Recap: Martin unlocks Sydney's underground pit prison, smarmily wishes her a good morning, and extends a hand to help her out. Sydney irritably points out that she could have died while captive in the pit - but he just kinda shrugs and says her death woulda been on her 'cause she stubbornly refused to write the gimme money letter to her family like he ordered her to. As Sydney glances across the desert, he tells her she's free to run off - but hopes she won't 'cause clearly she has the courage to leave her dreadful L.A. life behind in pursuit of something weird and culty. He then says that at the moment her two choices are hitchhiking or breakfast, and she smilingly opts for breakfast and walks with him in the direction of the camper.

Over at the hospital, Amanda is making D&D calls while getting her first chemo treatment. Michael urges her to chillax, 'cause she's going to need a lot of rest for the difficult days ahead - but she breezily insists she's fine, and that he should worry about his patients who have real problems. 

Jane stops by Jake's place to ask him if he's heard from Sydney lately, and he tells her he hasn't - but that before she left for L.A. she kept jabbering about how he needs to pull his weight, waxed on about some Martin guy, and shared that she was going to a vacation resort with her new friends. Jane ruefully says she thinks they're more cult members than friends, and that she did some research about Martin and was able to quickly deduce that he's a very bad guy. She worries that Sydney is the perfect target for a cult 'cause of what a gullible dodo she is, and now believes it was one of the cultists who trashed Shooters. Well duh.

Back at the hospital, Matt is collecting his work messages at the reception desk when he runs into Detective John Rawlings, who flirtily invites him to dinner later. Matt politely declines and fibs that he's soooo busy today that he's only going to have time to eat at his desk, and a disappointed John's like, "OK, see you around."
 
Amanda arrives at D&D, barrels over to Alison's cubicle, and bitchily asks WTF with her communicating directly with Bob McGovern (of Glorious Gowns) without her permission. Alison calmly explains that Bob wanted to check on the campaign's artwork, so she obliged him - and Amanda rails that she hadn't yet approved the copy, and snarlingly reminds her that nothing is to leave this office without her say-so. Alison stares back at her mutely, then sweetly says, "You're right. Sorry.." and offers to fetch her a cup of tea. Amanda shoots Billy a suspicious stink-eye and orders him and Alison to hightail it to her office...and once they're out of hearing range of the other employees, she blasts Billy for blabbing about her cancer to Alison. Billy admits that, yeah, he was barely able to keep her secret for a day, then insists he had to tell Alison 'cause they've both been busting their butts, picking up the slack while she spends more and more time at the hospital. Amanda defensively insists that she can easily keep up with the workload - but Billy and Alison argue that she obviously can't, and that they're only trying to help. Amanda growlingly warns to not try to fill her shoes, then reminds them to keep their traps shut about her illness, 'cause if it's not business as usual at D&D, they're all going to be out of work.

Back at Camp Cult, Martin is enjoying some target practice with his firearm collection, while Rikki stares at him dreamily and coos about how focused he is on the beer bottles he's aiming to shatter. When Sydney ambles over with Martin's lunch, he asks her if she'd like to try her hand at shooting beer bottles...and after a bit of hemming and hawing she agrees. She slips into the nearby shed and looks stunned by the well stocked armoury, then just picks up the first gun she sees. Martin schools her on how to stand and aim the gun...and when she pulls the trigger, the bullet smashes one of the bottles. Martin grins approvingly and remarks on how well Sydney's cult training is coming along.

Jane drops by Shooters to report to Jake that after making some calls she learned that Sydney is most likely "vacationing" at a cult compound in Tucson...and Jake is all, "Whoa.." and says he'll accompany her there tomorrow. Across the bar, meanwhile, Matt is enjoying a drink with Jo as she gabbles about her new job at L.A. Monthly. A few seconds later, Detective John Rawlings enters the bar and makes a beeline over to Matt, who looks less than thrilled at his annoying persistence. He introduces John to Jo, who shares that her new work assignment is to photograph "the real" L.A. nightlife. John tells her she likely won't be able to enter the kind of seedy territory that would give her the best possible photographic opportunities and offers to take her on a ride-along, and Jo looks visibly intrigued by the prospect.

Over at the beach house, Michael and Kimberly are going at it in bed when Amanda calls to tearfully plead with Michael to make a house call 'cause she's suddenly feeling very sick from the chemo treatments. He tells her he'll be there in twenty minutes, then leaps out of bed to put on some clothes...leaving a dissatisfied Kimberly glaring angrily into space.

​Michael arrives at Amanda's apartment with soda, crackers, and medication for her nausea and tells her it's critically important that she rest while undergoing chemo. She reluctantly agrees to take his advice, then implores him to stay with her until she falls asleep, and he's like 'sure, it's not like I have anything better to do', and the two contentedly snuggle together on her couch. Mmm hmm..

​Jake and Jane stop at a diner while en route to Tucson. Jane profusely thanks Jake for agreeing to accompany her on this road trip and is soooo worried that something terrible might happen to Sydney - but Jake points out that Sydney is stubborn as fuck and surely won't allow herself to be talked into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

At the hospital, a miffed Kimberly asks Michael why he didn't tell her that Amanda has lymphoma, and he reminds her about the main rule doctors are required to follow: maintain doctor-patient confidentiality. Kimberly points out that Amanda needs to be under the direct care of an oncologist, and Michael tells her that the hospital's oncology department is aware of her treatment, and is A-OK with him taking the lead in her case 'cause she's very comfortable with him being her physician...and Kimberly once again reacts to Michael's devotion to Amanda by glaring angrily into space.

Jo is on the ride-along with Detective John Rawlings, photographing the mean streets with its scantily clad hookers and other ne'er-do-wells. John smugly points out that she'd never be able to get this kind of access if she were out here on her own...and says this as though they're not both standing on a public street that looks like any person interested enough in being there could easily access. A few seconds later, John gets a call on his cell phone regarding a drug dealer, so he tells Jo they need to take off, pronto. The two arrive at a dark alley, and John ominously pulls out his gun and cautions Jo to stay in the car. He then disappears...and a few seconds later Jo hears scuffling noises and glass breaking, so naturally she sneaks out of the car to see whassup. She's stunned to covertly witness John punching and kicking the drug dealer until the poor man loses consciousness...and so she pulls out her camera and snaps incriminating photos of the assault before slipping back inside the car. John returns a short while later and tells her he's going to have to take her home now, and she says she totally understands.

Sydney is ambling around Camp Cult clutching a laundry basket when she spots headlights coming towards her. When the alarmed cultists scramble to arm themselves, Sydney tells Martin everyone can stand down 'cause the car is her sister's. Martin orders her to get rid of Jane asap...so when Jane exits the car and runs over to Sydney and attempts a hug, Sydney coldly tells her to leave her alone, unconvincingly insists that she's happy with her meagre accommodations in the desert camp, and pronounces, "It may not be Camelot, but it's the home I've always dreamed of." Jane gives her a funny look [at that obvious cry for help] and asks her if she's really absolutely 100% sure 'bout that, and Sydney replies that she really needs to stay. Jane's like 'er, OK..?' and heads back to her car...and as she and Jake drive off, Martin mutters, "Go in love" and wankingly tells Sydney she's definitely developing into a stronger person.

The next morning, Jo shows Matt the developed photos of Detective John Rawlings kicking the ever loving shit out of the poor drug dealer...and Matt tells her that John has a troubling violent streak, explaining that he also threatened Kimberly when he learned that she sent two anti-gay thugs to rough him up. Jo says she's reluctant to get involved in any police-related drama now that she's gotten her life back together, then weakly wonders aloud, "Maybe the attack was justified..?" as Matt scrunches his face skeptically.

After returning to Melrose Place, Jane tells Jake she feels like they missed something while in Tucson...and now believes that, in light of Sydney's weird Camelot talk, she's being held at Cult Camp under duress. Jake says he'd love to make the gruelling drive with her to Arizona a second time (!) and gaily offers, "Let's go save Sydney's butt!"

Back at D&D, Alison and Billy present Amanda with a wind-up Valentine's Day toy. Amanda smiles delightedly at the sweet gesture...but then takes her fist to it after the two exit her office.

Michael asks Matt for advice on how to help a patient access a medical research study in New York that claims it's full. Matt explains that "full" doesn't always mean "no vacancy", and more than likely the project manager is just being selective. He urges Michael to push hard for his patient, and Michael quietly contemplates doing exactly that.

Two police officers from Internal Affairs drops by Jo's apartment to ask her if she happened to witness any crimes that may have been committed by Detective John Rawlings in a dark alley during her ride-along. She's like, "Nope, don't know nuthin' about nuthin'" ... and the cops seem satisfied enough with that response and leave.

Billy drops in on Alison to celebrate Valentine's Day evening with a bowl of popcorn, a couple of movie choices, and a bouquet of flowers. Alison selects The Dirty Dozen over the rom-com and gives him a happy hug.

Back in Tucson, Rikki rushes into the camper and grimly informs Sydney that her sister is back. Martin hands Sydney a gun and tells her she's to shoot both Jane and Jake if they don't immediately leave. Sydney pretends she's onboard with that craziness and tells him she just needs a moment alone with her concerned loved ones, then heads outside and covertly tells Jane that she's brandishing her weapon in an effort to save her life. For Martin's benefit she loudly lays it on thick about not wanting them to ruin her life, but then sadly mouths to Jake 'please go'. As soon as Jake and Jane climb back into the car, Sydney shoots at the tires of the cultists' vehicles, triumphantly yells, "Adios fruitcakes!" - lol - then dashes over to Jane's car and leaps into the back seat. As the three squeal off, Martin cautions an incensed Rikki to refrain from shooting at them, explaining, "We'll take care of Sydney another time."

The next morning, Jane stops by Jake's apartment to report that a fully de-programmed Sydney is A-OK, and that she's meeting with her probation officer later. She then coquettishly thanks him for all of his help, and invites him to her place later for a home-cooked appreciation dinner. Jake blushingly tells her he definitely likes the sound of that, and Jane beams happily and flirtily says, "See ya" before sashaying off.

Jo visits Matt to show him the photos she took of Detective John Rawling's assault on the hapless drug dealer, and nervously natters about how worried she is that this is going to blow up her life. Matt cautions her to not destroy the photos and offers to hang onto them while she decides what her next move is going to be, and she thanks him for his help and nervously leaves.

Michael drops by D&D to inform Amanda that her white blood cell count is dangerously low, and that he really really wants to get her into a private research study being run by a New York doctor (Dr. Richard Steele) - but is getting the runaround about the study being full. He proposes they go to New York together and camp out on Dr. Steele's door until he agrees to include her...and Amanda chews on that prospect for a few seconds before telling him to book the flight. 

Jo is walking home alone, carrying a bag of groceries, when Detective John Rawlings appears out of nowhere to ask her if she truly did stay in the car while he was beating up the drug dealer...adding that he knows how nosy some people can get. He anxiously says he neeeeeeds to know who his friends are, and she assures him that, yep, she's his friend all right...and he seems convinced enough of that and wanders off. When Jo arrives at her apartment a few seconds later, she's visibly aghast to see that it's been completely ransacked, and then wanders around the mess in a teary daze.

Sydney is relaxing from her ordeal at Camp Cult when the phone rings and Rikki leaves a message on her machine. While being canoodled by Martin, Rikki tells Sydney they both miss her, promising, "We'll be back for you." An alarmed Sydney rushes downstairs to seek comfort from Jane - but when she glances through the window and sees that Jane and Jake are having a cozy, non-platonic looking dinner together, she stares at them with a devastated, haunted looking expression.

Recap: Michael drops by D&D to tell Amanda she needs to hightail it over to the hospital asap so he can finish her work-up. She argues that she feels just fine and has deluded herself into believing she doesn't actually have cancer...and an exasperated Michael urges her to get a second opinion if she wants, but that she needs to consider her current health status "dead serious". Amanda wryly asks if he's trying to scare her, and he grimly replies, "No, I thought the biopsy would", then suggests she direct her bitchitude to fighting the cancer instead of him.

At the hospital, Matt calls out Kimberly for hiring thugs to rough him up so that she'd have ample opportunity to rewrite her psychological evaluation, which was altered to describe her as the sunniest lady doctor who ever lived. When he grumbles that it's forgery, she reminds him that he too committed forgery when he changed Michael's blood alcohol results after the drunk driving accident that nearly killed her. Matt argues that he only did that "to save your precious Michael" so he wouldn't be shipped off to prison...then vows that somehow, someday he's going to see to it that she's thrown out of the hospital. He then smirks and tells her her wig is crooked, and she looks alarmed and rushes over to the nearest mirror to check on her fake hair.

In front of the Melrose Place complex, Sydney gets restless as she and Rikki wait for the cultists to pick them up for an out of town jaunt...and Rikki tells her to chillax, 'cause she's about to embark on an incredible journey that's sure to offer her a delightful load of spiritual enlightenment. Sydney shrugs and jokes about how she could really go for a sandwich right now - just as Jane wanders over. Sydney mockingly asks her if she's going to accuse her of cutting up her underwear, then informs her sister that she's off on a vacation [spoiler: not a vacation] ... and Jane's all, "Say wuh?" and reminds her that she's supposed to meet with her probation officer. Rikki chucklingly remarks to Jane that she's trying to control Sydney's life while hers is such a hot mess - but Jane just ignores her and tells Sydney she's still in a lot of trouble for trashing Shooters [despite there not being a shred of proof that she was, in any way, responsible]. A few seconds later, a mini school bus arrives, and Sydney lapses into cult-speak as she advises, "Drop the weight, Jane. Worry about your own responsibilities" [not bad advice, actually], then climbs onto the school bus with Rikki.

Matt is lunching with Detective John Rawlings, aka the cop who's been investigating his gay hate crime attack during the previous episode, and reveals that Dr. Kimberly Shaw was the person who hired the two thugs to beat him up...but that he wants to discreetly handle the matter himself. John jots down Kimberly's name, then changes the subject and asks Matt what he likes to do for fun. Matt stares back at him humorlessly and says he has zero interest in leaping into a new romantic relationship, then gets up and mumbles that he has to get back to work now.

The cult bus arrives at a remote location in the desert...and as Rikki marvels about the ugly campsite being a Utopia, Sydney glances around at the spartan tents and decrepit camper with visible distaste and says she's hugely disappointed that this isn't the luxury weekend resort she was led to believe she'd be vacationing at. Rikki shoots her an incredulous stare and says that the sole purpose of this retreat is to get away from the trappings of everyday life and rid herself of material things, and then Martin wanders over and lays it on thick about how the clean desert air makes one's spirit soar. 

That evening, Jake is putting a new seat on Jo's motorcycle when Amanda storms over to tell him to get that hunk of junk out of the courtyard 'cause it's leaking oil all over the stonework. When she also directs her ire at Jo, Jake snaps at her to knock it off - but she counter-snaps that she wants the motorcycle out of the courtyard asap.

​Amanda enters her apartment, hits play on her answering machine, and listens to a message from a Dr. Sanchez. She hastily calls him back, and he tells her he fully concurs with Michael about her biopsy and that she's going to need further testing in order to assess whether or not her cancer requires further treatment.

The next day, Michael calls Amanda at her D&D office to schedule a series of follow-up tests, and she chides him for calling her at work 'cause she doesn't want any of her subordinates to get wind of her illness. He's like, "Yeah, whatevs...just be at the hospital this afternoon" and she agrees to cancel everything on her calendar.

On her way out, Amanda tells Billy she's cancelling her afternoon appointments, and he's all, "Say wuh?" and informs her that he went ahead and scheduled an important client meeting at 2pm without bothering to check with her first. She growls, "I can't make it!" and admonishes him for scheduling anything involving a client without her knowledge and/or approval.

Amanda takes one look at the CAT scan machine and tries to flee the exam room - but Michael stops her, forces her onto the stretcher, and tells her to put her big girl pants on and just take the %$#! test.

Back in the desert, Martin is holding court, telling an obviously bullshit story [he just invented for the purpose of manipulating Sydney] about how his brother (Robert) stole a car in which they both went joyriding. Robert, who was driving, crashed into a tree, assumed Martin was dead in the passenger seat, and fled the scene...and a few minutes later, a neighbor wandered over, lifted Martin out of the car with his big strong arms and carried him home [seemingly in lieu of rushing him to the hospital]. By that time, however, Robert had told his parents that he (Martin) was the one who had stolen the car and was behind the wheel when it crashed, and their father believed this fictitious version of events, which propelled a disenchanted Martin to seek love and protection from outside his biological family unit. As Sydney looks visibly moved by the nonsensical recollection, Martin waxes on about how he now has a new home and family...then shifts the subject and announces that tomorrow morning they'll begin to release the chains of their past. Rikki stares over at Martin in dreamy reverence, then informs Sydney that she's going to have to stay up all night in order to provide "tea service" to the Dear Leader. Sydney makes a seriously? face and asks her what the hell is involved in that, so Rikki first chides her for not being more grateful that Martin waived the $300 registration fee to attend this momentous retreat [a scam in itself, no doubt], then explains that Martin requires tea and nourishment throughout the night 'cause he gets so little sleep. A bemused Sydney refrains from..

• first laughing in hearty disbelief at the pompous idiocy of needing to be periodically nourished throughout the night
• asking if the tea is decaffeinated, 'cause if he makes it a habit to drink caffeinated tea it's prolly why he's not getting enough sleep
• suggesting that Martin just put a cup of tea and biscuits on his nightstand and let everyone else get a full night's rest

...and tells Rikki that she's reluctantly willing to perform this silly duty.

