the contract she signed with D&D...then makes it clear that she can't/won't release her from said contract.
Michael is grumbling while signing the alimony agreement that entitles Jane to half of his net earnings for the next two years. Haha! When he chides Jane for being a greedy gold digger, she reminds him that he was the one who betrayed her and should be lucky she's not going after his earnings for more than two years. He vows to make her earn every penny (not sure what that means, exactly), then storms out...and Jane's lawyer Robert assures her that she did the right thing, then encourages her to keep in touch, even if it's not about divorce-related matters. Mmm hmm.. Jane thanks him for doing such a great job representing her, kisses his cheek, and sashays out of the room as he stares after her longingly.
Over at the hospital, Matt runs into a glum Katya and asks her whassup. She tells him the hospital had to let her go 'cause she's on the tail end of her third visa extension, which means she'll have to return to Russia very soon. She says she knew this was coming, but was hoping for a miracle [in the form of a green card marriage to a certain gay man].
During the lunch picnic, Alison tells Billy that she very much wants to nudge Jake and Jo in the direction of reconciling and moving back in together, while Billy contorts his face into a meh expression and says he's way more interested in letting those two figure things out on their own.
That evening, Jake is out dining with Alison and Billy when - surprise! - Jo arrives for the double date. Jo and Jake look at each other and are all, "The hell?" when they realize that the dinner was a setup to get them in the same room together. Alison points out that the four of them are still friends and should therefore be able to share a meal together, so Jo and Jake attempt smalltalk...which quickly degenerates into a bickerfest about her intimacy issues and his pride problems. Eventually the two decide they can't bear to be in each other's presence, and Jo storms off while an irritated Jake tells Alison and Billy to give it a rest with their re-matchmaking.
Jane tearfully tells Sydney her marriage is absolutely, finally, truly over. Sydney tries to cheer her up by inviting her along to the movies, but Jane says she'd rather stay in and assures her she'll be fine, and Sydney's like, "Kewl!" and scampers off decked out in a crop top and form fitting pants. Jane turns on the TV but can't get into it, then takes off her wedding ring and and starts to sob.
Matt and Katya are watching Nikki play at the local playground. Katya marvels at the enthusiasm Nikki exhibits about absolutely everything, then sadly says there's not much a future in store for her in Russia. A few seconds later, she brightens again and invites Matt to join her and Nikki for a hot dog dinner, and he happily accepts.
Photo shoot! Jo is barking orders at Jake about how she needs him to pose while sitting on his motorcycle...and Amanda gets into the fray and says she has an idea of how to make Jake look hotter, then rips open his shirt. LOL. Jake gets fed up and retreats to his trailer...and when Amanda rushes after him to see whassup, he snarlingly reminds her that he's not a piece of meat [despite being cast as the show's primary source of eye candy]. She argues that since he signed up to model, he kinda is a piece of meat for the purposes of this photo shoot - but then promises to speak to Jo about dialling down her bitchitude.
Michael is whining to Matt about Jane getting custody of half of his earnings and all of their Melrose Place friends, so Matt points out that he could always get together with the gang outside the complex. Michael perks up at that idea and excitedly tells Kimberly, who happens to wander by at that moment, that he wants to throw a party at their beach house this weekend. Kimberly makes a blech face, but reluctantly agrees...and Michael urges Matt to invite the entire cast (sans Jane).
Alison tells Billy she has zero desire to go to Michael's beach house bash and is annoyed that Billy seems interested in attending. When Billy points out that it is possible for a couple to have their own individual friends, Alison accuses him of being too cavalier about Michael's adultery...then says she'll be very interested, in a judgey type way, to see who from the complex attends the party and who doesn't.
After the hot dog dinner, Katya complains to Matt about the shittiness of Russia, aka Land of No Hope, and that she fears never getting the chance to leave her homeland again if she goes back. Matt clucks sympathetically and says he half-heartedly wishes there was something he could do 'bout that, and she's like, "Actually, you can" and produces a wad of cash and says he can have it in return for the favor of marrying her. Matt stares back at her in horror and firmly says he won't take her money and/or marry her.
Amanda drops by Jake's apartment to show him how beautifully the photos from the shoot turned out, and to wank him about what a natural he is in front of the camera. When Jake grumbles about not being interested in modelling for a living, she points out that he should think of it as his day job and use it to finance what he really wants to do. He mulls that over, then asks her if she's going to Michael's party...and when she says she is, he suggests they go together.
Alison and Billy return to the complex after a jog...and Alison is still irked at Billy for wanting to attend Michael's party. He points out that he's allowed to have his own opinion - plus all the other Melrose Place guys are going. Alison huffily says she's making her own plans tonight, then heads over to Jane's apartment to suggest a ladies night out. Jane likes the idea and invites Sydney along, but Sydney fibs that she's starting a new job at a restaurant and can't make it.
Michael returns to the beach house with bags of junk food for the party - just as Sydney arrives to help with the preparations. Kimberly isn't thrilled to see her, and looks even less thrilled when she realizes that both she and Sydney made guacamole.
Later, the party is in full swing with a mixture of Melrose Place folk and hospital staff. As Michael giddily circulates among the guests, Billy and Jake remark on how Alison and Jo were both no-shows...and a few seconds later, Amanda sashays over to saucily invite Billy to dance.
Michael asks Matt why he's being so mopey at his party, so Matt tells him that Katya offered him money for a green card marriage. Michael chuckles and says it sounds like the perfect kind of marriage, then jests that maybe this means that someone will actually get some use out of his last name. Matt glares at him for the homophobic crack and snarls, "Have a great party, Michael" before angrily stalking off.
Amanda asks Billy where Alison is tonight...and when he tells her that Alison's off doing stuff on her own, she chuckles about how unwise it is for a woman to let her hot boyfriend attend a beach party alone. A few seconds later, Jake cuts in and says he doesn't approve of any woman he's interested in carrying a torch for another guy, and Amanda assures him that she generally makes it a habit of leaving a party with the guy she came with.
Alison, Jo, and Jane spend their ladies night out at Shooters complaining about the Melrose Place menfolk, and when Jane can take it no longer, she makes a beeline over to the pay phone and calls Robert to see if he's up for a booty call.
Robert tells Jane he was pleasantly surprised that she called, then offers her a glass of wine. She responds by staring at him hungrily before urgently unbuttoning his shirt...and soon the two are naked and rolling around on the living room carpet.
Alison returns home and is surprised to see Billy in the kitchen. He tells her he left Michael's party early 'cause he missed her, then hands her a bouquet of flowers. She squeals about how much she looooves it, then acknowledges that he was right when he was pontificating earlier about how couples don't need to agree on everything.
Jake escorts Amanda to her front door, presumes that he's invited inside, and heads straight for her fridge and grabs two beers. Amanda says it's getting late - but he ignores that overt hint to leave and wanders over to the air conditioner and asks her if she's planning to install window units in all of the Melrose Place apartments. She says, "Eventually" and makes it clear she's ready to end the evening - but he continues to ignore her hint-dropping and flirtily says he's definitely interested in her. Amanda says he must have misread the situation and would like it if he left now...and when he responds by smooching her, she smacks him across the face and finally orders him to get the hell out. After she closes the door in his face - LOL - she ambles over to the air conditioner and lets the cool air blow across her lithe body.
Michael apologizes to Kimberly for partying so hard...and the two start smooching - until they hear moaning sounds coming from the bedroom. They quickly investigate and find a drunken Sydney sprawled atop the bed, giggling about the spinning room. Michael tells a dismayed Kimberly that they have no choice but to let Sydney spend the night, and Kimberly concurs, but orders Michael to remove her from the bed so she doesn't throw up all over her sheets.
Jane and Robert are nakedly canoodling in front of his fireplace, enjoying some post-coital afterglow. She natters about not knowing how she feels at this very moment, other than how desperate she was getting to be desired. Robert says that having a one night stand doesn't heal wounds, but that she doesn't need to apologize for using him for sex 'cause he really digs her, was utterly delighted with the doink, and enjoys her company.
Matt joins Katya and Nikki at their regular Sunday park outing, where Nikki likes to ride the carousel. Katya tells Matt they're scheduled to return to Russia within a week, and Matt stares back at her sadly and murmurs, "I'm sorry.."
Kimberly reminds Michael that she has rounds at the hospital this morning, then tells him to check on Sydney to make sure the tart is still breathing. He walks in on his former sister-in-law while she's getting out of the shower, and she happily bares her naughties as she sassily asks him to get her a towel...and he hands her one while staring lustily at her naked bod as if he's never seen an unclothed woman before.
Recap: A grim-faced Jake is wandering around the apartment, gathering up his stuff...and when Jo wakes up and asks him whassup, he tells her he's moving out on account of how miffed he is that she clearly doesn't trust him. Jo explains that she was far too discombobulated last night to assure him she doesn't believe he'd deliberately burn his own shop down, and insists that she has plenty of faith in him. She presses herself against him in a hug, but he continues to look irritated while staring despondently into space.
Jane berates Sydney for blabbing to Michael about her date with Sam, and Sydney weakly denies spilling the beans...but then admits that, yeah, she accidentally blurted it out to Michael - who, she claims, keeps calling her and won't leave her alone. She scrunches her face in faux confusion and says she has no idea anymore what she's allowed to say or not say, and Jane just kind of rolls her eyes and says she's off to her pre-divorce deposition.
Billy drops by D&D to tell Alison that he scored an interview with a reclusive hotel magnate named John Bryant, gets a free overnight stay at the luxury property, and wants her to tag along for the next day and a half. Alison says she probably shouldn't, given that she's on thin ice with Amanda 'cause of how craptastic her work performance has been lately, but then gigglingly decides to come up with a plausible sounding disease in order to free herself up for the mini-vacay.
