Melrose Place - Season 2, Episode 30

Chas breaks D&D's record for shortest junior executive career ever

"Devil With the G-String On"
Original airdate: 5/11/1994

Episode summary: Amanda fires Chas for fibbing to Alison that the two of them had sex in the D&D conference room. Sydney is humiliated when the Melrose Place menfolk see her stripper act during Billy's bachelor party. Kimberly tries to hire a hitman to kill Michael.

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Recap: The Melrose Place gang is in the hospital waiting room, anxiously awaiting word on Jo's condition following her tumble down the staircase. Over in the exam room, Jo is conscious and chatting with Jake, who urges her to think positively about her baby's wellbeing - just as the doctor enters the room and gives both her and her baby a clean bill of health. He adds that, just to be extra safe, he's going to keep her in the hospital an extra day for observation.

Amanda arrives at the hospital just as Jake emerges from the exam room to tell the gang that both Jo and the baby are OK. As everyone lets out a sigh of relief and starts to disseminate, Amanda reminds Jake he has a boat charter scheduled later today, and he tells her he cancelled it so he could sit vigil by Jo's bedside. When Amanda scrunches her face disapprovingly, Jake points out that Jo doesn't have anyone else...and Amanda mutters about what a lousy excuse that is before huffily storming off.

Billy asks Alison why she seems extra miffed at Amanda lately, so Alison tells him that she witnessed Amanda and Chas kissing in the conference room at the end of the previous episode, and how annoyed she is on behalf of Jake, who's once again getting screwed over by the unfaithful she-devil. Billy urges her to keep mum about what she saw in order to keep the peace, and Alison hems and haws about it before finally agreeing to keep the explosive intel to herself.

Over in the doctors' lounge, Michael tells Kimberly he just got a bunch of financial statements from Jane and is disappointed that her design company doesn't appear to be earning anything. Kimberly asks if she can take a look at the statements, smugly says she has a nose for discrepancies, and promises to look into whether or not Jane's reporting is honest or if she's been engaging in some creative accounting. 

Amanda is startled to find Chas sitting behind the desk in her office...then tells him he shouldn't be in here, and that she has zero desire to discuss last episode's blechy smooch. Chas says he thinks they should discuss it openly 'cause it's all he's been able to think about, and assures her it's totes A-OK to lose control sometimes. Amanda firmly tells him that from now on they're to have a business only type relationship, and Chas just kind of shrugs and goes, "Sure, you're the boss - and I'm not" before sauntering out of the room.

Sydney tells the creepy owner of Body Stocking that she's choosing the stage name Jane, so then he introduces her as Jungle Jane as she takes the stage and struts her scantily clad stuff.

Kimberly drops in on Jane's design studio to express her bitchy concern about all the "red ink" on the financial reports she sent to Michael. She then informs Jane that she took the liberty of calling up the stores she's doing business with and found a huge discrepancy between what's being reported and all of the clothing orders the stores claim they've placed. She threatens to formally accuse Jane of embezzlement if she doesn't correct her "accounting error" ... then suddenly clutches her head as if she's suffering a sudden headache and rushes out of the studio. Jane stares confusedly after her, no doubt thinking, "Mmm...that was really weird."

"Your design business can't possibly be doing as badly as your financial statements indicate."

"Have you ever seen a Jane Mancini original?"

After a productive client meeting, Amanda applauds Alison and Chas for charming the clients, then announces that she's off to write up a follow-up report for Bruce. Once she's out of earshot, Chas asks Alison whassup with her not blabbing to anyone about the kiss she witnessed between himself and Amanda, so Alison says that whatever game they're playing is too fuckin' weird for her and that she's just going to continue pretending she didn't see nuthin'. Chas tells her he didn't plan on smooching Amanda, who he claims has "a screw loose" and practically raped him on the conference room floor. Alison gives him an ew, gross look and says she really just wants to focus on her job. Chas tries to get her interested in his "plight" and expresses grave concern that Amanda's going to pounce on him whenever they're alone together, but Alison just wishes him a good night and makes a break for the door. As a wigged out looking Alison gathers up her stuff and tells Amanda she's outa here, Amanda glances over at the smirking Chas with a 'hmm, I wonder what that was all about' expression on her face.

Jake and Sarah help Jo up the staircase to her apartment, and she thanks them for their help before retiring to her bedroom for a nap. Jake asks Sarah if she has any idea where her shittheaded boyfriend Hank might be hiding out, so she tells him that there's a bar on Sunset Boulevard he likes to sometimes hang out in and shoot pool. Jake says he's going to head over there to see if he can nab the creep...and on his way out, he runs into Amanda, who invites him to attend her mom's birthday dinner (at the behest of Chas, who seems intent on the two of them reconciling). He agrees to meet her at the restaurant once he takes care of a few things...and Amanda snarks that she hopes these things don't include Jo. Jake chides her for not being very understanding where Jo's concerned, and she wryly says she could be, but doubts it'd get her anywhere.

