Recap: Michael is popping painkillers and leaving crazed messages on Jane's answering machine, and eventually Jane picks up the phone and snarls at him to stop harassing her or else she'll get a restraining order. Michael threatens to come to her workplace and not budge until she talks to him, so she calls him "a sick man", urges him to get some mental health assistance, and hangs up on him. A few seconds later, Sydney drops by...and when Jane tells her about Michael's deranged phone messages, she advises her to get a restraining order pronto and offers to go with her for moral support.

Jo arrives at the pier, where Reed grumpily tells her the boat's engine is shot, which means they can't cruise to Catalina Island - but, more importantly, they may have to cancel tomorrow night's harbor charter cruise. Jo says she knows someone who might be able to help, then promptly calls Jake and tells him she needs a favor.

Billy runs into Jake in the courtyard and tells him he just got promoted to a new job in New York and has no idea how he's going to break the news to Alison. Jake says that if Alison is truly committed to their relationship, she'll have no problem leaving the life and career she's built in L.A. all these years to trail after him across the country so he can pursue his career...but Billy says he doubts that things will be that simple.  

Jeffrey is telling Matt about the joys of being in the military, but Matt makes it clear how unimpressed he is with an institution that refuses to let gay men serve openly. Jeffrey insists that the Navy is awesome and then invites Matt over to his place for dinner, but Matt just natters about how he can't understand how he can keep the two facets of his life so separate. Jeffrey shrugs and wryly explains that he generally likes to keep his romantic relationships "simple and short". 

At the hospital, a sheriff serves Michael with a restraining order, courtesy of Jane, and he reacts by cackling like a crazy person and showing the document to the disinterested nurses who happen to be walking down the hall and have no choice but to hear him guffaw about being restrained by his wife for telling her he loves her [in the form of leaving her one demented phone message after another]. 

After Jake fixes Reed's boat's engine, Reed offers him the opportunity to join his charter business for a 60/40 split. Jake says he'll think about it...and Reed tells him that, regardless of his decision, he'll get his cut from tonight's charter cruise for helping out with the engine.

Billy presents Alison with an array of New York-themed food, books, and videos...and when she's all 'whaddup with all this New York stuff?', he tells her he just got promoted to a junior editor job in New York and wants her to move across the country with him. A stunned Alison stares back at him and looks less than thrilled by the prospect. 

Reed asks Jo if she wouldn't mind storing his suitcase in her apartment (during tonight's cruise) 'cause it's filled with stuff that has lots of sentimental value. Jo assures him it's no problem, and he happily thanks her for dragging Jake into his faux boat business and for agreeing to be tonight's hostess.

Over at D&D, Amanda congratulates Alison on her imminent move to New York, and a startled Alison's all, "Wuh?" and mumbles about how fast news travels. Amanda waxes on about how moving to New York will be a great opportunity for her...and when Alison says she's not entirely sure she wants to give up her L.A. life and follow her boyfriend to the east coast for the sake of his career, Amanda points out that true love is a rare thing she shouldn't let slip away [an opinion which seems wholly out of character for a staunch career woman like Amanda, unless her motive is to be Alison-free at work and home].

Sydney arrives at Michael's beach house with a bag of groceries, lets herself in with the spare key, and marvels at what a pigsty the place has become since Kimberly's demise. She finds Michael asleep in bed and pokes him awake to inform him it's noon, then urges him to destinkify by taking a hot shower. As Michael staggers into the bathroom, Sydney makes up the bed and discovers an empty painkiller bottle and looks alarmed. She asks Michael whassup with him taking so many pills in so short a time period, and he grouchily tells her his back is in a lot of pain, and that he wants her and everyone else to stay out of his way so he can continue his futile efforts to reconcile with Jane.
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Boat cruise! Amid the party atmosphere, Reed tells Jo he dreamed about owning a charter business while languishing in prison, and Jo says she'd be more than happy to give him half the collateral he needs in order to buy the boat. Reed pretends to protest her generosity, then agrees to become bed and business partners with her. He heads down to the nearby deck to get all in Amanda's personal space and tell her he needs 10K to convince the bank that he's a good risk to assume a loan, and she somehow decides that this sounds like a solid investment opportunity and assures him she's A-OK being a silent partner, given that "this racket" pretty much runs itself. 

Michael bangs on Jane's door, calls her "a stupid bitch", and then still expects her to open up for him. Jane calls the police as Sydney rushes over, warns Michael that Jane has no doubt called 911, and steers him upstairs so he can evade arrest from the comfort of her apartment. A few seconds later, the police arrive, glance around the courtyard, and tell Jane it looks as though her ex-husband has left the premises and that they have no desire to expend any energy or resources in tracking him down...and Michael and Sydney watch the lackluster policing from the living room window.

Matt drops by Academy Hall to meet up with Jeffrey, who's visibly uncomfortable with his new same-sex friend showing up at his workplace unannounced. He introduces Matt to his fellow Navy officers as an old high school chum he just happened to run into the other day...and once the officers are out of earshot, Jeffrey's all, "WTF were you thinking coming here?" and admonishes him for trying to give the military a reason to probe his sexual orientation. Matt says he can't grasp why he's so mad, doesn't think he should continue to live his life in the closet just 'cause he's fully out, and huffily stalks off like the prickly little pear he always is.

After dinner, Alison serves Billy a decadent dessert, then breaks it to him that she has zero interest in moving to New York. When Billy scrunches his face unhappily, she points out that her career is just as important as his, doubts there's any comparable-to-D&D ad company in New York she could work at (which is a fairly ridiculous assertion, but OK), and suggests they continue with their relationship in a long distance capacity. Billy chews on that for a few seconds, then digs in about how much he dislikes the idea of them being so far apart geographically.

Jake tells Amanda he's not thrilled with her dumb decision to invest in Reed's boat venture, not least 'cause the guy obviously doesn't know shit about engines or how boats actually run. He further adds that he doesn't get how she could possibly trust him - right? - but Amanda says she's somehow convinced herself that this creepy ex-con couldn't possibly be a con artist.

Over at Melrose Place, Jo tells Alison that Reed asked her to hold onto his suitcase for safekeeping...and that she's convinced there's drugs, guns, or something equally as bad inside. Alison says her instincts could be right, and Jo decides she absolutely must know what's in the thing, so she breaks the lock to snoop inside. As she rummages through his clothes and personal effects, she sheepishly admits that the suitcase contains exactly what Reed said it contains. 

​Jeffrey drops by the hospital to apologize to Matt for his behavior the other night, and Matt gets all pissy about Jeffrey not introducing him to his fellow military officers as a potential love interest. Jeffrey applauds him for being comfortable in his own skin and says he'd really like to integrate him into his life, and adds that he's never met anyone who truly made him see what he was missing out on. He implores Matt to help him slowly ease his way out of the closet, and Matt says he's willing to give his coming out process a try, then leans in for a hug.

Reed meets up with Jo at Shooters to tell her he's taking on Amanda as his new business partner. Jo scrunches her face disapprovingly - just as Jake and Amanda arrive at the bar to toast the ill-advised joint venture. As Amanda natters about her plans for the charter business, a concerned Jake warns that she's getting ahead of herself.

Michael is with Sydney in her car, sweet-talking her into filling a prescription for his painkiller meds and then handing the pills over to him. Sydney tells him she's worried he's overdoing it with the pills and asks why he doesn't just get another doctor to write him a prescription, and he gets all prickly and gives her an ultimatum: get the prescription filled or get out of my life. Sydney mulls over the notion of being cast out Michael's life [that she's largely been rudely shunned from since before his split with Jane], and foolishly agrees to do his bidding.

Alison shows Billy a proposal she cobbled together for keeping up a commuting schedule for their soon-to-be bi-coastal relationship - but Billy argues that logistics aren't the issue, and that most long distance couples slowly drift apart until they break up for good. He decrees that if she's not willing to give up her entire life and career in L.A. she's not truly committed to him - but she insists that it really could work for them if they're both committed to each other. (Blah blah...break up already, dullards.)

Jo tells Reed she's miffed at him for taking Amanda on as his business partner without any kind of discussion with her, so Reed points out that he needed another investor to get his faux charter venture off the ground. He then back pedals and apologizes for not consulting her, and asks if she can fetch him his suitcase so he can see whether or not she took the bait in his lame Snooping Test. She sheepishly retrieves the suitcase and admits that she broke the lock so she could examine the contents, and Reed rails at her for not trusting him, says he no longer wants her investment money for the charter business, and bitchily storms out of the apartment.

The next morning, Jo tells Alison that Reed was supremely pissed off about her breaking into his suitcase. She kicks herself for not trusting the shady ex-con and decides she owes him an apology 'cause she really really wants their relationship/business partnership to work despite what a douchebag he's proving himself to be.

Reed is aboard his boat, on the phone with someone to "double up" his order of something (cocaine, I can only assume) now that he's newly flush with cash. He hangs up as Jo climbs aboard to apologize for making him pay for the disappointment of her past relationships, and says that her perceived mistrust of him was more about her fear of letting him get too close than it was his criminal history. Reed retorts that he's sooooo frustrated whenever people are reluctant to trust an ex-con and took that frustration out on her...then pulls her close, moans, "I need you", and gives her a big smooch. 

Sydney drops by the beach house that evening and finds Michael passed out on the bathroom floor. She races over to the phone to call for help, then caresses an overdosed Michael while assuring him he's going to be just fine. 

Billy tells Alison he opted for an airport cab 'cause he's a little afraid he won't actually board the plane if she's in the airport. She tells him she already has her plane ticket to the Big Apple and promises that they'll do lots of fun things together in the city...and after the two hug and kiss goodbye, Alison stares after him sadly as he lumbers out of the courtyard, clutching his suitcase. 

Recap: Michael is laying it on thick with his hobbling and stubborn intention of taking the bus to get around town so that Jane will gently chide him for pushing himself too far. He assures her he won't do anything that gets in the way of his full recovery, then natters about how lucky he is to have this second chance at life and vows to "do it right this time". 

Reed is packing up his stuff while Jo glumly tells him she's going to miss having him underfoot and sponging off of her. A few seconds later, Amanda drops by to deliver the newest annual rental agreement with the standard percentage increase...and once she's out of earshot, Jo grumbles about Amanda having the nerve to increase her rent, considering she's already very rich. Reed perks up at that intel, gives Jo a goodbye smooch, and heads out.

Amanda accidentally drops her papers in the courtyard, and Reed rushes over to help her pick them up and wanks her about how much he appreciates her savvy business sense, citing as proof her ownership of the apartment complex, the luxury car she drives, and her executive position at a top ad agency. He tells her that his dream in life is to start a charter boat business, from which a few lucky investors can earn as much as 20% on their investment. Amanda looks intrigued by the generous profit margin and invites him to give her the hard sales pitch tonight at the marina.

Over at Escapade Magazine, Celia tells Billy that her apartment is being fumigated for a week, and a worried Billy reminds her it could put a wrench in their workflow for the article they're currently writing. He suggests she stay at his/Alison's place during the fumigation, and Celia mulls that over for a few seconds before accepting his invitation, then rushes off to her apartment to pack up her stuff.
​
Later, as Celia unpacks her bags, Alison tells Billy she's not sure this living arrangement is such a good idea - but Billy assures her it'll be fine, and that they'll have the privacy of her bedroom while Celia bunks in the spare bedroom. As they smooch, Celia good-naturedly tells them to knock it off with the PDA, then informs them that she brought her own groceries 'cause she's super picky about eating only organic.

When Jane arrives home, she's surprised and delighted to find Michael cooking her a big dinner while babbling in a fake Italian accent. He praises her kindness for being there for him despite the mountain of adulterous shit he put her through earlier this season, calls her the most important person in his life, and vows to try very very hard to win back her trust. Jane assures him she's been forgiving him a little at a time, then leans in for a smooch.

Over by the pier, Reed explains to Amanda that since the owner of the boat he's now captaining is having financial problems, he's trying to come up with the cash to buy it...and by trying to come up with, he means he's looking for gullible "investors" to help him launch a charter business to use as a front for his post-prison drug dealing operation. Amanda peppers him with questions about the boat's engine, etc. and then explains that boats are a passion for her and that she was practically raised on her dad's yacht [which he, no doubt, purchased with his fraudulently obtained cash]. Reed gets all in her personal space and asks her if she's afraid of him or if she wonders whether or not this investment pitch was merely a ploy to get her to come to the marina, and Amanda chortles at his creepy weirdness, then says she's up for a short cruise so she can see this boat in action. As that's happening, Jo arrives at the pier and calls out to Reed...but he doesn't hear her as he starts up the engine, and so a crestfallen Jo is left watching him sail away with Amanda.

The next morning, Billy tells Alison that he and Celia worked on their article all night so they can meet their deadline, and adds that this living arrangement is working out great with respect to their writing process. Alison's like, "That's nice" and grumbles about how Celia drank all of her freshly squeezed orange juice.

​In the Melrose Place courtyard, Jo snarls at Amanda to stay out of her life and tells her she saw her taking a private boat cruise with Reed last night. She rails at Amanda for her annoying habit of going after other women's men, so Amanda explains that Reed was the one who approached her, and that the boat cruise was part of a pitch to get her to invest in his new charter business. Jo growls that she's not buying any of this and storms off - just as Jake wanders over to ask Amanda whassup with all the arguing. She tells him that Jo got the wrong idea about a business meeting she had with Reed aboard his boat to discuss an investment opportunity, and Jake scrunches his face concernedly and warns her that the guy is an ex-con. Amanda assures him that she's not interested in Reed or his business, not least 'cause he's a creepy weirdo who gives her the heebie-jeebies.  

Matt is trying in vain to get a table for one at an outdoor patio restaurant when his gaydar detects a friendly fellow diner who suggests they share a table and become acquainted. They introduce each other, then engage in small talk about Matt's social services job at the hospital. Snore. 

Sydney drops by the hospital to tell Michael that the court date for her ho hearing is coming up, and that she's somehow deluded herself into thinking he might wish to attend and offer her some much needed moral support. Michael sneers, "As if" and says he couldn't possibly be any less interested in doing that...and when Sydney reminds him that she helped him set up Robert, he points out that since he paid her bail, they're even. Sydney angrily threatens to tattle to Jane about his scheme to film Robert in bed with a hooker, and Michael counter-threatens to tattle about her involvement in hiring the hooker. As he hobbles away with his cane, Sydney yells after him that he can't just ignore her or shut her out of his life, and he smugly mutters, "I just did."