At the hospital, Michael canoodles Kimberly and apologizes for whatever shitty thing he said or did earlier that morning. He explains that his divorce from Jane is really getting to him, then offers to take her to dinner after his deposition. A few seconds later, Michael runs into a worried looking Matt, who tells him that Katya invited him to dinner at her place and appears to have zero gaydar, as is evidenced by how openly smitten with him she is. Michael breezily replies that surely the woman is able to sense his gayness, but Matt just stares confusedly into space and wonders aloud, "How?"
Mr. Harris [of the insurance company] is trying to talk Jake through last night's events so that he can recall whether or not he accidentally started the fire that burned his shop to the ground. Jake thinks hard for a few seconds and remembers that he turned off the blow-torch when he left for beers with Amanda, but admits that he may not have turned it off all the way.
During the deposition, Michael blames the breakdown of his marriage on Jane's unfaithfulness with Sam...and when Jane's all, "Wuh?" and hisses at her lawyer that he's lying, he whispers back that it's all good 'cause then they'll be able to nail him for perjury. Michael claims that Jane and Sam hooked up while he spent long nights working at the hospital, and that the hanky panky continues to this day. Jane bellows that he's only accusing her of cheating to cover for his own infidelity, so then Michael contorts his face in a look of wistful sadness as he asks no one in particular how he could be expected to continue in a marriage his wife was making a mockery of by getting it on with his ex-bestie. Jane's lawyer asks him if he's been hitting the sheets with his colleague Kimberly, and Michael flatly denies doing any such thing and calls the question ridiculous. An enraged Jane bellows, "You're lying!" and storms out of the room, her lawyer rushing after her. She admits to him that, yeah, she had dinner with Sam six months ago, when he planted that unwelcome kiss on her lips - but the didn't see him again until just recently. Her lawyer chides her for not mentioning any of this to him prior to now, and sternly reminds her that she needs to come clean about everything if she expects to win this case.
Jo is developing photos when a broody Jake returns home. He tells her he's pretty sure he didn't turn off the blow-torch all the way before he left the bike shop to have drinks with Amanda...and Jo murmurs, "Ooooh Jake.." Jake punches the doorframe while lamenting his monumental stupidity in destroying the shop. Jo coos at him to not be so upset, then points out that despite losing her 50K investment, she's barely even bothered about it. Jake gets visibly irked at the mention of the 50K she [unwisely] sunk into his ill-fated business, snarls, "I knew it would come to this", then storms over to the kitchen. He pulls open the refrigerator door, then slams it open and shut several times before knocking the poor thing over altogether. When Jo screeches, "Stoppppppp it!!!", he responds by picking up a bottle of wine and smashing it against the wall above her fireplace. Jo, who's now covered with splattered wine and surrounded by glass shards, shoots him the stinkiest stink-eye possible and hisses at him to Get. Out.
Jake makes a beeline over to Amanda's apartment to report that his relationship with Jo is officially kaput and he would therefore like his old apartment back. Amanda perks up at that development and says his old place is still available, then reminds him that the offer for him to be the Sage Brush Beer spokesmodel for a D&D client still stands.
Amanda heads over to Jo's place to inform her that Jake asked for his old apartment back, then glances inside and looks aghast by the overturned fridge and wine bottle fragments littered everywhere. When Jo confirms that Jake caused the damage during a particularly destructive temper tantrum, a concerned Amanda asks if he also hit her - and Jo assures her he did not. Amanda tells Jo that if she'd rather Jake didn't get his old apartment back she'd totes understand, but Jo says she doesn't mind Mr. Anger Management Problem living in the complex - she just doesn't want him living in her apartment anymore.
Billy and Alison arrive at John Bryant's swanky resort...and Billy decides it's probably time to break it to Alison that she's going to have to make herself scarce during check-in, 'cause he wasn't actually supposed to bring anyone along on this business trip. Alison's all, "Wha-a-a?" and makes it clear how annoyed she is at having to hide her presence.
Ten minutes later, Alison meets up with Billy in his suite, and is impressed by the luxuriousness of the room. The two kiss their way to the bedroom and start getting on - just as John Bryant calls to invite Billy to join him and his daughter for dinner. Billy reluctantly accepts, then promises a miffed looking Alison that he'll make it up to her by taking her out to a fancy dinner another time.
Jane runs into Michael while grocery shopping, and she reacts by wheeling her cart in the opposite direction - but a few seconds later changes her mind and marches over to him and crashes her cart into his. She snarls at him for brazenly lying during the deposition, then asks whassup with him shopping at her favorite grocery store. He replies that he's simply playing as dirty as she is, and pretends he had no idea he could run into her here. Jane smugly assures him that her lawyer is going to nail him for perjury, then grabs a jar of pasta sauce out of his cart, opens it, and pours it all over his head [while he just stupidly stands there] before sashaying off.
Billy is dining with John Bryant and his nymphy daughter Arielle, who's flirtily telling Billy about her love of all things Brazilian...and while John is distracted when his assistant suddenly comes over, Arielle tells Billy she has her own suite and tries to hand him a key - but he's all, "Ack!" and hastily hands it back. When the assistant leaves, Billy compliments John on his yummy wine choice, and John notices that a pretty blonde woman across the restaurant - who, by scripted coincidence, is Alison - is drinking the same wine, he raises his glass to her, and remarks how sad it is to see a woman dining alone. LOL. Seriously? Alison just kind of shrugs at a bewildered looking Billy, then gets incensed when she sees Arielle putting her arm around Billy's chair. She gets up and races out of the restaurant...and when Billy notices she's gone, he excuses himself from the table and rushes out after her. Alison rails about how annoyed she is at herself for risking trouble with Amanda to go on such a lame mini-vacay...and adds that she didn't much appreciate watching Arielle grope him at the table. Billy assures her she doesn't need to worry about that tart, and once again promises to make it up to her.
Matt is dining with Katya, who cluelessly asks him what he looks for in a relationship. He replies that he most prizes honesty and chemistry, then comes right out and says that his prior significant others were guys. Katya's all, "Wha-a-a? Really?", admits that she somehow assumed he's straight, then assures him she's A-OK being platonic friends. She then shares a boring secret of her own: she has a five year old daughter named Nikki, who's currently at a sleepover.
Jake asks Jo to meet him at Shooters so he can apologize for trashing her apartment...and I couldn't help but notice that his apology didn't include him offering to pay for the damage or help clean any of it up. Jo accepts his apology - but makes it clear that she's not quite ready to brush off his scary violent temper, and reminds him that she recently divorced a violent man and has no desire to live with another. Jake gets annoyed by the entirely reasonable implication that his ragey temper might possibly extend to physical abuse and decides that she couldn't possibly love him if she believes that about him. Jo argues that she actually really does love him...then storms off, leaving Jake staring blankly into space.
Over at the swanky resort, Alison orders breakfast and wakes Billy with a kiss. She explains that she's no longer angry about being a hidden hotel guest now that she's done some reading about John Bryant and realized what a coup it was for him (Billy) to score this interview. She then adds that she's extra buoyant 'cause she thought up an entire campaign idea for the Famous Family restaurant D&D account...and Billy's all, "Hurray!", as the two start getting it on.
Jo and Jane are out bicycling and discussing their man woes. Jo says she now regrets giving Jake the impression that she was afraid he might hit her, then wryly says she gets the distinct feeling that he was looking for a way out of their relationship. [I've had that feeling ever since they first hooked up.] Jane says she's still stunned that Michael lied through his teeth during the deposition, then wonders what on earth is going to come out Kimberly's mouth tomorrow when she's scheduled to testify.
At the hospital, Michael is pressuring Kimberly to lie about their affair and says that if she's convincing enough they'll be "home free". Kimberly doesn't commit to lying and makes it clear that she's definitely not thrilled about him asking her to perjure herself.
After the interview, John Bryant compliments Billy for being so well-prepared...then says his daughter ratted him out about bringing his girlfriend along on the trip. He reminds Billy that he gave him clear instructions that he was to travel alone, then asks what gives...so Billy apologizes for the blatant sass and explains that on his meagre salary he could never afford to take the love of his life to this nice a place, and merely wanted to share the experience with her. John looks moved by the touching love story and offers him and Alison a free second night in the luxury suite.
Jake shows up at a photo shoot Jo is working to hand deliver a 35K check from the insurance company. He promises to pay her back the remaining 15K asap, but Jo urges him to keep it all and use it to invest in his new shop. Jake stonily says there's not going to be another shop, whines again about her lack of trust in him, and says he wanted her heart not her money [even though he was happy enough to take her money] - but now realizes that her heart was too beaten and broken to give to another. He sternly tells her to keep her money and not offer it to him again, then huffily walks off as Jo stares after him sadly.
Alison is gabbling at Jo about the fun mini-vacay she and Billy just went on...and eventually notices that Jo is just staring morosely into space. When she asks whassup, Jo says she blew it with Jake, who has decided to move back into his old apartment. Alison looks stunned by the news, then suggests that maybe he just needs to be alone for awhile - but Jo says it's definitely over, as evidenced by the brusque way he returned her 35K and declared that he never again wants to enter into a business partnership with her. Alison flails about for something optimistic sounding to say and points out that it takes two people to make or break a relationship - but Jo insists that she solely ruined it [which is utter nonsense, given Jake's relationship-ending anger management issues], and abruptly exits the apartment.
