Recap: The Melrose Place gang is gathered at Michael's/Jane's apartment, and for some reason everyone's willingly watching 1969 footage of when Jane was a baby. When the home movie footage comes to a merciful end, Michael excitedly announces that tomorrow is their baby's first ultrasound...and everyone does their best to feign interest in that as they simultaneously make a break for the door.
Upon their return to their apartment, Alison snarks at Billy for stinking up the place with his distinctive "guy smell" and complains that he never does laundry or any form of housecleaning. Billy promises to get right on that tomorrow, then makes a bet with Alison that if he doesn't follow through, he'll treat her to dinner. Yawn.
The next morning, Billy runs into Jake in the laundry room and for some reason holds up one of Alison's bras and remarks on how perplexing he finds it that women have to wear such snug fitting undergarments. He takes his childish bemusement one stupid step further by putting the bra on over his t-shirt...and Jake reacts by giggling like a schoolgirl. The pubescent buffoonery comes to an abrupt end when Alison enters the laundry room, sees what Billy and Jake are laughing about, and angrily snatches her bra away from Billy before storming out.
Over at the hospital, Michael is bantering with Dr. Kimberly Shaw (squeal!) about the surgery schedule and how their afternoon surgery conflicts with Jane's ultrasound. Kimberly eggs Michael on to confront the attending physician (Dr. Levin) about it since he just happens to be headed their way with a group of interns. Michael approaches Dr. Levin, politely asks if he can be excused from the 1:00pm surgery so he can be present at his spawn's ultrasound, but the humorless Dr. Levin's like, "Fuck off, I'm not making any changes to the schedule."
Matt gives Jane a lift to the hospital, then is roped into keeping her company during the ultrasound. Michael explains that he wasn't able to get out of surgery, wishes a pouty Jane good luck, and rushes off to get scrubbed up.
Dr. Fisher and a technician perform the ultrasound...and a few seconds into it, they exchange worried glances. Dr. Fisher asks Matt to step outside so he can tell Jane in private that her lifeless baby has no heartbeat...and that it's pretty weird she hasn't yet had a miscarriage. As Jane wigs out and is all, "Wha-a-a-a??", Dr. Fisher tells her they're going to have to get her to an OR and remove the expired fetus asap.
Billy gets insulted when he discovers that Alison has had a lock installed on her bedroom door. He blames the bra incident on his startling-for-a-grown-man level of immaturity, but Alison snarks, "That's no excuse!" and calls him a pervert. She then says it's probably good that that the bra idiocy happened, 'cause clearly she needed reminding that the two of them are nothing more than roommates who only put up with each other so they can split the rent. Billy argues that they've become much more than that, and implores her to find it in her heart to overlook his general boneheadedness and consider reinstating their friendship status.
Dr. Fisher tells Michael that Jane is out of surgery and that [were it not for his imminent dalliance with Dr. Kimberly Shaw that puts a swift end to his boring-as-fuck marriage] he and his wife could try for spawn #2, pronto.
Matt is in the Melrose Place courtyard, filling everyone in about the ultrasound gone bad when Michael and Jane return home. They're all like, "We're sooooo sorry", but assure the two that there's plenty of time for them to have lots of kids...'cause, yeah, that'd be super entertaining to watch on a soapy night time drama.
Jane moans to Michael about how surreal it is that the miracle of life which was once nestled inside of her is suddenly gone, and Michael grunts about how sad he is about his spawn checking out while in utero.
Alison natters to Billy about how sad she is about Jane's loss...and Billy's like, "Yep, it's a real shame", then swiftly changes the subject to her annoyance at him for trying on her bra. OMFG. Alison gets annoyed about it all over again, makes it clear she doesn't want to talk about it, then accuses him of ogling her hooters just now.
Jane has a dream that she's cradling a baby blanket without a baby in it, then wakes up in a cold sweat. Michael, meanwhile, is putting the crib in a storage unit with his normally bland-expressioned face contorted into one of sadness.
The next day at the hospital, Kimberly tells Michael she's surprised he came in to work, then suggests he's in denial about his lost spawn. Michael insists he's not, says it's better for him to come to work and keep busy, then snarks at her for presuming to talk to him about this personal matter as though she were his psychiatrist.
As Alison gets out of the shower and towels off, Billy knocks on the door to announce that he's off to Shooters...then explains that he often comes off as an immature dolt 'cause of a long tradition of him being the class clown. Alison doesn't reply, and instead just mutely stares at her bare hooters in the mirror.
Jane calls her mom to tell her about the pregnancy no-go and assures her that she and Michael are doing A-OK...and a few seconds later, Jake and Sandy drop by with a scrappy looking little pooch to cheer them up. Michael looks less than thrilled about having a pet to take care of between long hospital shifts and also reminds them about the complex's no dog policy - but an oblivious Sandy assures him that no one's going to rat them out to the landlord.
By the next morning, the small dog has made an implausibly giant mess of the apartment, then caps off his messy rampage by peeing on Michael's medical bag. Jane hurriedly takes the pooch out for a walk...then, for some reason, unhooks his leash so he can race around and wreak havoc in the courtyard.
Billy asks Jake to jimmy Alison's new lock so he can sneak into her bedroom and retrieve the cassette tapes he loaned her. He then whines to Jake about Alison overreacting about bra-gate, and Jake somehow refrains from telling him to shut the fuck up about Alison's fucking bra already.
Dr. Levin rips Michael a new one for administering the wrong dosage of medication to a patient and orders him to go home for the rest of the day so he can think about what he did. Kimberly follows Michael to the locker room and implores him to use the mandatory down time to come to grips with the loss of his spawn, and Michael snarkishly tells her to stop bugging him about it and get a damn life of her own. She looks hurt and snaps, "Go to hell, Mancini!" before storming out of the room.
Jane ropes Matt into coming along on a dog walk at the beach. She absently lets the dog off-leash again, natters to a bored Matt about how sad she is that her dream of motherhood has been put on hold, then suddenly realizes that her new pet is nowhere to be found.
Alison gets angry at Jake for tampering with her lock at Billy's behest, then announces that she's going to get revenge...and by get revenge, she barges into Billy's room, rifles through his underwear drawer, and gawks at the lurid cover on his copy of Playpen. That'll show him.
Michael returns home after hours of driving aimlessly around Los Angeles. Jane tells him she lost their new pet at the beach, and he's all, "How in the fuck did that happen?!" Right?! Jane says she's irked that he seemingly had no emotions about their lost spawn, but now is sooooo upset about losing their dog of one day. Michael blurts out that he's harboring resentment against her 'cause she once considered aborting their baby, and an aghast Jane shoots him the stink-eye and storms out of the apartment.
At the hospital, Michael apologizes to Kimberly for being such a rude turd yesterday - but Kimberly says she thought it over and realized that she really doesn't have a life of her own. No duh. She tells him she'd like for them to become [fuck] buddies and use each other as sounding boards whenever they need to blow off steam [mmm hmm]...then wistfully remarks on what a lucky woman Jane is. Even though she's not, 'cause...well, it's Michael she's married to.
Billy implores Alison to open up about what's really bothering her, 'cause he's not buying that this contrived conflict between them is 100% bra related. Alison explains that when she was a child, her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, and took an interminably loooooooong time to feel good about her body again. As Billy stares sheepishly into space, Alison adds that she hates magazines like Playpen 'cause of the way they sexualize women's mammaries...but then agrees that she really does need to open up to him a lot more about all the stuff that bugs her. Bravo. I shall consider bra-gate officially resolved.
The Melrose gang convenes at the beach to aid in the half-hearted search for Jane's/Michael's missing dog. Michael shows up unexpectedly, admits to Jane that he was a shit for implying that she brought on the miscarriage because she once contemplated getting an abortion, then natters about how confuuuuused he still is about not becoming a daddy in a matter of months.
The missing dog is discovered living the high life with a grey-haired woman in overalls who lives in a ramshackle house on the beach. She tells Jane and Michael she happily took in the abandoned pooch, named him Barney, then waxes on and on about what a super awesome dog he is. She sadly hands him over to Michael, declines his offer of a reward, and kisses the pooch goodbye. As Jane and Michael start to amble off, it hits them at the exact same time that Overalls would be a far better dog owner than two self-absorbed people such as themselves could ever hope to be. When they ask her if she'd like to keep the dog as her forever pet, she woots happily at their change of heart and cuddles a very relieved looking Barney.
Jane and Michael wrap up this dud of an episode by walking along the beach and exchanging I love yous. Yawn.
Recap: Sandy lures Jake up to her apartment with the promise of beer and pizza...and he's surprised and delighted to be yelled surprise! at by the rest of the Melrose Place residents, who secretly gathered together to celebrate his birthday. Billy wishes Jake a happy birthday, then says he's outa here 'cause he has to work the cabbie graveyard shift. On his way downstairs, he runs into an aging, cleavage-bearing redhead who asks him if Jake's around, and he directs her to Sandy's apartment. The redhead enters Apartment 6, introduces herself to the gang as Stella, then spots Jake across the room and waxes on about what gorgeous piece of eye candy he is. Mmm hmm...no argument there. As the partygoers begin tittering amongst each other about what looks like some kind of May-December hookup, Jake puts the blechy speculations to rest when he introduces Stella to everyone as his [estranged] mother.
Billy drops off an elderly woman near a burger joint in a scary L.A. 'hood, then looks visibly freaked out when he sees a vintage pink car filled with scowling black youths shooting him the stink-eye. They trail after Billy in his cab...and when Billy accidentally gets stuck at the end of a dead end road, they block him in, climb out of their car with baseball bats, and smash up his windshield while he quivers in the driver's seat.
Jake opens his birthday gifts and grumbles to Sandy about how much he hates surprises, specifically the way his mother just made an unannounced guest appearance. When Sandy says that Stella seems nice and urges him to give her a chance, he snaps at her to shut it 'cause she doesn't know the first thing about their dysfunctional mother-son dynamic. A few seconds later, Alison gets a call from Billy, who's at the police station, post windshield attack. She quickly heads out to pick him up.
Billy gives his eyewitness account of the attack to a police detective who doesn't seem overly interested in catching the perps. When Alison arrives, Billy gives her a quick recap of the frightening ordeal, then grumbles about how the cops have been making him feel guilty for venturing into the 'hood. Alison points out that the most important thing is that he wasn't physically harmed.
Jake chides Stella for showing up without calling first, then comes right out and asks her why she's here. She tells him she got so sick of Hank's drinking (and unemployed status) that she abruptly left him and bought a one-way ticket for L.A. She tells Jake she has nowhere else to go, insists that she's a changed woman from the slutty lush she used to be, and implores him to show her some compassion. She also promises to not extend her stay past the end end credits of this self-contained episode.
As Billy and Alison return home and amble through the courtyard, Billy grumbles about how powerless he felt during the attack, vows to never step foot in the 'hood again, then steps in it when he bitterly adds, "Those people can have that part of town if they want it." Rhonda prickles up and demands to know what he means by those people...and that when he snidely said those people, was he including her? As the rest of the Melrose Place cast mates glance around uneasily and contemplate the most discreet way to beat a hasty retreat, Billy reiterates that he was the one who was just terrorized and robbed by a group of gangbangers, then adamantly denies being a racist. Rhonda snorts derisively, nonsensically says she's going to assume the only black people he's ever befriended are janitors or basketball players, snaps, "Go to hell!", and storms up to her apartment.
The next morning, Billy is tapping away at his computer, attempting to write about his ordeal. After flashing back to the windshield smashing, he tells Alison he's so discombobulated that he can't seem to string two words together. Alison assures him it's healthy for him to be working through the traumatic experience - but he just grumbles about how unlike him it is to have lingering feelings of anger and frustration.
Jane tells Michael she had a nightmare about their apartment getting robbed, and he coos at her and gives her a comforting hug. She says she's nervous about bringing a child into this dangerous world, but Michael assures her that he'll do his best to protect her and their child. She then reminds him they have a parenting class tonight, and he rolls his eyes and looks less than thrilled at being relegated yet again to the episode's dullest-as-fuck subplot.
Jake ambles into his kitchen, where Stella is cooking breakfast. When he warns her not to get too comfortable in his digs, she tells him to lighten up and assures him she has no hidden agenda. Other than wanting to squat in his living room indefinitely. Jake snarks about what a shitty mother she was to him during his formative years, and Stella breezily urges him to forget about all that unpleasantness and do his best to enjoy her visit.
