Recap: After motorcycling all night, Jake stops at a gas station to fuel up. He heads over to a nearby pay phone and dials Jo's number - but she's unable to rush out of the shower in time to answer...and so Jake assumes she's not home and hangs up. A few seconds later, Amanda drops by Jo's apartment looking for Jake, and Jo tells her he's not here...and explains that after they argued last night, Jake declared that there was nothing left for him in Melrose Place and pissily took off on his bike. Amanda's all, "Say wuh?" and bitchily accuses Jo of provoking Jake to leave 'cause of all the pressure she put on him, and Jo snaps back that she is equally guilty of that...then tells her to get lost, 'cause she's grappling with the stark reality that she may just have lost a dear friend.

At D&D, Alison asks Elizabeth why she's been processing the files in Billy's outbox but not hers, and Elizabeth shrugs disinterestedly and says she simply didn't notice them. Alison presses harder and accuses her of ignoring her outbox and reminds the flunky that she's supposed to also be her assistant, so Elizabeth explains that since Billy's outbox is always so full, she assumed that it included both their files. She half-heartedly apologizes for the oversight, and Alison reacts to the [what seems to me like a] benign misunderstanding by storming into Amanda's office to rail about what a shitty assistant Elizabeth is. Amanda says she's surprised to hear that, given what an eager beaver she is...and asks Alison if she's not just a teensy bit jealous of Elizabeth. Alison haughtily denies being at all jealous and points out that Elizabeth is not doing the job to her satisfaction, and Amanda chews on that for a few seconds and promises to have a chat with the inept employee.

Over at the hospital, Matt enters the office of the Chief of Staff expecting to find Dr. Levin - and quickly learns that the dud has been replaced with the far more telegenic Dr. Peter Burns. Peter invites him to come in and chat about whatever's on his mind, so Matt interprets that as a green light to blab about how Kimberly was appointed the chair of the Social Services Committee and has proven herself to "a pretty brutal administrator", meaning she only cares about the hospital's revenue and not the hardships she's causing to the uninsured when she heartlessly steel-toes them out the door. Peter reacts by staring back at him contemplatively and promises to do his best to remedy the troubling situation asap.

Elizabeth tearfully informs Billy that she was just fired, bitterly adding, "Apparently someone didn't like my work and went to management." Billy coos about how sorry he is to hear that and promises to call soon [spoiler: not]. Once she's out of earshot, he asks Alison, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation, if she was the one who complained about Elizabeth...and Alison admits that, yep, she lodged a tiny complaint with Amanda - but didn't do so with the intention of getting Elizabeth fired. As Billy shoots her the stink-eye, Alison points out how hard Elizabeth sucked at her job, and that tattling to Amanda about it was purely business, not personal. Billy continues to glare, then snarls, "I never noticed how petty and vindictive you can be" before huffing off.

While dining out at a fancy restaurant, Jane gushes to Chris about how much she's enjoying her design firm's success, then wrings her hands about how she wishes that Sydney too could enjoy a happy, fruitful life instead of always being such a damn train wreck. She says that tomorrow is Sydney's birthday...and that she doesn't even know if she should plan anything, so Chris suggests she organize a small outing, e.g. the three of them going out dancing together. Jane mulls that over and somehow decides that asking her sister to third-wheel it to a club with her and creepy boyfriend sounds like just the thing that'll improve her mood. The two then indulge in an amorous smooch, and Jane breathily tells Chris she really really wants to go to his place, like right now.

After the two arrive at Chris's place, Jane purrs about how eager she is to leap into the sack, awkwardly adding that she responsibly planned ahead by slipping a condom into her purse...and Chris kind of flinches at the prospect and tells her he "wants to do this right" and not rush things. He proposes that instead of intercourse they spoon all night, explaining, "Things that can be had too easily can't be valued." Jane looks deeply impressed by his (frankly needless) restraint and says that him wanting to save himself for her means sooooo much to her, and that she's A-OK with zero penetration for the foreseeable future.

Elsewhere across the country/state (?), Jake motors up to a beautiful family home. He knocks on the door and tells the woman who answers that he's looking for Vince Connors...and a few seconds later, Vince rushes over to handle the situation and snarkishly tells Jake that they have nothing to talk about. When Jake refuses to budge from the doorstep, Vince suggests they meet up at a nearby coffee shop tomorrow and chat about what in blazes he thinks he's doing, showing up at his house unannounced.

After Jane has fallen asleep, Chris climbs out of bed and phones Sydney to creepily pronounce, "I know you're in bed, and I know you're alone." He adds that he's been thinking about her and what she might be wearing, then asks her if she's decent under the sheets. Sydney's all, "The fuck..?" and hastily hangs up the phone.

The next morning at the coffee shop, Vince asks Jake how he was able to locate him, and Jake explains that his mom gave him his general contact info, and that he's been keeping tabs on him over the years. Vince acknowledges he's his bio dad - but only 'cause he crossed paths with his drunken ma in a bar and got it on with her, despite the fact that he was married with a child. When Jake grimly says he's heard the icky conception story, Vince pulls out his check book and asks him how much he wants. A visibly offended Jake says he doesn't want his money, then explains that he grew up missing having a dad he knew was out there somewhere - but never within reach. Vince shrugs disinterestedly and says there's nothing he's willing to do 'bout that now, and makes it clear he doesn't want him anywhere near his wife or kids. Jake abruptly says, "Forget it" and says he's prolly better off not knowing any more about him - but Vince looks as though he's having a sudden change of heart and asks, "Why now?" Jake explains that lately he's lost a lot, and that for once he wanted to find something. Vince mulls that over and invites him to his house for dinner...but only with the understanding that 1) he needs to leave right after the meal, and 2) he'll be introduced to his family as the son of an old college roommate.

Jane and Chris arrive at the design studio and are irked when they find Michael sitting at her desk, looking over company files. He waves around a document titled Creative Non-interference and asks whassup with this, so Chris explains that he had his lawyer draw it up for him to sign so that he and Jane didn't have to consult with him every time they want to develop a new clothing line. Chris then announces that he's off to a meeting...and once he's safetly out of hearing range, Michael chides Jane about her "slick" boyfriend trying to pull a fast one. He warns that Chris is manipulating her into trusting him, and Jane's like, "I do trust him", then tells him to get lost 'cause she has a business to run.  

Jake is at Casa Connors for dinner...and when Mrs. Connors asks him where he's staying while in town, he says he booked a room in a nearby motel. She frowns at that and invites him to stay at the house, and Jake's all, "Sounds great!" while Vince glowers in irritation.

Jo tells Alison she's been worried about Jake ever since he suddenly disappeared, and Alison grumbles about how much she'd looooove it if Billy suddenly disappeared. [I second that.] Jo urges her to forget about the wooden-faced numb-brain and move on with her life, then tells her there's a guy across the bar who's been ogling her all night. When Alison makes eye contact with her admirer, he saunters over, introduces himself as Mitch, and offers to buy them drinks.

Over at Dominique's (a dance club), Jane motions over at a despondent looking Sydney and asks Chris if he would please attempt to cheer her up by asking her to dance. When Sydney glumly follows Chris onto the dance floor, he leans in and whispers, "Are you decent under that dress?" Sydney stares at him in horrified disgust and calls him out for saying something as equally icky on the phone last night...and when Jane reappears after a trip to the ladies room, Sydney insists on going home right now. 

Mitch walks Alison to her apartment and asks if he can come in, and she's like, "OK, just for a minute." Once inside, the two smooch urgently, then start to really get it on atop the couch.

Across the courtyard, Sydney is laying on the pullout couch watching TV when Chris calls to creepishly inform her he left a present for her in the top drawer of Jane's desk. When Sydney investigates, she finds a wrapped box containing lacy black underwear, which...ew.

The next morning, Alison wakes up in her bed as Mitch is quietly getting dressed, no doubt with the intention of sneaking outa there undetected. He tells her he's off to work...and when she asks when she'll see him again, he suggests they meet up at Shooters tonight and go somewhere for dinner. He then hovers over her, gives her a smooch, and smarmily says, "You were wonderful last night."

Sydney comes right out and tells Jane that Chris has been coming on to her very ickily since the previous episode - but Jane refuses to believe it and chides Sydney for lying in an effort to break them up. Sydney says she has proof, then shows her the black lace underwear he bought her for her birthday, and Jane nonsensically accuses her of planting the panties herself. A few seconds later, Chris calls and asks Sydney if she's wearing her present...but when he hears her whisper to Jane that it's Chris on the phone being gross, he pretends he merely called to tell Jane he's going to pick her up at 8pm. 

Alison arrives at D&D with a post-coital glow on her face. She smugly tells Billy she has a very satisfying life right now, and Billy grumbles, "It couldn't happen to a nicer snitch." Alison then runs into Amanda and blushingly asks her if she wouldn't mind covering for her at tonight's photoshoot 'cause she has a date with someone who means a lot to her, and Amanda assures her it's no problem and remarks, "He must be some great guy" while Billy openly scowls.

Michael and Kimberly drop by Peter Burns' office with a houseplant, and Peter curtly thanks them, then brusquely tells Kimberly he's removing her from the Social Services Review Committee 'cause he wants someone in charge who has more sensitivity. Michael smarmily applauds his willingness to restructure staff, unlike his predecessor - but Peter tells him to shut it and warns that he's going to be a 'play no games and take no crap' kind of boss.

Jake is gabbling with Vince's two kids about his motorcycle when Vince pulls up, barks at his kids to wash up for dinner, and gruffly asks Jake why he's still here. Jake reminds him that 1) his wife invited him to stay, and 2) he is his bio son - but Vince angrily accuses him of hanging around 'cause he wants to ruin his life. Jake argues that he simply wants to matter to his dad and wishes he'd give a damn - but quickly gives up on that pipe dream and motors off. 

Alison is at Shooters, waiting for Mitch to show up. She heads over to the nearest pay phone and leaves a message on his machine, reminding him about their date that he's half an hour late for. 

Vince tails Jake and honks at him to pull over...and once the two are parked on the side of the road, a regretful Vince says he didn't want to leave things on a bad note. He pulls out a photo of Jake in his high school football uniform and admits that he thinks about him a lot and really does give a damn. He pulls Jake into a hug and asks if he's headed home...and when Jake's like, "Er,  maybe..?", Vince asks if he has people who care for him wherever he's living. Jake says he does, so Vince tells him that that's where he needs to be, and to please get in touch every now and again.

Jake drops by Jo's apartment to announce his return, and she stares at him incredulously and snarks, "How dare you leave town for a day and a half!" and cause her to worry. He apologizes, hugs her, and assures her he's back to being a permanent Melrose Place resident.

Alison shows up at Mitch's workplace to call him out for being a "using, lying, shallow creep". She says she won't stand for being treated this way, especially not by a loser such as himself. Mitch tells her that, to him, their roll in the hay was just one night of fun, and that it's not his fault if she can't handle fun. Alison argues that she can handle fun, then picks up a pitcher of water that just happens to be standing on a nearby table and pours it over his head. Haha!

Jake heads up to Amanda's apartment to explain that he briefly left town 'cause he needed to work something out on his own, and Amanda pretends that she has no intention of giving him back his apartment...but then quickly relents and hands him his keys, weakly demanding a security deposit. Jake grins, takes the keys, and leans in to give her a grateful cheek kiss.

Jake enters his apartment, which has remained unchanged after he pretended to abandon it less than two days earlier. He plays his phone messages, which includes one about overdue boat slip fees...and then a second about collecting ample reward money for his role in resolving the Palmer Woodward 'fugitive from justice' case. 

Sydney ambles across the courtyard to throw away garbage when Chris suddenly appears out of nowhere, presses himself against her, and nonsensically warns that if she continues to resist his grotesque advances, he'll convince Jane that she's so crazy she belongs in a padded cell. [Sounds like a ridiculously weak plan, but OK.] He forcibly kisses her, says, "I'll be in touch", and then races off...leaving Sydney staring after him in repulsed puzzlement.

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: While laying in bed together, Kimberly gushes to Michael about his prowess in the sack, then blissfully declares that she's with the man she loves and wants them to be official once he's legally divorced from Sydney. Michael tells her he's working on that, so she then gabbles about how excited she is about their imminent transfer out of L.A. so they can start a new life elsewhere. Michael dryly tells her not to start packing, adding, "I'm not in the mood to move." He then climbs out of bed and ambles into the bathroom, coldly instructing her to give him a shout when breakfast is ready...and she stares after him with a crestfallen expression on her face.

Over at D&D, Amanda receives a package containing a videotape that was recorded by Palmer before he got shot/blown up by Kathy Ireland. He apologizes for skipping out on her and says that by the time she gets this he'll prolly be halfway to Mexico after hijacking Jake's boat. He chucklingly tells her not to hate him, and she responds by glaring at the TV in dismay.

Amanda heads over to the marina and is further dismayed to see that Jake's boat is gone from its slip...then looks concerned when she spots a couple of police officers milling around. She sashays over, introduces herself as a friend of the owner of the Pretty Lady, and says she's pretty sure her fugitive father is a passenger aboard the boat. When she adds that she's already alerted the FBI, one of the officers breaks the news that last night someone witnessed the explosion of the Pretty Lady off the coast of Catalina.

At the hospital, Michael runs into Matt and gleefully tells him he got his memory back, and that he's super thrilled to resume his life as a doctor and Kimberly's main man. A concerned looking Matt reminds him that since Kimberly tried to kill him at least twice he should prolly pack a bag and move out of the beach house post haste - but Michael snarlingly tells him to keep his nose out of his bidness and dickishly asks, "Do I judge your lifestyle, man?" A dismayed Matt stares after Michael perplexedly while he joyously skips down the hall.

Back at D&D, a pretty young blonde sashays over to Billy and introduces herself as Elizabeth Wyatt, aka his/Alison's new assistant. She wanks him about how much she looooved his writing in Escapade Magazine and coquettishly adds that he looked great on the cover [that time Nancy Donner somehow thought it was a winning idea to so prominently feature one of her staff writers]. Billy perks up at the flattery and invites her out to lunch - just as a peeved looking Alison wanders over to pull him aside and privately chide him for flirting with their new assistant. Billy denies doing any such thing, and Alison's like, "Whatever" before bitchily handing him some notes for an upcoming meeting.

Jane and Sydney are toiling away at the design studio when Michael bursts in and demands that Sydney sign the divorce papers. When Sydney's response is, "Go to hell", he threatens to get her to change her mind by sending Kimberly over to "reason" with her. Jane interjects and tells him they'll get back to him with a proposed divorce settlement, and Michael reluctantly agrees to give them until the end of the day to respond.

That evening, Jo drops by Amanda's apartment to complain about a running water issue, and a despondent Amanda's like, "I don't give a shit, call a plumber" and tells her to get lost. Jo puts her concerned face on and asks her what's wrong, so Amanda tells her that the Pretty Lady blew up off the coast of Catalina, likely with her father and Jake on board. As a stunned Jo's all, "OMG!", Amanda tells her to stuff it with her shocked reaction 'cause she can't deal with another person's grief, then asks her please keep mum about it until morning. 

The next morning, Chris arrives at Jane's apartment for a smooch and to suggest that Sydney's divorce settlement include Michael's share of her design firm. Sydney concurs and acknowledges that she needs to repay Jane for everything she's done for her...and after Jane and Chris head out, she calls Michael and arranges for them to meet up for dinner so they can haggle over the specifics of the divorce settlement.

Over in the courtyard, Alison runs into Amanda and asks if her D&D workstation can be moved further away from Billy's, and Amanda responds by haughtily comparing the levels of seriousness of their respective problems:

• Alison wants her workstation relocated 'cause she finds it awkward to work in such close proximity to Billy now that they're broken up
• Jake and Palmer are presumed dead after the Pretty Lady exploded last night

She bitchily says she'll make the desk relocation her top priority and stomps off, leaving an aghast looking Alison staring after her in bewilderment.

Billy gets the bad news about Jake while on the phone at D&D. When he explains the sitch to Elizabeth, she clucks sympathetically and offers comfort by touching his hand - just as Alison ambles over to shoot Elizabeth the stink-eye and ask Billy to let her know if he learns anything further about Jake's rescue or recovery.

Over dinner at a fancy restaurant, Michael tells Sydney he's going to stick with Kimberly out of a deep sense of guilt and shame, and offers to give her (Sydney) a payout of $5,000 to sign the divorce papers. Sydney calls that nuts, then reminds him that he once professed his love for her - and he counters that she's just as nuts as Kimberly and reminds her that while in the sanitarium she confessed to trying to kill him. Sydney says that for whatever God-only-knows-why reason she really really wants to stay married to him...and when Michael wearily tells her to just take the $5,000 and get out of his life, Sydney responds by getting miffed and declaring that the divorce settlement is going to have to include him giving up his share of Jane's design firm...and that if he refuses, she'll hire a lawyer. 

Back at Melrose Place, Jane and Chris are smooching on her couch...and when she self-deprecatingly wonders aloud what he ever saw in her, he coos about her talent, all the things they can accomplish together, and purrs, "I need everything you have to offer." He tells her she's beautiful, gives her a final smooch, and abruptly says he should be heading home now.

Later that night, Coast Guard officers are searching the area where Pretty Lady exploded when they miraculously find Jake clinging to a buoy for dear life. They hastily toss him a life preserver and tow him towards their boat.

In the Melrose Place courtyard, Alison, Billy, Jo, and Matt have gathered together to lament the loss of Jake - when suddenly an exhausted looking Jake stumbles in. Jo tears up and rushes over to hug him, but he just kind of pushes her aside and promises everyone he'll fill them in on everything he just endured after he talks to Amanda. 

Amanda is visibly relieved to see that Jake is alive and well, and has somehow convinced herself that her dad was able to escape to South America. Jake tells her he's 100% sure Palmer is dead, then describes how Kathy Ireland shot him before motoring away on her boat and then detonating the Pretty Lady. He describes how he spotted the stash of explosives seconds before everything went kaboom!, dove into the ocean in the nick of time, and miraculously survived. He further explains that Palmer and Kathy Ireland had been in cahoots to carry out a revenge plot against him (Jake) - until she unexpectedly turned on Palmer, this is - and that their plan was to blow up the Pretty Lady (with him on it) before absconding with the $1 million via a second boat. A deflated Amanda stares back at him sadly and mumbles, "Well...there it is." 