That evening, Amanda returns to D&D, finds Billy working late, and acts all contrite about the way she snapped at him earlier. She offers to treat him to dinner and says she could really use a friend, and he's like 'sure, why the hell not?'

Over dinner at a fancy restaurant, Amanda confesses to Billy that she hasn't been well, specifically that she was just diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. Billy contorts his normally wooden facial expression into something slightly less wooden, says that surely she can beat this, and that he'll be there for her. She emphasizes that her health status has to remain confidential, and Billy clasps her hand and assures that he'll keep her secret for as long as he's able to keep his big mouth shut. 

Sydney enters Martin's camper to bring him his first round of tea & snacks...and is stunned to find him in bed with Rikki and another female cultist. Rikki gigglingly admits to Sydney that she prolly should have told her that Martin is her husband...and when a confused Sydney asks why they don't wear wedding rings and/or live together, Martin says he's not into tradition, bloviates about how those things are "restrictions from the outside world", and says he much prefers that Rikki brand herself with a cursive M tattoo on the side of her neck, which she gaily shows off. Martin then gazes hungrily at Sydney and tells her that when she's ready to rid herself of life's impurities, she'll be full of limitless love...and Rikki and the other cultist chucklingly invite Sydney to join them in bed for the tea & snacks. A weirded out Sydney gives that a hard no and tells them that tea gives her a headache, so Martin tells her she can put the tray down and go get some sleep, creepily adding, "Go in love."

Michael studies Amanda's X-rays and tells her that she definitely has Stage 3 lymphoma - but that it's highly treatable, meaning a 50% chance of full recovery. An aghast Amanda's all, "That's it?" and expresses concern about losing her hair once she starts chemo treatments, and Michael's all, "OK then, good luck with that" as he gets paged to attend to another patient. Amanda makes it clear that she's very irked about him leaving so abruptly without bothering to answer her questions, but he's like, "I don't give a shit, I have lots of other patients" and exits the exam room.

Back at the retreat, Martin is schooling his cult followers on Step One of the ladder to spiritual enlightenment: make peace with the past. As a visibly bored Sydney stares dully into space, Martin gabbles on about the need to send out positive energy...and by send out positive energy he means write a letter to family members demanding their spiritual right, aka a cash infusion. As the cultists immediately get busy writing their gimme money letters, a dismayed Sydney tells Rikki she really really wants to get back to the city, not least 'cause she has a meeting with her probation officer she can't miss. Rikki asks her if she's being prudish about the icky threesome she walked in on last night and wildly assumes she's somehow jealous about not currently getting nailed by Martin during his nightly orgies - but Sydney denies all that and explains that, like any reasonably sane person, she's simply uncomfortable about being stranded in the desert with a group of weirdos who are are obeying Martin like mindless sheep as they attempt to extract cash from their loved ones. She then gets up - just as Martin glances over concernedly and Rikki shoots him a look of mild panic.

Amanda arrives at D&D, bitchily snaps at Alison about something or other, then storms off to her office. Once she's safely out of earshot, Alison rails to Billy about how torturous it is to work for such a cunty boss...and when Billy shushes her and urges her to show Amanda some compassion, she's all 'the hell you just say?' Billy breaks his promise of confidentiality to Amanda [that didn't last 12 hours] and blabs that she has cancer...and Alison's all, "No way!" and Billy's like, "Way!" and tells her that Amanda has been leaving the office in the middle of the day 'cause she's had to go to the hospital for tests. Alison chews on that revelation for a few seconds and says that maybe she should apologize to Amanda for unwittingly antagonizing her - but Billy cautions her not to, 'cause no one's supposed to know that she's ill.

While driving to work, Kimberly gets pulled over by Detective John Rawlings, who bitchily orders her out of the car, then points his gun at her as he tells her to lay face-down on the ground. Kimberly informs him that she's a doctor and suggests that maybe he's confusing her with someone else - but he snarlingly retorts that he knows exactly who she is: the person who orchestrated a physical attack on Matt. He warns that he doesn't tolerate gay bashers, and adds that if she doesn't clean up her act, he'll make her life miserable. He contorts his face into a demented expression and waves his gun in front of her face, and she stares back at him in terror and races back to her car. 

Over at the hospital, Amanda tells Michael she's been doing some research about various chemotherapy treatments and found some interesting reading about a particular drug. Michael looks condescendingly amused and chides, "Don't tell me how to do my job" - just as Kimberly arrives for her shift.

Sydney drops by Martin's camper to wank him about all the great stuff she's learned over the past couple of days, but really needs to get back to the city now 'cause she's had her fill of the weirdness that is this cult - er...I mean has an appointment to meet with her probation officer. Martin says he'd love for her to stay, but assures her she's free to leave anytime...though the school bus that transported her here won't be going anywhere for the next week. Sydney shrugs and says she'll try to hitch a ride, and Martin nods approvingly and coos, "Go in love." 

Early the next morning, Sydney waves down the first truck she sees on the road - but is all 'the fuckity fuck?' when she sees Martin behind the wheel and Rikki in the passenger seat. A male cultist appears behind her and forces her into the back of the truck while she shrieks, "Let me goooooo!"

Detective John Rawlings tells Matt he took care of his Kimberly problem in a non law abiding way, and that he's pretty sure he scared the bejeezus out of her so much that she won't be bothering him anymore. Matt looks visibly peeved as he warns him that Kimberly is full-on nuts and that he really just wanted the conflict to die down. John shrugs as he boasts, "I set her straight" and to let him know if she steps out of line again. When Matt points out that his treatment of Kimberly is tantamount to police harassment, John says he thinks of it more as a perk to the person he's protecting, and insists that he was only trying to help...but Matt just stares back at him incredulously and tells him in no uncertain terms to back the hell off.

Michael drops by D&D to bring Amanda a comfort teddy bear and to assure her that her cancer diagnosis isn't necessarily a death sentence. He tells her that since his goal as her doctor is to get her healthy again, she needs to trust him...and she wearily says she's A-OK with showing up at all of her appointments - as long as he's willing to bend to her schedule. He readily agrees - 'cause, sure, that's a totally realistic thing to expect of a busy doctor - and says he'll see her at the hospital tomorrow at 7am. 

Matt runs into Kimberly in the elevator and tells her he heard about her run-in with a certain corrupt police detective, quickly adding that he had nothing to do with his rough treatment of her. When Kimberly vows her revenge, Matt snaps back, "You can't afford to get too nasty, Kimmy. Police are on your tail." She kinda nods at that fair point and suggests a truce, and he tells her he'll think about it. 

The cultists transport Sydney back to the desert camp and toss her into an unground cell with the instruction to meditate - but she ignores that edict and cries, "Somebody pleeeeeease help me!!"

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Michael arrives late for a hospital staff meeting that's being chaired by Dr. Hobbs, who's in the middle of announcing that the entire staff will be required to undergo mandatory psychological evaluations to see if any of them are anywhere near as nutty as Peter Burns turned out to be. He adds that Matt is going to be in charge of administering the tests, which prompts Kimberly to snarkishly complain that Matt is a lightweight who doesn't have the requisite qualifications to head up that task. An indignant Matt reminds her that he has degrees in clinical psychology and social work...and a visibly irked Dr. Hobbs admonishes Kimberly for demonstrating the kind of arrogance that largely made for Peter's shitty personality, and which eventually led to his self-inflicted fall from grace.

Jake drops by Jo's apartment to share that he continues to feel close to her after they hit the sheets during the previous episode...and she tells him that while she's very grateful for his help, her energy is going to be spent grieving the loss of custody of her son and agonizing about how she's going to forgive herself. Jake says he can totally dig that and says he'll be around if she needs him.

Back at the hospital, Kimberly grumbles to Michael that being forcibly psychologically evaluated is an unacceptable invasion of privacy. Michael breezily says he regards psychological testing as pointless "psycho babble", then mock-preps her with the following question:

If you're mad at your husband, would you:
a) Confront him
b) Cheat on him
c) Dress up as someone else and run him over (lol)

He chucklingly says they should prolly skip that question, and Kimberly shoots him the stink-eye as she makes it clear that she doesn't find his ribbing at her expense, in any way, amusing.

At a D&D meeting, a visibly fatigued looking Amanda tells the staff that the company is in dire straits, and that everyone's going to have to focus on giving 100% of their energy to their existing clients, while also figuring out ways to bring in new ones. Alison suggests cancelling D&D's annual charity ball and use the money to deliver a series of intense individualized campaigns for their more valuable clients - but Amanda snaps about what an ass-backwards idiotic approach that is, 'cause it might send the message to their clients that the company is so weakened from all the turmoil it just endured that they had to cancel their annual event. She decrees that the ball will go ahead as planned and makes clear that she expects the entire D&D staff to be in attendance. As the staff collectively grimaces and looks less than thrilled by the prospect, Amanda reminds them how crucial it is to put forth the illusion that D&D is an advertising force to be reckoned with.

Billy stares concernedly at Amanda, tells her she looks a lot more tired than usual, and asks her if she's OK...and she irritably tells him to shut it and get back to work.

Sydney is at Martin's house with Rikki, helping the cultists assemble flyers for a mail campaign and remarking about how Martin's "Abbott Way" schtick seems very scam-like. Rikki insists that all the shit Martin is into is totally on the up and up...and a few seconds later, Martin appears, concurs with Rikki that there's nothing resembling a scam going on here, and thanks Sydney for helping with the mail campaign. As he ambles off, Rikki stares after him dreamily and coos, "He's something, isn't he?" and Sydney [somehow declines to echo my meh impression of Martin] and agrees that he is indeed something, and adds that all the cultists seem like genuinely nice people. 

Back at D&D, Alison tells Billy that part of her addiction recovery process is making amends to him, then formally apologizes for all of the pain and aggravation she's been causing him [mostly since the end of Season 2] and expresses her gratitude for his efforts in getting her into rehab. She says she'll always been his friend and that she loves him, and he's like, "Same" - just as Meredith unexpectedly wanders into the nearby reception area. She explains to Alison that she's in L.A. for a librarians' symposium, then sheepishly says she feels bad about the way she abandoned her when she (Alison) attempted to bring their creepy pedo dad to justice during the season premiere. Alison assures her she's A-OK with how the Melrose Place writers hastily wrapped up that icky storyline, and the two agree to meet up for dinner later. 

At Shooters, Sydney is earnestly telling Jake she's starting to see the wisdom of Martin's life philosophy, which seems to harp incessantly on distinguishing between the world's winners and losers. She calls the cultists her new friends and tells Jake he'd totally fit in with "the Abbott Way" - but Jake tells her he highly doubts that and urges her to be careful while among a large group of blindly loyal sheep, then makes it clear that their short-lived/ill-fated romance is officially dunzo. As Sydney processes the unexpected dumping [that frankly I thought was already fait accompli], Jo bursts in to rail about how someone put sugar in her motorcycle's fuel tank...and, as a result, wrecked her sole form of transportation. Sydney bitterly mutters, "Finally...someone around here gets what she deserves", then stomps out of the bar while Jo stares after her looking bemused and aghast.

While dining out, Alison assures Meredith 1) she has nothing to forgive her for, 2) she totally understands her refusal to publicly testify against their creepy pedo dad, and 3) their focus should be on the future. Meredith wanks her about how proud of her she is that she's overcoming her booze addiction and gaining control of her life...but, at the same time, can't help but be sad about her breakup with Billy. Alison just kind of shrugs and says they prolly were never meant to be a romantic couple...and when she shifts the conversation towards her sister's prospects, Meredith glumly says there's no hope of a man anywhere on the horizon on account of their creepy pedo dad messed her up so wretchedly that she has no clue how to be with a guy. Alison breezily says she just needs an infusion of confidence, and that maybe a more flattering wardrobe is in order...and Meredith contorts her face in her usual hang-dog expression and admits that, yep, she rarely considers not dressing like a frumpy librarian everywhere she goes.
​
While heading out for a night on the town, Sydney grumbles to Rikki about the way Jo interrupted her conversation with Jake earlier, and Rikki clucks sympathetically and recounts that Martin is always sermonizing about how people like Jo often use false events (aka a motorcycle problem) "to get false power over others". Sydney's like, "Er, OK" and says she really just wants to shake it all off and have a fun night out - just as they happen to run into Jane, who pulls Sydney aside to tell her she's extremely miffed that Rikki is wearing the black dress she (Jane) loaned to her (Sydney), which she was supposed to return long ago. Sydney says she simply forgot to give it back, then chides Jane for being petty before lapsing into her newly acquired cult-speak by adding, "I think you should take responsibility for your feelings and not dump them on me." Jane scrunches her face confusedly and makes it clear that she wants the dress back unharmed...and in response to that, Rikki marches over to her, strips off the dress, and haughtily says, while standing there in her underwear, "Why don't you just take the damn thing now?" and mocks Jane for looking so shocked that a person would have the courage to sacrifice [being fully clothed in a residential courtyard] for a friend who's "being humiliated by her so-called sister". She dramatically pronounces to Jane that Sydney doesn't need her in her life anymore 'cause she has a real family now...and then she and Sydney cackle together while they rush back up to the apartment to find something for Rikki to wear.

Kimberly drops by Matt's office to ask if he would please skip over her when he administers the psychological evaluations, then "explains" that she's been feeling so edgy lately she's worried it'll skew her results. Matt's like, "Uh, no" and reminds her that her appointment has been scheduled for 2pm. She reacts by snarlingly vowing to make his life a living hell once she's reinstated on the Social Service board - but Matt calmly replies that her threats don't work with him...and so she warns that she's about a lot more than threats, ominously adding, "You should know that by now."  

While meeting with the CEO of Glorious Gowns (Bob McGovern), an over-tired Amanda misquotes several of his company's sales statistics...and when Bob gets irked by her lack of focus, Alison jumps in and pitches her latest, off-the-cuff idea for an upcoming ad campaign: feature an elegant yet confident, modern princess who takes no shit from no one. Bob carries on about how much he looooooves that groundbreaking concept and tells Amanda she's surrounded by such a super great team. Once he exits the conference room and is safely out of hearing range, an enraged Amanda warns Alison to never interrupt one of her pitches again, 'cause it undermines her authority...and Alison responds by pouting and quickly storming out, leaving Billy to once again stare concernedly at Amanda and ask her what's wrong. She tells him she has a headache, but has no interest in seeing a doctor to get to the bottom of it, then snappishly tells him to mind his own damn business. 

Alison brings Meredith to Jane's design studio to see about metamorphosing her frumpiness into a more fashion-forward look. Jane warmly greets the two, then rushes off to wheel in a rack of dresses...but when she unveils it, she's horrified to see that someone has torn each of the garments to shreds. She cries, "Who would doooooo this?!", then pauses as if she suddenly looks as though she might have some idea. 

At Melrose Place, Rikki is babbling at Sydney about how Martin decrees that one can't allow oneself to be weighed down by other people's "loads", and Sydney somehow refrains from telling her to shut the fuck up already about Martin's preaching, 'cause it's relentless and irritating. [Sorry - that was me, projecting.] A few seconds later, Jane storms into the apartment to accuse a bewildered Sydney of shredding her dresses at the design studio and demands to have her spare key back. As Sydney's all 'whassup with everyone suddenly blaming me for everything?', Rikki points to her altercation with Jane as irrefutable proof that "the weak ones blame the strong", then urges Sydney to take Martin's sage advice to "just walk on by" ... and Sydney says she's definitely A-OK with never seeing Jane again. 

The next morning, Jo runs into Jane in the Melrose Place courtyard and offers her condolences about the shredded dresses. Jane says she's pretty sure that Sydney was the culprit...and Jo's like 'yep, that tracks' and recalls how smug Sydney looked when she learned about her wrecked motorcycle, and is going to take a short leap and assume that she had a direct hand in the damage. 

Matt breaks the news to Kimberly that her psychological assessment didn't go well, to say the least, and that she has several mental health deficiencies that could be dealt with by undergoing intense counselling sessions [by a team of seasoned psychiatrists working around the clock]. He then itemizes her various issues:

• No healthy mechanism for dealing with stress
• High degrees of suppressed hostility
• Sociopathic tendencies
• Dissociative personality disorder

Matt sums up the list by concluding, "In short, you're a walking time bomb." A panicked Kimberly begs him to alter her results to something less alarming, 'cause she's pretty sure that being outed as a walking time bomb can't be good for her medical career. Matt refuses to change the results and asks her to please initial and sign the evaluation - but she says she's going to have to think long and hard about that, then saunters out of the room.

Jo returns home and quickly realizes that her apartment has been burglarized while she was out...and is particularly distressed when she sees that her camera equipment has been stolen. She races over to Shooters (where Sydney is lunching with Rikki), grabs Sydney, and accuses her of the theft and messing with her livelihood. Rikki leaps up and shoves Jo away from Sydney - just as Jake rushes over to break up the fight. When Jo tells him about Sydney's alleged thieving, he excuses Sydney from her shift...and when Rikki admonishes him for immediately taking Jo's side, he's like, "Fuck off, I don't even know you." As Sydney and Rikki stomp towards the exit, Jo angrily tells Sydney she expects her camera equipment returned, pronto.

At the D&D charity ball, Amanda agrees with Bob McGovern that the confident bride idea is a great theme for his upcoming campaign, and that she'll instruct Alison to cobble together a presentation asap...before Bob once again lays it on thick about what a super impressively talented ideas person Alison is. Billy, meanwhile, ambles over to Michael and says he's pretty sure that something's physically wrong with Amanda and wonders if he wouldn't mind giving her a covert medical exam on the dance floor, and Michael's like 'sure, why the hell not?'

