Recap: The Melrose Place apartment dwellers are having a dance party in the courtyard, and Billy gets thrown in the pool as everyone congratulates him on his new gig as a freebie newspaper columnist. Jake asks what he plans on writing about, and Billy says himself, and that he hopes to experience some interesting adventures soon so he actually has something to write about...and for that dumb answer, he's shoved into the pool again. Michael arrives home from the hospital and gushes about the successful surgery he just assisted with, and the Melrose Place gang responds by throwing him into the pool. So much madcap fun!

The next morning, Michael natters at Jane about how much he wants to go camping in Yosemite...while Jane's in the bathroom, staring at a positive pregnancy test with a stricken look on her face.

Alison drops by the boutique where Jane works to shop for new clothes, and asks Jane why she seems so morose lately. Jane glumly confides that she's pregnant, then needlessly explains that she's in this predicament 'cause of the night she and Michael got carried away and started raw dogging it in the sack. She implores Alison to keep mum about her news until she gets a chance to break it to Michael.

Billy is tapping away at his computer, unable to write about anything interesting. He crumples up one piece of paper after another and tosses the wads across the room in frustration...and it remains unclear why he's printing out all of his rough drafts instead of just hitting delete on the computer.

Alison arrives home from work and finds Billy cleaning out the fridge, aka procrastinating from his writing assignment. He whines about how everything he writes is boring and stupid [not least 'cause of how boring and stupid Billy himself is] and complains about the lack of adventures he's had throughout his safe, mundane life. He ponders the notion of developing a drinking problem in order to become more interesting, then forcibly steers Alison towards the door and tells her they're going to Shooters.  

Jane and Michael are out at a fancy Mexican restaurant. While swaying on the dance floor, Jane asks Michael what he thinks about them having a baby, and he's all, "What the fuck for?" and reminds her that they're currently broke and live in a shitehole apartment complex with a bunch of aimless yahoos. He says he'd prefer to procreate until after he becomes a full-on doctor, five years from now. 

Billy is drinking shots and rambling nonsense to Alison. She assures him he doesn't have to become a drunkard in order to be a writer and points out that Emily Dickinson was a total recluse. A few seconds later, Jake and Matt saunter in and join them at the bar. Billy laments how everyone except him is having fun life adventures, including a stranger sitting at the end of bar who's wearing a neck brace. When the guy tells him he got the injury from bungee jumping, and that it was well worth it 'cause of how keeeeeewl bungee jumping is, Billy decides that this will need to be his first fun life adventure. He implores Jake and Matt to bungee with him, and they decide that since the writers gave them nothing better to do this episode, why the hell not? 
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Over dinner, Michael tells Jane he wants to wait to have kids until they've both developed their careers more, then reminds her that she once aspired to be a clothing designer. Jane stares despondently into space and agrees that now's not the time to have kids. Michael perks up and suggests they get a dog - but Jane quickly nixes that idea, then excuses herself to go to the ladies room and sob into the toilet.

The next morning, Alison runs into Jane and asks her how Michael took the baby news, and Jane sheepishly says she chickened out so that she can spend more time wistfully deciding how to deal with the sitch alone...before sorting through the drama of the inevitable miscommunication mishap when Michael accidentally hears the news from someone else.

Michael and Jake are ambling down the street together, and Michael is grumbling to Jake about how annoying Jane is, bugging him to have kids. He says that all the guys in his intern program who have kids also have shitty marriages...and he's determined to remain committed to Jane [until such time as he starts extra-maritally doinking fellow doctor Kimberly Shaw]. Billy pulls up in his cab to say hey and invite Michael to come along on the bungee jumping adventure, but Michael declines and says he's too busy at the hospital.

Rhonda is cooking a healthy fish dinner and lectures junk food addict Sandy about the benefits of a healthy diet. Jane drops by to get feedback on two Mancini originals [aka, shapeless looking sack dresses] she finally got around to finishing. Rhonda and Sandy gamely agree to try on the frump-wear...then do their best to not laugh out loud at the unspeakable fugliness of what they just put on. When Jane looks suitably mortified about her terrible clothing design skills, Rhonda asks her if she'd like to stay for dinner and holds up the fish...and Jane mutters, "Oh God.." and runs to the bathroom to throw up. Sandy asks her if she's, by any chance, pregnant, and Jane admits she is - but implores them to keep quiet about it until she can bring herself to tell Michael.

Billy has a dream that he's a small boy standing on a high diving board while his parents egg him on to jump. He takes a leap...then shrieks and wakes up in a cold sweat. Alison bounds over to see whassup, then says he's probably so angst-ridden 'cause of his impending bungee jump. She asks him what he has to prove, so he tells her he's lived his life "too safe" and wants to starting taking risks. Alison looks unimpressed and warns him to not be reckless and stupid.

The next morning, Matt, Jake, and Billy excitedly head off to Bungee Jump Bridge.

Jane tells Alison she's decided to not have the baby, nor does she plan on telling Michael 'cause she doesn't want him feeling pressured to raise a baby he doesn't truly want. She says she made an appointment at the abortion clinic and asks Alison if she would please come with her...and Alison agrees, but advises her to include Michael in these baby/not baby decisions.

Sandy and Rhonda are gabbling excitedly about Jane's bun in the oven when they run into a grim-faced Alison and Jane, who inform them that they're off to the abortion clinic. LOL. That scene probably shouldn't have made me involuntarily laugh.

At the clinic, the doctor confirms that Jane is six weeks pregnant and implores her to talk to her husband before going ahead with something she might regret. Jane breezily tells her it's fine and stupidly adds, "Every marriage has its secrets" ... and the doctor stares back at her with a mixture of bewilderment and incredulity. 

Jake and Matt have leaped off of Bungee Jump bridge and wax on and on about how super awesome the experience was. Billy looks freaked out when the bungee experts start strapping him in...and when he has a flashback of his high-diving dream, he decides he can't go through with this bungee jumping adventure after all.

Alison and Sandy are in the waiting room of the clinic, waiting for Jane to wrap up her appointment. Sandy confides to Alison that she once had an abortion when she was sixteen, then tells her the sordid story about how she entered a beauty pageant, got boned by the son of one of the judges in the hopes that she'd score well, then realized how stupid it was to not consider using birth control when she had to drive for hours to get to the nearest abortion clinic trailer. She contorts her face into a tortured expression and says, "It was a haaaad thang, but I know I chose raaaht" and tells Alison she's the first L.A. friend she's needlessly burdened with this horrible story.  

Rhonda drops off some healthy food for Michael and asks him how Jane's doing after aborting their spawn, and Michael scrunches his face confusedly and is all, "Wuh? Spawn aborting?" Rhonda quickly realizes he clearly has no idea what she's talking about, chirps, "Never mind!" and beats a hasty retreat. LOL.

Jake and Matt make their triumphant return to Melrose Place after the bungee jump, while Billy slinks behind them, shamefaced. He defends his cowardice by stating that he has "a yen for self preservation", then self-importantly announces that he has a column to write.

When Jane arrives home, Michael asks her what-the-fuck-issup with her telling a peripheral castmate like Rhonda about her pregnancy/abortion while not bothering to clue him in. Jane weakly insists she tried to tell him, but decided it was a bad idea after he came right out and said he didn't want a baby right now. Michael admonishes her for making the choice to abort their spawn while keeping him totally in the dark, and Jane informs him that she didn't actually go through with it 'cause she suddenly realized she does want a baby. Michael gets exasperated and says she can't keep giant secrets like this in a marriage, and is irked that everyone in Melrose Place already knows about this. He then storms out of the apartment, continues his tirade in the courtyard so that everyone can listen in on their very personal bidness, and stomps off in the direction of Shooters.