Jane warns Sydney to keep her guard up when it comes to Michael attempting to wear her down during their divorce negotiations, and Sydney assures her she'll do her very best to not screw the pooch 'cause she's determined to convince Michael to hand over his share of her design firm. Jane says if they can't hammer out a settlement, she's going to hire a lawyer...and a few seconds after she heads off to work, Sydney calls Michael at the hospital. He tells her he had papers drawn up and wants to meet up in person in a hotel room, and Sydney perkily agrees to stop by - despite that sounding like a really really bad idea that nothing good could possibly come of.

Amanda is summoned to the morgue to officially ID Palmer...whose body is somehow fully intact and identifiable after being on a boat that got blown up and then burned to smithereens. When the coroner pulls open the drawer containing Palmer's remains, Amanda asks the doctor and Jake to give her a moment alone with the corpse, which mercifully takes place off camera.

At Shooters, Jo tells Alison she's suddenly finding it difficult to be just platonic with Jake and can't decide if she should share her feelings with him or keep it to herself. [Definitely keep it to yourself, Jo.] Alison urges her to share these feelings with Jake and figure out where they stand - just as she spots Billy enter the bar with Elizabeth. She snarkishly tells Jo how nauseating it is, watching the perky blonde drool all over her ex...then gets up and wanders over to where they're standing. She pulls Billy aside to chide him about how unprofessional it is of him to date their assistant, and Billy nonsensically retorts that the only reason he ended up working at D&D was 'cause he got fired at his previous job for helping her out. He accuses her of repeatedly blowing off their relationship, flatly refuses to stop seeing Elizabeth, and snidely pronounces, "She's you, two years ago." Ouch.

Jake escorts Amanda back to her apartment...and she flops onto her couch, thanks him for accompanying her to the morgue, and pontificates about how her dad is prolly better off dead than languishing in a prison cell. Jake leans in to give her a comforting hug - but when she responds by kissing him, he pulls away and says he wants to remain un-coupled for the foreseeable future. Amanda poutishly argues, "But I neeeeeeed you" and says she feels as though he's abandoning her...and he insists he's not, but then gets up and beats a hasty retreat. 

Sydney arrives at the hotel to meet up with Michael, and he strips off his flannel shirt, sexily canoodles her, and tells her he's only sticking with Kimberly 'cause he's too afraid not to. Between smooches, he says if he doesn't provide Kimberly with proof that he's divorced she might come after her (meaning Sydney), and that he absolutely can't let that happen. He coos about how desperately he needs her trust to get rid of crazy Kimberly, and Sydney softens and looks as though she's buying this obvious nonsense. He calls her his soulmate, begs her to sign the divorce papers, saying, "It's the only way out" ... and so Sydney stupidly scribbles her signature on the papers. When he sees that she's signed, he immediately puts an end to the canoodling, chuckles about how she just relinquished all rights to his share of Jane's design firm, and holds up a large stash o' cash (aka the $5,000 divorce settlement) and quips, "Taking money for not having sex...little odd, don't you think?" After he smugly sashays out of the room, a humiliated Sydney vows to make him suffer for fooling her so ridiculously easily. 

The next day at Jane Mancini Designs, Jane tells Sydney that they have an appointment with their new lawyer this afternoon - but Sydney insists that it's not necessary and fibs that Michael agreed to all of her demands. Jane smiles in response and says she'll go ahead and cancel the appointment with the lawyer. 

Jo stops in at Jake's apartment and asks if they can have a tête-à-tête, then comes right out and tells him that it really hurt her feelings when he brushed her off her last night in favor of going up to Amanda's apartment. An incredulous looking Jake asks if she thinks staying in the courtyard and chatting with her should have been his priority after nearly getting blown up, and she's like, "Er, yeah..?" and says he really needs to have the right priorities. Jake bellows about how sick and tired he is of all "the petty garbage" at the Melrose Place complex and accuses Jo of being self absorbed...then goes on a rant about how he's tried to do right by people, only to have his efforts bite him in the ass. He declares that he's adopting a new life philosophy of "don't help anyone or expect help in return" and barks at Jo to leave...and as he slams the door after her, she snarls, "Have a nice life."

Michael bursts into Jane Mancini Designs and tells Jane and Chris he's been going over their books - and Jane interjects and is all, "Wuh? I thought you gave up your share of the business." Michael smugly reveals that he settled the divorce for a measly $5,000...and Jane glares over at Sydney, who sheepishly apologizes for being so stupidly gullible. Michael smilingly thanks Sydney for signing the papers and saunters out...and Sydney admits to handling her divorce settlement  in the dumbest way possible, and that it's become painfully clear that Michael wants to be part of her (Jane's) life any way he can. 

Back at D&D, Alison and Billy are discussing an important account - just as Elizabeth wanders over. Billy includes her in the discussion and tells an appalled looking Alison that it's definitely appropriate to welcome their assistant's feedback...but when Elizabeth looks visibly uncomfortable and hastily excuses herself to go to the filing room, Alison chides Billy for treating a low level employee as a peer. She asks if he and the blonde are an item...and when Billy declines to answer, Alison gives him a heads up that she's been asked out by someone from the office and is planning on saying yes. Billy's like, "I couldn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses", then asks her to please remove the framed photo of the two of them from her work desk 'cause it's making Elizabeth uncomfortable. 

Jake packs a bag, then heads over to Matt's apartment to hand over his keys and ask him to pass along a message to Amanda that he's moving out and has zero idea where he's headed. A stunned Matt shakes his hand and wishes him well...and then Jake climbs atop his motorcycle and rides off into the night.

Recap: Michael is having a black and white dream/flashback of when he got hit by a car during the Season 2 finale. He wakes in a panic, then glances over at Kimberly, who's sleeping peacefully beside him, and stares contemplatively into space (as though he's starting to get a slightly clearer picture in his muddled, amnesia-ed brain about who might have been driving the car that struck him). He climbs out of the bed and ambles onto the outdoor patio to stare at the ocean...and a few seconds later, Kimberly appears and gives him a from-behind canoodle. He tells her he's sooooo frustrated about his memory loss, and she cooingly tells him not to pressure himself too much and that he should learn to be content to live the rest of his life without remembering his past. He disagrees and says he needs to regain his memory 'cause he can't go on like this.

Over at Melrose Place, Amanda makes it clear to her fugitive father that she's less than thrilled with him for choosing to hide out in her apartment. She reminds him that when he first went on the lam, the FBI stalked her and nearly charged her with aiding and abetting a criminal. Palmer faux promises to turn himself in after he handles a personal matter that should take no more than a couple of days, and Amanda moans, "Pleeeease don't do this to me" and points out that if anyone sees that he's been hiding out at Melrose Place, she too could be shipped off to prison. Palmer emphasizes that that's not his intention, that all he's asking for is two days to take care of bidness, and smarmily expresses his delight in being able to manipulate - er count on her.

Across the courtyard, Jane tells Sydney she's giving her the day off from her new job at the design studio so she can adjust to her bogus sounding "work release" situation. She warns her sister to take the job seriously - but Sydney just grumbles about how she's broke, was put on probation for a crime she didn't commit, and has an ex-husband with selected amnesia. She expresses puzzlement about how Michael can remember all of his medical training, but nothing about his personal life - right?? - then wonders if perhaps something in his brain would be triggered if he saw her in person. Jane says it's not likely, given that he didn't remember her despite (or perhaps because of) their boring five year marriage. She urges Sydney to forget about Michael and his memory loss woes and heads off to work. 

Billy is packing up his stuff while Alison chats with Jo, who's bummed about being sued for custody of her unborn child. Alison assures her that no judge would take a baby away from its mother in favor of a pair of weird grandparents who sired a murderous drug dealer, then suggests she play it safe by pretending to reassure the Carters that she does, in fact, want them to be part of her spawn's life. A few seconds later, Billy reenters the room and bitchily orders Alison to return all the wedding gifts since she was the one who called off the wedding...and Alison somehow refrains from telling the pissy little man-child where he can shove his petty bitchitude.

​Jake returns to the Pretty Lady and looks visibly dismayed to see that Kathy Ireland still hasn't fuuuuucking departed his boat yet. He glares at her incredulously and asks, "What part of 'find another place' did you not understand?", so she poutishly tells him she checked into a seedy motel last night, but hates it 'cause it's small and musty. When she adds that her abusive husband found out that she's been staying on the boat and might storm over and give him the what-for, Jake shrugs disinterestedly and says he'll be sure to be on the lookout. He then firmly tells her he doesn't have anymore time for her B.S., not least 'cause he has an upcoming photoshoot booked aboard the Pretty Lady, and she moans, "I tried.." and dejectedly shuffles off. 

Over at D&D, Amanda tells Alison and Billy that they're close to landing an account with Glorious Gowns (a chain of bridal saloons), and that she needs them to step into a client meeting with her, like right now. Billy grumbles that he doesn't know anything about weddings, to which Alison snaps, "You would if you'd paid attention to your own." Amanda irritably tells them to shut it, act like professionals, and prepare to close the deal. A few seconds later, the three enter the conference room, where Amanda begins her final pitch to the head of Glorious Gowns (Bob McGovern). Alison chimes in with the discussion and suggests a photoshoot aboard a boat, brainstorming an idea involving the bride's veil and dress blowing in the wind as she jumps overboard. An incredulous Billy mutters, "Escaping from your own wedding...wonder where you got that idea" ... and after shooting him an incredulous stink-eye, Alison explains that the concept is more about taking the plunge than it is escaping a boneheaded fiancé. Bob McGovern gushes about how much he looooooves her idea, and Alison gaily says they have a boat on reserve for all of their photoshoots. Amanda cuts in to ask her if she's referring to Jake's boat...and when she says she is, Amanda brusquely informs her that D&D no longer does business with Jack Hanson 'cause she's still extremely miffed that he dumped her shortly before hitting the sheets with Kathy Ireland. 

Michael is sitting cross-legged on the beach when Sydney sashays over and seats herself beside him. He says hello to the pretty "stranger", tells her he's suffering from a strange case of selective amnesia, and can't seem to recall anything about his personal life. Sydney slyly introduces herself as Miranda and tells him that she used to live on the beach.

Jake drops by Amanda's apartment and demands to know if his dalliance with Kathy Ireland is the reason she cancelled all D&D business aboard the Pretty Lady, and she haughtily denies that by firmly declaring, "I don't make business decisions based on your carnal whims" ... even though she clearly just made a business decision based on his latest carnal whim. Jake calls her out for being jealous of his new sex-mate, and she snarlingly retorts that she's going to find a far better boat for D&D's photoshoots, then hustles him out the door. A few seconds later, Palmer emerges from his hiding place in the bedroom and tells her not to waste her time on a loser like Jake - but Amanda admonishes him for criticizing Jake, who she calls an honest man who was there for her when he (Palmer) skipped bail and ran off. She then wearily tells him to help himself to dinner, 'cause she's suddenly lost her appetite...and after she heads off to bed, Palmer picks up the phone to call Kathy Ireland and tell her they need to get their nefarious plan in motion asap.

Jo travels to Casa Carter to tell Reed's weird parents she was hoping they could work out this - frankly ridonkulous - custody issue out of court. She wankingly tells them she totally gets that they've been through a lot since Reed's [totally justified] killing, credits them for being so warm and understanding towards her during their L.A. visit, and has been racking her brain wondering why, in the name of all that is holy, they think that any judge in California would award a pair of odd grandparents custody of a baby who has a reasonably functioning mother. She earnestly says she wants her baby to know his/her father's family, to which Ma Carter snaps, "And that's supposed to make up for the fact that you murdered our son?" Pa Carter concurs with that sentiment and says he doesn't want his grandchild to be raised by a cold-blooded killer. An ashen-faced Jo calls this visit a mistake [ya think?] and heads toward the door, while Ma Carter lectures her about how her baby should be raised by people who have good values and sound moral judgement. Jo calls the grisly pair "sanctimonious, self-righteous hypocrites" and wails, "This is my baby!" and that no in way in hell are they ever going to change that. 

Michael returns to the beach house carrying a bag of groceries and finds "Miranda" lazing atop his deck lounger. He scrunches his face worriedly and tells her he doesn't live here alone, then admits that he's not married...to which Sydney perks up and starts smooching him. Michael pushes her away, says he's engaged to be married and that he strongly believes in fidelity. Sydney somehow refrains from laughing out loud at that pronouncement as she continues to smooch him - but he firmly pushes her away a second time and says that despite how beautiful she is, he really needs her to leave.

Billy storms into Amanda's office, throws a report onto her desk, and whiningly complains that he was up all night working on the copy for Glorious Gowns, only to be told by Alison that his writing skills are the shits. Amanda picks up the report, glances through it, and declares it great...and adds that Alison often allows herself to be affected by personal bias, and that she can only assume she's somehow threatened by his awe-inspiring ability to so quickly make the jump from journalism to advertising. She wankingly assures the thin-skinned imbecile that he's doing splendidly at D&D - despite his ridiculous lack of professionalism during two meetings so far - and promises to give Alison the what-for for her unsupportive 'tude.

Palmer is in a car with Kathy Ireland, who's practicing writing Amanda's signature. Palmer urges her to keep at it, 'cause he'd prefer to not involve his daughter in the 'bank withdrawal' part of their nefarious scheme. A fed up Kathy Ireland complains that she only agreed to rig Jake's boat with explosives, and that he's officially on his own figuring how to get $1 million out of his daughter's safety deposit box.

That evening, Amanda and Palmer are eating takeout...and Amanda makes it clear how deeply annoyed she is that he's still hiding out in her apartment. He's like, "Yeah whatever" and says he needs one more favor...then fibs about how he got involved with some bad people who are now demanding that he pay up all the money he owes them - otherwise they might come after his family (aka Amanda). When Amanda says that most of her money is tied up in her ownership of Melrose Place, Palmer reveals that years ago he opened a safety deposit box in both their names and deposited $1 million...and he now needs her help extracting the cash. 

Kimberly and Michael are leaving a restaurant after enjoying a sumptuous meal. As Michael crosses the street, a car suddenly races towards him...and he reacts by freezing and staring into the headlights like a startled deer as he suddenly recalls the identity of the person who tried to mow him down during the Season 2 finale. 

The following morning at the beach house, Kimberly basks in some post coital afterglow and gushes at Michael about how super awesomely he always performs in the sack. She remarks on how he's usually in the kitchen by this time, making them breakfast while she gets ready for work, so Michael tells her he feels ready to get back to being a doctor. Kimberly frowns disapprovingly and insists that he still needs to take a lot of time off to heal...and as she skips off to the bathroom, he glares after her with a look of disgust.

Amanda emerges from the bank carrying a briefcase full of cash and hurries back to her car where Palmer is waiting. He glances at the stack o' cash, approvingly says, "Good girl" and explains that he stashed the money in a safety deposit box so he wouldn't have to hand it over to his ex-wife as part of their divorce settlement. He adds that he only dug into it so he could help her (Amanda) with the down payment of Melrose Place. Amanda looks stunned by the admission, then grins happily and says she had no idea that this secret stash was the source of that funding. 

Kathy Ireland sneaks aboard the Pretty Lady carrying a big black bag filled with explosives, officially launching Palmer's nefarious, way-out-of-proportion revenge plot to blow up Jake and his boat.

Back at D&D, Alison grumbles at Amanda for overriding her rejection of Billy's copy for Glorious Gowns, and Amanda accuses her of trying to sabotage Billy's career and insists that the dumbfuck is one of the world's greatest copywriters. She adds that she'd be well within her rights to fire her for making business decisions based on a personal vendetta - much like when she cancelled D&D's contract with Jake for the use of his boat after he dumped her and then doinked Kathy Ireland - and Alison growls, "Sure, fire me." Amanda rails about how weirdly pissed she still is about ancient history from the previous season, specifically when she (Alison) blabbed about her "affair" with Chas and testified in court about it, 'cause it almost resulted in her losing her mom and her job. She declares it payback time and warns, "I promise to make your life a living hell." So noted.

After work, Amanda returns home with a bag of groceries and looks around for her dad...but it soon becomes clear that Palmer has packed up his things and absconded with the cash. She mutters, "Damn you, daddy", then picks up the phone and calls the FBI to dutifully report the reappearance of her felonious father. 

Michael drops by Jane's apartment to see "Miranda", and fake gushes about how he followed her home 'cause he just couldn't stop thinking about her. A delighted Sydney invites him inside...and after a quick smoochfest, he picks her up and carries her to the bedroom. He tells her he had a dream last night that she wanted him to tie her up to indulge in a little S&M foreplay, and she looks intrigued by the prospect and purrs, "Make me yours, Michael." He ties her wrists to the bed, then steps back to glare at her disdainfully as he says, "I wouldn't sleep with you at gunpoint." Sydney stares back at him in dismay and asks if his amnesia has magically resolved itself, and he smilingly says it has. He asks her who tried to mow him down, and Sydney insists it was Crazy Kimberly, who first tried to frame Jane, then her. She then begs him to untie her, but he just saunters out of the room while murmuring, "Sleep tight."

When Jane and Chris return to the apartment, they hear Sydney shrieking for help from the bedroom...and when they rush into the room and are all, "Uh, why are you tied to the bed?", she tells them that Michael forcibly tied her up when his memory came back. Jane scrunches her face skeptically at the notion of Sydney having to be forced into any kind of bondage sex-play...and Chris abruptly says he should prolly be going now, and smooches Jane while at the same time creepishly giving Sydney an appreciative once over.

Palmer climbs aboard the Pretty Lady, pulls out a gun, and sneaks up behind Jake. He shoves the gun into Jake's back and growls, "Let's go for a ride."

Sydney is working at Jane Mancini Designs when Chris enters the studio, hovers closely behind her, and asks her how she's doing after having been tied up for hours. He says he can only assume that she allowed Michael to tie her up, then derisively adds, "No wonder you made such a good whore." Sydney mumbles how stunned she is that Jane would tell him about her hooking stint, and he just shrugs and says he'd have figured it out soon enough, explaining, "I've seen enough white trash hookers to last a lifetime." Ouch.

When Kimberly returns home from work, Michael suggests they go out for dinner, urging her to wear a pink dress 'cause it'd look nice with the blonde wig. When she's all, "Say wha-a-a?", he sarcastically retorts, "Just a little amnesia humor. Hi honey, I'm home." A panicked looking Kimberly's all, "Ack!" and rushes back out the door to her car - but Michael stands in front of it and eggs her on to actually go through with killing him this time. Kimberly reaches down deep, but can't bring herself to run him over a second time and starts sobbing...and Michael pulls her out of the driver's seat and bellows at her to decide if she wants to love him or kill him. Kimberly must have mutely chosen the love option, 'cause he then rips open her blouse before the two start violently getting it on atop the hood of her car.