Meredith, who has traded her usual frump-wear for a sexy red evening gown, saunters over to Billy. She coquettishly tells him she's trying her hardest to be less reserved, and then asks him to dance...and he shrugs disinterestedly, but decides 'sure, whatever'. As the two start slow dancing, Meredith overshares about how she's been keeping her sexuality locked up 'cause of her traumatic childhood, and Billy responds by grunting uncomfortably and staring awkwardly into space.

​Under the glare of Kimberly's stink-eye, Michael asks Amanda to dance and immediately notices that she has lumps on her neck. As he asks her what other symptoms she has, Kimberly storms over and chides him for cuckqueaning her in public, prompting Amanda to rush off. Michael blocks Kimberly's attempt to punch him in the face and says he'll deal with her later, then rushes after Amanda and says he's really just trying to help. Amanda starts to tell him to go pee up a rope - but collapses before she's able to fully get the words out.

Matt is walking home when he's confronted by two shady looking hooligans who snarl, "Wrong neighborhood, queer bait." A few seconds later, they start punching and kicking Matt before fleeing the scene and leaving him laying on the ground, writhing in pain. 

Later that night, Rikki climbs out of bed, grabs Sydney's Shooters key, and heads over to the bar. She makes sure it's empty, then gets a demented look on her face as she starts throwing chairs around, smashes the pinball machine with a pool cue, and tears up the pool table.
​
Over in the hospital, Matt is describing the attack to the investigating police officer, who reveals that, since he too is gay, he's well aware that the violence he just suffered was a gay hate crime. He assures Matt he'll do everything possible to solve the case. 

Elsewhere in the hospital, Michael gives Amanda a shot of something to help with her general state of weakness. He also prescribes bed rest - but she argues that she's too busy keeping D&D from going under, and rushes off.  

Billy returns to his apartment after his morning run...and shortly after he strips off his sweaty shirt, he's startled to find a naked Meredith lounging in his bed. She gazes dreamily at him while cooing in her obnoxious sounding little girl voice that she's sooooo glad he leaves his door unlocked when he goes out for his daily jog [that's seriously dumb, Billy], then coquettishly points out that they're both adults and wouldn't be hurting anyone if they hooked up [though Alison would likely beg to differ], and invites him to join her under the sheets. Billy makes it clear what a colossally horrible idea he considers that to be - just as Alison happens to drop by at that moment. As Billy tries to forcibly get Meredith to throw on some clothes, Alison appears in the doorway, processes the disturbing scene she just had the misfortune to walk in on, and glares accusingly at Billy while calling him "the lowest animal on earth". Billy explains that Meredith took it upon herself to sneak into his apartment, get naked and slip into his bed, and proposition him when he returned home from his jog...and when Alison says she's not buying that [generally believable] story, Billy grumbles that they're both nuts and sourly mumbles, "I don't even like your sister, much less want to sleep with her." Ouch. A humiliated Meredith mutters, "Oh God.." and slinks out the room shame-faced, prompting Alison to nonsensically chide Billy for the emotional damage he just inflicted on her loopy sister.

In a private room at Cult Headquarters, Rikki shows Martin the cameras she stole from Jo, and he nods approvingly, says, "Nice work", and says they can sell them once the serial numbers have all been scraped off. After that, they head into the common area, where Martin officially proclaims to the cultists, "I present Sydney Andrews. Welcome with all the light and heart you bring with you" ... and Sydney beams happily as everyone claps, hugs, and congratulates her. 

Back at the hospital, Matt wakes up to - ack! - the sight of Kimberly looming over him. She asks him how he's doing, tut tuts the fact that only his ribs were broken and laments, "I told them to break your arm." Matt says he knows she's not actually to blame for the attack 'cause of the gay hate crime nature of the unprovoked assault, and she responds by grinningly revealing, "You bet your butt it was. I hate you" ... and Matt stares after her in horrified bewilderment as she smugly sashays out of the room. 

Jane and Jo are helping Jake clean up the mess Rikki that made in Shooters the night before...and when Sydney arrives for her shift and asks whassup with all the smashed furniture everywhere, they respond by glaring accusingly at her. Jake tells her he can only assume that she's responsible for all the damage and fires her, and Jane warns that she called her probation officer to inform him about her destructive behavior. An infuriated Sydney rails about how sick and tired she is of being hurt by all of them, and storms out. 

A tearful Meredith confesses to Alison that she's always been jealous of her relationship with Billy, and somehow thought it wouldn't be a completely batshit-crazy idea to lose her cherry to her sister's ex-fiancé. Alison concurs that there's a whole part of her life that was never able to grow and blossom...and that maybe she should see about working through her sexual repression issues with the aid of a therapist. Meredith agrees, sheepishly apologizes, and says she hopes that Billy doesn't hate her. Alison assures her he prolly just thinks she's an emotionally stunted weirdo and implores her to not blame herself...and Meredith squeaks, "I love you" as the two hug.

Michael drops by Amanda's apartment to break the news that her blood test came back, and that there's a strong indication she could have Hodgkin's lymphoma and will therefore need to undergo more testing, stat. Amanda angrily says she doesn't believe him, accuses him of medical trickery, and yells at him to get the hell out of her apartment. Michael insists that he's being totally straight with her and tells her he'll call her later, when she's less enraged - but she screams that she never wants to hear from him again and barks at him to get out. Once he's gone, she stares worriedly into space and tears up as she processes her current health scare. 

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Jo races over to Shooters to tell Jake that her baby was just abducted by the nanny, and that she really really wants to call the police - but can't 'cause of her involvement in the ill-thought-out Pretend the Baby Was Stillborn conspiracy so she wouldn't be forced to surrender him to the Carters. Jake chews on this latest development for a few seconds, then points out that it seems as though the nanny went out of her way to kidnap the baby in front of her, and Jo's like, "OMG!" and realizes that Emily didn't want just any baby...she wanted her baby. 

Jo makes a beeline over to the hospital to bark at Kimberly, "I know you have him, you crazy bitch" and hisses that she'll die before she allows her to steal her son again. Kimberly just chuckles breezily, then pulls Jo aside to privately express her amusement that her baby was kidnapped on her watch, and smugly reveal that she recently placed a call to the Carters to let them know their grandchild was still alive. She haughtily adds, "Frankly, I felt it was my civic duty", and an enraged Jo responds by giving her a well-deserved punch in the face.

Peter and Caitlin are going at it in the sack before Peter lets out an exhausted sigh and says he needs to get up and head over to the hospital before Michael shows up for his shift. Caitlin informs him that she's nearly finished with her faux study of D&D's inefficiencies, and Peter smiles approvingly and says their next step will be to nullify Amanda's contact so that she (Caitlin) can take over as the company's president...despite her having zero qualifications or the relevant experience necessary to be the top executive at a large Los Angeles advertising agency.

Amanda drops by Sydney's apartment to inform her that she recently met with the Rent Control Board to get official approval to increase the rent on Melrose Place's until-now undervalued apartments. She tells Sydney she's going to have to cough up an additional $200 a month...and when Sydney pales and says she can't afford such a hefty rent hike, Amanda's like, "Sucks to be you" and says she expects to receive the full amount by the end of the week, or get thirty days' notice that she's moving on to cheaper pastures.

Later at D&D, Caitlin shows Amanda some info on the First Security Insurance Company and says that the rates are significantly lower than what D&D is paying now. Amanda looks intrigued by the prospect of saving money for the company and asks what the hitch is, so Caitlin says it's that all employees will be required to take a mandatory drug test. Amanda tells her she looooooves the idea of rooting out any substance abusers, given the large expense of Alison's recent stint at Twin Oaks, and Caitlin promises to make all the arrangements - but insists that Amanda be the one to make the announcement about the mandatory drug test. Amanda assures her she's A-OK with that, given that drug abuse would be grounds for firing anyway...and as she exits the office, Caitlin glares after her before calling Peter and telling  him, "It's your turn now, darling. Go to work."

Jane is at her design studio, imploring a vendor to give her an extension for the payment of her outstanding bills, when Sydney drops by to complain about Amanda's rent increase. When Jane commiserates about her own money problems, Sydney proposes they solve their collective financial issues by moving in together. Jane makes it clear that she's not at all into that idea, then suggests to Sydney she do something normal for once in her life and find a roommate to split costs.

Back at D&D, Amanda informs the staff that they're all about to be subjected to mandatory drug testing so that the company can switch over to a far cheaper insurance carrier. After she adjourns the meeting, Billy pulls Alison aside and dishes about how Peter and Caitlin are hitting the sheets together, and Alison's all, "Wha-a-a?" and advises Billy to stay out of it and not divulge the details to Amanda - just as Terry arrives to escort Alison to their next AA meeting. 

Over at the beach house, Michael tells Kimberly he's planning to ride the coattails of Peter's fraudulent scheme framework so that he too can break the law by getting kickbacks from medical suppliers. He adds that he has a golf date with Peter tomorrow, and is trying to finagle a way to become a partner in his exclusive Beverly Hills practice. Kimberly looks visibly turned on by his deviousness and purrs, "I love it when you exploit your resources, baby", and then the two start going at it. 

After enjoying a cozy dinner in, Peter tells Amanda she has the flu, as is evidenced by her swollen glands, then prescribes a round of antibiotics and says it's imperative she take every last pill...and somehow Amanda doesn't detect any red flags with that, despite it being fairly common knowledge that since the flu is a viral (and not a bacterial) infection, antibiotics are not an effective treatment.

Jake drops by Jo's apartment while she's packing a small suitcase to ready herself to hit the road in her search of the Carters so she can reclaim her [twice-kidnapped] baby. When Jake spots a gun among her things, he grabs it and warns against doing something stupid, to which she wails, "I can't just sit around and do nothing!" Jake suggests she leave the gun at home and instead take him with her, and she says she definitely likes the sound of that idea and gives him a grateful hug.

While golfing, Peter warns Michael that he won't allow himself to be strong-armed into becoming anyone's fraud mentor...and Michael smugly warns that if he refuses, he'll tank his career by tattling to the medical board about his illegal kickbacks. He adds that he expects to assist in all major cardiac surgeries and also be assigned his own major surgeries, then further suggests they start co-authoring articles for publication in medical journals. Peter says that they might be able to work something out, then tells Michael he wants him to take over the administrative duties of a new research project so that it remains active for the long term and available to earn kickbacks from...then winks and says that the mortgage on his new Aspen ski house is killin' him.

Amanda arrives at the hospital to see Peter, and Kimberly tells her he's not around 'cause he took the day off to golf with Michael - but that he left her a prescription for her non-flu. Kimberly then says that since their men have suddenly become good friends, she and Peter should come to the beach house so they can all enjoy a double date dinner.

Amanda makes a beeline over to Matt's office to ask him to look into Peter's research project and determine if it's a legitimately funded venture...then backtracks to explain that she originally tapped Michael to do it, but doesn't trust his findings. Matt agrees that, yep, Michael is indeed as corrupt as they come, but then wonders aloud to Amanda why in blazes he should do her any favours...so she promises that in exchange for his services, she won't raise his Melrose Place rent.

Jake and Jo take a break from road tripping and stop in at a diner...and Jake scarfs down his meal and urges Jo to do the same - but she tells him she's not hungry. A few seconds later, he gets up to pay the bill, and when Jo glances across the diner, she spots Emily walking off with her baby. Jo gets up and races after her - but quickly realizes that the woman merely resembles Emily...and Jake sees what's happening and rushes over to give Jo a comforting canoodle and assure her that they'll find her tot soon.

Sydney is in an L.A. diner, posting a roommate wanted ad on the bulletin board before chatting it up with the friendly waitress (Rikki). When Rikki sees the ad, she asks what the apartment is like...and when Sydney tells her it's an affordable paradise on earth, Rikki says she just happens to be looking for a new home and would looooove to come by tomorrow and take a look.

Jo and Jake arrive at the Carter residence, but quickly realize that no one is home. As Jake tries to open one of the windows, a suspicious neighbor ambles over and demands to know whassup...then overshares that Ma and Pa Carter are vacationing at their lake cabin. He then orders them to get lost before he calls the police, and Jake hastily assures him they're leaving as he and Jo climb back into the car and hit the road. 
​
Billy complains to Matt about how he hardly ever sees Alison anymore, so Matt explains that Alison is likely consumed with the alcoholic recovery process and is making not falling off the wagon her top priority. He urges Billy to be less whiny and more supportive, and suggests he attend one of Alison's AA meetings so he can learn more about how overcoming addiction works. Billy takes Matt's advice to heart and heads over to the AA meeting - just as Alison is sharing to the group about how super supportive and awesome her new squeeze Terry has been during her recovery. Billy reacts by looking visibly irked at getting no recognition for his efforts to help her get/stay on the wagon and contorts his face in miffed irritation.

That night at a roadside motel, Jo tells Jake she worries that this road trip/search for her son will be a fruitless endeavor - but Jake promises that they'll find him very soon, then leans in for a kiss...and soon the two are amorously going at it.

While checking out of the motel the next morning, Jake learns from the desk clerk that Clear Lake is a popular vacation spot for people who live around these parts. Jake mulls that over and asks to see the local phone book, and grins when he discovers a listing for Dennis Carter. He then rushes back to the motel room, wakes Jo, and gleefully informs her, "We're going fishing."

While lounging in bed one morning, Alison tells Terry she feels alienated from everyone in her past life, and Terry interprets this to mean that her former friends have changed their attitude about her now that she's serious about her sobriety, and decrees that if they don't "roll with it" they become dead weight. He suggests the two of them get out of town for awhile and invites her to accompany him to Miami to watch one of his football games...and Alison excitedly agrees to fly out after work and meet him at his hotel. 

Rikki drops by Melrose Place to check out Sydney's apartment, and Sydney tells her that her share would be $400, and that the building is clean, quiet, and centrally located. She warns that the tenants can be nosey and that the landlord is "a real witch" - but a unfazed Rikki says she has no problems dealing with difficult people. She asks if there are any cute guys on the premises, and Sydney tells her there are a couple [among some otherwise pretty slim pickins'] ... and Rikki beams, says she likes the apartment a lot, and remarks in her weird, automaton-type way, "I feel like I'm home already."

Matt drops by D&D to inform Amanda that Peter's grant project has been defunct for years, and that he has evidence Michael has just been installed as the contact person for a fraudulent new grant project. 

Amanda promptly storms over to the hospital to chide Michael for being "a selfish little worm" for lying to her about the legitimacy of Peter's grant project, and looking to get kickbacks of his own. She also warns that he's a fool for believing he can pull off something so brazenly fraudulent, not least 'cause he's an amateur when it comes to dealing with a seasoned bad guy like Peter. Michael assures her he can take of himself, then studies her flushed face for a few seconds before remarking on how unwell she looks, and condescendingly urges her to get some much needed rest. 

While en route to Clear Lake, Jake tells Jo he has no regrets about their romp last night, and that he once again feels close to her. Jo says that she too loved the sexing - but that the rescue and general welfare of her son remains her top priority.

A representative from First Security Insurance questions Amanda about her drug use, and she says the only thing she's currently taking is a round of antibiotics for her non-flu, and insists that she's not into any kind of recreational drugs. She tells him she wishes that his tests could detect alcohol abuse, then complains that D&D was stuck paying a huge rehab bill for a troubled alcoholic who recently sought out treatment. The rep tells her that in most companies, 2-5% of drug tests come back "not clean", and Amanda perks up at that and says she can't wait to see which employees are closet drug abusers. 

Jo and Jake are staking out the Carters' lake cabin when they spot a car pull up. They  covertly watch as the Carters exit the car with bags of groceries - but see no sign of Jo's baby. Jake wonders aloud if maybe the Carters didn't arrange for Emily to kidnap the tot - but Jo insists they did, and that she can feeeeeel it. 

Amanda is swallowing another round of "antibiotics" when Peter calls to say hey and once again ensure that she takes every last pill he prescribed. He tells her he's lounging in bed thinking about her...and when he hangs up, we see that Caitlin is laying beside him, and a few seconds later the two start going at it. 
​
Rikki is moving her stuff into Sydney's apartment, with the help of three friends. Rikki introduces them (Trish, Anna, and Becky) to Sydney and tells her that not only does she have a new roommate, she has a whole new set of friends. She then spots Billy ambling around the courtyard and asks Sydney if she's ever had the pleasure of being boned by him, and Sydney makes a blech face at that prospect and says she's never once contemplated it, and Rikki gaily takes her by the hand and predicts that the two of them are going to get into a whole lotta fun trouble. 

Amanda arrives at her D&D office and is startled to see the First Security Insurance rep, Caitlin, and Peter waiting for her. The rep informs Amanda that her drug test was positive for THC, aka an active ingredient in marijuana...and as she stares back at him in stunned incredulity, Peter stonily reminds Amanda that her D&D contract includes a sternly worded "no drug use" clause, and that he has no choice but to terminate the contract. Amanda calls this allegation ridiculous as it dawns on her that this has all been a set up. She calls out Peter for prescribing pills with THC and calls his plot "a twisted game", and Caitlin declares her fired and orders her to turn in her pass card and keys. Peter robotically tells Amanda it's hard to lose her, but that there's not much he can do after she turned to drugs as a crutch. Amanda hotly insists that this game is not over, and seethes, "I'm going to hand you your jewels on a silver platter."

Alison arrives at Terry's Miami hotel room, and he gushes about how delighted he is that she's here and gives her a welcome kiss and canoodle.

Back at the Carter Cabin Stakeout, Jo and Jake witness a car pull up...and out comes Emily Baldwin carrying Jo's baby. The Carters open the front door and greet Emily...and Jake has to physically restrain Jo from leaping out of the car to reclaim her child. He points out that in order to resolve the custody issue in an above board manner, they're going to need to rat out the Carters by calling the police. To that end, he's going to run down the road to the nearest pay phone and make the call...and he sternly orders her to stay inside the car while he's gone.