At the deposition, Kimberly begins her testimony by denying having an affair with Michael...but when Jane's lawyer warns her about the penalty of perjuring herself and reminds her that she herself admitted the affair to Jane during the Season 1 finale, she throws in the towel on the farce and tearfully admits that, yep, she's been sleeping with Michael and that his extramarital doinking of her continues to this day.
Later at the hospital, Michael excitedly asks Kimberly how the deposition went, and she sheepishly informs him she told the truth. Michael's all, "Fuuuuuuuuuck" and angrily punches the nearest wall and asks her how she could so stupidly screw up their future. Kimberly stares at him incredulously and reminds him of how much shit she's been willing to put up with for him, and he dismissively retorts, "We'll take this up tonight" before storming out of the room.
Jake is guzzling beer with Billy in the Melrose Place courtyard, nattering about how done he is with Jo, and railing about how women like her only trust men with lots of money. Billy's like, "Yeah whatevs, I'm going home now" ... and Jake heads over to Amanda's apartment to tell her it's finally penetrated his tiny brain that he's cash poor and has no choice but to accept her offer of being the Sage Brush Beer spokesmodel. Amanda's all, "Awesome!" and invites him inside to discuss the details - but he suggests they meet at her office tomorrow. She happily chirps, "It's a date!" ... and stares after him all smitten-like as he drunkenly staggers down the stairs.
Recap: Alison wakes up on the couch after her vodka-fuelled bender the night before. She stares at the empty bottle in mild dismay, then throws it into the garbage can and rinses out her drinking glass. After that she tiptoes over to her bedroom, quietly slips into the bed beside Billy, and pretends as though she's been sleeping there all night when Billy wakes up a few seconds later and gives her a good morning spoon-canoodle. She pulls away and says she has to get ready for her busy day ahead at D&D, and Billy says he's concerned that she's burying herself in her work instead of dealing with the trauma of Keith's stalking and self-inflicted mercy killing. She insists that she's ready to move on and snarls that she doesn't want to talk about Keith anymore - amen to that - and Billy flops onto the bed in exasperation.
Jake excitedly shows Jo a bunch of decrepit motorcycles he just bought at an auction and explains that he plans on fixing them up for resale...and Jo's all, "Wha-a-a?!" and informs him that the money he just withdrew from the business account to buy the bikes was earmarked for the quarterly taxes, for which she just mailed a check to the IRS. She orders Jake to take the bikes back, but he says that the auction house doesn't do returns...and acknowledges the stupid breakdown in communication [on both of their parts] regarding the shop's finances. He promises Jo he'll find a buyer for the bikes, and she seems satisfied enough with that and tells him she's off to a casting session at D&D.
Over at D&D, Amanda glances over the headshots of the male models auditioning for the role of Sage Brush Beer Spokesman and complains to Alison and Jo that none of these schmoes has the rugged hotness of Jake. She hands the phone to Alison and explains that she's on hold with the photo studio...and Alison takes that to mean she's supposed to book a photo session in the much-sought-after studio A with a top lighting technician. When she proudly tells Amanda about the booking, Amanda bitchily reminds her that they haven't even cast the Sage Brush Beer Spokesman yet so they'll have to cancel the booking, then snatches the phone back from Alison and says she'll handle it...the way she probably should have done instead of not clearly communicating exactly what the hell Alison was supposed to do when she handed her the damn phone.
Over dinner at Shooters, Jo is complaining to Jane about how Jake bought auction motorcycles without consulting her, and Jane's like, "Yeah whatever" and says she's soooo annoyed that Michael's life is so together while hers is such a mess. Jo urges her to enjoy a night out with a hot guy of her choosing, and Jane mulls that over and says she has a hankering for Sam Towler, aka Michael's best friend who gave her a smooch in the Irreconcilable Similarities episode. Jo nods approvingly and says that, yep, she should definitely look into tapping that.
Jane arrives at the construction site that Sam presides over and gets hooted at and cat-called by the horny construction workers as she sashays in her mini-dress over to where Sam is standing. She tells him she was just in the neighborhood and figured she'd drop by to invite him over for dinner tomorrow night...and he says he highly doubts that she was "just in the neighborhood", but is more than happy to accept her saucy invitation.
As Alison and Amanda rush to get to a client meeting, Amanda notices that Alison has the wrong client's file in her hand and irritably tells her that she should sit the meeting out. Alison whines, "Give me a channnnnnce", but Amanda points out that she can't rely on her on account of all the screwing up she's being doing recently. She says that something is clearly affecting her ability to be functional on the job, and is therefore officially cutting back on her responsibilities.
After working the phones, Jake has zero luck finding a buyer for the motorcycles and tells Jo to stop payment on the IRS check. Jo says she can't/won't do that, then laments the possibility of losing her 50K investment. Jake gets irked at that and reminds her that he never wanted her money, and she's like, "Whatever. We have a week and a half to get the money into the bank account before the check bounces."
The next morning, Alison rushes around the apartment getting ready for work and tells Billy she's determined to prove to Amanda that she's able to perform the bare basics of her duties at D&D. A few seconds later, Amanda drops by to tell Alison that she completely re-worked the figures for whatever account she was working on and hands her a floppy disk. As Alison rolls her eyes in irritation and heads out to her car, Billy chides Amanda for cracking the whip too hard - but Amanda says she's merely expecting Alison to do the job the way she was expected to do it back when she was in the position.
Jane urges Sydney to go out to a movie tonight, then hands her some cash and says it's her treat. Sydney correctly guesses that she has a date, and Jane admits she invited Sam over for dinner and doesn't want her younger sister third-wheeling it with them. Sydney gets all judgey and says it's a little soon to be dating, given that she and Michael aren't even divorced yet - but Jane brusquely says she doesn't need a second opinion on how to live her life and stalks out of the room.
At the hospital, Michael canoodles Kimberly in the hallway, and the two agree to meet up at the beach house after their shifts to get it on.
Dr. Katya Petrova drops by Matt's office to tell him she needs to find a permanent home for a patient, in order for her to avoid being shipped off to a shitty county hospital. Matt tells her he'll do his very best to find something suitable.
Billy asks Amanda to meet up with him in the park so he can give her low-down on the Keith-induced trauma that Alison has been enduring for the last three episodes. Amanda looks shocked and horrified and says she had no idea that any of this was happening - but points out that if Alison insists on coming to work every day as if nothing's wrong, she has no choice but to expect her to be at least halfway functional on the job. Billy urges her to give Alison enough time and space to recover, then makes it clear she has no idea that he's spilling the beans to her boss about her temporary mental health issues.
Jane and Sam are having a lovely dinner, and both agree that they thoroughly enjoy each other's company. He tells her he's glad they didn't spend the entire evening Michael-bashing, and she concurs and says that that'd be a colossal waste of energy. The two then raise their glasses and toast to a future of making good memories.
Amanda drops by Jake's Bikes to once again try to convince him to agree to be the Sage Brush Beer Spokesman, and explains that she prefers to cast "real people living real life". Jake makes an ew face and says it's just not him, but agrees to listen to her final sales pitch over a beer. Amanda's like, "Kewl!" and grabs her purse...and unwittingly knocks over a blow-torch in the process. Egads!
Jane and Sam are making out on the couch - but Jane pulls away and says she's not ready to jump into a new romance...and also wants to be entirely sure that she's not hooking up with him to get revenge on Michael for his philandering. Sam says he's good with that, encourages her to take however much time she needs in order to be absolutely sure that she wants to be with him, then assures her that his attraction to her has absolutely nothing to do with sticking it to Michael.
Jo arrives at Jake's Bikes and notices smoke billowing from the workroom. She runs to the back of the building...and when the door handle is too hot to turn, she stupidly throws a rock through the window part of the door, which causes the fire to gain in intensity, and screeches, "Jakkkkkke!"
As the firemen put out the fire, Jo stares at the shop in tears when Jake and Amanda return from Shooters. He cries, "What happened?" and Jo hugs him and says she thought he was inside, then collapses against him and says she nearly got killed trying to brave the flames and save him.
When Sydney finishes sleeping in, she tells Jane she sat through a boring double feature so she could have her privacy with Sam. Jane thanks her for staying away and says that the date went really well, and that Sam's an awesome listener.
Sydney makes a beeline over to Michael's beach house to blab about Jane inviting Sam over for an intimate dinner. Michael looks miffed and mutters, "Sam..?", then asks Sydney why she's telling him this. She shrugs and says she figured he'd be happy with this latest development, 'cause now Jane won't spend so much of her energy trying to make his life miserable...and I have to admit that that actually is kind of a valid observation.
At D&D, Amanda hovers over Alison as she taps away at her computer and remarks, "That's clerical work." Alison self-piteously says it's all she has left, so Amanda acknowledges that she may have been hasty in stripping her of all responsibility and tells her to go back to doing client work - in particular focusing exclusively on the Famous Family Restaurants account. Alison looks at her suspiciously and asks her if anyone put her up to this, and Amanda breezily says she's merely being fair.
Mr. Harris, Jake's insurance agent, reports that the charred bike shop is a total loss, and that he's going to need to look over the accounting books to determine the fair value of the business. After he leaves, Jake growls about what a total failure he is - but Jo points out that the fire was an accident, and that he's going to have a lot of choices about what to do with the insurance money. Jake says that his first order of business will be to pay her her 50K investment back, then says in his opinion the fire is a total disaster...and that if he ever decides to start up a new shop, he'll do it alone, aka without dragging anyone else down with him.