That evening aboard the Pretty Lady, Palmer overshares with Jake about how he needs to get rid of his old identity so he can assume a new one, calling the operation, "Killing two birds with one bomb." He then looks out at the dark ocean through his binoculars and spots a second boat approach...and Jake is stunned when he sees that Kathy Ireland is at the wheel. She points the gun at him and smugly says, "Let's see how you take care of yourself now, Jake", and gleefully reveals that she and Palmer have been partners in crime for the last three episodes. Palmer chides a dismayed Jake for his part in getting him arrested, then stealing (?) Amanda and turning her against him...and that he has no intention of allowing his daughter to risk ruining her future for a loser like him. He then then hits Jake over the head and tells Kathy Ireland he's now ready to flee - but Kathy Ireland's all, "I just decided I don't have any use for an old man who has the FBI on his tail", then shoots him (!) and urges Jake to regain consciousness and come with her (adding that she has new IDs and Palmer's $1 million in cash). Jake tells her to go to hell, and she looks visibly irked by the rejection as she speeds off in the boat. A few seconds later, Jake spots the explosives that Kathy Ireland had planted aboard the boat earlier, muttering, "Oh nooooo" - just as she pulls out a detonation device, murmurs, "Bye, Jake", and presses the button. A few seconds later, the Pretty Lady is torn apart by a massive explosion and continues to burn as the camera fades to black.

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Recap: Aboard the Pretty Lady, Jake is enjoying some post-coital canoodling with Kathy Ireland. She gushes again that he saved her life and that she loooooves repaying him with frequent romps in the sack...and Jake tells her while the sex has been fucking-tastic, it's really not part of his life plan at the moment. He makes it clear, yet again, that he has zero interest in initiating anything resembling a relationship with her - but she cuts him off and offers to go out and fetch them some breakfast. 

After exiting the boat, Kathy Ireland makes a beeline across the pier where Palmer is sitting in his parked car. He tells her he really really needs to get on that boat, and she warns that it's not going to be easy, and that Jake is growingly understandably irritated about how she continues to overstay her welcome. Palmer chuckles and instructs her to keep him entertained, and she sassily replies, "It would be my pleasure" and tells him that Jake is not nearly as dumb and easily manipulated as he (Palmer) made him out to be. Even though he kind of is by not sending her packing much sooner.

Over in the sanitarium, Sydney is being forced to do one of those 'what do you see when you look at this ink blob?' exercises. She tells Dr. Curtis that every ink blob looks to her like an angel or a field of flowers (LOL), and he wryly says he can't help but be skeptical that she's being truthful. Sydney insists she's 100% sane, was framed for attempted murder, and is determined to put this funny farm out of business as soon as she's released. When Dr. Curtis jots all that down, she snarls, "What are you writing?" and grabs the notebook out of hands. Dr. Curtis covertly presses the panic button under his desk and snarkishly decrees that next time they meet she's going to have to be strapped to the chair...and a few seconds later, two orderlies burst in and grab her. Dr. Curtis orders them to give her some valium and says they need to ensure that she's properly restrained next time...and as the orderlies drag her off, she professes her innocence and desperately calls out for someone - anyone - to help her. 

Kimberly arrives at the hospital and enters the staff lounge, where Dr. Lewis is telling Michael he's completely fine, and that his brain injury has healed miraculously in record time. Michael lays it on thick about how awesome it is to have a devoted woman like Kimberly at his side, and Dr. Lewis then asks Kimberly if they could speak in private. He advises that the best course of action in helping Michael regain his memory would be by triggering it with things like his favorite foods, places, and activities. Kimberly promises to do exactly that...then a few seconds later returns to where Michael is standing and tells him she'd looooove to take him far away from Los Angeles and start over somewhere new, and he just stares back at her blankly and dutifully bobs his head.

At Jane Mancini Designs, Chris breaks the bad news to Jane that his boss is threatening to cancel their department store partnership - unless she can get Michael's signature on the paperwork to free up his stake in the company for investment purposes. Jane glumly says that might not be possible, since she heard he's pretty much a vegetable these days - but Chris urges her to at least try, 'cause if she can't get Michael to sign off on this amazing opportunity for the growth of her fledgling design firm, he and his company are going to have to move on. He hastily adds that it doesn't mean he won't still want to be with her romantically, and the two lean in and indulge in a long smooch.

Over at D&D, Alison thanks Amanda for giving her enough time off to travel to Wisconsin, publicly out her pedo dad during his barbecue party, and subsequently free herself emotionally. Amanda says she's soooo happy to hear that the trip went well, then changes the subject to pleasanter news: thanks to Billy, D&D was able to land the new Escapade Magazine account. She explains that Billy went out on a limb in providing privileged information about the magazine, and even helped write up the proposal for Amanda's pitch to Nancy Donner. She conveniently skips the part about Nancy firing Billy and says that Bruce Teller was so impressed with Billy's prose that he instantly offered him a job at D&D as senior copyrighter. As Alison contorts her face into an expression of stunned bewilderment, Amanda gaily says, "Already the buzz on him is incredible!" - LOL - and gushes about how "advertising is obviously his forte". When she points out that she (Alison) and Billy can now spend all day, every day in complete togetherness, Alison does her best to not moan, "Oh my fuuuuuuuucking God.." as she quietly excuses herself.

Alison marches over to Billy's cubicle, makes it clear how unpleasantly surprised she is that he's suddenly working at D&D, and snappishly asks him how he could make this leap without even bothering to consult her. Billy gets all defensive and explains that he only helped Amanda with the proposal in order to help land the account...which got him fired 'cause of the privileged intel he so brazenly revealed, then got hired at D&D - all within the course of one day. He adds that Amanda assured him that she (Alison) would get the credit for landing the account, but Alison just stares back at him unhappily and points out how awkward it's going to be for them to be working at the same company. Billy starts railing, loud enough for their co-workers sitting nearby to eavesdrop, how annoying it's been for him to wait on the sidelines while she sorted through a lifetime of emotional baggage. He flippantly adds he's sorry (sorta) about all the abuse she endured as a child - but then self-piteously laments that he's done everything to be there for her at his own emotional expense. When he whines, "I have problems toooooo!", Alison shoots the pissy little jerk the stink-eye and coldly says, "Good luck in your new job", and quietly sits down at her workstation.

Back at the sanitarium, Sydney is enjoying movie night with the other inmates before she tiptoes out of the room to call Matt on a nearby pay phone. When he picks up after a few rings, she urgently tells him she's been locked up in the psych ward, and that the doctor is trying to force a confession out of her despite her innocence. A skeptical Matt says he'd looooove to believe her...and she insists she's telling him the truth - just as the orderlies spot her making the unauthorized call and forcibly drag her away from the phone.

​Billy drops by Alison's bedroom as she prepares to turn in early and asks her how things went in Wisconsin. She describes how Meredith got cold feet, and that their lawyer confirmed she had no case if both of them weren't prepared to proceed. She happily adds that she did get her dad to admit the abuse in front of a bunch of his friends at a barbecue party...and is now ready to put the blechy storyline behind her and get on with her life. Billy sheepishly apologizes for his bitchitude earlier, and the two bid each other good night. 

Reed's parents (the Carters) drop in on Jo at her apartment, explain that they saw her address on some court papers associated with Reed's death, and were wondering if perhaps she has some mementoes of their deranged dead son she wouldn't mind handing over. Jo's like, "Uh, not really", but promises to half-heartedly look around for something they can remember the psycho by. Pa Carter tells her they're staying at a local hotel for the next few days, apologizes what Reed put her through before she shot him in self defence, and heads out with his wife. 

Matt stops by Jane's apartment to tell her about his latest conversation with Sydney, and that she sounded very sincere while denying having anything to do with Michael's accident. Jane urges him to stay out of the matter, then says she has to pay a visit to Michael later 'cause she really really needs him to sign some business papers. Matt perks up at that and offers to accompany her to the beach house to see if he can suss out any clues that might help exonerate Sydney - but Jane tells him it's a waste of time, since she doesn't believe that anyone but Sydney is crazy enough to try to kill Michael.

Jo visits Ma and Pa Carter in their hotel room to give them a framed photo of Reed she just happened to have laying around. Pa Carter thanks her and laments that his son's drug use made him act like such a belligerent A-hole, while Ma Carter suddenly blurts out, "How far along are you? Is Reed the baby daddy?" Jo looks startled by the attention directed towards her baby bump, says she's six months pregnant, and that even though Reed is the bio dad, she considers the baby hers alone. Ma and Pa Carter look thrilled by the news and tell her it brings them solace, knowing that Reed's putrid genes will live on, and Jo's all, "Ew" and coldly says she's really not sure what role she would want them to play in her baby's life. Pa Carter assures her they'll respect her decision, while Ma Carter sweetly wanks Jo by saying she hopes that the baby will grow up to be just like her.

Jane and Matt drop by the beach house to see Michael, who answers the door and timidly says he's not sure he should let them inside 'cause Kimberly made it clear she doesn't like him having people over when she's not home. He swiftly changes his mind when Jane introduces herself as his [first] wife, and tells him she really really needs to talk to him about an important matter.

Back at D&D, Amanda tells Alison and Billy they need to put their heads together to come up with a campaign for Escapade Magazine that can help distinguish it from all the other rags out there. Alison chews on that for a few seconds and says it's a tough ask, not least 'cause Escapade is so blandly generic that it doesn't have much of an identity. Billy takes that [probably spot on] assessment as a personal insult and then for whatever reason gets hisself so riled up that he somehow decides it's reasonable during a work meeting to pissily call Alison a liar and a coward, and snarl, "You don't have the guts to admit that our relationship is dead and you killed it." Amanda looks visibly amused to be witnessing this bitchitude first-hand and excuses herself - after ensuring that the speaker on the phone is turned on - to rush back to her office and eavesdrop on the rest of the conversation. Alison chides Billy for being unprofessional and suggests they have this discussion at home...and when he snaps, "What's that?", Alison wearily agrees to have it out now and tells him he's an immature bonehead of a dumbfuck she can't believe she's wasted an entire year of her life with [sorry, no - that was just me, projecting]. Billy calls her selfish and decrees that now is not the time for them to be together and offers to move out of the apartment, and Alison tearfully squeaks, "OK then" and exits the conference room, while Amanda stares contemplatively into space.

Michael tells Jane he can't imagine why he'd ever want to cheat on such a beautiful, charming woman, and confides that Kimberly had described her to him as a shrew...which doesn't seem to match the warm person sitting next to him. He says he can only assume that they had many good times together before he destroyed their marriage, and sheepishly apologizes for causing her so much pain and wishes he could do something to make up for it. Jane perks up at that and is like, "As a matter of fact, there is something you can do" and explains that she needs his signature on some business papers so that she can direct some of her design firm's investment funds to a deal with a department store chain that can generate lots of capital. Michael says it sounds like a terrific opportunity and that he'd be more than happy to sign. Matt, meanwhile, wanders around the beach house in search of anything resembling a clue that might implicate Kimberly in Michael's hit and run. He enters the bathroom and sees a series of wigs on display and reacts by staring at them, ashen-faced.

Michael finishes signing the papers, and Jane thanks him and says that for the first time in a long time she sees the man she married. He grumbles about how shitty it is to not be able to remember anything - but then suddenly recalls her ticklish eyelids. He leans in to give them a light kiss...and while Jane giggles in response, Kimberly returns home at that exact moment, witnesses the canoodling, and barks, "What the hell is going on here?!" Jane springs up from her chair as Kimberly calls her a "devious two-faced bitch" and orders her to get out...and when Kimberly sees Matt lurking behind her, she lets out an incredulous guffaw and reminds him that she had banned him from the beach house and accuses him and Jane of taking advantage of a sick and helpless man. Jane and Matt hastily bid Michael adieu...and on her way out, Jane smugly tells Kimberly that she must not have made much of an impression on Michael when they were together, 'cause the only thing he seems to really remember about his personal life is how much he once loved her. She then drops the mic and saunters off, leaving Kimberly glaring after her.

Kathy Ireland spends part of the day tidying up Pretty Lady, then hands Jake a beer and suggests they enjoy another roll in the hay. Jake declines and says he's planning to spend the night in his apartment alone, then reminds her for the umpteenth time that he had only agreed to allow her to stay on his boat for a couple of days, firmly pronouncing, "It ends here." Kathy Ireland responds by pouting about her non-existent abusive husband, and Jake says he just can't adjust his entire life to accommodate unhappy wives on the run. Kathy Ireland accuses him of having a fear of intimacy - but Jake's like, "Nice try" and urges her to move on to a husband who maybe doesn't have such a nasty temper. She continues to implore him to reconsider - but he firmly says no and gives her a final goodbye kiss before exiting the boat. 

Over in Melrose Place, Jane and Chris toast to the newly signed contract. Jane says she feels a tiny bit guilty for exploiting Michael's amnesia for her purposes, but Chris points out that the man is a contemptible cretin who deserves whatever bad things happen to him. A few seconds later, Jane gets a call from Aaron Baker, who informs her that he's looking to make a deal with the D.A. to get Sydney released from the sanitarium and be sentenced to psychiatric probation - but only in exchange for a confession that she tried to mow down Michael with her car.

The next morning while still aboard the Pretty Lady (!), Kathy Ireland laments to Palmer that she didn't get more time to further manipulate Jake into helping them carrying out whatever nefarious plan they're about to set into motion. Palmer motions towards the bedroom and crassly asks, "Is this where you did it?" and Kathy Ireland rolls her eyes and tells him to shut up. Palmer cackles, "I guess you just couldn't hold his interest", then creepily asks how - on a scale of one to ten - she'd rate his sexual performance, and she sassily retorts, "Gee, I don't know, Palmer. Why don't you ask your daughter?", then turns and stalks off. Bwahahaha!

Jo is working a photoshoot when the weird Carters suddenly show up unannounced. As a puzzled looking Jo wanders over to where they're standing, Ma Carter sweetly tells Jo that she and her husband will be there for whatever she needs, and Jo thanks them and wishes them a safe trip home. Ma Carter urges, "Take good care of our baby!" before she and Pa Carter amble off.

Jane drops by the sanitarium to visit with Sydney and tell her she heard that her lawyer really wants her to take a plea deal. Sydney adamantly refuses to sign anything, insists that she's not confessing to a crime she didn't commit, and says she wouldn't put it past the D.A. to use a plea deal as a trick to put her away for a long time.

At the hospital, Matt accuses Kimberly of running over Michael and trying to pin it on Sydney, and Kimberly warns that if he continues to slander her like this she'll slap him with a lawsuit that will cost him a lot, including his job. A unfazed Matt points out that she's pretty touchy for woman who claims to be innocent, and Kimberly chortles as she asks how she could possibly have tucked her lustrous mane beneath a short blonde wig to disguise herself while running over Michael. Matt responds by grabbing at her hair and pulling...revealing that, in fact, she's been wearing a wig to cover her sparse hair follicles underneath. He smugly asks, "Does this answer your question?" and she shoots him a hateful stink-eye and growls, "You're a dead man, Fielding."

That night at the sanitarium, a creepy orderly tiptoes into the sleeping quarters, seats himself at Sydney's bedside, and creepily whispers, "I'm keeping an eye on you." Sydney shoots him a 'the fuckity fuck?' look and assures him she's fine - but he insists it'd be nice to have a guy like him looking after her, declaring, "I want to make you my special girlfriend." Sydney flinches and tells him it'll never happen...and when he leans in and tries to kiss her, she slaps him across the face. He reacts by laughing maniacally and warns that during their "next playtime" he won't be so gentle, then coos, "Sleep tight, pretty girl" ... and a freaked out Sydney tears up as he tiptoes off.

Matt calls Jane from the hospital lobby to report that he confronted Kimberly about running Michael over and can confirm that she does, in fact, wear a wig...meaning that she could easily have worn a short blonde wig as a disguise during the hit and run. He tells Jane they should prolly go to the police and speak up about their suspicions - but Jane says it's a totally moot point now, 'cause Sydney just confessed to the police and is being released on a work probation agreement (at Jane Mancini Designs). A befuddled Matt hangs up the phone, then just happens to run into Kimberly. He profusely apologizes for tearing her wig off the other day, but she just stares at him icily and warns him to watch his step, 'cause a hospital can be a dangerous place to work. She then stalks off, leaving Matt staring worriedly into space.

Back at D&D...in full hearing range of Alison, Amanda tells Billy she just happens to have a vacancy in the Melrose Place building, and he perks up at that and agrees to move into his new bachelor pad asap.

Jane and Chris arrive at the sanitarium to pick up Sydney, who's acting kinda dopey after the doctor ordered she be put on a mild sedative during the release process. She hugs Jane, thanks her for allowing her to complete her work probation at her design company, and politely greets Chris when Jane introduces them. 

Amanda is relaxing in her apartment when she hears a knock at the door...and is stunned to see Palmer on her doorstep.

Jo and Alison are enjoying dinner at Shooters when a deliveryman wanders over and hands Jo an envelop. She signs for it, rips it open, and is horrified to learn that the Carters are suing her for custody of her unborn child. On what grounds, I can't imagine.

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Recap: Inside the county jail, Sydney admits to Assistant D.A. Roger Chambers that, sure, she used to think seriously about killing Michael - but that was only after Kimberly convinced her it was a good idea. She then insists that Kimberly was the one who planned the hit and run that injured Michael, and later planted the blonde wig in her apartment. She calls herself a victim and rails about how Kimberly is the crazy one who hates everybody. Roger doesn't look entirely convinced, but he jots down her allegations and half-heartedly promises to look into the matter.

Over at D&D, Bruce Teller drops by Amanda's office to tell her that word on the street is that Escapade Magazine is shopping around for a new ad agency. Amanda looks intrigued and says it'd definitely be a plum account, then mentions that Alison's new husband works at the magazine. She further explains that since the wedding was called off at the last second and Alison is currently unavailable while she deals with a blechy family issue, she'd be more than happy to reach out to Billy and see if she can get some inside intel on the magazine. Bruce says he likes the sound of that idea, particularly if she's able suss out their financial situation, then exits the office - just as Alison phones from the airport in Wisconsin. She tells Amanda that she's available by phone or fax anytime [which seems kinda challenging in the pre-smart phone era], but Amanda fibs and assures her that absolutely nothing of interest is happening at D&D, and that she should focus solely on publicly outing her pedo dad.