Alison runs into Rhonda, who's still miffed about Billy referring to the gangbangers as 'those people'. She pronounces that Billy's true colors came out last night and predicts that every other Melrose Place resident would probably have reacted to the windshield smashing incident in exactly the same way. As Alison wrings her hands helplessly, Rhonda stares despondently into space and says, "I have no idea where we're supposed to go from here."
Billy drops by D&D to ask Alison if he can borrow her car so he can drive down to the insurance company and file a claim for his damaged cab. She's like, "Yeah, fine", and he leaves her some money for cab fare in case he doesn't make it back to D&D by 5pm to give her a lift home.
Stella joins Sandy as she suns herself by the Melrose pool. Sandy asks her how long she's planning to mooch off of Jake, and Stella's like, "As long as possible" and adds that she's looking to settle down in L.A. and get herself a waitressing job asap. Sandy squeals, "I'm a waitress too!" - but clarifies that she's more an out-of-work actress who makes the rent by serving drinks at Shooters.
Michael looks visibly bored during the parenting class he and Jane are attending...and thank goodness Dr. Kimberly Shaw arrives on the scene in the next episode to give these dullards' storyline a much needed shot in the arm.
Billy and Jake are staking out the burger joint in the 'hood, near where Billy's cab was attacked by the gangbangers. Billy says he thinks Rhonda's way out of line with her racism accusations, and Jake's like, "Yeah whatever...how long do we have to stake out this burger joint?"
Over at Shooters, Matt buys Rhonda a drink...and she's still yammering about Billy's snide 'hood remarks from the other night. Matt empathizes and says he gets similarly bummed whenever he hears people ridicule gays. Rhonda's like, "Yeah whatever...I wasn't done talking about me yet" and says that while she can't disassociate herself from her 'hood folk, she also doesn't want to become blind to their problems. She then decides that what she really wants is to become part of the solution. Fantastic.
After a long stakeout, Billy finally spots the pink car that was used in the attack on his cab. He jots down the license plate number and chirps, "Busted!"
The next morning, a smug Billy waxes on to Alison about how the bastards that smashed up his cab's windshield will be "getting nailed" by the police any minute now. Alison somehow refrains from laughing at the hilarity of Billy trying to come across as a tough guy while he was saying getting nailed, and chides him for lying to her about why he wanted to borrow her car. She urges him to get a better handle on his anger.
Jane and Michael bicker about his boredom at the parenting class...fuuuuuuuck...and when Jane chides him for being too rough with the newborn doll, he accuses her of being overbearingly protective.
Over at Shooters, Jake tells Sandy that his mother was a slutty drunkard who always treated him like he was a pest...and that he really doesn't appreciate the way she barged into his life. Sandy admonishes him for his negative 'tude - just as a visibly drunk Stella sashays into the bar, strikes up a flirty conversation with a pool player, then seductively presses herself against him. Jake smugly tells Sandy, "I rest my case."
Rhonda calls Billy's cab company and specifically requests him as her driver so she can drive with him to South Central and make him join forces with her to do something positive for the underprivileged community. After surveying all the burned out buildings, they stop at a food clearinghouse, where Rhonda donates a big bag of groceries. After that, the two happen to catch an impromptu street sermon from a pastor who urges everyone within earshot to reject snide-itude and instead embrace hope and love in their lives.
That evening, Alison tells Billy that the police called to let him know that they picked up the ringleader of the gang who smashed his windshield and said he needs to go to the precinct to make a positive ID. Billy scrunches his face concernedly as he mutters about how conflicted he now feels about ratting out an underprivileged youth from the 'hood.
A drunk Stella stumbles into Jake's apartment and explains to Jake that she spent much of the day getting blitzed with the guy she met at Shooters...and that the alcohol fueled hours just flew by. She quickly passes out on the couch, and Jake covers her with a blanket and sourly mutters, "You haven't changed" before stalking out of the apartment.
Michael admits to Jane that he knows he did a shit job at the parenting class, and that he's determined to avoid screwing up his kid's life the way Stella did to Jake. Jane smilingly concurs and promises to do her best to let go of being overbearingly protective. %$#@.
Stella apologizes to Jake for getting hammered last night, and he brings her a glass of orange juice and says he's decided that the best way to relate to her is adult-to-adult...which translates to 'I want you out of my apartment, like yesterday'. Stella stares despondently into space and wonders aloud who she could possibly burden with a surprise! long term visit on such short notice, and Jake just shrugs and says, "That's up to you." Stella shoots him a sad look and admits that she got herself knocked up when she was far too young and couldn't cope with being a mother. Jake's like, "Yeah whatever, just don't be here when I get home tonight."
Billy's at home, writing his drivel on the computer, when Rhonda drops by to see whassup. He tells her the police arrested the guy who smashed up his windshield, but that he's having second thoughts about IDing him 'cause he doesn't want to create more troubles for someone who is so clearly troubled. Rhonda rolls her eyes and says, "The law's the law" and offers to drive him to the police station so they can quickly wrap up this cringe-tastic storyline.
In the next scene, Billy is staring at the lineup and IDs the attacker. A few minutes later, he and Rhonda see the attacker's mother storm into the police station and smack her son for his idiocy. Haha!
Sandy tells Jake that Stella packed up her shit and headed to the bus station...and that if he hurries over there, he'll have a window of about twenty minutes to bid her a poignant farewell.
Stella tells Jake she's decided to go back to wherever she came from, and that she's finally willing to "go it alone" in life. She tells him she loves him and admits to having a funny way of showing it...and Jake refrains from returning her I love you and woodenly replies, "Take care."
Alison arrives home and finds Rhonda and Billy hanging by the pool together. As she wanders over and grins happily at the sight of their renewed friendship, Rhonda pronounces to the two how important it is for racially diverse apartment dwellers to keep the lines of communication open...and Billy concurs and adds that it's also important to be willing to listen. Alison nods approvingly and says, "Looks like everything here's going to be aw-right", then heads off to unpack her groceries. Billy thanks Rhonda for the enlightenment she provided him with this episode, and she wishes him a good night and heads up to her apartment, leaving him sitting contemplatively by the pool.
Recap: Billy is driving around in his cab when he spots a fuzzy headed woman parked on the side of the street, peering perplexedly under the hood of her car. He pulls over and asks if he can help out...but when it's clear that he's just as inept at diagnosing anything related to engine problems, he offers to give her a ride to the nearest gas station. During the ride, she introduces herself as Dawn, tells him she's an aspiring comedian...and that since she doesn't have enough cash to pay for cab fare, she hopes he'll accept tickets to her open mic night at The Laugh Connection as payment. Billy looks intrigued by the prospect of spending a night listening to a bunch of amateur comedians performing their schticks and chirps, "Kewl!"
Michael tells Jake he's taking Jane out for a romantic dinner, and Jake laments his inability to maintain a serious relationship on account of his tendency to immediately jump into the sack with every woman he fancies. Michael urges him to stop giving in to his animal instincts and take things slow by first building a friendship with a woman, and Jake mulls over that foreign concept and promises to give it a try.
Billy and Alison invite Rhonda and Matt over to hang in their kitchen and cook a big group dinner. Billy tells everyone about his new friend Dawn, who he describes as worldly, mature, and challenging...then invites them all to come along to her open mic night.
The next night, Dawn is on stage at The Laugh Connection and delivers a mediocre at best performance with a smattering of mostly unfunny material. When she mercifully wraps up her joke-making, Billy gushes about how hi-LAR-ious she was...while Alison makes a seriously? face in the background. LOL. When Billy suggests they all go out for a bite to eat, Dawn declines and says she has to catch the last bus home...and Billy offers to drive her home after treating her to pizza.
Over pizza, Dawn tells Billy she was married for eight years, and that she left the bum when he became less than supportive of her comedic aspirations. She's somehow under the illusion that she's really good at it and, at times, is optimistic that she could earn a living from it...but then at other times, when she's a lot more rational and clear-headed, doubts her comedic abilities and thinks she should maybe pursue a more sustainable career. Billy tells her he goes through the same thing with his lofty dream of becoming a writer, but continues to tap away at his clunky '90s computer, regardless.
Jake tells Sandy that since they've always "had something going on", they should give traditional dating a try and go out to dinner and a movie without hitting the sheets afterwards. Sandy looks skeptical and reminds him that they've never been able to "do" platonic...but when Jake pleads with her to give sexless dating a shot, she agrees.
Billy walks Dawn to her apartment and hints about how much he'd love to see the inside of her place. Dawn natters about how messy it is - just as the door to her apartment opens and a young boy and his babysitter spill out. Dawn introduces Billy to her son Martin...and Martin glares at Billy and looks less than thrilled that his mom has a new beau.
Billy returns home and tells Alison about Martin...and that he's kinda bummed that his new gal is a single mother 'cause it means they'll never have privacy or the freedom to spontaneously go away for the weekend. Alison concurs and says, "It's a lot of responsibility", which prompts Billy to rethink what he just said ten seconds earlier. He now thinks he could probably relate to a kid like Martin, then decides he's going to call Dawn and invite himself over to her place for dinner.
That evening, Sandy is primping for her date with Jake, while a disapproving Rhonda reminds her that Jake dumped her like yesterday's news after gratifying himself with a one night stand. Sandy breezily explains that the dumping was just as much her fault 'cause she wasn't ready for a relationship back then...and Rhonda ignores this rewriting of history and asks her if she trusts Jake, to which Sandy nonsensically replies, "I don't know if I trust myself."
Billy, Dawn, and Martin are having a strained dinner at Dawn's apartment...and Martin comes right out and tells Billy he hates him for dating his mom and for acting as though he's the new head of the household. Dawn changes the subject to her fledgling comedy career and announces that she somehow got a paying gig in Ventura...but that it might not work out 'cause of how far away and inconvenient it is to get to by bus, which she'll have to do 'cause she can't afford the $300 it's going to cost to get her car fixed. When Billy offers to drive her to Ventura, Martin whinily orders his mom to get the car repair money from his dad, and an irritated Dawn growls that his dad is such a deadbeat he won't even pay for child support, much less give her extra cash to fix her car. Martin gets upset and flees to his room, and Billy decides that this could be the perfect opportunity for some poignant man-boy bonding with a kid he met a day ago.
After going to a movie, Jake and Sandy sit in a restaurant and marvel at their restraint in not so much as holding hands all evening. Sandy chuckles about how she always assumed that he thought of her as little more than a blonde airhead, and he chuckles about how he always assumed that she thought of him as little more than a dumb construction worker who was incapable of monogamy...and the two continue to chuckle and shake their heads as if both assumptions wouldn't have been so completely on the nose.
Billy goes into Martin's room to console the sobbing boy, sees that the kid has a bunch of Terminator gear, and waxes on about what a huge fan he too is of the movie. When Martin slightly perks up at that, Billy coos, "It'll all be OK", and a touched looking Dawn stands in the doorway and nods approvingly.
Jake and Sandy return to Melrose Place and agree that they both had a wonderful time on their chaste date. As they shake hands, they begin staring hungrily in each other's eyes...then start smooching and do the urgent, TV tropey, 'we-need-to-have-sex-right-now!' shuffle into his apartment. As soon as they start going at it on the couch, Sandy suddenly puts the brakes on and reminds him that they're supposed to be taking it slow. She blames him for initiating the amorousness, accuses him of acting like sex is all they have going for them, and storms out...leaving Jake staring after her perplexedly.
Billy asks Alison for a $300 loan, then fibs and tells her he got into an accident with his cab and needs to get it fixed so he can continue to earn a living. Alison says she was saving up for a new transmission for Betsy, but decides it's more important to help out a friend during his hour of need. As she rushes off to get her checkbook, Billy stares sheepishly into space.
Billy presents Dawn with Alison's $300 so she can get her car fixed. She thanks him, then says that the thought of performing at the Ventura comedy club is terrifying (which is totally understandable considering the earlier clip of her open mic night schtick), but Billy assures her she'll do great, and offers to look after Martin while she's off taking the SoCal comedy world by storm.
Over in the Melrose Place laundry room, Jake rails at Michael for advising him to take a slow approach to dating...and then we get an annoying back and forth montage of their conversation blended with a conversation between Sandy and Rhonda, during which Sandy pronounces Jake to be a selfish womanizer. Jake then tells Michael that he doubts Sandy actually wants a serious commitment, and Sandy declares that she and Jake are over.
Billy brings Martin by his apartment and suggests to Alison that the three of them spend the day at Magic Mountain...and Martin gets excited and is all, "Yay!"