Michael races over to the construction site to angrily confront Sam. He demands to know how long he's been dating his wife, and Sam's all, "Wuh?" and says they just had one dinner together...before reminding him that Jane is his soon-to-be ex-wife. Michael takes a swing at him, but Sam easily blocks his fist, shoves him to the ground, and tells him to get the hell off of his construction site. Haha!
Mr. Harris tells Jake and Jo that the Fire Department has concluded that the fire is suspicious, not least 'cause of the dire financial situation the bike shop was in at the time. Jake angrily denies setting the fire, and complains that after dutifully paying his insurance premiums each month, he's unable to get help when he needs it. Mr. Harris ignores his bitching and makes it clear that the company's decision regarding a payout will be based on the results of the arson investigation.
Alison is at Shooters, guzzling martinis when Billy seats himself next to her at the bar. She tells him she knows he spoke to Amanda about Keith's self-inflicted mercy killing - despite her asking him not to tell anyone. Billy says he had no choice 'cause she's throwing her career away, not to mention endangering the wellbeing of her liver with all the binge-drinking she's been indulging in over the last several weeks. He implores her to pull herself together, fight back, and stop sabotaging herself - otherwise she's going to lose everything she loves.
Sam drops by Jane's apartment to ask her why in blazes she'd drag Michael into their budding romance...and when Jane scrunches her face confusedly, he explains that Michael confronted him at work about their date. Jane says she hasn't seen Michael in weeks - which means that someone else must have told him...and the two glance over at Sydney, who's pretending to still be asleep on the pullout couch. Jane apologizes to Sam for putting him in the middle of her pre-divorce woes and kisses him goodbye. Sydney springs out of bed and denies to Jane that she had anything to do with informing Michael about her new love life and suggests that maybe he hired someone to spy on her.
Michael is so irked at the visual of Sam and Jane getting it on that he's unable to perform in the sack with Kimberly. She coos about how totally understandable it is that he's so tense, and he retorts by bitchily complaining that she could put a little more effort into making him happy...and I genuinely have no idea what he means by that, or why a smart doctor like Kimberly continues to stick in out with this stupidly toxic relationship.
Matt tells Katya that he found a room for her patient at Glen Acres...and explains that he was able to get her to the top of the list 'cause he used to work with the director of Glen Acres. Katya squeals happily and says in return she'd love to cook him dinner tomorrow night. He's like, "Er, OK..?" so she chirps, "It's a date!" and gives him a cheek kiss...then skips down the hall, leaving Matt staring after her muttering, "A date..?"
Alison invites Billy to stroll along the beach with her so she can tell him how much she appreciates his tough love and lament about how much Keith made her doubt her judgement. She acknowledges that she has to make changes in her life, starting with an immediate ban on over-boozing...and Billy's all, "Hurray!" and promises to support her through her desperately needed mental rehabilitation.
Jake returns home and tells Jo that the charred remains of his shop have been demolished, and that it all fit into one dump truck. Jo says she's confused by the Fire Department's suspicion that the fire was deliberately set, which prompts Jake to stare at her incredulously and ask if she truly thinks he'd really torch his own shop. She declines to answer and says she's off to bed...leaving Jake staring despondently into space.
Recap: Alison is having a black and white nightmare about being attacked by Keith during the previous episode - just before she's startled awake by the ringing phone. It's Billy, fibbing about having to go out of town for a work assignment. She tells him about her Keith nightmare, and he assures her that Keith is in Seattle and won't be bothering her anymore. After the call, Billy glances at the return address written on one of Keith's pleeeeeease take me back letters to Alison, then climbs into his rental car and drives over to Keith's place. When he finds Keith's house empty, he walks to the back of the house and forces his way in through the back door. The kitchen is a disgusting mess of dirty dishes and takeout boxes, prompting Billy to mutter, "What a pig." He then wanders into the living room, where Keith has a makeshift office set up with papers scattered about...as well as a creepy assortment of framed close-ups of Alison. Billy stares at it for several seconds before muttering, "Oh my God.."
Sydney gabbles at Jane about how she should give Michael a second chance, then chides her for the unrealistic standards she's always holding people to. When she points out that Michael is probably as good a husband as she'll ever be able to snag, an irked Jane tells her to shut it before rushing off to work.
Over at the hospital, Michael tells Kimberly he really doesn't mind the divorce process being dragged out 'cause of how much it's probably torturing Jane. As the two smooch, Matt appears in the hall and awkwardly says hello, then thanks Michael for helping him land his new social services job. He tells Michael he has no reason to feel awkward with him given The Jane Situation - but Michael just shrugs unconcernedly and is like, "Well duh."
One of the D&D bigwigs, Doug Vincent, drops by Amanda's office to request a copy of the proposal that she and her team have been working on, and she remarks that her subordinate was due to hand it in today and offers to bring it by later. When Doug says he needs to see it now, Amanda calls Alison, who's predictably spaced out at her desk, to ask whassup with the proposal she was supposed to have submitted this morning. Alison's all, "Oops, I spaced on that" and says she's going to need until the end of the day to finish it, so Amanda fibs to Doug by telling him that her subordinate is having problems extracting the completed proposal from the computer...and once he's out of earshot, she bitchily summons Alison to her office. She rails about how Doug Vincent is breathing down her neck about the proposal, that she couldn't give a rat's ass about Alison's "traumatic weekend", and snappishly advises her to not make it a habit of repeatedly fucking up at work...even though it's pretty much the way Alison's been functioning at D&D as far back as when she was under Lucy's tutelage.
Keith is giving a small group of people a tour of a construction site when Billy shows up and threatens to kill him if he ever contacts Alison again. Keith disdainfully tells him to get a life, to which Billy responds by grabbing and repeatedly punching him in the face. When one of the women in the tour group cries, "Call the police!", a bloodied Keith says that that won't be necessary, then glares menacingly over at Billy and growls, "I'll be seeing you soon" before continuing on with his tour...despite the distraction of nostril blood smeared across the lower half of his face.
At the beach house, Michael complains to Kimberly that he can't find any clean clothes, then wonders aloud why she hasn't taken it upon herself to launder his clothes. Kimberly replies, "Uh, 'cause I'm a doctor not a maid" and snarks at him to take care of his own damn laundry.
Keith calls Alison to complain that Billy showed up in Seattle to physically assault him and is twisting everything around, making her hate him, and Alison snaps, "I do hate you, Keith. In fact, I wish you were dead" before slamming the phone down. Keith, meanwhile, picks up one of his framed photos of Alison, glares at it hatefully, and throws it against the wall. A few seconds later, Amanda stops by Alison's apartment to see if she can get a ride to work 'cause her Porsche is on the fritz - just as Billy returns home and gets an earful from Alison for sneakily flying to Seattle to pummel Keith. She snarls, "I need support, not lies" before heading off to work.
Jo arrives at D&D to show Amanda the photos of Jake at the motorcycling event. An impressed Amanda says she definitely wants to hire her to shoot the upcoming campaign, then says she's going to need her to return to the track this evening to get some night shots. Jo's like, "Kewl!" and scampers off while Amanda picks up the phone and places a call to Jake.
Sydney drops by the beach house to bring Michael some of her homemade lasagne and check out his new digs. When she sees his laundry piled in the middle of the bedroom floor, she says she'd be more than happy to wash it for him. He half-heartedly protests and points out that Jane probably wouldn't like that, but she tells him she really doesn't give a shit what her sister thinks and rushes out of the beach house clutching his dirty clothes.
Amanda invites Jake out to dinner to inform him that she hired Jo to shoot the Sage Brush Beer campaign...and that because he's so sexy and photogenic, she's tapping him (heh) to be the Sage Brush Beer man. Jake blushingly says that being a male model isn't really his thing, but agrees to mull it over.
Billy explains to Alison that he felt compelled to go to Seattle to give Keith the what for in the interest of seeking justice, and Alison pours herself a glass of hard liquor and laments the bitchy way she antagonized Keith during their phone call. She says she's having problems concentrating at work, has zero desire to confide any of this in Amanda, then snappishly says she's going to have to spend the evening finishing the D&D proposal she was supposed to have finished days ago.
Jane asks Sydney to straighten up the apartment while she's at work, then suggests they hit the town that evening. After she exits the apartment, Sydney pulls out Michael's dirty laundry from under the bed and takes a long whiff of it, which...gross.
When Jake tells Jo that Amanda asked him out to dinner to discuss becoming the Sage Brush Beer man, Jo shakes her head in dismay and calls Amanda manipulative. Jake assures her that the dinner was all business, and that he has no desire to be the Sage Brush Beer guy or to canoodle with another woman.
Sydney is in the laundry room, putting Michael's clothes in the washing machine when Jane pops in to ask Sydney if she wouldn't mind also throwing her laundry into the machine.
Billy enters the kitchen and sees that Alison has been up all night working. Alison checks her watch and is all, "Ack! I have to shower and get to work!" as Billy apologizes for confronting Keith without her knowledge or permission. Alison accepts his apology and instructs him to never speak of Keith again...and the two jump into the shower and enjoy a wet smoochfest.
Sydney returns to the beach house to drop off Michael's freshly laundered clothes and is startled to find Kimberly sunning herself on the deck. Sydney introduces herself as Michael's soon-to-be ex-sister-in-law and fibs that Michael left these newly laundered clothes at Jane's apartment, and Kimberly calls herself Michael's friend and is all, "OK then, off you go now."
Jo runs into Alison at D&D, tells her she's been hired to shoot the new beer campaign, then grumbles about Amanda's private dinner with Jake. Alison urges her to take the job, but warns her to not turn her back on Amanda.