Jo notices Pa Carter exit the cabin with a rifle and decides 'why not ignore Jake's sage advice about staying put 'til he comes back in a few minutes?' and quietly climbs out of the car and hides behind some nearby foliage. Ma Carter steps out onto porch, looks around as if she senses that someone is lurking nearby and yells, "Who's out there?!" Jo emerges from the foliage and marches towards her while bellowing, "You have my baby!" - just as Pa Carter appears behind her and cocks his rifle. Jo stares at him nervously - but then turns back around and sprints towards the cabin...and Pa Carter opens fire on her while Jake, who has since returned from the phone booth, yells "Noooooo!!" as the camera pans to Jo running in slo-mo before she's shot in the back and crashes to the ground. 

After the commercial break, a team of first responders are clustered around the crime scene. The paramedics wheel Jo away on a stretcher, while the sheriff arrests Pa Carter for attempted murder. Jake glares disdainfully at Ma Carter and snarlingly warns, "You'd better hope that Jo recovers."

Back at Melrose Place, Amanda tells Billy that she lost her job after being set up by Peter...then suddenly recalls that one of the pills he prescribed to her fell behind her dresser. Billy says that he too has some interesting dish and tells her that at the end of the previous episode he witnessed Peter and Caitlin going at it at her house. Amanda's all, "Sonofabitch!" and says it all makes sense now: Peter wanted her to violate her contract so he could oust her from the company and install his former lover. She then asks Billy to help her move the heavy dresser so she can slip behind it...and a few seconds later she triumphantly holds up the missing pill.

Rikki tells Sydney about her awe-inspiring friend Martin, a charismatic motivational speaker/guru who leads overpriced personal fulfillment seminars...and Sydney refrains from pointing out that he sounds like a common hustler and/or possible cult leader. 

In a hospital near Clear Lake, Jake assures Jo that she's going to be A-OK, then apologizes for leaving her alone during their cabin stakeout. He assures her that the baby is fine and under the care of a social worker...and that there's going to be a custody hearing in Los Angeles in a few days. When Jo wails, "I can't dooooo that again!", Jake says he's somehow sure that everything is going to work out well in the end, 'cause no judge in his right mind would ever award custody of a baby to a rifle-toting wackadoodle like Pa Carter. 

In Miami, Terry is in a very pissy mood after his team lost the football game. He snarlingly tells Alison he really really needs a drink from the hotel room's mini-bar, and she implores him to not throw away six weeks of sobriety for a lousy football game. He screams, "It's the playoffs!" (LOL) and chides her for not understanding the monumental importance of possibly not making it to the Super Bowl. Alison pleads with him to deal with his bad mood in a way that doesn't include alcohol, e.g. indulge in a romp, or go for a walk. Terry manages to calm himself down enough to take her advice, then bitchily orders her to get the booze out of the mini-bar asap...and says this as though it was somehow Alison's failing that the mini-bar in his hotel room was stocked wth booze.  

Matt shows Amanda the results of his investigation and remarks that something is rotten in the state of the various research projects with which Peter has associated himself. He adds that the most incriminating documents are likely being stored on Peter's computer. 

Jo wakes up in her hospital bed to the sight of Ma Carter - ack! - looming over her with a menacing expression. She angrily insists to Jo that she hasn't won this fight, and that she and her trigger-happy husband will keep her tied up in court for years over the custody of a baby that is all they have left of their murdered son...and says this as though Reed didn't turn out to be a demented drug dealer who attempted to murder Jo. Jo bellows at her to get out of her room, and Ma Carter pronounces that she'd rather let God take her grandson than allow her (Jo) to be his mother. Yeesh.

Matt informs Amanda that the results are in: the pill she found behind the dresser is laced with THC...and, yes, it can be traced back to Peter after some extra fancy testing that's going to take around two weeks. When Amanda says she needs that proof now, Matt suggests she bluff to Peter that she's currently in possession of the proof. He then vows to keep digging into Peter's fraudulent activities, and Amanda grins and says she rather likes this devious side to his otherwise bland personality.

Alison arrives at D&D and notices that a group of her colleagues are milling around tearfully...and when she asks Billy whaddup with the general vibe of sadness, he tells her that Caitlin just fired a bunch of people. Alison grimaces and says she fully expects to be canned next - but Billy assures her it won't happen 'cause he asked Caitlin at dinner the other night to keep her on the payroll. A few seconds later, Alison receives a phone call from Terry, and Billy makes it clear how irked he is that she's spending D&D work time cooing at her quarterback boyfriend.

Back at the hospital, Amanda confronts Peter about the THC drugs he's been slipping her without her knowledge or consent...and further explains that she knows for a fact it's THC 'cause she had one of the capsules analyzed. She reminds him that the annual D&D board is convening in a couple of days...and demands that he make an appearance in order to publicly apologize to her, then toss Caitlin out of the company in favor of her being reinstalled as company president. Peter chuckles and breezily tells her she has no proof that he did anything wrong, and that he highly doubts anyone on the board is going to take seriously the ravings of a disgruntled pot head. As he excuses himself and saunters off down the hall, Amanda mockingly tells him he's been too good of a teacher...and bluffs that she has solid proof that can tie him to the prescription of the THC pills, along with all of the kickbacks he's been receiving. Peter pauses and stares worriedly into space for several seconds, then continues walking while Amanda stares after him with an expression of smug satisfaction. 

Peter tells Michael they have problems, namely that Amanda knows enough about their fake research projects to put an end to their illegal kickbacks. He adds that Amanda now knows her prescription pills were laced with THC, and that the only THC pills in this hospital are tied to the fake grant project he (Michael) is heading up. As Michael grumblingly complains about "how convenient" that is, Peter suggests they set up a midnight meeting with Amanda to pay her off as a means of shutting her up, and Michael detects no red flags with that plan and agrees to make the call.

Jo is back at home in the company of Jane and Jake as she begins to recuperate from her gunshot injury. When Jake ambles off to see if there's any news about Baby Austin, Jo laments being the world's worst mother and wails about how her life is soooo outa control - but Jane wankingly points out that she risked her life to save Austin, which actually makes her a great mother. Jo decrees that she only wants to do what's right for her child, and that she'll have the chance to express this fervent wish during tomorrow's court hearing. 

Sydney is chatting with Rikki when she runs into Jake in the Melrose Place courtyard. She asks him if he's OK and says she heard the tale about the Carters and bullets flying everywhere - but he just grunts that he can't talk about it right now and rushes off to his apartment. Rikki remarks on what a smoke-show Jake is and what a shame it is that he dumped her...then urges Sydney to come along to the next cult gathering so she can meet Martin, aka the man who showed her the pathway to making all of her dreams come true.

While dining at a fancy restaurant, Terry laments nearly falling off the wagon in Miami and apologizes to Alison for acting like such a crazed lunatic. He further acknowledges that he's going to need to find a better way to cope with losing football games and, to that end, is seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in counselling self-absorbed football players. Alison gushes about how proud she is of him, and he responds by presenting her with a large diamond ring. When she stares at it in stunned silence, he hastily says that if she isn't ready to tie the knot with someone she just met a few weeks ago (!), she should think of the bauble as a friendship ring and a token of how much she means to him. 

Michael calls Amanda and fibs that he just learned that Peter is out to destroy the both of them. He says he has irrefutable proof of his illegal activities, and that this proof can be found in Peter's office. Amanda perks up at that and agrees to meet up with him at the hospital at midnight.  

During a meeting at D&D, Billy notices Alison's large diamond ring and grumbles about how she's clearly substituting one addiction for another. Alison says she'd love it if could be happy for her, but he just shakes his head disdainfully and calls her "a classic co-dependent."

During the custody court hearing, the Carters argue that Jo doesn't deserve to be a mother...and then the lawyers argue back and forth about who is better suited to raise Baby Austin. Pa Carter snarlingly reminds everyone that Jo trespassed on his cabin property, to which Jo's lawyer points out she only did that 'cause he hired a fake nanny to kidnap her baby...and then Ma Carter wails about how Jo started this whole thing by leading them to believe he had been stillborn. A fed up Jo stands up and self-righteously bellows, "Just stop this madness!" and says she's at the point where she's willing to trust the judge to decree that Baby Austin be raised by neither she nor the Carters, and instead be placed with a loving adoptive family so that he no longer has to endure this "unholy war". She glares at Ma Carter and sanctimoniously says, "That's how much I love him. How much do you love him?" Ma Carter declares that she and her husband are taking their grandson home, but the judge is all, "The fuck you are", orders her to sit her ass back down, and chides her and her husband for being morally bankrupt. He says that since Pa Carter injured Jo when he shot her, the custody agreement that had been in place is hereby nullified...then turns to Jo and says he's definitely in favor of exploring a living arrangement that doesn't involve anyone in this courtroom. 

Sydney arrives at her first cult meeting, and Rikki happily greets her before Martin saunters over to say hey and introduce himself as Mr. Charisma. As Sydney stares at him in mesmerized fascination [despite him seeming less than mesmerizing], he urges her to sit in the front row...then begins his sermon to the cultists on how to not be treated like crap.

Over at the hospital, Amanda and Michael have broken into Peter's office and are about to search his computer when Peter bursts in and warns, "Stop where you are!" Amanda defiantly warns Peter that she's going to beat him at his own game - just as he pulls out a needle, then grabs Amanda and jabs her with it. As a horrified Michael's all WTF?, Peter eggs him on to diagnose Amanda's sudden abdominal pain as acute appendicitis as she begins screaming in pain and weakly collapsing. When a troubled looking Michael threatens to call the police, Peter derisively tells him not to be stupid, and that if he sticks with the program, the two of them will soon be co-running the hospital. He then motions at Amanda and points out, "You've lost patients before. One more's not going to make a difference." The two then begin wheeling her to the OR.

While looming over an unconscious Amanda on the operating table, Peter orders Michael to make the first incision...and when Michael hesitates, Peter says he's going to need to perform this ill-fated operation if he has any hope of joining his Beverly Hills practice [in addition to co-running the hospital, I assume]. Michael suddenly decides he doesn't give a rat's ass about that anymore and declares to the bewildered OR staff, "There's nothing wrong with this patient!" and yells that Peter is intent on killing her. Peter counters that Michael is the one who's unstable and declares that he'll make the first incision - but before he's able to cut into Amanda's abdomen, Michael lunges at him and tackles him to the ground.

Alison arrives at Terry's place carrying a bag of groceries...and when he doesn't respond to her 'hello, is anyone home?', she wanders over to the bedroom and finds a naked woman astride him in his bed. When Terry sees her standing in the doorway, staring at the two of them in shocked revulsion, he scrambles out of the bed and tries to breezily pass off the sexing she just witnessed as a meaningless encounter with "some no name bimbo who hit on me", then self-piteously adds that hitting the sheets with strangers remains part of his addiction issues. Alison shoots him a disgusted stink-eye, chides him for not taking responsibility for his brazen whoring, and gives him his "friendship ring" back.

Amanda wakes up in her hospital bed, determines that she's well enough to get up and check herself out, and finds her clothes in the closet. A few seconds later, Michael enters the room and asks her where she thinks she's going, and she tells him she needs to get to the D&D board meeting asap so that she can save her job. Michael informs her that he told the police everything and that Peter is likely going to prison for a very long time...then says she should thank him for saving her life 'cause he was a hero in the OR. Amanda just rolls her eyes and replies, "If you say so."

While cleaning tables at Shooters, Sydney tells Rikki she really dug Martin after listening to his bullcack the other night. Rikki says there's still time to sign up for Martin's get-rich-quick seminar, and Sydney agrees that it'd prolly be educational [highly doubtful], but that she doesn't have the $1200 to pay the exorbitant registration fee. Rikki claims she knows people who have earned 50K in the first six months following the seminar [highly doubtful] and offers to talk to Martin about giving her a break on the price. She solemnly adds, "We're here to help because we care."

Amanda and Michael crash the D&D board meeting, much to the surprise and annoyance of Caitlin. Amanda tells the board about how Peter drugged her with THC pills, an allegation that Michael fully corroborates. Amanda goes on to describe Peter's attack on her last night, and that as a result he'll likely be in prison for years. As Caitlin gasps in shock, Michael dishes to the board about how she was Peter's secretary/secret lover in Minneapolis, and somehow now fancies herself executive material. Caitlin denies her intimate ties to Peter, insists that Amanda is a disgruntled drug fiend, and that she could run D&D far better. Amanda chuckles about what a crock of shit that is, and says she has a proven track record of being one of the best account executives in the business. Caitlin snarlingly counters that she's a self-centred, backstabbing twisted tramp, but Amanda says the only thing she's guilty of is trusting Peter to be what he pretended to be. A fed up Caitlin bitchily rails to no one in particular about how sick and tired she is of people usurping her power, then cries, "I'm not having it! I will not have it!" and pounds her fists on the table. As the board members look visibly troubled by the unbecoming outburst, Amanda reminds them that they have the power to vote for who they want to run D&D. The Board Chair finally speaks up and says that since Peter has shown such an appalling lack of judgement in every conceivable way, he doesn't think a vote is going to be necessary. He turns to Caitlin and coldly says, "I think you need a vacation. Somewhere else" and says she has five minutes to pack up her stuff. An incensed Caitlin vows, "You'll all be sorry you ever messed with me", to which Amanda haughtily retorts, "I'm already sorry I ever met you." 

Alison encounters Terry while she's heading back to D&D and firmly tells him she has nothing left to say to him. He insists that he's willing to put in the time it's going to take to win back her trust and get his act together, but she firmly tells him it's too late, and that she's finally seen him for the irredeemable jerkwad he truly is...as well as a self-absorbed muscle-head who's intent on falling off the wagon and bedding as many groupies as possible. Terry angrily reminds her that he's a famous football star and that she's the loser in the equation, but she just shakes her head and calls him pathetic.

Back at the courthouse, Jo has agreed to allow her baby to be adopted, and is given permission to spend a few minutes cuddling with the tot as part of a very loooooong, drawn-out goodbye. She tearfully vows to think about him every day, begs him not to hate her, and promises that he'll have a wonderful life with people who can give him all the things she's unable, unwilling, and incapable of providing. Baby Austin responds by letting out a long sigh of relief that this tedious custody storyline has finally reached its conclusion. Sorry, no - that was me.

Recap: Jo is in the process of (unsuccessfully) interviewing for a nanny when Jake drops by her apartment. She grumbles that so far none of the applicants has been up to her lofty standards...and when Jake offers to watch the baby, she chuckles before hastily pointing out that she needs someone who's available full time. A few seconds later, they hear a woman's voice in the courtyard calling for Jo...and when they step outside to stare down at the courtyard, they're startled by the sight of a young woman wearing a Mary Poppins-esque black coat and clutching a matching umbrella. She introduces herself as Emily Baldwin, says she heard about the opening for a baby nanny, and makes her way upstairs. 

Emily gives Jo an oral history of her nannying experience...and when Jo's baby wakes up and starts crying, she walks over, picks him up, and gives him a reassuring cuddle. Jo looks impressed by how quickly the tot stops crying, then idiotically decides that since Emily's references sound sooooo great she's going to hire this complete stranger on the spot. She tells Emily that she's having some unspecified "family problems" at the moment, which means it's imperative that she and her baby stay well below the radar. Emily assures her she's A-OK with that, then offers to make her some breakfast. 

Amanda arrives at D&D and is irked when she sees a woman sitting at her desk, using her phone and computer. When Amanda barks at her to get the hell out before she calls security, the woman explains that she's an efficiency expert who was just hired by Peter, then hands her the phone and tells her she can take it up with him directly. Peter confirms that, yep, he did in fact hire Caitlin Mills to run roughshod over D&D and root out any employees who might be cheating the company and/or slacking off. Amanda looks visibly annoyed by not getting a heads up about this as while Caitlin just stares back at her in smug amusement. 

Over at Twin Oaks, Alison and Terry are all packed up and ready to return to their normal lives. The two say goodbye to each other, agree that they couldn't have survived rehab without one another's support, then lean to engage in an amorous smoochfest. When the two exit the rehab center, they find Billy waiting out front. Alison introduces him to Terry...and after Terry saunters off to climb into a waiting cab, Billy tells Alison he recognizes the dude as a famous quarterback. 

Amanda storms over to the hospital to give Peter the what for for hiring an efficiency expert without consulting her, so he explains that he did it 1) to protect his investment, and 2) to make her life easier. He then pivots to tonight's dinner and creepily instructs her to wear her skimpy black dress so that he can show her off as the delectable eye candy he thinks of her as - just as Michael bursts into the office to complain about being banned from the OR for two surgeries. He whines that it sends the message to his colleagues that he's a screwup, and Peter's like, "You are a screwup" and snappishly orders him to get the hell out of his office. After Michael dutifully storms out, Peter shakes his head at Amanda and laments letting her talk him into rehiring that dipshit...and when she wryly reminds him, "Back then you couldn't say no to me" , he pompously retorts, "I can now." Ouch.