The Melrose Place menfolk chase after Michael, concur that women can't be trusted, and decide to continue this discussion over beers.

Rhonda apologizes to Jane for opening her big fat mouth, but Jane says it's not her fault 'cause she should have told Michael about this earlier. Well duh, but Rhonda should still have kept her big fat mouth shut. Jane moans about how afraid she is that Michael will consider this a betrayal and write her off.  

At Shooters, Michael rails about how bizarre life is now that he and Jane are suddenly expecting a baby. The other guys are like, "Wuh? Baby?" and raise their beer bottles in a toast, then urge him to go home and smooth things over with his pixie-hairdoed wife. 

Michael finds Jane laying in bed, staring sadly into space. He sits next to her and assures her that since the baby's on its way he really does want the little gaffer...and she apologizes for keeping the news from him, then says it all just came as a shock to her. She asks him what will become of the plans they made, and Michael says, "Plans are made to be broken." Jane grins and gushes about what a great dad he's going to be. 

Billy reads aloud his column to Alison: a giant yawn about what a wuss he was to not go through with the bungee jump. Alison nods approvingly and says she looooves his first installment, then asks what he plans to write about next. Billy says he'll think about that over the course of the next week...then starts tapping away on his keyboard, writing about a young friend who's surviving the hardships of meeting fatherhood for the first time. Yawn. 

Recap: Jake is working on his motorcycle when Michael snarks that he's getting oil stains all over the courtyard tiles...then reminds him to pay his rent already 'cause Mr. Kay (the landlord) is getting on his case about chronic non-payments from deadbeat tenants. Jake counter-snarks that Mr. Kay could always talk to him directly, then whines about how hard he's been busting his ass looking for work in a construction industry that's dead in L.A...as if his income problems are, in any way, Mr. Kay's problem. Jake stares moodily into space for a few seconds, then promises Michael he'll put find gainful employment on this episode's to-do list.

Over at D&D, Alison flirts with Rick (a dorky mailroom flunky) when he brings her a morning donut.

Jake lumbers into a coffee shop and tells the manager he's responding to the help wanted sign out front. The manager tells him he likes the cut of his jib, but hopes to hell he's not an aspiring actor, so Jake assures him he has no ambition towards breaking into showbiz (or pursuing any other type of meaningful work) and that he's pretty sure he can handle the cappuccino machine. The manager tosses him an apron and tells him to get started...and I assume will deal with filling out all the necessary HR paperwork off-camera.  

Alison and Rick are eating lunch outside when Lucy Cabot, one of D&D's high powered executives, walks by. Alison says she admires the woman's confidence and wonders if in ten years she'll be as successful and self-assured. Rick confesses that he knows Lucy and that he's the son of Joe Danworth of the Danworth Sunscreen Company, one of D&D's biggest accounts. Alison stares back at him and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?", so Rick says he has to work very hard to prove to everyone that he's more than just a dumb rich kid...even though he quickly proves himself to be just a dumb rich kid - with a side of dickish to boot. He invites Alison out for dinner tonight, and she blushingly accepts. 

The coffee shop manager admonishes Jake for his shitty cappuccino making skills...but Jake's like, "I don't really give a shit what you think, when's break time?" and the manager tells him to forget about any break taking 'cause they're too busy. Jake's next customer is a perky, short-haired brunette who looks at him in surprise and exclaims, "Jake..?!" and he chirps, "Perry!" and steps out from behind the counter to give her a hello hug. The manager snarks at Jake for falling behind on his orders, and Jake says he's taking a coffee break whether he likes it or not, then steers Perry outside so they can get caught up.

Jake and Perry mill around his motorcycle that's parked just outside the coffee shop, and Perry saucily reminds him about the time they doinked atop his motorcycle seat in the desert. She tells him she's now working as an art dealer despite knowing fuck-all about art...and has a foolproof scam going that could make them both a lot of cash. Jake says he's no longer into shady moneymaking schemes - but she insists it's totes legit, then writes her phone number on his arm and coos, "Call me."

Rhonda returns home, collects her mail, and whines to Matt about all the bills that keep showing up in her mailbox. Matt growls, "Spare me" and tells her that the halfway house where he works just got more funding cuts, and he had no choice but to let the cook go. Rhonda offers to cook dinner for the halfway housers tomorrow night, and Matt perks up and happily accepts. Sandy appears carrying a short black dress and tells the two she's lending Alison her best "come and get me" dress for her evening out with Rick. 

Alison, Sandy, and Rhonda are cackling over Alison's impending date with Rick...and a newly showered Billy decides he wants in on that action and enters Alison's bedroom with just a towel around his waist. When Rick arrives at the apartment a few seconds later, Billy makes a beeline over to the front door so he can engage in the most awkward interaction possible. He tells Rick he's Alison's close but platonic roommate, then starts peppering him with questions about where they'll be spending their date. Before Rick can answer, Alison rushes to the door and hustles him away from the apartment.

Over dinner, Rick tells Alison he loves the advertising business, and Alison says she enjoys anything creative and has lots of ideas for the upcoming sunscreen campaign. One of her concepts is 'it's hotter than a burn' and Rick looks impressed and says it's definitely something his father should hear during the next pitch meeting. After dinner, the two return to Melrose Place, hand in hand...and when they start smooching in the courtyard, Billy creepily peeps at them through the window.

Rhonda is doing aerobics by the pool when Matt exits his apartment to head off to work. He reminds Rhonda that dinner at the halfway house is at 5pm, and that he'll see her there later. 

Perry knocks on Jake's apartment door and is told by Sandy that he's out and probably won't be home for awhaaale. Perry leaves her with a message to tell Jake she stopped by, and Sandy mutters bitch under her breath 'cause she's catty and immature.

At D&D, Alison introduces herself to Lucy and gushes about how excited she is about the sunscreen account...and Lucy's like, "Who are you, and why are you talking to me?" and tells her to hold her calls until her morning conference call is over. LOL.

Rhonda stops by the halfway house to break it to Matt that she's going to have to bail on helping out with dinner 'cause she forgot she has to fill in for a cardio-funk class at her exercise studio. Matt makes it clear he's very pissed off, not least 'cause he just bought all the ingredients for her special curry chicken recipe. Rhonda tries to sheepishly apologize, but he turns his back and poutishly stalks off. 

Alison overhears Rick passing off her 'it's hotter than a burn' idea to Lucy Cabot as if it's his own, and Lucy squeals about how much she loooooves that concept. Once Lucy's out of earshot, Alison calls Rick "a leech" and admonishes him for peddling her ideas without giving her any of the credit. Rick pretends he may have gotten the idea from watching MTV, but Alison doesn't accept that weak lie and snarls, "You used me." She marches straight to Lucy's office and tattles on Rick's idea thieving, and Lucy stares at her with a look of incredulous disdain and says she's really going to need to grow a pair if she wants to remain employed in the advertising industry.

Alison clears out her desk, looks around the D&D lobby as if it's the last time she's ever going to see it, then storms out.

Jake's new boss bitches at him for putting decaf in the cappuccino, so Jake decides he's had enough and snaps, "I quit!" He heads over to the nearest pay phone, calls Perry, and says he's ready to get tangled up into whatever money scheme she's been cooking up.