Kimberly brings Michael home to the beach house, and he glances around and tells her he has absolutely no memory of the place. As she helps him into bed, he gushes about how grateful he is to her for taking such great care of him, and she sweetly coos about how much she loves him and assures him that eventually his memory will return. A few seconds later, Assistant D.A. Roger Chambers drops by to question Kimberly about Sydney's accusations that she (she meaning Kimberly) was the driver of the hit and run that nearly killed Michael...and that she also tried to carbon monoxide him to death inside his garage. Kimberly denies both murder attempts, tells him that Sydney is unstable, and that she had approached her to ask about establishing an alibi during the time Michael was run over. She tells Roger she flatly refused, then flashes her engagement ring at him and points to it as proof that she would never do anything to harm her beloved.

Aboard the Pretty Lady (aka Jake's boat), Kathy Ireland gushes to Jake about how super awesome it was to sleep aboard his boat last night, but then laments how lonely it was for her to sleep alone. Jake's like, "Yeah whatevs" and tells her it's long past time she packed up her shit and found somewhere else to squat, and she responds by smoochingly rubbing herself up against him and purring about how grateful she is for his kindness...and that she'd be more than willing to express her gratitude with an orgasmic roll in the hay. Jake once again makes it clear that he has zero interest in hooking up with her, firmly tells her she needs to move on - but she just natters about how loooooong it's been since someone was kind to her, then offers to scamper off to the nearest eatery and pick up some lunch.

In Wisconsin, Alison and Meredith meet with their old family friend and small town lawyer Harry Allen to get the ball rolling with outing their father for sexually abusing them. Harry tells them that the town's residents are going to find it very hard to wrap their brains around an upstanding citizen like Papa Parker being a creepy pedo, then asks if they're both absolutely, 100% certain that the abuse took place. Meredith mutters about irritating it is to her is that he's asking them that, while Alison assures Harry that the abuse did indeed happen, and that their father really really needs to face up to what he's done so that they - his victims - can finally get a decent night's sleep without suffering nightmares. Harry mulls that over, agrees to help them, and says they have a meeting with Judge Thomas tomorrow. He warns that this process won't be easy - but Alison just kind of shrugs and says they've been waiting a very long time to get justice. 

Billy meets up with Amanda at Shooters, where she fills him in on D&D's quest to add Escapade Magazine to their client list. She lays it on thick about how great it'd be for Alison, who would likely handle the account...and when Billy grumblingly points out that Nancy is a tough editor and wouldn't be easily persuaded by him to hire D&D, Amanda says she has a plan and hopes that he's open to doing exactly what she tells him to.

Over at the beach house, Michael thanks Kimberly for making him such a scrumptious dinner. She calls it a labor of love and leans in for a kiss - but he gently pushes her away and complains, "I feel like such an invalid...I don't know how you could be attracted to me." Kimberly solemnly retorts that she knows first-hand what it's like to be horribly injured, then describes the fateful night that she was in the passenger seat of a car being driven by a drunken idiot, and that they got into a terrible accident that left her disfigured. Michael scrunches his face confusedly and says it doesn't look as though there's anything visibly wrong with any part of her, so she pulls off her wig and shows him her sparse head of hair [which I guess is due to her hair follicles stubbornly refusing to regenerate themselves enough to grow out a normal looking head of hair], along with the nasty scar over her right ear. As Michael stares at her hair wisps and scar with a stunned expression, she calls her appearance horrible and starts sobbing - but Michael argues that she's beautiful, gently kisses her scar, and starts amorously smooching her.  

Amanda drops by Jake's boat clutching a picnic basket - but is visibly put off when she encounters Kathy Ireland, who makes it a point to cinch her t-shirt just beneath her ample bosom. She bats her doe eyes at Amanda and tells her that Jake will be back soon - but Amanda snarkishly says she's outa here and tells Kathy Ireland to pass along the message to Jake that he's a lying pig. 

Matt drops by the clink to visit Sydney, who begs him to believe that she's being framed by the very twisted Kimberly (and possibly semi-twisted Michael). Matt says he finds it hard to believe that she had nothing at all to do with the hit and run - but she insists that she did not, begs him to help her, and says she'd prefer to not rot in prison for the rest of her life for a crime she didn't commit.

Over at Jane Mancini Designs, Jane is canoodling with Chris when her father drops by unexpectedly. Papa Andrews explains that he came to L.A. to do whatever he can to help Sydney, specifically hire a lawyer to represent her in court. He asks Jane if she'd like to come with him to the county jail, and she chirps, "Of course!"

Matt drops by the beach house, lets himself inside, and finds Michael in bed...and when Michael stares at him in puzzlement, Matt fills in the blanks about how the two of them know each other: they used to be fellow residents at Melrose Place, then worked together at the hospital. Michael says he doesn't remember much, but gushes about what an angel Kimberly has been, and can only assume they were a great couple. He invokes the car accident that left her disfigured...and Matt is about to tell him the truth about that whole thing when Kimberly suddenly bursts into the room, forcibly escorts Matt to the door and warns that revealing too much information to Michael can unnecessarily confuse him. She orders him to give Michael his space, and makes it clear that he's not welcome at the beach house unless he gets her permission ahead of time.

Sydney skips into the county jail's interrogation room, where her father and Jane are seated, and natters joyously to her father about how grateful she is to him for posting her bail. Papa Andrews tells her he got her a lawyer - and motions to Aaron Baker, who's sitting next to him - then breaks the news that she's being denied bail 'cause she's deemed too much of a flight risk. He adds that the case against her is strong - despite it not being a strong case, since it mostly consists of some pretty flimsy circumstantial evidence. When Sydney insists that she's innocent of trying to murder Michael, her dad scrunches his face into a skeptical looking expression. Sydney then starts railing about how he doesn't love her, eggs him on to outright call her a killer, and angrily says that maybe she should have tried to run Michael over. She gets up and heads over to the door, then turns and wails about how everyone she's ever cared about has thrown her away. She glares at her father and coldly growls, "Maybe someday I'll blow your damn head off." (!)

Mama Parker drops by the Wisconsin hotel where Alison and Meredith are staying and begs them to stay quiet about their molestation claims. Meredith quietly says that she has no desire to hurt anyone, while Alison points out to her mom that their only intention is to bring attention to the truth. Mama Parker snappishly accuses them of putting a knife in her back, wildly pronounces that everyone lies and lives with pain, and mocks her daughters for "wanting to cover your parents with filth". She then shoots them both the stink-eye, says she wishes they'd never been born, and stalks out of the room.

Amanda calls Billy at work to tell him she has a few edits she'd like to make to the detailed report/financial statements he unwisely put together for her about Escapade Magazine. Billy mumbles that he's officially washing his hands of it, says she should feel free to make the changes herself, and hastily hangs up.  

Over at Jane Mancini Designs, Papa Andrews tells Jane he spoke to Aaron Baker and the people who run a local sanitarium to see about Sydney getting forcibly committed so that she can undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Jane says that while she's minimally troubled about forcing her sister into psychiatric care, she reckons it's probably better than letting her continue to languish in a jail cell. She agrees to sign the papers, then takes a moment to sentimentally recall the close relationship she and Sydney had during their younger years. Papa Andrews sadly concurs - but points out that Sydney is not well and is in serious need of some mental health treatment.

Alison, Meredith, and Harry Allen are at the court house, waiting to see Judge Thomas...and the three are startled when the judge's office door opens and Mama and Papa Parker exit the room after what looks like a sympathetically wankish meeting. Mama and Papa Parker saunter past their daughters without saying a word, and when Judge Thomas stares condescendingly at Meredith and Alison and asks, "You girls ready to talk to me?", Meredith suddenly gets frazzled, calls the small town "a joke", and tells Alison she can't do this. Alison argues that the truth is on their side - but Meredith calls their scheduled meeting with the judge "a set-up", rails about how "the whole world is lies", and races off down the hall...leaving Alison staring after her in dismayed bewilderment.

Later at a local diner, Alison tells Harry Allen she figured that Meredith would buckle under the stress, and now regrets pushing her so hard. She says she still feels the need to confront her father in order to get her soul back, and Harry tells her he believes her version of events, and that he's sorry their attempt to bring her shitty father to justice failed so badly. He wryly points out that everyone in town loooooves Papa Parker [despite his general weirdness], and urges Alison to go home and try to forget that any of the abuse ever happened...and Alison weakly agrees that that's all there's left to do.

Over at Escapade Magazine, Nancy Donner informs Billy that she's decided to hire D&D to be the company's new ad agency...and that she met with Amanda Woodward, who had an impressive amount of inside intel on the magazine. She irritably adds that Amanda made no secret of the fact that he (Billy) was the source of all that sensitive information, then angrily calls him out for going behind her back solely for the purpose of benefitting D&D. She snarls, "You're fired!" and orders him to clean out his desk pronto. 

Kathy Ireland is searching Jake's boat, not sure for what. When she hears him returning, she grabs a book and pretends that she's been just sitting there in his absence, innocently reading. Jake scowls at her and again tells her to pack up her shit and leave his orbit - and she responds by canoodling him and remarking that he's clearly been hooking up with the wrong type of woman. As Jake struggles to keep his penile desires from overpowering his resistance to throwing all good sense to the wind, his penis wins out and he starts smooching her back, strips off his shirt before unbuttoning hers, and then the two go at it amorously.

Billy storms over to D&D, bursts into Amanda's office, and snarls at her for spilling the beans to Nancy about his involvement in writing up the report, which - no surprise - resulted in him getting fired. Bruce Teller, who's in Amanda's office at the time, extends his thanks to Billy for going out on a limb to help them lock down Escapade Magazine as a client, then offers him a job at D&D as a senior copywriter. Billy stares back at him in stunned bewilderment as Amanda grins at him knowingly...and the camera pans away.

Alison is on her way to the airport before deciding she's going to stop in at her parents' house and open a giant can of whoopass.

In the back yard of Casa Parker, Papa Parker is wearing a Kiss the Cook apron, and yukking it up with a group of barbecue party guests as he grills steaks. Alison strides over and calls him out for using all the connections he has in this town to avoid facing justice. She loudly says, "We all carry around this dirty little secret that everybody in this town should know", then broadcasts that when she was a little girl, her gross father used to lure her into the basement and do the unspeakable. As the barbecue party guests stare at Papa Parker in stunned revulsion, he yells at Alison to shut up, and explains that all he did was love his daughters. He then turns his ire towards his idiot wife and tells her it's all her fault, chiding, "You were cold, so cold. You hated my touch." He creepily adds that he just wanted a little warmth and understanding, so he figured 'why not use my young daughters to satisfy my carnal needs?' He then acts even more bizarrely when he starts railing at Alison about how women dress so skimpily, but never let men touch them - and she glares at him in disgust and reminds him that she was an eight year old child when he started molesting her. She firmly declares that it was definitely his fault, then triumphantly stomps off...leaving him staring despondently into space while Mama Parker stares at him looking even more despondent.

That evening, Kathy Ireland has a secret meet-up with a man who's smoking a cigar by the side of the road...and when he turns around we see that it's none other than Palmer Woodward (!). She reports that she was finally successful in getting Jake to go to bed with her, and he creepishly coos that that's very goooooood, and declares that he's going to make Jake sorry he ever messed with him and/or Amanda.

As Sydney is escorted out of the county jail, she happily assumes it's 'cause someone posted her bail - but her gaiety abruptly ends when she enters the hallway and sees her father and Jane standing by while men holding a straitjacket advance towards her. She struggles with them as they forcibly put her into the straitjacket...and as they drag her off, she begs her father to believe that she's really really not crazy. 

Recap: Kimberly races inside Wilshire Memorial Hospital, runs over to her boss (Dr. Levin), and makes a point of telling him she's been doing research work at the library all day and just heard that Michael was in an accident. Dr. Levin grimly counters that it was no accident and that Michael's ex-wife (specifying Jane) was arrested for attempted murder and is currently languishing in the county jail. Kimberly pretends to look utterly aghast as Dr. Levin informs her that Michael is being prepped for emergency surgery due to acute cerebral swelling. She remarks, "Hey, that's exactly the same kind of head injury I had last season!", and Dr. Levin nods in agreement - but then gravely adds that, unlike in her case, Michael has a less than 50% chance of survival. A few seconds later, Michael is wheeled into the hallway, and Kimberly hovers over the gurney and cooingly assures him he'll be OK...and as he's rushed off to the operating room, she mutters, "Oh God..", but then gleefully smirks once she's sure that no one is watching. 

Over at Melrose Place, Sydney tiptoes into the entrance area and sees that the courtyard is swarming with police officers. Jo ambles over, startles her by tapping her on the shoulder, and gives her the latest update from the end of last season's finale: Michael was hit by a car in front of the hospital, and Jane was subsequently arrested for attempted murder and hauled off to jail. Sydney pales and is all, "Jane's in jail??" and says she must be freaking out. She tells Jo she doesn't want to talk to the police until after she visits her sister in the clink, then races off into the night.

Over at county jail, Lieutenant Truman is interrogating Jane, who reminds him that she reported her car stolen, which makes it obvious that someone used it to commit the crime, and then park it in front of her office building in order to frame her. An unconvinced Truman scoffs, "Someone who looks just like you?" and Jane's like, "Well d'yuh" and says that the culprit was likely wearing a disguise. A still skeptical Truman points out some incriminating details: 1) she desperately wanted out of her business partnership with Michael, 2) she openly threatened to kill him within hearing range of a large group of wedding attendees, and 3) she disappeared somewhere with no alibi when the hit and run occurred. Jane wisely decides to clam up and demands to see her attorney, and Truman retorts, "Fine, bring in your attorney. That'll just give us more time to build our case against you" ... and after he exits the interrogation room, Jane stares worriedly into space. 

The next morning, Amanda asks Jo if she's seen Jake around, then says he was out all night and didn't call. Jo says she hasn't, and has become so fed up with this annoying Jo/Amanda/Jake love triangle situation that she's throwing in the towel. She firmly declares, "From now on, Mr. Washboard Stomach is all yours" before irritably huffing off.

Billy, meanwhile, is railing at Mama Parker about how weird it is that both Alison and her creepy father are missing after his non-wedding. Mama Parker says that maybe her husband wanted to be the first to know why she was fleeing - but Billy says that that's kinda nonsensical 'cause he was the last known person to have talked to Alison before she disappeared. Mama Parker mutters about how she hoped that all of this unpleasantness involving Meredith and now Alison was over and that her family could start putting things back together. Billy scrunches his dumb face confusedly and asks what in blazes she's talking about - before suddenly recalling Alison's frequent nightmares (of someone chasing after her in the family's cellar) soon after their visit to Wisconsin. He deduces that everything points to Papa Parker being the someone in her nightmares, and comes right out and asks Mama Parker if he molested his daughters. An incensed Mama Parker reacts by slapping him across the face and snarking, "How can you ask such a thing?" As she continues to pretend to know nothing about her molesting shitbag of a husband, Billy says it's the only thing that makes sense, then demands to know where in San Francisco he can find Meredith and (by association) Alison.

Over in Meredith's cute Victorian pad in San Francisco, Alison tells her sister she's been blocking a lot of past trauma from her childhood, and that she really really wants to formulate a plan of action before returning to her L.A. life. Meredith urges her to forget 'bout that, avoid their parents, and start her own family - but Alison says that their dad's abuse has been at the root of every poor life decision she's ever made, as well as the cause of her string of failed relationships. Meredith implores her to stop obsessing on the abuse...and when she announces that she's off to work now, Alison pleads with her to call in sick so that they can put their heads together and figure out what their next move should be. As that's happening, we see that Papa Parker is sitting in a parked car, across the street from the Victorian house, staring perturbedly into space.

Sydney visits Jane in the county jail and says it's glaringly obvious that someone is setting her up, and a wary Jane's like, "Right?" and points out that there's only one person who's sick and desperate enough to plot Michael's demise: her (meaning Sydney). She points out to Sydney that she had a key to her apartment and knew where she kept her car keys...and when Sydney vigorously denies any involvement in the failed murder plot, Jane shoots her the stink-eye, hangs up the jail phone, and stomps back to her cell. Sydney haughtily exits the visiting area, and her abrupt departure is noticed by Lieutenant Truman, who just happened to be standing in the hall at that very moment. 

Jake returns home, reads the 'where the hell have you been?' note that Amanda left on his door, and promptly lumbers up to her apartment. He explains that he spent the night aboard his boat so he could enjoy some much needed me time, and Amanda apologizes for her part in the love triangle/tug-of-war with Jo, then happily announces that Jo has taken herself out of the running 'cause she just can't summon the energy to give a rat's ass about hooking up with him anymore. Jake says he doesn't find it a turn-on that they've made him an objectified prize, and is frankly tired of riding on the coattails of a woman's success while having nothing of his own. He decrees that he's burned out on the very notion of a relationship, and apologizes to Amanda for the unexpected dumperoo. An incredulous Amanda tells him it's always a good idea to try to "find oneself" - but that he shouldn't expect to find her waiting for him whenever he reaches the end of that journey. Jake hastily assures her that he has no such expectations, then beats a hasty retreat.

Sydney drops by the hospital and attempts to visit Michael - but she's stopped by a police officer, who brusquely informs her that only hospital personnel are allowed inside. She peers through the window and sees that Kimberly is in the room, conferring with the other doctors...and a few seconds later, Kimberly excuses herself so that she and Sydney can have a private one-on-one. Sydney scoffs at the notion that she's playing the role of concerned doctor when she was the one who ran Michael down with Jane's car after a failed attempt to poison him with carbon monoxide. Kimberly just kind of shrugs and breezily says it's a moot point 'cause Jane is the official suspect. She then strongly urges Sydney to flee the country...'cause if Jane is somehow released and she (Kimberly) is pressed during police questioning, she may just point the finger at Jane's vindictive sister, who no one would have problems believing is capable of murdering the ex-husband she's on record as hating with a vengeance. 

Hours later, Papa Parker is still in his car, staking out Meredith's Victorian house. Meredith tells Alison she's currently dating a guy she thinks could be the one - but Alison argues that the after-affects of their father's icky abuse continues to hang over them, and is likely the cause of their relationship failures over the years. Meredith abruptly gets up and announces that she's off to get them some takeout for dinner, and Alison says she'll try to decompress from all this past abuse chitchat by taking a shower and putting on a fresh change of clothes. After Meredith heads out, Alison hears a noise coming from the bathroom...and is relieved to see that it's just the window shade flapping against the wall. She closes the window and is heading towards the staircase - when suddenly Papa Parker grabs her from behind, puts his hand over her mouth, and shushingly tells her that they have a lot to talk about. Eeeeeek!