The Melrose Place clan throws a Welcome home, Alison! party in the courtyard to coincide with her return from Twin Oaks. They pour glasses of sparkling cider and toast to her general wellbeing - just as Sydney puts in an unexpected appearance and jokingly remarks on how she won't expect to see Alison at Shooters anymore, har har. After that joke lands like a lead balloon, Alison thanks everyone for the lovely party, then says she's tired and just wants to turn in...but once she's inside her apartment, she stares wistfully out the window as the clan tosses aside the sparkling cider in favor of beer.
​
At a restaurant across town, Amanda sassily asks Dr. Roth (a doctor at Dunne Caldwell and Peter's benefactor) about the general usefulness of an efficiency expert, and as Peter chides her for snidely bringing that up, Dr. Roth tells her that he's been an efficiency expert at Dunne Caldwell for the past eighteen years. He then references some research project that Peter is currently [pretending to be] involved with...just before Amanda notices him covertly slip Peter an envelop as he smarmily compliments his taste in women.

Emily watches Jo as she sings to her baby and gushes about how she's a natural mother...and Jo's like, "Right?" and says there's nothing she wouldn't do for her child. Emily offers to make her a cup of hot cocoa, then makes a beeline over to the phone, makes a call, and tells whoever's on the other end, "I'm in."

While lounging in bed the next morning, Peter tells Amanda she was amaaaaazing in the sack last night. He reiterates that Caitlin's presence at D&D is truly to make her life easier and that she was intended as "a gift" - but Amanda points out that Caitlin's superfluous efficiency-ing just diminishes her power. Peter breezily urges patience 'cause it's only a temporary situation...and after he gets up and ambles off to the bathroom, Amanda rifles through his pockets in search for the envelop he received from Dr. Roth the night before. She quickly finds it, sees that it contains a 25K check from Dunne Caldwell, then slips it back into his pocket and climbs back into bed. When Peter emerges from the bathroom, Amanda asks him about the research project that Dr. Roth had mentioned last night, so Peter tells her it's focused around a heart drug (Cardipril), which is designed to improve circulation. He explains that he sends $10 million worth of hospital supply contacts to Dunne Caldwell, and in exchange he gets some much-deserved kickbacks...and it remains unclear why he's telling Amanda about his illicit moneymaking scheme on the eve of dumping her.

While photographing the baby, Jo breaks the news to Jake that she's moving back to New York 'cause it's a good place to be anonymous, adding that she's thinking of naming the tot Austin. When Emily arrives at the apartment, she gets wildly wigged out and flails about in a panic when Jo tries to snap her picture...and instead of seeing that as a worrisome red flag, Jo agrees to hand over the camera so that Emily can take a group shot of her, Jake, and the baby.  

Alison arrives at D&D and checks in with Amanda, who snarlingly chides her for not coming in extra early on her first day back after rehab. She warns that the company has become a war zone 'cause of the new efficiency expert...and when Alison says she's totally ready to dive back into her job, Amanda's like, "Good 'cause I have zero desire for any handholding" and hands her a tall stack of folders. She says she wants them to reconvene at 7pm to discuss her progress...then rolls her eyes when Alison asks if she can change the time to 6pm, 'cause she has an AA meeting at 7pm she doesn't want to miss. 

Alison runs into Billy, who invites her to have dinner with him after her AA meeting. He suggests they order in, and she agrees that that's a totes awesome idea.

Caitlin enters Amanda's office without knocking...and after she gets snarled at by Amanda, she says she merely stopped by to commend her for her terrific staff [that she's about to mass fire], and that she was somehow particularly impressed with Billy. Amanda growls about how Alison needs to be fired asap - an odd change of heart from her contriteness towards Alison just one episode ago - 'cause she's an alcoholic, and everyone at D&D has waaaay too much work to do without having to worry about an account executive falling of the wagon. Caitlin shoots her the stink-eye as she reveals, "I'm an alcoholic. Seven years sober" ... and Amanda hastily pulls her foot out of her mouth and apologizes, then nonsensically insists that the Alison-Alcoholic Situation is somehow very different.

​After the AA meeting, Alison meets up with Terry, who invites her to his place for a movie and some takeout, and she says she'd looooove to do that [despite having made dinner plans with Billy].

Amanda asks Michael if he knows the status of a research project Peter is heading up, and gives him all the deets about the heart drug, along with his current association with Dunne Caldwell. When Michael asks her why she wants to know 'bout that, she declines to elaborate and just reminds him that he owes her big for convincing Peter to give him his job back. 

Alison calls Billy to cancel their dinner 'cause she's suddenly pretending she has too much work to do...and as soon as she hangs up, Terry brings over popcorn, sodas, and asks her what kind of movie she wants to watch. As Alison mulls that over, Terry leans in and initiates an amorous smoochfest.  

The next morning, Amanda runs into Billy in the Melrose Place courtyard and grumbles about how Caitlin Mills is making her life at D&D hell - but that she seems to have taken a liking to him. She instructs Billy to invite Caitlin to dinner and charm her into revealing what she's really doing at D&D...and when Billy looks aghast at that prospect and points out that that's above and beyond his job description, Amanda says that if he wants to be considered a team player, he's going to have to do work-related stuff like this on his own time. 

While basking in some post-coital afterglow the next morning, Terry coos at Alison that he has real feelings towards her - but that at the moment he has to get up and go to football practice. He suggests they hook up later and invites her to a TV station tonight to watch him give a scheduled interview, and she promises to be there. 

Michael sneaks into the hospital's medical research records room and finds the file on Peter's heart drug project. When he learns that the project's funding was discontinued two years ago, he murmurs, "You sneaky little bastard", then calls the accounting department at Dunne Caldwell to inquire about Peter's latest grant payment for the Cardipril research study. The person on the other end confirms that Peter received a check earlier this week, and Michael grins and triumphantly snarls, "Gotcha!"

At D&D, Billy asks Alison how her evening went, and she breezily tells him she finished her work and fell asleep without bothering to make dinner. Billy asks her if she wants to have lunch with him today, but she just kinda shrugs and suggests they play it by ear. 

Over at the hospital, Michael confronts Peter about his discontinued research project that is somehow generating revenue from Dunne Caldwell. Peter plays dumb and weakly chides Michael for strong-arming him - but Michael responds by threatening to tattle about his illegal kickbacks to the board, then announces that he's re-assigning himself to the surgeries he was earlier banned from performing.

After Terry's live TV interview, he's surrounded by a gaggle of cute groupies who try to slip him their phone numbers. Eventually he finds a bewildered Alison looking on, and happily tells her he made a dinner reservation for the two of them. 

While having dinner across town, Caitlin tells Billy she knows full well that Amanda put him up to this, then comes out right and announces that she's planning to fire everyone on his team at D&D - but will keep him on 'cause he's young, smart, and writes good copy...'cause, yeah, that seems like a totally reasonable judgement call. She then tells him she wants confidential performance reports on every employee by tomorrow at midday, and makes it clear that she considers the task a loyalty test...and when she asks him if there's anyone's job he'd like to save, he just guzzles his wine before staring back at her mutely.  

Jo tells Emily she's letting her go 'cause she has to leave town pronto, and Emily sadly wishes her and the baby all the best, then offers to drive the two of them to the airport. Jo takes her up on the offer and gives her a thank you hug...and Emily then wanders into the other room, picks up the baby, and promises, "Your new mummy is going to give you a real name."

Alison drops by Jane's design studio to gush about Terry and how much he helped her through the rehab process, and calls their budding romance "so honest, no pressure, no expectations". Jane urges her to be careful, not least 'cause Terry is a celebrity - but then acknowledges that she's the last person who should be dispensing dating advice, which...um, d'yuh. 

In the hospital's staff lounge, Michael boasts to Kimberly that he aspires to become Peter's chief surgical assistant, then will become partner at the hospital [? I didn't know hospitals had partners] and earn all the money they could ever need. When Kimberly wryly points out that Peter hates him with the intensity of a thousand suns, Michael explains that he recently acquired dirt on Peter that will help propel his career. Kimberly looks momentarily intrigued by that as she heads out...and once she's safely out of earshot, Michael calls Amanda at D&D and fibs that Peter's research project looks to be legit, and that Peter will eventually become a famous doctor if he continues doing important research projects. Amanda reacts by staring, befuddled, into space.

Over at D&D, Billy reminds Amanda that Caitlin requested every employee's performance reports...and says this as Amanda is busily shredding the reviews that contain negative comments about her less-than-stellar leadership. 

Peter is over at Caitlin's place, stripped to the waist as he toasts her delightful vindictiveness. Caitlin chucklingly applauds him for telling everyone at D&D that she's an efficiency expert, and Peter wanks her about what a great snoop she is, then declares that he ended [though, more accurately, plans to end] his relationship with Amanda, now that she (Caitlin) is back in his life. After an amorous smoochfest, Peter tells Caitlin that his short-range plan includes: Amanda being fired from D&D, Michael being fired from the hospital. He then coos at Caitlin about how much he looooooves her being in L.A., and the two start going at it again.

​Billy arrives at Caitlin's house to deliver the staff performance reports...but when no one answers the door, he peeks through the living room window and is shocked by the spectacle of Caitlin and Peter dry humping on the couch.

Jo is putting her bags in the trunk of her car when Emily emerges from the apartment, with the baby in his stroller. Jo transfers her son into the car seat and buckles him in - just as Emily gets into the driver's seat, tells the tot, "Say goodbye to mommy" and hits the gas. A horrified Jo is all, "Nooooooo!!" as she runs after the car in a vain attempt to save her child from being brazenly kidnapped.

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Matt tracks Michael down in a hospital corridor and confronts him about ignoring his many pages, and Michael just kind of rolls his eyes and says he's fully aware that blood tests have confirmed that Jo is the bio mom of the baby he and Kimberly are somehow still pretending is theirs. Matt says he's been digging around the hospital database and knows that the identity of Jo's baby was switched with Linda Cortez's stillborn baby, then points out that eventually he and Kimberly are going to have to face reality and give the baby up. Michael snarkishly warns that if that happens, the tot will no doubt be placed in foster care while Jo faces criminal charges and gets sentenced to prison...and as he huffs off down the hall, Matt stares after him worriedly.

Amanda storms into Peter's office and rails at him for the threats he made during the previous episode, and also for the dickish way he accused her of sleeping her way into her current job. Amanda still looks perturbed and says that, with the help of her attorney, she's planning to file a complaint against him...and he calls that ludicrous and points out that he gave her the D&D job she's always craved. Amanda insists that she doesn't owe him anything...and vows that if he harasses her again, she'll bring forth a lawsuit that'll make his head spin. Peter reacts by looking visibly turned on by her sass and purrs that she's the sexiest, strongest, most determined woman he's ever met...but when he grabs her and forcibly kisses her, she abruptly shuts him down and declares the game over, snarling, "If you cross me again, I'll see you in court." 

Amanda arrives at D&D, sees that the staff is enjoying a Christmas potluck, and orders Billy to break up the festivities 'cause she's feeling particularly Grinchy at the moment. Billy reminds her she's scheduled to drop by Twin Oaks for a planned visit to check in on Alison...and she grumbles about how much she doesn't want to do that, then enters her office and finds Bruce Teller's grieving sister (Donna) waiting for her. Donna pleads with Amanda for any kind of monetary relief she could offer Bruce's (mostly grown) sons, who were left with nothing when Bruce thought it was reasonable to fucking hang himself after losing his D&D job, and therefore have no way of affording their expensive college tuition. Amanda haughtily retorts that since Bruce was known to extract sizeable amounts of D&D's profits from time to time and also took out loans he never repaid, there's nothing she's willing to do for his now penniless sons. Donna chews on that diatribe for a few seconds and replies, "I guess our problems aren't your problems anymore, are they?", then curtly wishes Amanda a Merry Christmas before she dejectedly exits the office. 

Michael brings home a Christmas tree, and Kimberly coos about how utterly delighted she is that they, along with their stolen baby, get to be together to celebrate the holidays. Michael hangs the first ornament, then asks Kimberly if she isn't going overboard with her whole, overly exuberant 'I'm a new mom' schtick and warns about getting too attached to the baby - but Kimberly disagrees and is somehow under the odd delusion that Jo wouldn't want to risk her baby's happiness in order to indulge her own selfishness...and says this as though removing the baby from this madness could ever be considered any kind of risk. 

Amanda drops by Twin Oaks to snarl at Alison about how she shouldn't plan for a long-term career at D&D, then laments her inability to fire her while she's seeking treatment for binge-drinking. As she storms off, Terry, who's been eavesdropping on the conversation, ambles over to Alison and is all, "Holy crap, I thought you were making up all that shit about Amanda", then reminds her that it's time for them to report to kitchen duty.

Matt and Jeffrey deliver donated goods to a community hospital specializing in AIDS hospice care. Jeffrey is visibly unsettled by the sight of the diseased men - but later insists to Matt that he feels no impending doom about his HIV status, 'cause he's fairly confident he's not going to end up wasting away in any AIDS ward.

Jane summons Sydney to her apartment and puts her on the phone with their father, who tearfully pleads with her to come home for the holidays. Sydney mulls it over for a few seconds...then decides 'sure, why the hell not?' 

Amanda, who has gotten the flu, is in bed during a dream-sequence thunderstorm. She's startled when the door swings open and Bruce's ghost saunters in, then asks her why she didn't give his sister any money for his sons. When Amanda (rightly) points out that he should have made provisions for his children by including them in his will, he points out that D&D can well afford to throw some cash their way, then calls out her betrayal in conspiring with Peter to push him out of D&D. Amanda says she's pretty sure this is a nightmare, so Bruce sits next to her and shows her the rope burn on his neck and invites her to feel it so she can face up to what she's done to him - just as she wakes up and looks haunted by the troubling nightmare.

Peter drops by Amanda's apartment to announce that their plane to Lake Tahoe leaves in a hour - but Amanda says she's too sick to go, plus she has zero interest in vacationing anywhere with him. He apologizes for his horrible behavior of late and explains that he felt compelled to act like a possessive monster 'cause he felt her pulling away from him and was afraid of losing her. He then gives her a Christmas present/peace offering in the form of a bulky fur coat...then gives her a from-behind canoodle, urges her to get some rest, and promises to take her to Lake Tahoe when she's feeling better. 

Peter is ambling through the Melrose Place courtyard when he runs into Matt, who ushers him up to Jo's apartment, where she spills the beans on the ill-fated 'Pretend My Baby Was Stillborn' plot. She beseechingly tells Peter that she simply wants Kimberly to give her her baby back. 

Billy stops in at Twin Oaks to visit Alison and bring along a Christmas gift: her own music box to remind her of home. Alison gushes about how much she loooooves it, and that sobriety has prompted her to feel soooooo bad about all the pain her drinking has caused him this season. When she says she has no idea why he stayed in their relationship for so long, he says it's 'cause he loved her so much...and she reciprocates his I love you and leans in for a hug - just as Terry wanders over, looks less then thrilled by the sight of their warm embrace, and moodily wanders off. 

Amanda falls asleep and once again dreams about Bruce's ghost, who grumbles about the fur coat Peter gave her earlier - but then instructs her to put the thing on while they take a little trip. They enter a living room, where a young girl is sitting beside a Christmas tree, clutching her doll. Amanda is startled to realize that the child is her...and a few seconds later, she and Bruce watch as Palmer Woodward enters the house with his skanklet du jour and tells her he's off on a trip. Young Amanda whines that she wants to spend the holidays with him - but he breezily tells her that in exchange for his shitty parenting, he bought her lots of presents to enjoy...and urges her to be a good girl for the nanny. Amanda coos at her young self not to cry, then leans down to hug her(self) before she abruptly wakes up from the dream and throws the covers over her head.

Peter summons Michael to his office to sternly inform him that he just got an earful from Jo about Kimberly's malevolent plot to steal her baby. When Michael feebly offers to somehow explain this nuttery, Peter sternly tells him to shut it, warns that his/Kimberly's actions could jeopardize the hospital, then orders, "If that baby isn't yours, give him back. Now."

Back at the beach house, Kimberly grumbles to Michael about being suddenly paged to work a double shift at the hospital, and Michael cuddles the baby and points out that since their pretend son is just an infant, he won't actually notice whether or not she's there on Christmas Eve. She coos goodbye to the baby, kisses Michael, and reluctantly heads off to work.

Matt opens the Christmas gifts Jeffrey gave him (a wok and bread maker), along with a third, much more extravagant gift: a seven-day first-class cruise to the Bahamas. Matt looks aghast at how expensive the tickets must have been, and remarks on how it seems as though he's running away from his problems. Jeffrey argues that he deserves a break after blindly following orders in the Navy for so many years, and doesn't feel any regret about blowing his entire savings on a cruise...not least 'cause he's a walking fatality and really just wants to live for the moment. He snarks, "If you don't get that, we don't belong together." Yawn.

Bruce's ghost visits Amanda a third time, tells her, "Tonight is special", and escorts her to a cemetery. When Amanda admires the beautiful casket that's about to be lowered into its grave, he informs her that this is her funeral...and explains that there are no flowers or mourners 'cause 1) Peter (her husband) is off somewhere with his mistress, and 2) no one else who knows her liked her enough to want to pay their respects. Amanda sadly murmurs, "Someone must love me", and Bruce says the good news is that she still has time to turn things around, e.g. not be so cunty to her D&D underlings and/or people in general...and, more importantly, steel-toe Peter's ass to the curb before he completely destroys her life. 

Amanda wakes up, then gets out of bed to gaze out the window and contemplate maybe becoming a nicer person. Michael, meanwhile, drops by Jo's place to return her stolen baby, sourly saying, "Merry Christmas. You got what you wanted. Stay the hell out of our lives" ... and says this as though Jo was, in any way, ever interested in being in his/Kimberly's life beyond her desperate pleas to get her baby back. She stares down at her gurgling son with overwhelmed incredulity and gives him a happy cuddle.