Jake drops by the gallery where Perry works...and she shows him around and tells him she's made a ton of money for the gallery selling expensive paintings. After that, she explains her side hustle: misleading dumb rich people - specifically some guy named Phil - about the value of art from "hot new artists" who either don't exist, or are random people who aren't hot, new, or artists. She points out that while it's highly unethical, it's not technically illegal...then smears green paint on Jake's white shirt before the two start going at it. 

Rhonda apologizes to Matt for letting him down, but he continues to pout and chides her for being such a self-absorbed assbag. Rhonda acknowledges that she's no "expert on following through", then snaps, "We can't all be saints." Ugh. Who in the hell thought these two dullards would make interesting Melrose Place characters??

A depressed Alison is laying in bed, eating ice cream and grumbling about what a jerk Rick is. Billy tells her to not let the dork steal her career...and when Alison moans about how much she hates playing "the game", Billy wryly says it's pretty much like that in every workplace. He urges her to get out of bed and show D&D the kind of person she is: a thin-skinned tattletale with a flair for the dramatic.

Alison brings her boxful of things back to her reception desk at D&D, and Lucy ambles over as she's unpacking her stuff and says they weren't sure she'd be coming back. Alison says she's determined to prove herself as an advertising exec wannabe...plus, the writers are being careful to avoid anything too derivative of Jake's current 'I'm unemployed and can't afford the rent' subplot. Lucy says she feels bad about her disgruntlement and invites her to attend tomorrow's sunscreen meeting and deliver her pitch directly to Joe Danworth. LOL...as if.

Perry hosts a party to unveil the painting of the "hot new artist" she just plucked out of obscurity. She introduces Jake to Phil, a Native American dude who seems to enjoy baring his hairless chest on evenings out, before unveiling the splattered mess she's passing off as a Jake Hanson original. 

Rick drops by the conference room where Alison is watching sunscreen commercial footage. She shoots him a haughty glare and tells him she's not the same naive dimwit as she was at the beginning of the episode, who didn't know how to "play the game" and get ahead any way she could. She declares herself "a real player" now - LOL...the fuck? - and says she's grown up a lot in the last 24 hours. She snidely asks him what bright ideas he has for tomorrow's pitch meeting...and he slyly goes, "You first", but when Alison refuses, a dismayed Rick says he figured they'd work on "their" ideas together. Alison refuses to share her catchphrases and heads home.

Jake finds Perry snorting coke and disdainfully mutters, "Same old Perry." Perry somehow finds this amusing and offers him a snort, but he barks back that he doesn't do that shit anymore and smacks the plate of coke out of her hand, sending the white powder flying. When Perry gets irked at the wasted coke, Jake declares he's no long willing to "sink this low", then storms out and tells Phil that both he and the ugly splatter painting are fakes. He then loudly declares to the partygoers that he's getting as far away from his life as possible, and they're all, "Er, OK..?"

Matt complains to Alison that the latest funding cuts to the halfway house means he now has to do the work of five people. Alison's like, "You think you've got problems?" and laments about how hard it is for her to have to adopt a "take no prisoners" attitude to get ahead in the advertising biz.

Alison pitches her sunscreen advertising concept to Joe Danforth - 'I feel protected around you' - and he looks very impressed by the catchphrase and asks Rick if he has anything as good to pitch. Rick says he opted for a before/after approach...and the before graphic features a cartoon woman with skin cancer eating away her face. As Joe stares at Rick and is all, "WTF, son?", Alison slips Rick a piece of paper with her notes scrawled on it and "reminds" him about the idea he had come up with earlier: 'color yourself healthy and tan'. Rick sheepishly thanks her for the unconvincing rescue.

Rhonda is teaching cardio-funk with a lot of energetic woo hoos! and break it downs! Matt lumbers into the exercise studio wearing a t-shirt and workout shorts, admits to being self-absorbed about his fuuuuucking depressing halfway house job, and says he'd rather not continue pouting and be at odds with best friend. The two hug it out, and Rhonda resumes cardio-funking...and - no surprise - we learn that Matt has really bad rhythm. 

Lucy compliments Alison's great ideas, then says she realizes that the 'color yourself healthy and tan' was her idea, not Rick's. Well, duh. She compliments Alison's integrity and predicts that she's really going to go places at D&D.

Jake lumbers into Shooters and runs into Sandy, who clucks, "Another sleepless naaht, darlin'?" and Jake snaps at her to shut it with her obnoxious southern belle bullcack and play a game of pool with him. He tells her that his past just tried to tempt him into doing something shady - but he's firmly decided to throw away all of his bad memories and start fresh. And by start fresh, he means he's selling his motorcycle 'cause he's still out of work and has to come up with rent money so he won't get thrown out on the street.

Jake brings his motorcycle to a shop and tells the owner it's for sale...and the shop owner looks so impressed by how well the motorcycle has been cobbled together that he declares the person responsible an artist, and that he'd hire this person on the spot as a mechanic. Jake perks up and eagerly asks, "When do I start?"

Rhonda, Alison, and Sandy make a surprise visit to the halfway house while cheesily singing 'I'll be there' ... then announce that they're there to help prepare dinner for the halfway housers. Alison and Matt agree that a "take no prisoners" attitude is no way to live...and then the four try really really hard to look as if they're having a blast cooking up and serving Rhonda's curry chicken.

Recap: Billy is hard at work on his computer, writing a shitastic screenplay, when Alison enters the kitchen and reminds him it's a week day and that he was supposed to pick up his cab an hour ago. Billy tells her he can't seem to pull himself away from his writing and is somehow under the illusion that he's going to sell his script and make a ton of money as L.A.'s hottest new screenplay writer. LOL. Alison heads off to work and passes Jane as she clingingly canoodles Michael while he cleans the pool. Jane gives Michael a big smooch, reminds him that they have plans tonight to celebrate their three month anniversary of living in L.A., and gives him strict orders to save his penile energy for what she's hoping will be a long, post-dinner doinkfest.   

Sandy ambles into Melrose Place's (dungeon-like) laundry room to flirtily banter with Jake in her usual sultry southern belle manner. She notices that he's washing his sheets and asks him if he has a romantic naaht planned with his teenage girlfriend, and he weakly insists that he and Kelly are just platonic friends. He then scrunches his chiseled face concernedly and says he's going to have to find a way to make it crystal clear to the persistent teenager that their hookup is never going to evolve into anything past first base.  

Over in the 90210, David and Steve warn Kelly that if she continues to date Jake, he's going to break her heart. Kelly thanks them for their concern, but stubbornly insists that she knows what she's doing.

Michael calls Jane at work to tell her he just learned he's going to be on call at the hospital all night. He promises to be home by midnight, and Jane stares unhappily into space as the two exchange I love yous.

Billy drops by D&D to excitedly tell Alison he finished his screenplay, then had a dozen or so copies of the thing printed off so he can send it to every agent in town. He tells Alison he'd really like it if she could read all 120 pages and offer her feedback later today, and Alison's all, "The fuck? I don't have time to do that!" Billy pretends as though he didn't hear that, then beams and says he finally feels like a real writer. 
 
Jane tells Sandy that her romantic evening with Michael is off 'cause he's going to be on call at the hospital. Sandy warns Jane about letting "lahf pass you baah" and double-dog-dares her to prove that she's an independent woman by going out for a night of clubbing without the ol' ball and chain. 