Alison is staring out the window at Jake and Amanda and remarking to Billy how shitty she thinks Amanda is for stringing Jake along. Billy tells her to forget about the Amanda/Chas smooch she witnessed, then changes the subject to his upcoming bachelor party that Michael was somehow put in charge of planning. Alison remarks that Michael is just sleazy enough to guarantee that everyone will have a great time, then starts unbuttoning her blouse...and when he asks whassup with her disrobing, she explains that she's seducing him in order to get him to be so sexually content and fulfilled that whatever Michael tries to tempt him with at the bachelor party won't have a chance of taking root.

Jake finds Hank hanging in the Sunset Boulevard bar and snidely tells him he's a friend of the woman he pushed down the stairs, and is happy to report that she and her unborn spawn are A-OK. He then warns that the cops are looking for him so he might want to hightail it out of L.A., like pronto, and Hank responds by swinging a pool cue at Jake, who ducks and then gives Hank a well deserved punch in the face. The two get into a punching/wrestling match before Jake fully kicks his ass and snarlingly warns him that the LAPD is on its way.

Over at the hospital, a man with a ruptured appendix, who makes it a point to tell the medical staff that he's allergic to penicillin, is on his way to the OR, and Michael says he's ready to scrub in and perform the life-saving surgery. Kimberly grabs the man's chart from the nurse, heads over to a vacant room, and decides 'why not risk this hapless patient's life by removing the penicillin warning from his chart for the purpose of getting Michael into trouble?'

Linda Gray arrives for her birthday dinner with her top model, Teri Stevens, in tow and looks surprised - but happy - to see Amanda in attendance. Jake arrives soon after, but isn't wearing the required tie to dine in the swanky restaurant and so is given a loaner. Amanda rushes over, notices his bruised face and rolls her eyes as she assumes he got into a scuffle while once again defending Jo. She calls his constant protection of Jo ridiculous, and that if she were to carry on this way he'd be furious. Jake pissily insists, "I can have my own friends, you know", then gets so vexed by her snide 'tude that he rips off the loaner tie and storms out of the restaurant.

Hank calls Sarah to tell her he's leaving L.A., and assumes that she'll be back home before long and beg for his forgiveness. He bitterly says he'll tell everyone back home how well she's doing, then abruptly hangs up to catch his bus. Godspeed, douchewad! Sarah sadly tells Jo that Hank is on his way back to the Midwest and moans about how he was her first boyfriend, but Jo's just like, "Whatever. Good riddance" and gives her young friend a comforting hug.

Kimberly sneakily reattaches the penicillin warning to the hapless patient's chart and scurries off - just as the machines attached to his vitals start beeping and a nurse rushes out to the hall to yell, "Code blue!" Kimberly and Dr. Levin rush over to administer life-saving treatment, and Dr. Levin asks who in the hell gave the man penicillin when there's a clear warning about the allergy on his chart. When one of the nurses tattles on Michael for ordering the potentially deadly medication, Dr. Levin says he wants a full report detailing how this happened, then tells Kimberly that if Michael screwed the pooch on this case, he's in deep shit. Kimberly glares into space while muttering, "Wouldn't that be a shame."

Jane meets with her tax attorney, who advises her to keep Michael's coffers full if she wants to avoid legal trouble and keep Michael out of her life. 

Dr. Levin tells Kimberly it's looking bad for Michael and that he's shocked at the negligent level of sloppiness Michael allegedly demonstrated regarding the patient's penicillin allergy. He then tells Kimberly it's possible that someone (who has a psychotic ax to grind with Michael, for instance) could have removed the caution tag and replaced it later...and when she faux innocently asks, "Why would someone do that?", he smiles and says he's not going to ask that question and will merely send his findings to the board. He then chuckles and tells her she's a very complicated woman, and she smilingly thanks him for letting her get away with nearly killing a patient, not to mention fucking with the hospital's potential liability in the matter, in her vengeful quest to stick it to Michael.

"Thanks for letting me get away with endangering a patient's life for no good reason."

"On the contrary, needless patient mortality is well worth the joy of making Michael look bad."

Linda Gray drops by D&D to check in on her boy toy and thank Amanda for joining her for dinner last night. Amanda tells her that Chas left early to attend Billy's bachelor party - despite him not being friends with Billy and barely knowing the Melrose Place menfolk - then asks her how well she knows the brazen gold digger. Linda Gray shrugs and says, "As well as I need to" and insists that they're deeply in love despite the twelve year age difference. Amanda says that this relationship won't have been worth it if he hurts her, but Linda Gray assures her that she's somehow convinced herself that that could never happen.

Jane stops by the hospital to drop off the profit check for Michael...and when she's unable to find him, she gives the check to Kimberly and tells her she's mostly doing this to keep them both out of her hair. Kimberly chuckles and tells Jane she's not another Sydney and doesn't give a damn about being remotely involved in her life...and Jane just shakes her head wearily and exits the doctors' lounge. 