Billy, Alison, and Martin are aboard a Magic Mountain rollercoaster, and the rollercoaster footage seems to go on for a very loooooong time while they all shriek with terrified delight. Afterwards, Martin toddles off to a food truck to buy himself a snack, and Alison reminds Billy that taking care of a kid is a lot of responsibility, then stares contemplatively into space and says she has zero desire to ever be burdened with children of her own. Amen to that, sister.
That evening, Martin romps in the pool with the Melrose Place menfolk, while Alison tells Jane and Rhonda that she can't imagine ever being ready for kids. Jane says that no one thinks they're ever ready, but that most people are forced to change their minds once the baby pops out and expects to be fed, cooed at, and have its diaper regularly changed.
Late that night, Dawn arrives at Billy's apartment to pick up Martin. She tells Billy and Alison she got a lot of laughs during her performance, and that tonight's success has emboldened her to pursue comedy further. She thanks Billy for loaning her the $300 she needed to get her car fixed...and as soon as Dawn's out of earshot, Alison's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and snarks at Billy for pretending to be a responsible adult at her expense. She rails at him for making his girlfriend's financial woes her problem...and when Billy insists he'll pay her back, she just sneers and says she doubts she'll ever be able to trust him again.
The next day, Billy drops by Dawn's place...and when he hears her loudly arguing with her ex-husband, he bursts in and asks Dawn if everything's OK. The ex gets annoyed by the intrusion, and soon he and Billy are barking insults and shoving each other around the living room. Dawn gets fed up and asks her ex to leave, which upsets Martin and sends him fleeing to his bedroom. Dawn admonishes Billy for bursting into her place uninvited and sassing her ex in front of his son, then asks him if he's really ready to take on the obligation of a family. When he just stares vacantly into space - LOL - she gives him his $300 back and explains that her ex had stopped by to give her a child support payment, then tells him to get the hell out of her apartment.
Sandy complains to Jane that the doorknob on her closet needs replacing, but Jane just shrugs and says she's shit outa luck 'cause Michael's at the hospital for the next several hours. She suggests asking Jake if he'd be interested in fixing it...and in the next scene, Jake is fumbling around with the faulty knob. When it slips out of his hand and rolls across the room, he and Sandy burst out laughing then sit on the floor together and agree that it'd probably be best if they just stick to being friends. Which makes sense considering the producers give Sandy the heave-ho, four episodes from now.
Billy pays back Alison the $300 he borrowed and apologizes for screwing up, and says he hopes she'll find it in her heart to trust him again. Alison concedes that while his heart was in the right place, his decision to jump head-first into a relationship with a single mother wasn't very realistic. Billy explains that after a lifetime of being coddled by his parents, Dawn came along and gave him the chance to be there for someone...then marvels about how great it felt to help her out.
Dawn is performing in the Ventura comedy club, laying it on thick with snide jokes about how all men want to be superheroes and rescue women...and the camera pans over to Billy, who stares into space with a stricken expression on his face. After her performance, Billy ambles over to where she's standing and says he really enjoys hanging with her - but she cuts him off and tells him she's not ready to jump into a relationship, relays the tired old 'its not you it's me' dating exit strategy, and says that for the foreseeable future she just wants to focus on her comedy career and her son.
Billy is laying on the couch in his apartment, pondering aloud to Alison whether or not he should use his new-found freedom to travel the world...though it's unclear how he'd finance this travel, given that he wasn't even able to scrounge up $300 to loan to Dawn. And speaking of Dawn, he says he really liked being part of a little family for the last three days, and that he now has that to look forward to when he has a wife and kids of his own...and he says all this while exchanging flirty glances with Alison.
Recap: A dork wearing wearing a '90s jean jacket peeks into a store window and sees Sandy and Rhonda giggling at each other as they try on silly hats. Rhonda tells Sandy she's being ogled, so Sandy looks over at the window, smiles politely at the dork...and this seems to embolden him enough to enter the store, introduce himself as Paul, and tell Sandy that if she's not already a model or actress she should become one asap. After a few more seconds of benign chitchat, Sandy's like, "OK then, see ya later" and exits the store with Rhonda...and Paul chases after her to invite her to dinner later. She accepts his invitation with half-hearted enthusiasm, and the two agree to meet at Angelina's at 8pm.
During dinner, Paul drones on about his small hometown and that he's still trying to navigate life in L.A. He says he's never gone out with a woman he met by leering at her through a store window, and Sandy agrees that it's a pretty dicked up way for two people to hook up.
Alison returns home after a stressful commute home due to car malfunction problems. She storms into the apartment, where Billy is busily typing whatever dreck he's now immersed in on the computer, and rails about how her stupid car Betsy stalled several times in heavy traffic, which the other motorists reacted to by honking their horns and screaming obscenities at her. Billy urges her to replace her decrepit car with something that's at least halfway functional...and when she moans, "I can't afford a new car!", he assures her she'll qualify for a loan.
Paul tells Sandy he's in the potted plant/nursery business and seems intrigued by the fact that she hails from a small town in South Carolina. After they finish dinner, he invites her to Venice Beach for some dessert, but she tells him she's had a long week and just wants to go home. Paul's like, "Kewl! Where's that?" and insists on following her home by driving behind her, and Sandy's like, "Uh, OK" ... 'cause, yeah, what could possibly go wrong with that?
Paul walks with Sandy into the Melrose Place courtyard and gushes about what a great complex it is, and that he'd really love to see the inside of her apartment, which...subtle, Paul. He leans in for a kiss and says he'd love to see her again - but she's like nope and tells him that her life [as failing Hollywood wannabe] is far too complicated right now. He cluelessly chirps, "OK, I'll call you in a few weeks", but she tells him that the timing just isn't right - as in 'please just go away quietly and don't make me tell you why I never want to date you again' - and breezily thanks him for dinner. After he ambles off, Sandy is startled when she sees that Jake has been sitting in a pool chair the whole time, eavesdropping on the awkward blow-off. When he asks her how the date went, she tells him it was terrible, and that she knew right away that there was no spark and would never be any spark...and she says this while staring longingly at his chiseled face.
Billy takes Alison to a used car lot and gives her advice on how to play hard-to-get while car shopping. Alison's eyes light up when she spots a shiny red convertible, but then gets bummed when she salesman tells her he's only willing to give her $300 for her clunker. Billy decides that's too low and dramatically declares, "We're outa here!" ... and when the salesman doesn't bother to try to stop them from leaving, Billy suggests to Alison that they sell her car privately.
Sandy arrives with groceries for an impromptu Melrose Place barbecue and is stunned to find Paul hanging with her cast mates, chugging a beer. When he presents her with a bouquet of roses, she pulls Rhonda and Jane aside and tells them she's soooo not into this dork, then walks over to Paul and firmly tells him it's time for him to go. As she walks him to his car, he remarks on how uncomplicated her life seems...so she comes right out and spells out that it's merely the sort of thing women say when they want to politely brush off a loser they have zero interest in dating. He's like, "Hmm...I can take a hint" (if only), then shakes her hand and wishes her good luck...but when she turns around and walks back to the apartment complex, he stares after her with his sad face on.
Sandy wakes up the next morning and sees that the swimming pool is filled with lilies, which Michael has just started to fish out. He tells her that the mess is courtesy of Paul, and that he left behind a note that reads A little bit of home, Love Paul. Yikes.
A no-nonsense woman responds to Alison's car ad...and after giving Betsy a careful once-over, she tells Alison that her hunk o' junk is clearly on its last legs. When Alison tries to defend Betsy's robustness, the woman snaps, "Not interested" and stalks off.
A bewildered Sandy tells Jake she thought she had made herself clear with Paul, and that L.A. is so different than her southern hometown in the sense that she's so often surrounded by strangers who haven't been vetted. Jake reminds her that they too were strangers once, then asks her to consider why she's not giving Paul a chance. Sandy just stares back at him quizzically, unsure whether she should be insulted by him encouraging her to hook up with another guy, or point out that Paul clearly has the makings of a deranged stalker.
Alison and Billy are out shooting pool, and Alison is lamenting how difficult it's proving to be to unload her shitty car on an unsuspecting buyer. Billy chides her for naming her car and suggests that she's substituting human relationships for one with an inanimate object, then urges her to buy the shiny red convertible so they can put this boring subplot to rest.
Matt and Rhonda arrive at Shooters with Paul in tow...and Matt gushes to Sandy about how Paul donated trees to the halfway house so that the residents can enjoy a little shade in the backyard. Sandy snarkishly tells Paul she hopes he didn't do this to prove to her what an awesomely dateable guy he is - but Paul pretends to have no ulterior motives and says he just decided to randomly donate trees to a charity that her friend Matt just happens to work for. Sandy firmly reminds him that there's nothing between them, and that whatever he thought this was is over. After she storms off, Jake ambles over and asks Paul whassup, and Paul says he's mystified by Sandy's standoffish behavior, especially when she was so flirty to him the day they met. He admits that, yeah, he may have come on too strong - but is deluded enough to believe that underneath her pesky resistance, she likes him a lot. Jake mutters, "Don't count on that" ... but when Paul insists on continuing to try tapping that, Jake just kind of shrugs and goes, "OK, dude. Whatever." After Paul exits the bar, Sandy thanks Jake for giving the stalker-freak the what-for, but Jake says he didn't so much give him the what-for as got an earful about all of her naughty flirting the day she and Paul met. Sandy's all, "Wha-a-a-a??" and snappishly says she expected more compassion [and basic common sense] from him than that.
Sandy walks home alone after her Shooters shift...and when she hears footsteps behind her, she breaks into a run. When she makes it safely to her apartment, she checks her phone messages and is dismayed to hear multiple Hey, babe, I love you...where are you and why the fuck haven't you been returning my calls??!! messages from Paul.
The next morning, Sandy brings her answering machine over to Michael's/Jane's apartment and plays Paul's messages for the two of them, as well as Jake. Jane empathizes and says she used to get obscene phone calls, which she quickly put an end to by blowing a whistle into the phone receiver. Michael looks weirded out by that revelation, but puts a pin in that discussion so he can shrug disinterestedly and tell Sandy he thinks that Paul just has a harmless little crush on her, and that some women would consider it flattering. Sandy refrains from smacking him hard across the face and snaps, "What if he has a screw loose and can't handle rejection?!" and Michael stares at her blankly for a few seconds, then weenie-ishly remarks that Paul seemed like a nice enough guy at the barbecue. Sandy shoots him a WTF? glare and storms out of the apartment...and when Jake chases after her to get her to chillax, she tells him to get lost.
That night, Sandy is laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, when the phone starts ringing...and she contorts her face into a troubled expression as she lets the phone ring and ring - until the scene fades to black for a commercial break.
Billy gives Jake his take on the Sandy/Paul storyline: Jake is secretly jealous of Paul's ability to express whatever feelings he might have for Sandy. Jake bursts out laughing at the half-baked theory and tells him that Sandy's pretty sure that Paul has a screw loose. Sandy breezes over and informs Jake that she went to the local police precinct to complain about The Paul Situation, but they told her that unless he tries to kill, rape, or abduct her, there's not a whole helluva lot they're willing to do. Jake clucks sympathetically and promises her that she won't have to deal with this problem herself, and that until the writers wrap up the stalker storyline in this self-contained episode, he'll escort her to and from work.
A teenage fast food worker named Debra looks over Betsy, somehow seems impressed by its grubby cuteness, and tells Alison that if she buys her shitmobile, she'll have absolutely no money left over for repairs. Alison stares sheepishly into space for a few seconds before coming clean by telling Debra that if she's interested in a functional car that isn't going to be a frustratingly endless money pit, she'd be better off looking elsewhere.
That evening, Jake walks Sandy to her apartment after her Shooters shift, and she's all, "Ack!" when she sees that someone (other than her) left the window open. As Jake searches the apartment, Sandy enters her bedroom and finds flower petals scattered over her bed. She starts weeping at the sight of it - just as Paul calls to leave a creepy message about how hard he's jerking off to the thought of her naked body atop the petals. Jake snatches the phone receiver and bellows, "You're a sick SOB!", then hangs up and asks Sandy where Paul works. She gives him the name of the nursery, and he takes her to his apartment and urges her to stay locked inside until he returns.
Jake climbs over the nursery's security fence and finds Paul inside the office, in the process of leaving Sandy another creeptastic phone message. He punches Paul in the face, then looms over him and threatens to kill him if he ever goes near Sandy again.