Kimberly stops by the hospital to report to Michael that Sydney came by the beach house with his laundry, and he chuckles and explains that Sydney was only too eager to perform the duties that his female live-in is supposed to be performing. He then chastises Kimberly for tipping Sydney off about the fact that they're shacking up together, and Kimberly complains that she hates sneaking around and can't wait until they don't have to be so secretive about their love or living situation. Michael responds by giving her a big smooch and urging her to chillax.
Amanda is presiding over a D&D campaign meeting when a low level flunky interrupts to tell Alison she has an urgent phone call from Billy. Alison sheepishly rushes out to take the call at her desk...and when she learns it's Keith - and not Billy - on the phone, she threatens to call the police. He mumbles, "Don't bother. I'll be dead" and moans about how wrecked he is by what he's done to her life...and to traumatize her even further, he tells her he's holding a loaded gun and called to say goodbye. Alison urges him to put the gun down and implores him to get help for his various mental health issues - but Keith ignores her pleas, says, "I'll always love you. Forgive me", and proceeds to blow his head off. Alison cries, "Nooooo!!" and drops the phone as the camera shifts into dramatic slo-mo mode.
That evening, Billy tells Alison that the Seattle PD confirmed that Keith did, in fact, kill himself. Alison, who's guzzling vodka, tearfully wails that she should have done more (er, anything) to help him. She recalls snarling at him over the phone about how much she hated him and wished he were dead, then says that nothing is going to change the fact that her psycho ex-boyfriend killed himself because of her.
Michael drops by Melrose Place to ask Sydney to please not say anything to Jane about seeing his "friend" Kimberly at his beach house. Sydney says she'd be more than happy to keep his secret, giddily says she really enjoys doing things for him, and hopes that he liked her homemade lasagne. Michael thanks her for keeping his living situation under wraps and heads to the hospital...and Sydney gazes out the window, grinning stupidly after him.
Amanda and Alison are hosting a business lunch with prospective clients - but Alison is too distracted by Keith's suicide to contribute anything useful and spends the better part of the meeting mutely throwing back cocktails. When the meeting ends and the clients excuse themselves, Amanda shoots Alison an incredulous stare and asks her whaddup with her uselessness and binge-drinking. Alison says she's going through yet another crisis, and a fed up Amanda points out that she's not the only person in the world with a personal life...and that since her problems are preventing her from functioning at even the most basic level, she needs to go home - by cab 'cause she's way too drunk to be behind the wheel.
Alison is at Jo's apartment, guzzling yet more booze as she unburdens her feelings of guilt about Keith's self-inflicted mercy killing. Jo reminds her that her mother killed herself when she was ten, and that it took her a looooong time to get over the feeling that it happened 'cause she was a bad daughter. She urges Alison to stop numbing her feelings with all the boozing she's been doing of late and to just endure the pain, then reminds her that she has a nice [albeit dimwitted] fella waiting at home for her who is more than happy to help her work through this emotional trauma.
Alison returns to her apartment and tells Billy she loves him and vows to not let anything Keith-related to get in the way of their relationship.
Later that night, a restless Alison gets out of bed, tiptoes to the kitchen, and pours herself a glass of vodka. She then settles onto the couch, where she boozes it up while staring mournfully into space.
Recap: Billy and Alison wake up in bed together and enjoy some contented canoodling. Billy admits that he's been jealous of all the time she's been spending with Keith lately, then says he's A-OK with it now and that he loves her 'cause she makes him sooooo happy. She retorts, "Vice versa" - ouch - and Billy says, happy as he is about their budding romance, he can't help but be annoyed at her for agreeing to have a goodbye dinner with Keith 'cause he still believes that Keith is the stalker. Alison points out that the phone call she got from the [pretend] stalker at the end of the previous episode proves that Keith is innocent, but Billy just snorts derisively and says that Keith clearly set that up. Alison doesn't buy that theory, tells Billy to give Keith a break, then climbs out of bed to take a shower.
Jane piles anything that's Michael-related in the middle of her living room floor and mutters, "That's it, the whole marriage...a pile of useless crap." A few minutes later, Michael drops by to pick up his pile of useless crap, and Jane tells him she wants it out of her apartment asap 'cause she needs the extra room for Sydney, who's returning to Melrose Place to give the show a much needed jolt of sexy drama. Jane then offers Michael half the wedding china, and he responds by urging her to call off her killer attorney and stop acting like a child...to which she responds by throwing his half of the wedding china at him while screeching, "I hate you!" and ordering him to get the hell out. LOL.
Jane heads over to LAX to pick up Sydney, who babbles about how shocked she is that Jane is filing for divorce. She begs Jane to spill all the juicy details, but Jane says she has zero desire to dredge it all up for her amusement.
Amanda encounters Matt moping around the courtyard, mumbling about how much he misses baring his soul to Rhonda. Amanda invites him to bare his soul to her, so he's like 'sure, why the hell not?' and explains that he's so depressed 'cause he just got laid off by the defunded halfway house. Amanda clucks sympathetically and says that surely he'll find a new job in no time, then asks if he has enough cash in his savings to cover the rent. LOL. Matt glares back at her and snaps, "Don't worry, you'll get your rent. Thanks!" and storms off. Amanda, meanwhile, runs into Jo and Jake and is so intrigued by Jake's plan to enter the upcoming Superbike Competition that she invites herself to tag along with the two of them.
Billy tells Alison he's been researching crazy stalkers and is staggered by all the similarities between them and the nutty way Keith's been behaving. Alison insists that Keith has only ever been nice to her, accuses Billy of being obsessed, then says she's off to meet up with Keith for his goodbye dinner. Billy scrunches his face concernedly, then grabs his jacket and decides to sneakily follow her.
After dinner, Keith and Alison amble around the boardwalk, then stroll along the beach. Keith tears up and tells Alison that all is not as well as he's been pretending: he's on probation at work 'cause of how dysfunctional he became after she dumped him. Alison's like, "Sorry about that" and gives him a hug...and as Keith holds her he gets a demonic look on his face. Billy, who's lurking nearby, gets so alarmed by the look on Keith's face that he yells, "Hey!" and rushes over. Alison's all, "The fuck?" and admonishes him for following her, and Keith glares at him and says he'll take Alison home now, and snarls that she doesn't need protecting from him.
The next morning, Billy apologizes to Alison for following her last night, and she tells him she's not angry and that after she takes Keith to the airport, all of the tension related to this dull love triangle will finally be over. It remains unclear why Alison doesn't just tell Keith to book a damn airport shuttle to get his keister to LAX.
Amanda and Jo are among the spectators of the Superbike Competition, and Jo shoots a series of photos as Jake roars past them on his motorcycle. Amanda tells her she may be interested in some of those photos for an ad campaign, and Jo tells her she'll bring them by D&D once they've been developed.
At the hospital, Michael runs into Matt, who just dropped off his resume for a Social Services job that just opened up. Michael says he's sorry to hear about his layoff at the halfway house and offers to put in a good word with whoever runs Social Services...then whines again about losing all of his Melrose Place friends. Matt says that whatever happened between him and Jane is nobody's business, and that from now on he's going to be neutral about it 'cause of how grateful he'll be to Michael if he helps him land this new job.
Jane takes a leisurely walk along the beach with Sydney, reminiscing about how her wedding day was the most perfect day ever, and how hopeful she was that it would work out and one day be blessed with children. She whimpers, "Why didn't he want me?" and Sydney shrugs helplessly and gives her a comforting hug.
At the hospital, Kimberly pulls Michael into a private room to tell him she got subpoenaed by Jane's lawyer in front of a bunch of other doctors. She calls the whole thing "ugly and out of hand", tells him that the subpoena names her the other woman, and that she doesn't know if she can take it anymore. Michael asks if by it she means their relationship, and she's like, "Uh, kinda" and says she hates having to sneak around and asks him if he doesn't also hate it. Michael shrugs and is all, "Nah, I'm good", but offers to move out of the beach house if it'll make her feel better.
Billy assures Alison that he's not going to trail after her while she takes Keith to the airport, but urges her to make certain that the psycho boards the Seattle bound plane.
Jake, Jo, and Amanda return to Melrose Place after the Superbike Competition. Amanda suggests they celebrate Jake's win with some yummy takeout, but Jo declines and says she needs to get to work developing the photos. Amanda asks Jake if he's interested in takeout, and Jo quickly says that Jake can't go either 'cause she needs his help developing the photos...even though she's never needed his help with that up until now. Amanda heads up to her place...and once she's safely out of earshot, Jo forbids Jake to ever step foot inside Amanda's apartment unchaperoned.
Alison arrives at Keith's hotel and is dismayed to see that his bags aren't packed and that he's arranged a romantic, candle-lit dinner for the two of them. She irritably says she'll come back later when he's ready to leave for the airport - but Keith suddenly gets angry and grabs her, then growls menacingly about how much he loves her and that he knows she loves him too. Alison's all, "Ack!" and reminds him that she's with Billy now, but would be happy to remain lifelong platonic friends with him. He snaps, "Don't patronize me, bitch!" and blocks the door, then gets all in her face and snarls, "I'm in control now, you got it?!" and declares that they're going to make love now. A freaked out Alison's all, "Uh, noooo" - but he ignores her protests and throws her atop the bed, then gets all sweaty and crazed looking as he looms over her and demands to know if she loves him. She nods unconvincingly, then a few seconds later kicks him in the groin while he's unbuckling his belt. As he clutches his gonads in pain, Alison makes a break for the door and races into an elevator, where she sinks to the floor and cries, "Ooooh God.."