Amanda drops in on Donna Teller clutching a gift basket, apologizes for her earlier bitchitude, and hands her a check that will more than cover Bruce's sons' tuition costs. She urges Donna to let the boys think that Bruce was the one who made the financial arrangements...and the two warmly wish each other a Merry Christmas.

The next morning, Jo calls Jake to come see her newly recovered baby, then cautions him to keep quiet about it, 'cause she doesn't want anyone to know that she sneakily regained custody of him.

Amanda drops by Twin Oaks to apologize to Alison for her cunty 'tude during her last visit, sheepishly explains that she's been blaming her (Alison) for her own problems, and assures her that her job at D&D is safe. She then wistfully says she wishes there was a rehabilitation program that could help get to the root of her personal demons...and after the two women chew on that revealing tidbit for a few seconds, they warmly wish each other a Merry Christmas.

Jeffrey stops in at the hospital to tell Matt he's taking a pause on their dull-as-fuck relationship 'cause 1) he sucks at commitment, 2) he strongly feels that since he's HIV positive, he has no business even being in a relationship, and 3) he's pretty sure that the Melrose Place writers have completely run out of steam in wanting to invest any more of their time and energy to this lacklustre subplot. Jeffrey then says he has a first-class cruise to enjoy, wishes Matt a nice holiday, and heads out...leaving Matt staring sadly into space for what seems like a really loooong time. 

Kimberly returns to the beach house after working the double shift and asks Michael where the baby is, so he breaks the news that Jo blabbed to Peter about her plot to kidnap the tot...and Peter reacted by getting super pissed off 'cause the hospital could face a ginormous lawsuit, and subsequently threatened to fire them both if the baby wasn't promptly returned to his bio mom. Kimberly reacts by wailing uncontrollably and cries, "How could you doooooo this to me?!", then runs outside and races straight into the ocean (!). For whatever reason, Michael runs after her and drags her back to shore as she angrily flails her arms in protest. 

Back at Twin Oaks, Terry asks Alison if she's re-hooking up with Billy...and when she's like, "Dunno", he points out that that relationship has already failed once. He makes the case that, unlike Billy, he totally gets her pain, and confesses to having fallen in love with her. He grinningly adds that since they're currently standing under a mistletoe they're obligated to start smooching...and he leans in and plants a big kiss on her lips, which she seems totes into.

A despondent looking Kimberly calls Ma Carter to inform her that her grandson wasn't actually stillborn, and that he's alive and well and hiding out in Jo's apartment...and a stunned Ma Carter's all, "Wha-a-a-a-a?!"

Recap: During a meeting with her lawyer, Jo confesses to conspiring to fake her baby's death, adding that she damn well knew at the time it was wrong...but that Kimberly has now stolen the tot from her. The lawyer stares back at her with a mixture of disgust and disbelief, tells her he had been working on an appeal to get her baby back - but now has no choice but to pretend that they never had this conversation. He tells her she needs help that he's no longer willing/able to provide, and urges her to find a good criminal attorney...and maybe a team of psychiatrists to get to the bottom of why she ever thought it'd be a good idea to trust a cuckoo-bananas lunatic like Kimberly.

Michael calls Jane to coo that he can't stop thinking about her after their sexy romp in Vegas, which Jane breezily refers to as meaningless sex. Michael argues that he strongly sensed that they both felt something resembling love for each other, to which she replies, "It was just something to do" and abruptly hangs up the phone. LOL.

Over at D&D, Amanda summons Billy to her office and says she just heard from the Twin Oaks rehab center that Alison voluntarily checked herself in...and that D&D is getting stuck with the bill (as per company policy). Amanda orders him again to fire Alison - but Billy says that that'd be against the law, then admits that he knowingly held off on the firing 'cause he knew how badly Alison needed help that D&D can well afford to pay for. Amanda chucklingly says she loooooves his sneaky side, then playfully grabs him by the chin and warns, "Do it again, and I fry you."

Peter drops by Amanda's office, kisses her hello, and says he's been hearing rumors that some D&D accounts are "shaky" and wondered if she needed help. Amanda snarks back that she's still dealing with the backlash of Bruce's melodramatic self-inflicted mercy killing and doesn't appreciate being second guessed...and Peter applauds her bitchy toughness, assures her he trusts that she can handle the pressure, and reminds her about their dinner plans later. As he heads towards the door, he warns her to watch out for Billy 'cause it's obvious he's totes into her...and Amanda refrains from pointing out that, as incredulous as it is, it's really more the other way around. 

During group therapy at Twin Oaks, Alison recounts how she turned to boozing to deal with her father's past abuse, when Terry (a well-known football player) bursts out laughing and calls her bloviating "self pitying garbage". The mediator, Marcia, urges Terry to show some compassion, but then tells Alison that her 'I cope with my problems by drinking' story is pretty much exactly the same as everyone else's. She assigns Alison to help Terry with kitchen duty...and when the session wraps up and everyone starts dispersing, Alison and Terry shoot hateful glares at one another. 

Sydney drops by Jake's apartment to once again insist that she was genuinely frightened for her life while she was Chris's captive in Vegas, and realizes that the luxury suite, jewelry, and designer clothes was a bad look. She says she truly thought that Chris would hurt her, is grateful he (Jake) showed up to rescue her, and credits him with being the only person she can trust. She needlessly adds that she didn't sleep with Chris while they were in Vegas...and when Jake gives her a strange look and asks her where she did sleep with him, she admits to hitting the sack with the creep after he threatened to beat him (Jake). She beseeches, "I did it for you, Jake!", but Jake just glares at her stonily before mumbling that he's off to Shooters.

In the Twin Oak's kitchen, Alison tells Terry they got off on the wrong foot, and wankingly gushes about what a great athlete he is. Terry chides her for sucking up to him, then grabs her by the arm and snarlingly calls her "a butt kissing little blonde bimbo who's too afraid to admit that she's a drunk". Alison yells back at him to go to hell, and he snarls back that he's been there, and is just now trying to climb his way out. 

Jane receives a bouquet of roses, courtesy of Michael. She tells the delivery boy to forward the pretty flowers (and the accompanying note) to the beach house...then giggles mischievously to herself.

Billy and Susan join Matt and Jeffrey for dinner...and while slicing vegetables, Jeffrey accidentally cuts his finger and reacts by completely freaking out and running out of the apartment. Matt follows him, sits beside him on the stairwell, and assures him that the cut isn't all that deep and that he wants them to share their lives together, HIV or no HIV.

Kimberly is putting the stolen baby down for a nap when - uh oh - the flower delivery boy arrives. She looks delighted by the sight of the roses - until a few seconds after she reads the accompanying note: 

Jane,
You will always be my wife..
My one True Love.
Love, Michael

Kimberly seethes, "Isn't that sweet?" and throws the flowers against the wall, which causes the baby to wake up and start mewling.

​The next morning, Kimberly wakes Michael by throwing the Jane note at him and asks what he has to say for himself, and he nervously laughs it off and nonsensically explains that sending Jane flowers was a means of keeping her off guard. Kimberly snarlingly decrees that if he's not choosing her/their new baby and would prefer he run off with his ex-wife/current mistress, he's going to need to pack up and move out asap. Maria suddenly rushes into the room to report that the baby is having trouble breathing...and Kimberly's all, "Ack!" and races over to the tot, quickly determining that he has a minor infection and can be treated him at home. Michael chooses that moment to declare that he's officially choosing her/their new baby, then ambles over to the refrigerator to get some formula.

Alison calls Casa Billy and leaves a message with Susan that she really really wants Billy to attend a special meeting at Twin Oaks this evening that's featuring all of the supportive people who urged their loved ones to check themselves into rehab. Susan promises to pass that info along - just as Terry throws a sponge at Alison and orders her to get back to work. When Alison calls him a rude pig, he contritely admits that he is a pig, specifically a sexually compulsive pig, who - up until recently - liked to bed hot young women before discarding them so he could pursue scoring with the next hot young woman. He adds that at first he figured it was all just part of being a football star [though really just gross] - but soon realized that he was incapable of emotionally committing himself to any person or thing. Alison chews on that disturbing revelation for a few seconds before urging him to bring it up at the next group therapy session - but he says he definitely doesn't wanna do that...and apologizes for his boorish behavior.

Later, Alison is visibly upset when Billy's a no show for the 'supportive people' meeting. She excuses herself to call Billy's apartment - just as Billy and Susan are on the couch in mid-canoodle. Susan implores Billy to ignore the ringing phone 'cause she doesn't want to share him tonight...and when the answering machine kicks in, Alison declines to leave a message. She returns to her room, climbs out the window, and flees to the nearest watering hole. 
​
A panicked Kimberly tells Michael that the baby is still feverish - but that she's loathe to take him to the ER 'cause she doesn't have his birth certificate. [Um...didn't she take care of all that during the planning phase of 'Pretend Jo's Baby is Stillborn' fiasco??] She fibs that she bought the tot on the black market, and Michael looks aghast at that fake confession - but insists that what matters most is Michael Jr. getting the medical treatment he needs.

Later, an inebriated Alison loudly climbs back into her Twin Oaks room...and is startled to see that Terry is sitting in a chair, staring at her all judgey-like. She growls at him to get the hell out, then makes it clear that he shouldn't get any ideas about indulging his sex addiction 'cause he's far too beefy to be her type. Terry warns that she prolly shouldn't go on benders while in rehab, then grabs her by the hair (!), and uses the nearby sink to splash water across her face. He proceeds to throw her atop the bed and commands her to sleep it off, and announces that - since he gives a damn what happens to her - he's going to sit in the chair all night to ensure that she doesn't run off again. 

​At the hospital, Jo tells Michael she somehow learned that her baby is sick...and explains that after she and Kimberly were conspiring to fake her baby's death shortly after delivery, Kimberly changed course and kept the tot for herself. Michael says he doesn't buy that story, despite it being pretty consistent with Kimberly's general nuttiness - but agrees to run a blood test in order to determine the child's parentage.

Alison wakes up the next morning, sees that Terry is asleep in the chair, and pokes him awake so she can thank him for covering for her last night. She admits to being really really hurt that Billy didn't show up at last night's meeting, but is newly committed to getting sober. Terry confesses that while he watched her sleep, the old him wanted to pounce atop her and get it on - but then decided he'd much rather they remain friends so he can do whatever he can to help her get well. 

Over breakfast, Jeffrey tells Matt he's still really reluctant to move in - just as Amanda drops by to needlessly inform the two that Susan blabbed to her about last night's bloody finger injury. She goes on to say that the Jeffrey's HIV status is A-OK with her, and that she doesn't consider him a health hazard, even if he were to take a dip in the communal swimming pool. Matt abruptly thanks her and shuts the door, and a miffed Jeffrey's all, "I can't belieeeeeeeve you told Susan that I'm HIV positive!" and storms out. 

While lunching together at D&D, Billy tells Amanda he'd be more than happy to take the insurance forms over to Twin Oaks so Alison can sign them. A few seconds later, Peter enters Amanda's office and dickishly remarks on how he always seems to find the two of them together, then sourly brings up their past romantic relationship. Billy wisely beats a hasty retreat with the insurance papers, while Amanda chides Peter for 'dissing her in front of a subordinate. Peter says he's mightily pissed that he had to hear from the D&D rumor mill that Billy once impregnated her (ew), then comes right out and asks her if she loves the dumb oaf. Amanda snaps back that her sexual history is none of his business and that he needs to back the hell off...so he abruptly changes the subject to their plans to dine at the club tonight so he can introduce her to investors, and she responds by shooting him an extra squinty stink-eye.

Alison is standoffish to Billy when he drops by Twin Oaks with the insurance papers, then says she's sooooooo angry with him for not coming to last night's special meeting. Billy stares back at her blankly and says he doesn't know nuthin' about no meetin' on account of Susan didn't pass along her message...and Alison's anger instantly deflates as she assures him she believes him, then hugs him and apologizes for her bitchitude just now. 

Billy returns to Melrose Place and asks Susan WTF about her not passing along Alison's message about the special Twin Oaks meeting. Susan pretends she simply forgot, then says she finds Alison's constant emergencies deeply annoying [who among us doesn't, Susan?]. She explains that she's less than sympathetic to Alison's drunkenness 'cause her own mother was an alcoholic and never took proper care of her during her formative years. She says she'd looooove it so much if he just left Alison to her own devices in favor of giving their chemistry-free relationship a much needed boost - but Billy says he simply can't bring himself to abandon a friend when she needs help, and that he's always going to care about what happens to Alison. Susan reacts by shooting him an angry glare before stomping off. 

In group therapy, Alison sheepishly acknowledges that she spent the previous session blaming other people for her drinking problem - but is newly inspired by how readily Terry opened up about his various, um, issues. She declares that she's ready to get to work and introduces herself, "I'm Alison. I'm an alcoholic" and everyone claps heartily in response. 

Jeffrey tells Matt he totally gets how stressful their dating situation has been on him, then announces that he needs to take some time alone to process his illness. The two declare their love for one another and clasp hands. Snore.

Susan is all packed up and ready to move - just as Billy ambles into the Melrose Place courtyard. She hands him her keys and chides herself for ever trying to get in the middle of him and Alison...and when Billy half-heartedly says he still really cares about her, she snarls, "Go to hell!" and stomps off. 

When Terry walks Alison to her door, she thanks him for all of his help...and he responds by leaning in for a smooch. Alison hastily stops him and says she can't let him do this...and when he insists his feelings are real (e.g. not his sex addiction creeping in), she brusquely says goodnight and slips into the safety of her room. 

Peter shows up unexpectedly at Amanda's apartment to take her out for drinks so they can discuss their deteriorating relationship largely due to his alarmingly sudden overbearing attitude - but Amanda wearily says that since they've been out together the last two nights, she's declining 'cause of all the work that's been piling up. Peter grumbles about how she's always busy with work [which is a strange thing to say, given that he's now the D&D Über boss], then gets all menacing when he tells her she needs to wake up to the reality that the only reason she has this job is 'cause she slept with him. As he advances on her (!), she warns him to not physically hurt her, and he promises not to, but warns, "Nobody walks out on me. No one" and glares at her some more before sauntering out of the apartment. Yeesh.

Michael calls Jo to inform her that the blood tests prove the baby is, in fact, her biological son. He adds that it's obvious she doesn't want the tot to be handed over to the Carters, and points out that if he and Kimberly raise him, she can see him every now and again and be known as Aunt Jo. An incredulous Jo decrees that no one, particularly him and his freakshow of a wife, can keep her from her baby - to which Michael replies, "Oh Jo, I'm afraid it's a done deal" and abruptly hangs up. In response, an enraged Jo throws the phone at the wall, along with whatever other objects are in reach.

​Thanks for reading! If you are enjoying TVofYore's recaps, consider thanking me by buying me a "coffee"!

Recap: Michael asks Kimberly whaddup with there suddenly being a baby living in the beach house, and she stubbornly refuses to give him a straight answer 'bout that. He's about to press the issue further when Jane calls to inform him that Chris ran off with the design studio's 500K advance...and the police are refusing to do fuck all about it 'cause of her unwitting stupidity in giving Chris access to her business accounts and unfettered check-writing control. Michael rails at her for being "a pushover between the sheets" and snarks that he'll contact the police himself. He then hangs up the phone, tells Kimberly he's going to need to put a pin in the 'where did this baby come from?' conversation, and rushes out. As he climbs into his car and drives off, we see that Jo is parked across the street, slouched in the driver's seat. She storms over to the beach house, pounds on the door, and demands to have her baby back. Kimberly answers and reminds her that, unlike her healthy child, the baby she gave birth to was stillborn...and when Jo wails, "You don't have a baby!", Kimberly smugly retorts, "I do now." She then orders Jo to get the hell off her property, leaving an incredulous Jo shaking her head as she vows, "I am going to get him back no matter what I have to dooooooo."

Inside the black limo that's en route to Las Vegas, Sydney admonishes Chris for kidnapping her off the street, a felony he's choosing to interpret as more of "an act of destiny". When Sydney threatens to go straight to the cops the first chance she gets, he amusedly asks, "And ruin a beautiful relationship?" while handing her a large velvet box containing a diamond necklace. He dangles the trinket in front of her and purrs about how it's a perfect match for the earrings he bought her...and she visibly perks up at that delightful tidbit.

Alison arrives at D&D and runs into Bruce, who gleefully informs her that he just fired Amanda and she's in the process of cleaning out her office. As Alison stares back at him in mute shock, he says he'd really really like her to be part of the new and improved D&D team and invites her to attend a 3pm meeting during which he'll delve more into that.

Alison makes a beeline over to Amanda's office to express her pretend condolences about getting fired, and Amanda reacts by calling her a hypocrite for not having the guts to gloat directly to her face. Alison's like, "Er OK" and says she's positively elaaaaaaated that Bruce canned her, and that she's a manipulative power-driven maniac who also had a hand in ruining her relationship with Billy. Amanda refuses to take the blame for Alison's mess of a personal life and mocks her drunkenness - prompting Alison to sneer, "I am better on two double vodkas than you are at your best", to which Amanda derisively retorts, "Tell that to the next poor kid you run over" and storms out of the office with her box o' stuff. Ouch and ouch.

Over in Las Vegas, Sydney is pacing the floor of the luxury Caesars Palace suite Chris booked for them where she's (sorta) being held hostage. Chris asks her what she'd like to do, and she tells him she wants to get the hell outa here immediately...so he assures her that she's free to walk out the door any time she wants, but doesn't think she will. Sydney derisively calls the situation "too weird" and insists that she doesn't like him even a little - but he argues that she does, and that she likes his money even more, wankingly adding that a hot woman such as herself belongs in a pricey hotel suite, not waitressing in a dump like Shooters. Sydney bewilderedly asks, "What about Jane?", and he scrunches his face into a blech expression and retorts, "She doesn't exactly raise my flag" - unlike her spicy redhead of a sister. He then suggests they go out for a sumptuous dinner and offers to buy her a designer dress at the swanky hotel boutique. As Sydney mulls that over, Chris holds the phone receiver and taunts her to use it to call the police - but in the end Sydney decides she's fine with being a captive as long as he's willing to take her clothes shopping.