Matt complains to Jeffrey about how much he dislikes being a paper pusher in his current job and misses working in more of a hands on capacity the way he used to at the now defunct halfway house. When he asks Jeffrey what he does for living, Jeffrey dodges the question and invites Matt to his place for a one-on-one barbecue.
​
Jo boards Reed's boat and chides Reed for having a secret meeting with Amanda, aka the person she most hates in the world...and Reed assures her it was just business and that he had no clue how intensely she despises the woman. Jo sulkily asks why he didn't ask her to invest in his faux charter business, so he says that love and business don't mix - but Jo argues that love and [financial] support go hand in hand, declares that she's going to need some time to ponder their chemistry-free relationship, and haughtily stalks off. 

Alison returns home and finds a note from Billy and Celia, who are decompressing at Shooters after writing all day. Attached to the note is a draft of their article, asking her to read it over and offer any input she may have.

An emotionally overwrought Sydney goes to Jane's apartment to spill the entire can of beans about Michael's sinister plot to set up Robert with a hooker and a video camera...along with her sad (but brief) descent into an upscale prostitution ring. She confesses that Michael blackmailed her into hiring a fellow hooker to seduce Robert in exchange for keeping quiet about her arrest, and a stunned Jane's all, "OMG!" and agrees that Michael is a force for evil that has sucked them both into his web of lies. She then gives Sydney a sisterly hug and tells her she should have taken better care of her.

Jake tells Amanda he suspects that Reed is up to no good and is therefore getting increasingly concerned about Jo. Amanda agrees that, yep, Reed is creepy all right - but snarkishly reminds him that since he's no longer doinking Jo, her business isn't any of his business. So meow.

The next morning, Jane and Sydney hug their problems away, and Jane encourages her to come by any time she ever needs to talk about her life problems. Sydney leaves the apartment and happens to run into Michael...and as Jane tosses his belongings into the courtyard, Sydney sneeringly tells him she confessed all to Jane and that he's screwed. Michael rushes over to Jane and asks her if she's seriously going to believe her "two-bit slut of a sister", and Jane smacks him across the face and blames him for dragging Sydney down to his sewer levels. She rails about how gullible she was to have believed he changed and actually found herself attracted to him again...and when he begs her to listen to his side, she grabs his cane and throws it into the pool, then slams the door in his face.  

Celia thanks Alison for reading her/Billy's article and making such helpful notes, and remarks on what a great editor she is. Alison tells her that she and Billy seem to write really well together, and Celia admits that, implausible as it may be, Billy has a lot of talent...then laughingly asks her to not tell him she said that 'cause she doesn't want it to go to his head. 
​
A defeated looking Michael retreats to his beach house, dejectedly pulling his suitcase-on-wheels behind him. He stares at framed photographs of himself and Kimberly, then suddenly grimaces in sweaty pain as he swallows several painkillers. 

Jake shows up at the marina unannounced and snidely tells Reed he has "some operation going". When Reed asks him what the hell he wants, Jake says he came by to see what all of the hoopla is about, then abruptly chirps, "See ya!" and saunters off with an incensed Reed glaring after him.

Nancy Donner compliments Billy and Celia on their excellent article and jokingly suggests they make their current living arrangement permanent. She wanks them about how they're the best staff writers the magazine has, and that the brass would like to promote one of them to junior editor. To that end, they're going to be entered into a competition so that the big cheeses can make a fair assessment of who deserves the job most, then gives them each a copy of an article and says whoever makes the best edits wins.

Sydney arrives at Jane's apartment with a bucket of popcorn and a movie, and Jane decides 'ah what the hell, let's have a sisters only movie night' and invites her inside. A few seconds later, a drugged out Michael calls and slurringly guilts Jane for kicking him to the curb, then moans about how desperately he needs someone in his life. Jane snaps, "Make it someone else!" and slams the phone down...and Sydney, who's been listening in on the other line, grins in devilish delight. 

Reed is looking extra nefarious as he installs a lock on the trap door of a hidden cargo hold area in the boat's living room. An oblivious Jo arrives with a picnic basket, apologizes for her bitchitude earlier, and explains that she's had a long and pathetic history of hooking up with shady men. She somehow deems him "a wonderful relief", then kisses him and tells him she's sooooo glad they re-connected during the reunion episode, and that she doesn't want to waste anymore time not leaping head-first in a romantic entanglement with a sketchy loser who just got out of prison. She leans in for a smooch, and he gives her an intense smooch in return. 

Matt arrives at Jeffrey's apartment, and quickly gets miffed when the phone rings after Jeffrey told him he hadn't gotten it hooked up yet. When Matt demands to know why he's avoiding answering any questions about his life, Jeffrey walks over to his closet, pulls out his military garb, and explains that he's a lieutenant in the U.S. Navy...and that he's keeping mum about being gay as per the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. He tells Matt he can't risk telling his boss or his gay-unfriendly father the truth and face the cost of losing his job and/or family.

Reed wakes when he hears a noise aboard the boat, so he grabs his rifle and goes above deck to check it out...and is relieved when the culprit ends up being a stray cat.

Inside the courthouse, Jane sits in the spectators' section while a contrite Sydney stands in front of the judge and explains exactly how she went the ho and coke route, but then quickly decided it was a grotesque lifestyle she wanted to get out of pronto. She fibs that Kristian Alfonso was furious with her for wanting to quit, then testifies about how the undercover cop lured her to a hotel for a lucrative sexual transaction, and that she feared for her safety if she didn't do as he said. The judge calls the ridiculous sting operation clear evidence of entrapment and dismisses all charges - but warns Sydney she won't have a second chance to get off scot-free. Sydney vehemently promises to not fall back into hooking and drugging, and then she and Jane hug at the happy outcome.

Nancy Donner announces that Billy won the editing competition, which means he's the magazine's newest junior editor...and that he's urgently needed to start his new job that's located in - surprise! - New York City. Billy stares back at her in stunned bewilderment and pretends that moving across the country with zero notice is absolutely no problem...instead of pointing out that it would've been fucking nice if she'd mentioned that salient detail about the position prior to roping him into a competition for it.   

Recap: Michael cooks Jane an elaborate breakfast of scrambled eggs and cheddar cheese, and she applauds his thoughtfulness - but tells him to stop calling her sweetheart on account of they're not married anymore and it's completely inappropriate. She says that since he's so self-sufficient maybe it's time he moved back to his beach house, but Michael begs her to let him stay longer and insists that it's because of her kind heartedness that he's making such rapid progress with his physical therapy. Jane warns him that Robert, who's returning from San Diego tomorrow, isn't thrilled about this living arrangement...and makes it clear to Michael that he's a house guest whose days on her sofa bed are numbered. 

Jo tells Reed she's more than happy to put him up in her apartment while he's sorting out his life, then asks him why he never mentioned anything during the reunion episode about imminently moving to L.A. Reed explains that seeing her at the reunion inspired him to move to a city where no one knows him, and Jo concurs that it's definitely a great place where one can reinvent oneself. She warns him that her fellow Melrose Place residents are going to be all in her bidness about who he is and why he's hanging around so much, then firmly declares that she wants to take things slow and is willing to wait a looooong time to see if their platonic friendship blossoms into anything more. 

Over at D&D, Amanda is being interviewed by police detectives regarding the whereabouts of her felonious father, and they warn her that if she doesn't rat him out pronto, she could be found guilty of aiding and abetting a known criminal. Amanda dismissively tells them their time is up, and that she refuses to say anything without her lawyer present. She haughtily reminds them that her father is innocent until proven otherwise, and they're like, "Yeah, sure...whatever." 

Michael stops by Shooters to ask Sydney if she booked the hooker in preparation for Operation Get Robert Out of Jane's Life, and tells her that since Robert is returning to L.A. tomorrow, the seduction has to happen tonight. Sydney assures him that the hooker has been hired and briefed about her mission - but warns that the sleazy scheme might not work, given how much Robert loves Jane. Michael's all, "Oh please" and insists that Robert is no better than any other man who wouldn't think twice about jumping into the sack with a beautiful woman he rubs up against during a business trip, then reminds Sydney he wants the videotaped proof of the illicit dalliance as soon as humanly possible.  

Amanda is summoned to a meeting with her superior, Bruce Teller, and a disgruntled looking Alison. Bruce tells Amanda it's come to his attention that Alison has a bone to pick with her regarding the bitchy way she removed her from a lucrative account she landed...so Amanda explains that it was a punishment for Alison engaging in some canoodley unprofessional behavior with Steve McMillan, which negatively impacted her job performance. Alison vehemently denies that her flirtation with Steve affected her ability to work effectively on the campaign...and Bruce asks her to step outside so he can chide Amanda in private, instruct her to put Alison back on the MicroComp account, and order her to take some time off work so she can fully get her brain around her father's current outlaw situation.

That evening, Alison happily reports to Billy that she's back on the MicroComp account, and that she's pleased with herself for being assertive enough to approach Bruce and lodge a complaint against Amanda's bitchitude. She then says she feels a tiny bit bad about Amanda being forced to take time off 'cause of what's going down with her father - but also can't help recognize that this is the ideal opportunity to demonstrate to the D&D brass what a talented and resourceful PR expert she's become. Billy enthusiastically agrees and encourages her to do everything, both underhanded and on the up-and-up, to show the company what a valuable team member she is.

As Michael eavesdrops from the living room, Jane is on the phone with Robert, who's grumbling about Michael continuing to live in her apartment when it's long past time for him to resume his own life in his own home. The two coo about how much they miss each other, and Robert says he's off to the hotel's restaurant to get some dinner, then plans to hit the sack early.

Robert is eating his dinner when the brunette hooker Sydney hired to seduce him (Diane Adamson) stands in front of his table, fibs about being in town on business to sell computer systems to zoos, and asks if she can join him for dinner 'cause she's just sooooo tired of eating alone. Robert decides 'sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?', and Diane motions the waiter over and orders a bottle of wine.

Amanda lets herself into Jake's apartment, and he's all, "The fuck?" and reminds her that up until a day ago she'd been desperate to evict him. Amanda apologizes for her cunty behavior, says she'd really just like to sweep it under the rug, and - to that end - invites him to jet with her to Hawaii during her enforced vacation time from D&D. Jake's all 'yay!' at the mention of Hawaii and plants her lips with a big smooch.

Robert and Diane are enjoying lively dinner conversation as Robert gets visibly tipsy from all the wine he's being urged to drink and somehow can't say no to. Diane offers to pay the check as long as he's willing to ensure that she safely reaches her hotel room, and he decides 'sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?' and walks her to her door, then is easily persuaded to come inside for a "nightcap". The two start smooching amorously...and when Diane suggests they indulge in a night of orgasmic pleasure that no one else could ever possibly find out about, Robert responds by continuing to kiss her. The two strip off their clothes, then get it on while a video camera that's aimed at the bed captures every moan, grunt, and thrust.

Alison tells Bruce Teller she's concerned that D&D is screwing the pooch with their Mountain Togs client and worries that they're going to lose the account if they don't step up and do a better job of meeting this company's advertising needs. Bruce agrees that he too has sensed their dissatisfaction and gives Alison the green light to pitch some fresh new ideas to the client, provided that she keeps Amanda in the loop. Alison manages to keep a straight face as she fake promises to do exactly that.  

While aboard a Hawaii-bound plane, Amanda insists on calling the office to check in and quickly learns that Alison and Bruce are in a meeting about the Mountain Togs account. Amanda's all, "The fuck?", tells her assistant she'll be back at work tomorrow to give Alison the what for for gunning for her job, then breaks it to Jake that their Hawaii vacay is over before it ever began.

Michael drops by Sydney's apartment to see about Robert's sex tape, which I assume Diane speedily delivered from San Diego not long after Robert pulled out. Sydney cackles about how super hot it is, then plays a snippet of the tape, which shows Robert moaning as Diane pleasures him. A delighted Michael gushes about how thrilled he is with the results.

Jane notices a package sitting in front of her door with the note Something you'll be interested in seeing - but before she has a chance to watch the videotape inside, Robert arrives...and the two smooch, coo about how much they missed the other while he was in San Diego, and agree that they want Michael to move out of her apartment by tomorrow.

Jo enters her apartment and is confronted by a gun toting Reed, who glares at her all sinister-like and orders her to put her bag of groceries down slowly and shut the door. Jo rolls her eyes [at the eerie foreshadowing] and asks him what the hell he's doing with her gun, so he pretends to have stumbled upon it while looking for cleaning supplies. He decrees that she no longer needs a gun now that he's in her life, and Jo chides him for making assumptions about their still just platonic relationship...but then indulges in some kissy canoodling with the weirdo.

Michael is staring over at Jane's apartment through Sydney's living room window, irked and puzzled about why Jane hasn't yet kicked Robert to the curb.

During some post-coital afterglow, Robert tells Jane he's no longer going to be willing to be dispatched to his firm's San Diego office and doesn't care about the short-staffed situation. Jane says she likes the idea of him always being around, then gets up to fetch them a drink of water. While in the kitchen, she suddenly remembers the mysterious videotape that someone delivered to her doorstep and hits play on her VCR...and is immediately horrified when she sees that the sex tape footage, date-stamped yesterday, is of Robert going at it with an attractive brunette. She storms over to the bedroom and yells at Robert to get the hell out of her apartment...and when he's all, "Wha-at's happening??!", she tells him to go watch the videotaped proof of his infidelity for himself. After the two watch a few seconds of the sex tape that Robert can only respond to by admitting that, yep, he's just been busted all right, Jane screams at him to get out, and throws his clothes out the front door. Michael, who's watching the drama unfold from Sydney's living room window, grins gleefully. 

The next morning, Jane asks Michael if he was the sick fuck who sent her a sex tape starring Robert, and Michael pretends to have no earthly idea what she's talking about and does his best to look shocked and appalled that Robert would cheat on her. When Jane glares at him accusingly, he asks how on earth he'd even acquire a tape of Robert doinking another woman, then points out that the culprit could be any number of Robert's disgruntled ex-clients or spouses of ex-clients seeking revenge. He then suggests that perhaps she's being too hard on Robert and points out that his one night stand proves anyone can slip up...and Jane stares contemplatively into space as she mulls over that nugget of logic. 