Jane shows up at the hospital carrying a cardboard tray filled with takeout food and three candles: one for each month they've been living in L.A. Seems like an odd, somewhat superfluous choice for an anniversary to celebrate, but OK. Michael looks happy to see her and introduces her to his doctor colleagues...but a few minutes later his pager goes off and he tells Jane he has to rush off to do some pre-op for a surgery. He urges her to go out tonight and have some fun with her gal pals. 

Jane decides 'why the hell not enjoy a night out on the town?' and squeezes herself into a skin tight, short black dress and goes to Shooters with Rhonda. The two ogle all the cute men in their orbit like they've never seen the inside of a bar before, and are girlishly cackling to each other when Sandy sashays over. She purrs, "Looks lahk you bagged yoself a taah-get" and motions over at two men, one of whom is a young Nestor Carbonell from Lost. Mmm...Nestor. Jane looks positively giddy at the thought of being checked out by complete strangers in a bar...and discreetly slips off her wedding ring after Sandy points out that she'll never know for sure how hot the men think she is if they know she's a married woman.   

Alison runs into Matt on the way to her apartment. She tells him she just finished reading Billy's screenplay, and that it's an even worse piece of crap than she assumed it'd be. Matt advises her to tell Billy the truth - but to soften the blow by making him a nice dinner.

Rhonda and Jane are sitting with Nestor and his mulleted friend Peter, and the two men are nattering to the ladies about their rock band...which, LOL, I'm totally sure exists. Peter tells Jane she's smokin' hot and asks what her story is - for example, does she have a boyfriend? - and Jane carefully replies, "Technically speaking, not really" and Rhonda shoots her a damn gurrrrrl! look of astonishment from across the table. 

Billy happily chirps, "Lucy! I'm home!" when he returns to the apartment after work. He grumbles about his bitchy cab passengers and says he's looking forward to putting that shitty job behind him once he sells his screenplay and becomes a major player in the entertainment biz. LOL. Alison tells him she read the whole thing, and that she made him a casserole for dinner so the two of them could have something to chew on while she gives him her brutally honest opinion of his writing...and Billy translates this to mean it's her way of congratulating him for a job well done. He giddily hugs her and thanks her for "the validation", and Alison winces while staring helplessly into space. 

Jake and Kelly are shopping for groceries, and Kelly slips into her little girl voice and tells Jake how kewl it is that they're out shopping together to buy all the stuff they need in order to whip up a romantic dinner for two in his apartment. Jake grunts something unintelligible, then looks annoyed when the groceries cost him the last bit of money he has in his wallet.

After a game of pinball, Peter suggests that they all head over to a happening dance club. When Jane declines and says she should probably get home, Rhonda pulls her aside and begs her to pleeeeease come, 'cause she's really diggin' Nestor and doesn't want the partying to end. Jane agrees to go to the happening dance club, but stipulates that she has to be home by midnight.
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Over tuna casserole, Billy asks Alison for her honest opinion of his screenplay, and Alison blurts out, "I hated it" and elaborates on how she hated every single thing about the wretched script. Billy gets pissy and says he regrets giving her a copy, so Alison throws him a bone and says that while reading the horrific thing she may have detected a glimmer of talent. Billy snarls that she has no taste, much like her lousy casserole, then accuses her of being jealous of his passion for writing and not wanting to see him succeed. Alison argues that clearly he has trouble accepting criticism, and Billy's all, "Hmph!" and storms out of the apartment.

After some bopping to the '90s beat at the happening dance club, Peter and Jane head back to their table. When he leans in for a kiss, she snaps, "Don't!" and confesses that she's married. Peter chuckles and says he's not buying it 'cause she's not wearing a wedding ring...and Jane reaches for her purse and rifles through it, suddenly looks panicked, then moans, "Oh God.."

Kelly gets all smoochy with Jake while he's cooking dinner, and he half-heartedly fends her off and says he'd rather they didn't start something he can't finish. Kelly responds by smothering him with even more kisses until the phone rings, and Jake shoves her away to run into the other room to answer it. He covertly tells whoever's on the other end, "That's OK...just don't be any later than 10:30pm." Subtle, Jake.

Alison finds Billy sulking at the bar at Shooters. He asks her if his screenplay was really that bad, and she confirms that, yep, it was the most cliche ridden, uninspiring piece of dreck she's ever had the misfortune to read...and didn't want to expend a single ounce of energy lying to him about how hard it sucked. Billy glumly says he had been so proud of himself for actually completing a writing project, then wonders if he's been fooling himself by thinking he could make it in life as a writer (um, yes..?). Alison points out that this was only his first attempt, and that most writers deal with years of rejection before they get published. She urges him to keep trying and to believe in himself, and he seems reasonably satisfied with those platitudes.

Kelly puts on some romantic music and seats herself on Jake's couch...and a few seconds later, Jake turns the lights back on, shuts off the stereo, and tells her he's utterly, totally, completely ass-backwards wrong for her. Kelly dismisses that notion and insists that she understands him more than he realizes and would like to show him how supportive she can be. They're interrupted by a knock on the door...and when Jake answers it, a leggy brunette named Margot strides in, calls Jake honey, and apologizes for being late. She glances over at Kelly and asks whaddup with the teenage blonde on his couch, and Jake breezily tells her that they just had some dinner. Margot gets fake miffed and chides Jake for not giving a damn that he's two timing her, snaps, "You're not worth the grief!" and storms out. Jake runs out after her and tells her she did a great acting job in there, but laments looking like a heartless jerk to Kelly. Margot nods and says, "It needed doing" and Jake concurs, thanks her, and tells her he owes her one. He then heads back inside, where a tearful Kelly asks him why he'd be so dickish as to invite a woman over while she was hanging out, and Jake shoots her a stony glare and woodenly replies, "Because I feel nothing for you." Kelly decides she's done making guest appearances on this spin-off, not least 'cause there's a love triangle with Dylan and Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210 she needs to start fomenting. She croaks, "For what it's worth, I loved you" and scurries out the door. 

Jane is crawling on the floor of the dance club - not the wisest idea considering her short black dress - looking for her wedding band, while Peter scrunches his face in annoyance. When the search turns out to be fruitless, the foursome returns to Melrose Place to end the evening. Rhonda tells Jane she feels bad that she lost her ring, and Jane's like, "Ah well, whaddya gonna do?" and rightly admits that no one held a gun to her head and forced her to go out partying and slip off her wedding ring to fool strange men into thinking she was single. As Rhonda kisses Nestor goodbye, Jane tells Peter that she's going to 'fess up to her husband and tell him her version of the truth: that she thought she was missing out on something, even though everything she's ever wanted was here all along...and, oops, in the process, lost the heirloom ring he gave her on their wedding day. She tells Peter he's a nice guy and shakes his hand goodbye, and he seems satisfied with that and shuffles off. 

Michael is waiting up for Jane, and she sheepishly apologizes for being late and solemnly tells him she did something crazy. He puts a hand over her mouth, gives her a big smooch, and steers her over to the bedroom for a belated three months in L.A. anniversary doink. 

Billy is burning his screenplay in the barbecue and tells Alison he's happy he got his first flop under his belt, and that from now on he's going to write about stuff he knows. Like how a boneheaded Californian with permanently disheveled hair thought he had the brainpower to become even a mediocre screenplay writer.