After the commercial break, Papa Parker warns Alison not to scream when he takes his hand away from her mouth, chides her for pulling a runaway bride stunt, and warns that if she goes public with her molestation accusations she'll be the one who's looked upon as damaged goods. Alison tearfully retorts that she doesn't care what anyone's opinion of her is, and Papa Parker points out that she and Meredith turned out great, despite the lingering trauma he inflicted upon them. Alison snappishly argues, "I am not fine!" - but Papa Parker suggests she could be if she continues to keep their secret, returns to L.A. as if nothing happened, and moves forward with her life. Suddenly, Meredith stealthily enters the room clutching a gun and warns the pedo not to move, adding, "I swear to God, I will blow your brains out."

Over at the hospital, Dr. Levin tells Lieutenant Truman he has no way of predicting when or if Michael might regain consciousness, and at this point in time has no idea how successful the brain surgery was...and an unimpressed Truman's all, "Blah blah, I really need to ask him some questions." Lol. A few seconds later, a nurse enters the room and informs Dr. Levin that Michael has just woken up...and Lieutenant Truman races across the hall with Dr. Levin and looms over Michael as he asks him if he saw the car that hit him - but a dazed looking Michael just stares confusedly into space. When Kimberly hovers over him and coos at him lovingly, he looks even more confused and says he has absolutely no idea who she is.

Papa Parker assures his daughters that he didn't come to San Francisco to hurt them, only to prevent them from dredging up his sex crimes so that he never has to face accountability for treating his own children as sexual prey. He points out that he's largely stayed out of their lives in recent years, and that they're happy, healthy, well adjusted adults. Meredith shoots him an incredulous glare as she points out, "I'm, uh, pointing a gun at you...and Alison jumped out of a window on her wedding day. We're a mess!" As she rails at him for wanting to get away with everything, he suddenly lunges at her and struggles to reach for the gun - just as Billy bursts through the front door and runs over to stop the altercation. Papa Parker reacts to Billy's presence by running out of the house and squealing off in his car, and a re-traumatized Meredith huddles against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest. 

Michael says that while he remembers all of the medical training he's ever received, he mysteriously recalls nothing of his personal life...and everyone in the room is all, "Yep, seems totally plausible" - just as Lieutenant Truman's partner enters the room to inform Truman that Jane has requested a meeting with them at the county jail. Truman assumes that she's finally ready to confess to attempted murder and tells Michael
he may not need his eyewitness account of the hit and run after all. 

Billy chides himself for allowing Papa Parker to just run off - but Meredith assures him that letting him go was the right thing to do. She then declares to Alison that, now that they've confronted him for being the disgusting child abuser he is, it's over - but Alison argues that it's their duty to step forward and do everything they can to convince a D.A. to prosecute him. Meredith looks horrified at the prospect and says it'll ruin their lives, then makes it clear that if she intends to go down that path, she's going to have to go down it alone.  

Jane tells Lieutenant Truman she's pretty sure she knows who struck Michael: her sister Sydney, who was married to Michael before things ended very badly. She explains that Sydney had the key to her apartment, could easily have stolen her car keys, and that it was well known that she harbored feelings of deep hatred for Michael. She admits it's awful to accuse her own sister of such a heinous crime, but firmly says she's no longer willing to protect someone who would go so far as to plot murder.

Jake is aboard his boat when he hears an argument emanating from a neighboring boat. The woman threatens to leave, and the man says there's no point 'cause he owns her and will always find her. When the man suddenly cries, "Get back here!", Jake heads above deck, spots a woman swimming towards his boat, and helps her aboard. The pretty brunette - 90s model Kathy Ireland (!) - thanks him and credits him for saving her life. 

Jake provides Kathy Ireland with a towel and a warm drink (topped off with brandy) and tells her he's heading to the mainland tonight and will drop her off so that she can call whoever she needs to call. Kathy Ireland tells him, in case he's curious, the man she was arguing with was her husband...and Jake just shrugs disinterestedly and says, "I'm not." Lol..

Kathy Ireland tells Jake that her husband is rich, powerful, and has connections to a lot of low-lifes...and that earlier she was very frightened he was going to kill her. She tells Jake she'd love it if he could transport her to San Diego or Mexico - but Jake chucklingly reminds her that he doesn't actually know her and therefore has zero interest in getting roped in to help solve her personal problems. 

As Kimberly leaves the hospital for the evening, she encounters Sydney, who says she's increasingly worried that the police are going to start nosing around her bidness now that Jane has implicated her in Michael's hit and run. When she laments that she had both motive and opportunity, Kimberly suggests they use each other as an alibi and tell police that while Michael was getting mowed down by Jane's car, the two of them were enjoying lunch at a seafood stand at the local Farmer's Market. Sydney seems satisfied with that solution and happily scampers off. 

Jake docks his boat and tells Kathy Ireland that this is the end of the line, hands her $50, and suggests she make a beeline over to the nearest pay phone and call someone who can pick her up. Kathy Ireland cries, "How can you doooooo this?", complains about how pissed off her abusive husband is going to be, then dejectedly shuffles off. Jake stares after her concernedly, then lets out an 'arg' noise before rushing after her and telling her she can stay aboard his boat for a couple of days. She thanks him and gives him a happy hug.

​Lieutenant Truman and his partner enter the Melrose Place courtyard to question Sydney about where she was when Michael was struck by Jane's car. She tells them she was having lunch at the Farmer's Market with Dr. Kimberly Shaw until around 2:30pm, and the cops thank her and tell her that they intend to corroborate the faux alibi.

When Alison returns home with Billy, Mama Parker hugs her and laments about how worried she was when she stood Billy up at the altar. Alison tells her she fled to San Francisco to spend time with Meredith before Papa Parker showed up and terrorized them, but then was quickly chased off by Billy. She tells her mother she can cut the shit 'cause it's all out in the open now...and when Mama Parker pretends to have no earthly idea what it's refers to, Alison specifies that she's referring to the sexual abuse that both she and Meredith suffered at the hands of their creepy-as-fuck father. Mama Parker calls Alison disgusting for saying such a thing and asks her why she didn't come to her when it was happening, so Alison explains to the nitwit that at the time she was a frightened child who was understandably terrified of the repercussions of accusing her father of being a pedophile. Mama Parker's like, "Whatevs", says she assured her husband that she's going home to him, and urges Alison not to betray him. After she huffs out, Alison sadly remarks to Billy how supremely fucked up it is that her own mother refuses to stand by her. 

Lieutenant Truman and his partner head over to the hospital to verify Sydney's alibi - as Sydney quietly eavesdrops from around the corner. Kimberly tells the cops that when Michael was struck by the car she was doing research at a nearby medical library...which the check-in records will surely indicate. Sydney pales and is all, "The fuuuuuck?"

Billy brings Alison a tray with soup to her bedroom, then tells her he doesn't think anything good will come of trying to get her father prosecuted for past crimes. He urges her to just sweep it under the rug and concentrate on their future, then leans in for a smooch. When he suggests they drive to Vegas, get hitched, and start their lives together, Alison happily chirps, "Yes!" and returns his smooch. 

Kimberly skulks into the Melrose Place courtyard, breaks into Sydney's apartment, and plants a blonde wig in her underwear drawer. She then murmurs, "Bye, Sydney" as she tiptoes out.

The next day, Lieutenant Truman and his partner arrive at Melrose Place with a search warrant, and Amanda promptly lets them into Sydney's apartment where they quickly find the blonde wig. Truman remarks that Sydney Andrews has some explaining to do. 

Jake runs into Kathy Ireland as she emerges from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. She coos about how much she appreciates him letting her stay aboard his boat, coquettishly wishes there was a way she could repay him, and leans in for an amorous smooch. Jake declares, "We're even" and makes it clear that he has zero interest in being anything but being platonic friends, and she pretends to be A-OK with that, but then reminds him that sometimes platonic friends end up becoming fuck buddies.

Over at D&D, Alison drops by Amanda's office to ask for some additional time off so that she and Billy can elope to Vegas. Amanda rolls her eyes and chides her for fleeing her wedding just 'cause she got cold feet, so Alison tells her she fled the wedding 'cause she suddenly remembered all the abuse she suffered at the hands of her father. Amanda sheepishly apologizes, says if she were in that situation she wouldn't let his past behavior stand, and urges her to pursue prosecution of the sicko. As Alison digests that sage advice, Amanda says she can take off as many vacation days as she likes - but urges her to think carefully about how she's going to use them.

Over in the Melrose Place courtyard, Sydney runs into a smug looking Jane, who says she paid her bail - but that it's a moot point 'cause she's pretty sure that Lieutenant Truman is going to drop the charges now that they have a new suspect: her (meaning Sydney). Sydney argues that Kimberly should be the actual suspect - but when Jane somehow considers that notion too farfetched to be plausible, Sydney vows to leave town pronto in order to escape arrest.

At the hospital, Michael tells Kimberly he had a dream about his overwhelming feelings of love for her, and says he feels safe around her...and she tells him she's totes happy to hear that, and assures him that his memory will return in good time. He then says he also had a nightmare about a demonic redhead wanting to kill him, and Kimberly hastily says it must have been Sydney, then leans to give him a light kiss.

Alison breaks the news to Billy that she's decided to move ahead with outing her father for molesting her, and Billy gets irked and sarcastically says he's grateful that she at least told him to his face instead of leaping out a window and disappearing. He then climbs into his car, angrily barks, "Good luck, I hope it all works out" and squeals off, leaving a bewildered Alison staring after her unsupportive, bitchy man-child of a fiancé. 

At Shooters, Sydney begs one of her waitress friends to loan her some money - but the waitress tells her she's aware that the cops are looking for her and doesn't want to get into any kind of aiding and abetting type trouble. As Sydney turns and tries to flee the bar, Lieutenant Truman and his partner, who have been surveilling her at a nearby table, advance on her...and as she struggles against their grip, they slap a pair of cuffs on her and arrest her for the attempted murder of Michael Mancini.

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Michael and Kimberly are enjoying some post coital afterglow...and when an exhausted looking Michael tells Kimberly how awesomely wild she is, she suggests they go at it again. Michael complains that his penis is worn out and that he'd prefer they talk, so Kimberly brings up the subject of him having sex with Sydney during their short-lived marriage. Michael insists that he only married her 'cause he was blackmailed into it and assures her that at no point did he ever fall in love with the wench, but Kimberly chides him for not standing up to his blackmailer...'cause if he had, the police would have eventually figured out that she was alive. Michael irritably tells her to stop laying these nonsensical guilt trips on him, then self-piteously tells her he greatly suffered when he got addicted to painkillers while recuperating from his injuries. When she reminds him that she was rotting away in a hospital bed waiting for him to visit her, he bellows that he's very very sorry she felt so abandoned during her long recovery and doesn't know how many more ways or times he can say it...and somehow refrains from reminding her that her idiot mother is the one she should blame, 'cause she was the one who told everyone she was dead. Kimberly smugly points out that "the art of conversation just doesn't suit us anymore", then gives him a smooch.

Alison tells Billy she's miffed at her sister Meredith for sending a note (with a return address in San Francisco) declining to attend their wedding. She acknowledges that there's a large age gap between them which precluded them from ever being very close, but can't help wondering exactly what it was that chased her so far away from Wisconsin. A few seconds later, Amanda stops by to haughtily return her bridesmaid dress, sourly says, "Give it to a friend...if you have any left", then angrily declares that she's keeping the beautiful piece of crystal she was planning to give her as a wedding gift. I find it interesting (and fairly odd) that Alison had actually invited Amanda to be in her wedding party.

Jo asks Jake what he plans to tell Amanda, then warns him about how manipulative she can be, and assumes that she'll work overtime persuading him to go back to her. Jake half-heartedly assures her that that won't happen, and that since she (Jo) hooked up with him first, their relationship never really quite ended.

Linda Gray storms over to D&D to admonish Amanda for firing Chas, so Amanda tells her that Chas hit on her in the conference room...then [rewrites history to suit her purposes and] claims that she made it clear to Chas that any hanky panky between them was out of the question. Linda Gray doesn't buy her version of events, insists that Chas loves her, and accuses Amanda of wanting revenge for the way she walked out on her when she was a child. She declares that she and Chas are now more committed than ever...and as she heads out, Amanda barks at her to leave and stay away for good this time. Linda Gray shoots her the stink-eye and bitchily promises that there's going to be hell to pay for firing her boy toy.

Jane is pitching her general approach to fashion design to a handsome department store clothing buyer named Chris Marchette, and he smittenly tells her she's the most beautiful designer he's ever met and invites her to dinner tomorrow night to discuss a potential partnership. 

Alison is ferrying her parents from the airport to Melrose Place and telling them that Meredith has declined to attend the wedding. She wonders aloud exactly why Meredith seems to hate them so much, and Papa Parker evasively says it's prolly all the cult-inspired brainwashing and drugs that have turned her against her family, then abruptly changes the subject back to the wedding. 

Bruce Teller summons Amanda to the conference room, where he and D&D's legal counsel of old white men have been sorting through the agency's latest crisis: the $10 million sexual harassment suit that Chas has filed against Amanda. Bruce chides Amanda for firing the indolent gigolo without his knowledge or consent, and she claims that the suit is an outrageous work of fiction and explains that Chas was the one who came onto her...and that because he's her mother's fiancé, she figured it would be best to quickly get rid of him by bitchily firing him in front of the D&D workforce. Bruce somehow refrains from pointing out that she never should have hired her mother's fiancé to begin with [because: shameless nepotism] and informs her that Chas alleges that he was subjected to "constant and relentless sexual insinuation, flirtations, provocations that made working at D&D Advertising an unbearable experience". The complaint goes on to allege that Amanda made it clear that his primary responsibility was to service her...and that when he refused, she terminated him. Amanda insists that that's a lie, and Bruce coldly says he'd love to believe her - but based on the serious charges Chas is making, the entire company is in some pretty deep shit.

As Mama and Papa Parker are getting settled into Alison's/Billy's apartment [instead of staying at a hotel like normal parents might], Amanda drops by to angrily inform Alison that Chas has filed a sexual harassment suit against her...and makes it clear that she doesn't give even the tiniest of rat's asses that Alison's parents are well within hearing range of her rant. Amanda declares that she's going to win this case, then vows to Alison that when it's over she's going down with Chas. 

A sad looking Sydney has taken to streetwalking in an effort to earn the 5K to repay her debt to Kristian Alfonso. When she approaches a gaggle of hardened looking hookers, they admonish her for invading their turf and order her to relocate herself pronto. Sydney cheekily/stupidly tells them she has powerful friends who could wipe the pavement with their faces, and they respond by pulling out knives, knocking her to the sidewalk, and kicking and punching her. 

Sydney is promptly rushed to the ER, where Kimberly happens to be one of the doctors on duty. Amid the gashes and bruises, she recognizes that the roughed up ho is Sydney and is all, "The hell?" She administers treatment and assures Sydney that she's going to be just fine, then promises that Michael is going to pay for what he's done to both of them. 

The next morning, Amanda spots Jake helping Jo move baby stuff into her apartment. She storms up the stairs and bitchily reminds Jake that they're supposed to be in a relationship, then chides Jo for using her unborn spawn to try to reel Jake back in...and Jo's like, "Leave me out of it, this is between you and Jake." Jake concurs and yells at Amanda that he can't be with someone "who cheats on me every time I turn my back!", and Amanda derisively calls him a loser for always seeing everything as black or white. 

Kimberly drops by Sydney's hospital room and tells her that physically she's going to be A-OK. Sydney explains that the asskicking happened while she was trying to hook her way out of debt, so Kimberly hands her a wad of cash and tells her to get off the streets and get her life together. Sydney scrunches her face in puzzlement and asks her why she's being so nice to her, so Kimberly tells her to meet her tonight at the Griffith Observatory, where all will be revealed. 

Bruce tells Amanda that D&D has agreed to binding arbitration, then explains that it means a judge will listen to testimony and make a subsequent ruling. Amanda says she's all for any process that reveals Chas as the liar he is...and Bruce says he's keeping his fingers crossed that things work out that way, then urges her to come clean about any questionable/sleazy behavior she may have recently exhibited, 'cause apparently Chas is claiming he has an eyewitness whose testimony could be extremely damaging. Amanda plays dumb and says she doesn't have a clue who this witness could possibly be...then makes a beeline over to Alison's desk and says she just heard she's being called as Chas's star witness. Alison confirms that she just got the subpoena and says she's not looking forward to being forced to recollect the icky smoochfest she witnessed. Amanda sheepishly apologizes for her cunty 'tude the other day and says she'd be forever grateful if she were to tell the judge she didn't see anything, but Alison says she can't/won't perjure herself by lying under oath.

Over dinner, Chris wanks Jane about how talented she is and offers her a proposition: he'll supply the funding for her to create an exclusive clothing line for his department store. Jane squeals happily and says she'd be very interested in that kind of partnership - but first will have to convince her silent partner to sign off on the deal.
 
Billy is at Shooters with his college buddy Rob, who he's asked to be his best man. The two drink beer and talk about Billy's wonderment about being the first of the two of them to wed, then chuckle about whether or not Billy's ex, Donna, has any idea he's about to get married. 

Sydney arrives at the Griffith Observatory to meet with Kimberly, who explains that when she was recuperating all those months from the car accident caused by Michael's drunken joyriding, all she could think about was getting revenge. She calls him a monster who needs to be contained, and then put out of his misery...and a stunned Sydney asks her if she's seriously suggesting murdering him. Kimberly calls her murderous intentions justice and asks Sydney if she too wouldn't like to see him dead after all the horrible things he's said and done to her this season. Sydney mulls that over for a few seconds and says that, as a matter of fact she would like to see him six feet under, and Kimberly happily declares that they're going to put their heads together and figure out a way to make that happen. 

Jane drops by the beach house to tell Michael that a department store rep wants to buy a large stake in her design biz, and that she hopes he won't be a dick about giving his consent. When Michael grumbles that he doesn't trust her, she offers to have Chris Marchette explain it to him like he's five, and implores him to pleeeeeease not stand in the way of this once-in-a-lifetime growth opportunity. Kimberly calls her "a condescending bitch" and tells her to go home so they can look over the paperwork and then let her know what they decide. Jane angrily tells her to not talk to her like that, and Michael promises to seriously consider the deal. Kimberly announces that she's off to the hospital, then warns Jane to keep her hands off of Michael before smugly adding, "He's all mine now."