Jake storms back to his apartment and tells Sandy that Paul won't be bothering her anymore - assuming he's not the kind of person who would become enraged by the humiliating beating he just got on Sandy's behalf. He then invites Sandy to spend the night in his apartment...which she happily agrees to.
Late that night, Sandy and Jake are laying, fully clothed, atop his bed. Sandy dreamily reminisces about the first night they doinked, but Jake stonily tells her to shut up and get some sleep. LOL.
Alison gabbles at Billy about how much she looooves Betsy, and fondly recalls all the adventures they've shared over the years (e.g. losing her virginity in the back seat). As Billy winces at the oversharing, she laments how hard it's going to be to say goodbye to the clunker.
The next morning, Sandy is dressed in one of Jake's work shirts while she cooks him a big breakfast. As the two chow down and exchange flirty banter, the police drop by to question Jake about the face-punching he gave Paul last night. Jake explains that he was reacting to Paul's repeated harassment of a fellow Melrose Place tenant...and when they ask for proof of this, Jake says he's pretty sure that Paul broke into Sandy's apartment last night - in lieu of mentioning that Sandy had actually filed a complaint to police a couple of days ago, which they've done fuck all about. Sandy, meanwhile, moans to Michael about what a mess The Paul Situation has become and that she's going to have to take the bull by the horns and do something to fix this.
Alison returns to the used car lot to buy the red convertible, and tells Billy she's going to refrain from naming this car. The salesman comes out with all the paperwork for her to sign...and when Alison looks at the car price, somehow for the first time (?), she shrieks, "That's way too expensive!" and says she'd rather hold onto Betsy and risk getting stalled in L.A. traffic at any given time. What a lame subplot.
Sandy drops by the nursery to give Paul the what-for, and bitches at him in full earshot of his boss for obsessing about her and making repeated nuisance calls. She orders him to drop the charges against Jake, but he just scrunches his face mournfully and insists that they belong together. When she looks unmoved by that pronouncement, he cries, "What's wrong with meeeee?!" - LOL - and complains about how women don't ever seem to want to get close to him. He coos, "I love you", and Sandy says he merely loves the idea of being in love, and that if he ever does anything to creep her out again, she's going straight to the police. In the vain hope that they'll actually lift a finger to offer her some protection. Paul finally looks suitably contrite for his wacky behavior and promises to stop leaving creepy messages on her answering machine and scattering flower petals all over Melrose Place.
Jake drops by Shooters and happily reports to Sandy that the assault charges against him have been dropped, and she tells him she got the whole mess sorted out by publicly shaming Paul at his workplace. The two then stare longingly at each other, and Jake offers to walk her home after her shift...not 'cause he has to, but because he wants to. Even though it's obvious he's totally not into her and that she ends up leaving Melrose Place forever, five episodes from now.
Billy is up late watching a black and white horror movie and eating ice cream. Alison ambles into the room, sees what he's doing, and tells him to scooch over so she can get in on that action...and that's where the writers decided to end this episode.
Recap: Sandy is auditioning for a horror flick by screaming non-stop in front of a small group of movie people seated on the couch in front of her.
Over at the Melrose complex, Billy lumbers into the kitchen and glumly tells Alison that the birdcage liner of a newspaper he was writing for just went under, which means his shittastic column is no more. Haha! A few seconds later, he gets a call from his mother, who reminds him about his father's sixty-ninth birthday bash at their Palm Springs condo this weekend, and adds that she's looking forward to meeting his new girlfriend, Alison.
Michael is moving around furniture in the spare bedroom to make room for a crib and twists his ankle in the process.
Billy drops by D&D to deliver a lovely bouquet of flowers to Alison and ramble incoherently about promising his parents that he'd bring a friend to his father's birthday party in Palm Springs, and has decided he wants her to be that friend. Alison's like, "That seems weird", but is too busy being the D&D switchboard girl to contemplate the invitation any deeper.
Jake stops by Shooters to ask Sandy how her audition went, and she's like, "Not well", despite being under the illusion that she has something unique and special to offer the entertainment biz. Rhonda rushes in to excitedly report that a woman from the horror flick production just called to tell her that she somehow landed the inconsequential role of blonde woman screaming, and they're all, "Hurray!"
Billy arrives in Palm Springs with Alison and tells her that since none of his siblings could make it to the birthday party, it's just going to be the two of them and his parents for the entire weekend. Alison's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and says she was led to believe that there'd be plenty of people around to take the pressure off...and Billy's like, "Uh, about having pressure on you.." and informs her that he told his parents she's his new girlfriend. As Alison quietly digests that disturbing nugget, his parents open the door to their swanky condo and happily usher them inside.
Sandy is poring over the horror flick script, practicing her eight lines in earnest. When she snarks at Rhonda for playing her music too loud while preparing for her next cardio funk installment, a miffed looking Rhonda agrees to do her cardio funking somewhere else.
Mama and Papa Campbell gush about how delighted they are to finally meet Alison, and tell her that Billy told them she works at a literary agency. Alison's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and pulls Billy aside to ask him why in blazes he'd tell so many brazen lies to his parents...so he explains that he needs to talk his dad out of making him become a salesman at his furniture store, and somehow figured that lying about having a cute, well employed girlfriend was the best way to go about it. Alison chides him for forcing her into this idiotically contrived charade, but agrees to go along with it for the duration of the weekend.
At dinner, Papa Campbell asks Billy if it's really reasonable for him to expect to make a living from his shittastic writing, then asks Alison for her professional opinion on the matter. She thinks back to the shitty article he wrote two episodes ago on how he was too much of a wuss to go bungee jumping with Jake and Matt, and does her best to not laugh out loud at the utter ridiculousness of Billy fancying himself a writer.
Sandy is primping for a party in the Hollywood Hills and tells Rhonda that the casting director will be by soon to pick her up and ferry her there...which seems like kind of an improbable thing for a casting director to be doing - but then I'm a recapper, not a Hollywood casting director expert. When the doorbell rings, Rhonda urges her to come into the living room and bask in the impromptu surprise! celebration, complete with balloons, courtesy of the rest of the Melrose Place residents. Sandy gets irked and tells Rhonda she'd prefer to play it cool in front of the casting director, then goes outside to wait for her to arrive. Ouch.
Papa Campbell urges Billy to think seriously about working alongside him at the furniture store, and insists that it would be a wise career move that will ensure happiness and long term financial security. He then reminds Billy he suspended his constant nagging about wanting him to be a furniture salesman for one year so he could try his hand at writing, which has not surprisingly turned out to be a fruitless endeavor. Later, Mama Campbell assures Alison that it's totes cool with her that she and Billy are living together out of wedlock, then bids her good night. Alison retires to the guest room and grumbles at Billy for having to sleep in the same bed with him, but he says he's too bummed out about breaking his dad's heart to make any kind of sex play on her this episode.
Sandy is giggling drunkenly when she returns home after the Hollywood Hills party...and Jake hears her giggling and stands sexily in his doorway and stares at her. She shoots him a smug half smile and admonishes him for not believing that she'd "make it", and Jake tries hard to not laugh at her over-inflated ego and suggests they indulge in a flirty midnight swim. Sandy declines while cackling, "You haaaad yo chance", then staggers up to her apartment.
Billy gets dressed up in a suit and tie to go to work in his father's furniture store. He tells Alison he's only doing this 'cause he doesn't have the heart to disappoint his father...and she's like, "OK, whatever" and wishes him luck.
When Billy does a lackluster job of trying to sell some ghastly chintz bedecked furniture to a married couple, his clueless dad nods approvingly and gushes about what a gifted furniture salesman he is. LOL.
Jane comes home to find Michael cooking a healthy dinner for the two of them - but a few seconds later he gets so flustered by the task that he drops the food all over the floor and scalds a hand in the process. This surgeon-in-training sure got very clumsy all of a sudden.
Billy returns home after a long day peddling his father's wares at the furniture store and stares miserably into space.
Sandy is practicing her lines with a bored looking Rhonda...and things quickly get testy between them when Sandy accuses Rhonda of being bitchy. Rhonda snaps back that she's been acting all full of herself since landing a minuscule role in a cheap horror flick, and Sandy haughtily accuses her of being jealous that her dreams of stardom never came true. She announces that she heard about a great new housing situation in the Hollywood Hills and will be moving out of Melrose Place asap. Yippee!!
Lights, camera, action! Sandy screams long and hard into the camera, but after yelling, "Cut!", the director decides she'd like to spice things up by getting the actor who plays the knife-wielding killer to slowly cut open Sandy's belly baring blouse, button by button. Sandy overhears this and tells the director she'd prefer to not get exploited this way - but the director reminds her that vapid blondes in L.A. are a dime a dozen, and that if she objects to having her naughties bared on camera, she can be recast in a New York minute.
Sandy packs up her stuff and tells Rhonda she's upgrading her living situation to the Hollywood Hills.
Back at the furniture store, Billy helps a difficult customer - the actress who played Jerry Seinfeld's mom! - who complains about how everything in the store is overpriced. Billy gets fed up and growls at her to get the hell out if she doesn't like it...and when his irked father orders him to run after Mama Seinfeld and apologize, he refuses and storms out of the store.
Jake asks Sandy where she's off to, and she tells him she needs a new start...then scrunches her face sadly and whimpers, "I'm goin' nowhere fast." No argument there. She tells him her horror movie role turned into more of a soft porn flick situation, so she decided to not allow herself to be exploited on camera. She says that right now she needs a new life, new cast mates, and to find out who the hell she really is beneath her obnoxious sex kitten-laced southern belle facade.
Billy drops by the D&D reception desk to announce to Alison that he can't be a furniture salesman anymore...and Alison's like, "I can't really give a shit about that right now" 'cause she's too busy answering the endless stream of incoming D&D calls.
Jane is cooking Michael dinner while he lays around and recovers from his various injuries. He tells her he's worried about a third person coming into their lives...but she assures him that he'll be an amaaaaazing father, and then the two get into some heavy smooching action. I can't help but wonder why the writers didn't opt to leave this pointless "subplot" on the cutting room floor.
Sandy sheepishly returns to her Melrose Place apartment and admits to Rhonda that there never was an upgraded housing option in the Hollywood Hills. The two quickly sort through their differences, then spend the evening unpacking Sandy's things and pigging out on junk food. Soak it up, ladies.
Billy returns to the furniture store to talk things out with his father. He says he really really hates being a salesman and needs to make his own ill-fated career decisions...and his father decides he's A-OK with that, and the two hug it out.
Billy returns home and finds Alison barbecuing in the courtyard. He thanks her for all of her support this episode, then promises to eventually break the news to his parents that they're not actually girlfriend and boyfriend. In the next breath, he tells her he accepted an invitation from his parents for the four of them to spend an upcoming weekend on a houseboat, and Alison's all, "You did what?!" and snipes at him while the camera pans out and eventually fades to black.
Recap: The Melrose Place gang is over at Alison’s and Billy’s, enjoying a spirited game of poker. Alison wins the jackpot by bluffing her way through a shitty hand, then natters about her method of learning how to play poker: cramming the night before, the way she did before acing her exams during her high school/college days. Rhonda, meanwhile, invites Matt to attend a modern ballet performance with her and says she mostly wants to check it out ‘cause the lead dancer is an old friend of hers... and Matt hems and haws about how bored he is by dance performances before reluctantly agreeing to go.
Jake stops by Alison’s place the next morning and says he’d like to talk to her about “a proposition” this evening. She asks him if it’s sex related, looks disappointed when he says no, then agrees to come over at 7pm.
That evening, Matt is transfixed by the awesomeness of the modern ballet performance and tells Rhonda that her friend Teresa is an amaaaazing dancer.
During the proposition meeting, Jake tells Alison all about how shit his childhood was - living in a trailer, etc. - and that he got kicked out of the trailer once he took a disliking to his mother’s drunken boyfriend. As a result of being thrown out onto the street at a tender age, he never got a chance to finish school and is now planning to take the high school equivalency test on Monday morning...and needs Alison to help him study.
Rhonda and Matt go backstage after the modern ballet performance...and Matt gushes to Teresa about what an amaaaazing dancer she is, while a pouty-faced Rhonda half-heartedly agrees. Teresa suggests that the three of them go out for a bite to eat...and before Rhonda can decline, Matt excitedly chirps, “Yes please!” LOL.
At a nearby diner, Teresa lays it on thick about how much she loooooves getting paid to live her dream - unlike Rhonda, who missed out on the opportunity five years ago after she [pretended she] sprained her ankle the day before the audition. Teresa tells Rhonda that there will be open auditions this episode and condescendingly urges her to sign up...'cause surely there's no way she'd want to spend the rest of her life teaching cardio funk to scantily clad L.A. aerobicizers. Rhonda glares back at her, her face scrunched in a peeved expression.