Sandy is playing pool at Shooters when Jake drops by. He tells her he broke things off with Kelly in the most asshole-ish way possible, and that he feels bad for breaking her heart. Sandy tells him his regret is a clear sign that he has a heart, then purrs, "You should be used to it bah naah" and assures him he did the right thing by cutting the infatuated teenager loose. One of her co-workers, who's sweeping up the bar, tells Sandy he just found something interesting, and Sandy sees that the interesting thing is Jane's missing wedding ring.  

Michael and Jane are basking in the afterglow of their post-doink canoodling, waxing on about the amaaaaazing sex they just had. She's about to confess losing her wedding ring when Sandy knocks on the door. She tells Jane she found her ring...and when Michael appears behind her and is all, "Wha-a-a? You lost your wedding ring?", Sandy says she found it in the laundry room. The two thank her and get back to their canoodling, and Sandy wanders back across the courtyard. She runs into Jake, who's sitting on the steps leading up to her apartment, and he tells her that she too has a heart...and the episode ends with the two of them staring longingly at each other. 

Recap: Alison complains to Billy that he made the morning coffee too strong, then bitches at him for rummaging through her newspaper before she got a chance to read it. He tells her he really just needs the classifieds now that whoever hired him at the Arthur Murray dance studio realized he has zero rhythm or even minimal dancing abilities. Alison moans about how worried she is that Hal Barber is going to get her fired, so Billy suggests she preemptively scare him by threatening legal action about his blatant sexual harassment.

Jake gets enraged when the hot water in his shower suddenly turns ice cold. He storms over to Michael's apartment with just a towel wrapped around his buff wet bod - mmm hmm - and gets all in Michael's face about how he's been complaining for a month about the shitty plumbing. Michael tells him to chillax, just as the other Melrose Place residents are gathering 'round to enjoy the spectacle of a half naked Jake getting himself all worked up. Jane appears in the doorway and promises Jake that they'll take care of it, and Michael agrees to finally get off his ass and call a plumber. As Jake storms back toward his apartment, Sandy appears on the stairwell wearing baby doll pajamas and cooingly asks Jake what's wrong. When he snarks that he's out of work and has to head over to the unemployment office, she seductively purrs, "Yule land on yo feeeet" and offers to buy him a beer at Shooters tonight.

Jane tells Michael she had a dream about the night they first met, then dreamily babbles about the exact moment she knew she was in love with him. She asks him to describe the moment he first fell in love with her, but he just stares blankly into space and says he can't think straight 'cause he had a long night at the hospital. LOL.

Alison arrives at D&D and finds Hal Barber standing beside her reception desk, staring at her expectantly. She summons her courage and tells him she's considered her options regarding his sexual harassment last night and has decided she's A-OK with losing her job if that's what it will take to bring a creep like him to justice. Hal shrugs and says they merely went on a date that didn't end in the sack, however hard he tried, then breezily says, "Do what you want to do" and saunters up to his office. A few seconds later, a female employee dishes to Alison that a woman in the Payroll Department just filed a complaint against Hal for sexual harassment...and Alison lets out a sigh of relief that this tedious subplot will get resolved by some nameless D&D employee off camera. Someone informs Alison that her cab is here, and she's all, "Wuh? Cab?" then goes outside to investigate. She finds an excited looking Billy standing next to a yellow cab, and he tells her he just landed a job as a cab driver. He says he'd like to celebrate his new career this weekend, and she suggests they paint the apartment together. Billy gamely says he's in, then asks her how things went with Hal, and she happily reports that the problem magically worked itself out.

At Shooters, Sandy shows her boss a stack of head shots she had taken for her actress wannabe portfolio, but her boss frowns disapprovingly and says the photographs look nothing like her and show off too much cleavage. Plus, it's doubtful that if she doesn't happen to land a role as a mint-julep-tea-sipping southern belle she'd be able to demonstrate much range as an actress. Kelly appears at the bar, admires the head shots, and tells Sandy she dropped by to meet Jake for lunch and tell him that her mom just had a baby girl. Sandy purringly informs her that she can probably find Jake at the unemployment office.

After sitting in the unemployment office's waiting room for a couple of hours, Jake is finally called to the window...but is told he filled out his forms incorrectly and has to resubmit them and then wait around some more.  

Billy picks up a '90s perm sporting passenger named Marcy, then starts prattling about how no one who lives in L.A. is originally from L.A. Marcy seems intrigued by his inane chit-chat and moves to the front passenger seat of the cab so she can fawn over him at a closer range. She gushes about how much he looks like Bruce Springsteen (mmm...nope), and then the two realize they once attended the same Springsteen concert and sat two rows apart! Squeal! Billy asks her if she'd like to go out for Italian, and she eagerly accepts.

Jake is getting increasingly annoyed by the endless wait to submit his forms, and gets into a physical altercation with one of the unemployment office clerks - just as Kelly arrives. He's quickly subdued by security, then gets arrested for creating a public disturbance.

Kelly heads straight over to the police station and tries to use her credit card to bail Jake out, but is told it's maxed out. She looks shocked, but also a tad turned on, when the police officer informs her that Jake is a stereotypically misunderstood bad boy who has multiple arrests on his record.

Billy brings Marcy home with him, and the two roll around on the couch, kissing intensely. Alison arrives home with a bag of paint supplies and looks put out that Billy brought a woman home on Paint Night, and Billy and Marcy quickly remove themselves from her haughty glare by scampering to his bedroom.

Alison preps the walls to be painted, but gets so distracted by the giggling coming from Billy's room that she stands in front of the door so she can brazenly eavesdrop. When Billy emerges from his room to use the bathroom, Alison snarkishly tells him he's moving a little fast with a woman he just met, then stammers, "Are you going to...going to..?" and Billy assumes she's trying to ask him if he's planning on raw dogging it or wearing a condom. Alison denies she was thinking of anything sex-related and whines, "I though we were going to paint the apartment" and Billy tells her he's free to paint all day tomorrow. 

The next morning, Marcy basks in afterglow while Billy pretends to Alison that he and Marcy just spent the night talking. Marcy tells Billy he was fantaaaaastic last night, then asks him to guess what she does for a living. When Alison cheekily guesses astronaut (ha!) Marcy giddily reveals that she's a dental student, which seems like a pretty mundane career choice to invite people to guess at. 

Jake is being released on bail when Kelly arrives at the police station and explains that she had to wait until the bank opened before she could withdraw his bail money. Jake snaps, "You bailed me out?" then says he's no good for her, them being from different parts of L.A. - I means worlds and all. He says he'll pay her back as soon as he can, then storms off...leaving Kelly bleating, "Jaaaaake! Don't do this!"

Marcy is lighting candles throughout the apartment when Alison arrives home and scrunches her face in a pained expression of disapproval. Marcy tells her that Billy went to the grocery store to pick up food for their dinner, then obliviously gushes on and on about how awesome their new romance is. She asks Alison to dish about everything she knows about Billy, and Alison says she can't dish much 'cause she's only been roommates with him for a week. Marcy says she's surprised by that 'cause of how protective she seems of him. Billy returns home with a bag of groceries, and Marcy smothers him with smooches and suggests they work up an appetite in his bedroom. Ew.