A traumatized Alison returns to her apartment, pours herself a stiff drink, and tells Billy she wants to be alone. He ignores that request and follows her to her room and asks her why she's back from her airport run so early...so she tells him he was right about Keith, and that he just attacked her in his hotel room. She chides herself for trusting him, yells, "I want to kill him!", then collapses into Billy's arms and sobs.
Michael packs up whatever stuff he brought to the beach house, and Kimberly tells him he's being ridiculous and tries to get him to put his stuff down. When he reminds her about their argument at the hospital, she's like, "So what?" and leans in for a smooch. Michael apologizes for the messy divorce situation, agrees to continue living at the beach house, and leans in for some amorous smooching.
Billy brings Alison to the police station to report Keith's attack - but Detective Altman looks unimpressed when Alison admits that Keith didn't have a weapon, didn't hit her, and that she once dated him. Billy haughtily informs the detective that Keith has been terrorizing Alison for weeks, then admonishes her for not seeming as if she's taking the complaint seriously enough.
Michael and Kimberly are canoodling in bed, post coitus, as he natters about his divorce and Jane's dickish determination to go after his future earnings. He then looks as though he just stumbled onto a brilliant idea and points out to Kimberly that there's no actual evidence they're having an affair...and that if they manage to keep their stories straight, Jane's lawyer won't have a case against him for inflicting mental cruelty on his wife. Kimberly's like 'sure, why the hell not?', and the two start going at it again.
Keith is checking in for his flight to Seattle when he's detained by police, handcuffed, and told he's under arrest for attacking Alison.
Under questioning, Keith tells Detective Altman that he was planning to break things off with Alison 'cause she was getting too possessive...and that he organized a candle-lit dinner for the two of them purely to let her down easy. Detective Altman looks suitably skeptical about that last thing and remarks on how jovial he seems for someone who's being accused of attempted rape. When she advises Keith to get himself a lawyer, he smugly says he did nothing wrong and therefore has no need for a lawyer.
Billy tells Alison she did a good thing coming forward to report the attack...and she sheepishly laments not taking heed of his multiple warnings. Detective Altman returns and tells Alison that the DA's office doesn't think there's enough of a case to proceed, which means that she has no choice but to release Keith. She points out that he's flying back to Seattle tonight, and that she should get back in touch if he causes her any further problems. As Alison and Billy head out, they encounter Keith, who smirkingly tells Alison he's sorry she felt the need to go through with "this charade", but that there's no hard feelings. He then directs his attention to Billy and says, "See ya, sport" before sauntering off.
Sydney calls Michael to ask him if there's anything she can do to help him during his divorce messiness, and he responds by inviting her to lunch.
Back at Melrose Place, Alison pours herself another stiff drink, while Billy paces the living room and debates whether or not he should alert the Seattle police about Keith's imminent arrival. Alison says she's too tired to think about it anymore and announces that she's going to bed alone.
The next morning, Matt runs into Amanda on his way to the social services job interview. She apologizes for her insensitivity the other day and offers to give him some grace time to pay the rent...and he thanks her, but says he probably won't need it 'cause he expects to be employed very soon. After he heads off, Jake compliments Amanda for her kindness to Matt just now, then admires her fancy red sports car and asks how "it handles". She flirtily suggests he find out for himself by driving her to work so that he can enjoy the car all day, then pick her up at quitting time. Jake says he definitely likes the sound of that idea.
Over lunch, Sydney tells Michael she misses him, and he asks her if she could please do him a favor and get Jane to "lower the stakes" of their divorce and not go after his future earnings. Sydney says she'll somehow find a way to bring that up in conversation and subtly urge Jane to get her lawyer to back off. Michael self-piteously says he never meant to cause anyone pain, and Sydney coos, "I know" and clutches his hand while gazing at him lovingly. Ew.
Billy arrives at LAX, buys a round trip ticket to Seattle, then stares into space with a troubled look on his dumb face.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Season 2 kicks off with Amanda throwing a big pool/housewarming party for herself. All of the complex's residents are in attendance...except for Alison, who's burning the midnight oil at D&D after Amanda assigned her a big report that's due first thing in the morning. Billy calls Alison to beg her to wrap it up so she doesn't miss the entire party - just as Amanda flounces over and reminds Billy that he promised to dance with her. Alison urges him to go have fun and says she'll be there asap...and a few seconds after she hangs up, she gets a call from her stalker who snarls, "Bitch, I know where you are." She's all, "Ack!" and quickly hangs up, grabs her purse, and rushes into the hall. As she waits for the elevator, she gets freaked out by the sight of a human shadow and flees to the stairwell - just as Keith suddenly appears from out of nowhere and asks her what's wrong. She tells him she just got another threatening call from her stalker, and Keith's like, "Oh, bummer" and explains that he got worried when she didn't show up at Amanda's housewarming party and thought he'd better check up on her.
Billy expresses his worry to Amanda that the partygoers are going to trash the place, but she shrugs unconcernedly and reminds him that she owns the complex and frankly couldn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses if someone burned the entire dump to the ground.
Jake is canoodling with a blonde bimbo while Jo and Jane stare over at him disapprovingly. Jo tells Jane she can't help but feel deeply insulted that Jake dumped her so soon after she refused to move in with him, and Jane breezily tells her to celebrate the fact that she's a free woman again.
Alison and Keith arrive at the housewarming party together and run into Matt, who says hey and directs them to where the food and drinks are located. Amanda takes a break from dancing with Billy to flounce over to Alison and tell her she's starting to feel like one of the gang, then faux apologizes for giving her so much work to do on party night. Billy pulls Alison aside to ask whaddup with Keith being here, so she explains that he magically appeared at D&D moments after her stalker called [and is choosing to consider that a pure coincidence]. Billy says he wants her to make it clear to Keith that they're now a couple, and Alison assures him she's in the process of working up the nerve the break the news to him. She points out that it doesn't look as though Amanda has gotten the message that he (Billy) is off the market, so Billy proposes that they both set the record straight for Keith and Amanda right after the party.
Jo bitchily asks Jake if they're just going to ignore each other from now on, and he just shrugs and says he's merely enjoying Amanda's housewarming party.
Amanda asks Billy to hang around after the party ends so he can help her clean up...and by help her clean up, she means hang out in her apartment. He stares back at her with his usual wooden expression and mumbles, "Sure."
Jo and Jake take a stroll down Melrose Avenue to discuss their breakup. He tells her he's looking for a commitment and won't continue their relationship if she refuses to move in with him, and she explains that she's been afraid to take that step 'cause of the shitty experience she had being married...but then throws all caution and good sense to the wind and decides 'ah, what the hell?' Jake's all, "Hurray!" and gives her a big smooch.
Alison is sacked out on the couch after being slipped strong drinks from Keith all evening. She natters about how much she haaaaaates having to see so much of Amanda at both work and home...and Keith's just like, "Uh huh" and stares at her creepily as she closes her eyes and passes out.
When Amanda asks Billy whassup with his lack of interest in helping her straighten up her apartment, Billy's like, "We need to talk" ... and by talk, he wants to make it clear that he and Alison are a couple in the exclusive, romantic sense. Amanda says that that's not exactly a huge revelation, then assures him she gets the message despite not liking the idea of being just platonic friends with him. She coos, "What's a girl to do?" as she fondles his hair and says that, irrelevant as her approval may be, he and Alison have her blessing.
Keith carries Alison to her room, deposits her atop her bed, then locks the door so he can unzip her dress and stare creepily at her bare back. When he hears Billy arrive home and call out to Alison, he quickly zips her dress back up and unlocks the door. Billy enters the room and glares suspiciously at Keith, who says he was just tucking Alison in for the night.
The next morning, Jane is about to leave for work when Michael storms over to rail about being served with divorce papers. She tells him she had warned him she was filing, then reminds him that the reason they're getting divorced is 'cause of the mental cruelty he inflicted on her when he began hitting the sheets with Kimberly. She says that all she wants is to split everything 50/50 and be done with him - but Michael tells her he won't cop to mental cruelty and is refusing to sign the papers. Jane rolls her eyes and is all, "Whatever" and gets into her car...leaving Michael to rail at Matt, who has the misfortune of standing nearby. He self piteously complains that ever since the Season 1 finale, he's lost his apartment and all his friends 'cause everyone's taking Jane's side. When Matt points out that he's the cheating man-whore in this scenario, Michael tells him where he can shove his sanctimonious lecturing...and a weary Matt's like, "Go fuck yourself, Michael" and climbs into his car and drives off.
Jake tells Jo he assumed she'd be moving into his apartment, and Jo says she assumed he'd be moving into her apartment. She points out that her place is bigger, cleaner, and has an extra bedroom...and Jake hems and haws for a few seconds, but decides he's willing to capitulate and be on the losing side of that boring argument.
Michael meets up with Kimberly at a gorgeous beach house she wants to rent so that they can officially shack up together. She tells him she's always dreamed of living in a place like this...and when he grumbles about Jane serving him with divorce papers, she tells him to think of it as the end to something that wasn't working. Michael mulls that over, decides he likes that perspective, and agrees to move in.
During dinner out, Keith tells Alison he's going to look into who might be stalking her, and she's like, "Uh OK, but we need to talk" and firmly tells him that she and Billy are together in the budding romance sense and that him (Keith) being around is making things really awkward. She says that from now on they can only be friends, and he stonily retorts, "Don't worry about it" and says he figured it was just a matter of time before she and Billy hooked up. He adds that he can't help being disappointed 'cause he'd do absolutely anything for her and says this while staring at her with his usual creepish intensity.