As Alison helps Jake cram for the GED, he complains about how fried his tiny brain is getting.
In the Melrose Place courtyard, Matt urges Rhonda to audition for the dance troupe, but she's like, "Hell no" and disdainfully calls the troupe "a piddly dance company". She haughtily claims that she’s a waaaay better dancer than Teresa...and when Matt’s like, “So prove it”, she mutters that she's too old and that too much time has passed. Matt argues that this second audition opportunity is clearly fate, then asks, “What do you have to lose?” Rhonda bitchily brushes off the fate remark as “mythical nonsense” and storms up to her apartment.
Early the next morning, Billy knocks on Michael's/Jane's door to report that Alison never made it home last night, and that he’s worried something terrible may have happened to her. Michael just shrugs and says she probably got lucky last night - just as Rhonda ambles over and looks impressed to hear that Alison may have finally gotten herself some action. When Sandy gets wind of all the tittering, she tells Billy to grow up and that Alison’s a big girl...and a few seconds later, Alison emerges from Jake’s apartment looking quasi-sheepish. She tells everyone it’s not what they think, but that she can’t/won’t provide an explanation for why she and Jake just spent the entire night together. As everyone disperses and returns to their apartments with visual alerts going off in their heads, Sandy angrily mutters, “Jake does it again.”
Billy asks Alison whassup with making it look as though she were getting it on with Jake all night, but she refuses to discuss it with him other than to say that she and Jake just spent the evening talking.
Teresa stops by the cardio funk studio while Rhonda is prepping for her next class. Rhonda tells her she’s decided to audition for the dance troupe after all and has a bunch of ideas about how to make their performance more funky...and we get to suffer through a gratuitous montage of the two of them performing a synchronized dance routine.
After the montage, Teresa thanks her for “the warmup”, then smugly says she’s off to rehearsal. She suggests they get together for a bite after the show...and when Rhonda suggests a pasta place, Teresa makes a seriously? face and advises against eating anything so fattening. Rhonda breezily insists that her super fast metabolism can handle it, but Teresa looks doubtful and is all, “Whatever you say, tubby.”
Billy stops by Shooters to ask Sandy what she thinks about Alison and Jake hooking up, and Sandy just shrugs unhappily and says that it is possible for opposites to attract. We then get to suffer through fake flashbacks of what they each think happened between Alison and Jake...and Sandy makes a big deal out of insisting how little she cares about the possibility that Alison is riding Jake’s baloney pony and thoroughly enjoying it.
During another study session, Alison tells Jake how fun it is for her to look over all the study aids after graduating from high school so long ago...then tells him she never really fit in with the cool kids and just focused on getting good grades so she could get into college. As they blab about their hopes for the future, Alison tells him not to worry so much about the equivalency test...'cause even though she earned a college degree, she's so much of a mess that she still has no idea where her career as a D&D receptionist is going. That's fair to say, I'm sure. She then informs him that everyone in the building thinks they’re having an affair, and that she's amused by their wild imaginations.
After eating at the pasta restaurant (where Teresa didn’t eat the pasta), Rhonda calls her out on being so obnoxiously smug about taking her spot in the dance troupe five years ago. Teresa insists that she would have made it onto the troupe regardless, then chides Rhonda for being jealous and bitter. Rhonda counter-snarks about the way she keeps rubbing her nose in the fact that her [fake] ankle injury prevented her from auditioning, then sassily adds, “Get ready for some competition!”
The next morning, Billy suggests to Alison that they go to the beach, but she declines ‘cause she has to spend the day with Jake. When she refuses to elaborate on what they do when they're together, Billy complains about being kept in the dark and pouts about how emotionally distant she’s being.
After a contentious looking cardio funk class, Rhonda bitches to Matt about how she’s squandering her potential in this aerobic wasteland.
Jake and Alison are out at a bar, doing some last minute studying on state capitals, when Jake shuts it down and says his tiny brain is officially fried beyond repair. He tells her to gather her stuff and get ready for a quasi-sexy adventure.
Matt drops by Rhonda’s dance studio, where she’s rehearsing for the audition. He tells her he’s worried that she’s “putting too much on the line”, but she assures him she’s used to pushing herself hard as a dancer...then tells him the embarrassing story of what really happened five years ago. Apparently, she got so wigged out by the pressure to succeed that she faked her ankle injury to avoid auditioning...but for some reason told the truth to her father, who never forgave her for being such a wussy coward. She scrunches her face sadly and says she still hasn’t forgiven herself, but is pretty sure she’s now mature enough to handle the pressure of auditioning for an obscure dance troupe no one's ever heard of.
Jake takes Alison for a motorcycle ride to a secluded spot on high ground that overlooks the L.A. city lights. When she smilingly tells him that no one’s ever taken her here before, he smirkily says she’s been going out with the wrong guys. He tells her that when he was in high school, “good girls” like herself barely gave him the time of day...and when Alison hints that she digs his rugged vibe and smokin' hot muscular bod, the two get into some intense smooching.
Over breakfast the next morning, Alison apologizes to Billy for all the secrecy, and explains that she’s been helping Jake study for his high school equivalency test. Billy lets out a huge sigh of relief and says it makes total sense now, and that the idea of her and Jake hitting the sheets is totes ridiculous. Alison starts nattering about people’s facades and how everyone should make an effort to see what’s underneath...blah blah...then says she got to know Jake a lot better this episode and realized that despite his hotness, she mostly just likes him in a platonic type way.
Sandy tells Jake that if he and Alison think they’re right for each other, they have her [needless] blessing and should go for it. Jake clarifies that Alison has been helping him study for the high school equivalency test, and that he kept it a boring secret 'til now ‘cause he's always felt like the dumb one in the apartment complex. Sandy looks visibly relieved, chirps, “That’s great!”, and says that despite her dead end Shooters job and vapid southern belle demeanor, he could have come to her for study help - but he wanks her by saying he didn’t want the distraction of studying with someone he might possibly want to bone again in the future.
Audition time! Backstage, Rhonda tells Matt she’s super confident about her dancing abilities - and that she's in a good place, pressure-wise, to be peddling her performance wares in front of a panel of dance company people. Matt wishes her good luck and coos about how much he’ll pretend to miss her when she eventually leaves Melrose Place [after the writers decided they had no real direction for the show's sole black character and awkwardly wrote her out of the script] ... and a few seconds later, she’s called in to audition. I resisted the urge to fast forward through her audition performance, which was shown in its excruciating entirety...and when she finishes, the impressed director thanks her for coming in. Rhonda bounds backstage and excitedly tells Matt she thinks she did amaaaazing. Teresa slips backstage to congratulate her on her stupendous dancing and says she’ll surely get a callback...then ‘fesses up about how insecure she's always felt about whether or not she truly earned her spot in the dance troupe after Rhonda withdrew. Rhonda assures her she earned her spot fair and square five years ago, and that it has little to do with her cowardly inability to cope with the pressure of a mere audition. She then informs Teresa that she’s so happy living in her shitty Melrose Place apartment and earning a meager living teaching cardio funk that she’s not actually interested in being in a dance troupe anymore.
Alison meets Jake outside the GED testing place, and he happily tells her he’s pretty sure he aced the test. She tells him that while she really enjoyed flirting with him this episode, she's chalking up their kissing action to a now fulfilled high school fantasy of hooking up with “the bad boy”. He tells her he's totes kewl with that, and the two head over to Shooters for a beer.
The Melrose Place gang surprises Jake at Shooters with a free beer and an impromptu graduation celebration. Sandy tells Alison how relieved she is that she and Jake were never actually hitting the sheets, and Alison exclaims, “Of course not!”, then amuses herself by needling Sandy when she adds, “But he’s a great kisser!” Sandy’s all, “Wha-a?!” and glares after her with a WTF? expression as the scene fades to black. Haha!
Recap: The Melrose Place apartment dwellers are having a dance party in the courtyard, and Billy gets thrown in the pool as everyone congratulates him on his new gig as a freebie newspaper columnist. Jake asks what he plans on writing about, and Billy says himself, and that he hopes to experience some interesting adventures soon so he actually has something to write about...and for that dumb answer, he's shoved into the pool again. Michael arrives home from the hospital and gushes about the successful surgery he just assisted with, and the Melrose Place gang responds by throwing him into the pool. So much madcap fun!
The next morning, Michael natters at Jane about how much he wants to go camping in Yosemite...while Jane's in the bathroom, staring at a positive pregnancy test with a stricken look on her face.
Alison drops by the boutique where Jane works to shop for new clothes, and asks Jane why she seems so morose lately. Jane glumly confides that she's pregnant, then needlessly explains that she's in this predicament 'cause of the night she and Michael got carried away and started raw dogging it in the sack. She implores Alison to keep mum about her news until she gets a chance to break it to Michael.
Billy is tapping away at his computer, unable to write about anything interesting. He crumples up one piece of paper after another and tosses the wads across the room in frustration...and it remains unclear why he's printing out all of his rough drafts instead of just hitting delete on the computer.
Alison arrives home from work and finds Billy cleaning out the fridge, aka procrastinating from his writing assignment. He whines about how everything he writes is boring and stupid [not least 'cause of how boring and stupid Billy himself is] and complains about the lack of adventures he's had throughout his safe, mundane life. He ponders the notion of developing a drinking problem in order to become more interesting, then forcibly steers Alison towards the door and tells her they're going to Shooters.
Jane and Michael are out at a fancy Mexican restaurant. While swaying on the dance floor, Jane asks Michael what he thinks about them having a baby, and he's all, "What the fuck for?" and reminds her that they're currently broke and live in a shitehole apartment complex with a bunch of aimless yahoos. He says he'd prefer to procreate until after he becomes a full-on doctor, five years from now.
Billy is drinking shots and rambling nonsense to Alison. She assures him he doesn't have to become a drunkard in order to be a writer and points out that Emily Dickinson was a total recluse. A few seconds later, Jake and Matt saunter in and join them at the bar. Billy laments how everyone except him is having fun life adventures, including a stranger sitting at the end of bar who's wearing a neck brace. When the guy tells him he got the injury from bungee jumping, and that it was well worth it 'cause of how keeeeeewl bungee jumping is, Billy decides that this will need to be his first fun life adventure. He implores Jake and Matt to bungee with him, and they decide that since the writers gave them nothing better to do this episode, why the hell not?
Over dinner, Michael tells Jane he wants to wait to have kids until they've both developed their careers more, then reminds her that she once aspired to be a clothing designer. Jane stares despondently into space and agrees that now's not the time to have kids. Michael perks up and suggests they get a dog - but Jane quickly nixes that idea, then excuses herself to go to the ladies room and sob into the toilet.
The next morning, Alison runs into Jane and asks her how Michael took the baby news, and Jane sheepishly says she chickened out so that she can spend more time wistfully deciding how to deal with the sitch alone...before sorting through the drama of the inevitable miscommunication mishap when Michael accidentally hears the news from someone else.
Michael and Jake are ambling down the street together, and Michael is grumbling to Jake about how annoying Jane is, bugging him to have kids. He says that all the guys in his intern program who have kids also have shitty marriages...and he's determined to remain committed to Jane [until such time as he starts extra-maritally doinking fellow doctor Kimberly Shaw]. Billy pulls up in his cab to say hey and invite Michael to come along on the bungee jumping adventure, but Michael declines and says he's too busy at the hospital.
Rhonda is cooking a healthy fish dinner and lectures junk food addict Sandy about the benefits of a healthy diet. Jane drops by to get feedback on two Mancini originals [aka, shapeless looking sack dresses] she finally got around to finishing. Rhonda and Sandy gamely agree to try on the frump-wear...then do their best to not laugh out loud at the unspeakable fugliness of what they just put on. When Jane looks suitably mortified about her terrible clothing design skills, Rhonda asks her if she'd like to stay for dinner and holds up the fish...and Jane mutters, "Oh God.." and runs to the bathroom to throw up. Sandy asks her if she's, by any chance, pregnant, and Jane admits she is - but implores them to keep quiet about it until she can bring herself to tell Michael.
Billy has a dream that he's a small boy standing on a high diving board while his parents egg him on to jump. He takes a leap...then shrieks and wakes up in a cold sweat. Alison bounds over to see whassup, then says he's probably so angst-ridden 'cause of his impending bungee jump. She asks him what he has to prove, so he tells her he's lived his life "too safe" and wants to starting taking risks. Alison looks unimpressed and warns him to not be reckless and stupid.