At D&D, Alison and Bruce are meeting with the owners of Mountain Togs, who are deeply impressed with the brilliance of Alison's proposed campaign slogan: You don't have to climb mountains to wear Mountain Togs. They gush about how this type of forward thinking is exactly what's been missing at D&D until now...and a few seconds later, Amanda rushes into the conference room to join the about-to-adjourn meeting. As Bruce sees the clients out, Amanda accuses Alison of poaching her clients and ominously warns, "Poachers get shot." She then storms over to Bruce to ask him what in blazes is going on around here, so he tells her to chillax and explains that Alison was merely pitching a few new ideas to which the clients seemed to respond well...and that because she (Amanda) is so clearly overworked, overstressed, [and obnoxiously territorial,] he wants Alison to handle this account from now on.

Michael is at his physical therapy session when Robert interrupts to angrily accuse him of setting him up with the brunette and her video camera. Michael smugly retorts that he can't expect to take everything he's worth in a divorce settlement, including his wife...and when Robert says he's sure that Jane will be able to see the vast differences between them, Michael points out the most important difference: when he cheats on his wife, it's with another doctor - not a whore. Robert stares back at him in dismayed, icked out bewilderment.

When Alison asks Amanda to hand over all of her Mountain Togs files, Amanda irritably tells her that this type of poaching isn't very sporting...and warns that she can play dirty too, and almost always wins. After Alison leaves her office, Amanda calls Billy and says they need to talk pronto...and the two arrange to meet up later at Shooters.

Reed calls Jo to invite her to swing by the marina for a nice dinner, and Jo agrees to meet him there at 8pm.

Amanda tells Billy that Alison is after her job, and - to that end - is brazenly taking advantage of her current dad problems. She implores Billy to convince Alison to back off with her D&D client poaching so that she (Amanda) doesn't have to resort to dirty tricks of her own and involve him in her payback. When Billy just stares back at her mutely, his dumb face scrunched in puzzlement, Amanda spells out that she has no problem spilling the beans about the two of them hooking up three episodes ago. Billy responds by getting up, paying the check, and coldly saying, "See ya" before stalking out of the bar. 

Reed takes Jo aboard a boat...and when she worriedly wrings her hands about someone catching them trespassing, he explains that he got a job as the boat's captain and plans to live on it. He then steers her over to the deck, where he's arranged for a table to be set for a romantic, candlelit dinner...and Jo looks impressed by the fun surprise and gives him a kiss.

The next morning, while lazing naked in bed together, Jo half-heartedly laments not taking things slow with him, but agrees that it's too late to go back to being platonic friends. Reed says he's more than ready to experience life again after being locked up for two years, and the two start up with another smoochfest. 

Alison tells Amanda she's decided to give her back the Mountain Togs account 'cause this type of underhanded bitchery really isn't her style. Amanda nods approvingly and says she was mostly miffed about it 'cause she was under the odd delusion that they're friends, then says she won't hold the quest for personal advancement against her. She tells Alison it's OK with her if she keeps the account, not least 'cause it was a mandate from her boss, but warns her not to blow it with the clients 'cause she won't be there to fix shit if things go awry.

That evening, Alison tells Billy that she and Amanda had an interesting heart-to-heart...and a panicked Billy translates that to mean Amanda confessed their one night stand. As he twitches nervously, Alison natters about how everything between her and Amanda is A-OK, now that they've agreed Alison stole the client account fair and square...and Billy looks relieved that his indiscretion remains undiscovered and leans in for a congratulatory kiss. 

Michael cooks Jane an elaborate dinner and explains that it took a brush with death for him to get his priorities in order. He suggests they put their messy past behind them and says he's never stopped loving her...and Jane gives him a happy hug while Sydney stands outside the apartment, creepily watching them through the window and looking less than thrilled at their cozy togetherness.

Recap: Billy is exercising in the living room when Alison announces that she's heading over to Jo's apartment for breakfast...and after she leaves, Billy covertly watches her from the window, then sneaks up to Amanda's apartment once the coast is clear. Amanda gives Billy's sweaty body an appreciative once-over and asks him to what she owes this pleasant surprise, so he tells her he wants to make it crystal clear to her that he's back with Alison now...and that he'd appreciate her keeping mum about their sexcapade two episodes ago. A disappointed Amanda says she had, for some God-only-knows-why reason, been clinging to the assumption that their passionate liaison meant a second chance at a relationship...but then shoots him the stink-eye and says that that was until she forgot one important detail, and snappishly  mutters, "You're a kid" before shutting the door in his face. 

Jo tells Alison she's contemplating attending her tenth high school reunion in San Francisco, and Alison points out that that could be great fun...then wanks Jo about how her super successful photography career is sure to impress her former classmates. Jo mulls that over and decides 'ah, what the hell could possibly go wrong with me attending the reunion?'

Michael once again thanks Jane again for opening her home to him while he recuperates and says he's making great strides with his physiotherapy. He then notices the earrings she's wearing and gleefully points out that she's wearing the gift that he - meaning not Robert - bought for her for Christmas. Jane points out that she's also wearing the pendant Robert gave her and says she always keeps it close to her heart, then informs Michael that she and Robert are going out this evening and that he shouldn't wait up. Mmm hmm..

Amanda slides an eviction notice under Jake's door, prompting him to burst it open and chide her for being too cowardly to hand the notice to him in person. Amanda just shrugs and says there's nothing left for her to say and that he needs to be out by next week. Jake argues that evicting him without cause is illegal, warns that he's refusing to just disappear, and insists that Papa Woodward was the one who committed fraud at the garage. Amanda's like, "Blah blah blah.." and growls at him to get outa Melrose Place and outa her life forever.

Amanda shows up at Jo's beach photoshoot, explains that she's doing everything possible to evict Jake from Melrose Place, and would appreciate it if she would join forces with her in that effort and write a letter detailing all of the damage Jake did to her apartment during the Of Bikes and Men episode. Jo says she's not interested in screwing over Jake despite the horrible way their relationship ended, then tells Amanda to give up "the sisterhood crap" and calls her out on only ever being out for herself.   ​

During physiotherapy, Michael struggles to walk on his flopsy legs, and grows frustrated when he can't get them to work. The therapist barks at him to try harder and insults him in an effort to make him angry enough to somehow force his legs into motion...but a pissed off Michael just falls face-down. A few seconds later, he stares into space with a stunned expression and says he just felt some movement in his legs...and the therapist swiftly helps him up so that he can continue to try walking.   

That evening, Jo drops by Jake's place to tell him she's more than happy to re-loan him the 15K he repaid her after he got the advance from Papa Woodward - but he insists on paying his own bills and, to that end, is in the process of looking for work. Jo asks him why, in the name of all that is holy, he ever hooked up with a toxic tart like Amanda, and he grins and replies, "You know me, I love a challenge." 

Sydney is delighted to encounter Michael at one of her tables at Shooters and presumptuously seats herself across from him. He grumbles at her to leave him alone and harshly reminds her that they're not friends...so Sydney admonishes him for sucking up to Jane, who she insists is unlikely to ever want to take him back after he cheated on her with Kimberly and then her own sister. Michael says he couldn't give the tiniest of rat's asses about her opinion, so a fed up Sydney yells about how tired she is of the "over the hill, oversexed jerkoffs" at Melrose Place and plans to get herself a nice apartment elsewhere. [Sounds like the wisest idea Sydney's had, pretty much ever.] After she huffily stomps off, an amused looking Jake wanders over and seats himself across from Michael so the two can commiserate about how emotional women can be...but then is all 'the fuuuuuck, dude?!' when Michael confesses to hitting the sheets with Sydney.

Jane and Robert are going at it in her bedroom when Jake helps Michael into the apartment and gets him settled in his sofa bed. When they hear Jane loudly moaning with pleasure, Jake tells Michael he's welcome to bunk at his place for the night - but Michael declines, then stares despondently into space as he listens to Jane's 'Ooooohh Robert' orgasmic noises. 

The next morning, Jane and Robert are canoodling in the kitchen and cooing about how much they're going to miss one another when Robert is dispatched to his firm's San Diego office for the next four days. Robert cackles about how funny it is that her ex-husband is in the next room, and Jane assures that this idiotic living arrangement isn't going to be in place for much longer. After Robert heads off to work, Michael - who's been covertly eavesdropping on the conversation -  pretends to wake up from a fitful sleep, then points out to Jane that he's speedily graduated from his wheelchair to a pair of crutches and could use a congratulatory kiss. Jane declines the kiss, says she's proud of him, and that it'll be good for both of them when he's fully mobile and able to live his own life...far away from her Melrose Place apartment. 

Amanda summons Alison to her office to bitchily inform her that she's taking her off the MicroComp account, citing her canoodley unprofessionalism with Steve as the reason. A stunned Alison reminds her that she landed the account, built the entire campaign, and ultimately refrained from hitting the sheets with Steve - but Amanda says she doesn't buy it as evidenced by 1) the two of them spending Thanksgiving together in her San Francisco hotel room, and 2) the fancy new jeep he bought for her. An incensed Alison insists that taking MicroComp away from her is unfair, but Amanda just coldly orders her to hand over the account's files pronto.

At Shooters, Sydney waits on a customer named Roy who gives her a lecherous once-over and tells her that Kristian Alfonso passed along her name with the message that 'a date with Sydney would be something you'd remember for a loooooong time'. Sydney passes and informs him that she's no longer a ho, but Roy follows her as she winds her way through the restaurant and gushes about his weakness for redheads and that he has lots of cash he'd like to shower upon her. Sydney mulls that over and throws out a $2,000 price tag, and he beams in horny approval.

Hickman High reunion! Jo arrives at the school decked out in a shapeless black outfit draped with some kind of colorful velvety cape that looks like a large throw blanket. She checks in and is instructed by the stereotypically perky alum managing the registration desk to put on her nametag and mingle. As Jo tentatively wanders around, nametag-less, she runs into an old crush: a shady looking guy named Reed Carter. The two perk up at the sight of each other, decide to make a break for the nearest exit in order to avoid the impending pep rally, and reminisce about old times. After some banter about how hard each crushed on the other throughout high school, Reed leans in for a smooch and invites Jo back to his hotel room for a "nightcap". Jo suggests they instead meet for breakfast tomorrow morning, and Reed chucklingly agrees, and marvels about how there's always so much going on inside that head of hers. 

Billy returns home from work and finds a depressed Alison laying in bed, eating pizza and watching TV. She explains that Amanda upset her so much at work today that she's created a bed/eatery cocoon for herself, and is quick to point out that this time her excessive moping doesn't include alcohol. She scrunches her face in puzzlement and tells Billy she can't figure out why Amanda suddenly hates her so much, and Billy gives her a comforting hug and mumbles that he can't fathom what could possibly have brought that on. 

Jake is enraged when he sees that Amanda has tossed all of his belongings into the courtyard and changed the lock on his door. He screeches at Amanda to get her ass downstairs, and she hurriedly descends the staircase while threatening to call the police for disturbing the peace. She explains that he's officially evicted 'cause his rent check bounced, then orders him to leave the premises...and Jake responds by kicking in his door. Amanda's all, "The fuck?!" and warns him that he's in deep trouble for the destruction of her property, then claims that she has an additional witness - Jo - who wrote out a complaint about all the damage he once did to her apartment. Jake makes a 'yeah right' face and calls that crap, and Amanda warns him to be gone by morning. 

Sydney arrives at a hotel to service Roy, and he asks her to specify how much money she's charging and exactly what his penis will be getting in return. Sydney ignores that gigantic red flag and gaily tells him that for $2,000 he'll get the best sex of his life. Roy smugly hands over a wad of cash...and after she accepts it and says she's ready to get down to some ho-action, he handcuffs her, places her under arrest, and reads her her rights. [OK, I'm no expert in the undercover policing of hos...but this entire "sting operation" seems ridiculously entrapmenty.]
​ 
Sydney is booked at the police station, then gets bailed out for $500 by Michael. She tells him she's grateful for his help and calls the arrest a huge misunderstanding...but when he says he doesn't buy that for a second, she sheepishly admits to falling into prostitution after meeting a charismatic madam who quickly hooked her up with rich men who like to pay good looking women for sex. Michael cacklingly exclaims, "I can't believe this, you're a whore!" - but Sydney insists she's no longer living the ho lifestyle, then begs him to swear he'll never tell anyone, especially Jane. He promises to keep quiet, but makes it clear that she owes him big, and that he doesn't want any crap when he comes around to collect.

Over breakfast, Jo gives Reed a quick recap of her post-high school life, so then he tells her he just got out of a federal penitentiary after serving two years for a drug charge. As Jo pales and is all, "Wha-a-a-a??", he explains that he used to run a boat chartering business in the Florida Keys, and that, unbeknownst to him, one of his customers was a drug smuggler and he somehow got tangled up in the drug bust when the Coast Guard raided the boat. Sounds kind of implausible and shifty, but OK. Jo chews on that tall tale for a few seconds, then applauds his courage in coming right out and telling her about his prison time...but when Reed suggests they spend the next couple of days touring California wine country, she hastily says she has to work and insists that she's not at all turned off by "the jail thing".

Later, Jo returns home and tells Alison about reconnecting with her old high school crush...and that she's about to fall hook, line, and sinker for his bullcack about being wrongly arrested/imprisoned on a faux drug charge. 

Amanda flees her apartment, screeching at Jake about an exploding water emergency in her kitchen. He clucks faux sympathetically, reminds her that she just evicted him, and suggests she call a plumber. A few seconds later, Billy exits his apartment dressed in only a towel and reports a serious water problem in his bathroom...so Jake agrees to remedy the building's plumbing issues in exchange for not being evicted, and Amanda reluctantly agrees. 

Jo stops by Jake's place to inform him that the 15K check he made out to her bounced, and Jake wryly tells her that the feds have frozen any money he earned from Papa Woodward's garage. He then tells her that Amanda claims she (Jo) wrote a letter complaining about him once trashing her apartment, and Jo growls about what a liar she is, and that he should really try to hook up with someone who actually cares about him. Jake looks momentarily alarmed and gently breaks it to Jo that he has zero desire for the two of them to ever get back together, and she marvels at his ego and assures him that hitting the sheets with him again is the very last thing on her mind. 