Jane continues to pout about Michael not remembering the precise millisecond he fell in love with her, and tells him she's worried it's symptomatic of a larger problem: that the romance in their dull-as-fuck marriage is deadsville. Alison barges in to complain about the speed at which Marcy's and Billy's romance has progressed, and Jane says maybe it's love at first sight, then asks her if she's jealous. Alison insists she's not jealous - but rather that she feels left out in her own apartment. She asks if she can stay at their place for the night...and when they're like, "Uh, sure..?" Alison tells them it's sooooo nice being around a married couple who "have it so together".

On Saturday, the Melrose gang decides to have a poolside barbecue. Marcy tells Matt she looooves that the apartment complex is like a family...and Steve Sanders shows up as Sandy's underage date so the two can continue chatting about her long shot dream of stardom. He invites her to attend a party at the Beverly Hills Beach Club with him and his dork friends, and Sandy contorts her face into an ew expression and disdainfully replies, "A haa school paaaty?" Before he can respond with, "Well, d'yuh", Marcy bounds over and introduces herself as Billy's new girlfriend, then corrects herself and says it's actually more accurate to overshare to complete strangers by referring to herself as his lover. Sandy ambles over to Jake and says she didn't get a chance to buy him that beer at Shooters, and he grunts, "I've been busy" and moodily stalks off. Marcy continues to overshare about the orgasmic doinkings she's been getting from Billy for the last two days, and Billy overhears and stares bewilderedly into space. He heads over to the barbecue to relieve Alison from grilling duty, and tells her that this thing is Marcy is going too fast. Alison concurs that she's very aggressive and has put his entire sex life on display, which has been pretty blechy for anyone within earshot. Billy then stares blankly into space and hallucinates that Dr. Ruth Westheimer is counselling an oversexed talk-a-holic Marcy, who gabbles endlessly about how awesome Billy is in bed and satisfies her like no other. 

That evening, Jake arrives home and finds Michael working on a pipe (or something)...but then he quickly throws his tool down and admits that since he's a doctor not a plumber, he has no idea what the hell he's doing. Jake apologizes for his outburst the other day and admits he often has trouble containing his bad boy anger issues. Michael reminds him he has lots of friends at Melrose and shouldn't be shy about asking for help...and a few seconds later, Jane appears in the doorway of their apartment, bitchily says good night to Michael, then goes back inside.

When Marcy shows no signs of wanting to leave Billy's apartment, Billy asks her if she shouldn't head home and study for her upcoming dental exam, and Marcy's like, "Noooo, it's still the weekend" (well...Sunday night) and that she'd much prefer to stay over at his place uninvited. Billy says he'd really like to work on his writing this evening, and she's like, "Go ahead!" and says she won't utter a peep while staring at him adoringly. She then declares, "I think I love you" and pretends to not hear the audible groan that involuntarily escapes Billy's mouth. 

The next morning, Alison tells Billy she's annoyed about Marcy staying over at their place all the time, and Billy's like, "Right?" and says that last night she declared her love for him. He says the only thing resembling emotion he feels for her is a mild case of lust, and Alison's like, "Gross! I don't want to hear that!" - just as Marcy calls out to Billy from the bathroom to tell him she needs a towel.

Donna, David, and Kelly are about to leave Kelly's house to visit Jackie and baby Erin in the hospital. Jake rides up on his motorcycle to pay back some of the bail money Kelly loaned him - but she angrily throws the money back at him, growls, "Keep it!", and says she was merely trying to be a friend when she posted his bail.

Jake is sitting at the bar in Shooters, glumly drinking a beer when Billy joins him to complain about the Marcy Situation. He says he's resorted to avoiding his clingy new girlfriend, but Jake doesn't recommend that approach and advises him to come up with a more long lasting solution. He then moans about being pigeon-holed on Melrose Place as a macho, leather jacket wearing bad boy who's always putting up a false front, and regrets that he hasn't been more straightforward with the people in his life. He urges Billy to just come right out and tell Marcy she's suffocating him, and Billy's like, "Will do" and heads out to end the short-lived relationship before the end credits start rolling. Jake asks Sandy if she's up for a meaningless romp, but she poutishly declines and says she has no desire to be sloppy seconds to a teenage bimbo he keeps giving mixed messages to.

Marcy races across the Melrose Place courtyard and exuberantly hugs Billy, and he grimaces and says, "We have to talk." Marcy senses nothing amiss with those four ominous words and gabbles about how nothing like this has ever happened to her before - and he gets impatient and tells her to shut it 'cause she's been coming on waaaaay too strong, and can't possibly be in love with him after knowing him only two days. Marcy says she's just been honest about her feelings and insists that it is love. Billy tells her he doesn't feel the same way, and Marcy looks shame-faced and says this always happens to her, then moans, "Why do I dooooo this?" She apologizes to Billy for all of the clinging and oversharing and says she should probably get home and study and never again be seen on Melrose Place. Phew. I guess that's the end of that.

To placate Jane, Michael tells her he knows he's in love with her every moment of every day, but that he constantly fears losing her...and Jane looks impressed with the odd declaration of his love/insecurity and leaps into his lap and gives him a giant smooch.

Jake returns to Kelly's house and apologizes for treating her so shabbily during these first two spin-off episodes. He says that while he can't promise her anything in the romance department, he doesn't want to lose her friendship...then asks her if she'd like to ride down to the beach with him. She eagerly accepts, and the two ride off on his motorcycle together. 

As Billy and Alison paint their apartment, he tells her he broke things off with Marcy 'cause of how much in a hurry she was to be in a relationship. Alison pretends to be sorry to hear that and tells him he should always feel comfortable talking to her about stuff like this. He exclaims, "What a weekend!" and the two giggle together and look like they're about to bond hard over the shared chore of painting their apartment walls.  

Recap: Melrose Place begins with a jazzy opening that gives viewers the impression that they're in for a hip, edgy night-time soap featuring a crop of well-toned twenty-somethings who've taken up residence in a shitty - I mean trendy - apartment complex. The dreamiest resident looks to be Jake Hanson, the human link between Beverly Hills, 90210 and this exciting new spin-off. Squeal!

In the middle of the night, a young woman who the camera is only filming from the knees down and is therefore identifiable only by her colorful cowboy boots, strides over to the Melrose Place mailboxes, removes her name from one of the boxes, then gets into a cab with her suitcases.

The next morning, Alison Parker wakes up and tells her roommate, Natalie, that it's her turn to make coffee. When she gets no response, she peeks into Natalie's room and is shocked to find the room completely stripped bare. She moans, "Oh God..", then rushes next door to inform Matt that Natalie is gone...and when it's clear that Matt couldn't give a rat's ass, she moves on to Jake's apartment to see if Natalie might have stopped in for a quickie. When that too proves fruitless, she heads over to Jane's and Michael's place to report that Natalie sneaked out in the middle of the night and stuck her with the rent. She implores Michael (who's the building manager) to stall the landlord until she can come up with the cash, but he tells her that he can't/won't stall, this being real life and all, then unhelpfully adds that if she wants to get a sense of what real human suffering is, she should swing by the ER, where he works long shifts as a doctor. Alison wrings her hands worriedly about having to find a new roommate asap. 

Rhonda, the peppiest of the Melrose Place occupants, tells Alison she's on her way to teach cardio-funk, but first wanted to tell her that she witnessed Natalie sneaking out of Melrose Place in the middle of the night...and that she did fuck all to try to stop her, and didn't think to inform her (Alison) what was happening while it was happening. Alison moans about how much trust she put in Natalie to share expenses, then says if she doesn't find a roommate in the next three days, she'll be living in her car. 