In the next scene, Sydney is in the boutique's fitting room, trying on several dresses and remarking on how expensive they are - but Chris just coos to let him worry about that. She then steps out of the fitting room in a sleek black gown, and Chris gives her a creepishly appreciative once-over and tells her she should be dressing like this all the time. 

In the D&D conference room, Alison tells Bruce that he can count on her 24/7, then grumbles about how working under Amanda meant never getting credit for her work and/or brilliant ideas. Bruce assures her that without Amanda always seeking the glory for herself, she'll soon emerge as a star - just as he gets a call from his lawyer, who breaks the news that a consortium of doctors has purchased enough D&D shares to become the majority stockholders. The lawyer adds that there'll be a special board meeting tomorrow morning...and Bruce tells Alison he's hopeful that the doctors will realize that he's the best person to run D&D.  

Back in Vegas, Sydney has seemingly warmed to her captivity and is visibly having a blast in the casino, watching Chris repeatedly win big at the craps table. He hands her a big pile of chips and urges her to enjoy herself...and when she stares at the chips in stunned incredulity and points out that he just handed her the equivalent of 20K, he cockily says, "It's the tip of the iceberg." She then blows on the dice and cheers when he wins big for the umpteenth time.
 
Over in the Melrose Place courtyard, Jane runs into Michael, who tells her he strongly suspects that both she and Chris conspired to abscond with the 500K advance...and Jane says that's a dumb theory and snarlingly points out that her design business is on the verge of bankruptcy. A few seconds later, Jake appears to ask if either of them have heard from Sydney in the last day or so, prompting Michael to suddenly change course and suspect that Sydney's the one in cahoots with Chris. Jake says he doesn't know that for sure and points out that Sydney had tried to warn Jane about Chris's ickiness - but Michael insists that running off with a rich man is a typical Sydney move. 

In the Caesars Palace suite, Sydney is enjoying a relaxing massage as she snacks on strawberries and sips a drink with a little umbrella in it. Chris returns to the room and purrs about how he'd like to be the one giving her the massage - but she swiftly shuts him down and reminds him that sex is not part of their bargain, to which he says he'd really really like to renegotiate that [or just do it the easy way: force her in the sack again by threatening to beat Jake].

At the D&D board meeting, the representative of the doctors' consortium tells Bruce that the major shareholders have zero interest in running the company; however, they do want a direct hand in selecting the management team. Bruce touts himself and his team as the best option - just as Peter and Amanda enter the room. Peter reveals to Bruce that he's the one who put together the doctors' consortium and is officially appointing Amanda as the new D&D president, effective immediately. Bruce stares back at him incredulously and cries, "You can't doooooo this to me!" - but Peter argues that as a majority stockholder he has enough votes to do whatever the hell he wants. Bruce glares at Amanda and accuses her of sticking a knife in his back, and she responds by cooing about how he should just scuttle off home so he can continue recovering from his heart attack. After a despondent Bruce storms out of the room, Amanda declares that she's promoting Billy to VP of Accounts (say duh?), then stares amusedly at Alison as she says, "We'll deal with you later."

Amanda congratulates Billy and gushes about how much he deserves this promotion...then instructs him to perform his first official task: fire Alison. Billy looks startled by the edict and says he doesn't think he can do it - but Amanda insists he can 'cause he has to, and that he has 24 hours to get it done.

Jo storms around the hospital, bitchily demanding that the CEO help her get her baby back. He responds by waving the faux death certificate of her stillborn child at her and reminds her that he's not among the living. Jo tries to explain that the death certificate was actually for someone else's baby...but doesn't know that person's name. The CEO glares at her skeptically and advises her to see a shrink, but Jo just scoffs at that suggestion and loudly insists that she doesn't have a screw loose...and proceeds to scream at everyone in her orbit as she flails her way towards the nearest exit.

Susan pours two glasses of wine and toasts Billy on his promotion - but Billy just stares glumly into space and says he kinda feels responsible for Alison's drinking problem. Susan reminds him that Alison chose to deal with the pain of her father's past abuse by diving into a bottle, and that the only way to truly help her is to convince her that she needs some serious rehabilitation. The two then press against each other and start smooching.

A drunk Alison returns home, stares up at Billy's apartment, and sees Billy and Susan smooching...and she reacts by storming upstairs and railing at the two in drunken incoherence. Susan offers to make her some coffee, while Billy makes it clear that she's not welcome in his place when she's like this and tries to steer her to the front door. Alison breaks free from his grasp and wanders over to the dining table, set for a delicious looking dinner, and starts eating food off one of the plates. A few seconds later, she violently pulls the tablecloth from under the plates, sending everything crashing to the floor. She gleefully says, "I always wanted to do that", then wishes them sweet dreams before staggering out. 
​
The next morning, Amanda enters her D&D office and is horrified to - ack! - find Bruce's corpse hanging from the ceiling. She tiptoes towards his body and sees that he left a sarcastic suicide note for her: 
​
Dear Amanda,
Congratulations on your promotion...
Love, Bruce

Meow.

As the coroner wheels Bruce's body away, Amanda tells Billy and Alison she had no idea the guy was so fragile, to which Alison snarlingly retorts that she did, in fact, kill Bruce...and that his suicide is what happens when people get pushed too far. After she ambles out of earshot, Amanda snappishly reminds Billy that she wants Alison gone asap...and Billy lumbers over to Alison's cubicle to call her out for her destructive behavior last night. Alison stares back at him blankly and says she has no idea what he's talking about, so he deduces that her binge-drinking is resulting in complete blackouts. When he suggests that they talk more about this at lunch, she declines and says she has a doctor's appointment.

Billy heads over to the hospital to get professional advice from Matt, who tells him that Alison desperately needs to enrol herself into an alcohol treatment program, like yesterday...adding that if she's proactively seeking treatment for her drinking problem, it's illegal for D&D to fire her. He then pauses for a second and tells Billy he has a radical suggestion.

Back in Vegas, Sydney is munching on chocolates when Chris returns to the suite, looking irked after losing most of Jane's 500K (!). Sydney looks appalled when she learns that the money they've been partying with was an advance check for Jane's design business...and when Chris demands that she give back the 40K worth of jewelry she's currently wearing, she flatly refuses. He responds by hitting her and snarling, "Don't make me hurt you", and she threatens to call hotel security before fleeing to the bathroom and locking herself inside.

Sydney calls Jake and tells him she's in Vegas under duress after being kidnapped by Chris, and that's she's genuinely worried he'll kill her. She gives him the name of the hotel and room number, and Jake promises to be there asap. Jake then phones Jane, fills her in about Sydney's/Chris's whereabouts, and the two agree to meet at the airport to catch the next flight. 

Alison returns home and finds the Melrose Place clan (along with a doctor from the nearby Twin Oaks rehab center), waiting for her in order to stage an intervention. Alison growls at everyone to go to hell and blames mostly Billy for her drinking problem...but then tears up when Billy warns that she could lose everything that's important to her. After further consideration, she agrees to enter rehab, and breaks into sobs while hugging Billy.

Sydney has just ordered room service when Jake arrives at Caesars Palace...and looks puzzled by her "captivity" in such a luxurious suite. Sydney hugs him hello, assures him she's been through utter hell, and fibs that she was finally able to order some food after Chris attempted to starve her into submission. A dubious Jake stares at the diamond necklace around her neck and remarks on how great she looks for someone who's been kidnapped, and continues to shake his head as Sydney tries to lean in for a comforting canoodle.

Michael and Jane track down Chris in the casino, and Jane haughtily declares that he's through playing with her money. Michael orders him to hand over the chips, and Chris does, limply explaining that he only has 5K of the 500K he stole. An enraged Michael reacts by lunging at him - but Chris easily knocks him to the floor and saunters off. 

Matt, Billy, and Alison are en route to Twin Oaks when they stop at a gas station to refuel. Alison shiftily tells Billy she needs to use the restroom...and then pretends to enter the ladies room before racing off in search of the nearest watering hole. A few seconds later, a suspicious Billy wanders over to the restroom, sees that it's empty, and heads off to look for her. 

Alison is walking the streets alone when she stumbles upon a dive bar, stares at it longingly, then sits on a nearby bench and sobs. 

In Vegas, Jake books a flight home, while Sydney tries to convince Jane and Michael how traumatized she is about her captivity, and declares that she wants to fly back to L.A. immediately. Jane and Michael, on the other hand, decide they'd rather hang in Chris's luxury suite and enjoy partying in Vegas. 

Later, Jane and Michael bet the remainder of Chris's chips at the craps table and lose the entire 5K. Jane is somehow able to chuckle over her financial ruin and points out to Michael that he now owns 50% of nothing, then suggests they return to Chris's suite to raid the mini bar. While snacking and guzzling the tiny booze bottles, Jane bemoans losing both her fiancé and 500K (though mostly the 500K), while Michael admits that things are getting pretty fucked up with Kimberly - not least 'cause she's somehow obtained a mystery baby she expects him to help raise. Jane remarks that while he's undeniably a very shitty husband, he might make a good father...and after staring at each other hungrily for several seconds, she leans in for a smooch and cackles about wanting to know how it feels to be the other woman. Michael says he's definitely up for showing her, and the two start to go at it amorously.

That evening, Jo returns to the beach house and knocks on the door, and Kimberly warns her to go away 'cause she called the police. Jo rails about what a crazy bitch she is, then runs over to the back of the house and throws a chair through the patio door, shattering glass everywhere. She then picks up her baby and cradles him - just as the police burst in and a faux panicked Kimberly cries, "She's trying to steal my baby!" As Jo helplessly tries to explain that the baby is, in fact, hers, one of the police officers takes the tot from her and hands him to Kimberly. As they drag Jo out of the beach house, she cries, "Why are you doing this to meeeeeee?!" and Kimberly clucks sympathetically about how she's clearly suffering from post partum depression, and tells the officers she's not interested in pressing charges 'cause she really just wants them to escort Jo safely home. 

The next morning in Vegas, Jane thanks Michael for last night's impromptu roll in the hay as she gets dressed. When Michael coos at her to come back to bed, she declines and makes it clear that last night's romp was strictly a one time thing. Michael piteously says he's always loved her, and she responds by pinching his cheek and breezily saying, "Bye. You were great, babe" before sashaying out of the suite. LOL.

Back in L.A., Alison stumbles into Twin Oaks and tells the receptionist she's finally convinced she needs help with getting her binge drinking addiction under control and wants to sign up for a stint in rehab.

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Recap: As paramedics arrive and rush the injured cyclist to the hospital, a wigged out Alison asks a police officer if the kid is going to be OK...and fortunately it doesn't appear as though his injuries are life threatening. As Alison wails about how he just appeared out of nowhere, the cop tells her to chillax and also psych herself up to take a breathalyzer test, which he calls standard procedure. Alison insists that that won't be necessary 'cause she's definitely not drunk - but after she exhales into the device, the cop informs her that she's well over the legal limit of alcohol and promptly places her under arrest.

The next morning at the jailhouse, Alison is finally allowed to make a phone call. She uses the pay phone to dial Billy's number.

Across town, Billy and Susan are in bed canoodling when Alison calls to explain to Billy that she..

• Got into a car accident last night
• Was arrested for driving drunk
• Can't get a hold of Zack ['cause - spoiler - he's ignoring her calls]
• Most importantly needs someone to post $500 bail so that she can be sprung from the clink

Jane and Chris arrive at the design studio and fish through the large pile of mail that's scattered across the floor until they find the eagerly awaited check for 500K that she plans to put towards the expansion of her company. Jane kisses Chris and gushes about how wooooonderful it feels to be awash in so much cash, and he smarmily congratulates her on her success.

Over at D&D, Amanda is convening a staff meeting, during which she reassigns all of Alison's accounts. After the meeting adjourns, she pulls Billy aside to tell him that since Bruce continues to recover from his heart attack, she's going to be taking on more responsibilities and could really use his help. Billy stares at her blankly and asks why she'd single out a bonehead such as himself to be elevated to that kind of status, so she tells him she's going to need a right hand man to support her expanding role...and somehow figures that of all the D&D staff (minus Alison the lush) he's her best option. 

Billy posts Alison's bail and escorts her home as she grumbles about how awful it was to be treated like a criminal during her (all too brief) incarceration and now desperately needs a looooong hot shower. As she pours herself a glass of vodka, Billy remarks on how alcohol is prolly the last thing she needs - right?! - to which she nonsensically argues, "The reverse is true", then implores him to spend the night in her apartment 'cause she'd rather not be alone. Billy makes a blech face at the prospect and says he can't/doesn't want to 'cause he and Susan have plans...and Alison sarcastically retorts that she wouldn't want to spoil their fancy plans, then self-piteously insists she neeeeeds to not be alone tonight, and that it'd be nice if someone gave a rat's ass about what she's going through. Billy reminds her that he did just post her bail, and suggests she might try giving a rat's ass about the kid who had to spend the night in hospital 'cause of her drunkenly erratic driving...but after he storms out of the apartment, Alison just continues to obliviously guzzle her vodka.

​While getting ready for bed, Peter warns Amanda against getting complacent at D&D, and urges her to watch Bruce like a hawk so she can report back anything significant. When Peter expresses concern that Bruce might be secretly taking steps to save the company, Amanda assures him that Bruce divulges absolutely everything to her.

Over at the hospital, Kimberly pays a visit to a patient named Linda Cortez, who's been admitted so that she can deliver her stillborn child the following afternoon. Kimberly creepily tells the sobbing woman she'll get through this A-OK and that she'll be in her thoughts...which I'll translate to mean that Operation Pretend Jo's Baby is Stillborn is about to kick off.

Kimberly drops by Jo's apartment to inform her that Linda Cortez will be delivering a stillborn child at the hospital tomorrow...and that, since Michael is working double shifts all weekend, the timing is perfect to induce her labor and get away with pretending that Mrs. Cortez's deceased child is Jo's fake deceased child. Kimberly suggests that first thing tomorrow morning they spread the word around Melrose Place that they're off to Santa Barbara for a day of rest and relaxation and ensure that one or more people witness them leaving together. Jo says she can't belieeeeeeve the situation has come to this level of nuttery, so Kimberly reminds her that it's the only way to not have to hand over her child to the weird Carters, who are anxiously waiting the birth so that they can take custody. She then reiterates her batshit cuckoo plan:

• She (Kimberly) will deliver the baby at the beach house, then submit the necessary paperwork to make it look as though the child was stillborn
• She will then send the Cortez baby to the crematorium and pretend it was Jo's child [and keep her fingers crossed that the Cortez family has no intention of holding any kind of burial]
• She (Jo) will make advance arrangements to get the hell outa town with her not dead baby and never ever return to California

The following morning, Amanda drops by Alison's apartment to ask whassup with her skipping out on work yesterday and not bothering to even pretend to call in sick. Alison half-heartedly apologizes and says a terrible thing happened and she therefore needs some alone time. Amanda informs her that she reassigned all of her D&D accounts to other staff, says she's tired of her constant excuses, and admonishes her for not even being aware that the company has been operating in crisis mode since Bruce's heart attack. 

Across the courtyard, Jo exits her apartment with Kimberly and a large picnic basket. The two run into Jake and nervously gabble about how they're off to Santa Barbara to picnic together. A bemused Jake's all, "Really?" ... and when he says he had no idea the two of them were even friends, they lay it on thick about how they've recently bonded 'cause of Jo's pregnancy and Kimberly's desire to be pregnant. Jake's like, "OK whatever" and urges Jo to take it easy...and once he's safely out of earshot, Kimberly murmurs to Jo, "So far, so good."

Amanda drops by Bruce's lavish home, and he cheerily tells her he has good news: he has a handshake deal with a huge advertising firm, Banfield & Lee, to merge with D&D. He explains that D&D will remain intact and function as a subdivision of its new parent company, and that he'll be on the board of directors of Banfield & Lee. He excitedly tells Amanda he's soooooo happy that things have worked out this well, thanks her for her hard work, and promises to see to it that she gets a large raise. Amanda thanks him, then beats a hasty retreat to her car and uses her car phone to place an emergency call to Peter. 

At the beach house, Kimberly introduces Jo to her housekeeper Maria and assures Jo that Maria can be trusted to keep mum (no pun intended) about Operation Pretend Jo's Baby is Stillborn. When Kimberly announces that she's ready to induce labor, Jo worriedly wrings her hands about something going wrong - but Kimberly assures her it'll go fine, then holds up an ominous looking needle. Eeeek!

In the Melrose Place courtyard, Jane and Chris are on their way out to dinner when they run into Jake and Sydney. Chris gleefully tells Jake, "You'll be glad to know that Sydney and I kissed and made up...and we did it just for you." When Jake asks Sydney what in blazes that's supposed to mean, she breezily mutters that she has no clue.

Jo is in what looks like a traditionally agonizing labor...and once the baby pops out, Kimberly chirps, "It's a boy! A handsome baby boy!" She allows Jo to hold him for a few seconds, then takes him back and says they need to rush him to the hospital asap. As she hands the tot to Maria so that she can give him a quick bath, Jo stares after them worriedly (as well she should).