The next morning, Amanda calls a plumber to her suite and asks him to upgrade her fixtures and safety valve...but to put off any improvements to the rest of the apartments until a later time (circa never). A few seconds later, she gets a phone call from her father, who summons her to an important tête-à-tête in a nearby park.

Papa Woodward tells Amanda that his legal troubles don't look good...then admits that, yep, he's totally guilty of all the fraud crimes he's been charged with and that Jake accused him of. An aghast Amanda moans, "Daddy, noooooo.." as he apologizes for lying to her about what a two-bit fraudster he's been his whole life. He then tells her that since he can safely assume he wouldn't last in jail, he's going to disappear for a very long time...and Amanda mutters, "This can't be happening." Papa Woodward assures her it is, but that since she's a grown woman he's going to breezily assume that she's going to be just fine. He weakly promises to make it up to her - but she firmly says no and abruptly gets up and stalks off. 

Michael drops by Sydney's apartment to collect on the favor she owes him, namely to hire the most gorgeous hooker she knows to seduce Robert while he's in San Diego and videotape the encounter. Sydney says she's doubtful that Robert will fall for such a sleazy scheme, but Michael is confident that that, like all men when it comes to the prospect of a sexy liaison with a seductive stranger, Robert will "snap like a twig".

Jo is on her way back from the laundry room when Reed suddenly appears in the Melrose Place courtyard and startles her. He tells her he's been waiting around for her for awhile, and she stares back at him with a mixture of annoyance and unease. 

Amanda pays Jake a visit to sheepishly admit that he was right all along about her father's illegal car shenanigans, then tears up and wails about how the fraudster's been lying to her for years. Jake rolls his eyes with an 'I told you so' expression etched across his face, but then pulls her towards him for a comforting hug. ​

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: After a night of lusty passion, Billy wakes up in Amanda's bed with a 'what the fuck have I done?' expression on his dumb face. He springs out of the bed and is hurriedly gathering his clothes when Amanda appears in the doorway looking pleased and satiated with last night's liaison. She tells him it's fairly unsurprising that they'd end up in the sack together, given their recent splits with their now former significant others...then coos about how awesomely he nailed her last night. A few seconds later, Alison drops by to ask Amanda if she can have the day off to go Christmas shopping, and Amanda invites her in to chat about it, causing a panicked (and pants-less) Billy to quietly beat a hasty retreat. He flees to Jake's apartment and manages to get fully dressed by the time Jake emerges from his bedroom, grumbling about how the shit hit the fan last night when he told Amanda about partnering with the FBI to help arrest her shady pa.

Alison stops by Jake's apartment looking for Billy...and when Jake fibs and says he's not home, she tells him to please pass along a message to Billy to come to D&D's Christmas party after 5pm. After she leaves, Billy steps back into the living room and says he heard the message first hand, and Jake advises him to give Alison a chance to explain and/or come clean about her recent trip to Steve's ranch.

Matt promises Nikki that he's going to brighten her spirits by getting her a Christmas tree and throwing a Christmas Eve party. She tells him she likes the sound of that, but would also really like to experience snow...and Matt's like, "Since we live in L.A., the best I can do is rent the movie White Christmas", and Nikki seems satisfied enough with that. 
​
Alison and Jo are ambling around the city as they go Christmas shopping...and I guess this means Jo's suddenly no longer mad at Alison for flirting with Steve. Alison laments Billy's cold treatment of her and says there's no reason for it, given that she and Steve never even got any kind of real relationship off the ground. Jo's like, "Yeah, whatever" and suggests that they temporarily put their cares away and mope their way through Christmas together.

Michael self-piteously complains to Jane that he's unable to decorate her Christmas tree 'cause it's too high for him to reach now that he's confined to a wheelchair...then grumbles about Jane being in love with Robert, aka not "half a man" such as himself, and then dejectedly wheels out of the room. 

Billy arrives at the D&D Christmas party and is greeted by a giddy Amanda, who assumes that he's in attendance to see her. She rushes off to get him some eggnog when Alison arrives at the party and pulls Billy aside so that they can speak privately. She insists that there was no penetrating hanky panky between her and Steve at the ranch, and that - for whatever God-only-knows-why reason - she prefers being with a bonehead like him over an attractive, affable, fabulously wealthy CEO who owns a lovely ranch. Billy poutishly replies that he's very upset she even considered sleeping with Steve, firmly tells her that his answer to a reconciliation is no, and huffs off like the bitchy little sucky-man he is. Amanda ambles over and asks Alison what that exchange was all about, and Alison mumbles about how it's just another "Christmas wish up in smoke" ... and Amanda grins happily at her obvious distress.

Jane introduces Michael to the private nurse she just hired to tend to him while she goes off and celebrates Christmas with Robert and his friends and family...and Michael looks less than thrilled by heavyset, no-nonsense Nurse Colleen. Jane leaves Nurse Colleen the number where she can be reached in case of emergency, wishes Michael a Merry Christmas, and heads out. Michael immediately tries to fire Nurse Colleen, but she wryly tells him that Jane warned he'd try that and is to ignore him, then declares it bath time and forcibly wheels him down the hall as he desperately cries out for help. 

Amanda runs into Jake as he's loafing on the stairwell leading to her apartment and snarkishly reminds him that she's looking for any kind of legal avenue with which she can evict him from the premises. Jake tries to explain that he didn't have a choice about helping the FBI, but Amanda insists, "There are always choices" and says he could have come to her and/or warned her pa [despite neither of those being feasible options that don't risk his own arrest]. Jake asks her if she really truly seriously believes that her shitty father is innocent of the fraud charges, and she says she does...and that she regrets not listening to her pa when he warned her to avoid hooking up with a gold digging grease monkey.

Sydney is working at Shooters when she runs into Kristian Alfonso, who hands her a vial of coke (I'll assume) so that she can snort her way through the holidays, along with a piece of paper that has the name and details of her next john assignment. She advises Sydney to dump this waitressing job now that she's her number one ho [that was one fast rise up the ho chain!], but Sydney points out that the waitressing job is her cover with Jane and the rest of the Melrose Place gang in case they ever spend any time wondering how she's making a living.   

Nikki gets a Christmas package from Katya in the mail, as well as a letter moaning about how much she misses her. Matt gives the tot a fatherly cuddle and assures her they're going to have a great Christmas together, and a grateful Nikki tells him he's her best friend.

Jake and Billy are going Christmas tree shopping in the very same lot that Jo and Alison are going Christmas tree shopping. Each twosome then spots their dream tree - what a coincidence, it's the same tree! - and begin tugging at it from opposite sides before agreeing to stop fighting over this modest sized tree and buy one gigantic tree for the Melrose Place courtyard.

Sydney is in a hotel room with her john, a depressed older man who at first resists Sydney's hooker action and sadly tells her he had nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than to hire a lady of the evening. He encourages Sydney to break the ice by telling him about herself, so she tells him she hasn't been hooking long, fibs about being in college studying fashion design, and declares that one day she's going to be a very very important person of some sort. The john appears to get aroused by the bio and starts stroking Sydney's hair and kissing her...while a despondent Sydney stares tearfully into space.

Michael bitches at Nurse Colleen, who admonishes him for lashing out and acting as though he's the only person to have ever faced a potential disability. Michael admits he's pretty freaked out by the prospect of never walking again or not being able to practice medicine...and when they both hear the commotion of Jake, Jo, Alison, and Billy returning to the courtyard with their monster Christmas tree, Michael sadly says they're no longer his friends after burning so many bridges in the aftermath of his/Jane's messy split. 

Billy curtly tells Alison he's flying out tomorrow morning so that he can spend Christmas with his family, and she wishes him a safe trip and Happy Holidays before staring sadly into the distance. 

Sydney stops in at a church to sit in the confessional and admit that she's been lying to her family and the Melrose Place gang about how she's been earning money for the past three episodes. She admits to being a prostitute and using drugs, then starts crying and wailing about how deeply ashamed of her slutty/druggy self she is. 

Billy is at the airport, sprinting from one gate to another in order to find a non-overbooked flight so that he can fly home and visit his family.

A now cheerier Michael asks Nurse Colleen if she wouldn't mind driving him over to Robert's condo, but she declines before pointing out that he wasn't actually invited to Robert's Christmas party and for some reason cares about what an arse he'd make of himself if he were to show up unannounced. Michael stubbornly insists on seeing Jane this evening - the arse he's sure to make of himself be damned! - then picks up the phone and calls a cab.  

Over at Casa Wilson, Robert is toasting Jane for coming into his life...and after that heartwarming moment, Jane ambles over to the terrace and happens to spot Michael exiting a cab and wheeling himself towards Robert's condo building. She rushes downstairs and asks Michael whassup with him showing up at her boyfriend's Christmas party uninvited, so he assures her he's not here to make a scene, but rather apologize for being a jerk about her and Robert dating. A few seconds later, an infuriated Robert emerges from the building, angrily tells Michael he's not welcome at his party, and barks at Jane to come back inside with him. Michael responds by begging for forgiveness from both of them for being "a complete bastard", then tearfully lamenting what a huge burden he now is on everyone around him. Robert rolls his eyes, brusquely accepts Michael's apology, then turns to head back inside...but when Michael wheels away, doing his best to look like the world's saddest sad sack, Jane tells Robert she can't just leave her crippled ex aimlessly rolling along the streets of L.A. by himself. She tells Robert she's going to drive Michael home and will call him later, but he growls, "Don't bother" and storms off.

As the Melrose Place Christmas party gets into full swing, Amanda saunters over to where Jake's barbecuing to say hey, but that she's really only being polite to him for Nikki's sake. Billy makes a surprise appearance "disguised" as Santa...and Nikki's all, "Hi Billy!" and proceeds to hand out the gifts from his sack. Alison happily tells Billy that him staying in town for the holiday is the best Christmas present ever - just as Jane spots a mopier-than-usual Sydney entering the courtyard and invites her to join the festivities. Sydney wearily says she's all partied out, tearfully wishes her sister a Merry Christmas, and gives her a holiday hug. 

Matt gets a call from Katya, then wanders around the Melrose Place courtyard, his face contorted into a grim expression. He pulls Nikki aside and tells her that the producers want to dump the tedious Russian Green Card Bride storyline asap, which means her mom is now staying in Moscow forever, and that she booked her on the soonest available flight. Nikki says she's excited to see her mommy again, even if it means having to grow up in Russia, and leans in for a hug while Matt pretends to stare miserably into space.

Alison wakes up on Christmas morning and catches Billy in the act of stuffing her Christmas stocking with goodies. Alison sheepishly says she didn't get him anything this year, and that she can't blame him for being angry at her - but Billy tells her that he's been stupidly overlooking the most important detail of her reconciliation attempt: she chose him over Steve. Alison beams and says she's soooooo happy he gets that, then saucily tells him she's always wanted to kiss Santa Claus and plants his lips with a big smooch.

Jane and Michael are exchanging Christmas gifts when Robert drops by to apologize to Jane for being such a grumpy-pants last night, and to give her her Christmas gift: a beautiful diamond necklace. Jane is overwhelmed by its sparkly beauty and gives him a thank you kiss as a dejected looking Michael sneakily peers at them through the window.
​
Kristian Alfonso drops by Sydney's apartment to wish her a Merry Christmas and present her with a ginormous goody basket. Sydney responds by glumly handing her the cash from last night's sexcapade, then says to consider it her official resignation from hooking. Kristian Alfonso assures her she totally understands her decision...and that while it's a shame to lose her number one ho, she's sure her prostitution ring will survive. She then generously lets Sydney keep all the cash, and says she can always call if she ever changes her mind about wanting to sell her body for sex. That conversation went a whole lot better than I would have expected, considering the violently short fuse Kristian Alfonso demonstrated after Sydney bailed on the S&M john.

Matt is at the airport with Nikki, bidding her a final farewell before she boards her flight to Russia. The two hug goodbye, make half-hearted promises to keep in touch and visit from time to time, and part ways when Nikki is ushered by the flight attendant towards the boarding gate. She then suddenly does the TV tropey thing all sad kids departing from airports do and runs back to Matt and leaps into his arms to bid him a final final tearful farewell. She promises to never forget him, then runs back to the flight attendant to board her flight and never be seen on Melrose Place again. Godspeed, Nikki!

Alison and Billy are kissing under a mistletoe in the Melrose Place courtyard when Amanda emerges from her apartment and looks less than thrilled by the canoodly spectacle. 

Recap: Jane wheels Michael over to the breakfast table and reminds him that she's only allowing him to stay in her apartment 'cause he has no better options. She makes it clear that her life has taken on a fun new pattern that involves dating Robert, and that she has no intention of altering this pattern while he's recuperating in her living room. Michael pretends to be in full agreement with everything she just said and fake assures her that he has no intention of cramping her style.

Over at D&D, Amanda happily reports to Steve and Alison that MicroComp's sales increased dramatically during Phase One of their campaign, and gets Steve's assurance that he's going to retain D&D's services for the next series of phases. Steve applauds the impressive work D&D has done for his company, and singles out Alison's efforts. Alison blushingly tells him they're going to need to meet next week to flesh out campaign ideas for the future phases, but Steve says he'll be sending his rep to that on account of he'll be in Paris for the next six months, setting up MicroComp's European division. Amanda congratulates him on going international so quickly, while a crestfallen Alison trails out of the conference room after Steve and asks whassup with him not telling her about his imminent move to Paris. He tells her he's leaving L.A. so he can get over her, apologizes for complicating her relationship with Billy, and vows to soon be out of her life for good. He curtly says, "Take care, Alison" - just as Amanda sidles up next to her and snarks, "You really let that slip through your fingers, didn't you?" Meow.

At Escapade Magazine, Nancy informs Billy and Celia of a feature article emergency, then explains that this month's article about a cult was ordered shelved by their legal department after the cult threatened to sue. She says she now needs another titillating piece to publish and tells Billy and Celia that she's going out on a huge limb by giving them the opportunity to fill this gap. The two assure her they're up to the challenge of covering an important, hard-hitting issue of the day...then visibly deflate when Nancy smilingly tells them that her topic of choice is video dating. She instructs them to sign up with the video dating service, Mate Matcher, then team up to write an article that sums up their collective experience. As Billy and Celia look less than thrilled by getting saddled with such an inane puff piece, Nancy urges them to warm up to this journalistic challenge and get cracking.  