Alison drives to work while writing up a newspaper ad for a roommate, which looks like it's even more distracting than texting and driving. She arrives at her workplace, D&D Advertising, accidentally dings the BMW that pulls up next to her, and gets admonished by the car's owner: a homely middle-aged account executive named Hal Barber. Alison wanks him about what a brilliant PR man she heard he is...and by the time they arrive at her reception desk, he's so charmed by her earnest cuteness that he's no longer miffed about her dinging his car. 

To emphasize the fact that this new show is a spin-off of Beverly Hills, 90210, Kelly Taylor parks her BMW around the corner from Melrose Place and tells Donna and David to hang back while she drops by Jake's apartment to see whassup about him not returning her many phone calls. David whines about how sick he is of hearing about Jake, while Donna points out that if he wanted to see her he would have called her back by now. Kelly says she just wants to make sure that nothing bad happened to him, and insists he's not the kind of guy who would just blow her off without an explanation...even though he totally is and clearly did. 

Kelly knocks on Jake's door while another Melrose Place resident, Sandy Harling is suntanning by the pool. Sandy, an aspiring blonde actress from South Carolina who delivers all of her lines in a weird, oversexed sultry tone laced with an exaggerated southern drawl, informs Kelly that Jake isn't home at the moment...then nosily asks her who she is and what she does. Kelly sheepishly admits that she's still in high school and isn't doing much other than loafing around the beach this summer, and Sandy looks visibly amused when she tells Kelly she'll be sure to tell Jake she stopped by, then purrs, "Bahhh naaw."

Alison is getting groceries out of her car when she's startled by a '90s style dreamboat with a thick head of unruly hair. He introduces himself as Billy Campbell, tells Alison he's a friend of Natalie's and therefore knows she just skipped town, and is looking to rent her old room. Sounds like an easy solution to a problem the writers decide instead to drag out unnecessarily. Billy rambles on for a looooong time about how he doesn't want to move back in with his parents 'cause of how it would only exacerbate his current sexual repression on account of not being able to bring any one night stands home. Alison gets visibly annoyed by his oversharing, says she's definitely not interested in having him as her roommate, and snappishly tells him to leave. Billy leaves her with his phone number in case she changes her mind - but she somehow decides she's currently in a position to be picky about her roommate options and snaps, "Don't count on it." 

Over at the neighborhood bar, Shooters, Jake is flirtily playing pool with a sexy lady...and Sandy, who waitresses at the bar, advises him to stop flirting with every woman who has a pulse until after he resolves things with his high school girlfriend. Jake assures Sandy he's never doinked Kelly, but Sandy chides him for his generally shitty judgement when it comes to women, then poutishly reminds him he once callously dumped her after a meaningless roll in the hay. When he chuckles at the faint memory, she tells him that Kelly is clearly pining for him...and that if he doesn't resolve things with her, he's going to have to deal with the consequences. Jake rolls his eyes and tells her to save her southern belle sultry-talk for her acting classes. 

Alison gets a predictable parade of weirdos who stop by her apartment in response to her ad for a roommate...and in the next scene, Michael shows her the eviction notice the landlord is about to issue if she's unable to come up with the rent. He suggests she bounce a check to buy herself more time, which I thought was pretty boneheaded advice for a building manager to be giving a tenant.

Alison arrives at Shooters and runs into Sandy, who gives her some unsolicited tips on how to sexily troll for men at a singles bar. Alison tells her to shut it with her southern belle bullcack and asks her if knows a disheveled dork named Billy Campbell...then glances across the bar and notices him playing pool. She goes over, says hey, and tells him that since she's gone from desperate to a day closer to being homeless, she's now agreeing to let him move in. He tells her he already found another place, then chuckles and says he's kidding and that he can move in tomorrow. He asks if he should bring some champagne to toast what will soon become the show's most relentlessly tedious on again/off again romance, but Alison wearily tells him to just bring the check.

Jane slides into bed and starts kissing Michael's feet, which...ew. He complains about how tired he is from working the night shift at the hospital, but then summons the energy to start smooching her. Alison interrupts their foreplay to drop off the rent check in full, then introduces Michael to Billy, her new roommate. Michael welcomes him to the building and tells him there's three rules he needs to follow in order to stay on his good side: pay his rent on time, don't knock on his door before 8:00am, and refrain from peeing in the pool. 

Rhonda bugs Sandy - looks like these two dullards are roommates - to get out of bed so they can girlishly gabble about Alison's hot new roommate. Sandy tells her she already knows all about Billy Campbell from Shooters last night, and nonsensically purrs, "Anythin' worth knowin' happens aht naaht."

Alison walks in on Billy as he's stripping off his shirt...and she blushes at his naked pecs and tells him it's going to take some getting used to living with a strange guy. She lays down some boundaries, e.g. not entering each other's bedroom without knocking, and limiting sleepover doinks to one night a week. She also makes it clear she doesn't want him touching any of her food in the refrigerator, all of which is labelled with post-its...and Billy protests that rule 'cause he may get a hankering to snack on her peanut butter once in awhile - and for some reason isn't capable of going to the supermarket to buy his own jar. Alison steers him over to the bathroom and decrees that, by far, the most important rule of the house is that the toilet seat must always remain down.

Rhonda runs into Matt and tries to get him interested in hearing about Alison's hot new roommate. When Billy happens to walk by at that exact moment, she exuberantly welcomes him to the building, then introduces him to a disinterested Matt. 

Billy puts a tape in his ghetto blaster and attempts to salsa, and Alison giggles as she watches him awkwardly bust a move. He looks mortified when she makes her presence known by knocking on the door, and asks him what exactly he does for a living. He tells her he's a novelist - in the Normal Mailer vein - then asks her what she does. She tells him she's "a conduit of information" at D&D Advertising...and when he correctly guesses that she answers phones, she admits that, yep, even though she's a graduate of the University of Wisconsin, she spends her days working the phones at the D&D reception desk. 

Kelly returns to Jake's apartment...and when he finally answers the door, she asks him why he hasn't returned any of her calls. He grunts, "Been busy" and Kelly tells him he owes her an explanation, then reminds him that during his brief stint on Season 2 of Beverly Hills, 90210, he had told her he wanted to make things work. Jake tells her he didn't think that that entailed planning their future together, then bitchily asks, "What do you want me to do? Spend my summer hanging at the Beverly Hills Beach Club?" and Kelly's like, "I dunno" and says she just really hates that he's avoiding her. When she starts to stomp off, he rushes over and pretends to be all confused about how he should be dealing with their budding romance. Kelly snarls, "If you think I'm a stooopid, lovesick teenager making a fool of myself, just tell me and I'll leave!" and Jake looks fake tortured by what his obvious retort at that should be and says he just wants to do what's right...then nonsensically adds, "Sometimes you have to lie to yourself to keep life running smoothly." He moans, "I haaaaate moral dilemmas" and Kelly poutishly asks, "What's wrong? Don't you think I'm pretty?" He assures her she's beautiful, then throws caution and all good sense to the wind and asks her out to dinner at Shooters tomorrow night. Kelly breathlessly exclaims, "Oh Jake!" and the two share an intense smooch.

Rhonda, who continues to be overly interested in Billy's status as Melrose Place's newest resident, razzes Alison about having a male roommate, and Alison complains about how much she hates living with a guy. 