Bruce tells Amanda that D&D's insurance company has suggested they settle the Chas lawsuit for 500K, 'cause the brass is too wary about rolling the dice on the binding arbitration process. Amanda tells him she won't be bullied into signing a false admission of guilt, and Bruce is like 'fine' - but warns that if she loses the case, she'll be fired from D&D and blacklisted throughout the entire advertising industry. (Seems like dickish overkill, but OK.) Amanda sarcastically thanks him for his support. 

Kimberly and Sydney are munching on ice cream and wandering through a park, discussing the various ways they could kill Michael. Kimberly suggests an ocean drowning, but Sydney points out that he's too strong a swimmer...then tells her he had a brief addiction to painkillers. Kimberly chews on that for a few seconds, then says she likes the idea of slipping him an overdose, and promises to flesh out a concrete plan.

Billy, Papa Parker, and the groomsmen are getting fitted for their wedding tuxedos. Billy tells Jake that during all the contentiousness following his doinking of Amanda, he asked Rob to be his best man, and Jake assures him it's fine and that he'll still be there for him as a buddy and groomsman. When Matt wanders over and suggests they all get something to eat, Billy declines 'cause he has to head back to the office, then asks Matt if he wouldn't mind showing Rob around. Matt says he'd be delighted to spend the afternoon with his college pal...who, incidentally, has been surreptitiously setting off his gaydar.

Kimberly tells Dr. Levin that Michael has been severely depressed since being stripped of his Chief Resident status, and that he's been abusing painkillers and alcohol and babbles on and on about taking his own life. As Dr. Levin contemplates why he should possibly give a shit about Michael's inner torment, Kimberly urges him to order Michael to undergo psychiatric treatment as a requirement to remaining employed at the hospital, and Dr. Levin's like 'what could possibly go wrong with forcing Michael into psychiatric care based solely on the recommendation of his revenge-obsessed girlfriend?'

Over lunch at Shooters, Rob tells Matt about his college adventures with Billy...blah blah...and eventually Matt comes right out and asks him if he's into guys. Rob tells him that, yep indeed, he's a gay man, and Matt grins approvingly and blushingly tells him he finds him rather attractive. Mmm hmm..

Alison frets to Billy about having to testify at the arbitration and is worried that Amanda will hate her forever and that stupid Chas will get a huge settlement out of it. She laments opening her big mouth in the first place (as well she should), but then puts part of the blame on Billy for drunkenly partially spilling the beans to Jake about it after his bachelor party.

Matt and Rob return to Melrose Place...and as the two bid each other goodnight, Matt advances on Rob in slo-mo before the camera abruptly cuts away ['cause I don't think '90s primetime shows were allowed to show two men kissing] to capture Billy's wha-a-a-a?? reaction as he glances out of his apartment window just in time to witness the same sex smooch.

While strolling in the marina, Jane tells Chris she's worried that Michael will spoil their business deal 'cause he has a penchant for always ruining the good things in her life. Chris stares at her all smitten-like and says, "Not everything, I hope" and leans in for a kiss. 

A worn down looking Amanda trudges home and finds Jake waiting for her in the courtyard. He tells her he's been thinking about their toxic rollercoaster of a mostly sex-based relationship and has deduced that what they need is space - but a tearful Amanda argues that what she needs is for someone to believe in her. Jake stares at her concernedly, immediately rethinks his space suggestion and gives her a much needed hug. 

Alison is having one of her creepy 'someone is chasing me when I was a small child' nightmares and wakes up screaming for help. Her parents and Billy rush into the room to see whassup...and her mom hugs her while Papa Parker breezily tells Billy it was just a bad dream and heads back to bed, while Billy continues to stare at her concernedly.

The next morning, Jake and Amanda canoodle in bed together, and Amanda purrs about how happy she is that they worked everything out, and that she really really wants to believe that he only likes Jo the way any guy would want to help a friend who's in a jam. She then tells him she'd like his support during the arbitration, and he promises to be there, then gives her a big smooch.

Billy runs into Matt in the courtyard and says he happened to see him and Rob kissing last night, then awkwardly stammers as he ponders whether or not Rob might have been engaging in some, shall he say, sexual experimentation after getting buzzed on the alcohol he drank at Shooters. Matt mulls that over for a few seconds and goes, "Nope, his tongue in my mouth didn't feel like an experiment" and says that Rob's sexual preferences are his own business, and that if he wants to get all in Rob's bidness about it, he should just ask him about it directly.

Arbitration! Chas testifies that he was surprised when Amanda gave him the job at D&D (given his sleazy aura and fake credentials that would have been easy enough to uncover), but figured she did it 'cause she wanted to get into Linda Gray's good graces. He goes on to claim that it soon became obvious that Amanda was interested in his bod 'cause she constantly brought up the topic of sex and seemed to relish the idea of "stealing" him away from her mother. He smarmily declares how much he loooooves Linda Gray and wanted nothing to do with Amanda's sex-fuelled aggression, and says with a straight face that their sexual encounters made him feel cheap. He then testifies that soon after Amanda forced him to nail her on the conference room floor, she fired him in front of everyone at D&D, a trauma that has stained his [non-existent] work record and negatively affected his relationship with his cherished sugar momma. 

Amanda takes the witness stand and tells her side of the story, which is that..

• She did not hate her mother and therefore had no reason to seek any kind of revenge
• She has no sexual designs on Chas...'cause gross
• Chas, however, constantly came onto her in a very icky, lecherous way
• She got so fed up with his amorous flirting that she fired him [which is somewhat of a stretch of what actually happened, but OK]

The judge mulls all that over, then calls for a recess.

While lounging in bed post coitus, Michael tells Kimberly he's not going to sign off on Jane's business deal, but will show up for today's meeting about it for the joy of watching her squirm. Kimberly chuckles and offers to get him a beer before he heads off to the meeting, then goes into the kitchen and laces his beer with a strong sedative.

Back at the arbitration, Alison testifies that Amanda's amiable attitude towards Chas seemed to change after she witnessed them sucking face in the conference room. She adds that Chas had claimed they then had sex...and when Chas's lawyer asks her to speculate on how probable that is, Amanda's lawyer argues that that calls for some pretty wild speculation. The judge is like, "No duh" and says he's pretty much throwing out the window any semblance of "the normal rules of testifying" and directs Alison to answer...and Alison hesitates for a few seconds, but then says that, yep, she could totally see Chas and Amanda bumping uglies on D&D's conference room floor.

As Michael lays passed out on his bed, courtesy of the sedative Kimberly slipped into his beer, Sydney arrives and helps Kimberly transport him into the garage and then into the driver's seat of his car. Kimberly starts the engine and estimates that he'll "be done" in about three hours...and when Sydney remarks that leaving him to die this way is inhuman, a vexed Kimberly tells her to "put a sock in it" and reminds her that Michael is human garbage. She orders Sydney to head to Palm Springs and make sure that people see her there...while she will walk to the Malibu Cantina and "find" him dead when she returns with takeout food. She then shoves Sydney out of the garage, turns off the lights, and closes the door. 

Jane gets impatient when Michael doesn't show up for their meeting and grumbles to Chris about how much her ex hates seeing her attain any amount of success...then decides that they should bring the meeting to him. When they arrive at the beach house, Jane is perplexed by the sound of a car running in the garage and goes inside and is all - ack! - at the toxic fumes. She and Chris drag Michael outside, and Jane administers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation until he finally regains consciousness. Michael looks startled to see Jane hovering over him and cheekily mutters, "That was one helluva kiss", and she slaps his hand away in disgust. 

Wedding Day! As contractors construct a platform over the Melrose Place courtyard swimming pool, Amanda bursts out of her apartment to ask what the hell all the racket is at this early hour. Papa Parker tells her they're building some much needed space for his daughter's wedding ceremony, and Amanda bitchily informs him that she's the owner of the complex and that someone should have run this by her - just as Jo notices a shirtless Jake emerge from Amanda's apartment. Jake sheepishly rushes over to where Jo's standing and weakly tells her "it's not what it seems", then cancels that and admits that it's pretty much exactly what it seems - but Jo cuts him off and says she doesn't have time for his fickleness and goes back up to her apartment.

Alison apologizes to Amanda about her damaging testimony yesterday, and says she was merely trying to do what's right...and Amanda sourly points out that that always seems to end up being bad for her. She then gives the OK for the contractors to continue building the over-the-pool wedding platform, as long as someone cleans everything up afterwards. Amanda then turns her attention to Jake and smarmily asks him if Jo's having "a little trouble dealing with reality", and Jake breezily says she's doing fine, then lets himself be ushered back up to Amanda's apartment to finish "the job" he started for her this morning. Mmm hmm..

A haggard looking Michael mutters, "What a weird night" to Kimberly and how odd it was finding Jane standing over him after he "fell asleep" at the wheel inside the garage. Kimberly grumbles that she wishes Jane would get outa their lives (uh oh), then pretends to think long and hard about yesterday's events and tells Michael she recalls him taking a shower when she left the beach house for her walk to the cantina. She then gives him a hug and coos about how much she loooooves him and "never wants to be scared like that again".

Billy tells Rob that he saw him and Matt kissing last night, and Rob confirms that, yep, he's full on gay and has known this since college. Billy stares at him in stunned befuddlement, then asks if he was ever attracted to him, and Rob's like, "Hell no" and jokes (?) that he's only into mentally stable dudes. 

Jo assures Jake they're still friends, but that they should forever leave it at that (hurray!) ... then heads over to Alison's apartment. She finds Alison decked out in her wedding gown with Jane doing some last minute primping and is all, "Awwww, you look stunning", and Alison tears up and says she's soooo overwhelmed (in a good way) about getting married, then calls Jo and Jane the best friends a person could have. After that, they do the whole 'something old, something new' thing that, by law, every wedding must include.

Michael thanks Jane for saving her life, then breaks the news that he's not signing onto the department store deal, 'cause he wants "their" design firm to remain small and stress-free. Jane shoots him a hateful stink-eye and regrets not letting him die of carbon monoxide poisoning, then loudly decrees that if he doesn't leave her or her business alone, she'll kill him...and the wedding attendees within hearing range are all, "So noted, Jane."

Sydney wanders into the courtyard, and is so aghast to see that Michael is still among the living that she shrieks in stunned shock. Kimberly rushes out to explain to Sydney that their first murder attempt didn't take, and that she'll have to come up with a Plan B.

Papa Parker tells Alison how beautiful she looks on her wedding day and how proud he is of her, then opens his arms wide and creepishly says, "Please tell me you'll always be daddy's little girl." OMG, how gross. As the two hug, Alison begins to tear up...so he murmurs, "Sshh, don't cry" - which triggers Alison into fully remembering all of the grotesque times he molested her in the basement of her childhood home. She abruptly pulls away, stares at him in shocked horror, and calls him a monster for the things he did to her as a child. Papa Parker scrunches his face in faux confusion and weakly says she's not making sense - but Alison continues staring at him in revulsion and cries, "Oh God! You did! You molested me!" As she heads for the door, Papa Parker grabs her, covers her mouth and angrily insists that it never happened...and that if she ever tells anyone it did, he'll kill her.

The wedding guests are getting slightly restless waiting for the bride to emerge...and eventually, Jane sneaks past Papa Parker into the apartment and is shocked when she finds Alison's gown laying atop the bed and the bedroom window wide open. 

Amanda, meanwhile, says she has a meeting and can no longer wait around for this wedding to happen, and haughtily storms off. Jane rushes over to Billy to tell him that Alison is gone...and Billy races into the bedroom and finds a note from Alison assuring him 'it's not you', but that for reasons she won't get into right now, she can't bring herself to marry him. 

Jake tells the perplexed wedding guests that the wedding is being postponed, and Kimberly uses the chaos of the moment to slip into Jane's apartment and steal her car keys.

Amanda arrives at Linda Gray's house and finds Chas lounging in the backyard, reading the paper. He snidely calls her "the loser of the week" ... and when Amanda asks him why he's trying to ruin her life, he openly admits that he's a cheap hustler who lives by his wits, and that Linda Gray's fine and all, but that he can't survive solely on "the crumbs" she's been throwing him. While that's happening, Linda Gray has arrived home with Teri Stevens in tow and is quietly eavesdropping on her boy toy's smug confession. Chas tells Amanda that he's ready to move onto someone his own age, and chortles about how clever he is to have succeeded in making Linda Gray believe that her own daughter lied to her...and that by the time she realizes the lawsuit was nothing but a bunch of phony bullcack, he'll be long gone with the cash. Amanda vows that she won't let that happen - but Chas points out that she no longer has any credibility with her mother, then dismissively declares both she and Linda Gray washed up. 

That evening, Alison arrives at her sister's cute Victorian house in San Francisco...and when Meredith opens the door, the two hug hello in the doorway. 

Jane calls the police to report her car and her car keys stolen, but seems weirdly optimistic that both will be returned to her very soon.
​
As Billy and Mama Parker try to figure out where in blazes Alison might have run off to, Papa Parker breezily says he has no doubt she's fine. An irked Billy reminds him that he was the last person to see Alison, so Papa Parker sourly retorts that when a bride skips out on her own wedding, it usually has something to do with the groom. Mama Parker tells them both to shut it and focus their energy on locating Alison, and Papa Parker promises to talk to the police and assures his wife that their daughter will be found soon.

Alison tells Meredith she finally realizes why she left home all those years ago and cut off all communication with their parents. She then explains that their creepy father said something today that triggered the memory of his basement abuse, and Meredith tears up and regrets running away and not helping her little sister escape what she had endured. The two hug and ponder whether or not their mother knows, then compare their traumatic experiences, which include a standing death threat from Papa Parker if they ever spill the beans on his abuse. 

Back at the arbitration, the judge says he's reached a decision...which, by the sounds of it, is about to go in Chas's favor. Linda Gray interrupts to tell the judge she has some last minute relevant information to share, then testifies that yesterday she overheard Chas chuckling at Amanda about the phony lawsuit...which prompted her to research his marketing credentials, which - shocker - she quickly learned was a pack of lies. A miffed Chas is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!" and tells the judge his sugar momma is out of her mind - but the judge decrees that they're going to go through the accusations in the lawsuit, one step at a time (mercifully off camera) ... and across the room, Bruce Teller gives Amanda a supportive shoulder pat.

​After the lawsuit is thrown out, Chas growls at Linda Gray for being "a crazy bitch" and pretends as though he had been planning to split the lawsuit money with her...and she responds by ordering to pack up his shit and get the hell out of her house. She then strides over to Amanda and apologizes for not believing her, and Amanda politely says she appreciates her coming forward and telling the truth about Chas, but that it's too late for them to have any kind of functioning mother-daughter relationship. Linda Gray accepts that, says she loves her, and that her door is always open if the Melrose Place producers are ever tempted to rehash their story arc.

Meredith tells Alison she can't hide out in her house forever and urges her to call Billy - but Alison doesn't want to do that until after they've confronted their father. Meredith looks horrified by the prospect and says she's too afraid to dredge up the past, and Alison says that since they have each other now, they no longer have to fear the man...and as they're hugging, the camera pans over to Meredith's front yard, where Papa Parker is standing and glaring at them menacingly through the window. Eeeeek!! 

Michael is paged to the lobby of the hospital and is told that Jane called to leave a message that she's waiting to meet him at the coffee shop across the street, and that apparently it's a matter of life and death. Michael mutters, "Boy, this better be good", then exits the hospital and ambles onto the street, where he stands and stares mutely at the car that's barreling straight at him. The driver hits him, then squeals off...and an unresponsive Michael is rushed into the ER, where the doctor treating him solemnly warns, "We're losing him" as his heart is shocked with defibrillator paddles.

Jane is at her design studio when two cops arrive to arrest her for the hit and run murder attempt on Michael's life. When the cops explain that her car was used to perpetrate the evil deed, she tells them she reported it stolen...and one of the cops directs her to look out the window overlooking the street where her now damaged car is parked. She's all, "Wha-a-a?" and tells the cops that this is a horrible mistake - but they ignore her and start reading her her rights and handcuffing her...as she cries that she didn't doooooo anything, that they have the wrong person, and that someone is trying to set her up. 

Recap: The Melrose Place gang is in the hospital waiting room, anxiously awaiting word on Jo's condition following her tumble down the staircase. Over in the exam room, Jo is conscious and chatting with Jake, who urges her to think positively about her baby's wellbeing - just as the doctor enters the room and gives both her and her baby a clean bill of health. He adds that, just to be extra safe, he's going to keep her in the hospital an extra day for observation.

Amanda arrives at the hospital just as Jake emerges from the exam room to tell the gang that both Jo and the baby are OK. As everyone lets out a sigh of relief and starts to disseminate, Amanda reminds Jake he has a boat charter scheduled later today, and he tells her he cancelled it so he could sit vigil by Jo's bedside. When Amanda scrunches her face disapprovingly, Jake points out that Jo doesn't have anyone else...and Amanda mutters about what a lousy excuse that is before huffily storming off.

Billy asks Alison why she seems extra miffed at Amanda lately, so Alison tells him that she witnessed Amanda and Chas kissing in the conference room at the end of the previous episode, and how annoyed she is on behalf of Jake, who's once again getting screwed over by the unfaithful she-devil. Billy urges her to keep mum about what she saw in order to keep the peace, and Alison hems and haws about it before finally agreeing to keep the explosive intel to herself.

Over in the doctors' lounge, Michael tells Kimberly he just got a bunch of financial statements from Jane and is disappointed that her design company doesn't appear to be earning anything. Kimberly asks if she can take a look at the statements, smugly says she has a nose for discrepancies, and promises to look into whether or not Jane's reporting is honest or if she's been engaging in some creative accounting. 

Amanda is startled to find Chas sitting behind the desk in her office...then tells him he shouldn't be in here, and that she has zero desire to discuss last episode's blechy smooch. Chas says he thinks they should discuss it openly 'cause it's all he's been able to think about, and assures her it's totes A-OK to lose control sometimes. Amanda firmly tells him that from now on they're to have a business only type relationship, and Chas just kind of shrugs and goes, "Sure, you're the boss - and I'm not" before sauntering out of the room.

Sydney tells the creepy owner of Body Stocking that she's choosing the stage name Jane, so then he introduces her as Jungle Jane as she takes the stage and struts her scantily clad stuff.