Jake hands over documented proof of Papa Woodward's vintage car selling scam to the FBI, and Agent Hill thanks him and says they plan to continue gathering evidence in order to make the case as airtight as possible. Jake kind of chuckles and asks if this whole investigation isn't a bit "penny ante" for the FBI in the way they're treating Papa Woodward like a hardened criminal, so Agent Hill tells him that Woodward has been running some pretty major scams for quite some time. He then informs Jake that he wants him to wear a wire and get Papa Woodward to admit on tape that he's been up to no good, and an incredulous Jake blurts out, "Are you nuts?!" and points out that surely his boss is going to be onto him the moment he starts pumping him for information. He reminds Agent Hill that his participation in this operation was supposed to be purely anonymous, and Agent Hill contorts his face all sinister-like and snarls that when the situation changes, they have to adjust. 

Jake heads back to work and fibs to Papa Woodward that the errand he was running took a lot longer than expected. Papa Woodward remarks on how edgy he seems, then just shrugs it off and tells him that Amanda's on the phone for him. When Jake takes the call, Amanda tells him it's incredibly urgent that they meet tonight on a specific street corner, then gives him the address.

A bored Michael attempts to transfer himself from the sofa bed into his wheelchair, but ends up falling face down on the floor, unable to move. He yells for help...and Sydney, who just happens to be within hearing range of the apartment at that very moment, responds by letting herself in. As Michael whimperingly pleads with her to help him up, she decides that now is the perfect time to talk about how horribly he treated her when he shut her out of his life. A desperate Michael promises to pretend he's willing to reignite their friendship, and Sydney grins, says, "I knew you'd see it my way", and helps him get back into bed. 

That evening, Jake meets up with Amanda and asks whassup with the urgency, so she's all, "Surprise! I'm taking you on a skiing trip!", then pulls him over to a nearby store window that's displaying fashionable ski wear. She coos about how wonderful it's going to be to get away together, lays it on super thick about how he's the most trustworthy, honest, patient boyfriend she's ever had in what's been a pretty dismal dating history, then steers him inside the store to browse the jackets and ski pants.

Alison arrives home from work and is stunned by the delivery of a brand new jeep, courtesy of Steve. Billy, who witnessed the delivery, gets all snarly about Steve's generosity...and after he stomps off, an intrigued Alison reads Steve's note thanking her for her great PR work and inviting her join him for one last 'pleeeeease consider dating me' dinner. 

Billy is sacked out on Jake's couch, watching videos of airheaded women talking themselves up as part of their Mate Matcher dating service profile. Billy grimly tells Jake he's dismayed by the low caliber of female offerings and can only conclude that "all the good ones are taken". Jake swiftly changes the subject to Papa Woodward's vintage car scam and tells Billy that he got roped into working with the FBI to help build a case against him so that he can be arrested and brought to justice for his fraud crimes...then wrings his hands about how Amanda's going to react, given how much she idolizes her shitty pa. He further confides that the FBI now wants him to wear a wire and correctly assumes that that level of assistance is going to mean the end of his relationship with Amanda, and Billy advises him not to do anything he's not comfortable with and to tell the FBI to go pee up a rope.

Jane tells Michael she's heading off to work now, but will pop by at lunchtime for a few minutes to check on him...which is all the time she can devote to him today 'cause she has a lunch date with someone she coyly refuses to reveal.

Jake tells Agent Hill he's not willing to destroy his relationship with Amanda by wearing a wire and trapping Papa Woodward into a confession...so the agent snarkishly informs him that his fingerprints are all over the illegal car operation, mostly 'cause Papa Woodward has been setting him up as the fall guy in case the authorities ever happened to twig onto his criminal activity. An indignant Jake protests, "That's blackmail!", but Agent Hill just shrugs and makes it clear to Jake that right now he needs the FBI more than the FBI needs him. 

​​Billy grumbles to Celia about how stooooopid he thinks the video dating assignment is and whines that he's not ready to even go out on fake dates after being dumped by Alison for a richer, smarter upgrade. Celia reminds him that Nancy assigned them to write this feature article and is counting on them to produce something publishable...then orders him to roll up his sleeves, get to work, and shut his dumb pie-hole about his dumping. 

Alison is having dinner with Steve, who smilingly asks her what Billy thought about the new jeep he bought for her. She tells him that Billy moved out while she was in San Francisco, and that somehow they never could get their relationship past its inherent dysfunction. Steve says he can't help but be encouraged by the breakup and translates it to mean there's chance for the two of them. He invites her to the ranch this weekend so they can experience what it feels like to be completely alone together, and she says she's definitely into that idea. 

Jake enters Papa Woodward's office, says he's noticed some oddities about how this garage is being run, and demands honesty. Papa Woodward snarlingly asks him how much money he wants to keep his trap shut, so Jake says he merely doesn't want to be kept in the dark about his workplace, particularly when they're practically family. Papa Woodward mulls that over, decides 'what harm could possibly come of me detailing exactly how this scam works?', and admits that he's been reselling reproductions as vintage originals, and typically closes up shop on scams like this before law enforcement has a chance to figure any of it out. He suddenly gets a clue that what he just confessed might not have been the wisest move, and he violently shoves Jake against the wall and rips open his shirt to expose the wire - just as FBI agents burst in and place him under arrest. As Papa Woodward is cuffed and led out of the office, he glares at Jake and growls, "I'll crush you."

Over at Melrose Place, a frantic Amanda tells Jake that her pa has just been arrested...and he calmly tells her he knows all about it 'cause the FBI made him be part of their investigation. As she stares back at him in stunned bewilderment, Jake tells her that her pa has been running a car selling scam and confessed to as much on an FBI wiretap, but Amanda cries, "I don't believe you!" and rushes off to the police station.

The following morning, Amanda bails her pa out of jail. He calls the arrest ridiculous and asks her if she believes he's innocent, and she assures him she's gullible enough to buy his implausible nonsense about how Jake was responsible for the scam and deviously set him up to take the fall. Papa Woodward asks her how well she really knows this grease monkey, and she's like, "Obviously not well enough" and expresses surprise about how wrong she was about him...and Papa Woodward retorts, "There are people you can never really know", the irony of which (at least for now) is completely lost on Amanda.

Billy is on a date with a Mate Matcher prospect, and she's an extremely chatty gal, who, incidentally, also played Kelly's burn victim friend on Beverly Hills, 90210. She asks Billy what he does, what his parents do, and what kind of car he drives, and Billy translates all of that to mean she's far more interested in his wallet and credit rating than she is in him. He rudely admonishes her for being a materialistic airbrain, then pays the check and storms back to the office. He complains to Celia that his date was such an obvious gold digger that he up and left the restaurant without bothering to follow through with the evening, and Celia's all, "The fuck?" and reminds him they have a feature article about video dating to write...and that she considers this assignment, trivial as it is, to be her big break. She rails at Billy for being immature, selfish, and unserious about journalism...but he assures her that somehow he'll find a way to scrape together enough content to detail his limited Mate Matcher experience for their article.

Alison and Steve enjoy a romantic picnic out in nature, and she wanks him about how intelligent, driven, and sexy he is. He gazes back at her with dreamy smittenness and says that the feeling is mutual...then tells her he came out to this very spot a week ago to contemplate his future, and concluded that he really really wants her in it. He solemnly declares, "I love you Alison" before leaning in and giving her an intense smooch. 

Amanda bitchily informs Jake that she's taking every measure possible to get him evicted from Melrose Place, and tells him she's full on drinking her father's Kool-aid about how he (Jake) used the both of them to pull off a major scam. Jake urges her to think rationally about this for a moment, then tells her that the FBI were onto her felonious father long before this car garage venture took shape - but Amanda's all, "La la la la la, I'm not listening" and warns that if he's not out of his apartment by the end of the week, she'll have him thrown out. 

Jake heads over to Shooters, where Jo is making money hustling other pool players. The two exchange some flirty banter before Jo decides 'meh...been there, done that' and exits the club. 

Over at Ranch McMillan, Steve lights several candles and puts on a jazz CD...and gets into some smooching action with Alison. He steers her over to the bed and mounts her - but she suddenly decides she's not into it and tells him that things are moving too quickly. She scrunches her face confusedly and explains that she came to the ranch thinking she really wanted to be with him...but once she got far enough away from Billy, she realized she actually favors the dumb lug. She apologizes to Steve for confusing him and leading him on, then says she should probably drive back to L.A. now...and a peeved Steve snaps, "Yeah, you probably should." Alison suggests he drive her back via the brand new jeep 'cause it's too weird for her to accept such an extravagant gift from a guy she's flat out rejecting sexually, and Steve mournfully asks, "What does Billy have that I don't?" and Alison's like, "Dunno" and says she still feels like she has a commitment to him.

In the Melrose Place courtyard, Billy encounters Amanda as she's trying to get a tight lid unstuck from a trash can...and he offers to help, which results in both of them breaking the lid and can apart before hurtling to the ground amid the trash. After giggling for a few seconds, Billy helps her up...and the two press up against each other and start fervently smooching. They head upstairs to Amanda's apartment, where they proceed to roll around her living room while simultaneously getting naked. 

Recap: Alison returns home from San Francisco and finds the apartment vacated by Billy, who still has his boxes strewn around the living room. She checks the answering machine, listens to a message from Jake to Billy about moving into his apartment, and marches over to Jake's place to stare incredulously at Billy while she tells him she can't believe he actually moved out. Billy reminds her about the stupid ultimatum he issued and that she had assured him Steve wouldn't be in San Francisco, and an exasperated Alison explains that Amanda and Steve had both assured her he wasn't going to be in San Francisco. Billy grumbles that Steve's only objective is to sweep her off her feet...and Alison gives up on trying to convince him that nothing happened between her and Steve and heads back to her apartment.

Michael calls Jane and begs her to come by his hospital room sometime 'cause he has something urgent to talk to her about...and she says she'll think about it, then goes back to canoodling with Robert. Robert urges her to go see what Michael wants, and Jane expresses surprise and admiration that he's such an unselfish guy, then gives him a grateful smooch.  

Amanda drops by Sydney's place to warn her that her rent is due today, and that since the other tenants regard her with open disdain, they likely wouldn't give a rat's ass if she was abruptly evicted. Sydney promises to have the rent by the end of the day, then wanders over to the phone and calls Kristian Alfonso to tell her that she's officially so desperate for cash she's willing to start turning tricks to make ends meet.

Over at D&D, Amanda congratulates Alison on the great success that was the Black Friday press conference, and Alison snarkishly tells her that, as she's undoubtedly heard, Billy moved out of their apartment. Amanda's like, "Can you blame him?" and chides her for flirting with Steve so brazenly that apparently everyone at D&D couldn't help noticing. Alison angrily implies that she set her up with Steve 'cause she somehow knew they'd hit it off and behave all flirty towards each other, and Amanda rolls her eyes and tells her to "get a grip" 'cause she's not the center of the universe. 

Sydney arrives at a swanky hotel and meets her first john, an average looking dude named Ken. He compliments her smokin' hot bod, escorts her to his room upstairs, and starts getting it on with her while she stares despondently into space.

Jane enters Michael's hospital room, and he immediately starts waxing poetic about life lessons, the need to start fresh after a near-death experience, and begs for her general forgiveness. Jane snarlingly tells him she saw Kimberly's engagement ring, calls him "a piece of work", then half-heartedly offers him forgiveness for every soul destroying thing he's ever done to her before beating a hasty retreat.

Sydney gleefully accepts a stack of cash from Ken for servicing him, gushingly says she can't believe a reasonably attractive guy such as himself has to pay for sex, and asks what he does for a living. Ken calls himself "a captain of industry", tells her he'd love to pay for her services again, then suddenly gets all sinister-like and warns her to never ever ask him questions about himself. Sydney contorts her face into a hurt expression...and after Ken leaves, she heads over to the shower where she sits and sobs. 

Matt drops in on Michael to inform him that Kimberly reportedly died this morning, and Michael angrily attributes her death to Marion Shaw's decision to transport her to Cleveland [as opposed to his drunkenly erratic driving that resulted in the horrific car crash]. Matt reminds him that her chances of survival had been slim at best, then once again wrings his hands about the felony he committed, aka logging into the hospital's computer system and changing Michael's blood alcohol level to something under the legal limit. Michael chides him for being "a selfish bastard" who's concerned more about himself than he is a friend who just lost the woman he loved, and Matt's like, "Whatever, I'm working hard to find you a bed in a rehab facility." Michael sourly thanks him for fulfilling his basic job description and snaps at him to get out of his room.

Matt breaks the news about Kimberly's death to Jane, then tells her that since Michael is ready to be discharged, someone (e.g. her) needs to drive over to his beach house and pick up some clothes and bring them over to the Glenview rehab center. When Jane's all 'fuck that', Matt says he wouldn't ask her if he had the time to do it himself, and after some hemming and hawing, Jane grudgingly agrees.

​Jake tells Billy he's seen documented evidence that Papa Woodward is involved in a fraudulent scheme of his own making and assumes that when his illegal activities come to light it'll destroy his relationship with Amanda, who he assumes will blame him for blowing the whistle on her father. He adds that he's been slowly distancing himself from Amanda and figures that'll make it easier on her when she inevitably kicks him to the curb.

Matt drops Michael off at Glenview, a crowded cesspool of injured patients all crammed into one large room. Michael's all, "Ack!" and implores Matt to find him more luxurious rehab accommodations, but Matt says he's going to have to suck it up for about a month until a bed in a less grungy facility opens up. 
​
Sydney drives over to Kristian Alfonso's house to hand over her earnings, and Kristian Alfonso compliments her successful maiden voyage, gives her her cut of the cash, and hands her a beeper and says it's official: she's now one of her working hos. She then hands Sydney her credit card and tells her to treat herself to some fancy new clothes, and Sydney takes it and demurely thanks her.

Jane arrives at Glenview, looks icked out by the facility's cramped quarters, and finds Michael's bed and starts putting his clothes away. A few seconds later, Michael wheels over and thanks her for bringing his stuff, then bellyaches about how horrible it's going to be for him to endure a dump like Glenview for many, many months. When Jane just grunts sympathetically, he suggests moving back into their Melrose Place apartment - but she looks horrified by the prospect and snappishly calls that arrangement "out of the question". Michael changes tactics by laying it on thick about how desperately he needs his pain meds, and Jane takes the bait and rushes off in search of a nurse.