At the hospital, Kimberly enters the staff computer room to pretend to do some follow up work. She logs onto the morgue records and changes Cortez to Reynolds in the hospital's Cremate Stillborn Babies database.

Kimberly is breaking the faux bad news about Jo's stillborn son to Jane, Jake, and Amanda. She tells the wild tale about how, while en route to L.A. from Santa Barbara, Jo went into labor, and that she (Kimberly) delivered the child, which was unfortunately not born alive.

Jane calls Chris, gets his answering machine, and leaves a message telling him she's confused 'cause she thought he was meeting up with her at the studio this afternoon. She then babbles about her exciting plans to use the 500K to put a new clothing line into production. 

Over at Melrose Place, Chris places a velvet jewelry box on Sydney's doorstep, then knocks and hides around the corner. When Sydney answers the door, Chris reappears and commands her to open his gift...and when she dismissively tells him she doesn't want anything from him, he reminds her that Jake could still be beaten to a bloody pulp if she dares offend him. Sydney reluctantly opens the jewelry box, glances down at the expensive diamond earrings inside, and says she'll likely sell them and donate the cash to the needy...to which Chris cattily snarks, "And here I thought that all your charity was given from the waist down." 

Alison summons Billy to Shooters so that she can tell him about her epiphany: she now realizes she made a mistake breaking up with him, needs him in her life, and wants them to resume their romantic relationship asap. Billy says that while he's happy to help her out as a friend, he has no interest in them getting back together 'cause he's now in love with Susan (despite there being zero chemistry there). Alison shoots him the stink-eye and bitterly calls Susan "Queen of the Boyfriend Snatchers" and resumes guzzling what she claims is a glass of soda.

Kimberly returns to the beach house, takes the baby from Maria, and dismisses her for the day. She then settles into a rocking chair and unbuttons her blouse as though her milk-less breasts were capable of feeding the hungry tot. When the infant looks visibly disappointed by the non meal, Kimberly coos, "Mommy's here" with a freakishly demonic look on her face.

Zack drops by Alison's place to tell her he got her car fixed...and to apologize for bailing on her when she was being hauled off to jail. When she makes it clear that she's not looking for a fair-weather relationship, he admits he blew it, assures her it won't happen again, and leans in for a contrite smooch.

Over at the hospital, the Carters' lawyer is questioning Kimberly and Jo about the "stillborn" baby...and Kimberly gives her faux account of the baby's delivery in her car and assures him he'll find that all of the hospital paperwork is in order. Jo corroborates the tale and makes it clear that she wants no further contact with the Carters. The lawyer expresses his condolences and heads out...and once he's out of hearing range, Jo and Kimberly cackle about their cleverness in fooling him.
 
Downtown, Alison is sentenced to a year's probabation and counselling for her booze guzzling problem. She lets out a relieved sigh and thanks her lawyer before Zack gives her a congratulatory hug.

Jane has been summoned to the bank and is told that the account in which she assumed Chris deposited the 500K check has a balance of zero...and that all the checks she's been writing to vendors have been bouncing. When Jane tells the banker it must be some kind of error, he grimly informs her that Chris didn't deposit the 500K check - he cashed it. Oops.

Chris is in the back of a black limo, which pulls up next to Sydney as she's ambling down the street. He violently pulls her into the back seat of the car, happily notices that she's wearing the diamond earrings he bought for her, and starts to get very grab-handsy.

Amanda barges into Bruce's office and demands to know whassup with him being incommunicado all day. Bruce reacts by staring despondently into space as he tells her that Banfield & Lee pulled out of the proposed merger 'cause some blabbermouth leaked information about the deal, which negatively impacted the company's stock prices. He proceeds to point out that since only three people knew about the deal, he's correctly deducing that she had to have been the leak. Amanda half-heartedly denies doing any such thing - but he angrily tells her she's fired, then snarls, "I hope I never have to see your traitorous face again as long as I live."

Jake stops by Jane's apartment to ask her if she's seen Sydney...then explains that she didn't show up for her shift at Shooters. Jane says she has no idea...then pauses as she looks as if a lightbulb has just gone off inside her head. She mutters, "Oh God", and tells Jake that they've both been had by Sydney and Chris, who absconded with her 500K advance.

When Jo arrives at the beach house to pick up her baby, Kimberly just stares at her with cold blankness and pretends she knows nothing of Operation Pretend Jo's Baby is Stillborn and clucks, "You poor thing.." about having just lost her child. When Jo demands to have her baby, Kimberly reminds her that he was stillborn, and that she has the death certificate to prove it. She then shuts the door, leaving Jo screechingly demanding that she open up and hand over her not dead child. 

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Recap: Jo runs into Alison in the Melrose Place courtyard and makes it clear to the wino that she's extremely pissed off at her. When Jo further admonishes her for showing up at the custody hearing looking unkempt and strung out on whatever she's been ingesting lately, Alison weakly claims that she was merely jittery from drinking too much coffee. Jo snarlingly points out that she completely stank of booze, and that she's enraged about how completely unreliable she proved herself to be as a character witness who was supposed to convince the judge that she (Jo) is a fit mother. She further declares that she can no longer trust her and is rescinding her offer to be the spawn's godmother. Egads!

After the alarm goes off, Billy tries to persuade Susan to stay in bed with him so they can leisurely canoodle - but she regretfully declines 'cause she has to rush off to work. She reminds Billy that it's almost Thanksgiving and offers to whip up a fancy French dinner, and suggests inviting Alison in the interest of restoring the peace. Billy agrees that it's a swell idea - but only as long as she keeps the menu to something simple, like turkey and yams.

Jane drops by Sydney's apartment to try to get her interested in travelling with her to Chicago so they can have Thanksgiving dinner with their parents. Sydney shoots her a seriously? expression and says she has no desire to break bread with the man who helped put her away in an insane asylum...not to mention how horrifyingly blech it would be to also have to spend the holiday with Creepy Chris. Jane urges her to see past her anger and reconcile with their parents - but Sydney firmly says if she never sees them again, it'd be too soon.

Michael and Kimberly are consulting with an adoption lawyer, and he warns that if they want to enlist a surrogate to carry their spawn, they might have to pay as much as 100K up front - without any guarantee that they'd even get the baby. As Kimberly gasps in shock, Michael reminds her that they still owe 40K in medical school loans, then breezily reiterates how disinterested he continues to be about becoming a parent. 

While out for lunch, Alison asks Zack if he thinks she has a drinking problem, adding that Jo railed at her earlier for showing up to court disheveled and blitzed out of her mind. Zack describes that accusation as "a wild idea" and suggests that Jo invented the drinking problem so that she can blame her (Alison) for losing the custody suit. When Alison tells him that both Jo and Amanda have been on her case for indulging in as much binge-drinking as she has of late, Zack chucklingly recalls that Amanda's convict father was recently killed by his traitorous hit-woman girlfriend...and says this as though it's in any way related to Alison's drinking problem. He hastily changes the subject by asking her what she most needs in the world, and she decides she really really needs a new car...and he instantly perks up and excitedly urges, "Let's go get a new set of wheels!" 

Over at D&D, Bruce Teller drops by Amanda's office...and when she expresses surprise that he's not still at home recuperating, he grimly explains that news of his heart attack has been leaked to the press [on what must have been a really slow news day]. He adds that if it takes too long for him to return to work, the company is going to be vulnerable to a hostile takeover, as evidenced by some unknown person buying up a large chunk of D&D stock. Amanda asks if he happens to know who the mysterious buyer is - but Bruce says he has no clue 'cause the purchase was just below the SEC's disclosure limit. He then says he's very tired and needs to head home and take a nap...and once he's safely out of earshot, Amanda gets on the phone with Peter to tell him about Bruce's freakout over the recent stock purchase. Peter tells her it's all good 'cause he's behind it, and assures her that everything is totes under control and going according to plan.

Alison has just purchased a fancy new convertible, and is driving around with Zack while wondering aloud how in blazes she's going to afford the payments for the luxury vehicle. Zack uses her car phone to book a hotel room in Santa Barbara...and when Alison argues that she can't just drop everything at D&D to go to Santa Barbara on a whim, Zack tells her he hates the word can't and points out that she's really only missing one measly afternoon of work. He half-heartedly suggests that if she's that worried about her job, they can always drive back to L.A. tonight, and she responds by shooting him a mischievous grin.

That evening in Santa Barbara, while guzzling wine by the fire, Alison tells Zack she's sooooo happy, and that she has no energy to drive back to L.A. Zack wankingly refers to her as "an amazing, beautiful, and talented woman", then coos, "I love you" and gives her a big smooch. He glances over at the fireplace and remarks that they need another log to keep the blaze going, so Alison obliges...but when she walks back towards the bed while sexily unbuttoning her shirt, Zack has fallen asleep and is audibly snoring. Alison tries in vain to poke him awake, then looks visibly miffed when it's clear she's not gettin' any tonight.

Some nefarious looking guy we've never seen before enters Shooters, introduces himself to Jake as Mr. Black and makes a non-subtle effort to shake him down for $1,000 a month in exchange for some mob-style security. Jack grabs Mr. Black by the scruff of the neck and snarlingly tells him he wouldn't pay him a quarter for the parking meter, to which Mr. Black calmly urges him to reconsider his answer when he has a clearer head. After he saunters out, Sydney rushes over and warns Jake that thugs like Mr. Black - aka the kind of people she got tangled up with while hooking for Kristian Alfonso in Season 2 - can really hurt him, but Jake says he refuses to be owned by the mob.
​
As anyone could predict, Alison oversleeps...and when she finally awakens from her booze-induced slumber, she glances at the clock and panics when she realizes she has an office meeting in fifteen minutes. Zack urges her to chillax and take a sick day, so Alison calls D&D and says that while she's too sick to attend this morning's meeting, she'll definitely be at the out-of-office client meeting this afternoon.  

Matt and Jeffrey are enjoying a pleasant lunch out with Ma and Pa Fielding and amicably chit-chat. When Jeffrey announces that he has to get going and ambles off, Matt asks his parents if he can bring his new beau to Thanksgiving dinner, and they blandly assure him they're totes OK with it [at least for the moment]. 

Kimberly is meeting with her obstetrician and nattering on about the possibility of taking fertility drugs while also looking into other birthing advances - until he warily reminds her that because of the horrific injuries she sustained in Season 2's car accident, she's physically unable to carry a baby to term. When he gently suggests she see a psychiatrist to get to the root of why she's so hell-bent on procreating, she snippily tells him she'd much rather find out what he knows about black market babies. The doctor looks aghast, points out that purchasing infants is illegal, and that he frankly finds it depraved that she'd even ask. An unfazed Kimberly snaps that it's soooo easy for him to pass judgement on her when he has several healthy children of his own, then gets up and storms out to the waiting room, where she happens to run into Jo and learns that custody of her yet unborn spawn was awarded to the Carters.

Behind the wheel of her new car, Alison squeals over to the hotel venue of her D&D client meeting, where Billy and Amanda are impatiently waiting. Billy asks Alison whaddup with the fancy new automobile, so she irritably mumbles that she decided to buy herself a new set of wheels. Amanda chides her for being so unreliable lately that she felt she had no choice but to familiarize herself with the account and attend the client meeting, and Alison snappishly retorts that she knows this account inside and out, then stomps inside the hotel.

Susan returns home that evening and invites Billy out to a movie - but he tells her he's not in the mood 'cause of how miffed he is at Alison for being so outa control and negatively impacting his career by consistently screwing up at work. He grumbles about how hard it's getting to watch her sabotage her life, e.g. buying a car she can't afford and showing up all bedraggled to client meetings. Susan tells him that Alison hasn't confirmed that she's coming to their Thanksgiving dinner and says it'd be a good thing for her to know that people care about her. She then suggests extending the invitation to Alison's new scruffy-faced boyfriend, and Billy somehow agrees that that'd be a fabulous idea.

Jake is throwing out trash in the alley behind Shooters when he encounters Mr. Black, who asks him if he's reconsidered his shakedown proposal. Jake tells him to go to hell and that he's not getting a dime...and a few seconds later he's physically attacked by two men who emerge from the shadows. After they finish kicking and threatening him, Sydney enters the alley and is all, "OMG!" as she helps Jake to his feet...and Mr. Black gazes at her curiously as if he's trying to place where he's seen her before.

​The next morning, Billy apologizes to Alison for snarking at her before yesterday's client meeting, then asks her if she's coming to his/Susan's Thanksgiving dinner. She makes a blech face and says it'd prolly be too uncomfortable for everyone - but Billy urges her to come and bring Zack along if she wants. He adds that he really really wants to bring about a peaceful coexistence in the Melrose Place complex, and Alison mulls that over and promises that she and Druggie Boy will definitely be there. 

Over at the hospital, Amanda is on the phone (in Peter's office) with Bruce, who's doing his best to put in more time at D&D, despite his need to recuperate. After the call, Amanda tells Peter that Bruce sounds very frightened now that he's lost his D&D stock retirement money [and stupidly didn't think to diversify his investments]. She tells Peter she has a sudden change of heart and wants to pull out of the takeover scheme, so he reminds her what a shit Bruce has been to her over the years...and that it's a moot point anyway, 'cause the takeover train has left the station and it's too late to back out now. 

Matt tells Jeffrey he had an off-camera chat with his father, who's decided that he's uncomfortable telling their Thanksgiving guests that he has a gay son who's in a relationship...and wants to pretend that they're merely platonic friends. Jeffrey says he didn't give up his Navy career to abandon his principles, and Matt fully agrees that he also doesn't want to live a lie.

Kimberly drops by Jo's apartment to propose a thoroughly batshit-crazy plan to keep her baby: she'll induce labor a week before the due date, deliver the baby at her beach house, and pretend to everyone that the fetus was stillborn. Kimberly adds that she'd further commit fraud by completing all of the requisite paperwork, including the fetal death certificate...and tell anyone who's interested that that the body was hastily cremated. When Jo looks uncertain if this is truly the path she wants to go down, Kimberly points out that it's the only way to avoid handing her child over to Reed's weird parents. She pauses for a few seconds, then invites Jo to join her and Michael for Thanksgiving dinner at the beach house and let her know of her decision at that time. 

Sydney is collecting her mail when she runs into Mr. Black, who chucklingly tells her he now remembers where he knows her from: Kristian Alfonso's prostitution ring. He says his boss has creepishly proposed "a little trade": her sexual services in exchange for him and his thug friends not beating the crap out of Jake. When Sydney dismisses the ultimatum as insane, Mr. Black roughly grabs her and warns that Jake is going to suffer a terrible accident if she refuses to comply...and a shaken Sydney agrees to put out if he promises to leave Jake alone.

On Thanksgiving Day, Matt stops by his parents' house to deliver two pies, then breaks the news that he and Jeffrey won't be joining them for dinner 'cause they refuse to lie to anyone about being lovers. Ma Fielding weakly says that surely they can find some middle ground - but Matt's like, "Nope" and wishes her a happy Thanksgiving. As he's heading back toward his car, she asks where she's supposed to tell people he is, so he suggests coming clean and telling them he's having dinner with his lover.  

Sydney arrives at a fancy hotel and meets up with Mr. Black, who hands her a room key and tells her that his boss's friend eagerly awaits her upstairs. A few seconds later, Sydney enters a dark hotel room and is flabbergasted to find Chris creepily sitting in a chair. She tells him she totally underestimated his criminal connections, and he says he thought it was sooooooo obvious that he was mobbed up 'cause of all the times he's traveled to Vegas for shady reasons. He tells Sydney he's gone through a lot of trouble and aggravation to organize this little rendezvous, touches her face and says he's missed her, and orders her to come to bed. As he strips off his jacket, a despondent Sydney asks him why he's doing this when he's supposed to be in love with Jane, so he coldly explains, "Jane lacks that slutty quality that you have in spades, Sydney." He then tells her she's free to go - but that if she does, Jake will be beaten so badly as to be unrecognizable. Sydney once again mulls over that threat, then sits on the edge of the bed and tears up as she slowly disrobes. 

Alison is on the phone with Zack, who tells her that a group of buddies dropped by his place unexpectedly to watch football...and as a result he's really not into having Thanksgiving dinner with her and two dullards. He invites her to come by later, then abruptly hangs up...and a miffed Alison chugs some vodka before grabbing a bottle of wine and heading up to Billy's/Susan's apartment. 

Alison informs Billy and Susan that Zack just bailed on her, and Susan says it's prolly for the best 'cause it gives them a chance to stage a quasi-intervention. Billy tells Alison it's evident that Zack is bad news and has changed her for the worse, and Susan concurs that the sketchy cretin has clearly been a bad influence on her. Alison responds by getting irked about being judged for her bad life decisions, gushingly boasts that she has a new boyfriend who's crazy about her, and that she's ditching this "neurotic love nest" to go home. Billy snarkishly points out that it's impossible to have a rational discussion with her when she's drunk, which was pretty clear the moment she stumbled through their door. 

Over at the beach house, Jo tells Kimberly she's read about mothers who acquire superhuman strength when their children are in mortal danger, and Kimberly agrees that a mother's love "is the stuff of legend". She points out that their lunatic plot is her last chance to hold onto her child, and Jo agrees with that crazy-talk and says, "Let's do it."

A drunken Alison is in her fancy new car, weaving down the road and talking to Zack on her car phone. He tells her he'd prefer it if she drove around for an hour so he can finish visiting with his college buddies, and she snappishly retorts that she's not doing that, and that she'll just meet up with him tomorrow. As soon as she hangs up, she accidentally plows into a cyclist, who crashes onto the road and looks dead or at least critically injured...and Alison stares in horror at the carnage she just caused and moans, "Oh please no. Oh God!"

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