Kimberly drops in on Jane's design studio to express her bitchy concern about all the "red ink" on the financial reports she sent to Michael. She then informs Jane that she took the liberty of calling up the stores she's doing business with and found a huge discrepancy between what's being reported and all of the clothing orders the stores claim they've placed. She threatens to formally accuse Jane of embezzlement if she doesn't correct her "accounting error" ... then suddenly clutches her head as if she's suffering a sudden headache and rushes out of the studio. Jane stares confusedly after her, no doubt thinking, "Mmm...that was really weird."

After a productive client meeting, Amanda applauds Alison and Chas for charming the clients, then announces that she's off to write up a follow-up report for Bruce. Once she's out of earshot, Chas asks Alison whassup with her not blabbing to anyone about the kiss she witnessed between himself and Amanda, so Alison says that whatever game they're playing is too fuckin' weird for her and that she's just going to continue pretending she didn't see nuthin'. Chas tells her he didn't plan on smooching Amanda, who he claims has "a screw loose" and practically raped him on the conference room floor. Alison gives him an ew, gross look and says she really just wants to focus on her job. Chas tries to get her interested in his "plight" and expresses grave concern that Amanda's going to pounce on him whenever they're alone together, but Alison just wishes him a good night and makes a break for the door. As a wigged out looking Alison gathers up her stuff and tells Amanda she's outa here, Amanda glances over at the smirking Chas with a 'hmm, I wonder what that was all about' expression on her face.

Jake and Sarah help Jo up the staircase to her apartment, and she thanks them for their help before retiring to her bedroom for a nap. Jake asks Sarah if she has any idea where her shittheaded boyfriend Hank might be hiding out, so she tells him that there's a bar on Sunset Boulevard he likes to sometimes hang out in and shoot pool. Jake says he's going to head over there to see if he can nab the creep...and on his way out, he runs into Amanda, who invites him to attend her mom's birthday dinner (at the behest of Chas, who seems intent on the two of them reconciling). He agrees to meet her at the restaurant once he takes care of a few things...and Amanda snarks that she hopes these things don't include Jo. Jake chides her for not being very understanding where Jo's concerned, and she wryly says she could be, but doubts it'd get her anywhere.

Alison is staring out the window at Jake and Amanda and remarking to Billy how shitty she thinks Amanda is for stringing Jake along. Billy tells her to forget about the Amanda/Chas smooch she witnessed, then changes the subject to his upcoming bachelor party that Michael was somehow put in charge of planning. Alison remarks that Michael is just sleazy enough to guarantee that everyone will have a great time, then starts unbuttoning her blouse...and when he asks whassup with her disrobing, she explains that she's seducing him in order to get him to be so sexually content and fulfilled that whatever Michael tries to tempt him with at the bachelor party won't have a chance of taking root.

Jake finds Hank hanging in the Sunset Boulevard bar and snidely tells him he's a friend of the woman he pushed down the stairs, and is happy to report that she and her unborn spawn are A-OK. He then warns that the cops are looking for him so he might want to hightail it out of L.A., like pronto, and Hank responds by swinging a pool cue at Jake, who ducks and then gives Hank a well deserved punch in the face. The two get into a punching/wrestling match before Jake fully kicks his ass and snarlingly warns him that the LAPD is on its way.

Over at the hospital, a man with a ruptured appendix, who makes it a point to tell the medical staff that he's allergic to penicillin, is on his way to the OR, and Michael says he's ready to scrub in and perform the life-saving surgery. Kimberly grabs the man's chart from the nurse, heads over to a vacant room, and decides 'why not risk this hapless patient's life by removing the penicillin warning from his chart for the purpose of getting Michael into trouble?'

Linda Gray arrives for her birthday dinner with her top model, Teri Stevens, in tow and looks surprised - but happy - to see Amanda in attendance. Jake arrives soon after, but isn't wearing the required tie to dine in the swanky restaurant and so is given a loaner. Amanda rushes over, notices his bruised face and rolls her eyes as she assumes he got into a scuffle while once again defending Jo. She calls his constant protection of Jo ridiculous, and that if she were to carry on this way he'd be furious. Jake pissily insists, "I can have my own friends, you know", then gets so vexed by her snide 'tude that he rips off the loaner tie and storms out of the restaurant.

Hank calls Sarah to tell her he's leaving L.A., and assumes that she'll be back home before long and beg for his forgiveness. He bitterly says he'll tell everyone back home how well she's doing, then abruptly hangs up to catch his bus. Godspeed, douchewad! Sarah sadly tells Jo that Hank is on his way back to the Midwest and moans about how he was her first boyfriend, but Jo's just like, "Whatever. Good riddance" and gives her young friend a comforting hug.

Kimberly sneakily reattaches the penicillin warning to the hapless patient's chart and scurries off - just as the machines attached to his vitals start beeping and a nurse rushes out to the hall to yell, "Code blue!" Kimberly and Dr. Levin rush over to administer life-saving treatment, and Dr. Levin asks who in the hell gave the man penicillin when there's a clear warning about the allergy on his chart. When one of the nurses tattles on Michael for ordering the potentially deadly medication, Dr. Levin says he wants a full report detailing how this happened, then tells Kimberly that if Michael screwed the pooch on this case, he's in deep shit. Kimberly glares into space while muttering, "Wouldn't that be a shame."

Jane meets with her tax attorney, who advises her to keep Michael's coffers full if she wants to avoid legal trouble and keep Michael out of her life. 

Dr. Levin tells Kimberly it's looking bad for Michael and that he's shocked at the negligent level of sloppiness Michael allegedly demonstrated regarding the patient's penicillin allergy. He then tells Kimberly it's possible that someone (who has a psychotic ax to grind with Michael, for instance) could have removed the caution tag and replaced it later...and when she faux innocently asks, "Why would someone do that?", he smiles and says he's not going to ask that question and will merely send his findings to the board. He then chuckles and tells her she's a very complicated woman, and she smilingly thanks him for letting her get away with nearly killing a patient, not to mention fucking with the hospital's potential liability in the matter, in her vengeful quest to stick it to Michael.

Linda Gray drops by D&D to check in on her boy toy and thank Amanda for joining her for dinner last night. Amanda tells her that Chas left early to attend Billy's bachelor party - despite him not being friends with Billy and barely knowing the Melrose Place menfolk - then asks her how well she knows the brazen gold digger. Linda Gray shrugs and says, "As well as I need to" and insists that they're deeply in love despite the twelve year age difference. Amanda says that this relationship won't have been worth it if he hurts her, but Linda Gray assures her that she's somehow convinced herself that that could never happen.

Jane stops by the hospital to drop off the profit check for Michael...and when she's unable to find him, she gives the check to Kimberly and tells her she's mostly doing this to keep them both out of her hair. Kimberly chuckles and tells Jane she's not another Sydney and doesn't give a damn about being remotely involved in her life...and Jane just shakes her head wearily and exits the doctors' lounge. 

Alison and Jo are playing cards in Jo's apartment when Sarah blurts out that she thinks Jo and Jake make the perfect couple. Alison says she can't help but agree, and Jo admits that she can't deny her lingering feelings for the meaty stud and wonders what might have been if he hadn't dumped her. Alison points out that Amanda is a cheater and that she and Jake "are not a done deal" - but Jo argues that any opportunity she had to couple with Jake is gone and that she simply has to accept it. 

Billy's bachelor party is being held at Body Stocking...and as Michael toasts the imminent end of Billy's bachelorhood, Jungle Jane takes the stage and begins shaking her naughties. Sydney removes her bra and unwittingly throws it straight at Michael...and when she finally realizes that the Melrose Place menfolk are in the audience and have been watching her humiliating live nude girls act, she shrieks in horror and flees backstage. The club's manager promptly fires her, and Michael chases Sydney outside to laughingly tell her her stripper routine was "a real class act", then gives her a wad of cash as a tip and places her bra atop her head while cackling like a rabid hyena.  

Later, Jake deposits a drunk Billy in his apartment, then asks Alison if she's seen Amanda this evening and remarks that he's been calling and calling her. Alison says she hasn't seen her and calls him "amazingly trusting" ... and Billy drunkenly blurts out that Jake needn't worry 'cause Chas was with them the whole night. Jake's all, "Wuh? Care to explain that remark?", so Alison spills the beans about how she witnessed Chas and Amanda kissing at D&D. She adds that Chas claimed it got pretty hot and heavy, then implores Jake to finally come to the realization that Amanda is not right for him. An enraged Jake immediately storms over to Amanda's apartment to ask if "what Alison is saying is true" (!) and asks her if she's sleeping with Chas. Amanda assures him she isn't, gets supremely irritated when he makes it clear that he doesn't believe her, and snarls, "You bastard!" before ordering him to get the hell out of her apartment. 

Dr. Levin tells Michael that his Chief Residency has been revoked by the board on the grounds that he negligently endangered a patient's life. Michael's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and demands that he overturn the decision otherwise he'll tattle about his penchant for hiring hookers, but Dr. Levin says that the staff from the hospital's legal department is now involved and that there's really no way he can make this go away. He gleefully adds that he looooves seeing someone who's had it coming for so long finally get the justice he so richly deserves.

The next morning at D&D, Amanda storms over to Chas and, in full hearing range of what looks like the entire D&D workforce, calls him a "pathetic, sick excuse for a man" and fires him. She then storms over to the conference room, where Alison's prepping for a client meeting. She berates Alison for deliberately destroying her relationship with Jake and vows to "do you the way you did me" and make her life at D&D such a living hell that she'll wish she'd never been born. It remains unclear why D&D's Human Resources department has never been asked to call out Amanda on her tendency to use personal grudges to foster what looks like the world's most toxic work environment. 

Jake tells Jo he's definitely, absolutely, for sure this time on the outs with Amanda and wants to go back to resuming their dull-as-fuck relationship. Jo moans, "OMG, don't dooooo this to me", but Jake insists that she's the only person to whom he can ever really open up. Jo says she doubts seriously that Amanda will just go away, so he tells her that this change of heart has nothing to do with Amanda and everything to do with him not being able to be relationship-less for more than five fucking minutes. 

A skimpily clad Sydney goes to the bar where Kristian Alfonso and her ho posse are drinking...and when Kristian Alfonso spots her and motions her over, she happily scampers across the bar and says she really really wants her old job back. Kristian Alfonso orders Sydney a martini, then declines the opportunity to rehire Sydney and says she doesn't deal in tramps...and says this as if she isn't the head of a seedy L.A. prostitution ring. Sydney responds by throwing the martini in her face, and as the bouncers forcibly escort her out, Kristian Alfonso reminds her she still owes her 5K. Sydney is bitterly muttering to herself about the tramp remark when a guy in a convertible pulls up and offers her $200 for a sex romp in a nearby motel. Sydney decides 'sure, why the hell not become a full on streetwalker?', gets into the passenger seat, and tells the john he's getting a helluva good deal.

Over at the hospital, a bummed Michael tells Kimberly he's been stripped of his Chief Resident title, and Kimberly pretends to be sympathetic and offers to cheer him up by cooking him a nice dinner. When he tells her he's far too glum to be cheered up by food, she shows him the 5K check she got from Jane and suggests she use it to open a joint bank account. Michael agrees and says he's been meaning to suggest that, and Kimberly dryly says, "Of course you have" and heads out. She drives over to the industrial part of town for a secret meet-up with a shady looking guy. She tells him she wants to off someone and is willing to pay 5K, and he laughs and informs her that a professional hit costs upwards of 50K...and that if she doesn't have that kind of dough, she should just execute the person herself. As he saunters off, Kimberly murmurs to herself, "Then that's exactly what I'll do."

Recap: Amanda tells Alison that since they've been getting slammed with so many new client accounts, the D&D powers-that-be have decided to create an opening for a second Junior Account Executive. Amanda invites Alison to be a part of the hiring process, given that she'll be working so closely with this new person, and a pleasantly surprised Alison perks up at that and thanks her for the opportunity.

Over at the hospital, Sydney complains to Matt about how horrible her life has been ever since Kimberly returned from the dead...and Matt's like, "Go tell someone who gives a rat's ass", tells her she's finally getting what she deserves, and stomps off. Sydney then runs into Kimberly, who asks her what in the hell she's doing at the hospital...and when Sydney haughtily says she's looking for her husband, Kimberly grabs her and yanks her into the nearest vacant exam room. Sydney defiantly tells her she's old news and doesn't care that she's been suddenly resurrected by the Melrose Place producers, and Kimberly snarlingly calls her "an opportunistic little bitch" who's dumber than she looks if she actually believes that her blackmail-fueled shotgun wedding is going to protect her from a crazed woman bent on revenge. She warns her to stay away from both her and Michael or else, confirms that 'yes, this is a threat so you should be scared', and stalks out of the room.

Linda Gray drops by D&D at lunchtime, and Amanda tells her mom she's thrilled about their lunch date, then says she's been sooooo busy all morning looking at resumes for a new Junior Account Executive. Linda Gray's like, "Really?" and tells her that Chas just happens to have an extensive background in marketing, and Amanda somehow manages to keep a straight face at the obvious load of bullcack Chas has been peddling and says, "Really? I had no idea." Linda Gray then breaks the news that she can't make lunch - but that Chas is free [him currently being unemployed and all], and that she should use the opportunity to exercise a little nepotism and offer the job to her vapid boy toy.

Jo is photographing models frolicking in the sand in D&D's never-ending beach photoshoot when Sarah Owens wanders over with her boyfriend Hank. After being introduced, Hank smarmily tells Jo he just moved to L.A. to possessively hover his gal to ensure that she stays normal while working in this "twisted business", then sourly adds that it's inevitable someone with sleazy intentions is going to take advantage of the naive eighteen year old model. Jo assures him that the modelling business isn't always a total snake-pit, and Hank's like 'yeah whatever' and says he was super relieved when Sarah's new friend Jo turned out to "just be a woman". Sarah stupidly giggles, "Isn't he the sweetest?", and Jo somehow restrains herself from coming right out and telling her that no, Hank isn't remotely sweet, and that he comes across as a pissy little man-bitch.

Over lunch, Amanda tells Chas she has to consider other applicants for the Junior Account Executive job, but that he can take part in the process like everyone else by coming to D&D for an interview later in the week. Chas tells her he really really wants the job, apologizes for rubbing her leg with his foot the other night ('cause blech), and "explains" that he's just a harmless flirt. Amanda mulls that over, says if she hired him their relationship would be strictly business, and asks him to articulate why he thinks he's a worthy candidate...and so he rattles off his mostly fake credentials:

• A degree in Marketing
• Two years of experience in a New York advertising agency
• Three years of experience as a media consultant 
• Young and aggressive

Amanda makes it clear that her work means everything to her and that she expects everyone on her team to share this sentiment, and Chas assures her that he'll be more than happy to pretend to do exactly that. 

In the hospital parking lot, Sydney spots Michael getting into his car, so she runs over and says he can't possibly want to dump her and go back to Kimberly...and he's like, "Watch me." Sydney tells him that Kimberly has become mad as a hatter, and that earlier she grabbed her arm and threatened her. Michael chuckles and says he'd like to break her arm, snappishly tells her she's his ex-wife, and orders her to back away from the car so that he doesn't run over her toes. 

​Alison enters Amanda's office to report that she's carefully hand-selected some promising resumes for the new Junior Account Executive position, and Amanda's like, "That's nice, but I already hired someone" and then introduces her to Chas, who's been quietly standing on the other side of the room. When Alison remarks on how quickly this came about, Amanda tells her that Chas is her mom's future husband and so she figured 'why not throw all common sense out the window and skip a proper recruitment process by hastily hiring a shady creep I haven't bothered to properly vet?' It's interesting that Amanda somehow didn't learn her lesson about the perils of hiring weird men on the spot so soon after the Ted Ramsey debacle. Alison asks to speak to Amanda in private so that she can call her out on the dickishness of promising to involve her in the hiring process only to pull the rug out from under her by doing something as unprofessionally boneheaded as hiring her mother's fiancé without so much as an interview. Amanda chides her for not acting like more of a team player, and then the two glare at each other in mute loathing.

Michael returns home and finds Kimberly standing on the deck of the beach house, staring out at the ocean. She tells him she's still pretty miffed about how quickly he got over her "death" and married/slept with Sydney. Michael explains that he only did that 'cause, aside from being blackmailed, he was so crazed with grief and loneliness. Kimberly tells him she "understands it all now" and says she had an out-of-body experience while she was in a coma, which brought her to the other side...and that once she regained consciousness, she decided she was never going to compromise herself for a man ever again. She firmly tells Michael that from now on they're going to be doing things her way, and then gives him a forcible smooch.

Jo is photographing Sarah aboard Jake's boat, asking whassup with her being in a relationship with an insecure moron like Hank. Sarah dreamily says they're high school sweethearts, that he's a farmer by trade, and that they've gone through plenty of rough times, but always work shit out [not least 'cause she's still too young and simple-minded to realize she deserves far better].

Sydney is hanging with her stable o' hos by the Melrose Place pool and giddily tells them it's their new headquarters. The hos look thrilled by the arrangement and wank Sydney about what a natural she is as their new pimp. A few seconds later, Amanda enters the courtyard, stares at the hos with distaste, and pulls Sydney aside so they can speak privately. She tells her that the pool is for tenant use only and orders her to ask her friends to leave - but Sydney argues that, according to her lease agreement, she's permitted to have guests on the premises. She then informs Amanda that she's hosting a party tonight, and clarifies that since it's a ho's only type affair, she's not invited. 

Jake informs Jo and Sarah that the boat's engine is pooched, which essentially means they'll be stuck at sea until someone can speedboat over with whatever mechanical part needs replacing. Jo and Sarah says they're A-OK with that, while Jake laments missing a scheduled dinner with Amanda, her mom and Chas. 

Amanda arrives at the restaurant and tells Linda Gray and Chas that Jake can't make it 'cause he's stuck out at sea. Linda Gray proposes a toast to Chas's future at D&D, and Chas toasts Amanda by calling her "my new boss, and a great woman". Linda Gray looks slightly put out by the compliment, then hastily recovers and says that naturally Amanda's so great 'cause she takes after her side of the family. Amanda remarks to her mom how much her dad would love seeing them dining out together and getting along so well, and Linda Gray reacts by pissily bitching about how the manipulative hustler forbade her from seeing her own daughter. She and Amanda then bicker back and forth about the shittiness/virtues of Papa Woodward...blah blah...until Amanda abruptly gets up from the table and makes a beeline for the exit. Chas gets up and rushes out after her and nonsensically explains that Linda Gray runs a ruthless business, and that sometimes her ruthlessness crosses into personal life territory. Amanda politely thanks him for being so understanding, then urges him to get back to the table and finish having dinner with his sugar momma.