Outfitted in a new leather ensemble (courtesy of Kristian Alfonso's credit card), Sydney gives Amanda enough cash to cover two months of rent and haughtily orders her to have the leak in her bathroom fixed asap. Jane arrives home at that moment and tells the two that Kimberly is dead, then warns Sydney to stay far away from Michael, despite his newly single status.

That night, Jane has a nightmare about Michael's suffering at Glenview and wakes up in a cold sweat and stares concernedly into space. Oh dear.

The following morning, Amanda asks Jake why he's been avoiding her lately and invites him over to her place for dinner later. Jake says he's missed her and agrees to come by at 8pm.

Jane rushes over to Glenview, hovers over Michael, and tells him she's had a change of heart about him moving in with her until a better option becomes available. She reminds him that she has a new boyfriend and will therefore be setting plenty of ground rules for his temporary stay, and he pretends to be happy about her budding romance with Robert and assures her that she won't regret taking him in.

Jo encounters Sydney sunning herself by the Melrose Place pool and gets drawn into a conversation about the excitement that is Sydney's new "modelling" job that's earning her so much money she figures she can soon quit her job at Shooters. A skeptical Jo asks her which photographer did her portfolio, and Sydney breezily fibs that she got all of her modelling gigs through word of mouth...then rushes off when a furniture deliverer arrives with the new chairs she just purchased.

Katya tells Matt that her mother was just rushed to the hospital, which means she has to fly to Russia asap and leave Nikki in his care. Matt looks aghast at the imposition, then agrees to take care of the tot for as long as it's going to take for the mother and daughter to be written off the show.

Amanda orders pizza for her dinner with Jake, and Jake tells her that whatever may happen in the very near future, he wants her to remember that he really really cares about her. Amanda saucily orders him to prove it, and the two start getting it on atop the couch.

Jo drops by Sydney's place to tell her she knows how full of shit she is about her new "modelling" career, and that she should feel free to come to her if she's gotten in over her head with something nefarious. Sydney opens her mouth to speak just as her beeper goes off, then tells Jo she needs to be somewhere and assures her that everything in her life is hunky-dory.

Over dinner, Jane breaks the news to Robert that she invited Michael to move into her place until he can find a bed in a decent rehab facility, and an aghast Robert's like, "What in the name of all that is holy were you thinking??" and tells her it seems like a really self-destructive decision. Jane weakly explains that she can't seem to fight her caring nature...and Robert says that while he'll do his best to support her, he can't guarantee he's going to want to spend much time at her apartment now that Michael will be taking residence in her living room.

Billy drops by the apartment to get the rest of his things and bitterly remark on Alison's new MicroComp computer he correctly assumes she got from Steve. Alison's like, "Uh, speaking of Steve.." and tells him that if their shitty relationship is really truly absolutely over, she's thinking seriously of starting up with Steve, aka a dramatic boyfriend upgrade. Billy whines about how he can never even hope to compete with that guy (or any other man with a reasonably functioning brain), then picks up Alison's computer and smashes it against the wall while Alison shrieks, "Nooooooo!!"

Sydney arrives at a hotel for her second ho/john transaction and meets Roger, a dorky weirdo who tosses a wad of cash atop the bed he insists she doesn't need to count, and then orders her to get naked. Sydney slowly takes off her jacket as Roger opens a briefcase filled with cuffs and whips, aka his self-described "favorite toys" ... and when an alarmed Sydney says that Kristian Alfonso didn't mention anything about any S&M action, Roger smarmily retorts that Kristian Alfonso doesn't say much about a lot of things and he likes it that way. Sydney flatly tells him she doesn't like his toys...and when Roger starts to get physical and orders her to strip down and play sexy captive with him, she flees the room.

Before getting into a cab, Katya thanks Matt for taking of care of Nikki while she's in Russia, calls him the kindest man she knows, and promises Nikki she'll be back soon.

Kristian Alfonso storms over to Shooters to admonish Sydney for walking out on Roger 'cause of some measly sex toys, then gets all in her face and warns that if she ever does anything like that again, she won't hesitate to resort to violence. She hands Sydney a vial of drugs and tells her it might mellow her out next time she's required to service a freak with a fetish...and as she stalks off, Sydney stares after her looking extremely unnerved.

Jane is wheeling Michael through the Melrose Place courtyard when they run into Sydney, who babbles about how busy she is with her new modelling career. Michael tells her he's moving in with Jane - and Jane clarifies that it's only a temporary arrangement until something in an acceptable rehab facility opens up. Sydney says she'll try to stop by for a visit if she can squeeze one in between photo shoots, and Jane wryly tells her not to try too hard.

Jane helps Michael out of his wheelchair and into the living room bed, and he pretends that his back is acting up and needs a painkiller asap. Jane quickly fetches him his meds and a glass of water...and when she goes into another room, he lays back onto the pillow and spreads his lips in a wide, smug grin.  

Recap: While primping for work, Alison asks Billy whaddup with his mopey 'tude lately, and he just grunts about how stressed he is about a story he's planning to pitch to his boss. Alison asks what it's about, and Billy poutishly tells her she doesn't have to pretend to have an interest in his life...so Alison reminds him she has a very important press conference coming up in San Francisco and doesn't have the time nor the energy to figure out why he's acting like such a sulky little bitch. Billy grumbles about all the time she's been spending with Steve lately, then storms off while a puzzled Alison's all, "What does Steve have to do with this?"  

Over at the hospital, Matt is wheeling a self-piteous Michael around in a wheelchair...and when Michael asks him about his Thanksgiving plans, he snarkishly says he doesn't feel very chatty after committing a felony. Michael correctly assumes that by felony he means he covertly logged into the hospital's computer system and changed the blood alcohol level on his hospital record. He thanks Matt for doing him this favor, but Matt continues to fret that he could get thrown in jail for the misdeed. Michael breezily assures him he won't, given that there's no evidence of any wrongdoing, and insists that he wasn't all that drunk when he crashed his car and gravely injured Kimberly. [Um...was so.] Matt's like, "Uh, speaking of Kimberly" ... then wheels him into her room, where she's still laying unresponsive and connected to a breathing tube. Michael looks over her chart, sadly says they were just talking about planning a wedding, then asks Matt to make sure he's in the room if her doctor ever decides to unplug her.

Sydney drops by Kristian Alfonso's fancy house to ask whassup with her setting her up with a guy who threw $100 bills at her and demanded she get naked. Kristian Alfonso just kind of shrugs and says that when she showed up at her party the other night, she somehow leaped to the assumption that it was understood she was a Hollywood madam and that any date she set her up on would be a hooker/john type transaction. A stunned Sydney's all, "Wha-a-a-a?! You arrange sex dates for a living?!" and Kristian Alfonso chuckles and calls that "a rather quaint way" of describing her prostitution ring...then adds that, luckily, Patch is a repeat customer and wasn't too upset by the sex-less evening. An indignant Sydney cries, "I'm upset!" to which Kristian Alfonso retorts, "You should be honored" and explains that she only employs a small percentage of the hundreds of women who want to join her stable o' hos. She calls her ladies of the evening the most beautiful, seductive women in L.A. who both make and cost a fortune...then wanks Sydney about how sexy, smart, and perfect she is for hooking. Sydney blushingly grins, but then firmly tells her she ain't no ho...and Kristian Alfonso smarmily describes her business as a family where everyone loves and takes care of each other. She then takes Sydney's hands in hers and promises to take care of her, then asks, "Who else in your life will say that?" and Sydney stares back at her mutely as she contemplatively chews on that. 

Over at D&D, Alison is nattering at Steve about the logistics of his upcoming press conference, and he just stares at her dreamily before asking why she never replied to his flirty email invitation to his ranch...particularly after their consensual beach kiss. Alison tells him she didn't receive the email and says she has no idea if she would have accepted the invitation, and he says it's probably best that she didn't have to make a decision.

Jake is at work, fixing a motor, when another mechanic wanders over and comments on what a sweet car it is...and that it'd only run him around 15K-20K, aka not the inflated 60K price Jake points out Papa Woodward is asking. A few seconds later, Papa Woodward ambles over and growls at Jake for being two days behind schedule, then orders him to work through lunch and have this car ready for delivery by next week.

Jane is over at Jo's place, dishing about the diamond ring she saw on Kimberly's finger, then says it's all good 'cause now those two are officially no longer her problem. Amanda drops by to admonish Jo for improperly disposing of darkroom chemical bottles and to invite Jane and Robert her to her apartment for Thanksgiving dinner so they can mingle with the other Melrose Place couples (Billy/Alison, her/Jake). Jane declines and tells her that she and Robert are spending the weekend in Santa Barbara, and Amanda's like, "OK, have fun" and tells Jo she'd invite her if she weren't assuming she had other plans. After she flounces off, Jo makes a 'the fuck?' face and exclaims, "Can you believe her?" and Jane laughingly tells Jo she should definitely go 'cause that's one Thanksgiving dinner she'd looooove to get the skinny on. 

Jake asks Amanda about her father's various business ventures and whether or not they all make a profit, and Amanda says they all do 'cause of how awesome he is at spotting good deals and instinctively knowing how to make them work. Jake wonders aloud how one guy can be so successful at everything all the time, and Amanda's like, "Dunno" and says that she and Papa Woodward don't discuss business...and that she'd rather not peek under the hood of his shady activities.

Alison tells Billy she's meeting Steve for dinner to discuss his upcoming press conference some more, and Billy says he's bummed 'cause he'd hoped they could celebrate his boss approving his latest story pitch...then gets miffed that she's meeting up with Steve while decked out in a slinky black get-up. Alison tells him he's being ridiculous and says he can't seriously expect her to suddenly quit a career-making advertising account, and Billy's like, "Uh, yes I can" and bitchily storms off.

Sydney is carrying a bag of groceries and intercepts Jane as she's about to go for a run and gaily tells her she just bought a turkey and all the trimmings for a fantastic Andrews Sisters' Thanksgiving feast. Jane's all, "Excuse me?" and says she's going out of town for the holiday...but that even if she weren't, she'd sooner eat a turdpile than break bread with her. Sydney implores her to put a pin in their feud for one day and enjoy turkey together on account of they're still family...but Jane barks, "Not anymore!" and points out that loving sisters don't betray each other by hitting the sheets with the other's spouse. Sydney's like, "Speaking of Michael.." and asks her if she's planning to visit him again in the hospital, and Jane's like, "Uh no" and advises her to also keep her distance from Michael 'cause it's painfully obvious that he only ever wanted one thing from her. 

Over at the garage, Jake accepts a large delivery of car parts, then enters Papa Woodward's office to file the invoice. He glances around suspiciously before snooping through the desk drawers, where he finds documented proof that Papa Woodward is passing off knock-offs as restored originals and charging 60K per car. He glares at a framed photo of Papa Woodward posing with Amanda and mutters, "You crook" - just as Papa Woodward bursts into the room and asks what the hell he thinks he's doing. Jake chuckles and says he couldn't help himself from sitting in his chair so he could experience what it felt to be the big man in charge - LOL - and Papa Woodward shoots him the stink-eye and snarls, "You're not the boss, you never will be. You're the mechanic, get back to work" ... and Jake somehow refrains from telling the arsehole where he can shove his snotty bitchitude, and shuffles out of the room.

Amanda informs Alison that the special events manager in San Francisco just called to tell her that MicroComp's product samples never arrived...which means that if she (Alison) doesn't personally fly there on Thursday morning and ensure the delivery of the computers, she risks the embarrassment of holding a press conference about computers with no computers. When Alison cries, "But it's Thanksgiving!", Amanda warns that it's too important a task to leave to someone else. Incidentally, I find it interesting that Steve and Alison would schedule a press conference for the day after Thanksgiving and expect a decent turnout.

Amanda tells Jake she wants her Thanksgiving dinner party to be a great success, not least 'cause her pa can be a major tool if the turkey isn't cooked to perfection. Jake makes a blech face and says he'd rather not have to talk to her shitty father all evening after getting bitched at by him all day at the garage...and Amanda's all, "But daddy helped you pay off your debt to Jo!" Jake grimaces at the mention of Jo and says that working for Papa Woodward is turning about to be just as unbearable as working with Jo was. LOL...and ouch.

Billy apologizes to Alison for being such a jerk about her spending so much time preparing for her upcoming press conference, but then turns into an even bigger jerk when she tells him she has to fly to San Francisco tomorrow morning to deal with a shipping mishap. Billy assumes that Steve will be there and issues her an ultimatum: stay home and neglect your job or I'll be really really mad at you. Alison points out how unfair that is and says she'd never give him an ultimatum regarding Celia, and Billy shoots back that he doesn't send Celia love notes...and admits that, yep, he deleted Steve's flirty email when he was sitting in front of her computer and still believes he had every right to violate her privacy like that. Alison tells him that when she told Steve that he (Billy) is her fella, he promised never to send her a flirty email again - but Billy insists that if she jets off to San Francisco tomorrow, they're through. 

When Alison's airport shuttle arrives the next morning, she chides a pouting Billy for not giving her a choice that allows their relationship to continue while she deals with this work-related emergency...and Billy's like, "Whatever. I won't be here when you get back." Alison says, in that case, the demise of their increasingly inane relationship is squarely on him, wearily says, "Happy Thanksgiving", and heads out.

Sydney chides Ellen for bringing her to a hooker party without giving her a heads up, and Ellen non-apologizes for the glaring omission of information that would have been really really useful for her to have had prior to her night out with Patch. She then invites Sydney to Kristian Alfonso's house for Thanksgiving dinner, an event that's typically hos only. Sydney's all, "I dunno...I'm nothing like those girls" - but Ellen argues that she's exactly like them, and that it's kewl to have a whole schwack of sisters who "just love you for who you are". Sydney stares contemplatively into space as she mulls the invitation over. 