The next morning, Matt, Jake, and Billy excitedly head off to Bungee Jump Bridge.
Jane tells Alison she's decided to not have the baby, nor does she plan on telling Michael 'cause she doesn't want him feeling pressured to raise a baby he doesn't truly want. She says she made an appointment at the abortion clinic and asks Alison if she would please come with her...and Alison agrees, but advises her to include Michael in these baby/not baby decisions.
Sandy and Rhonda are gabbling excitedly about Jane's bun in the oven when they run into a grim-faced Alison and Jane, who inform them that they're off to the abortion clinic. LOL. That scene probably shouldn't have made me involuntarily laugh.
At the clinic, the doctor confirms that Jane is six weeks pregnant and implores her to talk to her husband before going ahead with something she might regret. Jane breezily tells her it's fine and stupidly adds, "Every marriage has its secrets" ... and the doctor stares back at her with a mixture of bewilderment and incredulity.
Jake and Matt have leaped off of Bungee Jump bridge and wax on and on about how super awesome the experience was. Billy looks freaked out when the bungee experts start strapping him in...and when he has a flashback of his high-diving dream, he decides he can't go through with this bungee jumping adventure after all.
Alison and Sandy are in the waiting room of the clinic, waiting for Jane to wrap up her appointment. Sandy confides to Alison that she once had an abortion when she was sixteen, then tells her the sordid story about how she entered a beauty pageant, got boned by the son of one of the judges in the hopes that she'd score well, then realized how stupid it was to not consider using birth control when she had to drive for hours to get to the nearest abortion clinic trailer. She contorts her face into a tortured expression and says, "It was a haaaad thang, but I know I chose raaaht" and tells Alison she's the first L.A. friend she's needlessly burdened with this horrible story.
Rhonda drops off some healthy food for Michael and asks him how Jane's doing after aborting their spawn, and Michael scrunches his face confusedly and is all, "Wuh? Spawn aborting?" Rhonda quickly realizes he clearly has no idea what she's talking about, chirps, "Never mind!" and beats a hasty retreat. LOL.
Jake and Matt make their triumphant return to Melrose Place after the bungee jump, while Billy slinks behind them, shamefaced. He defends his cowardice by stating that he has "a yen for self preservation", then self-importantly announces that he has a column to write.
When Jane arrives home, Michael asks her what-the-fuck-issup with her telling a peripheral castmate like Rhonda about her pregnancy/abortion while not bothering to clue him in. Jane weakly insists she tried to tell him, but decided it was a bad idea after he came right out and said he didn't want a baby right now. Michael admonishes her for making the choice to abort their spawn while keeping him totally in the dark, and Jane informs him that she didn't actually go through with it 'cause she suddenly realized she does want a baby. Michael gets exasperated and says she can't keep giant secrets like this in a marriage, and is irked that everyone in Melrose Place already knows about this. He then storms out of the apartment, continues his tirade in the courtyard so that everyone can listen in on their very personal bidness, and stomps off in the direction of Shooters.
The Melrose Place menfolk chase after Michael, concur that women can't be trusted, and decide to continue this discussion over beers.
Rhonda apologizes to Jane for opening her big fat mouth, but Jane says it's not her fault 'cause she should have told Michael about this earlier. Well duh, but Rhonda should still have kept her big fat mouth shut. Jane moans about how afraid she is that Michael will consider this a betrayal and write her off.
At Shooters, Michael rails about how bizarre life is now that he and Jane are suddenly expecting a baby. The other guys are like, "Wuh? Baby?" and raise their beer bottles in a toast, then urge him to go home and smooth things over with his pixie-hairdoed wife.
Michael finds Jane laying in bed, staring sadly into space. He sits next to her and assures her that since the baby's on its way he really does want the little gaffer...and she apologizes for keeping the news from him, then says it all just came as a shock to her. She asks him what will become of the plans they made, and Michael says, "Plans are made to be broken." Jane grins and gushes about what a great dad he's going to be.
Billy reads aloud his column to Alison: a giant yawn about what a wuss he was to not go through with the bungee jump. Alison nods approvingly and says she looooves his first installment, then asks what he plans to write about next. Billy says he'll think about that over the course of the next week...then starts tapping away on his keyboard, writing about a young friend who's surviving the hardships of meeting fatherhood for the first time. Yawn.
Recap: Jake is working on his motorcycle when Michael snarks that he's getting oil stains all over the courtyard tiles...then reminds him to pay his rent already 'cause Mr. Kay (the landlord) is getting on his case about chronic non-payments from deadbeat tenants. Jake counter-snarks that Mr. Kay could always talk to him directly, then whines about how hard he's been busting his ass looking for work in a construction industry that's dead in L.A...as if his income problems are, in any way, Mr. Kay's problem. Jake stares moodily into space for a few seconds, then promises Michael he'll put find gainful employment on this episode's to-do list.
Over at D&D, Alison flirts with Rick (a dorky mailroom flunky) when he brings her a morning donut.
Jake lumbers into a coffee shop and tells the manager he's responding to the help wanted sign out front. The manager tells him he likes the cut of his jib, but hopes to hell he's not an aspiring actor, so Jake assures him he has no ambition towards breaking into showbiz (or pursuing any other type of meaningful work) and that he's pretty sure he can handle the cappuccino machine. The manager tosses him an apron and tells him to get started...and I assume will deal with filling out all the necessary HR paperwork off-camera.
Alison and Rick are eating lunch outside when Lucy Cabot, one of D&D's high powered executives, walks by. Alison says she admires the woman's confidence and wonders if in ten years she'll be as successful and self-assured. Rick confesses that he knows Lucy and that he's the son of Joe Danworth of the Danworth Sunscreen Company, one of D&D's biggest accounts. Alison stares back at him and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?", so Rick says he has to work very hard to prove to everyone that he's more than just a dumb rich kid...even though he quickly proves himself to be just a dumb rich kid - with a side of dickish to boot. He invites Alison out for dinner tonight, and she blushingly accepts.
The coffee shop manager admonishes Jake for his shitty cappuccino making skills...but Jake's like, "I don't really give a shit what you think, when's break time?" and the manager tells him to forget about any break taking 'cause they're too busy. Jake's next customer is a perky, short-haired brunette who looks at him in surprise and exclaims, "Jake..?!" and he chirps, "Perry!" and steps out from behind the counter to give her a hello hug. The manager snarks at Jake for falling behind on his orders, and Jake says he's taking a coffee break whether he likes it or not, then steers Perry outside so they can get caught up.
Jake and Perry mill around his motorcycle that's parked just outside the coffee shop, and Perry saucily reminds him about the time they doinked atop his motorcycle seat in the desert. She tells him she's now working as an art dealer despite knowing fuck-all about art...and has a foolproof scam going that could make them both a lot of cash. Jake says he's no longer into shady moneymaking schemes - but she insists it's totes legit, then writes her phone number on his arm and coos, "Call me."
Rhonda returns home, collects her mail, and whines to Matt about all the bills that keep showing up in her mailbox. Matt growls, "Spare me" and tells her that the halfway house where he works just got more funding cuts, and he had no choice but to let the cook go. Rhonda offers to cook dinner for the halfway housers tomorrow night, and Matt perks up and happily accepts. Sandy appears carrying a short black dress and tells the two she's lending Alison her best "come and get me" dress for her evening out with Rick.
Alison, Sandy, and Rhonda are cackling over Alison's impending date with Rick...and a newly showered Billy decides he wants in on that action and enters Alison's bedroom with just a towel around his waist. When Rick arrives at the apartment a few seconds later, Billy makes a beeline over to the front door so he can engage in the most awkward interaction possible. He tells Rick he's Alison's close but platonic roommate, then starts peppering him with questions about where they'll be spending their date. Before Rick can answer, Alison rushes to the door and hustles him away from the apartment.
Over dinner, Rick tells Alison he loves the advertising business, and Alison says she enjoys anything creative and has lots of ideas for the upcoming sunscreen campaign. One of her concepts is 'it's hotter than a burn' and Rick looks impressed and says it's definitely something his father should hear during the next pitch meeting. After dinner, the two return to Melrose Place, hand in hand...and when they start smooching in the courtyard, Billy creepily peeps at them through the window.
Rhonda is doing aerobics by the pool when Matt exits his apartment to head off to work. He reminds Rhonda that dinner at the halfway house is at 5pm, and that he'll see her there later.
Perry knocks on Jake's apartment door and is told by Sandy that he's out and probably won't be home for awhaaale. Perry leaves her with a message to tell Jake she stopped by, and Sandy mutters bitch under her breath 'cause she's catty and immature.
At D&D, Alison introduces herself to Lucy and gushes about how excited she is about the sunscreen account...and Lucy's like, "Who are you, and why are you talking to me?" and tells her to hold her calls until her morning conference call is over. LOL.
Rhonda stops by the halfway house to break it to Matt that she's going to have to bail on helping out with dinner 'cause she forgot she has to fill in for a cardio-funk class at her exercise studio. Matt makes it clear he's very pissed off, not least 'cause he just bought all the ingredients for her special curry chicken recipe. Rhonda tries to sheepishly apologize, but he turns his back and poutishly stalks off.
Alison overhears Rick passing off her 'it's hotter than a burn' idea to Lucy Cabot as if it's his own, and Lucy squeals about how much she loooooves that concept. Once Lucy's out of earshot, Alison calls Rick "a leech" and admonishes him for peddling her ideas without giving her any of the credit. Rick pretends he may have gotten the idea from watching MTV, but Alison doesn't accept that weak lie and snarls, "You used me." She marches straight to Lucy's office and tattles on Rick's idea thieving, and Lucy stares at her with a look of incredulous disdain and says she's really going to need to grow a pair if she wants to remain employed in the advertising industry.
Alison clears out her desk, looks around the D&D lobby as if it's the last time she's ever going to see it, then storms out.
Jake's new boss bitches at him for putting decaf in the cappuccino, so Jake decides he's had enough and snaps, "I quit!" He heads over to the nearest pay phone, calls Perry, and says he's ready to get tangled up into whatever money scheme she's been cooking up.
Jake drops by the gallery where Perry works...and she shows him around and tells him she's made a ton of money for the gallery selling expensive paintings. After that, she explains her side hustle: misleading dumb rich people - specifically some guy named Phil - about the value of art from "hot new artists" who either don't exist, or are random people who aren't hot, new, or artists. She points out that while it's highly unethical, it's not technically illegal...then smears green paint on Jake's white shirt before the two start going at it.
Rhonda apologizes to Matt for letting him down, but he continues to pout and chides her for being such a self-absorbed assbag. Rhonda acknowledges that she's no "expert on following through", then snaps, "We can't all be saints." Ugh. Who in the hell thought these two dullards would make interesting Melrose Place characters??
A depressed Alison is laying in bed, eating ice cream and grumbling about what a jerk Rick is. Billy tells her to not let the dork steal her career...and when Alison moans about how much she hates playing "the game", Billy wryly says it's pretty much like that in every workplace. He urges her to get out of bed and show D&D the kind of person she is: a thin-skinned tattletale with a flair for the dramatic.
Alison brings her boxful of things back to her reception desk at D&D, and Lucy ambles over as she's unpacking her stuff and says they weren't sure she'd be coming back. Alison says she's determined to prove herself as an advertising exec wannabe...plus, the writers are being careful to avoid anything too derivative of Jake's current 'I'm unemployed and can't afford the rent' subplot. Lucy says she feels bad about her disgruntlement and invites her to attend tomorrow's sunscreen meeting and deliver her pitch directly to Joe Danworth. LOL...as if.
Perry hosts a party to unveil the painting of the "hot new artist" she just plucked out of obscurity. She introduces Jake to Phil, a Native American dude who seems to enjoy baring his hairless chest on evenings out, before unveiling the splattered mess she's passing off as a Jake Hanson original.
Rick drops by the conference room where Alison is watching sunscreen commercial footage. She shoots him a haughty glare and tells him she's not the same naive dimwit as she was at the beginning of the episode, who didn't know how to "play the game" and get ahead any way she could. She declares herself "a real player" now - LOL...the fuck? - and says she's grown up a lot in the last 24 hours. She snidely asks him what bright ideas he has for tomorrow's pitch meeting...and he slyly goes, "You first", but when Alison refuses, a dismayed Rick says he figured they'd work on "their" ideas together. Alison refuses to share her catchphrases and heads home.