Jake tells Jo that his relationship with Amanda is going great, except for the part about her not being much of a family person - while he, on the other hand, dreams of one day having a family. Jo tells him that she currently has zero male prospects on the horizon, then wanks him about what a great father he'll be if/when the time comes. Jake perks up at that last thing and leans in for a kiss, but Jo snaps, "Don't" so he quickly backs his face away.

Ho party! The stable o' hos tell Sydney how impressed they are with all the food and champagne she's providing them with, and that they absolutely looooooove being together again. A few seconds later, Kristian Alfonso makes a dramatic entrance and condescendingly shrieks, "You call this a party?!" and explains that her lawyer finally got her released from jail on a technicality. She turns the stereo off, announces to everyone that they're all heading over to her luxury pad so they can really party, then turns her attention to Sydney. Once the apartment has been emptied out, she stonily informs Sydney that she owes her 15K, and Sydney's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and reminds her that they had agreed to a 50/50 split of the profits. Kristian Alfonso smirkingly replies that she remembers it being more like 75/25...and when Sydney protests, Kristian Alfonso's henchman smashes one of Sydney's wall photos while glaring menacingly at her. Kristian Alfonso says she wants her money asap...and when Sydney says that all she can scrape together is 10K, Kristian Alfonso says she has until the end of the week to come up with the rest. And that she won't be permitted to rejoin her prostitution ring as a means of working it off.

Amanda makes it clear to Jake that she's miffed at him for not making last night's dinner and complains about how she's never a priority for him. When he sheepishly says he wants to make it up to her, she invites him to dinner tomorrow night and warns that he'd better show up or else. 

Chas is yukking it up with Bruce Teller and suggesting they start up a weekly D&D poker game. Bruce is like, "Great idea!" and offers his Brentwood house as the venue, and lays it on thick - in full hearing range of Alison - about how much D&D needs a great Junior Account Executive like him around. Once Bruce is out of earshot, Chas hands Alison the report he's supposed to have done by the end of the day and tells her to get busy...and when she's all, "The fuck? I have my own work to do!", he cheekily reminds her that Amanda had decreed that her job is to help him out, then smugly adds, "Now would be a good time for you to start doing it" before sauntering off.  

Sarah desperately bangs on Jo's apartment door...and when Jo lets her inside, she tearfully explains that Hank slapped her around after once again becoming enraged about her modelling career and all the time she spends time around men who aren't him. Jo gives her a comforting hug, urges her to not go back to him, and invites her to stay at her place for awhile.

Over at the hospital, Kimberly summons Michael to a vacant exam room, removes her lab coat to reveal that she's wearing nothing underneath but a red bra and panties, then sucks his face in yet another amorous smoochfest. She then slides her hand to his nether regions, and he closes his eyes dreamily and looks totes into getting pleasured while he's supposed to be on duty.

Sydney goes to Jane's apartment to beg for her sister's compassion, apologize for having behaved so hideously during the last several episodes, and cry in desperation about how scared she is 'cause she owes her former pimpette a lot of money. Jane firmly says she won't help her anymore, can no longer pity her, and half-heartedly hopes she finds her way out of this self-inflicted money conundrum. She then closes the door in Sydney's face, and Sydney repeatedly bangs on it and pleads for her help...and Jane is reduced to tears as she leans against the other side of the door while staring mournfully into space.

Jo drops by Jake's place to let him know that Sarah is staying with her for a little while after being smacked around by her abusive turdpile of a boyfriend. She asks if he wouldn't mind being on the lookout for Hank tonight in case he comes looking for Sarah, but Jake says he can't do it 'cause Amanda'll put his nuts in a vice if he cancels out on one more of their dinners. A few seconds later, Amanda calls to confirm their dinner plans, and gets annoyed when Jake tries to pin down an exact start time for their dinner and chides him for not wanting to be with her 100%. Jake assures her he's committed to their dinner plans and that tonight he's all hers.

Sydney enters a strip club called Body Stocking, featuring the ever classy Live Nude Girls signage on the building's exterior. She tells the creepy looking manager she'd like to apply for the job opening as stripper, says she has lots of pole-dancing experience, then admits that she's only in this sleazy dive 'cause she needs to earn a lot of cash pronto.

​Dr. Levin tells Kimberly how happy everyone is that she's returned from the dead, then advises her to not continue pursuing a relationship with Michael. He urges her to break it off and makes it clear that he has zero respect for the man...and Kimberly leans in close and tells him not to worry 'cause she's on a mission, and that very soon all will be revealed about her nefarious plans. 

Billy arrives at D&D to pick up Alison so they can head over to a catering appointment. Alison complains to him that she's swamped with work 'cause of the lazy moron Amanda just hired, then abruptly decides to march over to the conference room and give Amanda the what for for hiring her future stepfather, a man who's proving himself to be more asshole-ishly inept than she originally feared. 

Chas, meanwhile, has entered the conference room, where Amanda is moping about Jake's lackluster attitude about tonight's dinner. Chas gushes about how amazing she is, then caresses her hand and coos about how she's a one-of-a-kind, precious flower to whom even Linda Gray cannot hold a candle. He leans in for a smooch, and despite it seeming totally out of character for the supposedly savvy and sophisticated Amanda to fall under the spell of a brazenly sleazy jerkwad like Chas, she totally gets into it and smooches him back. As that's happening, Alison happens to wander over and witnesses the kiss...and her 'the fuck?' reaction is witnessed by Chas, who makes sure she gets an eyeful before drawing the blinds. 

Hank storms over to Melrose Place and is banging on Jo's door, demanding that she open up...and Jo tells Sarah she'll handle this lunatic and stupidly opens the door. Hank barges in past her, grabs Sarah, and decrees that they're leaving L.A. Jo rushes out after them and threatens to call the police, then cries out to Billy and/or Matt for help just before Hank flails his arm in her direction and shoves her down the staircase. Sarah watches in horror as Jo topples down the stairs in slo-mo...and the camera zooms in on her lifeless form.

Recap: After getting up early and ambling around the apartment in her bathrobe, Alison climbs back into bed with Billy, kisses him awake, and coos about how much she's missed getting it on with him. Billy reminds her that she was the one who put a pause on all hanky panky until after the wedding, and she's like 'screw that' 'cause she can't wait another second to ride his baloney pony.

Michael and Sydney are blissfully walking along the beach, drinking their morning coffee, when Sydney announces that after tonight's ho soiree, she's getting out of the hooker biz for good...and will, from tomorrow on, be content to be a doctor's wife and devote herself to taking care of her man. [Seems like a grand departure from her previous episode's smugness about out-earning Michael even if he were the Surgeon General, but OK.] Michael says that having a full-time housewife sounds great and gives her a smooch...then glances over at the beach house and sees a woman who looks startlingly like Kimberly ambling along the deck. He mutters, "No, couldn't be" ... and when he glances over at the beach house again, she has predictably disappeared. 

Later at the hospital, Michael tells Matt he's starting to see Kimberly everywhere and thinks that maybe his conscience is getting the better of him. Matt's like, "Uh, you don't have one" (LOL) and thinks he's overreacting about the hallucinations and assures him that Kimberly is most probably dead. 

Jo is shooting photos of female models playing volleyball on the beach...and we get what seems like a very loooooong montage of scantily clad nubile bodies posing for the camera, which serves as our first glance at the short-lived Melrose Place spin-off, Models Inc. A few seconds later, Amanda storms over and berates Jo for hiring a Models, Inc. model, then bitchily informs her that D&D never uses that agency. When she orders Jo to fire the Models, Inc. model - a bubbly fresh-faced lass named Sarah Owens - a horrified Jo says she can't bring herself to do that, especially considering the 'no Models, Inc. models' policy was never actually communicated to her...so Amanda brusquely summons Sarah over, tells her to change back into her regular clothes and fuck the fuck off for committing the crime of joining the wrong modelling agency.

Alison is on the phone with her dad, who informs her he's gifting her the services of an expensive Beverly Hills wedding planner to help her successfully pull off the grand affair. When Alison tells Billy about her dad's generousness, he makes an ew face and says he thought the wedding was going to be a small, informal gathering of their family and friends...and Alison sheepishly says she has a hard time saying no to her parents and urges him to at least be open to meeting with the wedding planner. She gives him a big smooch, and soon the two are getting it on atop the kitchen counter. 

That evening, during a violent thunder storm, Michael is reading in bed when he hears a door open and close. He goes into the kitchen to investigate and is - ack! - aghast to see Kimberly Shaw standing across the room staring at him. She stonily says, "It's nice to see you again, Michael", and a freaked out looking Michael asks her if it's really her standing in his kitchen. She grins and says, "Of course it's me", invites him to touch her, and says that rumors of her death were premature. She explains that while she was in a coma for months, her mother told people she was dead so she wouldn't be tempted to resume their shitty relationship if/when she regained consciousness. Michael moans, "God, how I've missed you", and apologizes for nearly killing her when he got behind the wheel after drinking like a drunken sailor. She tells him to not worry 'bout that [for now, at least], then says she has to go 'cause tomorrow she has a big day at the hospital. She tells him to 'sleep tight', then whirls around and flits through the patio doors in a weird, ghostly fashion.

The following morning, Sydney smooches Michael good morning, and he stares into space, his face scrunched all discombobulated-like. He pushes her away and mumbles about how he needs to get to the hospital asap, then staggers over to the bathroom.

At D&D, Alison asks Amanda if she can book a few personal days to meet with her new wedding planner, and Amanda sighs and points out that she's just now concentrating on her work after her various relationship dramas and should be able to do all of her wedding stuff on the weekends. When Alison insists that she needs more time than that, Amanda allows her to take one day off - just as Bruce Teller storms over and bitchily summons Amanda to the conference room now.

​Bruce informs Amanda that he just got a phone call from the CEO of Models, Inc., and that she's majorly pissed at D&D 'cause one of her models was fired for no reason. Amanda admits to firing the model and calls her decision "unfortunate, but necessary" - but Bruce accuses her of demonstrating a cunty pattern of boycotting Models, Inc. whenever she casts for D&D photo shoots, expects her to grovel to the agency's CEO at a meeting later today, and warns that if she ever does anything like this again, she'll be out of a job.

Over at the hospital, Kimberly is settling back into her old job. She tells Michael that the hospital staff keeps looking at her like she's a ghost...and he's like, "Uh, speaking of you being assumed dead.." and breaks the news that, in her absence, he was blackmailed into marrying Sydney. Kimberly breezily tells him she doesn't give a shit, orders him to get rid of the red-haired tart, and gets all in his face as she aggressively declares that she's come back to reclaim what's hers. She then gives him a forcible smooch before grinning maniacally.

Alison and Billy meet at a restaurant with the wedding planner, a woman named Sheila who quickly proves to be a brash, overbearing snoot. She natters about the awesomeness of the restaurant's chef and suggests they book him right now to cook their wedding feast, then rushes off to get menus. Alison dismayingly tells Billy she doesn't like the way Sheila has suddenly taken over the planning of their big day, but Billy points out that the important thing is that they're getting married (or...as it turns out, not).

Michael stops in at the beach house over the lunch hour to inform Sydney that he wants..

• A divorce
• For her to get the hell out of his house, pronto

A stunned Sydney asks this is a cruel joke, and reminds him that they just agreed she'd spend her every waking moment catering to his needs...then warns that if he dumps her, she can (and will!) do him a great deal of harm. Michael repeats his desire for an immediate divorce and orders her to pack up her shit and get out, and an enraged Sydney threatens to ruin him and decrees that she controls what happens to him. Michael retorts, "Not anymore" as a stupefied Sydney flees the room. 

Jane gives Sheila a preview of the wedding gown she's been cobbling together for Alison...and Sheila gushes about the stunning beadwork, but then in private mocks the dress to Alison and Billy, derisively remarking, "That thing is practically eggshell." She says she was only being nice to Jane's face 'cause she has manners [though clearly not enough business savvy to know it's bad form to badmouth a client's friend] and snootily criticizes the dress design for being "very last year". A miffed looking Alison insists that she loooooves the gown - but Sheila rolls her eyes and is all, "Whatever", insists on arranging for Billy - who she keeps referring to as William - to get fitted for an Armani suit, then rushes off to her next appointment. 

Amanda is summoned into the D&D conference room to forcibly grovel to the Models, Inc. CEO, aka Linda Gray of Dallas fame! Bruce introduces Amanda to Linda Gray, and Amanda reacts by coolly saying, "Hello, mother."

After the meeting, Amanda and Linda Gray exit the D&D building together. Linda Gray tells her daughter she handled her humiliation well, and expresses surprise that she knew she's been the Models, Inc. CEO for the last several years. She tells her how sorry she is about the unknown whereabouts of her father, aka a criminal fucktard who always chased the quick buck...and Amanda quickly chastises her for criticizing him and reminds her of her own douchebaggery in walking out on her family and causing permanent emotional damage. Linda Gray acknowledges that she can never make up for what she did and says there are details surrounding her departure she doesn't know - but Amanda snappishly says she doesn't care 'cause she doesn't want a relationship with her, then storms off.

​Sydney has summoned the authorities to the hospital to accuse Michael of killing Kimberly Shaw via vehicular homicide...and also drags Matt into it by reporting that he changed Michael's blood alcohol level in the hospital's online patient records. When the detective asks Matt if he has this kind of access to patient records, he mumbles, "I don't think so..?" - LOL - and Sydney exasperatedly reminds him that he signed a confession that indicates otherwise. A few seconds later, Dr. Kimberly Shaw enters the room and asks if someone paged her. As Sydney stares at her in stunned disbelief, Michael tells the detective how crazy Sydney is to accuse him of vehicular homicide when the "dead" woman is clearly alive and well...and Sydney gets more and more spacey looking until she faints and collapses in Matt's arms. 

Linda Gray drops by Amanda's apartment and encounters Jake, who tells her that Amanda's not home at the moment. She introduces herself as Amanda's mother and says they're currently doing some business together...and correctly assumes that her daughter filled him in on the shitty way in which she abandoned her family. Jake invites her inside and introduces himself as Amanda's trophy boyfriend...and Linda Gray wanders around the living room and tearfully expresses how proud she is of her daughter for creating such a wonderful life for herself: career, nice apartment, smoke-show of a boyfriend. She laments not being able to tell Amanda how sorry she is, and that she has to sadly accept Amanda's determination to hate her forever. Jake gives her a comforting hug and offers to talk to Amanda in an effort to convince her to smooth things over.

Michael and Kimberly are having dinner in a fancy marina restaurant, and he's gleefully recalling Sydney's catatonic reaction to seeing her return from the dead. As he downs a glass of liquor and orders another, Kimberly gives him a 'are you shittin' me?' look and stops the waiter from bringing over anymore alcohol, and instead asks for menus. She then tells Michael she forgives him for almost getting her killed by driving like a drunken lunatic, and that she was sad throughout her recuperation 'cause she thought he had abandoned her. She then presses her hand against her head, says she has frequent headaches now, and takes a painkiller. 

Amanda rails at Jake for allowing her mother inside her apartment and tells him it's not his business to try to repair their relationship. Jake points out that he couldn't very well slam the door in her mother's face, and Amanda's like, "Why not?" and admonishes him for not respecting how much she fuckin' loathes the woman. Jake tells her that his mom is a hopeless drunk and that he has no idea where his father is...but that he'd like to see him again one day so he can try to understand the man who helped make him. He solemnly tells Amanda that she can't run away from her mother forever...and Amanda somehow represses the urge to retort, "Can too!"

Sydney slinks back to Melrose Place and knocks on Jane's door. She tearfully tells her sister that since Kimberly is - surprise! - not dead after all, Michael has kicked her out of his beach house and wants a divorce asap. Jane digests those fascinating nuggets for a few seconds, then points out that blackmail is probably not the strongest foundation for a lasting relationship. Fair point. Sydney starts sobbing and asks if she can stay with her 'cause she's about to have a nervous breakdown, and Jane snarkishly tells her to have it someplace else, and then slams the door in her face.  

Sarah Owens bounds onto the set of the D&D beach photoshoot, hugs Jo, and tells her she's sooooo happy to be back. As she sits in the makeup chair, Jo notices bruises on her neck and asks her whassup with that, and Sarah fibs about how she fell on some stairs...then breezily assures Jo that a layer of makeup will adequately conceal the not-so-secret domestic violence situation she's currently entangled in.

Jane storms over to Alison's and Billy's apartment, angry about being fired as the wedding gown dressmaker. When Alison's all, "Wha-a-at are you talking about?", Jane explains that Sheila just called her and said she has no use for the gown she's been working on. Alison says she has no knowledge about any of this and assures Jane that she's definitely wearing her gown...and a few seconds later, Sheila arrives and is promptly fired by Billy. Sheila snarkishly tells Alison she's billing her father for all services rendered thus far (which doesn't seem like a whole lot), then flounces out...and it remains unclear how such an insolent twit could possibly remain in business as a wedding planner. 

Amanda has softened since her earlier conversation with Jake and has agreed to a double-date dinner out with Linda Gray and her boy toy, Chas. Linda Gray waxes on about how much she'd loooove to repair the mother-daughter relationship...and while she's doing that, Chas is rubbing his foot on Amanda's leg under the table and warning her that he knows a lot of people in the biz and can make life difficult for her if she doesn't get more amenable to a reconciliation with her mother. Jake snarls at him to stop making threats to his girlfriend, and Amanda tells her mom she'll do her best to no longer hate her with the intensity of a thousand suns - as long as she keeps a leash on her idiot boyfriend. Linda Gray smiles gratefully and promises to, from this moment forward, put a muzzle on Chas's sassy mouth.

Alison and Billy stroll the Melrose courtyard and agree that it's the perfect venue for a simple, cheap wedding. The two run into Sydney, who sourly tells them she's living in this shitty complex again and that she's getting a divorce...like they will someday. As she huffily ambles off, Alison and Billy exchange a 'the fuck is her problem?' glance and chuckle in amusement.

Over at the beach house, Michael and Kimberly are vigorously going at it in the bedroom...and after the exhausting looking romp, Kimberly excuses herself to use the bathroom. She presses her hand against her head before taking more painkillers...then all of a sudden looks 100x more feeble and pasty-faced than she did a minute ago. She grimly stares at her sickly self in the mirror and removes her "wig" to reveal a sparse red hairdo and nasty scars on either side of her skull. Ack!