Billy decides to move in with Jake...and when Amanda notices him transporting his boxes into his new home, she says to Jake, "Lover's quarrel?", and Jake shrugs and wryly says, "It's going around these days." She apologizes for arguing with him about her father and explains that the old man probably acts like such a douchewad 'cause he's intimated by his street smarts and mechanic abilities. Jake's like, "Seems like a stretch, but OK" and heads off to work, and Amanda stays behind to cluck sympathetically at Billy and ask him if his breakup with Alison had anything to do with Steve...then dishes about how the two didn't bother hiding their infatuation with each other. She adds that ever since Alison landed this account she's changed, and Billy grimly calls that an understatement. Amanda coos about how sorry she is that he got hurt and insists that he come to her Thanksgiving soiree, and he's like 'what the hell not? I've got nothing better to do'.

In San Francisco, Alison is setting up the hotel's banquet room for Friday's press conference when Steve wanders in, his freakishly intense gaze fixed on Alison. She's all, "Wha-a-at are you doing here??" and reminds him that he agreed to keep his distance, and he sheepishly apologizes - but then admits that, yep, he flew in early so he could squeeze in some more flirty time with her. A miffed Alison points out that she's only spending Thanksgiving in San Francisco 'cause she has a job to do, then coldly declines his offer to get together for dinner later. 

Jane runs into Sydney on her way back from the laundry room, says she's just had an implausible change of heart about Thanksgiving, and invites her to tag along to Santa Barbara with her and Robert - but Sydney says she's no longer interested in having a family dinner, and instead has plans to dine with prostitutes who truly care about her.

Jake closes up the garage for the day and is about to ride off on his motorcycle when he's approached by two FBI agents who order him to get into the back of their car. 
​
Over at FBI headquarters, the agents pepper Jake with questions about all the paperwork he's signed while employed at the garage, along with the 15K he received from Papa Woodward for "the arson job" that destroyed his bike shop. Jake objects to the accidental fire being described as an arson job, but they're like, "Yeah whatever" and explain that they're mostly gunning to nail Papa Woodward, but are A-OK with taking whoever they can get (e.g. him).

Amanda tells her dad she can't imagine what could be keeping Jake, and Papa Woodward cautions her against getting too serious with the grease monkey, who's nowhere near being good enough for a permanent type relationship with her. Amanda gently reminds him that she's a fully grown woman who's capable of choosing who she hops in and out of bed with.

Alison gets a knock on her hotel room door from room service, and gets a massive delivery of flowers, champagne, and a full turkey dinner...compliments of Steve (no surprise), who has passed along a Happy Thanksgiving note. Alison grins at the delivery, then calls Steve to invite him to her room to share the ginormous amount of food he well damn well she wouldn't be able to eat herself.

Sydney arrives at Kristian Alfonso's house to join her and her stable o' hos for dinner. Kristian Alfonso tells her she's thrilled she could join them, then makes it clear that this is just dinner and that there are no strings attached. Sydney beams happily and thanks her for the nice invitation.

Michael wheels over to Kimberly's hospital room and is startled by the sight of Kimberly's mother, Marion. When she sees the stunned look on Michael's face, she snarkishly asks him if he really believed he was the only person Kimberly had in her life...then informs him that she and her daughter talked on the phone every week, which means she well knows what a total shitbag he is and how terribly he treated her. She informs him that she's taking her daughter home to Cleveland, and warns him to never ever come near her again. 

Jake seats himself next to Jo on the stairwell leading up to her apartment and tells her what a pompous jerkwad Papa Woodward is, and that he misses talking to her (Jo) about his problems 'cause she always knew the right thing to do. Jo says he can still confide in her, but he says that this is one problem he can't discuss.

Amanda apologies to Billy for dumping on Alison earlier, and urges him to not give up so easily on their relationship and fight to keep Alison his girlfriend. Billy mulls that over and decides 'what the hell not? I've got nothing better to do'.

Alison and Steve are chatting and cackling over the sumptuousness of the turkey dinner when the phone rings...and Alison assumes it's yet another work related call and orders Steve to answer. Naturally the caller is Billy, who stonily asks for Alison...but when he hears a bottle of champagne being opened in the background and the audible reaction to bubbly spilling everywhere, he pissily hangs up the phone.

Recap: Alison, Billy, and Jane are out for a morning jog...and after they race each other back to Melrose Place, Billy heads straight to his apartment to take a shower while Alison and Jane run into Jo, who warmly greets Jane while giving Alison the stink-eye. When Jane's all, "Whassup with Jo's snootitude?", Alison explains that Jo is miffed 'cause Steve has a crush on her, then dishes about the beach kiss they shared at the end of the previous episode. She adds that while she feels guilty about quasi-cheating on Billy, she feels drawn to Steve and doesn't know what to do. An unimpressed Jane gets on her judgey high horse and snarls at her for poaching off of other women's relationships the way Kimberly did with Michael, thereby destroying her marriage, then warns that Billy isn't going to trust her if she continues her deceitful flirtation with Steve.  

Over at the hospital, Michael corners Kimberly and laments never appreciating her when they were together, then declares his love for her. He promises to do everything possible to win her back and moans that she's everyyyyyything to him. She makes it clear she wants to be colleagues and nothing more...and when Michael says he doesn't buy that, she's like, "I really don't give a rat's ass."

Sydney is setting up for the lunch rush at Shooters, grumbling at her co-worker Ellen about how everyone in L.A. is only out for themselves. Ellen chuckles that she's far too young to be so cynical, then invites her out tonight to a Hollywood A-list party to enjoy a night of star-gazing fun.

That evening, Sydney knocks on Jane's door to say hey, gush about the fancy Hollywood party she was invited to, and ask if she could borrow one of Jane's designer duds. Jane stares back at her in utter incredulity, says she amazes her in the cuntiest way possible, and that she'd sooner hurl herself off a cliff before she'd ever lend her anything to wear. A distraught Sydney asks her if she's going to hold her one mistake over her forever, and Jane reminds her that sleeping with one's sister's husband is more than just a mistake, barks, "Leave me alone!", and slams the door in her face. 

After a long shift at the hospital, Kimberly climbs into her car and is startled to find Michael sacked out in the passenger seat. When she orders him to get out of her car, he admits to being a liar who doesn't deserve her...though perhaps he may, given his willingness to change. He starts fake blubbering about how he loves her sooooo much and then went and ruined everything by doinking Sydney...and as he blows his nose, Kimberly rolls her eyes and asks him why he's faking a nervous breakdown in her car. Michael chuckles and tells her it's part of his strategy to wear her down, says he can't live without her, and will love her forever, regardless of whether or not she takes him back. Kimberly mulls that over, says she'll consider going out to dinner with him, but that he needs to get out of her car so she can go home and get some much needed rest. Michael grins stupidly and victoriously shrieks, "Yessssss!"

Sydney and Ellen arrive at the swanky Hollywood house party...and several feet away the two are ogled by two Days of Our Lives soap stars: Kristian Alfonso and the rugged tough guy who played Patch. Ellen steers Sydney towards them, and Sydney prattles on and on about how star-struck she is, being in such close proximity to Patch, aka a famous moviemaker. Kristian Alfonso pulls her aside, urges her to chillax, and invites her to go inside the house and get some food. Sydney apologizes if she comes off like a fish-out-of-water type dork while in the company of the Hollywood elite and hopes she hasn't embarrassed her, and Kristian Alfonso grins and says, "No, you're perfect" and saunters off, leaving a happy Sydney beaming after her.   

Jo arrives at D&D to drop off the latest MicroComp campaign photos and glower at Alison some more as she finishes up a call with Steve. Alison tells Jo that Steve sends his best, and that they're both sorry things didn't work out between them. As Jo glares at her in brazen disgust, Alison chalks up the ill-fated love triangle to a misunderstanding, and insists that Steve is an awesome, sensitive man who never meant to hurt anyone. An incredulous Jo shakes her head and dismayingly says, "You should hear yourself", then admonishes Alison for being less concerned about Billy than she is her "sensitive friend Steve". 

Kristian Alfonso drops by Shooters to tells Sydney that Patch liked the cut of her jib and wants to take her out to some happening clubs tonight. Sydney looks as if she's about to burst with an uncontainable amount of joy and is all, "Wha-a-a-a?!! With meeeeeeee?! Reeeeeeeeeally?!", and Ellen wryly offers to dilute Sydney's over-excitement by coming along and making it a double date. They all arrange to meet up later...and once Kristian Alfonso is out of earshot, Sydney grins ear-to-ear while shrieking, "This is too cool to be true!!" It probably is, Sydney. It probably is.

Billy returns home and finds a romantic, candle-lit dinner waiting for him, courtesy of Alison. When he's all, "Whassup with all this?", she tells him it's her way of thanking him for neglecting him while she's been so busy working on Steve's campaign, then leans in for a smooch. 

Michael and Kimberly are out to dinner...and a drunken Michael is nattering on and on about something or other [I was too lazy to hit rewind], then presents her with a small jewelry box. Kimberly opens it, stares at the diamond ring inside, and snaps, "What is this?" Michael proposes marriage and says he loves her and is serious about their future...and Kimberly mutters, "Damn you..", tells him that his guilty conscience has made him crazy, and that she's leaving now and will meet him in the car. Michael stays behind to pay the check, guzzle the rest of what's in the wine bottle, then stumbles out to the parking lot.

​Kimberly, who's somehow A-OK with a visibly drunk Michael getting behind the wheel, apologizes for reacting so bitchily to his marriage proposal. While driving, Michael fiddles with the ring box, swerves to avoid hitting a parked car, and forcibly puts the ring on her finger. Kimberly admires it, agrees to marry the dolt...and then the two start needlessly kissing while the unmanned car is hurtling down a curvy road at a high rate of speed. Kimberly finally screams at him to keep his eyes on the fucking road - just before Michael loses control of the car, which smashes past a guardrail and tumbles over a cliff. The car eventually lands upside down as a heap of twisted metal that doesn't look remotely survivable. 

After the commercial break, first responders are on the scene, using the jaws of life to extract the two from the overturned car. Michael moans that he can't move, then looks over at Kimberly, who's unconscious and bloody. The paramedics eventually rush them both to the hospital, where they're attended to by Katya. She gives Kimberly a once over...and when she can't get a pulse she bellows, "Code blue!" at no one in particular before wheeling her off to the nearest trauma room.

Sydney and Ellen are all dolled up and ready to party with Patch et. al. when they run into an ashen looking Matt, who informs Sydney that Michael and Kimberly were just in a very serious car accident. Sydney's all, "Nooooo!!" and says she'd better tell Jane...and as Ellen rolls her eyes and says they really should get going now, Sydney explains, "My brother-in-law's been hurt!" and rushes over to Jane's apartment to break the bad news. Jane says that while she feels terrible about the accident, she's going to limit her concern to a phone call to the hospital tomorrow morning...and an aghast Sydney accuses her of being "a horrible, unfeeling bitch" for not immediately racing across town to sit vigil at her cheating ex's bedside.

Katya tells Michael he has a serious back injury that might require some vertebrae fusing, and he says he doesn't care 'bout that 'cause he's more concerned with how Kimberly is doing. Katya puts her most serious face on and tells him that Kimberly's innards are badly messed up and that she has a serious head injury.

Matt is in the hospital's waiting room, updating Billy and Alison about the status of Michael and Kimberly when Sydney bursts in and yells at Matt for driving to the hospital without her. She then bellows, "Michael!!" and bursts into the staff only area to see for herself how her ex-lover is doing. When Michael notices her hovering over him, he seethes about how the accident is all her fault, that he puts 100% of the blame for his infidelity on her, then hisses, "Stay away from me." After Matt steers Sydney back to the waiting room, Michael overhears a police office tell Katya that he suspects alcohol was the cause of the accident, and is going to need the results of Michael's bloodwork.
​
Matt brings Sydney coffee and gently advises her to throw in the towel on trying to be friends with Michael and instead work on repairing her relationship with Jane. Sydney shoots him the stink-eye, then tells him he's a sweet guy - but that he needs to butt out 'cause he has no idea about the kind of icky specialness that exists between her and Michael.

At Shooters, Ellen tells Sydney that Kristian Alfonso and Patch were super pissed that she bailed on them last night, then asks how her brother-in-law is doing. Sydney says he's in pretty rough shape and might be paralyzed...then dishes about how he's not only her brother-in-law, but also her boyfriend. Kinda. She adds that [she's deluded herself into thinking] they have an understanding, and that right now they have to "play it cool" despite her sister and everyone they know being fully aware of their unholy coupling. Ellen looks impressed by the load of bullcack and applauds her for being way more slutty than she comes off, and offers to set up an evening of [prostitutey] fun with Kristian Alfonso and Patch.

Michael snarks at Katya for her lack of medical experience and insists that he'll be back on his feet soon. Katya argues that there are no guarantees when it comes to a spinal injury...and when he barks back that he's sure his paralysis is temporary, she's like, "Fine, whatever" and exits the room - just as Matt drops by to deliver the neurology textbooks Michael had requested. Michael asks him how Kimberly is doing...and is despondent when Matt informs him that right now she looks a lot like roadkill and hasn't yet regained consciousness. Michael tells him he heard a cop telling Katya he wanted the results of his bloodwork and worries that the authorities are going to "pin" a DUI on him. Matt asks him if he'd been drinking, and Michael says he may have sipped a glass (or two...or five) of wine - but that since the legal limit is so low nowadays, he's sure to exceed it and face an attempted manslaughter charge. He asks Matt if he wouldn't mind logging into the hospital's computer system and altering his blood alcohol level, and Matt's all, "Uh, yes - 'cause it's nuts, illegal, and completely unethical." Michael whines that he could end up in prison for one lousy drunken joyride that may have paralyzed him and grievously injured Kimberly, and reminds Matt that he got him his fancy hospital job. When Matt just stares back at him mutely, he self-piteously says he might have known he couldn't count on him for a favor and growls, "Get out" ... and a conflicted looking Matt slinks out of the room.

The next day, Jane drops by Michael's hospital room for an awkward visit. He tells her he can't feel much below the equator, requests her help in sipping from a cup of water, then asks if they can be friends. Jane's like, "Nah, I'm good" and says she's off to resume her life now...and on her way out, she slips into Kimberly's room and stares at her comatose body that's being kept alive by a ventilator. Jane steps closer and notices the giant diamond ring on her finger, then scrunches her face disapprovingly and hastily exits the room.

Billy arrives at D&D to pick up Alison at the end of her workday. She rushes off to finish up something or other...and while Billy is sitting at her desk, she gets an email from Steve that Billy can't help himself from opening. It's a quick note to express how much he misses her, and that he wishes he were there with her...and Billy stares at the screen with a look of troubled muteness etched across his doltish face before hitting the delete button.