Rhonda is teaching another of her cardio-funk classes when she notices a guy shamelessly checking out women's asses in their form-fitting, '90s workout leotards. After the class, the ogler ambles over to Rhonda, introduces himself as Daniel, and invites her out to dinner at Cafe Luna on Friday night. 

​Hal Barber stops by the reception desk to boast to Alison that he just scored an account with Canyon Country Cooling. He tells her he needs people in their twenties to fill out a questionnaire to provide feedback for the company...and Alison tells him she'd be happy to oblige.

Rhonda drops by the clothing store where Jane works and gushes about her date with Daniel on Friday night, and says she's going to need a skimpy new outfit to wow her potential new mate.  

Over in the 90210, Kelly tells Donna she needs her to provide cover with her mom so she can dine at Shooters with Jake - but Donna scrunches her big face and says she doesn't think he's right for her. Kelly dreamily says she can't stop thinking about him...specifically his voice, hands, and the lustful way he looks at her. She declares, "I want him" and is somehow under the impression that he really needs her in his life.

Alison arrives home to find Billy doing the tango with a mop...and, yep, there's a rose clenched between his teeth. She asks what in blazes he's doing, so he explains that since he can't fully support himself with his imaginary writing career, he got a job as a dance instructor at Arthur Murray after lying about having any ability to dance...or even the ability to perform dance moves non-stiffly. He asks Alison if she'd like to help him practice, and she gives him a hard no on that, and exits the room cackling to herself about the spectacle she just witnessed.

Jake and Kelly strut down the street, his arm around her shoulders, as they make their way to Shooters. Sandy takes their drink orders and teases Jake about his underage girlfriend by offering to bring a round of chocolate milk. A few seconds later, Steve, Donna, and David enter the bar...and when a visibly annoyed Jake asks what they're doing here, she tells him she told Donna where they'd be 'cause she needed her to cover with her mom. She then gets up, grabs Donna by the hand, and pulls her aside to ask whaddup with her interrupting her date and bringing along Steve and David...and Donna insists that Jake is too old for her, and says she doesn't approve of her lying to her mom. Steve and David, meanwhile, join Jake at his table and inform him that any guy Kelly dates has to also put up with her idiot friends, and David smugly adds, "And there's a lot more where we come from." A miffed Sandy flounces over and declares to Jake that she's just decided to start dating high school boys, then proceeds to get flirty with Steve...and looks genuinely intrigued when Steve tells her his mom is washed up actress Samantha Sanders. She coos, "I'd do anythin' to meet her!" and Steve perks up at that and hands her his phone number. Jake suggests to Kelly that they go elsewhere, so they quickly leave...but once they're outside, he changes his mind and tells her she should probably go home with her friends. He says he doesn't want to complicate her life with his real world problems, then hops on his motorcycle and rides home.

Jane prepares a late supper by candlelight for Michael...but when he arrives home from the hospital, he tells her he's beat - but then looks more interested in burying his nose in a medical book than he is kissing her hello. When Jane complains about their total lack of quality time in this pilot, he tells her that whenever things get rough at work, he cheers himself up by thinking about her. Jane seems placated enough with that, so the two sit down to dinner...but a few seconds later, the landlord calls to angrily inform Michael that he just received a bounced check from one of the tenants.

Michael storms over to Alison's apartment to inform her that Billy's rent check bounced, and that he needs a cashier's check by tomorrow. After he stomps back to his place, Billy sheepishly explains to Alison that he had hoped to get a pay check from the Arthur Murray Dance Studio by now, then breezily says, "It's no big deal." Alison tells him it's a huge deal, and that if she gets evicted, she'll wind up on the street. She tells him if he can't pay up, she's going to have to replace him with someone from the earlier parade of weirdos. 

Alison runs into Hal Barber when she arrives at work the next morning. He invites her to a product launch tonight and offers to introduce her to various other executives. Alison senses no red flags with that offer and eagerly accepts his invitation.

Rhonda drops by Matt's apartment to show him the skimpy new dress she plans to wear on her date with Daniel. Matt manages to squeeze out a wow! and wishes her a fun time.

Alison and Hal arrive at the product launch party. As promised, he introduces her to various account executives. 

Rhonda and Daniel are at Cafe Luna, engaging in some getting-to-know-you chit-chat. She tells him she once had a dream of being a dancer...but when that didn't pan out, she settled for teaching cardio-funk to scantily clad gymrats. He tells her he has dreams of starting his own business...and then the date takes a strange turn when he tries to convince her to hustle his line of vitamin products to her cardio-funk customers, and promises a 30% commission on every sale. Rhonda stares at him incredulously and says she's not remotely interested in doing that...and Daniel calls that "a bummer" and says he figured she'd jump at the opportunity to help him sell his wares. Sounds like a pitch you should have made while chatting her up after the cardio-funk class, dumbfuck. He tries to abruptly end their non-date by mumbling, "You don't want dessert do you?" What a rude dickwad.

After the product launch party, Alison thanks Hal for introducing her around...and he walks her to her door and coos about how sexy she is and that he'd love to come in for one last drink before calling it a night. She tells him she's tired and suggests they have lunch next week, but he barges inside and insists on getting a tour of her apartment, then leans in for a kiss. Alison pulls away and indignantly retorts, "I thought this was business!" then tells him he's making her uncomfortable and that she really really wants him to leave. He asks her if she's really blowing him off after he just spent the evening introducing her to all those executives, and she replies, "I thought you liked my ideas" to which he laughs and sneers, "Gimme a break." Suddenly, Billy storms into the living room in his underwear and demands to know what's going on...and when Hal asks him who he is, Billy points at Alison and says, "I'm her husband." Hal informs him that his "wife" has been leading him on, threatens to do whatever he can to get her canned from D&D, and storms out of the apartment. Alison moans about how stupid she was to not see that coming a mile away - no argument here - then laughs about her underwear clad roommate pretending to be her cuckolded husband.

Kelly returns to Melrose Place for the umpteenth time this episode to knock on Jake's door to ask him why he doesn't want to date her...and he declines to let her in, 'cause he's afraid he won't be able to restrain himself from taking her to bed. He tells her he needs space, has things on his mind (aka where his next pay check is going to come from), and would prefer to move forward in this spin-off without any further appearances from Beverly Hills, 90210 cast members. She says, "I understand", wishes him a good night, and sashays back to her ritzy zip code to move on with her next main squeeze: Dylan.

Michael makes Jane breakfast in bed, unplugs the phone, and climbs into bed with her. Jane shoves him away, whines about how lonely she's been lately, and says she had assumed that marriage would have precluded her from ever feeling lonely again. She tearfully tells him she just wants their old life back and that she feels in the way here...but when Michael leans in for a kiss, she immediately gets all into it and moans, "I love you."

Rhonda and Matt are hanging by the pool as Billy and Alison wheel out a barbecue and get ready to grill hamburgers. Rhonda tells Matt that her date with Daniel turned out to be a pitch to sell his vitamins...then says she wishes that he (Matt) were straight and madly in love with her, or at least open to the idea of a non-romantic coupling with a straight woman. Jake and Sandy leap into the pool, then egg on Rhonda and Matt to also jump in so the four can play chicken fight. Alison, meanwhile, stresses to Billy about losing her job, so Billy points out that it'd be sexual harassment if Hal actually did anything to get her fired. Jane and Michael decide to join the fun and leap into the pool, along with Alison and Billy...and soon everyone is splashing each other and enjoying a carefree afternoon in the Melrose Place courtyard.