Jake finds Perry snorting coke and disdainfully mutters, "Same old Perry." Perry somehow finds this amusing and offers him a snort, but he barks back that he doesn't do that shit anymore and smacks the plate of coke out of her hand, sending the white powder flying. When Perry gets irked at the wasted coke, Jake declares he's no long willing to "sink this low", then storms out and tells Phil that both he and the ugly splatter painting are fakes. He then loudly declares to the partygoers that he's getting as far away from his life as possible, and they're all, "Er, OK..?"
Matt complains to Alison that the latest funding cuts to the halfway house means he now has to do the work of five people. Alison's like, "You think you've got problems?" and laments about how hard it is for her to have to adopt a "take no prisoners" attitude to get ahead in the advertising biz.
Alison pitches her sunscreen advertising concept to Joe Danforth - 'I feel protected around you' - and he looks very impressed by the catchphrase and asks Rick if he has anything as good to pitch. Rick says he opted for a before/after approach...and the before graphic features a cartoon woman with skin cancer eating away her face. As Joe stares at Rick and is all, "WTF, son?", Alison slips Rick a piece of paper with her notes scrawled on it and "reminds" him about the idea he had come up with earlier: 'color yourself healthy and tan'. Rick sheepishly thanks her for the unconvincing rescue.
Rhonda is teaching cardio-funk with a lot of energetic woo hoos! and break it downs! Matt lumbers into the exercise studio wearing a t-shirt and workout shorts, admits to being self-absorbed about his fuuuuucking depressing halfway house job, and says he'd rather not continue pouting and be at odds with best friend. The two hug it out, and Rhonda resumes cardio-funking...and - no surprise - we learn that Matt has really bad rhythm.
Lucy compliments Alison's great ideas, then says she realizes that the 'color yourself healthy and tan' was her idea, not Rick's. Well, duh. She compliments Alison's integrity and predicts that she's really going to go places at D&D.
Jake lumbers into Shooters and runs into Sandy, who clucks, "Another sleepless naaht, darlin'?" and Jake snaps at her to shut it with her obnoxious southern belle bullcack and play a game of pool with him. He tells her that his past just tried to tempt him into doing something shady - but he's firmly decided to throw away all of his bad memories and start fresh. And by start fresh, he means he's selling his motorcycle 'cause he's still out of work and has to come up with rent money so he won't get thrown out on the street.
Jake brings his motorcycle to a shop and tells the owner it's for sale...and the shop owner looks so impressed by how well the motorcycle has been cobbled together that he declares the person responsible an artist, and that he'd hire this person on the spot as a mechanic. Jake perks up and eagerly asks, "When do I start?"
Rhonda, Alison, and Sandy make a surprise visit to the halfway house while cheesily singing 'I'll be there' ... then announce that they're there to help prepare dinner for the halfway housers. Alison and Matt agree that a "take no prisoners" attitude is no way to live...and then the four try really really hard to look as if they're having a blast cooking up and serving Rhonda's curry chicken.
Recap: Billy is hard at work on his computer, writing a shitastic screenplay, when Alison enters the kitchen and reminds him it's a week day and that he was supposed to pick up his cab an hour ago. Billy tells her he can't seem to pull himself away from his writing and is somehow under the illusion that he's going to sell his script and make a ton of money as L.A.'s hottest new screenplay writer. LOL. Alison heads off to work and passes Jane as she clingingly canoodles Michael while he cleans the pool. Jane gives Michael a big smooch, reminds him that they have plans tonight to celebrate their three month anniversary of living in L.A., and gives him strict orders to save his penile energy for what she's hoping will be a long, post-dinner doinkfest.
Sandy ambles into Melrose Place's (dungeon-like) laundry room to flirtily banter with Jake in her usual sultry southern belle manner. She notices that he's washing his sheets and asks him if he has a romantic naaht planned with his teenage girlfriend, and he weakly insists that he and Kelly are just platonic friends. He then scrunches his chiseled face concernedly and says he's going to have to find a way to make it crystal clear to the persistent teenager that their hookup is never going to evolve into anything past first base.
Over in the 90210, David and Steve warn Kelly that if she continues to date Jake, he's going to break her heart. Kelly thanks them for their concern, but stubbornly insists that she knows what she's doing.
Michael calls Jane at work to tell her he just learned he's going to be on call at the hospital all night. He promises to be home by midnight, and Jane stares unhappily into space as the two exchange I love yous.
Billy drops by D&D to excitedly tell Alison he finished his screenplay, then had a dozen or so copies of the thing printed off so he can send it to every agent in town. He tells Alison he'd really like it if she could read all 120 pages and offer her feedback later today, and Alison's all, "The fuck? I don't have time to do that!" Billy pretends as though he didn't hear that, then beams and says he finally feels like a real writer.
Jane tells Sandy that her romantic evening with Michael is off 'cause he's going to be on call at the hospital. Sandy warns Jane about letting "lahf pass you baah" and double-dog-dares her to prove that she's an independent woman by going out for a night of clubbing without the ol' ball and chain.
Jane shows up at the hospital carrying a cardboard tray filled with takeout food and three candles: one for each month they've been living in L.A. Seems like an odd, somewhat superfluous choice for an anniversary to celebrate, but OK. Michael looks happy to see her and introduces her to his doctor colleagues...but a few minutes later his pager goes off and he tells Jane he has to rush off to do some pre-op for a surgery. He urges her to go out tonight and have some fun with her gal pals.
Jane decides 'why the hell not enjoy a night out on the town?' and squeezes herself into a skin tight, short black dress and goes to Shooters with Rhonda. The two ogle all the cute men in their orbit like they've never seen the inside of a bar before, and are girlishly cackling to each other when Sandy sashays over. She purrs, "Looks lahk you bagged yoself a taah-get" and motions over at two men, one of whom is a young Nestor Carbonell from Lost. Mmm...Nestor. Jane looks positively giddy at the thought of being checked out by complete strangers in a bar...and discreetly slips off her wedding ring after Sandy points out that she'll never know for sure how hot the men think she is if they know she's a married woman.
Alison runs into Matt on the way to her apartment. She tells him she just finished reading Billy's screenplay, and that it's an even worse piece of crap than she assumed it'd be. Matt advises her to tell Billy the truth - but to soften the blow by making him a nice dinner.
Rhonda and Jane are sitting with Nestor and his mulleted friend Peter, and the two men are nattering to the ladies about their rock band...which, LOL, I'm totally sure exists. Peter tells Jane she's smokin' hot and asks what her story is - for example, does she have a boyfriend? - and Jane carefully replies, "Technically speaking, not really" and Rhonda shoots her a damn gurrrrrl! look of astonishment from across the table.
Billy happily chirps, "Lucy! I'm home!" when he returns to the apartment after work. He grumbles about his bitchy cab passengers and says he's looking forward to putting that shitty job behind him once he sells his screenplay and becomes a major player in the entertainment biz. LOL. Alison tells him she read the whole thing, and that she made him a casserole for dinner so the two of them could have something to chew on while she gives him her brutally honest opinion of his writing...and Billy translates this to mean it's her way of congratulating him for a job well done. He giddily hugs her and thanks her for "the validation", and Alison winces while staring helplessly into space.
Jake and Kelly are shopping for groceries, and Kelly slips into her little girl voice and tells Jake how kewl it is that they're out shopping together to buy all the stuff they need in order to whip up a romantic dinner for two in his apartment. Jake grunts something unintelligible, then looks annoyed when the groceries cost him the last bit of money he has in his wallet.
After a game of pinball, Peter suggests that they all head over to a happening dance club. When Jane declines and says she should probably get home, Rhonda pulls her aside and begs her to pleeeeease come, 'cause she's really diggin' Nestor and doesn't want the partying to end. Jane agrees to go to the happening dance club, but stipulates that she has to be home by midnight.
Over tuna casserole, Billy asks Alison for her honest opinion of his screenplay, and Alison blurts out, "I hated it" and elaborates on how she hated every single thing about the wretched script. Billy gets pissy and says he regrets giving her a copy, so Alison throws him a bone and says that while reading the horrific thing she may have detected a glimmer of talent. Billy snarls that she has no taste, much like her lousy casserole, then accuses her of being jealous of his passion for writing and not wanting to see him succeed. Alison argues that clearly he has trouble accepting criticism, and Billy's all, "Hmph!" and storms out of the apartment.
After some bopping to the '90s beat at the happening dance club, Peter and Jane head back to their table. When he leans in for a kiss, she snaps, "Don't!" and confesses that she's married. Peter chuckles and says he's not buying it 'cause she's not wearing a wedding ring...and Jane reaches for her purse and rifles through it, suddenly looks panicked, then moans, "Oh God.."
Kelly gets all smoochy with Jake while he's cooking dinner, and he half-heartedly fends her off and says he'd rather they didn't start something he can't finish. Kelly responds by smothering him with even more kisses until the phone rings, and Jake shoves her away to run into the other room to answer it. He covertly tells whoever's on the other end, "That's OK...just don't be any later than 10:30pm." Subtle, Jake.
Alison finds Billy sulking at the bar at Shooters. He asks her if his screenplay was really that bad, and she confirms that, yep, it was the most cliche ridden, uninspiring piece of dreck she's ever had the misfortune to read...and didn't want to expend a single ounce of energy lying to him about how hard it sucked. Billy glumly says he had been so proud of himself for actually completing a writing project, then wonders if he's been fooling himself by thinking he could make it in life as a writer (um, yes..?). Alison points out that this was only his first attempt, and that most writers deal with years of rejection before they get published. She urges him to keep trying and to believe in himself, and he seems reasonably satisfied with those platitudes.
Kelly puts on some romantic music and seats herself on Jake's couch...and a few seconds later, Jake turns the lights back on, shuts off the stereo, and tells her he's utterly, totally, completely ass-backwards wrong for her. Kelly dismisses that notion and insists that she understands him more than he realizes and would like to show him how supportive she can be. They're interrupted by a knock on the door...and when Jake answers it, a leggy brunette named Margot strides in, calls Jake honey, and apologizes for being late. She glances over at Kelly and asks whaddup with the teenage blonde on his couch, and Jake breezily tells her that they just had some dinner. Margot gets fake miffed and chides Jake for not giving a damn that he's two timing her, snaps, "You're not worth the grief!" and storms out. Jake runs out after her and tells her she did a great acting job in there, but laments looking like a heartless jerk to Kelly. Margot nods and says, "It needed doing" and Jake concurs, thanks her, and tells her he owes her one. He then heads back inside, where a tearful Kelly asks him why he'd be so dickish as to invite a woman over while she was hanging out, and Jake shoots her a stony glare and woodenly replies, "Because I feel nothing for you." Kelly decides she's done making guest appearances on this spin-off, not least 'cause there's a love triangle with Dylan and Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210 she needs to start fomenting. She croaks, "For what it's worth, I loved you" and scurries out the door.
Jane is crawling on the floor of the dance club - not the wisest idea considering her short black dress - looking for her wedding band, while Peter scrunches his face in annoyance. When the search turns out to be fruitless, the foursome returns to Melrose Place to end the evening. Rhonda tells Jane she feels bad that she lost her ring, and Jane's like, "Ah well, whaddya gonna do?" and rightly admits that no one held a gun to her head and forced her to go out partying and slip off her wedding ring to fool strange men into thinking she was single. As Rhonda kisses Nestor goodbye, Jane tells Peter that she's going to 'fess up to her husband and tell him her version of the truth: that she thought she was missing out on something, even though everything she's ever wanted was here all along...and, oops, in the process, lost the heirloom ring he gave her on their wedding day. She tells Peter he's a nice guy and shakes his hand goodbye, and he seems satisfied with that and shuffles off.
Michael is waiting up for Jane, and she sheepishly apologizes for being late and solemnly tells him she did something crazy. He puts a hand over her mouth, gives her a big smooch, and steers her over to the bedroom for a belated three months in L.A. anniversary doink.
Billy is burning his screenplay in the barbecue and tells Alison he's happy he got his first flop under his belt, and that from now on he's going to write about stuff he knows. Like how a boneheaded Californian with permanently disheveled hair thought he had the brainpower to become even a mediocre screenplay writer.
Sandy is playing pool at Shooters when Jake drops by. He tells her he broke things off with Kelly in the most asshole-ish way possible, and that he feels bad for breaking her heart. Sandy tells him his regret is a clear sign that he has a heart, then purrs, "You should be used to it bah naah" and assures him he did the right thing by cutting the infatuated teenager loose. One of her co-workers, who's sweeping up the bar, tells Sandy he just found something interesting, and Sandy sees that the interesting thing is Jane's missing wedding ring.