Patch brings Sydney to his fabulous Hollywood house...and as soon as they get inside, he tells her to take her clothes off and get comfortable while he fetches them something to drink. Sydney just kind of chuckles at that cheeky command and murmurs, "Yeah right" and makes herself comfortable on the couch. When Patch re-enters the room and sees that she's not naked, he orders her to take her damn clothes off...then smacks his forehead and says he forgot that Kristian Alfonso's girls always insist on getting the money upfront. A bemused Sydney grins back at him - until he pulls out a big wad of cash, drops it on the table in front of her, and tells her to start with the blouse so he "can see that nice young stuff in there". Sydney finally gets a clue that the creep has somehow leaped to the conclusion that she's a hooker, shoots him a look of disgust, then gets up and makes a break for the door. An angry Patch yells, "Get back here, you little bitch!" and orders her to service him, but Sydney flies out the door and runs off in a panic.

Matt sits at a computer and clandestinely accesses Michael's lab results and alters the blood alcohol level that the lab had recorded from .15 to .06. He then hits the save button before staring concernedly into space.

Recap: Amanda scurries down the front steps of her apartment to get the day's newspaper...which, to her dismay, is soaking wet so she swaps it with Billy's/Alison's dry paper. Hee! A few seconds later, Billy and Alison emerge from their apartment and announce that they're off to work...and Alison smugly points out to Amanda that she (Alison) has arrived at D&D before her (Amanda) every day this week. Amanda refrains from telling her what she can do with her sanctimonious 'tude and rushes back upstairs, where Jake is flexing shirtless. He smooches her and suggests they enjoy a morning romp, but she declines and says she has to get ready for work, then reminds him that he too shouldn't be late for work at her dad's garage.

Billy arrives at Escapade Magazine and finds an attractive woman sitting at his desk, puffing away on a cigarette. She introduces herself as Celia Morales, assumes he's her assistant, and prattles about how she was forced to take this lame staff writer job after getting laid off from a real publication: The L.A. Times. Billy informs her that he's a fellow staff writer - just as Nancy Donner wanders over to direct Celia to her workstation. Once she's out of earshot, Nancy assures Billy that despite being an egotistical pain in the ass, Celia is a very talented writer...but Billy's like 'whatever' and makes an ew face at the stinky ashtray Celia didn't think to take with her.

Michael drops by Kimberly's apartment unannounced, and she tells him she has nothing to say to him and that she's moving back to Cleveland asap. Michael begs her to not to throw her career away on account of his philandering 'cause he can't handle the guilt, then promises to leave her alone and only discuss hospital stuff when necessary. Kimberly promises to consider it, then tells him he can get lost now.

Over at D&D, Alison, Jo, Amanda, and Steve look over Jo's latest campaign photos, aka endless shots of Steve spooning with his computer hardware. Amanda points out that so far the focus has been too heavy on Steve's [dorkish] image and not heavy enough on substantive information, such as the technical data of the products he's trying to peddle. She snarks that MicroComp can't sell its computers on looks alone, says she's got other more important shit to do, and hastily exits the room. Steve assures Alison and Jo that he looooooves the approach of the campaign, then rushes out of the room to catch up with Amanda. Jo gushes to Alison about how interesting and bright Steve is, and thanks her for setting them up...and Alison grunts something unintelligible while staring forlornly into space.

Steve tells Amanda that he disagrees with her opinions 100%, and reminds her that since this is his campaign he calls the shots. Amanda counters that in her vast five years of advertising experience, she can pretty much guarantee that if they continue with the current Steve-centric strategy, the campaign is going to fail. Steve grins stupidly and says, "Then it's all our asses, right?", and Amanda brusquely retorts, "Nope. Just Alison's" ... and as she sashays off, he stares after her with a dumb looking grin on his face.

That evening at Shooters, Jo is flapping and gyrating with Steve on the dance floor...while Alison glowers in their direction, and an oblivious Billy bellyaches about having to work with a chain-smoking Celia Morales. Alison advises Billy to give Celia a chance, given that it was her first day...and a few seconds later, Jo and Steve take a break from dancing and join them at the bar. Jo lays it on thick about what a great dancer Steve is...and when he blushingly says he'd really like to jig some more, Jo complains she's tired and suggest he ask Alison, and Alison does her best not to look all too eager to oblige.

Later, the foursome is shooting pool when Steve suggests they all drive up to his ranch for the weekend. They're all, "That sounds like fun!", and Jo drags Steve over to the dance floor for one last round of flappy gyrating.

At Melrose Place, Jake grumbles to Amanda that he has to work all weekend 'cause he's fallen behind on fixing up all the cars that keep streaming in, and Amanda's like, "That's nice" as she smooches him and expresses an urgent need to ride his baloney pony. She strips naked on her way to the bedroom and barks at him to hit the lights...and as he obediently turns off the lamp, he glances out the window and happens to spot Jo and Steve enjoying a goodnight smoochfest at her front door. Downstairs, Alison is also peeping through her window at the lip-locked spectacle, her face scrunched disapprovingly.

The next morning, Billy and Alison arrive at the McMillan ranch and are greeted by Steve, who tells them that Jo is over at the stables, checking out which horse she wants to ride. As Billy grabs the overnight bags out of the car, Steve ushers Alison into the house and asks her whassup with Amanda's constant haughty 'tude, so Alison tells him that there's a perpetual awkwardness between them 'cause she used to be Billy's girlfriend. Steve's like, "Ouch" and promises to protect her while assigned to his campaign...and Billy overhears that last thing, but bursts into the guest bedroom as if he hadn't been eavesdropping. When Steve suggests they all go riding together, Alison chirps, "I'm in!" then tells Billy he should decline 'cause of his general ineptitude atop a horse.

Steve and Alison gallop around the vast ranch, half-heartedly looking for wherever Jo might have gone. Alison marvels at the beauty of the ranch and tells Steve she certainly hopes he appreciates what he has, and he says he does, but would loooooove to have someone special to share it all with. As he stares at her wistfully, she nervously chuckles and says he can have any woman he wants, and he replies, "Not anyone" which prompts her to gaze back at him contemplatively.

The two suddenly spot Billy headed towards them, jerking and flailing uncontrollably atop a prickly horse that seems desperate to get him the fuck off its back. A few seconds later, the horse starts bucking and whinnying, sending Billy airborne before he hits the ground with a thud. As Alison rushes over to make sure he's OK, he gets back atop the horse and shouts, "Race you back!" as the horse speeds back to the stables. 

Papa Woodward drops Jake off at Amanda's apartment after a celebratory evening filled with boozing. Jake gushes to Amanda about what a great guy her pop is, and she's like, "Yeah whatever, let's have sex now" and mounts him - but he says he'd much prefer to pepper her with questions about her childhood...which seems a tad implausible given her genitals' proximity to his genitals, but OK. As Amanda forges ahead with her amorous foreplay, Jake asks if anyone ever called her Mandy in college, and she suddenly gets prickly and storms off to the bedroom and slams the door.  

While in mid-smooch, Jo tells Steve she feels as if they're rushing their chemistry-free hook-up, then says she's not completely over her last squeeze: Jake. Steve kind of perks up at that tidbit and says that he too is trying to get over someone, then says it's never a good idea to get too involved with a person if the only purpose is getting over unresolved feelings for the person they'd much prefer to be hanging with. Jo's like, "Er, OK. I think we should sleep in separate bedrooms tonight", and he's like, "Can do!" and happily scampers off. LOL.

Alison accuses Billy of riding a horse he alarmingly had no clue how to control for the purpose of spying on her and Steve, then reminds him that Steve and Jo are in love. Billy makes a 'yeah right' face and says any fool can see that Jo and Steve are trying waaaaaay too hard to make something work that doesn't...and that it's possible for a person to be attracted to someone without anything sexual coming of it. Alison refuses to concede anything about her feelings for Steve and heads for the door...and promptly runs into Steve, who's staring up at the night sky. The two point out that neither is enjoying this lovely evening with their significant other...and when Steve leans in for a kiss, Alison pulls away and moans, "I can't", then scuttles back inside, leaving a bummed Steve staring despondently into space. 

The next morning, Billy tells Steve that he and Alison are heading back to L.A. ... and when Steve assures him that nothing is going on between himself and Alison except the Compworld campaign, Billy's like, "Well duh" and pretends as though he never thought otherwise. He heads back inside to get the remainder of the bags - just as Alison emerges and covertly tells Steve that despite having everything in life she's ever wanted, she can't seem to squelch her feelings for him. He smiles happily...and when Bill reappears, he and Alison climb into the car and drive off.

Michael and Kimberly are in the x-ray room at the hospital, studying the brain scan of a twelve year old boy who, it turns out, doesn't have a deadly tumor after all. A happy Michael says, "This is one of those good days", and Kimberly dials back the joy by wryly muttering, "So far" and ambling off.

​Steve drops Jo off at her apartment, and she tells him she had a great time at the ranch and suggests they slow things down with their dull-as-fuck romance. Steve makes a face and says they tried, quickly determined that there's zero chemistry between them, and makes clear he isn't willing to accept second best and doubts she is either. Jo's like, "Well, actually.." and Steve's like, "See you around!" and rushes off like he can't get away fast enough...and Jo stares after him looking miffed and insulted.

Alison and Billy get a flat tire on their way back to L.A. and then bicker about each other being attracted to Steve and Celia. Billy chides Alison for not being willing to admit that she has the hots for Steve, and suggests handing her over to the wealthy magnate...and as Alison mulls over the appeal of that upgrade, Billy accidentally loses his grip on the spare tire, which tumbles over a ravine. The two suddenly chuckle about their tire-less predicament and share a kissy canoodle.

​That evening, Alison joins Jo, who's moping by the Melrose Place pool, lamenting the abrupt manner in which Steve gave her the heave-ho. She says she was somehow under the illusion that they were good together, but now realizes that he was looking for an easy out on account of being in love with someone else. Alison gets a spacey, hopeful look on her face and says that right now she can't think of a single pearl of wisdom to impart to her.  

While canoodling in bed, Jake again presses Amanda to talk about herself, then asks why being asked about the nickname Mandy is so upsetting to her. Amanda sighs and tells him that that's what her mother used to call her, and that the day she deserted her family she'd left behind a note that read 'I'm going away for awhile. I love you, Mandy. I'll always love you.' She says she never saw her mother again, then tells Jake that since she's sufficiently soured the mood he should probably head downstairs to his place now - but he cuddles her more intensely and retorts, "No chance."

Celia notices the framed glam shot of Alison on Billy's desk and remarks on how cute and wholesome she looks, and that word around the office is that they're the perfect couple. She then cheekily decides that 'the last perfect couple' will be the topic of her next article, and Billy tells her to shut it 'cause she's getting on his nerves.

After another D&D brainstorming session about the MicroComp account, Amanda remarks to Jo that she sensed some tension between her and Steve and asks if they broke up. Jo just kind of shrugs and says that their romance never really got off the ground, and Amanda says it makes sense, given that he's so clearly into Alison. Jo tells her she's crazy and reminds her that Alison is in love with Billy, then needlessly snarks about her and Jake hooking up. Amanda says that her advanced fling with Jake has become the most intense relationship of her life, then tells Jo she's blind if she can't see that Alison only set her up with Steve so that Billy wouldn't get jealous. Jo's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and makes a beeline over to the studio, where Alison is setting up for the next photoshoot, and comes right out and demands to know why she didn't mention Steve's attraction to her before she set the two of them up. Alison stares over at her in pretend stunned cluelessness and says she has no earthly idea what she's talking about. Jo angrily describes Steve as Alison's dream guy - rich and good looking - but warns that she'd better start being truthful, otherwise Billy is going to be very pissed at being the cuckold.

Over at the garage, Jake tells Papa Woodward about all the orders they've getting from Tokyo, and that he received a package without an addressee that detailed a very impressive profit margin from car sales. Papa Woodward chuckles condescendingly and asks where a numb-nut like him learned about profit margins, and Jake reminds him that he used to run his own bike shop [before Amanda unwittingly torched it]. Papa Woodward breezily explains that his cars are in demand 'cause they're so awesome, then tells Jake to focus more on his mechanic skills and less on the business part of the garage. Meow.

Billy tells Alison he's off to have drinks with his co-workers...and a few seconds after he leaves, Alison gets a call from Steve telling her he's swinging by to pick her up so they can pretend to discuss his advertising campaign some more.

Steve pulls up in front of the Melrose Place complex just as Jo returns home on her motorcycle. She grins and says, "This is a surprise!" - then frowns when she realizes that he's here to pick up Alison. She snarkishly asks him if Alison is the woman he's pining for...and when he ignores her by mutely watching Alison walking towards them, she mutters, "I thought so."

Jo runs into Jake, who's just finished swimming laps in the pool and asks her how things are going with Steve. Jo growls, "What don't you ask Amanda?" and asks him what he sees in that skank besides the sex and hot body. Jake somehow refrains from pointing out that at least Amanda's not a bitter shithead every minute of the day and insists she's a good person who's misunderstood by many - but Jo just lets out a caustic guffaw and says nothing could convince her that Amanda is anything other than a snake. Jake heads upstairs to Amanda's apartment, unaware that Amanda has eavesdropped on that entire conversation, and dishes about how Jo is very very angry, and is blaming her for her breakup with Steve. Amanda breezily chalks it up to Jo just lashing out, and that she deserves better than to be dating a gnome like Steve McMillan anyway. Jake says he's impressed by her serene attitude towards someone who's so relentlessly mean and bitchy towards her...and that to reward her he's up for some sexy time asap. Amanda's all, "Yippee!" and eagerly obliges, and the two start getting it on atop the couch.

Billy returns from his outing and looks bemused by the empty apartment...at the same time Alison and Steve are strolling on the beach. Alison tells Steve that when they first met everything was all business - but now it's rarely that 'cause of what a distraction she's become to him. Steve admits that he wasn't being fair to Jo when he asked her out, then explains that he hoped she'd help him getting over his feelings for her. Alison says she keeps hoping that her feelings for him will go away, 'cause sneaking around behind her friend's and boyfriend's back isn't her style...and he leans in for a smooch - but this time she puckers up and lets him kiss her.