Jane is taking a leisurely dip in the Melrose Place pool while Jo and Amanda dip their feet and trash-talk Michael. Jo reminds Jane that she supported Michael through med school and urges her to sue him for future earnings, but Jane says she doesn't want her divorce to be about the money and just wants the chance to start over. Amanda argues that it'd be a whole lot more satisfying to make Michael hurt, then offers to recommend a ruthless lawyer - but Jane's like, "Nope, it's not me." When Alison enters the courtyard after a long day at D&D, the gals invite her to join their trash-talk-fest, but she grimly says, "Too much work", shoots Amanda an accusatory stink-eye, and lumbers in the direction of her apartment.
Billy kisses Alison hello and perks up when she tells him she finally broke the news to Keith about their relationship. They get into some amorous smooching action before heading over to her bedroom to strip each other's clothes off...and while that's going on, Keith is in his hotel room, clutching the phone receiver with a cloth over the mouthpiece. When Alison and Billy ignore the ringing phone 'cause they're too busy getting it on, Keith hangs up the phone, glares at himself in the mirror, then bangs his head on the corner of the TV stand. Ouch. A few seconds later, he stares at himself in the mirror again and grins maniacally at the blood trickling down his forehead.
The next morning, Keith is parked across the street from Melrose Place, waiting for Billy to leave for work. He then heads over to Alison's apartment to show off his forehead wound and lie about how he was attacked by probably the same tire iron wielding madman who attacked Billy last season. Alison gasps in horror at the latest thing her deranged "stalker" has done, and agrees to head over to the police station to file an official complaint.
Jo is visibly dismayed by the many boxes of stuff Jake is hauling into her apartment, so he promises to go through all of it and throw the bulk of it out. She breathes a sigh of relief, then tells him he's on his own tonight 'cause she has plans to go to dinner with the other Melrose Place gals.
Alison returns home and tells Billy that Keith was attacked with a tire iron, and that it was probably the same man who attacked him last season. She then locks all the windows and says she's totally freaked out by the idea of a stalker phoning her and hurting her men friends. Billy scrunches his face in puzzlement and says the police never established that he was beaten with a tire iron - just as Jo and Jane drop by to collect Alison for their girls' night out.
At the restaurant, Jane gabbles about how she's never lived alone before so abruptly dumping Michael, and Jo insists that it'll be a great experience for her. A few seconds later, Michael and Kimberly enter the restaurant...and when Jo and Alison say they're totes fine with going somewhere else to eat, Jane assures them she's fine dining in the same place as her soon-to-be ex and his home-wrecking girlfriend. She then rushes over to the ladies room to vomit her rage.
Billy drops by Keith's hotel room to ask him details about his "attack" and point out that the police never determined exactly what type of blunt instrument he was attacked with. Keith irritably says he just assumed it was a tire iron, and Billy's like, "Whatever dude" and wishes him a safe and speedy return to Seattle as soon as humanly possible. LOL.
Michael is holding court with his doctor colleagues in the hospital lounge when Jane drops by to serve him with a set of new and improved divorce papers. She says that since he rejected her request for a simple divorce and had the nerve to eat out in public with Kimberly last night, she's getting "down and dirty" by going after his future earnings. Michael's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" then cries, "You can't dooooo that!" and Jane's like, "I can and I will" and gleefully informs him that her ruthless shark of a lawyer plans to make Kimberly his star witness in court.
Keith meets up with a shady guy who's clearly up to no good, hands him a wad of cash, and says, "Eight o'clock exactly. You know what to do."
Michael arrives at the beach house and tells Kimberly that no one can know they're shacking up together, then explains that Jane is going after his future earnings and that the impending divorce battle is going to eat up whatever meagre savings he's managed to put away. Kimberly says she has no problem paying the rent and laying low 'cause of how much she looooooves him, and the two head onto the deck and start bumping uglies atop a lounger.
As Jake quietly eats dinner, Jo glares at him and says that this is her greatest fear: they'll have nothing to say to each other during dinnertime. Jake points out that he's not generally chatty when his mouth is full...then is forced to put in a pin in the pointless conversation when he's summoned up to Amanda's apartment to deal with a faux emergency.
Jake (accompanied by a suspicious Jo) rushes up to Amanda's place and learns that her "emergency" is needing a big strong man to lift her heavy television set onto the TV stand. LOL. Amanda remarks to Jo that Jake's a handy guy to have around...and Jo nods her agreement as the two openly ogle his buff bod.
Billy tells Alison he's been researching stalking cases and learned that they all seem to have one thing in common: a desire for revenge after being rejected. He says that this fits Keith's pattern of wanting her (aka his victim) to be fearful and helpless, then comes right out and says he's pretty sure that Keith is the person responsible for the threatening bitch phone calls and tire iron attacks. When Keith drops by a few seconds later, an irked Alison tells him it's not a good time...and Billy outright accuses him of being the stalker. Keith gets angry and shoves him in response, and an exasperated Alison orders them to break it up.
When the phone rings at precisely 8pm, Alison answers it and drops the receiver when she realizes that it's yet another threatening phone call. An incredulous Billy grabs the receiver and listens to Keith's substitute stalker make nonsensical threats while a freaked out Alison collapses against Keith for comfort. Billy continues to scrunch his face in puzzlement as Alison quietly escorts a smug looking Keith out of the apartment and across the courtyard.
Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!
Recap: Billy comes into Alison's room at 7am to natter about the monkey wrench in their lives that is Amanda's pregnancy and how it's pulling them apart. Alison scrunches her face miserably and wails, "What do you want from meeeee?!" and says she's miffed by the way he jumped back into Amanda's life so quickly. He reminds her that the woman is carrying his spawn, something he considers a UGE deal...then insists, despite his confusion, that he still cares about her. Alison picks up a stack of letters that Keith has written to her ever since she fled Seattle, and bitchily says that Keith never got confused about anything and was always clear about how much he wanted her. Billy shrugs helplessly at the unfavorable comparison and says he's doing his best.
Michael is on the phone with the Melrose Place landlord, who announces that he's selling the apartment complex. Michael passes along this info to Jane and says it might be good for them to start over somewhere new - but Jane points out that the location of their apartment has nothing to do with the steaming turdpile of a mess he's made of their marriage...but then backpedals as she wistfully says, "Too bad. It was great here for awhile."
Amanda tells Alison she could really use a friend while enduring her unplanned pregnancy, and Alison half-heartedly says she'll do her best to fulfill that role. A few seconds later, Lucy summons them to her office to excitedly announce that she's leaving D&D to take a job at her rich new husband's company in Hawaii. As Amanda and Alison gushingly congratulate her, Lucy informs them that management is in the process of deciding who they're going to promote to replace her, and that it's a two-way race between Amanda and some kiss-ass named Brett Nelson. Amanda makes a blech face and says that Brett doesn't have a creative mind and tends to steal accounts from other agencies...and Lucy says she agrees, but points out that Brett brings in a lot of money. She tells Alison that if Amanda is promoted, she'll likely be promoted to Amanda's current position, and emphasizes the importance of demonstrating teamwork.
As Michael and Kimberly arrive at the hospital together, he admits that he really misses her, but can't do much about it. Kimberly says she gets that it's complicated, but still hates the thought of losing her best friend.
Jane tells Jo that Michael bailed on tonight's marriage counseling session, and that she's still so angry at him for cheating on her that she finds herself fantasizing about beating the crap out of him. As the two chuckle over Michael's fictional ass-kicking, Jane laments how horribly messed up things are and isn't sure her shitty marriage is going to survive. She tears up and says she feels ashamed of her failure, and Jo points out that Michael is the one who failed...then invites Jane to go get a bite to eat with her.
At D&D, Amanda is on the phone making dinner plans with Billy...and we know this 'cause she's loudly saying, "Sure, Billy. Dinner with you tonight sounds great!" so that Alison can't not overhear. After that, Alison runs into Brett Nelson, who smarmily gushes about how great her report writing is, as is her reputation at D&D. He says he'd like to get to know her better and invites her out for a drink after work, and she's like 'sure, why the hell not?'
Keith Gray arrives in Los Angeles and checks into the Bel Age Hotel. He needlessly tells the front desk clerk that he's in town to propose to his girlfriend, and the clerk perks up at that and tells him that the honeymoon suite is available. Keith gets a strange, faraway look in his eyes and says that that sounds perfect.
At Shooters, Brett is plying Alison with drinks and egging her on to talk shit about Amanda. She drunkenly obliges and tells him all about The Billy Situation, and the way it's led to conflicts between her and Amanda...up to and including an unplanned pregnancy. She's all, "Oops!" and swears Brett to secrecy about the bun in Amanda's oven, and he manages to keep a straight face while promising to keep that delicious nugget under wraps.
Brett walks Alison to her front door and flirtily cackles about what a great team they could make at D&D. He kisses her cheek before heading off - just as Billy appears and asks Alison whassup with her getting drunk and letting another guy kiss her. She just rolls her eyes and says she's going to bed now.
Keith is sitting alone in his hotel room, staring manically at framed photos of himself and Alison. After several seconds, he lifts one of the photographs to his lips and kisses it.
As Rhonda and Matt power walk around the neighborhood, she tells him she's ready to wrap up the boredom of her lingering subplot and marry Terrence...and can only hope he hasn't changed his mind about wanting to marry her. When the two return to Melrose Place, they're shocked to see an agent putting up a for sale sign in front of the apartment complex. The agent explains that the property just went into foreclosure and that she got the listing yesterday.
A hungover Alison apologizes to Billy about last night...and when Billy says he was jealous when he saw another guy kiss her, she sheepishly admits that that was her intention. Rhonda and Matt drop by to report that Melrose Place is on the market, and Alison sighs in dismay and says she can't even begin to process that right now 'cause she's late for work. Billy races after and gives her a goodbye hug - while Keith creepily spies on them from across the street inside his parked car.