Michael and Jane are basking in the afterglow of their post-doink canoodling, waxing on about the amaaaaazing sex they just had. She's about to confess losing her wedding ring when Sandy knocks on the door. She tells Jane she found her ring...and when Michael appears behind her and is all, "Wha-a-a? You lost your wedding ring?", Sandy says she found it in the laundry room. The two thank her and get back to their canoodling, and Sandy wanders back across the courtyard. She runs into Jake, who's sitting on the steps leading up to her apartment, and he tells her that she too has a heart...and the episode ends with the two of them staring longingly at each other.
Recap: Alison complains to Billy that he made the morning coffee too strong, then bitches at him for rummaging through her newspaper before she got a chance to read it. He tells her he really just needs the classifieds now that whoever hired him at the Arthur Murray dance studio realized he has zero rhythm or even minimal dancing abilities. Alison moans about how worried she is that Hal Barber is going to get her fired, so Billy suggests she preemptively scare him by threatening legal action about his blatant sexual harassment.
Jake gets enraged when the hot water in his shower suddenly turns ice cold. He storms over to Michael's apartment with just a towel wrapped around his buff wet bod - mmm hmm - and gets all in Michael's face about how he's been complaining for a month about the shitty plumbing. Michael tells him to chillax, just as the other Melrose Place residents are gathering 'round to enjoy the spectacle of a half naked Jake getting himself all worked up. Jane appears in the doorway and promises Jake that they'll take care of it, and Michael agrees to finally get off his ass and call a plumber. As Jake storms back toward his apartment, Sandy appears on the stairwell wearing baby doll pajamas and cooingly asks Jake what's wrong. When he snarks that he's out of work and has to head over to the unemployment office, she seductively purrs, "Yule land on yo feeeet" and offers to buy him a beer at Shooters tonight.
Jane tells Michael she had a dream about the night they first met, then dreamily babbles about the exact moment she knew she was in love with him. She asks him to describe the moment he first fell in love with her, but he just stares blankly into space and says he can't think straight 'cause he had a long night at the hospital. LOL.
Alison arrives at D&D and finds Hal Barber standing beside her reception desk, staring at her expectantly. She summons her courage and tells him she's considered her options regarding his sexual harassment last night and has decided she's A-OK with losing her job if that's what it will take to bring a creep like him to justice. Hal shrugs and says they merely went on a date that didn't end in the sack, however hard he tried, then breezily says, "Do what you want to do" and saunters up to his office. A few seconds later, a female employee dishes to Alison that a woman in the Payroll Department just filed a complaint against Hal for sexual harassment...and Alison lets out a sigh of relief that this tedious subplot will get resolved by some nameless D&D employee off camera. Someone informs Alison that her cab is here, and she's all, "Wuh? Cab?" then goes outside to investigate. She finds an excited looking Billy standing next to a yellow cab, and he tells her he just landed a job as a cab driver. He says he'd like to celebrate his new career this weekend, and she suggests they paint the apartment together. Billy gamely says he's in, then asks her how things went with Hal, and she happily reports that the problem magically worked itself out.
At Shooters, Sandy shows her boss a stack of head shots she had taken for her actress wannabe portfolio, but her boss frowns disapprovingly and says the photographs look nothing like her and show off too much cleavage. Plus, it's doubtful that if she doesn't happen to land a role as a mint-julep-tea-sipping southern belle she'd be able to demonstrate much range as an actress. Kelly appears at the bar, admires the head shots, and tells Sandy she dropped by to meet Jake for lunch and tell him that her mom just had a baby girl. Sandy purringly informs her that she can probably find Jake at the unemployment office.
After sitting in the unemployment office's waiting room for a couple of hours, Jake is finally called to the window...but is told he filled out his forms incorrectly and has to resubmit them and then wait around some more.
Billy picks up a '90s perm sporting passenger named Marcy, then starts prattling about how no one who lives in L.A. is originally from L.A. Marcy seems intrigued by his inane chit-chat and moves to the front passenger seat of the cab so she can fawn over him at a closer range. She gushes about how much he looks like Bruce Springsteen (mmm...nope), and then the two realize they once attended the same Springsteen concert and sat two rows apart! Squeal! Billy asks her if she'd like to go out for Italian, and she eagerly accepts.
Jake is getting increasingly annoyed by the endless wait to submit his forms, and gets into a physical altercation with one of the unemployment office clerks - just as Kelly arrives. He's quickly subdued by security, then gets arrested for creating a public disturbance.
Kelly heads straight over to the police station and tries to use her credit card to bail Jake out, but is told it's maxed out. She looks shocked, but also a tad turned on, when the police officer informs her that Jake is a stereotypically misunderstood bad boy who has multiple arrests on his record.
Billy brings Marcy home with him, and the two roll around on the couch, kissing intensely. Alison arrives home with a bag of paint supplies and looks put out that Billy brought a woman home on Paint Night, and Billy and Marcy quickly remove themselves from her haughty glare by scampering to his bedroom.
Alison preps the walls to be painted, but gets so distracted by the giggling coming from Billy's room that she stands in front of the door so she can brazenly eavesdrop. When Billy emerges from his room to use the bathroom, Alison snarkishly tells him he's moving a little fast with a woman he just met, then stammers, "Are you going to...going to..?" and Billy assumes she's trying to ask him if he's planning on raw dogging it or wearing a condom. Alison denies she was thinking of anything sex-related and whines, "I though we were going to paint the apartment" and Billy tells her he's free to paint all day tomorrow.
The next morning, Marcy basks in afterglow while Billy pretends to Alison that he and Marcy just spent the night talking. Marcy tells Billy he was fantaaaaastic last night, then asks him to guess what she does for a living. When Alison cheekily guesses astronaut (ha!) Marcy giddily reveals that she's a dental student, which seems like a pretty mundane career choice to invite people to guess at.
Jake is being released on bail when Kelly arrives at the police station and explains that she had to wait until the bank opened before she could withdraw his bail money. Jake snaps, "You bailed me out?" then says he's no good for her, them being from different parts of L.A. - I means worlds and all. He says he'll pay her back as soon as he can, then storms off...leaving Kelly bleating, "Jaaaaake! Don't do this!"
Marcy is lighting candles throughout the apartment when Alison arrives home and scrunches her face in a pained expression of disapproval. Marcy tells her that Billy went to the grocery store to pick up food for their dinner, then obliviously gushes on and on about how awesome their new romance is. She asks Alison to dish about everything she knows about Billy, and Alison says she can't dish much 'cause she's only been roommates with him for a week. Marcy says she's surprised by that 'cause of how protective she seems of him. Billy returns home with a bag of groceries, and Marcy smothers him with smooches and suggests they work up an appetite in his bedroom. Ew.
Jane continues to pout about Michael not remembering the precise millisecond he fell in love with her, and tells him she's worried it's symptomatic of a larger problem: that the romance in their dull-as-fuck marriage is deadsville. Alison barges in to complain about the speed at which Marcy's and Billy's romance has progressed, and Jane says maybe it's love at first sight, then asks her if she's jealous. Alison insists she's not jealous - but rather that she feels left out in her own apartment. She asks if she can stay at their place for the night...and when they're like, "Uh, sure..?" Alison tells them it's sooooo nice being around a married couple who "have it so together".
On Saturday, the Melrose gang decides to have a poolside barbecue. Marcy tells Matt she looooves that the apartment complex is like a family...and Steve Sanders shows up as Sandy's underage date so the two can continue chatting about her long shot dream of stardom. He invites her to attend a party at the Beverly Hills Beach Club with him and his dork friends, and Sandy contorts her face into an ew expression and disdainfully replies, "A haa school paaaty?" Before he can respond with, "Well, d'yuh", Marcy bounds over and introduces herself as Billy's new girlfriend, then corrects herself and says it's actually more accurate to overshare to complete strangers by referring to herself as his lover. Sandy ambles over to Jake and says she didn't get a chance to buy him that beer at Shooters, and he grunts, "I've been busy" and moodily stalks off. Marcy continues to overshare about the orgasmic doinkings she's been getting from Billy for the last two days, and Billy overhears and stares bewilderedly into space. He heads over to the barbecue to relieve Alison from grilling duty, and tells her that this thing is Marcy is going too fast. Alison concurs that she's very aggressive and has put his entire sex life on display, which has been pretty blechy for anyone within earshot. Billy then stares blankly into space and hallucinates that Dr. Ruth Westheimer is counselling an oversexed talk-a-holic Marcy, who gabbles endlessly about how awesome Billy is in bed and satisfies her like no other.
That evening, Jake arrives home and finds Michael working on a pipe (or something)...but then he quickly throws his tool down and admits that since he's a doctor not a plumber, he has no idea what the hell he's doing. Jake apologizes for his outburst the other day and admits he often has trouble containing his bad boy anger issues. Michael reminds him he has lots of friends at Melrose and shouldn't be shy about asking for help...and a few seconds later, Jane appears in the doorway of their apartment, bitchily says good night to Michael, then goes back inside.
When Marcy shows no signs of wanting to leave Billy's apartment, Billy asks her if she shouldn't head home and study for her upcoming dental exam, and Marcy's like, "Noooo, it's still the weekend" (well...Sunday night) and that she'd much prefer to stay over at his place uninvited. Billy says he'd really like to work on his writing this evening, and she's like, "Go ahead!" and says she won't utter a peep while staring at him adoringly. She then declares, "I think I love you" and pretends to not hear the audible groan that involuntarily escapes Billy's mouth.
The next morning, Alison tells Billy she's annoyed about Marcy staying over at their place all the time, and Billy's like, "Right?" and says that last night she declared her love for him. He says the only thing resembling emotion he feels for her is a mild case of lust, and Alison's like, "Gross! I don't want to hear that!" - just as Marcy calls out to Billy from the bathroom to tell him she needs a towel.
Donna, David, and Kelly are about to leave Kelly's house to visit Jackie and baby Erin in the hospital. Jake rides up on his motorcycle to pay back some of the bail money Kelly loaned him - but she angrily throws the money back at him, growls, "Keep it!", and says she was merely trying to be a friend when she posted his bail.
Jake is sitting at the bar in Shooters, glumly drinking a beer when Billy joins him to complain about the Marcy Situation. He says he's resorted to avoiding his clingy new girlfriend, but Jake doesn't recommend that approach and advises him to come up with a more long lasting solution. He then moans about being pigeon-holed on Melrose Place as a macho, leather jacket wearing bad boy who's always putting up a false front, and regrets that he hasn't been more straightforward with the people in his life. He urges Billy to just come right out and tell Marcy she's suffocating him, and Billy's like, "Will do" and heads out to end the short-lived relationship before the end credits start rolling. Jake asks Sandy if she's up for a meaningless romp, but she poutishly declines and says she has no desire to be sloppy seconds to a teenage bimbo he keeps giving mixed messages to.
Marcy races across the Melrose Place courtyard and exuberantly hugs Billy, and he grimaces and says, "We have to talk." Marcy senses nothing amiss with those four ominous words and gabbles about how nothing like this has ever happened to her before - and he gets impatient and tells her to shut it 'cause she's been coming on waaaaay too strong, and can't possibly be in love with him after knowing him only two days. Marcy says she's just been honest about her feelings and insists that it is love. Billy tells her he doesn't feel the same way, and Marcy looks shame-faced and says this always happens to her, then moans, "Why do I dooooo this?" She apologizes to Billy for all of the clinging and oversharing and says she should probably get home and study and never again be seen on Melrose Place. Phew. I guess that's the end of that.
To placate Jane, Michael tells her he knows he's in love with her every moment of every day, but that he constantly fears losing her...and Jane looks impressed with the odd declaration of his love/insecurity and leaps into his lap and gives him a giant smooch.
Jake returns to Kelly's house and apologizes for treating her so shabbily during these first two spin-off episodes. He says that while he can't promise her anything in the romance department, he doesn't want to lose her friendship...then asks her if she'd like to ride down to the beach with him. She eagerly accepts, and the two ride off on his motorcycle together.
As Billy and Alison paint their apartment, he tells her he broke things off with Marcy 'cause of how much in a hurry she was to be in a relationship. Alison pretends to be sorry to hear that and tells him he should always feel comfortable talking to her about stuff like this. He exclaims, "What a weekend!" and the two giggle together and look like they're about to bond hard over the shared chore of painting their apartment walls.