Alison and Jo are playing cards in Jo's apartment when Sarah blurts out that she thinks Jo and Jake make the perfect couple. Alison says she can't help but agree, and Jo admits that she can't deny her lingering feelings for the meaty stud and wonders what might have been if he hadn't dumped her. Alison points out that Amanda is a cheater and that she and Jake "are not a done deal" - but Jo argues that any opportunity she had to couple with Jake is gone and that she simply has to accept it. 

Billy's bachelor party is being held at Body Stocking...and as Michael toasts the imminent end of Billy's bachelorhood, Jungle Jane takes the stage and begins shaking her naughties. Sydney removes her bra and unwittingly throws it straight at Michael...and when she finally realizes that the Melrose Place menfolk are in the audience and have been watching her humiliating live nude girls act, she shrieks in horror and flees backstage. The club's manager promptly fires her, and Michael chases Sydney outside to laughingly tell her her stripper routine was "a real class act", then gives her a wad of cash as a tip and places her bra atop her head while cackling like a rabid hyena.  

"You've definitely found your calling as a cheap stripper."

"I am opting to take that as a compliment."

Later, Jake deposits a drunk Billy in his apartment, then asks Alison if she's seen Amanda this evening and remarks that he's been calling and calling her. Alison says she hasn't seen her and calls him "amazingly trusting" ... and Billy drunkenly blurts out that Jake needn't worry 'cause Chas was with them the whole night. Jake's all, "Wuh? Care to explain that remark?", so Alison spills the beans about how she witnessed Chas and Amanda kissing at D&D. She adds that Chas claimed it got pretty hot and heavy, then implores Jake to finally come to the realization that Amanda is not right for him. An enraged Jake immediately storms over to Amanda's apartment to ask if "what Alison is saying is true" (!) and asks her if she's sleeping with Chas. Amanda assures him she isn't, gets supremely irritated when he makes it clear that he doesn't believe her, and snarls, "You bastard!" before ordering him to get the hell out of her apartment. 

Dr. Levin tells Michael that his Chief Residency has been revoked by the board on the grounds that he negligently endangered a patient's life. Michael's all, "Wha-a-a-a?" and demands that he overturn the decision otherwise he'll tattle about his penchant for hiring hookers, but Dr. Levin says that the staff from the hospital's legal department is now involved and that there's really no way he can make this go away. He gleefully adds that he looooves seeing someone who's had it coming for so long finally get the justice he so richly deserves.

The next morning at D&D, Amanda storms over to Chas and, in full hearing range of what looks like the entire D&D workforce, calls him a "pathetic, sick excuse for a man" and fires him. She then storms over to the conference room, where Alison's prepping for a client meeting. She berates Alison for deliberately destroying her relationship with Jake and vows to "do you the way you did me" and make her life at D&D such a living hell that she'll wish she'd never been born. It remains unclear why D&D's Human Resources department has never been asked to call out Amanda on her tendency to use personal grudges to foster what looks like the world's most toxic work environment. 

"I'm going to up the ante on making D&D the most toxic workplace that's ever been."

"Do you really think there's any ante left?"

Jake tells Jo he's definitely, absolutely, for sure this time on the outs with Amanda and wants to go back to resuming their dull-as-fuck relationship. Jo moans, "OMG, don't dooooo this to me", but Jake insists that she's the only person to whom he can ever really open up. Jo says she doubts seriously that Amanda will just go away, so he tells her that this change of heart has nothing to do with Amanda and everything to do with him not being able to be relationship-less for more than five fucking minutes. 

A skimpily clad Sydney goes to the bar where Kristian Alfonso and her ho posse are drinking...and when Kristian Alfonso spots her and motions her over, she happily scampers across the bar and says she really really wants her old job back. Kristian Alfonso orders Sydney a martini, then declines the opportunity to rehire Sydney and says she doesn't deal in tramps...and says this as if she isn't the head of a seedy L.A. prostitution ring. Sydney responds by throwing the martini in her face, and as the bouncers forcibly escort her out, Kristian Alfonso reminds her she still owes her 5K. Sydney is bitterly muttering to herself about the tramp remark when a guy in a convertible pulls up and offers her $200 for a sex romp in a nearby motel. Sydney decides 'sure, why the hell not become a full on streetwalker?', gets into the passenger seat, and tells the john he's getting a helluva good deal.

Over at the hospital, a bummed Michael tells Kimberly he's been stripped of his Chief Resident title, and Kimberly pretends to be sympathetic and offers to cheer him up by cooking him a nice dinner. When he tells her he's far too glum to be cheered up by food, she shows him the 5K check she got from Jane and suggests she use it to open a joint bank account. Michael agrees and says he's been meaning to suggest that, and Kimberly dryly says, "Of course you have" and heads out. She drives over to the industrial part of town for a secret meet-up with a shady looking guy. She tells him she wants to off someone and is willing to pay 5K, and he laughs and informs her that a professional hit costs upwards of 50K...and that if she doesn't have that kind of dough, she should just execute the person herself. As he saunters off, Kimberly murmurs to herself, "Then that's exactly what I'll do."

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