Lucy is presiding over a D&D meeting at which Amanda, Alison, and Brett Nelson are in attendance. Lucy tells everyone that with all the company's imminent staffing changes they should probably hold off on booking vacation time...and Brett goes, "What about Amanda's maternity leave?" Amanda registers faux surprise, says, "Excuse me?", and tells him she has no earthly idea where he could possibly have heard that unsubstantiated gossip. Lucy stares at Amanda in alarm before deciding she buys the denial, and proceeds with the meeting. Afterwards, Amanda pulls Alison aside and asks what the fuckety fuck with her spilling the beans about her spawn to Brett Nelson of all people. Alison sheepishly apologizes and explains that it accidentally slipped out after a few drinks at Shooters. Amanda warns her that this is precisely the kind of stupidity that's going to sabotage both of them, 'cause it's unlikely that the D&D brass would ever promote a woman who's an expectant mother.
Alison makes a beeline over to Brett's office to admonish him for blurting out Amanda's pregnant status in front of Lucy, but he just smirks and says he figured she'd enjoy watching Amanda be humiliated in front of a group of people. He then gets all grab handsy and leans in to kiss her, but she shoves him away and yells, "Stay away from me!" ... and somehow refrains from heading straight to D&D's HR department to report the brazen sexual harassment.
Amanda tattles to Billy about Alison drunkenly gossiping about her delicate condition to their D&D colleagues, and says she's dismayed that the nitwit isn't being more respectful of her privacy. Billy comes right out and asks her why she wants a baby, and she says that being such an ambitious person makes her worry about possibly missing out on things like motherhood. But that said, she also has no intention of getting passed over for a well deserved promotion.
When Amanda returns to the office, Alison pulls her aside to sheepishly apologize for confiding in Brett, and concedes that she made a giant mistake trusting the jerk. She assures Amanda that she's totes behind her, and Amanda nods approvingly and says they're going to need to impress the higher ups by demonstrating some teamwork - starting with staying late at the office tonight and burning the midnight oil.
Jake and Jo return home from the grocery store and discuss Melrose Place being put up for sale. Jake proposes they share expenses by moving in together, and Jo says that while she still has a fear of intimacy, she'll take it under consideration.
Alison and Amanda are working late at D&D when Amanda suddenly gets a searing pain in her abdomen. As she doubles over in pain, Alison quickly calls for an ambulance.
Billy rushes to the hospital and finds Alison sitting in the waiting room. She tells him that Amanda is OK, but that her pregnancy was of the tubal variety and was therefore never going to result in a baby. Billy rushes over to Amanda's room to personally check on her, and she she tells him how helpful Alison was in getting her to the hospital so quickly...and that the pregnancy being a no-go is probably best in the long run, considering how inept they'd be at co-parenting a child when they couldn't even manage something as basic as practicing effective birth control.
Alison is over at Jo's place, telling Jo that she was secretly happy when Amanda lost her baby, but is also dismayed by Billy's eagerness to sit by Amanda's bedside and comfort her. Jake emerges from the nearby bedroom and urges Jo to be careful on her next assignment: a photo gig on Skid Row. After he and Alison head off to work, Jo goes to her bathroom and retrieves her handgun from its secret hiding place.
Lucy applauds Alison for handling Amanda's medical emergency so superbly, then tells her on the down low that since Amanda's definitely not pregnant, it can only help her chances of being promoted. A few seconds later, Alison receives a package from the receptionist...and when she excitedly opens it, she's horrified to find it filled with dried up black roses and WHORE scrawled across the inside of the box.
Jo rides along Skid Row on her motorcycle, stopping periodically to snap photos of whatever down-on-their-luck type people appear willing to be photographed by her. After turning at an intersection, she's stopped by a police officer, who informs her that she failed to signal. The cop asks to see her license and registration, so she opens her purse to retrieve her wallet...and in doing so reveals her concealed handgun. The cop's all, "The fuuuuuuuck you have in there?!!" and points his gun at her (!), then screams that she's being placed under arrest for not giving him a heads up that she was packin' heat. LOL.
As Jo gets her mug shots taken at the police station, she explains that she was merely trying to protect herself as she ventured into the scary 'hood. The officer chides her again for carrying a concealed weapon, then says she can reclaim her handgun in about a week's time. As she departs the police station, she finds Jake waiting outside...and he shakes his head in dismay and tells her she's a stubborn moron for not getting rid of the gun like she told him she had. He adds that he's not thrilled about the idea of living with a gun owner, so Jo snaps, "Then don't!" and angrily flounces off.
Michael tells Jane he wants to take her somewhere romantic, and she's like 'sure, why the hell not?' and allows herself to be whisked away for the evening.
Billy brings Amanda home from the hospital. She hobbles around her apartment and offers to make him some lunch - but he urges her to get off her feet and says he'll whip up something for the both of them.
Alison returns home and listens to her answering machine, where Billy has left her a message inviting her to hang with him and a recuperating Amanda - but Alison's like nope and decides she'd rather spend the evening drinking heavily. A few seconds later, she gets two calls from an anonymous heavy breather who warns, "I'm watching you" ... and she assumes it's Brett Nelson and unplugs her phone before continuing her boozing.
During their romantic getaway, Michael tells Jane he regrets his infidelity and hopes she can find it in her heart to forgive him. He gabbles about what the future holds for them - a big house and lots of children - and breezily says they'll barely remember this adulterous blip. Jane says she'll do her best to try to believe in him again...and the two get amorous, tear each other's clothes off, and start going at it on the rug.
When Billy returns home, Alison says she's irked that he spent the entire evening comforting Amanda and wonders aloud if she made the right decision dumping Keith...just as - ack! - Keith is standing outside their apartment, creepily staring at them through the living room window.
Rhonda tells Matt that she really really hopes Terrence proposes to her again, and Matt suggests she take him to his favorite Chinese restaurant and let nature take its course.
The D&D staff cheer Amanda when it's announced that she'll be taking over for Lucy, and Amanda thanks Alison for sticking by her through her recent health scare and hopes they can leave the entire Billy conflict behind them. Amen to that. Alison is hand delivered a greeting card, and when she opens it sees that has BITCH scrawled inside of it. She snaps, "Damn it!" and storms straight over to Brett Nelson's office. She shrieks, "No more!" and orders him to stop sending her cards and flowers with expletives scrawled across them...and Brett stares back at her blankly and insists that he had nothing to do with any of that. Alison stares back at him confusedly, looking as though she believes him.
Kimberly tells Michael she's willing to be just friends with him, and he slyly asks her how she feels about sleeping with a married man who's determined to be a cheating spouse. He makes it clear that he has no intention of leaving Jane...but at the same time doesn't have the kind of passion with his wife that the two of them generate every time they hit the sack. When he asks her what she's doing tonight, she cackles gleefully and plants a big smooch on his lips. Assholes.
Amanda calls Billy to invite him to dinner to celebrate her promotion - but he declines after Alison calls him on his other line to tell him she could use a relaxing evening after all the scary shit that's been happening to her lately.
Rhonda and Terrence are out for dinner in Chinatown, and her marriage proposal surprise is derailed when the waitress fails to deliver the fortune cookie with the will you marry me? message inside. She comes right out and asks Terrence if he still has any interest in getting hitched, and he beams and says, "I thought you'd never ask." Farewell, dullards.
While standing on the sidewalk in front of Melrose Place, Billy tells Alison he'll resolve things with Amanda so they can resume their budding romance...and when Alison suggests they chillax this evening with a bowl of popcorn and a movie, Billy offers to run down to the video rental store to pick out something for them to watch. Keith, who's been watching the interaction from his car, stares daggers at Billy before sneaking up on him from behind and viciously attacking him.
Amanda and the Melrose Place gang are at the hospital, waiting for word about Billy, when Keith appears with a bouquet of flowers. He tells Alison he just happened to be in town on business when he heard about Billy's accident, and she somehow finds this plausible and tells him it's good to see him again. Michael comes over to inform everyone that Billy is going to be just fine...and Amanda and Alison rush over to his room to pay him a short visit.
Jane wanders around the hospital looking for Kimberly...and when she finally locates her, she holds up her ring finger and haughtily says that her wedding ring is a symbol of a commitment and a bond - and that she hopes when she gets a man of her own, some bitch will come along and seduce him. As she begins to flounce off, Kimberly screeches, "It's not over!" and Jane's all, "Wuh" ... then says if that's really true, she has no problem dumping the cheating man-whore like yesterday's news.
Amanda tells Billy she has a big surprise for him when he's released from the hospital, and he perks up at that and is all, "Surprise..?"
Jo tells Jake she just can't decide if she wants to move in with him, so he warns her if they go their separate ways after the building sells, he's going to start seeing other people. Jo snaps, "Fine, have fun" and tells him she'll get a ride home [from the hospital] with Matt.
Alison returns to her apartment with Keith and apologizes for the shitty way she abandoned him in Seattle. She pulls out her bottle of booze, starts guzzling, and tells him about the BITCH and WHORE flowers and card she recently received. Keith scrunches his face faux concernedly and says, "That's terrible" ... and as he gives her a reassuring hug, he stares into space with his face contorted all sinister-like.
The next day, Alison picks up Billy and brings him back to Melrose Place. They're startled to see Amanda and her father in the courtyard...then look shocked when Amanda excitedly informs them that her father bought Melrose Place so she can live in one of the apartments and preside over the management of the complex. She chortles gleefully and chirps, "I think I'm really going to loooooove it here!"